I've just had my local pharmacist shame me for being a drain on NHS resources. I take various different meds, some for my cancer treatment but most for dealing with side-effects caused by the cancer treatment. Some to prevent me from having another stroke. One of the issues I've been dealing with is severe migraines, with blindness, vomiting and excruciating pain lasting up to three days at a time. I've had various different treatments for this, including nerve blocking injections in my head, but the only medication that really helped was rizatriptan.

However, rizatriptan isn't suitable for people who've had strokes, so they won't prescribe it any more. So it was back to the neurologist, trying various different treatments and meds until I was, a few months ago, prescribed rimegepant. This is nowhere near as good as rizatriptan, but it does help. So for the past couple of months I've been having this and I just went to get my most recent prescription filled.

The neurologist said I can take one every day as a preventative but the GP's surgery have been refusing to prescribe me more than 8 a month. They wouldn't say why, but today when I went to collect my prescription, the pharmacist had a go at me about the cost of the medication. I was literally just standing there waiting for it, and totally unprovoked he came out, handed me the bag and just started loudly complaining in front of all the other people about how this medication is too expensive, and his general tone and demeanour clearly said that I'm being a selfish drain on NHS resources, although he didn't dare actually say that in words.

I got home and googled the cost, it's £12 per tablet. Logically I know it's not my fault I need meds, but I just feel really ashamed and guilty now for being prescribed this. Maybe this explains why the GP surgery won't prescribe me one as a preventative each day. I'm wondering whether I should even bother to keep getting this prescription filled if the people at the pharmacy think so badly of me for taking it.

This isn't even the first time the NHS has complained about the cost of my meds. Some years ago, before my stroke when I was still taking rizatriptan, they tried to change me to a cheaper med, one I'd already tried that didn't work, saying rizatriptan was too expensive. (It's like £2 a tablet). I begged the woman not to change it and when she said she was changing it, I broke down in tears at the thought of going back to 3 day long torturous migraines. She actually laughed and told me to stop being dramatic, but in the end after getting advice on how to deal with her from people online, she agreed not to change it.

It's the same with receiving disability benefits, having to go through endless assessments and appeals, being given zero points and having my payments stopped, being left hungry and destitute. Again and again, this society shows me that i am nothing but an unwanted drain on resources, selfishly sponging off working people. Yet, they won't let me have a peaceful and painless exit. If assisted suicide was legal and free on the NHS, I would take it. They would save money then. But no, I can't access that service. They even make DIY suicide difficult by making the easier methods illegal and difficult to obtain. Just - what do they want? They don't want me dead but they don't want me alive either. I have two risk factors for stroke - my cancer treatment and my migraines, and I've already had one stroke at a young age. They tell me I'm at risk of another. Keeping my migraines to a minimum makes the chance of another stroke less likely and if I do have another it could be more severe and more life changing if I keep having uncontrollable migraines. Then they'll have to spend even more money on me.

Sorry just a rant because I'm feeling like worthless trash after my trip to the pharmacist. Just legalise assisted suicide and kill me already. But this society are cowards. They don't want to say "Yes, let's kill you as you're disabled," because they don't want to sound like nazis. So instead they slowly kill us by denying our benefit claims, leaving us homeless and hungry, changing our meds to cheaper ones that don't work and whatever else they can think of to get rid of us without making it look like societal murder.

I created the current thread in somewhat high spirits and low energy, but I am feeling pretty burnt out and want to minimize my presence here and there for some time. If you have seen me around/we’ve interacted and you are interested in keeping in touch, my matrix is in my profile. xoxo

need to get a job to pay for healthcare :(

God, I even saw the mod chat about asking us for mega post ideas and I literally am out of spoons. I still have one I want to make but I've been working a ton, and it's physical work so by the time I'm home I'm already passing out. Thanks for picking up the torch, Ivy!

About me:

I am super late diagnosed autistic. I also have dysthymia, fairly severe social anxiety, and some tag-alongs like pathological demand avoidance, rejection sensitive dysphoria(sort of I think), and probably some more that will eventually manifest.

My hobbies include web dev, horror movies, video games, and reading theory. Those sort of also cover quite a bit of my special interests. I've been into horror movies for over 3 decades. I started reading again like 2 years ago an haven't really stopped. I'm just super deep into socialist texts and don't see any way out any time soon. I used to also speedsolve Rubik's Cubes and have been a Linux hobbiest for over a decade. Oh I also like angry music and tiny mechanical keyboards. Typing this on my Ferris Sweep currently.

Speaking of web dev, I'm working on doing the freelance web dev thing. My free time right now is limited with work but I'd like to try to get a site a month done. My stack is AstroJS, TailwindCSS, TypeScript/JavaScript, and DecapCMS currently. I handcode my sites and don't use builders like WordPress, essentially. I'm actively trying to network but just can't get a nibble on a site. If you know anyone that needs a not shitty site made and don't mind it being made by a dirty commie send them my way lol.

Recently I've been doing my own gender exploration and I think I am gonna go with Demi/agender-ish for now.

