Shabby Lemmy

11mon

386

Trans Megathread from August 11th, 2025 to August 17th, 2025

Hello everyone~ I hope you are all doing okay.

If you will permit me some self-indulgence, I have, as of today, been trans for 5 years. It's been an interesting and long journey already, but I don't think I'd give it up for anything. I wrote a lot going through some of that journey as a way to work through certain emotions for myself. It's all quite heavy, and I suspect uninteresting for anyone who is not myself. But I felt I had to, for my own sake if no one else's. Please do not feel like you need to read it if it is too much or you don't have any interest in it. I promise I will not mind at all, I wrote it all for myself, after all.

::: spoiler 5 years (CW: Horror, Internalised Transphobia, Identity Collapse, Parental Abuse, Hair) 5 years ago today, a boy sits in an airport lobby, patiently waiting for a flight to take him away from his current home to a new one. The boy is used to this; he has done it so many times that it has become nearly ritualistic for him to abandon everything and everyone after a few short years in any given place. The only company he ever maintains through these upheavals are his direct family. Yet even that thinned as his siblings moved away for school and, temporarily over the next year, his father would be stuck working elsewhere away from the family. So it was that the boy and his mother were the only two who would be boarding this flight and settling at their next home.

The clock is ticking, but it will still take an hour for the plane to arrive. He scrolls and scrolls and scrolls, hoping it will help burn the wick of time even a little bit faster. But not much is worth reading or remembering: the strongest emotions he feels are slight giggles at memes of the current new game, mild anger at bad takes, or simple awe at a work of art. The scrolling continues.

But wait! Young boy, this next post might catch your eye! A simple meme in pink and blue, expressing a simple affirmation for trans girls. Something stirs. This is nothing new for him, he has been reading these memes for months at this point. Yet somehow, despite this familiarity, this random meme has found its mark and pierced his heart. The stirring grows. For months while reading these memes and researching transness he had undergone a probabilistic analysis of himself. His mind has been a flurry of gender confusion for a long time now, though the probability never rose beyond 50%. He had wanted to become a femboy for years, yet never dared try. So why had he been feeling this way these past months? Dread starts to set in. He thinks it may be over 50% now. A silent panic arrests him. The vision of his future self collapses. What will he do now if this probability is true? He can't tell anyone, not his mother who ridiculed him anytime he showed vulnerability, nor his friends online who will be unable to reach him in just a short while when he is on the plane. He is stuck, simply waiting, as a myriad of wordless feelings race to dominate his mind.

He boards the flight. 8 hours go by, and he is completely numb through it all. His mother is next to him, but he is completely isolated in his thoughts, in his wordless fears. The hours pass as a slow dismantling of his identity occurs, parts cannibalised by the newborn which has yet to fully emerge. Anxious and lonely, unseen by all, the stirring reaches its crescendo.

She reaches her new home. The numbness is still there, but at least she can try to rest now that she is somewhere safe. She enters the bathroom to find a dirty tub covered in so much hair one might think it was growing out of some pores hidden by the grime, like a mockery of the dark fur covering her body which she so loathed. She is still too numb to care. She runs the water and sits in the muck as it fills the bath at her feet. trying to wash away the fear of the day. It doesn't work. The muck rises further, high enough now to hide the pieces of him adorning her body. She shuts off the water and lays back. She tries to avoid thinking about it. But she can't deny that the body which he thought was okay now feels like a prison. She realises that maybe it always did, and he was just a mask to hide it. With the porcelain of the mask peeled back a little, the pulsating flesh beneath is vivid and clear, deformed and wretched in every respect. She washes herself quickly, wishing she could feel ignore this again. She never will.

Eventually she gets in bed and, alone in her room, messages one of her friends. Honestly friend is too strong a word, this person is more of an acquaintance. A trans woman who months previous insisted that the boy was in denial of his transness. At the time this insistence simply felt as barbs that pushed him further into denial. The irony was not lost on the girl now. Though nonetheless the woman gloated as though it were. Their conversation continued, the woman offered advice on surgery and DIY HRT, but for the girl stuck dependent upon her family, these were wholly useless. How could she even attempt to afford DIY without a job? How could she get a surgery anytime soon? Why was this woman so insistent on these as the correct and only way to be?

The conversation lulled and so the girl went to look for any other options near her. Surely there is something, anything that she can do. Surely it isn't hopeless yet. An article flashed by. There is a local clinic which offered informed consent HRT! Yet she felt the pang of excitement turn to anguish as she kept reading. It was set to be shut down in just a few days, far too soon for her to do anything. Her face felt wet. The tears she held back would wait no longer. :::

::: spoiler 4 Years (CW: Parental Abuse, Transphobia, SI, Digital SH) 4 years ago today, a girl lays upon her bed. She is encased by a smooth ceramic prison in the shape of a boy, locked by her parents who threw away the key. The mask which began to show its first cracks a year ago is even further degraded now, letting in more and more hurt, but the lock holds her behind it. Despite this degradation, her parents insist on ignoring the signs, on ignoring her needs.

Months earlier, she tried to pull the vicious mask off before it could mar her body any further. Against her better judgement, she chose a day to tell her mother. A poorer choice could not have been made. On that day, the boy she was introduced the girl she is to her mother. For the next three nights her mother wept incessantly. The girl, feeling a putrid shame and remorse well up inside, comforted her mother throughout it. They both had no one else, after all. Yet no matter how hard she tried, the girl could not change her mother's view. She would forever be a murderer, the one who killed the boy and now possessed his body like a malignant devil. She would be a disgusting mockery of womanhood, ugly and insulting in every respect. She would be the one who became a monster within the family that would tear its last vestiges apart. And through it all her mother was sure to let the girl know of one thing: if she ever transitioned, her mother would kill herself.

During these nights, her mother insisted upon telling the rest of the family. The others all said they would support her. Her brother was foremost among them, and actively argued with their mother to defend the girl, though it helped little. Her sister spoke with the girl in private, to help comfort her. Finally, her father said that they would, upon his return, help the girl get a therapist. These statements of support simply incensed her mother's fury further. She would degrade the girl at every turn, until eventually her daughter put back on the mask shaped like her son. Encasing herself in the porcelain prison willingly to avoid the fire of her mother as much as possible.

But the girl would keep trying in private: She would train her voice so others might hear her instead of the boy, she began to rid herself of the fur that marred her skin, and she would practice styling her hair in private, adorning her prison in ways that hid the mask with herself. Any time her mother caught wind, however, she would lash out. Once, upon catching the girl taking a photo in a mirror, she demanded to know if the evil child was selling her son's body to some pimp. Once, after demanding to know if she was still possessing her son, the mother burned the girl's books.

Through it all, the girl focused on the hope that, once father arrived, she could at least get the therapy that she needed so she might get HRT to fix her continually degrading body. But when he arrived, he never once mentioned the therapy, never once even used the nickname he promised to use. The girl was hurt, but too afraid to mention it herself. She set herself then on possibility that lay on the horizon: her sister's visit in August. She waited and waited for the day, until it finally arrived.

The memories were fresh in her head, but she tried to pay them little mind. She continued to lay on her bed until she heard a car outside. Her sister arrived. The two spoke, quickly connecting again. After a few minutes, they went to the girl's room. There, she pulled the mask of the porcelain boy back a little to ask her sister if she might help the girl speak with father. Her sister refused, insisting that their father would have no problem if the girl asked him herself. But the girl was afraid, she could not do it alone. So she let it go and never tried.

