HELLO THIS IS THE MEGA SIGN UP POST/LIST POST

if you have a preferred week please tell me

Disaster_of_Passion* (5/4 - 5/10)
sodium_nitride* (5-11 - 5/17)
peanutbuttercupola* (5/18 - 5/24)
Shaleesh* (5/25 - 5/31)
GayTuckerCarlson* (6/1 - 6/7)
SwitchyandWitchy* (6/8 - 6/14)
Alisu* (6/15 - 6/21)

​ * after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters

Never trust a cissie, not even on hexbear. They will betray you.

The vegans here got my ass, I'm stopping eating meat today and eventually moving to veganism.

Dying of natural causes at 74 despite living through nazi germany 1 (1871-1945) and nazi germany 2 (1990-now)! That's a pretty happy ending.

(Well ok dying at all isn't a happy ending but immortality does not exist unfortunately)

The wikipedia article on her has some disgusting framing:

Her life could be described as that of an outsider who survived, no matter the ruling ideology, during the Nazi period, Communist-controlled East Germany

Yeah cause surviving the fucking holocaust and surviving a government that let her run a whole ass museum and gave her a mansion rent-free are the same thing.

Fun fact: Charlotte von Mahlsdorf had a brief cameo as a bartender at a queer club in DEFA's 1989 movie Coming Out, the GDR's film aimed at destigmitizing gay relationships following the sudden reversal of queer policy in the mid 1980s. In that sense, it is a spiritual successor to Magnus Hirschfeld's 1919 silent film Anders als die Andern (Different from the Others).

I walked past a window today after putting on my favorite outfit and doing my hair up nice and I almost cried. It's been 3 years of hrt almost, and 5 years of social transition. I made it y'all. I didn't just see a woman in the reflection this time, I saw me. I had to keep glancing back, every time I thought I'd be gone, replaced by the unfamiliar image that I usually see, but no. Every time I was there, looking as familiar as when I imagine myself.

It's done, it feels like the hard part is over. At least for me, in this one way, I won. I think it was 10 years ago that I convinced myself I couldn't transition because it was too late or I'd just never be happy with where I'd end up, I couldn't even imagine a path from where I was to anything I'd want to be. Eventually I realized that I'd have to try, but the doubt always remained. But I beat it, I won against it. Not just in battle day but the whole war. I'm here to stay for as long as I've got left, and I'm gonna enjoy the hell out of it.

Today marks three years nicotine-free.

Never thought I'd get this far.

Came out to my brother, went very very well! Apparently his partner had noticed I've been referring to myself super gender neutrally so they've suspected something is up.

My sister had said she expected him to be super accepting to be contrarian to my mom but he was just cool about it period. Funny that my sister would suspect such a mercenary justification for him being accepting when she herself didn't handle it the best at first.

Today my youngest gave me a sticker and said, “there, now you’re pretty like a princess” and I almost cried. No one’s ever said anything like that to me before.

-be me

-guy at work who is quiet, seems a little odd but harmless

-surprisingly chill about my transition the whole time, no comments, corrects staff who misgender me

-no egg vibes at all

-much later on Facebook see you might be friends with a woman

-shes very beautiful

-shes very clocky

-picture is of her at wedding to the guy at my work

-mutual friend is a trans friend of mine (I'm not friends with him)

-huh dudes rock

Random thought leapt into my mind

::: spoiler spoiler

Reflexively going to open the door for a girl cause that's how I was raised but she grabs my wrist, gives me a chiding look, and holds it open for me instead

:::

Her letter came in and I cried, trans mega today was rough but when I got news her letter awaited me it made today an even better day

I finally got my hormones this week, I am so happy.

T4T must be the greatest form of love, there is no doubt in my mind

People really look at turquoise and think its green huh

Soooo cute to have a couple pining over each other in the mega again

::: spoiler botton surgery stuff The number of transbians Ive been with casually before bottom surgery who have now told me they dont actually like vagina is kind bumming me out 😭, wtf I cant believe the only thing they wanted from me was my dick :::

::: spoiler I dunno probably some dysphoria shit or something Is there a gender where I want to look cute and feminine but it’s way too much effort and pain and money so instead I’ll just look like a man until I die? :::

I want a gf soooo bad. I was hanging out with my friends and its not that I have a crush on her specifically, but the way she acts, looks at her partner, just having someone close like that. I want a gf. Why no gf :/

Update: got tacos. Fuckin stuffed.

