HELLO THIS IS THE MEGA SIGN UP POST/LIST POST

if you have a preferred week please tell me

Disaster_of_Passion* (1/26 - 2/1)
Eco* (2/2 - 2/8)
GayTuckerCarlson* (2/9 - 2/15)
oscardejarjayes* (2/16 - 2/22)
Shaleesh* (2/23 - 3/1)
SwitchyandWitchy* (3/2 - 3/8)
Wmill* (3/9 - 3/15)

​ * after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters

Whenever I get more than 10 upbears I instantly feel like a celebrity here since there are only like 15 accounts on hexbear majority approval right there

Today is 1 year on HRT. Should probably have some bigger meditations on it but right now I just feel lonely. I really only have two friends, both have actual lives compared to me. I know I ought to just touch grass, meet more people, fill my life up... I just wish I was more important in the lives of people I already know?

Me with Genie: I wish to have been turned into a cis girl in my childhood.

Genie: that might be tricky, time travel etc

Me: what about instead if all people were nice to trans women?

Genie: so specifically what age in childhood?

::: spoiler bottom surgery update final day Going home! As far as I know everything's good :::

I got a little label maker awhile back to label bottles I was using for some spice/seasoning blends I was making, but now I just kinda use it every once in awhile to print a label that says "CUTE" to stick on my forehead or "BOOB" to stick on my boob.

::: spoiler my rambling musing CW transphobia dysphoria destransistion suicide I think it's a lot milder and upbeat than the CW implies but I'm covering those triggers etc I think it's fair to say that trans people I'm in contact with online and IRL are doing it hard being trans.

Lately I've been getting this headache behind the eyes whenever a problem comes up that is directly connected to being trans. And it feels like it's daily.

Like I got a complaint at work that I know is transphobically motivated and fortunately my team is good and knows it's spurious but it sucks.

I lay in bed thinking this morning about what it would take to destransistion. Not sincerely. Just sometimes I like to weigh my options. When things have been bad in the past I've done it for suicide and each time I went, you know I don't want to do that.

The thought made me feel like vomiting. So I guess that's nice feedback from myself that I'm doing the right thing.

I just wish cis people were chill about trans people. Or fuck treat it like it is the hard work it is. Oh and maybe do something about misogyny while they're at it.

"Hi Xia you are a normal type of woman and I am going to treat you like a woman, which is good and nice, not bad and creepy. Also great job on being trans I got you a lactose free smoothie"

Basically that please. :::

The universe must have been listening, cause i got randomly she/her-ed today!!!!! That never happens! Last time it happened without the person clocking me and stumbling a bit before saying correct pronouns was over a year ago, and god it made my day. It was a really shitty day cause ive reached the point of precarity where i need to apply for the jobs that have a far higher risk of like dislocating my joints (i have bad joints and probably bad connective tissues in general), and that random comment from a guy unloading stuff as i was walking into a store just made my day so much better. I passed for the first time in forever and it made me so happy to just be seen as a woman for once, and not as trans first and maybe woman second. I always get he/him-ed by that type of person, and today i didnt! I just got seen as a woman! I wasnt even wearing makeup, just a fresh shaven face and a simple outfit. On the one hand, fuck passing, but on the other hand, i was seen as a woman without any asterisk next to it or anything!!!! Ahhhh so happy!

Got some new glasses today! "You know these are women's glasses, right?" Hell yeah I do 😎

::: spoiler Sex, dating, transphobia

I know this is a crazy thing to login to vent about but here it goes.::

::Holy shit it drives me crazy how many people cannot approach/handle/sleep with a trans woman. I've been doing this a long time. I'm hot. I've got a sense of style and a physicality and personality that's magnetic. I'm having more casual sex than most people, statistically.::

::But when it comes time for TME people to cinch the deal, they'll fumble a tgirl everytime rather than deigning to show explicit attraction to a trans woman. I mean like god imagine if a removed turned me down I might as well kill myself.::

::All this combined with me being a hypersexual kinda scumbag masc lesbian means that I'm constantly surrounded by people who are not making it subtle that they wanna fuck me, but if I ever tried to bring up the subtext of everything they've said they would gaslight themselves, then me, then tell all their friends I'm a creepyremoved.::

::Yes I've been stood up twice this month. Yes I'm thinking about the coworker who said to my face that "she wished girls had dicks so she could stop dating boys." Yes I'm thinking of how I've been a disposable sex object to every non-trans woman in my life. Yes I'll be fine and have been fine and I'm sorry

:::

::: spoiler bottom surgery update day 7 Got my stent and catheter out!!

