Shabby Lemmy

2mon

399

Heat pumps -Trans Megathread from October 27th, 2025 to November 2nd, 2025

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Alright writing this from the top of my head but heat pumps are neat and something I'm hoping to work on one day with the rest of the HVAC systems out there. First an overview on some stuff before I get to the why heat pumps are neat.

Refrigerants people know them as freon sometimes but that's a brand refrigerants are the stuff in fridges that make it all work. They are categorized by toxicity and flammability and the reason they're heavily regulated is because of the damage they do to the environment. The main part is the free chlorine that can go on to destroy the ozone layer but after a while that got phased out and now the main concern is their global warming potential. Still despite it all it's their ability to remove heat from a system.

It starts in the compressor which can vary by type but the refrigerant enters it from the suction line as a cooled vapor (idealy only as vapor since liquid refrigerant can damage the compressor though through the use of crankcase heaters and accumulators this can be prevented). The compressor does it's part and compress the low pressure vapor into a high pressure high temperature vapor and leaves out through the discharge line. Out it goes through the discharge line at an ideal higher tempature (not exceeding 225 F) towards the condenser. The condenser is usually known as the heat rejecting part of the refrigerant cycle. Subcooling occurs and turns the hot vapor into a hot liquid an important part for the next part. It leaves through the liquid line towards a metering device (these can vary from fixed to ones that regulate based on tempurature or other means. These regulate and help transfer the refrigerant towards the evaporator where it enters it in a state of vapor mixed with liquid. Here air from the supply side blows over it to cool it down transferring the heat from the air to the refrigerant. The refrigerant is then superheated and converted back into a low pressure low temperature vapor and goes through the suction line back towards the compressor to do it all over again.

Short of is fridge is cool inside because the hot air that leaves it at the bottom but what if we could use that hot air or make frige hot instead? Heat pumps can reverse the refrigerant making the heat rejecting part and heat absorbing parts reversed through the means of a reversing valve. This valve has one line in from the discharge line and three valves on the other side with the middle one always used for the suction line plus the other two outs depending on if it's in heating or cooling mode. The condenser and evaporators no long have to be just outside and inside (another metering device maybe needed based on which unit is now acting as the heat absorbing part).

Heat pumps are ideal for saving energy heating a home since it takes heat outside and brings it in, even in colder climates since their is so much more outside than in it just keeps taking until it can't. Heat pumps start to not work around 0 F so they are paired with other heat sources such as gas or electric in order to meet a homes needs. The balance point is the spot where the heat pump can't meet the needs and switches over to a different source of heating.

The other thing that makes a heat pump different from AC is that the outside door unit is equipped with a defrost mode. Since these units can go below freezing point they do build up frost on the coils so a defrost is needed. These can be sensed from either a thermometer on the coils, be time set, or both. The out door fan will shut down, the compressor will go off and the temperature will go up until the frost is cleared.

On troubleshooting them there are a number of things that can go wrong from leaks to dirty indoor or outdoor units (condensers/evaporators for heating, evaporators/condesors for cooling), air supply issues (dirty filters or something blocking the returning air from going back) low charge to too much charge (refrigerant), electrical issues (contactors, tranformers, relays, capacitors, faulty thermostats) and compressor issues. It's best to figure out what went wrong instead of just assuming you need a new unit or just more charge.

Yeah there's more and this is what I want to make a career of, with a little hope and a lot of luck I'll make it into the hvac system. Everything in hvac is just the refrigeration cycle over and over again so by studying this I hope I can make it and if not at least amused some of you.

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::: spoiler spoiler :::

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HexaSnoot [none/use name] - 2mon

I've had lots of gender repression, both feminine and masculine. I'm realizing I should no longer hold onto my feminity for dear life when I feel more like a guy in the moment. I worry if I get masculine I'll be "on the outside" of feminity again. I don't want to lose either being masc or fem.

::: spoiler CW: topic of transphobia, harm

If you have a video essay, explanation, or something else on my observations on the way my panic manifests, please drop a link or comment.

I think when I'm reminded of my own gender bending and my fear of being hurt for it, I panic. Context: I'm genderfluid and have XX chromosomes. I repress my manly side a lot because I was not allowed to be a girl and was starved of expressing my girly side. Now I realize I'd been starved of autonomy over my manly expression too.

There are times I see very fem men and fem genderfluid people with XY chromosomes, and I think "Beautiful, but oh shit, what if some downpuncher hurts them just for wearing that?"

For some reason I don't panic this way so much about masc women and masc genderfluid people with XX chromosomes.

I'm not sure why I panic this way. I think women being masculine is more accepted with the normalization of "tomboys," while femininity in men is downpunched on by insecure repressed men.

For some reason I dont picture quite as much danger for trans people that stay all the way inside a completely fem box or completely masc box. I feel like they can blend in more to social norms. Maybe because I don't feel it's as gender-bending.

I often think since I have XX chromosomes, I should feel less relatability with men who are fem. But lately I've been wondering if I'm always both a man and a woman at pretty much all times. And maybe I'm scared to be as visibly masculine as a manly man because it would make it more dangerous to be fem at the same time. It's scary to take steps to style myself masculinely. It's like being on the jumping board at a pool, and I will consider jumping or fantasize about doing it, but I'll rarely ever jump. I worry being manly will be losing my feminine expression all over again. I worry how far I can take looking masculine and if I'll end up hurt by a transphobe at some point. In the face of transphobia, would my feminity become out of the question if I figure out how to look like the manliness man? I just want to go full-man in womanly dress or full-woman in manly dress, and be embraced and never hurt for both.

:::

kristina [she/her] - 2mon

yk I haven't asked if anyone here wants to mod in a while, anyone want to? smuglord

gaystyleJoker [she/her] - 2mon

HELLO THIS IS THE MEGA SIGN UP POST/LIST POST

if you have a preferred week please tell me

* after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters

segfault11 [she/her, any] - 2mon

i don’t want to sign up to do the mega but since you asked, my favorite week of the year is the last one (the 52nd week)

BountifulEggnog [she/her] - 2mon

Based and same, always slow at work if I even show up. Often just hang out playing games and watching movies.

rtstragedy2 [she/her, pup/pup's] - 1mon

since everyone is asking me, my worst weeks are the first two weeks of december where i have to be at work bored out of my mind looking busy, best weeks are whatever ones i have off

Kuori [she/her] - 1mon

bottom surgery in an hour aaaaaa

WhoaSlowDownMaurice [they/them, undecided] - 2mon

HVAC installed by a doggirl, call that heat pups

0x2640 - 2mon

rrrraufff :3

meler [she/her, pup/pup's] - 2mon

this girl passed the training for her job today bridget-vibe

the background check is taking a million and a half years to clear though so I'm still not allowed to work yet madeline-sadeline

it's amazing the power 2 bear site mojis have on how cute I feel when I hit send

GenderIsOpSec [she/her, kit/kit's] - 2mon

ikr! garf-chan

I'm going to have to add that one to my repertoire

Arahnya [he/him, fae/faer] - 2mon

Mfw heat pumps

EstraDoll [she/her, he/him] - 2mon

i wish i could get as dominated and destroyed IRL as I am when I'm playing against Hard AI AOE2 bots oooaaaaaaauhhh

TerminalEncounter [she/her] - 2mon

Wish granted, you city will now be invaded by Lithuanian and Frank cavalry until you agree to give them tribute in agricultural labor

cries in Goth mid game

XiaCobolt [she/her] - 2mon

When I was in Highschool at a LAN party, two of my friends and I thought we were good at AOE2, we played versus 5 hard AI bots on Mongolia. They swept us into the bottom corner and about 1/9th of the map, where only the geography of cliffs in our favor and 2 chokepoints we managed to stall them. We were building on top of each other. We had barely any natural resources, so we had to rely only on a few deep in our territory farms and a market from each of us, just far enough to generate a single gold each trip.

