HELLO THIS IS THE MEGA SIGN UP POST/LIST POST

if you have a preferred week please tell me

Alisu* (6/15 - 6/21)
peanutbuttercupola* (6/22 - 6/28)
Disaster_of_Passion* (6/29 - 7/5)
Eco* (7/6 - 7/12)
nemmybun* (7/13 - 7/19)
Shaleesh* (7/20 - 7/26)
SwitchyandWitchy* (7/27 - 8/2)
Busgirl* (8/3 - 8/9)
GayTuckerCarlson* (8/10 - 8/16)

​ * after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters

Honestly, demanding of trans women to assume good faith from men instead of thinly veiled transmisogynist hatred is, in itself, a form of structural transmisogyny. To request that we remain civil and polite and keep smiling in a world that wants us dead is violence.

It took two years but I have a job again. Hell yeah.

Gender self care for me has been learning about transfeminism and refusing to tolerate disrespect. I'm done being treated like I'm less than. People love to tell women to shut up, they especially love to tell trans women to shut up. Especially people who wouldn't tell other women to shut up. We all deserve better than that.

funny side effect of being trans woman: After decades of my life spent not being a girl and living in total jealously of women, I routinely cannot believe misogyny is a real thing. Like, logically I know that many people genuinely hate women, but emotionally I actually struggle to believe it's true. I can hear people say explicitly misogynist things and all I can think is "there's no way he actually thinks that, right? that's just a bold statement for attention, he can't genuinely believe that" and no matter how many times I tell myself "no they genuinely think that" I just emotionally don't believe it. Women are obviously so much better than men, right? those are just sour grapes 🙄

::: spoiler harassment from men Men who go to bars should have a bomb implanted at the base of their skulls and every non male patron given the detonator

Nothing makes my skin crawl like some gross old man fucking grabbing my shoulder while walking past

"Have a good night"

DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE :::

I'm feeling a lot better about my body. I still don't really love the overall picture but, there are a lot more features that are good then I thought/noticed.

Also took a picture last night and my tits look fucking huge.

I'm probably being dramatic but I think we should kill everyone who makes the "can't play games without a joystick" joke about trans women

https://hexbear.net/comment/7195814

well we're girlfriends now so I guess you were right @sodium_nitride@hexbear.net

I really need to stop playing incremental games, it's adhd bait. Something about the combination of numbers go up and extreme micromanaging short circuits my brain

OMG IM SO GAY AND HOMOSEXUAL LESBIAN GAY WOMEN I LOVE WOMEN GAY WOMEN

I got my Estrogen implant this morning!

So Australia is a bit odd when it comes to feminizing HRT. We have all the tablets, gels and patches that are used in menopause treatment for cis women. But we don't have easily available injections. This is because no pharmaceutical has bothered to get Therapeutic Goods approval in Australia because the market of trans women is presumably too small. So many trans femmes do DIY injections if they want them. Or they can be made by a compounding chemist (who crunches tablets and blends them into an oil suspension), but that's expensive with a poor shelf life (taking away two really good things about injections).

But our endocrinologists fucking love implants for trans women. Which is weird because implant are considered a bit niche the rest of the world. It's probably in part because we had a trans woman who was an endocrinologist in the 1980s (which is wild) who advocated them heavily. They've fallen out of vogue for Cis Women in menopause too. But this means I got a GP to put an implant in my butt today.

I have been on progynova sublingually for 15mths. Most doctors won't do an implant until you've been on a year. Ostensibly this is make sure you tolerate the estrogen, I think it's because Cis people are squeamish about less reversible forms of HRT. Because it's not easily reversible. It would need to be fished out under surgery instead of just being stopped. Which is super cool.

I got 200mg put in (2x100mg implants) which I paid about 200 Australian dollars from a compounding pharmacy. It cost 280 AUD for the GP to put it in my butt. They gave me local anaesthetic. Made a 1cm cut. Pushed them in with a device, then put a single dissolvable stitch. On the surface this is a lot of money. But with two implants I'm probably going to have high levels of estrogen for 12-18months straight! The doctor said I shouldn't check my levels for 3-6 months because I'm going to be at pregnancy levels for a little while!

Right now I'm sitting a little sorely, I kind of feel great, but it's probably also placebo.

