hello gang, once again here to ask if anyone wants to sign up to make the mega and also claim my spot at the top of the comment pile

Seryph (8/11 - 8/17)
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​ * after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters

im trans

You wouldn't download a gender

Ive been vegan for a month

Got casually she/her'd for the first and second time in the last few days, very exciting, also seems like B/C cups overrides being really tall (thank you padded sports bra)

I too am very eepy so I will be going to bed, g'nite everyone~

Gender affirming how I have to wear a bra everyday. It's literally more comfortable with one on than when I am without.

TRANSITION MILESTONE ACHIEVED:

- RANDOM GUY IN PUBLIC STARTS FLIRTING WITH YOU -

still kind of shook because it was so unexpected but uhh... now i know how the other girls feel when it happens. Blend of euphoria and ewphoria but i'm going with 85% euphoria and 15% ewphoria here

Remember when Luigi shot that CEO?

That ruled

Why did nobody tell me bralettes make you feel so cute omg

why the fuck does every form of flirting feel like sexual harassment

and what the fuck can i do about it

Sometimes I see people joke about "genetically encoded cup size" but this is completely ignoring reaction norm. Your breasts are not genetically fated! They are historically contingent. It's dialectical you see...

My mom was like "the white streaks in your hair look so pretty" finally getting ethereal and mystic looking

::: spoiler mental health, some of its harsh from a caregiver Before me and my ex broke up, for 3 years they had some kind of constellation of depression, fatigue, pain, a lot of stuff. I was happy to step in cause I thought love and patience was enough.

I do remember towards the end, starting to feel incredibly depressed and resentful that I didnt also have a Terminal in our relationship. I still had to go to school and work and change the cats litter on both of our days and cook and clean. But I didnt, I had my ex.

The frustrating part was watching them NOT take steps towards anything. Not trying to get a job, not trying to get welfare, not attending therapy, not going to health appointments - even when I set them up, unless I drove there and from the sounds of it later they never talked much at any of them so I started getting them to write down what was happening day to day (feeling itchy for the 3rd day in a row, emesis x2 today, slept 14 hours, needed hot bath for nausea, etc). I ran into their family at work recently and by the sounds of it, theyre much better.

Part of me is happy theyre FINALLY better and working and taking care of themslef. The other is bitter and mad, why wasn't our relationship good enough to make that effort? I had been a shitty boyfriend sometimes and a much less shitty girlfriend but I thought I was worth taking the effort to, like, eat meals and go to therapy and work at a job. Im still paying consumer debt I took out to support us... :::

tag yourself, i’m ethereal mist

When I turn up to the lesbian function with my undercut, thumb ring, carabiner and doc martins.

Lesbian: Who taught you to do that?

Me: It seemed the right way

Lesbian: She shall know your ways as though born to them. Li-Trans al Gaib

fry? day? rice?

Doing my best not to wake the eepy mega, but i wanted to say hi and up with trans

This image flashed before my eyes, just as I was about to fall asleep:

::: spoiler Spoiler :::

Pet frog

*sigh* the big depression is back again

more bed rotting it is

::: spoiler self-harm (psychological) About to read through old texts from my partner from before they became distant and avoidant. Probably going to cry myself to sleep tonight. :::

I love sending texts to people who supposedly love me and not receiving a response for days!

The queer desire to pack a bag and go.

How do you talk to people when you're alone at a bar? I feel like it's easier when you're with other people because they give you credence. But when you're alone I'm afraid people will see you as just another loner.

i'm back btw

::: spoiler what have i been up to work has been ridiculously stressful. i started adhd meds which made me more productive and are generally helping me a lot. i can stick with things now that i want to be doing, so that's neat. i got through a major release and such that was stupid and stressful and afterwards the residual stress was so bad I had to take a couple sick days. lol.

i've been back on making games. i experimented with making a Minecrap clone in rust+bevy and got super deep into the terrain generation, so now I am a font of knowledge about how Minecraft 1.18+ terrain gen works, ask me anything about density functions and octaves and shit, I guess. One of the most satisfying things was improving the performance of the algorithms and rendering since it was Very Slow at several stages.

1. Render a cube for each block that's not air - this is obviously not performant, but I wouldn't recommend anyone skip the easiest step for performance for like a bunch of reasons (a. the performance characteristics may not be as you expect! b. simple code is easier to modify than optimized code and easier to find bugs in). It was slow, lol. ESPECIALLY when I added colliders to each block, yikes, neither Rapier or Avian was prepared for like 32k colliders. I hoped there would be some optimizations for non-moving blocks but it seems that that was too much to ask (since technically, I guess any of the blocks could move every frame because I controlled the Transform)
2. I then optimized to only render the blocks that were actually visible (ie. they have at least one air block adjacent to them),
3. I tried to make a Mesh per face and only show the visible faces. This was slower than the above, somehow?! (like, unusably, 4fps on my laptop with huge stutters as you traversed the world) I guess this was a good lesson for me that just because an optimization sounds good on paper, there's a ton of nuance and other things you maybe didn't consider that only arises from testing. In this case, I believe the issue was the huge number of Entity-s I was spawning (one for each face). ECS has limits I suppose and they are ... (if the average chunk has 16 * 16 top faces + say another 16 * 16 side faces to be generous, and I'm trying to show a 10x10 grid, then that's 51k entities that are completely static that need a bunch of transform propagation etc. every frame)

