hi, does anyone wanna make the mega in the upcoming weeks? if so, reply to this post and i'll add you to the list!

the list as it stands:

yewler* (5/26 - 6/1)
AshenWolf* (6/2 - 6/8)
PeeNutButtHer (6/9 - 6/15)
oscardejarjayes* (6/16 - 6/22)
GayTuckerCarlson* (6/23 - 6/29)
Eco* (6/30 - 7/6)
Disaster_of_Passion (7/7 - 7/13)
sodium_nitride (7/14 - 7/20)
peanutbuttercupola* (7/21 - 7/27)
BountifulEggnog* (7/28 - 8/3)

​ * after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters

So, my gal pal dug up this lesbian magazine from Weimar era Germany called Die Freundin ("the girl friend" or "the gal pal"). And it turns out it was trans inclusive and had articles written by trans women advocating for their liberation. The classified section had ads were women were looking for maid training or a puppygirl.

This was published in 1926.

THEY TOOK THIS FROM YOU

Trans megas are such a wholesome window into the lives of people who aren’t very different from me. I’ve been socially isolated most of my life and have serious issues with not feeling connected to people, so reading updates about people’s lives like this is very helpful and makes me feel at least a little more connected to others. Just wanted to say thanks for that.

Got invited to the final stage of the interview for the trans clinic job (it's because of woke and DEI obviously)

This interview is with the person who'd actually be my boss, but I already interviewed the person who serves as her boss specifically.

Let's hope this goes well 😬

Sometimes people joke about trans affirming misogyny and I had that happen to me today and it still fucking sucked.

I was talking to someone in a professional capacity where at the barest minimum I was an equal peer in the field, and in some areas probably more experienced and essentially a guest presenting on my specific subject matter.

And I'm thinking "why is this old guy being so condescending, disrespectful and just outright critical? This has never happened before...oh...fuck you"

A friend who I only hung out with when around my other, closer, friends is crashing out over me because I'm a "tankie" and because of a 6 year age gap with my new partner (proof that I am a goomer). In reality. Not online. This shit can't be real... Please God, destroy twitter. I'm begging you.

This is a super dumb question but does anyone know when I’m ‘allowed’ to start using he/they pronouns? Literally I have thought about using them solely out of a sense of curiosity and how I mesh with it, and I am not dysphoric about being a man.

Recently I met this masc leaning non-binary person I really vibe with and I can’t help but think “maybe I might have he/they as a better fit” but I don’t want to overstep any boundaries.

hahah whoopsie. i might have accidentally gave some signals i didn't mean to to a friend of mine i'm not into and i think she just asked me out hahaha oh fuck

It's me, your mom. Don't forget to take your meds, sit up straight, eat your breakfast, stay hydrated, and brush your hair

down with cis

been stuck with this omnipresent anxiety over the last several months that something unimaginably bad is going to happen very soon now and I don't know what but I can't shake it

something bad and something global. idk what. national being trans ban? massive disease outbreak that makes covid look like the sniffles? super deadly heat wave? idk what but something very bad is going to happen very soon that will ruin or end my life and idk what anymore

It kinda crept up on me since it's probably a change that's happened over many months, but my waist is kinda snatched now. Last spring I didn't like the idea of wearing anything cropped because I thought it made me look a bit boxy and shapeless, but I've gone from disliking it to becoming more ambivalent last fall, and now I'm at a point where I think shorter tops look great on me Estrogen my beloved.

Of course the person who unblurred captain disillusions number challenge thingy was a trans catgirl lol

They might as well make a tier for the trans catgirls to compete in and everyone else can compete in the second place tier

I wish my existence wasn’t seen as an act of aggression against women

f-f-f-friday rice

A trans guy named Guy

New girl I just invented:

Going to the lesbian bar holding a collar with a bell on it and shaking it to attract local petgirls in need

T-Shirt ideas from this morning:

My body is a machine that turns noodles into breasts

I'm here to eat to eat noodles and grow breasts and I've eaten my noodles.

I ❤️ Noodles (and growing breasts)

::: spoiler weight cycling Going back to eating healthy and at a deficit is such a bummer after eating pizzacandy all week. :::

thank you for posting this gay ass thread

up with trans

Feeling kind of overdressed going to the grocery store in my ILA cosplay.

Since transitioning cishet men have been acting weirder to me (except Noodle man who is an ally).

But cis women have been way nicer. Which I consider an absolute win.

Small touches on the arm in conversation, smiling small talk, and even walking closely past me rather than the 2m berth I'm now giving strange men.

