guess who's about to fly off the fucking handle if you don't sign up to make a mega? this gal (imagine i put my fist thumb-first through drywall)

MoonElf (8/25 - 8/31)
GayTuckerCarlson* (9/1 - 9/7)
nemmybun (9/8 - 9/14)
Eco* (9/15 - 9/21)
Disaster_of_Passion* (9/22 - 9/28)
Carcharodonna* (9/29 - 10/5)
sodium_nitride* (10/6 - 10/12)
peanutbuttercupola* (10/13 - 10/19)
oscardejarjayes* (10/20 - 10/26)
Wmill (10/27 - 11/2)
Shaleesh* (11/3 - 11/9)

peanutbuttercupola* (12/29 - 1/4)

​ * after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters

I have a new friend who is a cis woman who I’ve known for a few months. She was discussing with another new female friend of mine, how they’ve not shaved their legs for winter. I said oh I haven’t either but I’ve done laser and showed my legs under my skirt that had only some patchy hairs. both were like wow that’s less than I’ve got, we should try that etc

I also mentioned that finasteride, spironolactone, estrogen were all helping reduce my body hair too, as well as increasing my long thick head hair. The friend revealed she knew about those medications because she had alopecia that affected her head and presumably her long feminine hair is a wig (I wasn’t gauche enough to ask).

And I was like huh, I’m always comparing myself to cis women for my body issues, but cis women have their own body issues and battles going etc. We’re all subject patriarchal standards of beauty and femininity etc

Which has really helped a bunch of my brainworms

+1 on happy to be trans

Tarot just told me I'd find love in an unlikely place. I can't think of anywhere more unlikely than Hexbear. So who is it?

I feel blessed to be trans too! Its the best thing that ever happened to me~ honestly if I could go back and redesign my life, okay maybe Id pick "figure out she's trans" at way younger - but Id still pick being trans! I get to wake up every day as the gender I wanna be, of course Im happy about it!

I did the old style of social transition before HRT - I was lucky to find a doctor who did informed consent, so I could've got it way faster but I basically did a year of social transition anyway. Whatever makes sense for people to do first they should, even DIY, but I was pretty happy even as a very awkward not passing even a little out trans woman. HRT was even better of course! I was doing that in fucking nursing school, that was weird.

bisexual
bigender
vers
switch

fuck you, i refuse to pick a side

So where I am we do Pride in August, to mark the August 28, 1971 We Demand rally at Parliament; it was the first major queer rights action in Canada, so it serves a historical reminder of our own liberation movements rather than tying the queer narrative here to America's history. This is something I think is actually really interesting, because so much of Canadian politics is tied up in American media that Canadians often have little to no idea about the history of social movements here. This can be dangerous, because it allows American narrative-building to supersede our own--erasing the struggles fought by people here, but also allowing social shifts in America to seamlessly integrate into the Canadian discourse.

Anyway, that same phenomenon also means that regardless of Pride being in August, June Pride is absolutely still celebrated here (because American media tells everyone this is Pride month, and much of the world has followed suit and celebrates Pride in June).

This results in Pride beginning in June, and then "officially" happening in August. No one wants to "de-Pride" the city in July only to have to "re-Pride" it in August, however, so what actually ends up happening is an entire Pride summer where from the end of May until the end of August the entire city is covered in Pride flags and people throw "Pride" events the entire time.

Basically my city the last few years has decided in gay summers, where the only part of the year with nice weather is entirely packed full of drag shows and queer karaoke. This also coincides with a country music festival, which had some friction at first but now all the country straights who come to do their rootin tootin yeehawing in the "big city" (the whole place is rural as hell, so the city is not "big") just get blasted to shitty music and then go dancing to Chapelle Roan with the queens.

::: spoiler Family? Fuck family

Me: good thing happened!

Parent: nice, talks about how good thing is all gonna go away soon anyway, uses ableist slur

Me: gets upset, says to stfu, and lays out why that shit is wrong and why im upset

Parent: i dont deserve to be talked to like that.

:::

wuff

::: spoiler bleh Clocking another trans person out in the world hits me with a unique cocktail of emotions. Initially, I brighten up - I feel like we exist, in spite of all the terrifying rhetoric around me. I feel proud. Then my focus shifts onto myself, and I feel deeply ashamed. My patches of facial hair are unshaven, my hair is long but unkept, and my outfit is chosen in denial of who I am. I feel like such a half-assed trans woman. I take the hormones but avoid doing the work or taking the risk. That shame is a constant hum in my mind, but roars when I'm in front of someone who shows up to take those risks every damn day. I feel like I've been assigned this duty to courageously press forward and express myself, both for myself and for others like me, and I fail every. single. day.

