hi, does anyone wanna make the mega in the upcoming weeks? if so, reply to this post and i'll add you to the list!

the list as it stands:

peanutbuttercupola (4/14 - 4/20 (weed))
Eco* (4/21 - 4/27)
EstraDoll* (4/28 - 5/4)
SadArtemis* (5/5 - 5/11)
yewler* (5/12 - 5/18)
AshenWolf* (5/19 - 5/25)
oscardejarjayes* (5/26 - 6/1)
AshenWolf* (6/2 - 6/8)
PeeNutButtHer (6/9 - 6/15)

​ * after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters

::: spoiler taking about assimilationists and patriarchy I'm tired of this genre of posts I keep seeing on other sites where they'll say something like "trans people existing doesn't affect you" or like "no one is asking you to change your beliefs, just to treat others with respect" or did stuff like that.

Trans people (and queer people in general) existing IS a threat to the gender system, and so is a threat to people deeply invested in it. I DO want people to change thier deeply held beliefs. I am a radical, I hate society, I want to change it, I want to destroy patriarchy. Assimilationism is not a path to liberation. :::

Chat.... The date did NOT go well, we had a lot in common, had good conversation, and he was really attractive, but near the end he basically just came out and said he was 'dating' multiple people and wasn't looking for a serious relationship, in spite of the fact that I literally told him that I was looking for a serious, monogamous, relationship beforehand. 🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂 Then he, very clumsily, all but asked when we should meet up for sex cuz he 'doesn't like going on too many dates and becoming friends with the person' - his words 🙄

Fucking epic. At least this was the normal kind of guy being an asshole instead of the transphobic kind. I actually kinda appreciate that he treated me poorly in the same way he treats his cis-women dates! XDDDD

Dudes rock.

::: spoiler bottom surgery It is incredible already to have a vagina, and wow does this healing process hurt. :::

::: spoiler transphobia When I wasn't looking one of my students left me what looked like a wedding invitation which I thought was weird but when I opened it it was a freaking religious thing telling me to stop being gay and give my life to Jesus. It referred to me as a son of God all the way through and every time it put SON in all caps.

I don't want to let them win but I've been feeling discouraged all day ever since. :::

I scored big time today. One of my profs is retiring at the end of this semester and he pulled me into his office and told me to take as many books from his bookshelf as I wanted

::: spoiler needles n stuff Did my first DIY injection yesterday. I was kinda anxious before if i could pull through because i've never shot up anything, but i had some of my friends around to support me and it seems i'm more cold blooded than i thought, even got told i have a steady hand and that everbody else present had a harder time during their first try. Haven't felt this much like a big girl since my first laser session. :::

I want this outfit, I want this hair.

::: spoiler almost 4 weeks post-ffs Most of the swelling is down. I'm very slowly regaining feeling in the areas that were previously numb. It feels like when novocaine wears off, and the pins and needles sensation is most mild except this sensation is extended over several... um... I hope just weeks. No pain in my lips or chin or inside mouth or it's low-level enough where I can ignore it. There's mild pain on my scalp primarily along the sutures. They're still sore to the touch so I'm trying to sleep on my back which is very unnatural to me. Besides the sleep deprivation, I'm pretty much back to pre-surgery energy levels and have honestly been for a week already. I'm fighting the urge to go out and be active when I should still be resting.

I've started messages and silicone strips for the only visible scar and these treatments have already had effect. Minoxidil for the transplanted hair and obviously it hasn't been long enough usage to have visible hair regrowth but it has slowed down shock loss.

