HELLO THIS IS THE MEGA SIGN UP POST/LIST POST

if you have a preferred week please tell me

Shaleesh* (2/23 - 3/1)
SwitchyandWitchy* (3/2 - 3/8)
Wmill* (3/9 - 3/15)
Disaster_of_Passion* (3/16 - 3/22)
meler* (3/23 - 3/29)

​ * after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters

Someone just ordered prog for the first time

clicker training myself because though i am a puppy girl, i am a strong and independent puppy girl who can train herself

I really fucking love this little corner of the internet and I'm thankful for all of you

Being trans then becoming a communist (the more common route) makes a lot of sense. Transition opens your eyes to oppression but also intersectionality and solidarity.

But being a communist and then becoming trans (what I imagine quite a few here are) is hilarious. It's like I feel something is fundamentally wrong. Oh turns out society is built on the violence required to enforce capital accumulation and imperialism, was that it? No that's bad but I feel there's something else...

Another beautiful day I get to wake up and be a woman~ ♡🏳️‍⚧️

I've said this before but I love meeting really old lesbians (like in their 70s or 80s) because they're so politely baffled by a trans lesbians. It's like "Oh so you're one of those transexual women? And a lesbian? They can do that these days? How delightful."

I did something many here might not approve of. I decided to climb back into the closet. I lied to my mom and said I'm cancelling transitioning (I'm 100% continuing)

She told me she couldn't be happier and started praising God

Now I'm 100% certain to cut my parents out of my life. All I need is time. 2 years to finish my education and get a good job. I'm going to spend these 2 years avoiding and lying to my parents, then bam! I'll disappear like a magic trick.

::: spoiler context Transwoman, still in closet irl :::

A few days ago one of my professors called me "Miss" even though I had full hair on my face, felt nice for a minute.

::: spoiler bottom surgery first month done~ Finally, dilating only 3x a day. It takes so much time from set up, to dilate, to wash, to dry - and doing it 4 times a day ends up with me spending most of the day dilating or finishing up dilating. In terms of healing, everything looks good! No fibrin, no hypergranulation, not even any discharge. According to the surgeons post op care timeline, this is when Im supposed to be "exploring my clit and labia" - sorry, gotta flick my bean, surgeons orders lol. It does help sensation come back. Things arent as numb anymore, which is great, a few times while Ive been out Ive had this like weird shocks sensation? Totally normal, it just means nerves are coming back online. People keep saying its "reconnecting" which anatomically doesnt make a lot of sense to me and I think its more just compression from swelling is starting to come down.

::: spoiler sex Had a great long Valentines!

I get wet, apparently easily lol. First time it happened I thought I was bleeding. Nope! Just wet after tying a girl up and her grinding while we made out. Im not supposed to be using my vagina for sex... so I didnt! Pure topping with toys and hands and oral 😇

I suspect they also don't want people bottoming anally while recovering, which is fine by me.

Being horny that often did, I think, also help bring some sensation back. ::: :::

In light of today's events :)

::: spoiler spoiler

I feel relieved now.

I'll just cut my ties with family after paying off my student debt.

Still a few years away from that.

But glad to know that the hatred I held in my heart for my parents since I was 14 wasn't just an edgy phase, it was fully justified. (Well ok dad is still remaining).

I shouldn't be crying. I should focus my time on enjoying being alone. Many benefits to it.

:::

I'm trans. Thank you for your attention to this matter.

Feel like ive gotten noticeably more extroverted since my egg cracked

I have not gotten any less autistic, shy, anxiety prone, socially awkward or socially maladjusted, however, so hard to actually be even half as outgoing as id wanna be

it’s fun dating someone who could learn a thing or two

Looking at myself in the mirror is wild, I literally never used to be able to especially after a shower or whatever. HRT did a lot of work and bottom surgery took care of the rest.

I didnt feel a lot of dysphoria before cracking my egg, in fact thinking that thats how people know they were trans was holding me back - but I did get a lot of euphoria when I went out in drag or whatever! Looking back, I actually had a shitload of gender dysphoria since puberty more or less. I just didnt know thats what it was... Anyway a lot of that is gone now. Its such a huge relief, I didnt know just how much of a burden it all was until it was finally gone.

