Everyone supports "mental health" until they actually get called on to do it. I lived with nominally supportive housemates in college who would say "mental health is important! Believe in yourself!" Then when I started falling apart in my final year they got grossed out. They didn't want anything to do with me. Why invite the depressed person to anything? They're just gonna end up miserable. Talking about depression is gross and yucky, eww, uncomfortable, go to therapy, that's your fault. So they just ended up excluding me from everything they did because it was easier for them.

::: spoiler cw suicide It took a suicide attempt for them to even ask me if I was doing okay, after a year of my being vocally and visibly depressed. :::

It sucks finding out that good people can be bad friends. Yes, it would have been uncomfortable and difficult for them to help me. It would have taken some work. But they turned out to be the kind of friends who only like you when you're fun and smiling.

Obviously my depression made things harder for them. It made things harder for everyone. That's why I needed their help, and they didn't give it to me

I actually hate being alive, being trapped in a physical body that's falling apart and literally rotten, painful, infested with infection, doesn't work, requires drugs to stay just barely alive, requires endless maintenance not to mention food, all of which takes time, effort and money. And for what? It's not like these issues are going to be solved, all that can be done is just try to keep on top of them as much as possible. You could probably be prosecuted for animal cruelty if you kept a pet alive in this condition, but a human must be forced to drag it out for as long as possible, for literally no reason whatsoever.

From the ages of about 18/19 to about 21/22 I went through a stage of sometimes having what I can only describe as intrusive visions, although they weren't unpleasant at all. I'd be doing something and suddenly I'd get an actual (maybe mental, I can't describe it exactly) vision of myself (from two perspectives at the same time, first person and third person) as a blonde Australian girl doing exactly the same thing in an alternate life. One time aged about 18 I was walking through a forest, I started jogging and suddenly my entire vision was taken over by this image of me as a blonde Australian girl running through a forest. It was accompanied by intense feelings that this was me in an alternate life. This other me was a total opposite version of myself, blonde where I'm dark, Australian where I'm British, and most of all she had the most positive, uplifted mood imaginable. (Even before my life became as bad as it is now I had depression and physical health issues and money and living situation problems so my mood wasn't brilliant). This Australian version of me was absolutely filled with hope and joy and love of life.

I had this experience several more times over the next few years. Aged around 20/21, I was with two friends, one was playing guitar and listening to it through headphones. He took the headphones off and gave them to another friend. As soon as this person put the headphones on I had another intense vision of us both as Australians, in a small private plane, about to take off. He was the pilot and was putting his pilot headphones on. Again I felt that sense of joy and love of life, we were clearly having great lives in this alternate reality.

It happened several other times, and after a few years it just stopped happening. I don't know whether it was a mental illness, a coping mechanism or what, I mean my life wasn't as bad then as it is now but it doesn't happen any more. It really felt like there was this parallel life out there somewhere, where I was the opposite of myself, living the opposite life where everything was brilliant. Sometimes I've wondered, if that version of me is actually real somewhere then maybe to balance the scales and pay for that great life I also have to live this life where everything is terrible and miserable and hopeless. Or maybe it's some cosmic learning experience, experiencing the best and the worst of life. Maybe it was just a coping mechanism to feel good for a few moments but then why don't I get it any more? I wish I could swap places and be that Australian.

Is anyone else annoyed by religious people, specifically christians, who assume you don’t believe because you resent that "God" put you in a wheelchair or gave you which ever disability you may have? No muthafucker I just don't accept you're inconsistent explanations for what happens to non-believers who never had a chance to "be saved"! I don't want to get all r/atheist on y'all so stop me if I do

The pharmacist heard my accent and switched to English. I have never been this owned.

