HELLO THIS IS THE MEGA SIGN UP POST/LIST POST

if you have a preferred week please tell me

Eco* (12/1 - 12/7)
oscardejarjayes* (12/8 - 12/14)
Shaleesh* (12/15 - 12/21)
SwitchyandWitchy* (12/22 - 12/28)
peanutbuttercupola* (12/29 - 1/4)
Wmill* (1/5 - 1/11)
Alisu* (1/12 - 1/18)
Disaster_of_Passion* (1/19 - 1/25)

​ * after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters

Also I'm going to dinner with a few coworkers tonight. All four of us are some flavor of trans or nb but two of us haven't told one of the others yet, so I have to wonder if she has any clue what this is about... But then again she sits just over from my cubicle and I'm not always subtle when I talk about it with my deskmate so perhaps she suspects. We'll find out!

unfriendly reminder that "dude" "man" "guy" etc arent gender neutral, fuck you

I've moved into the new place!!! I get to sleep in a place of my own omg. I have a rooooooom with a spot for my computer and a windowwwwwww and I get to go for walks like I used to ughfjsoajdiskdbeodnxn

cis ppl should consider loving us while were alive instead of posting platitudes once we arent

It's so swag to be going through my day and knowing the E in my body is reaching heretofore unseen levels

back in my cis days i could never imagine taking a nude selfie of any of my body parts, but these days i do be takin quite a few pics and sendin em around to consenting individuals ofc

24 hours later the tits remain hidden. I was kinda surprised as at one point I didn't have any clean clothes so I was just wearing my mom's bathrobe and I thought they looked kinda obvious? But nope

Although oddly enough there was another close call where she wanted some of my extra semaglutide syringes to use for my dog's insulin injections. Only I didn't have that many left over because I haven't ordered in a while and I told her so. Then she asked me if I was doing drugs or something because apparently I was acting cagey?? Of course I, the recently injected with estradiol "boy", said no.

It's gonna be tough when I move, I'll need to make sure they don't run into my makeup or HRT. I might ask a friend to hold on to it for a couple days...

some days i wonder if biggs clocked me as an egg

Transgender, they could never make me hate you.

Being beautiful (some of the time, at least), and loving myself is so cool.

I'm gonna get even hotter just to mog all the cissies. Cissies literally can't be as hot as me, I am a Goddess who has overcome all their little rules, they literally can't compete

I keep losing my health insurance and having to reapply every 2 months. I haven’t had new T vials for months (using old ones, I’ve officially ran out as of last week) and I haven’t been able to take my antidepressants nor my adhd medication regularly. I got approved again on November 3rd… but have to wait till December 1st for it to even fucking activate. I wish I didn’t have all this mental shit and didnt have to rely on pills to function. Being human sucks bruh I did not ask for this shit! And ESO just crashed while I was waiting for a world boss to spawn I’m gonna crash out 😔😔

I fucken hate cars

reminder diet culture is a form of fascism

(diet culture doesnt just mean “being on a diet” for some personal reason. diet culture is the societal idea that everyone should be striving for "physical perfection" at all times. its that thing where nearly everyone is on a diet or told they should be)

she's using high speed rail and is trainposting again, it's so adorable how passionate she gets about her special interests

I love all of you

Yelling, "BEGONE, FOUL DEMONS!" like a TV preacher while I do my HRT injections

You can lead a trans woman to estrogen but you can't make her inject it! Sad!!

Would the USSR still be around if Stalin took estrogen? Discuss

Now that I have my bottom surgery date, I have to like work a lot of OT because my short term benefits only cover 67% of my paycheck. Bleh. I have enough sick time and banked time to cover 1 month at full pay which is great and all but whatever. I dunno how people manage this without benefits, I guess they save up more

Latest blood test results are in, my levels are perfect! Sweet spot estrogen at 162 ng/L (at least that seems perfect according to various recommended levels I've averaged together), and nuked testosterone at 0.22 ng/mL.

And all that with just E gel and a prog pill, no injections

Imagine a gaslighter transitioning

"What, are you crazy? I've always been a girl, you just didn't notice ..."

