HELLO THIS IS THE MEGA SIGN UP POST/LIST POST

if you have a preferred week please tell me

Carcharodonna* (4/6 - 4/12)
GayTuckerCarlson* (4/13 - 4/19)
Busgirl (4/20 - 4/26)
SwitchyandWitchy* (4/27 - 5/3)
Disaster_of_Passion* (5/4 - 5/10)
sodium_nitride* (5-11 - 5/17)
peanutbuttercupola* (5/18 - 5/24)
Shaleesh* (5/25 - 5/31)

​ * after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters

Finally just got estrogen!!

Yo I got ma'am'd at the grocery store? And I wasn't wearing makeup or anything??

Older ladies at the money order counter truly are my strongest soldiers

::: spoiler CW: Gender dysphoria and depression Comrades, I know this is a celebratory occasion, but I feel like I'm choking and need to let this out somewhere, I have no one to talk about this.

I know I'm not cis, it's not cis to literally wonder what gender I am every single day of my life for the past I don't even know how many years, all I know is that I don't like being a man. I don't like looking like a man, sounding like a man, presenting as a man, being perceived as a man, having a beard and having chest hair.

Some days it's easier to deal with, and I sometimes don't care that much. Others it is not, today is one of those, probably the worst one yet. I have been meaning to comment or post here for a while, but always tossed it aside.

I have been depressed for a long time now, I'm medicated, but it's not working nearly as well as I hoped. I'm also autistic, ADHD, shy and have a lot of social anxiety. I have mentioned this to my therapist before, but it's hard for me and I haven't been able to talk with her for almost a year now too, because neither I nor my mom work and we both depend on my dad's money for everything, and his insistence on trying to be a businessman keeps fucking him over. I can't tell him this tho or he will get angry and we will fight again, which just sucks. In the last year we have moved twice, both because we have little money and because the past 2 landlords were both pieces of shit, the most recent was less then a month ago and now me and my mom are in a house far away in the middle of nowhere, but we don't have to worry about rent at least.

Today one of the only few friends I have told me he is having a child. I felt so happy for him!!! Genuinely happy!! But soon after I realized I haven't changed in a long time, I'm the exact same person with the exact same issues unable to change, I'm still unemployed, still depressed, still doing the same things I do daily, still unable to read a single book or study because I can't focus and I start yawning non-stop, no matter how much I want to do that, let alone even being able to find the motivation to start 9/10 times. I'm still stuck, and that triggered me wanting to post this comment here, the dysphoria came in like a truck alongside that.

When I made this account I set my pronouns to [any] because of that, it was a chance for me to try something else while just getting rid of the [he/him] pronouns without actually committing to it, yet I haven't even posted much because most of the time I'm too depressed or anxious for that. It also doesn't help that I always had issues with my body. I'm obese now, and haven't been able to lose weight, but I have been overweight ever since I was little too.

I want to change so bad, yet I feel like I'm unable to, feel like I'm stuck, and with no motivation.

It's been at least an hour since I started writing this comment, and I have read it multiple times already instead of just hitting post. :::

I’m happy that I’ve reached a point in my transition where I can encourage other comrades to be their true selves. I’ve come very far from the timid little egg I once was.

People have started calling me a name my name is commonly short for. I haven't asked anyone to do this but I'm not complaining. I kinda really love it

It's been 8 years since I started HRT. I don't know what else to say, really. Everything is better than I ever imagined it could be. It can, maybe it even does get better for you given enough time. Whoever you are reading this. Yeah, you. It gets better.

::: spoiler cw abuse Spent about 5 of those years in an abusive relationship that I only very recently got out of and life looks so much different with some room to breathe. I don't feel like I'm dying all the time. I'm not scared to leave the house anymore. I have my own life that is mine and I don't have to lie about who I am to survive anymore. I didn't spend as long as I did in the closet to get shoved in another equally shitty closet. I'm done. I'm free. Now what? :::

Despite everything I learn and go through the world will never take my wonder or whimsy from me :3

My pill era is almost over. First vial is arriving soon, maybe even by tomorrow. Wouldn't it be perfect if I could do my first injection on TDoV?

How it feels like to insult people on the internet

Real gender fluidity has never been tried because people are incapable of having a fluid view of someone. Like I basically can never be a real man in most people's eyes because I've tried being/am a woman sometimes. Im so tired of being third gendered when I'm totally cool being a MAN or a WOMAN, but never something in between/neither. Frustrateddddd. Think I'll just go back to being a butch lesbian and give up on manhood.

I had never known another trans woman, and Ive been out for less than a year. After meeting someone else (irl) and just hanging out, I had such a visceral response the next day when I reflected on it (so many tears but thats my life now I guess lol). Basically, that one interaction (and a new friend!) broke down almost all of my deeply entrenched transphobia.