:::

Being on hormones makes me jump from being snuggly and romance yearning to horny. Today is a romance and snuggles day, I just want my hand held and my forehead kisses right now. I wish my partner lived closer because it would just make me absolutely melt right now.

i look cute in cami tops

::: spoiler more t girl talking about her dick after about 1 1/4 years HRT, I'm starting to feel like my dick just... not that it doesn't belong, persay, but it doesn't feel integral to my physical form anymore. It's just this flap of skin dangling off the front of my pelvis that if i woke up without tomorrow, i probably wouldn't notice for a solid hour or two. if my arms or fingers or feet or toes would gone i would notice but my dick could just up and disappear and i wouldn't really notice it anymore :::

I love being a feminine tboy. I love being genderfluid.

Being a masochist is so hard. The dentist was using sharp implements and causing lots of pain as they say "you're doing so well" over and over again. Meanwhile I'm thinking "... this is so hot"

I am very sad

fortunately, somehow, my coworker had a spare PC he was wanting to get rid of that he hadn't touched in months that he sold me for $200. Despite its age it's still a better running PC than what I was using before. I need a new monitor to get it to work with an HDMI cable but the very thin thread that I my mental state was holding on by is now a little thicker

Almost done with face electrolysis

Soon starting bottom electrolysis

Just got asked by two different old ladies at the local crafts market if I'm studying fashion. I am simply too good at fashion.

It feels like just over the past few days it's become so much more obvious to myself that I have boobs. They're still itty bitty, but just over the past week it's like I've had to change the way I sleep and when I'm laying down and move my arm sometimes I brush against my chest and actually feel them. It feels like just a week ago I had to actually go out of my way to check that the estrogen was doing anything to my chest and now it's unavoidable. Kinda cool

It is kind of a blessing. We get to create ourselves in a way most cis people never do.

down with cis

I didn't get a chance to respond before the new mega but HOLY SHIT MY CENTER OF MASS MOVING DOWN??????

its so hot wtf

Parents are talking about moving back to a good state in a year ish if my dad gets this new job, god please, please let this happen. Let them pay to move me out of this shithole. If I'm a year on E then too... Maybe that's enough time... We will see. I'm trying not to get my hopes up.

I just took my E and my night meds and now I'm super snuggly, I just want forehead kisses and my hair played with. Currently hugging my pillow and imagining being snuggled

Just had the fucking funniest conversation at work. For context I offered to help this elderly woman earlier.

hey, I just wanted to say I've never had someone here help me (she's probably a regular, not 100% sure tbf), thank you

oh I'm sorry no one else helps you, thank you though!

I just wanted to say that, maybe I can tell you're a Christian.

No, I'm sorry I'm not.

Oh, well I was wondering if you are or if you'd be open to that.

No I'm sorry not right now.

I just want to leave you with one question, if you died tonight, where would your soul go?

I'm sorry, I really don't want to discuss religion at work. I will think about it for you though. Thanks again for saying something, you really made my day.

Like God damn just pulled out the entire "where would you go if you died" shtick. I've been laughing this whole time about that part, like that's just so funny to me. I don't think I've had someone do that to me yet. Her thanking me was really nice though not trying to knock that part. Also funny to me that she assumed I was a Christian from helping her (couldn't be further from the truth) and then without missing a beat tries to convert me.

Its so hot here im dyingggggg god why does the sun exist it shouldnt exist just go away already

I FUCKING BENT THE SHIT OUT OF MY CPU PINS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WTF IS EVEN WRONG WITH MY PC AND NOW I STILL DON'T FUCKING KNOW WHAT'S WRONG AND MY CPU IS FUBAR FUCKING WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY I ALREADY WANTED TO MYSELF TODAY

We out here being trans

What a feeling

Want to be a slut but too fucked up from my breakup to get the slutty vibes going. Guess I'll just rot in bed and read poetry that makes me cry ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

AHHHHHHHHHHH I HATE JOB SEARCHING!!!!!

i just want a job that wont break my body, but jobhunting is also so hard im either breaking myself over it or not doing it. Its all or nothing. All means burnout in 1-4 weeks, nothing means no job.

I applied for a job i actually wanted for once. Would have been good for me, and good for others (helping at risk people). Got the "we have recieved your application and will pass it along". Didnt hear back after that. Looked at the website today, job posting is gone. So much for that one i guess.

Ill keep looking. I can do work. But really, can i? I just want to go home not in pain (so no kitchen work) but that seems to be all there is. My body is trash that doesnt work right but im not disabled i can still do labour and i want to do labour but nothing is hiring and i have nothing to my name no degree no anything and im almost 30 and god its looking less and less good for me these days. even if i can do a job i wont get hired and thats assuming i can even apply just applying is so hard for me even when i want the job i cant get myself to write the cover letter and do the stuff needed to get the job. I want to i need to and it doesnt happen. WHERES MY FUCKING DOPAMINE!?