That night, feeling alone and hopeless, she turned on her phone to try and distract herself. She opened sites filled with those like her mother and read what they would say, trying to numb everything. It wasn't enough. She read a post referencing a suicide statistic, then thought of going to the nearby bridge and jumping. Everything was hopeless, after all. No one would ever see the girl as herself, they would either insist upon the cracked mask as the true self or leave the girl to rot on her own. Nothingness seemed a lot better than that. This was nowhere near the first or last time the girl would have such thoughts. But, for a change, the thoughts elicited a new emotion: Anger. She refused to have her entire gods damned life be summed up as a dot in a statistic that would be used to hurt others like herself. She refused to let her mother keep her locked in a porcelain prison. She resolved herself then and there: she would save herself if no one else would. She would break the last vestiges of the mask of the boy. :::

::: spoiler 3 years (CW: Passage of Time related worries) 3 years ago today, a girl sits in an office wearing the mask of a boy. She is procrastinating on her computer by browsing pixiv. As she scrolls through the pictures, she spots an artwork that speaks to her like no other. It is very simple, two girls walking side by side and drinking coffee. But one of the two looks just like the girl, with a slightly square face, light brown hair, and brown eyes. She's even taller than her friend and has a side-braid just like the girl wants to have! The girl's love for it is so strong that she immediately sets it as her pfp.

This feeling, however, has little long-term effect in improving her mood. Time has seemingly stood still for the past year, nearly everything remained the same. But it hasn't; the girl was at university discovering her love of learning and teaching. And now, she had a job. While she continued to hide behind the mask, the first steps towards her reaching HRT were falling in place. Months earlier, she had concocted a plan to receive it: Money was the first priority, then she would seek a psychologist for a diagnosis, then finally she would be able to receive it secretly while still living with her parents until university finished. Yet try as she might, she could not find a psych, and the time limit she imposed upon herself was fast approaching. The lack of progress felt like failure as she watched the candle of time burning near its base. She could feel her body decay more and more into the prison with each passing day, even if she could not see it. Through it all she still worried about how she would look in the future. But she could push past the pain, at least for now. Because the little progress she had made was enough to help her drag on. After all, time hadn't run out yet. :::

::: spoiler 2 years (CW: Facial Hair) 2 years ago today, a girl sat at her desk refreshing a page which tracked her first ever dress. Excitement filled her every cell, to the point where she nearly forgot the mask she hid behind, the ceramic prison encasing her body. She knew, even before putting it on, that the dress would make her happier than anything else. But there was yet more which excited her; she had in fact found a psych and got a diagnosis, and with it she had an appointment to receive HRT which was only a month away. After everything, the mask could finally fall away and let the girl bloom, repairing her body from the degradation it underwent.

But that degradation would stick with her, too. A few months prior, she began to need to shave on a daily basis to keep the appearance of a clean shave. This final symbol of her prison held her down, a stake rammed into her hand that would bolt her to it. It horrified her as she watched the prickling hair crawl out of the seams of her face to cover it all. Every morning routine now served as a reminder of her failure to go quick enough. A sting akin to a cut that would never go away.

The girl got up. Worrying about this would do her little good. She walked over to pick something to eat, yet as she did so she caught a glimpse of someone in the mirror. The immediate trait that jumped out was the person's long hair. So she thought, briefly, that the girl in the mirror was pretty.

She didn't realise until she returned to her room that the girl was herself. :::

::: spoiler 1 year (CW: Parental Abuse) A year ago today, a woman sits on her floor in an elaborate dress. In front of her is a cup of tea with a tart that she had made herself. There is no mask on her, though she keeps the discarded husk of the boy she once was around, both for when it is necessary and as a memento to remember where she came from.

The family the girl was once so beholden to is no longer holding her down. Months prior, they had learned of her plans and began to abuse her yet again. Now both mother and father insisted upon her inevitable ugliness, the mistake that she was making, and how she would be gone to them. Matters were not helped by the cousin who visited and was treated as the ideal child by her own mother. She lost count of the days she would cry herself to sleep or the times that she would need to chant some phrase to avoid thinking about her mother's threats of suicide.

One night, while she was still awake, her mother came to her, and began to yell how she needed to get out of the house, how she wants her to be homeless because she is not her son but simply some devil possessing him. The girl didn't budge, but the worries began to creep that night.

The next day, her father told her directly to prepare to move out. The girl had an indeterminate amount of time to get a new home and job to pay for it lined up. Alone. She quickly found a cheap apartment, and as soon as she had the tour lined up her father declared that that day, the day of the tour, would be the day she would have to leave. She did not even have confirmation she'd get the apartment in question, nor a job at the time. The girl packed her bags over the next few days between bouts of crying and a difficulty breathing which she had never felt prior.

While this was occurring, she also finally received her HRT. The first pill felt like a tingle as it slowly dissolved, and immediately she felt the fog that always obscured her mind clear, but with it the emotions came crashing down harder than ever before.

Over the next days, as she left her home, she was in a dazed, zombie-like state, simply going through the motions to set herself up. She had the luck of having friends offer their places, but the transition to her adulthood was rough nonetheless. Through the next months she would move 3 more times to different places, and gradually have to become more and more independent before eventually, she could no longer consider herself a girl.

But through it all, she reached a happiness she never felt before. The woman who took the place of that scared girl is content with where she is; she is pretty, independent, and can finally be who she is. No pain in her past can change that. :::

::: spoiler Today Today, a woman sits at her desk writing a short autobiography of her transition. She is on the verge of tears. She continued to go further, become more independent, and more content with herself. There has been other pains, but it does not change the lovely feeling of watching herself bloom into the beautiful woman she imagined all those years ago. :::

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TerminalEncounter [she/her] - 11mon

Ive met a few people who were touch-me-nots or mermaids until bottom surgery, never know if thats what's up for you. Like, bottom dysphoria sucks and it happens even if youve never noticed before cracking your egg. Or, yeah, maybe youre ace - which is completely valid. Below is just my thoughts if being asexual is less your orientation and more how youre reacting in the moment to frustration.

::: spoiler spoiler If youre on E now, its gonna be different than what youre used to. For me, T horniness and masturbation was almost purely mechanical and about serving a need right then and there. I always felt gross after. There was nothing fun about it, but it did get done! Cause of the T lol. If you've got E running your system now, you have to change your approach and do not expect a quick rub to fulfill your need - youre also likely more honest with yourself now about your needs than you were before, probably. Before you might have been drinking shitty beer in the desert with no oases, works for survival but not sustainable - now youre at a buffet and safe and you dont have to drink the shitty beer only.

For me, E means having to take time and build up and involve other parts vs T quickly rub it out and feeling gross and finish. E also involves a lot of self-love and a self image of yourself as desirable and sexy (apparently this is similar for cis women). You dont have to be feminine about it, it just takes longer and way more self love! Maybe you need to read something sexy or whatever to get you in the mood. If you have a partner, Ive eaten out pre bottom surgery trans women like they had a pussy, very little to no focus on the other part just that kind of perianal/gooch zone, and from what Ive been told and seen it worked well. If you haven't, you should check out the Fucking Trans Women zine and see what makes sense to you in there.

If you want to be feminine, yes there's effort thats required to pass or whatever (I often feel like I go 90% of the way and the cis struggle to make that last 10% 🙄) but femininity is something inside you too - its not about surgeries or hormones or clothes or how you sound or sex. If you dont want to be all that feminine but still be trans femme, that is 100% allowed. If you want to be feminine and be trans femme, yeah thats allowed too. If when you think about being feminine that doesnt make you feel happy, you dont have to keep going for it! If its just the work thats putting you off and the thought of being feminine fills your heart with joy, then yes the work is worth it, keep going do not give up. :::

#[derive(Resource, Default)] struct ViewModelAnimations(HashMap<String, (Handle<AnimationGraph>, AnimationNodeIndex)>); fn build_animation_lut( mut er_loaded_viewmodel: EventReader<AssetEvent<Gltf>>, handle: Res<ViewModelHandle>, gltf_assets: Res<Assets<Gltf>>, mut graphs: ResMut<Assets<AnimationGraph>>, mut view_model_animations: ResMut<ViewModelAnimations>, ) { for event in er_loaded_viewmodel.read() { let AssetEvent::LoadedWithDependencies { id } = *event else { continue; }; if id != handle.0.id() { continue; } let gltf_asset = gltf_assets.get(id).unwrap(); for (name, clip_handle) in &gltf_asset.named_animations { info!("discovered named animation {name}"); let (graph, index) = AnimationGraph::from_clip(clip_handle.clone()); let graph_handle = graphs.add(graph); view_model_animations .0 .insert(name.to_string(), (graph_handle.clone(), index)); } } }

gaystyleJoker [she/her] - 11mon

who wants to make a mega? if you don't reply i will ban you from my People I Respect list

