People always seem horrified or act like I'm telling a joke when I tell them my age. What's the problem I made a pact with Satan in the middle ages to look 20 forever

Wear sunscreen

::: spoiler cw: trans suicide, death, obituary, mental health, HIV/AIDS I don't really have others to talk about this that really understand, but my ex-gf killed herself several weeks ago and I am incredibly sad about it. She wasn't a great girlfriend towards the end of our relationship, she did not treat me well, but still I don't think what happened to her in life is deserved. Not a lot of people seem to care all that much that she is gone because she often burned her bridges. But I care. She suffered greatly in life and I think it is deeply unfair. From her family mistreatment to how society mistreated her. The world really seems to quickly forget the dead. She really struggled, the cops targeted her, HIV/AIDs and lack of mental health resources made her life very difficult at times.

I want people to know she is existed. If you have the capacity to read her obituary, please do: https://www.legacy.com/us/obituaries/globegazette/name/jessica-porter-obituary?id=58482844 :::

If I die of heart failure soon I want everyone here to know my final word... beanis.

Fr getting old is tough running fucking sucks now

down with cis

I was hit with the sudden realization and belief that I have a personality. Which is huge for me tbh. I used to not understand why anyone would enjoy being around me and for the past little bit I understood why on a somewhat intellectual level, but today I can say I actually feel it

been upping my game and have read gay interactive fiction at work instead of gay fanfics

When I was 16 I got myself a shirt with a medium-deep v-neck, and every time I wore it I would feel so exposed and naked, because until then I only had crew necks and poloshirts.

I wish teenage me could’ve seen the shit I’m wearing now. I would’ve loved to see her face.

::: spoiler cw: eating stuff There was a time I was dieting hard and losing weight but I was in nursing school. I don't remember why it came to me, but I thought to myself "if I fed anyone else the way I feed myself, I'd be sent to jail. I give better care at work to strangers than I've done for myself and they're not even paying me. In fact I gotta pay tuition to go to this." :::

up with trans

The downside of being agender is that "good they" really doesn't roll off the tongue like "good boy" or "good girl"

feels unfair that my boobs are so small they're barely noticeable but big enough to hurt when i go jogging

first lol

::: spoiler told my dad... (CW coming out, parent reactions) Honestly probably the best possible reaction said he was incredibly surprised but still loves and supports me.

Tone was very sad, like he was absolutely gutted to hear it though. But didn't say anything bad or nasty.

Followed up with a message saying I was brave, he was confused, still loves me etc

So I can work with this. :::

When I die I want to stay on the earth to trans some genders as a ghost

damn, being a girl is great. i can just sit about the house relaxing in a sports bra with an open flannel over it, this rocks

The cis don’t want you to know this but adopting babytranses at the park is free. You can just take them home. I have 10 trans sisters.

I don't really have that much gender thoughts any more. There's still changes from HRT and stuff, but not a lot month to month, and things have kinda stabilized into something I'm very happy with.

So I just post random nonsense in the trans mega instead.

i think it's interesting that as I've transitioned I've unsurprisingly become a lot more femme, but I think i've actually grown a bit more masc as time has gone on too? like, I feel like as I've let my feminine side flourish there's this masc side of me that's always kind of existed but was super repressed because I hated gender and myself but it's finally started to bloom a bit as well. I joke with myself saying I'm a binary trans woman but still 7% male and it's weird to feel this small masc side of me actually want to exist rather than me existing 100% as a man out of spite to the universe

::: spoiler A whirlwind of good and bad things (CW Sex discussion, transphobia, parents reactions, cancer, familial death etc) I had an amazing morning yesterday, my partner and I had sex for the first time since I settled on identifying as a woman and it was just really nice.

Jarring shift in tone we told her parents via video chat because some personal events had pushed our timeline forward and we couldn't do it face to face. Which was probably good because they reacted to me being a trans woman and her being a bisexual woman really badly. Like it was a cancer diagnosis. Both of us felt really hurt by it. It wasn't cut all contact but not the way either of us expected. We're just giving them some time right now.

