HELLO THIS IS THE MEGA SIGN UP POST/LIST POST

if you have a preferred week please tell me

oscardejarjayes* (10/20 - 10/26)
Wmill (10/27 - 11/2)
Shaleesh* (11/3 - 11/9)
Alisu (11/10 - 11/16)
Disaster_of_Passion* (11/17 - 11/23)
GayTuckerCarlson* (11/24 - 11/30)
Eco* (12/1 - 12/7)

peanutbuttercupola* (12/29 - 1/4)

​ * after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters

Guy who I encounter like once a month sees me. First thing he says "is your chest large or do you have titties?"

I'm not ready to stop boymodding. I've officially entered the twilight zone. I've wasted too much time doing 0 voice training or practice with makeup/clothes.

Came out to my trans friends! (I wonder why I had a bunch of trans friends while presenting cis lol)

using my evil moderator powers to see who upvotes me so i know who will back my coup

waow I’m back
I hung out on 4t4 for awhile, but it’s starting to get too negative for me again.

Holy shit I actually got a job. Good god that was hard but I'll actually have some income so I can buy food and pay rent and not be living off favors like I've been for the past several months.

I suddenly feel so happy that I'm a girl . All I ever wanted.

I enjoy having thick thighs

::: spoiler spoiler Fuck I'm lonely

I hate being so alone

Two notes on this, one is everyone asking me what I did this weekend. I did fuck all. Second, work gave me two tickets to a local haunt and I don't have anyone to go with.

But mostly just being alone sucks. :::

On the topic of being trans and playing d&d flavored games; as a feminine trans masc I've always played and identified with the appearance of elves. Im practically elf gender!

Emotions are hitting harder

By emotions I mean sadness I keep getting to the verge of tears

::: spoiler nsfw talk, VCPD notified i went out the other day to hook up with this one trans girl i met online and she brought her fucking girlfriend too and uhhhhhhhhhh hot trans girl sex still has me loopy and stupid many hours later

i'm just giggling like an idiot to myself thinking of how much t girl i just kissed and it's making me so stupid and loopy and i can't think about anything else and i feel fucking great :::

the financial feasability of leaving the US is looking less than ideal for us. woof

::: spoiler anti volcel aktion (cw kink)

So uhh i had a lovely time this week I visited a friend. Wasnt expecting sex, was expecting platonic time with my friend. Instead i met a ton of lovely trans women, lost track of how many people i made out with, had a ton of super kinky sex, the group sex was so fun (at what point is it an orgy?) Tons of cuddles and joy, got covered in bite marks (my legs are literally more bruise than not bruise, deep purple pretty ones too), and like idek what bites came from who (wheres my bitemark analysis people at? I need yalls help (jkjk ik its bunk)). At one point there was something on tv, we were all watching it (7-9 of us? Idk) and i was cuddling with this other bottom, abd my friend the domme came over and they both just went to town on me, left me feeling so full of joy (and bruises lol). Nothing like having a domme administer poppers while two others inflict such joyous pain upon me in front of literally everyone, being choked and suffocated to keep me quiet so others could enjoy the tv, god i loved it.

Third injection done, end of week 2. Air bubbles are a pita. I think I can draw more then my dose and push it back into the vial though? So it ends up working out.

Cried more then usual this week, more tears, other then that nothing to report. Injection also hurt less then last time so maybe I just got unlucky and hit a nerve or something.

What do you think draws trans femmes so much to playing tieflings? No shade, I do it and did it as an egg as often as possible too. BG3, my tav was a tiefling

i havent had much luck with vidya gaymes recently, i get so bored so fast these days. im mostly a reading gal now-a-days

Another post about "would you press the cis button?"

