HELLO THIS IS THE MEGA SIGN UP POST/LIST POST

if you have a preferred week please tell me

meler* (3/23 - 3/29)
Shaleesh* (3/30 - 4/5)
Carcharodonna* (4/6 - 4/12)
GayTuckerCarlson* (4/13 - 4/19)
Busgirl (4/20 - 4/26)
SwitchyandWitchy* (4/27 - 5/3)
Disaster_of_Passion* (5/4 - 5/10)
sodium_nitride* (5-11 - 5/17)
peanutbuttercupola* (5/18 - 5/24)

​ * after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters

Yall have fallen for my trap . Been upvoting my posts for a long time ...

If youre using /tttt/ and youre dysphoric a lot you should stop using /tttt/

If it hurts to touch the hot stove, stop touching the hot stove.

The mtf sub is such a shitshow fuck those mods

Been half wanting to make an effort post explaining the whole situation but just look at tw*tter if you want to see the latest shitshow from the clowns.

Tldr with no posted proof though: one of the mods is a convicted pedophile. Got exposed as such. Head, power mod told her to make a new account and he wanted her back to mod. Mod team is now deleting any posts about this and 10s of millions of people on twitter are reading this fucking story. Head mod is also lying about the situation (including wildly downplaying what she actually did/has been doing).

god I really should just make the effortpost but its a lot fuck me.

Talking to an acquaintance in a social setting.

Them: do I detect you are a comrade?

(Me lowering filter)

Me: oh yeah I'm a communist...

Them: I'm more of a democratic socialist.

(Filter back up 50%)

Me: oh cool haha

Damn I really want to get out and maybe hopefully get a partner. Hopefully this time next year.

When in doubt, blame the 5G towers! Mom is already 'skeptical' in regards to 5G towers. Who knows? It might work.

Some of my learners were complimenting my style, saying I always dress really well and fashionable. I told them:

"Every time I step outside, no matter what I wear, there are people who want to kill me for how I look. It might as well be a look to die for."

wtf is going on with DIY suppliers, many of the big ones seem to have gone down in the last few weeks. i hear chud news sources got the spotlight on them recently? i have enough to last maybe a couple more years but this is concerning

if it comes to having to buy from darkweb suppliers that only sell on TOR markets ig i know enough to navigate that, but what's happening rn is concerning

HAPPY 2 YEAR HRT ANNIVERSARY!!

I am going to complain here that, that, so much mental health related groups are so extremely and intensely liberal. I really love to talk with others who are also plurals who may or may not have DID/OSDD and such but gosh I really can’t deal with the awful politics anymore 😵💔 I need a communist plural server like YESTERDAY! UGH AAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Also just to complain I have been dissociating so much it is impacting my studies AGAIN <:(

but on a positive note i am learning and trying weh

::: spoiler transphobia ig?, mention of suicide and sexual harassment My mom found my HRT medication a few days ago. Things haven't been going well.

Normally i take my HRT with me so i have access to it at all times no matter where i am. I kept my usual medication along with some vials in case i was desperate and out of options in my work bag. One day when i was walking my dog, i absentmindedly left my bag at home. When i realized that i shrugged it off and said "nah, it'll be fine" because my mom makes a big deal about privacy and respecting boundaries. Those don't apply when you're 19 and still in the house apparently!

She sat me down and asked me what i was doing with these drugs. I had to explain everything that happened between me and my now ex, how suicidal i was before HRT and why i took it. It was a stressful conversation that ended in me having to tell my mom my partner coerced consent from me several times for their own sexual pleasure. Eventually she said that we'll "revisit this conversation" after telling me i'm "toying with my hormones" and that it'll "get me killed". I'm doing DIY through my own research and checking in w my trans comrades both online and irl, for context.

With the way things are looking i might have to move out, run away, something - anything. I can't let her keep controlling me and i'm not gonna change that by living with her. :::

reddit warned me for anti-British posting so I'm stopping by to say death to the British, may transgender missiles rain down on them

when chuds refer to disagreeing with the "trans lifestyle" i'm going to assume they're talking about the choice to use distros like arch and nixos instead of more mainstream ones like ubuntu

Joy! I'm getting back on HRT! And taking a trip!

