hi, does anyone wanna make the mega in the upcoming weeks? if so, reply to this post and i'll add you to the list!

the list as it stands:

SadArtemis* (5/19 - 5/25)
yewler* (5/26 - 6/1)
AshenWolf* (6/2 - 6/8)
PeeNutButtHer (6/9 - 6/15)
oscardejarjayes* (6/16 - 6/22)
GayTuckerCarlson* (6/23 - 6/29)
Eco* (6/30 - 7/6)
Disaster_of_Passion (7/7 - 7/13)
peanutbuttercupola* (7/14 - 7/20)
BountifulEggnog* (7/21 - 7/27)

​ * after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters

I got approved for bottom surgery!!!!

Apparently my partner's queer org got kicked from their original space due to being too anti-genocide and pro-trans that it made the libs who owned that space lib out.

Came out to all of my friends today, they all knew me as a trans nb they/them

Now they know me as a woman

When random people I don’t know well bring up trans rights stuff while talking to me I’m always a bit suspicious that they clocked me and that that’s why they brought it up.

update

Came out to her. She is accepting. Talked about it a little bit. I didn't tell her my name though. Don't know why. But yea, went well and I feel good about that. Its nice not feeling so alone.

Was I always a woman? Did I become one?

The secret is my pre-transition gender is whichever is funnier for the joke I'm making right now.

Injection time

I was leaving the bathroom as some guy was going in and he had to go back out to double check that he was in the men's bathroom lol

how many yall like E?

My lips too small; my teeth too big. I’m a mouse girl now.

I got called to set up a gynecologist appointment in a few months 😵‍💫

::: spoiler family nonsense My mom has been absolutely horrendous to me ever since I came out. She's refused to talk about trans stuff with me even though I have asked 6 times now. She has avoided it every single time. She's been guilt tripping me and acting like I'm being unreasonable and needy when literally all I'm asking is for her to call me by my name, or at the very least tell me why she won't. It's been a thing for like a month and a half now. Since she was ignoring me when I was trying to talk to her, I ignored her when she needed information from me, and it led to a 6 hour inconvenience on her part. Now she's gotten it into her head that she's been nothing but supportive and great this whole time and I've gone no contact at the slightest push back from her, when in actuality, I actively tried to talk to her for a month and a half and she ignored me. I guess she's getting what she wants, because I'm not planning on talking to her again after this. She's acting like I never gave her a chance, but I did. That was it. And she stepped all over it. :::

been sitting here struck with the realization that boys are actually really cute and i am significantly less gay than i thought. i'm still bi but like wtf i can't stop thinking about men. i've been stuck on "damn wtf i'm into boys a lot more now" for the past like 4-5 months and still can't get over it

I was just reflecting on the day I came out to myself as a trans woman and I feel all the emotions flooding back to me and now I'm sitting here in bed bawling the happiest tears I've cried in a long time. This feels like pure trans joy and catharsis.

Against my better judgment I am getting the Amazon skirt.

Mfw I'm somehow getting gender euphoria from a damn pen. It's not even anything femme it's literally just a nice simple pen that feels great when writing and twirling. Why is my brain like this.

Finally a good day 😢haven't happy cried in a long time and have been off and on all day. Mostly about telling my friend but also reconnected with one of my online friends and played some CS/the finals and it was a really good time. idk today has been a good one.

dipshit customer: "hey how come you're the only one here wearing the mask?"

the answer i should have given: "the same reason you're wearing sunglasses indoors"

the answer i actually gave: "personal choice"

the REAL answer: "i'm a trans woman and didn't bother shaving today"

Going on a date with a beautiful trans woman this weekend.

Broke: I'm considering orchie for anti androgen reasons

Bespoke: I'm considering orchie so my high waisted pants are more comfortable.

LIBERAL SPOTTED

GO GO GADGET REDSAILS ARTICLE!

I just went to the knitting group I’ve joined for the first time today, and it’s been absolutely wonderful. The people there were so damn nice and didn’t care at all that I’m trans. They also gave me a lot of help, which I desperately needed, because I’m still a complete beginner, so I was very grateful for that. The only thing that I had to get used to was that everyone else was twice my age. There are younger people of course, but they couldn’t make it today.

And today is also my 5th anniversary of starting HRT, which still boggles my mind how it’s already been half a decade. I know it shouldn’t surprise me that it feels a lot shorter than the 5 years I had to wait before I could finally start but it still does. Like, if you told me that it’s only been 2 years, I would fully believe you.

