HELLO THIS IS THE MEGA SIGN UP POST/LIST POST

if you have a preferred week please tell me

nemmybun* (7/13 - 7/19)
Shaleesh* (7/20 - 7/26)
SwitchyandWitchy* (7/27 - 8/2)
Busgirl* (8/3 - 8/9)
GayTuckerCarlson* (8/10 - 8/16)
SockOlm (8/17 - 8/23)

​ * after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters

I am now a skirts girl. Pants are for work.

100 days on hrt

My bikini arrived, I'm gonna try swimming in the ocean this weekend

they sent me lewd pics chat 😳

Today I didn't do anything at work so I got paid for reading yuri and theory :3

I ordered some "aspirational dresses" thinking in a few years of hormones I'd look good in them and wear them out. Well, chat, I'm delighted to say they fit, i looked gorgeous and I went out in one last night and felt like a queen.

Some old boomer passers-by looked at me and my girlfriend like they wanted to kill us but I'm getting pretty used to that by now. And they were outweighed by all the smiles of queer recognition. I guess I wear beautiful dresses now.

presenting fem at work, everyone’s using my name, trying ritalin for my brain, gf called me gorgeous everything’s coming up [redacted]

Gotta say, Im still really digging having a vagina! Its great every day. I still grin like an idiot when I see it and look at it.

I am glad that FINALLY I'm on the part of the recovery schedule where dilating is once a day and slowly I can decrease that (or just have someone else to dilate for me so to speak lol).

two years on estrogen today

hello fellows transes new person here:3 yay, i wrote an intro.post you can see on my profile if you wanna see dunno if its anything worth reading

hope everyones having a nice day, mine isnt and everything overwhelming lol

::: spoiler sex, rant, TMI Out of the blue so apologies I suppose, I'm a bit of a prude regarding this but whatever.. I just suck at fucking. I have a cis long term girlfriend and well she has her own sex issues like a lot of them but I also am just plainly bad. I cant finger her cause it hurts her, only very rarely it feels pleasurable. It took like 3 years of actively trying to have sex before I managed to make her cum using my fingers last month (it was the first time she didnt get off herself). I am not on HRT cause I live in fuckass reactionary hellhole that would murder me for it and exclude me legally and I dont mind PIV, so we have done it a few times, and each time it felt good for her but overwhelming and in the end painful to the point she didnt want to do penetrative whatsoever anymore so we havent. Because of other outside circumstances we barely have been having sex at all and it just sucks feels like any progress we did is just undoing/gone. It just seems so easy for everyone else while for me it's always been shit. I'm always paranoid of hurting her and feel like a bad person. And that I should do better. I dont have anyone to talk to about this, other than her cause we are very good at communication, that's not an issue. She also has chronic pain and is potentially disabled so that might factor in, though most of this was before the onset of the worse stuff. Idk it's just so bad to the point it's eating at me cause I should be able to fuck cause we both enjoy it but then somehow we/I fuck up and it hurts or etc. I cant give head cause well at one point shes oversensitive and it begins hurting her, penetration hurts her too much, or I hurt her legs if I keep them up. It's so tiresome we stopped actively having sex and are regressing I think, cause we both have trauma before we met eachother. We both also have problems expressing desire, her even moreso than me; so even if she wants me physically she never says it and I want her to say it but she has a lot of religious trauma and etc. Sorry this was too big of a rant, just had to get this off my chest :/ I hate feeling so incompetent. I think we both need couples sex therapy and proper resources for prep but we're too poor to go to therapy anyways :::

Last day at the old job! And hopefully:

• last day hiding my chest at work
• last day going by a guy's name at work
• last day having to act like a guy at work

But first a little relaxation time!!!!!

a very cool feature of capitalism is that you can discontinue a product and simultaneously introduce a new product with a lightly tweaked recipe, package it in a bottle of half the volume, slap "professional" on the label, and charge twice as much for the privilege as an introductory offer before jacking up the price further. no other economic system could innovate like this.

(yes i am mad that my cheap and good conditioner is no longer cheap)

gf keeps commenting on how cute she finds my giggle and honestly it drives me a little wild i love her so much

Still getting a little misty eyed looking at my diploma with my name on it even a few days after graduation

Said goodbye to the cool intern girl I met recently at work and nervously asked if she wanted to hang out or keep in touch and turned out she was already thinking about asking me!! But she said "Oh I was talking with my girlfriend about this cool guy I met at work and she said we should just swap numbers" which did not feel good... And before this I'd handed her my number which had my new/real name written on it... Maybe she was just keeping with the kayfabe I've established?