I was Teutons, so I built a lot of 10 person watch towers that my melee troops would count as archers and then could swarm out to destroy any rams they sent. Another player was Mongols so they'd move their horse archers forward for short periods, withdrawing before any died. I can't remember the third faction because their special units were basically useless and instead they just used a lot of cheap units like Skirmishers.

The game went for so many hours and we all saved it agreeing to play it again, having only really managed to push once into enemy territory in a raid that nearly spent us.

Good times.

∞ 🏳️‍⚧️Edie [it/its, she/her, fae/faer, love/loves, ze/hir, des/pair, none/use name, undecided] - 2mon

So real. I play AOE3 with family and Moderate is not really a problem, 2? 3? AIs even. But switch to hard and even just one can curbstomp us.

rtstragedy2 [she/her, pup/pup's] - 2mon

y'all have difficulty settings?? wait is that a DE thing?

I guess so? I never looked at the AI before DE but I know they have it in DE

I didn't think that difficulty level 4/6 would be such a hard thing for me though. Even this morning "moderate" AI gave me decently challenging time before I was able to assemble the critical mass of Huskarls

oppa shit my pants

Eyyy sexy lady

"havent you heard the allegations against this random trans woma-"

explodes you with my mind

Wmill [they/them, fae/faer] - 2mon

waow-based

Get this mega to 2 comments and I'll talk about 5G towers in my next mega

lib1 [comrade/them] - 1mon

I like being trans today. No particular reason. Just do

Moss [they/them] - 2mon

I often forgot that I am very much an outlier in the mental health department. The average person is not nearly as mentally ill as me. Why not.

It sounds trite but honestly being well adjusted in this society of climate change, imperialism, genocide, etc is kinda not the right way to be

SwitchyandWitchy [she/her] - 2mon

I really worry about this. I've shared this opinion and I think it was harmful if anything. Normalizing and de-stigmatizing mental illness in a society which cultivates mental illness is good. But being able to exist in that society and experience joy and optimism is also good, and I think something that we need to try to understand the causes of and spread to each other.

we can all contribute to make the average cis person as bad off as us bridget-yoyo-walk

but yes i understand what you mean, it really does feel like cis people are living on a different planet

The only thing worse than being unemployed is being employed

XiaCobolt [she/her] - 1mon

When I was in highschool I read this piece. It might have been standalone. It might have been an excerpt from a book. It was written ostensibly by a cis woman. She said how when she was in highschool she felt something was imperceptibly wrong with her life. She started fantasizing that she had some dark traumatic event in her past. That when friends, teachers etc found out they'd go "She is so strong", "how does she persevere" etc She once told her friend who had had something bad happen to them and they were like "what the fuck are you talking about? Why would you want that?". So she never brought it up again. Now that piece stuck with me for a really long time. Because I had that exact feeling.

Because I was trans (and neurodivergent) for fucks sake.

BountifulEggnog [she/her] - 1mon

The feeling of your best cis ally repeatedly telling you her trans friend's deadname. Second best doesn't think dysphoria is real and that I should wait until I'm like 30 to transition.

:doomjak:

SwitchyandWitchy [she/her] - 1mon

I'm sorry, those aren't allies they just want to think they are catgirl-disgust cuddle

HexaSnoot [none/use name] - 1mon

Are they doing it without correcting themselves?

One time I accidentally dead named someone. It was the first person in a social circle of mine to be newly and openly trans. I was quiet for a few minutes, and then asked them if they prefer me to correct my mistake immediately or just be quiet and pretend the awkward moment didn't happen. They said always do the first, the second is worse.

Maybe your cis ally needs to hear this? If they're really trying to be an ally, I mean.

When I met him, his name was [deadname], but he asked me to call him [real name] and now, that is who he lives as

which is uh family-guy-death-pose pretty bad now that I read it again. She's generally been very supportive so I'm hoping its just ignorance. I told her it was hurtful to share people's deadnames but she never responded to that part. Not sure if she's planning to talk to me about it next time I see her or just quietly accepted it.

When the person I accidentally deadnamed freshly started transitioning to she/her, people in my circle would say in stories "when *new name was a still a guy, he..." and it was all so new to me. I didn't know what to say.

One day I decided, she was probably always a she, even if she didn't know it. And I started saying that when people told me old stories about her.

I still haven't asked her if that's true. Does it matter that I ask? Did I make the right decision on how to get people to stop saying "he/him" in reference to her before her transition?

Yea, you always use current pronouns unless the person tells you something otherwise. Also a difference between her saying that and someone else saying it. I think you made the right call sticking up for her and saying what you did.

TerminalEncounter [she/her] - 1mon

Why 30???? wtf, I was plenty old enough in my late 20s. Dysphoria isnt real to someone who doesnt think of it that way, but also cis people get dysphoria all the time. They get plastic surgery, laser hair removal, muscle implants, hair implants, surgeries to correct pectus excavatum, etc. They aren't happy when they're misgendered, I dunno how many times my coworkers whined when they got referred to with a non binary they/them in a form email. They just dont live in it like we do cause it's more infrequent. I guarantee your friend has had gender dysphoria but refuses to put that label on it

It isnt cool to tell people other peoples' deadnames with the ONLY exceptions being legal or medical stuff and like we're talking dire fucking life or death style circumstances. Like some critical information is on a chart in their dead name or whatever, or I guess if they get something legally important in the mail and its under a dead name. Ive met back up people who I knew in high school and I would be like "oh yeah you probably knew me by a different name" and they didnt ask and were pretty resistant to me saying which is the best attitude in a cis person Ive encountered about my dead name

She didn't necessarily give an age, but told me I should go to college, "discover myself", get a career, etc, and then start hrt. Which uh, puts me at least in my late 20s. She's literally had top surgery too (removal, butch lesbian). (probably could have been more clear about her in the original post but was mostly upset about person 1). She also thinks hrt can cause your body to stop producing any hormones. Very hard time with her tbh.

Yea I know :/ I told her it was hurtful- she didn't respond to that part of my text. I might see her on Saturday so I'm not sure if maybe she'll try and explain herself then? Or if she just quietly accepted it.

So she might have had her own dealing with dysphoria and says it ain't real - unless it was a double mastectomy for like BRCA genes or whatever. You can discover yourself at 12 years old and know youre trans. I wouldn't put any time limits or gatekeeping on it, thats just dumb. Itd be nice if medical services can engage as soon as a person cracks their egg rather than saying "nope you haven't met the official criteria for starting, criteria not based on empirical medical scientific knowledge but one person's vibes based guess" lol.

Also cis men and cis women are the number one users of HRT 🙄 fuck off with that. Theyre on E and T all the time.

I'm not really too sure what to make of her, either way she seems happy enough. She said it was just what she wanted and was done dealing with back pain.

Yea I know luffy-exhausted very tiring dealing with some of her takes. She also doesn't listen very well. But its whatever, she's chill other then that.

She also thinks hrt can cause your body to stop producing any hormones. Very hard time with her tbh.

Is this at all true? I heard the body returns to it's original state if you stop HRT.

I know if your transfem and on either kind of hrt for long enough, they can stop producing significant amounts of T even if you stop. Its a long time though from what I remember. Other hormones though, like insulin and melatonin no that's just nonsense. I'm less familiar with Ts effect on ovaries.