Now that the swelling is down and my vision is back, I can look in the mirror and appreciate the results. And yeah. The struggle was worth it. I love the changes, looking into a mirror and seeing my face now is euphoria-inducing. I dunno think I'm kinda hot now too... I can't wait until the hair grows back and the healing process is fully complete. I'll be unstoppable :::

I miss my little man :(

::: spoiler bottom surgery euphoria Catheter is finally out, and I am officially part of sit to piss gang, or at least squat and pray gang. Everything so far has not been as bad as I feared, and so much better than I hoped. I already love having my vagina so much. :::

::: spoiler bottom surgery posting About a week post operative now, and I have never felt so comfortable in my body in my life. I didn’t think that I had that much bottom dysphoria, but now that is just completely gone, and I’m still so early in recovery. I already love having a vagina so much, ya’ll. :::

There’s 2 thing I would have NEVER expected as a teenager:

1. That I’m a woman

2. That I would join a knitting group (well not yet. I still have to wait a few weeks)

I was looking for a new hobby and thought I would give it a try, because I found crocheting quite enjoyable as a child and I REALLY want some nice, custom sweaters.

But holy moly is yarn expensive. (perfect emoji lol)

I just spent 100€ for 2 circular needle pairs, some basic tools and 22 skeins of wool, and almost all of those things were on sale. Like, it’s legit cheaper to just buy a sweater, unknit it and use that as a source of wool, because the prices in the fashion industry are just that insanely low.

Prime example of how ridiculous capitalism is.

My fiancée didn't like the name "girl bag" for my balls

the county im in sent me a invitation letter for cervical cancer screening

it's kinda affirming in a way tbh

Went to the doctor today, but they were surprised to see me, because apparently my appointment is in 2 weeks.

Welp! Returned right back home contemplating on how I could’ve done such a dumb mistake.

When I arrived at home, I immediately looked at the appointment card: It’s today’s date.

I feel so stupid now, even though it wasn’t my fault.

gonna book an appointment at a lgbtq clinic, they'll set me up with psychiatrist who will diagnose me with gender dysphoria no worries according to my friend. but that sounds scary and hard. doctors are scary.

down with cis

Been exercising more and eating more healthily this week and I'm starting to like my body just a little more :)

there's only one thing more annoying than trying to buy cute boots that fit, and that's buying HATS

my dome is so freakishly large and all of the hats are like ONE SIZE which translates to "HA HA get fucked freak" aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I'm happy to say I've rejoined cute gang

2 months on hormones today. Feeling better and better as time goes on. I've been having a hard time eating lately so it's not helping the girl gains, but all things in time or whatever.

I dyed my hair blonde recently also after contemplating it for months and it's the second best decision I've made this year.

Anyways, HRT rules and it's never too late. I didn't start until after 30 and I have 0 complaints so far. Other than wishing I could skip the blood work, ha.

putting "OSINT expert" on my resume because I'm terminally online

up with trans

we built this shitty

we built this shitty on butt with hole

Telling myself I am going to actually play my rom collection this time and not just spend hours and hours just downloading and organizing them like some kind of hoarder and then doing that anyway.

Chat I think I'm falling in love again. I must have the kind of swag that trans guys love, because in addition to all my closest friends bring trans guys, every one I have matched with on a dating app for the past year and a half has been a trans guy. I'm pan, so I feel this is statistically unlikely, but I'm not complaining lol. But, I matched with a new guy recently and it's going so well and he's completely my type

Idk how I keep pulling cute boys, I am hideous. But I'm happy

God I love boys!! I could never have imagined that 5 years ago, lol. My love for non-boys has always been there, and hasn't gotten any less. But it wasn't till I figured out that I wasn't a boy that I realized I like boys

Give my rizz some energy please...

Does anyone else feel like everyone has this unspoken expectation that, eventually, you'll be okay? I feel like I'm going to let people down and it's hard to navigate.

I'm writing every day now and it's helping my mental wellbeing so much.