I saw my doctor this morning. He increased my girl pills and gave me a prescription for dick pills, so my two super-objectives were achieved.

I spoke to my mother which I thought would be fine, and it was but also super-unexpected in a few directions. I had a great uncle who died who everyone assumed was gay, but my mother has been sorting out their old stuff, scanning private pictures and letters, she says based on these she thinks she was actually a trans woman (intimate correspondence with lovers, photos never seen dressing femme). This is kind of surreal as this was a person I knew from childhood to my 20s when they died, it's kind of bittersweet, you know we never got a chance to talk and share with this, but also like I feel this deeper connection?

Also my mum is totally an egg, they always identified as a gay man trapped in a woman's body, they felt enormous relief when they had their breasts removed for cancer and had their ovaries removed. I suggest they read Leslie Feinberg's trans liberation and basically mentioned it's never too late to give cross gender hormones a little spin.

My parents are divorced and I didn't think my mother would be a problem but I'm worried my parent's in law might reach out soon to either of them once their shock wears off, so I'm moving quickly. So I guess I'm talking to my father tonight and I have no idea how it goes, but it's going to be nice have all this done and have ended the phase I've been calling my "soft-open", where I don't hide that I'm trans but I haven't been advertising it either.

It's crazy because for work I've been powering through meetings with a pink linen sport's coat with a she/her pin over otherwise all black, looking C***y AF, but it's easier to be confident to people I've never met before. :::

In case you were wondering, I'm still gay

The worst part of transitioning for an adventurer isn't getting the literal breastplate fitted to all your armour, it's the voice training to change your pain grunts from "ugh" to "ugh~ ♥️".

I don't want to inject myself. I'm squeamish.

i absolutely fucking detest the neurotypicals and how they talk. stop asking me these extremely high context questions and just ask me what the fuck you want. stop having me plug in what i guess your questions are and JUST FUCKING ASK ME

I can't believe I made such a big deal about getting an injection

The whole process finished in like 2 minutes. Although I think part of why I didn't get so worked up today was cause I got annoyed by removing all the air in the syringe. Hate truly is a powerful and useful emotion.

"It is what it is"

It isn't what it is. What now. It is what it isn't. A is A can no longer be trusted. Identity is fluid and relational. Now what will you do, cower like a dog or seize the opportunity to act

My face feels weird after laser

I got unironically complimented on my fit by a random queer zoomer. So yeah I'm pretty cool.

::: spoiler cw: misogyny This was from last Saturday when I was hanging out with my partner, but I got catcalled for the first time last weekend. Just a drive-by by a passing driver while we were walking on the sidewalk in my partner's hometown downtown. Honestly, I was kinda worried about the outfit I was wearing: it was for a party but the party got delayed by 3 hours so we had time to go about town. I was confused at first since it took time to process, but it definitely not a good/fun experience. :::

so like

am i ever gonna be allowed to take a flight as a trans woman in the US again or am i just fucked?

Estrogen

Um. The dysphoria may be worse than I thought.

Finally got a chance to come out to come out to that guy friend coworker. He said all the right thing, that he supports me ect.

::: spoiler misgendering Also called me sir half way through the conversation. I started it by telling him of course. ::: spoiler just complaining like always I've hurt since. Idk why I try. I knew this would be hard but not like this. I actually, literally can't. I don't want to do anything again. I've been so dysphoric lately. The feeling isn't even just from him being a dipshit. It just hurts all the time now. This is horrible. One of the worst fates I could imagine. A nightmare. :::

switching my phone and i remember why i hate doing this on the funny side it seems i've put in like 70k messages in signal in less than a year

asexual autistic person whose special interest is sex who finds it interesting in a totally theoretical way that they aren't actually interested in having

I AM THE VEIN WHISPERER

💪💪💪

Planning a Pride trip to a major USian city with my partner and some of their queer friends.

When a video has Part 1 in the title, but then you look on the channel after and the other parts still aren’t out

found families are so cool, wish they were real

I somehow feel as though I'm not maximizing my gay potential

Why are the lock and feature buttons next to each other smh

Hell is other people

I went up to 6mg estrogen and I'm so hungry all the fucking time. I know it's connected both logically and from googling. But it's wild.