Also some changes are definitely permanent, like breasts from E etc.

inTheShadowOf [she/her] - 1mon

~~Waiting~~
~~Get better insurance~~
Get up to date health records <--
Schedule consult
Electrolysis (and more waiting)

Time marches on...

up with trans

SexUnderSocialism [she/her] - 2mon

Up with trans.

Disaster_of_Passion [kit/kit's, she/her] - 2mon

Up with trans

MusicOwl [comrade/them, sie/hir] - 2mon

SuperZutsuki [they/them] - 2mon

6 inch pumps make me feel so hot and powerful, and the ladies love them catgirl-smug

lilypad [it/its, pup/pup's] - 2mon

Yesssss heelgang rise up (literally)! Im still learning to walk in my 12-13cm pumps, is very hard but im getting there

My feet were very unhappy after a few hours in my 15cm (with 5cm platform) pumps last night. I am definitely not a heels all day girly, my feet can't take it.

Ive got some 10cm heel boots (no platform) that work alright for my feet, but theyre comfy with block heels. Stilletos take more care and balance im finding.

Also how steep it is from heel to toe. A more gentle slope is easier on the feet.

Yeah. The 12-13cm stillettos are steeeeep. But practice is paying off

this took me too long to parse, I was still thinking about heat pumps, was wondering what kind of COP you were getting out of something that small...

some asshole 200 years ago said "men's fashion should be boring and ugly because men are so smart they should only wear "practical" garments" and centuries later and men still dress awful because of it and i fucking hate it

Even the 1800s had some neat fashion and men had to wear a variety of hats until like the 1960s. After that it's all band tees and blue jeans or a suit if you wanna be fancy

I was always jealous of girls fashion growing up and as a man, anyway turns out I was just a woman lol

the hat game was so goooooood men what the fuck get some drip pls this is embarrassing catgirl-disgust

Men need to take a cue from birds and get colorful and weird with it

Carcharodonna [she/her] - 2mon

Men’s fashion used to be so much better and someone needs to figure out what the hell is going on

RION [she/her] - 1mon

Email administrator of a local transfem group to ask some questions

Take great pains to ensure I don't use my real name for opsec, using a secondary email and just initials for the contact name

Respond to their response in haste

Gmail decides to send the response from my main email address which contains my full name and uses my full name for the contact name

Incredible

sodium_nitride [she/her, any] - 2mon

I am going to "take" a "spiritual retreat". I will not be "posting" for a "week", or "scrolling" any of the "platforms".

Uh, fuck. This does not apply to me making a post about asking for the optimal timing of starting to take progesterone. That post will come soon.

peanutbuttercupola [she/her] - 2mon

It might not even matter - we have a dearth of anything but anectodes on the subject.

The common rec is 1 year, after buds have started. But its up to you.

I have a friend who swears her breast size was limited by starting prog too early, and maybe theres something to that. Maybe. But when I look at pictures of her family... shes pretty much on track for the general rule of about a cup size less than the cis women in her family. She just doesnt have big boobs genes, which is fine but I know its super frustrating. On the other hand her skin in gorgeous and she looks like shes 15 years younger than she actually is, so trade offs.

Lord_ofThe_FLIES [she/her, they/them] - 2mon

there is no evidence of it being dangerous or hindering feminisation apart from some side effects people get, so if you wanna try do it! There´s also no evidence of it actually helping with feminisation, it seems to mostly help with sleep (especially if taken orally) and sometimes libido. You would want to be on E for a couple months just so you know which side effects are from E and which are form prog though

Ceres [she/her] - 2mon

The anecdote i share often in case its helpful is that my sense of smell almost fully disappeared after starting HRT. The timing was right for it to also be caused by developing me/cfs which is more likely the cause, but regardless progesterone was able to mostly restore it (it fluctuates based on hormone stuff but way better than without it). So I guess thats a possible incredibly important benefit of it. (It also seems to stabilize my mood + the common sleep benefits and other things).

yell at us if u see us

Bolshechick [she/her, it/its] - 1mon

I bought a Japanese maid outfit a bit ago, with cat ears and everything. And maybe it's a bit stereotypical, but I feel so pretty and powerful :3

Hestia [she/her, fae/faer] - 1mon

HOLY FUCKING SHIT I'M PAYING MY BILLS

ON TIME

WHAT THE FUCK I FEEL SO POWERFUL

LET'S IGNORE ALL THE DEBT COLLECTORS I'M IGNORING I GOT THE IMPORTANT SHIT TAKEN CARE OF.

YeltsinHitByABus @lemmygrad.ml - 2mon

Me reading Yuri: How don't they see they both are madly in love with each other??? It's so obvious!

Me IRL: Huh this person keeps complimenting and flirting with me, surley they just do this to everyone. :clueless:

Literally was told "You're so hot!" multiple times by the same person over just a few hours and my brain was like, "That's so nice of them to say." There are plans for hanging out in the near future, though, so...

WalrusDragonOnABike [they/them] - 2mon

I've been told by a friend (whom I had a crush/squish on) that she'd date me after someone else asked if we were dating and I still feel like she was just being nice.

YEUP

The number of times my bestie told me someone was hitting on me is, well it's not huge since I'm not that social. But it's wayyyy larger than the number of times that I've recognized it myself over the same period.

Maybe if I read more Yuri I'll realize eventually...

WHY SAPPHICS WHYYYYY

EstraDoll [she/her, he/him] - 1mon

being trans feels like I have two genders. Gender (Simplified) and Gender (Traditional)

one is way more accurate and detailed but whenever the cissies are around I have to use my boring "she/her binary trans woman" simplified shit around them and I can't use my full gender unless I'm around other queer people

Fuck yeah https://www.abc.net.au/news/2025-10-28/qld-puberty-blockers-ban-overturned-by-court/105942094?future=true

Queensland reinstates puberty blocker ban hours after supreme court overturns it

Nothing good ever happens

Oh shit missed that. Ah the article I linked actually updated with that.

::: spoiler at this moment on the emotion wheel i am feeling

lonely
powerless
disillusioned
inadequate
inferior
helpless

Lets see what tomorrow brings ig?

::: spoiler spoiler I like how both real life and the internet have the capacity to make me incredibly miserable

Thinking my issue is just life in general tbh :::

cat-trans

My life's a movie? No, my life's a cartoon. There's some new wacky antics every week and it all somehow returns to the status quo by the end of it

technology connections explaining the refrigeration cycle for the 17th time,,,,,,

It must be ingrained in my heart and soul

One of my fav yt channels, somehow I didn't even think of them when I saw the mega picard

::: spoiler spoiler Feel the negativity bubbling

Why the fuck :::

i wish i had a halloween party to dress up in a slutty costume at sadness

Reading my journal is like listening to Jazz, it's more about the entries I don't write.

*Shows up to the mega in a pair of heels with hand warmers in them* Got my heat pumps!

Dream journaling ::: spoiler spoiler Dreamt I saw my dead cat Rosa, I think she finally moved on. I've gotten dreams of her whenever I was feeling weak and the dream that turned everything around was when I had to carry her far on some journey. I resolved myself to become strong for that day and now I think I might be. She wasn't moving in the dream I think her mission was done. I've been consistent with pulling my life together and becoming the rock my family needs. I still got growing to do but I think this means I'm ready for whatever is to come. :::

See you space cowgirl

This park I'm at has a lake near it so it's so damn misty, making everything damp rn 😭

Best spirit guide kitty Rosa cuddle

Wmill [they/them, fae/faer] - 1mon

She is was and will always be the 🐐

meler [she/her, pup/pup's] - 1mon

A girl treated me like a girl in a conversation today. Idk what exactly it was but it felt really nice. Almost everyone I talk to treats me like a girl in the sense that they use my name and pronouns. But there was something extra that idk how to describe

::: spoiler spoiler This isn't you, but I love binary trans men that do drag or femme up a little. Same thing with trans tom boys (as in trans femme but tom boy). Adore!

