Shabby Lemmy

455

Disaster_of_Passion in traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns

Lancer - Trans Megathread from November 17th through November 23rd, 2025

Lancer is a configuration of the Gladiator Anti-Grav Tank used by Primaris Space Marines in the Warhammer 40,000 universe. Mirroring the design of the standard Space Marine Predator Tank, the Gladiator is built upon an APC chassis and comes in a handful of different configurations that each specialize in fighting against particular kinds of enemy units. The Gladiator Lancer functions primarily as a long-range artillery piece specializing in targeting heavily armoured vehicles and monsters.

A Lancer's primary armament is the Lancer Laser Destroyer. The laser destroyer is a devastatingly powerful directed energy weapon developed prior to the Great Crusade, over ten-thousand years prior to the 40k setting. It originally came in two variations, the Heavy Laser Destroyer that was the main arm of the Destroyer Tank Hunter and Laser Destroyer Arrays that were used as sponson weapons on the Fellblade Super-Heavy Tank. These used to be commonplace armaments but millennia of infrastructure decay and lost knowledge had left few facilities in the Imperium capable of even repairing existing Laser Destroyer weaponry, let alone manufacturing new ones. Although not directly addressed ~~on the wiki~~ in the lore this is presumably not the case with Lancer Laser Destroyers, which are downsized and less powerful than the Heavy Laser Destroyers and less complicated than the Laser Destroyer Arrays and therefore seemingly easier to produce and deploy in force. While it is less powerful than its ancient predecessors, the Gladiator Lancer is still a force to be reckoned with and is one of the most powerful units fielded by the Space Marines in terms of pure destructive capability.

::: spoiler On the Tabletop (mildly crunchy)

The Gladiator Lancer was first introduced as a deployable unit in WH40k 9th Edition, and remains available in 10th edition (the current edition). As would be expected, the in-game version of the Gladiator Lancer is also a long-range artillery piece specializing in taking down heavily armoured enemy vehicles and monsters. In both editions the Lancer Laser Destroyer has a massive range of 72", allowing it to target nearly any unit on the standard 44"x60" field of play as long as it has line of sight, and has very high Strength, Armour Penetration, and Damage characteristics while only being able to fire 2 shots per Shooting Phase. Even with its powerful stat-line, the Gladiator Lancer is point efficient to field. Standard competitive WH40K armies have a point limit of 2000, and the Gladiator Lancer costs only 120 points in 9th edition and 160 points in 10th edition.

It would be easy to assume that a Powerful, Cost Effective Unit would be make it a mainstay of competitive Space Marine army lists... but with the Gladiator Lancer that's not the case (at least in 10th edition I'm sooo not dedicated enough to go searching for 9th edition top 4 finishes). Space Marines often suffer from a glut of available unit options, and 10th edition is no exception. The Gladiator Lancer sees competition with the Ballistus Dreadnought, Vindicator Battle Tank, and even its smaller cousin the Predator Annihilator.

Both the Ballistus Dreadnought and Vindicator Battle Tank see heavy play in competitive Space Marine armies, compared to the middling play the Gladiator Lancer sees.

While the Ballistus Lascannon is weaker than the Lancer Laser Destroyed in almost every regard, its 48" is still large enough to cover a large portion of the battlefield and its statline still leaves it effective as an anti-armour artillery piece. What really makes the Ballistus Dreadnaught a more powerfull piece is it also has long range anti-infantry capabilities with its Ballistus Missile Launcher, which can fire frag missiles to take out globs of enemy infantry. The Ballistus Dreadnaught also has its reasonably strong Armoured Feet as a melee weapon for any melee infantry that manage to close the distance to it. At 150 points, the Ballistus Dreadnaught is weaker as a dedicated anti-armour artillery piece but its versatility makes it edge out the Gladiator Lancer.

The Vindicator Battle Tank, strictly speaking, does not fulfill the same role as long range artillery due to it only having a 24" range on its Demolisher Cannon. That being said, the similarities of the Demolisher Cannon to the Lancer Laser Destroyer I think are hard to overlook when talking about the glut of similar units in Space Marine armies and how they play into competitive choices. The Demolisher Cannon has only one less Armour Penetration than the Lancer Laser Destroyer and has the same strength. It does a pretty significant amount less damage, dealing only 1d6 damage vs the Laser Destroyer's 1d6 + 3, but the Demolisher Cannon makes up for this by having a massive 1d6 + 3 attacks which gives it devastating damage potential against not only vehicles, monsters, and standard infantry but also against heavily armoured elite infantry.

Both the Ballistus Dreadnought and Vindicator Battle tank see much more play in competitive lists than the Lancer Gladiator, with some armies even taking both Ballistus Dreadnoughts and Vindicator Battle Tanks. The Lancer's otherwise strong profile being overshadowed in such a way showcases just one example of many of the problem Space Marine armies have with being oversaturated in models, a situation born from Games Workshop constantly pushing new kits for popular army in order to sell more plastic despite potential negative affects to the game itself. Weeee capitalism. :::

Oh also there's a type of Imperial Ceratus Knight called the Lancer, because it has a shock lance. Not really talking about those because, despite them being giant robots, I think the Ceratus Knights are kinda lame and aren't as cool as the other Knights and Titans. Anti-shoutout to the Ceratus Knight Lancer.

So, uh, yeah, that's Lancer I guess. I'd love to hear about everyone's favourite tanks in sci-fi and fantasy!

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As a reminder, please do not discuss current struggle sessions in the mega. We want this to be a little oasis for all of us and the best way to do that is not to feed into existing conflict on the site.

Also, be sure to properly give content warnings and put sensitive subjects behind proper spoiler tags. It's for the mental health of not just your comrades, but yourself as well.

Here is a screenshot of where to find the spoiler button.

::: spoiler spoiler :::

GayTuckerCarlson* (11/24 - 11/30) Eco* (12/1 - 12/7) oscardejarjayes* (12/8 - 12/14) Shaleesh* (12/15 - 12/21) SwitchyandWitchy* (12/22 - 12/28) peanutbuttercupola* (12/29 - 1/4) Wmill* (1/5 - 1/11) Alisu* (1/12 - 1/18) Disaster_of_Passion* (1/19 - 1/25)

TerminalEncounter [she/her] - 3w

I keep thinking like why do I think House as a character makes sense to me as trans, and I think its down to his skepticism of the medical bureaucracy and the relationship to his own body (after the infarct). Also he's masculine in an interesting way, its hard to describe. In the actual show, he was an asshole to the androgen insisentive XY cis girl so its not like a perfect reading but I think it tracks to me anyway (he's still House, he's still a rude asshole who's in constant pain and is more of an asshole because of it).

::: spoiler my head cannon, some very light mentions of transphobia and medical gatekepejng I think a trans House would've transitioned in the 70s and 80s at 18 because his parents weren't supportive of it while he was a minor or he didnt feel comfortable coming out to them. I think he did DIY - like yeah in the 70s and 80s - he had the force of will, the stubbornness, the genius, the willingness to take a risk to do that well well before you could just order meds online. I think it would have created some tension with his dad but his dad was ultimately a shitty kind of supportive - like "okay I accept you as a man, but you will be the kind of man I want you to be" but House just wanted to be himself not prove something or fit the mold anyone else wanted for him. I think Wilson was an over eager annoying baby ally in the 90s, read Stone Butch Blues, tried to have gender conversations but House shut that shit down and after a while Wilson treated him like any other guy. Its just another thing about House, "likes vicodin. Rough around the edges. Is a genius. Transgender man. Is my friend." I think Cuddy and Stacey knew, I imagine it mightve been a tension from House to them but neither of them cared about him being trans they didn't like his attitude. I don't think hes stealth, or open, I think it just isnt a big deal to him and hes been doing it long enough most people who know him after transitioning anyway.

I can imagine a B plot where Foreman, Cameron, Chase see House being oddly tender with a trans teen and manage to figure it out. They confront Wilson (they're in the 00s and vaguely lib coded) and hes like "yeah, whyd you think I wore pronouns pins, I thought you all already knew." They're weird about it with House and he puts it together that they figured it out and hes more annoyed and nonplussed they never managed to put two and two together, his "crack team of medical detectives." I can see a scene where he puts down a transphobic parent and mocks him for staying with the gender his mom picked for him meanwhile House had to grab it like Prometheus stealing fire from the gods lol. :::

gaystyleJoker [she/her] - 4w

HELLO THIS IS THE MEGA SIGN UP POST/LIST POST

if you have a preferred week please tell me

* after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters

Disaster_of_Passion [kit/kit's, she/her] - 4w

I can be trusted with another mega

meler [she/her, pup/pup's] - 3w

Omg I got approved for a place

0x2640 - 3w

happy trans day of rememberance

im proud of you for surviving. youve got this.

