HELLO THIS IS THE MEGA SIGN UP POST/LIST POST

if you have a preferred week please tell me

GayTuckerCarlson* (4/13 - 4/19)
Busgirl (4/20 - 4/26)
SwitchyandWitchy* (4/27 - 5/3)
Disaster_of_Passion* (5/4 - 5/10)
sodium_nitride* (5-11 - 5/17)
peanutbuttercupola* (5/18 - 5/24)
Shaleesh* (5/25 - 5/31)

​ * after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters

I HATE MEN!

I hate when they feel entitled to touch me, especially because its usually gendered and feels like how a guy would touch another guy. I'm pretty sure if I said something at least the most common offender would stop but I'm really bad at sticking up for myself and making things weird

I also hate how they talk about women! Stop objectifying women to me! I am not your friend in this!

Think I fuckin hate the term “identify as.” Like a lot. Kinda prefer “am” tbh.

Another wonderful day I get to be a trans woman 🏳️‍⚧️

I look so fucking cute today

I think my mom can feel my chest/bra when we hug. She seemed kinda sad when I left her place today. Didn't stop her from he/himming me all the way through, though. Now that she's done with her big test I'm gonna figure out a time to tell her what she has already probably put together.

And her reaction will be entirely her own concern. I am done letting other people tell me who I am when they so obviously don't know

Best thing about hosting a trans megathread is looking forward to the notifications which are nearly always going to be thoughtful, interesting, funny, creative, kind, etc. Not to glaze you all or anything, but trans people really are wonderful and trans communities are objectively far better than your average cis-dominated internet spaces.

Living w family is kinda like if there was a parasite in my brain sucking off energy, and thats even when my parents arent like, overtly transphobic

my gender is meow meow, i'm just in a very meow meow time of my life

Had a scare that the surgeon I'm working with now was going to back out like the last one did. I got a message from someone on the care team asking if we could find time to call this week and my heart sunk. Thankfully, they were just asking if I was still willing to meet with a therapist at the hospital.

I say thankfully, but that comes with it's own issues. I'll just have to trust that my words will be interpreted in good faith. They've given me no reason to doubt that, but still, I'm pretty wary of therapists these days.

Almost started crying when the call was done lol. I've dealt with so much heartbreak from people letting me down in the last few years, I really hope it doesn't happen again.

Made my first appointment for gender-affirming care today! It isn't until November I live in a state that wants me to die but on a blue-island that accepts trans folk for now at least

MY GIRL CLOTHES ARE HEEEEERE.

I got a super cool shirt that is super my style and I feel really good wearing it. I got some accessories, a moon necklace, a little bracelet, some cool spiderweb gloves.

AND, I got PANTIES. Boyshorts (so I can pretend they're just regular men's underwear) but still panties.

::: spoiler talking about my body parts I tried on the panties and WOW, they made me look HOT. They're not for people who have a penis, but it felt comfortable, and I don't mind the bulge, anyone who's going to see me in underwear is probably not going to mind it either. And it makes me feel cute and hot and not dysphoric AF like using regular men's underwear.

When I can, I'll get some more feminine ones, it'll feel nice, I'm sure. :::

Chat I may be cuter today than I've ever been

Trans girl defies stereotypes by being ass at video games

Best part about hormones will always be that I feel emotions so clearly now. There's no internal repression anymore. That wall is gone and I don't feel like a soulless husk like I did in the latter stages of my bachelor degree.

Of course, life is still tough. I'm still boymodding. And much of what I feel is sadness. Still. I prefer this to what things were like before.

Happy International Ace Day!

An older cis man I saw at work said it was rare to see a woman as tall as me.

He seemed so sincere, I think this himbo had genuinely never heard of trans people.

