HELLO THIS IS THE MEGA SIGN UP POST/LIST POST

if you have a preferred week please tell me

Wmill*  (1/12 - 1/18)
Alisu* (1/19 - 1/25)
Disaster_of_Passion* (1/26 - 2/1)
Eco* (2/2 - 2/8)
GayTuckerCarlson* (2/9 - 2/15)
oscardejarjayes* (2/16 - 2/22)
Shaleesh* (2/23 - 3/1)
SwitchyandWitchy* (3/2 - 3/8)

​ * after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters

In about a week, I'll have bottom surgery! Still doesnt feel totally real...

My one year HRT tran-iversary is going to be on a day off next month. Fuck yeah!

Sometimes being autistic means spending the first few years on your own not realising you can just do things without prior guidance/permission. I bought a blanket last week cause I wanted a blanket - so what if I didn't have one where I grew up? Fuck it, I have a blanket for the couch now.

I should have done this years ago lol. It's so comfy. Crazy how the world opens up when you realize this.

Had a very puppy evening, got lots of pets and it was really nice, and just got to be puppppyyyyyy

There should be a pound where I can adopt a puppy girl

::: spoiler pet play I have horrible executive dysfunction; doing all sorts of little things can be so hard for me for no good reason, even when I really want to do them.

Two of my partners are using clicker training to train me to do my chores and it's so fucking sexy, and it's actually working so well too! Like way better than anything I've tried in years of therapy. Being a big gay freak continues to pay :::

::: spoiler sex idea JOI but it's getting you to do basic hygiene and drinking water. :::

When archivists look back on this post as the revolutionary moment that turned society around can you say you upbeared it?

the instant shot of anxiety when I make a slightly off-color joke on this website

Going to the store is stressful

The amount of people standing exactly where I need to stand or moving so slow genuinely makes me question myself. I feel the need to avoid aisles with people in them. I'm not even sure what kind of shampoo I bought because a worker needed to be exactly where I was standing and that prompted me to just go straight to checkout. I feel like everyone is in my way, or I'm in everyone's way.

It's hard not to freak out over the prospect of nobody being able to relate to things that I post. I go into this meta-analysis of "why do people respond to other people but not me". It's a lot

having symptoms of perimenopause and reading about taking testosterone, estrogen and progesterone at the same time hrt sundae

We are so back today! Tried out a chosen name in my support group and am feeling really good trying clothes on 🥰 It's scary choosing to pursue my identity, but that recognition and acknowledgment of my inner self seeps into other areas of my life. It's empowering.

been thinking about a super dumb bit i want to try IRL where I claim that I'm detransitioning into an HRT femboy and then change literally nothing about myself

Lost a pet

::: spoiler spoiler 3 am and just left the emergency vet, my brothers cat had to be put down, I lived with the little guy for years when we first got him and even though I haven’t visited my brothers apartment often since he moved a few years ago, I still loved that little cat. First time I’ve cried in maybe 3 years. :::

Up with trans.

I've been reflecting on the fact most Estrogen pills are dissolvable and that could lead to incredible bits. (I know sublingual is better than oral, this is just for the bits)

Like announcing to your friends you forgot to take your HRT today, reaching into your purse and getting a test-tube filled with neon pink liquid solution (probably raspberry cordial which the tablets have been dissolved) and unstopping it and swallowing it all in one gulp.

Or the fact you can add it as a cocktail ingredient. Making a Porn-star Martini and throwing a E-Pill in to make it a Trans Porn-star Martini.

i have an exam in two hours and i don't wanna

Everyone ships Thorin Oakenshield and Bilbo, but if you read the Hobbit, it's Balin and Bilbo who have the relationship. Balin is the one Bilbo surprises on lookout duty after he gets the ring. Balin is the only dwarf who comes into the tunnel in the lonely mountain with him when Bilbo sneaks in and meets Smaug.