Its really nice. <3 I hope y'all have a great day being yourselves

Also some of my friends seem to think they are supposed to buy me pizza tomorrow. I'm not going to say no.....

::: spoiler frustratedposting I asked someone to stop treating all of our social interactions like a business contract and they told me I should "touch grass and talk to normal people more." I'm so tired of being treated like my feelings don't matter :::

Someone just came out to me as trans. It's wild how many people in my life have transed their gender since I came out

Went to the local gay bar for their trans day of visibility fundraising event with my nb partner tonight, we had a good time and they even bid on and won the movie night basket. We're gonna make a night of it lol.

Love all of my trans comrades on Hexbear. You make this place wonderful.

I think I'm gonna start getting into exercising daily! I already wanted to be outside more, but I'm realizing now just how much strength I've lost from transitioning and want to build it back up.

Also want to lose weight slowly, I'm a big girl I'm 300+ pounds and want to get to around 230 by 2030.

Gonna read some books so I can exercise the best I can especially at my weight(don't wanna hurt my joints)

They also started doing morning stretching exercises at work and I've been really liking it, I feel less tired at the end of the day now.

::: spoiler horny Also wanna be able to bridal carry my girlfriend and shove her face in my sweaty pits :::

A friend actually did reach out to me about today, that was very nice of him.

I never explicitly updated here (or I did and forgot? I've been really confronting memory issues lately...). But. I have a job. I can't say what it is cause its kinda niche, but I'm supporting social workers, and its really nice. I'm doing something socially productive. And I'm kinda proud? I can go to work and know that I'm a thread of sticky fiber behind a gauze pad on a bandaid stretched too thin across a gaping shotgun wound. But I'm a part of that bandaid. I'm doing things that help people (well, I'm doing things that help people help people). I'm tired and happy. I like my coworkers. I'm getting treated kinda like I'm nongendered by them which sucks. But. They're chill. And. I can deal with that for work. And they're super supportive. I'm relieved. I'm not gonna starve. I'm not gonna live out of my car. I'm kinda sorta safe.

transgender day of visibility!

Even on my worst days I'd rather be myself than mutilate my existence to "fit in"!

Every single painful experience I've ever been through, I'd go through it again to protect whatever little happiness I collected up. Ain't much at all, but it's still mine! (And for you )

Wow, I'm in a positive mood these days. Funny how that happens when you don't get kicked repeatedly in the crotch by random nonsense for a while.

homebrew hormones are actually better because it's artisanally crafted in small batches instead of being mass produced in a factory

hi! i am trans and visible :o

FUCK

Insurance is such a fuck. I have to end up paying hundreds of dollars just to have people agree to maybe one day do surgery. I've been trying so hard to save as much as I can before moving too.

Money is so stressful

hello trans people of hexbear.

you have been seen.

that's all, enjoy your day.

tdov!

I know it's tomorrow but I don't expect anyone I'm out to will say anything about it to me, kinda dumb to be upset/whatever about it but it would be nice. I mean I obviously don't blame anyone and don't expect anyone will but idk. I do wish they'd recognize my bravery about coming out to them. A couple did at the time though which was nice. Idk.

All the little bees come up to me see I'm not a flower and leave feels bad

::: spoiler spoiler

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I might lose my health insurance, because I'm offered other health insurance, and I'm probs gonna lose my whole care team, have to pay more for meds ($150/mo), pay more for doctors visits ($30-$50), pay more for "specialist care" (I dont even know how much, and that's assuming they're in network), pay more for everything, all while making roughly 1500/month. Gender care, 200/mo at best, mental health, 200-400/mo, doctor visits, 100/mo. So I'm going from making 0/mo to 1500/mo, and now I have to spend $700/mo or so on healthcare. That's not even counting surgeries!! I'm gonna have so little left over, I dont know what to even do here.

Why do I have to do this? Because I got a job and am no longer unemployed. If my employer didn't offer me healthcare this wouldn't be an issue, but they are so I'm getting kicked off the thing I was on that let me do all this for free/minimal cost.

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I interacted with a trans woman who transitioned 22 years ago and has been stealth for most of them. And it was a disquieting experience.

She had good advice about burnout but also seemed very ashamed about being trans and was actively discouraging of me publicly identifying as trans (let alone enthusiastically).

I don't know where I'm going with this. Just made me sad. The cis have really done a number on us over the years.

estrogen is really something else. i have never felt. so much.

::: spoiler dysphoria Ugh I can't stand to look at myself in my zoom calls today because I feel like an ugly man. Usually I'm better at not comparing myself to other people but alas :::

happy trans 364 days of invisibility to those who wish not to be perceived

Very weird thoughts are popping into my mind.

