HELLO THIS IS THE MEGA SIGN UP POST/LIST POST

if you have a preferred week please tell me

Disaster_of_Passion* (9/22 - 9/28)
Carcharodonna* (9/29 - 10/5)
sodium_nitride* (10/6 - 10/12)
peanutbuttercupola* (10/13 - 10/19)
oscardejarjayes* (10/20 - 10/26)
Wmill (10/27 - 11/2)
Shaleesh* (11/3 - 11/9)
Alisu (11/10 - 11/6)

peanutbuttercupola* (12/29 - 1/4)

​ * after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters

Getting my hrt tomorrow

Coming out ::: spoiler spoiler

Came out to my parents and long story short, my little sister now has a big sister ready to throw hands at the slightest sign of manipulative, gaslighting bullshit from our parents.

I'm so glad being myself has brought my sister and I closer together, and we can finally start to heal the shit we dealt with. Together.

:::

chat is this real??

::: spoiler i am not an identity state

Hearing people talk about their identity is great! Other people expecting me to produce an identity is fucked. I am not a stative identity. Stative identity is bullshit. I am actions (well, lack thereof). How do people make these statements about themselves? Like, i only do it because people expect a statement, people expect a label, people expect me to be an identity. But im not an identity state, im an identity process.

What i mean is, i am not a woman. I woman (verb). I am not a lesbian. I lesbian (verb). I am not a cyclist. I bike. I am not a gamer. I game. I am not a musician. I play music. I am not. I do. I am not a sub. I enjoy submitting. These statements of identity as a state one is in, they do not make sense. There is no thing. There is only isness.

not to dox myself but holy shit i got some big fuckin tits now holy fuuuuuuckkkkkk

weird 2 am thoughts but (this is mostly for other trans women)

did anyone else feel weirdly ashamed about being attracted to women as an egg? i remember feeling super ashamed by being what i thought was a heterosexual boy/man but in retrospect i can hardly articulate why i felt so ashamed of it. is this a thing anyone else had or was this just me being weird?

::: spoiler si if i randomly dissapear in the next few days i probably killed myself

just putting it out there, i guess. doesnt really matter, thisll probably be deleted anyway :::

After a very small 🤏breakdown at work, so I ending up coming out to someone. She was super supportive- it was very emotional for both of us. Apparently she helps with a couple local queer orgs and might know some people locally. Very unfortunately she doesn't come in often, maybe a few times a month. Once I get my license hopefully I can go to her org or something.

Also the stuff I was studying for I passed with no issue

My blood test results came in and I got confirmation that my T is down to good levels!!! I thought that was one of the differences contributing to how I've been feeling lately. God I fucking love Hrt.

Came out to a friend today and we’re still friends :)

Hello, shout out being trans. Big fan of that.

trans girl sliding into my DMs the other day so down horrendous for me that it's a big red flag but I'm horny enough to ignore it

I’m considering seeing a therapist about gender stuff in order to help me process everything better, but I’m having a really hard time getting over the idea that wherever they keep their records is somehow going to end up in the hands of genocidal maniacs looking for some slurs to kill.

transitioning has unlocked an unbelievable amount of rizz in me and i'm still shocked that i have so much, let alone any at all

I must report that I am rediculously cute today. I should have done my nails. That would have really completed it

Friend forgot. No hrt for me today. Our schedules don't really line up so idk. Maybe Friday will work? Bit nervous about it that day tbh.

Also I'm exhausted and feel like shit. Just need today go be over and have a day off.

Fuck it feels so bad today. Dysphoria has been real bad lately. ::: spoiler spoiler This has been nothing but a source of pain for me. I don't know how to deal with all of it. There's so many things ::: spoiler edit: things -Feeling alone and isolated from basically everyone irl, even after coming out. There's a huge barrier there and its lonely.
-Being trans + ND really shoots my dating options in the foot. I have been really wishing I had someone.
-Facial hair is brutal
-Everything about sex is brutal
-My fucking voice, oh my god I cant stop grieving my voice. Its never going to be okay and its so important.
-All the other dysphoria, the vague wrongness, all of that
-Everything about how society sees me
-Everything about the rise of fascism and trans women being one of the main targets
-Being so far behind everyone else, in everything. Fashion, makeup, college, etc. Everything is behind because I'm trans + the depression
-Constant depression etc from all of this
-Never getting a break