FUUUCCCCKKKKKK

I'm like 6 episodes into breaking bad and I really really hate this guy fuck me I want to shove him into a woodchipper

Talked to my ex. We were at the same crossing light and I felt it would be more awkward to continue pretending we didnt know each other. The cats are good, theyre working, they look healthy. They made it very explicit they dont wanna talk (fair!). They started to tear up and looked quite sad, I dunno if anyone else would've noticed.

One of the hardest parts of the breakup for me was also losing my best friend. Its a totally unreasonable dream (I know them pretty good) but I had hoped we could at least be friends one day. I was surprised how emotional they were getting about it because it's been more than 2 years, but then again I was surprised by own emotions yesterday.

my therapist today told me that things seem good for me and that we should take a break from appointments if I don't have any specific goals... never thought I'd just be "good" but I think she's right

I kinda miss having guy friends and their stupid shenanigans. All my guy friends have transitioned or we just naturally drifted apart after university and high school

::: spoiler 100% genuine, NSFW bottom surgery question. This is not a joke is phantom limb syndrome for your dick a thing or no :::

trying to give off a "girl who is clearly the one who can turn into a werewolf" in an urban fantasy novel. Wolf cut, broad shoulders, muscles, flannel, shredded midriff to die for, futchy PNW vibes

Full of energy and understimulared but also completely paralyzed and unable to figure out what to do. I love my brain

our cat destroyed our headphone cable and we had to pay obscene next day shipping costs because we cant exist without our headphones

*dies*

I have already made a number of strangers smile as a 6ft something 30 something t-slur yeets past them on a scooter on this first day of spring weather.

My go to flirting style is being unfunny and weird, need to work on that. Thus far tho it hasn't worked once but still I persist

up with trans

hey everyone, welcome to the first post i make while on my brand new not peeing the bed journey. unfortunately i'm only announcing the series today but i plan to start tomorrow

Turning on my queer laser it gives everyone that isn't queer a mild and slightly itchy sunburn

Missing my estrogen dose makes me hate my beard but then getting back in it makes me not care about my beard. Same is true for so many little dysphoric things. Whyyyy

girl who keeps mixing up Shallots and Scallions when writing her grocery list

I am very sad again. I think I need to open up with someone, but... Not right now, not yet. I need to probably write like, 3 pages. I need time to be sad. To process everything that I've pushed down. Maybe it will be fine, maybe it won't. For now, it's best not to think about it.

I forgot how not good it is to be called a guy, especially by a girl, especially especially a girl I feel is kinda above me. Looking into this

Six months on HRT gonna do whimsical shit like ride my large nephews scooter into the city for brunch.

::: spoiler misgendering Spent a week at my parent's place, and while they're both pretty supportive they keep accidentally using the wrong pronouns.

I try to tell myself it's just old habit, but I keep wondering if maybe I'm not feminine enough and that's why they mess up so often. Also, I had to try boymoding going out to dinner with my grandparents, which sucked. I need to tell them since I want them to still be in my life but idk if they would understand. :::

::: spoiler cw more kink tools and toys

I may have found a cheapish supplier of rattan.... Hmmmmmm... I mayyyy need to buy some and make some right propper canes for all the dommes i play with, as a thank you for treating me so poorly well... Last cane i made was from scrapwood and it broke the first time i used it. I want to find something a bit more reliable

Me when author writes a plot hole

Me when I write a plot hole

Is it possible to achieve gayness singularity? If so I'm afraid I might become a danger to myself and others

I went out to one (1) social event and was immediately punished with catching covid. It's fine I didn't need my lungs anyway

my corner of the internet feels so quiet today

I spent like 3.5 hours trying to make doors work in my game last night, nearly got it but had to write some glue code to get collisions on children remapped to a collision on the parent, and also sum bounding boxes to make proximity colliders idk I'm close though, pretty much everything else is working! Only 300 lines of code after a few iterations

my PC has been broken for 24 hours now, i still have no idea what's even wrong with it and i've played tech support all fuckin day

Being really really really ridiculously good looking is a burden sometimes 😔 asked a receptionist if I needed to sign anything and I assumed she was stunned and she didn't say anything only as I leave I'm asked for my signature for a form. I didn't want to take advantage of this tremendous power so I left gracefully, really every potential relationship I'll have will be lopsided so ethically it's best I stay strongest solider

::: spoiler Medical/body stuff

Is it bad that when I found a massive lump on my balls I was hoping it was something more serious than a cyst so I could get an orchiectomy?