@RION@hexbear.net girl for real you need a doctor.

BountifulEggnog's hot take of the day:

ALL trans people should be required to take a 4 week course in endocrinology specializing in sex hormones OR listen to an autist yap about the subject for 6 hours. Sick of trans people I love getting fucked over because they didn't know better.

BountifulEggnog's COLD take of the day:

::: spoiler All endos should face the wall Slightly hyperbolic :::

I have a friend who has come out to me as trans several times but he insists on just ignoring it and not doing anything about it. Any time I discuss anything serious with him he tends to stop responding or change the subject. I’m not sure there’s anything I can do and it hurts.

Absolutely fascinated by older people (like 90 or more) who are completely chill about me being trans.

And I'm like are you really this cool? Or is this just so beyond your comprehension that I'm just a tall dame with a deep voice.

I see the light rail pass by and i immediately have to think of how i could ask her what model that is and she would start infodumping in her sweet voice that i haven't heard for so long. I can't wait to see her again, feel that tight embrace that immediately grounds me every time and lets me know deep down that i'm safe, watch her lean forward like she does now every time when i cradle her beautiful face in both hands to kiss her on the forehead right above that little scar. This is why every time i see a train now, i think that this, too, is yuri.

::: spoiler Okay day 1 post implant. I was told everyone is different some people the estrogen kicks in minutes others in days to weeks.

I think I'm the former. I thought yesterday it was just placebo but no I feel like I'm like a pink glowing super Saiyan. I had so strange but not bad dreams, I'm full of energy, I'm smiling harder than I ever had, but I'm also bursting into tears. It's like when I first started HRat but X10. My breasts hurt.

It's meant to level out in a few weeks but wow. :::

Gave myself psychic damage introducing myself to a new intern at work. She gave her name and pronouns, I gave my stupid guy name and hesitated before just saying what my job is...

I like the name Ruby I think. Might try testing it out

Booked a laser consultation!

Its been a really good two months

Going to get my permit (again) today, hopefully license by the end of July if not sooner because I've got gay shit I wanna do.

By the end of summer I will be a car driving gay. I'll have a job, hit my savings goal (Although I have to buy a car so it won't last long at that number), my one year hrt anniversary will be coming up. I'll be in a good state and a city instead of bumfuck nowhere. If things work out I'll get to have two bucket list experiences I've been wanting.

god what a time. This time next year I'm hoping to be in such a good spot.

stumbled on a treasure trove of good fanfics, Trans Girl Link / Zelda. seems pretty good thus far. shame i've never actually played any of the gaymes, here's to hoping the cultural osmosis carries the day.

Am girl took 150 mg edible

Idk how to explain things to my parents especially being so to them I'm hijo still which I don't mind too much. Had a moment with my dad where he got a good look at my gf and he did the whole "hell yeah" and patting me on the back when he saw how pretty she is, my mom and sibling agree but I can't lie it did hit differently. I've told them a lot about her and they approve like I mentioned before, they like her good heart and her smarts too.

down with cis

::: spoiler spoiler happy pride ya'll! hitting 3 years next week. :::

I love dating a trans woman so much, its so awesome!!! 🥹🥹🥹

I'm reading through the Godot documentation on tweens and found the most magnificent method name of all time

Being masc presenting my mom and sibling like taking me to appointments with them, office ladies defer to me with greater respect and help us more. All to say that's some whack shit fr, my size is also useful for fending off predators because I'm a hippo you need to remember this reader 🦛

I practice gender by going out with my tits out, proud and loud

a second trans woman has been shocked at how "nice" my voice is

"I'm Verdone with this shit, I'm going home"

• some guy from WW1, probably

Does this site remove blatant transmisogyny? /srs

Shonen fans would loose their minds if the mc had this kinda arc

Mom is so worried about me having to take anti-depressants and side-effects and it being bad for me that she can't see she is the biggest reason I need them.

::: spoiler just venting cw: general lgbtphobia, sex I feel like I have to hide myself to go out like I want to, sneak around and stuff, this is awful. Can I just dress however I want to and not have to hide the fact that I'm doing so? Can you please let me be myself openly? You seem so worried about the fact that I need anti-sad pills, but are you not worried WHY I'M SAD??

