HELLO THIS IS THE MEGA SIGN UP POST/LIST POST

if you have a preferred week please tell me

Shaleesh* (5/25 - 5/31)
GayTuckerCarlson* (6/1 - 6/7)
SwitchyandWitchy* (6/8 - 6/14)
Alisu* (6/15 - 6/21)
peanutbuttercupola* (6/22 - 6/28)
Disaster_of_Passion* (6/29 - 7/5)
Eco* (7/6 - 7/12)

​ * after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters

got ffs

head hurt

goodnight

Summertime seasonal depression

::: spoiler bullshit from cishet guys Why do some cishet guys feel so entitled to justifications of my sexuality? I present somewhat fruity, so like half of the ones I meet eventually ask me if I'm gay in an inflammatory tone. They are of course never satisfied when I say that I just like people and will always push and push either inmediately or in the next few days. Are you unable to read body language and figure out that I'm not okay with talking about that to you? I know the entire world is made for you so you can go around making people uncomfortable with no consequences but at some point your introspection has got to kick in. :::

Tragic: the most amazing girls in the world think theyre unlovable burdens on everyone

I think my dad hasn't really processed my being trans because I'm a lesbian, like he'd be mad if I dated men but because I'm interested in women I'm normal in his head.

Excited to see how he responds if and when I date another trans woman.

I've decided:

1. Am just gonna start girlmodding to uni. My jacket of protection is so run down I can't defend it anymore. Shit is literally RIPPING APART AT THE SEAMS. Not to mention the sweltering heat which I just can't stand
2. If anyone has a problem with me at uni fuck them.
3. If anyone asks questions, "I was always a girl you just didn't notice, and I thought it was funny to let you think otherwise"

This is a big step for me cause I'm going from "never girlmodes" to basically coming out permanently. Please hold me to this descision and don't let me change my mind.

::: spoiler suicide mention (technically I guess)

Although the summer season is the reason I am doing this, atp, fuck it. I can't take being in the closet anymore. Shit be so bad I CAN'T FOCUS ON MY LECTURES CAUSE I'M CONSTANTLY THINKING ABOUT OFFING MYSELF. Fucking christ.

:::

Feeling both proud and lucky that I've been able to make emotionally supportive friends I can go to when I'm struggling. Never really had that before.

Been feeling better the last couple of days, lunch with my lesbian friend was super nice, never had plantains before and holy shit they were good. Kinda expensive but good. Then we went and picked up a mattress lol.

I've still got a few more things I want to pack up, we aren't doing it all at once or anything but I'd like to get as much moved as possible.

Also need to shave everything sooooo bad it looks terrible, worst it's been since I started :/ disappointing tbh, just a really rough few weeks..

Ah shit I fucked around with huge highs of making massive life decisions and now I've found out by crashing hard right now.

A cis person is surprised I haven't been on hormones longer

A trans person is surprised I haven't been on hormones longer

I hate being poor. Getting a new wardrobe is expensive... I should try thrifting

Slow trans news day huh.

::: spoiler CW parental trauma My dad took my gentle pushback badly and went defensive civility lib.

I finally told my dad he was the primary source of all my childhood trauma and every time he reaches out I'm re-traumatised, I don't want him to contact me, unless I contact him and I'm done pretending to get along, he can do some work or never talk to me again.

I feel phenomenal. :::

Watching death note for the first time

::: spoiler death note. CW for mistreatment of women

Light is such a fucking piece of shit. Breaks my heart seeing how he is manipulating Misa, and how willingly Misa is letting herself get used 😔

L is no hero either. Im at the scene where Misa is arrested for suspicion of being of the second Kira. The Hannibal lecter setup they have Misa in is fucking evil and torturous.

They are giving her PTSD flashbacks to her previous stalker kidnapping attempt

:::

Our visit was really nice :) might have had it built up in my head a bit much, but we had a good time and it's good seeing someone so unapologetically herself.

Forget she's a few years older then me, and very millennial coded lol.

::: spoiler cw horny it's been confirmed. working out definitely makes me more horny :::

::: spoiler I'm getting really close to just completely cutting my father out of my life (CW transphobia, racism, parental trauma, mention of SA) He asked me how I was going and I said sincerely that I was actually feeling really bad. That hearing that the premier of the state I live in say I should go to a men's prison if I commit a crime, had caused me to have nightmares about being SA-d to death in prison (true nightmare I had).

And no sympathy, no "that's awful", he just said "oh well he has to say that to win over Muslim voters in the western suburbs of Sydney". I'm done with this man. :::

i did a bunch of job interviews these days and everyone gendered me correctly until i introduced myself btw i havent started hrt so im also bewildered i think thats the word

down with cis

Just throwing on a short skirt on top of whatever shit we were wearing still gives up a surprisingly good mood boost, esp w how low effort that is to do

Logged into my old notes app to see if I could find the name of a DND character I created for a friend's campaign in high school

Instead I found the details of some of the conversations I'd had with my mom about my gender and WOW they were much worse than I remember... choice selections:

• I mentioned wanting to start hormones, which she was immediately unreceptive to. She proceeded to grill me on what I hoped to gain from it.