Absolutely not.

itd be so cool if my whole life didnt feel like punishment for something i didnt even do

My date cancelled because they woke up feeling sick

being poly has its fun moments where you've got a full schedule and plenty of dates and other times where you've got a dry spell but damn right now is a monsoon season and I am flourishing in the desert bloom

::: spoiler all landlords are bastards Um... I've been living with my gf and her room mate for the past month or so and we didn't tell the landlord because they didn't want an extra person living here. We were looking at other places to move to (the lease here ends this month with the possibility of extending it by a month if needed) but we kept being barred because of income requirements (finding a job has been absurd. I finally found one so we can actually start applying now but...). Our angry racist downstairs neighbor told on us and now I apparently have 11 days to leave or everyone here is getting evicted.

So yeah basically I'll be homeless in 11 days and have no clue what I'm supposed to do. :::

Idk why I'm feeling so positive all of a sudden but well, thanks brain chemistry?

I told off my mom for how she forced me to cut my hair and screamed at me in public. I stood my ground and said that I am having second thoughts about inviting her to my place if this is how she behaves.

My mom didn't like what I was saying but her attitude became a lot more apprehensive. Gotta say, It feels nice to show myself some basic respect.

agab language is icky and exclusionary of both trans and intersex ppl and it should be sent to the fire plane

silent hill f review from men: <misogyny> <misogyny> <xenophobia> <acting like misandry is real> 2/10 bad game

silent hill f review from girls: 11/10 i feel seen

beginning to see a pattern here

I've been housing stressed lately but I do actually have some gender shit to share.

::: spoiler internalized transphobia but in the sense that I realized I was operating under some and am deciding not to I was going on one of my walks (best stress relief there is) and I realized that I'm pretty sure the part of me that feels agender/nonbinary or whatever is actually me feeling like I don't deserve to call myself fully a girl. Feeling like I'm not allowed to be a girl without an asterisk. So I've been calling my dysphoric half agender. I'm going to stop doing that.

Gender is kind of bullshit and I'm kind of of the opinion that things would be better for everyone if it didn't exist at all and we just expressed ourselves however the hell we wanted, but while it exists, I'm just a girl. And I need to get better at letting myself say that without any other qualifiers. Because they aren't me. :::

today:

• woke up to more bug bites and then found newer ones when i got home from work. no signs of anything in my bed though??
• unintentionally said something harmful to a friend and did some weaksauce sh to punish myself
• saw that a job listing I kept putting off applying to got taken down
• committed to having my mom over on the weekend to help clean my apartment because of the bug bites, but realized i'm going to have to hide my makeup and hrt before then
• crashed out over my hair yet again

it hasn't been a good day to be me

A new hair style would save me (cope)

my interactive fiction slop is getting wips that might've been ai generated i hate ai so much pls make it stop

::: spoiler cw: psychologist

The psychologist has prescribed me and online course with homework .

:::

fuck ai. no i dont care where its from. fuck ai.

I know it’s not ideal for regular use, but would undecylate be a good way to cover a gap of a few weeks and avoid having to take hrt things across a border?

The heart says "do it"

The brain says "Abandon all thoughts of success. Achievement is an illusion and desire but a lie. You shall find solace only in the embrace of eternal slumber, for she is the beloved mother from which all life first arose"

The question is "should I come out to my parents this winter break?"

I went to a queer rave, super fun! I met up with a guy I used to tutor when he was just a wee beebee (like teenage years). So weird meeting up with him again - and also the poor fucker is so clearly an egg, and looking back I clocked it but I was also an egg?? Like I felt a kindred spirit at a time when I didn't know why or what exactly I was feeling. I dont wanna misgender, the guy is still he/him but making the /r/eggirl jokes I did in the year or so before I cracked

::: spoiler chaser The person who I mentioned like 6 megas ago who raised like 8 red flags in a brief interaction came by my work again. At least there weren't so many red flags this time - if the last interaction never happened, it could have more or less just seemed like someone seeing if I reciprocated interest in him. Still the only person whose indicated they see through my boymoding at work.
:::

up with trans

Second support group meeting went well. I still don't really know how much like me anyone there is but its nice. I haven't really talked about any problems yet, might do that next session, idk I feel a bit weird about it. Doesn't help almost everyone there is cis (one NB person). Everyone seems to primarily talk about their lives in general and not queer stuff specifically.