Down with cis

in spirit of thanksgiving, give land back, support indigenous peoples everywhere and fuck colonialism

:::spoiler anti-transmasculinity anti-non binary

there's a sort of cis approval or head nod ( 😠) when they think my feminine expression is just an ontological part of my so called "binary sex" like "Ah yes see ur a girl clearly 😏" but then also disapproval and confusion, they cant quite parse me and how I act (its the trans masculinity and non binary femininity,) but they dont want me to be too feminine. They want me to be the sort of "girl" who takes charge and bosses "her man" around to do things I "cant" do, like open a jar of pickles. And the cis women are like 😩 why dont you ask a man to do it. And then she opens the jar herself lol. Like the rules are MADE UP!!!

:::

Hearing the high hopes song at the pharmacy and trying my hardest to be a normal person just give me my flu shot please

Dude I have like 0 ass. 2026 is gonna be the year of the squat

I had a great time with my work friends!! We got pizza and talked and I was so animated I felt like a real human. I didn't actually disclose the whole trans thing to the one who didn't know. But next time we go out together I'm gonna lay all my cards out on the table right at the beginning. Hell maybe before that, I kinda wanna ask her if she does injections or not

What the fuck is this shit, T? Im a fucking girl but Im born with a fuckin penis?? Get the fuck outta here

The doctor confirmed my initial dosage of the cypionate was 1.25mg because apparently it's stronger than the valerate, but that doesn't seem true according to either estrannai.se or https://transfemscience.org/misc/injectable-e2-simulator/? (to be clear I'm on the valerate now, I was only prescribed the cypionate briefly before I saw the low dosage and asked her to switch "because of the expense")

I know I'm beating a dead horse with this but I still almost can't believe it. Is there any good reason for her to say that?

wtf??? my boobs are growing again. im old as shit leave me alone

hrt is wild its been fucking forever since i started

"this assembly requires TWO PEOPLE"

skill issue, assembly completed by one (1) sleep deprived disaster lesbian without complication

::: spoiler horny Can't believe she was never fucked while tied up before wtf, shes such a rope bunny :::

In honor of Thanksgiving, I'm not giving a fuck and going to hike up a mountain

I know I talk a lot about my struggling. It is just so constant and painful it is basically all that matters to me anymore. It feels like it has consumed me. And on top of that, I can't usually talk about it. Thank you all for still supporting me

Man I’m super struggling with my loneliness and the fact I haven’t had a friend in years, since about junior year in highschool.

I’m turning 21 in January and I feel like I’m so behind. My brother is only a year older than me and has so many friends he actually is close to, not just acquaintances, he’s planning a ski trip to Colorado with a group of friends and plays video games all the time with others and goes to parties and I struggle so much with comparing myself to him. He was talking about his plans and friends yesterday, and he just got a really really good job in realty, at just 22, when we went to my moms for thanksgiving and I think that’s what brought this feeling on. I have a hard time giving myself grace with the fact that being trans and having adhd and ocd has made my development hard because he’s also adhd and ftm, although Im stealth and he’s open.

My parents are also very extroverted and I’m just so sad I’m the only member of my family who is super shy and can’t even begin to understand how to approach talking to someone. I have brain fog all the time and can never think of funny or interesting replies in conversations unless I’m really familiar with them. With my family I’m funny (I know because they’ve always told me lol) and smart but with everyone else I’m so fucking boring. I’ve been working for a year and a half and hav even going to college since fall and I feel like I haven’t made a dent in my social skills. I always feel so aware and I hate it.

I’m just really struggling with this feeling of horrible loneliness, and it makes me so sad to see everyone else living how I want to live. I just don’t know how to start. I’m moving to Chicago late next year when I’ve finally saved 10k and I hope it helps to give me a reset, I feel so stagnant here.

I like me and I don’t want to fundamentally change myself, but I wish I could make friends and be more outgoing but that feels so not me. I love extroverts and want to have extroverted friends but I can’t imagine attracting those types because I’m so stoic and take a while to open up.

Idk. I just feel pathetic. I’m nearly 21 still working in food service, living with my parent, 0 friends, depressed, struggling with even turning assignments in on time, and it’s also hard being gay in a small Midwest town.

