HELLO THIS IS THE MEGA SIGN UP POST/LIST POST

if you have a preferred week please tell me

GayTuckerCarlson* (2/9 - 2/15)
oscardejarjayes* (2/16 - 2/22)
Shaleesh* (2/23 - 3/1)
SwitchyandWitchy* (3/2 - 3/8)
Wmill* (3/9 - 3/15)
Disaster_of_Passion* (3/16 - 3/22)
meler* (3/23 - 3/29)

​ * after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters

Half my dysphoria leaving the body when I suddenly notice that my breasts have grown and they keep getting in my way.

I know I made the right choice. Fuck the consequences.

I love the person I have become. Before transitioning I used to be apathetic about my own existence.

But now I’m a strong beautiful woman who forges ahead and expresses my thoughts and feelings with relative ease and freedom.

Even after losing a few friends, I understand that I’ve gained more over the years than I have lost.

Hollllllly fuck I just see a girl in tbe mirror wtf. I feel like I hit some magic threshold

::: spoiler bottom surgery updates day 22 Went to see my gyne today! Everything's going well! I have some fibrin issue in the typical spot. The gyne had no concerns. She was doing a study on post op care and asked if I wanted to take part, I did and filled out a survey. There was quite a bit on sexual experiences, and like I cant even touch my vagina properly yet (too fresh a wound) and its still pretty numb from the edema and nerves still figuring out where they all went and doing their job. I still get horny but cant touch 😒, I did get wet though which was... weird. Totally different feeling than before.

Pain is pretty minimal, I'm walking, I'm living my usual life just about. There's no way I could work though, Im healing well in no small part due to all the resting time I have and Ive been pretty strict on the 10 lbs weight limit so Ive not even come close to opening a stitch. Im very happy my union got us some serious short term disability benefits, cause this would be very hard to do on my own without that cash flow.

Having a vagina is way more drippy than I really thought it'd be lol. Stuff feels likes its moving around and sloshing more than I was used to - doesnt help that I have to lube up 4x a day and all the washing and styff. Discharge is going wayyy down. No bleeding.

I live alone and have no pets, so I just hang out with my pussy out all day in my apartment unless I have to go somewhere lol. It does help that I can be drier without lying in bed or in my room. Im also downtown so a lot of stuff is very close like a library, the LRT, whatever and I can drive now anyway.

I highly recommend getting a vagina if you want one 👍 Im very very happy with mine! Never tucking again, looking forward to sexual stuff, when I look in the mirror I just feel... like the total absence of dysphoria which I totally underrated to be honest. A friend of mine who got a vaginopasty described it as feeling light - and yeah I agree! :::

::: spoiler lewd thoughts sometimes i feel like my gender isn’t transfem or nb, it’s just wanting to look like i’m good at giving head :::

If aliens ever find an archive of our internet they're going to think humanity was obsessed with fictional characters smoochin'

Society, the state, patriarchy, "biology", God, and essentialists everywhere can all fuck off; I love being trans :))

In the first couple of months of starting to present female I found two really cute and cheap pairs of women's boots in size 13 and bought them. I assumed this was normal transfem experience.

I now realize this was the statistical equivalent of getting back to back scratcher wins.

Cute. Cheap. Size 13. Pick 2 if you are lucky.

In my girlypop era

Once/if working womb transplants become a thing, whos gonna be the first trans woman to get an abortion

Laser session #3 tomorrow and 1 year of HRT next week! The world is such a scary, weird place but a lot of my internal struggles with self-acceptance and dysphoria are starting to feel smaller and smaller and I'm so grateful for that. I've made some really amazing friends that I keep growing closer to and I feel gender euphoria on an almost daily basis now :)

Lots of issues in my life still, whether they're a result of being trans or not, but I have to celebrate the good when it's there!

::: spoiler CW: talking about breasts (not horny) So... Lately my boobs have started boobing boobily.

I looked in the mirror today and they kinda look like small tits already depending on the angle. This has been WAY too fast? I thought it would take like two months to notice something but I guess it really depends.