My friend/a little more than friend described bottom surgery for her as feeling very light. A different friend of mine said she finally felt complete. I can definitely appreciate both points of view. I did know I wanted a vagina after wrestling with it for a while and I love my completely valid non-op trans femmes, but I knew I wanted it. I didnt really think I had that much bottom dysphoria until it was finally gone and I could look back at it. Its so strange and wonderful to just see a woman in the mirror. A lot of this feels like 7 years ago when I was juuuust starting to transition and dress up and work on my voice, almost the same level of euphoria. Its crazy!

::: spoiler sorry for too much negativity

The first thing my dad asked me (by text, cause I refuse to pick up calls) was "have you started any procedure?". Not "are you ok?", or even "you made mom cry" (idk if she cried) or anything like that. Both of them are only concerned about the changes I've made/will make to my body. Fucking gross behavior.

:::

T made me pass super early into transition, and now that I’m 3 years in and my top surgery scars have faded really well, I really like how I look and I’m so grateful I ca be stealth but I just wish I was taller lol. I’m fine being 5’3 but eeeeeverybodyfucking else feels the need to comment on it. I have tattoos and facial hair and I’m obviously an adult but I still get called buddy by everyone my age and older and everyone thinks I’m younger than 21 and it pisses me off lol.

And whyyyyy do people comment on my height as if I don’t know I’m short. And why do they gossip about how short a male customer/coworker is like I’m not right there lol. Shit is so demeaning, why do people care about height so much 😭

::: spoiler trans woes, mostly dysphoria, alcohol and t4t relationship troubles I feel ashamed of being trans. Being maternal and motherly. Being there for my community when they need me. And its because of my partner. No, they aren't cis, they're enby actually.. but they only transitioned socially which makes them feel "less trans".

Yesterday (its 9am my time) i went to a distant part of my city to grab t-blockers from a transgirl that came from another country. We hung out together for 8 or so hours. I felt my heart sink when i watched the train they were in slowly take off the station... then i went to meet up with another transgirl alongside my partner. I met both these transgirls for the first time, we talked online for a while but... this was the first time i actually saw them face to face. I gave this other transgirl -the one i met up with my partner- half of the t-blockers i had.

This morning she told me she's starting her HRT. She even posted the date in our dms. Sweet girl..

But.. last night.. my partner began chastising me for loving transgirls - as if i don't love enbies. They made me feel ashamed of being trans altogether and in particular transfemme. I already have trouble accepting and loving myself.. i can barely do those things while still struggling to exist every day. I've taken up drinking this past week, but, i stopped at the request of my partner. I feel ashamed of myself for being maternal, for fostering trans kids online and taking care of another one irl now. I feel ashamed of myself for being a bad partner, because they talk to me like i don't do anything to support them, like i don't love and appreciate them.

I'm hurt. Deeply hurt by everything going on in my life. I'm overworked and paid minimum wage during a staff shortage. HRT might be banned any day across the nation. In autumn i start university, which i had my application frozen due to some shenanigans around a language proficiency test. I got kicked out of one of my major support groups due to something that isn't even in my control, thankfully some of the people there care enough that they still want to be here for me. The last time i asked my partner for emotional support i recieved a 4 minute audio file chastising me for not being appreciative of their love and support alongside a wall of text elaborating on that audio. Everything happened over the course of the last 3 weeks too. Too little time for too much.

It's 9AM right now and i have work in 4 hours. The half-empty vodka bottle calls to me :::

To the trans person looking at this, scrolling on that phone in bed, rotting like me:

We're here. At least, i am. You aren't alone. The world's a scary place and you feel alone. That's natural, comes with feeling so isolated. It's going to be okay, we can be lonely together <3

Managed to have a small miracle in my job hunt and I landed a job as a janitor part-time, aside from data rating this was my quickest onboarding ever. The job is pretty easy so far minus physically, I sweat all shift, and it hurts to lift my arms over my head after a solid week of shifts, but mentally vs retail I feel great. I actually have energy after and before work to do things, vs retail I had to lie and rot to regain soul to do anything. This company appears to just need bodies and dgaf about anything superficial, which is nice for a change. I also earn a little more than my retail job and I get to keep all the coin deposit cans as a bonus, lol.

I'm super tempted to ghost my retail hell job since they started it with the whole 4 shifts a month nonsense, but I'm also getting unemployment, but there will be schedule clashes next month of a single day, and for certain the retail job is done, so there's no point in salvaging anything there, outside of my unemployment case. Then I got pinged for a talking to with unemployment for not finding a full time job fast enough, but the soonest the local unemployment office specialist can see me is weeks after my deadline, so it sort of seems like I'm out anyway.

