HELLO THIS IS THE MEGA SIGN UP POST/LIST POST

if you have a preferred week please tell me

Shaleesh* (3/30 - 4/5)
Carcharodonna* (4/6 - 4/12)
GayTuckerCarlson* (4/13 - 4/19)
Busgirl (4/20 - 4/26)
SwitchyandWitchy* (4/27 - 5/3)
Disaster_of_Passion* (5/4 - 5/10)
sodium_nitride* (5-11 - 5/17)
peanutbuttercupola* (5/18 - 5/24)
Shaleesh* (5/25 - 5/31)

​ * after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters

disappointed and suspect of any he/hims whenever anything trans comes up outside the trans mega.

::: spoiler regarding the Lilly Bushnell post I'm pretty sure that if I didn't grow into being trans spending a lot of time reading through this mega every day I would have ended up with exactly the kind of internalized trans-misogyny that would have had me agreeing with the he/hims in that thread. I guess I'm just feeling thankful for you all again. I feel like I am who I am today in part because of the posting I get to read from you all. I just love ya'll is all I suppose :::

I finally had my consult today! It's been a long time since the previous surgeon bailed and tbh I haven't always been sure I'd make it long enough to try again.

::: spoiler Discussion of planning surgery, regret, body trauma

The consult went just over two hours and there were some difficult topics I had to walk her through. I'm good at telling a summary of my story without issue, but inevitably there's some piece that catches me off guard when I really have to get into it. It's embarrassing crying in front of strangers. Anyway, I made it through that and the exam of the [surgical area] without major issues.

The good news is she seems much more open to working with unknowns. Given that I'm the first person to pursue phalloplasty after vaginoplasty at that hospital's practice (many such cases), a surgeon needs to be willing to take a bit of a leap with me. Of course, that involves ompromises on both parts.

I was happy that my left forearm (donor site) seemed okay to use, though I still need to get a CT scan to confirm. Radial Forearm Flap (RFF) is the best surgical method at getting tactile sensation and the least bulky. Other methods are at the expense of one or the other, so thank you to my ulner artery for the good blood flow. Yay.

Unfortunately, I'm probably giving up the dream of urethra lengthening. I knew it was a possibility, but I had to face that it could complicate things with an erectile device and be a higher chance of complication given my medical history. I was really hoping I could pee like I used to, but I can be pragmatic too. She didn't give me grief for scrotoplasty, so I accepted that she stressed the risks of UL in my situation for good reason.

I have to meet with a urologist about the logistics of vaginectomy. I really fucking hope there are no issues there. It sounds like it should be alright, but need to discuss first. Fingers crossed. I fucking hate that thing so much, goddamn.

I have a follow up appointment in a few months after all those logistical boxes are checked and she's had time to work with her team on a proper game plan. If everything goes well, we could schedule after that appointment.

I'm so glad I didn't kill myself. Today was exhausting, but I'm okay. :::

A coworker just came out to me and started asking a bunch of questions about transitioning. Never interacted with her before as we are in different departments, but I always got a gender queer vibe from her. Now I have someone to mentor

I just realised. My mom would have legit taken me being a murderer better than trans . Being a murderer was on her list of "things you can tell me about"

Came out as enby, depression started lifting, had the energy to find some cool queer meetups in my area, and now I've started doing some organizing too. My life didn't end when I came out, even though I really felt like it would. Actually, things are better than they ever have been.

Thanks for all your support, comrades 💜

:::spoiler transmisogyny, anti-transmasculinity

you know, I might struggle with being accepted in the "community" as someone who is transmasc, non-binary, both lesbian and gay, and also a futch / twink (controversial identities in an of themselves) but for some reason 🙄 this identity is somehow less controversial than just being a trans woman who is also a lesbian, compounded by multiple marginalized identities.

I am reminded of the article which said that anti-transmasculinity it is actually a trojan horse for transmisogyny. While it is concerning that radfems occasionally target transmasc lesbians or he/him lesbians, I feel that it's really just a hidden attack for trans women. And making transmascs or other tme non-binary people out to be the main victims in all of this (and therefore worthy of being named while trans women are left out) doesn't sit right with me.

:::

Aborting quintuplets, call that Babygon 5

Little update again: I got my first thesis fully done! One last thesis and then I can graduate and move on to grad school. I got a super good funding offer too.