::: spoiler horny i bought stuff from torrid.com and now they're sending me advertisement emails with thicc girlies on them and... it's just really nice tbh :::

Unfortunately, some of the site taglines aren't funny. They just make me go

Putting on my big girl pants and booking therapy with a trans therapist (which I'm obviously very grateful to have the privilege to access and afford such as thing)

::: spoiler CW Misgendering my old self for a bad joke Men will literally transition their gender before going to therapy. :::

Nocturne in Black and Gold - The Falling Rocket - James McNeill Whistler, 1877

::: spoiler sad nursing school baby harm stuff You know, I remember in nursing school the way room got quiet when we talked about pregnant mothers who still use drugs. Most people in post secondary haven't encountered poverty or addiction or mental health, or mightve seen a loose sanitized version.

I remember my own quiet gasp when I saw cancer medications had sections for transfer through breast feeding and placental barrier. Mustve been similar - for me, how cruel can the universe be to not give an expecting or new mom just a little while longer to be healthy. It just didnt enter how I comcieve of the universe even though I already knew it could be cruel and arbitrary. For them... for them, I dunno, some similar emotion... the collision between abstract and oh shit :::

Down with cisheteropatriarchy

Just wanted to let everyone know I'm a wienie uwu

::: spoiler I made Friday Pasta jk could you imagine!? :::

planted a berry bush today

Trans women are forced into unfair gender expectations, like being the terminally online one in the relationship.

5 more pounds and I'll hit my cycling down goal weight of 190!

I have a profile pic now.

Read 'My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness' and 'My Solo Exchange Diary' and there were so many moments. I've had a vastly different life experience from the author and yet everything hits me emotionally so hard.

Coming to realize other people's struggles has kinda put into perspective that I'm not alone in my struggles of depression, and that even though it'd a long journey toward improvement, it still gets better. Just kinda forcing me to recognize that overcoming the struggles of depression is a long journey of ups and downs, but that in the end the trend line of happiness goes up over time.

Also forcing me to apply the kindness I do onto other to myself, of seeing myself and my struggles in such a close way to the author and it kinda clicking that I need to apply the kindness I do onto others to myself.

Like with these books, there were so many times of me recognizing the struggles of the author and seeing her overcome them, even with how cathartic it was, and then realizing how much that struggle to overcome depression and its eventual slow results applies to me too. These books have pushed me to try and be nicer to myself, even though its cathartic. Shit gets better, even though it may not feel like it in the moment.

::: spoiler sex Also the wanting to hire a prostitute but the main factor missing was not having a feeling of acceptance, of being loved. Just kinda a shock to see a similar process in myself through having to overcome the societal pressure of always seeing sex as bad and to never be talked about, along with a similar feeling I've felt of the primary factor of a sexual experience being the longingness for love and touch, to no longer experience this chronic loneliness, to be supported out of the hole of depression. Shit hits way closer to home than I ever expected coming to read this book. :::

Trainsgender

Today, I spent extra time getting my hair as nicely as possible, and while holding my hair dryer against my head for 30 minutes was pretty boring, the end result were 100% worth the effort.

So I needed to go the pharmacy to get my meds, but when I stepped outside I noticed... It’s windy as fuck. My cute curls were getting thrashed all around and I thought: "Welp, I guess all that effort was in vain. Going to be another bird’s nest day."

First thing the pharmacist said: "Hi, you have very beautiful hair."

And she wasn’t wrong. While they did get a bit messy, my curls still looked great. So heck, yeah! Gel-pilled girl keeps on winning.

It's my first measles kid today

Even stupider, they had a stem cell transplant which normally obligates them to get vaccinated after but apparently they were able to wiggle their way out if that.

Can't imagine the mental world and logic where you'd get IVIG, stem cell transplants, all these medications and procedures but skip out on a vaccination

::: spoiler sad Been crying on and off all night because I want people to see me and think of me as a woman ::: spoiler kinda related The guy friend I've been out to for a while and talk on VC with basically told me he still thinks of me as a guy a few days back and I keep thinking about it. I mean, kinda of course he does, haven't voice trained at all or anything but still... He's been supportive and stuff but idk. Just sad. More crying I think. :::

Want to go to a local trans event but there is a trans woman who hates me that frequents there, such a pain in the ass to find irl social spaces to make friends

What kinda shit are these clothing companies on? Like the jeans I bought a year ago and need a bigger size in no longer exist, and now I can only buy either the worlds baggiest jeans or the worlds skinniest

My brain: "Oh, you need to clean your nose? Look at the tissue that you just used to wipe the chili juice off your hands. That would be perfect for that."