I was trying to go out with people, but this might not work for now. I need to move out I think... Or try to have another talk with her It's just so exhausting having to

I wish I could just do like cis het couples and go wherever, have dates and not be afraid to be myself in public, then take someone home or go to their house and it be all ok, no questions and no need for excuses. My sister could date a guy and just be ok, why can't I date a trans woman and be ok like seriously this shit just irks me so much AAAAAAAAAAAAA :::

i love being gay

::: spoiler genitals Cis people have no curiosity whatsoever. A friend I've known for decades didn't know that estrogen makes your balls shrink and erections difficult to maintain. One of your oldest friends has been on HRT for 18 months and you never looked up its effects? My friend is lovely but that lack of curiosity boggles my mind. :::

Okay it's been a week since I was absolutely sure I got myself fired, and instead I'm getting even more responsibilities at work. I'm manifesting now. I've decided I'm not going to get in trouble, I'm the main character and the universe will listen to me.

I love stumbling into queer spaces. I joined a server for a niche jrpg series I really like and it seems like everyone there is queer in some way.

i've started to brush my hair with more uh intent. 10 strokes, then flip it all over my face dangling down and 20 strokes, then flip it to both sides of my face and brush it down. gets rid of all the loose hair and it honestly looks pretty good, have gotten compliments and it's the only thing i changed about my haircare.

done in the morning and before bed

I want to go on an adventure.

Went to an event in the city my trans femme coworker invited me to! It started out as a bigger group of trans girls but after a bit we just kinda peeled off and hung out by ourselves. Pretty much just talked, checked out some vendor stalls, got some interesting food and drink.

The event itself wasn't completely my jam but it was good to get out and socialize. Got to know my work friend a little better too

Might finally get the chance to take mushies in a few weeks. Wanted to really bad for years now. In a good head space lately too.

Why the fuck my self esteem so low?

I live in an ideal environment to transition and go on dates and make friends but I don't do any of it because I think of myself as trash.

::: spoiler content warning

::: spoiler suicide

I get genuinely suicidal from thinking about missing assignments and shit.

:::

My gf so cool she says uwu all the time even in my dreams

Oh I didn't burn that bad, its a little bit but its okay

Damn girl, why are you red!

fml. Put on sunblock 3x today too. Anyway putting aloe on all of it and planning to put sunblock on even more diligently

i love names chosen from animals, gemstone, nature, folklore / mythos, etc. Like wdym you named yourself after a seal; and its like, well look at them. 🦭 is just silly and cute

I'm taking a heels technique class (basically intro to dancing in heels) and it feels so affirming to get better at strutting my stuff

My (face) electrolysis is finally nearing the end. I still go in weekly but I'm doing full face clears in 45 mins. The hair is so sparse now that I haven't even bothered shaving for 3 weeks. It was a lot of pain to get to this point but not having to shave and feel dysphoric about it or worry about beard shadow while I'm out and about is so relieving

Thinking about trying out some more jewelry. I have one bracelet I made as part of a matching set with a friend that I wear a lot, but maybe a necklace would be cool? I'd want it to mean something though

::: spoiler sex This girl really wants to hookup, and I do too it's really exciting. She seems really great. But I am also still super nervous about it, never done anything before. Worried about feeling dysphoric or something, and expectations, and idk it's a lot. Like I obviously don't like my body, and am very unsure of what would actually be okay in real life because I haven't done it before. I think it'd be fun but I'm still really worried.

Idk if anyone has advice or anything :cheems: :::

::: spoiler sex ykno three days from "we're girlfriends" to "intense cybering" was a bit faster than i expected things to move but i guess that can just happen when besties fall in love ::: spoiler spoiler i did not know how badly i needed to hear a girl call me a good little slut :::

imagining scenarios in my head and then upsetting myself

Got 8 hours of sleep last night and like 10 the night before, why am I still tired and feel like shit though.

My little brother won't be coming over for summer. Nor will I be going to my parents house.

It's all fine. I can handle it. I can handle everything else so why not this?

::: spoiler addiction, recovery (good news!) Its been two weeks today since I've been high, which I think is pretty good. I'm cutting back big time, because I was addicted. Like, it was a good week if there was more than one day where I wasn't high.

I ran out of weed last time I smoked anyway, and the barrier of having to text my dealer, pay for weed and collect it is enough to stop me from getting more. I've weaponised my executive dysfunction.