Chat why tf have i never worn leggings until now and how tf are my legs SO GODDAMN CUTE

chat… i think they liked the pics i sent

::: spoiler updates to coming out

Idk when "fuckass parent" posting will end, but they manage to make everything so needlessly exhausting

Had a call with them after ghosting for 3 days.

I shit you not, almost every sentence my mom said was some transparent ass emotional manipulation attempt.

Not a single "I'll accept you", or even trying to manipulate me with "I love you".

Literally made the entire call about her, the effort she made to raise me and how much of a right she has to control me. Constant uses of "if you value your parents at all ..." and "you should take some time and think ..." (even after I told her I've had GD for 8 years).

I have never dealt with a person whose personality and dialogue are so ass that it made me start critiquing the writing skills of her abusive language.

:::

Wearing makeup around my partner now. Slowly coming out. They gave me a dress they don't like, so that feels like a win. We're working through it together, even though it's very, very hard.

Can I get an uwu?

I said CAN I GET AN uwu??

i reconnected with a friend i thought i had lost, also my partners called me a good girl :3 so all in all i had a pretty good week!

Hewwo every-nyan

How are you?

I'm fine thank you

Last comment of the day

Litsened to "[ASMR] Loving Mother Accepts Her Trans Daughter [F4TF]"

Cried all my sadness out into a pillow.

Thank you kind Internet mom.

::: spoiler Regrets about not transitioning when I had the realisation I could have started transitioning 6 years ago (in my mid teens 😀), if my parents had supported me. FML, why even try. I had to watch my body continue to get mutilated by male puberty for no reason. And now I have to live with this ugly fat trashbag of a "body", HRT won't change much about it in even the mid-term future so yeah.... :::

::: spoiler more

Fuck...

I hadn't been reading mom's messages. I thought she was probably apologising for behaving like this or something (but I didn't want to read anything she wrote). Nope, I read em. She's still begging me to not do anything and asking if I've gotten any treatments.

I can't fucking believe it. I can't believe how many times I keep giving them the benefit of the doubt in my head because I still love them!

:::

I was listening back to a recording of myself and my god I sound gay when I get excited about something. It gives me a little euphoria even though I sound like a guy

I am in my T H I C C maxxing arc. I'm such a carb pilled girl, snacking at midnight.

I am 100% sure my legs have gotten thicker, my ass probably got fatter too. I'm going to keep eating and slightly working out.

More and more I feel like I'm being compressed down to my gender rather than being seen as a full person. I am so tired of all these expectations. I don't want to definitively answer gender questions, I want to be happy and have a normal life and express myself how I want. It makes even the small sparks of joy turn to ash in my mouth.

Man threads is pretty awful my feed is annoying queer struggle sessions (do bi lesbians exists, can a lesbian still date a trans man etc, can a bisexual trans woman call themselves a transfemme) and just the purest transphobia.

::: spoiler cw: horny Why the fuck am I so hornyyyyyyy. I'm used to just jacking off when I'm horny, but now that is not enough.

I need to throw a girl on my bed, call her a bodypillow and big spoon her to sleep (with consent, of course). :::

Big shout out to tboys!!!

Shaved my chest and belly today, the latter not particularly well but it makes the whole area look a lot more feminine. I think if the average person was presented with just my torso they'd think it was a woman's. Largely cause of the boobs

::: spoiler spoiler Its sooo frustrating struggling to start/hold conversations. I really want to talk with someone at work more, especially about my trans stuff, because she's super supportive and my favorite person there but I always feel so doubtful about anything I think of messaging or anything like that.

idk, she's so supportive. Supportive of me being on hrt and super eager to call me my name. Really love that about her. Like yea, should be the baseline, but a lot more then most of the other cis people I've come out to. :::

The problem with dungeon meshi is you eventually run out of dungeons to meshi... Finished my second rewatch of it yesterday and now I'm gonna have to do a 3rd rewatch until they make the third season. prob my fav with how much slapstick she gets up to. How gay she is for Falin is adorable too, it's a shame Falin doesn't get more screen time but the driving point of the story would be messed up from it sadly, little we see of her she's delightfully weird.