::: spoiler spoiler It's a good news/bad news situation. I've given up hope and I'm moving overseas. I don't know how long I'll be able to survive, but I at least want to be away for midterm elections. On the bright side, I'll be going to a very trans-friendly country and I'll be able to afford HRT, which is absurdly expensive in my state. :::

i think i need to stop blasting my brain with constant tttt exposure, and remember that im well liked irl, i have a good social life, im not entirely unattractive, there's no reason for me to be zapping my brain into incoherence and an inability to take action.

I want a beautiful nice lady to take care of me and treat me like a treasured possession or pet :((((

want to be wanted so bad that they'd exert that level of control over me if they had the opportunity

I met an Uber driver whose wife is a nurse, he drops her off at the hospital then drives until her shift is over and picks her upso they can have time off together.

Sometimes dudes rock. That's almost lesbian coded behaviour buddy.

my booba are still small but lately they feel more solid, like they don't flatten out when i lie down and i can feel them when i press my chest against a pillow or something

::: spoiler transphobia A bunch of kids were transphobic to me when I walked by a playground yesterday. And I don't know I just can't stop thinking about the event in a positive light??? It's like. I didn't try to girlmode or anything. I had some beard scruffles and was wearing gender neutral clothes, and somehow they knew I wasn't a guy? Granted, they used that information in a bad way, but they knew just by looking at me walking by that I wasn't a guy. Idk it just feels weirdly nice :::

one upside of the too-tight sports bras I have (see previous mega comment) is that its both soooo nice to take off at the end of the day and then also a lil euphoric to recognize that relatable experience

Actually coming around to this bra because it's helping me boymode more effectively!

::: spoiler cw:kinda sad, idk what else

All conversations I have with my mom now have that lethargic, unenthusiastic and fake/empty energy to them.

It's the same kind of conversation that all the emotionally unavailable and apathetic men of our family engage in.

It's all she wanted, for me to wear my male mask, but now she complains that talking to me ain't fun anymore.

:::

I scored a 3/30 on the self esteem assessment 🙃 and my therapist said that I'm much cooler than I think I am and then I cried

Getting called problematic when I ask my drug dealer where's my drug 🥺

Men with long hair are hot I fear

Okay finally something good, Slay the Spire 2 has been the most fun I've had in a game in a long time. I love deckbuilders and this is perfect. Used to love playing dominion but haven't had anyone to play with in a long time. But its PvE, has coop or single player, its just great. Reconnected with a couple friends and have played several games already. Would rec.

I chose a really bad time to want to order more e. The only homebrewer in my country has closed shop indefinitely because of that silly media hitpiece, and every time I have ordered from overseas customs has taken it and sent me a love letter claiming that they seized "androgenic substances" (yeh it's basically the opposite of what I ordered lmao).

Feeling glad that I have a reasonable stockpile, but I do need to sort this out within the next two years. I don't want to make my own vials, but I will do it if I am forced to.

Transition update:

I've always been on the skinnier side, but lately I've been putting on more weight at my hips and my trousers are getting a little tight around there.

Breast development continues, they're at a point that I'm comfortable with now, but I can feel another round of growth setting in. Here's hoping the family curse doesn't strike me, 'cos I don't wanna go through all the bullshit women with larger chests get.

Still having trouble wrestling control of the tangled mass of ringlets my hair becomes if it's allowed to grow longer than ~shoulder length.

what's the name of that one trope where a masked, mysterious character who doesn't say anything, usually an antagonist or someone who saves the protagonist for unknown reasons, gets gendered as male for like a whole season but then has a dramatic reveal where they remove their helmet and it turns out they were a GIRL ALL ALONG??? 😱😱😱

idk what that trop is called but that's my gender

::: spoiler voice dysphoria + cis ppl Okay so I was complaining about stuff the other day and just generally telling this cis person about last week which I think everyone here knows was really rough for me. Anyway everything was pretty normal until I mentioned being super dysphoric/upset/hopeless about my voice and she looked visibly confused. And she was like, well I have a deeper voice, you don't have to sound like a valley girl or anything. And we talked about it a bit and she still just seemed confused? This is the second time a cis person has done this on me. I really don't get it? Like yes voice is less quantifiable then other things, but I mean it's still pretty obviously dimorphic. And I get they aren't going to understand how painful having the wrong voice is but they could at least understand that I don't sound like a woman?? Idk. :::

Kind of need to rant, but being stuck in my parents means having to hear Bll Mher.