Got addicted to a video game for a few days earlier this week (why can I not like things normally instead of feeling like I have to spend 12 hours a day on it) and lost the habit which made me feel terrible, but now I'm back into it.

went thrifting

got a cute lil narwhal snap bracelet plushy and stuff for decluttering

::: spoiler dysphoria made myself sad looking at dresses that don't fit and a cool pair of boots that were a size too small

:::

::: spoiler dysphoria, sad Really feeling awful about lost time and early trepidation keeping me from transitioning earlier and pausing when my mental health got really bad for years

I could be so much happier with myself at this point in my life and knowing there's a version of me out there in an alternate timeline that doesn't feel like they've wasted too much time and will never feel happy with their body now is really fucking me up

I spent the day with my best friend and their partner and I had a great time but seeing them be in love together made me feel really alone personally even though they're both really sweet to me and weren't excluding me at all

I just really envy their affection for each other and their emotional intimacy and feeling like that wouldn't be possible for me because of how uncomfortable and awkward I am in my body makes me feel like I'm gonna be alone forever and I want a loving partner so bad

I know it's not a good idea to be desperate for affection and validation seeking a relationship because of how easy it can be to overlook red flags but I feel like there's an important part of my sense of self and gender as a nurturing and supportive person who really craves someone to lean on and feel safe with and appreciated who will cuddle me and make me feel like it's gonna be alright

Idk I'm really emotional tonight sorry

:::

It’s weird that I am whole-ass married when kissing still flusters me

It’s all been downhill for Eastern Europe ever since they went CIS in 1991. Coincidence?

went to the gym yesterday and had a good workout all things considered given I hadn't been regularly in awhile recovering from my hand injuries and was feeling pretty good and saw some friendly regulars I hadn't seen in awhile

::: spoiler dysphoria looked in the mirror before I left and that was a bad idea

hate how large I am and how... idk what to call it. Frumpy? Blocky? My silhouette is

I'm not like a super tall or bulky muscly type but ugh

I wish I was more slender in my frame and shorter

I wish I could be described as "elegant" and that's pretty far from the actual truth of my appearance

My face is kinda femme and I have kinda feminine legs and hips but I hate my fat distribution and it's like I'm a big work truck with a girly paint job and the women I wanna look more like are like sleek little sports cars or something

Physically I've felt just too big lately and have been bumping into shit accidentally a lot lately and it sucks

My voice and dealing with my hair and body hair and everything have gotten worse and I've felt a lot worse bottom dysphoria than I usually do and bleh

I've known I'm not cis for a long time at this point but keep beating myself up mentally like "why can't I just be a queer cis guy, it'd be so much easier than dealing with how far away my body is now from where I'd like it to be"

ugh :::

I went to the park to read today and got a shit ton of side eye and weird looks. I guess the world isn't ready for my cuteness

::: spoiler Suicide mention spends all morning and day lost deep in elaborate fantasies about killing myself

remembers that I forgot to take my hrt today

takes it and within like an hour I'm smiling and laughing about things again

I've been highly disappointed with the physical effects of hrt but damn I sometimes really forget how much it helps me mentally. Like it's a total and complete mood shift :::

::: spoiler mention of genitals I downloaded a dating app for the first time last night and uhhhh.... Either guys can't read or literally every 'fish in his profile picture' having ass guy in a 10 mile radius loves girldick. Probably the former XD :::

Listening to king gizz's Changes again and reminding myself why I FUCKING LOVE this band

Hello gamers, I got my blood work back and don't really know what to make of it

• T: ~90 ng/dL
• E: ~65 pg/mL

Is this normal for 2.5 months on HRT? I was on 4mg estradiol a day for the first month and a half and then bumped up to 6mg, plus 100mg Spiro a day (unchanged throughout). I definitely missed doses here and there, but maybe only a handful throughout.

Someone made a Create: Estrogen submod for Minecraft Create which adds E pills and patches which give you the power to dash jump. I always get a kick out of people trying to make the game more realistic.

Going to bed before midnight for the first time in awhile and am comfortably worn out from the gym and freshly showered and took all my supplements and have comfy PJs, wish me luck on sleeping well because goddamn I've been bad at that lately

Rizz update:

I shared some of my music with her, and she was really impressed. I gave her a few of the full files because she said she wants to work out to them.

She's been so sweet and nice... very damn appreciative of everything I have to say. She's such a calm, gentle, and beautiful soul. I'm nervous because I really really really like her, but my rizz always has me covered...