So, me and this girl are sapphically sending cute little messages back and forth but also

::: spoiler sex we are definitely going to fuck for hours the next time we see each other. I'm bringing a selection of my lubes and toys and after we lay out the ground rules we're going feral on each other

I made a joke to one of my friends about calling me a [f slur] and he responded with something along the lines of, well, we actually don't know your sexuality, so we don't know if that's even a word for you. Like people clearly call trans women f slurs either way?

Look at him not assuming my sexuality though, I have wondered several times what the people who hadn't asked thought it was. Tbf to all of them I've never dated or even really expressed interest in dating.

Talked about my undercarriage stuff in therapy. Caught myself on the verge of tears saying "my body feels wrong" and now I'm kinda pissed I don't wanna have bottom dysphoria!!!!!

i believe with my whole heart that every high level FIFA official should be executed

My dad finally found an issue with my gf and it's about her not speaking spanish and more importantly why haven't I taught her after 5 months

Non binary time traveller with they/then pronouns

Today ended up being pretty good. Bit vaguely sad/emotional but it's over some bullshit not depression. Might try and talk to someone about it but there's not really anything to be done.

One week until vacation. Just have to lock it in for one week.

that's it i'm gonna start misgendering cis "people" whenever they "sir" me

Going to see my girlfriend today. Gonna give her a smooch.

I am really tired and a bit emotional feeling, I'm heading to bed very soon dont worry

::: spoiler spoiler sorry I'm a lot and I'm constantly needing support and shit. I know I'm a fucking mess and have been for actual years here. And I do feel bad about all the emotional work I am. :::

Really appreciate all of you. More then I could ever say. I don't have a lot of good people irl, and I have no idea how much longer it would have taken me to figure myself out and start transitioning without you. Love you all. Okay goodnight.

Finally watching Dunmeshi, super good we love a beautiful pathetic lesbian

Watched the first 3 episodes of digital circus last night, really hoping to watch more tonight. It was really good so far, I feel like it's building and I'm excited.

I'm also just really, really fucking tired today.

oki i finally got into wh40k mood and am playing Rogue Trader.

Why is it that every Owlcat gayme has a 10h prologue that makes me bounce off five times before I finally crack through and get obsessed with the game? anyways I'm iconoclasting all over the place, shooting dogmatists and heretics in the face and trying to woo Yrliet, the love of my life, who thinks I'm a disgusting mon'keigh so it's definitely going to happen!

the melta gun sound effects and visuals are top tier

I don't wanna be hyper femme. It's OK!

sees this image

Now I know I was just coping before

donald trump just sent nukes at brussels

I cut my own hair super cute and my mom didn't like it lol. My dad screamed at the walls like I had cut someone else's hair without their permission. I'm just happy I made them mad, though. I love being myself despite what they want or think about

I got a bruise from this weeks shot at least it doesn't happen very often.

::: spoiler sex when she pulls out the strap 🫪 :::

5 months in and shit still feels magical, date night we watched a movie called past lives about the what could have beens and yeah I get it. I had a lot of thoughts of what didn't work or what could have happened if I tried but after talking about whale penis and laughing at cuckholdry well I thank Marx we found each other 😊

Genuinely bullshit that the only part of myself I really actively like are my tits and apparently I'm not supposed to just send them to people

Stocking and t-shirt equipped.

Now it's time to find a sufficiently secluded spot in nature to take risqué selfies.

I'm quite tempted to start doing a lot more physical stuff once I move for my masters, but in typical princess fashion I want to do classical dance lessons and swordfighting like a weirdo instead of anything useful. I will become a princess-knight with all the proper training.

for the first time in my life I feel desirable & confident which is pretty epic but also im in a mono relationship and i keep crushing on my beautiful gorgeous wonderful friends ohnoooo

gay:3

Not me listening to asmr of a girl calling me a pretty girl to help me sleep

Aww, were flattered we of course fully deserve it, naturally

Not exactly looking forward to talking about my genitals in therapy tonight but I know I ought to... blargh

::: spoiler discussion of weight, pre-transition and post transition, bad living situation

My living situation in my childhood teens and early 20s was absolutely abysmal. On top of not being out, both me and my wife -- we're not looking good, like we're not thriving. I was extremely skinny and had a very sad expression on my face which I hid by trying to be "traditionally feminine." (according to cisheteronormativity)

Now that I've escaped that situation, and we are more stable and come into our identity as trans people, we have both gained weight and take care of ourselves better. I think that we both look so much better, and happier.

