HELLO THIS IS THE MEGA SIGN UP POST/LIST POST

if you have a preferred week please tell me

Wmill* (3/9 - 3/15)
Disaster_of_Passion* (3/16 - 3/22)
meler* (3/23 - 3/29)
Shaleesh* (3/30 - 4/5)
Carcharodonna* (4/6 - 4/12)
GayTuckerCarlson* (4/13 - 4/19)
Busgirl (4/20 - 4/26)

​ * after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters

Every now and then I catch myself at a good angle in a mirror and I see the vision. I hate my side profile, but from the front, I kinda like some parts

We woke up with messy makeup after a messy night. And it has us reflecting on our transition. Our womanhood is complicated, as it is for all women. We don't want to reduce it to stereotypical experiences, but damn if it doesn't feel at least a bit affirming to have these experiences that so many women in our life have talked about before. And more than that it feels more and more like we're living our lives. And it kinda feels like we're starting the process of growing up.

Finally have started coming out at work and it's all slowly happening. Name change on the company account, coworkers addressing me correctly, etc. Feels great!

It happened at the right time, I waited a while in cope-boymode but now that I have D cups i can't really pretend i'm "hiding" lmao.

Also I genuinely like my reflection now. Crazy stuff.

I RAN 5K FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER TODAY!!!!!

I'm really proud! I was never good at running nor did I enjoy it, but at the start of this year I decided I wanted to work more cardio routines into my workouts, mainly so I could lead hikes with the scouts. I also want a skinnier build rather than more muscular. In the first week I struggled to run a kilometer, and a couple of times had to slow down after hitting 600 meters. But as I continued to push on, I finally discovered what people talk about when they "enter the zone". I started to lock the fuck in. The sweat felt so good, and as I approached a kilometer, I realised that I had more in me, and it felt amazing. So I kept running, first to 1100 meters, then 1300, then 1500 without stopping, at 10km/h, and every time I was able to appreciate that this was so much harder for me only weeks ago. Now I consistently run 1.5km in 9 minutes as the start of my workout, and I've added on much more time. I used to stop at 15 minutes, but then I wanted to hit 2.5km within 15 minutes, so I sped up, and found myself walking for a few minutes after that. I ran 3.5km within 25 minutes a few weeks ago, and last week hit 4km within 30 minutes.

Today I ran 5km in 36.5 minutes, which I'm so proud of.

i love u all

ao3 is finally coming back up, ugh i was getting the shakes now i can read my smut again

Trans joy, huh? I was going to wait a bit longer to talk about this, but now is fine. Mostly just posting this for me tbh

::: spoiler Looking forward to the future (brief mention of ideation) The last few years have been a real test of how much I want a good ending instead of a quick ending. When the conclusion you built your life on turns out to be hollow, it feels impossible to take any meaningful step forward. Rebuilding support systems, finding financial security, engaging with a barbaric system - there were many days where I felt like all I did was dig a hole and fill it back up. I even allowed myself an entire year to have a grounded assessment of suicide as a reasonable next step. If I had to chart my future once again, nothing was off the table.

Over time, I found myself at the other end of every insurmountable step. Finding friends who I could be myself around reminded me that I could be vulnerable again. Taking a chance on another therapist gave me the space to talk through the body trauma I couldn't escape. Letting a partner see me in this messy phase helped me to think about the future again. Finding a better job, struggling with the healthcare system, starting electrolysis again - every meaningful action has led to finally having a consult at the end of this month.

Through all of this, my resolve has become unbreakable. I'm not approaching surgery with a mindset of "everything rests on this surgeon working out" because it doesn't. I can tell my story confidently, I can find a someone that I don't have to compromise for. The era of feeling like I'm in the shadows of a failed transition has come to a close. I have joy in being trans, confidence in my femininity again.

Thinking about the last time I prepped for a consult, I barely recognize that person. I'm looking forward to what comes next. :::

Graduated from voice lessons! Woooooo 🥳

I do absolutely sound better and pass better vocally when Im mad, when Im happy, when Im tired, when I have to yell at someone who doesn't have their hearing aids in, when I cough or sneeze... I made heaps of progress with a voice coach over 6 months. It did end up costing quite a bit over alllll the lessons. It was worth it to me and I had the money to spend, but I know that can be a real barrier for people.

