HELLO THIS IS THE MEGA SIGN UP POST/LIST POST

if you have a preferred week please tell me

sodium_nitride* (5-11 - 5/17)
peanutbuttercupola* (5/18 - 5/24)
Shaleesh* (5/25 - 5/31)
GayTuckerCarlson* (6/1 - 6/7)
SwitchyandWitchy* (6/8 - 6/14)
Alisu* (6/15 - 6/21)

​ * after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters

I finally came out to my family and it went well! My identity is not questioned, they are slowly using my new name and pronouns too 🩷

Happy Victory Day to the queer people in my phone

user with a history of transphobia feigning ignorance to run defense for a known transphobe ultraleftist slop youtuber? just a normal day outside of the trans mega on hexbear. more purges now!

Today I successfully made my desires known through communication with words 🥳

You ever have someone that you knew for a short amount of time (a month, a week, a few days, even just a conversation or single comment) but who nevertheless changed you in some big way, and you still think about them years later and wish you could talk to them again and just know what they're doing now and tell them how they changed your life and everything? But like, you were just some person they met once years ago and they don't think about you, probably don't even remember you. I have many of these people.

Being closeted is its own special circle of hell. I know my identity but most people don't. Every interaction feels fake and hollow.

Hopefully only another year of this. I can get laser in that time. Have time to voice train but probably won't. Fuck me

Just found out my mom's on E and prog lol. Apparently has been helping her mood and sleep.

Same though

Got excited because I thought I saw a missing cat, took a photo and ran back to the poster I thought was for but turns out different cat. I thought I cracked the case but guess I'm back to hitting the dirt roads again

Had a complete asshole patient tonight 😑. Weirdest insult I got from him, he called me malevolent and asked if I knew what that meant. But he was also good about my pronouns and had some gendered slurs to call me too, so ups and downs

found out my landlord has been giving my info to the government for census without mentioning nor asking and i have no clue what questions she's answering for me (did she use my legal or chosen name, jot me down as cis or trans, man or woman, common law or single, and who fucking knows what else). actually quite stressed and frustrated abt this. i keep my relationship off paper cause i'm worried my social assistance would be cut or reduced. also just in general i would like to decide for myself what info i give the government i'm actually pissed :(

Subscribe? I'm more of a domscribe the way I make her 🥺 when she reads my letters 💌

Showed off my jacket to my friend (I wasn't wearing it, I just picked it up and showed). He told me "I don't know if you realise it has some features considered feminine in germany".

My dude you know I'm on E do you genuinely think this was an accident???

Bright side: I trust his fashion sense and he didn't tell me it looked dumb so that's a win.

(He hasn't changed how he treats me so I'm fine with him being kinda dumb about this stuff)

Got catcalled by a (presumably) lesbian today, she called me a dyke, among other things Delightfully gender affirming, like, yes, you’re right! I think she took my surprise for offense because she came back over to apologize (still called me ma’am hehehehe)

I haven’t tried really feminine outfits in public, but I keep being explicitly gendered as a woman when I’m trying less mixing accessories w masc clothing… much to consider

got sir'd at work and i could feel the shadow cross my face. guy didn't mean anything by it (he's a real sweetheart) but still hurt. I'd thought I looked feminine today... my friend did say that no one would be calling me sir if I walked around without my jacket (the top i wore under it is snug, c/d cup booba on full display). And sure, yeah probably not but I wish that wasn't my one and only route to that. like if she wore a loose sweater everyone would still know she's a woman because of her hips and face and voice. shit sucks.

In one of my dreams last night I met a younger version of my mom in the past while I was wearing a dress. She was a restaurant hostess standing at one of their podiums/desks in front of a bunch of kids trying to get their tables settled. When she saw me she said I was beautiful and was only going to get more beautiful. I started crying and told her that her in the future didn't seem to feel that way, but she didn't seem to understand.

Mustered up the courage to read some of the trans fiction (it can’t all be history and theory ;() and fuck me. Shit is crushing, it’s really brutal to have an author put your exact thoughts on a page. It’s great to be spoken to via literature, but Christ it’s intense sometimes. Will still be reading

Get friends that will make a transphobe regret existing near you

Big shout out to trans mascs <333333

Up with trans!