Me: "Great idea! You’re so damn smart."

Me, a few seconds later:

Slept in for the first time in a long time

Wish I could say I feel super rested and great but I'm just kinda groggy but I still probably needed it to make up a little of my bad long term sleep deficit

i have entered the point of my transition to where u get misgendered because i'm clockable by shitty transphobes and not because i genuinely don't pass at all. I guess this is progress but woe okay fuck that guy

kids these days need to stop playing starfield and need to start reading garfield

trying a new source for estrogen, hopefully it's a little more expedient than the old one

::: spoiler sadposting about dysphoria at midnight I remember high school being an extremely difficult time for me because although i was absolutely drowning in the dysphoria, I hadn't the single faintest clue what that emotion was. All I knew was that it stung in a way that I could never even imagine something could hurt me

years later in the future I can look back and see just what that poor, sad egg was thinking and it's both touching and painful to look back on those memories with the confusion lifted. What that girl was feeling was intense, acute dysphoria and had no idea

sometimes the memories just flood back out of nowhere when a simple little thing triggers that memory again. Even just an ASMRtist i enjoyed listening to years ago brings some of the memories back because i thought she was so pretty and it hurt and i didn't know why

i can't really bring myself to even watch her content anymore :::

One of those nights I'm glad to be able to come home and cuddle a plush

100 femboys vs me

i found the wokest manga

Love Me For Who I Am (Torrent Link) (the translation on mangadex sucks)

it's not very deep. it's clearly for a japanese audience, because they explain what LGBT stands for. but I appreciate something that's so direct about it for once

i can't get over this photo why is she doing that

my gender feels a little weird because though I feel like a binary trans woman with no doubt, I still feel like my gender has... idk how else to put it but "taster's notes" of maleness in there somewhere. Like I'm clearly a girl but there's a fairly noticable air of maleness in me like that coffee has taster's notes of raspberry. I joke around saying that I'm actually about 7% male which feel accurate

::: spoiler I feel like I'm crashing out 🫠 (CW for SA, horny, unhinged rambling)

About a month ago I switched from prescribed estradiol patches to DIY injections. This didn't happen purely on a whim, the clinic I get my prescription from abruptly canceled GAC for all patients, even adults, right after I picked up my last prescription. They did reverse this decision pretty quickly, but at the time (and a bit before it happened, and even now) I had in my mind that I couldn't and shouldn't rely on institutional channels to get HRT because of the people currently in charge of the US federal government. So luckily I bought a bit of DIY injectable estradiol and injection supplies in time before my prescription ran out. I was on patches for about 3 months up to this point.

As I said, I switched about 3, almost 4 weeks ago, and things were fine for the first, let's say 2.5 weeks. I felt about the same as I did on patches, maybe even a bit better. But about a week ago I noticed my libido, which had been pretty low on patches, started to increase. Initially I though it was just the "girl horny" that comes with being on estradiol, that maybe it could even be a sign that injections really are better than patches. But it's persisted over a week later, and I feel like it's fucked with my mental/emotional state much more than being on all natural home grown T for decades did. No matter how much I try to "satisfy" the urges it's always there in the background. And for better or worse being like this for such an extended period unearthed old trauma. One thing I'll say is that chest pain is mostly gone, which I think means it's lower?

::: spoiler CW for SA I've never told anyone this until now, but I was sexually abused repeatedly at a young age. I won't get into details since it's not important, but even though the thought of it has come up at other points in my life, for the first time I realized how deeply it has affected how I relate to other people and how I view myself. I've always been extremely secretive and guarded. I don't remember ever fully trusting anyone, and I think it's one of the big reasons I repressed myself for so long, having to prove to myself and others that it didn't affect me (it did) and that I'm just a Normal Boy who would grow up to be a Normal Man. When my egg first cracked a yearish ago, part of why I wanted to transition is that I realized that there's nothing I want more than to be comfortable enough with myself to be open enough to have sexual relationships. I had romantic partners when I was younger, but I've never been able to bring myself to initiate anything sexual. For a while I thought that transitioning would help, and while it might be a factor, it's not the biggest obstacle.

I also realized I've been carrying a sense of guilt over it this whole time, from not doing anything to stop it. It only ended when someone else they were abusing reported them.

(borderline ableism CW?) Lately I've been reading a novel where one of the characters gets SA'd, and the narrator explains that part of why it happened is that the abuser perceived the victim as "slow" (to put it politely, the author uses a more colloquial word 😬), and now I'm wondering if other people perceive me that way, and maybe that's why it happened to me. Or maybe I didn't say anything because on some level I liked it.