I always thought the succubus t girl thing was a little overplayed. I like being mlre of a vampire. But after bottom surgery... now I want a womb tattoo lol

::: spoiler sex stuff

Experiment:

Put the vibrating octopus tentacle dildo in my mouth at various settings

Results:

Had to spit it out when the thing started vroom vrooming in my throat.

Conclusion:

Further research should be performed by trying to create some artificial cum lube and using no vibration setting.

A promising direction was a post on reddit, which explored the chemistry process of making such a thing

:::

Nice asian lady was definitely calling me she to her daughters, kinda the highlight of the day. She seemed like she was ESL so maybe she is from over there and it's a cultural thing because I do not pass or even look like a woman atp 😭

Hmm i wonder why i used to absolutely hate swimming for a good half of my life and only ever tolerated it even after

i wish my fingers were more thin and slender so I could more easily stick bugles on the tips of them. my fingers are currently too stout and wide for most bugles

The wallace and gromit movies are the only real culture has ever produced CMV

A little more than a week ago I vented out a feeling of isolation and nihilism and hopelessness for myself , but I let it out and cast it aside , burned like a sacrifice. My sacrifice was rewarded , and a search without desperation and full of confidence showed me a moment of true revolutionary queer love in a way I’d only experienced in grandiose poetry. It was beautiful and we were truly free there in each other’s arms. Love you all comrades

::: spoiler bi hornt Fuck I wanna collar a boy and fuck his brains out right now, wtf bi cycle :::

::: spoiler bad coming out story

I came out to my mom

She started begging me not to transition

Why the fuck did I hope for anything?

:::

Catching a train, leaving my home for the first time in a while, a guy stands up and introduces himself to the carriage, some speech about being homeless, having a wife, whatever

I hand him a fiver I have been holding onto for this kinda thing, he says like thank you sir, you have kindness in your heart, god bless you

😮‍💨

once again I am languishing with the idea that god allows all this to happen, okay bud

::: spoiler sad stuff about being trans spoiler I want to hold a girl in my arms, or be held in a girl's arms and just cry. All i want is to cry while cuddling and just scream and yell and boil with rage about the world we live in, to live while struggling just to live another day, just to get our medicine and just to be happy for a single moment in the endless misery and torture that we are subjected to as trans folk.

Then i want to relish in that i am not alone. That theres people like her that feel the same things i am, that have similar experiences to me and to cry even more knowing that im not alone. That i had never been alone but just didnt realize it from how isolated i felt from my community :::

I actually really like my deadname. It doesn't feel like me and i don't like the reason my parents gave it to me buuuuuuuuut as a name in a vacuum I think it's really cute

I've started taking pictures of myself every month to track my progress, every end of the month i take a new picture. I started back in november so i use a pic from september as my starting point. It makes me so much happier because i can see the clear differences between the months. Sometimes i revisit old conversations from november to see my old self and how ive changted behaviourally and mentally between then and now.

For example, behaviourally, i used to hate the idea of being a parent. I don't get along with kids as is and because i'm impatient i would've been an unwilling mother. But.. now i foster several transgirls, taking care of them long-distance and i have one girl that i'm able to help with their hrt journey in real life now. To me, now, there isn't a greater joy than watching my girls bud and bloom like flowers. After all, looking at a plant is pretty but watering it, taking care of it, etc. and being rewarded with a beautiful blossom is worth so much more. And with transgirls, to me, its the most rewarding feeling to me - seeing them blossom in real time when knowing you are one of the people that was blessed with a seedling that grew into something so elegant and magnificent feels magical

pain is just fun entering the body

::: spoiler I'm quitting nicotine.

This shit sucks. I hate this. I was using so much, now trying to limit myself to 4 hits from a vape per day, down from constantly hitting it all day every day. I hate this. I was going cold turkey starting yesterday (with a cessation aid, to be fair) and today was so miserable I needed to switch to stepping down instead of just stopping outright cause I could feel I was gonna break and just start using as per usual again. Any progress is good progress. I keep telling myself that. But I'm anxious and angsty and uppity and pissy and amped and it sucks. I'm exhausted and full of energy all at once. I need something to fully absorb my attention and time and give me dopamine. Maybe I'll play some videogames. Idk. I hate my brain rn, I hate this so much. I'm trying to resist as much as I can, even with the four hit allotment. The less I use the better. Maybe tomorrow I can go without entirely. Idk. This shit just fucking sucks.