>I don't have any breast growth
>wow my chest sure is bouncing a lot going up/down stairs

::: spoiler Body changes (positive) My skin has been sooooooo soft lately, I love it so much and can't stop touching it. Also, my nipples have become more sensitive, and a little itchy, annoying, but they might be starting to grow a little? It's still going to take a while for it to be noticeable, though. :::

Did a real nice hike through the snowy woods today. Fell down multiple times (my left arm muscles got stretched). Rolled my ankles again and again. Feet hurt so badly cause I was wearing high heel boots. In order to get through it I had to chant "pain is pleasure" 100 times.

All in all, 9/10 experience. Would recommend.

::: spoiler horny

Would be 10/10 experience if I was dragged around on a leash by someone who kept pushing me around and forced me to hurt + strip myself in the snow where no one could help me.

:::

I wish I could truly believe that passing didn’t matter

I think I am noticing the weekly cycle now, I get way more cry-y at the end of my injection cycle. I'm only doing 4mg Een but I have been crying constantly. Same last week and I think the week before. At least I think thats whats happening

Some people say they get more bisexual after transition. I'm only getting more lesbian.

Had a big fat cry and I feel so fucking good holy shit, first cry of the year the floodgates are low now. Despite the past having pains the the future being uncertain I'm glad still to be alive.

i really really wish i looked more androgenous. I hate how people think they know me from what they see, but equally i do not wish to submit for their verification or dance for their amusement and least of all hide for their comfort. this flu is kicking my ass i feel like i am in a claymation special

::: spoiler sex talk Spent some time with a friend who will almost certainly be the last person I use my gock with before surgery unless I pick someone up randomly (probably not, I would rather work some OT instead lol)

Checked off the last of my boxes I wanted before I get a vagina while Im stuck with her in this form. As ever, sex was on the whole great and all but it does feel like its missing something critical and Im not totally satisfied. There were a lot of years where I had no idea what that could be, but after transitioning it was pretty easy to figure out - yeah its just bottom dysphoria. Im glad I bought my strap and harness well before because it did confirm that I didnt care about the difference between it being my flesh or silicone. I am looking forward to using it the way that'll feel right instead of this very uneasy alliance I have with her now.

Does suck that Im doomed to be celibate now for so long wtf whyyyyy, the crosses I must bear to have vaginoplasty 😩 :::

New trans goal: literally be sparkling with happiness

Today was a good day. Saw all my favorite work peeps today, and got to hang out one on one with two of them I'm out to. Which was very nice.

Still have been on the verge of tears all day and idk why :cri I guess just E.

It is frustrating to me how awkward and unsure I feel about how to talk with people about it, what to talk about, I don't know if that makes sense.

Its funny to me how many of the people I like don't like each other. The two people I got to spend time with today and was super excited about don't like each other. (idk if this comes across the right way) I kinda wonder if I get along with kinda unlikeable people, or at least like people that others struggle to get along with.

Thinking that I need to pay for a voice trainer, thatd both go smoother and Id actually be able to show up for that instead of trying to self train and having all sorts of mental stuff get in the way. Not sure where to begin, is there any advice from yall or is it something pretty straightforward? Still intimidated and have to figure out getting the money for it.

My mother has called my blahaj "he" and my immediate internal reaction was "that's wrong" and I'm wondering on the implications of that.

ⓘ This user is suspected of being a cat. Please report any suspicious behavior.

Getting a haircut and going to try for something a little more feminine. Pray for me

::: spoiler venting about socializing

Meeting people is a pain in the ass. Local groups are very quiet coming back from the holidays, I hope there are more meetups but we'll see. Dating apps are full of cis straight people and people in non-monogamous relationships, so it's become a game of how many times I can swipe left before I give up for the day.

School is anxiety inducing. I can make conversation, but it's like I'm always waiting for a sign that people want to engage. I've posted ad nauseum in the past about being 30 and surrounded by people generally 5-7 years younger.

I get that I'm a weird gay aunt of sorts to these commendable young people, I just wish I were part of a gaggle of 30 year olds instead of alone. Seeing the kids just makes me think about when I was a boy, with a girlfriend, and a friend group who like, asked about each other and cared about each other's daily experiences.