I socially transitioned to a man a few years ago, but only recently started hrt. In reality I’m probably some form of gender fluid/non binary leaning masculine, but I go through life as a guy because I’d rather not explain my unconventional gender experience to everyone I meet. The hormone treatment is making me realise that I’m sort of making this transition thing permanent, and now I get frequent flashbacks of me being a woman and it’s making me nostalgic. I really loved the way I looked as a young woman, and I was very good at exploiting my femininity for social and political gain. It’s just that in my day to day life I feel much more comfortable as a man.

Soon after I transitioned socially I became a labour organiser. It’s only now that I start to question if I would be a more effective organiser when I present as a woman. I haven’t tried it so I have no idea. It probably depends on where I’m organising, but generally I think as a woman I’d be able to kind of seduce people to a first meeting where it would be easier to get them to engage. On the flip side I would also be taken less seriously when I teach people about organising.

This is a super weird train of thought but generally I think my position is that I have already devoted my life to organising and have sacrificed a lot for it. What if I didn’t go through with hrt so I can potentially organise more effectively while I present as a guy in my private life with a bit more effort?

My first reaction to that thought is that I’m probably better at organising if I feel most comfortable which is as a guy. But I still can’t shake the thought of wanting to seduce people towards organising because it sounds so fun and romantic. Maybe I can learn how to seduce as a guy.

Would love to know if other people have similar thoughts about using their gender expression for efficiency or gain.

I hear you all keep things pretty gay in these parts

Tomorrow is also the 4th annual Mira Bellwether Buy a Trans Woman a Pizza Day*, for all the gals who don't feel like being visibly trans or just love pizza* <3

* or other food of her choice!

Im feeling so good today ☺️

I looked so cute in the mirror~

down with cis

I'm very happy that I can be in community with other trans people :) I appreciate everyone's posts, and the sharing of our lives and experiences.

Always thought day of visibility being before April fool's was a great idea in case coming out backfires

visibility is cool and all but i could really get shit done with a single day of invisibility

::: spoiler brain worms Eternal genocide on the terms AGP/HSTS and all associated theories I was just reading through this elder (70s) trans woman's blog and oh my God half of this shit is two steps away from phrenology :::

up with trans!

Life isn't perfect, but I love being trans and wouldn't change it for the world.

Happy (early) trans day of visibility!

Attention Transgenders: Trans Day of Visibility has ended. Please remember to reengage your cloaking devices.

Y’all ever be talking to your therapist and be told “maybe you should look up <thing you might have>” and then be personally attacked by a Wikipedia page? Cause damn.

I hope all my trans comrades are having a good day

Been happy crying every time I see myself in the mirror lately cuz I'm so beautiful now. Liking how you look is so magical

::: spoiler nsfw

So apparently, the secret to getting an E orgasm is to be relaxed and patient. Let the wand work its magic. Take your time. Enjoy the process.

Meanwhile I was rubbing T orgasms out like I was a fast food worker and some customer ordered a serving of girlcum but there were 10 fucking orders of girlcum in the backlog so you kinda gotta like pump em out. And then you'd collect the lil droplet each time and serve it and it would cost $6.50 because capitalism was in crisis and you were like, just trying to survive but lowkenuinely you peaked in highschool and were going to die alone.

:::

Trans joy moment:

Can't sleep anymore without tucking a pillow between my boobs. It's uncomfortable otherwise. And holy shit does it make me feel such euphoria in the morning when I wake up. My arms resting on my boobs.

Even though i barely slept today, i tried a new thing. I replaced the pillow with my arm!

In all honestly this gender euphoria is like the ONE thing keeping me going.

I met an adorable 10 cm wide… sandwich press? or something? at a thrift store and he is my son now.

::: spoiler negativity

You know despite my positive comment earlier during the day I'll spend TdoV being completely alone and discussing things with mental health people (trust me, it will not be fun). No, I will not be girlmodding.

And I've been utterly unable to do absolutely anything girly since the failed coming out so yeah. Idk what I'm being positive about.

::: spoiler suicide

I don't even want to do anything girly because it feels like I'm setting up expectations for my life being something better and right now, I'm at least killing myself "peacefully". A corpse-like creature going through the motions of life. Zombie?

I can't talk to this about anybody irl. Because well it doesn't feel like it helps. Nobody has any real tips for me. Nobody can solve the root problem. It takes ages for the medical system to even begin "processing" me. Like I'm going through it but it's april! I began my latest rounds of talk in January and tommorow I will have my first talk with a half-way specialised team who will hand me over to a more specialised team.

I don't want to go to a doctor anymore. I don't want to be shuffled around. I don't want to be examined and have to lay bare my vulnerabilities to someone I don't trust. It's not like I ever shared the full story. Don't think I will ever tell another person.

Am tired. Really tired.

:::

:::

Every time a transfem expresses a desire for some aspect of womanhood or femininity, and a cis woman responds with "Oh... You don't really want that 😒🙄" I abort another straight fetus

Me on the trans day of visibility

Is there any particular reason EV is the main variety of estradiol that gets prescribed? It's so inferior to EEn like, what the fuck, why are pharma companies wasting their time with that shit?