(lesbianly develops crush on a very tall very cute WNBA player)

You can really be anything you want and I think that's great.

I support you

::: spoiler CW parental transphobia JFC my parents in law broke radio silence after ghosting us for four days, with amazing points such as:

-her mother is sick little birthday girl so we can’t be mad at her

-they feel abandoned. That is despite them not responding to our messages and sending none of their own

-they feel they can’t tell anyone as they’ve been made to hold this secret, we told them we were telling them first prior to my immediate exiting of the closet the next day,

-misunderstood comments like this was a process of discovery over several years from gender fluidity to non binary to clarity, and implied I had secretly decided I was a woman 5 years ago and not told them (god I wish)

-then proceeded a bunch of pestering questions only at me because my partner is interstate for work and posting pics, like I’d have small chat after all that

-and it’s at 10pm before a Monday with shit I’ve got to do and now I’m cooking hot dogs and reading Dorley Hall to calm down :::

Happy pride month everyone!

Never forget you're infinitely more based than any cis person could ever hope to be - even if it's hard to feel good sometimes. It's been rough this year, but at least now we can legally kill one cis person a day for the entire month. Hope you're all doing okay 💜

::: spoiler depressed-posting, cw: misogyny, transphobia really wish I could get a real life support structure and friend group that wasn't almost entirely cishet men... all the people who I've been closest with who are still in my life are cishet men, they're the people who have in many ways given me the most tangible support, but they all just have this really like passive creepy misogyny, passive transphobia... and it's just like little things, they're not going on like incel rants... but it still feels like I'm always just waiting for a bomb to go off, like I'm always on high alert and I can never feel comfortable. These are people who have been my safe people before, my safe friends, and I don't feel safe with them anymore in a time where I need safe people more than ever.

I can't help but wonder if I'm just a shitty person, because the only people who ever seem to like me end up being shitty people. Or if I'm just some sort of mark, like I'm just here to be used and sucked dry and thrown away. Can't help but think it's both. fuck. idk. I feel like my options are basically cling to my support structure that it hurts to hold on to, or have no support structure at all, and those are pretty shitty options. :::

::: spoiler (cw: Homophobia) I think I got called a removed by someone walking next to me today? Not entirely sure, it was under his breath but it did distinctly sound like that. Kinda pissed about it regardless. :::

How the hell do I feel motivated to do anything when I can't make any progress on my tasks? I hate software shit. 90% of the time you feel like you are getting nowhere.

::: spoiler spoiler I swear there's an emoji of someone who's face is melting off and that's pretty much how I feel :::

Dysphoria’s stupid. I don’t want to look like a woman but I only ever get jealous of the way women look.

one of gender-affirming-but-shitty things I do to myself is looking at posts from trans girls living the kind of life I wish I had and letting myself obsess over how jealous I am of them it until it stews into self hatred

this never happened when I looked at posts from conventionally successful men when I thought I was one of them

The lesser evil that is a strict bedtime why do I have to pick this

::: spoiler substance abuse trying not to drink having me feel like mr. krabs

DAY FIFTY FIVE! GIVE IT UP FOR DAY FIFTY FIVE!

it's only getting harder and i'm fucking losing it :::

::: spoiler Measurements and brainworms Every time I measure myself or get measured I somehow get closer to having an hourglass figure despite doing literally nothing. My waist keep getting thinner and my chest and hips keep getting wider. I'm genuinely even close to my hips being as wide as my shoulders.

My brain can't keep up or cope with it. I still feel like someone who wears men's medium/large and is bigger than the women around me despite the fact that I currently wear women's smalls and, beyond height, most women I know have bigger sizes than me. I even know that, when I first measured myself pre-E, that I was actually on par with cis women's measurements (based on the dress I was ordering) with the one exception being my waist which has since gotten smaller such that everything is on par now except occasionally height and shoulder width depending on the piece. So I recognise that I was actually more feminine in build in the first place than I thought I was, and I recognise that I'm incredibly lucky to have this sort of body. And I'm really grateful about that, I love it and I've loved watching it sculpt itself with estrogen.

