HELLO THIS IS THE MEGA SIGN UP POST/LIST POST

if you have a preferred week please tell me

Alisu* (1/19 - 1/25)
Disaster_of_Passion* (1/26 - 2/1)
Eco* (2/2 - 2/8)
GayTuckerCarlson* (2/9 - 2/15)
oscardejarjayes* (2/16 - 2/22)
Shaleesh* (2/23 - 3/1)
SwitchyandWitchy* (3/2 - 3/8)

​ * after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters

Pussy acquired 😎

I have bottom surgery tomorrow!! (yay)

Renewed my car insurance and got a discount for changing my gender lol. The trans agenda at work!

• Waiting
• Get better insurance
• Get up to date health records
• Schedule consult
• First electrolysis appointment <--
• Consult

Feels good to keep making progress, even if it hurts a little too

A patient at work explained how their daughter had a second birthday to celebrate their bone marrow transplant for leukamia.

My clearly trans self accidentally said without thinking

"Huh I guess I have a second birthday too...uh for different reasons"

They said kindly "and you're happy?"

"So happy" (suddenly almost crying joyfully)

"I'm glad"

Talked about cartoons from my childhood yesterday and came to the realization that in almost every one I wanted to be one of the girl characters 😵 two notable exceptions: Godzilla (misunderstood, doesn't fit in) and Beast Boy from Teen Titans (shape shifter 👀).

I watched Shin Godzilla recently, and it immediately read to me as an allegory for transition 🥲 Why do I keep finding all these trans thoughts in my super cis brain?

My blood pressure and heart rate havent been this good in ages, apparently all I needed was major surgery this whole time wtf. Stressed about work and night shifts and caffeine and cortisol havent been good to me

::: spoiler irrelevant ranting

I like being under pressure. I don't like being in a pressure cooker. I am not allowed to fail any of my courses, not once. No second chances, I'll basically loose my scholarship. And this time around I've been struggling from studies due to having to commute 2-3 hours in the snow every day. The trains keep getting cancelled. I keep getting sick.

I had a chance to shift to a place actually near my uni, but it was utter trash and ... I literally forgot about it. I fjcking forgot about it. Plus, when would I even have the time to move?

:::

it’s my 1 year hrt anniversary but i have nothing to celebrate because i forgor to transition 💀

21st bday today🎉 Am I going to go out and drink like a normal person? No. Am I going to invite over my brother and force everyone in the house to watch The Pitt? Yes! And will I be discretely checking out all the 30+ year old men in the show? Also yes

I have a picture of myself that I like! I look pretty much like a girl in it, and maybe even a pretty one. I wanna look like that all the time...

Got hit with a full cognito hazard while at work today. One of the patients had fox news on and I just happened to be in the room while they were talking about the supreme court case regarding bans on trans people in sports. ::: spoiler Transphobia They refused to ever use the word transgender, just 'biological men' every time. Usually I don't have to hear anything from these ghouls while at work because most of my regulars like watching game shows or shit like Matlock. Just kinda shitty being stressed out having to float and learn an entire new floor and then just hear this absolute dogshit at the same time. :::

::: spoiler bottom surgery updates day 2 Woke up with a vagina, very happy about that~

Im not as nauseous today which is great. The pain is still pretty minimal, dunno if thats because I have a high pain tolerance or Im just lucky - my neighbour is complaining about a lot of pain. Like, to me, it hurts but like 2-3/10. It almost feels like getting kicked in the balls? Plus this burning sensation where the very base of my gock wouldve been. I have a little bit of phantom penis but that'll probably go away when I can actually see and touch my own pussy.

I want to get up and walk around but we have to wait 🙄🙄 :::

I'm going to girl mod in public for the first time. This is not the weather to be girlmodding, but all I am doing is going to the store to buy a makeup mirror and face primer.

Wish me luck.

Also - really funny coincidence but I am literally glittering right now. I don't know how this happened or what the fuck I touched.

::: spoiler bottom surgery update day 4 Much less pain than before! Also Im not waddling as much like a pregnant penguin lol. It was kinda funny to see like 10 other girls and we're all waddling around. Im very eager for the stent to come out but I think thats still 2 days away. It feels like I have a big poop but really its just a gigantic thing in my vagina.

Still great waking up and knowing I have a vagina~ I still havent seen it cause of the dressings and stuff. Phantom gock stuff is still kind of there, I swear I can feel my non existent balls moving up and down and my foreskin but both are in much different places than they were before. :::

Mmm capacitors they always remind me of little soda cans yum 😋

drop the T? yeah that’s what i’ve been doing

I'm not typing shit out cause it just feels like grabbing attention "oh look how fucked up and edgy I am". But I do not feel ok in general these days <---understatement

Reposting in the new mega since I didn't realize that it was up:

::: spoiler Misgendering, drama in LGBT spaces (not super heavy though).