I just want femme friends I can be my authentic self around. Just one relationship where being me is actively encouraged.

Gonna go listen to asmr or read some sapphic shit or something. Or listen to wicked again :::

Some guy started a conversation with me, stared down at my tits for a solid 2-3 seconds mid-convo just kept talking like no big deal, and then resumed eye contact like that didn't just fucking happen. I'm used to covert glances and quick peeks but this is a new level of audacity for me.

My therapist asked me if I'd like her to start using she/her pronouns for me and I just about melted into a puddle of happy goo

I'm covered in so many scars you'd think I worked somewhere dangerous or I'm like an antifa supersolider but no, I'm just a clumsy girl with inattentive ADHD

Girls r so cool

down with cis

::: spoiler dysphoria, venting Went out with a family member who really likes me but does not know me well. I was dressed very flamboyantly, feeling in my power. I am not out, partially because I don't feel certain.

They sir'd me over and over again, almost like some people have a filler word ("um, " "uh, " "so, " etc.). Every time it happened I felt so invisible and small. I was looking forward to seeing them but ended up dissociating through most of the night. They also made a joke about me only shaving once a week even though I shave every day. I put a lot of effort into my appearance.

I dunno, I typically don't willingly spend time with people who call attention to gender all the time. Maybe I should force myself to do that a little more to figure out my dysphoria a bit. I mostly experience body dysphoria, but clearly there's more to this.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk. Any insight appreciated, as always 💜 :::

Going to the store for hair product, then might fuck around and shave my legs??

Also any experiences with IPL devices? I'd like to start addressing the actual growth process but laser/electrolysis are a bit pricey for me atm and epilating would apparently be really bad for my keratosis pilaris

Found a dark souls manosphere channel and the urge to bring that slop is strong, it's the usual fare of porn bad never goon but with dark souls. Eh I know the deal and I know even ironically watching this drivel is bad but the urge to fucking strong

Had a great hangout/party last night with folks from our LGBT social/gaming club. Just chilling at our place (mine and my gf's) after the club ended, in part because the hours for the library we met at got cut and we probably need to find a new locale if we are going to have decent length meetings. Unfortunately, I did drink way too much and I am paying for it dearly this morning. One of our friends is going through some trouble (not abuse or anything, just some emotional conflict) with his boyfriend, so there was a lot of discussion that went deep. I got to go off a bit about Marxist social reproduction theory and how it related to patriarchy and trans folks, which was fun but I hope I didn't mangle it because I was fucking sloshed.

I was also reminded that one of my friends works at a craft/hobby store (not Hobby Lobby) so that means that we can find a time to go on a shopping trip so I can use his employee discount to buy some supplies I need for my diy punk/goth/alt fashion projects.

Wearing form fitting clothing has given me power over tech, got a huge huge discount for some dish soap just now I'm beyond swaying just biology now technology falls victim to my good looks

Dad is now talking about not moving. I guess we will know more next week. I could cry. So now I might need to stay in this shithole red state instead of moving to one of my top picks for states. I don't know how expensive moving would be if I'm paying for it myself, plus no safety net while I find another job. I'm devastated. The move has been the thing keeping me going lately. I know a trans person who made the move we were hoping to and described it as "night and day". I'm just crushed. I also don't even know how long I can live at home closeted anyway. So who knows how long that safety net will even be there.

:::spoiler heated rivalry spoilers

The buildup of tension from the side characters culminating into coming out in a public setting with thousands of eyes on you as you embrace and kiss your gay lover... And then the reaction from the main closeted couple as they realize they too can do anything, "I want to go to the cabin" 👏 truly a feast for lovers of lovers. :::

Trans trans trans

Went through the weekday spoilers one by one even after seeing Tuesday didn't have anything

There was a time where I was into self-cest. Wouldn't you be your own perfect partner? You knew yourself very well. You would be kind to yourself and would never betray yourself.