It felt WEIRD AS FUCK. Ive never bottomed so this was the first time Ive had anything like that sensation... the stent was fucking massive. We have to start dilating today and the one they want us to use, the biggest one, isnt that much thicker than what I used to be. It looks massive staring at it lol. I have to watch the video on How To Dilate again, I watched it like 2 months ago and Ive helped other girls do it (not here lol, like when theirs was still fresh) so I feel confident but whatever. Ill watch it again.

Pain is a little more than yesterday at the start of the day but with the stent out and more gauze out and stitches out, I actually feel pretty good. With the stent out she looks a little more like a regular vagina, just more swollen and still some gauze around my clitoris. :::

Hi it’s been a while, I used to post on here like last year and I’m back now with a different account. Unsure if people will remember me - I’m jenniferrr

😔 sorry yall ... I post to garner attention because the alternative of no human contact is genuinely horrifying.

::: spoiler vent about misogyny/transphobia I hate when people tell me my existence is "valid". Like, wtf do you even mean by that? My existence isnt "valid", or rather all existence is inherrently "valid" because it is. Saying im "valid" just reeks of "youre performing femininity in a manner that i dont find immediately disgusting or wrong" and just, fuck that so much. Just be honest and use the word "acceptable" or say "comforms enough that i dont have to challenge my deeply held misogyny", embrace your self-appointment as arbiter of femininity and womanhood and own that youre a gatekeeping asshole.

::: spoiler bottom surgery stuff lmao i am so bad at following doctor's orders it's incredible. when they tell you "DO NOT LIFT MORE THAN 10 POUNDS" they really aren't fucking around but i did and finding out sure sucks ass. sitting in the fucking red sea rn ow ow ow :::

::: spoiler bottom surgery update day 8 Going home tomorrow! Today is mostly chill, 4 dilations like will be normal for the next month. Surgeon saw me and seemed happy with the result, everything looks like its healing properly. There should be a new crop of girls fresh from surgery today to the recovery house, it was a little eerie last night with just me and I think two others?

A little more pain this morning, dunno why. Probably 3/10? Mainly in the incisions. Not concerning according to surgeon, perfectly normal just take pain meds.

My vagina (♡) smells like a vagina, that didn't take long lol. It was realllllly nice not tucking and everything's flat, and my legs can close way closer! Very very happy today. :::

Cis people, even queer cis people, do not understand how important being in a good state is. I was talking with someone at work about my move and they didn't understand why I'd want to move there. And the reason was really minor, think preferring the weather. Which fair, you know if you'd not like the weather in the state I'm moving to but healthcare, socially things being better, legal protections, shit is way more important.

Idk if i like or hate my parents sometimes

me when people try to get my attention using the name i told them to use instead of the one ive gone by:

Cw: kink but not really nsfw

::: spoiler spoiler I really miss having the dom/sub relationship I had with a gnc ex of mine a few years ago. I’m struggling HARD to keep up with life, especially balancing college and work and dealing with my overwhelming desire to chill out and stay home 24/7 + constant exhaustion. It’s hard to care about doing normal life stuff when no one’s really around to care enough to motivate me or congratulate me when I do get things done, or appreciate me really. Used to be my ex would show me tons of affection when I successfully did something that took effort, but would also be kind when I couldn’t do something. And when it was something I REALLY had to do, like make a doctors appointment for a pressing issue, they’d put their foot down and it was nice to give someone else control :::

Been single for years now w no close friends and have been totally absent from any kind of dynamic like that and fuck bruh I miss it so much 😭 anyways, college starts again tomorrow… sigh

::: spoiler dysphoria I really do bounce back and forth between thinking I'm super cute and that every other girl who has ever existed is cuter than me. How come I have no in between? :::

::: spoiler bottom surgery update day 6 My dressing finally came off~ I now can visually confirm it was not all an elaborate prank lol. She is very swollen and bruised and has a gigantic stent in but I have what is obviously a vagina! Its very nice.

Pain still ain't all that bad, I have more energy than before. I was really frustrated and mad this morning (doesnt really matter about what) but its all good now.