Getting my balls cut off would be pretty lit :::

The good: Girl at work said I reminded her of Ariel

::: spoiler the bad (dysphoria + envy + dwelling) Got kinda in my head earlier and upset about the fact I'll never get to look like how other women my age look. The experiences either- idk its probably viewed as "immature" or whatever but idk. I sleptwalked through the last 6~ years and I feel like I missed out. And even looking forward, obviously it will take a will for hrt to do its thing. So its not even really like I get the next few.
::: spoiler slightly worse Low key don't feel like I'm ever going to get to be attractive and that is very sad to me.
:::

That already got kinda ugly at the end so I'm not going to worm post, second good thing is my check is going to be fuckin fat. Wish I could do this every week

Coming to terms that no matter how much I diet I'll always be closer to "guy who can flip a car" vs "uwu smol bean" I might as well start leaning into it at least this way I can keep my friends and family safe

I forgot the library was closed today so spent the day reading in the park. Been reading I'm Umberto Eco Foucault's Pendulum. I'm like 1/5 of it done now I feel like a reader

::: spoiler sex and sadness I try not to post about this for a bunch of reasons but its hitting me harder tonight. I feel really nervous and upset about the whole thing. I definitely have some bottom dysphoria, and just overall have no idea what I want to do, even fantasize about... I don't know. I worry about having a partner... would they be satisfied by me. What would I be able to give them, be enough, could I even do "sex". Even just nakedness seems really, really intimidating. I know, I could stay clothed and just do stuff to them, idk that doesn't really seem ideal to me..

Like even by myself I get really upset and dysphoric, zone out, etc... some times better/worse then others but idk. I am both really upset about it for me internally and hopefully having a partner- and there's probably even more wrapped up in that (like them rejecting/being frustrated with me for it) but this is already a lot of personalness to post :::

::: spoiler pet loss I lost a most loved pet about 9 months ago. Something happened that means he might come up in conversation again. I have never been so sad as I have after he died. Any thinking of him makes me cry. I can barely cry when I'm upset about the trans shit but he always makes me that sad even now. And now he's going to come up again. Everyone loved him.

Going through this makes me never want to get close to anyone again. It hurts so, so much when people or animals leave. I can't. And it's still so bad after this amount of time.

Oh god and another favorite pet is getting old too. I don't know how long he has left.

I don't want to love again. This is too sad :::

Oh no my dad is mad at me

on youtube trying to look up that one cover of that one song that doesn't exist because i made it up in my head

Finally got back on medicaid, took damn 8 months., just in time too, my body is falling apart. Victory is short lived though, next holiday season will come through and it'll be this bs yet again and then in May or June the store I'm at will close so that will bring its own problems. For now, finally no damn migraines ffs.

All tired and cuddly tonight.. One day. I have a few more posts cooking but I'll probably make them tomorrow at this point, eepy.

I'm inventing a new type of guy (girl):

::: spoiler genitals mentioned (funny) Girl who has issues about having sex with her penis, not because of bottom dysphoria, but because of completely unrelated Freudian insecurities. The guy(girl) is me. :::

https://www.reuters.com/world/uk/uk-transgender-woman-guilty-sex-assaults-male-partner-2025-08-22/

cw transphobia

if anybody cares that game we were talking about a few megathreads ago is called "lovely lady rpg"

trans furry disco elysium with 17 content warnings

we used to be like "but like why would you not vote for anybody instead of voting dem" and then we actually decided to read up and educate ourselves and realized "waow the "lesser of two evils" is still fucking evil shit would not be any better"

dunno what the purpose of this post is, just felt like putting that out there

Oops, thought about my ex and now I'm scream crying on the way to work

I'm so tired, I just wanna eep. But I can't yet.

At least transbian cuddles are waiting for me when I get home.

My Italian friends gave me a new nickname. La signora transessuale autistica. I don't speak Italian but isn't that nice?

I forgot what I was originally going to post today. A different topic it is then.

Anyone get kinda annoyed at how difficult it is to switch everything to FOSS alternatives and use them? I've been at this shit on and off for more than a year now, sustained off my hatred for the USA. I'm still nowhere near done (I gotta focus on my degree too lmao). Ok, I'm also a major procrastinator, but then again, normal people also are. I feel like we need some company to come out and sell pre-built phones with all the good shit already in them and configured.

And now my VLC player has also decided to say "fuck you" and stop playing videos for some fucking reason.

You don't need to read anything behind this spoiler tag and it will probably ruin your day/night if you aren't desensitised to wierd af things.

::: spoiler cw: sex and brutality I figured out the way to finally feel satisfied during mastrubation. All I have to do is go back to reading those fucked up comics where women (or men) get utterly brutalised and humiliated and killed and then imagine myself as one of them.

Glad to know that my mind still cannot think of my body as sexually desirable except as a cheap and convenient and disposable object. I can't imagine someone even paying to r*pe me.

What a healthy mentality. It is one thing to be masochistic (which I am), it is another to have such utterly negligible levels of self-esteem.

There's no fixing this with rationality. My mind is just like that. I don't even want to call it "broken" because that word means nothing to me anymore. What does a "fixed" mind look like? I don't know. I'd hate to say that the bigotry and anti-communism that passes for "normalcy" isn't it's own kind of "broken" existence.