Just did my first injection! I was so scared id fuck up lolll but YAYYY

Girl who salutes the flag out of respect except it's the trans flag

Had my last voice training session recently. Half a year that flew by way too quick. My voice is in a good place, and if I wanted to adjust it later, I have the knowledge and tools to do that. My SLP was fantastic, she took my previous self-training attempts and tied them together into a complete voice. We got along well too, maybe too well as sometimes our little pre-lesson chats started to encroach on the lessons themselves. It went from like a couple minutes in the beginning to like 15 mins+ towards the end. The last couple sessions were 30 min chats which at that point I was just going to the appointment to talk with her. So while I'm sad that we don't have the sessions any more, probably not the greatest thing to use up insurance resources and her time just to indulge a crush.

As I was leaving, I told her I enjoyed talking to her and now that I'm no longer a patient, I would love to reconnect later and gave her my info and then hastily adding that I understand if this is a boundary or not like allowed, I won't be hurt if my info goes in the trash [lie]. She said something like "I love that you did this, I won't be throwing this away" and seemed to genuinely be receptive so uh... maybe interesting things are awaiting me in the future?

Becoming an expert on a bunch of states’ antitrans laws so I don’t get arrested for shitting while traveling ✨✨😇✨✨

I don't understand loyalty to parents or family that are hateful. There are circumstances where some people have to stay in contact for financial reasons, but outside of that, just let them go. There's going to be an awkward transition period, but eventually the gaps fill in with better people.

I'm appreciative of everyone in my life.

::: spoiler cars, angerposting Oh my FUCKING god I hate cars so much. I was walking around my neighborhood and some piece of shit driving antiparallel to me sped up and swerved in my direction and back just to watch me jump. This is now the second time fucks in cars have done this to me. Last time I was riding my bike through a residential street on my way back from school.

Haha funny joke real classy move. I've already been thrown into an intersection by a car and another time was within inches of being hit by a sportscar speeding through my old neighborhood. Holy fucking shit cars suck so much dear god. Why the hell can I not take a walk through my own freaking neighborhood without some shit threatening me with their deathtrap? :::

Yesss MUDs were my earliest form of gender experimentation. I wouldn't have called it that at the time because I was very much "still cis tho"

I remember inviting one of my friends on one time and realizing "oh fuck literally every single one of my characters is a woman how do I explain this? "

It baffles me I never once gave myself a reason why EVERY single new character I made was a woman. It was just something I did for "no reason at all" until all of a sudden everything made sense years later.

Anywho I'll probably join AwakeMUD later today

for real though, i think my gender feels intrinsically entertwined with being a furry like i just made a major breakthrough with my sona the other day and i'm genuinely feeling very euphoric about it like that's just me!!!

My cool new pants arrived and now I am a goth girl

So at work there's a bisexual cis person who is a strong Trans Ally, but who I noticed degenders, trans people...

...but then I noticed they also degender cis people, and after some gentle probing about pronouns they said "I just wish everyone would use they/them, I wish I could just use they/them all the time".

Oh honey.

I think we might have got them

I'm not saying I'm gonna wear a dress to my friend's birthday party on Saturday

But I'm also not not saying it

Up with trans!

I'm literally so pretty, I love being trans so much. I love my gay little life. I've never been happier than now, like even as a little kid

I feel so fucking cute wearing my dress today. I need to get out of the closet soon so I can wear it out.

Nonbinary life has been going well. I was kind of worried that my dysphoria was tied to my seasonal depression, but actually I can still see it pretty clearly now. I guess that inner work is paying off. That is good progress even though it sounds like bad news lol

Hope you all are safe and well

::: spoiler dysphoria, beardshit My roomie, completely unasked, told me I'd "pass" better if I shaved more often. And like I know I don't look like a girl most days, if ever. But shaving gives me so much dysphoria that I avoid it a lot, and then the beard hair itself gives me dysphoria, and it's just this unrelenting cycle. I need to figure out electrolysis. But anyway yeah I feel shitty today :::

Sewing is amazing! By sewing, I was able to not look like an idiot wearing torn clothes! Cause I sewed the torn seams. Maybe being a seamstress is in my stars (it's not, threading needles is so hard)