I also got my levels checked recently and between my T being at 35 ng/dl and this growth, it's safe to say that the injections are doing their job very well and I'm pretty happy. :::

i came out to my long time friend who i've kept in touch with but not really had a conversation with in years, and they also came out to me!! :o trans people finding each other like stand users in the chaos that is early life and adulthood.

My body is a machine that turns gender into nothing. Just reduces gender to atoms, erases it from the timeline

Y'all can't so this to me

I started crying in front of my career counselor today because I'm so tired of freezing all the time It was embarrassing but she was very nice about it. Instead of talking about work today she tried to help me put together a strategy for getting another apartment. I can't live in this one for another winter. I have one room with an extra panel oven for warmth, so I have to spend my entire day there, everywhere else in the house is 12 degrees (celsius) at the moment.

She also suggested asking some friends if I could stay with them for a few days while the weather is at it's worst but idk, that seems like a big thing to ask someone, even though I have a couple of close friends in the area.

::: spoiler Sex, living at home I fucking hate living at home. I want to do spontaneous hookups but it's hard when you don't know when dinner will be ready. Dinner time is also prime time hookup time but you can't explain as easily why you want to skip dinner. I was on Grindr messaging with a guy who wanted a BJ just now at 7pm, but dinner wasn't ready yet. My dad said that dinner would be quick so I waited twenty minutes to message him back to say I was down for it. He then messaged me five minutes later to say it was not gonna happen tonight, presumably because he found someone else. And dinner was still not done. It was done 10 minutes later. And looking back I could've gone to him in that time since he lives closeby, but with my dad you never know how long dinner takes to make. He's very unpredictable.

Luckily I arranged to suck that guy's dick tomorrow, so it's still happening. And since it's a set time, I can use an excuse that I'm having a small party meeting. Although it's sad it couldn't happen tonight since I'm down bad.

Do any of you have tips for spontaneous hookups while living at home? :::

I wish I had normal people problems instead of this

I don't even know what my problem is. I do know that nothing is fixing it right now.

Does anyone else sometimes think about what it would be like if “femboy hooters” was real

I am making an epic comment on the trans mega

Tried voice training last night. Did not go well! None of the methods to raise the larynx seemed to work for me

Erm, based mega topic?

way late mega

Genderfluid update:

I still couldn't tell you whether I am actually genderfluid or not. I think there are some good signs. But also, I am not doing any gender "praxis" so what the fuck do I know?

I started voice training lessons finally and I'm happy I did. I just don't know why I didn't do it sooner. I had the name of this speech therapist saved on my laptop for a while and I had a lot of free time last year around this time so I don't know why I didn't do it then.

I wanna be gayer

Was just informed my AI usage will be monitored because I'm not sufficiently enthusiastic about the slop machine the bosses have dumped tons of money into without asking anyone whether they wanted it. So fucking frustrating.

it's been cold here lately so ive been cozy maxxing with this extremely warm poncho sweater, that i bought from torrid, and it's been absolutely wonderful. i didnt used to get this cold before e, but i love to be able to just add more layers

You know who I feel really bad for? Cis-but-strong-trans-ally stoners. Imagine hanging out getting stoned with your cool transfem friends and always being paranoid about letting a "dude" or "man" or "bro" slip out. Being stoned would just amplify the self-consciousness. And then what would happen if one of those words actually slips out? Can you imagine how embarrassing that would be?

Just because I make a plan to have lunch with someone, doesn't mean that they won't sleep till 2 PM. Just because we then change plans to have an after class bite, doesn't mean that they won't slip in the rain and injure themselves.

I'm out of beer and onion rings, and I barely drink. I ain't sticking round for round 2. Sorry my moid aquintance, I've waited a lot already.

I'd even take 0c at this point. No more negative temperatures pleasee

::: spoiler Cw: Sexual-ish stuff I had a very horny day. This night I had a sexual dream with a girl (not anyone I know specifically). It seems like I'm getting even more sapphic, I don't think I'll ever see myself dating a man.