:::

Lately when people ask how I've been going I reply honestly "The world is sick, but I am healthy"

Little girl complimented my bracelet at the store :)

Was gonna be a decent day but then the last hour and change happened and I feel like

::: spoiler spoiler The most dejected unlovable stupid tr*nny freak alive. So far behind, so unwanted, so idiotic, and most of all pathetic. Wish I had the guts to hurt myself but noooo I'm on this "trying to be better" shtick god damn it. :::

Found out that I can just go to a pharmacy and buy estradiol enantate/dihydroxyprogesterone acetophenide(synthetic progestogen) that's sold as an injectable birth control and is widely used by trans woman, apparently without side-effects and is sold at like 10mg of Een per dose, so I could maybe just do half a dose every 10 days (idk how the fuck this comes packaged, might have to do 10mg every 14 days or something). This thing is super cheap, like 2 dollars per dose and is easy to find. Maybe I'll go for it I guess.

I'm going to a Ren fair soon and need a costume, anyone have ideas?? I don't really want to wear something exclusively male, I don't know about going out as a girl either though.

Finished season 1 of severance, love the show btw, and started watching what I thought was season 2 episode one. Watched like 5 minutes and thought, huh, this really does not seem to mesh with what just happened. Where is the answer to the cliffhanger?

I was watching episode like 7. Whoops.

Being so hungry that I'm going to throw up seems like a bit of an own goal on mother nature's part. What was she cooking

Is eggnog the first name or is it bountiful?

I'm used to abhoring pictures other people take of me, but my mom took some that actually weren't that bad yesterday

Things are getting a lot better with her. I think now that I'm girlmoding it's easier for her to understand.

::: spoiler seeking buttsex advice I haven't quite cracked the code on loosening up for receiving anal sex. Is there anyone here who has a routine that works for them? I have graduated butt plugs, various kinds of lube, and several dildos but it always seems like a crapshoot whether or not I can get my hole to chill out. :::

Being an "evil" alchemist and exploring anomalies or horror locations would be so fun.

"Oh what is this screaming pile of flesh? It's a failed human experiment? The owner of this dungeon must be an idiot who doesn't know proper disposal procedures"

"Wow these monsters are attacking me. I guess I gotta use my sulphur grenades and pocket homonculi to fight back"

"These mad ravings carved onto the wall ... brother couldn't afford more paper lmao"

I looked at a picture of me from a year ago and my tits went from 13 year old girl to grown ass woman like damn

KILL ALL FIFA REFEREES

A good and bad thing about work today

The good! I got a bunch of scented hand sanitizers and sprays for free. Someone brought in a huge box of them so I grabbed like a dozen. Sadly I can't smell them really at all.

::: spoiler the bad No gender neutral bathroom/changing area so I have to change in the mens. With my fuckin titties. There is one area with a curtain but its only one, only with a curtain. Hate it. Feels humiliating. Just have to change quickly and hope no one sees me. Most of the time I'm able to change at home but not always. :::

::: spoiler dysphoria/transphobic family If I had the ability to grow big naturals, I would. But I cant because my mom would crucify me if I had fat boobs or boobs of any sort. I used to be all lol im so content with no tiddies but im like holy shit I need titties pls God teleport me some tiddies amen :::

::: spoiler venting a bit just general misfortune and negativity oblique mention of misogyny

---

my ex came over to see my parents cause they are still friends (we are friends too, in theory, but we don't really talk much anymore). i am living with my parents currently because i had to give up my quasi independence to escape abuse and nobody is getting housed in my city let alone disabled trans women. they retold a misogynistic joke they heard and thought was hilarious. of course my dad thought it was a riot my mam kinda made a face but didn't really speak up. i called them out on it and they went defensive and weaselly, saying the the joke could have been made about any gender and that it was just "absurd" humour. just call me a crazy bitch why don't you fucking asshole. i just said defend it however you want and left. so i'm sat in my boiling attic room while they have dinner with my parents. i fucking hate liberals and i hate it here :::

Hate being at work when I feel like shit, obviously work sucks regardless but I also hate giving people an attitude/tone that I wouldn't normally use and they don't deserve.

Also this boss fucking sucks shit I hope she dies. 2 weeks (of work, some vacation in there) left.

