Am I in the wrong? I sometimes, when people refer to bourgeois as inhuman or talk about people throwing away their humanity or being worthless, get my feathers a little ruffled and try to say something defending not their actions, but their humanity and its inherent worth. I fear I am being--or at least sounding--counter-revolutionary. I just think with the way dehumanizing is used against us (as communists but also "us" as in disabled folk) we would want not to wield it as a weapon ourselves. I also have some self-esteem/self-worth issues that make me want to defend my own humanity by defending that of any and every person. Then I know there are folks who don't fully identify as human in various ways, and I kinda get that too, but I think that's a different topic? Like, I know Musk is a nazi, but we can't forget that he is capable of great kindness and chooses not to show it. If he is a snarling beast, who can blame him for his actions? If he is a human, who could not? I thought about posting something like this site-wide, but I've noticed some people on the site can be hostile towards more subtle disability issues, so I thought posting it here would reach more of the people I'm speaking to.

I miss my full mobility been almost 2 months now since I ate shit and hurt my ankle real bad. It happened during job training and while it didn't swell up I still pushed myself too hard for nothing finishing with a limp. I had hoped that if I showed gumption and stick to it ness a job might materialize from it but nothing and I just pray after a new more months I'll achieve movement pre accident.

Lol I can have GI issues, and I just farted for 30 seconds.

A puppy came up to me and licked my leg, sneezed, stepped away and came back for another lick. So I'm doing pretty great

I don't intend for this to be a public shaming, or want this user reported or harassed, I just want to talk about my feelings as an autistic person.

So the other day I posted this video (Why doesn't Minecraft have infinite render distance?). Its a deep dive into why minecraft doesn't have LODs and minecraft's renderer. The creator is the author of the Distant Horizons mod, but he talks about other LOD mods as well. He also talks about the practical issues with implementing in vanilla, how it would effect gameplay, its very thorough.

Now, I'm very interested both in minecraft specifically and detailed explanations. Youtube's algorithm is pretty bad sometimes, so I use the c/videos comm to find new stuff. I am actually sketching out a python script to add these videos to a playlist for me automatically, to have all my hexbear recs in one place on the platform. This website is a really important community for me, my favorite place on the internet ever. There's definitely things I dislike, but its still very important to me. I do not have a lot of friends offline, for a few reasons.

Anyway, so imagine how I felt waking up to this:

No one should care about this.

Just straight up telling me that not only am I wrong for being interested, no one else should be either. I understand the whole redditor, "Mojang devs bad, un-optimized game, etc etc" attitude is bad. That obviously isn't what I'm doing though, I just posted a whole video of why minecraft is the way it is. I'm not trying to scold anyone here because I don't think those people exist here.

My dad would dismiss my interests a lot. I don't have specific examples from my childhood- I just don't remember a lot of things. One thing that's been recent is my special interest in snakes, and him repeatedly either dismissing me or asking me why snakes and then telling me its just weird. I don't talk to him about things I'm interested in because he frequently just doesn't care at all.

I don't know, it just hurt to be dismissed so completely about something I find really interesting and wanted to share with the group.

My university has implemented DRM on lectures (It's not good DRM, you just access them on their intranet, but I'm a dum dum and don't know how to record streams like this), and it's fucking with my disability granted concession of being allowed to record them. >:(

I was promised, I have been given a tool that doesn't work with this nonsense!

I think there is a real place for therapy, but also I think it serves to try to defuse revolutionary feelings. There are real things I'm fired up about, and I think I should be upset and passionate about them. But my therapist seems to want to make these fires into embers. Like, sorry ma'am, but I switched off one of my medications because I couldn't feel as deeply while I was on it; I'm not about to let you numb me now. I'm switching to a different therapist now, hoping that's better.

admitting makes me feel weak, helpless, I'm forced to have my feelings alone or suffer beng treated like the freakshow that I am.

Sort of finally sinking in and I'm doing a bit better but this still hurts so goddamn much. I have a place to stay temporarily until I can move into my apartment. I have a bunch of stuff ordered for moving but I'm gonna have to start a fund drive over on the mutual aid comms to get through this. I need to pay for a moving truck and get a few other things so I probably won't need too much but it's gonna be one of those "anything helps" posts.