It's interesting how four months can seem like an eternity when you're away from your partner, but those feelings disappear completely during that firet airport hug. It's almost like no time has passed at all.

That said, I'm glad we're closing the distance later this year.

Chat I like actually need someone to ping me on Fridays or something because my med taking has been awful lately.

Doing it now but FUCK

Ome thing you learn from HRT opening up your emotional spectrum is that nobody taught me how to regulate my emotions and I feel like a chaotic mess all the time with an inability to have stable views of myself.

::: spoiler final vacation update, mild content warnings

::: spoiler depressing topic and background transphobia

Kinda crazy how much "life advice" talk my parents have thrown at me in these past 4 days. Besides just not wanting to ever come back because of this, it's all fucking useless cause it's nothing more than passive discouragement and generic platitudes.

I cannot count the amount of times I've been told "you can tell me anything".

Even though I'm a coward and a loser, no temptations of theirs will make me betray myself and the woman I have chosen to be!

Perhaps these words are dramatic, but they are true and I stand by them till my dying breath.

:::

I'm learning Cis Women love having a Trans Woman call them "Diva"

I spent like an hour addressing 20 letters to my gf this morning, hard boring part done and with some cute forest animal stamps ready the fun part of actually writing them comes up where I write them. Gonna head to a botanical garden tomorrow for inspiration write it like she's besides me to give a feel how it'll be when we go there together

::: spoiler sadposting put off my E shots for like 3 days because i was too busy being a miserable alcoholic to do anything about it and now i feel bad, who could have thunk? :::

I wish I had someone to watch TV with. Touch starved.

So apparently dating apps have lots of trans women and all of them like other trans women

Flirting is so hard... Why can't she just ask me out already damn it

I really need to watch that movie about the glowing TV don't I

Ayatollah Khamenei called to say he's really impressed with your latest win in Super Auto Pets. Congrats!

Less than a week till I fly out and see my gf again

Realizing I'm hot makes everything in my life make sense now, people weren't being nice to me out of pity but the halo effect. My gf made me realize I was beautiful and I love her so much. She's fucking adorable looks wise and because I adore her.

went out w my girlfriend in the weird early stage of transness I'm currently rocking. Mostly boymode (jeans hoodie sneakers) w girl accents (bracelets, necklace, tight shirt, nails). I guess those accents helped because 1) men kept complimenting her in ways that never happened when we appeared "straight" and 2) a cashier called us ladies!!!! i'm going to be riding that high for months

Just feeling bleh today... I think this job is draining my life force. Should hear by the end of the week whether or not I'm moving forward to the final round of interviews for the trans-friendly job though

Lol I just realized that I wrote "April 27th to April 3rd in the title of this mega. Oops, I fixed it now.

USA gas prices just hit its newest war time high

Sorry not sorry to any car drivers here but I hope gas hits $10 a gallon

I mentioned how being off TikTok kept me away from the feeling of yearning to look as gorgeous as other trans women. Unfortunately, I watched one (1) episode of euphoria and it’s back! Comparison is truly the thief of joy

Friend corrected my pronouns when I misgendered myself

Wish he was an irl friend but I am glad to have him

Been working on my coding game a bit more. First comment. This is my current implementation of polyculture. So crops "desire" a companion within a small range of a specific plant. If that plant is on the desired coordinates the first plant gets a 5x multiplier when harvested (more when upgraded). This is kinda my third attempt at the problem. First try I thought it was a direct neighbor and wanted to try just flying to whatever neighbor was desired, planting and then going to that plant's desired neighbor and then looping back at some point. Because the range is bigger then I thought this approach took wayy too long. The second was very similar to this, but I was recording what tiles desired within the tile object itself, so I had to iterate over every tile to get the list of tiles that desire a crop on the square I'm on. With this rewrite I store that information directly on the tile, so each object knows where all the crops that desire a specific crop are. This saves lots of compute time (most actions take 1 game tick, planting takes 400. So with looping over the whole grid before making a decision I was losing 100~200 ticks every time I planted.)