::: spoiler request? If anyone has tips/suggestions for aiding quitting please share, I need some sort of anxious fidget I think to replace the anxious hits and constantly addressing anxiety by vaping. I could use suggestions for the oral fixation aspect (no I will not chew toothpicks or gum I know those are common but I hate both of them). Preemptive thank you for any suggestions or encouragements. This shit sucks.

Why is shaving so sisyphean

::: spoiler cw: drug mention I know it's not exactly a healthy option but I'm really considering using cannabis to get rid of these constant nightmares. I was asleep for maybe an hour or hour and a half and ive already woken up from a horrifying one. I just wanna sleep peacefully :::

it's barely been my third month on E.. so much changed already. I felt self love, confidence, hate, sadness - all of them proper for the first time ever. unfortunately coincided with vials being harder to access nowadays, thanks a lot turkish government...

it's a beautiful thing, to be trans.. but.. i wish i could do more to help my community than doing what i can in my situation

So as I've posted about before, I've been on a bit of a kick of researching endocrine system info and stuff like that. And its fuckin garbage how many options there are for masculinizing vs feminizing. There's a shit ton of anabolic steroids, peptides, whatever else. Literal endless options that work in different ways and do slightly different things. Trans fem there's like, prog and some options for losing weight (pio, glp1). Why aren't there a dozen funny drugs people tell me not to take that give me bigger tits or something. I know feminizing my voice isn't possible like steroids can masculinize it but idk. Gimme something. In cis women its all birth control shit.

Also still feeling super fucking negative is anyone surprised

Yeah my mom told my dad, even though she pinkie promised she wouldn't tell my dad anything

Fuck this shit I swtg. This is an even bigger mess than it needed to be and I do not want to deal with it. Literally just telling em to shut up and not talk to me.

Feeling hot as hell today 🙂 Makeup is going well even though I'm still figuring it out. With concealer on I feel like I actually see myself 🥰

::: spoiler spoiler

Closet was the right place for me. At least I didn't have to worry about things. Now I gotta deal with the fall out what I've said and no idea of how to deal with any of it. Ain't nobody teach me any equations for this, nor do I got "fuck you" money to cut connections.

:::

Yeeeaaah things fucking suck again, but at least I am writing again. Nothing good though 😬

::: spoiler cw: hrt changes, breasts Been noticing my breasts today, feels like they're growing. Like give me a couple months and I swear I'll have real boobs. It's been almost 2 months, and they've been great. I think its been kicking into high gear this last couple weeks, I'm super excited for the next months :::

I think I'm not actually that far away now... It's just voice and makeup and I'm working on both. Surreal.

down with cis

Amazing how my whole week can be summarized as "nothing ever happens", but with a whole lotta gut wrenching pain in between.

::: spoiler mild nsfw

I freaking love women 😤

:::

had some medication changes and the past few nights have had same very vivid dreams about whatever random thing was really on my mind, gonna have to try and go to bed really yearny thinking about yuri or something,,,

Caught a glimpse of her in the mirror wagmi tracha

New update on the diy electrolysis project; I'm sure some of you will be interested: https://hexbear.net/post/7682243

Wonder how many people are locked up alone in a room and rotting away like me.

Gotta be at least a 100 million worldwide.

With this much negativity, you gotta be able to like, power a demonic ritual or 2.

::: spoiler horny Finally made butt things work for me 😅 I've always been scared because it felt unsanitary to me. That also kept me from being able to relax and enjoy it. Still struggling to relax, but I definitely enjoyed it today 😳 :::

I gotta try to do stuff, but it's so hard to motivate myself and do something right now

I’m not fucking okay lmao

::: spoiler negative Don't really want to be here anymore. Not like I want to hurt myself, but I just wish I could not be for a little while. Sometimes I'm really happy, and other times I wish I could go back to feeling nothing at all. Today it's the latter 😮‍💨 :::

I need cardio or some HIIT like I do a lot of walking so I'm not too worried for my health but yeah anything for cardiovascular system as I get older is good. The only time I should be heavy breathing is when thinking of antivocel thoughts

::: spoiler McLoosing my fucking mind

Not ok and feeling extremely anxious. Never drunk as much as I have these past few days. I can't deal with this. I don't want to. I wasn't really ready.

:::

Anyone got any mommy asmr vids they like so I can pretend I have a happy family life?

Went with 3 trans friends to see a film made by another trans friend of ours and like everyone there was so queer and it was great!