On a third note, I feel a sense of survivor's guilt about it? Like it wasn't as bad as some of the other SA stories I've heard over the years, so it's pathetic for me to feel this fucked up about it decades later.

So I guess the most straightforward solution would be to go get my hormones levels tested, maybe get back on prescription, and to get a mental health therapist specializing in the stuff I'm dealing with. Unfortunately I currently don't have health insurance (or any income tbh - I have a decent amount of savings but I'd like to slow the rate of burning through it as much as I can since I don't know when I can get a job again) so I don't think I'll be able to easily justify these costs. Typing it out just now makes me realize how fucked up this rationalization sounds but what can I say, This Is America. I can maybe justify paying out of pocket to get hormone levels tested at some point, but I'd like to wait at least a few weeks more since from what I know, it's typical for hormone levels to dip for a bit when switching medication types. I want to space out healthcare spending as much as I can, since out of pocket costs can run into the hundreds per visit. Therapy to me is a messier subject, since to my knowledge it's very hit or miss.

I just don't know what to do or where I'm going with any of this only thing I know is I'm fucked up 🙃 :::

I was looking at the schematic for 410bdf's diy electrolysis thing and she used an LTC6993 pulse generator

it just tickled my brain for a few seconds

How do normal people keep knee/thigh socks from falling down constantly?
They weren’t even supposed to be knee/thigh length my legs are just short.

::: spoiler (cw parents stuff) Had lunch with my father for the first time in a few months. Normally I'm fine with it, but for some reason today I've just been completely crashed out ever since getting back home. I was kinda tense the whole time expecting him to comment on my haircut since he and mother would always insult my long hair and insist on how it should be shorter. But he just, didn't. Even though my hair is quite a bit shorter now. I wasn't expecting it to be positive since they used to complain about my hair when it was this length too, but I was expecting something. So I still feel tense, like he definitely thought something, but I don't know.

But it also feels so dumb that this of all things made me crash. Like this is such a small thing, it was a 30 minute lunch, the conversation was nice, I was glad to see him since despite everything I do still care for him. Hell it was the first time I spoke with someone in-person outside of a work context in over a month. It should have been okay. But instead of being able to just feel okay about it I've been exhausted and tense about some bullshit that I definitely know the answer to already all day. It just feels discouraging. But discouraging also feels like too strong a word for something so tiny. I should be better than this. I should be past this by now. So why..

I have been able to feel a bit better at least, I put on one of my dresses and it has really helped, as usual. Just wearing something that makes me happy for a bit even if I'm just lying in bed barely able to do anything. Was browsing dresses earlier too, though that ended out making me feel a little worse when I found one that is perfect for me but too far out of my current budget.. But there'll be other dresses. I might wear my first one tomorrow, it usually helps me feel better. Assuming I have time after all the chores I put off today, at least :::

Boulevard Montmartre at Night - Camille Pissarro, 1897

been growing out my nails for a little while and took my first shot at shaping them on my own last night and I think it went really well! There's some mild symmetry issues on a couple and one I accidentally ended up filing down a little shorter than the rest, but I don't think anyone other than me would really notice and I think it's really good for my first time ever.

hoping to have the time / energy over the next couple of days to paint them - it's maybe a little silly but I have a dr's apt this weekend and I kinda wanna have my nails pretty before then

China

new mega

I'm very sleepy and going to bed

Yesterday I was picking up some dry cleaning for my partner. The woman behind the desk was my age and somewhat alternative? scene kid? Something? We had a short but friendly conversation and then as I left she came running out after me. She asked if I had left my phone there holding up a smart phone. I flashed my phone and said something like "thanks heaps but I've got mine" and she said "oh it must have been other woman who was in here in this morning". She turned and went back in.

And again I was stun locked by correct gender-ing by a stranger. Also it occurs to me it might have been flirting? If so she's smooth AF.

::: spoiler anxiety/worries of transphobia Going with my partner to a birthday party for their friend. Kinda nervous. Most of this friend group (of theirs) is cis guys, but some of the friends' girlfriends will also likely come. I don't really care about the opinions of male strangers, but I am kinda freaking out a bit about with a fear of getting excluded/misgendered by the other women. I put together a cute/fun outfit and I know that my partner will support me regardless but I am still nervous. :::

I love being a queer loser, nothing else I rather be to be honest

Good news: I'm finally getting the feeling back in the spots that were still numb

Bad news: One of those spots is in my nose and I'm not really supposed to itch it and I don't want to anyway because I don't want to look like I'm picking my nose

I've been lurking for a while and am just now feeling confident enough to start commenting and posting more. Currently feeling embarrassed about not knowing how to use the hexbear emotes, can anyone explain how?!

catgirl-cry :catgirl-cry:

comcatgirl-cry :comcatgirl-cry:

I have no idea what I'm doing T.T

Sometimes it weirds me out that I live in Britain now.