Also finally got my name and gender changed! Took 2 fucking delays but it happened! They did mispell my middle name somehow (twice! They mispelled it on the first delay too) but at this point I don't fucking care enough to bother fixing it.

Also still being very gay with my knight 😌

My transition has been pretty successful tbh. Just short of my 2 year anniversary, and I mostly pass, even if I have to shave and my voice is deep. I don't even wear skirts or make-up. Injections are king. Tho, being stealth is a strange experience. I might come out to some of my coworkers. In a few weeks.

I need the weather to stay warm so I can keep wearing crop tops because the world needs more t girl belly

I woke up thinking "oh damn 37 messages" before realizing the majority of them are dms or cute posts from my gf here that I replied to then went back unchecked the read mark and just have them in my inbox to look at again she's as pretty as she is smart folx

Been wanting to try it/its pronouns for a while as a second secret set of pronouns but put them first so people actually use them hopefully. I don't have anything poetic to say about it I just think its based.

::: spoiler meler hornyposting??, mention of high school boys 😭, bottom dysphoria I read some smut last night and I think I got horny for the first time ever. It was different than I expected. I've never been boyhorny but I suspect I've been on E long enough for that to have been girlhorny???

I'd hated the concept of being horny for a long time because my only real experience with it was overhearing the type of shit straight boys say to each other at a high school lunch table

But like last night gave me a surprizing amount of gender euphoria too. Like there I was reading that shit feeling like such a girlllll y'all

I did get bottom dysphoria for the first time too though so that's kinda fucked up but other than that I'd call last night a big success :::

::: spoiler horny I had the thought "I just want to be a domestic housecat owned by lesbians" but realized that my prior hornyposting probably communicated that pretty clearly already,,, :::

damn i just pulled the best fit I've ever done in my life

i can't show any of you, because of woke, but just imagine be dressed super well. it was like that but better

queer polycule living in a van, call that a folxwagen

::: spoiler hornt Had a really fun weekend with my friend~ tied her up lots, we went around to a different kinky friends place with a pillory and she had a good time in it. Fucked a lot, that was great. I do really really want to use a toy or fuck someone with a cock but I still have to wait 😭 I dunno if Im going myself any favors by still having a fun time sexually as much as I can or if I would have felt less pent up trying to be more of a virgin nun lifestyle. :::

Otherwise, everything is going really great after my bottom surgery a couple months ago! Really happy with it all. It has been such a huge relief to never tuck again even if nothing else, seriously. And I just kinda dig what I look like naked now... which is great!

I had lunch with an old friend of mine a while ago, we did university together in the early 2010s. Its the first he'd seen me since I started HRT. Fucker ordered my lunch wtf, dude. Don't order for me. Affirming misogyny???

God made trans girls to frolick in the fields and laugh with joy, not for worrying about her phobic parents.

Feels weird remembering someone's pronouns and special interest but not their name

(After 11 straight hits of wokeness) making fun of anime pfps is transmisogynistic

::: spoiler Had a weird transition milestone tonight. (mild NSFW) I was in the bar of one of the most expensive hotels in my city, waiting for a work event. I had a phenomenal fit on, cute dress, knee high boots, etc. I thought I was coding corporate alt lesbian, but I think I might have been giving off dominatrix/sex worker.

A very well dressed but somewhat slovenly older man in his 50s or 60s approached me, complimented my boots, started hitting on me and he asked me if I was alone and wanted to join his party. I politely declined because I have my work thing (and work in the morning, it's Thursday).

I think he was a sugar daddy chaser and I missed a chance to get free cocaine, my dick sucked and/or murdered. Wow??? :::

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FCUK FUCKING YOUTUBE I HATE YOU FUUUUUCK

this podcast is not about what you would think

Down with the admins for not pinning the new mega fr

Finally got to the part of hrt where my sex drive is basically nothing, wonder if it will come back or if I'll be ace now. I know its very typical for it to come back but this is so chill. And its been drastically reduced like this for a bit so pretty sure this is what's going on and not a normal fluctuation. god I love not being a horny mess.

Every now and again the libraries in my county closed down for "training" 🙄 yeah sure, the real purpose to to keep me from learning too much. The government fears me and knows my thirst for knowledge is never ending, become someone the government fears comrades go read some queer/feminist/anti imperial/vegan theory we all on some list by now might as well make it to the top

Who would win:

-1000s of critically acclaimed, influential, important, probably really good shows, books, movies, manga and other works of art i havent checked out but should

-genderswap slop

::: spoiler discussing about the thingies that are growing in my chest Boobs are amazing

I love having my little small almost imperceptible boobies, I love that they poke through my shirt as inconvenient as it is. I probably need a bra, but there are so many problems with just buying one right now...