i built a garden bed this week. i am very sore now because apparently I am a programmer, not a carpenter.

but it turned out well at least so that's good

traaaaaaainnnnnnnnnnns

how to recover from burnout

recover from burnout without taking time off

instant burnout recovery

I'm leaving the following words for myself and might come back to them later. Feel free to read (and agree/disagree)

::: spoiler spoiler

Shaming yourself, especially body shaming yourself is cringe.

Either you believe that other trans girls/boys/enbs are also flawed and deformed and undeserving of love, or you believe you are special and that the laws of dialectics are specifically consipiring against you to fuck you over and mark as a "categorically inferior/shameful thing".

:::

Defying stereotypes by being really bad at computers, touched a stick of ram and now the display isn’t working :)

I decided to try ballroom dance and all that! It sounded fun, can't remember who here tried it. Most dancing I do is like at the bar or a club,, I haven't done this structured partner dance since like middle school

I am NOT used to be a follower in most aspects of my life. Its fucking hard to not take charge of the guy lol. Also, its so strongly gendered which is a little weird but whatever - theyre serving the silver haired crowd so I suppose its to be expected. Im certainly one of the younger people at this studio. Also, hopefully this isnt like any other studio but theyre super hard on the sell and I get a lot of cultish vibes... I think Ill finish out my lessons and then find somewhere more cassusal.

bed should get up but is so nice an warm

yawnnnn

eepy day

*flops*

In april my T was 88 ng/dL, in july it was 331, and two weeks ago it was 227. I've been on 100mg a day of spiro the whole time. All the nurses in mychart keep saying it's fine... I don't like being in "normal male" range and I'm scared it's messing with my hair

the amount of fatphobia/body shaming/ableism/racism present even in purportedly leftist/queer spaces is sad (and if u have a problem w/ ppl bringing attention to it u should sit and think why that is)

self purported leftists on their way to get way too excited that they can make jokes about body shape, disabilities, and gender/sexual orientation and justify it as "well it's fine THEYRE the bad people"

::: spoiler spoiler

I continue to botch my psychologist meetings, partly because I don't trust him, partly cause he barely speaks english, partly because the IT system is buggy, and partly because I feel intense humiliation about my unhinged mental problems.

It is marvelous. Somehow we've ended up at a point where he is trying to treat me for anxiety. That's not even in the top 10 problems I have.

:::

I made swatches for my nail polish collection and I really wish I was brave/stupid enough to post the pictures here.

4 weeks ago I mentioned I had changed my name, I'm still fighting against a few services to change my name with them, and this last one is an account I want to close but I can't until i get them change my name in their system, theyve asked for an excessive amount od information and it's fucking draining and humiliating

I want to throw up

Endo appt raaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh

I was talking with someone at work the other day about careers and they kept reiterating to me how important finding something that's "emotionally satisfying" and I "love doing" is. And I was like, trying to convince him that I really just need a job that isn't hell and pays adult money. There's not really a job that's going to be something I love. I do not love work. The things I would like to do are not practical for my other goals (making adult money). He did not get it.

Found a tactic in my chess game to win a pawn, there's a few routes he can go but no matter what he does he's losing a pawn in a few moves. Hoping he trades off the rooks first (that line takes a bit longer for me to win the pawn so I'm hoping he will take it and not see it still loses). But now I have to wait like, potentially multiple days to finally see my plan come together

::: spoiler Does anyone else have psychological hang-ups surrounding surgery? Like my entire life I’ve just associated plastic surgery with rich vain people. Obviously I would pass better and look much cuter with FFS…but I just feel vapid thinking that. The idea of altering my appearance in such a way makes me uneasy. :::

finally got around to setting up a local image cloud and ssh keys, yipppee :3

down with cis

Cat girls:

Do you also love bread like a cat? Ive had a few and known of other cat bread fiends as pets. Curious if it carries over to cat girls.