Tiny human on public transport: :D

Tiny human having a meltdown on public transport: D:

I think I am going to stop engaging with medical treatment, apart from taking my thyroxine. It doesn't help at all and just makes me worse. I've been wondering why I've been feeling so tired lately and falling asleep in the afternoons again, then i remembered the dumb endo lowered my thyroxine dose. She even threatened to lower it further at my next appointment. She gaslights me that this low dose isn't really making me tired. I've had enough of this shit. I mean, there is no good dose, the higher dose gives me awful side effects and so does the lower dose, this will never end, but I can't stand being this tired any more. From now on will take whatever dose of thyroxine I want and my migraine tablets and nothing else. If these new migraine tablets the neuro gives me don't work or have side effects and she refuses to prescribe me my acute ones then I will buy the accute ones online, even if I have to make a mutual aid post about it. Luckily I have stockpiled quite a few already from my previous prescriptions though. I am cancelling my next endo appointment, I've cancelled my upcoming two foot surgeries.

No more. No more appointments or drugs. The doctors and the meds don't help, the meds riddle me with side effects and the doctors gaslight me endlessly. I really just want to go to dignitas but I need to find the travel money and I don't have the energy to organise all this. But I really feel like I'm done with all this medical shit. I'll do the bare minimum to keep myself alive for now and absolutely no more. All appointments are being cancelled. I really only stuck most of them out this long to help with my benefit appeal, and if all the medical shit I've had done to me so far isn't enough to win it, then nothing will be. I have to provide an updated letter of medical support for my appeal and all the medical crap I've had so far will just have to be enough. Just too exhausted to continue with this nonsense.

I try so hard to be understood and it just doesn't work out :cri: like I know NTs get misunderstood too, idk. Its very frustrating running over and over what I'm going to say, what I'm hoping they'll say, and they just immediately misunderstand and I walk away with them not getting it at all. At least this latest thing was not terribly important but its frustrating regardless.

It should always be around 15 c around me at all times. Its too hot.

::: spoiler Too scared to call therapist Still too scared to call the therapist. I don't know if it's going to be a consultation or if I'm just scheduling the consultation. I want to just go in person but I don't know if it's an option.

I'm too scared to pick up the phone. I'll just never make calls again. I feel like an idiot. Like I can't make myself do this, I keep trying and sitting on the website and staring at it. I would rather dissociate and daydream for 10 hours than make this call.

I do not think I can make myself do it. Which means I'll never make autistic friends or queer friends. Fuck. Like I'm completely fucked. I'm fucked.

Like in my brain it would be easier if something happened to me, and then it's out of my hands. People would care about me because the situation demands it. It's not me chipping away, wearing people down with inane questions for months because people said "ask questions" and "be persistent". The war of attrition that is neurotypical socialization is a fucking travesty.

I can't do it. I'd literally rather cry and scream and break things. I wish I could spontaneously combust. That would feel better than this. I can't make the phone call and will get worse until I do and I'm selfish for hoping anyone has anything uplifting to say, if previous attempts to open up are anything to go off of

Idk what to do anymore. I can't make myself do this. I can't. I don't know how. I'm too scared. Like I'm gonna throw my phone out the window or something or like scream idk. I can't.

The office is closed for the day. Guess I'll do drugs and watch porn or something until it's time to be too scared to call tomorrow. Like I'm gonna fucking die holy fucking shit :::

I forgot to pack a lunch and im trapped at campus because of a weather warning. This is entirely my fault and I'm still mad.

im tired of constantly feeling like im pathetic for not being able to do as much as i did before. as though "as much as i did before" didn't lead to really bad burn out that stopped me from being able to function

maybe i will actually try to do nothing WITHOUT feeling guilty this week

Ive made spaghetti and I'm going to eat it outside on a bench in the shade with a pitcher of ice water while listening to some kinda music with a violin in it I've decided.

I think I may have ADHD but talking about it with therapist hasn't been much help. Rehash of focus harder , do more exercise, check your diet . paying attention and not stimming for even a minute is hard even with those changes.

Might have a herniated disc and can't move without pain. I'll be on the floor if you need me.

My therapist says I have to take a mental health day on Friday. The nerve of that woman...

But yeah I'm on the verge of mental collapse so it's probably for the better. Thinking about just marathoning Mad Max or something.

As a white atheist who can handle stairs is it my place to point out that the prayer room only being accessible by stairs is odd. I wouldn't care except the priest is handicap accessible.

Also its weird that basically every public institution in this country has a staff priest.