EstraDoll [she/her, he/him] - 4w

egg me straight up refusing to believe that straight women were real and somehow that dumb bitch couldn't figure it out

GenderIsOpSec [she/her, kit/kit's] - 4w

fr tho

Florn [they/them] - 4w

I refused to believe that men and women were real at all. I didn't discover that I'm agender, I discovered that everyone in my life wasn't just pretending

mendiCAN [none/use name] - 4w

ditto except being ace and the realization that no, everyone really is that horny all the time

KrupskayaPraxis - 3w

::: spoiler dysphoria, gender envy I had a great time clubbing last night, but it also made me dysphoric. I saw a lot of pretty women in their early twenties while I'm here while I'm a trans woman in her mid twenties who's fairly early in her transition, and they gave me a lot of gender envy. And it's only somewhat recently that I started going out, since I was closed off before that. Why couldn't I have been at this point in my life sooner. :::

shallot [she/her] - 3w

Me, out in town, seeing cis-looking people: “they don’t know I’m trans >:)”

Me, three seconds later, seeing a visibly trans person: “they don’t know I’m trans :((((“

Synthesis: I probably need to actually make an effort to meet some local trans friends IRL

reposting so its not buried in comments :3

i love fat girls with tummy rolls and double chins, with flat asses/chests, with thick necks and cellulite, with boxy figures that dont conform to beauty standards!!!! fuck fatphobia, loving fat girls must be praxis or your love is hypocrisy.

I have a surgery day! 🎆

bridget-vibe party-cat

Gonna be a while later

MusicOwl [comrade/them, sie/hir] - 3w

::: spoiler horny

really need to tie up, choke and bite the living hell out of someone rn xok

:::

if you have a problem with a trans person headcannoning a character as trans then all youre saying is that youre transphobic btw

I legit think Dr House works as a trans man character and I have talked about it (not here) and people were VERY upset about that idea.

based and true

now i want to hear more on this headcanon

WalrusDragonOnABike [they/them] - 3w

Same. I'm down to hear anyone's unorthodox trans headcanons.

Disaster_of_Passion [kit/kit's, she/her] - 3w

is this where I drop my "Larian took away Karlach's gock" conspiracy?

Do it!

::: spoiler sex, minor spoilers for Karlach Romance okay so if you're romancing Karlach the romance scene in Act III you have sex with her. and like not much is left to the imagination, it's not like super graphic or anything the entire thing is pretty wholesome, but like there's a shot for a couple seconds where like if not for a well placed leg in front of the camera you could see everything. and like, it's pretty clear Karlach is railing Tav, the positioning is such that you can tell they're not just rubbing genitals together Karlach is definitely penetrating Tav.

And with the angle you can also pretty clearly see that Karlach isn't wearing a strap. So the choreography, the way the scene is visually written, is that Karlach has a gock.

Of course, since you can get all your party members naked, we know that Karlach doesn't have a gock.

So my theory is that for a majority of the game's development and production, to the point of getting far into modelling and animations, Karlach was explicitly trans and had a gock and at some point Larian stole Karlach's gock. My speculation is somebody thought that like, "hey maybe the only explicitly trans party member being a touch-starved trans woman who literally gets so angry she does could be problematic" so they took away Karlach's gock, because they're cowards. cowards. :::

also I think Halsin is a trans man but that's not like, I don't have any like grand theories around why I think that I just think so.

I love this! Explains a lot of the subplot of house being so angry about his father too.

BountifulEggnog [she/her] - 3w

Need to snuggle someone while I fall asleep

me when "allies" start using agab language this should never have become popularized terminology

apparently telegram tells literally everyone who has your phone number in their contacts that you signed up for telegram

thank you telegram, i definitely wanted people i havent spoken to in 5+ years to know about my kink account

RION [she/her] - 3w

bateman-walk

Me listening to F4F "I am proud of you" sapphic audio on the way to work

COME OUT YE BLACK AND TANS
COME AND FIGHT ME LIKE A MAN
TELL YOUR WIVES HOW YOU WON YOUR MEDALS IN FLAAANDERRS
TELL EM HOW THE IRA MADE YA RUN LIKE HELL AWAY FROM THE GREEN AND LOVELY LANES OF KILLASHANDRA

sodium_nitride [she/her, any] - 3w

It's kinda hard for me to think of myself as a girl. I saw a meme about lesbians and thought "wish I was a lesbian", then I realised that I can just be one if I want to. Simple as.

RION [she/her] - 4w

::: spoiler body/weight stuff yesterday I saw my mom and she told me I was getting too thin, which was a very strange experience as not only is this my first time being at a weight where that wouldn't obviously be a joke in years, but also like she's still very wrong? I'm 199 lbs at 6' 1" and I feel like anyone who looks at me would be able to see that I've still got noticeable paunch at my belly, face, and thighs. I'm most concerned about the first two of course, but I know you can't really target fat loss in specific areas. I think soon enough I ought to shift my strategy to maintaining weight while building a little muscle, hopefully in a feminine profile.

Of course I've been losing weight for so long I'm kinda used to it, and part of me is wondering how low I can go. I don't want to be emaciated, mind, but I've never been thin before in my life and I wonder if it's even possible for me. :::

0x2640 - 4w

::: spoiler spoiler people that feel the need to negatively comment on other peoples weight should have their mouths shown shut and im only half joking

sorry if its rude to say that just a very harmful yet prevelant practice that annoys me :::

Honestly I don't mind it here, I've always been very transparent about my health with her (save the 10 months of feminizing HRT but that's the exception). And if anything it's a little flattering?

::: spoiler spoiler Some people have such a weird definition of "underweight." Its still nice to have it acknowledged when you successful loose excess weight, even if its done in a negative way. Congrats!
:::

Wmill [they/them, fae/faer] - 3w

Took one of my plushies out with me today Pepe had him since I fished him out of the trash when I was 7. Old then old now

TerminalEncounter [she/her] - 4w

Fuck I love enemies to lovers but irl its more annoying that apparently I prefer slow burn friends to lovers 🙄🙄 why can't it be something cooler

Tommasi [she/her, pup/pup's] - 4w

I'm glad i don't aspire to enemies to lovers irl because i don't have have any personal enemies doggirl-sweat

BountifulEggnog [she/her] - 4w

You're not hating enough

I have had nemeses and enemies and enemies to friends!

Anyone who can make me hate them probably sucks to such a degree that it is unsafe for me to be around them long enough for the shift to happen.

if you treat people with selfharm scars as walking trigger warnings you suck btw

Bar so low that (only) a few bad hours a day is "better" and "I'm doing good"

Which tbh is a big improvement especially over some parts of the last year. But it definitely is hard to explain idk. Sorry if I still post like I'm completely miserable 100% of the time.

::: spoiler reasons and things I think its probably pretty obvious but I think a lot of my issues lately has been other people and transphobia and all that and I really don't know how it will ever be okay

Like we're a social species, right? And most people suck complete ass. How is that not going to be super distressing? :::

EstraDoll [she/her, he/him] - 3w

i'm broken right now in a way that could probably be fixed if i took part in a big pike square

it's very strange trying to like internalize and navigate "hey I think I might be poly" when prospects for even one partner are basically rock bottom

reminder that if you like trans men then you like men

When the trans video essayist is from my hometown and has all my same opinions and also has her life together quagsire-pog

Scraping together a life feels more achievable, I just need to leave lol

I sometimes meet people on other sites like XHS and sometimes I get the feeling they're trans and it's not like anything obvious like they got a trans flag in their profile but I just get a sense. Idk I just find trans people more interesting to talk to than cis people and then just think everyone who has depth must be trans. Could also just mean I vibe better with trans people too

Cashier told me my nails looked great and asked if regular or gel, ngl she convinced me on gel now when she mentioned I could put rhinestones on them niko-wonderous

Finished the car, all except stickers last night. Feeling super tired today though (wonder why 🤔) Also unfortunately in all my moving it around to build it I managed to break a piece that kept the front wheels on, I found a replacement but it's a different color 😭

I'll post a pic when I get the stickers put on but I'm waiting to do that for when I'm not tired and can do it properly.

Sixty fucking one my estradiol was 61 yesterday 8 hours after my first dose of the day I am going to SCREAM

My T was at least down to 60 too so all that Spiro was doing something in addition to making me go blind for a few second when I get up from bed

And also found out estradiol cypionate is seven times more expensive than valerate with my insurance because fuck me I guess. Why is doing the right thing always harder and more expensive

I am so tired of being pushed around by an absolute dogshit system that would rather see me dead than apply a modicum of decency and sense. If this new doctor doesn't put me on a good injection dose I'm just gonna go DIY at this point. I'm a fucking idiot but apparently that leaves me better qualified to treat myself than planned parenthood was and [REDACTED HOSPITAL SYSTEM] is

SerialExperimentsGay [she/her, fae/faer] - 3w

I mean, this honestly sounds as if you're better off getting your E DIY and using the medical system just for the bloodwork. I do it that way, a lot of my friends do. For us, that's because valerate is the only injectable estradiol ester that is prescribed here, and even that is rare and depends on you being patient of the less than a handful of cooperative endocrinologists in this godforsaken country.