You can be both, I dont see any problem with expressing gender fuckery. Maybe it feels riskier to you to present more masc than it does for you to present more femme? You dont have to lose your feminity if you wanna express masculinity or total non binary or androgyny. I suppose it may feel riskier if its more a safety thing and you have an easier time passing binary femme. :::

It's so beautiful! When it comes to a genderfluid person with XY chromosomes, I'm very inspired by Sam Smith dressing up in flashy gowns. At times I want to be both, a stereotypically masc person that looks like I have XY chromosomes, and a flashy glamorous one too. I cannot afford many aspects of their glamour, but I definitely desire it.

I worry someone's gonna use me enjoying masc expression as an excuse to gatekeep feminity from me all over again. "I guess you'll wear ONLY boys clothing, see we were right to not treat you like a real girl." The messaging I got a lot in childhood from my household was "No, youre JUST a boy because you're not a real girl." I had to fight so hard for my fem expression as a way to fight to state that I'm a real human and therefore have all the right to dress and express that I'm a girl. Masculinity was used to dehumanize me before, so I'm trying to form a new relationship with masculinity in a way that's fully under my autonomy. It's scary to choose masculinity almost everyday. I've only walked out the house in masc attire a few times.

Thankfully I moved out a while back. I have to learn that, nowadays, no one in my current household gatekeeps me from my masc or fem expression now, and they highly encourage my masc expression. Home is safe. Outside, idk.

::: spoiler So this is kind of the HR meme but I started a job where I do outreach two locations. When I started I wasn't out as a trans woman. I came out like a month into working at my work but it didn't really get communicated to the outreach sites (CW misgendering) And I have been accidentally misgendered by receptionists at both recently. But at one site they are a Zoomer just old enough to have a job and the other it's a Gen-Xer. And I'm not really even that annoyed by the Zoomer, because meeting them I'm sure their approach is "Hey it's cool Xia is a man who wears dresses, make up and long hair, gender is a construct. Slay!" and the other is probably like "Xia is some kind of [f-slur]". I have fixed it since then of course at both places. :::

Happy Halloweeeeen 👻🧛‍♀️🎃

::: spoiler dysphoria It's a weird feeling when I see myself. Looking at myself as almost an outside observer, I think I look nice. Like I like how I look. I think I'm pretty cute. I definitely look trans but I also don't think there's anything wrong with that. I don't really have anything where when I look at myself, I dislike what I see. I get compliments when I go out and meet people sometimes too. I really like what estrogen has done to my face so far and am excited, if anything, to see what continues to change as I stay on the juice.

But at the same time there's this... Other thing that haunts me every time I look in a mirror. And I'm not really sure how to describe it. It's almost like a historical pain. Like when I see myself I can't help but see the person I used to be. The person my friends don't see anymore but that I'll never forget being. The person my family still sees. There's nothing really that I hate about my body except that it was inhabited for 23 years by a guy.

It's like I can be out and about feeling good about myself and then take a look at myself and just see the person I hated being.

It's complicated I guess. In the same breath that I can say that I'm happy to be trans and take pride in it, I can also say I hate the part of myself that was once a man. :::

grym [she/her, comrade/them] - 1mon

I struggle with that too.

::: spoiler spoiler There's different approaches to this as Terminal said and they're all valid and personal, personally I try to accept that I was a dude, more or less. And I try to see him less as an intruder, remains i want to bury, and more as a small part of me that did it's job. You did it buddy, you hanged in there, you held strong for 30 years and masked, hid, disassociated, and all those things, so I could be.

I sometimes see him in there in the mirror, and at first I hated it, but now I just kinda mentally wave and say "hey thanks man". He's still me, an old me, a mask, but also a mental helper or even a guardian. The shit he went through, he did it to survive. He's here to protect me, he's also the self-conscious myself-looking-at-myself voice, the automatic "watch out, other men will see this as gay/effeminate/weird" sense, etc. And that can suck and be mostly anxiety, but it doesn't have to be bad, trauma responses can be healed. So if I only see it as a tool, as an advice from someone that may be a little over-protective, it's just there, sometimes it's useful.

So I guess i'm working to neutralize the bad parts, and keep the good or neutral ones. I accept that who I pretended to be for 30 years was still me in many ways. I can't pretend it's a stranger, or that it's gone, so i'm doing my best to love myself including those parts. :::

That's a really beautiful way of thinking about it. I'm stealing all of that for me

cuddle

::: spoiler spoiler That sucks :( plenty of people think of it like they were always a woman. If it helps, you can think of it thay way too. You were always a woman and a girl but no one believed it, including yourself maybe, cof a while.

Personally, Ive never had trouble reconciling my past living as a boy and a man. I mightve yearned to be a girl a lot, I mightve worn a lot of drag. There were plenty of signs I was trans. But I have no problem accepting that part amd connecting it to me now. Different name, different gender, same me. I guess I don't imbue it with much meaning that I did live like that? And I have a lot of trust in my gut and in my femininity and myself that yeah I am a woman no matter the circumstances.

Anyway, the feeling your feeling sounds like gender dysphoria. :::

::: spoiler spoiler

plenty of people think of it like they were always a woman

I don't really want to think of it this way tbh. It doesn't really feel accurate to me. Yeah there were signs as far back as I can remember that a part of me wanted to be a girl, but I really do see it as me becoming a girl as soon as I realized I wanted to be one.

I don't think I have a problem with having a history as a guy as much as it's like I used to hate myself a lot more than I do now, and whenever I see myself I'm reminded that I'm still the person I hated. :::

Commenting on new mega so I can get to it easier in the morning

Doing things is nice. I started playing Escape from Duckov (single player extraction shooter, 2d top down view) and building one of my 1/8 scale (clone) lego cars. Did 1/4 sets of bags, maybe I'll post a pic tomorrow or talk more about the game. But I need to go to bed.
::: spoiler spoiler Still very sad feeling tbh :::

GenderIsOpSec [she/her, kit/kit's] - 1mon

ugh dysphoria hitting hard today, fucking mirrors i hate them

SorosFootSoldier [he/him, they/them] - 2mon

I would definitely get fangs AND elf ears if I could. Kinda like those deer that dont have antlers but instead have fangs

biggest issue with fangs irl (people get veneers for them for permanent fangs) is your mouth isnt really designed for them so it ends up hurting your teeth over time

i actually know someone that got a surgery to give themselves pointed elf-earsish and it took them like 4 years to be able to sleep on their side again cause their ears kept getting pinched trans-sad they look fun tho, they got the ears pierced looks very unique

Maybe I can just lose my canines and have them be remodeled with hot swappable fangs or regular human canines...

Washburn [she/her] - 1mon

::: spoiler CW: homophobia/transphobia

I'm looking at apartments with my girlfriend, referring to her as my girlfriend, but all the property managers call her my roommate '-'

::: spoiler CW transphobia/deadnaming I'm like 90% sure that we were rejected from one because the property manager is a shithead because they were cool until I submitted the application (with my deadname on it) and then they deadnamed me in the rejection :/

Oh shit my building is actually on fire

At least they sent the handsome fire fighters

My goal today was to leave the house before sunrise. I ended up making it to work before sunrise!

Leaving before first light was really nice, I got to see the sun slowly rise on my commute. I wish we had good public transit so that I could just sit back and watch the sky instead of being blinded by lifted trucks while I drive.