::: spoiler (CW: discussion of transphobia) Transphobia gets a textbook opposition with “the enemy is too strong and too weak”. Because Americans think trans people are bad, dems should not support them and be transphobic because the ever-so-omniscient normies somehow know everything….but at the same time. They still somehow convinced all the medical institutions to endorse trans people because everyone is too scared to bully the very weak and stupid out-group even though everyone actually hates you if you do support us: enemy is too strong and too weak.

Really cool to hear someone actually bring this up and say. “I don’t care! It’s ideologically motivated! I’m transphobic because I’m a genius and know everything!”

Pick one. Are we just a tiny minority of idiots too stupid to understand what a sex is, and thus should be ignored? Or are we a powerful pressure on scientific institutions with an evil goal of forcing people to transition because we somehow are gender essentialists who want to invert gender roles for the fun of it?

PICK. ONE. :::

If we’re wrong. How about you let us be wrong in peace? You tell us to get off people’s cases when they’re bigoted. So if being trans is somehow a political opinion (which it isn’t) then let me have my bad idea in peace while you just enjoy being smarter than me!

What? Should we arrest smokers? They’re wrong, but I see none of these smug genius types trying to use the law to throw smokers in jail!

I wish chuds a very “learn to accept not everyone can be as perfect as you, and stop taking my shortcomings so personally.”

Stop! This is a happiness checkpoint!

You may now continue

::: spoiler idk

I keep lying all the time to everyone I know irl. Afraid of telling the truth. Telling the truth always comes with punishment. So why do it?

I'm the real life slipping Jimmy (except way dumber).

:::

Having impure thoughts about a friend (⁠*⁠﹏⁠*⁠;⁠) she left a nice note for me on my desk but I don't see her until Thursday...

Submitting insurance claims always feels like wasting time. I know there's a chance it works, but the (near) inevitable frustration makes me not want to even try.

Of course, that's what they want.

12 weeks, 13 injections. The amount of liquid in my vial is going down, but it was a lot more than I expected, well, that's normal I guess but it kinda makes me anxious about getting another one.

Up with Trans!

Any of u have recs for upsetting/gross/brural/transgressive trans (especially transfem but any is good) horror? Found out i rly like that and want more

Have already read Brainwyrms and Exquisite Corpse, and have Manhunt and GFMs other works next on the list (looking for recs of any media not just books, for the record)

Oof, am mostly stealth at my current work(bosses know, but noone else should), but yesterday I got misgendered for the first time, hope it was just a mistake, and not a sign of me being clocked. Else, I work with a cuban gusano, who keeps complaining that the cuban goverment uses the embargo as "an excuse" to embezzle money.

My enanthate arrived today! Now I have E for at least 2 years! And I can give some away if needed!

I forget how much I hate going out

Feeling dysphoric in my room is not as bad as going out and feeling dysphoric and envious

Down with cis!

::: spoiler medical issues, gross Just had bloody stool and am a little scared, I have a history with this and it's just such this happens like every six months my gi decides to try and kill me :::

A bit anxious tbh. I just need to rehearse talking about things again. The thoughts are there, but it's gotten a bit dusty.

Big day coming up.

Back on the progchamp as of today!! 200mg this time, wondering if I'll see more of an effect on either libido or booba size...

Also I want to start being more intentional about diet and exercise so I can be hot! Tips for getting a fatter ass and hips are appreciated

hrt making me eat less?? I expected to be hungrier starting puberty again but I've eaten maybe 1200 calories today (most of that fast food too) and I'm getting ready for bed. Going to eat something else before bed so I'm ready for tomorrow dw. On T my maintenance cals are double that. idk why my eating has been messed up lately. Maybe depression, kinda variable how that effects me food wise.

