Shabby Lemmy

I associate with Ralsei way too much, and heteronormativity is pain

I feel only comfortable posting it here. Shows how much I like this place, and how much I trust you gays to actually know your stuff. And yeah, I'm posting it here because where else, this is gender type shit.

Since Deltarune launched, and now even stronger since Ch3+4, I've associated with Ralsei very strongly. Just like me, he's basically an emotional wreck, who knows too much and tries to hide his pain. At the same time, his friends are his world and mean everything to him, just like mine to me. I even want to be like him, just a cute guy who loves to serve his friends and loved ones. So much so, that I feel like I'm projecting onto him way, way too hard. There are plenty people with a "ralsei is a transfem egg" headcannon, and I don't know why, but stuff like that makes me feel uncomfrotable.

Like, when I'm seeing this stuff I feel as being asked to be someone I'm not. It's just a fictional character, the dude supposedly doesn't even really exist in the world he's from. People can make him out whoever the fuck they want him to be. So why do I feel this way?

At the same time, I feel as existing itself as who I want to be is difficult. The gender norms required of cis men exhaust and sadden me, and if I don't fit into them I'm going to be targeted. Right now I'm just a guy, when I want to be 🌺𝒿𝓊𝓈𝓉 𝒶 𝑔𝓊𝓎🌺. Even then, trying to browse for makeup guides, or clothing styles makes me feel, unfulfilled, empty, and left guessing (Add some anxiety to that for some reason, maybe I'm overthinking the whole living in Poland thing). It's mostly either with femboys in mind, you know the one singular aesthetic that feels like a porn category. Or you know, just outright for women. And I'm not a woman, egg discourse annoys me because of that. I feel stuck, like I don't fit in within heteronormative spaces or queer spaces.

Maybe that's why I like Ralsei so much. I've never seen something like me outside of myself before.

Am I a cishet queer thing? What the fuck even am I?

Super_Lumalo [he/him] - 4w

It's like either I can see myself as a woman, or I can get other people to see me as a woman, but not both at the same time.

THIS, SO MUCH THIS. You wrote it all so succinctly, even if there's differences between how we want to be in who we are, you still explained the feeling very well. I suppose it gives me comfort that someone else out there feels like that too. I feel you.

I don't get the Deltarune comparison, but I feel like I understand exactly what you mean.

It's frustrating that in order for people to see me as my gender, I have to present in a way that makes me feel like I'm not myself.

Ralsei as a character is just what solidified my feelings, since he gave me something of an anchor point around them towards myself. Even if my outward appearance most of the time is that of a regular cishet whiteboy, that appearance is mostly "a front". I do feel comfortable in it, yes, but it's not enough. I wish I had more courage to experiment, to be a bit more eccentric with my wardrobe, trying on makeup and jewelry.

Some people in LGBTQ spaces will see aspects of my gender presentation (for example, I sometimes bind my chest) and take it as evidence that I'm in the early stages of coming out as a trans man.

While I haven't been called an egg yet (fuck egg culture), I'm still far from that, a whiteboy has to bare gay or bi allegations for having a modicum of personality. And while it's funny for a while, later it's just annoying. It just brings confusion, and I have to deal with people who earnestly believe I'm gay and then tell them "No, fuck off" in a polite manner. Sometimes I end up looking like all-morons yelling "I AM NOT GAY" lol

pooberbee (they/she) - 4w

Sometimes it feels like the gender binary is so entrenched that even when someone breaks out of the false dichotomy of man/woman, they end up in another one, cis/trans. That's why when people talk about eggs cracking it's this nearly devastating epiphany that they suddenly need to spend years remaking themselves so they can pass as their new gender. And that leads a lot of people to second guess if they're "trans enough" to make the journey.

It can be hard to feel valid as something you don't have a role model or representation for, and it feels invalidating to have representation dismissed like that. Especially the egg meme community seems pretty stupid and childish about forcing people into the cis/trans binary. Nevertheless, you are valid.

I'm gonna go feel empty now

SootySootySoot [any] - 4w

FWIW, I feel I've been in a very similar headspace for many years. It's actually a real struggle to be a man doing things outside the masculine stereotype (and probably true to varying degrees for any gender acting outside their stereotype). I don't consider myself trans - I just want to do stuff that isn't the cultural norm.

In my personal case, it's why, despite the fact I'd say I'm a man generally, I've otherwise tried to eschew gender labels. Because it feels like any label at all suddenly sets people with cultural expectations of me. And that is frustrating.

Ralsei's fucking awesome by the way, I dig his clothing and want it.

It's actually a real struggle to be a man doing things outside the masculine stereotype

That's why I've found myself not fitting into "dude spaces" and avoid socializing at my uni. These people not only scare me, but make me feel uncomfortable. I had best experiences with "outcasts" like me, and even then I felt unlike them.

I wish sending photos of my cosplay wasn't a stupid idea. He makes me look awesome.

Very fair, dang, I'm already super envious without even needin' to see it.

lurker_supreme [he/him] - 4w

I don't know the answer to your question but I know the feeling. I sometimes think "man" as a term is outdated, and sometimes I think I must be something else besides a man because I don't act like a "man". Maybe we're just nothing?

The thing is, I believe I absolutely am a man. Just not one that society really accepts, I've found out thanks to my two best friends. Who well, are trans men. They helped me understand that I'm valid, that I am a real man,

I believe I am a man too, in my own way. But my definition of man does not line up with the majority opinion, so I feel very strange about it. I think we feel similarly but I am really bad at explaining things.

I hope you can find what you're looking for. I believe you're a real, valid man too.

Thordros [he/him, comrade/them] - 4w

Gender norms fucking suck, man. Sometimes I wanna feel pretty when I get some brewskis and watch the game with the guys, ya know? (Granted, the game is StarCraft)

Thank god for kilts or I'd go off the goddamn deep end.

R. Bridger - 4w

I don't get the Deltarune comparison, but I feel like I understand exactly what you mean. I'm a woman. The way I act and the way I dress are more masculine than is typically expected of a woman. It's only after I started dressing "like a man" and cutting my hair short and not suppressing more "masculine" mannerisms that I started to feel like myself. I've used resources designed for trans men like style and fashion guides, but I've thought about it a lot and the fact does remain that I'm a woman.

People generally expect that the way you (want to) look/dress/act is to a large degree aligned with the typical presentation of your gender in your cisheteronormative society, and they have a hard time wrapping their heads around it when you don't meet that threshold. This is mostly the case in LGBTQ spaces as well, in my experience. Some people in LGBTQ spaces will see aspects of my gender presentation (for example, I sometimes bind my chest) and take it as evidence that I'm in the early stages of coming out as a trans man. It's frustrating that in order for people to see me as my gender, I have to present in a way that makes me feel like I'm not myself. It's like either I can see myself as a woman, or I can get other people to see me as a woman, but not both at the same time.