Disaster_of_Passion [kit/kit's, she/her] - 1mon

::: spoiler kink tall muscle girl sub x short soft domme is this anything :::

I'm so past by bedtime writing this but I promised I would catgirl-flop

::: spoiler some dysphoria stuff I had a dream I was wearing a pretty dress and everyone said I was pretty... I have so much trouble dressing fem irl due to difficulty finding clothes for my body shape etc.

But it was nice for a bit to be treated like a woman and not an "other" which is how I fear that people see me irl (and tbh I present very "tomboyish" for lack of a better term, wearing fem clothes line pretty tops or anything except jeans stresses me out, fantasy is better than reality haha) :::

People need to stop asking me what I'm doing this weekend, if I'm going to any parties

Like no I'm not :kitty-cri:

I have to work this weekend :(

I did get Halloween off, so Ill probably go for it but I definitely dont have plans

Des [she/her, they/them] - 1mon

nowhere to go but it's halloween kind of want to dress up like a sexy demon since i have some horns

shallot [she/her] - 2mon

Wow agar really works well as a substitute for gelatin. I’m not surprised, but I am glad to see that it worked.

In this case I used it in tofu au vin to make up for the lack of meat/bone.

Should also work well for mao style braised tofu I bet.

Liv Agar?

agar-agar it's a vegan gelatin replacement, amongst other things. it comes from algae and is very effective

Okay, injection day Friday. 5th shot, almost a month in. ::: spoiler changes Should probably start journalling this privately but shrug-outta-hecks
Able to cry more, but it hasn't felt as random or needless. Maybe I just got lucky this week. Libido/sex stuff is starting to change which is very welcome. Hoping that keeps getting better which I think it should. Also nipples are starting to be a little more sensitive (compared to the literal nothing pre hrt), I know they're going to get more so, excited but am a bit nervous being closeted still. Hoping so hard I can stay the course and stay closeted another year. :::

Down with cis.

Down with cis

down with cis

::: spoiler content warning: questions about surgery. brief discussion of sex. stupid jokes mixed in to try and defuse the awkwardness of talking about body parts. so i got asked this past week if i wanted full or partial depth vaginoplasty. they didn't want a commitment but i guess i should have asked them to go over the risk/benefits of one vs the other.

back in my day there wasn't all these cool and nifty options so i always just thought that one day when i had some kind of stability in my life i'd get fixed but now i'm getting hit with all this stuff like "determine your ideal canal depth to the precision of a 16th of an inch" should i like measure my bf or...?

anyway for real though all i know about partial depth right now is "less recovery time" and maybe something about them not having to cut into some pelvic muscle that takes a long time to heal but i may have invented that. how partial is partial, anyway? what activities are off limits?

i've been expecting the traditional "be unable to walk properly for like 2-3 months, hours a day of maintenance in the first couple months" stuff since i've had friends go through it etc. but idk if that time could be cut down and i could be in less pain without losing the ability to at least have people put things inside me that'd be cool. :::

::: spoiler spoiler Do you want to have penetrative sex using your vagina with toys or a partner with a phallus? If yes, you should get full depth and go from there (the cavity will shrink if you dont dilate and take care of it). If no, partial or zero depth is plenty.

Sounds like you want to have fun with penetration. You should go full depth. :::

::: spoiler spoiler Yeah that sounds like the way. I don't suppose you know the difference re. typical recovery times etc? I won't talk to a surgeon for like 4-6 months lol :::

::: spoiler spoiler A friend of mine had a recovery of like a few weeks for zero depth vaginopladty, but shes also on disability so she didnt have to worry about work. I dated a girl who went through full depth and the first 2 to 3 months were pretty brutal but she was back to work after that. We couldnt have penetrative sex until much later after that - but I can report she would self lubricate and it felt like any birth vagina Ive been with lol :::

2 to 3 months were pretty brutal but she was back to work after that.

yeah they quoted me about 8-12 weeks but as a measure of my entire life that's not so bad!

but I can report she would self lubricate and it felt like any birth vagina Ive been with lol

neat... I love science... :::

::: spoiler spoiler Well fwiw HRT will change your skin flora and sweat and a whole bunch of stuff after enough time. Ive been with plenty of pre op and non op girls who tasted and smelled ike vagina, which was wild the first time but it makes sense I guess. :::

As someone with a vagina my whole life, you do not want pain from a penis that's too long or thick. It's best to be too loose and not be felt by the penis haver, than too tight and in pain. And it's better to never have your bf to reach the end of the tunnel, than to have the end of it painfully hit a bunch.

Don't choose to be what's fetishized by many penis havers to be "too tight" or "too shallow." Their ego will never be worth sacrificing your comfort. If it's penetrative sex, don't choose just based on your current bf. Choose based on what's comfortable for you, hopefully no matter who you sleep with. Especially if there's possibility of injury at stake post-healing. (Only said that just in case. Idk if there's a possibility of injury post-healing. Does anyone know about that part?)

About half done with my latest car, its a 1/8 scale race car from CADA. Some kind of Chinese F1 car I think. Two sheets of stickers oh-shit

::: spoiler politics My mom is a lot better then dad but the other day she felt the need to remind me of "her side" and asking why dems hadn't passed the budget bill. Trump voter ofc. god I hate remembering how much these people support fucking me over. :::

I need to start thinking up more things to post bc I really like getting nice comments doggirl-cry

nearly said "yeag" in the work chat, teetering on disaster

I don't know if I'm too online or not online enough to have been aware of this trend.

sodium_nitride [she/her, any] - 1mon

Last Post of the day:

This image shakes my faith in heterosexuality.

I'm kinda sick and tired of being in education, having to do constant "exercises" with no productive application. The word "module" gives me the same ick that people get from hearing the default alarm sounds.

The heavens of course have their sense of humour. As a way to relax my mind, my psychologist has assigned me exercises. They are packaged into modules. It is all available on an online portal ... just like my studies are.

bipp [she/her] - 2mon

My doctor had me start on prog as soon as I started HRT and now at about 9 months in, I'm wondering if that was a good choice or not? I wish there was better research on this topic but it seems like no one knows anything concrete about it. I developed breast buds and I'm starting to fill out so idk if it hindered anything but I can't stop second guessing?

I brought it up to her during our last appointment and she said it was fine and that lots of people start prog when they start estradiol and spiro but like... I don't seem to see many of those people in the wild so idk? I feel like if it was gonna hurt breast development, I'm already too far in, but I think things are going fine there so far and I'm OK with not having big boobs I guess. I don't know what to do blob-no-thoughts

The problem is there's not enough info as you say. Prog is meant to be good for breast development the concern is if it is too early the breast shape might be more tubular but even then that's mostly speculative.

Yeah exactly, the lack of information is rough. I'm leaning towards keeping on as I have been because I feel like whatever's gonna happen is gonna happen either way. I just get a tinge of discomfort when I see people talking about how they couldn't even get a prescription until a year in or something. Like I'm doing something wrong idk. It seems like I'm progressing at a pretty normal rate right now, like my chest was really tender and sore for quite some time (less sore now) and there's definitely some growth so maybe I'm just stressing myself out over nothing thonk

My vote is also to just keep going, most start at a year and I don't think it makes sense to pause for 3 months.

A lot of people can't get effective doses of hrt for a long time through doctors, the scripts I've seen are just disgusting. So don't stress about not doing what doctors rec because a lot of the time it's shit.

bipp [she/her] - 1mon

That's a good point. Thanks for the perspective!

