hello gang, signups to make the mega continue to be present at the top of every thread because i need the attention

oscardejarjayes* (7/28 - 8/3)   
BountifulEggnog* (8/4 - 8/10)
Seryph (8/11 - 8/17)
Shaleesh (8/18 - 8/24)
GayTuckerCarlson* (8/25 - 8/31)
Eco* (9/1 - 9/7)
nemmybun (9/8 - 9/14)
Disaster_of_Passion* (9/15 - 9/21)
Carcharodonna* (9/22 - 9/28)
sodium_nitride* (9/29 - 10/5)

Wmill (10/27 - 11/2)

​ * after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters

::: spoiler anti diy shit and unsupportive family My gf has family who are worried that she will one day od on fent from spiked diy hrt and I swear to god fentanyl spiked estradiol has got to be one of the most unintentionally hilarious concepts I have ever heard.

I think if anyone suggested that to me I would simply not find within me the ability to hold back a laugh in their face. :::

rant time :3

can people stop saying "protect trans youth" just to turn around and do everything in their power to exclude trans youth? trans youth have been having it worse and worse because there exists literally no community for trans youth, online or offline. treating youth like less than human and isolating them just leads to trauma, anxiety, depression, and normalizes oppression. its the part of the reason why things are so bad today. stop playing into a conservative narrative you KNOW is bullshit. when y'all get old and become unsuit for activism, there's a chance that there won't be anyone to replace you, because no one supported the next generation of queer people. how do you ever hope to band together if you actively exclude the new generation? if the very groups that they belong in don't actually want them until they're "old enough"? we need to remember that if we don't support the next generation, we're the ones to be erased from history, because the next gen are the people to hold the torch.

It is such a weird feeling to have had someone you were like two halves of a whole with and then go back to being single. Particularly in that very delicate, growing up time between like 18 to 30. So much of me was part of someone else, and visa versa. I wonder if 7 of 9 felt like this when she was cut off from the hive mind lol

apparently itchio just shadow banned all "adult" content

this is truly the worst timeline

diff shade of pink, I like it but nothing from my outfit matches

I regret to report the lesbian yearning continues to intensify

up with trans

I'm alive but it certainly feels like death

Libraries are safe spaces where I can sit as queerly as I want not like chuds come in to read or anything

got new booootsss

lookin pretty good in them if we do say so ourselves

::: spoiler last night's practice

:::

It was 6 months on HRT this weekend. I figured I'd be happier but my job situation is kinda wack currently and dating apps have not been going good... wahoo

I'd say yes, but probably not in the way they're thinking

Been on hormones a few weeks now and I just feel so much better emotionally! My skin is already softer and it makes me happy

i think i’m transitioning into a child instead of a woman, one tsa guy asked if I was 18, and another asked if I was 13 🫠

i keep telling myself that they're not into me. that they don't see me as anything other than a friend. that this isn't a date and that i shouldn't get my hopes up. idk how much of this is just defense mechanism but... ugh. it's never worked out romantically for me and i've fucking tried more times than I can count

getting my hopes up feels nice but then i immediately get scared and press it back down again. saying this will fail and we'll only just be friends keeps me safe and dead inside. saying that this will go well and get you a partner just feels like

girls

I love talking to the kind trans people on my phone. It's nice.

Sometimes it feels a lot of the comments my mom makes about my appearance have more what she thinks than not, she tends to frame it as "what will others say" like I don't deny I do get it. Every job interview I go to I get rid of my polish any fun eyeliner I was feeling and mute myself to no real avail anyway since no one's hiring. I love her dearly still just find it tiring. Hell she even justifies it to her coworkers my appearance, I'm swole and got long curly dark hair and she got asked why I'm looking like Samson. Her go to respose is that I'm gonna donate to kids with cancer, they shut up afterwards.

i'm bigender which means i'm non binary

i'm bigender which means i'm more binary than you, nerd

Feeling gross and weird today

But I'm going to ballgame tonight so that'll hopefully be good

::: spoiler therapy stuff, possibly a harmful take idk The more i learn about the history of psychiatry as a field, particularly how it relates to queer people, the more skeptical I become of the whole thing as any sort of helpful tool, especially with how "you need therapy" has become one of the default answers to anyone struggling.

