HELLO THIS IS THE MEGA SIGN UP POST/LIST POST

if you have a preferred week please tell me

peanutbuttercupola* (6/22 - 6/28)
Disaster_of_Passion* (6/29 - 7/5)
Eco* (7/6 - 7/12)
nemmybun* (7/13 - 7/19)
Shaleesh* (7/20 - 7/26)
SwitchyandWitchy* (7/27 - 8/2)
Busgirl* (8/3 - 8/9)
GayTuckerCarlson* (8/10 - 8/16)
SockOlm (8/17 - 8/23)

​ * after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters

Had therapy last night and think I've settled on a name to try on for a bit. So now I'm Ruby!!

ok ok i’m ripping the bandaid off. i’ve told 4 coworkers, soon to be 5, and im going to make it official soon. everyone’s been so sweet (one person started crying and said they could tell and another has been sending me makeup advice). The switching back and forth between me and the work persona has been too painful. this time next week i will be a full time girl inshallah

I'm one of the cool posters who found the trans mega before it was pinned

I came out at work! I'm "full time" now (pun intended)

The good: My immediate coworkers weren't weird about it. I still get along well with people I work with. I've gotten messages of support from people on other teams I work with sometimes. People were mostly ambivalent. And it fucking slaps not having that last vestige of my pre-transition self taking up space in my life.

::: spoiler The bad (CW: Transphobia):

It took over a month after I sent them my name change order for them to update my name in the public-facing systems. And they only found the motivation to do it then because someone outside the company sent me an email being transphobic because the name in my signature and in my email address didn't match, and I basically said that I wasn't going to send any more email until the address was changed. :::

Is asking for perky DDs and 2 inches on my hips too much to ask for???

Applied to uni with girl name, I love that there's an easy way of having a name for social purposes while I haven't had the time to change it. And it's enforced by law that my legal name be used only for documentation purposes and the social name be used for everything. Even though my family might not even realize yet, everything about me is girl now

My dad and his pastor are so old but adorable when they hang out, they were driving sunday and saw a gay pride parade with my dad explaining to him "don't worry it's just the gays doing pride" his explanation of trans people was just "some people are born in the wrong body" pastor for his credit just accepted it. Woke dad is nice I can't lie

I cut my hair and it’s.. cute? Hopefully it’s still cute tomorrow. I’ve been cutting my own hair for a long time now, but it’s a lot harder when it’s not a clipper fade!

Community lost a sister this week. Those who know me know how much of my life I've dedicated to not burying people younger than me. I really thought if I did everything right I'd never have to.

She was the sweetest angel I'd ever met, and full of so much life. 10 fucking years younger than me...

RIP little one. Your grave will always be littered with stuffies and flowers. I'll be pouring fernet out for you the rest of my life.

::: spoiler sex Holy shit that rave was incredible. It was 90+% trans people and it didn't take long to catch a cute girl's eye, dance with her, kiss her, then make our way to designated succ zone. I think we spent an hour in there but I honestly lost track of time. Along the way, a few other trans girls joined in and it was the most ecstatic experience I've had since starting transition. The space was cool as hell, too. Old warehouse next to train tracks and the dance room had an amazing setup for visualizations that blew my mildly tripping mind. :::

It's always odd seeing how some people treat diy, including T. Acting like it's some impossible to get, highly illegal substance. Or scare mongering about its danger.

Maybe I'm just more willing to do drugs then these people but like, have you ever smoked weed?? I've got a list of shit I'd be down for if opportunity presented itself. But you're going to act like T is this crazy substance? It's so important too. And like it's safe, it sterilized, it's fine. I guess I just don't understand having such a hangup about it when it's so important.

Ordered my college transcript in case I needed it for job applications. Went through the breakdown of courses, saw "Topics in Global Literature : Women Writing in First Person" and remembered towards the end of the course the professor saying to me "if I had to have a straight white guy in my class I'm glad it was you"

She didn't know

::: spoiler spoiler I knew but didn't let myself admit it :::

I went to a sapphic gathering last night and it was very nice to be surrounded by a bunch of cuties.

::: spoiler anti-woo I do have to lament the amount of woo I was subjected to, though. This woman went on and on about performing reiki on dogs being the next step in her healing/learning journey and I kind of wanted to vomit. :::

the singles all know me as a certified heartbreaker the way i routinely break my own heart and no one else's 😭😭😭

So not only is my machine learning group mate a communist, but he also just told me that my part of the report is the sexiest and basically evaporated 80% of my stress with a single sentence.