Lord_ofThe_FLIES [she/her, they/them] - 1mon

prog probably doesn´t do anything for boobs, it mostly makes you sleepy by metabolising into allopregnanolone. You can take it if you want, it´s not dangerous, the only good reason to wait is so you know what effects are from prog and which are from E. The tubular breast thing and the breast plate fusion stuff are complete horseshit a british doctor made up

crosswind [they/them, she/her] - 1mon

My mom was happy to take me shopping for new clothes, and since we went, has been asking to do it again. Recently, I mentioned that I could use some help paying for HRT. She got uncomfortable, and said it sounded like I shouldn't have a problem affording that. Then she offered to take me shopping again, and I get the impression she was offering to pay more than the amount I said my next HRT appointment would cost.

It sure feels like she's hiding having a problem with my transition, but it would be nice if there was another explanation. I'd love to hear other peoples thoughts and experiences. It would be difficult and probably not helpful to ask her about it directly.

had a weird dream of me helping out an elf lady plant some trees. also there was like a party but everyone had to remove their party clothes and be in their underwear when we left? i dunno it was weird but i was definitely a woman catgirl-heart

Update: OW

Very disappointing there's no trans women in my support group. Second session the leader literally (unprompted) said not to worry and there were people more like me but they still haven't shown up. It's been like 4 or 5 weeks now.

It feels like people like me don't exist. I'm sure somewhere in the wide world there's people like me, who are this way and feel like me. I'm not sure they exist in real life though. I feel so alien and alone.

I hope they come, its always nice to see people like you either going through the same thing at the stage you are or ahead of you in the same path.

Why does this cup sizing scheme look like it was made a drunk guy slurring letters on a keyboard?

In b4 lock

lilypad [it/its, pup/pup's] - 1mon

Anxiety goes hard. That is all.

heat pumps yessssss :3

hehe im early :3

amberfromambermeme [none/use name] - 2mon

my gf is flying across the country to visit meeee :D

i miss her so much and im so excited

hungrybread [comrade/them] - 2mon

How do y'all deal with things like imposter syndrome/self doubt? I've been circling around gender affirming care for a long time, with a pretty constant ebb and flow of "this is totally it" and "nah, definitely not trans." When I had a particularly high "this is totally it" moment a few months ago I made an appointment to discuss with a provider, but have fallen back into the "nah, probably not" side in the last few weeks, which made the appointment a little weird. I was able to get a patch, and even slapped it on today, but the doubt & anxiety is super strong atm.

It probably doesn't help that I'm in my 30s and don't really have a strong direction or goal for treatment. It mostly boils down to wanting my brain chemistry to not suck ass, which is probably a non-small chunk of where the doubt comes from. Pretty proud of myself for going through with getting the medication and using it but can't help but worry that I could be making additional turmoil / stress unnecessarily because I'm like grasping at straws for something to help me figure out why my brain is always fucked or something.

i had similar feelings when i first started... i think the only thing that fixes it is time and trying new things.

It can be hard to tell but yea I went through the exact same feelings. I'm also in my 30s, started transitioning ~2 years ago, ~1 year HRT.

I also went through high ups and low downs, very strong doubt about everything, hesitated. I started making slow plans and sticking to them, following what "felt right" despite my own thoughts. Like, even if I doubted a lot, i would try to remember or keep track of when I had felt good/better about myself and do more of that, but it's tough for me to know how I feel in the moment and I usually feel things with lag.

WalrusDragonOnABike [they/them] - 1mon

At the time I was prescribed HRT, I was super excited by it, but by the time I got it, I felt pretty dissociated and didn't really feel like I wanted it. I just relied on my judgement from before and started and continued. Its been over 1.5 years since then, and I still frequently have brief moments of doubt, but they're pretty easily dispelled given how happy I am with the changes (I think the song "I Think I Finally Love Myself" by She/Her/Hers also conveys a similar message)

Your second paragraph is super relatable. I spent 2 years worrying before deciding the only way I'd make any progress is to try things out. At the time I decided I would try HRT very soon, I felt like "I could tolerate the tiny bit of breast development to might happen trying it out for 3 months." Not sure when that turned into just wanting more growth.

lib1 [comrade/them] - 2mon

No amount of ruminating will replace good ‘ol experimentation. For me, the back and forth stopped once I finally started HRT. Someone told me that you start to feel psychological effects within weeks but it takes months for the permanent effects to start. That was enough for me. I could always just stop if I wanted to. And I never wanted to. It’s now as important as my ADHD meds to my mental wellbeing.

what if i made everyone here a mod

Oops all mods

Thought I had a solid bit for this but my brain got some wires crossed and it was not a good bit.

Assigned Mod at Bear

Please no

You can't have a Chinese webnovel without someone turning into a girl.

It's so peak chopper-cry

They knew what they were doing.

::: spoiler spoiler And it worked.

I had her as a teammate a few games ago and she asked for gold (before I even knew she would call me pet)... and maybe I started purposefully making her a teamate in the next games shy :::

Haven't posted about my boobs in a while, but I love them so much! There're growing nicely and I feel proud. The shape is still off but that will be fixed ... I think.

SickSemper [she/her, they/them] - 1mon

Even without e yet, just accepting I’m a girl has made me more comfortable in my body. I’m smiling a lot more, I like how I look in the mirror, I’m not repulsed by my closet I just try and look like a masc lesbian, I see potential where before it was just hopelessness and acceptance. My partner and I have been doing skincare and it really makes me feel and look better (shocker!). Being a girl is a lot of work, but I actually care about how I come across now, so I enjoy the effort rather than just ignoring taking care of myself entirely.

Now a question for the class: is there a point to starting on sublingual if I’m a large (6+ ft 200+ lbs) individual? I know everyone’s bodies are different and so far, I basically thought I would start on the pill. However, the shot propaganda has been working and even though I don’t want to rush the first years, I’m wondering if I’d be hampering my progress by starting on the pill

we have heat pump here and I was unable to believe that it was 4 degrees outside until I opened the front door this morning, it's always surprising how much more comfortable it is than the baseboards were.

it's cheaper too but not as much as we expected, #1 we got a damn samsung because that was all that was available in our area in 2021. And #2 apparently efficiency is lower when you get a multihead unit because the minimum BTU is higher for the outdoor unit, meaning there is no "low" setting for output, just "medium" and "wow that's hot it's -7 outside??". Since the ideal spot for heat pumps appears to be "running all the time at the lowest setting possible" a high minimum output leads to more cycling as it over-heats the area, or at least that's my theory.

Hell yeah a heat pump believer staying toasty comfy

good job having heat pump

thanks, good job having other things instead I'm sure

thanks, it's nice

Moss [they/them] - 1mon

I don't want to be this kind of animal anymore (employed)

Florn [they/them] - 1mon

It feels like the more I try and fail, the harder it gets to try

@gaystyleJoker@hexbear.net please lock until tomorrow ty

Eco [she/her, he/him] - 2mon

@gaystyleJoker@hexbear.net hello

kirby-wave

how's it goin

I don't care that you weren't talking to me I'm ok thanks bored at work

good job not being at work anymore

well that's not true I'm at work right now

good job being at work now

I am at lunch actually

please pretend i actually did it

I've been watching star trek voyager in the evenings. I've only ever seen the show one other time. It's a weird feeling watching a star trek show and not knowing immediately what's going to happen by the first 3 minutes of every episode like I can do with TNG

Goodmorning mega! kirby-wave

Went to a queer event today, had a great bit where my handbag looks like an old school rotary phone. Whenever I got a compliment, I’d lift the handset, which was connected to my smart phone inside, pretend to answer a call, say “actually it’s for you”, hit the answer button which would play Goodluck Babe by Chappell Roan and hand it to them. Everybody loved it.

::: spoiler idk weird?

Bluey keeps making me cry. The kiddos all are kind to each other, and make sure theyre ok, and when they hurt each other they make sure theyre ok. And they do nice things for each other. It hurts to watch it sometimes.