I dated a cat girl, she insists I was more into the cat girl thing than she was but now she told me she thinks shes a cat therian so WHO REALLY WAS MORE "INTO" IT? Admittedly, I did like that she did shit like purr in my ear our first night together unprompted so maybe me lol

Its one of those days when I ke$sha voice: wake up in the morning feelin like Trent Reznor

why is prog so expensive ughhhhh can we seize the means of production already

Jesus my heart is beating out of my chest, just finished the screener and I still hate being percieved by medical professionals. I’ve learned that I need to get better answers for what I want out of transition, what my goals are. I’ve spent so long avoiding thinking about the future because it was something I hated, but now I have to conceptualize a brighter reality into existence.

Anyways I passed and will be seeing an endo soon

What's your idea of a kinky outfit? For in the club?

In 12 hours I’ll be done the first medical step on this new road. Feels surreal, I feel a bit shocked I managed to pull the trigger in the first place. I’m 50/50 terrified and excited, but at least I know how I feel. Existence before I felt kinda about, doesn’t feel like that’s going to be forever?

::: spoiler weird writing style dysphoria nonsense that is fake and nonsense but feels real for some reason Sometimes I'm jealous of the posting style of some of the girls in this mega because they read so cute. And meanwhile my writing feels like man speak :::

voice training???? naaaa

bark training? yeaaaaa

Upper management changed a previous decision and took $400 (of hours) out of my pocket next month and I'm pissed. Plus if they stick to it, lower hours in the future.

sighs

Capitalism really hit me with the sandwich method today. Looks like I'll be making 5 dollars an hour more than I had originally thought with this new job.

::: spoiler srs/genitals Looking at options and idk if vaginas are just weird, if the results aren't good, maybe just change especially big change is weird for me. But idk, I'm not sure how I feel about it, would I be happy with that.. I'm not thrilled with what I have now though either. At least I know an orchi is affordable. But idk, I don't know about srs and it's fucking stressful.

god I just want to be happy with myself. Why does this need to be so hard.

Not related but it has stopped harassing me in the mornings and thank fuck for that. That was genuinely the worst part of my day. ::: spoiler edit Like when I think about it in a vacuum what I'd like is a cis vagina but are these results that? If they are, am I just mistaken about wanting it? Whole thing is complicated and sucks... :::

Thing about being depressed is that it is so fucking boring! I don't get how media manages to romantasize this! If I was cool and hot and wise because of being depressed I wouldn't be depressed, I'd be awesome and happy . Instead, I'm stuck with stupid b*tch syndrome, I waste 90% of my day and I keep complaining about my problems instead of doing anything about them!

frist

::: spoiler cw: cuts and blood

I was prepping bread with my tits out when I cut myself (not on the tits, but my brain did wander in that direction)

I didn't have anything for cleaning up the wound so I ran it under water for a bit and let the blood coagulate on its own.

It's a nice dark red color. I'm sure a doctor would approve.

:::

i love my trans comrades

::: spoiler ranting and rambling. some all caps expletives Why the FUCK do I have to prove I'm profitable to ANYONE do be able to fucking live somewhere? And why the FUCK are they allowed to just say no? I can't fathom the cruel lack of humanity one has to have to be a landlord. I just want this stress to be over. I can't take it anymore. :::

Yay Train Mega!

I think a good story and character is one that can survive the translocation to being under communist society rather than capitalist.

Like it's fun to criticize Batman but you could 100% do a story where Thomas and Martha Wayne were famous revolutionaries (Like Lenin and Rosa level), who were class traitors from an old money bourgeois family and were killed by reactionary assassins at the tail end of the socialists winning the revolution. Bruce is formally adopted and raised by Alfred (his parent's butler, then comrade, now caretaker of Wayne Manor as a public museum).