Further improvements, I wish I was using a proper 2d array instead of the janky array, the 1d array works because I loop through tiles the same way every time but I think 2d would be easier to visualize and let me change things about the system more easily. Biggest reason I haven't is because I'm not sure how to compare and prioritize which crop should be planted on a specific square. Sometimes multiple plants pick the same tile, but obviously only one of them can get what they want so I pick the one that will be harvested next. Also want to generally clean up and recomment my code because some of this is old from the second revision.

I think this is working properly but I made some big changes last night before bed.

::: spoiler code `
def poly_culture(): def coords_to_index(x, y): size = get_world_size() return y * size + x

# array of objects
poly_field_array = []

for _ in range(get_world_size() * get_world_size()):
	poly_field_array.append({
		"i": None,
		"plant": None,
		"cords": None,
		"desired_by": [
		]
	})

while True:
	# i is the pointer of the square we are on
	# later we will prioritize the lowest i value higher then we are currently on,
	# because it will be the first harvested
	i = 0
	
	
	for j in range(get_world_size()):
		for j in range(get_world_size()):
			harvest()
				
			# planting logic
			
			# get list of all plants that desire a companion on current square
			current_desired_by = poly_field_array[i]["desired_by"]
					
			if current_desired_by == []:
				plant_type = random_choice((Entities.Grass, Entities.Tree, Entities.Carrot))
			
			elif len(current_desired_by) == 1:
				plant_type = current_desired_by[0]["desires"]

			else:
				# if we are at i = 120
				# we pick 130 instead of 140 or 50
				# if we are 170 
				# we pick 4 instead of 70
				best_match = None
				for obj in current_desired_by:
					if obj["i"] > i:
						if best_match == None or obj["i"] > best_match["i"]:
							best_match = obj
				
				if best_match == None: # if there was nothing slightly higher, wrap and get lowest
					for obj in current_desired_by:
						if best_match == None or obj["i"] < best_match["i"]:
							best_match = obj
							
				plant_type = best_match["desires"]
				
				
			# actually plant crop
			if plant_type == Entities.Carrot:
				if get_ground_type() == Grounds.Grassland:
					till()
				plant(Entities.Carrot)
			else:
				if get_ground_type() == Grounds.Soil:
					till()
				plant(plant_type)
			
			poly_field_array[i]["desired_by"] = []
			
	
			# log desired companion of whatever was planted a second ago
			plant_type, (x, y) = get_companion()
			
			target_i = coords_to_index(x, y)

			poly_field_array[target_i]["desired_by"].append({
				"i": i,
				"desires": plant_type
			})
				
				
			i += 1
	
			move(North)
		move(East)	
return  

` :::

I love feeling my girls grow omg

::: spoiler STI mention (not bad) My partner and I got some STI screenings done. We have been monogamous since going steady, but it was just good to do a routine check. We about both negative (clean).

:::

Can't enjoy anything right now. Only think about

1. My hatred of others
2. My hatred of being trans

fuck my life.

I am so divorced from the normal human experience. I can't imagine enjoying this.

All I want is to be happy but I am deeply miserable

Is taking food with your meds actually helpful for effectiveness? Trying to figure out why every other day my depression fluctuates between feeling meh or feeling bad, and that's the only variable I can think of ATM.

Girl girl girl I wanna be a girllllllll all the timeeeeee

::: spoiler cw: horni I'm so girl horny today. I want a strong gf that protects me and gives cuddles. And then I can cook for her and have a great time together. :::

Sooo tired from work today. Going to hangout with a friend after too.

I need to decide how much it bothers me she/her bf don't gender or name me.

I really thought I was built different and had overcome my patriarchal brainworms about crying. Turns out I realllllly have not done that

Looking forward to the mega time looping back to April 1st tomorrow!

Her Autobiography 'I Am My Own Wife' is available to read on the Transread website. Link to the page here

The book was a decent read through of her life and experiences.

::: spoiler List of Content Warnings for the Book, likely more but the obvious ones

• Transphobia
• Homophobia
• Nazi Violence and Atrocities
• Domestic Violence
• Sexual Assault
• Descriptions of Sexual Activities

:::

::: spoiler spoiler Scrolling through tiktok. >me because I took a double shot of estrogen. (she's extremely pretty, passing, tbh wouldn't have clocked her. Scrolling muted so idk what her voice was like I guess). Think autisticly to myself that's not really how that works. Then think about how unfair life is that some people just get to be women. Decided to see when she transitioned. 17.

if only teenage me wasn't stupid. I don't have any pictures of then handy so I guess I can't exactly know how much better off I'd be.