Any of these things would be bad enough on their own but I legitimately can't cope with all of this. This is the most painful experience ever. I can't get over it, I can't cope with it, it doesn't go away. fuck all of this. :::

THIS IS A SPECIAL BULLETIN FROM CBS NEWS

A report, from the Associated Press, reads as follows:

I have garlic bread

I've been thinking about making some miniature clay sculpture. Would be a good excuse to try to find people to give them to and I find it pretty relaxing. Also I'm new here so I hope it's okay to talk about what's been on my mind or does everything have to be related to trans stuff?

Im modelling today~ should be fun!

Im fully tucked, like mega tucked. Like all my shit is fully locked down lol. Balls in the canals getting cooked, taped up to my lower back geez. Brought an extra tuck kit just in case.

The wait for insurance to kick in at jobs is so silly. You already hired me, just give me insurance already

Typing in lines of code into the terminal thing of Linux is pretty cool ngl even if it didn't fix my problem, is this what Linux nerds are like

First?

My gf? she's on another instance you wouldn't know her

::: spoiler cw semi-horny so im messaging with this cute girlie and we got to talking about how succubus summoning would be real cool, and then she told me she'd actually like to be a succubus, which okay fair same here , but then she dropped "subcubus if you will" and she's just so gosh darn cute i dont even know what im going to do with her.

give her lots of i guess :::

::: spoiler CW mild transphobia mostly funny I find it funny when I met old people who are enthusiastically albeit somewhat problematically curious about me being trans.

It's like meeting a Victorian period explorer. "By Jove! Are you one of those illusive transexuals I've read about in dispatches?" :::

What I like about Tarot is a lot of westerners looking for meaning in mystical stuff comes off as Orientalist or cultural appropriation.

But Tarot is pretty European. It's Italians playing Tarrochi, it's French doing cartomancy and English perverts believing they are magicians.

But it's also occult, feminine and gay enough that tradition Retvrn types haven't made it their thing either.

EXCLUSIVE REPORT:

Trans Mega full of Trans: Exclusive CBS Report Says

If I use C for a project is the trans police going to come for my gender?

down with cis

This voice lesson gal wants to charge $1000 up front!! Its a lot of lessons though 2 to 3 months (weekly). Ill drop $1000 on a car repair or on a flight to visit someone, with lots of grumbling - I can keep trying to self study voice training, there's a lot of creators out there and I made a lot of progress on my own! I do pass (at least half the time), but I want it to hit closer to what I feel like it's ought to sound like? Im gonna do her consultation thing and see if she's worth it, my insurance covers some bit of SLP visits so maybe I can convince them thats what she is lol

::: spoiler some dysphoria stuff, weird existential things, some sex talk, some brainworms too yay I don't think my dream self matches my day self sometimes.

I am pretty fem-shaped IRL and it's weird that in my dreams sometimes I'll be kinda ... a guy? sometimes I have dreams where I even use the bottom parts I am trying to get rid of for sex things?

I always wake up feeling weird, like maybe I'm repressing some secret thing about myself. I hear about other people dreaming in their identified gender and with their ideal body even and such and so it always puzzles me that my dreams are sometimes just stuck in "guy mode." I've been kind of envious in the past of it.

It's easy to say "it's just a dream," and I'm happy with who I am when I look in the mirror (compared to the alternative), but there's just these lingering doubts that I have sometimes like "maybe I'm not really trans and instead I'm just traumatized by my first romantic relationship and that led to me having wires crossed and suddenly wanting to be her." That line of thinking is something my (at the time) unsupportive mother said when I first came out, and if I'm honest I don't think I've ever really dealt with it. I feel like I'm so close to disproving it ... like there's something in there that seems fishy but I can't quite get a solid foundation for it.

Most days I'm happy with who I am but I just feel like there's just this little pain that comes up every so often when I have these dreams. I don't know how to deal with it. :::

GG guys and girls, everyone in between and everyone beyond. It was nice knowing you. This (mild) fever will be the end of me. I can feel it, like an old grandparent in the movies who dies after giving profound wisdom to the protagonist.