• Ultimately she said she didn't approve of me going on HRT without much intensive therapy beforehand, while recognizing that I can do what I want as an adult. Seemed unfazed by my plans to talk to medical professionals and listen to their advice.

Later...

• She said she wouldn't be able to handle watching me undergo HRT while living with me.

• She repeatedly stated she knew deep down there must be some other problem, that I am her son and that HRT wouldn't fix anything.

Thinking about something my mom said earlier and crying. We were doing maintenance on the fish tank and the conversation went something like this

We were talking about fruit and my mom mentioned me being really picky about it. I joked about having high standards for it (its because of the tism I'd guess but whatever). My dad says something about me not having high standards for the fish tank. Because it looks like shit, has looked like shit, I've been fucking depressed and have barely been taking care of anything. My dad does not see this. Anyway I joke that its half his fish tank too because idk what else to say.

Anyway then my mom says they got it mostly so my life would have some kind of meaning or purpose (I was extremely, extremely depressed at that point years ago). Im crying so hard rn. She's so right. My life has had no meaning or purpose and I've known it. The fish tank has been fantastic for me. I love fish so much. I've struggled a lot to take care of it, I mean obviously look at me. But I've been so excited about it over these years, getting fish, all of it.

I wish I had a better life and wasn't FUCKING CRIPPLED by my mental issues.

if I keep talking its just going to be about suicide so I'm going to go try and distract myself. Fuck I hate emotions and crying. Just please I need life to be alright

Silly comic I found (might cause voice dysphoria):

::: spoiler spoiler

:::

Peanutbutter in name

Didn't make a peanut butter thread

iwtv (movie for me, and then the show) really did a lot of work on me.

going through life as an amab

when a man takes hrt (talking about E)

Why are you saying it like this

Also cis people discouraging people from taking hrt and talking about how a trans woman is "putting people in boxes" for suggesting a dysphoric person try hrt is disgusting DOWN WITH THE CIS

Ngl while my breasts are really small they do have a nice shape.

::: spoiler misgendering it's like wild that my mom can somehow manage to use the wrong pronoun when it's just me and her talking. it's only the two of us and you're talking directly at me you like don't even have to use a third-person pronoun or gendered language here at all how are you fucking this up let alone after two years :::

Feels like I have less words to interact with the world lately. I'll need quite a bit soon when I job hunt and prep to move, so hopefully that changes when I need the energy.

It's mostly due to people trying to get back into my life again, which always throws me off. I don't consider them to be f*mily, but they can't accept that. Funny how people spend years burning a bridge over and over until you finally escape, then they wonder why you won't talk to them.

I'll be getting a new number soon, so looking forward to that.

My fwb is sad so I'm sad

After establishing boundaries with dad, amicably resolving my relationship with my ex and transing my gender all in the last year and a half.

I feel so lighter, there doesn't seem to be any bigger monsters (except society) on the horizon.

Like head empty and queen of the highway for the first time in 30 years?

I can't come out to my bi fujo cousin who doesn't know I'm queer because she has no discretion and I won't come out to my straight fujo cousin who suspects I'm queer because she keeps saying increasingly funnier things to hint she's cool with it and I want to see how far she'll go

I feel so lighter, there doesn't seem to be any bigger monsters (except society) on the horizon.

Oof forgot about the unmedicated ADHD

"I'm a trans girl trying to style my hair. What should I....."

Bras coming tomorrow! Hopefully they fit well. I wanna wear a dress to my friend's baby shower on Sunday and having a non-sports bra to wear would prob help the look.

Also gonna try going shopping again for a dress I like better. The one I wore to my friend's birthday party (and threw up on) is probably too small honestly... sleeves don't sit the way they do on the models and way too much of my chest and back are exposed

Boobs have become very fun to play with recently. It doesn't even feel sexual. Just euphoric and fidgety

Injection done, no leaking today, no pain, all perfect. This week will be good.

::: spoiler Dysphoria and regret, somber It's so difficult to appreciate my body since I had surgery before. I have to be so careful how I look at myself and make sure I'm not seeing that thing on me. It sucks cause, I'm at a point where I like most of my body. HRT did it's job and I'm feeling good about my figure, but this thing makes me want to cover up and hide. Hard to accept that I'm probably losing a decade to this. Why couldn't I have been more bold? I said no that morning, I should have trusted myself.

I've read that people who had vaginoplasty eventually get past that phantom limb feeling. I'm glad I've been able to cling onto that feeling. It's probably the only thing that kept me going on the worst days.