Went to the local gay/LGBT bar last night for a bit. My gf wore a skirt and tights going out, which was their first time doing that at the bar. She had worn a skirt to work before, but this was the first time doing it in "public" I supposed. Overall, it was pretty chill. The bar itself is kinda lame (the drinks suck), but there were friends there so was fun to hang out and connect. Sunday is their drag open stage, so that was also fun, although there was a bit of drama. Apparently, one of the drag kings is a conservative, and heard that they were being bad-mouthed for being a conservative and confronted my trans masc friend there (also the drag king is friends with the trans masc's mom who he still lives with, so yeah). I chatted a bit with one of my other trans masc friends whose style I am so jealous of, but he was pretty impressed that I did leatherwork (my gf showed off their spiked collar I made for them), so I hope the feeling is mutual. I can't wait to finish up some pieces this week and get longer laces for my knee-highs so I can debut a killer outfit next weekend.

A negative thing that happened, was my gf did get misgendered by the bartender incidentally, and I feel guilty since I kinda forgot to check in with them about it. I think that it was corrected/resolved, but I need to reach out and make sure they're okay. :::

It's time for a far too long rant from me, a person who doesn't spend enough time in the trans mega to feel like I have any right to ask you lovely people to read my shit!

::: spoiler oof ouch owie family stuff My dad is a manipulative asshole and I'm having a hard time coming to terms with that.

My sister and I are both trans and have been out for years at this point. My dad and sister have always had a strained relationship, which has ebbed and flowed over the years. Recently, their relationship seemed really good, the best it's been since before she was a teenager. My dad was being kind and my sister was enjoying spending time with him.

That is, until about a week and a half ago when my dad and sister spent the day together doing a really neat folk tradition in the town where we grew up. Because my fucking dad misgendered my sister all day. Literally every time he introduced her to someone or spoke about her it was "my son" and "he".

My sister sent him a text the next day basically saying "hey, I can't talk to you for awhile, the way you acted yesterday was unacceptable, I'll get in contact again when I'm ready" and he texts back with (paraphrased) "it's so hard for me that you're trans, I didn't understand that it was real and not a phase, trans women are in such danger, a good proportion of them detransition, I'm sad I'll never have grandchildren, my life has been so hard since my divorce, and also my dad was a real piece of work and I'm way better than he was".

And like, fucking hell is that not the right response!! Not once did he even gesture towards an apology, it was all about how hard it is for him to deal with the fact that my sister is trans.

I talked to him on the phone, trying to figure out what the fuck he was thinking and got the exact same spiel! He started crying (literally crying, my dad uses tears as very effective emotional manipulation, which it somehow took until the conversation I'm relating for me to realize) about how sad he is that he and Mom are no longer together, which is fucking rich because he divorced her!! It was not mutual, it was entirely my dad's decision to end his marriage, and yet my mom is the evil one for not groveling to try to get back with Dad.

He then proceeded to call my sister childish for refusing to talk to him, and when I said that's not fair and actually he's the one being childish, he told me I should talk to a few adults about the situation to get their take. I'm 35. By any definition I'm an adult, and I said as much to him.

Then at the end of the conversation, Dad made sure to point out to me that he hadn't misgendered my sister a single time in the entire phone conversation. I said that was true and thanked him for it. It was only later that I realized, hang on, Dad never misgenders her when talking to me! I literally don't remember the last time he fucked it up where I could hear him! And that's fucked. It means he knows he should be treating my sister as a woman and is perfectly capable of doing so in certain contexts. He specifically chose to misgender her the day they spent together and his "I'm just a clueless idiot, how could I possibly have known?!?!" is entirely an act!

For so many years I've been making excuses for him: he grew up in a different time, his dad was an abusive pos, he really truly loves us even if he doesn't quite see who we truly are, he's miserable and doesn't understand his own emotions, etc. I think I'm done. I think I can't make these excuses for him any more. He needs to change his behavior or he will never talk to his daughter again, it's straight up that simple.

I'm going to avoid ranting too much about how he has never, not once used they/them pronouns for me. I got over it long ago, even though his reasoning for this inability (which he's happy to share with me), is that "singular they is bad grammar". I've told him, time and time again that that's just not true! Shakespeare used singular they. And furthermore, even if the singular they was actually a new bit of grammar, and not at least as old as Shakespeare, so fucking what! Languages change! Constantly! And that's a good thing!

I think he probably could use my correct pronouns if he cared about who I actually am. Of course it's hard for people his age, of course he'd mess up sometimes, but you know? He could fucking try. He won't, but he could if he cared to. I can't excuse his lack of trying anymore. Sure, I don't really care, I'm comfortable enough in my gender that it doesn't bother me when people use he or she for me, but his not even pretending to try is more evidence that he just doesn't care enough about his children to see us as real people. And that's a little fucked, really :::

Musing on whether the return of an old hobby/hyper-fixation is a sign of good or bad mental health.

I know someone trans who very seriously dehumanized me, and I just learned that they got trans affirming surgery. I'm so jealous that a person I hate gets to experience having the opposite of their original genitals.