I think its possible to do this without a coach - you'd just have to be serious about practicing daily. And find good resources. The Big Dog, Little Dog thing does work but you have to do it. Raising your larynx works but same deal. Shortening vocal tract, that all works. All the exercises you can find online and watch videos to see examples. And the biggest hump is definitely "getting over it"/dealing with feeling cringe and dysphoric and practicing anyway. This is not to be underestimated, for sure, not downplaying that part.

It was also nice to have a coach to listen and give feedback but if I didn't have that, I had a lot of my friends all of whom are trans femme too which is also a big bonus and makes the whole thing much easier.

Upped my E dose and it brought me straight out of a long depression. Also started a sleep med and it’s changed my life. Is this how people feel all the time? Just alert and not exhausted? I don’t need to nap for several hours a day and getting out of bed doesn’t take an hour. Just feeling good

Happy international women's day to all the cute women and femmes reading this!

One of the older women at work gave me 20 bottles of high quality nail polish from when she used to own a nail salon. It's like 300 dollars worth of nail polish!

Happy international women's day, please use it to bully a misogynist or two.

I was princess carried by a very handsome man last weekend. It's proof of how much weight I have lost and it was the first time anyone carried me like that and it made me feel cute and petite.

I've also been dealing with increased IRL popularity. People nervously approach me to ask for my number. And although this has also come with some unwanted attention, it's exhilarating to be so known and sought after in my local community.

went thrifting for girl stuff for the first time. I was so paranoid, but we got some great pieces and my partner made me feel protected and comfortable. We've also gotten a spark back that I was slowly smothering with substance abuse and dysphoria, and they said they really liked my masc-fem vibe, I'm just feeling great about us and out relationship.

The rest of the world, of course, is stressful, but that's a bright spot

My number one reason for starting hrt was the emotional changes. I had some at the start, but I was disappointed that my years of repression and my trauma-driven fear of losing control and expressing an emotion were mostly able to hold back the changes. Estrogen kept up the emotional pressure, though, and exposed tensions that I could work on in therapy. Today I think there are serious cracks in the dam, and I’m getting to taste the water on the other side. It’s terrifying and I’m so excited.

down with cis

Woke up this morning and my gender was swollen. I did use it pretty rough last night. I’ll have to go easy for a few days and work on my technique.

Finally got myself a couple pairs of girl underwear! They feel nice, way nicer than guy boxers ever did hoping my mom wont be weird about it >_<

Chat I introduced her all my plushies and she liked them, they liked her too

Feeling the slightest bit like a cutie pie in my zoom meetings today (⁠◕⁠ᴗ⁠◕⁠✿⁠)

::: spoiler nsfw

This drink has the texture of cum. Idk what anyone is supposed to do with this information, but I can't keep it in any longer.

The lack of sweetness makes it really taste like getting you're deepthroating a hentai protagonist who ate some fruit to make his cum not taste bitter.

The fungus in the drink makes it even more like cum. Because it gives it a thick and clumpy quality.

Genuinely which genius designed this drink?

Maybe I'll buy some white food coloring to make artificial cum juice. And try to add a hint of bitterness (perhaps the oils and pith of orange peels could help here)

:::

I'm an adult educator; used to do a lot of queer education, but lately my work has mostly been core literacy and math skills. Finally have a chance to develop a gender studies curriculum, as well as a world issues curriculum, which are my actual areas of expertise. Very excited for the possibilities. By a complete coincidence, the learners in the pilot run of these courses are all fem as well, which presents a really interesting classroom environment for these subjects

i like my soyfriend/partner

that is all

I'm not saying "spoons" it's too twee. I'm nearly forty and a real bitch. I'm using passive aggressive therapy speech like "I'm triaging emotional labour requests right now"

Cis women love it when you describe what they do as c*nty.

I went out to a feminist history thing tonight, I saw my friend arriving and as she stepped out of her ride she unclipped her hair and flicked it to give it volume, it was the c*ntiest thing I saw all week. I told her and it seemed to make her night.

I guess this counts?

Yesterday I went and got some new clothes. I tried on a top and shorts that were similar colors and textures, and the shorts were big on me so they flared out at the thighs.