The only thing that really annoys me though is that I’m completely overwhelmed by my emotions now. It’s like a tsunami composed of all kinds of emotions hitting me head-on. I wish there was some kind of switch that could turn them off, because I’m having a hard time calming down again.

It's that time again, goodbye for now comrades

Be aware of your own enjoyment of the site.

• If you find yourself no longer having fun, do something else. There are many different comms on Hexbear, and many different ways to shitpost and have fun.
• If the site as a whole is just not cutting it for you, take a break. We'll still be here when you get back. Nothing should compel you to stay.

https://hexbear.net/code_of_conduct

Went on garden date with wife

I dry my nail polish using my gpu exhaust fan

Gamer gurl

The power of Marxism-Leninism transformed a KatGirl into a DogGirl, marvelous

::: spoiler volsex, HORNY Ate my partner out right before bed and first thing in the morning and we've both been fucking glowing all day long. I love the way they squirm and moan and beg for more. My lips and tongue were tingling for hours afterward (and still are actually, I had just tuned it out). Estrogen seems to have only made me hornier, or maybe girl horny just makes more sense for my brain. :::

new puppygirl experiments underway

I love Meridith, she sounds like she was great!

::: spoiler horny post Ate a trans girl out wirh a neo vagina. If I hadn't seen her (naked, for sex) before bottom surgery I wouldnt have even known tbh. Smelt like, tasted like, felt like, got wet like, a vagina she would've been born with - even had her (called it prostate but dont think it was) more or less right where the g spot is in birth vagina. I'll be getting my bottom surgery from the same clinic she got hers, so it was also like looking at what I could have :::

I now have a girlfriend, which is great! But she is so horribly dysphoric that she thinks life will just always be that way. Forever. Gotta buy some nice clothes with her, and love her lots.

::: spoiler coming out/worrying Out to almost all my friends now. Meant to be all of them but ran out of time. He knows I want to have a serious convo though. Who let me do this 😭 I don't know how to navigate this. It's never been modeled for me. I don't know any trans people irl idk how to do this. I can kinda tell they haven't either. I really hope things don't become awkward. I can't believe I'm actually doing this. Actually living as a trans person, being out and stuff...

Also people have offered to help me but I don't know what I need from them. Or what I could ask for (like something gender affirming) that wouldn't feel super awkward. Especially thinking about my cisf friend.

Wanted to put these thoughts to words for a few hours and now I'm super tired, actually just fell asleep for like an hour, I hope this makes sense.

Oh also and like they've said they're supportive, and one has definitely been trying I feel like, I still worry about what they actually think of me 😢 :::

i wish for summaries of reddit threads disguised as articles to be stricken from the internet

An old person (like forgotten generation) after a long talk already asked what my progress badge meant and I explained it and they said they "didn't know why people were so hateful to you" and wished me luck.

And it's so funny because they clearly didn't know what my specific deal was (a butch trans woman who mentioned a female partner). And I didn't explain and they didn't push it like a boomer might have.

Perfect way to act. I don't understand and I don't care it's fine.

::: spoiler sex Follow up on https://hexbear.net/comment/6124212 She came over for a few days, and we basically spent them high and fucking. It was amazing!

I need to freak out less and be more confident.

Also I'm fully in my slut era, I hooked up with three other people in the last week too :D God I love being a cute girl :::

I've successfully finished my finals :)

Stalin would be proud

After waking up my curls still look pretty nice. I’m really shocked at how effective hair gel is. Without it my hair would be such an utter mess by now, and I would always dread looking in a mirror because of dysphoria.

I feel so pretty still.

Turns out I'm actually a very expressive person. Been having so many online meetings at work and the amount of times I just smile or have some visible reaction to people is really cute I think. Maybe even starting to actually like my smile after years of hating it.

I’ve had 2 recent experiences where I felt like a gay guy was flirting with me and there’s no way that’s actually what was happening because I don’t really look like a guy yet. It does make me excited for the future though

Saw Sinners last night, amazing movie.

See you, space cowgirl.

All my friends pretend to be woke but they all , curious probably having gay ass dreams just like the girl reading this comment

Had a powerful dream where all my previous lovers outed themselves as gay for me in a ritualistic way and begged me to date them. I stepped on them and walked away, they don’t deserve me.