I ended up settling on a system that would:

1. On startup, stitch all the textures for the blocks into one single atlas. Minecraft does this too: https://minecraft.wiki/w/Blocks.png-atlas . This allows me to have one Material for the entirety of the static game world.
2. Each chunk is built into a single custom Mesh filled with vertices and carefully calculated UV co-ordinates (and I even stuck in some extra vertex attributes to bake light levels in) to select the block type, a custom Mesh topology that would calculate visible faces based on adjacent blocks.

I found that actually building the mesh for a given chunk would take ~2ms, but that doesn't include generation time (which I moved to an async task pool).

For actually generating chunks, there's so much information out there about how Minecraft actually does this stuff that it was really easy to solve these problems. Things I liked were the talk by one of the devs on the wiki about terrain generation and the basics of how it works, the wiki which explained density functions, the fact that the worldgen code is literally just json files inside the jar, and of course the mostly-working Deepslate JavaScript library https://github.com/misode/deepslate which had a close-enough noise implementation (although yikes I think the naming of the deeply nested noise classes is not great, not that I could do much better) which helped take a lot of the difficulties of the documentation on the wiki and turn it into code implementation, and led me down the path of using the Visitor pattern for actually handling the deeply nested web of complex operations that involve determining the final density of a given block.

It was slow, so I tried to get SIMD working and struggled with the FastNoise2 library (which has rust bindings, which is nice, but I had to symlink some files to get it to work right as it would build the library in the wrong folder for some reason) and once I did suddenly it was fast, but as is typical with optimization, a complete refactor was necessary. Lots of hours.

Eventually, I decided to move on to other things as I felt like I was neglecting other skills I needed to actually be a competent game dev like modelling, mechanics design, etc. stuff like that that's a lot more nebulous and way outside of my skill set. So my partner and I did a 5 hour Blender tutorial about making donuts and animating them, and while I think I learned a lot from it I still feel totally lost on how to take the mess of ideas in my head and turn them into a compelling game without getting lost or burnt out along the way. So I'm taking some time off from creation to read Tynan Sylvester's Designing Games to see if having a bit of a more solid framework will help make it all make sense.

I still feel totally lost in a lot of ways, but I'm trying to take it easy and just idk be kind to myself. :::

gonna start putting a "cis dni" on our social media pages

Important reminder: do not forget to tighten your DE razor down all the way before you start shaving. Someone might have forgotten this important step and wondered for like 3/4 of a leg why their razor was being so bitey today. Not sure who. Definitely not me, that’s for certain.

My bras have been uncomfortable lately and I thought it was cause they were just old, but I think I managed to grow another cup... I kinda figured I was done growing. Or at least not another cup size up. I lost weight so my band size is smaller, at first I figured I had tighten up the band on my old bras cause they'd stretched out.

yeah, i upbear the megathreads

slowly figuring krita out, this is like the third proper drawing ive made. kris deltarune my beloved

All my friends keep becoming nonbinary. My cishet group of friends is becoming a LOT gayer over time

down with cis

Thinking about how my guy friends have handled me coming out better then my girl friends :kitty-cri: I mean I'm glad some people are doing okay with it but idk. I guess I'd value women's support a lot.

this clock tower near me is playing what i can only describe as spooky christmas music

Some guy got really close to my face and gave me an air kiss.

What the fuck?

I'm literally boymodding. Do I have gay vibes or something?

I think my parents saw

I fucked up. I was cuddling with my little brother and I out of the blue asked if he knew what transgenderism was. He said yes, but there was an awkward silence between us. Also, he accidentally hit my chest which noticeably feels harder as I am wearing a bra that contains a thin foam pad.

I am not currently planning on ever coming out to my family. But ever since accepting that I am trans, I am finding it increasingly difficult to self-censor. A moment's yearning to be free of my burdens, and I slip up.

This situation isn't good. But I can't tell how much of it is driven by a genuine need for personal security against my parents holding shit against me, vs me just not wanting openness with them after 10 or so years of self-repression.

Imagine if a guy was given a mission to infiltrate a T-girl space to collect secret info. We'd not only accept him easily, we'd be giving him tips on how to blend in

Do I hate my parents because being with them makes me feel like a child and I hate the feeling of being a child and find it utterly repulsive? Am I terrified of going through another puberty even when my first one was so horrid? Can Sigmund Freud explain what I am feeling?

Find out on the next episode of sodium nitride's hormonal getaways!

I gotta work on that show title.

::: spoiler friend group falling apart

This is not that big of a deal but still wanted to vent.