Things will most likely continue to go well. Sharing my music with her helped us to get a bit more into personal hobbies and stuff like that because we mostly talked about things like Palestine, communism, and veganism besides that.

I spent my lunch break reading yuri outside today. That helped my mood.

i would like to turn off the part of my brain responsible for stress, thank you

Nother fruit mega makes my melting brain happy thank you fruit posters

::: spoiler just blatantly breaking the volcel police laws, extreme horny and also pretty sad posting born to be the town bicycle, just an absolute free loving, easy slut

forced to be an awkward, virginal, autistic trans woman who doesn't pass :::

Im craving to be wrapped up in the arms of a tall butch

Morning big beautiful posters please enjoy these Mcplants I saved from some box that read "Don't Estrogen Open Inside" not sure what that was about

I feel like my 2020 self would be proud of the way my 2025 self has become self assured and secure in identity. 🥰

::: spoiler ableism I forget how ablest people are :/ one of the supervisors is pretty obviously autistic (although undiagnosed), and people are talking to me about how stupid he is and how the elevator doesn't go all the way up, how annoying he is, all the things. I guess a few times customers have called him the r slur. And like, idk, I don't know the guy but he definitely doesn't deserve that. And at first I thought maybe people just didn't know he was autistic and were saying these things out of ignorance, but no they even said they think he's autistic. :::

::: spoiler genital dysphoria posting ugh. you know, i was really thinking that i wouldn't be getting this until years later in my life but recently i've been really, really looking forward to the idea of getting bottom surgery. my genital dysphoria has been getting worse and worse recently and i keep thinking that damn it would be really nice to get a pussy soon. I don't like having a penis :( :::

i absolutely hate being this old and still completely and utterly single

i absolutely do not have the time or energy to even think about dating right now

screaming on floor

I can't with this fucking weird-ass dream I had.

Okay, so basically, in this dream, I was in a college class or something like that, and I haven't been in college for a bit. Weird.

And what I specifically remember is that there was this classmate of mine... he was a chubbier Black guy, looked a bit nerdy, wore glasses, and had somewhat spiky hair, and his name was "Lenward." I specifically remember that people called him that because his first name is Leonard and his middle name is Edward.

So, here's what's weird(er than that): Lenward would, out of absolutely nowhere, during lectures, just start beatboxing really well, and then he'd lay down the most fire bars imaginable, and then his desk just started levitating, and he floated around the classroom while doing it, and everyone, including the professor, was just cheering him on like, "GO, LENWARD! GO!"

And, when I wake up, I'm like, "What the fuck was that?"

I wrote code so bad leetcode crashed to the point where the editor reset 🫠

got new shelving coming for my greenhouse. gonna need it with all these trays of seeds i have

of the many, many problems of dating while trans, one of the least consequential but most frustrating ones is looking at your dating app profile and realizing you need to update all your pics because you look noticeably different now even though you just took those pics 3 months ago

Oh shit I've actually lost weight 🤯

wait a minute, peaches aren't citrus

ACAB but I love a small town cop discovering a vast conspiracy way above their paygrade.

Outer Ranges, Fargo Film/TV series, Stranger things, there's more etc

I've started watching the Bondsman (which is so so) but we've got a black female sheriff who has immediately pick up that something strange is happening. Though I'm not optimistic she will solve it as she's minor character probably destined to be killed, it's still nice to see this.

::: spoiler weed edibles got me wanting to roll around fluffy tall grass like a kitty on catnip

:::

Born under Venus look for a

Voice instructor said my nails are fierce, so that's my one good thing I can hold on to for today

Been thinking of attempting a habañero-peach chili

having a random issue at work where every time our software tries to do an operation with Texas it breaks because All of Texas is returning an undefined value for some reason - it's a real pain in the ass but it's been pretty fun the last few days telling everyone at work I don't have time for them because I'm "busy dealing with Texas spontaneously ceasing to exist."

hair so long it's on the back of my neck now and it feels really nice :)

Okay idk why but something clicked in my brain and now all the essays I've been writing are gender and identity stuff. I've written so many in the past month after not writing any in my entire time at uni so far. Not complaining since they're fun and easy to write, it's just weird that it's happened suddenly.

filing my nails with a dremel; dunno if that's butch or if I'm just a mess.