I'm also in the middle of my PSL candidacy and am gonna try to get something going in the Texas panhandle.

Idk, I'm tired. I might rework this later but just call it stream of thought for now.

Love you all, stay safe out there.

Changing antidepressants. Currently discontinuing and I'm not getting any major symptoms aside from being way less tolerant of minor discomfort. I also feel like.. 40% more autistic than usual of that makes any sense. I'm on my break and I've been mumbling and tripping over my words all day with customers. Idk if that's the med change but I'm blaming it on that.

I wanna go home and play.. Idk monopoly or something

My time blindness has been acting up and the class I am taking has now instituted a zero grace period policy. Death to america.

My cat makes me laugh in this hell world. She is non-Euclidean:

Since there's probably no hope for fixing whatever medical thing is wrong with me, I put out a bunch of feelers for disability support and whatever to try to pay rent and not get evicted.

::: spoiler Man, (discussing how bad social assistance and whatever is) Mostly it seems like whatever reason you're in the rent hole for, you are in that hole on rent and that is it. I wonder if ODSP will actually help? Places like the local legal clinic didn't have much to offer on first call, (hope for more later) and the fucking salvation army (recommended by both legal place and landleech corp) asked if I can have anyone move in or work from home.

I probably could work from home but I'm also completely unhirable. I flunked my interview for my last job, I only got in due to nepotism and the job wasn't even cushy lmao. So I dunno, could I work from home, member of the Prevention & Diversion Division of the Salvation Army Local Citadel?

These places all want your bank info and whatever, (not direct deposit they want statements) and have statements about needing clients to be open to "interventions and lifestyle altercations" or whatever the fuck, like dude fuck you, nobody should have to submit to that shit. Also needs testing lmao.

Idk how long I'll last because my dad said I can't move back in, so if that hearing fucks up I guess that's it. But it's depressing knowing how much canada hates its disabled people, poor people, (hell this is guaranteed even less fun if you have substance abuse problems of any kind) and just getting it pushrd in my face all day... Death to this country honestly. :::

Sorry this post is really depressing, I don't really have good news =) I need a new note from my doc for employment insurance but my doc, bless im, writes such threadbare nothingburger notes. How do I get him to write in detail? We've been at this for five years and I feel like I should not have to dictate...

Tanya Huff's vampire books were mostly her just writing to not starve to death. The main character is a detective who's largely retired due to the same eye condition the author deals with. Kinda hits harder in the face of how Canada treats people with disabilities. I hope that Canadian writer is doing well.

Why am unable to fall asleep at a reasonable time?

This has been messing with me a lot the past week. Tired all day, brain isn't working properly due to the lack of sleep, then when it's time to try sleeping, I suddenly am excited and not sleepy, like right now.

Is this an ADHD thingy? I have been suspecting myself of having it on top of everything else, but no proof, and I don't fit the stereotype of it

---

If I was able to go to sleep right now, I could do cool stuff on the weekend tomorrow while at peak mental capacity, but no, now that would be a good time to sleep I can't actually fall asleep

Had carpal tunnel surgery last year and have kind of been hoping and crossing my fingers that it would finally relieve me of my symptoms, but as I'm nearing the year mark I think I'm coming to terms that this might be the best it gets for me. I can still use my hand mostly, but depending on the task it starts to go tingly and numb and I can't feel it. There's more they can try to do but I can't even get an appointment right now because I haven't finished paying off my medical debt with the place that did it.

But I think deciding to accept it is helping me turn a new leaf. I'm going to start saving for some new controller stuff so I can start gaming like I used to at one point. It will be a while until I can afford it, but I'm excited to try again.

going back home from college soon. feeling very stressed as my family isn't covid-conscious and are actively against me taking covid precautions. trying not to think about it too much but this has historically blown up into pretty bad situations for me.

Even though my ankle hasn't healed since May, I've gotten used to using the knee scooter to get around and my balance has improved enough that I can use it without help.

Not much I can do about the executive dysfunction, though. My psychiatrist decided that prescribing me promotional medication took priority over medication that actually works.

I knew it wouldn't work. Was supposed to work same-day, no help at all for the entire week I took it. All side effects and no benefit.

@whatnots@hexbear.net

I love your ornament I'm really impressed at you doing fussy cutting for your first project and keeping your stitches so even

I totally get the strain from pinching the hexies together while you sew, not beating the ad allegations but the site i keep linking you to has "sew tites" which are magnets that are really helpful for epp. I got the variety pack with different length bars which is really helpful for sewing hexie flowers. Unfortunately they suffer from the same useful niche sewing tool tax that all the new gadgets have 😭

Here's a hexie flower I did recently

::: spoiler spoiler :::

I returned to office after my accomodations were taken from me (I only had them for three weeks before the senior manager learned about them), and after only two days I became as burnt out as I was before them. I don't know how I will survive for another 5 months. I started CBT with a therapist that seems really good and professional (she's also treating autism as just another neurotype which is great), so I hope that it might help.