I had a friend group with like ten people I met through group therapy with a trans psychologist. We made our own chat group and started hanging out, mostly going to clubs together. It was mostly me, and three others, but sometimes other friends would join. Then, last year I was on vacation with my main friend group and I wasn't present for the last couple of outings with the trans friends. Then the first couple of months of the new school year I wasn't present for the few outings they had due to a busy schedule. Then I saw that one friend left the group chat. This was sudden, and nobody mentioned it. This was a huge deal since they were the one who was organising all the outings. After that there were no new outings planned for a couple of months. After a while I decided to organise something myself.

So I asked if they wanted to hang out and they were receptive. We decided to go to a bar. But it took a couple of weeks to decide which bar we wanted to go to and when, because people waited a long time to reply. When the appointment came it was four of us. Two friends who also went a lot of times to the outings with me. These two became good friends and I think they are hanging out a lot together outside of the friend group. So that probably explains why they don't do a lot of outreach to the group chat. The other friend who was present almost never went because she doesn't like clubs, so this was the first time I saw her in a long time. She probably has less of a clue what's going on than me. I didn't mention the friend who left because I thought they would mention by themselves, and because it was maybe sensitive. I had the impressing that they saw this outing as just a fun one-off thing. And after that they never reached out to me or the group chat to hang out again.

I decided to wait until Pride to reach out since that's a good excuse to hang out since we're all trans. And since it's six months later it's been time to hang out again. So three weeks ago I suggested to go to the Trans Pride walk together. Nobody replied. So two weeks later I asked again, two days before the walk. This time people did reply that they're busy and couldn't go. They weren't the activist type, so this was maybe also expected, but it's still frustrating. Fine, so I went alone. I decided to share a video of the walk to the group chat, so I could at least share something of the walk with them. Nobody commented.

It frustrates me that suddenly we went from hanging out every two weeks to not hanging out for every six months and even the group chat is lifeless. I have decided to try again in one or two months, and this time I'm gonna suggest to go to a bar again. If again nobody wants to go I'm gonna ask what the fuck's going on. Although I'm probably going to ask that regardless. These were one of the few trans people I hang out with so it's sad that almost all my trans personal connections have gone away. :::

A few ants crawled into my water bottle without me realizing and I accidentally ingested one. It was bitter and acidic and really gross

Do I have to turn in my vegan card now? I didn't want to ingest an ant! It's not my fault it had a vore fetish!

up with trans

I wish I was capable of sleeping properly. I want to obtain the title of "eepy princess", but it will be difficult...

It's hard to pinpoint the exact day I became trans, but a year ago tomorrow is the day I first asked someone to use she/her for me as an experiment, so I think it's a good a day as any to call my girl bday

i have finally completed my big move to Big Gay City™! i'm hoping i can recover from the exhaustion that it caused soon, but for now i'll make good use of eepy mega

Cousin finally got back to me, broken phone. We are hoping to catch up Monday, I am very looking forward to Monday. I've heard a few whispers through the family about her but not much.

Had a dream I was talking to my plushies, they adorable and like children. Basically they were worried for me and wanted me to be safe I gave them the task of looking after me when I was a sleep and to wake me if any danger was around

Remembering how uncomfortable my cisf friend seemed after I told her my name and whenever there was a time to use it after holy shit I wanna cry.

Dreamt the back street boys saved me from a coma when no one else would, this probably aged me in some of your minds but damn it's just the burden of being a 90's kid 😔 my body was rocked just right

::: spoiler court bullshit So, I had a court date this week for failing to provide proof of insurance back in Spring.

I had insurance at the time of the stop, but I had changed carriers to bundle with home insurance and forgot to download their app. Whatever. I was able to figure out who my insurance carrier was during the stop and navigate to their website, but the cop said "we're past that" because he'd already written me up (and probably also saw the M on my license). Again, whatever.

A month later I show the clerk of court my insurance card... but little did I know it wasn't valid, because my insurance has effective date periods of 6 months and my card showed a date range after the stop. But they said it was fine at the courthouse! They said I was done, I didn't need to do anything else. I only found out that it was invalid later, but I thought I was done and wasn't looking for more mail from the county! So, by the time I saw the letter it was too late to present proof of insurance. Fucking, whatever.

So then I had a court date set up, and I'd have to appear under my deadname and try to pass as a man despite my chest being pretty hard to hide at this point, but fucking whatever I can handle the humiliation. I went through the trouble of printing out physical copies of everything too, so I could present it to the judge and we could get this dismissed. I even picked up a basic outfit I thought was masc enough so I could be all presentable for the court (and hopefully they'd not rule against me.)

And I've been so scared, because technically they could take my license for this if they decide I need to be taught a lesson or something. I've been panicking in preparation for this court date for months. Random outbursts of crying, self harm, etc. I even rode my bicycle 32 miles to and from work to see if I could survive without a license (conclusion: maybe??? it'd be hard as hell!).

And somehow, after all this fucking effort and all that panic, I misread the date. I thought it was on the 8th, not that it was in August. All my preparation was for nothing, I failed at every single step of this debacle and had to pay like $500 in fines and fees. I decided not to appeal, because fuck this shit I don't want to do this anymore I am fucking done.