I think about this too much. Was thinking about it earlier today too. How much different and better life would be. I know it doesn't matter and I shouldn't think about it. But idk. I hate transitioning late. I hate how puberty fucked me. It really does just feel like life is over :::

I AM SO GAY, I LOVE BEING GAY AND I LOVE WOMEN

Gonna save all my mushy feelings about my partner for the next love letter I'm gonna send her, the first one made it. It's just so much goodness being able to express how I feel to her like this

tfw people tell you (trans person) you have to do the thing (trans) to make yourself happy :/ like what if I want to just not (because scary and probably bad) but still want to be happy?? why doesn't it work like that??

::: spoiler spoiler But tbh it really just is all the negative things keeping me away and hesitant about it rn, god I can't wait for this to be over in hopefully a few years (passing) :::

::: spoiler idk even

If I had the option of becoming a lesbian I wouldn't mind. Like if there was a button to make me not attracted to men I'd be willing to press it (but not compelled). If there was a button for me to not be attracted to women I'd not want to press it.

But then if I imagine a happy future for myself it consists of a heterosexual marriage with 3 children ...

What do we call this type of orientation? Repressed lesbian with heteronormativity brainworms?

But like, my attraction to men is real. Why else was I fantasising about kissing my male teachers when I was a child who knew nothing about lgbtq topics?

God this shit is so confusing. WHY DO I WANT TO BE A LESBIAN?????

:::

I switched to boofing my prog yesterday and my nipples were hard 10x more than usual today.

hard to focus on work when my brain can't keep from yearning about mecha

I've been practicing my voice recently. I went on a whole bikeride doing nothing but repeating "heat from fire, fire from heat" over and over again. Within a few months, this will hopefully give me a more feminine voice.

I'm getting so sick of silly hypotheticals online.

There's this blue button red button one right now. The whole world picks a button red or blue each.

If more than half the world picks blue everyone lives, if more than half picks red every blue pusher dies.

Reactionaries are like "everyone should just push red and we'll all survive", other people are like "if we all push blue we all survive including anyone who got confused".

It's being used a culture war difference thing.

But like the world doesn't work like that. There is already a red button and only 1% is hitting it to kill all of us, including fools who think they also have a red button. Argh.

@BountifulEggnog@hexbear.net mexican food really goes hard, you were so right for that. I made some pico de gallo and it was incredible :)

This might sound weird coming from a fully grown adult, but I’ve gotten really into Monster High lately.

My favourite characters are Draculaura and Frankie Stein and I ordered the dolls for them while tipsy. I’m thinking of getting doll stands and displaying them somewhere.

I will have money soon which means I will be replenishing my stock of flannel both for myself and my girlfriend, who lives somewhere less resplendent with the stuff. You know at least some of them will be matching. What fits me perfectly is adorably oversized on her.

I used to think that giving power to the whole region in "The Lucky Old Sun" was the most moral outcome in Fallout : New Vegas. Now that my character is a trans woman, clearly the most moral outcome is giving her the power of the sun in a weapon to obliterate her enemies.

I have been collaborating on a capstone project with another student this semester and my partner just pushed a commit that effectively replaced every line of code I have written for the project. Ive had several sleepless nights in a row this week alone while I tried to get this shit done and it was made irrelevant in less than 8 hours. Ive brought it up with them and Im waiting to simmer down before I have a real talk about it but like...

Okay so I'm not wrong right? Communication has been something of an issue but I didn't have any reason to suspect that we were pivoting this hard this close to the due date. Im on the verge of tears, I could have slept or spent time with people this week.

woag ::: spoiler spoiler :::

Dysphoria breaks you

Holy shit I might really be a transbian. That fucking masterdoc is hitting too many points. I still feel like I'm having trouble accepting it. Give up attraction to boys? It seems too easy.