I'm handing out free hugs

::: spoiler spoiler

I need this please

:::

I've been getting into Medieval Fairs since transitioning. My outfit has been that of a Norse woman (transitioning the one cool trick that lets you get into Viking history without looking like a chud). But I've been thinking about how I'd like to wear a cool sword, because I'm a lesbian.

I've decided actually my persona is a trans lesbian (at least in modern parlance). She went to Constantinople and served in the Varangian guard. While there she met eunarch/trans women sex workers/courtesans and was like "wait you can just be a woman?", so she got an orchiectomy/castration from the surgeons, drank fermented pregnant mare's piss and sequestered herself for a year.

Now she's a bodyguard for Byzantine noblewomen, ostensibly a eunarch, but actually just a 6'1 trans lesbian.

For anyone wondering, the image is from of the Devil, an interactive visual novel about a homicide defense lawyer in a cyberpunk future where every crime is caught on camera... except for the ones that aren't. It has very stylish graphics, great characterisation, and a 10/10 twist. Episode 0 is free of charge, lasts 3-4 hours, and wraps up its self-contained story with no cliffhangers, so you can get a nice little taster. It's a character-driven story with obvious Ace Attorney influences. I highly recommend it! https://store.steampowered.com/app/2739630/of_the_Devil

Been thinking about getting an extra vial for the girl I'm seeing when I get a new one. She hasn't had E for a little while and I want to help out. Just need to save up some money.

So I kinda knew my sister was a transphobe because she has pretty shit opinions in general but I still sucks to hear her explicitly say she doesn't like trans people

At least none of my family joined her in that

Hm, I think I like this girl. Let's see how far we'll go.

I have decided to pick up learning Spanish again. Used to be able to speak it quite well (around B1 fluency) but became too depressed to keep it up for nearly two years so I’ve forgot a lot of the Spanish I knew. It will probably be fairly easy to relearn it all given how far I got in my learning the first time around.

Thoughts about trans representation in the novels I'm reading

::: spoiler negative

It feels discouraging to me that all the trans representation in these chinese webnovels gets fucked either by the character being fucking wierd, dying horribly, or only getting the body of the opposite gender due to external circumstances.

I bring this up because there isn't a reason for literally all 3 of these chinese webnovels that I've read to feature "trans" characters whose sex transition is relevant to the plot.

Like, the yesterday example was about this person meeting rhe protagonist after 100s of years and correcting the protagonist on their pronouns. Making him call her "junior sister" which I though was a nice way to introduce a trans character. Especially for a novel whose only mention of trans characters in the past was mentioning that the sect which prepared corpses for possession sometimes got requests from "wierd cultivators who prefered to posses bodies of the opposite sex".

But nooooo, it turns out this mf had actually fused with his twin sister's soul during birth and was being used by the villain to prepare some special magic energy. He was never trans! And correcting the pronouns was a cry for help!

It's all such a shame because writing in trans characters into these cultivations novels is really easy. There's even a "canonical" reason to do it since (yang energy => masculinisation) and (yin energy => feminisation) is already a trope. Like literally all a person has to do to get HRT in these magic systems is cultivate a set of (usually) easy/generic techniques.

Fucking ... as far as I remember even irl daoist priests did things like fellating each other to "improve their yang energy" or something (the kinds of excuses gay men had to come up with in the past lol).

:::

so i'm commissioning an artist to draw me and i just got the preliminary sketch and i am so over the moon with it as it is so far. i can't stop looking at it. i love being a cute lil' kitty thing i am the happiest ever 🥺

Clothes shopping update:

1. Finding a good overcoat is hard
2. Why the fuck do 90% of them have false pockets?
3. Somehow, the "M" size of one brand fits me while "XL" on another almost rips
4. I found one! 15 euros! Good price. Makes me concerned for materials and build quality
5. It's brown, rough textured and got that false leather look going on plus internal polyester layer.
6. Casual but unquestionably femme.