Waow my sibling remembered me on tdov ! I really didn’t expect that since I came out so recently, riding high rn :)))

I already start missing my cuties. Last weekend, we were all meeting up and i ended up getting cozy on the couch with a puppygirl melting in my right arm (really nice perfume, doing happytaps and making cute noises) and a kittengirl melting in my left arm (really lovely girlsmell, literally making a :3 face while i gave her headpats). They're both really good friends and it's always lovely to hang out and cuddle with them, but i had never cuddled both of them at the same time before. I need to do this more often.

Given my dad's line of work he might have spent TdoV seeing a bunch of trans people, flags or pins around him. He might have even had to pretend to support trans rights, that fucking hypocrite.

I forgot that Fallout New Vegas let you pick hair color of a R G B 0 to 255 color chart. I started my character I was talking about. A trans lesbian. Settled on the name "Cobalt" and gave her Cobalt Blue hair (Green 71, Blue 171)

Even though my presentation was shit

Even though I have a massive fucking headache

Even though I'm sleep deprived as hell (did you know? I slept for 30 minutes this night)

Even though my throat hurts

I still managed to finish the presentation!

The TDoV teach-in I organized went well!^[Ignoring the really intense emotional episode I had a couple hours prior. Theres been a lot of things going on all at once and I dont think Ive scream cried like that in the better part of a decade] it was hard getting everything going but once we all loosened up it was a great time. I got to talk about my trans history stuff, some other folks got to present about their interests, and we had a roundtable about choosing names and the quality of gender affirming care on campus^[which is accessable but kinda ass, they start all the girls out at 0.5mg e once a day and 100mg spiro twice a day... which is bordering on malpractice IMO.].

And then this morning I was getting cat food when this guy walked into the store wearing a MOLLE vest with knives and stuff in it and he just kept staring at me. I felt a little bit scared, very alone, and like an extremely stabbable bag of transgender meat.

An interesting couple days.

Just stumbled on an interactive fiction WIP that covers all my niche interests. It's a retelling of the Bram Stoker Dracula novel, but you get to change, somewhat, how the story goes and you can make Dracula and Van Helsing into girlies

1. late 1800s fashion
2. a lady vampire throwing me smoldering looks and probably wanting to fuck and/or eat me
3. ability to be...hm let's say...foolhardy about weird dark hallways with odd noises echoing down them
4. heartfelt wlw romance gay awakening for you and your ladyfriend (there's four romance options)

ugh it's so good

Happy TDOV, ya'll!

::: spoiler therapy I did soooooo well on my first day with this therapist, I scored so high on all the tests! :DDDD :::

I dunno if it says anything that I don't have a blahaj, but I have multiple plushies of something wearing a blahaj costume.

Another week at support group where I barely got to talk, usually she calls on me and specifically gives me a couple minutes but I guess she forgot this week. So I said like two sentences about other stuff but didn't get to talk about any of my own stuff.

I hope when I move I can find a group I get to participate in more :/

Going to sleep with my hands faintly smelling of soy sauce is how I know I'm winning 😊

As a trans girl this post made me happy lol. I hate being trans, that shit kind of fucked my life, i feel like everything is against me (including myself) and sometimes i just wish i was a boy, but i try to go on. Thank you for doing this post, and thank everybody that makes something to give us visbility.

The fear my gf might be a fbi agent shattered when I realize how based she is

I'm such a dummy... finally talked to the friend I was mad at. She apologized again and as soon as she talked about feeling bad about it my anger melted away and I said I was sorry and turned into even more of a mess. I just cannot handle making friends feel sad, all I wanted to do was say that I was sorry over and over again...

I think I have a lot of bottom dysphoria but there's nothing I can do about it so I just avoid thinking about it

I'm applying to go back to peds world. I miss working with kids a lot.

Nobody ever says anything to me except "wow ur so tall"

Job hunt is finally going somewhere. It won't be what I was looking for, but I think I have a good chance at having something substantial lined up in a few weeks. Would at least be able to support my partner and start rebuilding savings, although it wouldn't be long term so I would still have to be looking for another job in 6 months or so.

Six months of hrt today.

I hoped I'd be more celebratory. I hoped I'd be more comfortable in my body. When I first started hrt, I wanted to start laser and voice training by now. I hoped I'd look back and feel better then this, and not make another sad post.

Six months though, that's something.

I'm going to pull up pre hrt pictures later and compare them to today. I do not feel like much has changed but we will see.

Get email today

Suprise presentation!

It's due tommorow and worth 20% of your final grade

How did i forget about this?

I was planning on enjoying myself for a day or 2!