The translator is not incompetent. The characters are just genderfluid with ever changing pronouns

Eyyy looks at this new mega

ANOTHA KKKRACKA DOWN

Megathread is there a preference between dub or sub when watching Spirited Away

I had to call support to get my internet fixed (I guess mice chewed through a cable under the trailer ugh) and the technician I was talking to over the phone had me on speaker in his truck, so I heard my own voice on his speakers.

Just need to say, even though I did all my voice training DIY, it works. 😊

The Banshees of Inisherin. 10/10

::: spoiler short mild spoiler review. CW for a variety of heavy emotional topics

The Banshees of Inisherin is one of the most emotionally devastating films I've ever seen. The plot is simple: In 1923 Ireland, two lifelong friends fall apart after one (Brendan Gleeson) suddenly declared he does not like the other (Colin Farrell) anymore. An allegory for the Irish civil war, the devastation comes from it's subtlety. There is no great betrayal, or drunken slander that gets too harsh, Brendan Gleesons character Colm states he no longer likes Farrells character Pádraic simply because he finds Pádraic to be poor, unstimulating company and a wee bit annoying. This cuts incredibly deep for anyone of a certain self conscious social anxiety or gone through a bad breakup. The bulk of the film is Pádraic refusing to accept the new normal, trying to unsuccessfully to repair what is broken while he continues to grow sadder and more desperate, but then turns to anger as Colm rejects his attempts at mending, under threat of self harm. The two men spiral into darkness, both one upping the destruction they cause to themselves and each other, mirroring a civil conflict spiraling out of control and causing deep, decades long division.

10/10. This is the best breakup movie ever made. I will never watch this again (compliment)

:::

Cuuuuute plant

On a more fun note: I'm getting really into the idea of collecting soviet jet model kits, but my brain wants me to only collect 1/100 kits so they're in scale with my gunpla and unfortunately 1/100 just is not a plane kit scale that gets produced in very large quantities, especially for the planes I want. Except the MiG21 which is great because that plane is so fucking weird I love it and I want a full squad. The full silver with red markings is sooo cool, almost sports car ish on some decos it's wild. Gods they'd look gorgeous if I painted them to be chrome and candy red.

And then, obviously not soviet but in the same lineage, the prototype MiG35s with the blue sky camo are so pretty??? The actual production planes are whatever, but I want to make a prototype one, it seems like a fun project.

I'm not really that hungry

Grrrr

bites you

havent cut my hair in 4 years and i'm quite attached to the length, though it needs to be cut cause the ends are fucking up a bit, but the biggest issue is i always had it parted down the middle of my head and im losing a lot of hair because of stress so its thinning, great;-;

user mounting a soft defence of a known TERF they posted by feigning ignorance and deflecting and distracting when called out? must be a day ending in y outside the trans comm on hexbear

I have terrible news... I no longer like red velvet cake :( it's too chocolatey

I think I'm starting to understand why trans people tend to stop interacting with trans spaces after a few years. There just, isn't anything for me in them anymore now that I'm 6 years in and mostly done with the big steps. Like, they're so oriented towards people in the first few years of transition, and I get that, those people need lots of help finding their way and support while going through some big changes and often tough shit, but there's just, no space that isn't that. There is no "I've been transing for 6 years and have gone through most of this shit already" space. And now it feels a bit isolating honestly, these spaces that used to be a huge comfort just aren't to me anymore, and there's no real alternative for me to move on to.

Like 2 years ago I would have baulked at the idea and insisted how I can always shift towards more of a helper/big sister role and how I'll never get tired of that, but now? I've done that, a lot. It kept blowing up in my face when the kids ignore the boundaries I set or generally refuse to actually engage with the things I say while instead just wanting comfort and little else and idk. At a certain point I feel like I'm just repeating the same things and nothing's changing. I think they probably need to just learn by doing after the first few times because the repetition clearly isn't helping. Obviously they do need the comfort and help, but it shouldn't be an excuse to avoid working on themselves too, yet it feels like it always ends up that way barring a few exceptions. I can't be a saint always there for them, and I think I need to finally let myself accept that and just stop neglecting my own needs and give myself some grace about it. Empathy is a (Aristotelian, I'm a dorky philosopher shush) virtue, but so is temperance, I need to recognise my limits more and be kinder to myself about not being literally perfect all the time, I obviously can't be.

Not to mention me getting busier, I'm starting my Masters in 2 months, with a TA position already lined up for me and a new thesis I need to start researching and preparing for. I frankly do not have the time to spend in trans communities that I used to, especially big sistering kids, and even more especially when I get so little out of my time in them now. I guess this is just growing up though, oh well.