But it is also existentially terrifying to consider when it shows just how much my body has changed in the 1.5 years since I started E and got kicked out. My waist getting thinner? That's because I literally ate nothing more than one muffin a day (at best) for a whole month immediately after I was kicked, and while I've been eating better I'm still not eating as well as I used to. My boobs and hips getting bigger? Typical estrogen effects that make me happy, but it's also pushing me into having a hourglass-adjacent body shape that is, for trans women, very atypical and feels almost alien compared to what I expected my body to become. I'll reiterate that I'm incredibly happy with all of these changes. But I'd be lying if I didn't say that whenever I get a concrete number to think about it scares me a little. It's always a reminder of where I was a year and a half ago and how my self-image doesn't align with my actual self at times, it's always a reminder of how quick a body can drastically change, and it's always a reminder that, maybe, a lot of the things I was dysphoric over were never quite so bad as they used to feel to me.

To use a term I loathe, being faced with these concrete numbers make me feel like I've been a "bdd passoid." I despise that term and how people use it to just insult anyone they consider prettier than them, while being dismissive of whatever dysphoria the person in question has. But it almost feels like it fits me, when I'm given these exact measurements that tell me not only is my body close to cisnormative patriarchal beauty standards in ways unattainable for other people, but it's been that way for maybe longer than I thought.

I've always had a very visual relationship with my dysphoria. It feels like, if I can't see the thing I'm dysphoric about in the moment, then it stops being present in my head. A good example is body hair. I often don't shave as often when it's winter and I'm wearing pants or tights since I can't see, and thereby feel bad about, my body hair. I'd prefer to always be clean shaven, of course. But there's a point where the cost-benefit ratio of shaving my body loses out and it's when I will be actively seeing the dysphoria-inducing thing in question. So this makes the possibility of being a "bdd passoid" feel stronger, after all, BDD is more obsessed with a false perception than anything actual. Maybe my dysphoria was always just that.

But that line of thought ends there, because I am genuinely very happy with my appearance now, in a way where BDD wouldn't seem to apply to me as well. And I mean, of course. "bdd passoids" are usually people who do worry about certain features and the term is just used as a cudgel to be shitty and dismissive of their hurt, to suggest that one's own hurt is more real and therefore valid unlike the passoid's. It's a cruel term like everything else that's come from /tttt/ and its adjacent spaces.

But in my case specifically, it matters that the thing that provokes this feeling is getting concrete measurements. I've always used body measurements as a way to actually track how femme I am, trying to chase a ridiculous cisnormative beauty standard because it's the thing that I thought would bring me some joy. And now that I've gotten quite close to it... It has. And so much of my dysphoria around these things is gone, and goes away every time I do it again. But certain things, my smallness in particular, haven't sunk in yet.

I don't really think my obsession with measurements has been healthy at all. I mean, obviously right? I became so fixated on them because it felt like a calculable way to determine what I'd need to magically pass. The same sort of toxic relationship with my body that spaces like /tttt/ promote, even if I never went there. I've never been quite so bad that I'd measure myself constantly; I only do it when necessary for clothing purchases. But nonetheless it has often been a huge source of both euphoria and dysphoria. Now that I've reached the "good" measurements, it always provokes euphoria. But it also always reminds me that I used to have a body that some would consider already lucky for a trans woman. So why wasn't I satisfied with it? Well, I don't think it was the right body for me. Why should I fixate on if I'm allowed to have felt dysphoric about it. I felt dysphoric regardless, wishing that away won't change anything. And now that I feel euphoric about my body more often than not, why should I believe that it's me being a "bdd passoid" rather than simply a dysphoria about something that just wasn't right for me? Why shouldn't I be allowed to feel this tangled mess of positive and negative emotions when I get a measurement and recognise how far I've come in this tangled mess of a life I've lived? I think that's where I'm at, now. It's a messy feeling that I get, and it's probably not the healthiest thing to feel when being measured. But I also don't think it's so negative as it could be. I'm okay with who I am, both body and mind, even if it took some time to get here. :::

one of the things I'm possibly irrationally happy with myself about is feminizing my sneeze.