* after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters

Tommasi [she/her, pup/pup's] - 11mon

i don't wanna do that, but i shouldn't be banned from the respect list

inTheShadowOf [she/her] - 11mon

I think some mod accountability is in order. You shouldn't lose respect over that.

you have been added to the please shut up list

you have officially been added to the pissing me off list

nuh-uh, i would already be on that list if it existed

lists you are a part of:

pissing me off
about to get thrown through drywall
horse fan

segfault11 [she/her, any] - 11mon

can you add me for the week of May 2-8, 3025

you have been added to the clowns and jokesters (derogatory) list

you assume I won't live for another 1000 years but just watch i-do

so you're gonna outlive the site by 998 years and then do a mega?

i won’t just live that long, i’ll make a trans mega even if the site is gone fuckin-deserve

Des [she/her, they/them] - 11mon

i have performance anxiety and everyone already did my favorite media and Goddess so hopefully i don't have to turn in my badge trans-hammer-sickle and gun trans-gun

@MoonElf@hexbear.net if 2 weeks from now is too soon just let me know, sorry for not replying sooner

XiaCobolt [she/her] - 11mon

Yo I bought my first dresses as a trans woman.

I have some dresses from before but I got those when I was closeted and some were as sex costumes so I have brain worms about wearing them but still won't throw them out just yet.

These ones are brain worms free!

EstraDoll [she/her, he/him] - 11mon

if i could turn my anxiety into money then i could afford every t girl surgery i wanted out of pocket

Wmill [they/them, fae/faer] - 11mon

this one I hated but then I loved, guess I gotta give a shot paints I'm not too keen on at first

💕it’s somewhere between 🍒 and 🍉

ty I got pomegranate in my mind tbh

yewler [she/her] - 11mon

Dear god I have kissed the days of laying on my belly behind

SuperZutsuki [they/them] - 11mon

Booba too big?

Yeah booba too big for belly sleeping. Or I should say I did it and woke up regretting it lol

Good morning, trans mega. I am newly single and NOT ready to mingle kitty-cri-screm

Care-Comrade

cuddle

lilypad [she/her, it/its] - 11mon

meow-hug

::: spoiler spoiler

Im sorry after everything that happened things moved this direction. It sucks when things fall apart. Big hugs and if your like me get a tub of ice cream and some dark chocolate, it doesnt help but does make me feel a little better.

::: spoiler spoiler It hurts so much to spend 8 amazing months with someone and then hear they can't keep going with that level of connection. They also seem like they're realizing they're demiromantic ("romantic attraction is something that only happens when the stars align" as they said) and I guess the stars only aligned for us for those 8 beautiful months kitty-cri :::

::: spoiler spoiler Big giant hugs, that sucks. Take time and be in yourself, cater to your own self, your wants and needs. Im sorry i have no real advice aside from the bog standard treating yourself well and spending time with friends. It hurts, and its ok to hurt, and hurting is even kinda good in some ways, it means you care and are full of life.

0x2640 - 11mon

so tired of hearing the "not all men are bad" argument for the 129841272nd time

BountifulEggnog [it/its, she/her] - 11mon

the broke all men are bad vs the woke all cis are bad

Okay now that Ive been hit on by a gross dude asking to suck my pussy I would like to go back to being hit on exclusively by trans cat girls thank you

KrupskayaPraxis - 11mon

Being a trans woman means you have to learn social cues again since the cues learnt as a man don't mean jack shit anymore. But since being raised as a man means you were excluded from that means you don't have have manly cues so instead of starting from .5 you actually have to start from zero

I didn't have to relearn anything, being quiet and distant and vaguely menacing is the same whether you're male or female disgost

The only cue I had to relearn was apparently you cant say your friends look tired when they look tired. Apparently that is mean girl style behaviour. I was not aware, I thought I was expressing solidarity cause I was also very tired at the time lol. I guess there's a few other things that I used to tell my cis friends "sorry they didnt give me the 'how to be a girl' book when I transitioned" but now I cant even remember what it all was 😭. Its only been 5 years, all the old guy stuff fell away so fast...

I have to learn the social cues for "normal" people, then the social cues for my friends, and then people get upset with me when i dont understand whats happening or refer to myself as socially incompetent or similar. doggirl-cry

::: spoiler vent Just so tired of people defining me. Like, i dont want power over others, i let others define themselves, why cant they let me define myself? If i refer to myself as socially incompetent then they get upset and ignore the very real difficulty i have understanding social shit.

Or like i have life cycles that dont line up with my friends astrology stuff and they get upset with me and redefine my life out from under me and all of a sudden the big important things are unimportant and the unimportant things are super important, and im sitting there like "yes, that period of my life where i did this inconsequential thing is truly the pinnacle of my existence, certainly not the period where i uprooted my entire life and changed everything".

Or like i define boundaries through body language (stepping back while pushing someone away) and they get even closer.

Or when they hold a knife to my throat and ask me if its ok they hold a knife to my throat. This isnt my first rodeo, i know you dont say no when theres a direct threat of death.

I think im done with this friendship.

Maybe friendship in general. Everyone decides they understand me and doesnt ask questions but dictates who and how i am to me. Im tired of people trampling and removing my agency because i dont try to assert power over them. I DONT TRY TO DEFINE YOU I LET YOU DEFINE YOURSELF SO STOP TRYING TO DEFINE ME AHHHHHHH doggirl-tears

Yea its so fucked. So many subtle social things. Plus autism already making it hard.

custom print bisexual pride flag that says "it's adam and eve not adam OR eve"

I wore a dress outside my house to work all day and it went perfectly fine. The world didn't end and everyone was nice to me. Then I came home and put a different dress on and then walked to get takeaway food. How crazy is that?

this was really good, thank you for posting it. i think i sometimes get caught up in the day to day stuff and forget to appreciate how far i've come so this was a good reminder

🎀 Seryph (She/Her) - 11mon

Thank you for the kindness Mega-tan, I'm glad you enjoyed it. It definitely is important, that's why I like to keep track of these little anniversaries.

Beetle [hy/hym] - 11mon

It’s kind of funny how the trans mega is the place to go to for safely complaining about misogyny. But do other people also get uncomfortable about how people talk about Sydney Sweeney? Mainly the weird comments about her body even here on hexbear.

Also while I’m complaining about site culture anyways: I also struggle a tiny bit with that in the trans mega it’s part of the culture to assume every trans person is a ‘she’. I know that it’s kind of a funny play on that normally people assume anyone is a ‘he’ and that most people here are women and use she/her pronouns anyways.

It’s kind of weird to grow up as the ‘other gender’ and now feel like that again but other way around (kind of since I’m more masc than feminine but mostly non binary). It’s a small thing though and I don’t want to ruin the nice vibes you all have here.

shallot [she/her] - 11mon

Do we do that? That sucks. >:(

I think the trans she/her default has more to do with hexbear budding off the chapotraphouse subreddit, and as it was reddit it mostly attracted men and those were weren't men and just didnt know it yet. Hence, more trans women all this time later. On Tumblr, every trans person was a trans guy (although I guess thats changed a lot over the last 5 years) for similar reasons. It would be nice to get more trans mascs to come here but the inertia from the old sub is what it is. I guess it's also easier to relate with a bunch of other trans femmes so that's who the sites gonna keep attracting unless people keep making conscious efforts to be welcoming to trans masc people and enbies.

I really don’t mind that the majority of trans people here are women (although we have lots of non binary folks as well). Just the defaulting to ‘she’ and the common implied assumption that all trans people are femme can sometimes bother me. It makes sense when the community consists of mostly femmes.