When I posed a certain way it just clicked in my head that it looked like I was wearing a shortish little dress... I was just so shocked that it didn't look horrible I started tearing up in the dang Old Navy changing room. It actually looked kinda good?

And that's good, great even, but scary... I didn't think this would happen for a while yet. If I wore a dress in public I would probably combust but maybe I could get one to wear at home? Still need to get a bra too...

things are getting serious chat

::: spoiler sex Just tried edging for the first time since transitioning and OH MY GOD WTF it's so much more intense now like it's not just my dick it's my whole body like my mind reached whole new headspace!

:::

I can't believe I didn't realize I was trans while being super envious of sapphic relationships. I also love Harley and Ivy as a couple so much, I was just reading Harley and Ivy and it felt really nice.

Also: ::: spoiler (CW: slight nudity) relationship goals :::

I got to cuddle my friend's pupper today and it was very nice

I ate so much food I feel sleepy 😴

Chest has been feeling sore the past couple of days. Pog??

FROG ALERT!

Fuck I wish I could dox myself so bad rn, I’m looking fuckin good in my thrifted women’s clothing, got complimented by another queer woman who’s absolutely clocked me by this point, got complimented on my new piercings by a straight woman who remembered my partner is nonbinary, great day at the job

Well, I willingly and voluntarily came out to my work this past week for the first time. The only other time I was outed to people. It is a highly progressive company with a much larger proportion of LGBTQ+ people than the surrounding population distribution, but I was still relieved that they were mostly accepting. This has been a deeply healing experience for me and has been a beautiful learning experience. I have never felt more free or appreciated then when I see people choose to use my pronouns, then when I have MY name on my chest, then when I can finally live as myself.

I'm writing down the people that don't send me a happy woman's day as transphobes

Edit: I meant the people that know me personally IRL, but I appreciate it. Happy women's day to all womenbies here!

::: spoiler trans joy i'm gay :::

I'd like to be able to curl up in a perfect circle to snooze like a cat but I'm just stuck with this clownass human spine that isn't good for anything

In many ways I have grown into the kind of person I needed in my life when I was at my lowest. I have been noticing this more and more often in the roles I play for the people in my life and it feels very, very good. That is my example of trans joy.

There are two men in my realtively small apartment complex that frequently yell angrily. One of them can be heard multiple times an hour at nearly all hours, with gaps when hes (i assume) sleeping or out. I have some sympathy for that guy because he must be going through a lot and not handling any of it well... but also men yelling is actually very triggering to me and so I kinda sorta havent felt fully safe in my home for like... months and months.

This sucks.

Up with trans!

I need someone to hold my hand and teach me how to do girlshit

I'm asexual but seeing all of the hornyposting on this site makes me wish I could feel the stuff a lot of ya'll feel

I'm hitting the stage where it feels like I fully see myself in the mirror. Everything feels lighter, my friendships are better, my relationship with my partner is better. I feel so fucking pretty and whole for the first time aaaaaaaa

Hit the pose in the shower thinking about her this morning

I think I understand the reality of the "autistic infodump when socializing" stereotype now that I'm being more social. I have someone coming over today and I dunno what I'm really gonna do at first besides telling them about my music server and learning about audio formats???

First blood test since starting injections! 4 days after injecting with 6 mg of valerate weekly, I was at 167 pg/mL estradiol and 24 ng/dL testosterone! I'm more pleased about the latter than the former since I hope it means I can reduce my spiro dose and still be in target range.

::: spoiler suicide

Ngl I feel incredibly pissed knowing knowing that if I died today everyone would refer to me as a male even at my funeral. I could write a whole ass note about how transphobia killed me and how all I wanted to do was live as a girl and they'd still do me dirty like that. My dead body will have glorious jiggly boobs which I purposely grew out and they'd go "male + L + ratio" at my grave.

Even worse is I've had instances where my parents legit told me "young people these days like to use suicide to threaten their parents and I feel like you're going to do it too"

Genuinely the people in my life ruin the concept of even dying.

:::

I think theres only been one plainly-a-downside of HRT so far, and that its messed with my bladder in some silly ways ::: spoiler bladder stuff For a decent while after using the washroom I can sit down too fast or laugh and will have some bladder leaks. Other health stuff has had me joking about basically being 70 already and this adds to it lol. I gotta find some solution for it so I'm not doing extra laundry.

