I have a friend who’s an atheist. Naturally as a Christian I’m very concerned for his soul. How can I witness to my atheist friend?
I have a sure-fire way for you to witness to your friend.
Go to your local lumber and hardware store. Purchase the following:
1 nine-foot railroad tie or length 8”x8” lumber
1 six-foot length of 2”x6”
1 pack of heavy-duty 6” nails
4 large spikes
I assume you can get a small shovel, a hammer, and a sharp-ended crowbar. If not, you’ll have to buy those too.
Invite your friend to meet you at a relatively private public area - a low hill surrounded by trees would be ideal. Arrive there an hour early. Dig a two-and-a-half foot deep hole at the top of the hill, just big enough for the railroad tie.
Next, nail the 2x6 perpendicularly onto the railroad tie, two and a half feet from one end. Use at least four heavy nails.
This next part may be a little tricky; you may want to have a (Christian) friend help you. Use the spikes to nail your wrists to the end of the 2x6, and you feet to the longer end of the protruding railroad tie. Make sure to put the spikes through your wrists, not your palms; if you put them through your palms they’ll rip through. You’ll flop forward and look ridiculous, and you won’t convert anybody.
Have a friend (or two) lift the railroad tie and slide the base into the hole you dug. They should make sure that the railroad tie stands up firmly; if necessary, they can pack some stones around the tie in the hole.
Have someone jab you firmly in the side of your abdomen with the sharpened crowbar, making a deep hole. By now, your atheist friend should have arrived.
Die.
Come back to life.
Your friend is now ready for conversion.
Cruxifux - 18hr
I imagine converting someone who’s atheist and not a total idiot would be next to impossible.
7
BobQuasit @beehaw.org - 17hr
So actually witnessing an incontrovertible miracle wouldn't work for you?
I can't say that it would work for me, mind you. I'd probably get myself examined by a neurologist first!
5
Cruxifux - 15hr
Yes, that would work. But that’s also impossible lol
5
HubertManne - 17hr
To be fair what you layed out is far more than next to impossible.
4
LowKeyLooker - 17hr
I imagine that’s the point of the post
3
Cruxifux - 15hr
Oh certainly. I was more commenting on the original question.
3
davel - 17hr
Good copypasta shitpost.
2
BobQuasit @beehaw.org - 16hr
Is it copypasta if I wrote it?
3
davel - 16hr
4
deadbeef79000 @lemmy.nz - 4hr
Or just get a bunch of your fellow evangelicals together, isolate your mark from their actual friends and gas light them for a few years, you'll break them easily enough.
BobQuasit in atheism
How Do I Witness to My Atheist Friend?
From alt.atheism on Usenet, many many years ago:
I have a sure-fire way for you to witness to your friend.
Go to your local lumber and hardware store. Purchase the following:
I assume you can get a small shovel, a hammer, and a sharp-ended crowbar. If not, you’ll have to buy those too.
Invite your friend to meet you at a relatively private public area - a low hill surrounded by trees would be ideal. Arrive there an hour early. Dig a two-and-a-half foot deep hole at the top of the hill, just big enough for the railroad tie.
Next, nail the 2x6 perpendicularly onto the railroad tie, two and a half feet from one end. Use at least four heavy nails.
This next part may be a little tricky; you may want to have a (Christian) friend help you. Use the spikes to nail your wrists to the end of the 2x6, and you feet to the longer end of the protruding railroad tie. Make sure to put the spikes through your wrists, not your palms; if you put them through your palms they’ll rip through. You’ll flop forward and look ridiculous, and you won’t convert anybody.
Have a friend (or two) lift the railroad tie and slide the base into the hole you dug. They should make sure that the railroad tie stands up firmly; if necessary, they can pack some stones around the tie in the hole.
Have someone jab you firmly in the side of your abdomen with the sharpened crowbar, making a deep hole. By now, your atheist friend should have arrived.
Die.
Come back to life.
Your friend is now ready for conversion.
I imagine converting someone who’s atheist and not a total idiot would be next to impossible.
So actually witnessing an incontrovertible miracle wouldn't work for you?
I can't say that it would work for me, mind you. I'd probably get myself examined by a neurologist first!
Yes, that would work. But that’s also impossible lol
To be fair what you layed out is far more than next to impossible.
I imagine that’s the point of the post
Oh certainly. I was more commenting on the original question.
Good copypasta shitpost.
Is it copypasta if I wrote it?
Or just get a bunch of your fellow evangelicals together, isolate your mark from their actual friends and gas light them for a few years, you'll break them easily enough.