BUT I LOVE THEM, I LOVE HAVING A BUNCH OF FAT ACCUMULATING IN MY CHEST :::

Orchi recovery is going really well!! I can't wait for everything to fully heal up, but already feeling really good about the change

I rarely post in here but this place has helped me with my own struggles alot and I just wanted to say that I appreciate you all!

I dont have anything more to add

I had to do a phone interview thing for a job and wow... I suck at having to do interviews holy shit. I choked immediately on the first thing they asked me lmao

I got three independent compliments on my outfit today and don't really know what to do with that.

!! ENGAGING !!

All of them were from people who are historically nice to me so I can discount the meaning since they'd have reason to be nice even if it didn't look that good. Now if they were strangers I'd be forced to take it at face value

!! DISENGAGING !!

It is a pretty nice outfit though, albeit simple. I'm going clothes shopping this weekend since I got rid of 90% of my boy clothes, so we'll see if I can get more cool stuff.

Opens up gay porn book

There's a lot of gay porn in this book

Ngl I'm afraid I'll spend my years being the potential woman.

They'll call me 007

0 days presenting femme in public

0 effort made in transitioning

7 sessions of crying per day

Always "if I'll start thinking of myself as a woman" and "when I'll lose weight".

I am trans and gay.

Kind of crazy I'm already at the point with electrolysis where I need to pause a while to check for regrowth. Will miss seeing my electrologist for a bit

I guess arm hair clears better than face.

I bought boxer panties and some gender neutral to femme accessories and clothing, but nothing too blatantly GIRL. I can just say I thought they were just men's underwear and it'll be fine. I wanted to buy this cute goth dress that's cheap, a skirt, some thigh high's and feminine pants but I'll leave that for next time.

Been watching Louis Theroux's Manosphere, but feeling somewhat ambivalent about the whole thing as a trans lesbian communist. Like I know all these guys suck already. I'm not attracted to them or concerned about any masculinity that I don't have.

I keep accidentally reading the mega title as jakarta method instead

Met my friend's gf for the first time, he does remember my name so that's good. Re introducing myself would have been so awkward. Apparently she's heard a lot about me 🤔 she also used my name, I don't think anyone has known my true name without me introducing myself first so that's a bit weird. Not that I necessarily didn't want her to know or anything, idk. Might have to follow up with him and make sure they both know I'm not really out to anyone else.

A few irl people have told me I can message them if I need anything or if I'm not doing well or whatever and I have only taken people up on this offer a couple of times and idrk if I will again. I don't feel like they are actually up for dealing with me at my worst.

Which is really the time I want someone the most, but it's so useless. When I'm feeling all hopeless and miserable and suicidal and dysphoric and hating everything I really don't feel like there's a consistent way to pull me out of that. Why would I even message them it's so depressing.

No prizes for guessing how I've been doing

cooked in my nightgown earlier today. Now it smells like food and I'm not sure if this is a good or a bad thing

I don't know for sure but there's this client at work who I think is looking at me in an off-putting way. I came out of the bathrooms to wash my hands and he was just waiting in the hall outside looking at me with this strange little smile on his face. He didn't need to be waiting like that, both bathrooms were open at that point which he should know since he's been here a while.

He also put his hand on my shoulder some months ago in a weirdly familiar way, but that confuses me more because I wasn't as femme then. Perhaps he likes it all? Or maybe he's just friendly and a little awkward?

I feel bad for being somewhat uncomfortable about it because he hasn't done anything wrong (except the shoulder thing I didn't like that), and it feels so aggrandizing to think someone is attracted to me. Idk

Deciding not to engage with arguments on here (outside of upbears) has been so good for my mental health. I still get baited sometimes, but I've been getting better at it.

This sleepy ass girl really invited me down to visit for the weekend and then immediately proceeded to sleep from 1 pm to past midnight lol

Clothes shopping online sucks. Idk if I like the clothing or if I just find the model wearing it attractive

Stop using convection to warm yourself you are not food!!!! We should be using radiant heating like sunlight, hydronic systems and fire, big Duct wants us all to truly be cooked don't fall for this 😭

It cannot be overstated how swag this dress is... I looove it love it love it. Who knew life could be like this??