Starry Night Over the Rhone - Van Gogh, 1888

This dude commented finally on my painted nails in class, no judgement from him other than I should probably repaint them soon just been so tired these past days that I can't do much. Also pog on no mean comments, think it's just a bit hard being mean to someone face to face. Women usually are nice to me about my presentation so to get encouragement from dudes too feels nice

Debating whether I should make a Facebook to keep in touch with my family, but idk if I want to potentially be jumpscared by old pictures of myself.

Does anyone have advice or resources for an androgynous/mixed sex characteristics looking nonbinary person with autism and other disabilities in finding work ? I'm trying to leave a bad living situation so I can make more progress on my transition goals and become more independent. I can move in with my partner very soon but I have to contribute to the household expenses. I have some skills from my undergrad degree and also art hobbies but I've struggled to thrive anywhere for long...

::: spoiler dysphoria, crappy mental health Spent like an hour and a half shaving and still feel disgusting

It's never gonna be enough to make it okay until I get full laser and that doesn't seem anywhere near obtainable from here and I just feel fucking terrible and despondent

My brain's bad today

I wanna cry and can't

I need to figure out a good hair removal and skincare routine, I feel so gross and dejected by how much effort it takes for such a mediocre outcome :::

I filled out a rental application yesterday and one of the questions was "if you came under financial difficulty, do you know someone who would be willing to loan you the money so you can still pay rent?" My jaw hit the floor. Is this a common question? I've only ever rented once.

Just had a date with a really hot trans woman and

::: spoiler cw sex Is there any weird things that you find attractive? I don't mean "ew gross weird" but just like "how do you even find that attractive" weird. Because for me it is totally backs. It's definitely my funniest fetish because backs are just backs but like... damn... a bare back... especially if there's tattoos goddamn :::

The Amazon Meme Skirt finally arrived. It seems pretty cheap. I get why it was like £8.

the realisation that i own not one but two barenaked ladies albums is depressing

I love getting specific lines from songs stuck in my head. It's like artsy stimming.

Does anyone have any lyrics floating around their head right now?

Twirling a huge spanner wrench femininely 🔧

@AntifaSuperWombat@hexbear.net good call on perma-sharp, my face is so smooth! I will continue trying others, but I wanted to start with your top rec and this is already way nicer and more comfy than those derbies ever were. Thank you!!

Weather’s bad

I feel depressed

I really like those hats that are like... princess cone hats, but doubled so its kinda maleficent-like. Also the kinda jester hat depicted in pop culture, like Harle from chrono cross or the Nights into Dreams character. Sometimes I see people wearing hats that are like a crossover of the double princess / jester hat. I think they look so cool. 🤩

::: spoiler very late Dorley Spoilers I would have never at the start thought Diana would be one of my favourite characters. :::

Misc shower thoughts:

::: spoiler complaining about social expectations I was talking with my therapist about who I've come out to, and he strongly encouraged me to come out to my irl guy friend. Which I want to do any way (meant to last week, hopefully tomorrow [actually going to message him and let him know after this]). But he then said something, essentially that it would be a bad look to only tell her and keep it from him (they are in a relationship). And I agree, but was thinking about it and its kinda bs. Like if I was a cis woman no one would expect me to tell her bf anything personal. idk just a thing. :::

How do you/should I exfoliate? I tried a sugar scrub today and liked it but didn't know if there was some other/better way to do it I guess.

Also my razor is dragging on my skin, not gliding like it used to. This means its dull and I should get a new one, right? I wasn't taught anything

Had the authentic girlfriend experience at my partner's friends birthday party.

::: spoiler spoiler Watched people playing a clusterfuck game of Commander (MtG) that was fortunately ended due to the arrival of new guests and folks being too drunk to keep track of things.

:::

pee poo

Is it true that you can see colors and stuff in the milky way if you're somewhere without light pollution? That seems so cool, I wish I could do that, but I'm also too cowardly to travel to somewhere completely dark at night.

::: spoiler sick animal, possibility of euthanasia Family cat has got terminal kidney disease, she's pretty old just under 20. It's technically my brothers cat, he got it when he was a teenager so as you might imagine it actually became my mom's cat cause he did about the level of care expected of a teenager thar demands a pet but is quite bad at keeping up chores. Then she became my sisters cat when she was grown up - and then back to my mom when sister went abroad to study. Now I'm watching this cat.