Trying to figure out what I potentially want to do with my hair going forward, but it’s hard because you see people with all kinds of hairstyles but you have no idea if your hair is suitable for it or what they have done to it necessarily.

I'm supposed to sit at my desk and work even when I'm overwhelmed with sapphic yearning? wtf, this is homophobic.

Oh yeah, i’m on that bi-cycle !

I'm like 4 years too late to the party with this game but there's this one little detail about Hades that I noticed and absolutely adore and need to talk about for a second?

almost every character has a unique thing they refer to Zagreus as. "Prince Zed/Your Highness. Lad. Boy. Little Hades. Nephew. Grandson. My Kin. My Little Godling. Cousin. My Son. My Child. Zag/Man. Stranger. Hon. Boyo. All of those are from different characters and it gives the game so much life that half the cast has a unique thing they refer to Zagreus, the player character as and it's just... MMMM. peak writing

you're telling me a chihuahua fridayed this rice??

Okay

I've obviously not been in the best spot lately

Is coming out to my friend/manager a good idea or no? She's gay and has gay friends tbf. But I don't know about trans people. Also my shave still fucking sucks. It'd be in like 9 hours, maybe a bit more. Or uh I could chicken out again. Just has been on my mind a lot.

Hestia Estra

Putting off the mega till last minute

finally got around to doing my eyebrows and damn i did a good job i think

unfortunately, I'm not breedable, I'm readable. I have a terrible poker face and it says so much more than I ever conciously realize

Meredith was a cute little nugget, thank you for sharing her with us :)

Go from being sad I'm alone to hell yeah vocel gang in my vocel gang arc

Bad day. Horrible day in fact

Got a haircut recently and this time it actually turned out really well. Last time I got my hair butchered and was really upset about it.

Trans men are all either Goku or Vegeta. Send tweet. Close mentions.

Yeah my voice is nice and all but one of these days I should probably figure out how to use it for more than thirty minutes straight without having to recover for a day.

I love how I look in makeup, but I actuality love how I look more when I wake up all disheveled, having slept in my makeup. Idk why, it's peak though, I look cute!

I made the mistake of re-visiting the Hank Green HRT stuff from last year (where he basically gave a bunch of harmful misinformation which he never corrected). I'm reading reddit comments and getting so angry at redditors from a year ago.

You’re telling me a mouse Friday’d this rice?!

Had a lighthearted message here and was going to write about my hair, but I ended up ripping off the bandage so to speak

::: spoiler the main stuff (CW: anxiety, depression, dysphoria) Realizing just how much these three can make havoc, along with autism, has made me realized just how much I overthink things. I thought I had some seriously messed up stuff going on in my head, and talking to a couple of people made me realize that I do! It's just, rather than what I feared it could be, it was mostly this cocktail of anxiety, depression, dysphoria, and autism. Literally overthinking myself into such mental distress, and yeah it's all still there and tangible, but also anxiety is making me think that I'm being logical when I'm simply not. It did not take long for the people I was talking with to contradict my own thoughts, things I could not see at the moment, things I had convinced myself were intrinsic to me and natural. It's trauma, of course it is, but I was failing to account for how it was impacting me, and I saw trauma and ran with what made the most sense, although it was under extremely heavy anxiety, so there was literally no reason to be had there. I'm... working on myself, and I'll get to where I want to be. For now though, I need to focus on centering myself, and that just means dropping trying to be someone else and trying to be in places that might trigger me. Hence, a break I am taking. I've found I'm very easily triggered as of late, and it made me feel incompetent, and I have been beating myself up over it. Things bubbled over talking to people, though, and now it's all just sitting on the surface, issues and traumas I thought I had overcome, emotions I am feeling when I told myself I was already feeling emotions again. I wasn't. The past year proves this, compared to now.

I am in a better place now. I'm getting better every day. It might hurt, or be uncomfortable, I might burst into tears on the regular, I might have to rely on people, but that's not a bad thing as I work through this. And until that point where I do work through most of this, I'm not making grand statements about myself, not putting myself in labels like I've tried to do for so long, tried to fit in. I'm simply me, and that's perfectly alright, it's in fact great. No more hiding, no more bottling things up, no more trying to be more than one person at once. I am just me, the me that I want to be, my favorite me, and the me that I will take with myself into the future.