I want to have my exact genitals, I just wish I could morph my body into having, both, a vag and dick at the same time, whenever I want.

Down with cis!

Nothing to report. Still trans.

Holy hell. I had some inkling that failing my assignment would be a blessing in disguise, but it's only been 2 days and I've

1. Publically bought girl clothes for the first time
2. Girlmodding in public for the first time
3. Applied a full face of makeup for the first time.

I would unironically love to go outside right now and show the world, but after having already gone outside earlier while girl modding, I realised how off I looked. Not cause I didn't look like a girl (HRT has done its magic), but because I was wearing summer clothes in the winter! That's my only concern!

Also, going out in full makeup just to buy supermarket pizza (only thing I would need to go out for). Idk.

Up with trans!

I’ve been thinking about my life and what I’d ideally like it to be like, and right now the answer is “hobbit.” So I’m going to be thinking about how to make my life more hobbity. I suspect it’ll be helpful to actually have something to focus my thoughts on; whenever I try to think about what I’d like I usually end up just floundering.

Capacitor? I hardly even know 'er!

Question for you all: I have read part of the pre-trans experience is a brain fog, and that going on hormones can alleviate it. How long were you on HRT before this happened? I'm thinking of covertly getting a prescription just to see if there are any immediate shifts in my mind that will solidify things for me.

::: spoiler bottom surgery updates day 3 More pain today than yesterday, got some tramadol. I got to put my clothes on! We got to walk more, I enjoyed it but apparently most patients find they do it too often. Im supposed to move to the recovery house today, thank god cause my neighbour has made probably 20 calls with half of them ending in "j'ai dit 'fuck you'" to whoever it is shes yelling at.

Got a manual valve for my pee which is nice, instead of the catheter. I guess I could piss standing up still with this thing but I am ready to end that chapter of my life lol. :::

I'm currently in that stage of life where I'm yearning for the human instrumentality project from evangelion. And uh ... that's not a good thing.

I love being reminded I do not pass

I stubbed the absolute shit out of my toe yesterday, now its all purple.

::: spoiler bottom surgery update day 5 I definitely have less energy than before but it's not that bad. I needed a nap after walking and talking to my mom and sister yesterday lol. I have some homework today to do and it's not exactly super advanced for me but I do feel a little more tired. Pain still isn't that bad, maybe 1/10? I feel it but it ain't exactly bothering me. I'm kinda over how much socializing the other girls wanna do here, I'm not super social in the first place and the constant forced socialization is wearing me down. I'm supposed to be able to have a shower tomorrow and that'll be nice, I feel very gross today. Still haven't seen the surgeons work yet, that'll come tomorrow. Probably doesn't look like much but a bunch of scarred meat. :::

::: spoiler politics/current events Reading more and more out of Minneapolis has me so scared. I knew all this would happen too. ::: ::: spoiler whining/suicide/dysphoria Been thinking about kms basically all day today, so dysphoric, feels hopeless. I don't know who or how to reach out or what to say or what could even make this okay. fucking hate being trans. :::

What do we think about these pillow covers https://www.ikea.com/us/en/p/vildpersilja-cushion-cover-black-green-multicolor-floral-pattern-60582335/#content

My mom doesn't like them but I think they'd liven my place up. Am I cooking or nah

Two years into this and only woman thing I've done is put on nail polish award

Mods Mods my mega is unpinnable, prove me wrong

Why did I never go to conventions when I was younger? Everyone keeps complimenting my outfit and taking pictures with me and being super nice!

Oh right...the dysphoria.

I went and got clothes with my friend and it was swag!!!! I looked a lot better than I expected. Like apparently my ass is pretty shapely?? I got more stuff than I expected to (some I could justify needing for work)

Told her about my self harm, we both shared some personal stuff about that, and I asked about something that had been bothering me and turns out there was something there but talking about it resolved like 90% of it. Communication low-key goated when stronger friendship's the vibe

Rp forums returning would be the death of ai gooner chatbots, I know I'd be willing to do my part I can anyone interested hit me up in dms

I cant sleep again.

This time I used my time a little more wisely and organized my tool closet/toolbox It is now nice and neat and devoid of any garbage. The guest room is neater now too.

Im so fucking depressed. I think Im worrying my cat.

::: spoiler Thoughts about sexuality, sex For most of my adult life, it’s felt like it only makes sense to say I’m asexual, but I’ve always had a deeper feeling that to accept that would be to misunderstand myself. I never know where to go with that thought though.

I’ve had sex a few times. Each time there were parts of it I really enjoyed, but overall I felt uncomfortable, and later worried about the other person expecting me to have sex with them again.

In hindsight I can say those were not people I would want to explore sex with, and theoretically it would be better with the right partners, but it’s hard for me to imagine that. It would help to find trans partners, but just meeting trans people is going very slowly already.

Some of it happened when I was an egg, and some of it was at a time when I was trying to convince myself I was happy with where I was in my transition. In both cases it brought things to the surface that I didn’t know how to process.

