Disabled Community Megathread - November 4th to November 10th
A new week, a new mega! Welcome all disabled comrades. As always, we ask that in order to participate in the weekly megathread, one self-identifies as some form of disabled, which is broadly defined in the community sidebar:
"Disability" is an umbrella term which encompasses physical disabilities, emotional/psychiatric disabilities, neurodivergence, intellectual/developmental disabilities, sensory disabilities, invisible disabilities, and more. You do not have to have an official diagnosis to consider yourself disabled.
What is Disability Justice?
... In 2005, disabled queers and activists of color began discussing a “second wave” of disability rights. Many of these first conversations happened between Patty Berne and Mia Mingus, two queer disabled women of color who were incubated in progressive and radical movements which had failed to address ableism in their politics. Their visioning soon expanded to include others including Leroy Moore, Stacey Milbern, Eli Clare and Sebastian Margaret. These conversations evolved over time, at conferences, over the phone, formal and informal, one-on-one and in groups.
While every conversation is built on those that came before it, and it’s possible that there were others who were thinking and talking this way, it is our historical memory that these were the conversations that launched the framework we call disability justice.
Given the isolation enforced by ableism and capitalism, many of us have often found ourselves as leaders within our various communities, yet isolated from in-person community with other disabled people of color or queer or gender non-conforming crips. Many of us have found “liberated zones” online that celebrate our multiple identities. Disability justice is a developing framework that some call a movement. We are still identifying the “we,” touching each other through the echoes of each other’s hopes and words.
Given this early historical snapshot, we assert that disability justice work is largely done by individuals within their respective settings, with Sins Invalid and the Disability Justice Collectives based in NYC, Seattle, and Vancouver, B.C., being notable exceptions. These groups and organizing structures often come into being, fall apart and regroup with different names and configurations over time. Online groups like Sick & Disabled Queers can offer opportunities for people with disabilities to communicate and create new norms together. Some voices may emphasize a specific aspect of disability justice over another, which can be expected in all early movement moments. However, what has been consistent across disability justice - and must remain so - is the leadership of disabled people of color and of queer and gender non-conforming disabled people.
Disability justice activists, organizers, and cultural workers understand that able- bodied supremacy has been formed in relation to other systems of domination and exploitation. The histories of white supremacy and ableism are inextricably entwined, created in the context of colonial conquest and capitalist domination. One cannot look at the history of US slavery, the stealing of Indigenous lands, and US imperialism without seeing the way that white supremacy uses ableism to create a lesser/“other” group of people that is deemed less worthy/abled/smart/capable. A single-issue civil rights framework is not enough to explain the full extent of ableism and how it operates in society. We can only truly understand ableism by tracing its connections to heteropatriarchy, white supremacy, colonialism, and capitalism. The same oppressive systems that inflicted violence upon Black and brown communities for 500+ years also inflicted 500+ years of violence on bodies and minds deemed outside the norm and therefore “dangerous.”
Furthermore, racism, anti-Islamic beliefs, ableism and imperialism come together to feed us images of the “terrorist” as a dangerous Brown enemy... All this is compounded by the ways ableism, along with queer-hatred and the violence of the gender binary, label our bodies and communities as “deviant,” “unproductive,” and “invalid.”
A disability justice framework understands that:
All bodies are unique and essential.
All bodies have strengths and needs that must be met.
We are powerful, not despite the complexities of our bodies, but because of them.
All bodies are confined by ability, race, gender, sexuality, class, nation state, religion, and more, and we cannot separate them.
These are the positions from which we struggle. We are in a global system that is incompatible with life. The literal terrain of the world has shifted, along with a neo-fascist political terrain. Each day the planet experiences human-provoked mudslides, storms, fires, devolving air quality, rising sea levels, new regions experiencing freezing or sweltering temperatures, earthquakes, species loss and more, all provoked by greed-driven, human-made climate chaos. Our communities are often treated as disposable, especially within the current economic, political and environmental landscapes. There is no way to stop a single gear in motion — we must dismantle this machine.
Disability justice holds a vision born out of collective struggle, drawing upon legacies of cultural and spiritual resistance. Within a thousand underground paths we ignite small persistent fires of rebellion in everyday life. Disabled people of the global majority — Black and brown people — share common ground confronting and subverting colonial powers in our struggle for life and justice. There has always been resistance to all forms of oppression, as we know in our bones that there have also always been disabled people visioning a world where we flourish, a world that values and celebrates us in all our beauty.
Mask up, love one another, and stay alive for one more week.
khizuo [ze/zir] - 1.1yr
People at my school are posting "make sure to take care of yourself post election 🥺 drink water and do self care" stuff on discord. All these people who walk around who haven't been masking since 2022, just shaking as if the Democrats haven't killed at least a million people from their COVID policies alone. This is what got me to finally leave the Disabled Students Union server. Cry me a river.
I posted the PFLP's statement on the election to my COVID club's group chat because I'm not having any of that in the student group I run lolll.
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MusicOwl [comrade/them, sie/hir] - 1.1yr
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imogen_underscore [it/its, she/her] - 1.1yr
incandescent rage at the welfare system today. in my country it's very transparently a capitalist humiliation ritual designed to remind you that you are part of an underclass seen as subhuman. i managed to get one payment but the state owes me another 3 that "expired" because i didn't go in time, apparently i am still entitled to the money just more hoop-jumping required. genuinely at the end of my tether.
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DisabledAceSocialist [comrade/them] - 1.1yr
Same here. I'm a partially sighted stroke and cancer patient. Multiple doctors have written to the DWP (Nazis who run the British benefits system) on my behalf, requesting them to give me a 10 year benefit award (the maximum possible even if you have an incurable disease like Parkinsons, Alzheimers, MS, etc). Still the most they've ever given me, after a lengthy and stressful appeal, was 4 years. However the appeal took nearly a year and that year was knocked off the total. They're allowed to start assessing you a year before the award ends, which they did, so really my 4 years was actually 2 years before the stressful assessment process started again.
I'm still having cancer treatment, with life-ruining side effects, I'm still learning to walk again after the stroke and I'm still adjusting to becoming partially sighted. Multiple doctors have told them my health won't improve any time soon. Why are they re-assessing me so frequently? Why did they give me zero points the last time and stop my money?
The DWP are saying they have a 10 year backlog of claims to get through. So why don't they stop giving people such short awards and assessing us so frequently?
I could tolerate life, even though it's painful and miserable, if it wasn't for the endless poverty. It's the frequent assessments and appeals, the low payments when I do get them, and the constant threat of having my benefits stopped permanently, that makes me suicidal.
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Beetle [hy/hym] - 1.1yr
ME posting:
I have to lie in bed at least 14 hrs a day and most days more. Now as I have lost significantly amount of muscle due to inactivity it’s become less comfortable to be in bed for so long.
not being able to help friends and family as much and being so dependent on other people is hard. I used to cook for my family and now I can’t even cook for myself so they have to do it for me. Being able to do such things for my family was a source if pride and happiness and now I have lost that which sucks.
I’m fucking lonely because I don’t see anyone else most days
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Kuori [she/her] - 1.1yr
jfc everything hurts so fucking bad, it should be illegal to have arthritis in your 30s
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dustbunnies [she/her, comrade/them] - 1.1yr
9
khizuo [ze/zir] - 1.1yr
9
Beetle [hy/hym] - 1.1yr
Told my friends I was lonely and now they visit me once a week which is nice.
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StalinStan [none/use name] - 1.1yr
I recently had a weird talk with a therapist I ahve been thinking about. In thr in take forms I checked that I have no history of mental illness. I reported my ADHD in thr history. She was like, "so you are mentally ill" and I said I not ill I am just adapted to a diffrent environment. There was an awkward silence
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ReadFanon [any, any] - 1.1yr
I get why your average Joe thinks of ADHD and autism as mental health conditions but for a therapist this is absolutely unacceptable imo. ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder. It is not a mental illness. It is an abnormality in the way your brain develops and functions on a basic level.
If someone had a stroke and lost their ability to speak, calling that a mental illness is gross and pretty infuriating. If someone has a physical disability, referring to that as a sickness would be completely unacceptable and downright offensive.
But apparently it's okay for professionals in the field to talk about neurodevelopmental disorders as illnesses?
10
nathanfieldertulpa [she/her, it/its] - 1.1yr
::: spoiler sad shit
i saw something recently abt how cfs that doesn’t resolve within two years is usually permanent and im nearing that point. and it rly feels like CFS/LC stole my transition from me, i just do not have the energy needed for people in my life to take me seriously and it sucks.