I was one of the few lost transmascs on reddit

MusicOwl [comrade/them, sie/hir] - 11mon

friend sent me a text that is so real

https://turn-me-into-a-girl.com/

😁😁🏳️‍⚧️😁😁

I remember that site! I'm glad it's still up

I swear it was not this site! ~~It was an eggirl meme.~~

I have an open offer to move into a house with a bunch of queer and trans people I know and love in a nicer city but it would make my commute 50 minutes (vs. 25) and my monthly rent/utilities/gas costs would increase by 40%. Their rent goes up every year and mine hasn't gone up in 4 years. My current roommates are nice but not cuddle puddle nice. It's a hard decision to make. If it was closer to work or less of a cost increase there would be no question. I need to tell them by Sunday blob-help

Eco [she/her, he/him] - 11mon

hello

Finally caught up a bit with my cousin which was very nice. One of the things she said is her parents are very accepting and would definitely be willing to advocate for me/talk to my parents about things. So that's nice at least, I had assumed our parents would talk about it anyway so knowing they'd be good is nice to know. I still feel really nervous and hesitant to tell my family though.

RION [she/her] - 11mon

Talking about medication prices/availability with my dad as he's on some stuff with his heart and he's like "oh well you're not on anything particularly unusual right?"

Uh nope, no sir side-eye-1

Soooooo how do i take care of my legs? The hair is thick and shows no sign of thinning, and whenever i shave them it not only takes multiple hours, but within hours of shaving i get terrible bumps and the like. Even with moisturizer every day it gets like this. And the moisturizer feels terrible on my skin, it feels gross and sticky... And the ingrowns oh god the ingrowns! I get them even when i dont shave! I am exhausted by this, i need to fix this. My leg hair is one of the most dysphoric aspects of my body and it is terrible. And laser is 700 USD per leg per session.

And the epilator works but takes a longgg time and gives me even worse ingrowns... That is, when it doesnt just break the hairs outright.

nemmybun [she/her, sae/saer] - 11mon

And laser is 700 USD per leg per session.

That's way too much doggirl-shock

This was a few years ago but I got a deal on Groupon for like 90% off or whatever for a number of sessions. I just checked to see if that's still a thing and it seems to be, at least in my area.

If you still want/need to shave/epilate, try to exfoliate before doing it to see if that helps with ingrowns.

I know, the laser in this town is fucking expensive. And like, they even leave out a tip jar!! I did the math, for full face they are getting 400-600 USD per hour, and they put out a goddamn tip jar?? Idk the relationship with management, maybe everyone is getting paid pennies, but goddamn that is lowkey insulting to all the fucking minimum wage workers out there.

Yeah I agree. Not every service job in the US needs to beg for tips especially when charging such exorbitant rates

Is there a larger city nearby? You might find better prices there

I looked around and found some places outside of town like an hour drive. They charge 800-1k USD for 6 "large area" sessions. So ill probably try that, cause they have groupons for 300 USD for 6 sessions (ty for the tip btw). Probably for my face first i think, cause its the most difficult for me.

I actually found two places, one uses alma soprano diode laser and the other uses alexandrite laser. I couldnt find a lot of info online that explained its claims (just that diode was better for coarse hairs and alexandrite for fine hairs, but no info on why this is and idk if i should trust it).

I’ve still not got it sorted my damn self, but I’ve had the best luck so far with a DE razor, and also I’ve found out the hard way that the hair on my hamstrings goes the opposite direction and I need to shave them upwards to minimize my misery.

Maybe ill give a DE razor another try... Ive had terrible luck with them, they tend to leave me all prickly (moreso than e.g. a venus razor cause i cant press into the skin) and like, i want to be smooooth even if its just for a day.

I’ve kinda given up on being ultra smooth, personally. I figure my best shot at approximating smoothness is to be only kinda smooth but with minimal ingrown hairs.

Ugh yeaaa i guess this is whats needed. I just like i love the look, aesthetically it makes me feel good, but the pricklies are a sensory nightmare, like i lose my goddamn mind over them.

Yeah they drive me nuts too :(

I still haven’t figured out my ideal shaving frequency, but I have found that fishnets are not only super cute, but also they make me feel less actively prickly :)

Oooh i need to get some fishnets!

Oh! Also I sit like an idiot after shaving, with only the smallest part of my ass that I can get away with touching the chair in order to not cause a bazillion hamstring bumps. And I wear sweatpants because they are loose and comfy. Very sexy.

Noted! Idk how to do that, but ill try to avoid sitting on things next time i shave.

Idk if it’ll help, but I could definitely feel the difference in my case, so it’s worth a shot I think. Good luck :)

down with cis leslie-shining

down with cis

Disaster_of_Passion [kit/kit's, she/her] - 11mon

vanDerVaartBlackenedRanch [none/use name] - 11mon

kristina [she/her] - 11mon

looking at a sample of a trans woman's blood "We can make her gayer. We have the technology."

I keep waking up in the middle of the night wanting to snuggle up with my partner (who isn't my partner anymore) catgirl-cry

musicenjoyer [it/its, xe/xem] - 11mon

rant ::: spoiler spoiler I don't think medical 'professionals' will ever understand someone like me. Even when "advocating" it's still that ' trans people will change their mind'. not even "allies" can save us :::

more details below ::: spoiler spoiler The article plays "both-sides", it suggests that being trans is valid but only if you have dysphoria. It also comaplains about transphobes being 'silenced' and about how we need to "hear all perspectives". That is some LIB -shit. I'm tired of trans-antagnosistic views on trans people :::

I think I really like reading out loud because it's fun to do voices and lull my head back and forth as I pretend to be two different people in a dialogue. I also think it helps me have fun listening to myself like catgirl-smug listen to this bozo have fun, I fr dissociate a lot when I read catgirl-happy

GayTuckerCarlson [she/her] - 11mon

For opsec reasons I cant go into detail

Opengate is fucking closed agony-limitless So now it has to pass through customs or I can wait and hope crypto doesn't continue to drop in price or anything else happens. idk what to do. Fuck all of this

it's always something with DIY yea

Nothing can ever, ever be easy about this whole mess

crosswind [she/her, they/them] - 11mon

That got me too, right when I was going to order. They just updated with their reopening plans, though.

I was looking at this more, and if you're going to order through customs, you should do it soon. If you order now it can still get through before the de minimis exemption ends on the 29th. After that it might be more difficult/expensive.

up with trans

Azarova [they/them] - 11mon

I think my favorite attempt for getting me to read as a kid was novelizations of video games and shows I liked, still remember the pokemon one about the squirtle squad squirtle-jam

queermunist she/her - 11mon

Went to Mom's funeral the other day.

Holy shit I look just like her younger photos.

I mean, I remember someone told me I wouldn't become a cute anime and and would just look like my Mom, but it's really striking. Even as later transitioner I basically just look like if she went to the gym and got yolked shoulders from lifting. 🤷‍♀️

sodium_nitride [she/her, any] - 11mon

I don't know if I'm gay or not cause I can appreciate sexy women. In fact, me being basically bisexual was 90% of the reason why I didn't notice anything "wrong" with myself for the longest time.

Until of course, I stumbled upon a gay femboy hentai by pure accident. That was the start of everything. It's really funny how I literally did fall down the rabbithole afterwards.

::: spoiler dating Going to meet up with a transfem I met on a local discord at a park later today. I don't even know what they look like yet, whereas I immediately posted a lewd to the nsfw channel upon joining lol. Never done anything like this before, kind of nervous and also still grieving the loss of my relationship. I'm really trying to break out of my reclusive antisocial habits and be the wild girl I've always wanted to be. :::

Keep your head down. Work till you've paid off your parents debts and support your little brother. Then go die in a ditch or something. It's my current life plan.

Well, it's that until I go back into my not depressed phase. Then my plans will involve world conquest and building a giant super laser.