I’m on E now, and that might be opening up new possibilities of what sex could mean to me, but I’ve mostly been treating it as a relief to have even less of a sex drive.

There’s very little in my surface level feelings that shows any sign of ever wanting to have sex again. But I think on a deeper level I would be happier if I could develop a place for sex in my life. I worry that’s just internalized ace-phobic societal norms, but I think I’ve rejected enough norms to recognize a genuine feeling.

I think I want bottom surgery some day, but I’m not comfortable getting it with so many unanswered questions about what I want out of my genitals sexually.

Any kind of reply is appreciated. I feel like I’ve been mostly shouting into the void lately (other places, not here). :::

::: spoiler Body image stuff Being heavy before HRT and earlier on in the process caused me so much dysphoria. But omg I'm starting to enjoy it now? I have a wonderfully soft and squishy tummy, and looking in the mirror now I just look good to myself.

Part of this has been working on my own body image and unlearning fat-phobia. Which like most forms of bigotry, the internalized form seems to have taken the longest to counteract.

But also, as I'm starting to slowly approach the 2 year mark on hrt, the fat redistribution is becoming more noticeable. :::

::: spoiler mortality, dysphoria Can't believe my one fucking life I have to forever be in a body I hate every inch of, with a voice I hate, being hated because I have the fucking audacity to hate it. Holy shit it's so fucking depressing. Been crying on and off at work. Fuck me. Fucking hate being trans. I get ONE FUCKING LIFE and it's ruined by this shit. Fuck off. I hate everything about my body, it's genuinely horrid. And then I die and don't get anything else.

If other people suffered half this much we'd be extinct by now. :::

::: spoiler dysphoria (positive news tho) I feel like I finally am figuring out how to get a smooth shave without scratching the shit out of my face or making my pores irritated. I've always been a skincare in the morning person (I hate getting into bed and having hair get stuck to my face), but my skin is naturally really dry.

My trick is I wash my face in the evening and reapply my moisturizer before I go to bed 🤦 My dry skin was making my facial hair hard for the shaver to reach for whatever reason. It's soooo smooth now 🥰 I still have facial hair shadow, but I'm no longer anxiously picking at my chin anymore. :::

In other news, had a good big cry yesterday RE: trauma I posted about yesterday. It didn't make me feel better, but it did make me feel. Baby steps :)

So, I have to take a break since I ran out of (silver color) rivets, but here's what I completed jewelry-wise this week:

• 1 x 1.25 inch strap/2.5 in ring o-ring belt.
• 2 x 1.5 in wide spiked bracelets (15mm spikes).
• 2 spiked boot straps (1 in strap, 25 mm spikes + chains). EDIT: This was accidental, but the boot straps can also be worn as a cool choker.
• 1 curb chain choker with spikes (25 mm)
• 1 chain bracelet with spike charms.

Unfortunately it is too cold/slippery to wear my new knee-high boots out to the LGBT bar/club tonight, but I am super happy about getting into the hobby.

i am familiar with the objects known as capacitors although only in the context of electric guitar / basses where they are used to filter the output and create "tone" we call it 1950s tech although im seeing they are apparently much older than that.

also my dream self told me to cut my hair short and bleach it 🤔

Was looking for something before I go to bed and holy fuck my room is a shithole right now. Haven't cleaned in ages because I've felt like shit. Shame because it was really nicely kept for a while.

::: spoiler one last negativity for the road FUCK I hate being trans. I hate all the things I'm dysphoric about, I hate the decisions, I hate not being out, I hate being out and not looking how I want to, I hate being so widely discriminated against, I hate what puberty did to me, I hate how fucking expensive fixing this shitbox body is going to be. I honestly cannot think of anything about this experience that I like. All because my stupid fucking failbrain didn't want to masculinize correctly. Now I'm just fucking fucked because some fucking hormone receptors couldn't do THEIR FUCKING JOBS* and now I get to suffer because of it. :::

::: spoiler therapy idk When your cis therapist suggests you find queer people to talk to and your eye twitches because you have already:

• reached out to University services only to find that their groups conflict with your schedule
• been referred by the university to an agency that claims to specialize in lgbtq care, agreeing under the assumption that you'd get an in person therapist with some experience in queer issues
• spent months talking to this therapist over zoom and at times feeling like I have to explain gender envy and dysphoria and how sexuality is different?

My instinct is to just like, ghost. I know it's crappy. I'm beginning to worry that I'm just not built for talk therapy, not because I don't like talking about my problems, but because nothing makes it easier to take action or make changes. It's like, therapy gradually becomes about the fact that I thought therapy would be more helpful?

My brain is starting to turn to static from how much I think about these things, and they just kinda repeat and swirl until I've been staring at the wall for a while hehe :::

Drove into town and fog is just in this fucking place, half a football field of visibility. No demons from my past have shown up yet

Is my transition even happening if I am its only witness

This whole thing where I'm suddenly making a ton of progress on transitioning feels like that other time when I tried to learn dancing but then quit right away because of severe dysphoria (ie, the men of the group refused to dance with a "male"). Some similar event is going to happen again and I will lock myself in my room and cry and go back to being depressed.