:::
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khizuo [ze/zir] - 1.1yr
From one cfs have to another, I feel you. Especially the not having enough energy for people to take me seriously part. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
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dustbunnies [she/her, comrade/them] - 1.1yr
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SpiderFarmer [he/him] - 1.1yr
I don't have a disability, but my partner does. Is this a good place to rant when the machinations of the system seem bent on socially murdering them?
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roux [they/them, xe/xem] - 1.1yr
Rule 1 states this comm is open to everyone, and in fact I'd even encourage you and others in your position to share your stories if you want.
129 million USians "deal with a major chronic disease"
30% of "adults reported not taking medications as prescribed over the past year because of cost"
40% of adults have at least two chronic conditions
Women are more likely than men to have chronic conditions, and "women and people with disabilities are particularly likely to skip or delay medication because of financial concerns"
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khizuo [ze/zir] - 1.1yr
Fatigue has been horrible this week. Can’t pull myself out of bed for pretty much anything except meals, and even that’s a huge struggle. I hate this.
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rtstragedy - 1.1yr
So I was thinking about the post someone made in the past thread about being stuck in waiting mode, and it finally hit me that I'm kinda stuck a bit. As opposed to the "I have to be somewhere in 3 hours so I'm thinking about that and can't really get into anything," this is more of a "who knows what's gonna happen but its just kinda like a recurring itch and when I'm not distracted I'm kinda feeling weird and ruminating" thats been going on for a couple of weeks now.
Sorry for being so vague but I'm wondering if anyone has general advice? Distracting myself with interests has been helpful but work is the least interesting thing so when I'm supposed to be working I dont distract myself with fun stuff and then it just kinda is creeping up on me.
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dustbunnies [she/her, comrade/them] - 1.1yr
meeting this morning to discuss my autism assessment results
✨ I'M NOT READY ✨
it was originally supposed to be a week from when she emailed them to me, but then I got covid and our testing schedule got messed up and here we are: it hasn't even been 2 whole days
tbqh, idk that 2 whole months would be enough time 😅
extremely grateful that I have a supportive partner who will help me with the appointment, because I'm pretty sure it's going to be hard for me to talk at all
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dustbunnies [she/her, comrade/them] - 1.1yr
spouse was very helpful
assessor really truly incredibly kind
feel some overwhelming something that I'm having a hard time naming, probably because it's a big tangle of several complicated things
and now we're ready for the holidays
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dustbunnies [she/her, comrade/them] - 1.1yr
circling the drain even harder, idk why I thought this would help
honestly seems like such a bad idea in retrospect:
Have Someone Tell You Exactly What Is Wrong With You
why did I expect that would help?? 🤦😂😭
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dustbunnies [she/her, comrade/them] - 1.1yr
genuinely not sure how I could feel worse right now
why did I scrape up hundreds of dollars for this horrible, detestable information
there's so much better I could have used it on, people need help with rent, why did I use this money to feel bad about myself
I regret wanting answers. questions were better. then there was the chance that maybe it wasn't the way that it is
😭😭😭😭
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TheChemist [he/him] - 1.1yr
It is very difficult to have Alexythemia. I can never tell what myself or others are feeling. And Having Autism... it makes me feel as though, unless I mask myself, I will never be able to be accepted.
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DisabledAceSocialist [comrade/them] - 1.1yr
I feel really bullied into treatments and interventions I don't want just to try and keep my benefits. Does anyone else feel the same way?
I'm going through yet another disability benefit appeal right now. They use any excuse they can to stop my money. Last time I had a stroke during covid and a benefit reassessment shortly after. Because of covid, the physiotherapy department was closed, so I couldn't start physiotherapy right away. They used that as an excuse to stop my payments - because I wasn't having physiotherapy, according to them, the effects of the stroke can't be that bad therefore zero points and no money.
So, I don't dare to stop any of the treatments I'm having, even though most of them are pointless and just cause me a lot of extra stress. One example is mental health therapy. After making a suicide attempt it took me 5 years on the waiting list to get this therapy, and the therapist wrote a letter of support for my benefit claim, which is something at least. But the therapy is shit.
The therapist doesn't lead the sessions, she expects me to think of things to do. I once expressed an interest in meditation so now a large chunk of the session is her doing a very crap guided meditation where she makes me close my eyes while she tells me to roll my ankles, roll my head and wiggle my feet. Then she gets me to draw a picture of whatever I'm feeling that day. Then she writes me a daily timetable of nonsense and tells me to stick to it. It's utter rubbish, how is this meant to help? It's stressful juggling my many medical appointments (therapy, eye clinic, stroke clinic, endocrinologist, oncologist, physiotherapist, neurologist, GP) and I would love to quit all the unnecessary ones that aren't helping and are just causing me extra stress, like mental therapy. But I'm worried if I do, the DWP will use that as an excuse to stop my money, because that's what they do.
People are supposed to have the freedom to refuse medical treatment, but there is no real freedom to refuse if you're going to be made destitute in retaliation.
Well, eventually I broke down and explained how I feel to the therapist. She said trying to get benefits isn't a good enough reason to have therapy. I tried to explain to her about how worried I am about being homeless and totally broke permanently if they don't reinstate my benefits, but I could see I was talking to a brick wall. She just doesn't understand being totally destitute with no back-up means of support, that much is obvious. She said if I don't want the therapy I should just quit, and I tried so hard to get her to understand my perspective but she doesn't. Eventually she said we could cut the weekly sessions down to monthly face to face ones, with weekly online sessions. I didn't want the online ones but felt pressured to accept. The first online one was meant to be today and I totally forgot about it. I got an angry sounding email from her which seemed to imply stopping the therapy altogether. I asked if we could just do it monthly but she isn't agreeable to that.
This is so stressful! I don't want the added stress from this shitty therapy but the DWP will use it against me if I stop. Even if it was good therapy it wouldn't help. My problems are severe disability and poverty. Therapy won't fix that. On top of all this, I get severe migraines, which are triggered by artificial smells and the therapy wing of the hospital stinks of air fresheners and perfume and stuff, it actually gives me migraines to go there. AND it's a waste of NHS resources bullying people into medical treatments they don't want!
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ReadFanon [any, any] - 1.1yr
She said trying to get benefits isn't a good enough reason to have therapy. I tried to explain to her about how worried I am about being homeless and totally broke permanently if they don't reinstate my benefits, but I could see I was talking to a brick wall.
You have a few avenues to approach this.
You can ask her to explain Maslow's Hierarchy to you. I hate it. It's individualistic and a cooptation of better concepts and it's just gross but your run of the mill therapist who just scraped by to get their qualification is almost certainly going to like it. (I'd go so far as to say that overvaluing it is a sign of a bad therapist.) But regardless of that, if she can tell you as an expert in her own words how a person is (ostensibly) incapable of engaging in so-called higher order needs in Maslow's Hierarchy without having their lower order needs being met such as, I dunno, your physical needs and your need for safety then you are (allegedly) incapable of achieving your higher order needs like, I dunno, engaging in therapy then you will have her on that front. You might have to ask a pointed question like "Does that mean my need for housing is a necessary precondition for making progress in therapy?" or to remark that it seems as though according to Maslow's Hierarchy your concerns about the very real threats to your physical needs and your safety are a valid reason for engaging in therapy.
You could ask her what she sees as valid reasons for engaging in therapy are or if she believes that people who have "invalid" reasons for engaging in therapy are capable of achieving positive outcomes through therapy.
You could try asking her to account for her work with you so far: the primary mode of therapy she is engaging you with, what she has identified as your therapy goals, how she is working towards facilitating you to achieve these goals, what barriers to these goals she has identified, how she is working to address these barriers, and how she views your progress together. A good therapist will welcome this sort of accountability and your willingness to take a bird's eye view of the therapeutic process while (however they want to label it) being engaged in an "empowering discussion" that is "client-led", or whatever buzzwords they would put in their casenotes. You are entitled to view your casenotes btw. A bad therapist will get defensive and they'll bullshit their way through these answers but, ultimately, a therapist is supposed to have these things in the front of their mind when working with a client and they should be able to answer these questions with little effort. Imagine a business consultant not being able to answer these sorts of questions from a client - that would be the mark of a terrible consultant. At the risk of committing the sin of commodity fetishism to get the idea across here, a therapist can be understood as your mental health consultant and if they don't know what your desired outcomes are, if they aren't identifying and adapting to the barriers, and they aren't able to explain how they are working on achieving these outcomes then they are rubbish and they aren't likely to achieve anything.