Last time I got high, it was also the first time in two weeks, and I had a better time than I had for months. I just stopped enjoying weed and started expecting it. Having it be an occasional way to chill is so much better than having it be a lifestyle :::

Wrote up a draft for my mega already. All about Brazilian tradition festa junina and our amazing and delicious traditional food

I dont have winter depression. I have summer rage. And summer hopelessness. And summer paranoia. And fuck summer. If it gets above 25°c its too hot. Fuck you sun fuck off and die I'd rather be cold in the dark than sweaty and cancerous from your indiscriminate and unyielding photonic blasts

I don't ever have to worry about either of my parents misgendering my gf but my dad runs through of list of her name sometimes because he forgets. Lydia, Vanessa, Amanda, Risa and so on, he got it right twice today at least

Feels weird that our life is fairly precarious on one hand, but also like the best its been ever, or at least in like, 10-15 years. We have v cool new friends and sisters, new hobbies, more passion for life than ever and were starting to not hate our body too. Awawawa

People think about the "what would you tell your past self" question all wrong. Nearly everyone (who's trying to make a shit load of money) says things like buy apple, buy bitcoin. No what you need to tell them is the SELL price. If you go back and tell your old self "bitcoin 120k" you know to buy it because you know what it will sell for in the future. It's implied and not that hard to figure out that if bitcoin is going to 120k you should fuckin buy some. But if you're told to buy bitcoin in 2012 or whatever, you don't know when to sell. You could 10x your money and think you've made out like a bandit. You have to know where the top is.

This post inspired by the fact I'm going back to 2012, I'm done being an adult you all can figure it out. I'm going to be playing my dsi and pretending to be a dog not having adult conversations.

Cute dream with my partner, dreamt I picked her up over my head and spun. Sex is fine and good but this was so whimsical

I realized today that I actually do still enjoy teaching. My current job is just completely opposite to anything I find enjoyable about it. So I guess it's nice that I'm not completely ruined of this stuff

My doctor has predictably told me to cut back on my E dosage since my labs came back with it at 528pg/mL. I remember seeing some research somewhere that the 100-200pg/mL WPATH range was extremely conservative and that 300-400pg/mL is closer to ideal. Anyone know of this (I didn't save it).

::: spoiler lewd Sleep paralysis demon won't visit you no more if you enjoy it too much 😩 my freak level is three freaky :::

Gender care for me is shaving and using plenty of baby oil on my face and neck, makes me feel better and younger. I guess downing a lot of water too skin stuff is nice and if I don't make efforts towards it I get so much dead skin all over myself and it makes me feel awful.

The only thing stopping me from trying to order prog even though the kind ladies of hexbear already tried to help me is that if my feminisation speeds up more I'll really really have no way of hiding from my parents. I can't deal with that shit on top of everything I'm already dealing with.

I don't know what to do. I should not alter my transition timelines for other people. I don't feel safe but I'm probably safe (I doubt my parents will kill me). But it still leaves the problem of taking more psychic damage. I got enough of that already.

Just rotating through the grab bag of activities people have already said: hair, nails, skincare, trying to get better at makeup. I have a routine where I’ll try some shit before taking a bath, shaving, and moisturizing. It’s a really all-in-one girl vibe

More expensive but one I’ve fallen in love with recently is tattoos. Lesbians love tattoos and it’s delightfully affirming to get cute gay art on my skin

It's basic, but doing makeup and shaving my legs both make me feel more comfortable with my gender.

Two new lobe piercings above my main one: one pink and one blue opal

fucking love shaving my legs and arms

i am generally pretty tomboy/butch coded but i have gotten back into shaving my whole body lately. feels amazing. also hair care is very important to me though i still feel like it's an area i can make a bunch of progress in. got a dykey wolfy bob cut lately after having long hair for ages and I've been experimenting with some new curl products (i have a light wave like 2-3c). also got my brows done for the first time in a while, i am good at doing them myself but it's a nice treat. next on my list is booking electrolysis cause I've plateaued a while back with laser progress. daunted by going no shave for 3-5 days beforehand though. love my trans comrades!

If this cycling between crying and dissociating could stop that'd be great

If you hadn't posted by tonight I was going to make an Antipope megathread.