It also felt pretty different from regular horny, I didn't have that URGE to have pleasure, I wanted intimacy and affection. Not that I got any, but I wanted it. Maybe in the future.

I kinda want to hit some lgbt place if I can, I should look up some close ones, getting tired of only socializing through the internet, even if my friends are really nice. :::

I'm....

I'm not even going to bother classifying my sexual orientation/preference anymore.

I just want someone to "explore the world" with. We'll figure out the sex afterwards. And the exact meaning of "explore the world" as well.

::: spoiler dilating, vagina stuff I love that after dilating my vagina makes a little kissy kiss smooch noise lol. :::

::: spoiler medical stuff, genitals, looking to be fine though experiencing the rare combo of needing to get both my breasts and galls checked out for anomalies. got an initial examination of the breast lump and it should be something non-serious so thats good, same with the galls. happy to be able to laugh about the combo of it. :::

also just in case PSA to do regular breast/teste self exams

I said this in a more ranty post earlier, but I keep thinking about how entertaining it would be to be a fly on the wall to see how my dad would respond if someone asked him to describe me.

HOME OF CHALLENGE KISSING

THATS RIGHT

CHALLENGE KISSING

Ugh I swear everyone I get a haircut I feel like I look like a girl. I look like a dude cuz but something about a feminine haircut just still manages to make me feel like shit. Guess I’ll just wear my ugly ass work hat to my college classes today lol

Feel exhausted. Been napping for several hours every day lately.

Also feel really sad and doomer (not even just about my body) last day or so. idk how much people want to hear about that though.

Pretended to be happy today.

It worked

Although that may have been cause I talked to my friends and drank beer.

Well ... they still misgendered me constantly and I didn't stand up for myself at all. So that was fun.

I can't imagine myself standing up for myself even when I'm happy. Cause I don't really care about myself. If I did, I'd be taking a lot more steps towards social transition.

Me today: it's not great lately being trans. Or historically I guess. Or prospectively...sorry where was I?

My thoughts are slowly drifting from “good ideas for a trans stoner comedy film” towards “what would happen if we forcibly injected Seth Rogan with estrogen over a prolonged period”.

::: spoiler bottom horny~ Now that I have a vagina... I have my strap and toys and all, but now I gotta find a subby top to try shit with in a few months. I was literally never ever interested in bottoming without a vagina but I do wanna get plowed now lol :::

I went to the gym today and kinda zoned out while I was exercising, it was very nice. Usually I'm paying a lot of attention to the time and distance so I know when I can stop running or cycling or slow down or whatever, either because its hard or I get bored or both. Today I just ran without paying much attention to anything while staring at the wall. I barely noticed what was going on in my body. I liked it

is there a name for "getting obsessive over emotionally unavailable but kind and pretty women who were nice to you once but can't emotionally commit to a relationship, regardless of whether they want one to the point where you've emotionally destroyed yourself inside" fetish because i seem to really enjoy doing that to myself and i guess it's just a kink of mine

she should forget to do the megathread more often

Winter will be the death of me. every year it gets more unbearable.

I have no idea what causes these cycles of us withdrawing from people and social plans but I really wish it would stop. I've found trans community irl but I feel like I've neglected all the work I did finding that and building connections and friendships. Even here I was active again for a few weeks, maybe a month, and then let it wane.

I guess having these thoughts at least means something. Even if I just go through the cycle again, I'm at a better starting point. Most importantly, I'll still get to experience the joy before fizzling out again. That makes it all worth it.

::: spoiler minor mention of nsfw Instead of making excuses I'm making friends today. Invited this guy I knew for lunch. Nothing romantic (ignore that time I accidentally send a meme implying I was getting bukkaked. It wasn't intentional and it happens to the best of us) :::

O7

My new professor is a liberal

1. Washed up millennial american pop culture reference? Check (this person is from SEA living in europe)

2. "Unfortunately rare earths are mostly found in china" (what is unfortunate about it? That they put in the effort to develop the industry?)