How it feels to use a Chinese/Russian website without google translate

::: spoiler in my shit, pass it by (neurotic? Processing)

Kinda wish I didn't have the whole autism+adhd -> anxiety thing going on. It sucks. Its pride month, so why do I dislike pride? Why do I look at it and feel fear and distrust? Why can't I let go of all that? I'm hyperaware of peoples perceptions of me, and unable to read people at all. So every little thing that indicates potential social correction is a crisis, and I am never at rest in a group. I'm rarely at rest on my own. I'm tired of performing.

I want to like pride. I want to know that people around me have my back. But all the same I see people and all I can feel is fear. I want to want to go. And a part of me does want to go. Instead I will spend this month avoiding queer people and pride events. I want to feel like I'm one of many, but I also want to be invisible. Dont look at me, but I want to be seen. Its selfcontradictory.

I know I self isolate. I know thats bad. But I can't bring myself to go out and meet people. I dont know what im more afraid of, people judging me, people being neutral/uncaring, or people being kind. I can't handle kindness. Someone said they would do something nice for me earlier today and I just couldn't take it and started silentsobbing. I almost hung up on them. Why does it hurt when people are nice to me? I want to be able to show up, and accept it, and not feel guilty for accepting something nice, not feel afraid of someone doing nice things for me, not feel pain when someone says they care about me...

Thanks for reading if you did, thanks for being a space where I can vent/process.

::: spoiler CW mild transphobia Whenever I notice people staring at me for being a tall stylishly dressed trans woman, instead of getting upset now I mutter under my breath (and occasionally audibly if I have company) "have these rubes never seen a transsexual?" and it makes me feel sexy and cosmopolitan. :::

"Hello beautiful ladies" - random woman passing by me and my coworker earlier

My coworker spoiled it a bit by saying "she needs to get her eyes checked" but she doesn't know my deal so I don't take it personally. She probably thinks she's being nice by reassuring me of my masculinity 🙃

I need laser so bad I'm so sick of having hair on my face

I'm getting accepted into the pharmacy course of a private university. Probably can transfer to a public one in the future. The great advantage is that it's in my city so no need to move out pay rent and cover all costs myself. My parents say they'll pay for it

I think I got a "How you doing" from a guy I walked past to get to the train? But I didn't dare look so he might've been on the phone or something? I am wearing a tighter shirt today.

Potential ewwphoria it is

"Just the man I wanted to see"

"Alright man"

"Thank you my man"

Just kill me why don't you. I could maybe bear it if not for that new girl I mentioned being in earshot. I don't want her perception of me poisoned like that...

ever have a weekend so gender affirming that going back to mr sir land makes you want to [REDACTED]

god i hate being closeted at work. the scales are tipping, i need to come out soon or ill lose my mind

On 22 November 1925, Kawashima claimed to have "...decided to cease being a woman forever." Earlier that day, Kawashima had dressed in a kimono with a traditional female hair style and took a photo among blooming cosmos to commemorate "my farewell to life as a woman." That evening, Kawashima went to a barbershop and got a crew cut, from then on dressing in men's clothes.

Kawashima explained in another article two days after the first that "I was born with what the doctors call a tendency toward the third sex, and so I cannot pursue an ordinary woman's goals in life... Since I was young I've been dying to do the things that boys do. My impossible dream is to work hard like a man for China, for Asia."

Earlier in their life, it had been remarked upon that Kawashima had "boyish habits" despite their feminine beauty. Kawashima would use only the male style of Japanese grammar, even though that contributed to Kawashima not being re-admitted to their school after the death of Kawashima's biological father.

Interesting stuff you come across on wikipedia. Puyi's cousin Yoshiko Kawashima.

ⓘ This user is suspected of being a cat. Please report any suspicious behavior.

This time I'm going to take anti-depressants seriously.

I'm not doing well. I mean that's obvious from everything but life really likes to kick you down. My phone had to break at this specific point in time when I am the most busy.

And obviously, I haven't been taking my anti-depressants at all. Which is just great.

And fuck machine learning. I fucking hate. There is nothing worse than having to spin these goddammed slot machine algorithms and hope they give you a good result in 2 hours.

It's like if Russian roulette and those call centers that make you wait had a love baby.

down with cis

We meet again tomorrow, i'm so happy that we get to cuddle again after we were seperated for so long

Took a nap but I'm still so tired. Maybe this is just second puberty stuff because I slept good last night too.

Are spaces that arent transfem dominated/led just always gonna be transmisogynistic shitholes?