I hate the time gap between ordering stuff online and actually getting it. I'm excited about it now but in a week, who knows. I should at least get to have it for a bit before buyers remorse sets in.

I'm gonna start upgrading my grammar; too many commas; too few semi-colons.

::: spoiler horny-ish E horny is sooooooooo different. I actually want to kiss now. I really didn't like it, I just did it for the other person mostly. But now I really want to do it. I want to kiss a girl so good and make her beg for more, but I got no one to do anything with :::

::: spoiler existential, depression Only so many days I ever get to experience and I keep wasting them in this awful, miserable haze. I have felt awful all of today for no particular reason. god it hurts so bad. I am just dragging myself through life. This is horrible :::

Going to throw out my garbage + some misc stuff I don't need anymore. With the move I really should start getting more ready if I can.

Struggling with "do I like looking this way or am I just my type" again

::: spoiler horny posting I guess (it's either this or depression posting)

Marrying a girl and a boy at the same time would be so amazing. The bisexual dream. And then me and my wife will double team our straight cissy boy cutie patotie husband and milk him fr fr

:::

Had a nightmare I found a baby in a parking lot 😬 I swear Ive had this one before. Just a baby in a gravel parking lot crying in a Moses style basket and no one else is around or close. To be clear, the nightmare is the kid is in danger - I would be fine and am in the dream with keeping the kid safe after finding them. They used to pay me to take care of medically delicate kids lol

My obsession with making a DIY computing device continues, and I finally went ahead and ordered a display and an assortment of buttons to test for the keyboard. I ordered an hdmi adapter board to help test the display, but I still need to figure out how to convert the display 30-pin mipi dsi display ribbon to 22-pin raspberry pi, and it seems I might be able to just route the signals correctly instead of having to do anything fancy with additional chips? Aside from maybe a display driver on the pi side. I’m new to this stuff and really don’t know, however, so I guess I won’t know what I’m missing until I actually try it out.

This device would also have a cool sliding screen that slides up and reveals a physical keyboard, similar to some blackberry or sidekick style phones in the 2000s. I anticipate this being a major hurdle, along with the display and figuring out a carrier board, but I do now have an idea now of how I might do this. I just need to start modeling it up and then get some cheap hardware like shafts and springs.

I’ll probably fail at these grand ideas I have but it’s fun to think about and it’ll be fun to experiment and try to make them work. Hopefully I won’t have to compromise too much to get something that works at all.

EDIT: Also DEATH TO AMERICA

Every time I feel my spirit breaking from this pile of shit called the economy I remember my self worth isn't tied to my employment, my swagger doesn't come from how much I have but my drive to learn more 😎

I love the ambiguity of my identity. Actually, I think I don't always like to define myself. I'm not anti-labeling, I guess I just really lean into the -fluid part of me. I take on a form in the moment, in the context. The core part of me is more xeno, and the relationship to gender becomes defined by the lack thereof.

::: spoiler [cw:preg]

Modern technology is a marvel. I yearn to get pregnant and have a cute baby to hold and breastfeed . Technologically possible for me to achieve. Sociologically a bit tough still ...

:::

You can read the above words and laugh at this silly girl who still has thoughts of "what if I'm cis and this is all a mistake?"

most neurotic person i know told me "oh my god, you're so neurotic" jokingly, it may be over

Really frustrating and sad and disappointing when I only get to talk in group for (literally) two minutes.

the people who say yamato is bad trans rep... saying that he didnt want to become a man, just oden. Like, clearly you have never met a tboy who idolizes a dude or fictional character so much it becomes a catalyst for their transness. Using myself as an example with the plethora of anime men I like 👀

I apologize if I had an incorrect use of a semi-colon, I can never remember the proper use case

::: spoiler horny (maybe? idk) my yearning fixation the past few days has been to be what my brain is articulating as "Big Spoon Sub." like even if it's my arms holding her close I want the energy to be that she's the one possessing me. :::

Did you know, I love you? Yes, you specifically

YOULL HAVE TO EXCUSE ME IM NOT AT MY BEST
IVE BEEN DRUNK FOR A WEEK I NEED HOME FOR A REST

hell yeah, just found out that there is official canon confirmation that Hikaru (the summer Hikaru died) is aroace. Being an entity whose romanctic feelings and attraction are complicated by their ability to relate to people, very very cool. 😎

oof I feel terrible

Got some stuff done today. I'm happy. Took a lot of effort, but I feel good now.