The cats feeling better after being pretty badly dehydrated. Ive just been giving some oral rehydration solution that's more or less the same as people get. But there will likely be no longer term recovery and we've got to talk tonight about options.

The vet (me too) think a short course of IV rehydration would be best along with a low protein diet and a special med that helps out kidneys in this kind of damage - but it's expensive, like >$1K which no one in the family has to drop on a cat this old. Another option is SQ hydration which will likely not be nearly as effective, but I'm comfortable doing, along with a little PO rehydration which I'm doing right now anyway - it's significantly cheaper, just $50 for the supplies. Third option is euthanasia soon - this is a terminal condition and it will be the thing that kills her one way or another, what we'd like is quality life until sis is back from abroad but none of us have a spare $1K around and it's hard to say if she'll live that long even with the "premium" IV rehydration. Fourth option isn't really a choice but I guess we could gamble on PO rehydration until she gets sicker and sicker and then someone decides it's enough and we euthanize or she passes on her own.

Shes also pretty constipated (due to the dehydration), vet thinks lactulose/bisacodyl/?PEG or whatever could help but the degree of firmness suggests she may need an enema and then removal for which she'd have to be put under anesthesia - which she may not survive given her state of health and age. I think we're good trying some lactulose at home and seeing what happens after a day or two.

I paid for the bloodwork, pretty expensive. $400 yeesh. :::

I got the gloom folks

::: spoiler I eat nails for breakfast without any milk :::

I'm cursed that whenever I hear someone's name is Nina, I start singing "the Nina, the pinta, the Santa Maria" and then the rest of the lyrics from Sleep Now In the Fire by RATM until the guitar kicks in.

I obviously take big issue with mirrors but seeing my hair down on my shoulders is really nice.

Chat, what do I do? My dad sent me a three minute voicemail and I'm scared to open it, what if it's just him yelling at me? But I don't want to miss it if it's something nice

watching college softball

it's South Carolina vs UCLA

camera cuts to the crowd

South Carolina player's mom wearing a hat that just says COCKS

snort coffee out my nose

Excellent mega topic and all of these are things I need to check out

Does anybody else overuse the watch later feature on youtube? I add a lot of videos I don't have time to watch from my subscriptions and recommended. It's sort of a compulsion, like I have to add it or otherwise I'll forget about it even if it's a video I don't care that much about. Then I spend too much of my free time watching from my watch later list.

But I'm getting better at it, and lately I try not to add videos from my subscriptions and a lot of the time I have no videos on my watch later list. I can watch YouTube more normally now and have more time for movies and TV shows.

If this sounds weird, it's because it is, but I'm still proud of myself.

My manager does this thing where she just doesn't accept my shift applications if she wants to talk to me about it. Fine, but it'd be nice if you'd just message me about it (or respond to my message). I'd really like to stay late, both the people on that shift don't want to work it, why won't you just give it to me. I guess hopefully she's there in the morning to explain. I'm going to be really pissed if this ends up meaning I can't work those hours.

Looked at the site outside the trans mega and immediately remembered by why I left, this shit ain't helping me. See y'all, wish y'all luck

rambling ::: spoiler spoiler ___ my brain feels like it's broken . I keep reading articles from therapy service websites just to make myself more angry. more than 3 years of therapy yet I feel worse. I don't even want suggestions from mental health 'professionals' since I know it's the same bullshit Abt 'loving your body'. :::

i don't know why i find it so hard to post here (or anywhere?), maybe imposter syndrome or something. i really do want to though - there's so much shit i want to yap about - so i'll try not to think about it so seriously

::: spoiler literally me everytime (Welcome to Dorley Hall spoilers)

and thanks for the rec @XiaCobolt@hexbear.net! i'm halfway through book 2 and so insanely dorleypilled :::

Wore big dangling earrings for the first time yesterday and felt very gender but also oof, owie my earlobes hurt and my piercings are definitely not healed enough for those yet.

I might be reading it too much but I'm convinced the disco song "I'm gonna make her mine" in yakuza 0 is basically Majima's song despite it showing up in kiryu's substories. Real sad song and somewhat mirros Majima's story in that game

Current Rizz levels off the charts so far this week I've changed my underwear daily and showered daily , career training told us we should set relationships aside for now as we focus on developing our skills guess our biggest challenges come to us when everything seems so easy.

uuuuugh I'm a full 2 inches shorter than I was this sucks

::: spoiler baby fever Once again thinking about having kids, specifically this time imagining teaching one of them how to paint, slowly guiding them through it, watching as their eyes light up with excitement when they're almost done the painting, being excited with them when their painting becomes better than anything I can do, seeing them create things I could never have imagined, seeing the paintings over the years slowly start to create an image of them that is unmistakable and beautiful.. :::

I'm finally early for once.