And then if u try to call it out, all the TME "allies" will think ur hysterical cuz its so fucking normalized, and if u get catty/mean abt it ur the problem

Implant update day 8, I'm feeling way less elevated, like I think it's definitely working but I think the levels are evening out. I'm kind of crashing out though.

I've been so hormonal the last week. Lots of extreme happiness but I woke up early one day and cried so much too.

I really want to row, it's such a tiny cut (like a cm) but I really need to let it heal, probably wait until day 10.

I went for a walk early this morning and saw a shooting star - I wonder where it came from originally?

What if I start making my own hormones after I become a pharmacist

Love too spend 20 minutes doing makeup that looks like I've done nothing but slightly yassify my face. I was typing it sarcastically, but I actually do love it, idk what the difference is between no makeup and "no makeup" but I look cute! just have to figure out how to do eyeliner christ

If I don't get this new job I'm going to myself

Guy at work definitely kept looking at my boobs, what does this mean

::: spoiler spoiler I'm boymoding but the shirts at work are kinda thin.... :::

New girl and I complimented each other's shirts :) hers is much cooler than mine though.

I feel like the few conversations we've had ended up going longer than normal pleasantry would require. And like we'll both maybe linger a bit before parting ways? Agh I would like to lobotomize myself

::: spoiler sex I am going to an event tomorrow night where there will be hundreds of trans people dancing and there's a separate room for sucking (but not fucking), making out, cuddling, etc. This touch-starved girl bout to eat. :::

::: spoiler nsfw Yeah we read theory :::

I'm moving close to an lgbt center that sounds like it's open to go hangout at if you're an adult... I do need some casual women's clothes though because I can't show up looking like this 😭 but also it can't be anything that wild because I'm not really ready yet, in public anyway.

I had a vagina way faster in my dreams than I had boobs, wonder why 🤔

I still sometimes dont have boobs in my dreams but that internal self image adapted wayyyyy faster post bottom surgery. Maybe all the dilating?

::: spoiler queerphobia My dad doesn't talk about lgbt people much, but when he does it's usually not great. This was about the sports team that forfeit a game rather then wear a pride jursey or whatever. And he's like "all people want to do is keep politics out of sports! Some of them said they didn't even have a problem with that stuff, they just want to leave it out of sports!" :::

If you carefully look at the cloud you will see it is rainbowed!

I did not realize clouds could do this, although in hindsight it was obvious.

Wonder why I have never noticed rainbow clouds before?

Took a 400 mg on friday initially took 150 mg of it then ate the rest while high was high till Sunday broke my phone while high and just got it working! Hello TRANS MEGA!!!

Friend I'm out to but doesn't know I'm on hrt suggesting I tan topless

My dad tells me to say to my girlfriend "in this house we eat " chat and I'm trying to figure out how I break the news to her I don't wanna catch her off guard.

::: spoiler serious I get he means more in the sense of economics and staying true to culture and my values, he's not in the bean meme stuff. I think he's had experiences with past girlfriends before my mom who wanted a lot of material things more than wanting to be with him so he's prob just looking out for me. One day if I ever have money I don't think I'll abandon the crockpot/rice cooker life for fancy vegan stuff maybe just get a bigger crockpot/rice cooker or some better ingredients. :::

I am pleased to report my nipples hurt to high hell

oh wow my fav video essayist for background/sleep is trans! great day for the homos (they posted on june first im just the latest girl alive)

Back from a watchparty with some trans cuties for the finale of TADC, had a lovely evening. I mean, i also cried a lot, some stuff in there hit really close to home for most of us, but it was good to have such nice company while watching all that.

Actual picture of me waiting very patiently to pass

::: spoiler spoiler :::

I don't want to live like regretful loser with wishes and no actions.

I really wanted to do a cross country bike trip across Europe. And this summer I'm going to try no matter what. Fuck everything else. I'm going to bike.

Even if it's a nightmare to plan. I'll still fucking do it.

::: spoiler dysphoria Scream cried in my car for an hour over not being able to conceive life's good beside that though heh :::

If we make it to 40-41 (swear its not that number on purpose😭) we'll have lived knowing were a girl for longer than we lived repressed. 42 and we'll have lived longer while actively trying to transition. Think thats a good enough goal for now (ideally we'll live lots longer than that ofc, but thats at least what were trying to aim for)

Late night posting

because my fuck ass job wont schedule me hours

Thinking about starting an evil scheme; women aren't scheming enough these days.

meowing

Using the fact that my injection leaked as an excuse to drink a grapefruit seltzer

a good haircut and the curly girl method has absolutely transformed my hair. someone even stopped me in the street today to tell me it's beautiful (and tbh it's been a long time since a stranger complimented my appearance). it's literally got the same cheap hair gel a 12 year old boy would use in it. so anyway, if you think your hair is frizzy and unmanageable, try this: https://redlib.catsarch.com/r/curlyhair/wiki

::: spoiler dysphoria You know, growing tits is great.