I still have 3 more days of being in the recovery house and Im getting a little homesick and want to snuggle in my own bed 😫. Some of my friends whove gone through the same bottom surgery are... self-concious? about the pace of my recovery. I have no judgements towards them, we all have different levels of inflammation, different pain tolerances, maybe the only thing controllable is that I know how important mobilization is from work? And I push myself, perhaps too hard, thats about it. :::

Just upset and lonely. Messaged two people and convo didn't go anywhere, got one reply from each that's it. And I get it, they both have their own things going on, but fuck. I'm sad.

At least my support group meets tonight, get to be alone with others. That's better right

got my first bra and underwear and I'm starting to get what good gender feelings are supposed to be lol

I said something along these lines earlier but figured I'd make a comment here too, maybe someone will have something to say

Several cis women I know have offered to help however they can, if I have questions, etc. But I do not know how to have them help or what to ask them to explain. I feel like I've seen people in these megas wishing they has a cis woman to take them under their wing and show them things, explain things, but I guess I don't know what they could really do or explain for me... if that makes sense.

I guess taking me to get makeup or clothes... but idk if I'm comfortable enough to do that/girlmode in public.

Unfortunately my emotional landscape varies between "Oh God I Am Alone, pay Attention to me" and "am Femme, but if perceived I will explode hehe"

away from my pc for close to a week, now spoiled with so much megathread to catch up on waow

Got the day off from work, but I’m stressed about and overwhelmed by all of the other shit I need to be doing in my life so I’m day drinking and reading about different terminal emulators instead of dealing with anything.

If y’all’ve got terminal emulator opinions I’d love to hear them. Konsole is okay, but I’ve branched out to kitty with my move away from KDE + X11 into the wilds of Wayland. iterm2 works fine when I’m on Mac; avoid warp at all costs.

::: spoiler sex This girl went from having just one dick in their life (my own) to three in the past week. My ass about to WORKED :::

"I always read the mega body text, how did you know?"

Mondays are cool, I get to do a Mega, then do my injection and just chill for a little in the morning.

I look exactly like right now, but happy about monday

Women really get treated very differently in the grocery store. I don't know what I changed, but recently I am getting correctly gendered when I wear a mask now. I preferred not being bothered while I shop, even though the frequent offers to help are gender affirming.

Talked a lot more this week! Was very nice. Mostly just politics 'n shit, kinda hate talking with libs about politics. When we were talking about greenland I said I wasn't super sure if they'd actually go through with it, because it would lose a lot of rich people a lot of money with damage to trade routes and stuff. Then someone chimes in with "and his voters wouldn't like it! They've said its the line in the sand!" like can we be fr right now. But it was nice to get to talk more. Also:

lets talk about what we can do when we feel dysphoric [therapist]

cisgay immediately starts talking about not revealing she's gay at church

I like her but what. Yes it was that abrupt.

I fucked up this morning. Things will be okay, but I fucked up regardless.

::: spoiler relationship conflict, transphobia, internalized transmisogyny, gatekeeping, passing, guilt, venting When I was driving my gf to work, she noticed that her skirt was inside out, and wanted to fix it before she got to work. We were going a gas station for coffee/breakfast anyways. The issue came up about which bathroom to use. She wanted to use the women's, but I was scared/concerned for her and urged her not to. She ended up using the men's. There was no one else there thankfully, but when we got back to the car she was distraught. She insisted that she wasn't upset with me specifically, but she felt terrible about using the wrong restroom. She said that she knew the risks of using the women's restroom without 100% passing/being stealth, and that being trans in this country (US), was dangerous and that we lived dangerous lives. I apologized, I told her that I was scared for her but that I wouldn't dissuade her or undermine her decisions in the future.

I think we'll be okay, but I feel terrible about it and I am worried about the future. My gf loves wearing skirts/femme clothing, but isn't interested in feminizing makeup or trying to pass in general. This isn't the first time we've had this type of conflict. We have a membership at the YMCA, and because it's a family gym/community center I advised her to not wear a skirt there either because I was worried about her being harassed or even assaulted by some parent who would claim they were "protecting their child." We use the private changing room at the Y, but I am just paranoid about even being attacked in the hallway.

Moreover, I feel like I am gatekeeping femininity and but I don't know how to let go due to my anxious paranoia. Personally, I only present as a woman or use a woman's restroom when I know I can comfortably pass (either a full face of makeup, or eye makeup and a KN95 mask to cover the lower half of my face). For me,feeling like I pass of course relieves dysphoria, but is also a major safety tool. My gf is nonbinary and a POC, and I understand that "passing" is wrapped up in eurocentric beauty standards and gender essentialism, and I can see why it isn't a priority for her.