Didn't lose my license though! So, I'll survive this. I just feel so humiliated for making this series of extremely simple errors that I could have avoided with even a second more attention at any point in the process. I could have immediately downloaded the correct app or (even better) requested ID cards, I could have checked my mail and would have seen I needed to provide more documentation, I could have read the court date more carefully - over and over and over I failed to do even the most basic tasks.

The brain damage from my bike accident years ago must be worse than I thought. I guess I need to keep a journal or something, maybe look for some apps or something, holy shit, this could have killed me! I've been so miserable for most of the year and have spiraled up and down the mental health rabbit hole because of this nightmare. But. I endure. $500 poorer, but this didn't kill me. :::

So that's been my life for the past several months.

Thank every god in heaven that at least it's all over.

Maybe other people have died from cringe but I'm built different

The current Azahar beta added support for compressing 3DS games and playing these compressed games directly (kinda like RVZ file type with Dolphin or CHDs with many emulators). I've been waiting for this feature for awhile now so I'm excited to see it implemented at last. The savings are significant too, I compressed everything I had and reclaimed about 30 gb from about 50 roms total.

Today I had a chance to wear my Mao Mao cosplay (I was separated from my parents today due to events). I was so excitedly looking forward to it.

And yet when the moment came, I just ... didn't.

I hate myself and I hate my shitty brain chemistry.

I do be trying to process what part of the dream I be having be because of the media I just consumed vs something deeper my mind is trying to tell me and finding meaning though it. When is a cigar really just a cigar type stuff, guess I leave it to how resonante the dream was or how intense the meaning.

if I cooked the rice yesterday but eat the leftovers today, does that still count as friday rice?

I work in healthcare, my friends know it and sometimes they talk about their weird health stuff ("should I go to a doctor after I hit my head and Im showing signs of concussion" or "I got a sunburn and now I can smell myself cooking" most of the time the answer is they should get checked out). One of my friends has very obvious depression though. I see it a lot at work too and sometimes here

::: spoiler talking about other peoples' problems, mental health She's got such an obvious pathway forward and talks a lot about how awful she feels all the time. It is so obvious from the outside as someone whos dealt with their own depression and as a nurse - she needs intensive therapy and probably something like Effexor or Lexapro to help get her through the initial couple years

But to her, her problem is Capitalism - and Im capitalizing it on purpose. She's intensely focused on how there's no hope because of Capitalism and there is no point in therapy, medicine, seeking community, anything until Capitalism is abolished. Now, capitalism (the actual system now) absolutely is gonna make her problems worse and contribute to them and she would probably be better off under socialism or whatever. But to start off saying that she cannot deal with any problems, mental or physical, until Capitalism is abolished is really just a way to say she doesn't want to or just can't bring herself to do anything about it.

Her problems she talks about or identifies are pretty standard constellation you'd see online: transgender, neurodivergent, disabled, chronic conditions, permanently single, etc. She's not wrong that all of that can make life harder - but you can live a happy life and feel good about yourself while having them all. Saying you're doomed to a worthless life because of that is actually quite hateful, its just not extended outwards like chuds would do.

And its frustrating to watch someone, like, refuse to take steps towards getting healthy. I see it at work too with frequent fliers who just deteriorate - like diabetics who come back with another toe lost, or now blind, more MRSA cellulitis, scabies or whatever. She asks for advice but gets frustrated that it circles back to "you need to get in therapy, eat healthy, sleep 8 hours and keep good sleep hygiene." But also doesn’t do any of that or give it an honest shot - like one session with a therapist 5 years ago is not "I tried therapy and it doesnt work" and you gotta keep sleep hygiene for longer than 2 days, and you have to actually eat your meals in a day and not just fill up on water and a bite of cake...

But thats also how depression works as a disease. It makes you think nothing can work and saps away your resilience and inner wherewithal/reserve to try even after a failed attempt. Kinda reminds me of borderline - which is actually very treatable and DBT actually is quite successful and effective, its just really hard to get people to go to it and stick to it. But if they do, it works! Kinda sucks the same organ that does reasoning and makes plans is the one thats effected by the illness. :::

I kinda miss the old crank websites like time cube, there was one called something like truth.org I remember too. There was a youtube channel that styled itself more or less lole extra credits but Thoth (the egyptian god guy) would occasionally tell you about how the moon rings like a bell and Lemuria invented the christ consciousness grid in the same tone as extra credits guys talking about the pump in London that caused everyone to have enough diarrhea they died. My fav section of the bookstore is "controversial knowledge." As a kid I liked it the same way I liked D&D sourcebooks and Vampire the Masquerade or Delta Green, I liked different cosmologies and radically different views on the world

As an adult, I found out a lot of that David Icke derived stuff was just old school antisemetism. And, of course, for a significant number of people this isnt a fun game or something for voyeuristic freaks like me to peer over - these are their sincere beliefs in how the world works and as time went on more and more of the people and blogs I lurked just turned out to be in the throws of intense psychosis and it stopped feeling as fun. Although I did find a guy online who claimed infinity isnt real and addition is wrong (1+1 should = 11, which is a joke in grade school but I guess it pinged somewhere off him to be the root of how math should work)

So I'm on 8 mg of subcutaneous estradiol valerate and recently got my levels tested. Estrogen was about 1200 pg/mL at peak which is too high, so I injected 6 mg last week. However, my endocrinologist wants me to stop entirely for one week (with the understanding that I don't produce any significant amount of endogenous sex hormones) to "normalize" and then resume at 6 mg. Honestly this sounds a bit pseudoscientific, but I was curious what others think.