::: spoiler men being creeps answered the phone at work today and this guy who sounded like he was twice my age said "Hey beautiful" and now I regret ever doing any voice training. I would have been less grossed out if he took a shit in my mouth what the actual fuck. :::

the one cool thing about my throat muscles tightening whenever im stressed or upset is that my voice deepens significantly. I read about taxes and suddenly ive got a super deep voice. ehehehe

Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles

-Pythagoras

i came here a few days ago expressing a lot of doubts. the thing that cleared them all away was a simple haircut lol

Tap quickly to increase my affection meter! --->

Tramgender

I used to play the Wheel of Time MUD back in the day, and apparently it is still active. Now I'm considering installing Mudlet and playing it again, even though I don't have time.

Anecdote time: long before I came out as trans, or even really knew what trans was, my character in WoT was a "boy" who discovered she was actually a girl because she channeled saidar, not saidin.

::: spoiler bottom surgery updates (horny) Soon... soon I will be able to fuck myself with my vibe... soon

Everything healed well, no pain, no discharge, nothing. Theres a couple scars but I did silicone gel and theyre vanishing quite a bit. :::

sitting next to closest friend at work

she turns the fan on

it kinda kicks up her scent into the air around us

i'd forgotten how much I like the way she smells

not perfume or anything, just her

organic but not musty or pungent or anything—the word that comes to mind is "vital"

head a little fuzzy until she turns it off because it got too cold

helpppppp

Everything is bad and scary and weird im in a nightmare but its real i need a hug (10-15 minutes later) i still need a hug but i feel basically ok now

Discworld MUD is really good! If anybody ends up playing and needs help getting acquainted lmk!

how common is it to know what your alternative chosen baby name is? my hypothesis is that it's more likely for gen x and elder millennials because our parents didn't know the baby's sex ahead of time

and i'm sure not everyone's parents tell them what their alternative name is. i know the most common is choosing your feminized (or masculinized) current name

i can't reveal my name for opsec but it is veeeeery different then my legal name (and deadname to some). really boring but it fits me because it can be shortened to be femme, masc, or andro

I saw a thread about MUDs and then Ctrl+F for RuneScape. For those like minded individuals, don't worry, I have you covered.

RuneScape is a MUD and it was good. It's now the world's most expensive MUD, but it's the quintessential one in my mind.

You forgot about the MUX. Never been sure what the X stands for, but I used to spend a ton of time on Sailor Moon MUXes

::: spoiler transmed, r*ddit I did a search for a trans related thing and accidentally stumbled into a subreddit explicitly dedicated to transmedicalism as a "safe space" cause I guess they're unwelcome in trans spaces or whatever. Wtf. Actually.

Anyway, once again, I'm happy to be in this tiny corner of the internet where there's cool people and kits and pups and things and the like and we don't try to gatekeep each other's transness :::

Is anyone is struggling with a family member treating you like shit but you feeling like you owe them because of what they did for you (very specific situation, I know, but my parents' number 1 tactic is guilt tripping)?

If so, I have advice for you. Do not ask what they did for you. Ask yourself if you are willing to treat your family or friends like this.

As much as I feel obligated to my parents because I still love them, I would never treat my own children like this and if I did I would consider myself a failure of a parent.

ⓘ This user is suspected of being a cat. Please report any suspicious behavior.

Library was full of kids because Lego day and I got to use one of my cloth masks that has silver and copper in it, it was kinda weird ngl but I recommend them if you are interested 😷

::: spoiler dysphoria

My dysphoria usually comes as a pre-prepared scenario of "look at what you'll never have".

I recently had a day dream of being like this sexy girl travelling through europe in hostels, hooking up with random guys along the way, bonding over vintage music, exploring hidden catacombs and uncovering a hidden conspiracy.

And yeah, that won't be me.