Sorry for the long ass rant

Im gonna get bottom surgery soon (a couple months). After that is maybe FFS. Ive been doing voice training over the last couple months with a professional and Im pretty close to where I wanna be. Im pretty happy with what hormones have done and if they stop changing here I'll be pretty satisfied. All my documents are changed, all my legal stuff is changed.

Its weird to think that all the big check marks I wanted for transition will be "finished." The next thing and the next thing and the next thing have been like a north star for me for the last 5 years. Ive never thought of it as something that can be done rather than an ongoing process... and yet I suppose all that was finite and there would be a time where there's just not anymore milestones to pass and after this is just, life.

::: spoiler body stuff, positive Think I'm feeling some breast buds already- they're harder and closer to the skin then I thought they'd be. Its like a damn rock in there. Also my skin feels smoother/thinner.

Point of no return?? :::

Up with trans

Estrogen is insane tbh. My taste has changed severely. I am positively addicted to chilli. I can't stand a good number of the foods I used to eat because they aren't spicy enough.

And I also have developed a craving and hatred for sugar. I need sugar. I yearn for sugar. But if you put it in my food I hate it. I hate even the sweetness of vegetables now!

However, if the sugar is in the form of a dessert, I like it. How bizzare.

bit idea: telling everyone i'm detransitioning into an HRT femboy and then changing literally nothing about myself

friends messaging you when they think youre asleep >>>>> almost anything else

what, next you gonna say you care about me? that you respect my needs and boundaries? that you will also put effort into the relationship and not just disappear if i dont message you??? hmph, thats what i thought. /silly

::: spoiler family shit it was probably too much to ask to for a family thanksgiving that didn't leave me so broken that I just spend the entire night locking myself in the bathroom laying on the floor crying, like it's probably on me for ever assuming a cis person could actually be safe let alone multiple, but it still really fucking sucks getting the stark reminder they're not. :::

Every time I look at girls I'm like "waow, I want to have boobs"

Probably getting kicked out.

Bit idea: referring to my egg crack and subsequent coming out as my heteroectomy

Hey friends, been a long time since I last posted here 💜

I'm in need of some help, I have a friend who is looking to start HRT in the American south (Louisiana) but they're too afraid to start with DIY. Does anyone have any resources/direction on how things work down there? Thank you!

So how do you make new friends as a trans woman, when you don't already have an established friend group?

I am not American but I work with a bunch of them so yesterday and today and tomorrow is just trying desperately to find something to do to look busy at work and it's exhausting

::: spoiler my family's politics god I forget how fucking racist they are. Mostly my dad and sister. Just gross. Also obviously reminds me of how chudish they are even if they're normal more "normal". Can't wait to come out to these people.

god I have got to figure out how to get out of here when we move :::

::: spoiler SA

Since I can't afford a therapist, I'll say this on hexbear. Not that it helps tbh. I'm just lost.

I think I was SA'd by my father when I was a child. I have a memory if it, but I don't really trust my memories. It's not really implausible, since my parents definitely beat me a lot. And they still consider me to be their property. But still, I just find the idea horrifying. The memory should stay repressed.

Now, if the situation was true, then I guess it'd explain a lot of things about me. It'd explain why I am so reluctant to express affection for my parents. Why sexual interactions have always felt icky in a way. Why my kinks are so unhinged.

But then where does that leave me. Great, I can explain my behaviour better. Now what? Nothing about my life is fixed. I'm still a miserable sack of shit, hoping that I can get ADHD medicine someday and that it will fix my productivity so that I can train myself to be a better wage slave.

:::

::: spoiler completely off topic rambling into the void about card game and my room mates I kind of can't fathom how anyone enjoys Magic: The Gathering. I know this to be a function of the people I play with, but it's affecting how I see the game as a whole.

Some guy a while ago taught me how to play and gave me one of his decks to keep. He was very sweet and is actually one of the very first people to ever gender me correctly without me having to ask. I'd kept this deck and never really used it until I got here. The room mates play a lot, so I pulled out the deck. I got absolutely sweeped, but it was okay I guess. They let me borrow some of their decks to try and it was okay I guess. They were stronger than my decks and I won a couple times, and it was okay. The thing that gets me is they seem to be almost entirely motivated by making decks designed to piss each other off.