I legitimately get angry if I'm around someone and I almost-sneeze-but-then-don't because I feel robbed of the opportunity to show off that I Sneeze Cute now.

no fucking way 💀

>me yesterday

"Women in suits are hot"

>me today

buying a suit

::: spoiler me trying to open up a dialogue with the trans mega What up nerds :::

There's at least three genders Jack

I really appreciate the transfeminist yuri (and yaoi) enjoyers who take the time to both dismantle cisheteropatriarchy (in anime and in general,) and also me know when an anime parallels Utena.

Dorley Hall would be a phenomenal prestige TV drama. Just the twists, dialogue, personal journeys etc.

I'm just not sure how you'd handle pre and post transition characters, time skips etc.

Animation would be one way but then it would probably be less of a hit.

Maybe casting lots of trans actors and using costuming and makeup IDK?

One year ago today I fully realized I’m trans and decided to come out to friends online. 2 weeks later I started HRT. Still not out at work, but I feel like I’ve at least come a long way since last year.

EDIT: That night I was drinking a bit and listening to this over and over to hype myself up: https://youtu.be/yZZA5k4ovxQ

In one episode of an animated batman, the Joker frets about paying the IRS and not wanting to mess with taxes

Does he have a social insurance number??? When he files his taxes, is his name Mr The Joker???

"Researchers at ETH Zurich recently introduced a new method that enables the electromagnetic programming of the wireless expression regulation (EMPOWER) of transgenes in mammals, via the interfacing of nanoparticles and cells."

They found a way to transition the trans genes. Genes gone woke.

I love maths trans mega

we have a transmasc friend with multiple sclerosis and he wants to start T but isnt sure what kind of effects thatll have on the MS... anybody know anything about that? (obvs asked doctors and they said its a bad idea but like we dont trust doctors around here soooo :3)

::: spoiler bad family shit, grief, mental health, sobriety/relapse, dysphoria, venting/rambling idk My dad died

We never really had a good relationship and it kept getting worse due to his alcoholism which eventually led to his death

I don't know how to feel

I always thought it'd be a relief when he passed since he kept getting worse and worse and his health and quality of life and cogency kept plummeting and I kept getting more resentful of how much his decline and addiction put strain on me and my mom (only child) to take care of him even as he made everything as miserable and difficult and tedious as possible but I really don't think I feel anything and it's really odd

My overall mental health is a lot better than it has been at low points before, I've had depressive episodes where I could hardly get out of bed and isolated for years and now I'm healthier and have some close friends again for the first time in years but I feel really... off? Uncanny? I don't know what to call it. Depersonalizing? I feel like I'm not really here?

I'm a recovering alcoholic and have been mostly sober this year but slipped up twice and feel bad about both of the relapses but only one was bad

Feel physically really gross

Just too big, too awkward, always swimming upstream trying to not become a fucking sasquatch due to shit genes and always feeling stubbly and gross

I felt like my skin is made of sandpaper

Idk I guess a silver lining is since I tried to stop drinking I started doing weed a lot more and I've been enjoying music a lot more again which is nice :::

Funny how estrogen would have saved all three Ta'veren in the wheel of time.

Showed my sister a picture of my new haircut an she thought I had a filter on cause my skin looked so nice

There's a bunch of things I really should do tonight (or the last several) but I really don't want to so I think I'm going to compromise and continue to not do it.

Sex and dysphoria:

::: spoiler spoiler I somehow really fucked myself up with bottom dysphoria in the last couple months. It didn't used to be like this, I didn't exactly like having a penis but I was ok with it and could let people touch me and stuff. But idk somehow I got all messed up about it. I guess I don't want anyone to touch my dick under any circumstances now, but I feel like that won't go well. Everyone I've ever been with has been really interested in it. IDK maybe I just need to be celebate and to work harder for bottom surgery. :::

I know I need to get on hormone tests some time (probably soon) but I think I can tell whether my hormone levels are sufficient based on feeling alone. Something funky happened a few weeks ago that dropped my E (and probably increased T), maybe I be hit a blood vessel when injecting, maybe it's just an unavoidable part of switching medication types, but going purely on vibes (by which I mean anxiety levels and horniness) things have gotten back to normal this past week, and I'm strongly convinced that's a result of hormones stabilizing again.