It's one of those worst days :/ :::

::: spoiler tuckin Ok I get tucking now. Even my faux tight panties tuck is doing the work and I can’t describe the feeling of not having my shit pressing against fucking EVERYTHING. Yes it’s a bit uncomfortable but I just keep checking to see if it’s real, it’s really goddamn nice to not feel so Male. Another point on the side of bottom surgery, I could get used to this :::

i'm still waiting to reach the level of veganism where i can subsist solely off of photosynthesis. currently im still in the rock and stone munching level

My name is Ceres. I'm an poster in the Hexbear Fleet. Whatever else I am, whatever else it means, that's the woman I want to be. And if I die today, that's the woman I'll be.

::: spoiler spoiler nothing dramatic happening just had the quote stuck in my head :::

Sucks having a crush on a guy knowing full well that:

1. I'm either scared of guys or lesbian
2. He isn't into trans women
3. I'm not ready for a relationship
4. We live far apart
5. He's german
6. If we somehow got together it'd be another thing to hide from my parents

So I'm going to spend the rest of my time just bottling this feeling up and storing it in a dark cool area. Don't want it to heat up and explode

I need fantasy books that go all out on magic technology.

Like why are mfs fighting with swords and staffs? Where's my drone swarms? Magic artillery/ICMBs? Assassinations by telephoning poison into your enemy's wine? Automated magic artifact production factories?

Why is a world with magic got miners using pickaxes? Where's my magic smart tablets inscribed with speed casting runes? What about huge alchemical processing facilities that pump gigatonnes of philosopher's stone fluid into the wizard economy?

I know there's probably some books like that (I've even read one but won't recomend the series cause it got wierd in that horny middle aged Japanese writer way if you know what I mean).

transitioning (heh) my monthly plushy budget to a monthly knife budget. I have way too many plushies at this point,,,

,,, I have way too many knives, too, but they're like easier to store so whatever

::: spoiler CW reddit transphobia debate bros I dipped back into reddit recently with some of the Australian trans stuff and it was a bad idea for my mental health, I've logged myself out on all my screens.

But it's fascinating how poorly convincing the trolls were. I'd say something like "oh are you a woman?" or "this is why women are afraid of YOU", and I got like 5 or 6 replies, saying "oh I actually am a woman", and by the time I'd get to them they'd already have deleted as if they knew even with hidden comments it wouldn't bare up under mod or admin scrutiny.

And another time I said I'd spent a lot of time reflecting on my lesbian identity. And someone said "Lesbians don't have to reflect on their identity, they are just women who are attracted to women" and I was like "honey you've never met a lesbian in your life? They're all reflecting on their lesbian identities, as ex-straight or bisexual or late in life or whatever" :::

::: spoiler r*ddit ::: spoiler voice dysphoria, suicide Reddits automod is so dogshit. Banned me for saying voice dysphoria and hrt not helping it makes me want to kill myself. FOR THREATS OF VIOLENCE. What the fuck? How am I threatening violence, and not just passively complaining about how shit voice stuff is? But no apparently I'm fucking banned. But people can advocate for our social murder all day long. And honestly reddit might be one of the less shit social medias. Scroll through fucking Instagram or X the everything app. :::

Split between dying of isolation and loneliness and being terrified of meeting new people at a weekly trans hangout. Why is my brain like this

I wish I liked people enough to want to do something about this annoyingly distracting and unusual level of horny I've been suffering from the last few weeks. The suffering is still preferable to meeting new people tho

Forced to girlmode because my boobs are just too damn fine to stay hidden behind a stuffy jacket in this sweltering summer heat.

No matter what happens I'll fulfill my obligations to my parents. Even if they half stab me to death tommorow, I'll show up when they're old to take care of them and send them off when they die.

That's because anyone who has me in their life is fucking blessed. I'm God's gift to you, asshole. So treat me with respect and stop body shaming me. Stop telling me my hair is ugly. Stop being a transphobic piece of shit to your own fucking daughter. If I tell you that's how it is, THAT'S HOW IT'S GONNA BE.

I love cuddling so much. The way it just melts the stress away and replaces it with comfort and happiness and safety, I need it.

YO I've had such a nice day today

• went to my friend's baby shower. it was pretty cool! very queer (both parents of the baby in question are trans) so it wasn't too scary to wear my dress. played pool for the first time (I lost) and chatted with the folks I know there. god it was so nice, I was funny and they were funny and I found out we all watch the same show (invincible)!!!!
• stopped by some antique & quirky stores with my friend and their gf. in one of them there was this lady with her dog who said "look out, here comes the girls!" when we entered :)))) and then at another one someone said I was giving Beverly Marsh vibes!! and I vaguely knew what she was getting at but then she pulled up a picture and god I remembered I was SO jealous of looks her as a teen when IT came out. I didn't really know it at the time of course, I just felt this weird longing and assumed I had a crush or whatever
• I found a cute set of tile trivets I'm gonna use as coasters in my apartment, and it'll remind me of this nice day I had with friends
• on the way back home my friend's gf said I have very nicely shaped eyes and eyesockets for putting eyeshadow on!!