:::

I put slightly more effort into my outfit today than I usually do and got complimented on it by the first person I spoke to while out and about today. Perhaps I should do this more often. Imagine if I could get good

::: spoiler ''friend'' drama ig it's like, some really advanced white dude bullshit to ask a girl "hey I can tell you're feeling bad, I'm sorry what's up?" and then when she tells you be like "oh I made you feel bad, nevermind your feelings aren't valid and you're wrong actually I did exactly what you wanted" :::

Leaving work in less than an hour. Probably just gonna get under the covers and stay there for the night

So, a friend of mine was streaming Night in the Woods and we finished it two days ago and i'm still blown away by what a perfect metaphor it is that ::: spoiler Spoiler there's a death cult of conservative uncles that see all the material problems of Possum Springs and are unable to think of any other solution to the ravages of neoliberalism than to throw undesirables into a bottomless hole as sacrifices to their eldritch deity. Oh, and then they get trapped alive in a mineshaft and are left to die like

Also lmao Germ just casually shrugging and saying "i got dynamite" when he's asked to close off the well in his back yard. Wonderful game, really. Yes, a lot of the characters are messy and complicated and i'd be low key worried to be around them irl, but i can't fault them for being intense when they've grown up under conditions like that. During the epilogue, when we took our last tour through Towne Centre, i was honestly scared if somebody would be missing bc we left them in the mineshaft, and it was a relief to see that everything was alright with the folks there. :::

::: spoiler Quantum physics fun fact (I guess? I just did my exam today):

In quantum information communications, we can achieve (near) perfect security regardless of how good any eavesdropper's computer is!

This is done by sharing quantum states rather than classical ones. The difference is that quantum states cannot be copy pasted.

Any hacker trying to litsen to your communications will be exposed, because the correct person who was supposed to recieve the info won't recieve the information. Nothing a hacker can do will allow them to copy paste that information and pretend the communication is untapped.

In QKD (quantum key distribution), we make this principle even smarter. We use quantum communication to share encryption keys. Let the hacker litsen to the communication now! Any pieces of the key they pick up, we will forget about. Any pieces they don't pick up will go to the target who will use them to build the encryption key.

Then we use that encryption key to encrypt our data and send it on a normal fiber.

Wait, why do this round about way? If we were just going to encrypt the data and send it on a non-quantum channel, what was the point of the quantum channel?

It's because with this method you can practically share symmetric keys. Using special methods (such as "one time pad"), you can use symmetric keys for absolutely perfect encryption.

Without the QKD stuff, the only fooproof ways to share symmetric keys is to do just stuff take a USB filled with them, drive to the person you want to talk to and hand it over.

How good is this system? They use it to run the geneva elections

:::

I don't feel any connection with my current name. I don't feel connection with the femininized version either. I can't think of any new names that I feel describe me.

Honestly wish I was nameless. Wish I just had like titles or roles that people called me by.

Maybe this too is a form of dysphoria? But even in my self insert fantasies I hate having a defined identity. I really do wish I were a nameless shapeshifter.

Life is so miserable and... unsatisfying. And lonely. So, so sick of feeling like shit.

I have a call tomorrow morning about my summer gig. It doesn't pay as well as I'd hoped. A tiny bit better then my current place. But its closer and a change of scenery I guess. I've been thinking all day about if I even want to bother because the pay is only like a dollar an hour better. Unfortunately I don't want to do anything so I haven't made much headway. Leaning towards picking up at least some hours there and seeing how it is. Honestly don't have high hopes for it being better then my current shit.

Fuck life is such shit.

I'm such a wide leg pant girlie :) which is so surprising to me because I overcorrected into slimmer pants as a teen and early 20s because I was afraid of looking frumpy. Turns out it's an easy way to look like I have hips and a waist!

down with cis

Found out that if you drink too much you throw up at the club and make an utter fool of yourself in front of your best friend who you're also maybe in love with.