But then the more I thought about it, the more I wondered. If I had a clone, what was the chance that I would try to kill my clone? It was non-zero. After all, the clone knew my secrets. My weaknesses. They would have the same thoughts about the clone being a danger. "What if the clone is thinking of killing me? Shouldn't I kill it first?"

It is then I realised that I'd been reading too many novels and exotic eroticas.

The shameful withered sunflower looks away from the bright sun. A metaphor for ... something.

Another emergency at my work today. Been happening a lot. Idk if it's because of all my other stress on top but I haven't been happy with my performance. Also person I'm out to volunteered me to go search the men's locker room for shoes (I always use the single stall). That's nice. I love being male. Now I'm in the bathroom crying. Not even the locker room thing just fuck my life in general. Cw.

So obviously my trans Guy Gardner cosplay is going to be named Gal Gardner, but what do I do with Jay Garrick? Is she a Jane or a Joy?

Never done a cosplay event before but I look fucking adorable and I can't wait.

Finally painted my nails again, feels good but without any vegan top coat they'll last a week at most

I love Paizo and Pathfinder is way cooler than DND.

This is from the PF2E remaster. The different levels of elixir just change how frequently you have to dose, and the strongest one makes the transition a bit faster.

My alchemist brews her own estrogen now.

I spent all day crying at movies... It was... A lot... Ams exhausted... Arf,,,, but a friend showed me how to write my name in arabic script and thats cool; Its been on my list of languages to learn for a while.

Got dolled up today, but not getting the same euphoria as I did last time 😮‍💨 Not being dysphoric is still a plus, though. Yesterday I tried presenting masc and could not look at myself in the mirror, so there goes that, I guess 😬

Shopping vent

::: spoiler spoiler My order from Killstar came in, and I just want to say that I was incredibly disappointed. Everything looked unflattering and visably cheap, and several items were incredibly uncomfortable. I wish I had read more reviews before putting in an order. Going to return everything and use the refund for thrifting and diy supplies instead. :::

3 months hrt

::: spoiler spoiler Nipples hurt on and off, seemingly when I'm horny more so? Which I didn't expect tbf. And some other sex changes that feel weird for me to talk about. idrk what else I was expecting, I also avoid mirrors/looking at myself as much as possible so would I even see changes :::

can 100% vouch for the "Pretty yourself up just to laze about the house." activity

feelin real nice and i look amazinggg

::: spoiler sexual urges from an asexual pov being gray ace makes me feel cognitive dissonance comparable to gender dysphoria. like, i don’t feel sexual attraction. i don’t want sex. the idea of a sexual relationship mortifies me.

then why does my body randomly decide to feel horny? why do i have to go through the motions to satisfy a desire that i don’t actually want?

why can’t my brain and my body get along grhhhhhhhh :::

::: spoiler spoiler Feel like shit. ofc. god I just wish this was different. Fuck me. Wtf do I do. I hate this. I don't want to keep suffering like this. I'm too broken. I want peace :::

The joy of being seen as a 30-something stubbly male with a career to navigate when you'd rather be spoken to like you're a 12 year old girl. Or be treated like someone's dog

::: spoiler spoiler Holy fuck it all hurts so bad. Why do I have to go in to work today. I don't want to do anything let alone that. Fucking fuck I'm tired of this. Of feeling so dysphoric. Of everything. And nothing helps, nothing can help. I dont want to live in suffering :::

Samurai jack fucking rules

Prawn bots in my dms calling me sweetheart, like bro you can’t just spring that on me without dinner first…

::: spoiler bottom surgery stuff and horny I have a couple more days before surgery!!

I finally got to try the clone a dick thing. I had to get more alginate powder. I dunno what was going on, I think I was literally too thick??? Anyway got one semi successful cast of my gock. :::

Laser clinic wants >150 euros per session for lasering my face. They predict 8 or more sessions. I don't know who they think I am that I could possibly afford this.

I keep writing and deleting these long fire-and-brimstone comments. Odd considering nobody cares lmao

::: spoiler cw death If you had a million questions and nobody who seemed like a safe person or a reliable person to ask, what would you do?