Also I'm so hot now :3

::: spoiler sadness and dysphoria Every now and again it all really hits me

nothing is actually translating to my life. I'm not "putting the work in". I have made no progress in finding a real job, like ever. Sure I'll sit here like a useless fuck and try to squeeze some happiness out of the little hrt changes or whatever but my actual life sucks. And I'm not doing enough to change it.

There's no hope. I have my little depressed world of imagination and wishes inside my head and that's it. I have no hope of getting an actual job, my own actual place, someone who loves me, and most importantly a body/voice I'm happy being in. There truly is no point in living.

Why would I want to live another day in the disgusting, horrible body. Pain day in day out. It has crushed everything.

I can't get myself to get a good job. an okay job. I can barely do anything. I am feeling so unbelievably worn out from 30/week. I'm fucked. My stupid fucking dysphoria has ruined everything. I'm tired. I'm hopeless. Everything good is just made up shit I can't put in enough effort.

I'm not built for this stupid fucking life. :::

me wondering why wasabi / horseradish burns my brain and nose.

Look into it, the chemical responsible is an isothiocyanate 😮 (i'm familiar with isocyanates)

they are kind of related, but now i'm fascinated by these highly reactive chemicals, one of which is an organic sulphur based compound and can surpass the blood brain barrier and offer neuroprotective qualities, although can be deteimental in high concentrations. And the other (isocyanates) which is oxygen based, and highly toxic to our brain and respiratory system!

::: spoiler sex, dysphoria

How the hell do you figure out if you look feminine enough for people to want to sleep with you? I wanted to try to get a Grindr hookup but then started spiralling about not looking feminine enough, so I didn't open the app. And I actually think I'm pretty cute and feminine, the question is just if other people would think the same.

:::

I'm so tired and done. Fuck sake.

::: spoiler dysphoria How do you actually get over body dysphoria? I hate my body so much, and I can't imagine ever liking it. Its to a point where I feel I can't enjoy myself in public because of the way I look. :::

just like me fr

Up with trans!

need to figure out better places to put e patches, struggling to rotate the sites enough, and give the skin enough time to breathe because ouch

When you make a mess in bed and have to clean up real ones will know what I mean

Old Navy trip was a success, got three new t-shirts and a pair of jeans and I really like them all! Also learned that their sizes are a little weird because I got the best fit out of a medium T-shirt when my measurements indicated a large/x-large would be best on their website

Now I get to throw out 3 guy shirts

I did get really nervous when more people came to the women's side but I wasn't getting any odd looks or anything

::: spoiler negativity Have had all the reasons I hate being trans stuck in my head. A lot of them are enough on there own. It's so overwhelmingly horrible. ::: spoiler list I guess, dysphoria and transphobia ofc My voice being ruined. Yea maybe you can train to something you are happy with. I can't train. It's too hard. I would legitimately rather kill myself. Even if I could I have no hope of getting to a voice I would be happy with.

Srs. So dysphoric around sex at this point, don't think it could work. One of my biggest fears about getting into a relationship/dating. And srs is such a pain in so many ways. If I can even get it. Again even just this is enough for me to hate ts.

Transphobia is a big reason for me too. The vocal, outspoken hate. The subtle not viewing me right. Up for debate. Marginalization. No one cares. We're getting banned from all public bathrooms, including private business, nothing. NO ONE FUCKING CARES. It's everywhere. I legitimately cannot understand how this isn't the most blackpilling thing in the world for other trans people. Istg people are delusional

Piggybacking off that, my dating pool is more of a dating teaspoon. Dating thimble. So not only are hardly any women looking to date other women, hardly any of them want to date a trans woman. And how many of that tiny fraction of a tiny fraction actually see me correctly? Is not fucking annoying? Is someone I actually like and get along with and wants to be with me too??? I want to be with someone so bad. I've been alone so far. And it sucks. It's horrible. Being nobody's somebody. Never having that connection. The energy. The joy of being in someone's life like that. It makes me sick thinking about it and that it might never be me. And being trans, all the shit that comes along with it, is my biggest filter. God it makes me so sad.

Years of my life just ruined. Older teen years to mid 20s at least. That's assuming it gets better!! Just completely gone in the worst pit of despair you can possibly imagine. The suffering. The laying in bed literally shaking. If I had been cis I never would have been depressed, not like this.