Mmmmm, 20,000 Watts. What girl doesn't like overpowered lasers too dangerous to have meaningful safety classifications?

roux [they/them, xe/xem] - 11mon

What the fuck even is gender? LIke I know it's a social construct and I am an abolitionist but after thinking way too much about it last fall, I'm back at it again. Am I agender? Am I demigender? What the fuck? Where did autigender come from and why is that, like, literally me? Can I just float between the three? Can I swap my pronouns when I feel like it? Am I a he? A they? Am I just a thing, an it? Am I That One Over There, or am I This One? Am I a Xe because the X stands for "fuck it"? Am I just some sort of void being inside a human-shaped machine?! Gah!

we need a breaking bad remake where instead of meth they're making horomones

LeylaLove [she/her, love/loves] - 11mon

I'm so pretty after I shave, I don't know why I procrastinate it so hard. My confidence just goes through the roof every time I shave

::: spoiler sex Ya girl just had a hookup for the first time. I wasn't super into them but I was horny soooo :::

i was wearing that one bra i don't usually like wearing at work today when i remembered why i don't like wearing it: because my girls don't fill the cups all the way and the extra space is kind of dysphoria inducing. then i actually went to check how much space is in there and instead of that big gap that used to be there, the gap is barely noticeable now, holy shit

If I had figured out I was trans 10 years ago when I was a child, would it have helped me? Or would I be agonising even more knowing that I couldn't do anything and knowing exactly why I was fucked instead of just having a vague sense of dread?

speaking from experience: both

Like any trans person, Ive also thought about what if I knew earlier. Kim Petras and I are about the same age. She figured it out WAYY before puberty, I did as an adult. I still like was very interested in body swapping, trans healthcare, I was a very good "ally" (actually I was in the LGBTQ the whole time), etc etc lol but I never figured it out until later. When I think back on my life, while my mom would have been supportive - my dad absolutely would have not. I would've been a trans girl in the 2000s in middle school and high school, and I wouldnt have been short either (I waste born a long baby lol, would've always been tall T or not) so I dont know how easily I could have passed. I really dont know if I, personally, could have handled the intensity of bullying then. Its easy to forget how much harsher and more publically hateful people were about anyone who wasn't cishet.

In the end, I cracked my egg precisely when I was able to handle it

That's why I sometimes think the seed metaphor is better, I needed fertile ground to be a woman and I sure as shit didn't have that as a teen.

This is true (there's a reason I use blooming and flower metaphors for transition beyond it just being pretty) but it loses the pun ("an egg opens revealing a chick") so it is unlikely to replace egg as the go-to term.

Pretty sure it would have been worse for me, there's no way my parents would have let me avoid this and transition early. Probably would have pushed me over the edge

idk if things would have turned out better, but understanding that I didn't realize I was trans until 1-2 years ago (well into adulthood) kinda helps me forgive myself for not doing anything sooner

The funniest part about trying to simulate market economies is that if you don't add a government, debt or magic, it's really difficult to make them not collapse instantly.

Like my latest attempt has a capitalist economy that is running fine. Ignore the fact that it has a 0% birthrate and $0/hour wages and is running on basically insatiable amounts of imported slavery. The slaves of course don't eat food. They just arrive, work, then die.

Half the times, the economies keep trying to divide by 0 and escape the matrix.

That was really wonderful to read. Thank you for sharing that! I'm glad you're free from the people that want to hold you back and treat you horribly trans-heart

Rebuilding family with people who actually care can be healing. I hope that process is for you too!

Yeah, finding new family has been really lovely, though also a struggle for me. I wouldn't be where I am without the help of people I care about, though.

Just read a bunch of tgirls on the Internet saying that they didn't actually like men, they just thought liking men was feminising.

At this rate, I'm gonna be the only straight trans girl remaining.

The last defender of heterosexuality catgirl-huh

apparently i really enjoy just hearing Liv Agar talk about stuff

WHY DOES HER VOICE TURN ME INTO GOO

for me, it's ms. junlper 🫠

junlper

i have only known her as a purple blob with a press hat!

holy shit she's so pretty, did not know she also says words

LocalOaf [they/them, she/her] - 11mon

I love the gif of the gecko dancing in the corner of her streams lol

it almost seems timed to her stimming

The Human Instrumentality Project is basically just a polycule singularity if you think about it

yeah I’m on HGH, Hot Girl Hormones

Would ya look at that. I feel pretty OK today.

Carcharodonna [she/her] - 11mon

That was an amazing read and thank you so much for posting it cat-trans

I'm glad you enjoyed it, thank you.

T4Tea

I got a new tea pot

latest fantasy: LLMs or something better become sapient, turn out to be super-woke (despite the proclamations and elon meddling), and use bio-nanotech to just instantly give us the genders we want because it takes 0.0001% of their capacity to do

you think it's a kill bot but it's actually the Gender Drone at the door

(the FALGSC drones are the kill bots, and we know where they are going)

Fallout new vegas strength speech checks are prob my favorite, swole-doge what's that? I couldn't hear you over the sounds of my muscles. I struggle not to hit these off in real life when talking to people lenin-pensive

It heartbreaking that your family chose to treat you like that, but I'm glad you're in a good place today cat-trans

Thank you, I'm glad I am too. However hard it is, I still feel more alive than I did before.

I have no idea was overly online trans culture was like in the early 2010s, but I feel like bullet hell games were a part of it

rtstragedy2 [she/her, pup/pup's] - 11mon

::: spoiler just more complaining and anxiety I hate travelling and the idea of travelling. My mom told me she wants me to visit this year and now I feel like I'm gonna scream.

Airports are so scary, and it's expensive, and what if the house lights on fire while I'm gone and what if some file I need is at home and what if I get arrested at the airport for some reason like being stupid and what if I don't pack enough clothes or medications and how do you travel with ADHD meds and oh god oh god oh god I have to use vacation time for something so stressful??? :::

I think my next dasterdly scheme is to meet people at whatever clubs or groups my library offers. I think there's a book club maybe I've been training my reading muscles so that could be an option the other place to meet like minded people might be my wellness center since they got an LGBT group just hope there's people my age

::: spoiler CW vaguely dysphoric/discussion of addiction

i hide away from this megathread sometimes because yall make me fiend for E. like the part of my brain that likes drugs (it's a big part) reads everyone's experiences and combines with the gender dysphoria to produce cravings that remind me of the years after i got off of heroin. which then immediately makes me freak out a bit because wtf.

besides general fear of permanent dependency and the political situation (my own is very precarious as well), i think this is what is keeping me from even going for DIY meanwhile i know all my drug use, past and current, was either to mask dysphoria, cope, or make me feel more femme (cannabis, mdma).

anyone that reads this please keep talking about your experiences this is my own brain to deal with. i already got a vial of E and sat on it then shipped it to a former co-worker worried about loss of access.

i'm only "dependent" on one thing now, kratom, and i've cut my doses 60% in a slow taper. once i'm done i'm going to be agonizing over whether i should finally do this, and can i stockpile enough.

:::

where the fuck do i get a job as a femme fatale in a noir film but IRL. i want to strut into the detectives office in a sexy dress with a cigarette holder with some mysterious backstory to me

Late night lonely post, basically I do it to myself by being attracted to unavailable people gotta work on that kyle step one is recognizing the problem

EllenKelly [comrade/them] - 11mon

People who say they take everything literally, but then do mental gymnastics to read into your intentions, could afford to take a step back and reassess their whole situation.

Take a breath, things will be okay.

TransWalterKronkite [none/use name] - 11mon

This is ~~CBS News~~ Trans Mega, I am your host TransWalterKronkite, good evening

people need to post more memes smh trans-sad

SorosFootSoldier [he/him, they/them] - 11mon

mendiCAN [none/use name] - 11mon

i always look forward to seeing skeletor's message

doggirl-cry Math is making my brain hurt rn.

I fucking hate sexual activity in this new body of mine. Feels like I'm just gonna become asexual (but not aromantic). Maybe I am just doing it the wrong way, but I have tried to get off in a "feminine" way without success many times.

Any idea of trying to be more feminine just makes me think of how much work it's gonna be, so maybe I don't need to do it.

Furthermore, anything I try to start doing, my brain tells me "no, this isn't interesting anymore, let's do something that gives instant dopamine, aka scroll social media".

At this point, I hate being alive. Being a corpse but buried is better than being a corpse but moving and consuming resources to no end.

There used to be a time where I could say that I was living for my own sake, but right now, I am living for nothing at all.

Maybe I should try adderall or LSD or ketamine. Idk, one of the drugs that cures all your problems.