If we don't kill the entity know as data centers now cities and housings are gonna be built around them using the hot water they generate for hot water and heating. On the real heat recapture is neat and real efficient especially in more colder areas but I will loathe the discourse of "sorry sweaty bombing the big booba ai data center will inconvenience the poor working class people who depend on it for heating"

Real aside I'm glad I studied hydronics and I'm further studying more plumbing stuff. This shit might come to pass especially when the owners of the land the data centers are built on realize they can branch into being a utility company shit

my headcanon for baiken guilty gear is that she's trans and that's why her boobs keep getting bigger.

I was really hoping I'd feel better when the weather got better

I fucking hate my parents so much. I'm sure they mean well but I'm so fucking tired of being pressured by them while being depressed

Breaking a bad habit is like "ah almost slipped" but then it's like wtf else am I supposed to do with my time then I ran out of brain juice to read, it's too hot to walk around and I can't just go to sleep rn.

Holy shit my tits itch

Black cumin is so good, got it for the health reason but now I just put it in all my food and drink tea out of it

dark souls going from "some game people play that's really popular" to "a game shared between trans people, becoming a bonfire of resistance and hope" to me, not a perspective shift I expected to happen this year.

Don't you dare go hollow

https://youtu.be/TIDShT8cb4g

Me talking about my favorite gaming console: more like the gaycube amirite?

About to watch I Saw The TV Glow, will come back with thoughts after

Bad Brain^tm^ strikes again, it ate one of our planned mega topics last year I think

a hold over from my single life I still get vids on how to find a relationship advice and all that in my feed, gotta let the algorithm know somehow I got an amazing partner

::: spoiler medical crap had a cardiologist appointment yesterday, he told me that on the old diagnostic criteria i wouldn't have been diagnosed with ADHD because i made it through school and university. he also kinda implied that it's childhood trauma instead which i think was his attempt to get me to stop taking stimulants. strange thing for a cardiologist to focus on. even considering stimulants' effect on increased HR, i still had tachycardia symptoms before taking them

and like, gender dysphoria wasn't a thing on the DSM-IV. neither was a cormordid autism/ADHD diagnosis. why tf would you bring up outdated criteria in the first place, is it not outdated for a reason?

also to add, the last cardiologist i saw didn't do any of that shit. he just asked "are the meds helping? cool, i won't try to take them from you then." ts is so frustrating :::

Wild how much eating improves my mood, i just spent half an hour angry at everything and everyone and now after just a few bites of pasta i feel fine for the most part

::: spoiler family stuff Had a weird sleep paralysis/dream tonight.

I'm used to having some dreams and flashes when I'm sleeping and them I can still hear stuff and feel what's happening, but I can't process it while it happens and I usually forget everything.

So back to the thing. I was sleeping and idk if it really happened or not, or even the exact words and It might have been my brain dreaming. But I may have heard my parents discussing about me being gay. Little do they know that I'm gay, FOR WOMEN

I kinda want to come out but it's going to be bad if I do. I don't know what to do really. :::

Trying to not forget my new mega posts while I wait

Yippie! I did my run! I no longer need to be executed but you can still try

::: spoiler cw:wierd horny

They wouldn't be able to execute me cause I'd keep cumming on the way

:::

::: spoiler cw:substance abuse, depression

I procrastinated heavily for an assignment (really bad) and now I feel like shit. Haven't been doing enough work the past few weeks to keep up. Instead of coping by locking tf in, I'm posting and drinking.

Fuck the medical system of this country. God I've tried for so long to get something to fix myself up, Every new meeting is 3 weeks and it's always a waste of time. But it's the only thing I can afford.

Instead of talking to the professor at all, I remained scared that I'd fallen far behind so the prof would only say shit to me. It's my fault, I know. It's always my fault. Why am I such a fucking loser and can't do shit right?