I don't know when I'll be back from my break TBH, this foxwolf is tired, very tired. I'm kind of set with people too, but that doesn't mean the people on here or on tracha aren't nice people. I just think I need time to myself, I need to set new patterns, put in an effort to become the person I want to be. And I think that means letting go, shutting myself out from all the aspects of social life that stress me out, and just let myself incubate. I'll still chat with people 1:1, but I've found that group spaces lead to more stress, a need to fit in, and I really really do not need that. I'm me, quirks, inconsistencies, and all, and I've spent way too long comparing myself to other people, trying to be people I'm not. It's time to take my first steps into a life of my own making, my own design, my own liking.

More thoughts came out here than I originally intended, this was just going to be a post on my hair while making a joke about posting on Luna while listening to Cult of Luna, but I've realized what I need. A farewell, either for now or indefinitely. I'm due for a megathread post at the start of June, so I think I'll make that my last week with you all, both here and on tracha. From there, I'll probably delete my accounts. Keep my posts, keep my history, but finally say my farewells. It feels weird, pulling myself away when I put so much effort into putting myself out, but I need to figure out who I am on my own, without group influence, without perceived standards and insecurities and jealousies and everything else. :::

Thank you all for this past year and a bit. I mean it, I would have taken much longer to figure out I am trans had you all not been here. I have met some absolutely wonderful people on here and on tracha, and one who has absolutely changed my life. I feel bad leaving this place behind, but I have to keep in mind it doesn't have to be forever. I can return under a different name, one I likely won't link to myself. I'll also probably stay on matrix, for those who want to reach me there. Still taking a break, and might go through an account reset of sorts, but I'll be there, even if I'm lurking in groups. Feel free to DM me, really, my matrix links are on both of my profiles here, and for those who have talked to me before and want to reach me again, I don't want to cut it all off.

Part of making this announcement is to manipulate my anxiety, in a sense. I can't go back on this, and I've known I've needed this for a bit now. I'm not isolating either, I'm due for a grass touching (in that I should do things IRL, trust me I touch grass). Thank you all, I'll say for a second time. It's been wonderful, and know that this isn't goodbye. Maybe I'll be back one day. Maybe I'll still be active on tracha. I'm still in DMs for sure. It's just hard to tell where things will go from here.

I'll not be posting again until it comes time to do my megathread on June 2nd, 2025. It's a biggie, the acknowledgement of my own existence happened a year ago in a couple days, and the date of the mega itself being the day I came out all at once. Until then, stay safe everyone, and be the versions of yourselves you want to be

Signed, @AshenWolf@hexbear.net & @Luna@hexbear.net

I dont like a lot of my body but I love my hair. I feel so lucky to have such curly voluminous hair

I love my d&d group!

Thats all

Keep thinking of my height, got measured yesterday and like still the same. Just thought well duh I'm not getting taller but the horror dawned on me of what if the reverse might not be able to reach up on the top shelf where we keep the good shit away from the shorties

Applying to a couple jobs and like, they didn't even give the option of "is this your legal name?" Or "are you trans?" In the affirmative action portion. Just "male or female?"

What they did put was "by signing this you give us permission to verify this information."

And none of the places except for my current employer have known me by my current name, but I haven't legally changed it yet so...

::: spoiler piss thing i've noticed change after about 6 weeks sober: my piss is starting to become noticably yellow again. most likely because i'm not constantly drinking a diuretic. this is probably a good sign but also weird to have happen :::

Made the mistake of looking at pictures of myself today. It's so over

The real op avatar element we never got because Nickelodeon is cowards is piss bending, sure you think you're tough but what you gonna do when someone bends the piss out of you

i just grew into a whale from a fuckin tadpole 👍

Meredith sounds lovely. I'm glad she had someone that cared for her so much

Woohoo hamster mega!

hi meredith

what a cutie, i'm sorry you lost her so early.

Feeling tired and gross today

Focaccia bread with latke baked in

Are there any good trans resources on hair?
Like how to care for it, style it, choose a look etc.
Feel kind of lost.

arf

just got my day one chip from bedwetters anonymous :)

I got ma'am-ed in public for the first time ever, by someone selling me noodles.

Ma'am/sir is somewhat less common in Australia, but still present.

I was wearing high waisted baggy jeans, converse high tops and a light sweater over a padded sports bra. Long hair in a messy pony tail. I have pretty good breast growth for only 3-4 mths HRT.

Honestly it kind of stunlocked me in a good way.