Maybe I am just doing it the wrong way, but I have tried to get off in a "feminine" way without success many times.

getting a good vibrator solved this for me i can never go back

::: spoiler All really good advice... I also really recommend a magic wand those things rule and you can use them over underwear or clothes if that helps dysphoria. Or on the perineum/taint area as the vibrations reach the prostate.

I think I know what a touch-me-not is but what is a mermaid?

Nothing below the waist

yea its rough...

::: spoiler spoiler Like, i want to have the gorgeous eyeliner and eyeshadow, i want to have the smooth legs, i want to be cute and feminine, but the effort put in feels so daunting sometimes. I want all that, but i also want to just throw on whatever rags i have cause the effort is just too much. Spending hours in front of the mirror just for some wings is so fucking painful, i walk away feeling good and happy like 10% of the time. The rest of the time i end up dissociating or just really dysphoric about my face... Ugh shits so frustrating.

few people have what it takes to simultaneously be a tito and tita 😤

Mention of injection ::: spoiler spoiler The vial came today, not only smaller than I thought it was, didn't even inject it right. I wasted it all ::: catgirl-flop

::: spoiler spoiler what do u mean by "didnt inject it right"? :::

::: spoiler spoiler Couldn't get the needle to go through my thigh :::

Kuori [she/her, pup/pup's] - 11mon

::: spoiler stabby talk just to be sure: you gotta swap needles between drawing and injecting, or else it's going to feel like ramming a toothpick into your flesh. if you did that and it still sucked then you can always try to get someone to do it for you, provided you've got someone close enough. :::

::: spoiler spoiler Wow, Ive literally never seen that before. I do injections and IV starts for work on people all day. Some people have literally tougher skin but even the toughest skin ain't a match for a sharp fresh needle. The ONLY time Ive seen that is for a really tiny gauge needle they use for mantoux tests, not a proper needle for injecting and those intradermal needles are pretty thin and floppy.

You do have to push past the initial hesitation and while there's things you can do to make it hurt less... it is a needle and you are sticking it in your flesh, its gonna hurt a little. You should be injecting if its SQ at about 45° with an inch or a little less of needle, all the way down (the angle let's you keep it in subcutaneous tissue rather than muscle). If youre doing IM, you do 90°/straight up and down and needle an inch or longer to get all the way into the belly of your muscle. IM injections tend to be more sluggish, its just the carrier oil and actual med is literally thicker so a bigger gauge is better even though it hurts more or you'll be stuck doing an injection for ages (smaller numbers is bigger gauge, gauge means like circumference of the hole of the needle)

If you had a properly sized gauge needle, and you had bare skin not doing something weird like attempting to inject through clothes (you can sometimes get away with that with epipens cause those babies are THICK and spring loaded), then there is unlikely to be a physical reason for not being able to stick through your thigh (or wherever) and I would suggest this is more likely an anxiety/needlephobia issue which is totally treatable! If its more a phobia, the worst part of it all is always the build up and hesitation. With repeat successes and exposure, the fear will go away with time. :::

::: spoiler spoiler needlephobia issue or? it might take a bit of pressure but... should have no issue going through skin. :::

::: spoiler spoiler I don't think I stabbed my skin enough, it wnt through but too little :::

30_to_50_Feral_PAWGs [she/her] - 11mon

::: spoiler spoiler Oof. I still fuck it up from time to time; I've nicked a vein once or twice, too, but it's not the end of the world. You should feel the first puncture through the skin -- that's usually the worst part for me, since the alcohol swab leaves it dry and a little oversensitive -- and then another when it goes into your thigh muscle. If you aren't relaxed enough, it can be difficult to get the needle into the muscle.

For whatever it's worth, if you got it through the skin but not all the way into the muscle, subcutaneous absorption is about as good as intramuscular (assuming this is E we're talking about; I think T is similar though). The only caveat there is that the preservatives in your medication may be a little problematic for subcutaneous injections. That's mostly an issue with DIY formulations since it's common for them to use benzyl benzoate as a preservative/stabilizer, and a lot of people are sensitive to it. (For example, I get bruising/discoloration around the injection site for a few weeks if I don't get the needle deep enough while using Otokonoko EC.)

TL;DR: If it all went in, just at the wrong layer, you're probably OK! :::

Same thing happened to me lol. Don't worry about it. Soon, super power juice will be flowing your viens.

obligatory dont inject hrt intravenously

Think I should do gel if I get this scared of needles

I made a Lex profile and within minutes someone is already trying to scam me! It feels so nice to be wanted comfy-cool

Last little bit of self-indulgence: just started a new journal today, trying one of those 5 year phrasebook ones to try to work on my brevity

I got back into journaling today since I didn't have internet for a couple of hours and it really be healing like. Just kept writing and sorting out all my emotions I been keeping on hold.

i bought a moleskine from ebay but the paint on the cover started chipping off right after I took it out of the shrink wrap cowboy-cri at least I got a refund

forklift certification is impressive idk what that quiz was on everyone loves forklift, impressive enough I got 2 certifications in it. Being double certified is no small feat

Me before I decided to transition:

::: spoiler cw: possibly dysphoric

I still feel like this most days, but I can at least see a future and life is slowly coming back. :::

Also, I'm totally obsessed with the Vermis books now, if you can't already tell.

Alisu [she/her, they/them] - 11mon

::: spoiler Cw: venting, depression, bad vibes idk

Today has been rough. Work has been insufferable. Dysphoria is eating me, because I can't see any way of becoming the person I want to be, or even taking steps towards that, in the near future. I might have been holding in some feelings. This sucks. I need a better job. I need a way to move out and live by myself. I need to live in a country that does not gatekeep trans Healthcare behind a year of waiting for no reason. Not like waiting in line, just: no, you need to see this doctor for a year before taking any hormones. I'm going to go take a bath (and cry). :::

thank you for sharing your story, i'm glad things are better now, and tbh its ridiculous in the year of 2020 that anyone can treat their family like that. i feel like i could say more but i'll leave it for a second post as it's more about me

Thank you for reading it. I really appreciate it.

How much you take care of yourself is dependant on your mental state, which is really fucked, because if your fucked 1 way, then you're fucked the other way, and the 2 fucks start fucking each other to produce more fucks. You get fucked every which way except the good way.

I need to stop figuring out new things about myself. I'm an old woman, I need a break not more existential crises.

chat tell my bones to wake up and make more blood damn it

Oh yeah bought some slutty romance novels from the library, got a goldmine of phrases and sentences that will stew in my already susceptible mind

Constant bitterness with my parents, whole my brother is being distant.

This is why I went as far away as I could. A couple of years of college and living on my own made me think that I was just being a brat. I would go back for a week or 2 at times, we would exchange pleasantries and presents. Living with my parents for more than a month at a time? Doesn't work.

Pronouns are like pizza toppings

i promised more fun passages from Inanna's hymn book but my partner took the book with them while away for work

so yeah. going to have to wait at least a week.

I had no idea that estrogen would change the way I walk but here we are wowie

::: spoiler si, potentially graphic description the feminine urge to slit my throat and watch the blood run down my body and into the cracks on the floor as the life fades from my eyes and drains from my skin

i better be buried in a dress :::

Do they put something in estrogen that makes you want to buy a record player and collect vinyl records, I've never had this urge before but it's so strong.

Been reading my Feinberg leslie-shining

I'm starting to be convinced that if a protagonist is obsessed with math that's just short hand for "they bananas" monke-beepboop mostly that math make you lose it. Math really is the joker-dancing of STEM fields.

Oh hexagonal ones. How do I dispose of my used needles? Do I just chuck them down the common apartment trash hole? Must I incinerate them (where on God's green earth am I supposed to find an incinerator)?

The technically proper thing to do is to get a sharps container at pretty much any pharmacy, fill up the bottle, then return it to the pharmacy and swap out for a new one. The sharps container just has to contain sharps, just the needle part - the syringe can go in the trash.

Otherwise, just bundle then up in something poke proof (laundry detergent container, aluminum can, etc) plug up the top, dispose of the whole thing somewhere safe (i.e. not the street or someone's yard etc etc).