I didn't have bad experiences with therapy, it was just sorta underwhelming for me, helpful in some minor ways, but it's kinda hard to trust the field at all when it carries so much homophobic, racist, mysogynist and anti-trans baggage. :::

Having a bit of a health issue just posting so that if I die I'll be known for posting on the commie bear site as my final act

::: spoiler i dislike all the talk of community in my irl circles. Shit doesnt exist.

I would like to never be perceived again... I just... I do not want to ever do a social thing ever again. Im so tired of feeling completely alone and isolated even when surrounded by so-called community. There is no queer community, no trans community. Theres just a bunch of somewhat-overlapping social groups. And ya girl is not good at integrating/being part of them. Like, the message is clear: people do not want to talk to me. I dont understand why, and i try to be social, but god, i had two utter failures of social situations in as many days, and the common denomenator is me. Im not supposed to have friends or be included in social groups...

::: spoiler depresso wish I could stop existing. not in like a sui way, but just disappear for a little while. lay down and evaporate into mist, stop experiencing things for a couple days, a week, a month. even just a little bit of rest would be so nice. I'm so tired. :::

how it feels to airdrop logic pro from a macbook in an apple store to your phone and get it to run on your computer with xattr and chmod

pray for me 😔

I'm meeting with some other trans women for make-up practice this weekend. Quitting Germany really was the best decision. Kinda interesting how I mostly hang out with the other diy girlies. The ones with the diagnoses and endos and stuff just are not as interested.(and also tend to be libs, with some unpleasant opinions)

::: spoiler dysphoria Why do I simultaneously worry about never being able to fit perfectly into a binary gender ideal, while at the same time idolizing gender-blurring in others? I find androgyny in people so incredibly appealing and attractive. When I think about my voice, frame, etc. never being fem enough, however, it bothers me a little. Self-love and self-acceptance is hard. :::

Trans athlete ban just hit USA Fencing. Leadership didn't want it, membership didn't want it, but the executive order threatened their NGB status.

Shit sucks. The chairman gave a good shot at defending us at the doge show trial, but idk what could be done here. If they didn't comply, we might end up with a governing body that actually hates trans people, rather than one that tried but failed to include us.

it is entirely too warm, down with summer

5h of sleep is not okay. My eepy princess ass can't deal with this. And today I gotta go to the office

Just smoked a pack of fentstradiol

Most of the time when people call me a woman it feels comfortable, but there's one particular guy that it just kind of... Doesn't feel right when he does it. I don't know if he's just trying too hard to be supportive or what it is but when he calls me a woman it makes me feel uncomfortable. I genuinely cannot tell you why.

I shaved yesterday ::: spoiler spoiler Oooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwww it hurts today :( :::

Yearned too hard, cried

down with cis

Bonus pollinator fact: while Earth has had land plants for almost 500 million years, pollinators have only existed in the past 160 million years. For most of the time that there have been plants on the land, there weren't any flowers to be pollinated, because they hadn't evolved yet!

::: spoiler mother I never reconciled with going into hospice Mom is in pretty late stage of cancer, gonna be seeing her later today.

I cut her out of my life years before her stroke and I'm worried she's not going to recognize me at all - we never really met up or talked after my transition. Still going, though. I figure there's no reason to hold a grudge here at the end when there isn't much time left. I'm going to need to deadname my way through this because there's no way she'll remember I changed my name.

This is gonna be tough. I don't owe her shit, but I think I owe this to myself. I'd definitely regret not trying. :::

::: spoiler update So, the visit was okay. She didn't believe I was who I said I was at first, but we got past that. We watched Tom and Jerry and I told her about my work. The visit was short because I had to go to work after

I'm going to see her again Sunday with my sister, probably for a longer time. I hope having someone else there will make it easier to keep conversation going. :::

Weekend coming gonna party with some tea, pancakes and idk might put an audiobook on while I won't be at the library I still wish to keep the library vibes going

::: spoiler dysphoria Eepy so things are feeling a bit weirder then normal, god I wish I looked like a woman. fuckin- hair and voice and idk what else to change to be that way. I don't have much to say other then I really want it right now, not that I don't usually..