Hey, sorry I disappeared a bit. I'd ask how it's goin, but it doesn't look like the answer is "fantabulous." Shit's fucked, I'm sorry folks.

I unlocked this new mini game with my brain where I take medicine to try to sleep and my brain keeps me up anyway. Last two nights I've hardly gotten any sleep. I usually have trouble sleeping, but melatonin usually gets the job done. I hope this is a fluke and not a trend, though.

People are already starting to study up for next semester. It starts in the beginning of september/very end of August. I am one of the late starters of the nerds because I am just starting myself.

a frog living in a polluted pond doesn't need a meal in olive garden.

I moved!!!! I was in a pretty bad rut for a while, and I haven't seen any doctors for anything for 4.5 years but I signed up for a local clinic, dentist, and psychiatrist all at once this week! I hope It feels like I'm free-falling by trusting anyone but myself with my mental health, but hopefully it wont blow up in my face this time around.

My landlady has her daughter, SIL and kids visiting. I really think the daughter is the most spoilt and unpleasant person imaginible. Despite being asked not to spray scented shit in the house to avoid giving me a migraine, she let her 12 year old son douse himself in body spray all over the house. The house was filled with it. I've been unwell all night. My new migraine meds mean the migraine wasn't as bad as it would have been otherwise, but I still feel awful. I could write a book about how horrid the daughter is. Every time she comes, she spends a fortune filling the fridge with food and then throws most of it away. If I ask for some, she rudely refuses and throws it away instead of letting me have any.

Pegasos got back to me and said if I wait a few years to show a continued desire for assisted suicide and bring a friend along, they might consider me in the future. But I don't have any friends now and being virtually housebound, I'm unlikely to make any. Honestly I've gotten so desperate I even considered trying to find someone to marry me to become my next of kin and take me sto Switzerland but who on earth would agree to that? Maybe i should make a mutual aid post about it.

On top of everything else that's going on, I seem to have caught a cold/cough/sore throat. I want uppies

The weather is apparently bad enough that a bunch of busses got csncelled, and i thought that included mine. Turns out it didn't. Woo.

leg pain has been pretty bad lately aggravated by the weather so i'm stuck using my cane more than i've had to in almost a year :') also having to deal with a lot of brain fog from my mental health medication and it makes me feel like i can't type a coherent sentence so there's that too. we push through i guess

::: spoiler not sure how to tag this but could be needed? a lot of self-loathing/invalidation ig ive been dealing with this issue for 9 years and i still havent mentally accepted that its going to affect my everyday life at least through the near future. i walked in to my psychiatric IOP program the other day with my cane (the first time i ever used it there, short walk from the parking lot means i dont need it 95% of the time in that building) and the looks i got from the other clients ive come to trust just made me ... embarrassed? i guess it was just jarring for people to see for the first time but i cant help but shake the fact that they think less of me now or that they think i'm doing it for attention? a couple of my ex long-term friends used to poke fun at my cane usage and call me a "grandpa" etc so that experience definitely hasn't helped idk. :::

I haven't been too active here the past few days as I haven't been feeling great. The pins and needles/tingling spread to my face, maybe it's a migraine? No idea. One of the surgical wounds on my feet is infected and I can't get medical help. I tried to get a doctor's appointment yesterday, the receptionist said a doctor would phone me, I waited all day but they didn't. So I asked the pharmacist to prescribe me antibiotics but he said he can't do that because he's a locum and I have to wait for the regular pharmacist to come back. As I am waiting for the car repair I can't travel any further (the GP/pharmacy is about 10 houses down from me so I can get there without a car, although even that is difficult right now with my foot issues) so I am not going to the hospital for this - I don't want to sit there for 10 hours waiting to be seen anyway. So I've put an iodine patch on it and I'm hoping that will get rid of the infection. Normally I prefer not to use antibiotics for infected surgical wounds and prefer to use iodine patches instead but the iodine doesn't seem to be working quite as well this time.