It's gonna suck wearing in the summer (if I find something better I'm returning this item)

But for now, do I wear it for my (super late) birthday drink with my friend, or do I wear my falling apart coat that's lost its color? Have never girlmodded in front of someone I know before.

Went to go hang out with a friend who was having a rough time. Got distracted by a phone thing and when I turned back to her she was fast asleep in her chair. So cute.

Trans people, particularly trans women, need to be kinder to themselves.

Up with trans!

Oops there's already an up with trans thread. This is what happens when I comment the minute I wake up.

I'm gonna do a bunch of self care today. Gonna make myself all pretty 'n stuff

::: spoiler work

A person at work today said people like me and that they say I'm great, and I just about cried. I was able to stop it but god I just... Idk, I'm performing well in my job, I'm not alienating people(?!?! Is this true??? Part of me is screaming its all a lie, a neurotypical lie to make me feel safe before the do something to hurt me, but at the same time... Idk. I just, I'm trying to accept it, and not freak out or be paranoid that people dont like me, but its hard. Part of me says they're just saying that to be nice, that it isnt true... But I'm trying hard to not believe that). I just, I'm terrified that the world is working out in some kind of way. I can't get past it... I just. My life is supposed to be miserable, I'd resigned myself to basically being in poverty forever, and now there's a possibility I wont be??? Like... Am I going to be in a position where I can feed myself??? I'm not gonna make tons and tons here, but I'm gonna be not-drowning if this keeps up... Idk. I just. Its freaky and scary and I'm just not sure what to do or how to feel but its wonderful and I'm trying really hard to not let the anxiety and internalized stuff pull me into the darkness.

HOW CAN PEOPLE AT MY JOB LIKE ME!?!? I JUST WANT TO SCREAM AT THEM THAT THEYRE WRONG FOR LIKING ME AND SHOULD BE HYPERCRITICAL AND STRICT WITH ME BUT IM NOT IM NOT SCREAMING THAT BUT ITS INSIDE ME AND oh... I think I have some self worth issues I haven't addressed...

When you refresh and the fic finally updated

::: spoiler hornyposting I can't stop flirting with my friends . I saw a container with "TRANS" on it, made a post on ig asking "who wants to join me in the trans [container]?", and my friend replied "YES". I sent them "see you when you get back " and uhhh I'm feeling things in my stomach lol. What's funny is they and their partner are poly and me and their partner have already been messing around (they both know). Dreaming of being a plaything for my two hot friends: :::

Ice T on Law & Order: the kids are calling it being "transgender" it's where you take bio-identical hormones to alter your sexual characteristics.

::: spoiler bottom dysphoria having a penis is so disappointing... I can't think of another word for it. Just put my hand in my lap or whatever and... there it is, I guess. Idk why I need to have this stupid thing. Feels awful. I need a vagina. ::: spoiler sex I'm kinda guessing here that this is part of dysphoria, but the idea of it being sexualized or anything like that feels so gross and disgusting. :::

::: spoiler horny Horny feels so weird now. like I have definitely felt horniness before, but it was different. Its familiar but still really different in a weird way. The sex changes in general feel weird, but good. ::: spoiler spoiler I want another trans girl so bad. Fuck :::

My close friend (the one who smells nice, and put her arm around me... and has a boyfriend) asked if I'd be her taco for Cinco de Mayo. Felt my brain short circuit a little bit

That's flirty right? It felt flirty. But I guess friends flirt sometimes...

I hate that things won't just happen if I wait, I have to actually do shit

this is about voice training

I got some new clothes. A very fem shirt, a skirt, thigh highs and a little garter thingy (it's basically just decorative, though).

I put them on, I went to look at myself in the mirror and I was all like:

WHO THE FUCK IS THIS CUTE GIRL IN THE MIRROR, I WANT HER NUMBER

I read this cool post about fantasy being real in terms of it speaking to real desire, and it is a way that people shape the world... and I would extend that to say, it is also how people shape themselves. I thought of myself, in terms of being xenogender ✨ and how I sex myself as agender / xenogender (+ masc leaning)

There's nothing quite like just existing with other trans people. Is this how cis people feel when they're around other cis people? I guess so, but it's also normal for them I'd imagine. So maybe the comfort is just part of their background comfort.

if I were allowed to be free roam (sans capitalism) I think I would spend most of my time exploring, identifying and drawing plants, re-learning how to garden, making clothes and jewelry... and have time to make food, and create music and art & write.