Gosh what a day!!! I am very tired now though... I was supposed to prep for my interview on tuesday but might push that to tomorrow afternoon

I love ❤️ pills!

And pills love me!

We're a happy family!

Wishing I could wear girl clothes more often, lot of times it's a dress... I still don't know if I'd actually be happy with how I look in one but I think the possibility is getting better.

I'm imagining something a bit like this, I haven't been shopping but just kind of imagining

Blue, covering my shoulders, maybe a bit longer...

Hoping I did good at that interview, I really wanna roll up to my first day of work going "well well well" as I install da pumps

death note is good

Been taking methyl B for a week and been very conscious of my mental state. Other then the one really bad low I have been feeling much better. Even when I've been posting about stuff that bothers or upsets me it's been much better then before. Not sure how much is the vitamin, or just doing better in general now, or hrt or whatever but thought I'd follow up. I definitely remember having an awful two weeks at some point in the recent past so I do feel an improvement over then. But obviously we'll see if this continues.

I'm starting to think I really like birds

they're just cool and pretty and stuff

As of the time of posting, photosynthesis beat peanut butter eleven votes to seven, so here you go.

Seeing my cousin tonight!

Misgengering myself even in situations where it's unnecessary (aka talking to a trans girl volunteer while signing up to donate to charity). I'm a total fucking moron, idiot and all around loser.

Weird that there are funny little trans people in my phone who talk to me

How'd that end up happening. Never would I have thought

Ooh I'm not feeling great about an ALP premier (labor state governor) caving to transphobia at zero pressure....

We wanna get a cane, any tips for what we should know getting one?+what do yall like to put as decorations if u do

::: spoiler CW discussions of NSFW euphemistic language for genitals and Transphobia. I really hate that cis crossdressers/sissys/porn fetish type stuff uses the term "clitty" for a penis. It's super gross and rooted in the objectification of trans women.

(I know some trans woman use it and it's fine to reclaim etc)

But also calling a penis that has been feminised by estrogen a clitoris is accurate biologically/embryologicly, while also cool and based.

I'm probably going to start using that to describe it before bottom surgery anyway. But annoying to consider that other stuff. :::

Things I still want to do for my transition that I can't

1. Ear piercings
2. Laser or electrolysis
3. SRS
4. Tattoos (probably black and white carp swimming in circles on my back)

You will notice it's all physical stuff, BECAUSE MY PARENTS WOULD KILL ME IF THEY SAW TS.

Lord almighty, all I want from you oh author is to be respectful in portraying this GNC or trans character you just introduced. Please don't fuck this up

When I'm feeling unsure about what labels apply to me, I can always count on trans and lesbian.

Especially after a night like that.

What should I carry for self defense? Is mace the best option? Ever since that girl in Seattle the other week I've realized I should probably take safety more seriously. Sure, I'm tall with a larger frame, but assuredly weaker than I used to be and the neighborhood I work in can be kinda sketch

::: spoiler Underwear shopping + dysphoria Buying panties feels pretty dysphoric to me. I wanted to get one of those tucking ones, but that feels so weird to me, it feels like they will look kind of ridiculous, and they're all so boring too, there are almost no choices. Plus there's the fact that it feels super fetishizing in a way? Like a lot of them are thongs, or otherwise absurdly revealing, not in a sexy lingerie kind of way, but in a "LOOK AT MY ASS I'M ONLY WEARING A LITTLE PIECE OF STRING" kinda way .

I got some regular boxer style panties, they're comfy and look fine, there is a lot of extra fabric, so everything fits in and nothing escapes, I love it for day to day, does not make me feel dysphoric when using them as opposed to men's underwear, those bother me a lot and I've stopped wearing them.

The main thing is, I like cute lingerie and I want some, but also it feels super weird shopping for something that doesn't take into account what parts I have, I just see all those cute panties and want to wear them, but then I get a little depressed because it feels like it just will not work for me...

I tried tucking with tape before, but it feels really weird and I don't like it, maybe I got the wrong kind of tape for it, idk, I'll have to try another way.

How can a girl find some sexy underwear, with lace and stuff, that does not feel like she's the object of a fetish and is made for her body? :::

I'm so fucking tired right now. Thank god someone took my second shift so I'm only working a single today.

I'm thinking out loud about possible name change options.

1. Take the feminine form of my first name. Boring. Flies under the radar. But I don't like the feminine form's sound.

2. Modify option 1 a little to make the sound better. The meaning is completely different (cause it's a whole ass different word). The advantage is that the connection to my original name (in terms of sound) is still there so it's not too big a jump.