The neurologist gave me a follow-up phone appointment about my migraines and has pressured me into accepting a new migraine preventative drug. The big problem with this is, it's not safe to take an acute treatment with it. So if the preventative doesn't work and I get a terrible migraine, am I supposed to just grin and bear it? And I mentioned my pins and needles, as it could be neurological, and asked for an appointment to get checked out and she said she doesn't deal with other neurological issues, she only deals with migraines! What the hell? I thought if you're a neurologist you deal with all neurological issues but apparently not. She said if I want a neurologist to check me out for this I have to ask the GP to refer me and be on a waiting list for about a year. Not to mention how difficult it is to even get a GP appointment now. It is just so difficult and exhausting trying to access medical treatment these days.

And due to the foot/leg issues my further foot surgery is going to be postponed. I don't know how long for. At least the previous surgeries got rid of most of the problem, what remains will have to be treated with topical treatments.

Oh UK, just hurry up and legalise assisted suicide already.

Hugs for everyone who wants them, I love you all

I'm going through it, but I'm trying my best.

I can't always be me, I hope people understand.

As a fellow disabled person, transfem YouTuber Rain, the Radical Dame, is working on the clock despite getting tired usually. I just had to help her get some rest if she feels tired.

60+ new comments

I'm back. How is everyone?

This month is proving even more difficult than usual. Two recent foot surgeries, now infected, the endless struggle to get even a bit of medical treatment, the non stop tingling and pins and needles, starting to go bald, the car breaking down and needing repairs, the neurologist stopping the only migraine meds that work for me because "they aren't working well enough," and the endless struggle to get assistance. Several people came through after all my reposts, eventually we managed to get enough to fix and fill the car but that used up almost all the money on that, and it's so difficult to get replies to mutual aid posts now, thanks to the most recent reply, I can get by with food for maybe a week now but after that I'll have to keep reposting and if no-one responds I'll be screwed. Apparently someone was accused of being a scam artist on mutual aid and now people are less likely to donate for fear they are being scammed?

All avenues of help are closing. My local council cut the Household Support Fund (a small amount given out to the poor twice a year) right down, it started off as £150 twice a year, then they cut it down to £100 once a year, and then they decided they were only giving it to old age pensioners. So that support is gone. I was due to receive a £300 grant from the cancer charity macmillan in November, but they decided not to give grants any more, so that lifeline is gone. There is nothing else I am eligible for, the food bank takes up to two weeks to access and gives a tiny amount of food, mostly drinks like tea, coffee and milk, which all runs out long before the next food bank appointment, how am I meant to get by on that? Mutual aid is the final lifeline, and I am immensely grateful for all the help I've received here but it's getting more difficult to get responses there too, and with prices going up drastically (by about two fifths these past few months) money just doesn't go as far. Is it just a bad time of the month, far from payday, or will I have to keep reposting every week or few days from now on? I even made my mutual aid post as helpful as possible, multiple food voucher links with various different payment methods, amazon gift card link (can get dried/tinned food off there) and even paypal (as my need for food aid right now is bigger than my worries about the DWP checking my accounts). Don't know what I can do to make it easier. That's why I'm up so late tonight, i thought if I waited long enough and kept checking my emails I might get a gift card and could go to sleep in peace but it's 1.30am now and I'll have to go to bed worrying.

On top of this, the fact that I've been almost housebound for so long is really wrecking my mood even more. I need to get out and walk around in the fresh air but due to all my foot surgeries, foot infections, and the repeated injuries in my left side thanks to the weakness caused by my stroke, I can't wear closed shoes or walk for more than a few minutes right now. Like hobble into a shop, pick up a few items and out. I want to hike. I live right by the southwest coast path, a 630 mile hiking route that goes around the entire south west coast of England. I've got a free bus pass from the council (as I'm partially sighted) and a ferry pass from before all my walking problems started, that still has about 8 free journeys left on it. If I wasn't almost crippled I could use these things to go out on day hikes and then get the bus home, get the ferry to other towns and hike all around, which is what I used to do before all these problems began. It's not much to ask, wanting to walk around outside but the universe won't even grant me that. I feel like whatever controls this world is taunting me, placing me right by a brilliant hiking area and then crippling me so i can't use it.