Changing my name before the state locks this shit down, cost me like a weeks pay, and two weeks of admin, what a lovely experience

if youre in victoria, australia, transgender victoria may be able to provide you a reimbursement for this stuff

i think theyre at www.tgv.org.au, i had to email them

::: spoiler spoiler NSFW mention I just cracked a rib from a t4t Grindr sesh, owie owie owie :::

Today was a good day, got studying done, read some cool ttrpg stuff, played some games, read a book, practiced my french and just felt a peace I haven't felt in a while. Today is the day my dog died what now 6 years ago when I made this account. I wish I could say I made a lot of progress in my life since then but I feel I have a goal now and life is worth living. To that end I've been living like a got a tomorrow now and this contentedness I feel is amazing

I experience more joy in a single day now that I experienced in a year before I came out and found the queer community.

::: spoiler sex

::: spoiler kink

::: spoiler blood, razor, cutting My boyfriend has been cutting me to suck my blood and it's so fucking sexy. Tonight they cut a heart into my thigh with a razor blade while i was restrained. I have never been more in love, felt sexier, or had better sex. Things are just so amazing! I love t4t freak shit so much. This shit is literally fixing me :::

Today is a "very happy to be trans" kind of day. I've got a bit of a fever and don't feel super great, but I feel super happy to be a woman

Since taking up tarot my response to nearly anything

Positive gender affirmations imply the existence of negative gender affirmations

finally made the switch to android after way too long:tm: and wow its kind of great ey

::: spoiler mh Dooming hard lately. Can't find the will to do anything. I have nowhere to escape to, no money to escape with even if I did, and my skills are devaluing faster than I can save up. I wanted to get into nursing since that seems like a role that's in demand no matter where I end up but it feels like I'm running out of time. I'm gonna keep pushing forward just from lack of options but I don't have a lot of hope rn :::

::: spoiler spoiler One of the most frustrating things about feeling like shit is I do so much worse in games and most of the games I like to play are at least semi competitive. Been getting big into chess lately but it is not fun to play terribly. :::

:trantifa

up with trans

They're gonna run a mind scan on me at the psychologist's place and the results will say that I'm lacking in the vitamin. I'll just need to start taking supplements for the vitamin and I'll become an interesting, capable and studious person again!

::: spoiler cw:si I'm back to fantasizing about dying again. Yesterday I dreamed that my friend just choked me to death. It's not the sexy kind of "I wanna die " fantasy either. It's the bad kind, easy to mix them up, I know.

Frankly, I'm even having trouble focusing on doing homework or studying. I would love to say that taking time off will help, but it won't. Not that I can afford it anyway. I'm still dragging myself to college everyday despite being sick and feverish. :::

Hey gamers pronouns and being mindful of the ones people have on their employee badges got mentioned in our staff meeting and now I want to crawl into a tight spot and die like a rodent

I grabbed my badge and tore it up into little paper shreds when I got a moment alone I couldn't stand the thought of wearing it and I haven't done so in months and I didn't realize just how much I really don't want to. No one's bugged me about it before though

being the only friend in the group with charisma or how the kids say rizz is tough, they always come to me "Wmill Wmill how do we do it, how do we show our gfs/wives we love them?" Folx it's simple tell her she may not be the first thought you think of when stumbling to piss at 2 am but she's the last person you think of when you fall asleep

Why am i so goddamn horny? Like, seriously. I dont have the capacity to go out to bars and hit on/talk to other trans women... Shits cliquey as fuck around here, and im a socially akward tall gal... So please brain, stop with the horny please i beg of you

finally starting to get this shaving down to an art my legs are so soft

Hung out with great friends today and that may have been the kick in the ass I need to take this gender shit seriously

spend a while making a a post and then cancel it, an ashenwolf classic

::: spoiler just some morose and doomer ruminations mostly stream of consciousness, just needed to get them out without concerning my friends

moving has gotten me morose about the world, thinking about where things are going in the United States, I don’t intend to leave here. I was born here and I the most that I can do in my little transgender life is here, and I wonder if I will die here from who I am and from being a marxist. that realization that i very well might be killed at some point for my part in that struggle weighs on me a lot at times.