Oh damn, I just realized why I am feeling so depressed and stuff. It's cause I haven't had any E for the past multiple weeks (not that I forgot to take shots, but because of circumstances).

Once I can resume hormones again, I think I will switch from my 10 days schedule to a weekly schedule again. I'm done with the negativity and mood swings.

me when I'm playing any soulsbourne game

I made a really huge decision a little bit ago and made it official last night. It has the potential to REALLY fuck up the rest of my life, but it was kinda necessary :(

I very rarely wish I was cis but these are the kinds of things that put me in that mentality sometimes

Current gender is smelling like apricots with a bit of engine oil since I did some car work this morning 🚗

been able to get back into cooking a little bit this past week. I used to cook a lot and really loved it, loved expressing myself and being creative through food, but then [THE HORRORS] and for so long I just didn't have the energy or the focus.

maybe it's silly, but it feels just... really really nice. almost empowering. like I'm reclaiming a part of my life that I used to love and is actually good for me.

I think it was a physics class where we started to learn the rate of cooling for liquids and I kick myself for not paying better attention to that for how long I gotta wait for my soup to cool down

Maybe some childhood trauma? But mostly good feels: ::: spoiler spoiler

I have had a lot of dreams throughout my life that were some flavour of "they're going to find out your faking it!" (It being gender something)

And since my egg exploded into a thousand pieces I haven't really had any dreams where I see myself as any gender presentation.

Well, the other night, I had a dream that a friend and I were going to another friend's house, and this friend was (relevant) Muslim. We get there, she invites us in, and she wasn't wearing her (it was a dream so I don't know, hijab maybe? ) and I was confused. I said something like " ohh, your not wearing your (hijab)?" And she said to me: "well, you're a woman aren't you?".

So I guess this means my brain is starting to work through the mess of -phobia's and emotional suppressions/repressions , and moving towards acceptance?

Not sure lol but I know I have been on an emotional rollercoaster, and I am sooooo happy that I have incredibly supportive friends! Like (I'm getting yappy now lol) I was terrified to come out to them, but it turns out that its because I didn't know they cared so much about me and now I'm both happy that they do, and that I'm now emotionally available enough to know it. Family will be harder for me but we all have to go at our own speed, and it sort of feels like I'm speed running it. :::

More yappy lol:

::: spoiler spoiler

Now that I feel myself around friends, all I want to do is hang out and chat with them. I worry, maybe unfounded, that I am waaay too much (adhd makes impulse control really hard) for them. And I probably am to some extent. Idk, its probably good to spread myself out between different friends/friend groups so I don't Icarus this lol

:::

One of my irl adopted little sisters and I did a little picnic lunch today where we each made eachother desserts and she made me a whole cake and I can't I do not deserve this especially when I only made her mediocre raspberry and lemon crepes

Me too Kiki, me too

How do you keep a middle part in place?

Had like 3 different dreams where I took hrt this night. I think it's a sign

Was going over space in my hard drive and realized couple Gbs of space were just minecraft modpacks I forgot about. Did get the urge to play some of them but thought against it, minecraft is more fun when I was playing it with friends than by myself.

Hey everyone. I just need to inform everyone, that my fav Vtuber Rain, the Radical Dame has reached 2k subs during the last livestream.

Introducing the new doggirl walkie talkie idea, so you know how like regular walkie talkies use like magic/radiowaves to transit sounds we'll use a network of to pass messages along doggirl to doggirl. I'm more the idea haver so someone else will need to set this up and remember to give me credit alright

might go to a karaoke night next week. should i sing Baka Mitai or is that too dorky?

vote for "he'll yeah EstraDoll, that's a great song you should do it"

vote for "no EstraDoll that's weeb shit from a video game sing Who Can It Be Now instead"

If you think about it, transition is a form of cultivation. We ingest/inject pills and herbs and substances to convert our yang essence into ying essence. Not only does this allow us to comprehend the dao to a higher degree, it also makes dual cultivation techniques more effective.

Oh, why yes. I did recently stumble upon niche Internet forums discussing Chinese YA fantasy novels. How could you tell?

Every injury/medical happening has me convinced that it's the end of the world until I get a second opinion. Spent all weekend freaking myself out over something that I've actually been managing properly. Lol

I saw Superman and Fantastic Four. I liked Superman more, but I thought both were like, good.