If you felt like dying and had nobody and nothing to hold you back, challenge those thoughts, affirm something, what would you do?

• You have no friends? Go to a meetup.
• No meetups? Try posting online!
• Nobody responding online? Talk to a friend!
• You have no friends? Go to a meetup-

I've explained why none of that is working right now. Local groups are silent, dating apps are all straight people and polyamorous relationships. I'm just waiting for class to start so I can go back to being terrified of the pretty little 22 year olds.

I seem to want to a type of relationship that hasn't existed since the Industrial Revolution, wherein you are a direct apprentice to someone regarded as having some expertise. I am a novice at femininity and would love to, like, be under someone's wing. Like, I would be such a good student. My God.

Times like this make me want to just throw on a dress and bright red lipstick and go full femme and get shitfaced at a dive bar. Just like, see what happens. Could it be worse? Would even that matter to anyone?

Ending this comment by affirming to myself that I can not expect anyone to reply, or help me, or care. This has been done to manage my own sanity :::

Was chatting with 3 cis lady friends over alcohol free prosecco at an event, one brought up how worried they were about becoming their mother, another agreed and commiserated, I bided my time, as the conversation slowed I simply added "I tried so hard not to be my father, that I guess I turned into my mother", absolute spit takes from everyone.

3 months on hrt. Horny et. al. ::: spoiler spoiler

I keep getting hornier, like I just saw a painting and had to stop looking at it.... Which is kind of nice because it feels different now. Better. So long as I can avoid the bottom dysphoria in the process! And like... wtf is this maternal instinct stuff? Cat kneads boob? MUST HAVE BABIES! BREASTFEEDING! I never had any drive to have kids. I still don't actually want any but like wth?

:::

Found this nice durable black leather belt at a thrift store (1.5 in wide). I was able to use it to make some bracelets/armlets that I am going to add spikes to, and I almost removed the buckle from the remainder before I realized that it was long enough to make a chunky choker for me as well. For the bracelets, I have some 15 mm spikes on order (I only had 20 when I need 32), and I am trying to find a good design for the choker hardware. I could just use two rows of 25 mm long spikes, but I was also think of adding some d-rings/o-rings and chain/charms.

I made pretzels and for once they came out alright (pretzels are somewhat tricky to make).

How is the progress on my new trans goal of being happy enough to sparkle going?

::: spoiler self-harm

I did self-harm (choking myself hard with a rope) and now I feel wierd in my neck region. Idk if this is just a placebo nocebo. I can try again with a longer duration to test it

This isnt something I should be joking about. :::

Pretty sure I'm just too depressed/miserable/dont have the energy for friends etc atp. So that sucks.

I was just grumbling about some washed out black jeans in my closet, and then I realized that I can just re-dye them black, and re-dye washed out jeans that I thrift black as well. Of course, I think the big issue is that I live in an apartment without a washing machine, so trying to dye and rinse them without staining anything else would take a lot of careful effort.

This is kinda related to a big thrifting trip that I'm planning when I am driving to a nearby city for my laser appointment (was cheaper to do it there and make the commute than to do it local). There are 7 stores that I want to hit, including one that supports an animal shelter which I suspect will have some interesting finds.

Wait, what did I study electrical engineering for if I can't make my own laser hair removal device? I might actually try this, but that'd be like a whole summer project

I read books and litsen to music in order to make life tolerable. But then I get sick of them after a while. What do I do then?

Go touch grass? Shit's frozen.

Go touch other people? Rude!

Go touch food? Ugh, how much can I eat?

Go touch the kettle bell? I just stuffed my belly, you silly person!

Go touch the bed? Sounds like a good idea ...

::: spoiler weight loss Idk I'm trying to grapple with it, I'm used to always wearing a size larger shirt but if I wear the size I'm supposed to I just see too much of myself and it bums me out not being leaner. I know it's a matter of time now that I've given up on treats this year I'll just have to push through this weight I'm at isn't sustainable as I get older.