these ghouls in power have shown time and again how little they care about human life if that means they can hold up their unsustainable ways of living and vampiric extraction, and we must stop them. our side has to win, or they will not stop until they have killed every living being on earth. i hope that i live to see the fall of the united states empire and maybe the beginnings of a better future, but right now that is so hard to see. :::

oh hey it's the girl with the confused sexuality!

the distinction is between "men" or "no men", and honestly the more I think about it the more confused I get because sometimes there will be something romantic and I'll just be like , and others I'm like "eh, [reference event that fell in other example] though"

in the end, it doesn't even matter. the only thing I know for real, there will be

But yeah learned today that the word twink is taken from the word twinkie why didn't I realize this sooner

Need a distraction so for the rest of the mega I'll do tarot pulls. Ask a question and whether you want 1 card or 3 card (past present future) and I'll serve you some (limited) cosmic wisdom

::: spoiler dysphoria?

I kept telling myself i didnt want to deal with the hassle of a BA, but... I woke up from a nap just now and i think thats shifted. Maybe its cause im still a bit eepi, maybe its the dreams talking, but i think i just made the decision to pursue a BA... And now i have health insurance so i actually might be able to not starve to death if i get one lol

::: spoiler spoiler I feel awful. It's all I can think about. They're going to genocide us. All I want is to try and fix my broken body. Why did this have to be me. Why do I need to suffer like this. My only chance at being alive.

Even without fearing for the future and being targeted ts sucked. :::

DAMCE REPORT 2:

preliminary nonsense:

1. I am doing substance abuse. It's caffeine and alcohol.
2. Studying is becoming kinda boring cause I keep learning shit I can't apply.

Dance:

1. This shit really is horny. When we were split into "leaders" and "followers" half the class split into couples and started caressing each other. In order to continue with the classes, you need to find a permanent dance partner, and this seems to be basically your actual partner.
2. This shit is gendered AF. Every single "follower" was a girl (even if we count me)! Even the instructor was just using female pronouns for everything. Kinda affirming?
3. Everytime we switched partners, my new "leader" would give me a firm handshake and we would do introductions. This wasn't done with anyone else (I was paying attention).
4. Salsa is fun. But I don't want to be cut out from dancing cause I don't have a girlfriend/boyfriend. Why do we even need permanent dance partners?

Evidence prog works

https://hexbear.net/post/6183856

Upping my shaving routine from every other day to everyday. I cut my top lip a bit but it's worth it to be this smooth

It's fall season! Time for me to have my yearly delibetating coughing fits!

On a more positive note, imma try out ALL the dancing courses we got and spend the whole week moving my hips.

On a more (ew) note, dancing is really bringing out all the wierd latent homophobia shit from my friend who I did not expect to have any such brainworms. What the hell do you mean "modern dancing is gay so I won't do it"?

Sometimes people talk past you until you believe it for a bit. I hate seeing it happen to others.

I want trans people to believe trans people.

Went dancing with a friend who also just went through a breakup and there might be chemistry? Also ran into some other friends and made some new ones, as well. Either way, I had a great time shaking my ass, grinding, and getting ground on.

::: spoiler Discussing the name and history of a particular niche porn site and it's owner's identity journey (CW discussion of Porn, Slurs, dysphoria and brainworms) So there's a niche porn site called "[plural of t-slur] in Trouble". Oof right? It does softcore Damsel in Distress BDSM videos and pictures, only more recently actual sex acts have been performed and on the more tamer side of things.

Now it's an OLD website (and it really looks it too), it was started in 2001, 24years ago. It's owner, photographer, and occasional model, Sandra Gibbons is a trans woman. Now she didn't actually know this before creating the website. She identified as a crossdresser or transvestite. Which is where the name comes from, the early 2000s were a marginal period where the t-slur meant both trans people and crossdressers, see RuPaul having a song called "[T-Slur] Chaser" in 2009! Which I think is way too late honestly, but for context.