3. Use a completely different feminine hindi name that's common. I had my eyes of ritisha for a whole but that's because I knew someone who was named that which is the actual reason. It feels wierd to adopt another person's name, even though literally no Indian would think twice about my name or think I stole or something. Shit is as generic as "alice".

4. Use "saraswati". Not super common, but still not wierd. It means "Goddess of wisdom/education" so it's meaningful to me (the name mean is actually somewhat related the one I was born with, so that's a bonus). But naming myself after a godess might be a little concieted hehe. Not to mention it does feel a bit old timey (a little like "Esther").

5. Use an English name. This one is a funny option and feels cringe. I'd probably go with jasmine.

6. Go with a title. This one is funny again, I'd never be taken seriously by people.

Damn I'm kinda stacked these days huh??

Too horny to think properly

Too depressed to pursue a relationship

Just restless enough to go on another walk through the woods

I slept 12 hrs straight for the first time in years. Oof I've had some weeks. But I do feel better. The path is clearer, but there's still work to do. But slowly and safely.

::: spoiler family and not having one I wish more than anything to have had accepting parents. Why the fuck did I get so unlucky as to have gotten the worst parents fucking ever? I just want to be loved the way they told me they did when I was younger. I want to be able to talk to them and get advice and get hugs from them and tell them I love them and for them to tell me back. I want more than what I got and I'm never going to have it. I want them to care about me. I want to be loved. I wish I could talk to either of them without wanting to throw them out a window. They told me they'd love me no matter what I did and then I was trans and none of that mattered. I didn't even do anything wrong and I'm basically dead to both of them. I'm just being myself and they don't even care to get to know me. I was a hollow shell of a person and now i feel like me and they don't give a flying fuck. They don't care about me and I wish more than anything that just ONE of them did. :::

This watch... doesnt tell time... it makes time tell you... roll for initiative

::: spoiler relationship (kinda, but not really, not yet) drama, sex mention Ok, basically I met this girl on a dating app. We met, had great sex, she was lovely and very understanding. We've been talking everyday for 2 and a half weeks.

Yesterday I learned that she broke up with her girlfriend a little over a month ago, she answered me in DAYS.

I think I fucked up. This girl is clearly not ready for anything yet. She absolutely loved being with me two weeks ago, but now she's a little bit cold and distant. She's been saying that it's because of the break up and she wants to be alone. She's still cute snd treats me well if I start on a topic. But she doesn't want to spend time together for now (I obviously respect that).

On the other hand, I got horny and I am convinced I'm hot. I went back to the dating apps but it's so much work to talk to people, and most of them are not really that interesting to me. Well, none of my matches are anyway. Now I'm horny and back on not getting any sex. I was alright before but this girl made me feel so horny omg :::

Our recent love letters 💌 pretty similarly hit the same beats and themes independently. Like she wrote hers sent it and then I wrote mine before hers came in and it was so synced up it was great chemistry so on point fr

::: spoiler sex Fucked my gf while her other gf and my other gf watched. Trans polyamory is so cool :::

Anyone have tips on buying a bra? How do I measure this stuff?

::: spoiler spoiler It's soooo weird that I have breasts now :::

I never knew I needed a life hack for controlling my urge to bite people until I saw a video giving advice.

But the advice is non-vegetarian

Light losing his mind wondering why the death note isn't working and it's a trans person who's changed names for the 3rd time this month

I was walking with a friend yesterday and some asshole decided it was important to tell us how tall I look next to her

Photosynthesis mega let's gooooo

How do we not have more plant emojis?

they announced skitarii as the next character class in darktide and I'm just like, effervescent? I'm like the carbonation bubbles when you pour a soda, how am I supposed to wait a month that's so long!!

I kinda want to share my troubles with my little brother, but it could affect his mental wellbeing and his relationship with my parents. It feels like the responsible thing to do is just bottle it all up. After all, I am the only one who has to suffer. Everyone else's suffering is optional. Might as well minimise it.

Is bearsite kill?

I need more friends who are just down to hang out and just go wander around together at night. My closest IRL friends are so busy I'd have to plan weeks in advance, or live too far away for anything spontaneous.

I finally started the process of changing my name legally after 8 years and I already regret it

My first name was given to me. It was my dad's middle name and I never liked it. I'm not a man and I'm nothing to do with him.

My second was a fem name which I chose myself. I loved it at the time, but it became evident that I wasn't a woman either. I had the name for 3 years. I kind of miss it, but it's not me.

My third was a unisex name based on my original name. I couldn't really explain why I chose it, like it's objectively bad and there's at least one absolute demon of a "person" with that name. There was a much better unisex name that I really liked but I felt like I didn't deserve because I was extremely fucking depressed. But idk, i settled on the shit one and became accustomed to it.