::: spoiler spoiler Wish I had the courage to kill myself. I wish I didn't have to wake up tomorrow :::

I feel rejuvenated and like I can actually do this transition thing. I'd been kinda coasting through doing very little to feel comfortable with myself because I think at a certain level I didn't actually believe I could do it. I was kind of dreading the warmer weather 'cause I didn't know what I was going to wear, but I took a leap of faith and got some skirts and stuff at a thrift shop and now after yesterday I feel like I have the confidence in myself to actually transition the way I want

I'm out here kiwimaxxing (having a kiwi as dessert before bedtime) hell yeah

okay so overdoing it and throwing up the first time I've drank more than a sip in 5 years isn't the end of the world, right? and in all likelihood my friend doesn't think less of me for it? would you all think less of someone in that situation?

I think I'll try and join AwakenMUD.

ⓘ This user is suspected of being a cat. Please report any suspicious behavior.

::: spoiler voice dysphoria Voice dysphoria has me all fucked up again.

Its weird to think about how foreign a concept this is to cis people, I've talked with a couple about it and they seem to genuinely just not understand the discomfort and pain at all. Like I get they aren't going to feel it but I expected it to be understandable on the level of say, bottom dysphoria. Although tbf I have not and probably will not talk about that with the cis.

But yea, its rough, idk :/ :::

Went out dancing for the first time since surgery. Ive lost so much fitness and cardio 😩 I used to be able to do this from like 10 pm to 3 am and then go to after hours, but today Im sore all over

I have had such a weird week mentally. And just in general at least.

I probably shouldn't name them but I was a coder/wizard on several and an admin on a pretty popular MUD.

The best of days

French Netflix animated originals be like:

BeauxJacque Cheveauxman

Had a hummingbird bird flew next to me twice, it's humming as it beat its wings was magical

Been feeling great putting together outfits lately, but my shoe game is so weak 😭 Wearing my flowy alternative summer diva outfit paired with Tims was not the look. Gotta get me some chunky bratz sandals. I still felt fantastic once the shoes came off though 🙂

I must admit. I have ... mommy issues ... and daddy issues.

I'm the chosen one yes, as the prophecies fortold. Duel wielding freudian fixations and partaker of 2 genders.

(Yes, I still consider myself gender fluid. But since gender is a practice and I'm not practicing femininity, my opinion on this doesn't yet count)

::: spoiler my morning Wake up again. Put on some music. Cry about how bad transphobia towards trans women is. Not cut out for this. Think about the last time everyone tried to encourage me to voice train. Cry. Think about how horrible and upsetting voice training is. More hopelessness at my situation. Wonder if I'm going to see my favorite coworker this weekend. I often do once a month but worry I might not. Think about how stupid that is. I just want to whine at her about how awful I feel. I actually have nothing good to talk to her about. I wish I could just be normal. Have something good to say. Cry more. Think about how annoying I must have been when I'd "reach out" and message people about my problems. Think about a project I'm working on. Just need to clean it up a bit. God I wish I could fall back to sleep. Think about how alone and broken I am. :::

Supposedly getting a job offer soon, they want me on but haven't figured out what they'll pay me. Something for the summer. Honestly hate it at my current job and anticipate hating it there too. Just hope they pay a bit better.

I'm reaching levels of degen hitherto unknown... Sapphic SFW audios

Somehow feels even more pathetic than the smutty stuff. Benefit is that I can listen to the F4F ones and just ignore... that, whereas there's really no way around it with the smut

::: spoiler well, day is now over Crying more. Hate my stupid life. :::

Anyway been looking at a lot of travel stuff, I want to soo badly. Not sure how that would actually work with being trans. Passports, meds, safety, idk. Its something I really want though. I do technically have savings if I wanted to figure something out

I want to try thrift-shopping clothes and making them goth, or just making stuff from scratch. I want to make some type of mesh/string for gloves/bracelets/garters or whatever that looks like thorny vines, no idea how to start on that, but I want to try thinking it up.

lately i've been feeling like maybe it was an error to choose an ancient Mesopotamian war goddess as my patron Goddess (praise be to my Queen)

did we all pick up on Ishtar/Inanna/Astarte together and manifest this shit and now we're seeing what happens when a Goddess awakens and is super pissed off?