::: spoiler sad I really want to move. I already had quite a big move somewhat recently, and it was an upgrade in a lot of ways. But it was a significant downgrade in community. I had lots of people where I used to live and I miss them. One of my good friends passed away after I moved and I wasn't able to attend the funeral. I just feel so isolated from everyone I care about.

There's no goddamn fuckin' gay people in this town and it's exhausting trying to find cool people to hang out with. I want to have a family and friends and community but there's nothing for me here. All my favorite people in the world are nowhere near me. My best friend is halfway across the country. My closest sibling is about the same distance. I have no one here. I was kinda forced here by a bunch of aligned unfortunate circumstances but I want to leave so bad.

I want to find people I genuinely deeply care about and who genuinely deeply care about me and I want to be around them and cherish them. I want to have a family. I want to maybe find romantic love. And I'm just never going to find any of that here. I don't feel cared about by the people I'm around, and it's fucking impossible to find the right people here.

At the same time, I feel paralyzed. There are a few places I'm thinking about moving to, but I'm going to need roomies, and that's terrifying. I'm paralyzed with the fear of having to find room mates and I'm not sure how to push through that. It's a fear that just feels so insurmountable and I have no idea how to approach it. It's terrifying and I fear that I might never actually move because of that, even though I really want to.

And even if I do move, how do I guarantee that I even am able to meet anyone there? What if I'm just as alone there as I am here? Am I just destined for feeling alone my whole life? I have my issues with the people around me now, but at least I have them. If I move I'll have no one. I'll have to start over completely from scratch, and that's terrifying. :::

::: spoiler Transition goals stress I really have to remind myself that this is all a means to completing my last transition goal.

If it weren't, it would all be miserable and humiliating. So, it's not.

Feeling very helpless to it all tonight. :::

Sorry, should have put that in spoilers. Early AM venting going on cd for a bit

::: spoiler bottom dysphoria, kinda shitty So apparently they mapped all the nerves of the clit, and that's great for cis women, but fuck it makes me sad seeing headlines everywhere and reading the comments of women talking about anatomy I don't have and will never have. Being reminded of all the parts. Fuck me I'm sad. :::

I thought TDoV was a week ago because of the GDQ Hotfix event last weekend. Spent that weekend boymoding (as usual) visiting family and the topic of drag & crossdressers came up, which surprisingly didn't turn into a bunch of transphobia.

A friend let me down last Friday and I know it'd be the gracious thing to accept the apology and say it's okay, but I don't want to. I really hate being shunted to the side when more important things come up. Think I'll ice her out a little longer. Already relapsed pretty severely so not like there's much further to fall in terms of poor behavior...

::: spoiler sh but funny Went into great detail of the mechanics of stapling myself with my therapist only for her to later say that she had personally witnessed someone getting stapled as a kink thing. Damn homie I was not familiar with your game

Funnily enough she was more disapproving of the random nail I was scratching myself with :::

Finished processing the chip! The contacts are now plated in gold so you can connect it to a circuit.

That big gold splotch is what you get when your supervisor doesn't care to let you fix mistakes that the machine made because this is a homework assignment and nobody cares about yeild.

In hindsight it would have taken us like 30 seconds to fix the mistake that caused the gold splotch.

::: spoiler genital stuff, kind of dysphoria adjacent lately I've felt totally sexually detached from having a penis or a vagina. I know nullo exists but I dunno if I find that appealing either, like I still want to have sex and stuff. I dunno if there's like a Vulva Only surgery that's still sexually stimulated or something, I mostly just don't want the hole, but I still wanna be able to get wet and stuff. Uuuuuugh, sucks. :::

::: spoiler dysphoria/confusion Kinda buried the lede on my sex crash out last week... The way it started was my friends talking in pretty graphic detail about the experience of getting a pelvic exam and the weird ways the fingering mechanics would line up with being fingered in an intimate context and how odd that situation is. I didn't think about it at the time, but later on I wondered if it might be a dysphoria thing. My therapist immediately highlighted that as a possibility, and my answer is... I don't know?

Like, I guess I've never really had a problem with having a dick before. But I've also never considered the alternative because the idea of a botched surgery scares me, as well as having some kind of permanent upkeep with dilating. Although I guess I already have some permanent upkeep I have to do to prevent atrophy. Idk. And it would be nice to be "normal" I guess. But otoh I've never really had the opportunity to use my stock equipment with a partner, maybe I'd really like it how it is? :::

I think I just experienced the musical equivalent of an orgasm listening to food house

question: after coming out to my friends as trans and experimenting masculine stuff, i started having dreams where im actually cis, and im pretending to be trans and its a big mistake. then i wake up and some gender affirming stuff, which would bring me joy in the past, now feels uncomfortable.

i think there may be a chance that i have a second personality due to having experienced dissociation, and then years later i find a girl in my dreams who remembers all the dreams she experienced with me (very helpful if you have to figure out a strategy to solve problems in similar dreams).

is questioning one's transness normal or do i have a second personality who is messing with me?