I have thought about who I would be if capitalism wasnt a thing, I would like to think those things would be my hobbies. My real job would be restoring the local ecosystem or something.

::: spoiler drugs, quitting weed, it's good news! Quitting weed has genuinely been really easy lol. This is the second time I've quit weed, last time I had a terrible evil strain that gave me a panic attack every time I smoked. I stayed off it for six months, then picked it up again. Had fun for a while, quickly became addicted again, then realised I wasn't getting much out of it. The highs were shorter and less intense, and just not much fun. Weed is an expensive and unhealthy vice, so if I'm consuming I at least want to enjoy it.

I'm loving waking up in the morning and not feeling sick. I'm loving the time I have in a day that isn't just voided by the weed. If I want to drive anywhere, I can do it at any time of the day, because I'm sober. I don't feel the desire to stuff my face with food that I don't even really taste. It's been pretty instant, the way my lifestyle has felt so much healthier.

I had some cravings last night, but really thought about it. Getting a bit stoned didn't appeal to me since I knew it wouldn't last long, and getting really high didn't appeal much to me either because I'm bored of that and it feels like a waste of time. So I just ended up playing Pokemon Showdown instead, and now I've woken up in a great mood. :::

doing masculinization voice training, playing in the higher range and just start singing faith no more, lol.

https://youtu.be/32bdevGClD4

How removedy do yall think i can dress for a family gathering where nobody knows im a girl without raising questions/blowing my cover

Matching :beanis: socks arrived and they are exactly as obnoxious and comfy as I hoped. What if everything is okay, actually? What if it's not so bad as it seems?

I wish I could go out into nature away from everyone and everything. Unfortunately that means driving for many hours. Rural living was rough in some ways, but I do miss it sometimes.

It's official, a second coworker is now they theming me! Honestly better than I hoped for.

Bit idea, being punk so I don't need to voice train and framing it as an aesthetic choice and I definitely didn't want those grapes anyway

Sent another letter 💌, on the back of each page filled it up with kisses 💋. Call that my machine gun kiss she hasn't played yakuza so she might not get the reference. Fr tho putting on so many I expended a lot of lipstick

Might fuck around and come out to my dad tomorrow... hope it goes well or I'll be going to mother's Day brunch in a foul mood

Because I know some people only check the mega and not the wider site, opengate is shutting down permanently. idk what other domestic US vendors exist. Herahrt exists (ty offseasonprincess). Right now they're doing a firesale, $35/vial for Enanthate. Buy some if you need some, I'm already stocked. DMs open if you need something.

Going on a trip with my comrades. This is going to be so fun. I'll be girlmoding all the time, it will be awesome, I just know

Had a disgustingly thick shake with lunch and now my tummy hurts (was amazing though)

Also the weather is sooo nice I wish I didn't have work. In general today hasn't been as bad as the last week or whatever it even was, feel better. Just need to be done with fucking work.

Cousin messaged me after a few months, super nice to chat with her again. I'm hoping we can hang out end of this month. Very excited about that.

::: spoiler transphobia It sounds like she got another job, then lost it because people were spreading some terrible transphobic rumors. Incredibly shitty situation. Makes me so sad. :::

I haven't been on the site in a while 'cause I needed a break. I've missed you all

::: spoiler cw

::: spoiler closet

I get it now. The worst part about the closet. You can't beg for mercy. You can't plead your case. You can't complain about your problems. You can't vent your feelings. You can't even feel down. You have to pretend as if everything is fine and you have to act cheery 24/7.

You have to keep this up for however long it takes to earn your freedom then you have to cut off ties to your loved ones. At that point you can start rebuilding your life which is a whole ton of effort on its own. Well maybe you could start earlier as well, but I got too much uni and depression to do that.

What's the reward for all of this? You get to live a semi-normal life.

It's the kind of punishment I would only wish on my worst enemies.