The weekly kagurabachi chapters are the one true shining light in my stagnant darkness covered life

my superpower is finding at least half filled lighters in the park

::: spoiler tired rambly worthless depression posting I am so tired. I am tired of all of this. I'm tired of thinking about transition, and worrying about social things. About what I am and am not going to be able to do. How long, or if, I'll get to a place I'm happy with. Doing all the little maintenance bullshit like shaving and taking care of my hair. I know it sounds small but its exhausting. Thinking about full time employment, and where that will be, how I'll get there, and that I am going to end up being a very visible trans woman. Its constant. I am constantly thinking about all of it and I can't stop it. I can't be happy without these things. Why did this have to happen to me.

I can't. I need a break. Or a do over. Or something.

what am I even doing this shit for. what is the "end game" I'm going to get. I just want to sink into my bed and not come back. I hate this. :::

I tried to join the matrix server but it won't work

edit: never mind i didn't do anything different but it suddenly worked

While attempting to overclock I have become stuck in a BIOS loop. Do I just have to reinstall windows?

Ever since I've been tracking my dreams, there's a bunch of recurring themes or scenarios and most of em make sense. I still have a lot of dreams about my ex, no surprises we were together a long time. I have a lot of dreams about my teeth falling out which is apparently pretty common. I have to build stuff a lot, a house, a shed, a church. Whatever. I have work dreams where I'm nursing.

One I wasn't expecting was I apparently have to evade law enforcement quite often and I do it by transforming into different animals. Sometimes the "crime" is just being able to shape change. Sometimes I'm accused of something I didn't do. Once I did do the thing but I felt morally justified even if the act was illegal. Anyway, I would've had no idea my subconscious is apparently really hung up on turning into different animals and getting chased by the cops

And it's not like cool animals, it's like earthworm, flies, tree snake, moles, crow, albatross you know stuff that'd let you hide or fly away

Starting to think that maybe, just maybe, people might think I'm cool and independent and helpful. But nah that's ridiculous, I'm just a dork with 20 hobbies

I'm such a failure had this scuffed nails on for so long that even the cishet dudes mention I should probably fix them by now

My time spent on the xhs app influenced me to make reeally strong ginger tea; with apples, oranges, & orange zest.

i know that Girl, so confusing isn't literally about it being confusing to be a girl but also, i listened to brat right as i realised i was one. so of course whenever i hear that song, all i can think of is my little eggy self belting her heart out to that shit

Being xenogender is so cool, also mine is self coined so its very identifiable lol.

dunno how I still manage to forget to take my meds some days - got three friggin' alarms named like "Take Your Meds," "Make Sure You Took Your Meds," and "REALLY MAKE SURE YOU TOOK YOUR MEDS" in the morning and ya girl still manages to forget and sit around wondering why kit feels awful all fuckin day

::: spoiler preparation of food and storing it I made much soup, probably 2 gallons of hot an sour and 2 gallons of sopitas de conchitas (I put the soups in bags and the freezer , smash off pieces and reheat) :::

Since going back to work I have noticed it, and the prep stuff for it, have eaten up damn near all my spoons. This is such garbage. I have other things I need to do, to take care of, and I've been neglecting it. I'm not even full time. idk how to do this. When will I get like an adult amount of spoons

Also my two year lucky streak got broken, finally got an actual emergency. A seizure from someone with a seizure disorder, no further complications or anything. Pretty much the easiest thing it could have been. Shook me up at the time but now I'm just so fucking tired.

Spent 25 minutes searching for my keys when they were already in my purse

i just finished reading Secrets of Dorley Hall before realising that there's a shit tonne more chapters on ao3

::: spoiler muh thoughts on the first two Dorley books (spoilers) fyi i'm a terrible reader, Nevada was the first book i've read in years and even then i only listened to the audiobook. for Dorley though, i've been borrowing my partner's eReader and the writing has kept me hooked the entire time. i've certainly tried to read other novels previously - i think the last one i managed was The Hobbit back in HS - but i care so much for this story that it's been keeping me up until 3am every single night

i don't have much to write about book 1 but it was incredibly captivating. i'm a bit embarrassed for initially shipping Steph and Chrstine but Paige hadn't been introduced yet and they were literally the first two characters we see kiss (i got ahead of myself).