A turtleneck might fix me

Okay I think I've pulled myself out of this funk. I'm at least in the process of it. The anxiety has largely subsided and I was able to pull myself together and do a night of self care, which really did wonders. I finally feel like I'm in my own skin again after exfoliating, shaving, and moisturizing. I feel soft and clean and smooth.

I need a backpack for work, the one they gave me is uncomfortable and bleh. But I want it to be something that can

1. Hold up to a 15" laptop
2. Have patches sewn onto it
3. be at at least a little cute, or at minimum try to not be the blandest techworker looking thing in existence

Somehow finding that while keeping it to like $50 range is impossible

I would also like a cute Xenia plushie, but I cannot for the life of me find one

chasing the multi user dragon

My therapist did not know who Kafka is! I even went "Kafka? The Metamorphosis? Guy turns into a bug?" NOTHING

Tbf I've never read him but like I know the gist...

What was everyone's favorite MUD. I spent way way too long playing Achaea, it was genuinely formative for me

It's so frustrating feeling like shit all the time because I genuinely believe this is the best it's going to get. And I can't even fucking enjoy it. Life is such bullshit.

best because of climate change/quality of living/politics*

Everything is such a god awful mess in my life right now (my fault + 100% deserved) in every aspect.

Also, I'll probably quit SSRIs for now. I have too many exams, and this headache + nausea combo is nasty.

I just closed all the tabs on my phone browser like 5 minutes ago and it's actually giving me anxiety about the tabs that I lost. Why must we be like this?

It prob all depends right but gonna try joining a union soon for HVAC, has other professions too like plumbing, as an apprentice and I'm wondering how in do I need to be before I can start painting my nails again. Also looking forward to having money for nice vegan nail polish.

I am so very nearly someone who plays MUDs for someone who never has lmao. Really should check them out, I think they’d be very much my speed.

Had a dream where I did femme things from my culture. Like wearing sarees, and tying rakhi knots. It made me realise that even beyond just my immediate family, I'll never participate in my own culture due to my extended family being ultraconservative.

You might think that I could do all that stuff on my own, but a huge portion Indian femme activities are highly social affairs. You're supposed to do it with your mom, 4 aunties, grandmas, random ladies you never met before, the neighbour is also involved for some reason.

Of course, I could still like wear traditional femme dresses, but I feel so traumatised about it. I couldn't stop thinking about all the things. In my dream I felt free and happy. No repression. But it wasn't real.

I wish everything was different and instead of being miserable and hopeless I was happy.

I was going to make a list but it is not worth it. Its everything.

I don't know what I can even do

Kinda sad that the only text games I've ever played are smutty and single player.

I never got into gaming as a hobby. Picking up reading was the thing for me (yes, I'm reading another web novel now)

I'm starting to see the beauty in having pouches especially when organizing things in my bag now, it just makes pulling things out so much easier

Dude being drunk is sick. I should be like this all the time. Who needs inhibitions? I'm so much better this way. Plus it dulls the pain of maybe being in love with my best friend

Hair care always pmo because it always feels a little tangled or not the perfect texture or just off in general. Like I washed it last night and it was perfectly combed and then I brushed it this morning but running my fingers through it now there's a bunch of little places its snagging. FML

You ever notice how there were a couple measures passed to curb insider trading by members of congress and then, just a few months later, polymarket becomes a dominant force in our society?

Aparantly my municipality is doing experimental mental health interviews, and I participated in one. It was surprisingly nice. Kinda like a low stakes therapy session? With 2 practitioners at once.

Best part? Since it's in the experimental stage it's free. Thank the heavens! I have 4 bucks in my account right now.