You know I was joking about transitioning being a form of cultivation. But there is apparently an actual cultivation novel with that premise. Haven't read it yet, but here you go

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/111627/the-yin-physique/

Unfortunately it seems abandoned... 😕

Saw an acquaintance on hinge and sent them a message. They messaged me back and I don't really know what to do. We already have each other on signal and see each other around every now and then so it's not like I'll lose all contact if I don't get back to them. I think they're very interesting, intelligent, and attractive and would love to go out with them but no idea how to approach that. The message I sent was a comment on one of their pictures. Basically, "Hey, this picture is kind of scary lol" and they responded with "Haha, yeah I think so too". No idea how to proceed from here with my brain.

Up with eep

I'm feeling bitter today and am going to take it out on my fuckass parents ....

IS THAT A MAO MAO COSPLAYER IRL?!?!

I kneel _ /---o_

Hey, can anyone doing diy help me out? I'm unsure about it, and don't know what to choose from where and if I should do it

::: spoiler gamedev rambling The fun thing about working with Rust (or maybe Bevy?) is that every silly little thing feels like such a huge accomplishment. It's like studying the arcane arts, I'm deep into Bevy source code or sparse documentation and when 0.17 comes out some of my code will probably need to change (for the better, of course), and occasionally if you cancel compilation at the wrong time it corrupts your build directory.

Anyway, I present to you, loading .ron files from a folder to populate item stats! This is probably a one-liner in Unity, lol, but that just ain't me.

The file structure:

InventoryItem(
  id: "sword_test",
  friendly_name: "Test Sword",
  scene_path: "sword_test.glb",
  item_type: Weapon(
    slot: PrimaryHand,
    two_handed: false,
    damage: ({
      Slash: 2
    })
  )
)

And partial code to actually deal with async loading:

#[derive(Resource, Default)]
pub struct ItemRegistry(Handle<LoadedFolder>, HashMap<String, InventoryItem>);

fn load_items(asset_server: Res<AssetServer>, mut item_registry: ResMut<ItemRegistry>) {
    // Preload everything in the folder.
    item_registry.0 = asset_server.load_folder("items");
}

fn folder_loaded(
    mut er_loaded_folder: EventReader<AssetEvent<LoadedFolder>>,
    folders: Res<Assets<LoadedFolder>>,
    items: Res<Assets<InventoryItem>>,
    mut item_registry: ResMut<ItemRegistry>,
) {
    for event in er_loaded_folder.read() {
        let AssetEvent::LoadedWithDependencies { id } = *event else {
            continue;
        };

        if id != item_registry.0.id() {
            continue;
        }

        let folder = folders.get(&item_registry.0).unwrap();

        for file in &folder.handles {
            let item = items.get(&file.clone().typed()).unwrap().clone();
            info!("discovered item {}", &item.id);

            item_registry.1.insert(item.id.clone(), item);
        }
    }
}

I am not sure at this point whether I'll keep the "stripping the InventoryItem out of the Handle," it doesn't seem necessary but it might be handy to not have the items cloned into player inventories - to ensure all instances of an item are the same, but if I want to do item XP or anything like that that kind of precludes it.

Of course, all this is to say nothing of the actual design of the game which uh looks like this.

And once again, I am very proud of the view model, which is apparently a somewhat standard term for the view of the player's hands and weapons in first-person (although I just resized the window and its no longer visible, so that's a problem lol oh no). Several confused rounds in Blender as the co-ordinate systems are weird and I basically had to set up the camera view to roughly match the game by eyesight in Blender. Oh, and I guess the 5-hour donut tutorial paid off because look at that HIGH-DEF ART.

::: spoiler age, dysphoria Preemptively bumming myself out because I'm gonna be way older than everyone else at school. I'm not a freshman girl. I'm gonna turn 30. I'll never have those formative experiences of being feminine.

It would have been cool to learn feminine things from a feminine person. As it stands I feel like I'm teaching myself rune magic, or alchemy or some shit.

::: spoiler doom Part of me is like, what if we just wild out? It's not like anybody is going to say anything either way. I think I've given people a lot of time and space to step up, notice, hold space in the ways that make sense to me. I think I've been very quiet so others can speak comfortably. I think I've waited for people to turn to me and say "you're acting different. what's up?" or "is everything okay?" and they didn't.

All of this was me being accommodating. Presenting myself in a way that people could help but I wasn't forcing them to by weaponizing my mental illness or something shitty like that. I wanted people to want to help.

But maybe everyone had their chance to ask, you know? Maybe any behavior that makes you wonder is just not up for discussion in the way it once was. Maybe there was a time that my habits were more malleable, but oh, you just missed it. Maybe. :::

will I watch:

anime I'm 9/70 episodes into ❌

new season of king of the hill, which is actually pretty good ❌

all of hazbin hotel S1 for probably the 8th time ✅

and i can go rot in the corner to make space for the pretty girls

I have got to buzz my hair off , I tie my hair too low and when I do my hair gets kind of ruined.

Seperate: Does anyone know the website that shows albums in a grid?

2 Question about hrt ::: spoiler spoiler Is the 28 days expiration date for vials true? Do any gray market sites have the testosteone pellets? :::

time to share a fun passage from my Inanna: Queen of Heaven and Earth book (stories and hymns from sumer).