:::

If due to recent events you need to make your vials last longer, use insulin syringes for your injections. They have very low loss to deadspace, which means less waste.

::: spoiler guinea pig in my bosom ::: His name is Rocky

Reposting from the last thread to get more eyes.

Earlier, I got pulled on stage to put manacles on a strongwoman so she could break out of them. On one hand, , but on the other hand, I kinda dislike that she pulled me up because I look dommy because that's not really how I want to be perceived.

Got given an old laptop with a non working fan, going to try compressed air first. If that doesn't fix it I think I'll order a new fan and see if I can fix it. Have never really had a laptop, always used my desktop, so that might be handy.

Difference between girlmodding and boymodding on my walks is that I feel self concious about the little bit of my bra sticking out of the very low neckline of my girlmodding shirt (I only have 1 girlmodding shirt do you think I'm rich enough to afford clothes?)

::: spoiler dysphoria I am not visibly trans in real life or online, today is not safe to even be trans in my little chat rooms anymore, the bare minimum of having a profile picture you like or your chosen name as an account can become dangerous once you open your phone around other people, not so long ago I felt like I am who I was, I wish that the invisibility was recognized and respected, I can not afford to expose my self. What I am getting into is that some trans people and allies seem to get the idea that anyone that is not visibly trans to them is not trans and therefore can not feel dysphoria or face transphobia. An example I saw once here was someone saying "if you are a man who cares about x you should get over it, except if you are trans", if that person met me, talked to me in real life or on one of my accounts what would they tell me if I cared about x?

A lot of us are facing danger, with state sponsored transphobia growing all over the world, and mass online surveillance, I believe we should put it into consideration. :::

Last comment of the day:

::: spoiler frustration, depression mention, idk if it's an upbeat or downbeat post

I was happy today. Met with a friend, shopped, did work, girlmodded for a while. What a nice balanced day. I wish all days could be like this.

Walking around in girl clothes was so comfortable and felt so natural. I'm girl shaped! I can't hide in the closet anymore, I don't want to hide in the closet anymore! I'm ready to leave but it's so frustrating.

Fuck! It's just this one thing! It's so frustrating. I can't solve my family problem. I know these people, they'll never litsen, learn or understand. No matter how many times I try to climb out of depression through perserverance, I'm not allowed to take that last step.

:::

I realized I very likely named myself after a very specific character in a video game and now I can't unsee it lmao

BURN IT DOWN by Linkin Park, but it's about me coming out and burning the closet down

DOWN WITH CIS

Oh I'm gonna sleep like a baby tonight, I can feel it.

I'm also just feeling great right now. I've been outside and very physically active today. I did my injection. I just showered so I feel really clean. I have freshly washed bedding on my bed. If I had somebody here to cuddle with then everything would truly be perfect. I have a big shark plush to cuddle with at least.

shout out to the game Of The Devil! I never play visual novels but it really blew my mind I love the world and the characters so much! I'm happy to see it as the image for this thread :)

I see Of the Devil, i must comment. Even when it's not Serra. Or AD-84. Or Yumi.

Edit: As much as i love Morgan, i'm extremely happy to see that the megathread thumbnail is now our glorious attention-deficient robot queen. Adey is goals.

So uh what's up with this tagline?

Oh the caffeine is kicking like something else this morning

there aren't many things i like about my current appearance, but i do just sort of naturally have incredibly removedy eyelashes so that's pretty great

I figured it out! If a trans woman transitions to male then he becomes known as a gauche man. This was inspired from the IUPAC terminology of isomerism.

As you can see on this diagram, the CH3 groups in cis-butane (chemical D) line up with each other. For chemical B (aka gauche-butane), the CH3 groups are offset by 60 degrees, which is closer than thr alternative offsets of 120 degree (aka eclipsed-butane) and 180 degrees (trans-butane).

So a trans woman transitions to gauche-man. This is different from detrans or just being genderfluid (cause then they go cis-man). But I guess genderfluid can also go gauche-male.