I can't simply state "I like men" and I don't know why. It's true, but I always feel like if I state it I have to go on the defensive and justify myself somehow even though I just... don't?

I like girls too. fucking love them. . I can say that confidently and without hesitance

but if I say I like men then I get super hesitant. my hand reaches for the back of my head and I feel... awkward? idk. I guess all my trans friends are transbians and I feel kind of out of place when I say "but men tho". but i'm on hexbear now and i still feel awkward talking about it? ugh

Sure sex is probably cool but you know what's better, getting a full nights sleep with minimal piss/water breaks

Doing black nail polish with pink sparkles on top. Looks nice been meaning to do something other than dark blue. Also got this scrunchie on that has this cute rose design, got a few like this. The scrunchie is black with a red outline, few other ones like a pink one, brown, and blue at home.

I sometimes forget that is british tbh, I like to keep forgetting if I could help it to be honest.

Fuck. Landlords.

::: spoiler spoiler Sorry I hate doing this at the start of a new mega but it hurts bad right now and none of my other ideas are great either ::: spoiler hopeless, suicide thoughts I am so sick of this shit. Life is horrible and I've known that for a while. I feel like I'm suffocating. I know what all my options are and they're all shit. I hope I die. I don't want to do this again tomorrow, I don't want to do this for however many fucking years I have left. Existing sucks and I'm done. "Oh such and such is just how things are" well I fucking hate it and want to put a bullet in my brain. I can't cope with how it is. Why the fuck did I have to be born. :::

::: spoiler envy Saw my friend today, all dressed up. She looked great. I don't even know how to describe what she was wearing but it looked nice. I wish I was her.

Only partially related but I wish I could cry. :::

::: spoiler shaving and whining Shaving my face every day forever is going to be the death of me. I hate it so much. ::: However having everything else shaved is so nice, shaved last night and just been feeling how smooth I am since...

So I'm not closeted. But I present butch so most people probably just see androgynous/fruity man. I won't give the exact details for OpSec but last week I basically got outed on a large scale for a community I'm involved in face to face regularly. I had an almost panic attack because of it.

But I eventually realized "hey this was good, it's like pulling a bandaid off all at once".

Except no one seemed to notice, at first I thought people were just being polite and pretending not to have notice. It wasn't subtle it was literally almost "Xia Cobolt is actually a woman, she is trans!". But like no one actually was paying any attention in the slightest and I'm like relieved but also disappointed.

::: spoiler vampireposting My blood looks tasty.. Rich and succulent, dark and deep.. I wanna vampire so bad.. :::

Yo feminine, lesbian, and trans lesbian jewellery and piercing suggestions?

I've got so many piercings and so much jewellery.

I'd just like to compare notes.

::: spoiler addiction fucking hell

i was this close to relapsing just half an hour ago, and just BARELY managed to talk myself out of it

It's Veneris today. I asked my lady on Veneralia, April 1st, for help with the drinking. I haven't touched the bottle since, despite how close it's gotten recently

maybe she is with me here :::

::: spoiler think I’ve figured out what I’m gonna do for weight cycling. I’m gonna go up 5 pounds then down 10 then up 5 then down 10 until I’m around my goal.
So probably like 3 or 4 times. :::

society if advertisers all died

After what felt like years of using the same toothpaste, I finally opened a new one.

What I didn't prepare for was the taste being completly different - I had gotten so used to the taste of my old toothpaste that I forgot they came in different flavors and consistencies.

Spat it out, still haven't recovered from the shock

Goodnight my friends

::: spoiler someone convince me not to apply to this care home I don’t want to the old people to be mean to me.
Or have to give them sponge baths or change their diapers.
Or potentially have to wear an ugly uniform.
I want an easy job, but there is nothing close by. :::

Back in high school all the cool gay kids would listen to like lady gaga now they listen to walls of noise broken up with old radio number stations or whatever.

today stunk... some loud braggart said some stuff and i got in this whole argument

unusually cold week, my beloved. temporarily assuaging my climate change anxieties briefly

Think I'm on a new arc where I'm just not gonna correct my spelling no more, it shows hesitant and weakness to go back and edit things.

Yesterday and today, there have been ravens near the tree line -- they are so silly, and loud. Just over there "Ah!" "Ah!" so cool. A goth lady came over yesterday, I told her about the ravens and she said "Oh, that's a good sign!"