Sure, i would like a bit more quality control with something i'm shooting up buuuut .. i know this girl who found out the hard way that she's allergic to the sesame oil in her prescribed valerate injections and when she asked her pharmacist about that, after she already had a massive swelling at the injection site twice, he told her to give it another try and see if that reaction would happen again.

I cannot stress this enough, DIY saves lifes. With the state of trans healthcare being as it unfortunately is, DIY is frequently just the best option even if it isn't the only option.

Plus side with injections is you get to choose the dosage. You get the same vial that you are suggested to toss after a month even if you only used like 30% of it. So you can use more or stockpile.

RedSturgeon [she/her] - 3w

I am considering switching over to Linux. Already fiddled around with it, a couple software I use aren't natively supported on it however and it's difficult to find time to learn how to get them working/learn alternatives. It's so frustrating tho' because I'm so close yet so far and no time to learn it.

Wmill [they/them, fae/faer] - 4w

Some times my mom be slipping on my gender stuff and been calling me mija or been including me in a feminine we type context. Maybe I'm more receptive to it with my nails painted or the nails change her perception a bit. Idk if I'll ever take the plunge but experiment with pronouns would be fun, I do not feel she/her tho but Ella feel alright. Anyone chime in on how you feel about pronouns in a different language if you can

WalrusDragonOnABike [they/them] - 4w

Anyone chime in on how you feel about pronouns in a different language if you can

Not a language I actually use in any meaningful way, but as a weeb, I preferred fem-related language to masc ones as a clueless egg. Like I thought (w)atashi>boku and -chan > -kun, etc. Does that count?

I'll count it but

as a weeb

I cannot allow that to stand madeline-stare

SuperZutsuki [they/them] - 3w

This you? kiryu-slam wonder-who-thats-for

kiryu-pain it's been a while since I tried to learn Japanese through anime tho

I tell everyone I use they/them but will also take any fem pronoun without complaint. Same goes for other languages. I was referred to as 彼女 (her) and [name]ちゃん (fem affix) quite a lot when my friend was introducing me to people in Japan, which felt fine.

Neat I just like Spanish a lot, it's a lot less harsher than English imo in English I always feel on guard

XiaCobolt [she/her] - 4w

Do you ever wonder what dogs or cats think of their owners starting HRT? Like the smells changing.

::: spoiler Also unrelated I really hate this type of outdated term around being trans MtF/FtM. Like I hate it more than AMAB/AFAB, which I don't like. I'm not becoming a woman I am one, I never was a man. At least AGAB implies the external direction the assignment came from. :::

DylanMc6 [any, any] - 4w

i'm still non-binary, and i prefer gender-neutral and feminine terms. seriously!

Even if youre a femme you're still a them~

sodium_nitride [she/her, any] - 4w

::: spoiler horny stuff

Flashback to the time where I was running a discord server and did some absolutely wild role-playing. Examples include writing a script for a 9 way femboy orgy and pretending to be a drug dealer karate expert locked in prison.

The one thing I miss about being a child is having friends that I could do things with. Now it's like, even if I were to write some insane script, who would I show it to, and who would tolerate my cringe bs?

::: spoiler spoiler post it to trans mega :::

::: spoiler spoiler

0_o

The world isn't ready*

*idk if that data even exists anymore. I'll see how much I can recover

hot take but using the stolen labor machine 3000 is a bad thing, actually

and no "the orphan mulcher has already been built so i may as well toss an orphan in" is not a good argument

SwitchyandWitchy [she/her] - 3w

I am about to use the last of the usable E in my vial, I'm really happy with how long I've made her last.

It's silly how humans are the only species on earth that have to worry about money. What a downgrade

SamanthaTemp [none/use name] - 4w

40gay

"If I became a cassowary I would be very cassoworried about it"

France Kefka

Since I identified my worst habit and it's trigger/comfort seeking behavior I've have not fallen back. It's a messy thing I'm finally glad to put behind me. I feel like I can change my life but it's always tackling one thing at a time until it gets easier and then I move on the next thing wrong with me.

Arahnya [he/him, fae/faer] - 3w

Ive always been the type to stay guarded and keep myself safe from the opinions that may be directed at me. Ive said, no one will ever understand me and no one will ever come close (this is not true ofc) but I feel it is partially true to some degree; I know that the way I experience life is not well understood, & so I keep myself guarded still. Yet also open, and blunt. I will tell you who I am, but I won't argue. Not anymore at least!

I used to be lonelier, more insecure, and I wonder what has changed because my social life is nearly the same. Now the longing for connection has been turned into a dream. Maybe, someday -- but if its not right now, that's okay. I am content ☺️

Found a vegan nails polish, got no top coat but it looks nice as is

Alisu [she/her, they/them] - 3w

Nice, painting your nails feels good. Everyone should do it, it shouldn't be a girl/woman thing tbh

It's a me thing now no one else is allowed to do it actually

Got a compliment from a guy this time, normally guys are like yeah my girlfriend does that and I've been asked if such and such appointment was a good deal or not feels nice

Still think of that one dude who didn't criticize me for having them painted it was instead why are they chip why don't you fix them, like stfu (but not in an angry way)

As it turns out, I can't tolerate sub-zero temperatures for long without appropriate clothing. How tragic. I'm even typing slowly cause my fingers are freezing.

Doctor asking routine questions: "Hetero or homosexual? Me: "Neither" Doctor to himself and filling out the sheet: "Nonbinary"

I'd like to imagine he was listing NB as my sexuality rather than just filling out the next question and saying it out loud as a way to let me give a correction is if it was wrong.

My doctor asked me about my enby partner at the time just before starting HRT, "is your partner after man or a woman." He was trying to figure out fertility concerns and if I would need information on sperm preservation. I said "oh they're neither."

SickSemper [she/her, they/them] - 3w

Same, I answered nonbinary and she got a bit awkward and then replied “uhhh can they get pregnant?

Same with him 😂

Well, doc you should've asked that if thats what you wanted to know in the first place

Shoulda specified the question, idk lmao

I think they were trying to figure out what STD testing should part of the labs (the answer being none). But I already answered single and no sexual partners. Kinda surprised they never asked if I shared or reused needles (but I'd imagine that's an exceedingly rare thing for people who do regular medical checkups outside of recreational drug use).

I occasionally take histories from patients and you wouldn't believe the stuff people say. One person have told me theyre single and no sexual history because anal doesn't count (to them) 🙄. And you do have to ask about shared needles, you never know. Better to ask everyone and hopefully not miss anyone just because you made assumptions. Doesn't mean anything. I check for MRSA and one of the risk factors is recent hospitalization or recent imprisonment, I ask everyone about it.

I mentioned the needles because I was surprised they didn't ask, especially since I use needles. Also, mildly disappointed they didn't mention spiro or even caffeine when telling me I need to drink a lot more water.

Fun story: My cousin was hospitalized for sepsis and insisted to doctors he doesn't do anal (because wife doesn't want him telling others). When he gets drunk, he tells at least one of my moms that he's only with his wife for anal. I don't mind so much being treated as if I might be lying, exaggerating, misinformed, etc.

::: spoiler dysphoria, pre-hrt looks Looking at old photos of me before HRT is crazy. I thought I looked somewhat feminine, yet I just looked like a long haired man with a receding hairline :::

the nice thing about megathreads is comments dont show up on all like posts do, so i dont have to deal with random cis people interacting with me

like,,,, i guess they technically do but like,,, way more traffic there, and nobody is looking at fucking comments on all

panting thirsting over boys again...

KrupskayaPraxis - 4w

My attraction to guys keeps getting stronger, and it surprises me.

On the bottom of my library check out thing it has a "borrowing items from the library saved you a total of: X". So you see what I'm thinking I'm think by the time new years come up I'm gonna have a system where I document how much I saved and at the end of 2026 I'm gonna have a huge number to look forward towards. If the receipt doesn't give me the number I'll look it up and write it down anyway. Movies, books, CDs, and even the online stuff I'm gonna keep track of shit this is gonna be fun picard-excited number go up

Man, I am feeling very dysphoric this week, so I wrote a whole page about my transition to express my feelings and to tell myself that it isn't my fault and that it's okay. Journalling helps, and I feel a lot better

::: spoiler depression, mourning loss of childhood, ptsd I had a therapy session yesterday and today I feel the emotions from it. I wish I was a girl sooner, and feel like I wasted my life. It literally feels like a nightmare I can't wake up from. I've been crying all day and have no energy for school or even hobbies. I took a walk, and that helped a bit but not for long. :::

you know a lot of video creators will like fail to properly parse a sentence or a word and make a joke out it and im sitting here like "holy shit these people literally cant read"

inTheShadowOf [she/her] - 3w

I'm making fried rice tonight and there will be enough for everyone in the mega.

gaystyleJoker [she/her] - 3w

(me wishing i was emo at 13 years old) i'm not in pain

i don't know where you got that info from but it's false

new nileblue video yippee

lurker_supreme [he/him] - 3w

I want to taste the superbeer so bad...