So, this is kind of a vent because I don't have an ask for advice. I know what I need to do, which is to step back and support my gf's decisions, and to be there to help protect her from transphobes. It's just going to be hard. :::

I shovel so much snow today so I can show pictures of it to my gf who lives on the west coast and thinks snow is magic

Hmmm, I did a full body shave. Now I have prickly hairs and rashes everywhere. It's so bad it feels like I'm covered in sand and itch power.

This is not "being cooked". This is American style deep lard frying.

I'm panicking so much my throat feels dry. I've been like this all day. These days, I've even started going to back to drinking caffeine, which is a BAD SIGN. I don't want to do any of this.

Ok but fr having to turn around all my plushies when I want to be evil 😈 is hard work. They are my innocent babies and I can't lead them astray 🥺 they're also my strongest soldiers who guard me while I'm asleep (I had a dream of them doing this so it must be true)

If a cutie falls flat on her ass in the mountain and no one hears her, did she even fall?

Rumor has it that if you transition under the condition of high levels of radiation, you become a witch.

::: spoiler weight and exercise I've gained about 25lbs (or 11kg in COMMUNISM units) since September and, while my ass and tits are popping off with this caloric surplus, it's taken a noticeable toll on my health. I need to get on some cardio and strength training before none of my clothes fit me anymore... :::

I havent had coffee for 5 days, not really missing it right now but I know going home its gonna be a huge temptation to start again. I dunno if I wanna quit forever.

Having a lot of self destructive thoughts lately, keep drinking too much and dreaming about cigarettes. Fuckin get it together lady jeez.

I wanna be pretty :(

How it feels, as a transfem, trying to talk to cis women

been wanting to do a genuine effortpost for the first time ever about how cis women being targeted by transmisogyny is kind of the point (at least one of the big ones) of transmisogyny but that actually involves knowing what I'm talking about and I'm not sure if I do

down with cis

I really do love seeing people I'm out to. Especially when they take extra effort and I feel like they perceive me, at least mostly right. Also she says something nice about my appearance like every time she sees me now and that's really nice.

::: spoiler voice dysphoria Voice dysphoria and the hopelessness that surrounds it has been pretty bad for me all day so I decided to search through old posts and see what people have said to me about it over the last two years. Surprised I couldn't find more results tbh. Anyway like a year and a half ago someone said

Feeling sad and bitter about your voice is normal, you "just" have gender dysphoria. You'll be okay, I swear this gets better. It's slow, yeah, but the time is going to pass anyway and how do you want to sound in 2 years right?

and unfortunately I haven't changed my voice even a tiny bit. Think I'm more bitter then I was back then. I feel like back then I had more hope of training "eventually" as well.

Honestly the longer this goes on for the less hope I have in ever being able to train. Its so dysphoric. Not improving. I don't think I realistically can force myself through it. :/

before you suggest it, no I won't be happy with an untrained voice either. :::

I'm feeling okay and a bit hopeful about my future. Kinda got the start of a business going, I'll be making art and stuff I like as a hobby but now I'll be making products out of it. I hope it goes well.

I might also start making some video content about book design, art and handcrafts and probably start streaming some of my gaming sessions in the future. When stuff starts going, it will be so goooooooooooooooood

Read too far in The Whipping Girl and got absolutely destroyed at work, crying at my desk, more due to the feeling of being seen than sadness or grief (although that’s in there for sure)

::: spoiler spoiler

:::

Night 2 of being down with the sickness. This is not very oo ah ah ah I must say

I need advice from the gamer girls here. I just finished the latest chapter of of the Devil, before that i finished my replay of Deltarune and now i desperately need more queer indie games. Especially stuff that isn't heavy on gameplay, but story driven. Adventures, VNs, RPGs, things like that.

Nothing really works to alleviate my pain. I feel disconnected from everyone. This problem has only continued to get worse.

My actual life outside being trans is going terrible. No degree, no cert worth anything, still not enrolled. Can't even drive. No real friends my age. A smattering of trusted adults. There are weekly things that haven't been done in months. Daily things that get done a couple times a week. Room is a disaster. No motivation to do anything. I'm barely able to keep up with my limited work schedule. No real hope of being able to leave my transphobic parent's house. No real hope of having a good job. Of a partner. Of being happy, or content, or anything of the sort.

My life is just misery. Has been.

I think my nervous system has just been fried at this point. What years upon years of suffering does to a person I guess. No fucking shit my brain can't work right anymore.