::: spoiler NSFW(?)

Inanna placed the shugurra, the crown of the steppe, on her head

She went to the sheepfold, to the shepherd

She leaned back against the apple tree

When she leaned against the apple tree, her vulva was wondrous to behold.

Rejoicing at her wondrous vulva, the young woman Inanna applauded herself

(textbook gender euphoria)

:::

(edit: fixed the formatting)

Using Science! to figure out exactly how much of small talk is just lying [IRONIC]

Mfw when I said I would take a shower after painting my nails and report the results, but haven't been able to yet 😩 i think I can now though. what color(s) should I do?

Samura seiichi from kagurabachi is the first fictional crush I've had in years and it's for a married man with children and war trauma.

Well, his wife is dead so I have a chance ...

are my tiddies just going to hurt forever now? or does pain mean growth? or is both true?

I remember a friend saying I've become less anxious since they first knew me and I feel that's a win. I think a lot of it just having to do with realizing I"m not really responsible for other people or their moods, I'm still gonna be a good friend and confidant when I can but like I'm not gonna burn myself out if someone doesn't want the help. Guess that's the thing I can't really solve someone else's problems and I just gotta focus on my own first.

I just spent two hours filling out therapy intake paperwork. My therapist is going to have to read a goddamn novella before they meet me.

Being rocks, being and single still rocks I like being

The subreddit for making memes themed around Chinese cultivation novels has, in the span of 2 days, turned into a sub for sharing gay cartoon Chinese porn (that is still themed around cultivation).

This is the most fascinating phenomena I have seen. I mean, I have seen this happen before, but the sheer speed is ... incredible.

That post about the boymodding trans girl cultivator has seemingly caused an irreversible reaction.

The voices in my head need to shut the fuck up already ngl.

If I developed super powers I'd tell my family and friends, idk what powers I'm due based on my personality but I bet it be something weird.

This is the last time I do an outdoors event in August, think I might actually die next time

::: spoiler feeling awful continues (0 replies) I'm sad because I don't think I'll have a coming out anniversary, or anniversaries of those things. And I feel like all these firsts are just gonna happen and nobody knows me. I don't know how much any of it matters if there isn't anyone to share it with. I'm alone no matter what. I can go to every fucking meet-up but that doesn't mean I know what the fuck to say.

To me, the conversation is the messy stuff, the not feeling like a guy, the how to appear more feminine so people don't subconsciously treat you as male before you even notice them, the how do you walk and what do you wear and how do you shop and what do you do in your free time. To me the conversation isn't just one reply or one sentence one time, it's reciprocal and back and forth, we message , we talk.

And like, I don't want the small talk, the one-offs, etc, until the Deep Down is addressed. To me a sign that someone cares and is invested is that they want to talk about the messy stuff, they aren't scared. There's care, like, the act of helping, and I could use that.

I'm just floored at how different my mindset is from everyone else's. It's hard not to start to see this as an indictment on my own social skills. You're probably all normal and I'm the weirdo. Maybe I should start a blog or something where I can just not have comments, so that I'm not disappointed when nobody says anything. :::

If people are sick of me, please just tell me to leave

Sweet potato noodles with a red chili + sichuan pepper seasoning and mixed with boiled corn + carrots + peas is pretty fucking goated. Perfect thing for when you need fast flavour than kicks you in your ovaries then kidnaps your family and demands ransom.

I remember playing tamogachi life and making and shipping my irl friends together. Pretty much all my friends are lgbtq+ so I did have some trouble with a few this still being a nintendo game, the solution was to trans a couple of them to make it work. I haven't talked to some of them in years though so I'm wondering how close I got nowadays with mods or romhacks no longer an issue.

"Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law" rings hollow in this time of Samsara and sunyatta. Or maybe its still true, but not like hedonistic or nihilistic. The answer is still, do what you will. None of it matters as the wheel turns

Work being picky about me not working too many hours, very annoying. Just gimme the hours.. have trainings and stuff next month too. I think I can ditch a few shifts and skate under their limits.

::: spoiler CW: death and stuff Somehow wandered into a graveyard containing WW2 memories (all the death dates are in 1944-1945). It really stands out to me just how young everyone here is. There's like 3 out 30 people older than 30. Some are even younger than me.

It just makes me think that I will be on a memorial or grave at a similar age. :::

::: spoiler ex every time my ex posts an accomplishment I start to want to experience the second to last episode of each season of Bojack Horseman (complete and utter crashout, existential hallucinations, often a musical number, etc)

she won the breakup. all my exes won by virtue of leaving i guess

idk everyone is prettier than me so it doesn't matter. I keep forgetting to eat lunch and dinner so it's laaaaaaate and I need to eat. Maybe I'll be prettier if I don't eat though. I won't feel less sick tho idk

anyway, the point of this is that my ex is prettier than me and it makes me feel like I don't exist or shouldn't or whatever. she's probably among the last people I had,like, a one on one conversation with outside of my family. This was 2023 maybe? even then I had stopped talking to people really around 2021

she's also probably the only person I've ever talked in person about sexuality with. not even since starting to come out, honestly. I don't know when or where people are talking about these things.