A therapist should be able to work with clients who are "resistant" (and the use of this type of wording is routinely weaponised by lazy therapists who want to shift the blame for their own lack of dynamism and responding to the client's needs and circumstances onto the client); after all, if there was no resistance then wouldn't a client be able to just "fix" the issue instantaneously (and likely all by themselves)?
The risk is that they'll take a dim view of an approach like this but then if they do that they are not taking a client-centred approach and they are not working on a basis of facilitating the client's self-empowerment.
(This is another bugbear for me: therapists and workers in caring roles or support roles almost always centre themselves in the empowerment process. It's all "I work from an empowerment model" and "I'm empowering you to do x and y". I hate this so much. Power isn't given, it's something that is taken. Not necessarily in a zero-sum way of taking power away from others but in the sense that power is claimed and exercised; it's enacted. You don't give others power, you can give them authority or permission to exercise power but this is not a one-way transactional thing, and you can provide the tools and the context for people to empower themselves. You, as a therapist or a support worker, are not the power fairy who goes around distributing empowerment to the deserving and decidedly passive recipients of your beneficence. This is particularly endemic in how privileged people talk about "giving people a voice". Please stfu. You aren't doing that. Almost everyone has a voice, especially in a metaphorical sense. What you are giving them is a platform or your attention. Stop flattering yourself and centering yourself as the active agent in their autonomy. Stop exaggerating your role in this. You don't "give" a baby the ability to walk, you don't "give" a child the ability to ride a bike or swim. You are providing the conditions for them to learn how to do these things themselves. If a teacher wouldn't say "I did that. I gave them the ability to pass the exam." because it's gross and erases the effort and the autonomy of students then why is it that in the professions that are apparently so fixated upon client empowerment it's totally acceptable, if not downright encouraged, to treat empowerment in this sort of framing?)
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DisabledAceSocialist [comrade/them] - 1.1yr
Thanks, I would like to try this. But I need to frame it in way that won't anger or offend her. Any suggestions?
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ReadFanon [any, any] - 1.1yr
I wouldn't do it straight off the bat after the vaguely threatening email because that wouldn't go over so well but personally I'd probably just start a gentle discussion about Maslow's Hierarchy and I'd muse on the historical development of the concept and mostly ask them open ended, philosophical and practical questions about it. (I have a tendency to be a bit sanctimonious online but irl I'm much less inclined to be unless someone is really imposing on my goodwill or they're wilfully spouting misinformation.) But that's my style of conversation tbh and I'd feel pretty comfortable discussing the topic. It might be a different for others though, and maybe approaching it from a place of learning would suit them better, for example, than taking the approach of musing from a postcolonial critical perspective of Maslow's work would, you know what I mean? I can't tell you what an "authentic" way (cursed term) is for you but I'd encourage you to approach this sort of discussion in a way that feels right to you.
As for the bird's eye view accountability stuff, that would require more tact although a reasonable therapist these days should at least draw upon humanistic psychology and client-centred therapy, one foundational aspect of this approach being unconditional positive regard, so if a client is being "difficult" then a therapist should, at least theoretically, engage the client without reacting to the "difficult" behaviour or to respond in such a way that generates a feeling of judgement or rejection in the client.
A therapist worth their salt is going to be able to draw upon unconditional positive regard at least as a tool in their toolkit when a client appears to be hostile, as a hypothetical example:
"I'm done with all this fucking therapy. It's bullshit and I never get any answers from you it's just a series of questions from you and it never goes anywhere."
"I can understand why it can be frustrating. I do appreciate you being honest with me about how you're feeling. Is there something in particular that has made you arrive at this conclusion?"
"Yeah. I've been doing this for over a year and I haven't made any progress. I'd be better off doing something that makes me feel good rather than talking in circles for an hour. It's a waste of my time being here."
"I know it's hard to put in a lot of time and effort only to feel like you haven't made any progress but I've seen you make progress through our work together."
"Bullshit. You're just saying that because you don't want to lose business."
"That's not true - I have a waiting list of clients. I don't view you as a cash cow."
"So why do you bother if I haven't made any progress after all this time?"
"Well I think the person who first started therapy with me a year ago would have stormed out or just ghosted me if they felt this way back then. Instead you are here talking about your frustrations with me in an honest and vulnerable way. That might not feel like progress to you in this moment but we have spent a lot of time working through what happened in your divorce and one of the things that contributed to this was because you learned through your upbringing that bottling up your emotions was the only safe way of dealing with them which ultimately caused a lot of friction in your marriage which went unresolved until it piled up to the point that the relationship broke down. Now you are here sharing some pretty raw emotions openly with me. That takes a lot of courage and from my perspective it represents the growth that comes from you consistently putting in hard work."
That sort of thing. A competent therapist shouldn't really shut things down unless they are inappropriate (e.g. sexual advances or seeking approval to abuse others) or they are threatening (e.g. making threats against the therapist or others). They should be able to deal with a client expressing difficult emotions in an unfiltered way with equanimity. That's kinda their whole job, y'know?
As a more personal example, I told my therapist that they need to stop centring themselves in my experience and that they need to be more precise with their language or more open-ended with certain questions because I have plenty of insight so they need to trust in my ability to use this insight rather than presuming what's going on for me and placing themselves in the middle of it.
Basically a polite way of saying "Back off, butt out, and if you're going to ask me a question then either be skilful in your use of language or just ask me directly in an open-ended way because I'm quite capable of describing what's going on for me" lol. This was because I had hit a nerve the previous session and it drew out a lot of pent up frustration that I have with myself. My therapist assumed that I was reacting defensively to how I perceived them to be judging me/putting expectations on me and they asked me if I was feeling angry.
I was kinda blindsided by the questions and my therapist's approach and it took me days to puzzle out where they were coming from with their line of inquiry.
Basically it was all me. My therapist didn't even come into consideration in this. I wasn't feeling angry because I had sublimated my feelings of anger by internalising them into frustration a long time ago so it felt qualitatively different to me and if my therapist asked me "What emotion are you experiencing in this moment?" I would have immediately said frustration and very likely I would have said frustration at myself. But they asked me if I felt angry and I baffled and said something like "Huh?? Not at all." From their perspective I was obviously feeling angry and from my perspective I was feeling something that didn't fit my definition of anger at all.
Same goes for them leading a series of questions inquiring about if I was reacting to me feeling like I needed to defend myself from them. If they had just started from first principles and asked me directly what has caused these feelings of frustration to manifest I would have explained that it was all coming from me having expectations of myself that I am unable to meet and which I feel incapable of resolving so it has just built up until I unintentionally struck a nerve in myself by saying something that caused it to come pouring out all at once.
I think that sort of discussion was probably a little bit treacherous for them because they had to trust that I wasn't engaging in some sort of follow-up defensive strategy to cover my tracks and double down in denial. I basically told them in a respectful way that they overstepped the boundaries and they handled an important moment for me unskilfully. It would have been much easier for them to shut the discussion down as being problematic or hostile than it was to accept that they had the wrong approach. But they are usually very skilful and they handled the situation with grace, and fortunately since that point I've noticed that they are much more careful about not overinterpreting and they are much more open-ended in their questioning which has allowed me the room to explain what's going on for me and this has led to better mutual understanding between us since they aren't trying to dance around things and I am not put into a position of trying to reason backwards from their line of questioning to figure out what they're driving at, which means I can focus less on the interpersonal communication and more on working through what I'm dealing with.
This has been an excruciatingly long winded way of telling you that your therapist should be very much equipped for and skilled in navigating conversations that are far more challenging than a basic discussion about accountability and their therapeutic approach.