Even if I don't eventually get the physical changes I want from E, I think I'm going to be on it indefinitely, because I despise the feeling that comes with so much T flowing through my blood...

::: spoiler CW: Death (additional CW below) ::: spoiler Specific CW: Suicide Reading about a trans girl killing herself and seeing all the hate in response really is grim. Shit world through and through.

RIP Charlotte :::

::: spoiler obnoxiously positive maybe

Stuff's starting to go good for me ngl, tonight I'm going to the first meeting of the local film club i joined to see a neorealist film made in Germany just a year after the fall of Berlin, so I've been watching some of the other italian neorealist films to get a context for it in advance. at the oxfam i volunteer at i sold like a billion books yesterday and i managed to find a really good quality Wes Anderson artbook with like interviews with him and loads of behind the scenes stuff for just 4 bucks + i saw the new Anderson film the day before in cinemas and loved it. Last week i was at an art museum with a really creative and clever friend and he asked when his first film releases later this year if i want a free ticket to the first screening along with him and all the actors and stuff and im really excited for that, also i got a really cool artbook at the museum about the progression of art in the first half of the 20th century starting with Monet and leading through the major movements until it got to Picasso. Been dressing nicely, taking care of myself, looking nice, really getting into wearing all my different browns and autumnal colours and stuff. Also I injected last night while watching a corbucci cowboy film which was nice. Idk, its feeling like cvnty boymoder twinkhon (positive) summer.

Idk, it feels like I'm being born for the second time, having a road ahead of me and a path to living in womanhood feels so much better than the suffocating limbo i used to be in - also the whole getting super into films (and kind of art in general on the side) thing's been cool af too.

as i logged on my bearsite i saw a new tagline! it was a silly one, completely contextless, no way to know what it means. but this time i was there, in the silly thread when it came to be! i get it! I'm chuffed haha, so here for this.

::: spoiler sad and dysphoria and kinda unhinged Woke up in pain. Thought about hrt more, asking my friend to help me. A bunch of people think I shouldn't though with my living situation. Honestly I don't really think hrt will fix me. I just don't know what else I can do to make it stop. It hurts so bad. Its inescapable.

I remember people here telling me I'm grieving and its normal. But how can I move past it. How can it stop hurting. My life is literally going to be ruined by dysphoria forever. I just want to feel comfortable in my skin again. ::: spoiler sh I want it so bad, I wnat the pain to stop, I can't, I don't want to keep feeling like this. just for a short while. Trying to put it off and dsitract, like fucking always. I hate ths stupid, shitty existance. why do I do this to myself when I don't think i can get back to being okay :::

watching marvel movies in french call that crepe shit

Me awkwardly scratching my cheek because I am so comfortable being a man VS Me being a woman (which I hate)

I’m pushing here for a group reading of Trans Liberation: Beyond Pink or Blue: https://hexbear.net/comment/6194743

It’s a relatively short but good read. Let me know in the thread if you’re interested!

I have a feeling there's not gonna be a book

I want Steve’s Lava Chicken

::: spoiler weight cycling an entire one pound off from my goal weight of 190 lbs and i might have to stop here just shy of the finish line. in addition to losing weight this fast being, well, questionable for my health, I also have dropped in my pants size enough to where I think I'm a size 12 now and wow are my pants real fuckin loose feeling on me now

if i don't cycle back up my pants are gonna fall off :::

i just tripped over and broke my favourite skirt

I am am expert of aura farming.

Had a bit of a bummer day yesterday (nothing major, just went to town despite my friends cancelling their plans for understandable reasons, and ended up a bit bored and lonely), but I had a dream last night where I was clearly and unambiguously a woman. Most of my dreams involve me in a pre-transition state, so that was very nice and affirming to have.