I got a card taking about how Medicaid wasn't gonna cover weight loss drugs no more, I didn't use them so kinda moot but it's what the rest of the letter was suggesting that got me thinking. The safety net is getting cut more and more it's on me to look after my own health. Gotta eat better work out and rest right if I wanna see a better future :::

My time for the mega is coming up and it's like way way faster than I thought. I'll still try to spend some time making something I'm passionate about but the weirdly passionate thing I'm obsessed with might have to wait for another mega if I can't find proper sources. If I end up citing myself or a dream then you all will have to just accept that

watching Wicked and identifying deeply with a different character every single time

I've felt so exhausted and tired today, even though I got good sleep the last two nights. Just exhausted in general lately.

genderfluid flag loki

Been staring up all day like Yakuza 3 EU cover all day because I was sleepy and now in bed with cat on lap I can sleep

Looking back at older photos before transitioning, and because of dysphoria I didn't realise this at the time, but I was actually pretty handsome as a guy.

riddle me this:

why do i have 8 subscribers on my youtube account with no videos?

ordered some new paints for a minis kit I'll (hopefully) be starting on soon, and they legit sent me 6x what I ordered. like they just charged me for 1 of everything but sent me 6. it's nice to have all of this primer but I have no idea what I'm gonna do with so much green ^_^;

Im biting the bullet (no pun intended) and buying the materials I need to get my .22 back into working condition (and then some lol). I got it back in '20, shot it a couple of times, tinkered with it a little, and a teensy weensy itty bitty lifechanging emotional event occurred and I kinda forgot about it amidst the whole "I gotta unfuck myself also I'm transitioning" thing that followed. Replacing the sights on a traditional style rifle is like... hard because it involves hand fitting and math that is extremely poorly explained and so the ones I put onto the rifle were totally off and unusable in conjunction with a scope rail. I think I did the math right this time. I thought about glass bedding the thing but I think that will have to wait for later.

Also I'm dyeing the wood blue, just for fun.

Serial Experiments in getting Laid

So exhausted today. Didn't sleep enough and then ran all over the place.

Woo new mega!

::: spoiler Misgendering, drama in LGBT spaces (not super heavy though).

Went to the local gay/LGBT bar last night for a bit. My gf wore a skirt and tights going out, which was their first time doing that at the bar. She had worn a skirt to work before, but this was the first time doing it in "public" I supposed. Overall, it was pretty chill. The bar itself is kinda lame (the drinks suck), but there were friends there so was fun to hang out and connect. Sunday is their drag open stage, so that was also fun, although there was a bit of drama. Apparently, one of the drag kings is a conservative, and heard that they were being bad-mouthed for being a conservative and confronted my trans masc friend there (also the drag king is friends with the trans masc's mom who he still lives with, so yeah). I chatted a bit with one of my other trans masc friends whose style I am so jealous of, but he was pretty impressed that I did leatherwork (my gf showed off their spiked collar I made for them), so I hope the feeling is mutual. I can't wait to finish up some pieces this week and get longer laces for my knee-highs so I can debut a killer outfit next weekend.

A negative thing that happened, was my gf did get misgendered by the bartender incidentally, and I feel guilty since I kinda forgot to check in with them about it. I think that it was corrected/resolved, but I need to reach out and make sure they're okay. :::

Reading the lyrics to machine gun kiss and just fantasizing for like an hour afterwards bonus points for it being the shinada version. I'm not gonna say I don't sometimes romanticize romance a lot but damn

I consider myself somewhat of a graphical designer because making circuit layouts requires fucking pixel perfect attention to detail. This whole colorful diagram will literally be sprayed like metal paint onto a silicon canvas.

Next Warsails character I think is a Vlandian (Norman) Mercenary Pirate who is a trans man.

asa mitaka is my best friend irl actually

I met my love by the gas works croft

Dreamed a dream by the old canal

Kissed my girl by the factory wall

Dirty old town, dirty old town