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DisabledAceSocialist [comrade/them] - 1.1yr
I don't believe my therapist is skilled at all. She doesn't even seem to know what to do in the sessions. She tries to make me think of things to do. For instance in the first session she asked if I had any ideas for things I've thought of that might make me feel better and I expressed a vague interest in meditation, and she leapt on that and from then on made a large chunk of each session a meditation, and not even a good one. Literally telling me to close my eyes and in a very unenthusiastic voice, showing how bored she is she'd drone for about 20 minutes whatever nonsense she could think of, always the same "Feel your breath. You can't breathe in the past or the future, only the present. Feel your feet, thank them for walking for you. Roll your ankles. Mentally scan your body and notice anywhere you feel discomfort. Turn your head to the left. Now the right." Just on and on for 20 minutes. Then in every session she gets out a diagram of a human body, brings out some crayons and tells me to colour in wherever I feel pain in my body. Then she tells me to draw a picture of whatever I'm feeling that day. Then she writes a timetable for the week (of getting out of bed, watching TV, walking, meditating, eating mindfully, etc) and tells me to stick to it. That's the end. The same every week. How on earth is this crap meant to help me? And then she got defensive last week when I said this wasn't working for me, isn't doing anything to help, and told me to quit if I want. When I explained my financial reasons for not quitting, explained how I'm worried it will lead to losing my appeal, my benefits being stopped permanently and destitution and homelessness she didn't give a shit and said that's not a good enough reason to have therapy. So I don't know how to explain to her that I need my basic needs met, in a way she will accept. She clearly doesn't understand or care about my impending potential homelessness and regular periods of starvation. I even told her about this website and how several people here over the last couple of months have helped me out with food vouchers to prevent me from starving because my situation is that dire, and you should have seen her face. I've never seen anyone look at me with such contempt before. She looked like she thought I'm some kind of piece of shit scam artist begging money from strangers. She actually told me to stop asking people on here for help. What am I meant to do, just starve to death? She clearly has absolutely no concept of what it's like to be so financially desperate and doesn't want to learn.
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ReadFanon [any, any] - 1.1yr
Hm. That does sound frustrating. I don't want to get too involved and pass judgement because I don't know the situation first hand. Not trying to be invalidating or anything but I don't want to insinuate myself in the therapeutic relationship, or lack thereof, because it's not really a wise thing to do as a bystander.
Out of curiosity, do you know her qualifications?
How would you feel about telling her that you don't need her to do guided meditations with you any more?
Have you considered what it would take to transfer to a different therapist or if it's a possibility?
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DisabledAceSocialist [comrade/them] - 1.1yr
I don't know this one's qualifications, but the previous one (many years ago) admitted she wasn't qualified yet, so who knows if this one is even qualified? It's not a possibility to transfer. I was on the waiting list for 5 years to get this one and this is all I've been offered. I could ask her to stop the guided meditations but then she will either expect me to think of something else to do, or she'll drag the drawing nonsense out. Whatever she does it will be nonsense, she's clearly just trying to fill the time with whatever so she can collect her paycheck. I don't actually want therapy at all. I've had four therapies in my life and they were all shit. I've accepted my situation. I'm just trying to stick this out to help my benefits claim. Another issue is I hate the therapy wing of the hospital, it stinks of perfume and air fresheners that give me a migraine and the therapist doesn't care about that either.
4
HexaSnoot [none/use name] - 1.1yr
(About Maslow's)
It's individualistic and a cooptation of better concepts and it's just gross but your run of the mill therapist who just scraped by to get their qualification is almost certainly going to like it.
What are those better concepts?
Power isn't given, it's something that is taken.
This is particularly endemic in how privileged people talk about "giving people a voice". Please stfu.
Lol Everything onwards from this really helps me understand more about power dynamics. Thank you.
2
Wertheimer [any] - 1.1yr
I was dangerously close to falling into a similar situation this summer - a medication that helped my condition but broke my brain. I was so afraid that they would force me to keep taking it even though it was making me more disabled than before, and going off benefits would mean losing my health insurance, which would mean... etc.
And yeah, I've also had to avoid going to the hospital for status migrainosus because I knew that hospital conditions would exacerbate the migraine long before doing anything to treat it: the fluorescent lighting, the smells, the noises, the interruptions, the 10+ hours to wait for a bed because they don't give a fuck about people with an invisible disability.
9
DisabledAceSocialist [comrade/them] - 1.1yr
I once went to hospital with status migrainosus and they gave me aspirin and sent me on my way. Truly, no-one cares about us.
8
khizuo [ze/zir] - 1.1yr
Thinking of skipping class today tbh. Just... really not feeling it.
17
roux [they/them, xe/xem] - 1.1yr
I let slip in my interview last week that I'm autistic. Idk why, I guess just over the last year or 2 since I've been learning where I do and don't mask, and when I should mask around normies, I've slowly become aware of my own Self more. But the question was related to what kind of person I am. I'm fucking goofy. Like I know when I need to be serious or whatever but even my partner has pointed out that I crack stupid jokes as a defense when I'm nervous and such. I'm just a goofy and weird person and I really don't wanna change that.
I do feel obligated if that wasn't a deal breaker to explain that I need directions explained literally to me otherwise I can spend hours dissecting what they are really asking from me. I get fired for that part a lot(for not knowing precisely what I should be doing etc). After I learned that little nugget about me, I can see why in the past I might have gotten fired for being "confrontational", or "lazy", or whatever. Other big reason is burnout causing my performance to slip.
But I think I might bring that up if I get a third interview. And that is what I am waiting on now. Idk when that will be but I hope it's soon because I've been studying for a potential drug test and I just wanna fucking get high and disassociate for a few days. These last 2 job prospects have felt a lot like work.
E: I didn't get the job. Looks like I may be medicating tonight...
16
TheSpectreOfGay [hy/hym, she/her] - 1.1yr
does anyone here have any suggestions on how to use a computer on a bed? i just use laptops cos i can't figure it out, but it would be nice to build a computer one day when this current laptop kicks the bucket
15
Belly_Beanis [he/him] - 1.1yr
When I was in the hospital, I put my computer on a table/desk thing that rolled around and could swing out from under the bed. It looked like this:
||---------- < tray
|| ========== <edge of bed
||------
O O < wheels
I forgot what they're called but I can look it up. You could easily set it up to just have the monitor, keyboard, and mouse on the tray with a desktop on the floor (I didn't do that obviously since I was in a hospital and owned a laptop at the time).
edit:
Here we go! "Hospital Overbed Table" is what they're called. Better picture:
10
TheSpectreOfGay [hy/hym, she/her] - 1.1yr
omg this is actually perfect, thanks so much
4
Belly_Beanis [he/him] - 1.1yr
Here's how they're used:
4
Ildsaye [they/them] - 1.1yr
Sounds like an adjustable monitor stand of sufficient height, and tilting lap desk would serve you if I'm picturing right what you're asking
9
TheSpectreOfGay [hy/hym, she/her] - 1.1yr
ah that should work, thanks!
5
robot_dog_with_gun [they/them] - 1.1yr
wireless keyboard and wireless trackball, plus the monitor where you can see it or aim a projector at the ceiling if you don't mind the fan noise.
the overbed table looks great if your bed height, carpet, and posture are compatible.
4
Moss [they/them] - 1.1yr
::: spoiler talking about how I've never really accepted that I'm disabled? you may have heard this all before
So I don't have one visible, defining disability, but I have plenty of small physical and significant mental things that affect me. I'm visually impaired, that's the most obvious - I'm shortsighted and have astigmatism, and I have to always wear glasses to function. That's an easily treatable disability that is not stigmatized, and barely even seen as a disability by most.
I'm also slightly hard of hearing and I have weird feet (dunno if that's a disability? I need specific shoes or I'll be in pain when I walk for extended periods of time). I used to get ingrown toenails because normal shoes made me stand and walk weirdly.
I've also had kinda weak lungs for basically no reason. When I was like 15 I had a bad coughing fit at the beach once, and it's just never stopped. Every now and then I have to cough a lot, like way more than any healthy person. Nobody knows what's up with that.
That brings me on to long covid. The coughing got way worse ever since I got covid for the second time this summer. Also I've lost most of my sense of smell.
Then there's the mental list of neurodivergence and mental illness. ADHD, autism, depression, anxiety. These all greatly impact me.
But for some reason - I guess because no one ever said it to me - I have never identified as disabled. No one ever said "Moss, you are disabled", so I just assumed I wasnt. I obviously am, in a lot of minor ways, but people think disability is just needing a wheelchair. It's only in the past couple months that I've actually had the realization that I am disabled and always have been. I had (and still have) a lot of reactionary brainworks around disability to excise.
:::
14
Wertheimer [any] - 1.1yr
Another day of trying to use "fantasizing about successfully suing the United States of America for giving me a migraine" as a painkiller
14
AdmiralDoohickey [he/him] - 1.1yr
I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I can't work in a monitored PC, in an open office, with stand up meetings that interrupt me and a 2h commute (total thankfully).