Comic about transphobia

::: spoiler spoiler :::

The theme today was nature's tripods. Balance the phone on a tree branch without damaging the plant.

Took me a while and there's all sorts of needles/plant debris on my ass but I got some nice nice selfies. The restriction was a bit tough to work around so a full body standing up could not be taken.

Disclaimer: the selfies aren't nude. Just in lingere.

I don't know what's going on but I've been feeling very stressed and high strung for the past few days.

I think my next big step is figuring out how to stop this constant need of mine to seek permission for everything instead of just trusting myself and exercising my self-determination.

I am terrified of trying to find a full time job in my new state. I don't know how and have no confidence in my ability to do it. And its obviously the most important thing right now. Well, once we move (happening very soon!).

My mega's coming up already and I haven't chosen a topic yet. I was thinking of doing a set over a week like the recent corvid post. Whatchu all think about these?

• My favorite flowers
• Miniature animals
• Women vg composers
• Unlicensed political/propaganda console games from 80s to 90s
• Throwback to my past by listing favorite beers

Woke up still feeling shitty, decided some caffeine would be nice. Drink machine stole my 3 bucks and then broke itself. Fuck me.

I can't even really pinpoint something to complain about. I wonder how transphobic my family is going to be. And I worry about how transphobic employers are gonna be. Fuck. Could cry.

Relapsed on vaping, but it's also an appetite suppressant, so at least it's a bit easier to lose weight. Need to quit again for my transition and voice training though.

I finished digital circus the other night. It was a really good ending.

::: spoiler spoilers for the show, if you haven't watched please go watch instead of clicking. My thoughts of the ending and the entire show. I was a bit worried for how the show would do Jax's ending. There was obviously some trans themes and stuff in the middle but it felt like they had a lot to cover in the last episode and they did. Very heartbreaking.

It was also sad they never get redeemed. Jax, but also the other abstracted people. The frog especially. That whole sequence was incredibly sad.

The ending of them remaining permanently stuck, but happy, was still a bit of a horrifying for me. I liked the characters theory in that one episode of them being plugged into a machine and being able to actually escape. There is something extremely unsettling to me about simulating human consciousness in a computer and the horror of the simulated subject. They are essentially human but forever stuck.

I think its maybe a bit weird there's an episode of Caine going completely off the rails evil and torturing everyone for fun and to "put them in their place" right before he becomes good. I really like him being subtly evil in the early show and the increase in his evilness. I guess the extreme change from completely evil to completely remorseful is really quick, but the show is also kinda short so there's kinda not much to do about that. Really like his character and design.

The gun episode was one of my favorites, loved the one on one conversations in it, as well as the premise of Caine getting tired and just giving them guns instead of anything complex. Also how Jax can explain to Pomni his intense nihilism about the world he is stuck in.

Love Kinger's character and all the backstory and lore, and the way its delivered. I don't know how much I have to say but I feel like his character was done really well.

Sorry this is a bit all over the place. I really thought Jax was going to get redeemed and brought back from abstraction. When Pomni went in after him, and then even after when they had him in the little like recovery room. But no, he really just dies. :::

I really liked the show and will definitely be watching through it again to catch stuff I missed.

::: spoiler transophobia How would a trans person even deal with state level transophobia where if you transition and e.g. don't match your ID picture they wont provide services for you? They would never let me change my ID as nobody can here and it sucks. I'm not on HRT mostlycause I will get socially excluded from the state apparatus so I'll probably have no healthcare or anything at this rate, and finding a job is hard as is in technology/techbro dominated field. But it sucks a lot, my only comforts are small GNC acts. :::

i hate my manager being an AIbro this sucks :/

down with cis

Joker (2019) boldly asks the question: "What if Taxi Driver was an 8/10 movie instead of 10/10?"

Feeling kinda paranoid about being seen these days. Since I haven't been actively boymoding my boobs are too big to hide, but I still get gendered as male most of the time.

I feel like it's cause of my facial hair and voice but I can't be sure. Is it also because of my clothes? I can't tell.

::: spoiler hopium went to a demo last night to protest some fucked up stuff the government is doing to us and there is honestly such an overlap in terms of comrades organising for palestine, tenants and workers unions, the green party (yes, really - they're actually good in some cities here), queer liberation and so many other causes. like whatever i go to, there are always familiar faces. it gives me such hope to see people recognise that these are all facets of the same class struggle and i'm feeling kind of good about our chances. :::

::: spoiler child abuse I was having a discussion with someone last night about child abuse and what is to be done, specifically spanking. Anyway it absolutely shocked me how many people think it's okay. 75%~ in America. Tried looking it up for China (just because I think China is a bit more representative of "ideal" conditions) and remembered how prevelent physical abuse is there as well. Fuck.