You know what would be a whole lot better? Growing tits without having a disgusting man face looking back at me. I just wanna admire my tits but seeing my gross man face fucking ruins that. Why the fuck do I have tits and a man face. Who the fuck thought that was a good idea to do to myself. :::

::: spoiler voice training/dysphoria Its so frustrating. I was on vc with someone the other day and she was giving me an exercise to do that she thought would help, said it was very simple, couldn't figure it out. Fuck my life. Voice training is shit. And I need a passing voice more then anything. And its shit. Can't train for anything. Want to be out full time in a year and can't do even the simplest shit to fix my voice. :::

::: spoiler bottom surgery/dysphoria Having to get bottom surgery is so frustrating. I know being able to is great, medical wonder, etc etc. I still don't want to have to go through all of it. The consults, the figuring out what I can get, what I want, aftercare/healing, the whole thing seems like so much time and work.

I just wish I was born right. That I had a pussy now. Completely cis. :::

I really don't like having to transition. So much work, so much bullshit, and healthcare I need that I'm worried about even being able to get. All the shit from other people. Voice training. And all to end up imperfect anyway. All the pain, and tears, and work. To not even get where I want. To get the best of a bad situation. Fuck my life.

At least repper Eggnog had (some) good playlists. Wish she could have done a bit more though!

So, because of reasons (as in, learning that a friend of mine has gotten the hot allostatic load treatment), i looked up Mark Fisher's Exiting the Vampire Castle. It starts out ok, then segues into a full-throated defense of Russel Brand of all people after it's not even one page in

Ughhhhhhhh I'm tired and fed up with my job and I haven't heard anything about the new one and everything feels annoying. I feel like I'm one step away from losing it

UP WITH TRANS

Is anyone injecting estradiol undecylate? 15mg every 14 days is looking pretty nice for this ADHD-stricken girl and the vial (800mg) would last like two years.

I've got other photos of fireflies from yesterday but I need to develop them because my phone camera is not good with low light conditions

I wish there was stuff to do at night when I'm lonely, but alas

Let my hair get tangled again award

Go in late

Leave early

Can't wait for payday to wonder why my check is light

Considering buying an at home IPL device to get my body hair under control, is that a good idea or should I just go to professional laser/IPL for that? I generally have dark hair and pretty white skin because I don't go outside much which should help.

Yesterday night was a movie

A horror movie

Getting lost in the woods at midnight

Fucked up by poison ivy

Feeling sleepy but can't sleep

No internet

I must have walked at least 15 km (based on signs and shit)

The sky is so pretty, it always surprises me when I get out of a funk and see the outside how pretty and detailed everything is.

I'm still tired though :catgirl-flop: getting to go home early but I have more stuff to do, to clean and pack up.

Being trans sucks. The internal and body stuff, plus society. Worst shit ever. 1/10. And I could go on and on and on about either of those issues.

Recommend some trans masc youtubers and creators

Dance or die

::: spoiler spoiler Its kinda distressing that most people suck. They have bad beliefs, bad reasons for them, and do not care. They do not care about hurting us or anyone else. They are happy to believe whatever old nonsense. Happy to persecute and torment us and refuse to read anything on us, accept any "new" facts.

Humanity is not so special. What disgusting animals. :::

I need to brainstorm some posts because I need gay little responses to get through this work day

All my shit my parents can't see is stashed in my dresser. Well, it will be, have to put a few more things in there. Sooooo fucking anxious about them seeing it, either tomorrow or during the move in general. Going to have house showings soon so those people can't see it either ofc. So much of the general stuff in my room is gone already so there's way less places to put it too. I just have a massive pit in my stomach.

I love it when a fandom is just so unabashedly gay you do a double take cause they sometimes just spontaneously say shit like:

"Yeah I want to be the "girl" in a threesone between [protagonist] and [other character], I'm not going to lie"

Edit: this kind of comment is quite heteronormative tbh. You can just be gay (or trans). Positions aren't gender exclusive ...

yeah i'm on 'roids

I've refrained from life updates because I am going through a lot rn. Most supporting friends and family that's going through it as well. I'll be okay. I have a lot of supportive people in my life, but I've definitely had to take a lot on my shoulders.

Work is so depressing. What am I even supposed to do.