Working outside is soooo pretty, the sky, the water, the trees. Idk everything looks so beautiful and detailed and rich.

I know the 80/20 "rule" is complete bullshit but I really hate doing the last 20% of the work. I'm close but everything left just kinda sucks. Almost like I just did the easy stuff while I could. Its just a bunch of BS left.

Okay maybe its like 40% left.

fairly sure i've been a bit manic for the past few weeks so my impulse control is lacking and i've spent way more than i can afford

BUT.... i have a new haircut and colour (i've been cutting it myself for 8+ years because poor - this is my first professional fem cut), new glasses (i stopped wearing my old ones years ago because they were manly), a new piercing (i daren't do this one myself), i started round 2 of laser (tria isn't doing anything any more), and i've bought some new (to me) clothes (still don't have a complete fem wardrobe though)

oh and i modified my workout earlier this year to focus more on butt/thighs and it's working

i'm feeling more comfortable with myself than i have in a long time (even made a new friend!), but i feel awful about spending so much money. but idk, it's gender self-care i think?

::: spoiler venting about hating emotions, lobotomy Date idea, you take one of these:

and put it through my eye socket and cut the bit of my brain that makes me feel emotions. Then you can steal my wallet or whatever. :::

I am rehoming my very favorite snake tonight. I will still have one left who I plan on keeping. All the others are gone now. I am very sad but I hope he is better able to take care of her. She's picker. I'm just calling it now. I should have before. But hopefully she can be okay. I'm just very sad. I'll still have the one pet and that's enough. Just hard.

I've had two coworkers comment on my music at work:

Have you gone to a festival? You'd really like going to a festival (I would it's on my bucket list)

why are you listening to like changing room music

😭 What is this. Also tbf I do listen to stuff that's a lot, a lot softer then what I listen to at home. I just thought the contrast was funny.

Working from 1000 (yesterday) to 0325 (today) isn't the sad part. The really sad part is that I still failed. It's always like this. Sigh.

Most trans women do not require, or even necessarily benefit from, supraphysiological (higher than cis women) levels of estradiol!

There are a few considerations for target hormone ranges.

1. Bone density - It is good for your bones to average at least 100 pg/mL of estradiol.

2. Testosterone suppression - most preop trans women can suppress gonadal testosterone production with a sufficient dose of estradiol, no antiandrogen required. However! Most of us don't need very much estradiol to do this. It usually happens in the 100-200 pg/mL range. (For reference, the "standard dose" of 4mg EEn/week is actually a bit more than most of us require for monotherapy)

3. Feminization - this is a big question mark. We do not know exactly how much estradiol is required for the various aspects of feminization. Consider this though - cis women obviously feminize just fine at the hormone levels which are normal for them.

4. Potential downsides - supraphysiological estrogen levels can increase your risk of developing blood clots, and in the long term, can also increase the risk of breast cancer. There are also some people who suspect that very high esteogen levels can harm feminization (I don't know if this idea has real merit). I don't say any of this to scare you, just to point out there is some potential downside.

Given the above, I think it is very reasonable for trans women et al to use the target range of 100-200 pg/mL of estradiol.

And get your damn blood tested before you start messing around with weird HRT regimens!

@SuperZutsuki@hexbear.net @BountifulEggnog@hexbear.net @SerialExperimentsGay@hexbear.net

What are your gays thoughts on me upping my E from 4mg een weekly to 6mg? https://estrannai.se/#imt0__cu,4,7,2-cu,6,7,2

Someone has been suggesting this to me, that raising E levels would more closely mimic cis puberty. Which I don't hate as an approach, I'm just not sure if I need to I guess. The biggest drawback I see is using my vials faster. idk, anyone have thoughts?

8 months hrt no labs.

For those who take prog rectally, do you take 100mg or 200mg daily? I'm considering asking for more since I'm at 100mg now, but I know that the rectal route has much higher bio-availability so idk if it's even necessary.

Should I buy a plush shark? I think it's too hard to get a blahaj here, but I can buy a shark plushie

::: spoiler dysphoria I really can't understand my gender other than 'trans' and its honestly just horrible. I don't relate to cis people but neither trans women or Non-binary people. Its feels awful because I may want to go to trans events, possibly connect with others, but I just can't. I end up feeling like I stick out around other trans people (Plus the other queer cis people that are at other events I've been to). I feel like I'm in a completely different world to them, they know what they want out of transitioning but I don't, or at least can formulate something of their gender.