Also curious if bottom surgery will make it better or worse, but thats gonna be a while. :::

My mega is coming up and it's probably gonna be another electrical component. I got one in mind and it won't take to long to write but looking forward to some research this weekend to make it gooder than it would be on the top of my head

fashion inspo of the day (mothra queen of monsters)

rough few days but seeing trans joy is giving me trans joy second hand and its lifting me up all the same. also theres like a million games/shows/other things I like releasing this March so excited for those

weeks ago i managed to take two (2) days off for this weekend so i could have a 4-day weekend and rest a little bit. Now I'm sad and anxious, and very dysphoric, after i got insulted for silly shit. Long weekend ruined. Stuff hurts so much more when it's from your own people, fuck me. I was starting to feel better about myself recently and now i'm back to feeling like a sad little boy being berated and trying to resolve family conflicts, emotional bullying just flashes me back to those days.

i hate the internet

::: spoiler Terrible ideas + mental health I'm having a lot of trouble dealing with being in the closet. It's doing a lot of harm to me. I'm having bad ideas, not the self-harm type, but things like wanting to destroy my guy clothes, wanting to shave my head to draw attention. Wanting to pretend I'm having a memory lapse and that I think I've always been a girl and don't know why my body isn't 100% female. All of these are bad ideas that would accomplish nothing, but get me out of the closet in some way or the other. I think I need to come out and I do not know how, or what would be the best way to have less friction.

Maybe just starting to buy feminine clothing and acting confident enough so that no one questions me isn't a terrible idea, at least not as much as pretending I have some sort of gender amnesia. :::

Just wanted to say it always makes me super happy when I see you spreading positivity either here or on tracha. It’s seriously a bright spot when everything else seems dire and just wanted to tell you it’s very much appreciated.

i really liked to go heavy on eyeshadow but i can't unsee the Erika Kirk "stare" when i do it now

Doing HVAC simulations has me all "what fucking noob put hands on this" when it's easy shit like wire not connected. Ngl if I get a job doing this it be the easiest shit in the world. Easier would be just changing an air filter I need to get hired already fr

::: spoiler sex Tbh probably the thing that's helped my dysphoria the most is having lots of feral, loving, freaky, t4t sex. My bf and my gf love my body, and I love theirs. We make each other feel good :))

I took some videos this time, and omg I look so sexy fucking my bf :3

Also, did hrt make anyone else insatiable?? I can exhaust a couple of bottoms and still want more :::

::: spoiler sadge None of my friends at work are saying anything about my new shirt and now I wanna cry ;_; :::

How do yall shave/remove ass hair

::: spoiler horny just minding my own business when my mind decides to wander and randomly land on "what if a gal ate my bellybutton out" and now I'm like kind of obsessed with the idea?? bellybuttons are for sex ig who knew :::

Been having a bad day and I can feel myself slipping into a spiral of dysphoria that's been accumulating from various things

Tag yourselves (according to this chart I'm furry I guess)

Since I don't got any trans joy recently is it fine if I just avoid posting negative comments on this mega? To bring up the average positivity.

People always talk about craving pickles on spiro but I am fiending for olives lately

My fucking boss pressured me into far more then I wanted to do this weekend, only agreed to part of it because I was told I wouldn't have to work Sunday (I now do) and to boot I got gently talked to about how I did on something (which I admit could have been better, would have been better if I wasn't distracted with other shit she wanted me to do). 12 fucking hours, I wanted to do half of this. And have to come in on Sunday. Which I was told I wouldn't have to. No, no one else can do that job either. Fuck I need to learn how to say no. I got fucking jumped with so much shit this weekend.

Oh the thing I got talked to about, she said I had a complaint I didn't do a good job, I fucking shadowed that thing ONE time and because they need me to do it I got thrown into doing it. And I'm supposed to do it again next month. I literally told her to take me off it and have me shadow again after she told me the complaint and she said no because she needs me. So like what the fuck do you want me to do.

I am so glad I've only got like 6 months here at most. Hopefully less if I get this other job I want (which will also suck ass, worse then this prolly, but at least hopefully pay better).

tbh I need to message a coworker about how dogshit this all is, maybe tomorrow. FUCK I hate everything. Lowkirkenuinely cried for like 20 minutes at work.