Do you know where all of this started? Where my life, my body, even my brain started to collapse in on nothing but suffering?

I finished my exam and I don't know if I'll get a good grade. But, oh well, I still got more exams and assignments left to do.

Was planning to soft-launch coming out with one of my siblings yesterday, and I just was not able to do it. Cried on the way home. I opened up a lot about my mental health, so it was still positive, I was just disappointed and kind of embarrassed.

On the other hand, I'm starting a Chinese class soon. So, you know, that balances out 😳

New trans mega about nice

I'm beginning to deeply resent my job tbh

been living with this new roommate for a whole 4 days now and our relationship has already gotten so bad that i screamed "who the fuck do you think you are? go fuck yourself" at them this morning

i think they have stepped over a ton of my boundaries and that i did go too far but also holy shit i am fucking seething at them right now and hate seeing them in my own house and they've only been living here for half a goddamn week i am going to lose my shit

"Rice and Some Stuff" really is just peak culinary performance

I can change my profile picture now! I love having my own instance.

ⓘ This user is suspected of being a cat. Please report any suspicious behavior.

After this last update it looks like my nvidia driver is kill; time to back up some data, finally install that AMD card I got on sale a while back, and nuke the OS for a fresh start.

::: spoiler mention of medical stuff, no pictures

Just searched up fat embolism on Wikipedia and what the fuck. The symptoms are "decreased levels of consciousness" and "10% chance of death"?

All that cause some fat particulates enter your blood stream?

Crazy shit.

:::

istg my chest only grows/hurts when I feel good... when I feel terrible absolutely nothing. Wouldn't mind some of this when I'm at my lows..

::: spoiler leddit transphobia r/detrans feels so fucking botted lmao. rn there's a thread where they're getting angry about the "death before detransition" slogan, using the old (bad faith) argument that it's basically a death threat to detransitioners. when someone points out that people who use that slogan mean to say they'd rather fight for the right to transition than accept legal bans or social pressure to not do so, there's always at least one reply that's like "well if it's so important to you that you'd die for it, it sounds like you have bigger problems (implying emotional/mental health problems), nobody needs that to live a healthy life!"

if these people are being for real, i'm surprised they were open minded enough to transition in the first place :::

im glad that people caught on to using TME / TMA, I felt like it might have been too niche. I prefer this framework to asab language.

::: spoiler kink I love being a domme so much, and the girl i just started dating is sooo fun to absolutely cover in marks. I got her to cum so many times last night and screaming in so much pleasure. love giving all i can to such lovely transfemmes. :::

Started parable of the sower and all of it is hitting a bit too close to home, think I'll stick to high fantasy stuck for now...

Amab and afab would confuse me a lot because then I see something Full metal alchemist brotherhood abbreviated and just go

I wish people didn't suck. I'd socially transition.

It's early, appearance hasn't changed and still no laser. But the people I've come out to have been mostly okay. But obviously, I came out to them thinking they'd be okay.

Sorry last comment of the day:

Really really need to stop running away from my problems. I have a really hard exam coming up. I need to stop mentally pretending it's not there.

Wowie I have a lot of megathread to read now haha

I really want more piercings. So many exciting moments of the first years of transitioning were saving up for another piercing I missed out on. I'm at a point where I really only have one left on my list and then I might be done?? Feels weird and anticlimactic to say, but that's kind of just the goal anyway I guess

I get having daydreams and regular dreams where I tell my parents I'm trans and it goes well.

I hope these are accurate signs because when I go in summer I don't think I'll be able to hide my boobs anymore.

::: spoiler dysphoria Holy fuck I'm so glad the dysphoriamaxxing didn't continue into today. I was not looking forward to having to look at myself for 8 hours of zoom call through the dysphoria good god :::

Walking through the woods

I feel an itch

Opening my shirt and bra

Scatch scratch scratch

Guy appears suddenly

We pass in awkward silence

Woke up from my nap and I feel worse lmao, so fucking irritable. I feel awful. Like hell. At least I'm not going to have to teach any stupid fucking classes.

I'm in charge this weekend and the person who does the singing and shit with the little kids might be bailing on me and I'm going to kill one of us

When I first started wearing bras, they were so uncomfortable and I always felt back-pain after a while. Now, going without them is uncomfortable, even in my studio.

ugh I really do not understand my hair

the magic words, whispered by the Bard as if from an ancient tome discovered in an old oak tree

::: spoiler mention of dysphoria and suicid3

Today morning I was feeling so dysphoric I almost decided to actually kill myself.