I went to a couple cars shops with them just to look around. And I was shocked at how many times one of them would find a card and say "oooooooo meler come look at this. Dont show [friend] it'll make them sooooo mad. I'm getting it."

After that I realized just how much of every single one of them playing this game just loves to make playing the game as not fun as possible for everyone else. Why? Why even play the game at that point?

I went through the bulk at one of the card shops cause apparently that shit so cheap they give it away for free if you don't take too much. I grabbed 10 cards I liked to go in that one deck the guy gave me. Just swapped out some of the worse cards and kept an eye on the mana costs. And I just played a game with it. And I think I got super lucky, cause I won, and it wasn't even close. But now they're down there theory crafting together a deck designed to completely counter my deck so bad that I'll never want to use the deck again. And it's like. That's my one deck. I'm not spending any money on this god damn game.

They simultaneously practically beg me to play with them, but want to make my one deck completely unusable just because I beat them once with it. Fuck this. :::

every time i look in the mirror i see a woman

which is nice because that's what I wanted out of HRT but also very strange because i've spent the vast majority of my life not looking like a woman and that's unusual to see that's changed

Currently freaking the fuck out

Apparently while I survived black Friday a customer got so upset they went around stealing a valve stem cover from every workers' car, including mine, this led to many people coming in today to depend on relatives or uber since there was a major winter storm last night.

Built this tonight, took about 2 hours with breaks. Honestly don't remember what this kind of ship is. Doesn't give the piece count, steps are crammed together as close as possible for fewer pages and the art is the shittiest, lowest quality jpg they could find but it still had printed pieces! No stickers! Honestly fucking hate stickers, they never seem to go on perfect.

reminder puberty blockers are a shitty compromise

hrt for all!! :3

me drinking out of the shittiest paper straw on the planet while billionaires pump billions of tons of co2 into the atmosphere and create plastic products designed to fail

"ah yes, this will definitely save the environment"

::: spoiler mild kink mention there's some kind of grand irony in the fact that I got a headboard so that I would have something to be comfortably tied to, but it didn't have the right fittings so I had to tie it to my bedframe :::

I was such a cute kid. If I had known... But I didn't and I grew up to be the way I am

trying to wipe yesterday from my mind by getting all sweaty putting furniture together alone and repeatedly telling myself this is a very lesbian activity, overwhelmingly lesbian even

I felt at peace today! The voices in my head were silent. How wonderful.

Yesterday, I told my friend that I had fully given up on my goal of living a fulfilling college life. He seemed taken aback. He was expecting me to make my typical excuses of living far away.

Maybe I feel better now because of it? Why drag yourself down with unrealistic expectations?

It's when uncertainty and doubt creep up that I get tested with my worst habits I've been pruning away to see if I really did away from them. Very real possiblity I failed an HVAC test I went for and if that's the case so be it, I will not slip back to my old ways.

Yo how tf did I go from feeling so not cute yesterday to feeling as cute as I do today?

Failed one exam passed another, fair feeling like Ash season one. Still got a year to retake the one I failed so gonna study and save up. Gonna also apply for jobs on linkdin move my certificates there and see what I can get.

I still need to tell my family the results and get out of bed. I know they still love me and all but I'm just trying to pull myself together and not slip into a depression. I feel that I tried at all is a good sign and for only a couple months study falling short on the hardest test they offered wasn't so bad. Got that determination to keep studying and get a job

::: spoiler bottom surgery update 2 days after my orchi and i only feel the wound when i'm moving around too fast. The wound drain GTFO on its own tonight when we changed the dressings, but that wasn't a problem and there's been no bleeding since then. There's still some swelling, it seems massive to me but apparently is minimal according to the doctors who are very happy with the results. Seems that with some people, their hog swells to balloon size after an orchi, to the point where they can't walk, so i would say i'm doing fine.