I know I have it good with my slow-ass coding job, but this kind of environment isn't conductive to taking breaks so I just overwork myself. I already used the
"feeling sick" excuse last week to work remotely, so I will have to survive another day. Being AuDHD is suffering
12
Luna - 1.1yr
Hi mega :ralsei-wave:
12
robot_dog_with_gun [they/them] - 1.1yr
😩been putting off laundry because my knees and back hurt
10
stigsbandit34z - 1.1yr
I’m realizing that my brain works faster than body (can think of things to say but the words come out of mouth slower thank I can think), and it makes me feel trapped. Idk whether this is autism or something else but it causes crippling anxiety
9
Frank [he/him, he/him] - 1.1yr
I occaisionally get something that sounds similar as a symptom of bipolar disorder. It's called "racing thoughts" and describes times when i'm experiencing a flood of fast thoughts that change topic wildly and often feel like they're pouring in to my "i think therefor I am" conscious mind from other parts of my brain. It can be very distressing, both because it is so disruptive to thinking and doing the things I need to do, and because it tends to come with "pressured speech, an impulsive need to sat everything i'm thinking and talk continuously.
4
Beetle [hy/hym] - 1.1yr
Weed really helps relieve my ME/CFS symptoms. I smoke it now but I’m going to see if I can get some low dosage edibles to keep my lungs healthy.
8
Kuori [she/her] - 1.1yr
just in case edibles don't work out for you, vaping can also be a lot easier on the lungs, particularly if you do it through water
6
StalinStan [none/use name] - 1.1yr
Which auadhd symptom is the one that makes me not enjoy concerts? Followup what is the treatment protocol for that? I feel like I can enjoy drinking at a concert but not the actual concert.
8
MusicOwl [comrade/them, sie/hir] - 1.1yr
I work in music, etymotic earplugs help a great deal with volume at concerts. And you can hear the music better!
11
StalinStan [none/use name] - 1.1yr
Oh damn, gonna check that out
7
MusicOwl [comrade/them, sie/hir] - 1.1yr
I keep them on my keychain and use them all the time. Even in just loud rooms with poor acoustics, they are a godsend. Most are relatively similar across the price range, just with differences of decibel reduction. I recommend 10 or 15 db.
10
SchillMenaker [he/him] - 1.1yr
crowded + loud + nobody is paying any god damned attention to what's going on around them so you have to do it for everybody the whole time = stimulus overload
9
AdmiralDoohickey [he/him] - 1.1yr
Maybe some autism sensitivity like the music being too loud for you
8
StalinStan [none/use name] - 1.1yr
I had not considered this but in retrospect I feel like that is probably part of it.
7
Firstnamebunchofnumbers [none/use name] - 1.1yr
Turns out having a job i dont hate makes me want to do bad things to myself less. Waow
khizuo in disabled
Disabled Community Megathread - November 4th to November 10th
A new week, a new mega! Welcome all disabled comrades. As always, we ask that in order to participate in the weekly megathread, one self-identifies as some form of disabled, which is broadly defined in the community sidebar:
What is Disability Justice?
... In 2005, disabled queers and activists of color began discussing a “second wave” of disability rights. Many of these first conversations happened between Patty Berne and Mia Mingus, two queer disabled women of color who were incubated in progressive and radical movements which had failed to address ableism in their politics. Their visioning soon expanded to include others including Leroy Moore, Stacey Milbern, Eli Clare and Sebastian Margaret. These conversations evolved over time, at conferences, over the phone, formal and informal, one-on-one and in groups.
While every conversation is built on those that came before it, and it’s possible that there were others who were thinking and talking this way, it is our historical memory that these were the conversations that launched the framework we call disability justice.
Given the isolation enforced by ableism and capitalism, many of us have often found ourselves as leaders within our various communities, yet isolated from in-person community with other disabled people of color or queer or gender non-conforming crips. Many of us have found “liberated zones” online that celebrate our multiple identities. Disability justice is a developing framework that some call a movement. We are still identifying the “we,” touching each other through the echoes of each other’s hopes and words.
Given this early historical snapshot, we assert that disability justice work is largely done by individuals within their respective settings, with Sins Invalid and the Disability Justice Collectives based in NYC, Seattle, and Vancouver, B.C., being notable exceptions. These groups and organizing structures often come into being, fall apart and regroup with different names and configurations over time. Online groups like Sick & Disabled Queers can offer opportunities for people with disabilities to communicate and create new norms together. Some voices may emphasize a specific aspect of disability justice over another, which can be expected in all early movement moments. However, what has been consistent across disability justice - and must remain so - is the leadership of disabled people of color and of queer and gender non-conforming disabled people.
Disability justice activists, organizers, and cultural workers understand that able- bodied supremacy has been formed in relation to other systems of domination and exploitation. The histories of white supremacy and ableism are inextricably entwined, created in the context of colonial conquest and capitalist domination. One cannot look at the history of US slavery, the stealing of Indigenous lands, and US imperialism without seeing the way that white supremacy uses ableism to create a lesser/“other” group of people that is deemed less worthy/abled/smart/capable. A single-issue civil rights framework is not enough to explain the full extent of ableism and how it operates in society. We can only truly understand ableism by tracing its connections to heteropatriarchy, white supremacy, colonialism, and capitalism. The same oppressive systems that inflicted violence upon Black and brown communities for 500+ years also inflicted 500+ years of violence on bodies and minds deemed outside the norm and therefore “dangerous.”
Furthermore, racism, anti-Islamic beliefs, ableism and imperialism come together to feed us images of the “terrorist” as a dangerous Brown enemy... All this is compounded by the ways ableism, along with queer-hatred and the violence of the gender binary, label our bodies and communities as “deviant,” “unproductive,” and “invalid.”
A disability justice framework understands that:
These are the positions from which we struggle. We are in a global system that is incompatible with life. The literal terrain of the world has shifted, along with a neo-fascist political terrain. Each day the planet experiences human-provoked mudslides, storms, fires, devolving air quality, rising sea levels, new regions experiencing freezing or sweltering temperatures, earthquakes, species loss and more, all provoked by greed-driven, human-made climate chaos. Our communities are often treated as disposable, especially within the current economic, political and environmental landscapes. There is no way to stop a single gear in motion — we must dismantle this machine.
Disability justice holds a vision born out of collective struggle, drawing upon legacies of cultural and spiritual resistance. Within a thousand underground paths we ignite small persistent fires of rebellion in everyday life. Disabled people of the global majority — Black and brown people — share common ground confronting and subverting colonial powers in our struggle for life and justice. There has always been resistance to all forms of oppression, as we know in our bones that there have also always been disabled people visioning a world where we flourish, a world that values and celebrates us in all our beauty.
Source: Sins Invalid
Mask up, love one another, and stay alive for one more week.
People at my school are posting "make sure to take care of yourself post election 🥺 drink water and do self care" stuff on discord. All these people who walk around who haven't been masking since 2022, just shaking as if the Democrats haven't killed at least a million people from their COVID policies alone. This is what got me to finally leave the Disabled Students Union server. Cry me a river.
I posted the PFLP's statement on the election to my COVID club's group chat because I'm not having any of that in the student group I run lolll.
incandescent rage at the welfare system today. in my country it's very transparently a capitalist humiliation ritual designed to remind you that you are part of an underclass seen as subhuman. i managed to get one payment but the state owes me another 3 that "expired" because i didn't go in time, apparently i am still entitled to the money just more hoop-jumping required. genuinely at the end of my tether.
Same here. I'm a partially sighted stroke and cancer patient. Multiple doctors have written to the DWP (Nazis who run the British benefits system) on my behalf, requesting them to give me a 10 year benefit award (the maximum possible even if you have an incurable disease like Parkinsons, Alzheimers, MS, etc). Still the most they've ever given me, after a lengthy and stressful appeal, was 4 years. However the appeal took nearly a year and that year was knocked off the total. They're allowed to start assessing you a year before the award ends, which they did, so really my 4 years was actually 2 years before the stressful assessment process started again.
I'm still having cancer treatment, with life-ruining side effects, I'm still learning to walk again after the stroke and I'm still adjusting to becoming partially sighted. Multiple doctors have told them my health won't improve any time soon. Why are they re-assessing me so frequently? Why did they give me zero points the last time and stop my money? The DWP are saying they have a 10 year backlog of claims to get through. So why don't they stop giving people such short awards and assessing us so frequently? I could tolerate life, even though it's painful and miserable, if it wasn't for the endless poverty. It's the frequent assessments and appeals, the low payments when I do get them, and the constant threat of having my benefits stopped permanently, that makes me suicidal.
ME posting:
jfc everything hurts so fucking bad, it should be illegal to have arthritis in your 30s
Told my friends I was lonely and now they visit me once a week which is nice.
