My sister in law is getting fired from their C-suite in a few months, and I can't stop laughing. She's been responsible for thousands of people there losing their jobs in the interest of quarterly profits, and suddenly thinks it's unfair when it happens to her. She's one of the most sickeningly pro-capitalist workers I've ever met. Everything she talks about is either money or status.

Make sure your tickets are critical path this estimate is too long I cant present that to 17 layers of heirarchy can you get it done in a week we need to meet our goals for end of year performance review wowowow work 25 hour days every day forever to deliver nothing of value to nobody and it doesnt even make the business any money wowowowowo wowweeee i love my job im so engaged in this meeting wowowow my office attendance is so high

one time I went to an afternoon work training/presentation organized by PMs where we watched a video called "measuring what matters" which was the most unbelievably vapid business shit you've ever heard of in your life. At the end a PM was like "and we will send you a summary email including a link to this video if you want to watch it again!" and I looked him right in the eye from the audience and shook my head; his face actually fell

don't forget to move your tickets on the kanban board after completing them 🙂

no gods no sprint masters

That's it. I won't stand for this slander.

I'm Hexbear's agile coach now and I'm going to put the organize in "Organize!"

• All posts must directly link to a user story and be approved by the scrum master and product owner
• every news mega needs to culminate in a retrospective, where we determine what news was actually important the past week and discuss what news will be important next week
• critical stakeholders need to keep holding their stakes in case of vampires
• users are reminded to conduct all chatting in the main mega thread for easy reference later
• if a wild appears, notify your scrum master so they can reprioritize the sprint before you start dunking
• planning strip poker is mandatory
• the best effort post is the own that gets posted, let's all focus on minimum viable posts. We can dig deeper in the comments.

You know what's great? Watching an org with little to no project management discipline of any sort try repeatedly to "implement Agile" by moving all workflows into Azure DevOps. (First of all, a quick aside: I despise the name of that tool because it has fuck all to do with the practice of, you know, DevOps.) There's no gatekeeper watching the inbound defect tickets to make sure end users aren't just entering random gibberish and assigning it to their favorite pet developer, so there's this massive backlog of tickets that are basically "our form is broken, we need things to make it go" and all of them are assigned to the wrong dev team.

Does that stop the army of middle managers from building timelines and stats based on those tickets with completely fabricated estimates? You bet your ass it doesn't.

Mr. Xi, please send the nukes.

Bring back kanban boards made out of post it notes and a wall with tape on it.

Oh shit oh fuck im gonna BIG ROOM PLANNING AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. MY TICKETS ARE REFINED OH THEYRE SO REFINED THEYRE READY FOR IN PROGRESS AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Oooh im dog fooding ooh my yak is shaved its so smooth my yak wow omg lets loop around the bush and fondle this over review meeting wow

You don't want to reference this business critical confluence page that was last updated in 2019 and references tech stacks we don't use?

You can do how my team does where we have Jira but my manager instead takes adhoc requirement calls without taking notes or creating a ticket and tells us "work on this part" then forgets a week later and ask "what are you working on?"