Better for me to just stop fighting it and chill out. Whatever. I'm a psychotic pervert. Better to just say "when I was born I was exposed to levels of blah-blah-blah compound 56% above normal so I'm stuck with this brain wiring" and be done with it. Oops my circuits are deep fried in garlic chili oil, so can you really blame me for being like this .

Rant over. :::

I have to say, I really love you people.

::: spoiler misogyny thought my friendship with one of my cishet guy friends that was going roughly was on the mend, actually had gotten to the point where I had started to trust him again

then he decided to spend all of today constantly failing the Be Normal About Women challenge. I feel so fucking gross from being in the same space as him. guess that's what I get for assuming a cishet dude could be anything other than a slimeball. :::

I feel like I'm at a very exciting point in my transition. I'd kinda stagnated for a while not I just wanna do alllll the gender shit

Hi everyone. I'm feeling a little better than yesterday.

::: spoiler cw:dysphoria

Anyway, does anyone else feel like boymodding doesn't give them much dysphoria? I mean I'm currently dressed like I'm an elder British/Australian "man" living in the outback. I'm wearing short loose shorts, flip flops and a safari vest for carrying things (yes, I'm known around my uni campus as "the one who wear flip flops" and people in the past when I was dressed even worse have tried to donate clothes to me thinking I was homeless).

Setting aside my sad af way of presenting myself in public and my occasional jealousy when I see cute women's clothes, I feel very comfortable in my clothes, and being comfortable in my own skin is kinda really the only thing I care about when it comes to transitioning.

In fact, my biggest source of dysphoria right now is my weight, which I believe is probably genetic because my entire family family tree including my grandparents (except my dad for some reason) is like this. Everytime I see a skinny person on the street (which is very often) I fantasise about getting liposuction or magic. "Best" part is that this dysphoria combines with my gender dysphoria in the worst ways. :::

Updates on my little economy:

I just realised that it is literally impossible for this capitalist economy to function without a banking system (and ideally a central banking system).

All the transactions between the different producers do not change the amount of money in the economy (cause they can't print it). But that means that a large portion of producers would be forced to loose money and go into debt at every production cycle.

You need someone who can print money so that most producers can gain money at the end of the production cycle.

Kinda fucking obvious in hindsight lmao.

Kinda depressing seeing people way more qualified then me working my job instead of anything higher. The other day someone shadowed me and first thing I asked was if he ever did my job. Turns out he was a director at a much larger facility (at least 3, maybe 4x our size) and another one for several years. Tons of certs. In college. Still didn't get director at our facility (applied for it) and is now doing my job. Like fuck how am I going to move up when this guy is getting bumped down.

I don't wanna brag about [EXPUNGED] so I'm not going to brag about [EXPUNGED]

In unrelated news, I'm no longer with my parents! Kinda cruel to be happy about it since my mom was crying but like I was nearing my limit. Literally. My emergency hormone supllies were running out.

I know tarot is not real or whatever but it's still unnerving that I keep drawing the tower

This twinky lab tech is cute af

The same way white people within earshot of me go "it's just so easy to treat people like people and not be racist" I hear from straight dudes say the same but interchange racist with homophobic. Don't get me wrong I think it's great people aren't mean to me but it's a bit

got rejected again! i genuinely lost count of how many failed romantic attempts i've made in my life and ::: spoiler SI if my date next week doesn't pan out well I think I'll just attempt something else holy fucking shit I am the single least fuckable, least dateable person on earth. I actually think I am objectively moderately physically attractive too so clearly I'm not just ugly, I've just been condemned by the gods to be single and thirsty forever based off some sin I did in a past life or something :::

New mega, same post-breakup depression. Episode 25 and 26 of Evangelion (TV not EoE) hit so much harder when you've just been forcibly separated from the love of your life.

almost finished with Children of Time it's been a banger it's so good to read good sci-fi again

feels good to just read fiction again i don't know why it was so hard to start. internet really put a block on my brain

@MoonElf@hexbear.net my partner still has the Inanna hymn book on their work truck but they are going to send me good ones to post

::: spoiler negative Why do other people get to like this and I don't. It's just a source of suffering and pain for me. I know I'll look better on hrt, but that's not enough. That doesn't fix so much of the pain. ::: spoiler si I think about suicide every day because of this. Why does it effect me that way when so many other people love it.

My plan right now is to get on hrt (probably will be in the next couple of weeks but idrk) and then just wait until I can't stay in the closet anymore. And then just kms. I absolutely hate the thought of living as a trans person. I hate it, and I have hated it, and my feelings have no changed. What did I possibly do to deserve hating this existence when so many are okay with it. I just don't get it. I literally cannot imagine or understand why someone would like this. I am so far from being okay with it.

What an actual nightmare. I hate being out in public like this. Why can't I just go home yet. :::

::: spoiler cw: vidya gaymes Been playing a bunch of Project Tamriel: Cyrodil mod for Morrowind, it adds the city of Anvil and some of the areas around it, and I gotta say, it's really good.