I really have any aspirations either. Or jobs I don't think I'd hate. What the fuck am I supposed to do for work that lets me live.

I'm still so depressed. What the fuck.

I know there's a lot of factors, but how long ish should I expect laser to take me? Brown hair, white skin, I don't think my shadow is too bad or anything. I've heard people talking about like 8-12 sessions, if I start after the move, how long is it going to take? I'd love to be able to be full time out next summer (if hrt allows 🙏) but idk what laser will have done for me in that time.

my partner got me a tamagotchi paradise for my birthday and just look at my little friend (this is a suigyutchi from the jade forest biome which i have named mellow)

taking care of him as part of my routine is doing wonders for me cause it gets me off my phone and reminds me to take care of myself too (like everytime i feed him throughout the day i drink some water).

Off, off, off with your head

Dance, dance dance til you're dead

Off, off, off with your head

Dance, dance, dance til you're dead

Off, off, off with your head

Dance, dance, dance til you're dead

Off, off, off with your head

Dance, dance, dance til you're dead

Off, off, off with your head

Dance, dance, dance til you're dead

Off, off, off with your head

Dance, dance, dance til you're dead

Recent gender moment: buying summer clothes, saw a nice looking shirt, it fit me well, and I only realised after buying it that the tag says it's "for women." So now I bought my first item of clothing that's not "for" my assigned gender at birth (AMAB), without even realising it lol. Yippee! Maybe soon I'll gain the courage to purposely do it.

::: spoiler mental health, suicide, sh Just non-stop cycling between feeling really good and happyand everything, being incredibly horny, being bored out of my mind, obsessed with a hobby, and wanting to kill myself. Like I go through all those multiple times a day. One minute I'm like thinking about how this is the best my life has ever been and things are great and only getting better for me, and the next I'm crying and the next I'm hitting myself over and over cuz it's the only way to stop the anxiety from swallowing me whole. Yesterday was one of the best days of my life, a few days ago I would have shot myself had I not gotten a friend to keep my gun for me a week before.

Being just kinda depressed all the time was easier than this. The highs are great but the lows are too low. I just want some fucking stability, idk how much longer I can take this.

I love being trans so much; and that's definitely a big part of the feeling good. But I didn't really have feelings before hrt. I was a pathetic empty soulless creature. But I don't know how to handle this. I'm so overwhelmed, I'm drowning in a sea of emotions constantly. Even if I wanted to, I can't push them down like I did when I thought I was a man.

Idk what to do :::

I have no idea how to find a job

::: spoiler suicide Might have to blow my brains out idk :::

Finally finished my 3rd long ass CN web novel

It was definitely the weakest of the 3.

I need something a little different for the next one. I've heard "release that witch" is being slandered as "communist propaganda" (I assume it advocates for women's rights). Might as well check it out :)

Edit: actually maybe I want to read some science fiction type shit. I feel I need a palette cleansener from historical fantasy.

Going to be my most anti natalist post

::: spoiler spoiler, suicide Genuinely like, how many people do there have to be who just fundamentally hate their life and the fact they were born at all before people stop having fucking kids? Like there's gotta be a threshold right, where if like 90% of the people you knew hated that they were born at all and did not enjoy existing people would fucking chill, right?

I don't enjoy being trans, there's an ever present discomfort solely because of some random bullshit not working properly in the womb. And this is far from the only case! There's lots of shit that can go wrong for a person and leave them like this. Why the fuck do people have kids and shit when they could end up being a miserable bastard like me? Like if I made another, innocent being experience this much pain I'd blow my shit right off. How fuckin gross is that right, to make little old me deal with all the pain and suffering life brings. Making me grapple with my mortality.

I guess I don't understand why people don't think about the suffering their child is/might have to go through? Why would you want kids when they could grow up to be as miserable as this.

Even perfectly normal things people deal with cause me an immense amount of suffering. I don't understand it and I don't like it. If there was even a smidgen of a chance they'd go through 10% of this I would not have a kid. I don't think an innocent being deserves this. :::

::: spoiler suicide thoughts fucked up that I had a good like month and now I'm slowly falling back into being miserable and thinking about killing myself and feeling hopeless and remembering how much life sucks. I thought that was it, I had my break and it was okay. Of course its not. I still have to transition, I still have to deal with this dogshit society, I still have to deal with the fallout of being a fuck up failure depressed loser that didn't do anything and still doesn't know how to do anything. My brain and body are still broken. Fucking society has to be shit. Fucking hate people. Hope they burn.

Back to hopelessness I guess. How fucking depressing. One more year. Always one more year. :::

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