The fash shit continues to get worse and I'm finally (7 year withing list) getting somewhere with the gender clinic so i decided to get my deed polls done and reapply for my driving licence while I still can. I hadn't really given my name much thought in a few years, so I just autopiloted everything with the shit name, since that's the one I've had for the last 5 years.

Within 2 weeks, I've been reminded multiple times of the demon with whom I share a name. My fucking dad decides to get in touch. The EHRC shit dropped, which is truly fucking horrible. Then I've interacted with two people who have the name that I actually wanted and it's all just made me spiral.

So fuck it. I'm having the good name. When my driving licence comes back, I'll have to immediately reapply with another deed poll for shit -> good name. Then everywhere else will need a different deed poll for dead -> good name. It'll be a bit annoying, but it'll be worth it because I am actually allowed to be happy and have nice things.

VERY fun interaction at the clothing store, cashier and I clocked each other pretty immediately (easier for her since I was buying like 3 dresses). Mentioned I was going to a baby shower and she asked "yours or someone else's?" which, like, come on I know that she knows I can't do that but I was like "a friend's... but thank you :)"

She mentioned having been to one before for family that's she's now estranged from, we chatted a little bit more and I said something dumb that made her laugh really hard before we said goodnight

It was meet someone in the wild and have that kind of secret handshake where we both know the other is a "safe person". I hope I see her again the next time I go shopping there :)

::: spoiler horrifying personal care mold My douche had mold 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 ew ew ew ew ew

Thats really annoying because I followed all care instructions with it, it doesnt stay somewhere humid or moist except for the brief moments its in use in the bathroom, and it gets air dried out after use. Now I gotta wonder wtf how long has that been happening. I know some gynes say dont even bother douching but the surgical team said to continue to douche indefinitely, so Ive been following them for the past 4 months.

Anyway, everything is healed and safe and other than the sheer grossness... nothing seems irritated or bad or unhealthy so. I guess no harm no foul but omg mold why ew. I guess Ill write a message to the team and ask whats up and see if I need a new one :::

Think I might inject 6mg tonight so I don't have to bring any of my shit with me on our trip

I hate trying to start a convo with someone and it immediately goes no where... idk if its my bad for what I said or if they just don't want to talk, either way it feels bad and I don't like it.

Self esteem so bad that if a dommy mommy insulted me as part of her play I'd take it to heart and cry.

But then again that's the fun part

If I get a decent paying job in the future I think I'm gonna get a tattoo. Every time I catch a glimpse of my nails I become happy seeing color on them. The same happened with my hair when I had it dyed. I think the same will be true with color on my skin.

Uhh crassulacean acid metabolism photosynthesis? Yeah I hope it does

::: spoiler spoiler I made an account on ig to post thirst traps at my hot friends. Hoping to catch a few :::

I've been told that I'm down bad by a guy I barely know

This is what you end up behaving like when you don't talk enough to people 🙄

(Don't worry, it was all fun and games)

Went to a mall with my friend, girlmoding. I was a little paranoid about people staring at me again but it was okay. It was nice to go out wearing a skirt. I bought some sweets on a Japanese store and also went make-up shopping, a foundation and powder (really expensive omg).

My parents weren't home when I left, so I went out wearing my skirt. But they were home when I got here.

OK, that's a problem, but I was prepared! I put some shorts on my purse, and then I wore the shorts over my skirt, rolled down my thigh highs, so they were less noticeable then hid my purse in the shopping bags. Went straight to my bedroom, they didn't even see me, and I changed outfits and stored everything. I'm so stealthy.

Anyways, I'm probably coming out in like a couple days anyway, so I'm doing risky stuff and IDC.

::: spoiler dysphoria I forget about my stupid fucking ADAM'S APPLE and it's fine but then I remember and FUCK I hate that shit.

DHT is fucking evil. I just hope and pray my hairline isn't too fucked. I think it's a little fucked but could be worse. But my god the vocal chord shit. And it's gotta be visible too. Disgusting. :::

Anti aliasing makes games look so much better, emulating DK country returns right now and played through a few worlds without AA and now turning it on, it looks sooo much better. Better then a resolution bump.

Game holds up really well imo

Just got an automated permaban on for sarcastically using the word "asiatics" lmao

Meanwhile, the entire site is full of genuine racist freaks who never get slapped

God I love the internet lol

Bad day? Turns out a hand written letter 💌 by my gf cheered me up. Don't think I'm ever gonna not break down in tears when I read these 🥹

Why the fuck is everyone being racist around me all of a sudden? Even my sister's trans bf wtf?