I hate facial hair so much, the only reason it's not a stand alone "I'd hate being trans even if it was only this" reason like the above is I'm hoping laser makes it bearable. If not it's going there too. I hate shaving, I hate feeling stubbly

That's all I can think of right now. It's all I can ever think of. Fuck my stupid fucking fucking piece of shit life. What the fuck did I do. Again ANY of these would be enough on their own. I didn't even talk about socialization and how I act because idk how! Fuck my fucking life. :::

Using a sponge makes a gigantic difference for concealer lol. Somehow it's more convincing when you can't see my fingerprints in it haha

I am a little conflicted about some stuff in my body and maybe everything else?

::: spoiler body, hormones I'm not sure I would have chosen to take E before puberty. I'm not even sure if I would want to undo everything T did to me, if I had a magic button that did that, I like being tall and skinny, I like my long fingers, I like my long limbs, and, last but not least.

::: spoiler genital talk

I think I like having a fully developed penis, if it stays 100% functional I probably won't do bottom surgery. Not sure about it yet, though, wouldn't count some sort of bottom surgery out.

::: spoiler possible dysphoria

But I do hate having a beard, I don't like my voice very much (it has gotten better through training, but it's so hard to mantain). I like what E is doing to my body too, but if I could choose right now when I would have started hrt, I'd probably say 18.

I think I just like some masculine traits and how they presented themselves in my body and I like the idea of them being mixed with feminine traits. I don't feel like my gender changes over time, it feels more like being in the middle of masc and fem, but leaning to fem quite a bit.

If anyone asks irl I'm just a trans woman, though

:::

the moment i get my hands on a replicator I'm petitioning the grand nagus to replace quark's bar with an estrogen bar. I see great amounts of profit in this venture

::: spoiler how my week is going bad. And I just heard about a possible trans mass shooter within a hundred miles of me, so I'm currently spiraling. Shits getting worse, and even if I had a passport idfk where I'd go :::

::: spoiler Tarot preamble As a trans person, in Tarot I see the Tower as a positive card (though not without it's turmoil)

Rachel Pollacks writes

The mystics tell us as well that revelation comes as a lightning bolt which destroys the illusions of the material world in a single blinding flash, like that seen by Paul on his way to Damascus, or that which struck Buddha under the Bo tree

I've had a lot of these lightning bolts of revelation lately and I had one just earlier today. :::

::: spoiler CW Discussion of bottom surgery, sex and dyphoria I think I want a vulvoplasty or no depth bottom surgery. It seems to fit my circumstances perfectly. I've been worried about dilation and electrolysis etc. Which it doesn't require and recovery is quicker which helps with my committments.

I realized I don't want to have receptive vaginal sex. I'm a lesbian. I'm a switch/versatile, I could use a strap-on or have receptive anal sex (which I really enjoy).

But I would really like to receive oral sex with a clitoris and vulva, rather than a penis. I've never liked receiving oral sex it makes me much more dysphoric than actual PIV. And the idea I could do so with genitals that make me comfortable made me break down and cry from joy.

So now I guess I'm researching my options and planning. But wow. I really feel locked in on this. :::

Been doing some stretches lately. I've always been flexible, but I want MORE, and it's working... a little

I've been getting into more and more different kinds of music, but, i keep coming back to stomach book and femtanyl (wow so original i know). Yeah, their content is about being trans and all that relate to it, but something in those 2 artists click to me more than, say, patricia taxxon.

I think i just dont like music that is soft and warmer. Being trans is about survival and endurance and strength against the world thats wants us shot and tortured and exterminated. Its about loving ones self and learning to accept that one's their desired gender despite what dysphoria says.

And the cutesy warm and fuzzy tunes some artists have put me off because being trans, to me, is not warm and fuzzy. Its loud, staticy and barely intelligible. The somber tunes, to me, feel demeaning.

Just an opinion. Probably influenced by recent events back in turkey and liberating myself from my abusive partner

I finally managed to finish reading all 2334 chapters of reverend insanity. Holy hell what a journey and what a book.

Idk what to read next.

The author made 2 other series, which he also didn't finish (lmao, this author has 3 back to back really famous book serials that he hasn't finished). Yeah this guy is kinda like the GRRM of chinese web novels.

every time a bell rings, a trans girl gets on E

Let my daily chess game with my friend time out because I really do not have the energy or anything to worry about it. He instantly sent me another game request. That felt kinda nice that he cares and wants to play with me. Its been a pretty shit weekend otherwise.