GGGGGAAAAAHHHHGGH I just found out I have a hernia! I really fucking hope this doesn't fuck up my plans for an orchi this summer

I can't wait to do our injection tomorrow, it has gone from such a source of anxiety when we first switched to injections to the highlight of our week!

We have more friends now too, and for the first time in ever we have a little group of irl trans friends to call on when we want company. Now just gotta get better at initiating >.<

A friend of mine revealed they had watched the Fallout TV show and really liked it. They did not know Fallout was a video game series with like 8 entries in it. This a baffling perspective to try and understand.

New proposed law: calling pricncessgirls "reactionary" gets u 10 years in the dungeon no trial no appeal meanie

Going to see my sister in the hospital (she's okay!) with my parents. I put my foundation and tinted lip balm on for work this morning and considered packing a wipe to take it off during transit but then decided you know what fuck it, if my mom tries to make this about her and me I can shut that down well enough.

Independently toying with the idea of coming out to my dad on the way there or back... It being the day of visibility does tempt me. I might dip my toes in just to gauge thing, put some feelers out. I'm also hanging out with my brother this weekend and intend to tell him then.

Like 3 nights this last week I haven't needed to take melotonin to get to sleep, used to take it every night or I'd lay awake for over an hour, sometimes two. I feel a lot better in the mornings when I don't take it I'm realizing.

I've been super emotional today. Also completely hating everything about living with my parents.

::: spoiler cw:transphobic catholic parents stuff Honestly I can't tkae being in the closet anymore. But also I can't take it living with my parents anymore. I can't take their casual transphobia, ignorance and trying to push christianism onto me...

I kinda wanna come out and/or gtfo of here. Can't take it anymore and I need my space and above everything I need to be respected and treated well :::

First, thanks to everyone who provided info and resources for injections, that was all really helpful.

I've been tracking my mood and mental state since the first injection on Wed. I was originally track 7 days but since I'm crashing out over trivial things on day 4, I don't think I'm gonna risk going past day 5.

Otherwise I absolutely loved the high dose. I felt amazing the last few days. I hate jabbing myself but other than that this is superior to pills in every way. I wish I could've been brave about needles sooner.

::: spoiler horny What I find surprising is how fucking distractingly horny I've been. Like on pills is was more of an occasional low-level feeling, maybe a couple days a month but not that intense. But I'm now like all the way 100% all day. It's weird since I always associated horny with prog, but maybe it's the high e + prog combo that's doing it.

Anyway I've been having impure thoughts about my SLP since I made her blush during our last session and I really would like them to go away now :::

Giving my government name feels like telling a lie tbh, don't even need to be truthful to people it's like an old reflex I fall back on when I meet someone new

I think I'm gonna do my nails today. It's been a while since I've done that

Well looked through my pictures from the last year and:

::: spoiler dysphoria I guess? Negativity Wow I look fucking awful. In the pictures, today, all of them. In my topless pictures I can see my breasts developing a bit, definitely noticeable since starting. Not that they look anything like a woman's but wtvr. And my hair has gotten a good bit longer this past year, of course. Other then that I don't see fuck all for changes that aren't just the angle not lining up right or whatever. Anyway I'd cry if I could. Why do I look so fucking awful. :::

going to a trans visibility protest tomorrow? Really only because I was invited by a friend and I figure it's a good grass touching experience. I'm pretty anxious to be honest... I don't really know what I'm gonna do besides stand around and follow my friend like a duckling.

::: spoiler shameful internalized transphobia I'm also scared to see clocky trans people. I've basically wired myself to be hypercritical of people's appearances to remind myself that there will always be someone looking at me with that criticality, so I need to identify what's "wrong" with other people's looks and fix it in myself so I can pass muster. Also a nice flagellation exercise by creating impossible standards for myself and making me feel like a shitty judgemental person. :::

Stopped voice training for a bit because I was like, whatever this is fine I'm satisfied with this register and I can meow. Tried again with another exercise and holy shit I can actually kinda sing again I thought my voice was too fucked for that due to completely unrelated health reasons.

I feel horrible. Why is my life like this. Why can I not get better. I am getting worse. Fuck me.

I identify as a nonbinary eldritch fairy abomination that cannot be comprehended by cis minds

The TDoV event ended up being fine, got to know my work friend a bit more and the one of his friends complimented my makeup (nonsense, mascara was clumpy af). We took some pictures at the end, it's weird to see pictures where I actually look kinda happy? Not my best pictures though, hair was kinda wack and something's wrong with my face that I can't quite place.

In other news I think I need to give up on my Henson safety razor. I got the mild but it's so mild that I need to press in and do way too many passes to actually remove hair that I end up cutting and irritating my face anyway. Might just get a Merkur 34C and try to repair my technique.