Also looked up male circumcision, and while people mostly frame it as an American issue it's 40% globally. That also shocked me.

Anyway I'm a misanthrope :::

::: spoiler si (positive ending i promise)

had a dream where i had to die for some reason. recite the shahada, lethal injection, roll me up in a shroud. the primary emotion that bled through after waking up was sadness, regret that i wasn’t able to keep living my life, missing all the moments i could have had and things i wanted to do. i really wanted to keep living because i feel like im finally living a life that’s mine rather than being an observer to someone else’s that was technically mine but also i really wished it wasn’t.

i feel like many of us have had the passive si phase where we’re not actively trying to end it, but wouldn’t have been mad to fall asleep and not wake up. wanting a form of peace and not being picky about where it came from. when i was a kid i had struggled with gender, obviously, but had no idea why i was constantly depressed and anxious and no conceptualization of a way out, so i was like whatever removes me from this torment, sick.

clearly i'm not there anymore; i’m so fucking early in self actualization that if i croaked now, i’d mostly be mad/sad on how much i’m missing out. i have a lovely relationship, a job that has been treating me right post coming out (still taking notes in case i need evidence), and i know a few names at the regular trans meetup nearby. extremely content but also aware of how much i still want to do, how many other names i want to learn (maybe make new friends for the first time since covid???), even how i want to spend time with my queer coworkers outside of work (one asked me if i wanted to get my hair cut with her at this queer friendly salon).

that’s a nice change of pace and it reminded me how far i’ve come, i’m not the little girl trapped without a way out, im a slightly bigger girl with her whole life ahead of her :::

Thinking about dating in general and like growing up it's been not really something I did and when I saw it through others it's seemed rocky at best. My own parents relationship is loving but the barely talk sometimes, what I got with my gf is more deeper idk. I can spend all day talking to her confiding things I never could before. Overall it's been great dating someone and that someone becoming your best friend 😊

Wow yall were right, Dorley good.

I am now running into the "problem" of having too many girls from [nearby large city] vying for my time

If we had communism, I could have my harem

Did my injection tonight, but talking with someone else about it apparently hers don't leak? I basically always get some clear liquid coming back out of the injection spot. I pinch my belly, stick a 5/8 (I think??) 25g straight down. Pause for a beat, inject, wait another beat, then pull out. I try to leave it in for a bit in hopes it wouldn't leak but it still is. Is this normal/okay? Bit worried I've been fucking up and losing some every injection for 9 months now. Still getting tits n stuff but I want to make sure I'm doing it properly

dressed up to go out. good vibes overall, nothing major really; but afterwards when walking away with some women i didn’t know, a guy rolled his window down to catcall them and we all just collectively rolled our eyes. very nice moment of shared femininity although i’m still having trouble fucking Talking rather than just becoming quiet when in public as a woman

Wish I got assigned to a remote location to perform a deadly technically challenging task for the rest of my natural lifespan while being locked in with a bunch of sexually frustrated men

OK scratch the last part I still want the first part.

I think I forgot to take my hormones and that's why I'm feeling like shit

I'm ready to talk about the cannibalism thing

::: spoiler spoiler

Looking at the thing it's so silly. I need to calm down and relax and stop assuming the worst about myself. No I'm not going to kill people. I just don't actually have a disgust response to the idea of eating people. But that's fine. I'm just recognising a thing inside me. Same way I got bones in me but I don't take em out and chuck em at people.

Even if my philosophy and sensibilities are abnormal it's no big deal. I don't put animals in death camps. Society does. Feeling guilty about my urges is dumb when I'm better than most of society.

:::

Porky must be fucking with me because my facial SPF is discontinued too

@Eco@hexbear.net your sedums look like crinoids

I've had a tab of oceanlab- sirens of the sea open on my machine for like 8 months after @Shaleesh@hexbear.net linked it in one of these threads last year. it's a great album, I've probably listened to it 50 times since then. I think my favourite track on it is 'on a good day'. I remember being into them when I was more into the trance scene 20 years ago. thank you for linking it!

I just went back and looked at that previous thread and you commented that 'on a good day' was your favourite as well. it really kicks ass.