I've been staring at my gender for years now and while HRT has helped a lot, I can't visualise what my gender is in my head, it ends up being an empty void with not even my current self in there. Sometimes reading theory helps but it brings more questions without giving answers and only helps understand the world around me, but not understand me. :::

In other things, does anyone have advice in getting a haircut/style? I do need one but the idea of shortening my hair is uncomfortable and put me off a lot. My hair is literally my old boy haircut that I stopped getting cut about 6 years ago now, its been cut once since for split ends but that's it. I probably need to get it cut for split ends again but possibly for styling as well? I like the idea of some areas being shaved down, not to skin but somewhat close, though not sure if on the sides or the back or both.

The cookies turned out pretty good I think! I gave some to my good friend and she said she liked them. Though she did only eat half of one...

Sometimes I remember there is a 1997 Home Alone 3 with a different kid, who by himself, sick with measles chicken pox defeats a team of 4 European terrorists backed by the DPRK lead by a guy who is almost certainly ex-Stasi (or other equivalent).

In terms of gender self-care? I used to dye my hair to help feel comfortable with my gender. Having nice hair always felt good and euphoric.

Also making accessories and modifying clothes. I have a pair of trousers that I would paint kinda in a tattoo style. Would be nice to add more and wear it out much more often. Just need to make it fit me again.

Finished Manhunt! Finale was p over the top (which were not sure if thats a criticism cuz we did rly enjoy it) but bweh it made us cry anyway

3/3 for total bangers for trans horror weve read so far (Exquisite Corpse, Brainwyrms, Manhunt)

man being sick (NOT related to my gastro stuff) blows. I missed the few minutes of my therapy session and my brain was so muddled that it was hard to talk about important stuff.

My mayor is Muslim

My bagel Jewish

The Pope on my side

Knicks in Five!

(I live 1000+ miles away from NYC and have never visited)

One of the obvious eggs I watched stream a few times like last year apparently cracked at some point. Still have another who I've been waiting years for tho.

::: spoiler dating What's t4t like in your 30s? I'm in the back half of my 20s and I don't click with trans people in their early 20s. Is there less poly people in that age range? :::

I hope everyone had a wonderful first week of pride

You would think that someone who's 22 years wouldn't be larping as a sailor trynna go all "I can smell when it's going to rain" but no, these people exist.

When it starts raining without them predicting it they start saying shit like "it's not supposed to rain right now, the clouds aren't right", as if mother nature has made a mistake and should correct herself

Arranging Hookups To Host For Motivation To Clean Your Depression Nest: A Self Care Guide for Depressed Sluts by u/EstraDoll: Now in bookstores near you

at the moment my gender care is mostly making art of my fursona. just finished cross stitching a pixel sprite of it and am so happy just looking at it ^⁠_⁠^

Tomorrow the strategy is just to do my best be ready for set backs and breathe, I've got some good luck/vibes if I need to dip into them I will as I do my best to navigate the American healthcare system

got myself a ninja creami, as a treat, and it's actually really good at making protein drinks into ice cream. Like shockingly excellent. now i just gotta start baking muffins cause i have like three bags of unflavoured protein powder that i definitely won't be drinking anymore.

::: spoiler cw: doctors, depression, mentions of suicidal ideation also had a visit at a GP to get my referral for the psychiatric side of the public health care. trying to make myself less depressed and suicidal so i can get the bottom surgery, i guess. :::

Fed up with both my jobs. Hate both. Trying to lock in for the last like month or two so I can save more but fuck.

Also when I move I'm probably going to be making like 35k, no idea how to do dick with that. Is that even enough to be independent? I feel like damn near everyone is living with a partner, two incomes, still barely making it.

Also thinking about structural transphobia at work, fml. Why the fuck did u have to be born into this. In such a bad place rn.

Speaking of the move we've got multiple people interested in the house, doing showings next week.