SickSemper [she/her, they/them] - 2mon

I know laser/electrolysis is the end goal, but are there any recommendations for decent hair trimmers/epilators to use in the meantime?

You can get a closer shave doing it manually than with an electric shaver. You're probably better off saving the extra money for for laser/electrolysis if you want those in the future.

Boo manual takes so long! I figured but thank you for the reply

Are we talking face or body? Got a mini foil shaver for my face that looks like lipstick and fits nicely in my purse, which is nice for touchups or when I just don't have time for a manual shaver. There are a bunch out there like it I think. It looks like this

I also just got a trimmer/shaver combo for my body since I'm prone to ingrowns in some areas if I shave too close with a manual razor. Though I don't want to recommend that one yet cause I haven't used it yet.

This is perfect for the face for sure. Thank you comrade

Any time cat-trans

I think the one electric razor I've seen most commonly recommended is the Phillips Oneblade. I use a double-edge safety razor when I can, but I have a oneblade for when I don't have the energy for totally manual and for some body hair. I've tried out a few electric razors and the oneblade is pretty easily the best I've had, you're probably never gonna get the same level of smoothness from an electric as you can from a de but the oneblade gets pretty close. It's around $50 USD iirc.

Boo manual takes so long!

for me at least even using an electric doesn't take a shorter amount of time, it's mostly just like a focus and energy thing

epilation might make your hair less receptive to laser so you´re better off shaving

I’m realizing this. I’ll just have to eat the tedium of over a decade of built up body hair

Well I definitely slept longer last night. That's good at least.

I was stressing a lot about my exams, but this one turned out to be super easy.

Also, my nails are very distracting. If they were black I think I would have gotten used to them. But I intentionally choose a color that would stand out, and now they're standing out catgirl-cry

might be time to log off for awhile

How down bad and touch starved am I?

I was on the bus, my shoulder was touching this guy and it felt pretty nice and I was kinda happy about it. Then I fell asleep and when I woke up, we were still touching and he was sleeping next to me. Before falling asleep, he was reading a book.

Ceres [she/her] - 1mon

::: spoiler mental health and anxiety I constantly feel like theres a million little ways im lucky, that if any of them went differently I wouldnt have been able to manage the things I just barely get done in time in the last however many years, and things would be a lot worse, which makes me constantly paranoid about some little thing being my downfall. And then feeling silly for it cause im in a good situation all things considered and have supports and ugh. :::

the good news is I think I've made a new vegan (!) friend. Itd be my first vegan (and ethically too) friend that I've made since becoming vegan 6 years ago, and its been rough not knowing others till now.

Tommasi [she/her, pup/pup's] - 2mon

doggirl-hi

Walking around town dazed and confused, when I get asked if I'm alright I simply ask them what year it is

Why the fuck did I make a section bold idk I typed it late and fell asleep pls no one assume I'm shouting

You should leave it, its funny

Its cuz there isnt an empty line between the paragraph and the ------- below. So it becomes a heading.

I pray for some clouds tomorrow, gonna take a nap in the bed of my truck tomorrow maybe around noon. My classes at night for HVAC going good but gonna get 5 hours of sleep tonight catgirl-flop

Arahnya [he/him, fae/faer] - 1mon

A very merry yaoi/yuri witches night and halloween to all who celebrate

Oof I'm sad and idk why

Fuck the "spiritual retreat", I'm back. That shit was from me gaining like a day of functionality before crashing out hard.

The whole "retreat" (consisting of ... 2 days?) was spent with me scrolling and shit either way.

Did I do anything cool during this time? O_o. Well, I made plans for doing cool shit and didn't execute them.

I went to a bra store as a "milestone", but the prices. Oof. I left right away.

I went to a new city! It was dogshit and dead af. Post-apocaliptic looking scenes.

And and! I wanted to shit to a new Linux desktop environment (sway ontop of i3) ... and promptly gave up when I realised how much work that would take.

This interactive fiction novel I've been reading has been excellent. You're basically Indiana Jones during the 30s doing "archeology" i.e. solving death traps and having a millennia old mechanism still function perfectly. You're also fighting nazis, KKKlanners and cops, but I repeat myself, all around the globe. The writing is good, the historical references titillate my history-nerd brain and punching nazis in 1930s Palestine, Tibet, Congo and Hong Kong is honestly very therapeutic. The character customisation is a bit lacking, as is the romance but in every other aspect it's good and varied.

Would recommend, 8 kkklanners fed to crocodiles in the swamps out of 10

I hope I get to sleep early tonight, I was up so early. Actually, I think I'm gonna logoff and go for a walk and go to bed. Good night traa

kandyelmo [they/them, she/her] - 1mon

Hey hi, this week was packed with gay and relationship anniversaries and I'm really happy I got to celebrate them!

RION [she/her] - 2mon

::: spoiler food/eating (or lack thereof) Food today:

Cup of apple sauce
Mug of potato chips
Can of soup (creamy chicken noodle)
around 7 pumpkin tea cookies

Stress, semaglutide, or burgeoning eating disorder? Who knowsssss :::

hello

I have to do 1 AM twice today bleh

shallot [she/her] - 1mon

Might have to log out for a while, I’m dooming pretty hard over here

:::spoiler discussion of sizing and clothes Despite my waist bein 34" these 34 in "mens" did not fit me smh smh. Its bc its the non stretchy kind I guess! Hmph. I got a 36 but it was the stretchy kind so its pretty big but also way too long. The gold long sleeve shirts and black tank tops I got fit thoo and they look good comfy

As much as I am actively trying to stop depression posting, it doesn't change the fact that I am actively living the life of a depressed person. I haven't spoken to a person in WEEKS. Literal weeks. (Not counting stuff like the cashier asking "do you want the recipet?").

I'm in chronic solitary confinement. And it's even worse because I refuse to call my parents and they don't care to call me.

My mega so I can litter it with my thoughts all I want, HVAC I might be doing something dumb doing these NATE certs with no real job experience but damn it I'm dreaming hard rn. This isn't just pass the test but a bar for me that I can do this. My five year plan was to be driving a fancy work truck and I'm gonna make it happen

They cost money but I've already sold enough plasma to give it a go and as long as I need I'll keep selling until I pass them both. I'll continue hitting up the library computers and learning online until this dream isn't a dream anymore.

Someone at work asked me what I use for my hair (I guess he really liked it?) which was nice bc this whole time I've been self conscious about it.

::: spoiler human relationship drama

Whenever I have a spat with my mother, it brings out my sadistic side. In the current spat, I am cutting her off calls and giving her riddles. It is fun ... in the moment. Then I look back and think that I am being stupid.

However, what is the point of having a conversation? It is not as if I don't tell her things straightforwardly. I told her that I hated being screamed at and want to be treated better. She tells me that I don't deserve better treatment. Fuck I can do about it.

I know it sounds like I am rationalising my own shitty behaviour, but this isn't a new thing either. My parents used to beat me when I was young. One day, my mom beat me so hard her hand hurt for multiple days. After that she told me that she doesn't like hitting me anymore because of it.

emilie-shrug

I simply must share this song where an anime vocaloid sings about the GDR youth league.

HexReplyBot [none/use name] - 2mon

I found a YouTube link in your comment. Here are links to the same video on alternative frontends that protect your privacy:

Noticed someone looking at my chest while we were talking for the first time. 😹 Twas my friend, who I'm not technically out to (not exactly hiding it though - he's known for a long time)

One of the people I'm staying with while I'm waiting to be able to move in to a new place is doing a spa day and invited me

Nacarbac [comrade/them] - 2mon

Heat Pumps are neat.