I was the only one in my friend group to stay a virgin "fuck valentine's day" we said and then one by one those absolute losers found relationships. It's hard knowing you're the realest person you know

So I've got a ton of body hair, what's the best route to yeet this shit off my body? Laser? I do meet the light skin+dark hair combo.

I'm going to fail

to me.

After all that extreme amount of effort.

Because in this course, it doesn't matter if you reach 90% of the way. You need something that works 100% else you fail.

Gonna get some new glasses to replace my 4 year old masc-leaning frames. Baby steps :)

major downside of not being a tech girlie is that every time something seems to go even mildly wrong with my computer I instantly freak out and just assume it's like permanently and irrepairably bricked

::: spoiler spoiler I needed to update a driver and turn my computer off and on again

definitely worth the late night panic attack :::

Got my first waist belt finished! It was a bit of a process, namely that I had to completely redesign it when the new PU leather that I got turned out to be too flimsy to be used as a continuous belt, but I was able to make use of strips from some stiffer PU material I already had + tow rings from the hardware store + a thrifted PU belt + other odds and ends. The piece is a little rough at spots, but it's nice/cool enough to wear out as an accessory for a dress.

You got half, third and then you just keep adding th at the end for fourth fifth sixth and so on so it's got me thinking on why 1/2 1/3 aren't twoth and threeth. Bum ass language monolinguists shaking and pissing in they boots

Went to the dermatologist the other day. They did fraxel and TCA cross, basically felt like getting laser facial hair removal all over my face and 8 times in a row. Right now I look like I was stung by bees and my face feels like it's made of sandpaper.

But! Maybe when I heal my scars and discoloration will look, like, 5% better?

i've been trying to get back into exercising and even really basic calisthenics like 3x20ish bodyweight squats is kicking my ass i can't tell if it's muscle atrophy from HRT, lingering effects of long covid (got it for the first time in august last year after 5 years of evading it, and i had pretty noticeable long covid until about a month ago), or atrophy from being sedentary because i low key gave up on everything and became a gamer neet shut in while i had long covid

current

Haha

Also capacitors rock. I'm currently (haha) reading about DC power supplies and how capacitors do the bulk of making AC current stable, the other half largely being diodes.

I started loving myself I ironically/appreciating my looks and as with everything done like this it has just become real like that time I was a pretended to be a fan. Any of you to cowardly to accept radical self love just do it ironically at first

The real comment count on my mega was 1000 it's just that hexbear and their cheating moderation team wants you to believe it's lower, fake news real ones see all the hidden posts. Keep posting and stay beautiful trans mega

i ran out of coffee creamer the other day and i keep forgetting to buy more. as a result, i've been drinking a lot less coffee because it's harsher on my stomach and less palatable, that and i switched to pre ground coffee that i found on clearance at the grocery store because it was cheap. my coffee tastes so much worse now that i'm not drinking as much and somehow this is a good thing because i drink too much coffee to begin with so uh.... that's good i guess?

Was looking for something the other day and it hit me how much of a mess my room is now :/ its really bad. I was so happy with it being all cleaned up too. But now its a disaster. Definitely truth to the idea a persons space reflects their mind

You'd think understanding the reason, the real root cause for your depression would help, but it didn't help me. How the fuck am I supposed to not be depressed given, all of this.

I'm kind of stupid because I will literally feel tired, lay in bed cuddled up under a blanket, and then wake up surprised that I napped (I didn't mean to)

Waking up an hour before the meetup and stressing out about making it to the meetup which causes me to sit in bed with intense brain fog which causes me to miss the meetup

Sorry for this sex ed question, but at how much risk of STDs am I putting myself by having frequent unprotected oral sex with different people?

::: spoiler spoiler Today I had for the first time in my life sucked off a stranger. There was no condom involved though. While I really enjoyed it and would love to do it more often, I feel like I already did a huge mistake by not having used protection today. How risky was what I did? :::

::: spoiler relationship stuff, trauma Couples counseling is the hardest emotional labor I have ever done. It makes me so anxious that I've been getting heartburn 😮‍💨 It's terrifying for me because I am working through what I'm finally starting to acknowledge is childhood trauma. I've been repressed and emotionally manipulated by unavailable parents my whole life, and now I have to reckon with that.

It makes gender identity so much harder to grasp when basic autonomy is something I have to force myself into. I've never been allowed to make my own choices, so now the choices only I can make are some of the hardest. It's so discouraging and makes me doubt my gender identity even more, despite getting gender euphoria and gender envy from femme-aligned things/people.