Doctor said I can do cypionate and prescribed me...

0.25 mL weekly at 5mg/mL. So 1.25mg every week. Which looks like this.

So is everyone providing HRT in the US just full of shit?

I think my plan is to bail on cypionate and ask her to switch back to valerate, then just inject that at a higher frequency until I can get DIY set up

When I was in high school I used to try to impress girls by eating an apple in one go... Anyway still a virgin ty for coming to my Tedtalk

calling the existence of women in fiction unilaterally "gooner/incel" is so alarming

its incredibly concerning that its such a commonly held opinion nowadays

and basically nobody cares

yay

katabat [she/her, they/them] - 4w

which games are they saying this about?

i never specified games, its more than just games

but also any game with women in it

hence "existence of women"

puppygirlpets [pup/pup's, she/her] - 3w

whenever i see someone talk about "gooners" i just replace it with "removed pervert" because that's what they actually mean

yeppers

Trying to thread the needle of making friends with this dude without making him think I want to jump into a relationship. I said he was cute ONCE and he's been showering me with compliments and invited me to his friend's baby shower. In his defense, he's ND as fuck and hasn't been treated very well by people close to him.

I'm also ND af idk closest friends I've made was probably through playing ttrpg with people, I lost touch with some people I played but I feel I got to know them on a deeper level on how they think and act under stress

Yeah I'm looksmaxxing but I take the L and turn it into a B doggirl-smug

Hyper_red [she/her, she/her] - 3w

My girlfriend and I play 40k I'm dark angels she plays bugs

cat-confused me talking to the straight girls when they mention they don't like girls

cat-confused me talking to the gay girls when they mention they don't like guys

stuff emotionally i have never been able to internalize the fact that not everyone is bisexual like myself, even if I know it to be true in a factual sense

I find it difficult to imagine what not being bi is like. It's like, both men and women have erogenous zones that I can play with. Both can have cute faces and nice figures. Why would I say that one is off limits?

yeah, I like cake. I like ice cream. both are yummy and good. why can't i like both? both are good. sometimes i'm in the mood for one or the other. they're not the same but i like both and both are good blob-no-thoughts flag-bi-pride

queermunist she/her - 4w

Do tachikoma count as tanks? I guess they're walkers and don't have treads, but they do have space for a pilot when not operating autonomously! Also I like how they represent fundamental questions about identity and continuity of consciousness.

Also also they're super cute, like jumping spiders.

the ghost in the shell wiki says they're tanks emilie-shrug

and they are super cute :3

long time ago, and on an alt account, i used to do a few big effort posts in the transmega, in the 2k plus comment per week days. i find it so fucking funny that me just posting i’m a top and i’m horny got more feedback than most of those posts. theory-gary

never change, trans mega

Carcharodonna [she/her] - 4w

DOWN WITH CIS

~down~ ~with~ ~cis~

MusicOwl [comrade/them, sie/hir] - 4w

down with cis

SwitchyandWitchy [she/her] - 4w

what if instead of fentanyl you replace the first n with an m, think about it

::: spoiler pointlessly gendered shit yo wadda hell is this :::

::: spoiler weight issues

I find it hard to cope with the fact that my waist is about 20 cm too wide to accommodate the L sizes of chinese cosplay costumes. I wish I had the willpower to get myself down there, but I don't. So I'm going to continue to experience dysphoria again and again.

So the new doctor's prescription went from 1.25mg estradiol cypionate a week to... 5mg of estradiol valerate per week? Which is so comically different in terms of projected effect that I'm kinda gaslighting myself into thinking I just misread the previous rx. But I remember checking multiple times that it was 0.25 mL at 5mg/mL, I even made that post about it.

Oh well at least I have an actually useful dose. First time using luer lock needles and even the injection needle is thicker than the one I've used for semaglutide so a little nervous :/ but excited too!

Did my first injection!

The luer lock stuff turned out to be fairly intuitive. The more pressing issue was actually drawing the oil out of the vial which I had a bunch of trouble with first. Eventually I started doing very small, quick up and downs with the plunger that seemed to pump it into the syringe pretty well.

I feel kinda diffused with a mild happiness now? Like there's a smile just behind my lips. I guess from the excitement of finally doing this.

Well I'm feeling better after work, planning to work on my lego car more. Almost done with it.

edit: god damn I love mozzarella sticks

why is every "simulating civilization in (game)" just "simulating capitalism in (game)"

lilypad [it/its, pup/pup's] - 3w

Holy shit yall, my programming project is working! All 100-and-something tests passed! I still need to implement some stuff but fuck its working ITS WORKING!

::: spoiler misanthropy and my parents People don't think critically enough and I hate them for it. Like, literally all bigotry would go away. Just one example. And its so painfully obvious how many of them do not examine their views.

Further, a lot of them can't be convinced with outside evidence. I think this is my biggest problem with my family, they've never listened to my reasons and changed their own minds. They believe all sorts of nonsense. Why would they change that and fully accept the science around trans people. Hardly anyone does. :::

What instead of hormones it was hermones and himmones and it was for the ladies and the fellas

crosswind [they/them, she/her] - 4w

I got my first blood test results back and my e level was way higher than I was expecting! Which is fun but I don’t know why that would be.

The level itself wasn’t all that high, but it was about 75% more than estrannai.se predicted. It’s valerate, so the uncertainty cloud was ~15%. Are there things that can throw off the results by that much? I know everyone’s different but that seems like a lot.

Also yay, it’s a problem that makes me feel good.

SickSemper [she/her, they/them] - 4w

I had my pre-E bloodwork and I have wildly low testosterone, also a problem that made me feel good lmao

☭ 𝙈𝙖𝙧𝙜 𝙗𝙖𝙧 𝙖𝙢𝙧𝙞𝙆𝙆𝙆𝙖, 𝙢𝙖𝙧𝙜 𝙗𝙖𝙧 𝙞𝙎𝙎𝙧𝙖𝙚𝙡 ☪☫

Everyone is different and there's a lot of variation in pharmacogenetics

Estrogen gets processed through the CYP3A4 pathway in your liver. Do you eat a lot of grapefruit? There are other meds that mess with CYP3A4 (including some antidepressants but a wide range of stuff, even some antifungals and antibiotics, apparently even something as innocuous as Prilosec can mess with it).

Did you take a trough level or your level when you were at a higher point? If you tested same day as your injections wait at least a couple days and see again, or wait until injection day before you inject.

No grapefruit or medications, and it was five days after injection.

What was it, and was it right before you'd usually inject?

400 pg after 5 days

peanutbuttercupola [she/her] - 4w

If you take any vitamins or supplements that contain biotin, that can cause incorrect test results. Some foods also have a lot of biotin, especially eggs and some meats. If you eat any of those before getting your blood drawn it could throw off your numbers.

This might be the reason, thanks

feeling very

UP WITH TRANS

~up~ ~with~ ~trans~

::: spoiler nsfw, kink, mentions of sexual assault hot take but i literally could not care less about people coping with trauma through fictional artwork. that shit literally aint real

you showing more empathy towards the drawing of a girl getting sexually assaulted than the sexual assault victim using it as a way to cope really says a lot about your priorities and values

if your community cannot handle the clearest example of a girl hurting nobody without collapsing into witchhunting and demands of exile, your community will not last. comparing a victim to their abuser for expressing themselves through art and kink makes you part of the problem

video games dont cause violence :::

no one reads books anymore (except for you of course)

From the book I just finished doggirl-shock

meler [she/her, pup/pup's] - 4w

Injection day!!!

::: spoiler voice dysphoria Saw a video last night of a guy's voice progression over 9 months from a super high voice, way higher then most women's, to a deep man's voice. god I wish to everything that was me. I hate voice training. I read up on it the other day and couldn't even figure out how to do the breathing part. It's so fucking stupid. :::

XiaCobolt [she/her] - 3w

I used to think I'd never voice train. It seems too hard. I don't have dysphoria (lol I totally did). Clocky trans women are valid (only real argument). I'm doing it in a class with 4 other trans women, we have a study group and a group chat where we post recordings. The social aspect has really forced me to engage with it and has helped me understand it much better than while alone. I can hear others doing things and get their feedback etc.