I will get a pineapple enzyme against the swelling later. I've also been off the oxycodone for a day and will be switching from IV to oral metamizole and if that keeps working, i will be free from this annoying-ass needle in my hand. After that, all that is left is removing the catheter and seeing if i can pee on my own. :::

I keep saying my hair is the length I want it to be and then keep growing it out and realize I keep liking it longer. I think I'm right this time though haha

And can I just say good GOD I love the way it feels when I let my hair fall over my bare back and wave my head back and forth

::: spoiler spoiler Feel really shit today :doomjak: I can't think of much specific to say. This whole situation just sucks. ::: spoiler transphobia and dysphoria Really does all just come back to these two. I hate how I look. Nothing like a woman. Don't sound like one either. How everyone else views us. Just scroll and randomly find transphobia, even from other lgb people. No one really gets it. More suffering from how I look. Internal and how that makes me be perceived.

I hate this. Being trans sucks. Being dysphoric sucks. It's horrible. I feel horrible. ::: Thank fuck I found someone to cover part of my shifts today and tomorrow.

Staying at my mom's while the chemical treatment for bed bugs works. Playing the ever wonderful game of "can I hide these tits for 48 hours?"

I stabbed myself in the tummy today (injection) for the first time. The process went surprisingly well, if you ignore the fact I was terrified and became light-headed. And afterwards, I couldn't pull my pants up to tummy level.

::: spoiler horny was sitting around thinking about food when a random bout of overwhelming yearning and the two just kinda violently crashed into each other, so I'm gonna spend the rest of today daydreaming about a gal licking gooey melty cheese off my boobs I guess :::

this has been such a cursed autumn for me and all the folks in my community. i need a damn break. can we please be in january already?

the fact there are so many trans people that subscribe to trans medicalism confuses me so much. whats wrong with you???

::: spoiler The holidays cw: minor transphobia Mom suggested I wear more modest clothing to hide the fact that I have boobs during thanksgiving if some of the extended family came over because they'd probably be transphobic. Like, if its such a problem, why is that person even welcomed at my parents' place. >.>

Finally got around to telling my sister I don't want to be called an uncle.

Some people I've known from high school came over to our parents' place as well (my siblings friends). I hadn't seen them since they'd came over like half a decade ago, and it took me a second to recognize them but it was mostly contextual blindness (plus one of them had lost a ton of weight). But I found it cool that they didn't recognize me at first and even when they realized it might be me, they still doubted it was me despite it being my parent's home. :::

Gay dream bi dream idk but I feel like I got too many defenses up for me to enjoy dudes, had this dream where it was like "wouldn't it be funny if ripped dudes naked" and just staring at some buff dudes 👀 this different from the pansexual dreams I had before where it was more how they made me feel. Istg if playing so much Yakuza is doing this to me then idk

::: spoiler cw: flirting

it's going well :::

out to my family, but not to the world, so I’m putting up with a lot of “him/his” “man” “dude” these final couple months of 25. On one hand, I know that my presentation shouldn’t matter and I should insist on being gendered correctly regardless, but part of me thinks it’s unfair to ask my family to switch pronouns depending on whether it’s a private or public conversation. Does me letting misgendering slide now pave the way for future disrespect or a negative reaction when I do request that respect? Made it through the holiday without drinking tho so that’s nice 🙂

::: spoiler CW bottom surgery Recovery from my orchi is going well, the wound drain is supposed to come out tomorrow. Stitching looks good, too, that scar will likely be almost invisible. Pain is very manageable, i mean admittedly they give me a ton of free drugs lol. All of the staff is really friendly as well and half of the ward is actually trans patients. :::

I'm getting kicked out of my housing in mid-December. If there's anyone in Berlin who knows of an available apartment (lol) please let me know. I am an American, and my German isn't good but I'm doing my masters rn...

You ever try starting up Judith Butler's Gender troubles and you realize you don't actually know how words work after a while

::: spoiler maybe neither aromantic or alloromantic? I've always been so confused about what flavor of aromantic I am. I feel somewhere on the spectrum but it's been super hard for me to pinpoint where and how.

But I had a thought. What if I'm thinking about it in terms of the labels and English words available to me but in reality my experience is outside of the usual aromantic/alloromantic binary?

The distinction between alloromantic and aromantic people seems like it rests on the axiom that there is this thing called platonic love and this thing called romantic love. They're different feelings and some people feel the romantic kind for other people and some do not, and if they do feel it they either feel it for another person or they do not.