I feel sad, longing... envious :::

You have not experienced Shakespeare until you have read him in the original pig latin

barkbarkbark

The contents of this mysterious can have been transfered to my stomach

Ahhhh I shaved my legs and they’re already just so prickly! And my hamstrings look like big terrible strawberries because I sat not on the edge of my seat. >:(

Lmao one of my besties is fucked up too hell yeah medical buddies

considering trying to raise funds for escaping naziland but also would feel bad for taking from people who "actually need it"

i mean its not that bad here the govt is just kidnapping people and putting them in concentration camps slave labor prisons itll be fine right :3

Going in to work, my hair a completely tangled mess from swimming the other day and being too depressed this weekend to do literally anything to take care of myself. Also we're short staffed, we've been on this same schedule for like months how do they not have this worked out. But then later we have too many staff and there's a chance management gets pissy about it. Maybe look at the schedule and assign an appropriate amount of hours?? Also my hair being a mess fuckin sucks I hate it. I hate dealing with long hair. Pretty sure I'd crash out if I cut it short atp though.

I still don't know what a lububu is and frankly I think it's funny people just be making up terms and pretending like they real

I think I'm part demigirl part agender if that makes sense

Meet someone in my dreams she was real nice but I couldn't see her anymore for reasons that were hard to describe. She gave me a nail polish that in the sun light was light blue but in the moonlight turned light pink. I miss her dearly and I'm starting to think I know what this might mean. that was one hell of an adventure we went on

Going on a multi day trip with friends for the first time tbh and very excited. Just haven't known people like that since becoming an adult. I have the next few days until we leave off too and fuck I haven't felt this excited in a while. I can't think of much else to say about it without ruminating on the past and I'm not rly in a ruminating on the past kinda mood.

::: spoiler some negativity I'm out to them and they still he/him me :/ I know what everyone's suggestion is, to correct them and ask for she/her and my real name... I still dunno though. I don't want to make things weird or uncomfortable. :::

the power of AI...

I feel if I ever got into online dating I'd do alright, I can hold a conversation pretty good. When the initial dopamine rush hits I've talked to people for days at a time and not been weird or anything. I do feel I fizzle out though and just slowly stop talking though and I do worry about that if I ever get into a relationship

Old men love it when I dress like a ghost wearing long grey pants, long sleeve grey shirt, and a giant black sun hat in the triple digit heat index.

I love that photo!

Messaged my cousin two days ago- no word yet. Guessing she just doesn't check instagram much.

I may very well be invincible holy shit final destination tried to get me and I kicked it's ass

Idk how to talk to anyone 10 years younger than me, should I just start asking them about their fortnites?

Having got rid of my worst habit I'm like what the fuck am I supposed to do with my time now how am I gonna complain about not having enough free time in the day and guiltly procrastinate now

I'm feeling exhausted and burned out. I feel like I need to let my emotions out somehow but can't, which is even more exhausting. I'm also getting a bad rash and my hands and arms which I think is stress related. I hate this but I'll get through it. I haven't been as active in the mega threads lately, but I hope everyone is doing ok. Hopefully after this week I'll have some downtime to chat in tracha and get my nerf blaster assembled.

And I'll hold my own hand! So there!

Cut my fucking finger nail shaving today.

Also love thought loops that are genuinely just true. Like sometimes a little bit exaggerated but overall pretty darn accurate. Fuck.

Being trans still doesn't feel real even though I have to habitually wear bras to prevent my boobs from being annoying and can no long lie down on my chest.

I think it's just that I haven't made any real progress in the past few months. And even some of the progress I made (growing out my hair) was undone by my parents (forcing me to cut it).

But it's fine. At least taiwan is fun. Here, I can eat food without going into debt (this is not a joke. I'm actually in debt for my living expenses in europe).

Good morning or whatever, have a good week everybody!

I have no choice, I need to buy every isometric city builder game from the late 90s to mid 2000s. It's the only way

Looking in the mirror I see ...

Some who looks like my dad in the photo taken of him when he was an office worker in 1990s India.

According to my mom, he was just as much of a noodles addict back then as I am now.

It's almost ... endearing I could say.

hasn't played guitar really at all this year after having a couple hand injuries

still develop a special interest in weird obscure guitars

narrowly avoiding catastrophe at work (catching myself before absentmindedly responding to "why are you so quiet today?" in femme voice with "I'm a sleeeepyyy kittyyy...")

I feel lonely even in the midst of people

Being alone has the benefit of having lots of time to do introspection

Doing introspection consists of asking yourself questions, but it doesn't mean that you will like the answers or be able to do anything about them

My wife is so spicy she pissed off the local character who sent us an angry message claiming that we hate women (shes a radfem.) I'm like "😩nooooo" but my wife is over here crying from laughter and plans to leave her on read.