Sometimes I wish she wanted to talk to me. I feel like I could at least try to explain things right. At least explain things right. Then she can kick me to the curb like everyone else.

Idk, might not keep this one up. Then again, I delete all my crashout posts. If you get annoyed by that, try leaving a response. I tend to assume nobody reads. I no longer understand this website. That is all.

::: spoiler this became a tangent actually When i mean people talk about things i mean like, "oh I know that's her color" or "well she always does this so it must mean that" sorry but just the sphere of connectivity where you're always talking to someone who's always talking to someone and you know this and that about them and you all do this for that oerson because it'stheir favorite or you all know this insids joke, it fascinates me and, like, I want to be an equal participant. I want to be in a network where I consider and am considered.

Am I making the neurotypicals uncomfortable with this one? Like, I'm hyperaware of the frequency we talk and the depth of our conversations, it's a bit like a sound wave. It's possible that I don't perceive a conversation to be particularly negative or stressful because these topics weigh heavily on me and therefore are pretty commonplace, but idk. I'm often just grateful that anyone said anything at all. It's that bad. :::

I am a god of creativity. Raw creativity (I made peanut butter chocolate cups while high)

Idk if getting testing for ADHD is worth it, testing for autism was nothing more than a nuisance. Somehow left with even less of an understanding. On the other hand ,I keep losing things and feel very hyper

skateboard yearning/posting

::: spoiler spoiler Want to skate so badly. Not even biking satisfies the urge. :::

Left an astral projected dream invite with someone just now, hope she seems my friend request and adds me it's exhausting but what else can I do to make friends.

anhedonia

anshedonia

there should be a button on the front page that refreshes the tagline

Another movie review with only mild spoilers.

This time it's for "tenet". It's a movie about a world where tech has been invented to reverse the flow of time for chosen objects. Other than the interesting setting, it is just an American action movie with everything that entails.

Scientific accuracy/inaccuracy:

The only blatantly inaccurate part about the movie was when they aparantly forgot that "reverse time travelling matter" should just combine with forward moving matter and annihilate. But if the movie kept to this aspect, you literally couldn't have a movie (cause everything would explode and die).

I do like that they otherwise kept the techno babble and incoherent nonsense to basically 0. The tech is basically magic. You don't need to make up some bs about how it works.

Action scenes:

Cool, but mostly confusing. A lot of the action I just couldn't follow. Partially cause I was zooted while watching the movie. And partially because the movie has no fucking chill to let you process what is happening on screen.

Sometimes it's fine. I do like how often, the movie will just omit showing you things when it's easy to figure out what probably happened.

Plot:

The plot is basically action movie protagonist saves the world. And I don't think he even has a name. He's just called "protagonist". I did think it was sad that we didn't see the core concept of backwards moving shit be explored more. The most they do with the concept of backwards moving objects is set up a couple of plot twists and shit.

Characters:

A couple of fairly serviceable characters forms the main cast. But most of their backstories are just ignored. For example, why is our protagonist so ... posh? I think he also just randomly speaks Japanese at one point?????

Conclusion:

Watch this movie. It's fun that makes you go "woah, that's funky" a few times. Be sure to be high. It helps.

Recently watched Pacific rim. Surprisingly fun movie. Just a few comments. Mild spoilers for the movie.

1. Why the fuck are humans not using nukes against kaijus even though nukes seem to be perfectly effective against them, and way more sensible than sending slow ass robot tin cans piloted by people with daddy issues?

2. Damn, that chain sword thing was really cool. It cut through the kaijis like butter. WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU FIST FIGHTING THE KAIJU WHEN YOU HAVE A SWORD?!?!?

3. The nerd scientist character is cute, funny and husband material

4. The singular Japanese girl character who is a martial artist is not treated in a cringe weeby way. Impressive.

I'm going to fujo all over the place.

I've been reading this book on boolean rings and the pages are mostly numbered the way you'd expect except there are pages 2a, 2b, and 2c, followed by 3, 4, 5, etc. There's also some 2 pages in the 60 range I think that has an a and a b page, and maybe more that i didn't catch. I'm trying to figure out why the hell it's like this.

Does anyone here use bookwyrm and want to add each other?

When are we going to open up the trans mega circle pit?

guess it's my turn

::: spoiler cw: SI been thinking about suicide constantly these days. not really in a "teetering on the edge, about to take the plunge" type way (well, most of the time), more in a "i have consulted the charts and run the numbers and concluded this would be best for everyone involved" sort of fashion. the only thing that stays my hand is the knowledge that it would destroy the last few people i have in my life, despite the objective fact that they would be better off (materially and emotionally) if i were dead. as it stands i'm trapped here, unable to extricate myself from my loved ones gently enough that my leaving and my passing would cause minimal harm. and so the world gets to suffer the exquisite joy of my presence.

this rocks :::

Ya hmar

restaurant where the servers have all had two drinks before clocking in and that's the selling point