My reading quota gotta fill it out and then when I do I can advance to the next quota to make the next advancement for the next quota even easier

Love reading the mega thread with my morning coffee

As time goes on, I question less whether I am a lesbian and more if I'm attracted to men at all. And it's cause ... faces. Hard to explain ...

I can feel attracted to girl's faces, but rarely to men's faces, only to men's bodies (unless they're femboys or really handsome). It sounds objectifying, I know, which is why I question myself. Do I even feel attraction to men or is it just a desire to be gender affirmed by conforming to hetero normative expectations? It's hard for me to tell, and hard to find out cause people are scary and I don't like interacting with them.

Sorry for not adhering to the mega topic 0_0

But you know you stumbled on some Freudian gold mine when you aren't sure what content warnings to apply

::: spoiler cw:trauma? Nsfw?

Why is "parents see me naked and especially my boobs" a new fear I have suddenly unlocked?

:::

Awesome lesbian couple

Evil and intimidating horse

::: spoiler self hate ig My true self is so toxic to be around. Like once I feel safe whining about my shit I do it too much and everyone must hate me for it. So annoying. Little wonder I'm not close to anyone anymore. If I feel okay talking about my feelings and problems you just hear the most negative, doomer shit and I never get better. So why would anyone want to listen or stick around. So I've been trying not to message people it. :::

::: spoiler misery/dysphoria/suicide This is nothing but a never ending source of misery for me. There is nothing redeeming. It tortures me all the time. Its everything. Everything about my body. Society. Its been two years now and my feelings about it have only gotten worse and more hopeless.

5 months hrt tomorrow. I remember, about 6 months ago someone telling me to wait 6 months hrt (to kill myself) and see how I feel. I feel worse. I am just as hopeless about being happy as I was then. I have tiny tits, which I do like, but they add so much stress they're not even really worth it. Stress about being outed. They're going to force me out eventually and that sounds horrible. Even picking and choosing who I'm out to, a lot of them have not been great. And being out to my family and everyone at work sounds like a special circle of hell. Not helped by my voice.

My bottom dysphoria has been horrible lately. Making me cry. I hate it. And looking at srs, recovery looks horrible.

I hate being trans. There's nothing redeeming about all of this suffering. Why the fuck could I not have been cis. I am going to kill myself over this.

I was talking with someone the other day and she said she hopes I can love myself one day. This is kind of confusing, I do love myself. I am smart. I am better then most people. I feel a lot of contempt for other people. I am fine. The dysphoria is not. Being trans is not. This awful thing happened to me that ruined my life. That ruined an otherwise good person. I'm fucking great. If other people put half the thought and effort into their beliefs that I do, I would not be suffering like this. Its everyone else's fault. Like yea no shit I hate being trans. How the fuck am I not supposed to hate being in this disgusting body, in a disgusting society. That's not my fault though. I am good. I am just very unfortunate. :::

::: spoiler talking about pooping.

Constipation is wild.

Ive been trying to suppliment my diet with "shakes" comprised of soy protein isolate and psyllium husk recently... and I havent been taking enough water apparently. I had my first bowel movement in days yesterday and since then Ive been pooping more or less normally AND Ive gotten out of the funk ive been for most of the week. Sadness must be stored in the poop.

I think I need to follow through with my intention to food prep normal high protein, high fiber foods and get my daily values the way the gods intended. :::

These days I've been sleeping terribly. But this is actually great, since I've had some real nice dreams these past few days. Examples are (all positive) in the spoilers (due to nsfw and violence, did you think I would have normal dreams?)

::: spoiler violence

Had a dream where I killed my parents. Gave me a warm fuzzy feeling :)

:::

::: spoiler nsfw

As someone whose never enjoyed anything anal ever, I had a whole dream where I was being ridden in reverse cowgirl and enjoying it thoroughly. It felt so real ...

Is this a sign from deep within my psyche?

:::

::: spoiler no cw

Dream where I missed a homework assignment. The most common dream I have. Although its a stressful dream, its pretty nice to wake up and realize that I didn't miss anything and I'm in college, I ain't gonna be berated by my teachers anymore.

:::

I must drag myself to blood tests and an endo booking to ask for progesterone prescription in 2 hours.

::: spoiler spoiler i will fail :::

The mega thread this week has been so lovely! See you all tomorrow.