::: spoiler Happy-Sad Sincere Posting (CW Dysphoria, self loathing) Last week my partner and I had been listening to some Sufjan Stevens, so the algorithm hit me with the song Chicago while I was driving and I unexpectedly started sobbing. It's not really one of his sad songs (Romulus always fucking gets me), but it is a song I listened to a lot as a teen and one of the few things I guess I felt emotional about while I was quietly disassociating through high school. And I felt this profound sudden connection and understanding with my younger self.

And I reflected that for years I had really hated myself, as a teenager, as a young adult etc. I had chalked it up at the time to things like "hey maybe I am a piece of shit", "maybe I had undiagnosed mental illness" and later "maybe I had internalized homophobia from an insane Christian conservative upbringing" (which was partially true too). But like duh, I hated myself because I thought I was a man, really fucking obvious in hindsight! I felt overwhelming forgiveness and compassion to my old self, but especially that sad lost teenage girl.

So like I'm feeling pretty amazing in a raw AF way. :::

I’m coming around on my hair a bit, but I wish I knew how to style it or what products to use to achieve an effect.

Laser on the face really be like "you will shave twice a day and be happy"

WHERE

THE FUCK

DID ALL OF MY

F U C K I G N

SPOONS GO?????

start up stellaris for the first time in like a year

completely revamped planet management screen and pop system

play for a decade

realize they shipped it without actually verifying if the auto pop migration system actually fucking worked

game now has a nigh unplayable bug in it

close, restart, reload older version

gods fucking dammit paradox

1. stop fucking redoing the planet management and making it worse every time. you had it perfected like 6 years ago

2. stop shipping shit when it doesn't work

clocking in for another shift in the posting mines

::: spoiler horny posting: Legendary: Success having super horny fantasies about the most disheveled looking man i'd ever seen stumbling out if his trashed hotel room looking me dead in the eye and saying "I want to have fuck with you"

I'd get on my knees and suck his dick on the spot :::

saw a guy i used to watch streaming and i thought he had low viewer count so i checked the history^1^ and now hour and a half later i went down a whole ass- memory lane to the 2010s and all the loser streamers i watched.

~1~ ~nah~ ~he's~ ~solidly~ ~a~ ~10k~ ~andy~

::: spoiler If I was a featherie instead of a furry I'd be a bird of bara-dise :::

::: spoiler my appearance, dysphoria, drugs, hope I recently realized I am very pretty :)

My hairline is trash, I'm like 40 lbs more than I want to be, my feet are huge, I've got bad skin, I often have visible stubble, I don't shave my body too often cuz it's a pain, I have crows feet, and lots more stuff like that.

All that stuff used to bother me a lot. But while on shrooms I decided I was pretty any way. And now I feel like I am pretty all the time.

And other people think I am too! People don't actually care about that shit. I literally have visible chest hair in my cleavage showing pics on my app profile. And shit is going great. :::

Been getting some good sleep with this cheap eye mask I got, it's real cute with various butterflies on it. Honestly should have gotten and used one sooner, part of me wants to be vigilant but the other part of me is

Dreamt I was fighting a witch , was doing fine but should have pulled out more shinangans earlier in the fight, had I pulled the pretending to be a dweeb I could have finished it earlier. You gotta fight with shinangans

Might buy a faux ponytail

To the girl reading this, what color is your favorite color?

Bi-cycle is slowly turning towards women and I don't like it

::: spoiler sex and stuff Feels like I'm a lot more "compatible" with guys. I refuse to top anyone ever, and with guys that's just expected so I don't even have to discuss it, but last time I dated a girl it was kind of an issue and I felt selfish and it was just an awful situation and I don't want to experience it ever again. :::

finished Andor s2, im sad cuz that was perfect and i can never experience it again for the first time, Kleya is serious goals and the drip is immaculate, fuck

Skincare is so underrated. HRT is magic of course, but a good skincare routine has made such a difference

Thursday when I looked I felt mixed and numb
Friday when I looked I wanted to die.
Today when I looked it’s feeling more like Thursday.

I don’t want to go out tbh, I don’t want people to see me.
This is the longest I’ve looked at myself in years and sometimes from some angles I look fine…but I still look like some awkward thing in the middle.
My lips and smile are so weird and idk how I would even fix it.
My hair is…idk how to even describe it.
I dunno…I won’t say it feels hopeless, but I feel pretty lost at what to do.