I know I've said before about my attraction to men on the megas but like it's always an abstract idea of men and being affirmed by them.

in the waning hours of this mega I shall tell an embarrassing story from yesterday

so before my brother came over i wanted to nuke all my body hair so that i could feel more properly "girly" as part of hyping myself up to come out to him. And I had tried Nair on my legs before and it worked great! So I slathered it on my arms, legs, chest and belly. Only problem was applying it took so long that by the time I was done I basically had to start immediately washing it off in the shower, to the point that it lingered too long on my chest and i got some on my fingertips.

chemical burns on both areas! at least it was only the fingertips on one hand (my dominant hand though) and it wasn't so bad, just need to be careful with them. Chest was a lot more painful at first and the little gland dudes on my nipples were made raw to the point of a little blood(?) but putting some white petrolatum on the area really helped soothe it. Probably gonna get some aloe at the store as well.

But this shan't put me (completely) off of Nair! I just need to pace it and be extra careful with areas like my chest

I've been covering someone at work who has a public facing position and I'm exhausted smdh. This level of socializing is not for me. At least today is the last day

So, I've seen people mention here before applying a bit of testosterone gel to the balls to keep everything functioning while on E.

I asked my Dr about that and he said it's not a thing, but I trust people here more than him.

Anyone able to point me towards more info on this/ have experience to share?

Also, I don't have any gel rn, but my bf does T injections and has extra of that stuff I can use. And idea if that'd work? Like, rubbing that liquid on my junk, not injecting it lol

did an injection and when i finished i noticed there was more blood than usual (tbf normally it's a single tiny drop, or no blood at all), also when i wiped away the blood i saw that there's something like a raised bump and faint darkness, like a bruise at the injection site 😓 what are the odds i hit a blood vessel?

Got my ebike!!!! And now I am broke...

All the cards I needed to write are making their way across the globe now. In 2-14 days depending on distance the things I wrote will be in the hands of the people I love. I'm writing poetry again. I'm excited for the future again.

::: spoiler cw abuse A year ago I was locked in my side bedroom so my ex-wife couldn't get her hands on me. I came out of that experience hurt but intact, the friends I had before I met her were ready to embrace me, and I've been making new friends since then. It really can go from everything is fucked forever to "what the fuck how is this real", really quick. So long as you're breathing it can always get better. 5 years I spent in a dead end relationship because I thought getting the right pronouns used for me was the best I could hope for from a partner. If you expect so little from people, you will find yourself surrounded by people who think so little of you. It's worth the struggle to find people who embrace you for who you are.

Yeah, you. Whoever is reading this. I mean you. You're not so special. You're not so uniquely broken. There is someone who can match your freak out there somewhere. :::

Shout out to my girlfriend for calling me the most romantic person she's ever met, too. I needed to hear that today. To quote someone, somewhere: "the horrors never cease. The wonders never cease, either."

Mfw I run out of space on the letter 💌 so I can only send one smooch

Tofu sandwich and limoncello soda

This next week is gonna be amazing, I can feel it in my bones.

I've been more active on Fb since there's extreme couponing groups that aren't super gatekept since I needed toothpaste and laundry soap badly, and also apparently the next largest town has a fledgling DSA that's been launched not long ago I want to watch, which like the other local as in 300mi away major orgs you join through Fb which seems...Idk.

Anyway, now for the funny but scary AI overreach long-winded story, between me trying my best diamat analysis film nerd hand on deepseek on break and idk my couponing and foodporn scrolling Fb's algo broke one day about the time we had the warehouse fire news break and it lost its red scare programming and posted nothing but Marxist and socialist memes on the algo, like you'd get banned for this back when Fb rolled up back in the day, but here it was non stop agiprop posting, like where am I what year is this, where's my chocolate peanutbutter protein cake concoction, if you saw it blind to context you'd assume the US is currently sitting 1910s tsarist RU edition waiting for the vanguard to lead the raging proletarian masses while I'm just hungry for 'healthy sweets'.

Like a few hours later the algo's scare defenses came back on and was typical doom nonsense, everyone vs everyone, we all got 1 of every condition and gon die horribly unloved and alone, idgaf about that I want FOODPORN, where is my eyewatering pasta dish. They didn't even have bs coupons I don't need. I stayed away for a few days, at least I get my pasta dishes sometimes now, but it hasn't been exactly right since the break, thought the story would be enjoyed (or not) here since its an example of data shared one place is data shared everywhere and the need for one to take caution on your damn phone.

Shout out tboys!! Got to hang out with most of my besties today, and my friend group is almost all transmasc guys; I love them so much <3 I love boys!!!