I had a nightmare last night that I looked in the mirror and my areola had gotten massive and it freaked me out so bad I woke up

I have very normal insecurities and worries btw

::: spoiler The Horrors Woke up fine this morning, got hit in the face with The Horrors at some point and spent the rest of the day alternating between "fine" and "crumpled up in a ball sobbing". I'm exhausted, but it's been a productive day nevertheless. :::

Somebody else was posting about getting back to B1 in Spanish. I have two years to get to B2 in German for Reasons and it's both agonizingly slow and going better than I expected. I need to go back in time a year and change and explain that learning French to flirt with quebecois.es may seem more practical in the moment but trust me you need to finally get serious about German for reasons that will become evident in a matter of months. Oh, and Boarisch and Schwyzerdütsch. I have to get conversational in them, too.

I have about two weeks left before my life is work-study-German for the foreseeable future.

I've been playing Is This Seat Taken? Which is a lovely little puzzle game where you have to put people in seats with various conditions. Maybe some people want to sit in a certain section, or want quiet, or want to chat. Lots of little requirements. I'm about half way through right now and the game is still pretty easy/chill imo. Its a bit like sudoku.

::: spoiler spoiler Have I genuinely just been completely miserable for the last like week+

what the fuck. Why is life so shit. How and when will I be okay. I feel like puberty, and then figuring out I was trans, has just ruined me. I have no life. Its just pain. No goals get accomplished. Not even the minimum. Fuck me. :::

You WILL make a pie this weekend.

This is not a suggestion.

Coworker and I were talking and apparently talking to yourself is a common thing for autistic people to do, so adding that to my list

Can't stop consuming trans content and shit even though it and being trans itself make me deeply miserable. I just wish I could forget but I can't

I snooze, i lose. Open labs is out of enanthate dont need rn, but thought it would be good for emergencies and i love a good deal

Glad I'm allowed to misanthropy post here

I've been staring at dresses in store fronts a lot recently.

Honestly not sure what to think of this as my current style is the complete opposite and largely made up of trousers, some heavy boots and a bunch of self-made accessorises. Right now it feels like my chest needs to get bigger before I can decide on finding clothes that I like, but the idea of dresses and big, chonky boots sounds fun.

Finally got my split open ear pads for my headphones switched out with the new ones I bought, much comfier. And not broken.

I'm really craving some company but I'm also so overstimulated. And most of my friends are too busy or too far away for last minute plans. I just really need somebody to sit and have some non-verbal time with. Maybe I should go for a walk in the woods, mother nature is a great companion when I feel this way, but I still wish I had a human to share it with.

::: spoiler science fun fact

Did you know? Between electronics and optics there lies the so called terahertz gap?

Electronics below 100 GHz

Optics is above 10 Thz (although usually it really starts at 100 THz)

For both electronics and optics, we have very mature devices to produce and detect them. Electronics has the advantage of being low frequencies, so it's already easy to work with (low frequency = easier).

Optics has the advantage that those frequencies are absorbed and produced by atoms/molecules. The energy of chemistry is in that range.

Terhertz is the neglected middle child. Most chemistry doesn't happen at this range. And it's too high frequency for normal electronics.

So how do we make terahertz lasers?

Simple. Do you know about beating in musical notes? If you play 2 notes of different frequencies then you will also hear a note that is the difference of those 2 frequencies?

So just do that with optical lasers! Multiply together 2 lasers whose frequencies differ by a 100-10000 GHz and you made a terahertz beating!

To multiply lasers all you gotta do is shine them both on a crystal which has a non-linear response to electromagnetism. The non-linear part of the response acts like a multiplication of waves and the linear part acts like addition. (It's actually cooler. You can have 1rst order response = addition, 2nd order response = 2 waves multiplied, 3rd order = 3 waves multiplication and so on)

:::

A new Cannons and MUNA album this early in 2026? Pretty great time to be a trans lesbian.

I've started replaying Of the Devil episode 1 on high roller mode, partially due to this thread. Thank you for taking the time to regularly switch out the thread's thumbnail to showcase how many amazing characters this game has.

::: spoiler cw

::: spoiler health

Slowly dying through insomnia. How fun. Had 3 hours of sleep tonight. I think I'll have to do medical intervention. But stess is the main culprit I know.