And everything costs money, constantly. It's hard enough getting the necessities of life, never mind anything for pleasure. I'm a huge Outlander fan and the new Outlander spin-off series is starting on amazon next month. Will I be able to watch it? No of course not because you have to pay for that! Why does life have to suck so damn much all the bloody time? Maybe I was evil in a past life and this is my karma.

I'll be less active for the next few days while I attend a funeral out of town. Probably back later in the week since I'll be driving. Wishing all of you a better week, stay safe and keep lovin on one another.

Happy "Disability Independence Day", fellow 'muricans.

35 years ago today they passed the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) which prohibits discrimination on the basis of disability in both private and state government sectors. Idk if it's worth any praise at this point, but at least it exists, I guess. We still have a long, long way to go to actually provide for our disabled population in this country.

::: spoiler seriously though... :::

I make jokes and then I realise two hours later that actually it could be taken as a sex thing and my interlocutor probably did 🙃

I joined dignitas recently, and was told they can even offer free assisted suicide if someone is very poor, but they have to pay their own travel costs. So I didn't do anything about it for a while. But over the past few days I thought I can at least get the ball rolling, if I can get accepted then as soon as I can get some money I can go. Also my medical conditions seem to be deteriorating and I have been feeling worse than usual. So I decided to go ahead with the matter, only to find that the documentation they need is insane. I thought it would be a simple issue of providing copies of medical records, but no. Aside from needing a ton of medical records, past and present, they want a ridiculous amount of identity verification. I don't have a passport right now but if I got one, wouldn't that be enough? NO! On top of that they want a declaration of your identity signed by a notary, your parents' birth certificates and all kinds of other crap. My father was from Turkey, they don't even have birth certificates in Turkey. If you're unmarried you even need to swear a statutory declaration before a commisioner of oaths, that you've never been married and this apparently costs £100. You also have to provide 4 types of other ID like bank statements, utility bills etc. I can get bank statements, but bills? I pay all that included in my rent. (Or at least I do when I'm in receipt of benefits and actually paying rent.) I guess I could provide a bank statement and a letter from the DWP. I have a government-issued bus pass, maybe that would do too? Don't know what else I can get.

Now, there are several other suicide clinics in Switzerland that don't require so much documentation. However, unlike dignitas, as far as I'm aware they don't offer discounted or free suicide. I have emailed them to check and I'm waiting for a response.

But the other thing with dignitas is they are quite insistent that you bring a relative along to show their support for what you are doing. This is because when people get assisted suicide against their family's wishes, the family complain in the media and it makes dignitas look bad and turns people against legal assisted suicide. But what if you have no family? There is so much to find out about all the hoops I'd have to jump through and they are slow to respond. Why is everything always so difficult?

Took my mental health day on Friday as prescribed by my therapist and gingerbrat. It was actually pretty nice. I did light laundry chores and made it to about halfway through the 4th(chronological) movie in the Mad Max franchise. I did work on a bit of code stuff but it was correcting typos in my business sites. Nothing too brainy. I also gave Satisfactory another attempt and I think I still hate it.

Then Saturday came and I got hit with a huge wave of depression all over again... I can't really afford to take a day off a week to try and be happy, just to turn around and be more depressed than I was before. I think a lot of it is still tied to my shitty job, my education going to waste, and me just wanting to get out of this daily work grind bullshit. I need to stop setting my worth at what my income is and I don't know how. I don't want to be like generational wealth rich or whatever but I'd just like this dumb business to take off but no one wants or needs a websites and no one wants to pay the real price for one.

I wrote another mobile app in 2 days again. It was inspired by those dumb digital business cards that use NFC to send your info to someone else's phone. This one doesn't have NFC because Android sucks and we can't have nice things. But it does have a QR code generator in it that creates one for each url you add. Think of it sort of as an Android app QR code equivalent to Linktree. But that was how I realized I was back in burnout. So, there is that.

Next stage of burnout is me getting fired.

After three days of trying to get a GP appointment or see the pharmacist for antibiotics for my infected surgical site, finally I managed to see the pharmacist and get some. It shouldn't be this hard to access medical treatment. And of course the infection has spread in that time.