Going to try and find a nice dress to wear to my friend's baby shower tomorrow. Feeling very pessimistic because I've recently become more aware of just how broad my upper half is :(

hello i really like the theme of this megathread i'm something of a nerd about crassulaceae

here are a few of my favourites:

Dudleya crassifolia is a really endangered member of the crassulaceae family in baja california that's threatened by human expansion and i really hope to see it one day but realistically i'll never be able to afford a flight to mexico

Crassula umbella is a crassula that's summer deciduous (its above-ground portion dies back in summer), and forms tiny little cup-like leaves. also it's a nightmare to get seeds to germinate in my experience

Crassula deceptor is a cute little species (the only of the three mentioned that i am lucky enough to have in my collection) that is presumably shaped and coloured to resemble the rock fields it naturally grows in but in my collection the white with black speckles just kinda looks like bird shit but i still like it

Society is genuinely evil

::: spoiler transphobia, dysphoria Soooo much of transphobia is literally just rooted in how we look. Sorry for being a humongous freak! I don't like it either! Sorry you want me fucking dead for that!

This latest wave of transphobia I've been seeing in the news has been hitting me hard. People are genuinely evil and awful. I would rather humanity burn to the ground then continue with us being this tormented underclass. LOOK at the news. How can any trans person NOT hate society? The humans that make it up? LOOK at the fucking evil they're doing, that the average person fully supports.

My bad for getting the least palatable disability! Next time I just won't be born! :::

oh this cinnamon tea with some cocoa added in is excellent

There are no monsters in the closet, cause you're an angel!

::: spoiler death note

Directed by Vince Gilligan

::: spoiler spoiler I actually really like the symbolism of L talking about repenting his sins to the 'god of the new world' but he puts his head and mouth so close its like he's going in for a nibble lmao. also they'redripping wet and Light going in to wipe the water off of Ls hair. That level of tenderness really stands out in a story so black :::

My career orientation coach took one look at my personal profile and said

1. It is too negative
2. I need to have a personality beyond my studies

when my screen turns black for a second and I'm cursed with seeing my fat chud face

I like hoping things will happen, knowing that I'd have to communicate these hopes to multiple different people for them to happen, not doing that, and then being disappointed my hopes don't happen.

Wore my girl shorts today! Felt great, and also different. The fat redistribution still has work to do, but already better than my old boy equivalents. I am fiending for a skirt now, but that’s probably a bit far while still ostensibly cisgender

Did you know? At the terahertz frequency range we use Teflon and silicon lenses?

Like lens made out of Teflon (or silicon).

The silicon ones look like metal balls. The Teflon ones look like stretched out condoms.

The properties of materials at the terahertz ranges really are quite funny. It's like a bizzaro world.

I wish I could excise my need for other people so bad

People irl are so fucking garbage. Willfully ignorant. They do not think on things. Hateful. That's the majority and who has power.

My whole life is ruled by these people. They control everything. Why are people so shit. Vast majority are deliberately cruel or apathetic.

Also frustrating that I can't stop thinking about it. This isn't a new thought. It's very old.

So funny story. In the daoism themed mobile game I was playing I somehow ended up becoming the sect master of my sect and now I gotta like, compose a cool poem or something to put on the sect noticeboard.

Genuinely if you can't even write a poem how can you LARP as a CN fantasy enthusiast?

The problem however is that I know nothing about composing poems and never paid attention in English class

Wish I ever got into actual team sports.

"Keep, ancient lands, your storied cis!" cries she

With silent lips. "Give me your Olivers, your Kais,

Your huddled Lunas yearning to breathe free,

The wretched Lillys of your teeming shore.

Send these, the crust punks, the goodwill shoppers to me,

I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

Trying to use riivolution patches on android and this is the most frustrating shit ever. JUST LET ME PICK THE FUCKING XML FILE JESUS CHRIST WHY IS THIS SO DAMN HARD

Okay idk if I'm actually demisexual. Or maybe I am? Why is this so confusing? Why is all introspection so difficult for me? Oh right cause I never feel like I can tell all that well which decisions or desires are actually mine, and which ones are me wanting to fit in and be accepted and loved.

::: spoiler sex The hottest sex I've ever had was with somebody I knew for years before we ever did anything like that. And it wasn't even close to the second best, not even a little bit. It felt completely different, and I felt completely different. I thought because it was my first time having sex as myself with somebody I was out of the closet to. I didn't feel like I was performing, I was ravenous for real. Usually I'd have to worry about performing while topping, but I was still going strong as the sun came up the next morning. I thought this is just what sex is supposed to be like, but it hasn't been like that since. Not even with gorgeous people who I find incredibly attractive, who I get along with well and am friends with and trust and feel safe with. Hell I've even been on romantic dates with all of them, but no.

But then what if the reason it was so good with that one person was just because there are few people who cause that special sort of attraction in me? This is the only time I've experienced that, so it could be for any number of reasons, right?

Oh but I just remembered, whenever I invent sexual fantasies with my own original fictional characters, we're already very close friends in those fantasies. That does sound pretty demisexual from what I understand of it. :::

Ah fuck it, for now I think I'm gonna just stick to cuddling for physical contact anyway. I have time to try to figure this stuff out. Just put me down as questioning ig.