:::

Trans representation in media further thoughts:

::: spoiler cw

::: spoiler mention of SA

There is a reason why the current novel (xian ni) I'm reading really stood out to me and why I made a post about it.

One detail I left out from the scene is that I kinda related to that character when she appeared again. I thought it was neat for her to say "I was always a woman" and was self inserting a bit.

So imagine how I felt when immediately after her introduction not only does the narration misgender her, but the perverted side kick with barely any screen time shows up and starts acting like a chaser and threatens to SA her.

That's a level of ick that fully caught me off guard. This was like 900 chapters in. Even the "perverted side kick" only acted like a horn dog in like 2 scenes and it was never this egregious. In both cases he pretty much fell in love and tried to court, pretended to be a gentleman, even save his crushes. I say all this to emphasise just how out of left field this whole scene was.

Overall? I wouldn't really say that I'm going to drop this novel cause of this scene. It was a 3 chapter subplot in a 2000 chapter serialisation. And the author had a bad rep when it came to writing women so I should have braced myself. But it's like eating a pizza and you bite down on a rock that's in there for some reason.

(The real reason is I'm too far in to drop this novel. If this scene happened in the first 100 chapters I'd have dropped it. I also don't plan on reading other works from this author anymore)

(FYI the name of this author is er gen in case you want to ... idk, get into Chinese web novels and know who to be cautious of?)

:::

:::

::: spoiler spoiler Holy fuck I feel so, so awful.

I wonder how much longer life is going to be like this. When and how will it end. Everything is foggy and miserable.

Life is horrible and a huge amount of why is other people. Fuckers. Not like you can escape them either. ::: spoiler voice dysphoria also fucking hopeless about my voice.

FUCK TESTOSTERONE, FUCK OTHER PEOPLE, FUCK BEING BORN IN THE WRONG BODY

ACTUAL HELL. KILL ME :::

Downloaded a random mobile game and god it's scary how addicting they make it by giving you a million options to click.

::: spoiler spoiler Feel absolutely awful :doomjak: I have no one to message, or care, and nothing I can do to help. I just hope this is over soon. But it won't be. I've wanted it over for so long but it still isn't.

I am so sick. :::

Dog eats Bean Burrito in 1 second

Why does deadlock crash so much

::: spoiler spoiler I still feel so awful, I could barely function at work today. Have to go out for mother's day. And I feel so, so shit. :::

Why is it girlmodding/boymodding? I read it as girl/boy+modding, which, I guess yeah modifying ourselves? But when spoken I hear (and say) girl/boy+mode+ing, which would give girl/boy+modeing, which then drops the e (cause English is special) to become girlmoding/boymoding.

::: spoiler content warning, wierd question

::: spoiler mental illness, suicide

Is imposter syndrome for mentall illness a real thing?

Cause I often think I don't have a crippling enough excuse to not live up to my own expectations. And I feel like I'm not suicidal enough. Like there's a voice in my head that makes fun of me for chickening out and not killing myself earlier this year.

:::

Teenager at work got his second tattoo, right on his hand. First is far up on his other forearm. Great choices from this guy.

Sorry I didn't read the comments past few days. Don't got an excuse I just didn't :(

::: spoiler cw

::: spoiler health issues + suicide

I'm still chronically sick. Everyday I wake up with pain in my body and a headache.

The chronic sickness is a sign that my immune system is weakened due to my extremely poor health. And it's not like I stopped feeling suicidal in the meantime.

The illnesses are combining forces to jump my ass.

I'm kinda just chugging along putting on a tough front. My biggest weakness is my refusal to show weakness in front of other people and aversion to getting help+rest. But part of that is also that getting rest means the bad thoughts come back.

Getting rest for me is an uphill battle. I have to hype myself up over a few days with self-suggestion so that when I stop distracting myself the thoughts aren't "kill yourself stupid b*tch".

:::

:::

I went out dancing until the early morning last night. I'm so tired, and a little hungover

Some days it's my brain. Other days it's the computer. Can I not just have things go straightforward? Or is it just that I don't remember it when things go straightforward?