Well, I've been feeling more tired than usual (a side effect of my new migraine med which I decided to take after all) but I thought I'd report on my assisted suicide plans. They're not going well. There are 6 suicide clinics in Switzerland. Two don't accept foreigners. One doesn't give discounts. One isn't accepting new members. So that leaves two - dignitas and pegasos. I'm still going through the process with dignitas but i thought I'd also try pegasos as a backup. I just heard back from them and they said given my "relatively young age," they would require additional documentation from me, including a notarised letter from family members saying they support my decision and they'd have to come with me. I don't really have any family, I mean I have some cousins who live hundreds of miles away who I haven't seen in years. They don't care about me at all, they never check to see if I'm alright or need anything. You can technically get 14 years in prison in the UK for assisting someone to commit suicide, there is no way these cousins will drop everything, abandon their kids, travel hundreds of miles, spend loads of money and risk prison to help me do this. So pegasos is off the table. That only leaves dignitas but I know they are also keen on family involvement. It doesn't look like it's going to happen for me but I'll keep trying with dignitas until i get a definite no anyway.

Idk. I'm having a hard time with people infodumping in that I straight up tune out and start wondering "this has no relevance to me, why on earth are they still talking"

Like I can't pretend to care about something I straight up don't give a shit about. I can't listen to a recommendation and an indepth review of a show that I haven't seen and will never see.

If I were asked, I'd talk about it politely. Like, idk.

I just finished a course of antibiotics for my latest foot infection 2 days ago. It was seeming OK. Now the pain is back, I think it's infected again already and I don't want any more antibiotics, the last ones made me nauseated and gave me constant diarrhoea.

And I'm still struggling with my thyroxine issues, I'm so tired it's a struggle to stay awake or prepare food or anything. I was hoping someone would send me a justeat gift card so i could just order preprepared food until I have a bit more energy but my request is going unanswered. I guess I can't complain, there are a lot of people worse off than me needing help. It's such a sick world we live in where the most desperate people in the world have to compete with each other for food. It might as well be the Hunger Games at this point.

a few days ago I was going to discuss with someone about my death, for a few moments I genuinely believed I died a long time ago and I was going to discuss it.

I'm so exhausted because of my thyroxine issues right now. It's making it hard to get on and deal with my benefit appeal and the dignitas stuff, but I'm managing to do at least a little something towards them each day like send an email or fill out a form. other than that I am so tired I keep falling asleep during the day. I'm still trying to get the money together to pay for the doctor's note but apparently the only GP that knows me personally there is on holiday for 2 weeks so I guess there's no point rushing right now anyway. I feel like if I do at least one thing towards these two issues each day then at least some progress will get made, however slowly. And i'm going to need to pay for ID documents but have no money for that either. It's all so overwhelming the only thing I can do is one small thing each day.

For once though, one tiny good thing happened. Recently the neurologist said she wasn't going to prescribe my migraine tablet, rimegapant, any more because my migraine diary shows it isn't working well enough to justify the expense. (Apparently a pack of 8 tablets costs the NHS £125 and I've been getting 2 packs a month. The pharmacist scolded me a few months ago for costing the NHS so much money.) She prescribed a new tablet in it's place, but that was only delivered today so i haven't tried it yet. I've been very, very worried about managing without the rimegapant. Last week I quickly put in a repeat prescription request for my two boxes of rimegapant, hoping I'd be able to get it dispensed before the neurologist's letter arrives telling them not to dispense it any more. Today I received it, and when I opened the prescription bag, not only did it contain rimegapant but weirdly it contained 7 boxes instead of 2. A three and a half month supply instead of a 1 month supply. I can only assume the pharmacist made a mistake but I am keeping them. A small victory at last.

I kept screaming while sleeping last night, it was comprehensible.

Insight into non-anglo European med school for those interested: When you are learning anatomy you always have to use the Latin names, it is considered an error to use any other language name... Except for the articulatio zygapophysiales because no one can spell it. That is literally a rule.

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