Girl condition: sick as fuck ans wheezing and coughing

Girl descision: 60 km bike ride on empty stomach

Hate how the only way I can force myself to take care of myself is if I'm seeing someone I care about. Not even taking care of yourself properly is the most humiliating, awful thing ever. Okay well other then that one specific thing I like complaining about.

Remember to drink some water today

I felt really good yesterday

Only day in a while I had caffeine :very-smart:

Getting real nervous looking in the mirror. I'd be shocked if someone else noticed right now but we've got quite a bit of summer and the chance of them getting bigger during that time... egh. I'm so scared of it I could cry.

Local idiot takes medicine that makes your boobs grow and then cries because its boobs are growing. FUCK I hate the idea of having to be out full time. And I hate feeling hopeless to make enough money to move out. I have to stay closeted until the end of summer so I can get to blue state.

I've got a "phone screen" (on MS Teams, so not what I would call a phone screen but whatevs) for a job this afternoon! I'm fairly well qualified and it's one of the rare situations where being trans may actually be an asset?? I hope it goes okay...

I got dissed by the clothes shopping app.

My for you page was recommending me the category of "pre-teen girl clothes"

Do I have the "trans girl wearing clothes clearly not for her age" problem?

::: spoiler sex Was talking with friends at work and sex came up and reminded me all of the sudden that I'm still a virgin and never been desired. I feel disgusting and unwanted and ugly and it's probably going to get even worse when I'm out because I'm putting myself into a niche category of people who would even be interested in me

And it sucks too because I feel like it's such a male-coded thing to be distressed about one's virginity so I feel erotically inapplicable and dysphoric all at one 🙃 :::

I've been using my wireless headphones with a wire because my computer didn't have wifi/bluetooth. But, with doing that, I didn't have my mic. That kinda sucked and since I've been playing games with online people more I figured I'd finally buy an adapter and use them wirelessly. I really like not having the cable, it was always too short and annoying. But now I have to deal with all the shit that comes with bluetooth. They randomly disconnect sometimes, don't know why. But the bigger issue I have is any time I open a game my background stuff loses a ton of quality and its very distracting. Apparently this is because bluetooth has to split the bandwidth between the mic and sound. How is this still an issue?? I bought a nice adapter too, bt 5.3. And I don't know how to disable the mic, I use it pretty rarely. So annoying how garbage the audio gets in game though.

finally got around to finding a new therapist and have my first appointment next week,,, this one came recommended from another trans gal, but my brain's still kind of in "hope for the best, prepare for the worst" mode about it

How to keep up with and talk to ppl regularly without being annoying or seeming overly pushy or clingy or whiny or like i dont have anything worthwhile to say and without turning them off me

God the show I went to was awesome!! My friends band fucking killed, this was my first time watching them perform and oh my God I am blown away. God I love trannny bands, there usually the only shows I go to cause like what beats 40 sweaty shirtless tgirls in a mosh pit, but this was at regular bar with cis bands and was still pretty good but way more liberal than I'm used to at shows. Ex. Saying fuck fascists instead of death to amerikkka

I am hot. That is all.

Tomorrow's weather has a 25 degree temperature shift happening in an hour

That's happening right before I'm set to leave work so hopefully it won't feel so hot going home, which is good cause I'm a two layer girlie atm

UP WITH TRANS!!!!

Fastest way to tell if a one piece poster is real or not if they get Yamato's he/him pronouns that's all you need to know if someone is worth listening to. Seeing a slew of youtubers all fail it with some of my goats getting it right makes me happy ngl. It's still slop content but at least I'm not supporting transphobic content/narratives.

I think my biggest fantasy is

::: spoiler pg-13 raciness becoming hotter than I realize to the point where things I do become unbearably attractive to a girl. And after a while I notice her acting strange but write it off as something else—she's having an off day, surely it couldn't be because of me. Maybe I experiment with teasing a bit under the guise of continued naiveté, noting the reaction I get but unable to truly accept that it's my doing, that someone could feel that way about me. Until she can't take it anymore and she basically forces herself onto me and I give her everything she wants. Once I get over the shock I would do anything for her, let her do anything to me in the face of that desire. Like a cursed treasure that drives you mad with greed. Just take me, use me... :::

Gang, being a girlfailure isn't cute anymore. Tynna outgrow that phase but I keep whacked upside the head by random bs circumstances and entropy goblins.