I think I'm gonna be ok in the end. This sort of thing happens to me a lot. Just not quite on this scale. I fucking loved her so goddamn much and even though we had issues, she was the first person to actually put in the work for the support I needed. We have 2 kids together and she wants to do co-parenting with is great but this hurts so fucking much. I'm gonna be alone. I don't need that much physical contact but I still need it. My depression is gonna get so much worse now.

I don't know if/when I'll try to date again but I need someone in my life, somehow. I'm 42 years old and this is the first time I'll be on my own without any sort of direct support. I don't know what the fuck to do.

And just like that I'm fucking crying again.

take things too literally and you're a hardass

let everything go and you're plotting something, or setting someone up for failure

can't win

I really struggle with doing things people might judge/tease/etc me about. A recent example, I recently bought an emulation handheld and really like it and playing it on my breaks instead of doomscrolling. But I always feel super on edge when someone else is around.

I've signed up for some pretty cool volunteer work. Basically I'll be accompanying people to the doctor who don't speak medical jargon and/or who need someone to argue their case to medical professionals.

My disability support person said I can't record streams if there's DRM on them even with my waiver, I can only record audio and only if I do so in person with a dictaphone that does not connect to the internet (But I can connect the dictaphone to my computer???). That's stupid, the slides are uploaded and it's not like what I'm here for is the video footage of the professor looking around. Still, apparently it's a "Get thrown out of school" offense.

Wanting to talk about my problems but sounding like a broken record because I've already said everything there is to say about them but my brain refuses to let go of the idea I should try and talk to someone about them but I already have and there's not a solution but I just still want to talk about them when there's not even anything to say and it's just me replaying all the things that make me most miserable in life

So I'm about 75% ready for the move. I need a few more essentials purchased and I'm gonna use part of my paycheck this week to do that. I also need to figure out if I want to pay for professional movers, hire amateurs for cheap, or get my friend to help. I checked a few prices as currently the cheapest would be $300 which I can possibly swing.

I think after the move, I'm gonna take a few weeks to settle in, then reach back out to PSL and start to really focus on organizing. Like do it for real this time. I don't have much else really going on besides my current coding project, but that can be done here and there as I feel up to it. Talking with an anarchist friend who will possibly be onboarded in some capacity, or I will be working in coalition, but we have a few ideas brewing for where PSL can show up. We want to do a tennant's union on his block since it's a poor neighborhood that is all owned by one landleach. We want to work on a committee for low income kitchen staff(basically a cook's union). And the one I'm really interested in is a union for the unhoused. We have both been working with the unhoused for years and are in coalition with the city's only real all-volunteer low barrier shelter. If we could get 5-10 people involved in each of those, that would be a hell of a start but that's a big ask. I think I need to start doing public speaking to get people riled up.

Mental health update: numb

Over the next couple of months, I'm probably gonna use this space as a quasi-diary of sorts. It helps to get my thoughts out and y'all are so supportive.

::: spoiler voice dysphoria/training, negativity Follow up from my post a couple of days ago.

So, my biggest dysphoria is definitely my voice. I imagine my autism plays a role in how sensitive to sound I am. It upsets me every time I speak. I usually just kinda mask/disconnect from being a woman. But its so horrible. I really can't describe enough how much my voice bothers and upsets me.

Unfortunately, estrogen does absolutely jack shit for your voice. The only option is training your voice for hundreds of hours. Hundreds (or thousands) of hours of trying to speak more femininely. "Try and speak with your face" and other "helpful" advice. I don't understand how to do it. Every time I've tried I've just cried. Its fucking horrible talking to myself, trying to force it to sound feminine. I legitimately cannot.

I hate the idea of being out and sounding like this. I sound like a man. When I open my mouth that's what people hear. I- again can't quite explain how awful that feels.

I don't think even if I was able to voice train, I could get results I'm happy with. I unfortunately have quite the ear for voices.

I feel mutilated and hopeless. And like people don't understand. People talk so much more about appearance, and appearance is obviously really important to me, but no physical feature is as important as my voice. I feel like people down play how hard training is, as it just "sucks" or "is hard". I don't have words to describe how painful this is for me :::

On a less personal but more managing related note, would anybody be opposed to me joining the mods of the disabled community? I've been talking to @un_mask_me@hexbear.net about it and have been considering it while I was down with my surgery stuff. I've come to the conclusion that I'd very much like to help out, but I do not wish to become a mod if the community isn't okay with it.

wah wah, my room got water spilled in it by repair people today, which is triggering the fuck out of my agoraphobia bc i dont like people coming into my room in the first place for fear of stuff like this happening

welp the super important genetics appointment we had coming up just got cancelled because of "changes in the department". cant wait to wait another 6 months to a year to have it now. yippee.