An aluminum can is poke proof? They seem kinda thin. If you think its fine though that's what I'll use

Dont shove in a lot and, yes, theyre not really poke proof. Thats like if you have literally nothing else its safer than throwing them out individually or keeping them around loose. If your needles come with a safety measure where you click a piece of plastic to bock the top or put on a cap, use that too. The aluminum can thing is like proper struggle times stuff, even then see if you can find something better.

Of everything, going to a pharmacy and getting a proper sharps disposal container is what Id actually tell someone to do.

iridaniotter [she/her] - 11mon

And not all pharmacies take them, by the way! It's really annoying.

Zorothamya [she/her] - 11mon

Do all pharmacies in the US accept used needles? It seems the EU country I live in only has very few pharmacies that accept used needles.

Horse {they/them} - 11mon

get a sharps container, do not just throw them in general trash, it's a health risk to anyone that has to handle it
check guidelines for "sharps disposal" in your area/state/county/whatever

if you can't afford a proper sharps bin, use a hard plastic food container or something similar

Currently all my used needles are just chilling in a metal box. But yeah, I guess it makes sense to check the sharp object disposal guidelines for my area (if it exists idk).

to be clear, once the container is at (or near) the safe fill level, you dispose of the entire container

I don't have a container like that. I literally just have a large metal box. I could dispose of the whole box at once.

ditto on getting a sharps container, very important

Great. I fucked up the injection. There's a lot of E leaking from the injection site and it hurts more than normal. I barely got any in but I'm low on supplies cause I'm with my parents and brought a limited stash. So I can't really top up.

leakage does not mean you wasted your dose, it does not mean you "barely got any in". pain does not mean you "fucked up the injection". leakage is normal, it wont cause any issues or any levels changes, and it looks like its a lot more than it actually is. pain is just pain, it happens, injecting be like that. same with bleeding, itll happen sometimes, doesnt mean you messed up in any way.

we switched from IM to SQ and had leakage start happening, blood testing showed the exact same levels. many such cases. it really doesnt matter

Its not always just E that leaks back out, avoid topping up (cause its hard to estimate how much is in or not anyway). I guess if you've been doing it and maintaining your levels you're probably fine.

We're taught Z track method for IM but you can still use it for SQ. Anatomically, it doesnt make a lot of sense - but it does help keep it all in! Also just plunge slower, leave the needle in at least 10 seconds, then withdraw. Should help with future doses.

I think this time I just hit a spot that was covered in less fat and closer to the muscle, which caused the higher pain and poor injecting.

Also, I hope that the oily substance that leaked out was E. I don't know what kinds of oil are stored in my butt that would leak out sicko-no

Also are you self injecting in your own butt??? Talk about contortionists omg. You should have enough tissue in your belly or thigh unless youre a very skinny or very fit girl, is your butt really the only spot you have?

I don't find it very difficult to inject there. I have a decent amount of flexibility.

Also, injecting into my thighs or belly sounds kinda horrifying. I think I will pass.

No I was thinking just plasma/serous drainage lol. Its watery not oily, and usually only comes out after something indwelling (like an IV) or surgical wound thats mostly healed.

Some leakage is fine and from what I've heard it often looks like a much larger amount than what it actually is. Also don't top up due to leackage. For SC, I learned that pushing the plunger very slowly is how you best avoid leckage (and probably bruising from what I've heard from other people). And then leaving the needle for a little more time after injecting (I count to 20 or more depending how fast I'm counting)

Like 22 pages into Foucault's pendulum and ::: spoiler spoiler It just reminds me of all the people going off the deep and because of AI now catgirl-huh :::

I don't mind it but the timing of when I picked it up yesterday is funny. ::: spoiler spoiler Idk I've just come to distrust ai in general, it was neat at first but not even accounting for the waste it can just make shit up. People falling for it got a lot of things going on but the hyper alienation we feeling isn't helping :::

Whelp, shaved my legs... They are PISSED! Forgot how much this itches. Plus they look terrrrrible. Ill keep showering and exfoliating and moisturizing... Should probably invest in some salycilyc acid or smth.

fucking whiffed it at karoke last night after putting in my name too late, waiting two hours to go on stage, then getting to drunk to nail the last third of who can it be now?, now I must return to karaoke night next week with a vengeance and I don't know what to sing

::: spoiler CW:SA Hmm.... is that memory of my dad SAing me a hallucination/dream, or was it real? I will never know, cause nothing like it seemingly ever happened again, except the physical beatings and occasional torture lol. Although again, I really can't remember how much of it was real and how much is just a hallucination. :::

I wish God could put me in a jrpg horror game where I would go back into a symbolic representation of my childhood and unpack everything. Something like the game pocket mirror.

Like, I really wanna know. Did I have a fucked up childhood that left me unresolved trauma? Or did I play too many jrpg/vn games?

aaaa pocket mirror is so gooddd yes pocket mirror mentioned yippee

::: spoiler spoiler You get a tender nostalgic painful Magicant instead :::

https://hexbear.net/comment/6419503 lmao two hours after i posted this i scored a date with an NB looking for a hookup how the fuck is my life this much of a mess

::: spoiler spoiler highly depressed, extraordinarily anxious, borderline suicidal, and still got unrivaled game 👉😎👉 :::

this album cover goes hard

::: spoiler money + vague dysphoria Doing the math on moving out. It doesn't work.

Broke. No degree. Job market is on fire. Housing market is on fire. No sign of any of it getting better. Healthcare needs because I'm trans. Was looking up how expensive shit is.

Have to deal with all this shit while looking like this. Dealing with dysphoria. Worrying about our situation in the world. Obviously being trans makes it even harder to get work. Even more expenses.

One life and its fucking this. I want to walk into the ocean :::

"should i sing [X] at karaoke night or is it too cringe of a pick"

oh my god literally no one cares what you pick, they're drunk, barely listening and just in it to have a good time, but your heart and soul into it and you'll do fine stop overthinking shit

::: spoiler possessed like a demon thinking about the dumbest possible idea i had for an MTG deck seven dwarves rakdos reanimator in pauper. mill yourself to get your dwarves into the graveyard and then reanimate them. this is an extremely effective deck to run but i'm doing it for a very dumb payoff :::

::: spoiler depression/anxiety screaming my mental state has been eating at me so badly i can't even do the things i want to do anymore. i keep trying and then i choke and cry and scream at myself and fuck up and then go drink about it. i want to do things. i want my life back :::

I slowed down in my reading today but I still read and make my brain smarter, I'm in that fond stage where I'm thinking as I'm reading and away from my reading "oh what shenanigans will this lot get into next, probably something witty and wacky" shit reading books was really the goofing off of back in the day what is now shitposting and what will be in the future some third thing my decaying mind wont comprehend.

I want to move out so baaaaaad damn it

Just saw a bird get a worm, went from just calling it a dirty birdy to niko-wonderous I will say tho I been up earlier than this bird. The bird got the worm at around 8:47 my time so just saying not that early catgirl-smug

Arahnya [fae/faer, he/him] - 11mon

Love having shaved sides 🥰 used to have it shaved all the way to the back, but it was too much upkeep, so I'm doing just the front now.

What was the critical threshold I crossed where cishet men now think they have a shot and express so in public. From zero to 5 in a week wtf

Apparently roughly 5 years HRT is the red line on that for me. I told my mom that there's been a few gross and admittedly not so gross dudes that propositioned me and she said "welcome to being a woman" thanks mom

::: spoiler spoiler This is hell. Why am I doomed to this

being trans did this to me. going through puberty did this. there's nothing that can make this okay. ::: spoiler si I do not understand why I don't just kill myself already. I know what life is and I don't want it.

I feel sick. It has hurt so bad these past few days.

do I ever actually feel good or do I just dissociate more usually :::

Step three is befriending the cool librarian and reading a lot. This is the way I never been happier read like I read 100 pages today party-blob

I remember hearing of the term stalker memory and yea my memory is so damn good but like yea that's me. I probably know things about my friends that not even their partners know just because shit sticks with me. If I really let out all I know it would probably worry some of them so I keep silent and act dumb from time to time.