Right now I'm frolicking in the woods as our ape forefathers intended

How silly this life is

:::

Does anyone know any good resources to start voice training?

::: spoiler self harm I relapsed

I can't take this anymore. Too much pain :::

Life is such a tragedy. Not only do I have to work hard, but I have to face the fear of failure head on.

(Yes, I have an exam tomorrow that I didn't prepare for)

I reduce my posting frequency for a day and see like 40 unread comments

Okay so 3 days out from getting fraxel, the swelling is gone but my face looks like I got a really bad sunburn. It's peeling and gross.

At least the factory should be cool all week.

Mega about books? How wonderful. Now I have another book to add to my backlist. The one I will touch upon after finally finishing my current one (on my 2159th chapter, only 176 more chapters to go <insert pain emoji>)

i started modding kotor 2 so i can play it after a decade plus

anyway i promised i would post this the next time i started modding a game:

Been putting music on all day to lift my spirits living in ain't great. I am reminded psuedo america exists in these games but at least after forces GUN is completely dissolved/wiped out by

::: spoiler medical rant If hrt came in gummy form, We'd be so much better off. I dont wanna eat 2 more pills every single freaking day. I demand Estrabears, this is why we need gender communism. I really dont want to eat 2 more pills but under gender capitalism we are brought to pay for cheaper pills instead of better options. I can't even start hrt yet but if I did it would probably suck because I can only afford pills which would probably kill me because I'm like super unhealthy and at risk of hypertension.😭😭😭 :::

I have to wait a few years at the minimum to make a true transition. Saddening.

Dad picked me up today to run an errand and was like "that coat cuts a decidedly feminine figure". Yeah bro you know it's my sister's coat we've talked about it. My response to that sort of thing is basically "it's 2026" in a jokey way and h3's yet to press it

Otoh he sat at my vanity later on, noticed the drawers there for the first time and pulled some open 0.0 lucky he went for the right side and just got my GLP1 injection stuff (and valerate but that was in an obscured container), the left side has my makeup stuff 🙃

probably getting a roommate in the summer (guy I've known for awhile), and he's like been big on how he'll be able to Drive Me Everywhere and I do kinda wonder what his reaction is gonna be when the first place I'm gonna ask him to drive me is to go get nipple piercings

Oh boy I just do not stop

I dont really have much of an opportunity to come out to people beyond pronouns, they might not realize that I am trans. Its only when I get to know people intimately that I tell them my experiences, and I hope that they accept and affirm that. If not, oh well. The prospect of having someone know the real me is exciting, however ☺️ like telling friends my name has changed, my pronouns have changed... That's just the surface level. Although I'm still mostly the same person, if not more unmasked now. I always expressed some degree of gnc and non-cisness, just never really out until the last decade or so.

My hope is that they will accept me and experience with me the complexity of my identity, and how important that is to me. Maybe they will also reveal themselves more to me. Idk. We will see!

Emotion review: Metallic Sadness

It sucks 3/10. It gets three points because I started engaging meaningfully with other emotions so I would have something else to feel.

::: spoiler social venting, coming out Ugh I really don't get how people just do stuff alone. By the time I'm done with my obligations to other people, all I want to do is leave campus, get high, and zone out. I never have time or energy to ask other people for things, and if I did, I wouldn't know what to ask for.

The people I do want to talk to, I see maybe once a week in the hallway. They don't know I'm not cis, so then it's like, is it now a matter of planning interactions and charting a course towards coming out to someone I barely know?

I feel pathetic. But like coming out to someone, or even just opening up, and having something in the realm of "oh this explains this or that" or "I always got this very specific vibe from you", the other person having this realization of there being more and of it mattering to them that you told them this.

In my more brash moments I feel like it's not really coming out if the other person says or does nothing to affirm your identity, and I don't feel crazy about that. Who exactly am I out to if I come out to someone and they straight up forget? What did saying things accomplish here? I genuinely don't know.

It becomes a genuine matter for me of, "nobody actively cares in a visual palpable way" , "I could forget to shave next week and this would all blow over and nobody would even ask"

Another more sardonic thought is "I'll make so many army when I have to be a boy in WW3" :::

Keep telling myself that it's useless for an insignificant person like to cry and no one will help me.

So I decided to try to get my GP back on therapy, and also for him to find my voice trainers or whatever. Better to get something off my checklist.