The Arena Fighting storyline was basically Pro-Wrestling storyline and because I was playing as an argonian I got put in as a "Creature". Which lead into this fun match against the local dark elf heel whom I beat and the announcer went all "Fuck slavery " it was very performative and realistic.

The quests in general are really fun and show some trickery with the engine that Bethesda couldnt even dream of 20 years ago.

Anyways, modders good and Morrowind isnt as good as you remember, boomer. It's much better. :::

The one piece of Evolutionary psychology I remember is try to find a partner who likes your stink and vice versa. It did advise to shower and clean yourself and you know wear clean clothes. To the coupled couples here is this real chat, is this the aura that the kids talk about nowadays?

Category theory is complete insanity. It's diagrams and words look like they were made by madmen. Yes, this is a real page on wikipedia:

They had to add an "intuition" section for legal liability purposes.

"No your honor, there was an intuition section so the reader could have chosen to not have an aneurysm and their death from the brain hemorrhaging was on them"

If you are wondering how I got to this page, it is because I am trying to do economic simulations.

Tabling for my org at local pride fell through since leadership has been going through a lot and the deadline was actually missed weeks ago. I'm not too upset, since my partner and I were kinda pressured to step up to run the table and I was panicking about how to decorate and get table goodies at the last minute. I'm kinda annoyed about how volunteerist the org is (as opposed to having a more formalized leadership/volunteer system), but we probably won't be still living in town next year so I can wash my hands of it and just enjoy myself this weekend. It does mean that I need to rethink my Saturday outfit since I put it together around tabling and now I am going to be mobile.

::: spoiler sex (good) Total aside, but one thing that is really fun is that my partner's scalp is super-sensitive and I can actually bring them to a body O mainly through stimulating their scalp and hair. It has been a ton of fun figuring that out. :::

Just found out I missed my appointment with the endocrinologist this week because I wasn't looking at my calendar. I had already missed my last appointment because the doctor forgot to put it in the system. fml

::: spoiler talking about strap ons Underrated aspect of bottom surgery: picking your strap. Im a little limited cause I got my birth gock. Looking forward to having wolf strap, vibratory strap, big strap, silicone mold version of my gock (wanna use that on myself lol) :::

::: spoiler genital dysphoria oh i'm starting to feel it now. the weird sensation for where my body thinks my vaginal canal should be... the one that doesn't exist :::

Oh god, just got a haircut. It's a mullet. I like it a lot, but I'm not sure I can pull it off. I may have to go back next week, tail between my legs, and be like "no, I'm sorry, I can't do it, I'm much too boring for this super rad haircut, please boring me up please".

I'm trying out 29g fixed needles for castor oil and I knew drawing would be slow, but it took probably five minutes. Should I be doing something differently, or is that actually how long it takes?

Also, while I was drawing, there was some void space in the syringe from the low pressure. Is that okay, or should I try to minimize that?

hey pals, I'm back looking for some medical advice

my DIY HRT finally seems to be going well - I'm at the levels of T and E that I want to be on!

But something else has popped up that I'm a little worried about - my SHBG (sex hormone binding globulin) is above the normal range. From a little bit of reading transfemscience.org it seems like both estrogen and anti-androgens increase the amount of SHBG. So I'm thinking because my levels are where they need to be I should ease up on the anti-androgens, because I've heard that once estrogen is at a decent level it's harder to throw off the balance.

I guess I just want to check if my reasoning through this situation is ok and I'm not missing anything important thanks for reading this

My ability to gas light myself is amazing, I was just thinking damn I spend way too much time inside I don't even remember going outside for months and I literally been at the park every day for 2 weeks now. I'm gonna use this chat I'm gonna be great I'm gonna achieve real Quixote status levels of swagger.

Locking in is such a good phrase, "come on lock in" is my mental mantra now when I need to focus.

::: spoiler looking at old pictures I was going through deleting all my old social media, I'd been meaning to for ages and never got around to it, and was going through all the old pictures just in case there were some (of not me) I would want to keep.

I knew from the offset this could be bad, especially since before I figured out I'm trans and while I was repressing I presented hypermasc, so was kind of prepared for the worst.

I was lucky in that I didn't find any of them dysphoria inducing, looking at the really old ones my brain doesn't register that it's a picture of "me," but I was really affected by one of the pictures.

It was just a regular ass selfie, it was a couple of years before I started on HRT the first time and I wasn't out to anybody at the time or anything but it was around the time I started going clean-shaven and I had this gay ass little haircut, but my brain recognized it as me and saw it as a woman.

idk maybe it's silly but this was the first time seeing any sort of pre-transition picture of myself and it connecting with my brain, let alone seeing a pre-transition picture of me and my brain going "yup that right there is a woman." so anyway now I'm crying, but like good haha :::

I always look forward to doing my injection

::: spoiler horny+accidental anti-girl-cock propaganda I'm feeling a little lesbian today. Can't say that there aren't some cuties that make me go , but then I have trouble distinguishing "I would love to get my guts rearranged by her wearing a strap-on" vs "God please give me a figure and fashion sense like that".