But to me it almost feels like romantic love and platonic love are fundamentally made of the same shit, like nothing really changes as far as the feeling in the brain is concerned. But that love might manifest in different ways for different people in how I want to demonstrate that feeling of love.

Maybe this is what people have meant all along with these distinctions and I'm just being overly semantic, but to me it doesn't feel accurate to categorize discrete categories of love. Everyone I keep in my life I love in a unique way and I kind of find that beautiful on its own. Maybe every once in a while I meet someone and the love manifests in a way that one might categorize as romantic love, and that's fine, but in my own personal brain experience it feels like as unique a love as the kind I have for anyone else.

I suppose all of this to say, I'm not sure I identify with either the alloromantic or aromantic labels, because that binary assumes a distinction that I'm not sure I experience :::

I like being myself, gonna try doing it more.

::: spoiler self harm?

I have this thing called "stupid b*tch syndrome". It is the condition where I'm doing something stupid. I know it's stupid. Yet, I continue to do it anyway.

Let me give you an example

Right now, I'm kinda starving myself. My head hurts and I feel light. My thoughts also feel slow ...

I have the option of eating something, or I can go to bed. It seems utterly ridiculous, but I think I'm going to go to sleep. Why am I staring at my screen instead of cooking something? Why am I posting? What the fuck am I doing?

:::

Probably gonna shave my face at night instead morning, having a good night ritual might do me good to get more sleep. Also going out with less rush would be nice

it’s actually fucked up that queer romance stories make my knees buckle now. being able to feel things, even against my will is the best and also the worst.

Are there more trans men than trans women??? Apparently in studies there's usually more but I swear to god I always thought it was a pretty even split

Ugh the 🥜 preservation facility fucked up my sample and forgot to do bloodwork so now I get to go back on a work day 🙃🔫

Day 2 post injection. Is it possible to be feeling distinctly different already vs pills or is it placebo? My emotions feel so much more... summonable is the word I would use.

And when I think about the fact that it's coursing through my body and stopping all the damage and making me a girl more second by second it's so reassuring. This was sooo the right decision how could I have ever wondered?

I don't want it to stop but I know how the valerate works. Maybe I'll inject every 5 days instead of 7.

John Madden

Why do I keep talking about the same book? Am I not reading anything else?

It's because reverend insanity is absolutely fucking massive. 2234 chapters. I've seen people say it's literally amongst the top 10 longest Web novels in modern Chinese history. And I believe it. This is one piece levels of long.

People online warn against making that into your first xianxia novel. You'll be happy to know it's my first xianxia novel.

Feeling good :)

Baldur's gate 3 is fun! What a shocking surprise, the game that everyone said is good turns out to be good.

My character is such a cutie patootie, I love them.

I really like being able to play as a non-binary nudist. I'm a big fan of the nudity in this game, how its just a fact of the world, and no one ever even acknowledges it. I'm playing a sorcerer so I can run around wearing only boots, gloves and a circlet and not face any disadvantage.

::: spoiler SA

I don't want to talk much about this topic. But why do I think so fondly of my father? Even if he didn't SA me, he definitely beat me a lot. And yet I like him much more than my mom. In fact, the person I have the second strongest attachment to is basically my father (just behind my little brother).

:::

I think I'm at peace with nobody really getting me. I used to think I could explain, but I'm not sure I believe anymore. As long as I can see my transition through, anything can happen after and anyone can misinterpret what they will.

Comfort in the smallness of it all. I'm glad our stories are just a blip.

This isn't meant to be sad.

I'm so glad it's getting colder

Is it okay to store my vials a bit on the cold side (low 60s)? My floor gets super cold and they are basically on the floor where they're stored rn. Probably a bit on the cautious side but I have a few years worth and want it to last that long. When I got it out the other day it felt super cold

I am the greatest pizza maker in the world

::: spoiler transphobia I'm watching this youtube video, right? And the host asks one of the guests what's a crazy fact people might not know about you. And then this guy goes on to misgender his trans sister and talk about how she's gotten "all" the surgeries and stuff. Like why tf is that your crazy fact about yourself, oh I know a trans! Nothing crazier then that! Let me just share all her personal shit with the world! In fact another guest says "Its going to be hard to top that!" (yes, yet another person chimes in with a sex joke). Why the fuck are we a "fun fact" to these people?? To just share our private medical shit online with everyone?? New worm unlocked, I would crash out so hard if my family used me as their "crazy fact" about themselves. Oh wow, that's crazy you have a "brother who turned into a sister"!!! What a crazy fact!!!