Random meme time to lighten the mood (I say fully aware of the content warning I had to put )

::: spoiler cw:dying

:::

Things are generally going well, minus a death in the family of a great cousin that's sitting oddly death, religious cult, and existentialism, more than usual

::: spoiler spoiler So my great cousin died a week ago of both cancer and heart issues in her mid 60s, which hits odd since she was unhealthy when she was young but turned into a health guru, but sadly religious zealot sort as she got older. She was also in some kind of super strict religious cult the past 20yrs or so, RL version of 'the church down the road with a mere 6 people, those are heretics, we are the true 4!' like half the punchline to the man traveling in the Andes with his llama joke, her friend/handler at the cult handled all her finances etc for about that time and kept family away from her. All her money etc went to them.

Now the parts that get me, so she was in hospice and the cult members didn't visit her once, my aunt tried to visit her but found her totally disoriented and confused, she didn't realize that was due to the heavy medication. A bit later dad and I go to offer some support and the nursing staff at hospice spill the beans that minus my aunt no one else had visited her, like at all. All she did for that 'church' and they did nothing, cult they are, my dad and I are aware to that. I guess we came in before medication because she was at a full AO4 which was startling based on my aunt's description, idk what to say whatsoever, and my dad just spoke about some random health troubles of his own, not really having a good topic of conversation neither and being in the same boat. She was weak but was able to tell us what happened, apparently a cancer from her 20s returned.

Then due to work scheduling etc no one was able to visit again, and sure enough she died. Only visited twice and that just got me. Her funeral is coming up and the whole thing like bothers me, we weren't close whatsoever and she only had some contact with my uncle and aunt though mostly they'd only fight about her being in her cult vs my uncle being a deist and then her only conversation with my aunt was trying to get her to join the cult. The funeral is coming up idk what to expect.

:::

ah, to go back and experience Left Hand Of Darkness for the first time again. Knowing absolutely nothing about it, and having the story call you out in strong bolded letters : this is for you. This story is actually about you

:::spoiler cw ablist language (self directed)

I love my job. Its the only thing keeping me going right now. The promise of another tomorrow, a tomorrow where I can afford to eat food and buy nice things for myself. But the rest of my life outside of work? Real hit or miss. Pretty sure the girl I'm kinda sorta seeing thinks I'm a wackjob now and doesn't know how to interact with me. And. Idk. I'm tired of being vulnerable. I'm tired of people seeing me for who I am. Cause that person? That person is fucking crazy. I was talking about my processes, and like, there's dissociative stuff, and I dont think she understands it at all (I mean fuck I dont even understand it) and I'm pretty sure I freaked her out and I just, idk. I just, I'm tired of being vulnerable. Im tired of being around people. I want to be held, I want to be in community, but fuck, I just want everyone to go away. There is no unconditional love or support in this world. And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of this world. I'm tired. I just. I'm tired. I want this all to end.

Lol I made a comment saying that I had no internal repression anymore. Now I have a comment about a dream where I was happy and free and didn't feel repressed.

This clearly shows that I'm actually a CIA agent who can't keep her stories straight.

(It actually means I still don't understand myself well enough)

god I love fantasizing, this shit is great when its something I want.

Wanna get some earings but I couldn't hide the piercings from my parents. I was thinking some sort of cyan colored spheres (I want cyan to be my color pallette) and I'd match them up with cyan nail polish.

Alas, wearing a ripped dirty grey boymodding depression jacket is my destiny.

muds sound really fun! never heard of them at all before and now i really want to try playing so thanks for sharing :o

Thinking of not going to my group anymore. Really disappointing because I wanted this to work out and be good. But idk. I don't feel like I'm getting what I wanted out of it, I don't feel comfortable talking about my issues either.

I don't know what I'm looking for because I do still feel like I want to go and whatever, but I don't know.

Life is often disappointing.