Not taking care of my health or mind has meant I can't focus for 5 FUCKING SECONDS on what I'm supposed to do. Every single part of my existence is broken fucking bury me already, I'm dead anyways.

:::

we wanna talk to people more but it's been hard to think of what to say the past couple days.

Good night everybody!

Relatively positive

::: spoiler trauma discussion

I think I have gotten over some pieces or my trauma. I feel a lot less guilty about many things now. Anger has replaced many of those feelings. Anger at being wronged. Disgust at the people who treat their own daughter like this.

And also joy at seeing America eat shit.

Going back on topic. I do not even want revenge on anyone. I just want to never think about them again. I will build my own life!

:::

Dialling in on upcoming FNV revisit. I've decided I want to build a character who uses the hunting shotgun and lucky.

But unlike my last build where I obsessed over getting critical chance I'm going to settle with 10 luck, finesse and built to destroy. The use true detective stories with comprehension if I need a boost.

I want to wear the Desert Ranger Armour and helmet solely for vibes and I can't really hold my nose long enough to get the lucky shades from the legion.

Why do the comments go weird when the mega is about done like you have to hit a button to see more comments

::: spoiler spoiler

One day, I'll be comfortable enough with my body to become a pole dancer or stripper or both.

:::

That is not how you treat a firearm!

If you get dirt packed into the barrel you're risking a slub round (where the bullet gets stuck inside the barrel) which is incredibly dangerous to yourself and everyone around you! Now we need to clean that barrel, oil it, possibly even machine the end. And it may not fite right ever again. The audacity!

::: spoiler dysphoria, suicide

Genuinely I think if I ever actually looked at myself naked it would be the final push I’d need to kill myself.

:::

Now that I have regained some composure I will say that Connor O'Malley in I Saw The TV Glow was very distracting. When they introduced his character I was like "Huh, that's Connor O'Malley." then cut to the last 10 minutes as I'm sobbing the hardest I ever have in my life and oop it's Connor O'Malley again!

Fred Durst less so, I just thought the dad looked a lot like Fred Durst and then in the credits turns out it's actually him lol

::: spoiler bottom dysphoria Idk what's happening or if I'm just noticing it more lately or what but down there has been sticking to my legs and shit way more and it's fuckin terrible. And I can't even get the skin removed because I want srs. Fuck :::

maybe I should get into pokemon tcg...

she tud me

you ever get that feeling of "oh i should really finish that fanfic, it was so good!" and then you remember that you stopped because it's still being written and you reached the current end?

Thought I fumbled a match because I asked her out immediately, but no it just took her three days to respond

::: spoiler vicious cycle :(

Get stressed about academics ->

Stress eat ->

"Fuck I'm wasting money on eating" ->

Get stressed about finances ->

Distract self with dopamine ->

Fall further behind in academics and return to step 1 ->

:::

i was very high energy all this past week but now i think i'm crashing, just so tired today

thank you everyone, I'm sorry

goodnight mega

I think I just experienced sleep paralysis

Wondering if one of my friends forgot my name.

We are kinda on and off, always reconnect fine but especially with my depression its easy to not talk for months. Anyway this last time I've played games several times with him and while he definitely remembers I'm trans he hasn't called me my name. I wonder if he forgot.

::: spoiler Cw: Depression I've been uncontrollably depressed since yesterday, because of my mom. But I managed to perk up a little after getting on call with friends. I still want to move out of here asap, but I still can't, really. This SUCKS. Maybe I should try moving in with my sister, but idk if it would be good. :::

listening to some classic techno today, and came across this even more ambient dub remix of an already ambient song https://youtu.be/wpyqR3nZ-2A

plumber holds me up for 2 consequetive days

plumber arrives (fucking finally)

plumber male fails me with no warning

"Nah, not today, I'll be back tommorow"

There's this 1 km strip near my place where I've run a grand total of 3 times (making excuses about lack of time is dumb, I know). But still, I've somehow noticed an improvement in stamina. Walking up the stairs and running to catch the train no longer get me breathing. I think it might be a placebo effect cause only 3 times is too small.