We did a pretty difficult workout today again, so twice now after not doing anything more than long walks for months and it feels so good. This time went much better than the first one to the point where we didn't even need to take any breaks. I'm really hoping we can get our body back in shape come summer or at least fall.

::: spoiler CW: weight loss I'm also feeling much more optimistic about weight loss without medication now. Hrt is really working well and that means we can just forget any goals of being skinny and set a realistic goal weight for our body that will let us be thicc. :::

Syntax error was the original skill issue back in the day 😞

Maybe by next TDoV I'll have hrt :3

some days I'm capable of complex and coherent thought and then other days (today) my brain is just like "I need more tattoos and piercings I need more tattoos and piercings I need more tattoos and piercings I need more tattoos and piercings I need more..."

Getting sad about wedding stuff and then remembering all the cis women in my life who I'm sure got fabulous weddings and a guy they love and had kids and literally just get to live their lives as women 💔 and I get to suffer my whole life, ::: spoiler dysphoria/misery/si and deal with my awful voice, facial hair, how fucking big I am, my genitals, transphobia (and just how evil society is to us I could go on about this), and they get to just live their lives. Also I have no one. I get to be a miserable, depressed removed. I get to think about killing myself every day. I get to feel pain constantly and get no sympathy or love. To hide myself away. Forever be seen wrong. To live a bitter, sad, depressing life until I finally do it.

I hate my life and I hate people. Maybe I can't fully explain why I hate them so much. It seems self evident to me but whatever. :::

I JUST WISH I COULD BE THEM

::: spoiler note Them that I hate is humans generally, them I wish I could be is a few of the women I've met. Although being an ignorant pig who gobbles down slop and shit would leave me happier than I am now, to be fair. :::

Getting my 3ds set back up/rehacked. Fuck SD cards are expensive now. But all my old shit is still on there, glad I backed it up. Now I just need to update all the custom firmware and homebrew stuff. Looking forward to messing around with prentendo, and there's a new free shop.

Just had a woman in the store do a quadruple take at me and then slowly increase speed while still staring back at me. It looked like she was about to break out into a run. Like don’t break your fucking neck I’m not coming for your kids

I had such a nice TDoV! Got to spend a bunch of time hanging out with other trans people irl XD

I don't want to be too negative, but once i start it keeps coming out

::: spoiler content warning

::: spoiler suicide

Still have thoughts such as "I'm such a loser i couldn’t even kill myself" and "why the fuck am I still alive" and "kill me already please".

Worst part is that 99% of all my negativity comes from me and inside my brain. I had like, about 10 minutes of calling with my mom. How many hours and days and weeks have I spent since then berating myself? This is my fault, is it not? Am I not just looking for an excuse to give up? Am I not secretly happy that I am hated and a victim? Someone who can attract the pity of people like a parasite. While others who actually deserve help are left behind.

:::

:::

::: spoiler sex and sadness People talk about how T horny was just something they had to get out of the way and on hrt it became more enjoyable etc... But 6 months in I still hate it. It's still just a chore. Horniness itself is less intense and whatever else but idk, I think this is still just something I have to do. If I could not I would not. :::

Dating someone who I can tell all my weird dreams to as I just have them is so great, nothing but unfiltered ID and honesty too sleepy to lie

:::spoiler health question

lowkey if my vial recently got cored and i cant get another yet am i going to die bcs of accidentally injecting a bit of rubber into my thigh muscle a few days ago?

I very badly want to live in the closest city to me instead of out here on the suburban / exurban edge. When I spend time down there I feel like I can just exist as a normal person when out and about. Out here I have to be recognized and see the same people all the time, get stared at by countless men rubbernecking out of their windows , and just feel generally a little unsafe in the ambient maga atmosphere. Not letting that force me into hiding myself tho I love being visibly trans .

I'm not transitioning hard enough. Not in the sense of gender transformation (even though I'm not transitioning hard enough there too). But like ... a deeper transformation. Becoming a new person. Becoming something ... more than a person ...

Fucking hate having to be the bad guy at work constantly or get yelled at by our boss. I am only in charge sometimes, and I get paid for it so that's fine, but every time I go in people need to be yelled at or disappointed or whatever and I'm sick of it. I want to go in and do my job and not have to yell at everyone to do theirs. Or pay me for it.

I'm coughing so much

And I still gotta do this work

Head hurts

Too much anxiety

::: spoiler I can do this

I can do this I can do this I can do this I can do this I can do this I can do this I can do this I can do this I can do this I can do this I can do this I can do this I can do this I can do this I can do this I can do this I can do this I can do this I can do this I can do this I can do this I can do this I can do this I can do this I can do this I can do this I can do this I can do this I can do this I can do this I can do this I can do this I can do this I can do this I can do this I can do this I can do this I can do this I can do this I can do this I can do this I can do this I can do this I can do this I can do this I can do this I can do this I can do this

:::

Feel fuckin terrible, have for a few hours now. Fml.