In nursing school and at work we did personality tests, my union paid some organization for their custom 4 colour personality test (which more or less is the DISC model just relabeled). Personality tests, to me, are more about just for fun rather than anything serious.

I dunno if I've talked about it here but I was the sole Red in a sea of Blue and Greens with a smattering of Yellows. At work, same deal - I am still the only lonely Red. Red is the Doninance in DISC. Strong willed, ambitious, dominant, you know that kind of thing. The feedback I've got from my manager is that I need to practice better delegation and not just take over. Why must I be a Red WHYYYY

Injection nervousness is really hitting me hard. I've taken injections so many times. I don't know what happened for me to start freaking out today. If this is a problem tomorrow, I'll be really behind my schedule.

At this point the only thing I can think of is trying to find some oral E (I wonder if I cam get it at the same place as oral B). But in 1 day? Might be tough. I don't even know of a place right away that will give me anything (especially without a prescription).

Probably the only short term fix I have for this problem is to buy some numbing gel.

Finished reading Welcome to Dorley Hall and

::: spoiler Welcome to Dorley Hall spoilers holy shit what do I gotta do to get sent to the all expenses paid forcefem identity erasure dungeon

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_IsiCmI-n0&t=71s

the reference to the Dawkins honey tweet was chef's kiss :::

great book, very excited to start the sequel

The more I hear people gush about it, the more I want to play the french JRPG, but I don't have 50$ to spend on a fucking video game

In hindsight replying to my mother whose asked "I just wanted to make sure you hadn't joined a cult?" With "the only cult is the one I've escaped! The cult of Masculinity which has oppressed women, Cis and trans, for over five thousand years!" Sounds pretty cult-y, even if it's true.

::: spoiler self-deprecating dysphoria humor my face from a high angle:

my face from a low angle: 🗿 :::

Just found out what a teratoma is and now my whole day is ruined

::: spoiler immature sex words funny joke Changing my pronouns on the dating site I'm on to 😩/🍆/🔨 and seeing who responds :::

gender, rgende, ergend, dergen, nderge, enderg, redneg, gredne, egredn, negred, dnegre, ednegr

(gredne)(dergen) = dnegre

(egredn)(egredn) = gender

(dnegre)(rgende) = ednegr

Got back on my anti-depressant. Feeling anti-depressed. Is there a word for that?

just earned my one hour chip from bedwetters anonymous

Yefremov's inferno is real and it's the forces of nature doing all it can to prevent me from transitioning past tomboymoding (someone just suggested I go back to the haircut I had when I was nonbinary)

Had a dream I survived the underworld and gave up a life of fame and fortune just to live with my family. Feel good about my decisionsince I love them dearly

::: spoiler CW food. Meat I ate two tins of tuna just before midnight last night, plus two lunch sizes bags of crisps. I had eaten pretty solidly all day.

I woke up with noticeably bigger breasts. So I listened to my body and it wanted five mcmuffins in different combinations.

Only now do I feel full.

Edit: Okay plus two hashbrowns

Washed down with a black coffee and a sparkling water (a girl has got to make smart choices with her body) :::

The only way I'm able to get any work down is with by opening a youtube video of someone talking AND put on a music playlist at the same time. Feels like severe brainrot behavior.

is it safe to inject estradiol enanthate more frequently than every 7 days? I noticed I feel crappy in the days leading up to an injection day, so I'm thinking of trying the same dose (4mg) every 6 days.

::: spoiler horny You ever just wanna fuck a guy and a lady but not in a poly threesome way, more like hoping for someone who's genderfluid or whatever

Well that's where I'm at :::

just got my one day chip from bedwetters anonymous

Anyone else have the hair type that peaks one or two days after you wash it?

::: spoiler Dorley chapter 32 AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA i knew it was coming but omgggg

Bethany Erin is an adorable name and i'm so fucking happy for her. kinda funny how stock standard Dorley material she is, but that also means she's by far not as alone as she thought she was

oh and Amy, of all people, being the one to make Melissa and Shahida finally kiss was perfect. i really hope Abby reaches out soon though :::

I think Yakuza 0 and the kiwami remakes are a good starting point for people but for the OGs like myself they really give you a full on deep kiss on the mouth and hold you as they look you in the eye calling you sexy for understanding all the sly future references 0 and kiwami onlys will never get it.