Pollinators kick ass

was thinking about cutting my hair short, go for something super gay, but honestly the way I've been tying my hair back is super cute and easy so I might just keep it long

[venting] AHHH IM CRUSHING SO HARD ON THIS GIRL AND IM MOVING FAR AWAY VERY SOON!!! I feel this like incredible sense of loss because I really feel like we could have been so amazing together…. But I’m also in an open relationship and yeah idk I am feeling so goddamn confused and torn apart. Trying to figure out the open thing but yeah idk I’ve been crushing on this girl for a year or so… I don’t know if it would ever work out or if she feels the same about me…

idk if I should say anything or what. I really want to but I feel like my brain is clouded by emotions and it might make her uncomfortable…. But I’ve also used that reasoning to basically avoid telling anyone anything about my feelings for my whole life. Idk.

It happened enough times where I'd meet someone and say "hello" and they copy me back and chuckle. Idk what it is about my voice that puts people in a good mood but it helps me from time to time at least puts me in a good mood

If you could have either the flying and metamorphosis of a butterfly, or the flowering and reproduction via seeds of a thistle plant, which of those would appeal to you more?

Getting back into better call Saul makes me want to get up into schemes and shit hope when I get into breaking bad next I won't want to do meth

::: spoiler [Dramatically inhales] ::: spoiler Pee pee, ::: spoiler poo poo. :::

Am I being stupid or is the site being broken? I tried adding a new set of pronouns along with the classic she/her and it reset me to none/use any

I had lots of fun today. Gotta to yell out "O chinchin ga daisuki" in the streets with a bunch of Japanese people (long story). There were Thai, Mexicans, Taiwanese and tons of people. We ate. We played this physical rhythm game thing. Then I went home.

It took me 5 minutes to become depressed again. Fuck this bullshit ass brain chemistry. I don't know and I don't care what mental pathologies I am suffering from. Just go away. Leave me alone.

I don't want to end on a negative note, so I will just say. I love my boobs. If I went back in time my younger self would be so freaked out. But "he" had dreams of being strapped into a machine and gender swapped. So I think "he" would come round.

I think while a lot of fans want kiwami 3 4 5 etc not a lot of them played kiwami 2 to realize how these games are gonna come out and are more enraptured with kiwami 1 than anything. I'm still playing kiwami 2 and yeah it has it's merits but if you hoped on the series at 0 went to kiwami 1 and expect things to remain like that it can be a bit of a let down.

Ok my DM game prob too strong, just been looking for friends not flings or marriage. It's for this reason I remain strongest soldier I'm basically but like fr

Long rant cw: dysphoria ::: spoiler spoiler So I did order from dash and paid but since I don't think the person saw it , I don't have the vial. Feel awful about it, I did everything with the wise transfer , taking a while. Feel as though it's too late , it should've came earlier but it didn't and now everything fucking sucks :::

I hate that I can know nothing is wrong* but my brain won't let me move past the imaginary thing that's bothering me.

*currently; the future is completely fucked

and the secret rings Demon's Souls Shrine of storms, trust me on this

I love biking but don't think I'm doing enough for my arm muscles. Tracha, what do you suggest?

Watching drag race, and it inspires me to practice with makeup and clothes more. If these cis men can pass flawlessly, I as a trans woman can too.

Chat, I'm sleepy

I got told I have northernlion bits in my blood

rivals doing a call back to shadow 05 "aww so sweet"

Generations lazily mentioning secret rings or colors "this is some bullshit right here"

Chef (2014) is a movie about a man who rediscovers his passion for food and cooking, mending his relationship with his son and ex-wife along the journey

Chef (2014) is a movie about a boomer who learns to post

i am heterosexual and bigender

i am straight for men AND i am straight for women

/s (i'm like 90% sure this is an /s moment)

Dash confirmed the order

trying to get back into with a little modded SA 2. I've 100% it before on the ps3 (decent port imo since it's basically the dreamcast version). Got the Windii retranslation, full story mode, general qol improvements and some chao garden modes. I wanna get 100% on steam but fuck me I don't wanna have to wait for days on end just to raise and breed the perfect chao again. I honestly prefer Adventure 1 more but already 100% that one and now doing this to just get the steam achievement and slowly get back into the storybook games again.