I feel like I've been losing my mind lately. I thought the days getting longer meant I wouldn't feel like this. It is so hopeless and I hate life so much

Had a horny dream tonight, felt nice. Woke up at 4 AM. Went back to sleep. Had a nightmare about cursed videogames, creepypasta style, it totally ruined the vibe.

::: spoiler weight stuff

Instead of loosing my mind I'm tryna loose some weight. No more fasting days spiraling bs. Instead, I've just decided to start skipping dinner. Don't worry, I'm pretty sure I was eating too much. I believe this time restricted method is called calorie restriction?

Also, once the muscle soreness in my body recovers, imma try and start running. Please try to hold it against me. I need some motivation. 1 km per day?

And yes, I purchased a weighing scale. I fucking hate it though. Some bs smart scale thing which doesn't even turn on. How hard can it be to make a fucking weighing scale properly? Somehow also the only scale I could find.

Very disappointing to note that fat contains 9 kCal per gram. With a 500 kcal deficit per day (I think that's an ok estimate) for a week, in a single week, I'll only burn through 400 grams of fat. It'll take me so many weeks to get down to a good weight. I'd estimate how many weeks IF THE WEIGHING SCALE TURNED ON. I'd even be able to estimate the actual calorie burn instead of making guesses!

:::

For the last few days I’ve been obsessing over the idea of making my own little raspberry pi cyberdeck thing. I’ll probably get way in over my head but I’m at the point where I need to give my brain something to feed it. Thinking maybe I should get at least some basic stuff I’d need for testing and try out some of the ideas I have.

Just watched the 2nd 28 years later (the bone temple)

Spike is a tgirl egg, i know it in my heart

What are everyone's thoughts about spironolactone vs cyproterone?

Had a dream I was half kangaroo half man like a faun or mermaid where the split is top/bottom.

I had four really cool lesbian girlfriends in a polycule who weren't sure why they were dating a random kangaroo man.

Then I came out as a trans kangaroo woman and I wanted to have surgery to get a pouch...

I need new clothes. Almost all my clothes make me feel dysphoric...

Idk what's going on with lemmygrad but I couldn't see newly added hexbear comments ...

Sorry for another negative post (sigh ...)

::: spoiler cw:mental health discussion + suicide

About my mental illnesses (lol), I feel like I'm collecting them like pokemon (the actual reason is comorbidity, I know). I think I got some mild form of DID? My psychologist brought it up and asked me questions when I told him the voice in my head told me to kill myself.

I hadn't even told him about the part where during my suicide spiraling, I felt like there was an alternative version of me trying to kill me and stop me from seeking help and was controlling my body. That was pretty spooky. Like sleep paralysis, except the sleep demon is inside you ( ) ...

It would also explain my incredibly severe mood swings and changes in thoughts. Or would it? I ain't got a clue and even if I learn how this shit works*, it's not like I can afford healthcare.

On the flip side, when I said to myself "do it for her" where "her" referred to some specific personality in me, I felt pretty good and motivated.

Hmm ... it might explain a little bit of my genderfluidity and feeling like "I'm loosing my god damn mind" and talking to myself.

But also .... I might just be loosing it and not have any DID at all.

(I hate thinking can't I just not exist anymore? So much easier than being alive)

*no need to make excuses, I should just try to learn

:::

Injection site feels pretty sore today. I didn't feel any pain when injecting, but now it hurts if I touch it.

::: spoiler more weight stuff

It's fine if I eat 2 bananas cause my head was hurting, right?

Well ok my head is still hurting maybe I wasn't too hungry and it was something else

:::

I had a long and bizarre fever dream last night. All I remember is being in some kind of van when the driver died and explaining to an older woman that my friend isn't part of a polycule yet

::: spoiler horny I have been on a slow but steady progression from "hmm I think I might be poly,,, a throuple sounds nice,,," to now being at "preferably I'd like to be in like a seven or eight person polycule where sometimes they'll all just blindfold me and leash me to the bed and all use me" :::

Funny to see an article on the Chinese academy of sciences posting that some scientists made a quantum communication link of 100 km while my professor is explaining how links over 35 km aren't actually fully quantum secure

I should get back in drawing pokemon, make some stuff out of it

It really is hard being a yaoi fangirl