Channeling my /r/smutttt skills with a TRUE story from last night

Seeing some independent theater with a few friends

Black box setup, intimate, holds maybe 80 people max

We sidle into our row of cramped seats

I'm next to my close friend (the one who smells nice)

she helps me take off my jacket, exposing the sweetheart neckline of the top I'm wearing underneath

Suddenly very aware of how much skin it shows

And how she said I looked beautiful when we met up at the theater

And then, after we sit down, the way our shoulders brush together

As the show progresses I feel myself shift closer to her

Like an asteroid trapped in her orbit

out of the corner of my eye I see her move

Her arm wraps around the back of my seat

My heartbeat quickens, breath too

Can hardly pay attention to the next few scenes

After a while she takes her arm back

Immediately despondent, wondering what I did wrong

Try to focus on the show

Not long after I hear her whisper

Don't quite catch it at first, ask her to repeat

"Is it okay if I put my arm here?"

I nod way too vigorously, she puts it back, I'm in heaven

She alternates throughout the rest of the show, provoking the most ridiculous mood swings in me

Wish I could just tell her to come back

Or move her arm around my shoulder

Show ends, somehow everything is back to normal

I'm so cooked dude this girl has a boyfriend... who I'm meeting tonight!!!

It wasn't a fluke the first time. I got horny again earlier today. Have I always had this capability??

I used to play one called CLOK that has skill progression tied to skill use, a deep focus on crafting, and a unique history/lore in a fascinating gaslamp/steampunk/wild west setting. It's now got a sister MUD from the same developer, COGG, that's even more focused on player-driven mechanics. They're not really listed on most MUD sites, so I try to tell people about them when I can, because I've never seen another MUD like it.

(Math) education is so fundamentally unfixable under capitalism fucking hell

I'd be recovered from my cough if it weren't for me being unable to sleep more than 3 hours a day for the past week

::: spoiler suicide thoughts Life is just so miserable and hopeless. I have no hope of feeling happy or comfortable or satisfied with this wretched body. Fuck my life. It is so, so depressing to have my life ruined this way. I wish I could cry but tears won't even come.

there's no point in reaching out to anyone. Last time I did she tried giving me hope and it didn't work. Nothing ever works. Not permanently. Life just sucks. Horrible.

I was thinking and I was like oh, I maybe I should think about more positive things of how life could be. It's just escapism. Just deludjng myself with shit that won't happen. I can't work any harder to get there. I can't do enough. I don't even think all the effort in the world could fix it but I literally can't even put that in.

I just need to kill myself. Get out of this fucking life. I hate it every day. Suffering every day. Why the fuck :::

Put on some of my new clothes, put together a look.

My mom says I look like a warrior(?).

I'm wearing cargo pants with chains, a moon shape necklace, a t-shirt, my all-star boots and spiderweb patterned gloves. WTF do you mean with warrior??? Do I look like some edgy RPG character?

I played these before Ultima Online came out. I was baffled that nobody seemed to actually play the game but just seemed to want to talk about bullshit. What you were "supposed" to do was make it to level 50 and then you would be a wizard and could create your own game content. I didn't want to do that! I just wanted to play video games! In a new and exciting way, over telnet on this new internet thing. The loss of the text-based internet was something we'll never get over. The worldwide web and its consequences have been a disaster for the human race.

:3c

It sinks closer and closer now with my chance at actually working hvac how damn expensive it all is, okay just on parts even not using OEM having shit be in the hundreds minimum is and some of the quotes I'm seeing for installing and designing shit is actual money. I got an udemy account thanks to my library and been enrolling in courses there on design and engineering for one day just being able to make something.

So I’m looking at options for movies to show on blorp this Friday, and there’s one im considering called… F.A.R.T. The Movie

I love showing slop, but I’m worried this might be 2 sloppy 4 blorp. Or would it? Someone please talk me out of (or into) showing this steaming hot garbage pile of a movie.

"My name is MUD", I may not be Trans, but I am very interested in MUDs. How is it I never found my way into a MUD before? I have no idea. Shadowrun always sounded cool, so I think I'll check out AwakeMUD.

Megathread

Given the main topic: anyone here play the Wheel of Time MUD? We could start a hella cool hexbear based clan.

new mega

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