I recently had a weird talk with a therapist I ahve been thinking about. In thr in take forms I checked that I have no history of mental illness. I reported my ADHD in thr history. She was like, "so you are mentally ill" and I said I not ill I am just adapted to a diffrent environment. There was an awkward silence
I get why your average Joe thinks of ADHD and autism as mental health conditions but for a therapist this is absolutely unacceptable imo. ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder. It is not a mental illness. It is an abnormality in the way your brain develops and functions on a basic level.
If someone had a stroke and lost their ability to speak, calling that a mental illness is gross and pretty infuriating. If someone has a physical disability, referring to that as a sickness would be completely unacceptable and downright offensive.
But apparently it's okay for professionals in the field to talk about neurodevelopmental disorders as illnesses?
::: spoiler sad shit i saw something recently abt how cfs that doesn’t resolve within two years is usually permanent and im nearing that point. and it rly feels like CFS/LC stole my transition from me, i just do not have the energy needed for people in my life to take me seriously and it sucks. :::
From one cfs have to another, I feel you. Especially the not having enough energy for people to take me seriously part. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
I don't have a disability, but my partner does. Is this a good place to rant when the machinations of the system seem bent on socially murdering them?
Rule 1 states this comm is open to everyone, and in fact I'd even encourage you and others in your position to share your stories if you want.
Also
yes
NYT with a "no shit" article: When Chronic Diseases Come With Chronic Financial Pressure
Some statistics in the article:
Fatigue has been horrible this week. Can’t pull myself out of bed for pretty much anything except meals, and even that’s a huge struggle. I hate this.
So I was thinking about the post someone made in the past thread about being stuck in waiting mode, and it finally hit me that I'm kinda stuck a bit. As opposed to the "I have to be somewhere in 3 hours so I'm thinking about that and can't really get into anything," this is more of a "who knows what's gonna happen but its just kinda like a recurring itch and when I'm not distracted I'm kinda feeling weird and ruminating" thats been going on for a couple of weeks now.
Sorry for being so vague but I'm wondering if anyone has general advice? Distracting myself with interests has been helpful but work is the least interesting thing so when I'm supposed to be working I dont distract myself with fun stuff and then it just kinda is creeping up on me.
meeting this morning to discuss my autism assessment results
✨ I'M NOT READY ✨
it was originally supposed to be a week from when she emailed them to me, but then I got covid and our testing schedule got messed up and here we are: it hasn't even been 2 whole days
tbqh, idk that 2 whole months would be enough time 😅
extremely grateful that I have a supportive partner who will help me with the appointment, because I'm pretty sure it's going to be hard for me to talk at all
spouse was very helpful
assessor really truly incredibly kind
feel some overwhelming something that I'm having a hard time naming, probably because it's a big tangle of several complicated things
and now we're ready for the holidays
circling the drain even harder, idk why I thought this would help
honestly seems like such a bad idea in retrospect:
Have Someone Tell You Exactly What Is Wrong With You
why did I expect that would help?? 🤦😂😭
genuinely not sure how I could feel worse right now
why did I scrape up hundreds of dollars for this horrible, detestable information
there's so much better I could have used it on, people need help with rent, why did I use this money to feel bad about myself
I regret wanting answers. questions were better. then there was the chance that maybe it wasn't the way that it is
😭😭😭😭
It is very difficult to have Alexythemia. I can never tell what myself or others are feeling. And Having Autism... it makes me feel as though, unless I mask myself, I will never be able to be accepted.
I feel really bullied into treatments and interventions I don't want just to try and keep my benefits. Does anyone else feel the same way?
I'm going through yet another disability benefit appeal right now. They use any excuse they can to stop my money. Last time I had a stroke during covid and a benefit reassessment shortly after. Because of covid, the physiotherapy department was closed, so I couldn't start physiotherapy right away. They used that as an excuse to stop my payments - because I wasn't having physiotherapy, according to them, the effects of the stroke can't be that bad therefore zero points and no money. So, I don't dare to stop any of the treatments I'm having, even though most of them are pointless and just cause me a lot of extra stress. One example is mental health therapy. After making a suicide attempt it took me 5 years on the waiting list to get this therapy, and the therapist wrote a letter of support for my benefit claim, which is something at least. But the therapy is shit.
The therapist doesn't lead the sessions, she expects me to think of things to do. I once expressed an interest in meditation so now a large chunk of the session is her doing a very crap guided meditation where she makes me close my eyes while she tells me to roll my ankles, roll my head and wiggle my feet. Then she gets me to draw a picture of whatever I'm feeling that day. Then she writes me a daily timetable of nonsense and tells me to stick to it. It's utter rubbish, how is this meant to help? It's stressful juggling my many medical appointments (therapy, eye clinic, stroke clinic, endocrinologist, oncologist, physiotherapist, neurologist, GP) and I would love to quit all the unnecessary ones that aren't helping and are just causing me extra stress, like mental therapy. But I'm worried if I do, the DWP will use that as an excuse to stop my money, because that's what they do.
People are supposed to have the freedom to refuse medical treatment, but there is no real freedom to refuse if you're going to be made destitute in retaliation.
Well, eventually I broke down and explained how I feel to the therapist. She said trying to get benefits isn't a good enough reason to have therapy. I tried to explain to her about how worried I am about being homeless and totally broke permanently if they don't reinstate my benefits, but I could see I was talking to a brick wall. She just doesn't understand being totally destitute with no back-up means of support, that much is obvious. She said if I don't want the therapy I should just quit, and I tried so hard to get her to understand my perspective but she doesn't. Eventually she said we could cut the weekly sessions down to monthly face to face ones, with weekly online sessions. I didn't want the online ones but felt pressured to accept. The first online one was meant to be today and I totally forgot about it. I got an angry sounding email from her which seemed to imply stopping the therapy altogether. I asked if we could just do it monthly but she isn't agreeable to that.
This is so stressful! I don't want the added stress from this shitty therapy but the DWP will use it against me if I stop. Even if it was good therapy it wouldn't help. My problems are severe disability and poverty. Therapy won't fix that. On top of all this, I get severe migraines, which are triggered by artificial smells and the therapy wing of the hospital stinks of air fresheners and perfume and stuff, it actually gives me migraines to go there. AND it's a waste of NHS resources bullying people into medical treatments they don't want!
You have a few avenues to approach this.
You can ask her to explain Maslow's Hierarchy to you. I hate it. It's individualistic and a cooptation of better concepts and it's just gross but your run of the mill therapist who just scraped by to get their qualification is almost certainly going to like it. (I'd go so far as to say that overvaluing it is a sign of a bad therapist.) But regardless of that, if she can tell you as an expert in her own words how a person is (ostensibly) incapable of engaging in so-called higher order needs in Maslow's Hierarchy without having their lower order needs being met such as, I dunno, your physical needs and your need for safety then you are (allegedly) incapable of achieving your higher order needs like, I dunno, engaging in therapy then you will have her on that front. You might have to ask a pointed question like "Does that mean my need for housing is a necessary precondition for making progress in therapy?" or to remark that it seems as though according to Maslow's Hierarchy your concerns about the very real threats to your physical needs and your safety are a valid reason for engaging in therapy.
You could ask her what she sees as valid reasons for engaging in therapy are or if she believes that people who have "invalid" reasons for engaging in therapy are capable of achieving positive outcomes through therapy.
You could try asking her to account for her work with you so far: the primary mode of therapy she is engaging you with, what she has identified as your therapy goals, how she is working towards facilitating you to achieve these goals, what barriers to these goals she has identified, how she is working to address these barriers, and how she views your progress together. A good therapist will welcome this sort of accountability and your willingness to take a bird's eye view of the therapeutic process while (however they want to label it) being engaged in an "empowering discussion" that is "client-led", or whatever buzzwords they would put in their casenotes. You are entitled to view your casenotes btw. A bad therapist will get defensive and they'll bullshit their way through these answers but, ultimately, a therapist is supposed to have these things in the front of their mind when working with a client and they should be able to answer these questions with little effort. Imagine a business consultant not being able to answer these sorts of questions from a client - that would be the mark of a terrible consultant. At the risk of committing the sin of commodity fetishism to get the idea across here, a therapist can be understood as your mental health consultant and if they don't know what your desired outcomes are, if they aren't identifying and adapting to the barriers, and they aren't able to explain how they are working on achieving these outcomes then they are rubbish and they aren't likely to achieve anything.