(these are not mutually exclusive)

Shaving in the shower sucks, I can't see any of the hair (have to take my glasses off/they fog) and then when I get out there's a ton of missed spots

Came out to a friend (who I've known since high school) the other day as trans. Wasn't exactly hiding it, but just hadn't made it explicit either. He thought I had already come out, so gaslighting friends into thinking you already come out at some point can work.

Was basically the first time coming out by actually just saying "I'm trans". Despite knowing I'm trans for like 3 years and tomorrow or the next day being my HRT 1-year anniversary. Tomorrow sharing the date (April 11th), the following day (April 12th) being 365 days after. Which is February 71st, or 2/71 (e is 2.71...)... so I choose e day to be my celebration day.

"Soft-Launching" my neopronouns on one of my Discord servers by updating my profile but not saying anything... maybe a little cowardly, but we'll see how things go

Damn! My guess were bananas.

::: spoiler exercise

SORRY BUT THE DEPRESSION WILL STOP

ANOTHER 5KKK RUN DOWN

UNLIMITED GENOCIDE ON THE SEDENTARY WORLD

:::

Hung out with a few friends from work today. Was mostly nice but def felt like the odd one out at times. Of course, I was the only... "male bodied" person in the group and only out to one of them. She was also the one who said I'd be the person out of us to sit in the passenger seat of the Uber because the driver was a man. I guess I get it since I still look like a guy, but didn't feel great though.

I hope my HRT starts working better soon. I don't want to play act at being a girl and that's what it feels like I'd be doing if I tried to socially transition in the state I'm in.

looking through some recent selfies and good fucking god, they weren't kidding when they said HRT makes you look like your mom. If I wasn't so clockably trans I'd almost look like a clone of her

love me some gender drugs

started taking a higher dose of B-12 and i feel like a brand new person

I have a date this evening for cuddles with a cutie and im so excittteeeedddd!

Accidentally outed myself the other day when someone asked another trans woman if laser hurt and I laughed

More cuddles lined up for tomorrow with the cutie, gosh this part of my life makes me happy also personals are the shit plus they are kinda like a horny little newspaper

::: spoiler i am a horny lesbian God i love women. I love loving women. I love loving women as a woman. I love kissing women. I love worshipping women, being worshipped by women, being fucked by women, whipped by women, teased by women... God i love women

Some people seem so fucking happy to be trans and others seem miserable, I’m in the miserable camp but I want to be happy. Happy trans people, what’s your secret?? I want in, let me in

Having a would be a great deal for reinventing myself honestly and not just getting stronger wise, the fantasy of just putting everything on pause more or less. I think I could handle the loneliness pretty well as I do what I need in those 2 years.

hope yall r good at parrying because im dueling you all to the death, fox only, fin destination

::: spoiler sad, venting, voice dysphoria and hopelessness I know I post like this a lot, and have recently. I'm remembering and thinking about the replies people have given so don't think it was a waste of effort or anything. Just really sad about it again today/yesterday and sometimes this helps I guess. Also I do have a job again, pretty much just need to schedule my on boarding now.

tbh the thoughts have been looping so much I'm not sure where the "start" is. I guess I'm dreading/scared/know the next few years are going to be really bad. And that's minimum, I honestly don't have any reason to think in a few years they'll be better. I'm going to have to come out in that time. My dad is neck deep in evangelical shit and I have a few much younger siblings that make things harder as well. I have no prospects for getting a real job that would let me be independent and have no idea how to get that. Obviously the economy is going to shit so how's that going to work out for me. I don't have any qualifications but graduating high school. And obviously hrt is going to make boymoding forever not really work, which is a problem both for finding work and at home.