I HATE our perception and being viewed like this!! :::

We are so fucking back

this might be the only webbed site i can post this on and be understood but i just recently had a major major breakthrough wrt to my transition and everything else and it… feels like i created a dictatorship of the proletariat inside of me? like i actually decolonized my mind? have yall been through this?

::: spoiler dysphoria and negativity Super dysphoric and aware of myself lately. Hate it. Hate being in a mutilated male body ruined by T puberty. Why can't I just look like a woman. I hate this. Been at it forever and still can't feel anything but negativity and hatred towards being trans. It's just horrible. Why do I have to go through this. Why does this have to be me. Why has my body been permanently fucking ruined like this. I'm stuck in here forever. All this time and nothing has changed. Nothing is going to change. I can't accept this either. It's horrible.

Told myself I'd wait a year or two after starting hrt but that just sucks. I don't want another year or two of suffering. I hate suffering. I've been suffering for too long already and have no hope of it stopping. I had more hope before I realized I was trans. Now I know what the problem is and that it's not fixable. Fuck me and fuck this. I hate being trans. Why can't it stop. :::

Idc if my hair has that naturally messy look. I like it.

Meow

busses are just worse trams

Weird to me to hear people talking about their mood changing the day of/before injection but honestly today has been good, usually is (and I inject at night). Really can't feel it effecting my mood patterns

Folx be careful Big Phone is disguising 5G towers as trees, Trangender squared supersoldiers is what they want perhaps Transgender cubed even. If you're fine with your level then be aware when you're out touching grass.

Still haven't slipped up to my bad habits, just wish there was an end goal that I'm working towards instead of this or that thing that makes things difficult for me. One day I'll be happy cuz rn just ain't feeling it

developers who release dlc for an early access game should be banished to the shadowfell

::: spoiler dysphoria/self esteem asked to be left out of something I saw a draft version of. I originally did it hoping seeing myself in something I can be proud of would help, show myself its okay to have myself out there, but seeing the draft was really uncomfortable and so asked to be left out of the final version and now feeling really guilty that I'm not managing to be comfortable on some level with myself. guilty cause I do believe the compliments and reassurance I get but still cant face it, and really want to overcome that but dont know how :::

Boulevard Montmartre - Night by Camille Pissarro

Louis Armstrong - La vie en rose

Attended a work meeting remotely and spent most of it on mute shaving. Now I'm nice and smooth

Library internet down, no studying just reading rn. I got this book due next month on the 7th and I'm not even 100 pages in so locking in

idk if its just me but when I'm playing a game that's really hard (Celeste) I play in like 5 minute increments. I'm playing chapter 2's B side one screen at a time. I'd really like to get what I need to unlock the core but I'm too far invested in this B side now I have to finish it before moving to something else

::: spoiler spoiler Have felt kinda eh most of today but now I feel like I'm on the edge of tears- nothing specific I guess just the stress of everything. Really should shower and shave my arms again but bleh. Not sure if I can be bothered. Have to give my boss an answer on more hours tomorrow. :::

Since I have a course this time of the year about modeling large scale dynamically systems, I was thinking if I might get back into my economic simulations 0_0

Been playing Dispatch recently, at the end of episode 3 (of 8) so far. Very good choose your own game, it has two kind of parts of the main story and then the "side" game where you manage your heros. They both work really well. I'm literally not sure how much your choices effect things because I've been avoiding spoilers until I beat it the first time. Really love the summery at the end of episodes where it shows how other people chose.