Anyway, just posting this to feel like I told someone. It's very lonely being closeted and too scared to even experiment with my expression. Telling anyone I know would upend my whole life 😮‍💨 :::

im gonna need Inanna to take over some time god's domain and add more hours into the day so i can sleep longer

:::spoiler psychedelic drugs

I dont know if I will ever have the desire to do any strong psychedelic substance again, the last time I was uncomfortable, sweaty, and sad. The first few times I had such a strong desire to do it again because the experience was so novel to me. I actually feel like it's not fun for me anymore, even cannabis can be too much for me sometimes. The most fun I had doing these was when I was with other people, even in the context of playing video games. Doing it alone is extremely boring. There have also been times when it's sort of a "surrounded by other people, but still alone" situation and that wasn't really fun either.

:::

::: spoiler out of bit You ever feel like having a tail?

Sometimes I just wish I had a tail. :::

ⓘ This user is suspected of being a cat. Please report any suspicious behavior.

Fun fact. Capactiors and capacitance in general represent a sort of "speed of electricity" (more specifically, it's slowness). The more capacitance you have, the slower electrical signals will travel, cause they gotta fill up every capacitance they see on the way.

It's kind of like a traveling water hose (electrical signal/pulse/wavefront) that has to stop and fill up every bucket (capacitance) it sees on its way to its destination. Like a very horny water hose filling up very needy irresistible buckets 😳.

Ok well, the water hose does not fully stop to fill every bucket. Part of its energy/power moves beyond, so you will still see the very beginning of the pulse arrive at the speed of light. But as more and more of the bulk energy/power of the pulse is left behind, the average spatial movement speed of the bulk slows down.

And the whole of the world is like a big electrical sponge. Wherever you have charges separated by a distance, you will have capacitance. It doesn't matter if there is a conductive path or not. Take a metal fork. Every point on the fork has a capacitance with every other point on the fork, even the ones next to each other. The same goes for your fingers, the air, the oceans, even between the sun and the earth there is capacitance.

That's all it takes for capacitance to arise, cause it just represents the fact that when 2 charges are seperated, there is energy between them (coulomb's force).

Shaved legs (long but good), and tried eye shadow again (short but bad). I am a girl but this shit takes so much effort

I feel glad that I failed today, and that I was a loser and that my efforts yielded nothing. Dunno why, but I feel more confident now.

Fuck yeah capacitors mega! Excellent choice :)

fuck :cri tired and crying a lot today. Tomorrow is going to be a long day, probably wednesday too.

I'm lonely. I'm dysphoric. Drained. So unbelievably drained.

::: spoiler burnout. ramblings, depression I'm only like a week and a half into work after my break and I'm already burnt out again. I've been burned out for so long. First school and now this. It doesn't end. I just want out.

When I was a kid, I used to look at my dog and think it was unfair that out of the two of us, I was the one that rolled lucky. We were both born into this world and only I got to experience life as a human. I was sad he would never get to experience what I got to. But now I realize how much being a human fucking sucks and I would have done anything to live his life. :::

::: spoiler dysphoria Been pretty dysphoric lately. Bottom dysphoria has been rough. Its so... weird and gross and wrong. Its weird and fleshy and I don't like it. idk how to describe the feeling. Worse when it gets excited ofc. Keep stopping to cry which is not my favorite...

Facial hair. Need fucking laser. First thing I'm doing when I finally get a car. Hate ts and I rarely get it all off.

Biggest tragedy is my voice. 3 months hrt and hardly any voice training. Girlmoding with this fucking mans voice sounds worse then death. I actually, actually am so fucked in this regard.

My size and everything else. I'm taller then all of the women at work and most of the men. I was working with this one girl most of the weekend and talking with her a lot and she's so much shorter then me. Probably a foot idk she's tiny. Fuck me.

Also my feet and hands are too fucking big. Hate how big my fucking feet are.

I hate being called my deadname and misgendered and its way worse when its someone I'm out to. I told my boss a little bit ago and she's been good enough about it but never asked my name, always calls me my old stuff even in private, just sucks. Clearly doesn't think of me as a woman. Unfortunate. Not bringing it up or pushing it with her because she's my boss but whatever. :::

I never want to touch circuit layouts ever again. I want absolutely nothing to do with them. For the past week I've been staying until 3-4 AM every day working literally 15 ish hours per day on this assignment .

And I hate being the incompetent buffoon dragging the group down with my idiotic mistakes while the others carry.

::: spoiler cw: depression, self harm I'm so tired of doing nothing. Nothing works for me. I can't do anything. I want to get out of my parents place, but I have no income. I tried getting a job in the field I got a degree on for like 2 years. I suck at corporate stuff. Even if I manage to be employed, it will be torture. When I had a job, I almost cried a few times, and that was before E. I think I would have cried in front of my coworkers if I was on E already.

How the fuck am I supposed to be able to live being unable to exist under those environments. Like, I get it, you're not supposed to like it, just pretend, but I simply can't do it. I don't know what to do. I can't keep living here, I can't be myself if I stay, but I also can't leave.