Sometimes I think I'll be okay enough with the body and face I was born with. Lately I'm also little more able to cast fatphobic thoughts about myself aside.

Thank you all for the movie recommendations I'll have to check some of those out.

Last depressing comment for the day?

::: spoiler Tap for spoiler

As long as I am financially dependent on my parents their voice will haunt my brain. They don't even need to threaten me. The curse does 99% of the heavy lifting and makes me retract from all things (and especially talking to people).

As for being lonely, I'm at the level of lonliness where I don't even feel "lonely" anymore. It's just a baseline state of being. Yeah I'll go weeks or months without really talking to a person irl (asking the professor a question doesn't count). Don't even feel sad about tbh. It's fine. I can live like this. Pretty chill all things considered.

:::

Really interesting mega topic! My sleepy brain thought the title was referring to a trans elder Dance Dance Revolution enthusiast lol

Since it's the last day of April, I'm reminded of my favourite quote from Boogiepop:

There's nothing in this world that is ever truly decided. Birds sometimes fall out of the sky, and sometimes it snows in April. Everything is uncertain, nothing is unnatural.

Boogiepop is also canonically nonbinary! If you haven't read the light novels or watched either anime, I'd recommend it.

honestly disgusted by the amount of sucker MCs in the world today...

After having my prog seized at customs I haven't tried to get more. Idk what to do honestly. How do I go about getting prog?

::: spoiler cw: genitals, sex and surgery I think I want to have a pussy now. Maybe I don't even want to keep my penis. Getting SRS is so far away though, so I'll just wait a little and see how I feel. I want to know how t-girls feel after surgery too, maybe it will help me decide. I liked being with this girl so much, and I feel like having a pussy would make it so much better :::

Is there a recommended time to start progesterone?

::: spoiler horny

Am I allowed to horny post about boys? Cause I'm getting vivid daydreams about passionately making out with boys and the horny feeling is siezing my whole fucking body and god this shit is so intense. 1

:::

::: spoiler horny I feel so needy

I want to cuddle and touch and have sex and the whole thing. My hair feels so nice I need someone to touch me... ugh god. Everything. Fuck I need someone. :::

::: spoiler you should aspire to this level of self-confidence

:::

::: spoiler man life sucks. I don't much care for this. Moving will be nice. Resetting all my social connections sucks. Going to get a job. Which is good, but also sucks. Just your average soul sucking corpo job. Which obviously could be worse and I shouldn't complain. I am sick of everything being soul sucking though. That's just life. Soul sucking and miserable and barely anything on the horizon.

Its just disappointing as fuck. I remember as a child never wanting to grow up and its worse then I ever could have imagined.

Fuck me for getting depressed as a teen. If only I hadn't or had locked in or repped harder or whatever and then maybe I'd be able to at least do something I don't hate with my life. :::

::: spoiler breaking down I'm so exhausted. I hate working to 8pm and I have to do that for 3 days this week. I was on the verge of crying in the middle of my sessions for the past 3 hours. I fucking hate pretending like I'm okay. FOR THE FUCKING HOURS. I'm so exhausted and I just want to be held. And I want to throw my laptop out the window and never have to open it again. But things are going to be the same exact way tomorrow. I have exactly the same schedule. I hate this job and I want to leave it but I need the money. Fuck this.

I also got hit really bad with longing for my family to accept me. I have one (1) family member who sees me as a woman and they barely talk to me anymore. I message her a bunch of stuff over several months and at some point she responds to everything in one fell swoop and then the cycle repeats. We don't talk. I fucking love this family member so fucking much but we don't talk. I feel so alone and I wish I had family. I really wish I had one fucking family member I could actually talk to who actually cared about me. I want to be loved and I want to be cared about, but literally 0 of my own family want anything to do with me. This is nothing new. It's just hitting me really hard today. :::

::: spoiler irrelevant nonsense I'm just yapping

It is surreal to watch the "chair guy" meme that has recently gone viral. The one where this artwork gets editted with other people/characters. I've even seen edits of "chair guy" being replaced by fucking jeffrey epstien and diddy which is how you know this shit has gone too far.