::: spoiler spoiler I hate being trans, I hate my life. Everything is too fucking hard. I genuinely wish I was never born instead of having to put up with all this. I do not find living enjoyable or worthwhile. It is one thing after another, a never ending pile of shit to do that I never have any motivation or energy or fucks to give for. I hate it. I hate my life. :::

I got my vial today. This is a tiny bottle. Itty bitty. It's EV, 20 mg/mL, 0.5mL weekly. I'm on anti-androgens still so I think the dosage amount is fine. Is weekly okay though? I thought EV was typically every 5 days due to shorter half life?

I'm making art for a post for tomorrow that my collective decided on. It doesn't look great, but it's what I managed in a hurry.

I've been vocal in the past about how I don't think non-diagetic fast travel is good in Elderscroll and Fallout games.

Playing Fallout New Vegas again I've changed my mind about it, but only in Fallout New Vegas. I think that Obsidan really captures in the early game the vibes from Fallout 1 and 2 of blowing into a place, doing all the quest there, then hitting the road again. Goodsprings, then Primm/Mojave Outpost, then Novac etc. New Vegas itself is a big location like the Hub etc. with lots of zones, it's fine to skip to.

You don't have to always be slugging it across empty desert because just like in Fallout 1 and 2 you were fast travelling across it. Also the survival needs are enough that big trips do have a cost. It's doesn't feel like teleportation the way it does in Skyrim or Fallout 3.

I'm so tired of constantly feeling dysphoric. This is a horrible way to live.

I got a random text from someone I haven't thought about in 3 years asking how I've been and I had to hit him with the good ol' "ohhhhhhh that's not my name anymore"

Sometimes I forget how misanthropic I am and then I see polls and it all comes flowing back. Fuck I hate people. If people, as a whole, could stop believing unjustified bullshit.

Happy TDoV to us all!

Whenever I read I have to take moments to just stare at the ceiling and see the shapes and faces that appear check in on them in case they wanna say something to me, nothing so far but not gonna discount them just for being silent. Shame only one of my libraries has comfy seats and interesting ceilings 😔

Fuck me looking into hvac part prices is parts usually got a shelf life and even if it's say fine by the 5 year mark replacing a 300 dollar sensor will keep the 6000 dollar compressor safe just in case if it fails. Maintenance so far is more than just cleaning the coils or changing the filters it seems keeping track of how old some parts are is vital.

I'm thinking of maybe coming out since my parents probably already know by now. I got a week long trip to a different state and my plan is to come out right before or right after I leave, so the fallout happens while I'm away. Or if it ends up really bad I have a plan and a place to run away to.

I've been posting about how my emotions have suddenly started rapidly developing after half a year on e. It felt like it was accelerating, but now it's taken an incredible leap. It feels like a coincidence (but I know it isn't) that now is when I was finally able to make friends with the trans woman I've run into a few times before. We've talked for a few hours. I knew and tried to forget how much I was still holding on to, but I was not prepared for how fast I was going to start letting go and letting it out once I got a chance to talk to her. I was happy with having a few trans people in my life, but I didn't know how much I was missing this connection specifically.

There's no point anymore in studying how to help moss grow on my skin. It's time to learn to digest the meat beneath me.

Idk why NATE just got back to me few hours ago, I already know I passed my core but not my specialty. I was ambitious trying it with only 3 months of study and no work experience, with any luck I can get some experience soon and then go back and retake my specialty. HVAC stuff yada yada I won't give up on it next time I'll pass the specialty and get my 🔰

I got anti-depressants so I could be more productive. But it's giving me headaches, light headedness and making it harder to sleep. This seems counter productive.

(By "it" I mean citalopram)

Honestly keep deleting my comment. Topic so fucked up it feels like I'm just trying to get attention and sympathy. Neither posting, nor not posting accomplishes anything. Or is the problem that I just feel so ashamed? Probably the latter. And I'm sick of it.

Yup, I think I'm back to the depression part of my cycle. Thr mania is gone, all that remains is a feeling of terror, pain and jealousy.

"diverse opinions" and its someone with the worst beliefs known to man upset that not literally everyone gives their unjustified nonsense the time of day

Took my first SSRI just now. Hopefully, this is the start of something beautiful. Something like a magic pill to make all my problems go away (lol, I know it won't).

Actually, I'm not sure what it's even supposed to do. Like, I know it blocks the serotonin uptake, allowing more serotonin in my brain, and allowing my nerve cells to signal each other with less serotonin over time. What I'm kinda confused about is how that's supposed to help me.

I'm also worried about my GP prescribing them rather casually to me without even explaining what I should expect. I forgot to ask him. And he forgot to say. Whoopsie ...

I legit have tendinitis from fingering so much. Nobody told me being gay was this hard

I'm trying to join the matrix chat and all the links take me to scammy looking pages?