3. "You can use chatgpt for your homework"

4. "Name 3 companies blah blah blah ooh look at these profit margins"

5. Deliberately skips over any positive mentions of chinese semiconductors that he put in his own slides and pretends they aren't there while mentioning everything else.

This is all in the first hour of the lecture. I'm cooked.

Getting my REAL ID today. I've had a string of good pictures taken of me recently which I suppose is what's finally getting me to do this. Still leaving gender as M because I don't really wanna deal with that right now

I was reading back some texts I sent to my sibling early on in transition and I saw some pics I sent him and hollllllly shit I look so different

Feeling more and more like I might be getting somewhere in therapy. I think it says something that I can imagine a trans future for myself but not a cis one. I actually have people in my life I'd be excited to come out to? The short term difficulty is the very entangled life I have with people who absolutely will not take it well, but I'm working on that.

Can't wait for the next Sonic mega Rouge gave me gender envy when I was a kid. Recently, I had gender envy of the girl I saw in the mirror (the girl was me), and that connection that it was me was very nice 😃

Over the past week I've become increasingly fixated on getting genetic testing in vain hopes of revealing some kind of "You've been [meant to be] a girl all this time, dummy" marker. Unfortunately I know the likelihood of such a result is extremely slim, especially since I was perfectly fertile before HRT and most of those chromosomal anomalies tend to come with infertility.

And yeah I kinda realize the irony of bemoaning a lack of certainty when I've already chemically castrated myself and am pleased with the results, but that doesn't dispell the fantasy of getting a blood test that reads out positive for transing of gender

is being Foking Hongry a side effect of estrogen?

I feel like people do not understand how important transitioning is to me, especially it going well and me being happy with how I look/sound/navigate society. Its very frustrating. Its the only thing that matters to me and it feels like most people think it should only be a small part of myself.

Someone told me to focus on other things and try and work on other aspects of my life (which I need to, especially work). But I just don't care. I can't make myself care. All of my mental energy is focused on my dysphoria. I cant think or care about anything else. Nothing else is even close to as important.

and unfortunately I really have no hope of being happy with it. My body, voice, any of it. This is the most important thing to me by a mile and I feel hopeless. I don't care about anything but feeling comfortable in my own skin for once and I will never get there.

::: spoiler voice training/suicide/dysphoria FUCK voice training. The absolute worst. Completely hopeless. THAT ALONE SHOULD BE ENOUGH FOR ME TO KILL MYSELF. I can't do it. When will I kill myself. Fuck being trans holy shit. This is horrible. Voice training on its own is enough but there's a million things too isn't there. A million things to be dysphoric about. To ruin my whole existence. And no one understands.

Why couldn't I have been born cis and how the fuck does anyone even accept this let alone like it. ::: This whole mess is the only thing I care about and its fucking hopeless.

New mega is here! Gay!

down with cis!

i don't ship sonic x shadow

::: spoiler lewd mention, not depressing (surprising, I know)

There used to be a time where I still considered myself straight even though I used to fantasise about bathing in and drinking semen. Cause you know, that's totally a straight male fantasy.

Funnily enough, I was actually correct, just not in the way I originally imagined.

:::

Do get to leave early, thank fuck. I hate it here and I hate being home but home is not as bad. Fuck I feel like shit.

Gender transitioning is a lot like cultivation from those novels I'm reading

1. Inject yourself with drugs for a powerup? Check
2. "Righteous path hypocrites" getting in your way constantly? Also check
3. Comprehending the dao (of feminisation/masculinisation)? Absolutely
4. Ancient demons reviving to cause havoc? Maybe not this one
5. Gender non conformers everywhere? Bingo. This one isn't even a joke. Chinese webnovels love femboys and trans women for some reason.

Up with trans!