I definitely do have it, that's why I haven't and am not sure if I'll ever be able to. Its so hard on top of being so incredibly dysphoric for me.

Doing it in a group or with someone might be nice, honestly every time I attempt I just get frustrated and cry and stop so I don't really know if that'd work for me. I feel like I'd end up showing up for a few weeks, having that happen, and then just leave because I'm not actually doing anything or making any progress. ty for the suggestion though.

The class I'm doing is with a cis woman who trains singers to lift their singing voices. It's the first time they've done trans voices but it seems to be going well. It's rough to start but even in a month of weekly classes I've started sounding very different.

If black mirror is still going I got a banger of a premise they can use ::: spoiler spoiler What if everytime you jorked it your credit score went down :::

It might be too tense of a premise I'll admit but true horror I feel makes you look within and without think-about-it

::: spoiler spoiler Everyone on SSRIs and estrogen immediately develop the best scores :::

::: spoiler spoiler estrogen increased my libido fwiw :::

I hope it doesn't evaporate.

More fair than whatever we got going on now at least

::: spoiler child abuse

Really funny set of spoiler tags I've been posting today...

I was warmly fantasising about my husband (who does not exist) beating and electrocuting me then holding me in his arms and comforting me and kissing me.

Then all of a sudden I was reminded of my dad who would do the same thing when I was a child. Now I feel conflicted and wierd.

::: spoiler spoiler Its not surprising to work that stuff out through kink, you'd have way more control over the situation with a top/dom who like is good and you feel safe redding out with. It mightve been programmed in to your nervous system as a kid, or maybe you were destined to become a lil freaky regardless, it doesn't matter. It just matters how you relate to it now and that you do things safely with people you trust. :::

CDommunist [she/her, love/loves] - 3w

I need you to be a straight shooter

So get of the 'puter

and do the dishes

40K megathread?????? I didn't know those could exist.

Guard/mechanicus collector, but my only experience playing was my unbalanced starter toys getting minced by my younger relative's Tau

Frivolous_Beatnik [comrade/them, any] - 4w

40k thread let's gooo

Recently I started building some space marines and wanted to take some cultural and visual inspiration from Aztec/Mexica/Nahuatl nations (especially the Jaguar and Eagle knights) for their paint scheme and kitbashes. I found some really well made .stl's for chain/power macuahuitls and the like

Though I always end up concerned about how to do this stuff in a cool, not disrespectful way (as much as can be done for a scifi tactics game I'm playing at home I suppose). Trying to avoid some of GW's mistakes

I love Mechanicus so much, but I always had difficulty with actually putting together and painting them ^_^;

I played Mechanicus in 1st edition of Kill Team, and had soooo much trouble with building the Sicarians

So many little spindly bits!!! Snapping them in half all the time

My only experience with Lancer is seeing the giant shibari witch mech

I'm so far removed from Lancer I had to look up those words to piece together their meaning.

As for fav tanks, I've got a few off the dome but I'm not thinking too hard

I'm old fashioned, I don't love the Primaris/more recent hover tank designs

The mech in question

oh-shit

Black Witch is rad, it's got some really cool powers in the license too!

Ceres [she/her] - 4w

woag

also those two things do seem awesome

yeah I prefer the Rhino Chassis vehicles too, tbh. The Space Marine Dreadnaughts and the Predator tank were some of the first kits I picked up

Classic bangers! The predator is underrated imo

there are some competitive lists in 10e that are still fielding the predator and low key I think it's just because people think they look better than the gladiators and they just, yknow, already have a bunch of them

::: spoiler existential, death This really is all there is until I die and go back to not existing. I don't even get to passively observe. Just gone. And I have to do all this bullshit. "go to work" and "try my best" and all the other shit. god I hate it. I hate doing all of it.

I wish I was just never born tbh. I don't mean that in a suicidal way it's just, this is all there is here, doing stupid, difficult shit until I die. I don't particularly enjoy living and I do dread dying. It would have been much simpler to have never been. :::

::: spoiler spoiler I don't want to "set an alarm"! I don't want to try! I don't want to put in so much stupid fucking effort for nothing! I don't want to be a human! I just want to be a formless space blob watching politics play out, watching climate change happening, floating there watching things happen. I have no desire to be a part of this. Why would anyone bring me into this?? How do people love ts so much they just have to share the experience?? :::

Nasalstrip [he/him] - 3w

Real. I like life and being alive but why the fuck do I have to work to live in a shitty cube and then spend what I have left on shit I need to live like food? THIS is the system I had to be born under??

I’m in college just to try to find a job I can work towards that won’t crush me but I just don’t give a shit about it. Im failing classes because I just don’t care, it doesn’t interest me and im depressed and have adhd, doing shit I don’t want to do is genuinely impossible. I don’t care about deadlines. I don’t care what letter is my grade. Just thinking about the shit I’m behind on and having to go in tomorrow at 8 fucking am makes me want to wither away. This life is totally incompatible with how I want to exist but I can’t fathom how to escape it. There’s no alternative. It’s a fucking prison that wants you to be productive all the time and I just am not and don’t want to be. Don’t know where tf to go from there.

Sorry to rant under your comment but yeah. Why tf are people pumping out kids into this. It’s just stress that we don’t need and isn’t necessary whatsoever for 80 years. Whatever lol

::: spoiler talking about some of the heavy experiences in my life I know you've been dealing with a lot of heavy dark thoughts especially the last couple weeks. I hope youre safe right now.

Youre obviously going through a lot so dont consider this as downplaying your struggles, but there's also a lot of joy and happiness and tenderness in life. There is a lot where you get to decide things for yourself.

Life is absolutely cruel, randomly cruel and nonsensically cruel. Ive washed enough butts after someone was run over by a car, held enough dying young peoples' hands, cared for enough people who had life randomly shit on them to know the depth of which life can be cruel. Ive been misgendered enough, dealth with enough medical bullshit and also had enough random creepy men ask to lick my pussy or just grab me to know being trans can be hard in this society.

::: spoiler reasons I personally find life worth living, open it if youre in that headspace for it There is some stuff I enjoy about being alive. Falling in love the first time, our first kiss. Convicing my brother when we were kids to dress up as girls so our younger sister could have older sisters for a day. Hanging out under a tree in the summer in my early 20s talking about whatever nonsense we'd done. the feeling of my apartment still being warm after a friendsgiving. Momma dogs and their puppies. My mom telling me she was proud I was a woman. Helping deliver a baby and hearing their first breaths. Playing with toddlers and kids and their ridiculous games. Cuffing season and watching the first year freshmen with icy breaths holding hands. The joy of hearing my chosen name the first time. Real victories too, political ones. The solidarity of knowing my union had my back and I had theirs, winning a decent contract and knowing we weren't gonna strike cause we got what we wanted. Getting to see MCR live was very cool. :::

I think the way you feel is valid, the way you seem to feel worn down with all this existential heaviness makes sense to me. Im not saying you have to love life or be optimistic, Im sharing the things in the spoiler I find that make life worth living despite the random cruelty it has and the oppression we face.

Did you wanna talk about which parts are making you feel this way lately? Anything in particular? The tedium of day to day life or like big picture stuff getting to you?

Care-Comrade

Thank you, I am safe yes.

::: spoiler some thoughts on some of your reasons I really hope I get to experience that. I'm already early 20s, by the time I'm more ready I'll be mid. And trans. And autistic. I don't know how I'm going to find someone.

I really wish my parents would be supportive and proud of my transition, I don't think they will be. The best I can hope is they don't disown me and shit. But they're not going to be great.

Real victories too, political ones.

I don't see this happening either. :::

I think what bothers me most is big picture, but the day to day is also exhausting. I'm working a lot of hours and it feels very for nothing. I go to work, work all these long days and stuff, and it feels like I'm not getting anything. More money to save. But I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere really. And I'm going to need to work more then I already am. 30 already leaves me feeling spent.

But big picture. It feels like I'm just going to keep doing the same thing forever. Going in and grinding away, getting home exhausted.

All of the trans things. How we are treated, especially if I'm not passing. Voice training. I don't think I'll be happy without it and I don't think I can do it. It's way too frustrating, it's so dysphoric. A lot of the time I'm thinking about the future I'm thinking about my voice too. And, I don't know. It just feels like endless grinding away. For what.

I have, have to pass eventually. I hate thinking about going through any amount of time not passing/being clocky. Not that that's a failing on her or anything, but I would feel terrible. I don't know if it's possible for me yet. If nothing else I'm going to have to go through a time of that and I really dread that.

I guess it's just all so exhausting, before even considering transitioning. Which I have to do and is tons of work. Changing my mask, voice, makeup and stuff, there's tons of it. and I have to pray it goes well with all that effort or I'll end up still unhappy.

Thank you again. I really appreciate you.