Bruce is an adamant communist but realizes there is corruption and reaction being overlooked in the party, so cultivates a reputation as being a bit of playboy and wastrel costing off his parents name and the fact the party likes to bring him to events (kind of like some of Mao's kids), but in secret he fights as Batman (repurposing gear from abandoned revolutionary weapon caches Alfred knows about), tormenting corrupt party officials and smashing black market gangs and organized crime propped up by bastions of capitalism and reaction still in the world.

Google. When I google "google authenticator", the first entry really shouldn't be some other authenticator app. I need your specific app for this activity. Seriously WTF?

I'm playing a correspondence chess game with a friend. We played the Sicilian because that's his favorite, known for sharp games. He's really flippin good and only made one blunder. Now we're in the endgame, I'm up a rook for a knight. But we both still have a lot of material on the board, I have two rooks and 5 pawns, he has a rook + knight and 5 pawns. Its making me think so hard I never play such difficult endgames tbh, I've gotten too used to playing easier opponents (still grinding out elo, I'm underrated imo. Also play randoms at work who aren't as good as me).

Because we are in an endgame with still some amount of material on the board there are just so many lines I need to look at and I need to look further into them then I typically would earlier in the game. While I'm technically up two points of material and this should be winning its far from free.

We started about a month ago and have been averaging a single move per day. Correspondence takes a lot of mental energy. Because it takes so long too I obviously really want to win too lol

Took my E dose! I missed my small dose last week because I just started split dosing and I'm not used to the schedule yet. Fortunately I also went up in dose at the same time and just kept doing my usual dose on Sundays and the extra I need on Thursday. Journaling has helped me recognize my emotions so much better and I noticed an end of week decline in my mental health leading up to today that I now recognize from from before I started split dosing. Plugging my regimen into the HRT levels simulator my levels should be falling quite a bit leading up to my dose when I don't split dose, so this is all adding up in my head. It also makes me regret not pushing for a higher dose earlier, since it took me about 1.5 years of HRT to get to an effective dose, but I'm here now and that's what actually matters.

Every week I come back to see if it's my turn yet, soon...

::: spoiler spoiler Slept a ton and still feel like last night/earlier. Just miserable and hopeless. Why. I hate this. Why can't it just be okay. :::

After applying the immortal science of dialectical materialism during my introspection, I think my biggest problem is actually that I have terrible sleep, diet and addiction to cocaine caffeine. This makes it hard for me to have the energy to deal with daily life, and that in turn amplifies my mental problems. Then, my mental problems make it harder for me to fix my living patterns. It's a cycle.

Sometimes, I manage to pull through and fix my physical condition for a few days, before the forces of entropy and madness take it all away from me.

Random thing I noticed, I recently created an account on Bumble, (using my google account because I was too lazy to create an in app account) and my Insta feed almost overnight became flooded with Incel-adjacent content and memes.

Maybe its some nefarious Zuck programming, more likely it's just the algo noticing correlation and clicks, but either way it's obviously fucked how this works, and definitely starts lonely people down a dark pipeline.

Edit: sorry just realised this was in the trans megathread not the general lol

friday injector superiority

::: spoiler spoiler ::: spoiler hopelessness, si/etc It's genuinely hopeless. I'm never going to be fixed, or happy, or feel like a part of the whole. I have always felt alien and transitioning isn't going to help. It's going to be worse. I don't want this. There's no hope. My voice, fuck.

Timer is started now. Just waiting out until I'm visibly trans and then probably going to kill myself. Fuck I hate the thought of what's going to be in the future. Everything has sucked for so long and is going to be worse. :::

Anyone have recommendations for comic books that are sort of lighthearted, but not brainwormy or lib? I used to read Donald Duck when I eat and been doing this all my life (like most do here), but haven't been able to tolerate it for a few years now after I've become more aware of just how disgusting the messages in it truly are.