Finally bought and played helldivers. Honestly I think this type of game isn't really for me. Better then payday or warframe though. There's so many of the exact same thing in these games though.

Also playing with "the guys" has lost all joy for me. I'm only out to one. Honestly forgot how much I hate being in a VC with a bunch of guys. I feel so drained.

Also the one I'm out to, and actually like, asked me my new name a while back because my old nickname felt weird. Still calls me that. My trans-ness still comes up basically every time we talk though which is nice and it feels affirming. Just a weird thing ig. If you didn't actually want to call me a fem name why'd you ask...

I just know if I start saying "what the gender?" instead of "what the fuck" it'll be a week maybe less before I start doing it unironically that's how fast I develop my brainworms

Wow my wonderful night last night is lingering into the day, I feel balanced and at peace in a way I haven't in a while.

It said it wasnt going to rain until I put my rain attracting outside window covers on. 🤔 🤨 🙃

I'm not usually big into colour tattoos, but the idea of getting a tranarchy tattoo is really appealing...

Want yalls opinions because I don't have cool enough freinds to ask opinions on collars, which option(s) do you like better? I really like the rainbow one but it's $45, and I'm unsure if its too flashy. Then there is the other style that is $15 that I'd get that with a burgundy strap and unsure on either a dark nickel or "gold" chain. Going with the $15 collar also gives me the option of adding a leash for $15, and I will spend less money overall. And then also then I have a leash for

::: spoiler CW for leather, also maybe NSFW because collar (also if you know of something similar to these that is vegan lmk)

:::

Also before anyone comment about it, no I'm not too concerned about opsec for posting potential collars I might be wearing

Weekend over, have to go back to looking semi presentable Really like not going anywhere and not being perceived at all.

::: spoiler social dysphoria (?) Actually really, really hate the idea of going to work and being "sir". Disgusting. All day today I've been wishing for something gender affirming and that's what I've got to look forward to :/ :::

I think my skin is getting softer or smoother or something? My knuckles are like weirdly shiny and they feel good to rub my face against. Huh

Weekend with my partner has been so wonderful in so many ways. We still have half a day left before I need to drive them home and get to the lab to do some work this evening.

Anyone know where I can find shoes like the above that will fit my gargantuan feet? I have women's size 13WW (or 14 if I can't get wide) feet. Looking for cute shoes for pride

lethargic and dysphoric

What do I do if my hair isn’t long enough for a ponytail?
I feel like my hair would look better if the back was up somehow and it was just my bangs and sides that were down, but idk what to do.

Kind of regretting getting a haircut a couple days ago.

DM and the other players in my group updated all their character icons / tokens, and suddenly it's Twinks All the Way Down.

I shouldn't have read about how smart cows are : (

Its 2am and i'm on a train, there's someone walking up and down the carriage shoutinf and it's really impacting my enjoyment of listening to Pink Floyd, but its onlt cause my headphones are kinda broken. I can smell potato cakes.

shout on my friend, be safe

don't tell me shut up you are not my boss

The fence next to the street nearby is almost completely lined with honeysuckle and every time the wind picks up it smells like flowers. Suuuper strong scent!

It only took me five years to do it, but I finally have pictures on the walls of my apartment, so it was a productive day!

where does one humble trans woman even start looking at options for SRS?

Pretty cool how this site just censors your password for you if you type it out

::: spoiler check it bet y'all can't even see this milfhunter2 :::

According to my sister I apparently do a very good Ash Ketchum impression now, so I guess my voice training wasn't all for naught

There's a surgeon and his resident who's nicknames are tweedle dee and tweedle smart

I dont drink coffee at all

Should I get into coffee? Should I be a coffee person?

one thing I like about summer is that it takes my hair a mere 1 hour to dry instead of 2

My favorite transpost, spoilered cause it is a little edgy ::: spoiler spoiler

::: Ratlimit is such a powerful poster.

Get thee to a haberdashery

Gonna go watch labyrinth, first time ever seeing david bowie on the screen. I heard they weren't even acting in that movie no one bothered giving them a script just that good.

Currently feeling unsure if I actually exist or not

What if my friends trapped and betrayed me in the Missouri cheese caves

Berries are so good; raspberries, blueberries, blackberries - love 'em all to bits.

just felt like sharing.

The only fanfic I've ever read was the IDW one, seeing debate wasn't as good as you'd think way too wordy

When I was younger I thought I have a career in writing romance novels but then I realized... yeah so now I'm here posting my weekends away.