Ah why has this summer vacation not felt like a vacation at all? Why do I be stressing so much?

cool plant

Getting sir'd in multiple languages 《_♧__♧》

Idk what the fuck to do about my mom. I can't pretend to be ok talking to her, nor can I tell what's wrong (her bigotry). Stuck in this awkward limbo where she keeps pestering me and I keep cutting off.

She keeps asking "what's my crime? Even in a court of law the judge lays out the charges for the criminal" but in her analogy she's the executioner with a gun pointed to my head like 🙄

::: spoiler spoiler ::: spoiler sorry ::: spoiler depression, dysphoria, misery, transphobia Have felt like complete shit. Literally everything about my situation is miserable. My body is disgusting. I don't feel like the maybe 10 people I know and like, care to talk to me as much as I do them. I don't resent them or anything. Its just really sad. Everyone has their own stuff going on. I just wish they liked spending time with me as much as I like them I suppose.

The world is just cruel. I do not want to go out there and be a part of it. I don't really know what I want to do. Probably just not be here anymore, I think locking myself in an apartment or something would also suck.

Upset about sex and relationships. Mostly the lack of. But also bottom dysphoria. And general dysphoria. I don't really have hope for it. idk how ANY of that is supposed to work with me like this.

I want all of this to go away. I would like to float away. I am not getting out what I want. Life is not so great. And this is all there is. How intrinsically depressing.

It feels a bit like I stumbled across something not meant for me. Everyone else is living it up and having a great time. They are so fundamentally different from me. I am a stranger standing awkwardly at a party. Everyone else knows each other and is having a great time, and here I am. Alone, miserable, and different. Also 80% of the party hates me and actively supports my suffering.

I'm sorry for posting like this again. :::

megathread pick a color

::: spoiler cw

::: spoiler r-word cause filters

Ok but what if I'm financially dependent on them?

:::

::: spoiler cw:depression but the tone ain't too dark

Depression symptom that's been killing me extra hard is the lack of joy from food. I love food. I should love it less. But still. Loved eating it and loved cooking it.

All that is gone. Most food feels tasteless unless it's loaded to the brim with fat or chilli. Even then it's just taste sensations. Not real satisfaction.

Haven't tried out a new recipe in so long. I feel like any recipe I try out, I'll fuck up. But isn't that half the joy of cooking?

:::

::: spoiler cw

::: spoiler suicide

I lived long enough just kill me already. No, i still don't got the ovaries to do it myself. Fuck. Utterly dysphoric to the point where I don't even feel like I deserve to be a woman.

Haven't I suffered enough? Isn't this sufficient? So why can't I just die in a car accident or something? Just something taking me out beyond my control. So everyone can go "oof yeah this was a tragedy but what can we do about bad luck" and move on. That's the win-win scenario I get to die unafraid unknowingly, my brother gets to keep his innocence and my parents get their reputation intact. But it's too convenient. Look at me constantly wishing for convenient scenarios.

:::

Megathread pick a number between 1 and 145

Belgium did in USA like Luigi

Hussanon pt5 just dropped hell YEAH

::: spoiler weight

Eye-roll inducing cringe that accidentally missing out on lunch improved my mood. Like cmon. I'm still on that weight-issues grind even after all this time.

And I don't know why I've had such a deathly craving for sweets for a while now. Idk what's up with that.

:::

I gotta like lay off the web novels for a while and do some more fulfilling things cause these things are for like powering through a rough quarter not for wasting your vacation on

got a bit worried about my phone's battery life already tanking on me, no apparently for a little bit there I was just on the thing constantly

Cute plant! ❤️

::: spoiler spoiler Sad. lonely. My hair was already a bit bad before I swam in the chlorine pool. Now I have to shower and cry and get up early tomorrow. Washing my hair is going to be so bad I already know it. I hate doing it at the best of times and it is not the best it's ever been.

Being trans is such a bunch of bullshit sometimes. Most of the time.

I am worried about how my family is going to take things. Especially with me being on hrt for so long without telling them. Whatever I don't care about them. I hate my dad. If my mom wasn't spineless she'd be a good person I think. Even if I don't care about them, losing them would still be bullshit, if I was cis they'd be able to offer at least some financial support if I needed it. One of my biggest concerns right now in general is money. Always fucking money and it is genuinely because of my transness. Would have gone to college. Done something with my life. I'd be hireable.