In my defense of liking girls, I liked girls so much I became one!

To add on to the horniness, one of my dream scenarios is go meet up with another t-girl and then we can both engage in lesbian sex using strap-ons and purge the last remaining pretenses of masculinity away from our bodies and mind. The exact opposite of being an alpha male. Proving that our penises are nothing but vestigial attachments.

Ok that's enough horny fantasising.

:::

::: spoiler cw kink tools and toys

Ive devoted way too much time to planning out how to make a cat. Like, probably 30+hours all told. Have everything figured out. But cost. Tools and materials are 400-600USD. But! Looking online shows that the type of cat i want to make is sold for ~400-700USD. So, tools and materials would be roughly the same, but also i cant justify spending a months rent on that without a job to back it up.

::: spoiler plans

Id make a floppyhandle cat. Make a shot bag, bolster and bind it, plait some falls maybe with footknot on the ends cause its bigger and hurtyer, bind the falls together at the base, them cut and bind the loose strands, then sew it to the shot bag and then sew the bolster around and to the bound falls, bind over all of that, then plait over the handle up over the join and then finish with knots.

Saw my ex at a local festival, theyre working it. I think we're both decided simultaneously we didn't recognize each other lol. Its been a couple years, wasn't expecting... feelings or like any emotions. Weird

🎶If I could talk to my younger self now, I'd say
"Don't take nothin' for granted, kid
You haven't seen just how bad things can get
And you never know whatcha got 'til it's gone
You'll never know 'til it's gone"

Well, I could spew some cinematic apology
But it wouldn't do no good
The damage is done, so now all we do is run
And pretend our choices haven't killed the best in us🎵

Destroy everything and rebuilding is such an intoxicating feeling

If you ever feel like making another thread I'd be interested to see your original idea about the Cuban gun sights.

Going to do my partner's makeup for (local) pride (local pridefest is in August for some reason)! They haven't really tried a full face before due to skin sensitivity, but I think I can talk to the folks at Ulta and figure out something that will work for them.

Anyways, things have been going well over the past few weeks. My productivity on finding a job/personal projects has been atrocious, but I got a gym membership (the Y) and have been going relatively consistently. Otherwise, have definitely been enjoying being between positions and spending time with my partner. I miss my kitties (apartment doesn't allow pets, but I may give it another shot to convince the landlord) but they're doing well at my folks place.

I can excuse people with slutty backpacks but I draw the line at advertisements trying to flirt with me!

Girlsaustion: (noun) The state of mind where the individual is tired of thinking about being a girl without having made any progress towards that goal in a while

Sometimes, I wanna be a [REDACTED], other times I wanna be a [REDACTED]. But mostly, I wanna be an [REDACTED]

having actually gotten shallots these groceries instead of naively getting only scallions, I do have to say that shallots are pretty great

oh hey never mind, i found the exact song i need to sing next karaoke night. I had no idea that there even was a karaoke version of anything this artist made

Just painted 70% of my nails, deep blue sparkles on the middle fingers and navy blue creme on the rest. Now I'm sitting here thinking about stripping it all off and putting on my favorite red... again. Agony.

I really miss working with kids 😭😭

I didnt think I would. My last job kinda sucked cause of the unit culture and my coworkers. Also being in my shitty hometown far away. But I actually legitimately wish I was doing more pediatrics work 😥

I finally finished the 2nd Dorley Hall book

Next reads will be either Sexing the body, Capital vol 2, or something else

I remember watching mashlee: muscles and magic first because it looked funny and then later just because I really like how it played with the premise I guess shonen harry potter. It does a damn good critique on all the fascist elements in harry potter and what living in a fascist magical world would do to an mf. There are a lot of redemption among the antagonists but like I don't mind it so much since it being still a high school setting most of the baddies there are teenagers who in their own way are heavily suffering under the fascist state they live in.

Dorley Hall and Serious Weakness

::: spoiler spoiler I've been reading some books mentioned here, only have read he first Dorley Hall book , love it, I think I'll start the sequel after I finish Serious Weakness. Serious Weakness is quite long but I'm flipping through pages quickly. Only thing I dislike is how much the r-slur is used. Other than that I'm pretty captivated with the plot around Trianon and Insul. :::

exercise

::: spoiler spoiler For some reason, I think I'm not getting enough gains even though I'm exercising everyday with the exception of a rest day. :::

Working on this economy simulation thing is draining my soul. Why must the math gods torture me so?

Loading up the piss canon again, on the hunt for some wasps

Got a bottle of nail polish remover on hand, filling out applications for a job now that I got good transportation again. I got one place related to HVAC I wanna go in but I'm willing to find elsewhere if needed. Having money to go out and do stuff other than hanging out at the library would be cool.