Those thumbnails from my dreams still mock me with the forbidden knowledge they hold; Can Link survive the horse of greed? Jesus tickles it in your favor. what could these mean chat?

Im going to journal my day to create content

Currently on my morning/breakfast arc

Im grating potato to make latke focaccia. Focaccia has been rising in the fridge overnight, this is going to be a kick ass breakfast

That will take 2 hours to rise and be out of the oven, in the meantime I will get in my exercise and dance practice out of the way

But first some quick chores and self care, including voice training

Don't know if it's a me thing or whatever but whenever I hang out with friends I feel a little high afterwards, prob dumb seeing social interaction like this but yeah it makes me happy since I don't do it often enough.

got a new haircut and we're kinda back?? it came out shorter than I expected but it actually feels more feminine this way. And my hair is definitely less ratty now

::: spoiler self harm si and other terribleness Woke up feeling horrible. Fog just kept getting worse. Cut myself. Still feel terrible. Its hopeless. Please kill me. theres nothing. i just want it to be over, I dont want this to be my life. i cant do it and I dont understand how everyone else seemingly can. what is keeping me here. I know all my issues, i know how much this hurts, i know what can change and what cant. i dont want this but i stll cant do it. fuck me. :::

I always feel so awkward when a bathroom doesn't have soap in it, I can deal with no paper towels but this is too much for me. Considering getting a soap bar dividing it into smaller pieces and carrying it around in ziplock baggies when I go out. I got the pocket space but it's times like these were I wish I had a big purse

Guess my gender for the coming weeks while I job train is tad fruity, gonna be learning with some manly men doing manly things. My syllubus don't prohibit my nails painted at least so I'll keep at it there. I've always the luck that people are kind to me so I don't think I'll have any issues and first impressions I had everyone is encouraging so that's great

I've seen people talk about all the weird drug interactions grapefruit has, but is grapefruit-flavored seltzer enough to trigger those? Surely not, right? It would need to have a fairly substantial amount of grapefruit in it to cause problems, yeah?

I find it amusing that is canonically weak to Ice moves, makes sense what with his Dragon typing. Running with this makes sense you'd need a dragon to fight another dragon but the final bit would mean he's weak to fairy types too

Yakuza 5 was the one where they introduced the new engine they would use in that game, 0 and kiwami 1 also the first game where majima started getting his shadow clones. Not gonna say the game was super realistic but this alongside of saejima punching the ground to hurt people and akiyama flying by kicking quickly it started getting kind of out there. I've seen people say it's majima's killing intent or him just moving fast and leaving after images but nah I'm going with shadow clones.

Anyone here ever taken pioglitazone to speed up fat redistribution? Seems like it's gotten more popularity in the online DIY HRT communities. I was always afraid to take it because of the potential side effects (being a diabetic medication and all) but hearing people talk positively about it makes me tempted.

Stringing together enough important days can at least buy a month or so. Maybe things will be interesting in a month.

Sometimes it really is "well, I might as well play [game] first."

On a positive note, I can stock up even more on pills since I'm changing insurance in a week.

It's freeing to decide you're going to end it by year's end.

Keep thinking of the roadside stand that said pickled strawberries, that do sound dope now I want pickled strawberries and I hope you the girl reading this wants them too. That's right you thought this was just gonna be a passive reading but now I'm engaging you and responding to you directly so how's it going?

My knowledge of Big the Cat is great and my ability to lie is sufficient that I can be spreading lies about him to glaze him but my boy don't need the hype train pulling up to the station 🐸

I want to like the music from black knight more than I do like secret rings but other than a few top ones I don't listen to it much. I'm a big fan of the lyrics in these songs because I sit there listening to them like a dweeb think this is so deep analysing them like they weren't throw together after the fact.

Black knight still has some pretty good non lyrical songs that set the tone fine and a few remixes of old themes like the bigfoot fight for shadow and tails theme from adventure 1.

Honestly if your familiar with the 3d era it's a real treat hearing all these orchestral styles pieces. The leitmotif of black knight grows on you in a way I'll admit the one from secret rings doesn't quite though that's because of the overuse of the main theme in rings. Something sadly sonic team didn't learn with the werehog theme in unleashed. Seriously werehog jazz would go so much harder if it was only used when you unleashed or did the QTEs against bosses not when it replaced the night time music in every stage when a fight starts.