If you want to know why this shit is surreal, here is the origination of the meme

1. Shitty chinese video game called "jian wang 3" exists
2. One of the talented players named Ibuki Satsuki makes a collection of webcomics about featuring characters and random situations
3. One of these side characters is "Sun Tuo" (a doctor who is the master of the MC of the fan comic) and has a scene where he is sleeping in a chair
4. Ibuki Satsuki decides to make the "chair guy" artwork I showed earlier in this comment, which is basically a colored+scaled version of that sleeping panel
5. The reverend insanity fandom (yes, they are involved) steals this fucking artwork and somehow believed that this art was of the protagonist of reverend insanity (I also thought this for the longest time and was waiting for this scene to show up in the webnovel. It never came 0_0). The fandom is so convinced of this "fact" that they use this art to represent the novel.
6. The artwork becomes increasingly popular, escaping into the webnovel community due to the popularity of reverend insanity.
7. From there it escapes containment into other communities related to comics and novels and whatnot. People make edits with other characters
8. Somehow even that isn't enough for containment and the art breaks out into tiktok! This is where the meme becomes fully unhinged and we're well beyond stage 4 of baudriard's classification.
9. Stage 9 is reserved for when a sitting US congressman edits himself onto that fucking chair.

:::

down with cis

What do I even do about a passport? Suck it up and get a male one? Try to wait until 2029 and hope a new administration is in charge?

Vaccinated and caffeinated, I feel invincible.

Got through like all of sonics campaign in sonic rush without even knowing of the side kick, wtf dead line act 2 I thought was just impossible but nope I been playing it wrong this whole time

Can anybody recommend a good trans movie? There must be more than The Matrix and I Saw The TV Glow.

If I want to run away from my parents I can always just sign up for the summer school programs

Just wish they were longer and more intense so I don't have any time to myself. That way I don't have time to think the bad thoughts.

cooked for the first time in awhile and it was both easy and delicious, we are so fucking back

::: spoiler T-phobia venting

Isn't it wonderful that the only person I'm regularly meeting with is still being a transphobic shit?

Like I didn't think it'd bother me but it kinda does. The other day he told me that I'd be sad about the side effects of citalopram because it'd give me ED and make it impossible to "do [my] daily jerking off" and called me a pervert as well.

And he refused to believe that I wouldn't be sad about getting ED even though it's fucking obvious why I wouldn't be.

Although I didn't have to entertain his disgusting bs at all to be honest.

Why the fuck is this the person I've shared so much information with?

:::

::: spoiler content warning

::: spoiler medical injuries

Shoutout to that time a trans girlie popped her breast bud and posted about it on reddit instead of like, going to the doctor ASAP.

And yes I mean she popped it with physical force by accident.

(Well at least that's what she claimed, idk how breast buds work)

:::

I’d like to be okay, thanks.

oi lad, you got a buttah spud for me

Deez

::: spoiler dysphoria I feel so incredibly dysphoric all the time. I can't describe what this is like.

Its everything. It feels so hopeless.

I wish I could know what I'd look/sound like in a few years so I could know if putting myself through this is even worth it. If I'm still going to feel disgusting and miserable (like I think I will) I may as well just wrap it up now. :::

Happy May Day to you all! If you're at work today, slack off extra hard for me >:)

In spirit of labor day let me recall a conversation I overheard:

".... proletariat" (this is where I was activated like a sleeper agent)

"In in my view, back in Germany, that word means to me someone who has money but no cultural standards"

This is the nation which once produced Karl Marx.

The hard part about shopping is that when you get there you keep making plausible excuses like the "the price is too high" and say there's too few options even though you're avoiding most of the femme clothes out of embarrassment.

::: spoiler discussion of depression but not depressing if you know what I mean

You'll be glad to know that after crying a lot in the morning and calling myself a piece of shit, I went on a long walk, did some work and am going to go shoping for casual femme clothes because I need to stop being depressed all the time.

Yesterday night I also took anti-depressants and I'll get back on them.

:::

::: spoiler cw: sex talk I was sexting with this girl and I got WET? WTF I did not expect this :::

I wish I wasn't a bad person, not enough to do anything about it but its not my favorite thing ever.

I think I will blame society because A) it is their fault and B) that's what a bad person would do

Me eating a party sized package of mega stuf oreos by myself

Today was like the best day I had in a couple months. Things seem to be going well

::: spoiler content warning

::: spoiler depress, suicide

I'm very good at coping so I don't notice this often but the baseline level of thoughts I have are just really bad.