the moment where the whole lie comes undone at the end of book 1 is incredibly cathartic. these girls are fucking terrible liars and, since Bea isn't a total bitch, there aren't any serious consequences to the whole endeavour. Christine doesn't have to lie to Paige, Pippa and Steph can be the sisters they both need, everyone at Dorley can feel a little bit better about force-femming boys since they now have their "first walk-in!" Steph's now able to be open about her struggles to the older Dorley girls and given her own room where she can experiment with make-up, clothes, and voice training ahead of schedule. this allows her to finally admit to herself that yes, she is indeed a girl. and that no, she does not need someone else's permission to claim that.

a lot goes down in the second book, my favourite being Steph and Aaron's budding romance. Melissa's backstory was tragic as fuck and deserves all those CWs included at the beginning. it's heartbreaking to know that hers is the story of so many struggling trans kids (minus being wisped away and offered free estrogen) and by the end i was just left so fucking angry at the bullshit medical system that could have done literally anything to help her. oh and that ending was unbelievable, i have no idea where all that's going to go but i'm very excited to find out.

overall - i'm so fucking dorleypilled lmao. i wish could live in a house full of dysfunctional but caring trans(-adjacent)fems, mentors(/kidnappers), and ironic mugs that make guests uncomfortable. there's a lot personal shit this brought out but i'll save that for another another time, i mainly just wanted to say that i love this story so goddamn much...

this was one of my favourite bits:

One night, a woman had a dream. She dreamed she was walking along the beach with her auntie. Across the sky flashed scenes from the last several months of her life, and for each scene, she noticed two sets of footprints in the sand; one belonged to her, and the other to her auntie.

When the last scene flashed before her, she looked back at the footprints in the sand, and noticed that many times along the path of her life there was only one set of footprints. In the lowest and most difficult parts of her life, it seemed, she walked alone.

“Auntie,” she said, “you said that once I came to you, you’d walk with me all the way. But when I look back at my life, I see that you left me to face my greatest hardships alone.”

“My precious child,” her auntie replied, “I love you and would never leave you. When you see but one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.”

“Thank you, auntie,” the woman said, looking back again and deriving great comfort from the view, until she saw something in the distance, just before the longest stretch of solo footprints. Puzzled, she asked, “Auntie? What are those little lumps in the sand back there?”

“Oh,” her auntie replied, “those are your balls. Sorry about that.” :::

Saw a pic of me from last year, hope my hair improves as much this next year

Well work was enlightening the other day, I learned everyone, or at least at my workplace, dissociates in/at a/this shitty job, that makes me feel so much better. Also on reflection I realize life has been challenging with so many close calls I'm lucky to even be alive, that also strangely makes me feel better.

My mom figured out I think the pointyhat guy is very handsome. I've only drooled over a guy ONCE when she was with me while driving to my tracheal shave, which was embarassing as fuck because the lady in the car over pointed out she saw me checking him out

I've talked about crushes when I was young or when I met someone I wanted to date. Never brought a boy home though, but I do remember teenage egg me being reassured "oh it's okay if you're gay, you can tell me"

People always seem horrified or act like I'm telling a joke when I tell them my age. What's the problem I made a pact with Satan in the middle ages to look 20 forever

Wear sunscreen

Hanging out with manly dudes doing manly things like getting osha certs was fun today. It was a bit of a bummer how many times it had to be repeated to us not to cat call the staff at the training center, don't think none of us done it but previous classes they've kick people out for it rightly so. Right now it seems everyone is just nose to the grind stone trying to get everything done, hope it stays that way at least for me it will. I couldn't really lie too much about myself in the intro but I kept it chill.

There was originally a box when applying for nb but I kind of chickened out and didn't mark it. Part of me was worried I'd get rejected or something. Maybe I should have but I'd like to get through this and find a job afterwards.

Why do I keep doing this (staying up deadass late in this case the past few days mainly reading manga or granted some other rabbitholes like learning more about BPD). Anyways I'll get caught up with some people more uh... yeah working on it o7

would have just taken the damned shattered shackle if i knew i'd be getting boons like these

Hanging out with dudes all week has been alright, I usually hang out with women and nb folk tho mostly online (that still counts) so this a new but welcome thing. Thinking that it's alright for me to mess around with gender more, sick painted nails drinking out of a fruity ass coffee mug, sitting queer etc. I admit it's probably because how charming I am I can get away with how I present but a lot of it is just people get to know me. Either way dudes be rocking