A therapist should be able to work with clients who are "resistant" (and the use of this type of wording is routinely weaponised by lazy therapists who want to shift the blame for their own lack of dynamism and responding to the client's needs and circumstances onto the client); after all, if there was no resistance then wouldn't a client be able to just "fix" the issue instantaneously (and likely all by themselves)?
The risk is that they'll take a dim view of an approach like this but then if they do that they are not taking a client-centred approach and they are not working on a basis of facilitating the client's self-empowerment.
(This is another bugbear for me: therapists and workers in caring roles or support roles almost always centre themselves in the empowerment process. It's all "I work from an empowerment model" and "I'm empowering you to do x and y". I hate this so much. Power isn't given, it's something that is taken. Not necessarily in a zero-sum way of taking power away from others but in the sense that power is claimed and exercised; it's enacted. You don't give others power, you can give them authority or permission to exercise power but this is not a one-way transactional thing, and you can provide the tools and the context for people to empower themselves. You, as a therapist or a support worker, are not the power fairy who goes around distributing empowerment to the deserving and decidedly passive recipients of your beneficence. This is particularly endemic in how privileged people talk about "giving people a voice". Please stfu. You aren't doing that. Almost everyone has a voice, especially in a metaphorical sense. What you are giving them is a platform or your attention. Stop flattering yourself and centering yourself as the active agent in their autonomy. Stop exaggerating your role in this. You don't "give" a baby the ability to walk, you don't "give" a child the ability to ride a bike or swim. You are providing the conditions for them to learn how to do these things themselves. If a teacher wouldn't say "I did that. I gave them the ability to pass the exam." because it's gross and erases the effort and the autonomy of students then why is it that in the professions that are apparently so fixated upon client empowerment it's totally acceptable, if not downright encouraged, to treat empowerment in this sort of framing?)
Thanks, I would like to try this. But I need to frame it in way that won't anger or offend her. Any suggestions?
I wouldn't do it straight off the bat after the vaguely threatening email because that wouldn't go over so well but personally I'd probably just start a gentle discussion about Maslow's Hierarchy and I'd muse on the historical development of the concept and mostly ask them open ended, philosophical and practical questions about it. (I have a tendency to be a bit sanctimonious online but irl I'm much less inclined to be unless someone is really imposing on my goodwill or they're wilfully spouting misinformation.) But that's my style of conversation tbh and I'd feel pretty comfortable discussing the topic. It might be a different for others though, and maybe approaching it from a place of learning would suit them better, for example, than taking the approach of musing from a postcolonial critical perspective of Maslow's work would, you know what I mean? I can't tell you what an "authentic" way (cursed term) is for you but I'd encourage you to approach this sort of discussion in a way that feels right to you.
As for the bird's eye view accountability stuff, that would require more tact although a reasonable therapist these days should at least draw upon humanistic psychology and client-centred therapy, one foundational aspect of this approach being unconditional positive regard, so if a client is being "difficult" then a therapist should, at least theoretically, engage the client without reacting to the "difficult" behaviour or to respond in such a way that generates a feeling of judgement or rejection in the client.
A therapist worth their salt is going to be able to draw upon unconditional positive regard at least as a tool in their toolkit when a client appears to be hostile, as a hypothetical example:
"I'm done with all this fucking therapy. It's bullshit and I never get any answers from you it's just a series of questions from you and it never goes anywhere."
"I can understand why it can be frustrating. I do appreciate you being honest with me about how you're feeling. Is there something in particular that has made you arrive at this conclusion?"
"Yeah. I've been doing this for over a year and I haven't made any progress. I'd be better off doing something that makes me feel good rather than talking in circles for an hour. It's a waste of my time being here."
"I know it's hard to put in a lot of time and effort only to feel like you haven't made any progress but I've seen you make progress through our work together."
"Bullshit. You're just saying that because you don't want to lose business."
"That's not true - I have a waiting list of clients. I don't view you as a cash cow."
"So why do you bother if I haven't made any progress after all this time?"
"Well I think the person who first started therapy with me a year ago would have stormed out or just ghosted me if they felt this way back then. Instead you are here talking about your frustrations with me in an honest and vulnerable way. That might not feel like progress to you in this moment but we have spent a lot of time working through what happened in your divorce and one of the things that contributed to this was because you learned through your upbringing that bottling up your emotions was the only safe way of dealing with them which ultimately caused a lot of friction in your marriage which went unresolved until it piled up to the point that the relationship broke down. Now you are here sharing some pretty raw emotions openly with me. That takes a lot of courage and from my perspective it represents the growth that comes from you consistently putting in hard work."
That sort of thing. A competent therapist shouldn't really shut things down unless they are inappropriate (e.g. sexual advances or seeking approval to abuse others) or they are threatening (e.g. making threats against the therapist or others). They should be able to deal with a client expressing difficult emotions in an unfiltered way with equanimity. That's kinda their whole job, y'know?
As a more personal example, I told my therapist that they need to stop centring themselves in my experience and that they need to be more precise with their language or more open-ended with certain questions because I have plenty of insight so they need to trust in my ability to use this insight rather than presuming what's going on for me and placing themselves in the middle of it.
Basically a polite way of saying "Back off, butt out, and if you're going to ask me a question then either be skilful in your use of language or just ask me directly in an open-ended way because I'm quite capable of describing what's going on for me" lol. This was because I had hit a nerve the previous session and it drew out a lot of pent up frustration that I have with myself. My therapist assumed that I was reacting defensively to how I perceived them to be judging me/putting expectations on me and they asked me if I was feeling angry.
I was kinda blindsided by the questions and my therapist's approach and it took me days to puzzle out where they were coming from with their line of inquiry.
Basically it was all me. My therapist didn't even come into consideration in this. I wasn't feeling angry because I had sublimated my feelings of anger by internalising them into frustration a long time ago so it felt qualitatively different to me and if my therapist asked me "What emotion are you experiencing in this moment?" I would have immediately said frustration and very likely I would have said frustration at myself. But they asked me if I felt angry and I baffled and said something like "Huh?? Not at all." From their perspective I was obviously feeling angry and from my perspective I was feeling something that didn't fit my definition of anger at all.
Same goes for them leading a series of questions inquiring about if I was reacting to me feeling like I needed to defend myself from them. If they had just started from first principles and asked me directly what has caused these feelings of frustration to manifest I would have explained that it was all coming from me having expectations of myself that I am unable to meet and which I feel incapable of resolving so it has just built up until I unintentionally struck a nerve in myself by saying something that caused it to come pouring out all at once.
I think that sort of discussion was probably a little bit treacherous for them because they had to trust that I wasn't engaging in some sort of follow-up defensive strategy to cover my tracks and double down in denial. I basically told them in a respectful way that they overstepped the boundaries and they handled an important moment for me unskilfully. It would have been much easier for them to shut the discussion down as being problematic or hostile than it was to accept that they had the wrong approach. But they are usually very skilful and they handled the situation with grace, and fortunately since that point I've noticed that they are much more careful about not overinterpreting and they are much more open-ended in their questioning which has allowed me the room to explain what's going on for me and this has led to better mutual understanding between us since they aren't trying to dance around things and I am not put into a position of trying to reason backwards from their line of questioning to figure out what they're driving at, which means I can focus less on the interpersonal communication and more on working through what I'm dealing with.
This has been an excruciatingly long winded way of telling you that your therapist should be very much equipped for and skilled in navigating conversations that are far more challenging than a basic discussion about accountability and their therapeutic approach.
I don't believe my therapist is skilled at all. She doesn't even seem to know what to do in the sessions. She tries to make me think of things to do. For instance in the first session she asked if I had any ideas for things I've thought of that might make me feel better and I expressed a vague interest in meditation, and she leapt on that and from then on made a large chunk of each session a meditation, and not even a good one. Literally telling me to close my eyes and in a very unenthusiastic voice, showing how bored she is she'd drone for about 20 minutes whatever nonsense she could think of, always the same "Feel your breath. You can't breathe in the past or the future, only the present. Feel your feet, thank them for walking for you. Roll your ankles. Mentally scan your body and notice anywhere you feel discomfort. Turn your head to the left. Now the right." Just on and on for 20 minutes. Then in every session she gets out a diagram of a human body, brings out some crayons and tells me to colour in wherever I feel pain in my body. Then she tells me to draw a picture of whatever I'm feeling that day. Then she writes a timetable for the week (of getting out of bed, watching TV, walking, meditating, eating mindfully, etc) and tells me to stick to it. That's the end. The same every week. How on earth is this crap meant to help me? And then she got defensive last week when I said this wasn't working for me, isn't doing anything to help, and told me to quit if I want. When I explained my financial reasons for not quitting, explained how I'm worried it will lead to losing my appeal, my benefits being stopped permanently and destitution and homelessness she didn't give a shit and said that's not a good enough reason to have therapy. So I don't know how to explain to her that I need my basic needs met, in a way she will accept. She clearly doesn't understand or care about my impending potential homelessness and regular periods of starvation. I even told her about this website and how several people here over the last couple of months have helped me out with food vouchers to prevent me from starving because my situation is that dire, and you should have seen her face. I've never seen anyone look at me with such contempt before. She looked like she thought I'm some kind of piece of shit scam artist begging money from strangers. She actually told me to stop asking people on here for help. What am I meant to do, just starve to death? She clearly has absolutely no concept of what it's like to be so financially desperate and doesn't want to learn.
