Have you tried buying a new one?

It's a motivation problem. Try throwing it a pizza party.

Likely it is the French language pack.

Remove it;

Sudo rm -rf /

As you added just one single exclamation mark I assume your request to be non-urgent and ignore it.

Turn it on, then turn it back off again.

It works fine, your eyeballs are broken.

Install Arch, problem solved.

Drop it in a bathtub

It's fixes now. Bless.

Oooooo, computer says nooooo.

Install the visual c++ runtime v6

no

Have you tried turning it off and on again?