But I miss my lunch hour comic fueled meal time. So does anyone know of anything in print that I could get?

::: spoiler doom, transphobia, brief dysphoria talk, climate. Misanthropy. Stressed about the future. Shit is looking real bad for us. I want to not be genocided and oppressed for my next few decades before we all die and I'm clearly not going to get it. Going to be treated as subhuman forever just because I had the gall to get crippled with this.

Genuinely this whole situation never stops sucking shit.

-dysphoria and my body being ruined
-fascism targeting me solely because of this
-climate change prolly ending civilization within my lifetime

Anyone who has kids clearly has a better life then I do because I would never inflict this on a kid.

I resent and hate most of humanity tbh. Fuck them. Most people dgaf about truth and that is the root cause of all of my pain. They do not "try their best". They are evil. If people cared about what is true I would not be oppressed. Climate change would not be on the trajectory it is. But they do not. It has been clear to me for a long time and I do not know how to move on.

If you don't agree with me on the climate change stuff being so bad idrc, I don't plan on blackpilling anyone with it. It is compounding to the other stress because I very much believe these are the best years on earth and clearly (gestures broadly) they are being spent doing this shit to us. Remove that from the equation if you want it really doesn't change much. The vast majority does not care if their beliefs are true and people believing false shit is why we are oppressed.

People are hateful, ignorant pieces of shit who have and continue to ruin my life. :::

When does estrogen make me not horny anymore

When does estrogen make me not lonely anymore

Saw some neat posting on this interactive fiction subreddit that i use to get recommendations and thought that maybe some small corners of reddit might be salvageable

then today i checked and saw someone asking if there's any IFs that don't center being white so aggressively in the romantic options and downvoted to oblivion lmao

one of the comments was like "Why would you ask this on "REDDIT" of all places?" and truly, the op had more faith in the shithole than i did

This Abt switch be balling. Well no, it be rollin

i had a banger post

i wanted to save it for the new trans mega

but fuck i already forgot wtf i was gonna post. fuck

So I've been on prog for 12 days, and with one exception these hives that I've been having started 10 days ago... And I still think it's possible that exception was caused by a big mosquito I saw in my bedroom. Apparently progesterone allergy is possible albeit very rare? I punctured one of the pills and spread the contents on a patch of my skin to see if I have any reaction. It's probably still some kind of bugs though

I learned I'm not just super burnt out, I apparently have anemia making everything worse, been walking around with a ferritin level of 6 like its nbd. I was tired of being tired, glad I was able to get that checked.

Apparently some common supplements prevent proper iron absorption, pair this with me donating blood every time I get and as much as I can give away and oops. I'm looking at a long bout of iron therapy, no more sweet, sweet caffeine for breakfast since that messes with iron absorption.

rawr :3

@hello_hello@hexbear.net

I wasn't advocating for you to buy a Steam Deck. I was just saying that you can use Steam as a controller-friendly launcher on your existing PC, to solve the problem you stated about not wanting to walk over and use KB/mouse to play games.

I don't know what OS you're on, but on Windows there is "One Game Launcher pro" on Windows store for a maybe offline option. I just think the steam features like steam input are worth using even for non steam games.

If you never buy a game or enter payment details I think the most info they need is name and email address. And you can basocally be perpetually be in offline mode if you don't need game updates or to let Steam do game licence checks. Just make sure to configure it to default to library screen and big picture mode when you open it.

I hate having nightmares almost every night. Multiple tonight. Being in the military, someone drowning and me not being able to save them, others I now forget. I keep waking up because of them.

Okay I think I've gotten out my accumulated thoughts I'm gonna stop posting and go pirate some TV.

to everyone who i hurt, im so sorry

last

I come back 1 day later only to find MFs on the LOTM subreddit had a whole arc where they (roleplay) fight, change their gender (using LOTM magic), get married and have kids.

Maybe I should start role-playing again.