Time is an illusion, all forms are ephemeral and life is like a dream that ends too quickly. The only meaning you can find is that within yourself, and the only ambition worth struggling for is the pursuit of eternal life/nirvana (in one way or another, transcendence from the limited forms of an illusionary world)

^ the above is the philosophy behind a lot of eastern religions. At least, that's what I can gather.

As far as I can tell, even Christianity has an element of this (immortal soul, heaven).

Kind of interesting that a lot of feudal era religions came to this idea, while post-fuedal religions went full "I love <insert capitalist empire>!" mode.

Gender euphoric to see that all my gallery images are now clearly geared towards women and assume the reader is a woman which makes it hard to show memes to my friends without outing myself.

Even my phone has become accepting but certain people in my life haven't. This thing is an inanimate object yet it is smarter.

I feel really lonely right now, I kinda want to text one of my friends, but I don't know what I'd say. I think I'll just stay here in quiet.

I think what I'm actually craving is the feeling

There was a little pep in my step in the morning and noon periods. Felt nice, like my life before depression. I was smiling a lot. But if course it's temporary. Right now brain keeps playing:

"It's all your fault it's all your fault it's all your fault" on a continous loop.

And leg me be clear, that shit constantly plays in my head in a loop. It feels like I'm crazy at times.

Of course, it is my fault

OH SHIT IM POSTIN THE MEGA THIS WEEK

I've been watching Gen V season 2, because I'm planning on Finishing the Boys last season.

I watched Season 1 in 2023 and while I knew I was trans then, I thought I was non-binary, I now understand myself as a trans woman. This obvious affects the following analysis with my biases but...

::: spoiler I've been thinking about Jordan Li Season 2 Gen V Spoilers and transphobia And like the explanation that makes the most sense is Jordan IS a trans woman? (I know of course the trans woman thinks this but wait).

So Jordan was assigned male at birth. When injected with Compound V they gained their power which is when male they are super strong and tough, but they can change into a female version of themselves with energy projection. Jordan seems to use contextual pronouns and describes themselves as "bigender" (when a Vough executive tries to pidgeonhole them as a "trans" superhero).

Season 1 Jordan had a different hair cut when boymode-ing and girlmode-ing, but in Season 2 they have long feminine hair in both forms. Jordan rather hesitantly asks her lover Marie if she can use her female form when they have sex another time. Jordan when he is lying in public is in boymode and then she switches to girlmode to tell the truth. Jordan's parent hate it when she presents fem and wish he could be a boy more often.

Even the powers sets seem kind of trans woman coded, when he's is a man, he has to be strong and indestructible, when she is a woman she can be exploding with energy.

I don't know if it's intentional but it's an interesting character to have in media. :::

When I get access to blood tests, and if I can find it, I really wanna give undecylate a shot. Being able to forget all about my medicine. What a vibe.

::: spoiler cw

::: spoiler weight + dysphoria

I am not kidding when I say this fat fucking tummy of mine is ruining my life. Makes me feel worthless and ugly. And it's all because I eat food to feel better about myself and suppress hunger. Fuck this bullshit.

:::

Why did I stop brushing my hair :/ this sucks. I really should wash my hair and shower tonight. I hate that I've let myself go lately. I used to at least brush my hair...

::: spoiler spoiler hate being trans

I hate all the things I have to do, I hate being stuck in this body, I have voice training, I hate being misunderstood and hated for no reason, I hate going through life and remembering how many people truly think its right for me to suffer like this. I hate transitioning. I hate how inescapable it feels- even if I "make it" physically/voice wise there's always social stuff. This is not a fun or good experience. Fuck. I hate it.

Mostly my voice. Fuck. :::

Finally got the riivolution patch to work, apparently you need to put it not in the Riivolution folder, but in the riivolution folder. Which you have to create inside the Riivolution folder. WHAT THE FUCK

Two more issues though, you can't make a patch default when you launch a game. There might be an ini edit to try. Also the tutorial doesn't work with the patch. So I think I have to configure the nunchuck + wiimote controls, clear the forced tutorial, then I can finally play the game with half decent controls. But I DID make progress on it.

born into the most shit social species
born with the specific variation of a condition that permanently FUCKS your ability to ever be seen properly
also everyone hates you for having the GALL to suffer with this

genuinely the most depressing horrible shit imaginable what a fucking waste

::: spoiler death note Near and Mello have some tremendously big shoes to fill. Let's see if they can pull it off :::

omg my wife today said I have the cadence of robert plant, ten years gone came on and she said "I thought you were saying something" but it was just robert. ☺️

I hate society

People are the worst fr.

@sodium_nitrate@lemmy.ml update on my situation

::: spoiler spoiler I fucked it all up, I am alone now. :::

Estro Junkies is out today, anybody else planning to read that?

Just heard Barney Frank died