Can't voice train. Hurts too much, I sound too cringy, I literally cant. Between that and my frame I'm obviously never going to pass or be remotely happy with sounding like this. Just thinking about it makes me want to- eh. Not worth CWing but I'm sure you can imagine. I hate it and my voice changing unironically ruined my life. I can't. Disgusting and ruined. Probably forever. Going to die mad.

I can't deal with any of this, I can't deal with real life. Everyone thinks I'm able to build a life I'm happy with but I can't. All I want is to just disassociate forever. The government should just give me money so I can just rot somewhere and never be seen or heard from again. I hate life, I hate being perceived, I hate talking, I hate having to do shit, I hate society and I certainly hate the idea of being trans in this society.

Anyway idk what I'm going to do about all this, probably just drag things out as long as I can stand. I have no faith in my ability to actually make it through the transition (assuming that there's even an "end"). :::

Bad dreams

Self criticism time. I always thought the concept of bibliotherapy was bogus. As in doing therapy through a book.

But I think reading Sisters of Dorley Hall is actively helping me work through a bunch of stuff.

::: spoiler dysphoria raving, doomer shit Did I permanently fuck my brain by deciding not to look at myself for years?
So many girlies make posts like “X months on estrogen and I can finally see(or start to see) a girl in the mirror.” Or “I can actually stand to look at myself because I can see the changes that are happening.”

I feel like if I look in the mirror after all this time and don’t see a cis woman it’s jover, not that I can be sure my brain would even acknowledge I pass if I did with my potential BDD.

There is a really cynical part of me that thinks estrogen isn’t “magic” and all the baby trans will eventually be bitter and disappointed like me when that reality hits.
But I’m hoping I am just mentally ill and delusional. :::

Frozen peaches are a fun and cool snack. 👍

I may be forever flat chested but there is always the hope that I can get a fat ass

Not like I will ever exercise to do so, but I can pretend and imagine

::: spoiler sex/masturbation Estrogen has destroyed my ability to just mindlessly crank one out based on pure friction. Generally, this feels great. But I feel so disconnected from myself sexually. How can I speed up the process of learning myself again? :::

::: spoiler dysphoria posting god I can't wait until I don't feel visceral hatred of my body, face, voice, mannerisms, and general appearance

Surely that has to happen eventually, right? Right? Right??? :::

i got new shelves in my greenhouse and it's so much tidier now

if I had my little way I'd eat peaches every day.

Brain chemistry is cookin' hard. Inhaling coal, exhaling steam and smoke

::: spoiler nsfw genital dysphoria god I fucking hate having a dick. I naturally have a pretty darn high sex drive but every time getting off just feels so unsatisfying and disappointing cause I hate what I have, no matter what I do. I can't wait for SRS, but that's years away at the minimum and maybe never if worse case scenario. the wave of dysphoria and disgust is really getting to me, I know I'm not just going to stop masturbating for the next several years or anything like that so I've got to deal with the discomfort and dysphoria and never actually being satisfied. Shit suuuuuuuuuuckkkkkks :::

Honestly polish with glitter or stuff in it I think is just top coat, serves me well since I don't really need to put anything else on it but the see throughness means I gotta pair it with another color underneath.

Thinking of getting back into Dead State. It's a spiritual sequel to Fallout 1 and 2 (and Tactics now that I have recently replayed that). It's a turn based squad RPG set in a zombie apocalypse. It's one of the few games that I feel properly balances combat against humans versus combat against zombies, exploring and looting, while managing a base, with speech checks and dialogue.

I finished it a few years ago but I messed up and caused some people to die and didn't get the best ending with a couple of others. I also picked a kind of boring ending where the surviving military helps you evacuate, in exchange for your character being drafted as a commander of their forces.