::: spoiler depression and negativity I am again getting super depressed on a friday. It's so weird feels like thursday and friday are the worst days. But like, I'm just so pessimistic right now. It feels like it's impossible to accomplish anything that would give me an income. I feel so bad like I'm being a burden to my parents too... Everything feels a little devoid of meaning. I guess this has absolutely nothing to do with being trans but, fuuuuuuuck, do I feel bad and hopeless on every single friday :::

::: spoiler even more mental health posting

Somehow, I feel fatter now. Fucking madness. I so so so don't want to eat dinner. I'll skip it honestly. And then tommorow I'll probably go back to not eating cause the brain is crispy and deep fried.

:::

Currently rotting in my chair. But I deserve it, I did what I set out to do today.

I've been enjoying the manga After God so much! It's got a lot of aspects of my xenogender in there, it's so cool 🥹 and feels almost uncanny. Like it's been plucked out of my own imagination! The story is also just... cool in general (to me, as a fan of supernatural horror.) Heavy CW for the content, I guess I have always liked difficult, brooding stories with the caveat that I am critical of what I read / watch.

Sucks because I ran out of chapters and I can tell it's one of those stories that I will think about a lot, especially for how relatable the cursed protagonist is to me 😩

It feels similar to Dunmeshi (which I also related to heavily) but more intense and way more edgy.

Instead of mental health posting it is better to do hyperfixation posting

I will never not find it funny that some mfs in reverend insanity went to the after-life and stole the mythological landmarks from there.

Like imagine if tommorow on the news it was revealed

1. Heaven is real
2. We know this because someone invaded heaven, unscrewed the pearly gates, then brought them back down
3. You can buy tickets for $239 (family discount available) to go see the pearly gates

Originally, I was going to joke that these cultivator mfs would steal the sun if they could, but this is an actual plot point in the story. Some guy eats the sun and becomes the new sun. Now instead of shining warmth and light upon the world he shines coldness and murderous thoughts (I'm not paraphrasing). He doesn't even do this for profit. He just loves killing people.

I love this kind of unhinged world building, where everything is just like, a tangible thing (even the time stream is a literal river) that you can fuck with. You can even make replicas and modifications in theory.

The previously mentioned after life was mentioned in the fairy tales as a kind of door. I thought it was a metaphor for crossing boundaries. No. It's an actual door and someone has it in their inventory.

you've got to trust your instinct

and let go of regret

You got to bet on yourself now, star

'cause that's your best bet

::: spoiler me thinking about The Storm light Archive and our society (spoilers, transphobia, homophobia) When I first read some of the sero "oh cool the parshendi have 4 genders, male, malen, female, femalen, the n denotes genders that can't reproduce"

Me after transitioning and reading trans feminist literature. "Oh fuck we have those 4 genders too and use them to discriminate" :::

Does sending this vid to my mom count as coming out of the closet?

I feel like it's gotta count for something ...

::: spoiler mental health

Sorry for springing all that on the mega. None of yall are trained psychologists (afaik) and this isn't really the place to have a crisis

:::

Cannot believe that I am fucking toasted at the gay bar with their weak drinks.

My gf and other friends are with me, so I am good. But I definitely regret drinking this much after skipping dinner.

Anyways, Sunday open stage drag night is fun.

Anyone here read Palahniuks Invisible Monsters? It sounds like something i might enjoy but i wanna know if the trans woman character is portrayed ok

::: spoiler more mental health posting

Yippie! I finally had some food. A bowl of pasta.

It would be funny if I started eating today only to die from sodium shock. What an ironic way for sodium-nitrate to die.

:::

::: spoiler mental health

I'm going to try to work myself upto eating food today. Hopefully.

How unfortunate for this to happen during carnival. If I had to go to college everyday for this week I'd be much better right now.

But then again, if all it takes is for me to be given a small break from studies to do this ...

:::

::: spoiler depression and suicide The more I think about my mortality, that this is it, all I get, the more I just want to kill myself and get it over with. My story is just agony and suffering all the time. Nothing good, nothing worth staying for. It's just been a horrible, depressing pain. Why do I insist on sticking around and suffering even longer and feeling even more pain and watching my life truly fall to nothing before I get it over with.

It's been years. Basically everything since childhood. It's getting worse. There is no point. :::