But an interesting thing happened, over times less of the models Sandra Gibbons worked with identified a cis male crossdressers, and more identified as trans women or non binary. And you see her undergo the dialectic of reflecting whether she is transgender or not through her blog. Dealing with many of the same dysphoric thoughts trans women have "It's too late", "I look too masculine" etc.

As it stands right now she uses Sandra as her name, she uses she/her pronouns, she dresses femininely when in public. She said in 2022 she recognized she had Gender dysphoria but wasn't going to take hormones, and I really do hope she has changed her mind since then and quietly started since then. [This is still my opinion but see comments downstream for context]

She has also talked about changing the name of the website. But as it stands it's a largely boutique trans-owned website that features trans women and has a fan base in trans women, there's definitely an aspect of reclamation of that word. I believe it doesn't really make much money, it's really just love of the game. And if she didn't squat the name, a big exploitative porn company would probably snatch it up.

Anyway I just wanted to share this odd and interesting story of a trans woman and her old ass website. :::

I went for a hike that was kind of a disaster, nearly died about ten different times without exaggerating. Anyway I'll post more about it later, because when I went to poo just now, I wiped and there was grass in my ass?

You touch the grass and the grass touches back

I've been toying around with the idea of one particular middle name, I like it and it flows well, not 100% sure but idk. Its been a thought in my mind for a while. But the gmail is open so

Had a dream my voice has power that when I shouted commands people fell in line. Used it first to get some kid better treatment and later to find my things that were stolen by a thief envious of my voice. Shouted at him some life advice and then woke up

Yooo wadda hell happened to my site pronouns? How long have you all let me be none/use name??? I think the secondary pronouns feature is bugged. I can't seem to get she/her, ze/zir to stick making me think it's some kind of off by one error since that's the last set in the list. I'm going with ze/hir on the site for now because I think that's second place for me.

::: spoiler annoying pronoun shit I told several people that I wanted to try a little bit of ze/zir but still no one's used that once. Like yes I fucking love she/her with every ounce of my soul and I would never give it up but it'd be nice to hear the neos every now and then.

I mean it's been a little bit since I decided I was this weird bigender demigirl whatever the hell. I'll take this treatment over being treated as a guy ever again any day of the week. It's not the end of the world for me that my friends gender me as a woman all the time. I just kind of would rather it happen some of the time. Maybe it's on me for not being very clear with what the hell my gender even is. Which brings me to... :::

::: spoiler what the hell is my gender even I know the two main components of my gender are woman and agender but I still can't figure out how they fit together. I feel it's some sort of weird bigender but the specifics confuse me. Presenting fem makes me feel so good. Being called a woman makes me feel so good. All the binary transfer shit makes me feel really good. But it's like. I simultaneously feel like a woman and like gender shouldn't apply to me, and I'm not sure what to do with these seemingly conflicting ideas. I'm not really willing to let go of either of them completely for the other, and it's not a sort of gender fluid situation where I'm one for a period and then the other. I'm both somehow, but I don't know how. :::

I journaled for the first time in a while last night. I was gonna just write a really short entry but it ended up being a page and a half, including some affirmations that were lovely to re-read just now :D

Fuck, I gotta skip my remaining dance class tryouts cause of my cold (i don'twant to infect everybody). Will I manage to find a damce partner even if I don't attend all the try-outs? Who fucking knows.

I somehow didn't realise that we were supposed to be meeting up with each other after dance classes to find partners. I always just book it for the trains.

*beeeeeg puppy stretch* seeeepy sunday

hey, you

explain how you feel about gender

Reading in the park, got my fold up chair, jug of water, thermos of soup, and library book on me. Fort Bragg cartel if anyone interest worth a read

::: spoiler cum, surgery I got a vasectomy a while ago and when I did the first semen analysis test I produced barely enough goop for them to test, because HRT shut that whole thing down. They still found some sperm in there (though it didn't say they were alive) so I have to do another one and I'm not making any goop these days. When I bust, I might get a tiny drop dribbling out over the course of a minute. Maybe a little more comes out later but that's been variable. Do I have to get off HRT for a while to make enough goop so they can do a proper test? I just want the paper that says I'm sterile already! :::

who up takin fat rips out of they SilkBong right now?