Also opened Celeste back up because I never got into the core but fuck its hard. At least it saves super often.

been reading a lot of trans literature lately. might bring back the old tradition of effort posting some thoughts, tbd

keeps my mind off the damn holiday blues, anywho

::: spoiler spoiler Felt terrible all of tonight. This, dysphoria, all of it is just endless suffering. Fuck

Thinking about stopping my meds to guarantee I can stay closeted. I don't know. I'd hate to stop and I'd also hate to be outed.

I hate being trans :kitty-cri: so much pain. It has to stop. :::

Waow I'm a conveyor belt today it seems

Yall’s injection site ever be itchy the next day? I wiped the site and bottle down with separate wipes and only uncapped the needle for the injection, and probably I just didn’t go at a steep enough angle (subq), but I’m still kinda worried even though I’m pretty sure it’s fine. Gonna keep an eye on it, but it’d be rad to hear that this is pretty normal if that’s the case.

I love Tracy Chapman

it’s actually fucked up how fast i have been burning through sisters of dorley hall. damn this is good stuff

Is there an app or something to keep track of injections?

I keep forgetting the date by a day or two and it sucks

The ginger brownies I made taste less like mint this time, since I cooked the ginger and oil together before baking. Now it tastes more savory, like a very rich gingerbread. Of course it only occurred to me afterwards, that I could have also added instant coffee!

Lets kick ass and live the good life

Been seeing a lot of HIlma af Klint artwork everywhere, is there an exhibit or something coming out soon?

Other than that I survived Black Friday, now to survive closing every night through the holidays per usual.

just been voraciously reading Sisters of Dorley Hall to get through the holiday blues this week. it’s going to be so rough when i catch up to the point the story is at now. as a preemptive measure, anyone got any more trans books(fiction, nonfiction, theory all okay) that i should plan for next?

Reverend insanity being banned by the Chinese government is either the funniest or most fitting end to the novel.

As funny it is to have the protagonist "that cannot be stopped" be stopped, I do think it's admirable that after having his magnum opus abruptly cut short, the author continued to write books afterward. Aparantly, his latest book is even better than reverend insanity.

At least he could practice the "perseverance and following your own path" that he preached. A real person doing that is more impressive than a fictional character anyway.

Tracey Chapman - fast car

Actually started reading Sisters of Dorley Hall, and holy shit it is so good.

Before I get too deep, is the story anywhere near completion at this time?

Yakuza dead souls is so so good, if the series had ended there I'd be happy. Still got to the part in IW where Kiryu talks about it, calls it Peak Yakuza. You really can't appreciate the series without giving it a go, you also need to do all the sub stories and get all the weapons and the Amon fight. That game prototyped a lot of concepts they would use in 5 and 0 and honestly was only head back by being on the ps3.

::: spoiler dysphoria Feel fuckin terrible again why is it like this all the time. Why can't I just shut it off. Why does this have to be me. Why does this have to cause me so much pain.

Just earlier I saw a video talking about how early transition should be fun, trying new things should be fun, finding yourself should be fun. I just want this to be over. I am not having fun. I don't want to try womens clothes or makeup. Its not going to make me happy with how I look anyway. Why would I even want to try on clothes when I know I'm going to feel like I look like shit anyway. :::

Mild spoiler for kagurabachi (if anyone here even reads that)

My GOAT Buddhist themed swordsman is back and he is hotter than ever. Straight marriage material. But it would be wierd if I had a step daughter of age 16 and husband in his 40s (I'm in my early 20s). It would be a strange experience.

Elvis - If I Can Dream

::: spoiler suicide I just want to die. to escape. I dont want any of this. Being in my body is horrible, its been horrible, its still going to be horrible. I dont want to suffer another minute with it.

My spirit has been dead for a long time. I'm just a husk now. I just want it to be over. for the pain to stop. and I know, now that I've figured myself out, that its inherent state of being for me. It is how things are because of the fabric of who i am. no useless pills are going to make me feel normal again. I remember those precious few weeks after starting prozac when I had hope, when i thought it would fix me and make me feel normal again. but it won't, it never did, it can't. im ruined and theres only one escape :::

Esther Rose - Wanton Way of Loving

I found a YouTube link in your post. Here are links to the same video on alternative frontends that protect your privacy:

• yewtu.be
• inv.nadeko.net
• yt.artemislena.eu
• piped.video