I've been thinking about my diet in general and have a few thoughts/questions

::: spoiler cw: discussion of meat While I thoroughly enjoy veggie as well as vegan meals bc holy hell there's a lot of amazing dishes, I do sometimes have these meat cravings (salami for example). I'm not in a position that I can be picky with what I eat since my food problem combo of diabetes and celiac disease excludes a lot of veggie/vegan alternatives that I have available bc they're either not gluten free or they have carbohydrates. I'm wondering if anyone else here has a similar issue with their diet and could maybe recommend me some snacks (apart from plain vegetables) that are spicy but gluten free and don't have carbohydrates. Salami, at least in my personal experience, is one of the few things that both have a lot of flavor and don't include the two things I'm trying to avoid.

At the same time, I'm also wondering if I'm just too terrified to go experimenting because of my preexisting conditions OR because meat is an easily accessible option for these "I want snacks but none of the health-related issues" that just makes me lazy. Most of my meals are vegetarian, quite a few could be turned fully vegan with a slight modification.

Idk, I guess I'm writing all of this bc on the one hand I want to stop eating animals, but on the other I'm already so severely limited in my food choices that I feel like I'd be leaving out a lot of stuff I could potentially eat. It's a moral dilemma for me. :::

After that big feedback post about disabled and neurodiverse community members a few weeks ago, I figure we'd have immediately defederated from instances with clearly ableist names.

See: crazypeople.online

Well, now we've managed to get my landlady's car fixed, I've finally been able to go and get a load of blood tests I was meant to have to find out why I have constant pins and needles, and it might also give some clue why my hair is falling out. The bald patch at the front is getting crazily big. They took so much blood my inner elbow has huge bruises and weird red streaks all over it. And I've been given dates to start my shockwave therapy for my mobility issues. The GP surgery is being stingy with my meds again though. They've been prescribing half the amount they should of some things. I really think it's a cost saving measure, after all the pharmacist in the adjoining pharmacy has complained to me that I cost the NHS a lot of money.

Also now the car is fixed we took the dog to the local park, where he instantly got chased and threatened by a huge out of control monster of a dog, whose owner did nothing to help and wouldn't put it on a lead. I felt quite threatened by it and so just left the park without saying anything at which point the owner started yelling at me that I'm rude? Rude for saying nothing or leaving, I don't know. With all my mobility issues and the fact I've been trapped indoors for so long it was meant to be a nice trip out but some thug and his dangerous dog have to ruin it.

my body feels so weak, dealing with a lot of stressors rn. but i also feel stupid bc it's less stressors than most people deal with everyday but is completely paralyzing me

Have any of my fellow migraineurs read the new The Headache, by Tom Zeller Jr.? (A review)

It's an absolutely essential book, both for us and for anyone we meet. The author is a sufferer of cluster headaches, and the dude gets it. So many stories in here that I thought were particular to my own fucked up situation - hoarding medication, having to try the same goddamn preventative meds that don't work just to appease an insurance company, the endless battle with side effects, having to avoid being seen as "drug-seeking" when all I am is well-informed and with a long experience of what works and what doesn't, the weird stigmas that chronic patients face, etc. Other chapters go through the history of headache science and discuss how treacherously underfunded and disrespected the whole enterprise is (because most migraineurs are women; because there are sexier neurological conditions; because headache doctors burn out at a higher rate than other doctors, discouraged by how seldom their patients improve; because of capitalism).

I could stand for everything to be a bit more vociferously anti-capitalist, but the on-the-ground accounts of dealing with insurance companies and operating according to their fucked-up logic certainly speak for themselves, and as Zeller puts it somewhere in a middle chapter, to account for everything wrong with the U.S. health care system would necessitate a much, much larger book.

A perfect gift for your boss or your friends who've started getting annoyed at how you constantly have to cancel plans at the last minute.

::: spoiler Mh-/+

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I'm just slowly regaining my mental health after tesnions that spiraled the YouTuber community to record low. She already banned me two weeks ago from her channels. :::

I will never be interested in anything called a smear and school can't make me.

I've definitely given myself an oral stim from my workplace, very annoying to go home and immediately want to put something in my mouth again. Plus just not my favorite stim in general, unhygienic.

new mega