Are there any grey market pharmacies still delivering to the US? I was hoping to refill my pill stash but alldaychemist has stopped all deliveries here.

Do you think Rachel Pollack ever played Morrowind?

Every group chat needs someone like me to run cover, important things will be buried by my wondering/yappings/dead memes. I can annoy the fuck out of agents trying to find useful things

New trans mega smell

Hell yeah

Watching Xena and uh

The council has convened and made a decision.

Boobs? Incorrect.

Butt? Also incorrect.

Skincare?

Face?

::: spoiler replace the Dorito dust with nooch covering me and I really have to wonder if I'm any better than your typical gamer Yes but not by much wish my Friday nights weren't so lonely :::

I gotta cook something but I'm feeling super agitated, whatever I make next is gonna be angry food

It's kind of fucked up that I'm matching with a bunch of cool people right before I go on vacation. A cute masc enby matched with me and they went to fucking Berklee and I'm tryna play music with them but I have to go to Japannnn

I have the perfect idea for a drag/burlesque performance! Now to just figure out the costuming, props, choreography...

::: spoiler kink, mental health it's kinda funny thinking about and comparing my progress with comfort and openness on sexuality. ten years ago I was repressing just Everything About Myself and a side effect of that is I was like cripplingly uncomfortable with anything sexual, my friends would joke that I was basically a puritan. Now I semi-regularly have group chats with the same friends talking about stuff like "if you wanna lick marinara sauce off your partner's boobs you can just ask, that's incredibly mild"
:::

I've been having some thoughts recently.

Why are we born on this earth? Just to suffer?

Incorrect. We are born because our parents had sex and didn't abort us.

Furthermore, we have no purpose. You can make your own "purpose in life" but I don't think it really matters. "Being" a "nihilist" also doesn't "matter". So what if you don't care? And so what if you do?

I've also thought a little about absurdism. I don't get why they are laughing in the face of the vast uncaring empty universe. It's empty. Ain't nothing there to laugh at. Maybe that's why it's "absurd".

Funnily enough, this is exactly the thought process that made me stop being a nihilist and become a communist/materialist. I realised that I am allowed to care for and engage with things that actually exist in the world. If I cut off all my attachments, I will not suffer. But my suffering doesn't matter. I don't need to escape samsara.

::: spoiler injection question Sometimes when I inject there's a lump that lasts quite a while after. It didn't happen for the first few ones, but now it seems a lot more common. They're not itchy, and I'm rotating my sites. What could be happening? Subq BTW :::

Next yakuza game is gonna be real 🔥 leaked title was LAD 9 : 11 stories we tell

Does drinking liquor help with colds? If the answer is yes, I'm going to drink liquor. If the answer is no, I'm going to drink liquor.

::: spoiler Tap for spoiler - small rant about nsfw games on steam all this stuff is happening and steam is telling me the top selling new games this week are called like femboy massage parlor and femboy futa house, which is what like a trans share house simulator? what the fuck is going in :::

anyway the new skate game is fun and free, its not as fun as skate 3, i wonder if i still have that somewhere

The tone of this post should not be taken as depressive or neurotic, but rather psychotic

::: spoiler cw:si Kinda crazy isn't it? Yesterday I was pleasantly dreaming about my friend choking me and snapping my neck to death. Today, he was sitting in front of me and we had a mundane conversation about homework. I looked him in the eye as if nothing happened. It wasn't hard. I was sorta feeling fucked yesterday for having that dream, but now I don't even feel that.

If any of my friends knew about what I was feeling, they wouldn't want to be my friends anymore. I wouldn't blame them. It wasn't even a sexual dream, which could just be explained away as "attraction happens". No, it was this psycho shit.

I also had impulsive thoughts while meeting other people about asking them to help me kill myself.

I feel a sense of pride. I am going to be the toughest case that my GP assigned psychologist has seen in their career. Hopefully anyway. :::

I genuinely want to read reverend insanity just because of the fan art. Good Lord look at this man's smile. I want him to [REDACTED] me. He makes me feel dark heterosexual thoughts.