No I'm not crying watching the Northernlion Road to Empress 2 playthrough

It's not happening

MY MAYOR IS MUSLIM

MY BAGEL IS JEWISH

THE POPES ON MY SIDE

KNICKS WON IN 5

My friends and I watched Twilight and tbh it was pretty fun. Guess we're watching them all now

grok, update my pronouns

Kill object oriented programming

::: spoiler mental health, depression, SI The heat and humidity have been really getting to me. The AC in our apartment is pretty useless, and since we're moving out soon the landlord has no issues in making any improvements until we move out. I can tolerate it in the morning, but once it gets to the afternoon I have been suffering depressive symptoms, unable to enjoy much and experiencing intrusive SI. I need to figure out a way to get out of the apartment and find somewhere with decent AC that we can hang out in, but I feel really self-conscious and potentially dysphoric if I linger in a place without dressing up and applying makeup, which I can't really justify with the heat. I'll figure something out. Just can't wait for the move. :::

On a happier note, my partner and I have been watching Columbo after listening to the Be Gay Solve Crimes episode on the show during a recent car trip. We are enjoying it immensely.

God I just hate work lately. Fuck this place.

The feeling of having to shave my fucking legs again

Disgusting

Because of the economic situation your 20's are now between the ages of 25-35

Up with trans!

::: spoiler negativity, dysphoria, transphobia I hate being trans. I hate this experience. I hate society. I hate all the things I have to do. I hate the healthcare I need to hopefully feel normal in my body. I HATE SOCIETY. ALL OF THEM FUCKERS. I hate everything being wrong. I hate all the things being trans robbed me of. I hate the depression it gave me. I hate this being it. I hate cis people. I hate how they view us. I hate how even simple things get distorted and trampled on.

I feel very deflated. I could give up and die right now.

Why did I even feel so good lately. I didn't understand it at the time and I still don't. :::

I have everything I need to fix this laptop but the will to do it

I got sun burnt as hell yesterday, but at least I have a little bikini burn line and it feels very gender

For a brief moment today I felt like I was actually useful. It turns out I had made a mistake. But not before letting everybody know about my great result (which was incorrectly generated).

Now I face the choice of telling the truth and facing consequences, or trying to fix the mistake and actually get good results before anyone notices.

If I can't, I'll tell them. But it's just ... I'd have liked to have at least one W.

I don't got enough stories about grass touching I can tell. Even though go outside and literally touch grass for hours everyday! It doesn't count because it is not a social or productive activity. It is just a distraction and cheap/easy endorphins.

Gonna try to bake again tonight—Chewy Earl Grey Sugar Cookies

NYT Cooking staff will be spared in the coming revolution if they turn out well

::: spoiler si This is the worst I have felt in like a month. My passive si is back. Fuck me. :::

::: spoiler Ok so. My brain. It hates me. (Cw halfvent about anxiety)

There is no reason for me to be disliked by some people I recently met at work. But. I am certain that I am despised. Why? No fucking clue. Its not rational. I can see that its not rational. But knowing that doesn't make things somehow better... I can see the things I'm doing wrong and I feel powerless to change them. How do you modify your emotional reactions? How do you stop assuming people hate you? I can see that I'm incorrect, explicitly incorrect. But I cant figure out how to get that sight internalized into my emotional reality. I end up certain that I am alienating others, certain that I am behaving strangely and that they dislike me. The fantasies of getting hurt by others keep growing. I can see that its all incorrect, but I dont know how to stop it from happening, the thoughts are automatic and they dont make sense. I dont even recognize what's happening most of the time. I would like my brain to be kinder to me please. And every attempt to address it by anyone external results in fear and withdrawal, which only makes those thoughts all the stronger.

:::

I was thinking of making one of my plushies my therapist but at this point they're all like my kids and I'd need a new possibly older plushies to do that. I'll figure something out maybe I'll make something or repurpose something to talk to.

I interacted with 3 strangers yesterday and was gendered correctly by each of them! I wasn't even dressed femme, just a t-shirt and jeans. I was feeling like utter shit yesterday mentally and that stopped me from sharing, but I didn't want this positivity to just die in my sea of depression. I also really hope the injection I did a little while ago helps with that.

Ok so I need to calm tf down and analyse rationally. I overestimated myself. I should have just stuck to learning physics shit (aka my actual subject) and never gotten involved with master's level machine learning.

It's not my field, expertise or passion. I can't be the master of everything (pun intended)!

Mina the Hollower is so good. I’m obsessed. I haven’t played a game this engrossing in a long time.