::: spoiler weight cycling venting, dysphoria venting i swear to god i ate fucking nothing but 1 real meal yesterday and i still somehow gained like 5 goddamn pounds from it i am fucking screaming here how come weight cycling is so fucking hard get this ugly fucking man gut off my fucking waist i am fucking screaming please just let me feel kind of pretty for fucking once. please let me feel kind of thin. my goals are so modest yet so seemingly unfucking attainable :::

Image is of kycilia from gundam gquuux with her red hair pulled back in a bun, wearing a suit & tie, fingers laced together looking like she's saying something very calculated, with the caption "learn to sit back and observe, not everything needs a reaction."

(This isn't targeted or about anything in particular, i really like this meme format)

Reading This Is How You Lose the Time War and omg it is such a good book, I'll post more thoughts tonight when I'm done (particularly got a lot of thoughts on its themes) but taking a short break so I can eat and I just gotta gush about it a bit

::: spoiler spoilers I love Red and Blue so much. Red has such a sweet naïveté and inexperience that belies a genuine and infectious enthusiasm. I find her utterly adorable. Blue meanwhile is such a fun romantic; eloquent and flirty yet also truly sweet and interested, hungering for that intimacy. While I relate to both, she's the one that feels closer to myself, honestly. Particularly her flirting is very me. Red feels more like someone I'd want to cherish, even if often her naïveté feels close to home.

And gods the prose! It's so good and creative and beautiful. There's been so many descriptions that made my jaw drop as I read them since they were so gorgeously vivid yet brief. Like, to take an example from the first chapter:

"A tremor passes through the soil--do not call it earth. The planet dies. Crickets chirp. Crickets survive, for now, among the crashed ships and broken bodies on this crumbling plain. Silver moss devours steel, and violet flowers choke the dead guns. If the planet lasted long enough, the vines that sprout from the corpses' mouths would grow berries.

It won't, and neither will they." :::

I’m fucking sick of this!

Was playing some kiwami 2 until my ps4 kept overheating so switched to my ps3 to play some yakuza 4. I was a bit of a weinie by not doing the substories for it when I first beat the game so I'm remedying that now and I think they alright so far. What I been doing is considering these games done when I do the Amon fights which unlock when you do all the substories so it give me some repeatability for them. I really want infinite wealth already but I'm broke so it'll have to wait.

Okay, as much as I bragged about being a vein whisperer... I'm actually perfect at doing catheter placements. Biological sex, whatever is going on down there, I can get a foley in. Baby? Got it. I have literally never missed once. I have never curled it in someones foreskin, I have never placed it in the vagina and not the urethra. I do not brag about it because I don't wanna be the foley gal... but I am really really good at it and making it fast and as painless as possible

::: spoiler dysphoria screaming it's 1 am, time to get really existentially dysphoric and scream at the gods in my head again :::

::: spoiler late Dorley Spoilers Raph is... ...my new favourite now WTF :::

The city is planning to update water meters as some cash grab, since if techs deem it too old they'll shut off water until you get a licensed plumber to fix it and the newest houses around here are about 100yo.

Mine hasn't been updated since at least the 70s and ground is still connected to the main. Biggest concern is ending up without electric or water during the upcoming heatwave and I still have to work around crybaby customers who whine even if I smell of icy hot. All sorts of electrical and plumbing are cobbled up in this house.

I can stay with family until it gets fixed but another concern is all my family lives 30min away, and with that commute I will be losing money to go into work and I always close late AF, so more local relatives can't help out.

::: spoiler medical foot

On friday I was like, ya know what? Why do I have calluses on the sides of my big toe? (They've been there for decades,) & have since been down a weekend-long book reading rabbit hole about body alignment and movement. Suddenly yearning for the first decade where I spent literally all day spring-fall barefoot running across rocks, swimming, climbing, etc. :::

Getting less comments on the fanfic that I like writing more compared to the one with longer chapters

Won't link it bc idk if that's doxxing or not