::: spoiler spoiler You don't need to feel like this. There are alternatives, you can find a way to live better, a different job that sucks less, or an alternative way. It might feel that it's not possible, but it is. Therapy makes me feel like we can do better, that it is possible to find a way to live that does not hurt that much, maybe a different job, or a completely different way to make money. I can't tell you what that would be for you, but don't give up, you can do it. :::

::: spoiler spoiler Too much time left in today. Not that there's anything particularly good in the next few days. I'm just done with this right now doomjak feel super depressed and low right now :::

so whatsapp just had a massive data scrape using the same system telegram uses for the contact bullshit i was complaining about, so maybe they will remove it (they wont)

I'm suddenly remembering that time when I was young and made a whole story in my head where the teenage protagonist had a part time job and used to money to secretly live a double life as ... a girl. Like a regular ass girl.

The kinds of things egg me would think of ... nuts.

Don't mind me, just placing my foot down in the mega

So the new clinic I'm with seems more competent. The underling doctor immediately clocked my T as being high which was reassuring despite his uninterested affect. They took blood and then I'm likely going to switch to E injections! Also dialing spiro back down to 100mg because I mentioned how lightheaded I was getting

It seems like I'll be able to choose estradiol cypionate over the usual valetate if I swing my weight. I understand cypionate is preferred, no? In the https://estrannai.se/ calculator it seems much more stable.

The only thing that still worries me is the main doctor's adherence to the 100-200 pg/mL window for estradiol... I hope she'll let me stay above 200. I guess if I really needed to I could flub the testing window so my levels look lower than they actually are.

yes EC is vastly preferred over EV, tho it is strange that they are keeping you on spiro, should be easily monotherapyable. maybe temporary.

Slightly related, why is EC prefered over EEn? All doses and stuff I've seen are the same for both but I've heard EC is prefered but never why

its not

they are both functionally identical for the most part

i feel like people saying that are just anti-diy (because een isnt prescribed)

peanutbuttercupola [she/her] - 3w

EC and EEn are equivalent for trans HRT purposes; it's just that prescription EEn doesn't really exist outside Latin America so a lot of people aren't familliar with it.

I asked about monotherapy and she said not everyone can do it, which I feel like doesn't entirely make sense? Like I get everyone's body is different but the mechanics seem pretty straightforward. Perhaps not everyone can do it only sticking in the 100-200 range the doctors are so crazy about...

"not everyone can do monotherapy so we wont even attempt to see if itll work for you"

uhhuh, gotta love doctors

While it's true that not everyone can do monotherapy, most trans women (more than 80%) get good results from it if they're on a proper injectable regimen.

Can holding hands solidarity cause you to get pregnant the answer my shock you doggirl-shock

removed fan fiction but its only hand holding

Omg I can't believe thats censored lmao

Now I'm curious

Well I dont wanna say it if its censored, Im assuming its for a reason Im not aware of :p

Holeeeeeeee shit will this girl ever get to live somewhere? Got another rejection today from a different landlord for the same reason. They'd prefer families living in their places instead of room mates. Fucking hell I just want to live somewhere

::: spoiler transphobia Today just keeps getting worse doesn't it. Had a really bad run in with blatant transphobia in the session before this one and I still have to do two more after the one I just finished. And I was already in a bad mood. :::

Typing in the last hours of the mega is like should I save this bit for a few hours later or go for it, I go for it all the time. Disabling the upvote shower means I post for me

iridaniotter [she/her] - 3w

My headmate is ruining my himejoshi public image because our roommate can't be bothered to do the bare minimum in constructing mental models of us. Fuck my stupid baka life

I thought only having to pin E once a week would be a cool thing, but I failed to consider that I only get to do it once a week god dammit.

I love it when I'm given clear instructions, a time frame and am supervised. "Free working" is a scam. My ADHD ass gets fucked when I have too much choice. Like, I want choices for things I want to do, not things I have to do.

SorosFootSoldier [he/him, they/them] - 4w

so much jpeg

why is "extreme" transphobia and "regular" transphobia two seperate things on the code of conduct

"oh its okay to be transphobic just dont be too transphobic youll make us look bad" ????

how do you define "extreme" vs "regular" transphobia?

my read is extreme transphobia is always deliberate whereas "regular" transphobia could be well meaning ignorance or one of us making a bad taste joke

Wtf are syringes and needles I am so confused, there are so many different things to worry about I'm going crazy

catgirl-flop

Florn [they/them] - 3w

Just gotta make it through the holidays. Just gotta make it through the holidays. Just gotta make it through the holidays.

::: spoiler negativity and dysphoria

I try to avoid posting negativity because it also helps me, but these past few days have been particularly hard for some reason. I'm feeling as if I'm back to the horror days where I could not even look at a girl without feeling extreme jealousy. It's all cause I'm fucking stuck at this stage with 0 social transition. I'm too prideful to embarrass myself in front of other people. So I don't even try. Makes sense why they call this a cardinal sin.

Idk how much others can pick up on this, but I really do feel a strong sense of competitiveness, jealousy, inferiority with other people. I'm afraid of being looked down upon.

Arahnya [he/him, fae/faer] - 4w

Oo warhammer. My favorite army is Tyranids and my wife plays Eldar. 🐛 🧝‍♀️

Also im 255 pages into Bury Our Bones In The Midnight Soil & enjoying it so far!! 😃

'nids are one of my faves too! although my favourite unit from them got a new sculpt in the last few years that I don't like as much x3

I just got the stuff to start making a Votann army... although my last project didn't go anywhere so hope fully this one fairs better

I feel kinda dumb for my comments about how I couldn't understand what not being bi was like. Or that sexuality is just about labels and we should get rid of that stuff.

I think these comments might be too presumptuous.

as somebody who typed out a long rant about my experiences with lesbophobia as a reply to that, i'm happy to see this comment. these are complicated, deeply personal issues that breach a lot of different and sometimes conflicting vulnerabilities, being in queer spaces always means some degree of learning about such matters.

I didn't wanna pile on but I understood it. Im bi too, I get not understanding why gender would be a reason not to be into someone. There was a time I thought I was a straight man but even then I thought men were cute sometimes and thought thats just what straight was like. It didn't make sense lol. But I do trust people when they say what their sexuality is, if they tell me they only like enbies and femmes I simply agree. I dont like get it on the same level but thats fine.

Like what was I even saying. I clearly remember those days where I thought of myself as a straight man. I remember back when I would have never even considered sleeping with a man, even when I was thinking to myself "femboys are so cute".

rtstragedy2 [she/her, pup/pup's] - 3w

jesus fuck i miss my parents' tiny dogs and also them i guess, but the dogs were cuter.

::: spoiler i guess we're pivoting to talking about a kink story but we're not talking sex stuff i spent much of my trip reading https://archiveofourown.org/works/41618376/chapters/104391288 Divaricated which is set in HDG but much less like overtly "smut" than something like Wellness Check and I think it kind of gave a voice to how I feel about raising pets in general. I could really relate to Thatch's fears about screwing up and breaking someone who trusts and depends on you.

Honestly it was a really good story that gave me a lot of insight to how my bf feels as well - Thatch is such an interesting character and being inside her head helps me understand when my bf says thinks like he gets something out of taking care of me etc.

i'm not done it yet but like the first half is just this ... i don't know, it was good idk :::

I have a tight turn around with work and I just want to get home and cry and sleep and not go in tomorrow morning but nooo I have shit to do and really shouldn't just no show

Despite never no showing in my life I still have to talk myself out of it damn near every day

Dreamt I could see into the future and was using it to help people prevent tragedies and the like, if I had power that is a very me thing to do instead of exploiting it

nemmybun [she/her, sae/saer] - 3w

Even with guidance voice training is tough, and my ability seems to fluctuate on a daily basis. Right now I'd say with all my recordings I'm about 1% near perfect, 4% really good, 20% decent, 65% girlthing, and the final 10% is like critical failure. But this is still way better than I was a month ago when I had no perfects or really goods.

Oof I can't record and listen to myself. Its pure vocal passing or not or what my friends tell me. My coach had an exercise for when youre starting to loosen and lose the brightness, very loud oo up and down through a straw? It has absolutely helped and thankfully she gave me a somatic cue because I tone my voice out of my head 😬

Voice training is a slog but it is nearly pure effort, its like the one thing we have that isnt 100% luck of the genetics draw like boob size lol. And there are so many success stories of hitting the voice they want (doesn't have to be perfect high pitch femme! Plenty of people dig their lower pitch voices) that I find it encouraging even though its been SO LONG ALREADY with my attempts at self training.

My coach had an exercise for when youre starting to loosen and lose the brightness, very loud oo up and down through a straw?