What I really like is you have to balance the personalities and factions in your base. You can't please everyone as different factions are diametrically opposed. But you can call in favors and persuade people to soften the blow. The other thing is you also manage your individual relationship with other survivors, but without any spoilers some survivors secretly (or openly) are real pieces of shit, so you're better off antagonizing them and bringing them into line (even killing or exiling them), instead of placating or appeasing them, because if you do the later messed up stuff can happen between them and other survivors. Likewise other survivors who seem like dicks or useless really come out of their shells and become real team players.

The combat is basically like Fallout 2. You have action points, 2 weapon slots, you balance attacking versus moving etc. You can customize your own character to be good at melee, range or a mix of the two (my favorite as there's some neat synergies that can make you a real jack of all trades MVP in a fight, but that's balanced against not being the worlds best sniper or melee fighter).

You also go from being like Season 1 walking dead helpless survivors to unstoppable killers in customized body armour and weapons, clearing rooms with homebrewed nerve gas.

This is the only peach-related content I need

Riff concept for the next song I'm writing

I was heavily influenced by classic prog (like Dream Theater and Fates Warning) when I wrote this one.

Peaches are amazing. They're one of my all time favorite fruits

If you care about looking cool in front of people tell them you listen to drum n bass when they ask for your music preferences instead of just saying video game OSTs. If they ask for any recommendations look something up so you don't default to saying Bomberman or ridge racer, not talking from experience everyone knows I'm a dweeb anyway

::: spoiler Smoking What kind of cigs does transbear smoke? I'm one of those freaks that gets a different pack every time B) Also, tell me why Marlboro reds rock, but the greens are the worst menthols of all time... 🤔 :::

::: spoiler spoiler Still upset. Was talking with someone about diy and like- even if it is actually none of my families business they'll still probably at very least be hurt if they find out that way. They might feel like I was "going behind their back" or being "underhanded" (seriously we have to start cissies). And like, they're right, that is how they'll feel. I don't really have any hope of moving out in the next year either. Obviously I could start, wait a few months, and then come out and tell them what I am doing but idk. I hate it. I don't want to come out. They won't see me as my gender, its going to be so awkward, genuinely just horrible. Its not even just me at the house either. Cried. idk what to do. ::: spoiler major bad idea/cognitohazard So chat gippity released a new model semi recently with image gen- I don't understand the technical details well enough to explain them here but it sounds really neat. Anyway I obviously told it to feminize me and change a few things (just hair and glasses) and holy fuck I'd be so happy if I looked like that. Its not realistic, at very least it shrank my nose, but damn. What could have been... ::: spoiler dysphoria, I brief si instead of looking like that- like a woman- I look disgusting. Actually revolting. I literally have to figure/get my shit together regarding a couple self care things because that picture (the original) makes me want to kms. Imagine other people seeing me like that, imagine asking to be called a woman looking like that. ::: But I have been feeling less depressed lately, still just this type of stuff...

robot rock is a rare daft punk L tbh. release the beast is just a better song

I like how the story started to play out in Adventure 2 but gameplay wise I feel it started to enter the era of "do all these cool tricks as we intended to get a perfect score" compared to adventure 1 which was just about speed. Like your score is still heavily tied to your speed but each little section if you break it down is just tight action sequences you have to nail in between the next action sequence... I miss the free form style of Adventure 1 so much

::: spoiler late night posting Can't fall asleep for anything right now. Took a nap too late I guess. Also brain is just looping through all the bad thoughts. I remember someone describing to me or reading about how your brain focuses on a problem until a solution is found, and when it can't it just kinda fucks you like this. Anyway that's what's happening, that's what's been happening.

Hopefully tomorrow I can disassocite again and forget about how much I hate this and how horrible everything is and how I'll never be happy and how I'm ruined. But I'm actually pretty cooked on not being able to sleep. :::

Just saw I saw the TV glow for the first time and holy shit

Keep telling myself any day now I'll quit regular nail polish and switch to gel and then I find another cuter regular polish at the dollar store

Peaches are good. Goodbye peaches!