In the UK there's pretty much only space for air-source pumps (still good, but marginal without good house insulation), but the US seems to be a big sprawly place, so I imagine you can get more ground-source pumps (the best). Theoretically you can do vertical bore-hole ground pumps even in cities, but they're expensive to install at like 25-35k (just for the diggy diggy) to the point that you could totally retrofit even our century-old houses to modern standards and have a decent air pump for basically the same effect.

It's an area that might benefit from being a government infrastructure initiative (bore holes are kinda straightforward to do, but complex to plan for - there're a lot of old mine shafts, etc) and regulation to mandate it... but that's the same story as [insert every other good thing here].

Vague excuse to recommend Low Tech Magazine, for a lot of low-hanging fruit.

Florn [they/them] - 2mon

I really wasn't expecting to cry at an episode of The Twilight Zone (1985) and yet, here I am

I guess I should name the episode: A Message From Charity, in which nerdy Tom Paris in the 80s becomes discord friends with a young Puritan woman in the 1700s

::: spoiler generation bs Gen Z is right that they dont have the power to do anything about climate change and that using paper straws or turning the heating down in winter isnt sufficient to actually even mitigating it. Theyre wrong that they dont have the ability to seize power, that they cant take control of their own destinies, and some of that comes from backlash and co-opting every time they try something or concern about coming across as cringe.

Its hard ro explain to younger Gen Z just how bad it was in the 80s and 90s (and even parts of the 00s) for LGBT people. The backlash is here, the counter revolution is in full swing. But we did have a genuine social revolution around LGBT rights. For some of them all they know is that when they started coming into awareness, LGBT rights started getting eroded and things have become worse. I just compare it to what things used to be like - what ground has been gained is worth defending and I lived through when the world changed so I know its possible. Millennials as a cohort failed at a lot of what we tried to do and ended up in the same rat race as everyone else has and maybe what was gained is shaky but there was something.

Gen Z on the other hand, they have made wearing sneakers to the club not just acceptable but normal - so, their ability to change things should not be underestimated lol :::

I'm sorry, but minesota is not tough.

Wmill mega? Awesome

My first mega

I discovered abiotic factor yesterday and it's fun in co-op. I hate how expensive it was but to be fair it has LAN/direct IP mode which means I was able to try it out for a few hours on a pirated copy before deciding that "yes this game appears to actually be decently designed and also seems big" and paying for it

time will tell how many hours I get out of it but I'm always in search of games I can play with people. I was really frustrated by valheim's inventory management, resource to crafted item ratio, and the combat, but abiotic so far seems to have solved all my frustrations. it's neat.

there are some bugs though. Anyway if you're playing it and want to respond please tag spoilers I think these kind of games are only fun for me if I don't know how long or big they are or pretty much anything about them.

Guessing everyone already knows what Clash of Clans is, but I still play it quite a bit and tomorrow starts hammer jam, an event where all timers and upgrade costs are halved (hopefully at least, 7 hours before we'll know for sure). I have been saving up Clan War League (cwl) medals for a long time now, these let you buy items to speed up time. The best of these (when combined with hammer jam) is the builder potion which speeds up builders by 10x for an hour. I have the most cwl medals you can save and plan on buying 83 potions with all of them. Combined with what I already have and the half off timers I'm going to get 4 and a half months of progress done in the roughly two weeks of jam (1 week per day lol). I'm currently town hall 16, just moved up last week and will be moving up to th17 by the end of the month with all those potions. Its the biggest yearly event and I've been very hyped, because of the like year+ of cwl medals its going to be fuckin huge for me.

Dreamt I was doing push ups, felt nice might do some today and make my dreams come true

Whenever Im in a class or learning something, I always ALWAYS get the mental image of climbing a rope hand over hand style. Every time!! I have no idea why, its so specific and very somatic like I can feel it lol

Do your muscles feel achy when you wake up, my back feels like I did push ups

KrupskayaPraxis - 1mon

Do any of you use Grindr for T4T, and does it work for you?

Day started out bad and then didn't get better, felt awful for a whole bunch of reasons. idk if anyone cares for me to list them out. Maybe its enough to say I hate this and feel hopeless. There really is not a way out. And I'm alone.

The protagonist of reverend insanity is a really funny character if you think about.

One minute he is giving you profound life advice that can rouse the heart of any reader. He motivates you to struggle for your yearnings and dreams. He tells you to abandon traditions and morals because they are chains imposed by others onto you.

Only you can walk on your own path, everyone else is a bystander!

Then he uses this logic to justify using British empire tactics of working his slaves to death to build a canal. Because that's like step 351 out 450,000 in his quest for immortality.

The above "cutie patotie" struggling against fate and mortality killed over 100 million people.

SuperZutsuki [they/them] - 1mon

I almost didn't go out last night after work but ended up at the queer club and had a great time. But now I have to go to work after only 4 hours of sleep sleepi

::: spoiler cw horny ok look i dont normally get all bottomy for men but goddamn there's something about Hasan undressing into his superman outfit with those freckles and that mustache

fuck

catgirl-flop :::

Fuck me if my parents raised me on this vegan baby formula I'm drinking rn I'd be unstoppable. Before any lectures me on way I'm depriving some baby of this stuff it's because it's a year expired.

I found some platform boots to wear and I get to be taller wooohooo 👢 👢 ✨

::: spoiler spoiler Sad bc support person didn't have a few minutes to talk with me today. Was really hoping with seeing her on weekends we'd get to talk. Not much of a real life person if I never see her irl. Now I'm just crying, and sad, and alone. Like always. :::

forcefemjdwon [she/her] - 2mon

Watched The Garden of Sinners: A Study in Murder (Part 1) semi-recently and discovered apparently some trans viewers think it's a trans allegory. Well, I do somewhat understand the appeal of this reading, but you have to 1) ignore the fact that SHIKI is literally a trans man and 2) reduce his existence to a metaphor, which for personal reasons I am pretty opposed to doing.

From the light novel, Shiki's POV:

I leave Akitaka and head back to the building. Locking myself up in my room, I take off my gi. I stare at the mirror... A woman's body is reflected back at me. If I were to put on some make-up, and pull a scary face, I might be able to look like a guy; but there's nothing that can be done about the body. My body, that grows every day, that is sending {[織]|Shiki} into despair.

"Maybe I should have been born a guy."

I talk aloud to no one. No, there is someone I can talk to. Inside me, another personality called {[織]|Shiki} . All children of the Ryougi family are prepared two different names with the same pronunciation. The name of the yin, a name as a man. The name of the yang, a name as a woman. Since I was born female, I was named {[式]|Shiki}, which means "equation" or "form". If I would have been born male, I would have been named {[織]|Shiki}, which means "to weave".

Anyway, Overlooking View is better.

Overlooking view is one that's still important to me years later

Dutchies, don't forget to vote for BIJ1 today

Hell yeah I'll be voting for 1BJ

Told myself a month ago I'd voice train tomorrow expecting I'd feel better but that's not the case. Situation is still awful, I still want to die, I still can't deal with my voice. Time to go to work and suffer there I guess.

Im fucking nauseous and have a stomach ache and a headache and a sour mood for no reason again. This has happened at the start of the month for the last 5 months. At first I thought maybe I was just anxious about work or slept badly but I slept great the last couple times at the start of the month and work is fine, things have quieted down a bit and Im in my trauma groove and also it goes away after a few days or so. If I get a FUCKING period WITHOUT a uterus Im gonna be pissed off. I literally cant figure out what else it is, whyyyy

My first draft: This is too edgy! It's not sincere enough!

My 4rth draft: Stop it! This is too sincere! You can't put this stuff for everyone to see!

::: spoiler spoiler I hate being trans. It has stolen my whole life away. :::