Google very blatantly scans my pictures, it creates groups like different people, food, pets, etc. But it doesn't make the text searchable!! Ripping the text would be super easy, could even be done on device, but its still not scanned/searchable and its my biggest issue with their gallery app. I just wanna be able to search for memes/screenshots!

When you've already low key complained to all your complaining options but the issue is still there and you still wanna complain about it but you'd have to repeat the same thing to the same people who'd probably just be slowly getting more annoyed with your complaining and if complaining the first time didn't do anything why would doing it more help but you're still a complainer deep down so you still want to even if you know it's useless and you just get continually more annoyed at your stupid self for not only the initial problem but also this insatiable need to complain and be a miserable bitch the entire time too

I've complained to all my little groups about [problem] but it persists as does my desire to complain about it. Why 😭

The aloe after eyebrow threading might be a top five feeling.

You know you doing some real fucked up assignment when you take a break by doing quantum physics homework problems to relax your mind.

Paid for my first vial of valerate and I want to go back to tablets I’m just joking but damn that stuff is expensive

Got some more stuff done today. Feels good. I just kinda fucked up one of them and lost like 25 money. But also sold a lot...

I remember a stereotype of romance for guys of the coconut and I think I fucking get it now, Takamura from hajime no ippo like I'm not gonna call him baby girl he is very much a brash asshole with a huge ego but it's those moments where he tries and does manage to reach out to the people he cares about leave me yet the constant machismo and patriarchal shit forces him into a mold where he's uncomfortable showing who he even is. This guy really has nothing else to be proud of barely had anyone to talk to because he keeps isolating himself. It's an older anime but I find the writing here outside the cool fights real engaging got a lot of dudes rock vibes.

Probably one of the few guy crushes I had tbh just from how much I see myself in him or at least what I used to be though with different means. I love this big oaf though he needs more than just a smack to the head to fix him, guess another way to put it is like a problematic older relative that needs to get their shit together but you don't wanna quit just yet.

Sorry, it is a bit off topic, but where does the thumbnail image come from?

Installing Viva New Vegas manually. Proud of myself I'm doing it little chunks at a time (I know there's wabbajack but I want original experience but fixed)

::: spoiler listing things I hate (dysphoria and transphobia ofc) (non exhaustive)

1. my voice
2. like 95% of people
3. countries were we do not enjoy all the rights cis people do
4. the UK
5. republicans
6. democrats
7. nonsense beliefs
8. dogs (too overstimulating)
9. people who drive too slow
10. people who drive too fast
11. having to drive everywhere
12. people who remind me of the things I hate about myself
13. myself
14. not being able to observe after I die (I just wanna know what happens)
15. people with dogshit epistemology
16. like 95% of people
17. overly long lists
18. being a negative person
19. how shit we are treated by society
20. feeling constant hate
21. being sober all the time
22. being depressed
23. people with worse politics then me
24. people with better politics then me (makes me feel bad)
25. being single
26. needing money to get healthcare
27. needing to work so dang much
28. struggling to read (see #22, also just super frustrating when I want to learn so much)
29. how much fucking work every single thing is and how much of it I have to do. Its exhausting.
30. life :::

More yaoi fangirl song

Went out today. Had a little fun, but it was mostly just going to a family gathering and I never find those actually fun, I don't connect very well to them. I do better with friends, maybe that's some autistic trait, or maybe I do better with my friends because they're all neurodivergent in some way.

I am so tired. Had to walk a bit and did some light shopping too, so I'm mentally and physically exhausted, also from all the working I did this week. I'm completely fine, just really tired. I need rest.

I really am cooked, amn't I? After finally managing to make some gain on my mental health, I've gotten quite physically sick. Disgusting

Posting this mashup album here for no particular reason: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MAW84RRNw84

Can recommend watching with the custom captions on and avoid the comments till after (but not crucial)

::: spoiler Tap for spoiler

Already know I'm not going to succeed and will fail again like a miserable [removed]. I'm too fucking dysfunctional to live upto expectations. Trying to become more functional is an uphill battle when every medical appointment comes by so slowly.

I thought about trying to get some exemptions from my uni on a mental health basis. Idk why I don't want to. Idk what's wrong with me. I can get help but I don't trust that it will work.

:::