On my whimsical journey I got to talking to a nice old lady outside a shop, turned out she works/worked in a healthcare field somewhat adjacent to mine.

When I told her my job she said "wow you must be one of the last men in that field, it's all women these days"

I lost it giggling and was Iike "so funny story..."

She was very chill, found it funny too and asked me a bunch of curious questions. I didn't mind because she was at least 70.

It's come to the point that it doesn't matter how bad my nail polish looks as long as I got some on 💅 it's pretty bad rn lol

and the black knight was an odd game like you can swing the wiimote around wild but there are visual and auditory cues that if you line up just right can let you finish a boss very quickly. It's kinda what I love about these games having a learning curve that once you master it it's like a flow you enter. That flow state is akin to watching a cut scene, like I'm doing everything right and it feel cinematic far different from QTE where you have to wait for the next press and get the sequence right.

I can honestly say playing games is a lot like playing a musical instrument. Sometimes I be playing something so nice that I'm listening to myself and I can swear I'm listening to a recording as I dissociate and just watch. I force myself back just to interrupt myself to make sure the music was coming from me and not a recording. That's how I feel with

Hey, so, I always like it whenever I find album/song recommendations on Hexbear, so this morning, after seeing this post, I decided to give "More Constant Than the Gods" by SubRosa a listen.
I started listening to the first song and I have to say that it started great, like a good album that I would listen to a few more times and then who knows, I was listening the first two songs for the first time and I was enjoying my time.

Then I had to get out of the house to go to work, so I take my wireless headphones and keep the music going, as I approach the metro station, the third song "Cosey Mo" starts (keep in mind that the first two together are 25min, that's why I was still at the third one), I get to the platform and the metro is right there, slowing down and stopping at my station (lucky me for not having to wait I guess).
That said, as I'm getting into the car of the train, I see that mine has an issue with the lights, instead of being the classic strong, cold white, office like light, it was almost dark, with only a feeble red light being emitted. I guess that light was maybe the emergency light for when the normal, more powerful light, doesn't work ? Anyway that doesn't stop me from sitting down on an available seat and prepare to wait for my stop in a few minutes.

Then the doors close, the train starts gaining speed, and as we exit the station, my train car is quickly engulfed by darkness, with nothing but that feeble red light.
And here, as I was inside the metro, moving in darkness, occasionally interrupted by either another train, with fully working lights, passing by; or by a station as I was surrounded by the noise of the wheels on the rails, and the brakes, and the vibration of all this movement; and the music, playing in my hears, all of this things started to combine together into a unique vibe that is hard to describe with words. All of it became part of a symphony and I suddenly felt like I was inside the song, living both here and there at the same time, in unison. There was no more metro moving and making noise, there was no more darkness and lighting, there was no more music, but rather, for lack of better words, I just felt for a moment, as if there was harmony between all of this things and they were one.

It was an interesting thing that, while I tried, I probably didn't to a good job of describing.

DIY Xander Cage be like "stop thinking prog police and start thinking PlayStation"

Listening again to Forrest Valkai’s huge scientific gender/sex infodump and absolutely loving it (again):

https://youtu.be/nVQplt7Chos

I feel like every cis person should be forced to watch this video at gunpoint.

Got back to yakuza kiwami 2, played through the cabaret club to completion. Glad they saved it from 0, did love my goat Yuki coming back. There comes a time when playing yakuza games when you have to go back to the main story though I've already done it on the ps2 I know what's gonna happen. Kiwami 2 is nice but idk it lacks the sauce of the original

That moment when the math problem you've been working on finally clicks. Yes, after all that nonsense with my economic simulations giving me trouble, I finally figured out how to make it work.

I was previously trying to make a systemic description of an economy with many competing production lines producing the same set of commodities but with different efficiencies. My mathematical description (linear algebra) was working in every sense except that it would make me run many production lines in reverse (cause linear algebra can't tell the difference).

That is obviously a problem cause you can't uncast an iron pot not can you unburn coal or unfeed a person.

However, if you think of my description of the economy as a change in the state of the economy rather than the state of the economy it all works. Cause while you can't unbuild a building, you can reduce the amount of buildings being built. The linear algebra in both cases is the same. It's just a matter of perspective.

I can't believe I didn't think of something so simple before! This is a standard way of dealing with non-linear systems taught in 101 classes. I mean ok, it does change the meaning of my equations quite a bit. But still, I think I can do something with this.

I found YouTube links in your post. Here are links to the same videos on alternative frontends that protect your privacy:

Link 1:

• yewtu.be
• inv.nadeko.net
• yt.artemislena.eu
• piped.video

Link 2:

• yewtu.be
• inv.nadeko.net
• yt.artemislena.eu
• piped.video

I like the theory that pocket adventure is the transition piece of 2d to 3d with all just from eggman's drip I want to believe it so I will