::: spoiler poor mental health, internalized transphobia, wrong way of thinking about intersex (?) Trying to open up about my mental health, and it is exhausting. I think I have OCD. I'm really struggling with accepting my transness, to the point where I convinced myself I'm intersex, was never told I was intersex, and had a panic attack over that because it would undermine my trust in people. I don't remember much of my childhood, but I do remember wishing I was a girl from a very young age.

I know this is the wrong way to think, but I wish there were some biological factor I could gesture towards as the reason I'm inevitably trans. Damn. :::

Might delete this later. I think it's not fair to intersex people for me to think like this. Please let me know if there's a better way for me to tag the spoiler.

futches and bemmes!!! (I just learned of bemme five seconds ago)

See I do want to be a genderfluid (and a shapeshifter). Like, sometimes, I do just wanna be gay. And maybe, I'm bisexual not I'm the sense that I like both men and women, but in the sense that I want to be with men in multifaceted ways. (This includes my choice of partner as well, I like men from the femboy end to the buff end).

But uh, until and unless I actually start interacting with women, I honestly couldn't tell you what I actually really think of them. Cause I don't even have a female friend at all and have almost never conversed with them (mom doesn't count and I don't have sisters).

I'm trying to get back into writing poetry. It used to be a really good outlet for me, and then life got busy and I dropped it. I don't have anyone to share this with, so here you go :p

It's a way for me to process my own trauma, so please take care of yourself and skip it if you're not up for that!

::: spoiler self-harm, derealization, dysphoria, violence, religion I remember the first night I saw the man who wasn’t there He stood in the corner as I stared Frozen And the longer I looked, the less I saw As I studied his inhuman proportions He withered back into darkness But I knew he wasn’t gone

I was 13 when I first thought About ending things for good My grandpa’s service rifle leaned Heavily Against that basement wall I saw the man then, too Whispering words I couldn’t hear

I prayed to God the first time I saw the man move across the room That pale, empty face pressed into mine Silently His papered-over eyes a divine punishment His gaunt fingers tightened around My throat until my body tingled Then he left

For years he stood at my door Voicelessly shouting to be let in I closed my eyes and shouted back Silently I promised never to tell he’d been here That I would be good from now on I would learn to be quiet Please just let me go

I never did hear back from God My prayers dead letters in the mail But I shaped up just like I had promised Heavily I wrapped my fingers around my throat So hard my body tingled I shook all the evil out And stayed silent

Now when I dissociate in public I make sure not to take up too much space I wear an empty smile with papered-over eyes Frozen Sometimes I have moments of startling clarity Where the fog of derealization gently fades I study an inhuman form in the mirror I see the man who isn’t there :::

::: spoiler dysphoria Idk why I've felt so bad yesterday and today. I thought things would be better once I slept but I've just felt bad all day.

I would give anything for a girl to teach me how to do hair stuff and makeup stuff. Youtube tutorials just don't help me. :::

Got to see myself in a full body mirror that was pointed down slightly and damn I look good. I could use more sunlight because I'm in the weird stage of being brown but pale what with all these damn clouds and fog in my area these past months

::: spoiler dream Dreamt my balls were missing was like "ah damn, at least I got rid of one weakness" idk what would happen physically if they do go missing probably more of a buff than a nerf. My power would remain constant because mentally I'm built different :::

Nostalgia bait gets to me real bad

Why am I an adult with a shitty job instead of a child playing Minecraft at my friend's house. I'd give anything to go back.

[Hyperfixation warning]

Reading the current book I'm readingbook has made me realise that the type of character I resonate with the most is the one who gives up anything to pursue knowledge.

It makes me feel like "that's so me fr fr" (ignore the fact that the things I am lacking in life are completely tangential to my pursuit of knowledge, and the lack of these things has made me waver in pursuing knowledge).

Actually wait, don't ignore the brackets. Maybe we need to examine why media places such an emphasis on the idea that you have to give up a social life to pursue knowledge. Is it because people who are smart hate to think that their poor social life is actually a skill issue, and not that gamers needs are oppressed?

Well, if anyone has any suggestions on other short stories, specially horror stories, I'd love to make them into illustrated books, I love doing this and it's super fun for me, so I'd like to keep going.