Got to see a friend for a few days I hadn't seen before! It was really fun, even if I was fucking exhausted cause I have a job now (oh yeah I have a job now I never thought it would happen and I'm fucking relieved and ugh life is good) and didn't have energy to do all the things I wanted to and show her around town. But I had a good time! And we ate good food! And we did nerdshit which was really fun ^^

Ugh, so my boobs are getting too big to not be noticeable when I have to boymode and so I need to find some kind of solution here. I need a sports bra or something that flattens my chest without making me feel suffocated. Someone please help me. I’m not good at picking bras.

Gonna have to change my nick to CarcharodollyParton if this continues.

::: spoiler cw:depression

Holy fucking shit this week sucks so much already.

1. Assignment looming over my head

2. supervisor of assignment doesn't respond to my emails

3. I track her down physically only to ruin all my chances of meeting with her because I'm too socially anxious and she's chatting with someone and didn't hear me call out to her

4. how the fuck will i ever manage true professional life?

5. Doctor tells me I gotta come back next week for my appointment for anti-depressants (who knows if I'll even get a prescription)

6. Have a talk with mother where I just say that I don't think she cares for my problems. She gives me a cliche "did you make a new friend these days? Is that why you're acting like this?". This line is so cliche and insensitive and stupid I'm left flabbergasted. Why is my mother such a basic b*tch 0_0? Can't her abuse be more creative? Sassy?

7. My sleep is so bad I've had like, 3 hours of sleep per day for the past few weeks.

8. Health is at a point I'm getting randomly sick and have unstable appetite. Could it be, point 7 has something to do with this?

I know for matters of health that I should take care of it. It's just obvious. And I'm making excuses to not do so. I'm sure many in the mega are kinda tired of seeing me complain about it as well. I'll try to sleep well tonight. Doubt I'll succeed. I've been running semi-frequently as well. It's not as if I've given up fully.

The problem is that I still have too much stress, too much dysphoria, too much depression, too much work, too little energy. If I make effort on one front, another collapses. And if by some miracle I'm fully functional again? Well, the universe has a way of fucking me over. I'm fighting against entropy and in an equilibrium.

:::

I was sorting through all my digital shit and found a backup of my phone's gallery from January 2020. There's uh, depressingly few actual photos its mostly memes and shit like that. And uh, surprisingly lot of memes about Iran and Trump and ww3 so that's some evergreen memes. Also my mental health was clearly not better in the past.

I'm also just one season in

down with cis

::: spoiler Tap for spoiler

My autocorrect correcting "trams" to "trauma" is diabolical

:::

Not trans related but I both need to rant about this and wanted to yap to y'all for a bit:

I've become addicted to the show The Pitt and really wanted to see other people's opinions on it and made the mistake of checking Reddit. I salute those trying to hold things down, making effort posts explaining some of the misogyny on display in the show for example. But omg so many comments are the definition of liberal misogyny, which I guess makes sense since that's largely what those comments are trying to defend or explain away. And the show does make it easy to superficially explain each case away in isolation. I at least feel vindicated that others have least clocked the pattern. Maybe one day I'll emotionally prepare to rewatch the whole thing and take notes and make an effort post, because it feels like a good candidate for a case study on liberal misogyny in media and how it is made invisible to those who really need to wake up and see it.

Fantasise about something nice happening to me or having fun with another person -->

"This is not for me" -->

Fantasy fucking turns off -->

Left feeling blueballed by my own fucking brain -->

Is this the final stage of being cooked?

My friend let me try on some of her clothes and there were two dresses that I liked! Though the pictures I took for posterity didn't turn out that well...

I did learn that uncovered shoulders are a no-go for me at this point, but to have dresses that I think look good on me? Wildddd

Gender Unto Caesar

local trans woman attempts begging to gods via a questionable interpretation of ancient Roman religious festivals to get over her ex and risks making the feelings hurt way worse in the process, more at 11

When she beats people up for you in your dreams

::: spoiler sex I was just jerking off with my vibe and something new happened I had it on the highest setting and I put it in between the glans in a way somehow different than I normally do and I preceded to piss but with like the same like muscle motion as climax so it was like in spurts which surprised the hell out of me and for some reason it smells weird like it only very faintly smells of pee and I have a concert to go to in an hour and now I have to shower so thats peachy but I'm just sitting here flabbergasted :::

I wanna get hand tattoos but I'm worried it would make me like unemployable or something

Hmmm, got really sick at just the right time to be fucked over. The demiurge has his sense of humour. Great comedic timing.