::: spoiler ranting, frustration I had a really awful 2 hour class session today, and a 30 minute break after. Tell my why the fuck I spent it cooking food for someone who doesn't have a job and refuses to cook for herself while my other 2 room mates play a video game on the tv? :::

I wonder what Electrochemistry would say in response to Harry Du Bois finding estrogen.

Should I go for laser first and then electrolysis to clean up on my face? People online say that's the most cost effective route but I'm scared of paradoxical hypertrichosis, though I'm pretty pale so I don't think there's as much risk

When I see my initials I still hear my deadname for some reason. I've been transitioning for like a year and a half why do I still hear that name to refer to myself ugh

::: spoiler spoiler i'm so gay, ya'll :::

I recently found out what I thought all this time was a horrible, painful hip injury due to a fall is actually my back. I finally got an xray done and learned I had a spinal injury go undetected long enough it decided to try healing up on its own, obviously not well since OUCH. That PT wasn't just a bigot but a quack as well. Also I have arthritis, how fun.

For good news the cream the doctor prescribed was on sale and it worked right away, a little too well, I went HAM fixing up more of the shitsplosion aftermath in my basement and now I'm sore again.

My dog’s farts smell especially bad this evening but it’s way too cold to open a window.

I worked out five times this week! I really really really want to lose this weight. I hate my double chin, my neck just morphs into my face

The dumbest negative comment my brain keeps telling me is "it's my fault for being born like this"

And like, the other comments I make towards myself sting, but this one is just fucking stupid. It's not my fault for being born this way cuh ಥ_ಥ

Secret trans mega that no one can post in

https://hexbear.net/post/7599480

Opened gender stuff back up with my partner, and it was pretty rough TBH. I was honest that I've always felt queer but didn't have the words for it, just knew it wasn't safe to feel how I did in the area I grew up in. They are very supportive. It obviously is not going to work for them, though.

I guess I can now openly search for queer spaces, which is a huge improvement for me. I'm feeling braver and bolder than I ever have thanks to all of you here. This is a start, even if things are going to get worse before they get better.

I'll be honest I've straight up ran out of depressive and negative and toxic sentences to say. When I'm typing out a vent/rant and it's like "I already complained about this shit before" it just feels like I'm such a sack of useless dogshit. Can't get my life together.

::: spoiler self-harm

I should pick up unhealthy coping mechanisms like drugs or self harm but I'm too fucking lazy and forgetful and weak to even commit to that.

I hate myself so fucking much it's unreal. I can't even go to the grocery store without seeing people have fun on the way and thinking to myself that I am alone loser who deserves the absolute worst.

:::

Omg the star trek enterprise theme is so unbelievably funny wtf

I think kenjaku from jjk is great genderfluid representation. Now I don't know whether or not I'm genderfluid, so I'll only speak for myself instead of genderfluidness in general.

But like, switching bodies (to do your mad scientist plans), getting impregnated and giving birth (also for your mad scientist plans), emotionally manipulating a man after hijacking his dead wife's body to the point where that man looks past the fact that his "wife" somehow came back from the dead (I assure you, mad scientist plans), then fucking off to another body, this time male.

All sounds like the genderfluid shenanigans I want to get upto. But alas! I don't have magic powers.

::: spoiler spoiler

I have so many dysphoric and just general panicky attacks (minor and major) that I don't even take them (or myself) seriously anymore. Atp it's just a feature of life. I wake up in the morning with those thoughts. Any moment in my day where I am not getting distracted I am thinking that. Then I go to bed like that.

::: spoiler suicide

I keep telling myself that I want to die and be murdered so much that i don't even know. I wish I could feel numb to it all, but look, I'm crying. Fuck fuck fuck just please someone fucking kill me I don't have the balls to do it myself.

:::

:::

First exam results came back! The verdict was:

I'm still a fucking loser idiot

I managed to fail the exam I thought I did well in

Got socks w 3d cat paw pad things, what could be better

New* Boards of Canada! (Someone was able to buy higher quality rips of their old stuff and upload it in the last few days, stuff from the 80s-90s waow)

Sorry, the new mega is members only