::: spoiler dysphoria I hate how ugly I am. I really just want to be pretty and passing. Maybe another year. Maybe two. Maybe just never. Fuck. :::

neighbor saw me in a pink top and a jean maxi? skirt before stunlocking me w the name i told him when i moved in. for some reason this one is making me more nervous

::: spoiler depression discussion

Symptoms of depression:

Sick and tired of touching grass. Exhausted from social media/reading and whatever. Food feels disgusting. The idea of sex feels even more repulsive. Can't even mastrubate properly.

I just wish I could immerse myself in work to forget about it all.

"But sodium can't you just already do that? What's stopping you?"

Other than the inability to focus? Lack of any direction? How do I immerse myself when I know I'm just trying to escape? It doesn't work that way. I want ... meaningful work. But it ain't there.

"How about going to the queer meetups? Nature tours? The ones the social worker told you about?"

Don't have the emotional bandwidth to meet with new people. What, I go there and start caring about even more people's lives? Have extra people to compare myself to and know just how ugly and not passing I am?

"Can you not just take your anti-depressants?

They're there. I know. Taunting me "oh come and be plagued with headaches!" or fucking whatever.

I'll still take em. Don't worry.

:::

Some bikers just threw liquid onto my face and even though 99% chance it's water I gotta go back and wash my face.

Awake for less then two hours before thinking there is too much time in a day

Only another like 14 hours before I can go back to bed

There she is! Nice photo too

I like plants. Nice plant.

Detachment is so difficult to achieve. Even now I still want revenge. How troublesome.

But thankfully, I'm a lazy ass B. Half the time I detach because I'm simply too tired to even give af.

I want to start publishing my poetry online but am really nervous to do so.

I write in both English and French, I’m pretty much the only French speaker I know so sharing it on my Instagram where no one can understand it might be a good first step.

I thought I wasn't making progress with my workouts but after 2 months of being out of shape and negligent, the exercises I thought were easy now feel hard. So I guess I was making progress even if it was invisible.

::: spoiler meds/dysphoria/household transphobia So I finally got hrt recently but I honestly dont know if I should start. The whole anxiety of hiding them from my family is awful and honestly being here sucks. I cant really leave yet though so im kinda stuck to either hide it from my family somehow or just wait 8 zillion years until im out the house at which I might be so utterly masculine that I would feel like utter shit more so than now. I really dont know what to do at this point because honestly I feel like I should feel excited but all i feel is scared like I have no foreseeable future as me. :::

::: spoiler spoiler ::: spoiler vent ::: spoiler suicide I feel horrible. I want to kill myself. I am back to misery all the time. Life is not working out for me. No hope. I don't want to continue and do everything and live as what I am. I can't stop thinking about it today. Couldn't yesterday. Why is this happening to me. why did this happen to me.

I hate people for making this worse for me. Ideally it would still be horrible but they make it worse. I hope they suffer too. They will eventually. unfortunately so will the handful of good ones. :::

How long as astrovials been out of stock? Is this a temporary situation or do I gotta start panicking?

I cut my own hair a little bit, got it how I'm used to style it and tried to make everything even. It worked out so well that my mom complimented my hair without even noticing I had cut it

Idk how much of my troubles with transition are out of

1. Fear
2. Laziness
3. Autism
4. Tomboyism
5. Volcel ideology
6. Mental illnesses
7. Money problems
8. Anti advertisement ideology
9. Lust for sweets
10. Grass touching ideology (need clothes that can survive vigorous rounds of grass touching, grass caressing, grass fingering and grass fucking)
11. Plus size

Which is a big problem cause I can't narrow the causes of me being a loser.

::: spoiler [Random yapping about books to lighten the mood]

Since the super powerful goddess traps you in illusion love story spanning 100s of years in order to assimilate you into the hive mind, does that mean she's used [yurification] on thousands of women?

And perchance. If I were to be caught up in her illusion ... would I get to be a woman in the illusion? (Same for other tgirls). I mean I'm sure a goddess could figure something out.

Like ... I mean .... I won't get to live to a 100 so being trapped in such an illusion would actually be an improvement. Sure the simulation takes place during an era with casualty rates comparable to WW2 death camps (but for all humans) but like .... you get powerups from sex (yes this isn't a joke) and you get to travel around an apocalyptic hellscapewith your lover. Then in the end you get assimilated, which given how things are for me is honestly an improvement.

:::

Legs be killing me but I guess it's nice to try to get back into working out. Gonna slowly ramp back up into my old routine and ramp back down the sweets train.

A movie about the agony of choices not made (also immigration)

Just finished watching season 1 of Common Side Effects

10/10 highly recommend

Fresh fresh skin, red like a tomato harvested fresh from the soil colored scabs.