Like we're talking "puts down the phone due to boredom, what's the first thing you think of" kinda baseline thoughts.

I'll paraphrase my inner voice:

earlier this year your 'suicide attempt' was chickenshit and you weren't serious. It doesn't count. You should actually try and be serious.

And it's true no? I didn't really try all that seriously. It was too easy to give up. Too much time to turn back.

::: spoiler I'm tired.

I'm so fucking tired. Being suicidal and dysphoric is an all consuming state of being. I just want to be freed. I want to kill myself so I stop thinking about killing myself. I don't want to be overcome by fear anymore, but my brain keeps giving me daydreams of my death.

It feels like the end of my life is already here and the reaper is just stuck in traffic. You see, the afterlife runs on american carbrain. It's hell after all (where I'm going).

Before you tell me to go see a psychologist, I've already gone. So many times. I don't want to anymore. It just makes it worse. I have bad associations with that clinic now.

:::

:::

::: spoiler nsfw topic mention :)

I had a really dumb daydream where I hire a sex worker to teach me how to do makeup. Not sure why my mind went to "sex worker" when a youtube tutorial would have sufficed. Do I just want interaction and am afraid of making new friends and approaching people? Hmmm, yes.

:::

They call me Kamiina Broketan the way I wanna go out drinking with gay women but can't afford it

Closing my commenting on this mega to say I just barely got my injection in before midnight

::: spoiler health issues and venting

Constantly being sick, stressed (uni), dreadfilled (from family) psudeo-insomniac, depressed, not taking my anti-depressants (could there be a correlation???).

It's all taking a toll on my sanity.

:::

I just keep one at a time getting into all th stereotypical trans girl interests/things i never used to be into before, latest one is age regressing is p fun

::: spoiler cw

::: spoiler depress

Back to feeling like "I'm sorry I was born" type shit. It's not just sad, but also dumb. Being born literally isn't my mistake. Can't my depression mantras be more logical? You'd think that an engineering brain would produce more logical self-loathing like "I calculated my bum factor and it's at 78%"

:::

Earlier in my transition I felt embarrassed about becoming like my mom, or about the idea of becoming a mother. At some point along a switch flipped in me and I'm fine with it. I'm glad it did.

The idea of making or at least designing an ac system for a building would feel both daunting but also amazing, it's all a series of calculations looking up materials and charts and making the numbers fit with what you can get as close to as possible. I'm still practicing with each small step but I know I'll get there and maybe I'll be designing some venting system for a mall or something.

The rate of learning this is def backwards from what I hear people start as helpers on projects but seeing as I still can't find work learning all this is my cope to keep the dream going. I don't want this to be all for nothing

happy beltane to y'all for those who celebrate 🔥

You ... yes you!

You are a true proletarian cutie patotie!

::: spoiler Tap for spoiler

Thinking about what a lifetime of torture staying in the closet would be, even my guilt ridden and psychologically disturbed brain finds it to be a severely disproportionate punishment to my crimes.

Like cmon, at most I deserve 10 years of torture. That's fair. Anymore is pushing it.

:::

Can't believe I'm getting university credits for taking glorified personality tests and glorified hanging out with people and glorified ass-kissing/begging/corruption (they call it a part of your "self-assessment" and "professional skills" and "networking").

::: spoiler lil-bit more venting

::: spoiler body image issues

Great thing is that my body image has been ruined again and I'm super self concious again.

Felt like calling myself a lesbian made me "perverted".

:::

::: spoiler spoiler holy shit I feel terrible. I really can't think how else to describe this. I am doing awful. :::

::: spoiler content warning

::: spoiler eating disorder

Well so it's probably the case that occasionally skipping meals doesn't help reset my apetite it just super charges it. And very often I do feel like I have a super charged apetite and eat tons of junk and feel like shit (mentally, physically not so much).

Instead of skipping meals I'll make a rule of only eating 1 item per meal. Even if it's a small item or snack, then bam, that's 1/3 daily items. Probably a better strategy than the alternative.

:::

Earlier, I got pulled on stage to put manacles on a strongwoman so she could break out of them. On one hand, , but on the other hand, I kinda dislike that she pulled me up because I look dommy because that's not really how I want to be perceived.

Matching :beanis: socks