As I had promised previously, I went to bed on time! 9 PM. Then woke up at 11 PM. Went to sleep and woke up at 0:30 AM. Then pretty much the same routine of 60-90 mins of sleep continued.

::: spoiler cw:drugs

Ngl I wish I had like some meth or something to power through this week. Caffeine isn't helping and neither is alcohol. I keep drinking and drinking and just can't muster up the energy to do my work or suppress my cough symptoms.

Of course deep down I know that's not how this works.

:::

New week, new mega!

I went shopping and got two dresses today! Only problem is they only look nice if I've got a belt to define my waist... Think I might try to get a nice leather one off Etsy or something? If anyone has recs I am down.

But that's a problem for another day, it's not like I'd ever try to wear it in public anytime soon

::: spoiler spoiler :::

@sodium_nitride@hexbear.net thank you for the grammar lesson in the last mega btw! I've been putting off responding to it until I've been able to absorb and understand it but that hasn't happened yet :/

I'm not saying that the Australian prime minister should announce we're all converting to Shia Islam and pledge undying support to the Islamic Revolution of Iran...

...but maybe if he did I could get a tank of petrol and government funded vagina. Amirite?

Ryan Gosling in Project Hail Mary is doing it for me... Firstly, hes Ryan Gosling lol but the nerd glasses, messy hair, good with children, optimistic thing...

Working my way through the Viva New Vegas install. I know there's heaps of good rebalancing mods like J Saywer etc...but it's been nearly a decade since I played, the world is awful, I don't need the game to be harder, I need a power fantasy where I'm an unstoppable trans woman.

wtf is going on in my brain when I dream why was I babysitting a 12yo daughter of dagestani immigrants who has unmonitored internet access at a restaurant/console+pc arcade called MCPEEPEE’S

This assignment has taught me that even when I'm sick and suffering from depression, having 4 days to do what was meant for 5 weeks, I can actually just do it. By locking tf in. By not giving into despair. By asking for help from the professor even though it's embarrassing to show up so late.

Will I apply these life lessons in other aspects of my life? Fuck no. Actually, maybe. I'm allowed to try. I want to have a positive attitude and stop being my own worst enemy.

Ive got so much shit to be writing.

I'm doing a presentation/discussion/teach-in style thing about trans history for TDOV and I'm quite excited for it. I think Ill do the mega post on TDOV itself.

Lol I ended up installing every single mod on the Viva New Vegas list except JSawyer. I had thought about doing the Wabbajack install but I wanted to know what I was adding. Very excited.

::: spoiler new dysphoria unlocked

So usually I don't get voice dysphoria. But today I did! It's cause my cold made my voice super deep during the presentation I had to give in front of 100 people.

Also by pure chance I was the literal first speaker.

I guess usually my voice just sounds too pitched for me to care about my voice.

:::

Oh my fucking god I feel so lonely and shit at night why can't I feel even a little tired yet. Still need to draft the message I plan to send but still fuck me.

Update on a new era of having emotions:

I’m learning a lot about moss and how it retains moisture and what the different shades mean for its health and how it feels when it dries out. For now my only way to wet it is to dunk it in floodwaters. There’s probably better ways to do it, but those will take time to build. Through trial and error I have a rough idea of how long to let it soak, how long to let it drip after, and how long to go between wettings. There’s still a lot to learn about how factors in my life affect it, but as I’ve put together the basics of a healthy environment for it, I’ve seen it start to grow. I’m not going to try to anticipate what it will grow into.

Sitting in the train and get randomly flashbanged by this lady talking about lord of the mysteries and Chinese webnovels with her friend.

Back from my bike ride, washed up, ate dinner, shot hormones now gonna sleep.

Highlights of the day:

1. Failing to aquire the bread I set out on this trip to aquire. Lost 3 euros on the pre-order

2. Belgium is pretty. Lots of greenery and shit. Nice 10-15 degree weather.

3. Stopped at Pizza restaurant. Took the order and went outside to eat (they didn't have chairs, it was takeout only). I guess i looked sad and pathetic enough that the owner invited me to his room and gave me water. People taking unprompted pity on me is something that happens often enough that there seems to be a pattern. Like, siblings, I may be a little ball of sadness but I can stand strong on my own 2 feet!