Hm. That does sound frustrating. I don't want to get too involved and pass judgement because I don't know the situation first hand. Not trying to be invalidating or anything but I don't want to insinuate myself in the therapeutic relationship, or lack thereof, because it's not really a wise thing to do as a bystander.
Out of curiosity, do you know her qualifications?
How would you feel about telling her that you don't need her to do guided meditations with you any more?
Have you considered what it would take to transfer to a different therapist or if it's a possibility?
I don't know this one's qualifications, but the previous one (many years ago) admitted she wasn't qualified yet, so who knows if this one is even qualified? It's not a possibility to transfer. I was on the waiting list for 5 years to get this one and this is all I've been offered. I could ask her to stop the guided meditations but then she will either expect me to think of something else to do, or she'll drag the drawing nonsense out. Whatever she does it will be nonsense, she's clearly just trying to fill the time with whatever so she can collect her paycheck. I don't actually want therapy at all. I've had four therapies in my life and they were all shit. I've accepted my situation. I'm just trying to stick this out to help my benefits claim. Another issue is I hate the therapy wing of the hospital, it stinks of perfume and air fresheners that give me a migraine and the therapist doesn't care about that either.
(About Maslow's)
What are those better concepts?
Lol Everything onwards from this really helps me understand more about power dynamics. Thank you.
I was dangerously close to falling into a similar situation this summer - a medication that helped my condition but broke my brain. I was so afraid that they would force me to keep taking it even though it was making me more disabled than before, and going off benefits would mean losing my health insurance, which would mean... etc.
And yeah, I've also had to avoid going to the hospital for status migrainosus because I knew that hospital conditions would exacerbate the migraine long before doing anything to treat it: the fluorescent lighting, the smells, the noises, the interruptions, the 10+ hours to wait for a bed because they don't give a fuck about people with an invisible disability.
I once went to hospital with status migrainosus and they gave me aspirin and sent me on my way. Truly, no-one cares about us.
Thinking of skipping class today tbh. Just... really not feeling it.
I let slip in my interview last week that I'm autistic. Idk why, I guess just over the last year or 2 since I've been learning where I do and don't mask, and when I should mask around normies, I've slowly become aware of my own Self more. But the question was related to what kind of person I am. I'm fucking goofy. Like I know when I need to be serious or whatever but even my partner has pointed out that I crack stupid jokes as a defense when I'm nervous and such. I'm just a goofy and weird person and I really don't wanna change that.
I do feel obligated if that wasn't a deal breaker to explain that I need directions explained literally to me otherwise I can spend hours dissecting what they are really asking from me. I get fired for that part a lot(for not knowing precisely what I should be doing etc). After I learned that little nugget about me, I can see why in the past I might have gotten fired for being "confrontational", or "lazy", or whatever. Other big reason is burnout causing my performance to slip.
But I think I might bring that up if I get a third interview. And that is what I am waiting on now. Idk when that will be but I hope it's soon because I've been studying for a potential drug test and I just wanna fucking get high and disassociate for a few days. These last 2 job prospects have felt a lot like work.
E: I didn't get the job. Looks like I may be medicating tonight...
does anyone here have any suggestions on how to use a computer on a bed? i just use laptops cos i can't figure it out, but it would be nice to build a computer one day when this current laptop kicks the bucket
When I was in the hospital, I put my computer on a table/desk thing that rolled around and could swing out from under the bed. It looked like this:
||---------- < tray
|| ========== <edge of bed
||------
O O < wheels
I forgot what they're called but I can look it up. You could easily set it up to just have the monitor, keyboard, and mouse on the tray with a desktop on the floor (I didn't do that obviously since I was in a hospital and owned a laptop at the time).
edit:
Here we go! "Hospital Overbed Table" is what they're called. Better picture:
omg this is actually perfect, thanks so much
Here's how they're used:
Sounds like an adjustable monitor stand of sufficient height, and tilting lap desk would serve you if I'm picturing right what you're asking
ah that should work, thanks!
wireless keyboard and wireless trackball, plus the monitor where you can see it or aim a projector at the ceiling if you don't mind the fan noise.
the overbed table looks great if your bed height, carpet, and posture are compatible.
::: spoiler talking about how I've never really accepted that I'm disabled? you may have heard this all before So I don't have one visible, defining disability, but I have plenty of small physical and significant mental things that affect me. I'm visually impaired, that's the most obvious - I'm shortsighted and have astigmatism, and I have to always wear glasses to function. That's an easily treatable disability that is not stigmatized, and barely even seen as a disability by most.
I'm also slightly hard of hearing and I have weird feet (dunno if that's a disability? I need specific shoes or I'll be in pain when I walk for extended periods of time). I used to get ingrown toenails because normal shoes made me stand and walk weirdly.
I've also had kinda weak lungs for basically no reason. When I was like 15 I had a bad coughing fit at the beach once, and it's just never stopped. Every now and then I have to cough a lot, like way more than any healthy person. Nobody knows what's up with that.
That brings me on to long covid. The coughing got way worse ever since I got covid for the second time this summer. Also I've lost most of my sense of smell.
Then there's the mental list of neurodivergence and mental illness. ADHD, autism, depression, anxiety. These all greatly impact me.
But for some reason - I guess because no one ever said it to me - I have never identified as disabled. No one ever said "Moss, you are disabled", so I just assumed I wasnt. I obviously am, in a lot of minor ways, but people think disability is just needing a wheelchair. It's only in the past couple months that I've actually had the realization that I am disabled and always have been. I had (and still have) a lot of reactionary brainworks around disability to excise. :::
Another day of trying to use "fantasizing about successfully suing the United States of America for giving me a migraine" as a painkiller
I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I can't work in a monitored PC, in an open office, with stand up meetings that interrupt me and a 2h commute (total thankfully). I know I have it good with my slow-ass coding job, but this kind of environment isn't conductive to taking breaks so I just overwork myself. I already used the "feeling sick" excuse last week to work remotely, so I will have to survive another day. Being AuDHD is suffering
Hi mega :ralsei-wave:
😩been putting off laundry because my knees and back hurt
I’m realizing that my brain works faster than body (can think of things to say but the words come out of mouth slower thank I can think), and it makes me feel trapped. Idk whether this is autism or something else but it causes crippling anxiety
I occaisionally get something that sounds similar as a symptom of bipolar disorder. It's called "racing thoughts" and describes times when i'm experiencing a flood of fast thoughts that change topic wildly and often feel like they're pouring in to my "i think therefor I am" conscious mind from other parts of my brain. It can be very distressing, both because it is so disruptive to thinking and doing the things I need to do, and because it tends to come with "pressured speech, an impulsive need to sat everything i'm thinking and talk continuously.
Weed really helps relieve my ME/CFS symptoms. I smoke it now but I’m going to see if I can get some low dosage edibles to keep my lungs healthy.
just in case edibles don't work out for you, vaping can also be a lot easier on the lungs, particularly if you do it through water
Which auadhd symptom is the one that makes me not enjoy concerts? Followup what is the treatment protocol for that? I feel like I can enjoy drinking at a concert but not the actual concert.
I work in music, etymotic earplugs help a great deal with volume at concerts. And you can hear the music better!
Oh damn, gonna check that out
I keep them on my keychain and use them all the time. Even in just loud rooms with poor acoustics, they are a godsend. Most are relatively similar across the price range, just with differences of decibel reduction. I recommend 10 or 15 db.
crowded + loud + nobody is paying any god damned attention to what's going on around them so you have to do it for everybody the whole time = stimulus overload
Maybe some autism sensitivity like the music being too loud for you
I had not considered this but in retrospect I feel like that is probably part of it.
Turns out having a job i dont hate makes me want to do bad things to myself less. Waow