Oooh yeah, SOVTs. I learned about them when I tried self training and I guess I totally forgot them meantime lol. I should add them to my routine

Voice training is a slog but it is nearly pure effort, its like the one thing we have that isnt 100% luck of the genetics draw like boob size lol

Yeah I felt prouder about hitting that 1% perfect voice than anything else I've done with transitioning specifically because of that

Oh yeah it helps big time. I heard about SVOT too and doubted it but I think I just had to do it way more often in a day. Like. Way more. I feel ridiculous doing it especially at work, but wtf other choice do I have lol.

Yeah I would feel silly too, but it can't be worse than going "mmhmm" between every sentence like I am rn lol

Im so over the ng up and down thing 😑

Annoyingly, it has worked very well for me getting a higher pitch for longer.

Lol my speech therapist just taught me the ng thing today and I'm already hating it

Online training course called me a power user, I proceeded to do 5 courses because of that. Maybe that was the plan all along but damn does it feel good to learn stuff. I would have done more but my hour of computer was up at the library and they closed for lunch. This shit is the kind of garbage neoliberals would salivate for "local poor educates themselves and gets out of poverty" all I need now is some powerful group to make sure I actually get a job after all this.

I think there's a meme going on in my town about some club that does not exist but has pretty good reviews. It's just an empty lot but fuck me I wanna go check it out now. Part of me is wondering if this is purposely made or a possible hiccup from bots online making shit up either way it's less than a mile from my house

I could have read 200 pages easily but I didn't take into account how subject matter can affect me when reading, been reading survival of the richest and between finance and speculation and how horrid the rich are/think it made me take a lot of breaks just fuming. I'm gonna power through the other half tomorrow but like damn I'm liking these strong emotions I'm feeling

Been reading how not to age and it's got me thinking yes I would like to live a long time and as well as I can, I feel like I wasted my 20s being depressed and and shit so if I can turn back the clock with lifestyle changes yes please.

Having misophonia is so fucking miserable and I can’t wait to move the fuck out, I really can’t tolerate my dad playing the tv so loud it shakes my floors for hours every night. I’m so tired, it’s 9 pm, I want to fucking relax. I’m sick of having to shove earplugs in my ears till they hurt and still being tense because nothing can block the fucking bass. He’s the type of guy that makes more noise when I explain misophonia (something I gave up on a LONG time ago) because he thinks it’s funny, and acts like I’m absurd when I ask him once a month to turn it the shit Down.

::: spoiler landlords deserve to die I got rejected from another place. The reason? Taking guesses now.

::: spoiler the reason Because the owner has had a bad experience with "room mates" in the past and didn't want to "risk it" with me and my intended room mates.

Are you fucking kidding me? Nothing about my application. Nothing about my income or potential profitability. I got rejected because I'm trying to live there with room mates who applied with me. How do they get away with this? :::

tamagotchicowboy [he/him] - 3w

Been having fun vibe coding small LLM run file organization slop projects on zai and releasing them github, I figure if I find them useful someone else probably does, most of the similar AI organizes your digital hoard that I've found is price gated, so its nice to have a free option.

What are my full time living-on-my-own money job options as an autistic trans woman? Was too depressed to follow through on a CS degree and at this point I don't know how worth it that path even is, the layoffs and people talking about difficulty getting a tech job even with experience makes me wonder if that's even a worthwhile endeavor. It'd be super great if I could get it in 6 months-a year too so I can move out.

This is not a one-sized fits all solution, but I work in healthcare. Lots of jobs in healthcare are in demand so employers can't be too choosy and patients are very used to having their treatment from "others" (people of religious or ethnic minorities, visibly queer, women etc). The downsides are they are often very stressful and I found myself quite burnt out after a decade. But there may be behind the scenes jobs like lab tech or medical records or something that might be a good fit.

I should look into lab tech or something, I'd like being behind the scenes and not as public facing if possible. Stressful doesn't sound ideal but idk how many other options I even have. Both people with suggestions were healthcare and it probably is my best bet

Honestly making it another decade will be a huge accomplishment

Oh, lab tech is a dope choice. All the places Ive worked, they do have to do blood draws (way easier than a proper IV but still a skill).

Plus you could do that, make enough to be independent and then if you change your mind about a 4 year degree you can still totally get one and work as a lab tech. Do you like pharmacy? They make good money too.

I think I could do blood draws, I've had a bunch of IVs put in and I know I have good veins or whatever but it doesn't seem like something that would be impossible to learn or anything.

I think pharmacy would just be hard with how much bio and chem I'd need. Unless you're meaning a lower level then pharmacist?

No, I think you might be able to pull off pharmacist and yes it would require bio and chem. But if you wanted a lower level, pharmacy tech isnt so bad

There's other jobs like that, radiation technologist, ultrasound tech, some of them take good academics and can be hard to get into but the school is shorter and they start to make some serious money. It totally depends on area but then you might start hitting $40+ and hour

Everyone has so much more faith in me doing things then I do tbh...

Holy $40 an hour! I had actually thought about radiation tech (like the person taking xrays, right?). And I'll look at lab tech too, idk what pre recs I might need to take it. But it would be super great if I could get any of this within a year. $40 an hour as something I could get eventually though god damn

Those rad tech/ultrasound tech schools are intense and theyre longer than 1 year. Some people think its less academically than uni but it takes brains and diligence, just as much.

It'd be fun if you could come study in Canada in my city for med tech school! It transfers to the states (rad tech and other technologist schools dont). Sometimes the tuition can be on par or cheaper depending on the school even with paying international student prices. Mostly Im thinking it'd be nice for you to get away and like be openly yourself at least when you're at home, also out of the states for a bit

I normally would've said healthcare but the weird Medicare cuts might throw that to the wind :/

Nurses aid/CNA make not GOOD money but you know its okay, like around $20 and hour (sometimes more sometimes less depending on where) and the school for it is short. CNAs were in such demand that for a minute there were even travel CNAs (they also get paid more). If you don't care what you do, Id pick something with 1 or 2 years of schooling and do that.

Predicting the future of markets under capitalism is a hopeless endeavour. These systems are chaotic by their very nature.

So perhaps 4 years in the future, CS graduates will face a good market cause all the damage from AI and layoffs will have to be fixed by someone.

Or it might be the opposite, where the whole industry is fucking bust.

Or trump will start ww3 to celebrate his 3rd term.

::: spoiler Some negativity about looking for work No clue about this, being ND and having social anxiety and depression, I sort of get how this goes. I even have a bachelor's degree from a good university and cannot, for the life of me, get a job. Looking for work is also very painful to me, using Linkedin is somehow painful, there are barely any job openings for people with no experience... It's exhausting to even think about job searching. Honestly, work culture and all of that also just makes me super depressed, having to deal with people in this type of environment makes me not even want to have a job, like ever, can't deal with that. Sort of feels like all of this is made to keep people like me out, but I refuse not to be myself.

Sorry for rambling, maybe I'm being a little negative, but yeah, it's hard.

::: spoiler spoiler Part of why idek if I want to bother trying with a full degree or anything, I've heard a lot of people with degrees still struggling and I don't need debt on top of my situation. It is painful and sucks, ngl after posting I spiraled for a good 45 minutes thinking about it. I hate the thought of working under capitalism. I have a part time job but even that I get tired of and burned out feeling. And I have to do this shit forever, at more hours, at a more serious job.

No you're fine, I appreciate your reply :::

Honestly, if you have to get in debt, don't bother, it won't make that much of a difference. If you want a tech job it's better to just learn to code in some other way.

Just to not bring in only negativity, I'm actually hopeful for the future because of being organized and our plans to build a coop, and also because I'm going to try an academic career, where I can just be competent and myself.

in the last few hours of the trans mega

i'd like to note that the 5 stages of grief are all taking their turns beating the shit out of me inside and i hurt terribly deeply catgirl-flop

here's to hoping i feel okay tomorrow in the next mega

Been looking for noise to listen to to help me read in distracting locations again and I settled on binual beats again, it's always a whiplash when it stops or I take out my earbuds but fuck it I got books to read

Ok, so I must admit. I have daddy issues. It's why I gravitate towards middle aged mature men. Both in irl attraction and in fictional crushes.

If I could afford a therapist, they could give me multiple diagnoses just based on my hexbear posting history.

Lurkmore [none/use name, comrade/them] - 3w

I'm totally going to crash out.

::: spoiler spoiler I'll never be a girl.

I'm too fucked up. I'm too ugly. I'm too grotesque and horrible. I'm too masculine to be a girl.

I'm not a man. I don't want to be a man.

I'll never get to be a girl.

Nobody in my life supports this decision. It's easier to imagine dying than being happy. :::

unaware [they/them] - 4w

lancer-bike

Thordros [he/him, comrade/them] - 4w

lancer-silly HE'LL YEAH UNAWARE lancer-bike

Nearly crying and needing to walk away bc Panda doesn't have your order

Saw a shirt where theres two nipple rings outside of the shirt (with the center going inside where the nip would be), and the two rings are connected by a chain. Unsure if it was a real piercing or not, but it looked suuuper cooool

fnaf is just harry potter for furries

In coughing baby vs hydrogen bomb, coughing baby actually has the advantage. Cause coughing baby's win condition is that he grows up and dismantles the hydrogen bomb. It will take it 20 years to win, but a win is a win.