4. Hmm, bought some baklava. Yummy, ate some baklava. Horrifying, syrup on my hands! Solution, I need to piss 0_0

My work forbids tank-and crop tops. Which I think is a great injustice, cause I love my shoulders.

I can't handle this heat anymore, give me winter please. Said she, knowing that winter will be only a couple weeks of 20°c max temps and that's all.

I lost my shit at a transphobic housemate today. My house is a sober living for queer people, but specifically trans people, trans is in the name of the house. The gay people are allowed here conditionally on not being transphobic pieces of shit. Well, go to a house meeting with some of the straight houses and one of the guys makes a transphobic joke. I ask him what the fuck he means by what he just said, and he says something blatantly transphobic that isn't a joke. I call him out, my house director calls him out and we leave before the meeting even starts. Except one cis gay guy.

Cis gay guy comes back to the house, and starts raising shit about me being "rude" over this straight dude's blatant transphobia. He then says that I called him slurs like "cisgender". Yes, he said cisgender is a slur. He said that I was mean to him over his accidental transphobia. This is when another cis gay man of the house instantly stood up and instantly defended me saying I use the fucking kids gloves when calling out members of the house, including sometimes the guy who was defending me.

Later transphobic cis dude comes around and tries to give me a bullshit apology to try to placate me. I ignored it and went on with the conversation I was having with the housemates I actually like. He then slams the door and tells me to suck a dick, proving that he didn't actually feel bad about what he did and said, and just wanted to smooth things over with me.

Me and the director of this house have put ourselves in some really shitty situations defending this guy too. I have narcanned him. He has had the ambulance called to this house from overdosing. Most sober livings would kick him out (including the other houses in the non-profit), but me and the director let him stay here to sober up. Should have sent him to go overdose living in his car, the world would be better for it.

Bit worried my T might not be fully suppressed or maybe this is normal

::: spoiler genitals Wake up sometimes with a semi and feeling horny... Not as bad as before hrt but I don't understand. They were definitely completely gone I don't know why they're (half) back.

::: Taking 4mg EEn weekly

Turns out it's only a high of 75 today with raina waina in the afternoon. My decision to delay getting an AC unit continues to be rewarded 😎

I did wear an outfit I think I like a lot but waiting for opinions from work friends today before I get too big for my britches

There's gotta be like, more to transitioning than downloading transfemme memes.

::: spoiler typical whining ::: spoiler suicide This stuff is definitely going to kill me. I can't take the constant suffering. The dysphoria. All of the social things. I really can't describe or make anyone understand how bad it hurts but to say I'm going to kill myself over it.

Its hopeless. For several reasons. There is nothing that could actually happen that would make the suffering stop. I am tired of this.

Moving out and hrt are obviously both important, especially in not making things worse, but they are not enough. Nothing is enough.

I wish I could be happy. Normal. A simple, cis, npc. I hate this constant suffering I am trapped in. I don't even think I can get better enough to actually move out and shit. I just need to kill myself fuck this shit ass life and these shit ass people.

If I can move out then I probably have at least two years, if not prolly only one year. When I come out living at home will be even more unbearable. I don't know why I plan on sticking around for another year. I have no hope and am in constant pain. Why do I do this shit to myself.

All this from being dealt a shit hand. I didn't even realize how and why it was so shit until way too late. Figuring it out earlier wouldn't have saved me anyway. I was always, always destined to be a miserable, hateful, awful piece of shit who kills itself.

Oh well. There's nothing to be done about it now. Just a little longer.

Why can't I get over the hump and actually just finally kill myself. :::

No foolin I would go so hard as the dead friend

Finishing touches to Vegas modding, Casino unbanner (I like to set it to about a week, so it feels less exploitive but punitive enough, like the Casino is going, hey take a break and come back later). And follower formula redone, that makes your Charisma determine your follower limit like the original games (I plan on mainly having Boone, Veronica and Arcade for their points you need to get).

Babylon 5! You are in for a SUCH a ride! Season 1 is like a prolonged almost. I bounced off a couple of times when watching it at first but it's probably in my eyes the most improved by a rewarch season of tv. After you've seen the whole show and notice the incredibly subtle setups during moments you dont even remember from the dirst watch cause they seemed so mundane at the time.

i'm trying to get tud out there. everyone is gonna be a tud by 2027

Sometime ago, my parents took me to watch this (Indian nationalist) action movie about some Indian intelligence officer infiltrating the karachi mafia for vague anti-terror operations.