Next week my parents want me to work with them, but that's going to be so taxing and unbearable I'm literally considering self-harm to have an excuse not to go. I just want to get the fuck out, but it's impossible... :::

FINALLY going clothes shopping after work today with my friend. Still kinda scared I'm gonna look like shit but I trust her to help steer me in the right direction. Also going to try to tell her about my self harm relapse and clear up some other things that have been bothering me

::: spoiler CW: Self Hate, Despair and Depression I am caught in my doomer mindset, i noticed i'm the only person i can't love. I have trouble accepting the reality i am in. I waste my life waiting that hormones do some magic. While it's extremely easy for me to accept and support others i wither away in my own misery. My coworkers get I'm different and all support me but I'm too scared to be open about being myself. I am a woman. But as soon as other people get involved i turn into whatever my mind thinks is most fitting. Therapy feels like a dead end. I isolated myself. Fuck my shitty chungus life atm. Maybe someday it'll get better... :::

::: spoiler envy Too many pretty people

If I'm not stopping myself from glancing, I'm tripping over myself to avoid having an awkward interaction

Then I come home and stare into space :::

Learning walk in freezer troubleshooting really is easy after a point, shit if they ever get thermoelectric modules more efficient then that be dope to troubleshoot.

Can't help but be disappointed a drop of my medicine leaked out

computers

I can't believe how long transition is taking and I can't believe I'm trans and I can't believe this is actually my fucking life

Adding 30 minutes to my drive because the risk of my car breaking down on a backwater road is the only thrill I seem to get in life anymore.

Although the spike in my heart rate whenever I realize I'm being perceived by a remotely pretty person could qualify under certain circumstances. Not most, of course

I don't know how to escape this hell

::: spoiler suicide

I don't have a way of dealing with suicidal thoughts. They just keep coming and coming until they stop coming cause my brain gets tired and I have too low of an attention span and WOWZERS IS THAT A NEW KAGURABACHI CHAPTER?!

Yeah basically that's how I deal with it. Frankly, I haven't killed myself partially because to do I would have to actually research, formulate and carry out a plan and oof that is so much trouble.

:::

Long weekend is over, still exhausted, still not ready for life. Thinking/thought of messaging someone about this but I don't know what all I'd tell her or what I'd want from her. Just to not feel alone I guess.

god this is awful

Finally got around to taking care of myself and shaving body tonight. Got out of the shower and put glasses on/touched my arm, expecting to be super pleased with my results. But I missed fucking hair everywhere unfortunately :/ ruined the moment. Still not happy with my thighs, always the worst of my body hair.

Working as a blacksmith after woke is difficult because I'm told I can no longer make premade guy and girl armor like that wtf

If one was trying to get a US passport after their old one expired, and had to update both name and gender marker on it, what would the procedure for that look like? I have been half under a rock for a while for my own mental health reasons. Is it still safe to do gender marker changes? Id think so but tbh idk... My legal name has changed so i need to do that no matter what. Id like to have a passport tho.

Got through today. Have to get up early and get through tomorrow. Thankfully manager gave me light work for part of my shift. Work has been getting harder lately, honestly too many of my coworkers fucked around and now it sucks for everyone. Pleeeease let me be ditching out because its no longer chill there.

god its such bs that I have to keep working I'm fucking done with this. maybe I'm more disabled then I thought idk.

trans girl buying women's clothes for the first time

Exhibitionist in training

Made things much easier for me.

I got some much needed jeans and a a black vneck with white polka dots. I'd have gotten more if the designs that fit me weren't trash like "sparkly purple woolen way too short sweater"

Unfortunately, my exhibitionism stat is not high enough I kept going to the men's locker for changing 😕. Wait no, since I'm a girl doesn't that increase my exhibitionism points?

We gotta assemble a team of people who know how to do stuff real good, we making a variable gender frequency drive. Picture it a knob you turn to change up gender to different frequencies of the users choice.

Tomorrow got more fog to look forward too hate driving in it though I will admit walking around in it makes me feel like a mysterious person

Been thinking of trying out streaming lately, I have a lot of the work done, but I need a plan to make this work

Actually taking some selfies I like recently. It's always the ones I put the least thought and effort into that turn out the best 🤔 I still feel so awkward taking pics though

Boss asking why I'm putting up so many shifts and if I'm okay because she doesn't want me to burn out (oops too late)

Do areolas shrink after time? I read this on the Internet.

I've read all the Dorley Hall that is out so far. So I have started on When You Fell From Heaven. The cheerleader book. I had been surprised when others on BlueSky and here said it was possibly better than Dorley Hall. But I definitely see that.

::: spoiler Vague Spoilers as I'm halfway through the first book It's such a good pastiche of early 2000s teenage film. It feels like it belongs with Bring It On (which canonically did happen in their universe) and other films like that. It's also a really good period piece, capturing how homophobic things were.