Switched from the cheaper nail polish ($1-2 a bottle) to more expensive polish ($5-6 a bottle) and it's actually lasting several days with minimal need for repairs. I guess my nails aren't too long right so that also helps. I was thinking of taking them off actually so I could apply cuticle oil, but then I realized that you can just apply cuticle oil to the cuticles without getting any on the nails so now I feel silly for not oiling them over the last few days.

Also, piercings healed up enough to change out to new ones (8+ weeks). I was getting a bit worried since I started wearing some hinged loops and I was feeling some tenderness/warmth. I switched back to my original studs and I don't think I have an injection, but my piercings are easier to clean with the studs in so I am going to wear those for a couple of days and then resterilize any new earrings before changing them again.

::: spoiler medical anxiety, genitalia, masturbation, sex, butt stuff Woke up erection this morning which was a bit unexpected. It's probably fine, and I was sleeping on my belly so it could have literally been from physical stimulation, but it makes me anxious about my spiro since I have trouble taking it at the same times every day, and have missed more than one dose.

Also worried about function there in general. Since I've started chatting and dating, my already quite reduced urges have further receded. I haven't been physically intimate with anyone yet, but the emotional aspects have kinda filled in that space. It doesn't help that masturbation has also become somewhat less pleasurable. On one hand, afterglow feels so nice compared to the "post-nut clarity" crash, but I can't play with my anal toys due to that hemorrhoid/bleeding risk, and I haven't figured out how to use my vibrator in a particularly pleasurable way. So, the ole' stroking gets the job done, but the actually O is pretty lame. :::

Thoughts on estradiol cypionate vs. enanthate? I'm looking to switch to injections and want one of the once weekly formulations.

george bernard shaw's sugmalion

Anyone else been using transfem.dev for matrix and having issues with performance?

see here:

https://girlboss.ceo/~strawberry/conduwuit.txt

I just switched over to matrix.org, feeling a little sad now though

My sibling was telling me about a hateful bumble message they got from a man, I muttered "basement...", I'm pretty Dorleypilled.

Is orochimaru from Naruto an enby?

looking for subq injection supply recommendations. i've got (luer-lock btw) syringes that are alright but i cannot for the life of me find a decent 27g 5/8ths inch needle that doesn't end up wasting more E than i'd like.

e: thank you everyone. i'll definitely look into airlocking it, and if that doesn't work then fixed needle it is.

Happy Yoshi Day

Wait, are peaches some sort of nomme de guere???

Is it a bad idea to buy needles and syringes from ebay

Entertain me

Still obsessed with 06, it takes 3 super hedgehogs to kill God. One in the past, one in present and one in the future simultaneously like sonic has always been anime but this is the most anime shit ever boss wise that hasn't really topped in the series even Time Eater wasn't as intense, man I miss so much when Sonic writers would cook like that Maekawa beautiful mind needs to return

::: spoiler whining and being sad, talking about self harm in a way that's probably triggering Feel so lonely and shitty and depressed about my situation. As far as being able to transition, having to transition at all, i know i don't really have the effort required in me anyway. Anyway just feeling shitty about the situation that's been upsetting me the last few days and finally snapped. i'm so sick of feeling like shit. Just using a rubber band so no scars so who even cares. not as satisfying or good but whatever. its pain which is good and what i want right now. i'm too stupid and cowardly and whatever else to fix my situation so we make due. ::: spoiler passive si god i want to wake up dead, i've been wanting that, i'm so sick of all this shit. Unfortuantely my "dying in my sleep" polan has not been working out for me and there's no backup. i have no way to move out and even if i did that only fixes some of it.

I can't believe this had to be me 😭literally why did i have to be trans. i am not capable of this, i wasn't before i cracked and i'm not now. ::: spoiler more self harm anyway going to go play some shitty game I barely care about and feel shitty and hope i die and think about how shitty everything is and how i'm an emberassment to everyone including me and how i should just kill myself already but i'm too freaked out by being gone to actually do it even though life is hell and i have no hope or anything for the future.

Sorry for being unhinged i'm sure i'll act normal again soon :) :) :) :::