@Alisu@hexbear.net the original Monkeys Paw story could be a good one

Not a horror exactly, but There Will Come Soft Rains features some great imagery in the writing

::: spoiler Dumb story, mention of dysphoria

Beloved national hero "Juan Disforia" was found brutally murdered in his apartment with a pickaxe buried in his head. The lead suspect "Transfemina Brown" remains at large, but the gender police have been hard at work trying to bring this vile criminal scum to justice. Despite certain controversies surrounding some of Juan's work such as the invention of gender dysphoria, we can all agree that violence has no place in politics, and we must all come together to support Juan's 2 children and wife.

• BBC news report in an alternate universe probably

:::

Finished a book in one day for the first time in a while; Piranesi.

Need to learn some basic ass stuff like how to cut my nails properly, been growing them for a bit to fix the fuck up I did last time. I got a file I got clippers just need to take my time slowly now

::: spoiler voice dysphoria Was thinking about this/feeling it yesterday... Voice would fix like 70% of my dysphoria. If I had a cis sounding voice people would take me seriously as a woman. I'd be able to even talk about my issues and dysphoria. As is I feel so ridiculous. It's the worst. ::: spoiler suicide I don't think I can train. Certainly not to the level of having a cis sounding voice. I've often thought I'd just kill myself instead and that I'd rather do that, when it actually comes to it though :/ really don't want to do either. ::: Voice training has me hopelessly stuck and miserable

I know, I know. Only 4 months of hrt is not a lot. Still feels like not much is changing. Nips rarely hurt. Maybe I'm losing some strength? Its so hard for me to know some of these things. Sexual changes ig but that's not what I want most. I want to be a woman already :/ I mean still closeted at home so mixed bag but yaa...

When will I notice body hair growth slowing down btw? Maybe that's starting, I feel like I get more days out of a shave.

After some introspection, I think I and many other people gravitate towards murderers in fiction because we feel helpless and drowned in shame in our personal lives. Seeing someone on a screen exercise the ultimate agency over another person's existence (taking it away entirely) without feeling a hint of shame, there's something cathartic about it. Same kinda deal with when I used to love reading trans comics and shit.

But now I don't, cause I'm transitioning and not living upto any standards in any of the shit I read, which makes me feel really jealous.

Does this imply that if I become a murderer, I will stop admiring fictional murderers because I will feel I don't live up to their hype, charm and gravitas?

Uh, maybe I'm getting carried away.

You know something? I could just have my GP do my research on transing for me.

::: spoiler A bit of a long rambling, some euphoria I had a lot of fun this weekend, but I'm sooooooo tired. Didn't have the courage to put on my dress and it didn't feel like a situation appropriate clothing. I still had fun and it was great socializing with good friends that I'm out to and are making an effort to be nice to me and most importantly, gender me correctly. I need more of this in my life.

But going to a rural place like 20 min away from any civilization, with lots of insects and etc, plus a lot of dirt and the air was super dry (which really did a number on my nose) and most importantly not being able to sleep in my specific way that requires many pillows was really tiresome. I guess a 2h+ drive for two consecutive days is also pretty exhausting. Guess I'll just have to rest a lot better tonight to compensate, but overall I'm pretty happy. :::

they're gonna make me hold up the spork again aren't they

@Wmill@hexbear.net did u ever get the Linux going on ur machine or what

Feeling a new emotion today. I don’t know what it is, but it’s like sadness with a metallic flavor. It doesn’t act like sadness though.

::: spoiler basically self-harm plan + weight issues

Ok so I know I've lost my fucking mind here, but I keep having impulsive thoughts of sucking out my belly fat using my needles.

Not sure if I'll go through with it. But if I do, it'll be something like a small removal per week. Enough to remove my fat cells slowly and speed up fat redistribution.

Of course, as the content warning says, I'm fully aware that this is basically self-harm in essence. I'm not even obese or have any health problems. But as we all know, dysphoria is hell.

:::

Tried showing my sibling some manosphere dark souls content and they had me shut the vid off after a few mintues because they were laughing so hard they were gonna throw up who else I'm I gonna share the sigma vids I watch now

Reddit is still such a dumb place. The subreddit for people who consume too many Chinese cultivation novels and brainrot and speak like they're in a period drama* is still somehow full of people who believe in western propaganda. Even while being aware of the existence of said propaganda.

Like subs, if you're gonna consume so much cultural product from a country, at least try to learn a bit more about it?

*I have also been affected, it's subtle, but you can see it from my comments

::: spoiler unpopular opinion Jk lol ds9 is kind of a great show and I'm glad I'm getting to experience it :::