Also that there is enough pop cultural awareness of crossdressing and drag culture, but not of trans people, that supporting characters knowing about tucking or fake breasts but not of the concept of HRT or gender dysphoria etc. They even reference To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar which is film about Drag and gender but that is itself kind of confused between what is a trans woman and a drag queen.

All of the decisions that lead to Max being feminized make sense in the moment, yet gain momentum and keep domino-ing so the charade has to continue. The fact that Max goes along with things that another "male" character would outright refuse, is blindly obvious to us now, because she is simply a trans girl and these are giving her euphoria. :::

I like the fantasy of having a partner, but in reality, I don't do the things I'd need to find someone nor do I find anyone I know particularly partner material. Doubt I ever will find someone and partner up. Year ? of being alone forever. Nobody's somebody

Living with ADHD feels like I have "action points" and "quest completion points".

Tasks cost action points, and I have a limited number of action points. I need to stock them up over time and there is a maximum limit to the stock.

Meanwhile, I have to earn a minimum quota of quest completion points every 2-3 days, else I start getting very panicky. Once I get enough quest completion points, I don't need to work for that period anymore.

And of course, the action point expenditure is completely unrelated to the effort spent doing the task (but it is proportional to how many frustrations I encounter). The quest completion points is unrelated to the actual importance of the task.

Because of this, simply managing my daily life and studies is horrendously difficult.

Does anyone else feel this?

::: spoiler CW:suicide+SA

Might as well speak. If I start self-censoring on an anonymous forum (mass surveillance not widthstanding), then what's the point?

Anyways, I'm sure many of you already know about my deeply fucked up "fantasies". No point repeating them cause you can just search my previous comments with s**cide and r*pe and SA keywords.

But anyway, those are not really fantasies, more like hauntings. And they never went away, I just didn’t focus on them for a while. As soon as I did again, the floodgates opened and I feel every bit as desperate and choked as I ever did back then.

And I know many people will tell me that one day I will find a partner that I can safely practice BDSM with, but this is not BDSM, I just want to fucking die. I would just prefer it to be at the hands of a partner cause that would make it less scary.

And I'm not sure if you can call it a CNC kink when I can't even imagine anyone genuinely being attracted to me. I only want to be SA'd again cause the only way I can imagine someone enjoying it is if it could satisfy their urge for hurting a human.

Or maybe, this all is just how people with this "kink" are, and this is the source. It's a coping mechanism. But God do I want this to end. :::

Having a very bad body image day, the way I look just makes me depressed. I don't even have the motivation to change it either, but I can't accept the way I look

Why can’t I buy “feeling okay” online what even is the point of the internet then what a scam

I don't get why I gotta be so smooth in my dreams, was flirting with this fucking nerd and like that was fun? Idk I feel I'm at the age where all the single people my age are taken already/settled down

we need dorley hall merch

More electricity fun facts cause this shit is basically my dao (look up what it means).

Just as important to electricity as capacitors are inductors, which are basically literally anti-capacitors. Both in the sense that inductors have a negative capacitance (***), and that inductors behave in the opposite "direction" to capacitors.

***you do need a conversion factor proportional to frequency^2

Capacitors block low frequencies and let high-frequencies through. Inductors block high-frequencies and let through low frequencies.

As I've explained, capacitance is basically just the ability of a device to store electric energy. Inductance? It's the ability to store magnetic energy!

Because of this complementary relationship, when you combine inductance with capacitance, it creates many wonderful effects. Examples are

1. Power factor correction and speed ups: capacitance slowing down your circuits? Is it adding delay? Just add an inductance (negative capacitance) to cancel out the capacitance!

2. Oscillation: capacitors store electric energy, inductors store magnetic energy. What happens when you combine them? You get something which keeps shifting energy between electrical and magnetic forms. Wikipedia has a nice animation, just go to the "operation" section. "B" is the magnetic field, "E: is the electric one, and "i" is current. (L is inductance and C is capacitance)

3. Filters: capacitors block low frequencies, inductors block high frequencies. Through their combinations, you can selectively filter specific frequencies. Though digital filters these days are common. But at least back in the day, this is how your radio would tune its frequencies.

::: spoiler hygiene Havent even brushed my hair in the last few days and really should do that, shower, wash it, shave my arms/legs... ugh I hate taking care of myself so much. :::

GOOD post

Reading the fluff pieces for new world of darkness is pretty fun, talking about the in between stories between chapters. Anyway one is about this PI who is so goddamn Bostonian can't help but to racist every couple of lines there is only one good Bostonian in my heart and that's

::: spoiler suicide, dysphoria I should kill myself

I'm tired of all this suffering and dysphoria. I don't even know how to put it into words. I fucking hate being a trans woman so much. I hate my voice, I hate the effort, I hate my body and I hate how t ruined me. I hate society, I hate humanity, I hate living. Why the fuck.

There is nothing even vaguely redeeming about this experience. I hate it more then anything. I would do or sacrifice anything for it to go away. Being trans is my own personal hell that no one seemingly notices or cares about. I genuinely should shoot myself and get it over with. :::