Only thing I remember besides some vague shit from the plot and cringe aura farming attempts is that the villain's actor was kinda hot (´･ω･`)

I spent the movie just looking at that guy ...

Somehow quite gender affirming.

Imagine my surprise then to find out that the actual person IRL was a 29 year old scrawny dude who looked like he was a college student and the worst drug he ever did was monster energy drinks.

Feel the best games are ones that are made when the studio feels like it's gonna shut down tbh or anything that doesn't have "franchise" slapped on it. Earlier yakuza games did not give a fuck and killed so many people in them but later ones have a pressing need to go "don't worry they are safe just playing secret agent so that's why you won't see them" and that just makes me think what's the fucking point. I got a soft spot for dead souls I'll admit and Ryuji surviving 2 is a bit odd (tho I feel they been building up with this one at least since kiwami 2) but they actually do something with him in that game and seeing someone try to pick their life back together move on and find a father figure who turns into a squid is kinda beautiful

Moment my cough goes away I'll be back to doing runs. This time I'll make them daily! Trust!

Saw 'you might be friends" on Facebook of a school friends little brother at what looked to be pride (shirtless wearing cowboy hat and a shirtless man with rainbow bandana next to him). Was like good for him. Clicked the profile and text says "believes the matrix is real" oh shit maybe not.

I hven't seen all of it either but that was a pretty interesting show.

I am so tired of shit. I just had my two days off but I want more. I'm so sick of doing shit. I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF ALL THE SHIT I HAVE TO DO AND SUFFER THROUGH AND ALL OF THIS BULLSHIT

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::: spoiler depression/suicide/dysphoria FUUUU I hate my life. Fuck this stupid awful shit. I hate feeling miserable all the time, I hate how empty it feels, I hate the hopelessness, I hate how fucking boring it all is. I hate feeling like shit in my body, I hate feeling like shit about my voice. I HATE THE CONSTANTNESS OF THIS ALL. I know this collection of symptoms is depression, HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO NOT BE DEPRESSED??? FUCKING, ANY ONE OF THESE ISSUES WOULD BE ENOUGH TO RUIN SOMEONE'S MENTAL!! And this doesnt include any of the wider future societal problems! I don't understand how the fuck anyone dealing with this isn;t depressed and wanting to kill themselves! It is beyond me!

I feel so shit. I want to kill myself. :::

I have only seen a few episodes of Babalon 5. I think its excellent, excellent. I remember a few plotlines even explicitly being non-liberal in their conclusions 👀

also this gem : (cw - bad sex joke) https://vimeo.com/1176554083

They should make a darkened skye sequel

::: spoiler It was a pretty rough week (CW: dysphoria related to physical contact) I like to think of myself as someone who has a good handle on her mind - things can be unwrapped and packaged with care. I knew my consult on Monday was going to be tough, but I'm asked to deal with thoughts and words regularly. People are often clumsy.

I haven't had to deal with touch in years. It was less than a minute, but it hit me with such force. There wasn't anything large enough to pack those feelings away in. I spent the rest of the week feeling like I was in a fog. Working, eating, sleeping - because that's what I have to do. When I finally had a chance to spend a day with my girlfriend, I started crying as soon as I heard her voice. Guess it really got to me.

I don't ever want to be touched there again. :::

On a more positive note, the last episode of Ikoku Nikki aired on Saturday and it was so lovely. Half the episodes made me cry. What a beautiful story.

I have not seen past season 1 of this show yet

Nice! I envy you, it's an amazing ride. I wish I could see it again for the first time.

Advice: Don't watch the opening credits for seasons 2 and 3 until you're about 4 episodes in to each. Depending on where and how you're watching, the opening credits have major spoilers for those seasons' first few episodes.

Another bad week come and gone. It's a bit amusing to me I always say to people that this past week has been rough or bad or whatever, THEY'RE ALL FUCKING BAD! LIFE IS FUCKING BAD!

Mark Hamill's was pretty fucking good I won't lie and obvs I would have wanted more in the English dubs of the series but something second best would have been continuing the legacy of dubs making people with osakan accents sound like southern hicks. Thing with Majima is he doesn't normally talk like that it's an over exaggerated bit he's been doing and is even called out by saejima for it in 4 so hearing funny eye patch man speaking like foghorn leghorn would have been great.

New mega coming up in a little bit.