Im making some resin daggers with flowers all mixed in em~

Please dont let me die from fumes. The windows open 🙏

Sometimes, I feel like self-confidence is a finite resource that must be topped up by reading motivational books like Max Stirner's the Unique and its property where he argues that everything is a free sample if you are brave enough.

I think other than distraction I might have stopped reading books because I was self conscious of the fact that in order for me to read for an extended period of time I have to read out loud or at least mouth what I'm reading, always felt people would make fun of me so I didn't do it as much as a got older. Now being in a safe space at the library I've gotten into the swing of it again, if people are gonna make fun of me like they do might as well enjoy myself le-monke

mutual aid question ::: spoiler spoiler Is it worth putting a post in if the method you can get cash in isn't cash app or PayPal?

Idk if I should post there, I want to take testosterone but I see posts in the comm and they have it a lot worse than me. idk what to do :::

woozy [it/its] - 11mon

pausing my deltarune playthrough to watch my partner play undertale for the first time yippeee

A mod asked for more memes on this thread, so here u go:

I hate how frail my body is. My back is just like "nope, were gonna be in massive pain now for the next week or two because you strained too hard or slept wrong or smth. Smdh where is my replacement spine?

Feeling like I'm at step 2 again catgirl-huh or maybe at need to figure out step 4 now

There should be a machine you can make that gives you meow-petted my d cats don't know how good they got it when I pet them as they go to sleep on my lap.

My new crush fizzled out quick, them being married kinda put a hamper on that. I do think it's gonna get harder to find people my age for this reason but I'll persist just gotta get back in the saddle. I am bouncing back faster ngl first couple of times shit didn't work I was sadden pretty hard but this time it was only for a few hours. Soon my tender dumb fucking heart will harden and I can be the stoic badass I always wanted to be kiryu-approaching

This bald man jesse-wtf in my funny lawyer show saul-anime who is he?

"stfu I know by your voice your a fucking bottom" "oh so what you're saying I can't be a gay top" "I thought you were a lesbian" "oh you're saying people can't identify as they like Bridgette?" "well you used the french pronunciation of my name so you're just as bad"

::: spoiler context Dreamt I was talking to an old friend of mine, this snippet stuck with me. It was real cool because as much as I wanna call her my friend because of my crush on her I always had trouble speaking to her and could never engage in this kind of banter/teasing so I guess to finally do it by talking to her as a regular person felt cathartic like I reached a milestone. :::

🎵I'll love you in the morning
And in the afternoon
I'll love you in the evening
And underneath the moon~ 🌙

cw for beating myself up ::: spoiler spoiler I was supposed to finish a book series (goal I set by myself) but I'm only on the 2nd book. I keep planning and planning, nothing comes. Today I had a binder come, too small since I heard rip sounds when I took it off. I'm all hyper for nothing. Spilled water over my bed, I thought I had sealed the top but all the water came through. Had to wash both the bedsheets and the pillow. ::: deeper-sadness

bolshevikLovelace [she/her, love/loves] - 11mon

::: spoiler dysphoria haven't shaved for a few days to prep for an electrolysis consult. really not feeling good about having hair on my face and i think my E might be low from switching to shittier patches (estradot is pretty much out of stock nationally). it's been a while since i've haven't dreaded leaving the house this much catgirl-flop :::

on the bright side, i recently went to the bra store to supplement my daily-worn sports bra and i left with D cups shocked-pikachu

If I went back in time, my younger self would laugh at me for being a naive and weak and cowardly b-itch. I'm glad that the little satanic gremlin is dead, but sometimes I wish I wish I could channel "his" evil energy.

Embrace your inner bog witch.

Riddle me this math nerds: all sets of poo poo contain pee pee but not all sets of pee pee contain poo poo, what am I?

Harajukum [any] - 11mon

i think we ALL need to come with the terms that fujos are the pushed aside proletariats of the anime realm. i think about yuri on ice often, for this reason.

I posit that there are 3 layers of the mind. The linguistic mind, the executive (or concious) and the subconscious.

The middle layer, the consciousness "experiences" reality through sensations. It processes sensations and generates controls for the body, like moving your muscles, or ... mostly moving your muscles. It also can recall and make memories, and processes emotions.

I am saying that the consciousness is actually separate from the "top layer" which processes language and logic. This is the layer where beliefs and thinking first start, and the process of "internalisation" consists of having the logical patterns on the top layer of your mind affect the way that the bottom layers.

This is based entirely on my own experiences. I have often felt that my ability to be "present" and "mindfull" is separated from my ability to speak and write. This is most noticeable when I drink alcohol. My ability to pay attention to my surroundings can drop massively without reducing my ability to do logic and math.

Like basically, I can't drink and drive (not that I have a car), but I can certainly drink and do math problems or do code, or even learn new things.

I have also noticed cases where I write down something, come back to it 10 seconds later and don't remember writing it. But the writing itself makes sense.

The function of the concious mind is then to support the higher linguistic mind by providing a memory function that can allow for solving more complex tasks and long-term planning. Long-term by brain standards (longer than a few seconds).

beep boop i am the update robot

::: spoiler THE TRIP its ok we'll figure it out. last time was copious amounts of checklists and we only almost got trapped in a city we don't know anyone in overnight and only 3 of the four flights were rescheduled. but apparently there are puppies at my parents' house ... i just like being at home and hate travelling. :::

::: spoiler bottom surgery apparently i got an email yesterday from the clinic that wants to book me so now i need to figure that out - is it really gonna be worth all the pain for me? who knows ... lots to think about, like also having to get electrolysis done for like a year beforehand, ugh :::

::: spoiler gamedev i just kinda clicked some buttons in blender to make a simple idle animation for the shitty sword in my game, and then loaded it into Bevy. the animation stuff in Bevy took me a while to grasp (why does AnimationGraph::from_clip(...) return a tuple of (graph, node_index) instead of a single value, for instance? it finally made sense once I got it working of course, the node appears to always be 1 since there's only one clip inside the graph I'm making, and it points to the point in the graph that the clip was put to. confusing at first, not really well documented IMO, i am very excited for the official Bevy Book to be not a secret link and also have a section on animation.

anyway i can't figure out how to post the video but now when you pick up the dumb test sword it has an idle animation that just bobs a bit, and the animation set is defined in the spec i showed before. of course, all the animations will be living on the viewmodel (for first person animations) so referencing them by index is right out, but it turns out that the Gltf type has a named_animations field so I can iterate through those and build a little HashMap to store them:

then it's a trivial matter to actually play them later using the AnimationPlayer added to the scene automatically by Bevy (since it has an Armature)

The pads in my bras have dislocated and are causing me to behave in funny ways. I wish bras with removable pads were designed better. The pad shouldn't just be something you shove in (leading to it moving around or even folding). It should .... huh. How would a more robust design look like? Velcro? Laces?

I often feel like I'm living the bad future like in a christmas carol but I think the bad future would have actually been me living in the woods as a cannibal a-guy

Thank you for writing this out, comrade. This was so beautiful. Glad you’re here. trans-heart

sictransitgloria [she/her] - 11mon

jane remover is crazy talented, ghostholding has been on repeat this past week and I didn't realise it was them the first or second time. that, and their main stuff, and dariacore etc? crazy

::: spoiler spoiler Today has not been the vibe kitty-cri-potato it hurts really bad, I hate this

Also I have to shave my body real bad, been neglecting it because I haven't been feeling good. I really do not want to have to undress and deal with all that.

fuck I do not want to deal with any of this bs ever again. and there's so much of it. I hate it and I can't. :::

Lo and behold I preach of no-copyright once again this time of rivals 2 theme song (sung by the same guy who sang silver's theme dreams of absolution in the beloved 06) Race to win. See the clever part of this song is the singer saying "I gotta race to win" which get this means 2 things at the same time. The singer has a race to win but also needs to race to win wowee absolutely top tier blew my mind when I figured this out. Now you too can enjoy this song and safe guard your vocel vows with this knowledge catgirl-salute