As for hydrogen bomb's win condition? It doesn't have any. What's it gonna do, blow itself up? At best, if coughing baby is in range, them both are deleted and it's a draw.

rrawr :3

As we get older, every day feels longer and although I know I'll struggle, I will do my best to never get tired knight-nod

Shout out Jeff Rosenstock. I should actually sleep though,

One fun thing to note in shadow the hedgehog (05) is when team chaotix are hacking into Eggman's computer system shadow helps them by smacking the computer to get it to work, in the true ending charmy does the same to save the day. It's a cute call back but it's also so on mark for eggman-announcement to have a function where he just smacks his computers to get them to work. Eggman ain't writing lines of code like a dweeb he hits shit and that's beautiful story telling

How do I know I won't be a disgusting freak as a girl? What if my proportions are all wrong? How do I know I won't look even worse and like a monster? How do I know if I'm transitioning for the right reasons? What are those?

I'm sorry for being so confused. I want to make an appointment to start hrt, but I'm afraid I'm making a mistake.

How do I know I won't be a disgusting freak as a girl?

You don't. But being concerned over your appearance as a girl is dysphoria and generally transitioning relieves dysphoria. I believe all women are beautiful but there are cis women who are considered masculine, ugly, plain etc by conventional beauty standards. Also nearly all cis women have concerns about their appearance. At some point dysphoria just becomes dysmorphia. Estrogen is slow but it does wonders too. Laser. Surgery etc. All options.

What if my proportions are all wrong?

As above there are cis women who are upset with their proportions. Fat redistribution and fashion goes a long way as well though.

How do I know I won't look even worse and like a monster?

This on is actually quite complicated because it's internalized transmisogyny that makes us think the most monstrous thing is a non passing trans woman. It needs to be interrogated, challenged and rejected both in how you view yourself and other trans woman (some trans woman lag behind in either case). But even if you hypothetically looked "monstrous" which you won't, it's better to look monstrous while feeling better mentally and experiencing the warmth and openness that many cis woman have for their trans sisters.

How do I know if I'm transitioning for the right reasons?

Cis people do not think about transitioning at all. There is no right reason to transition, There is no wrong reason no matter how brain-wormed or weird it is. The act of deciding to transition is such contradiction to being cis it almost justifies itself.

What are those?

Personally for me, I couldn't take another day as a man. Then a little while later, I couldn't take another day not being a woman. The unexpected benefit was the way nearly every woman I have known or meet treat me with a warmth, openness and trust I never received when they thought I was a man. It has been truly the best thing of transition and even if we lived before HRT I would try and live as a woman knowing this experience was possible.

I booked my appointment and I'm really excited. I really want to be a girl I'm just so scared. If I could wake up tomorrow and I could change whatever I wanted I would be a girl. Everyday I would choose to be a girl. I'm just so scared to get there.

That's great and you're doing amazing.

I don't mean to come across like I ever think anything negative about anyone else. I'm sorry if it seems that way. I could never hate or hurt any of you. I just have no empathy or understanding for myself. I'm sorry.

::: spoiler Spoilered because I'm discussing transphobia and dysphoria It didn't seem that way. It's just a material reality that from childhood at every level we get indoctrinated with transphobia, transmisogyny and transemasculation. Even trans women and men need to overcome it.

Sometimes people overcome it for others first, but not themselves. Like "I can't be trans, trans people are so strong and valid, I'm not" etc

Occasionally it goes the other way and you get the trans people who think they are the "good ones" and punch down at other trans people that don't pass or conform etc.

I had very similar thoughts and worries as you did not so long ago. It gets better. :::

Bolshechick [she/her, it/its] - 3w

do I know if I'm transitioning for the right reasons? What are those?

The only right reason is that you want to do it. Like there aren't bad reasons and good reasons. If you want to transition, then you're good!

Any thoughts of the future just fill me with dread and hopelessness

Perfectly terrible mood to go into work with, just miserable with si thoughts in tow

A present I hate and a future I also hate and don't want.

Infamousblt [any] - 3w

Trans meathead topics are fire lately

I know people hate on LEDs, some of it fair some of it unfair imo, but the way they fail is very ugly. Bulb went out flashing super fast today and genuinely hurt my head a bit. Not nearly as nice as the old bulbs.

A real bad habit/comfort I'm trying to break away from is something I'm doing because I know deep down I'm scared hurt and seeking comfort by doing this thing. When I do the thing I feel a little better but then just feel an even deeper sense of sadness afterwards, it's something I feel somewhat powerless to but I'm gonna stop it. I think for me to break away from it is to just say out loud I'm hurting and cry it out, gonna start tonight.

Carcharodonna [she/her] - 3w

Trying to brainstorm up a good new “Rod Stewart has died” fake news post but I fear I’m running out of ideas at this point.

::: spoiler kink voyeurism is just cucking :::

Been trying out a tiling window manager, but it’s a little buggy on my system. Probably because I’m running it on top of a DE. Now I’m over here eyeballing nixos docs and accepting that I’m about to lose another couple days fucking around with an old laptop.

::: spoiler mentions of eating disorder and dysphoria

I eat pretty much whatever I want without thinking about it. So on one hand, I'm happy to not have an eating disorder. On the other hand, my belly fat gives me severe dysphoria. And it's like the only part of my body that appears fat. I don't get it. I fantasise about taking a knife and cutting my belly open. Or using needles to suck out the fat.

But if I get liposuction, wouldn't it leave behind a flap of skin? And wouldn't it be better to build muscle instead?

::: spoiler spoiler idk if it's done as part of liposuction, but there are procedures to remove excess/loose skin from large or rapid weight loss

...not that "there's an additional procedure" is necessarily reassuring, it's one of my anxieties over my own weight loss x_x :::

::: spoiler spoiler When you've got younger skin, like 20s skin, there's a better chance it bounces back as you lose weight (slowly, 1 to 2 lbs a week max). You can take collagen which might help and vitamin A and C but there's not a lot of research on those. Also, I think most collagen supplements aren't vegan - and by most I think literally all but I dont know for sure lol

You are supposed to have a bit of a pouch fyi, youre taking E right? Your body wants a bit of padding where your uterus would be, which is what Ive been told lol. But its normal to have at least a bit of belly.

For liposuction, it is normal to get a tummy tuck after for a lot of weight loss. You can also get fat remolded and have belly fat taken out and put back in your butt or hips - its very expensive and it is surprisingly risk in terms of health but you can get that fat injected in more femme places if you want. Ive thought about it, but the risks are actually quite serious. I'll see :::

Thanks for the advice. I've never seriously considered liposuction or redistributing fat, but it is nice to know how it works.

I feel like a teenage girl thinking about boys right now. It happens to me a lot these days. Such a refreshing feeling of youth.

:::spoiler bury our bones in the midnight soil spoilers

Love the vampire mythos and the mind / heart rot that comes with it

I think Alice is a very relatable and compelling protagonist, i relate to her a lot in fact, although not completely.

I love the messy toxicity of Sabine/Maria, the moment she killed Sabine and took her name kinda surprised me. Charlotte not being exempt from the toxic behavior was interesting, but I felt I related to her wanting a better life and being trapped more than the end stage of not caring if the girls she sleeps with dies.

There is apparently an unreliable narrator but I feel like its the author herself as she admitted to in the end lol.

I liked this story a lot! I wish it had a bit of a wider scope, more places to visit, more perspectives and stories. But the narrowness allowed me to focus primarily on the characters, which is fine. :)

blasting Mona Pizza at max volume on repeat until the neighbours complain just to feel something

GayTuckerCarlson [she/her] - 3w

new mega

https://hexbear.net/post/6835242

I just found out that half the popular fan arts of the protagonist of reverend insanity aren't even of him. People just assume that they are of him cause the protagonist is basically just "cool looking Chinese dude with long hair". Even Google images is severely confused on this matter.

This is an actual fan art of him

I did not start reading xianxia novels so that I could understand the memes better. This is a slanderous accusation. catgirl-smug

SamanthaTemp [none/use name] - 3w

40k nerds is this sad: https://youtube.com/shorts/Nq_blZL-S4E

yes

Yeah but why isn’t it just a robot

clarifying question: why isn't it a robot like "what is it about a dreadnaught that makes it not just a robot" or why isn't it a robot like "why don't space marines just use robots for dreadnaughts" ?

HexReplyBot [none/use name] - 3w

I found a YouTube link in your comment. Here are links to the same video on alternative frontends that protect your privacy: