hi, does anyone wanna make the mega in the upcoming weeks? if so, reply to this post and i'll add you to the list!

the list as it stands:

JohnBrownsBussy2  (4/7 - 4/13)
peanutbuttercupola (4/14 - 4/20 (weed))
Eco* (4/21 - 4/27)
EstraDoll* (4/28 - 5/4)
SadArtemis* (5/5 - 5/11)
yewler* (5/12 - 5/18)
AshenWolf* (5/19 - 5/25)
oscardejarjayes* (5/26 - 6/1)
AshenWolf* (6/2 - 6/8)
PeeNutButtHer (6/9 - 6/15)

​ * after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters

reminder that transition is a marathon and not a race. for example, im almost 3 years into hormones and i only just installed linux

::: spoiler spoiler Bottom surgery accomplished! I am now officially dickless. The battle is over, and now the long war of recovery begins. :::

Bottom surgery in a few hours. See ya’ll on the other side!

A chud called me a "she."

Damn. That shocked me.

🏳️‍⚧️

BIGOTRY WON'T FIX YOUR RENT

Banner seen on unceded Kaurna land, Trans Day of Action, 2025

source, instagram

::: spoiler A major moment is happening... [brief mention of transphobia from family]

After being on HRT for over 1.5 years, becoming more feminine, being interpreted as androgynous in so many scenarios, and even working on voice training so I can speak in an androgynous tone, I feel like, despite all of my progress, something was lacking from me being able to take on a true essence as myself full-time: the hair.

I am growing freeform dreadlocks, and though I love the process and keep getting pleasantly surprised by the development, it takes a lot of patience to be satisfied with such a hairstyle. I certainly am willing to wait, but I want to feel more affirmed in my hairstyle as it takes time to get long and more defined.

Initially, I started wearing headscarves which helps obscure my hair on bad hair days where the freeforms are acting a bit more unpredictable, but recently, I was able to take it a step further.

I was talking with an IRL friend of mine who is also non-binary, and I've known him for a long time. Me and him actually go back to when he was known by his deadname; that's how far, and we've both come a long way in achieving more euphoria. I told him that I started wearing headscarves, and he finds it cute and affirming for me.

I told him that I would like to maybe wear a wig now that I'm seeing how feminine the scarf made me, but due to my situation as you may know, I don't have much money to spend on things like that.

So, what happened is that this friend actually went out of his way to do some mutual aid with other people, and I was able to get money to get a neat, decently long dreadlocks wig for every day use that's in a color and style I absolutely adore.

I'm really fucking excited about this. It is expected to come in the mail exactly one month before my birthday, so it feels like an early birthday gift in a sense, the best one I could ever receive, and this is the opportunity that'll pretty much let me live as my transfem androgyne self full-time without too many "off days" where I look and feel more masculine than others.

It almost feels unbelievable especially since my transphobic family barred me from living as myself for so long that there were so many moments where I couldn't see the end of the suffering in sight.

:::

Bottom surgery this week! I’m so ready and excited~

::: spoiler bottom surgery silliness Last day with a dick, pissing standing up as much as possible. :::

i wonder if my desire to be a catgirl is partly fed by my desire to piss of my mother, who absolutely hates cats.

feelin kinda visible rn

::: spoiler mini-rant about fake allies, passing, lookism, transphobia something that really annoys me is when cis "allies" say (about an attractive trans person who passes) "just look at her, how can anyone say she's not a woman!" even if they mean well, like come on. it really shows where their priorities lie, and how shallow they are. I know for a fact that a lot of cis people's trans acceptance is purely superficial, and they need trans people to be conventionally attractive and gender conforming. of course they always say this about young pretty white women, and it makes me wonder - do they feel the same about a trans person who doesn't look like Hunter Schafer or Kim Petras?

and of course now I'm seeing comments like this about Vivian Wilson, who had the benefit of getting gender-affirming care as a minor. the ridiculous irony is that a lot of the fake allies who say stuff like that are the same ones who have "concerns" about trans kids getting care. so you need trans people to pass but you don't think they should have access to things that would help them pass? fuck off! :::

preaching to the choir here I know

I was finished getting a kid prepped for a tonsillectomy, I asked him if he needed anything else before I went he said "yeah! Look at this monster truck I built out of Legos!"

Aw, child, adorable. You did so good on that monster truck

Changed my outside lights to trans flag colors for last night and tonight because I thought it trans lights improving visibility today was amusing.

But also it could be meaningful for someone. Use to think such displays were fairly meaningless until my cousin told me about how she started a trend in her girlfriend's neighborhood of pride flags and how such was important to her girlfriend's child feeling more welcome/safe in the neighborhood. Growing up, I never really considered I had anything to be worried about (despite my mom telling me I should hide having more than one mom from classmates).

Idk if it matters but my roommate and his org got our city to pass an ordinance declaring it a sanctuary city for LGBT+ people in specific trans people, it’s a fairly large port city in California and might be just lip service but I think it’s a good thing either way.

was already a lifelong patient cuz of disability anyway >:3

high femme? I sure am hits bong and starts to cough in a way that makes me dysphoric

::: spoiler relationship gripes... hate how often my girlfriend pees the bed... :::

Riding that "im disgusting"/"im hot" rollercoaster rn.

Joining the war on women, on the side of women.

::: spoiler cars are dangerous and I almost got seriously injured I was crossing a crosswalk and someone accelerated from a full stop right into me and threw me into a busy road. I'm not hurt (don't even have any scratches) but it was so scary.

Not even the first time I've had a scary run in with a car. One time I was walking through my neighborhood and a guy in a sports car zipped around a corner and was inches way from hitting me very fast. Like he was speeding speeding.

God I hate cars. :::

::: spoiler sad I need to be held

I feel so fucking lonely today

Idk why but I want to be cuddled so badly :::

doesn't eat, stomach hurts

eats, stomach hurts but differently

Ugh. Both my parents are being weird about my gender

Getting my driver's license renewed today.

My picture is going to look 🔥 🔥 🔥

I made the grave mistake of leaving the house without my umbrella and now I'm no longer a member of cute gang

::: spoiler name stuff Had a big city adventure and went to a protest and hung out with rad queer and trans ppl and it really lifted my spirits

First day in ages where I was with friends who only know me as me and not (deadname) and omg I needed that so much

It's not a big deal really but I got dinner with friends and gave my full (femme) name on my order which is still kinda nerve-wracking for me but was with friends and the staff were very nice gay guys who were very kind to me and god I really appreciate queer friendly neighborhoods

Saw a lot of cis ally stuff for trans rights from a surprisingly older and more lib seeming crowd and seeing trans people in public being accepted and defended and thriving really got me emotional and happy

Love my friends and am really grateful to have their support and acceptance

:::

I have a job where I send correspondence back to doctors. My personal quirk is I use no title and first name for male doctors. And Dr surname for female doctors. Because I'm respecting women here.

Weather forecast just came in, looks like we should prepare for another hot girl summer

Oh guess hexbear finally refedded while I wasn't paying attention. Had a bunch of stuff I wanted to post over the past month but not really anything rn.

Overall life update is stuff's been going good but I'm pretty busy with school so haven't been super active online. Did get a job and housing secure for the next year so I don't need to be as frantic or overwork myself like I had to last year.

Had a really nice day out to play pool at a bar on Saturday with some friends, went out in a full lolita coord and even got to wear heels for the first time. I actually really like them, it was just a bit over a 1 inch heel but I find them actually very natural to walk in, even running felt pretty good. The ones I have aren't super high quality but given my size I don't really have much choice for lolita shoes lol (I'm literally the biggest size this brand even offers and they're the only lolita shoe brand I've found that does my size, even for custom orders). While I was out I also made plans to go clothes shopping with a friend I've not seen in a while after exams, got some tips on where to go for cute haircuts, and got like a dozen compliments on my outfit as per usual. I'm starting to be known around town for my fashion lmao.

::: spoiler (cw: misogyny) Also got hit on a ton by some guys which was pretty uncomfortable. I tried to mostly ignore it and just stay silent but it still took a minute for them to get the message. :::

Overall though it was a nice night out, though pretty draining too since it was like 7 hours.

Came out to another person, looking like she won't respond to me until tomorrow though pretty sure she's cool but obviously still a bit worried. Doesn't help I know her husband is a chud. Either way what's sent is sent

I never really wanted a relationship until my egg cracked and now like half my thoughts are wishing I had someone to cuddle with and go on little dates with and talk to throughout my day and think about all the time and sleep near and love on :catgirl-flop: going to bed alone and ugly instead. One day...

cum is stored in the brain

When I look in the mirror in the morning I see one person

In the evening I see another

Neither of them are me

What is to be done about this

interview in 8 mins

thankfully it's online so I don't have to leave my house

well that was weird. It was a group interview which is something I've never done before and also asked for an absurd amount of travel including overnight stays. 100% not getting that nor do I want it, back on the Indeed grindset I guess, this shit sucks

E gave me freckles! Never knew that could happen

it's wild how im incredibly feverish and my head is filled to the brim with snot but im also like incredibly horny?

::: spoiler horny fever dreams like i just wanna tie someone down and stick my fingers down their throat as i ride them until one of us is done, and if it's not me then there's going to be hell to pay smdh :::

up with trans

Hard to believe there was a time when the trans mega was getting over 2k posts per week

my bralettes have been feeling a bit tighter recently which either means my tits or my muscles are getting bigger. either one is fucking great

Weight cycling is a fuck. What do you mean i have to lose a ton of weight just to put it back on and do it again???

good thing I got some Ozempic today so I can just do it the easy way

Sertraline my beloved. I was hesitant about starting antidepressants because I'd heard a lot of people say they just made them numb, but I have been feeling good for the first time in years. I've also had therapy and loving support from my family, so I'm very lucky. I had forgotten what it was like to feel like life is worth living.

What do you call it if a leftist starts DIYing large numbers of bootleg Plan B and abortion pills?

::: spoiler spoiler Seizing the means of reproduction.

:::

My life is scrapping the bottom of the peanut butter jar hoping there's enough left for one more sandwich.

If you are a burger, prepare to pay $700+ for the new Switch thanks to tariffs

Does anyone know how long on average it takes to get account approval? Sent some trans people this way a couple days ago, and obviously there’s a lot going on with re-federation and such. Haven’t made a new account since the open signup turned into application questions so not familiar with how long the process takes.

I hate April Fools, I think it’s a bad holiday

I caught a Pokemon today

like every system i've ever known has been trans so this goes in the trans mega close enough

if i had a nickle for everytime someone close to me realized they were plural, then started spewing pluralphobic shit at me because they were scared of being plural which i was supposed to be okay with cos they don't know any better (thereby basically calling me not a person and triggering the fuck out of me) i'd have twoooo nickles

why

::: spoiler dysphoria, addiction god had everything went wrong attempting self care stuff and I had an ugly meltdown

want to cry and can't and just feel disgusting

relapsed on cigs and a wine cooler and blew my sobriety streak and feel like shit and need a hug

gonna try seeing bff today to cheer me up but jfc I gotta do better for myself, struggling and suffering this much with my body image isn't sustainable

:::

we'll probably be more of a butch tomboy when we're further in transition but right now we just want pretty spinny dresses n skirts n stuff :3

Grapefruit let's fucking go

A friend took me to see a movie and she promised me it wasn't that scary, but the first thirty minutes or whatever was like the scariest thing I've ever seen (after that it was okay). Just sat and stared into my lap in the cinema and now I won't be able to sleep tonight Feel exhausted after watching it

::: spoiler dysphoria Haven't felt very dysphoric the past few days, tbh haven't felt very trans in general. Then it hit me tonight need to feel like and be seen as a woman.. hopefully with getting a job I'm going to be able to do/get more in the gender affirming department I guess. Still sucks and I hate this. :::

I want to join cute gang.

Useless sapphics flirting

"Im beaming that I liker her so hard right into her brain"

Stealth Enaree from Scythia visiting Ancient Rome “yo do you think that guy water-clocked me?”

::: spoiler spoiler ::: spoiler i’m gay and my dick is small :::

::: spoiler kinky See ya at the rope bunny rodeo, cow girl :::

One of the things I love about my name is the nicknames/ways to shorten it

Maybe I need to tell people I'm okay with that? Maybe I'm overthinking this but I feel like people might be more hesitant about that kind of thing because I'm trans.

::: spoiler dysphoria

oh my fucking god my school put up a photo of me in a cap and gown with me faking a smile cause my mom threatened me to do on the wall of the hallway AND THIS WAS WITHOUT MY CONSENT WHAT THE FUCK

::: spoiler relationship shit I'm 99% breaking up with my long term gf.

Tonight.

Been a long time coming, i just need to actualize it.

On the other hand I started seriously talking online to this enby that's been super cool and has the same kind of adhd and autism as me and it's been crazy fun. We've known each other for a year but recently got super into things together in the last month.

I'm trying not to conflate the two events, but being around this new person has made me realize how stagnant my relationship got and how important queerness is to me in relationships, platonic or otherwise. I also realized how my gf is still kinda seeing me the same way she's always seen me even if she's been supportive to my transition, whereas this new person treats me... like a woman? idk it's different for sure. I don't know where things are going with this new person but they're super flirty with me and me with them. We're both poly (though my relationship wasn't so I've even monog in practice) and things have been freeing hearing about them and their experiences. We're kinda sorta making plans to meet up later this year or next and I'm almost in disbelief that this is happening so fast and they are as well.

idk im scared and excited and nervous and

i can't believe Nintendo would force me to buy a switch 2 by announcing a fromsoft exclusive new IP vampire game

::: spoiler legos

Realized I never actually posted this, my 1/8 scale lego Lamborghini. Got it from aliexpress so "lego", pieces were still pretty decent though. 3700 pieces, built over a couple of weeks. I have another 1/8 scale car to put together but am a bit tired of building atm. :::

me communing with the mods to give cool fruit facts about all the citrus i've been craving the last few weeks

I'm learning kernel module development for the first time and so far the most challenging thing is typing "dmseg" correctly and remembering that I have to use sudo for pretty much every command

I didn't check my email and see that my landlord re-scheduled a showing of my apartment for TODAY while I'm at work and I definitely left out some sex toys and also weed.... Kill me XD

I know it's not a huge deal but I get embarrassed by shit like that so easily 😅

Anyone here have issues staying asleep? Before transition I didn't have real issues with this but since transition it's been a problem. I got on some sleeping pills but am scared of getting addicted to them so I only take them every so often.

Idk if sleeping is just... Gonna be difficult from now on? Or if it's anxiety? Idk.

grapefruit technique

Greatfruit

Warning: Grapefruit can interact with drugs, such as decreasing the effectiveness of estradiol, making Oxycodone last longer, increasing blood levels when on Viagra, and much more.

<stares longingly at a grapefruit> Why must it be the things we love that hurt us most?

Chappelle Ronin

Is my hair getting in my mouth going to get better when it gets a bit longer or is this just an issue I have to deal with now? It was kinda cool at first but now its like every time I eat

me celebrating my loosely reconstructed ancient ass roman pagan ritual with nobody wondering how many other people on earth are celebrating today and if the both of us would meet up at some point

Woke up this mornin', got some gabagool

I'm in pediatrics, we get treated like a hard poke IV access team (kids veins are smaller and more fragile). I'm fine with it! Happy to help.

We got a call about accessing someone else's IVAD. Now, like, I can do it. I did a bit at a cancer centre. We're a multifunction unit and get plenty of kids with IVADs. But what on earth made you call peds about IVADs? Like, yeah I can help you out but if this adult has one they're probably known to the outpatient department or to the oncology unit here and that's who can sort you out more appropriately. I'm happy to help and I can but I'm just one gal who knows the deal with them, but not everyone here does. Very weird.

down with cis

What’s beeping

monty oum was cooking when he made samus and john halo lesbians

They made an emoji of me 🫩

Thank you to everyone who liked the previous mega, I hope I inspired you to make a lemon treat

::: spoiler depresso-posting

I wish "getting better" didn't have to hurt so much. I know rationally that having a decent amount of neutral days, and even very occasionally having a good day, is better than just feeling continuously like the lowest shit day after day after day after day. But at least when I'm constantly broken down I can get kind of numb to it, right now it's like I feel good just enough to not get used to feeling bad, just enough to be constantly hit with this soulcrushing whiplash. Built up just enough that I can break again.

I know it's all part of the process, like building a muscle, it gets torn and heals back stronger bit by bit by bit over time. Just wish that that could get from the part of my brain that knows things to the part of my brain that feels things, just wish that in the meantime I wasn't just some whiny little shit who feels bad about having good days, like what the fuck.

:::

if a game lets me adjust my facial hair I should also be able to adjust my boob size

::: spoiler ADHD meds Vyvanse seems good so far. Thats the update. I can do my job now and focus on what I want to. Its easy. Let's hope it lasts :::

::: spoiler dating, anxiety, sex (overall things are pretty good)

The person that asked me out on a second date/meetup finally got back to me. I wanted to show some initiative, and she had suggested the first location, so I suggested a couple options for dinner and activities. Was very nervous since she has been a bit slow in communication, and I was anxious that I didn't make a first impression and that she was just going to let me down lightly or ghost me. That was just anxiety talking, and she liked some of the suggestions! She's just busy right now and maybe coming down with something. So, definitely excited. I really like her, and I hate that my anxiety has been needlessly souring my feelings.

The other person that I scheduled a date with, well, I decided to stop playing coy/hard to get and ask some questions about sex to make sure that we were actually compatible in that department. It sounds like we are. It feels really good to be desired. I think that some clear communication here was very valuable in increasing my comfort levels. Definitely nervous, but increasingly excited. They're going to a convention that my BFF is concidentally going to, so I am going to orchestrate a meetup so my BFF can give them a secondhand vibe check for me. :::

In non dating news, my ears have healed up enough (8+ weeks post piercing) for trying out new pairs. Well out last night with some spiked hoops and some chain earcuffs. The earmuffs didn't match since I didn't interpret the multipack product description correctly, but I was able to use a pair of those pieces and mod them into a better option (one of the cuffs has a dangling stud, the other a dangling sword.) I didn't get any specific compliments on those, but got a ton of compliments on my outfit in general, especially my studded PU leather jacket. I honestly thought it was a bit much or a bit corny, but I guess my inner alt/goth girl knows better than my grown-up woman brain.

::: spoiler CW Social Dysphoria Feeling incredibly dysphoric and isolated from the women in my life, today.

I feel like my transition has stagnated for a variety of reasons and I wish I could reach out to some of the cis girls in my life for advice on feminine things, but it's hard because I don't know what I don't know. And if I want to like, engage with them about "girl stuff", and don't even know where to start.

And I can't just be like "hi please talk to me about girl things" cuz then I'm the weirdo who doesn't even know what things to talk about.

And then I try to express this frustration to them, and I don't know if it really registers...

Like...idk! Just talk to me! Help me! Help me feel valued and included, rather then just a weird, annoying, pantomime of femininity! :::

havin' a case of the Gloom today

It's cold and dark and rainy and miserable here and I'm exhausted and sad and don't feel good so I'm just gonna go to bed early and write off the whole day

so who are the upcoming recession pop artists we should know about

::: spoiler spoiler Was in bed cuddling with my blankets, scrolling when some stupid nostalgia post came up. Now I'm (more) sad. The future sucks and I want to go back.

Also I should probably fill out this job application tonight. Depressing that nothihng has worked out for me in a while. Literally just nothing in the future. Had to explain to my friend that I stopped college and have no plans which was great. Why yes, I am just a burnout with nothing going on. Love telling people that.

Going to go play some video games or something and feel lonely. Need to figure out how to build relationships. :::

Grapefruits are delicious!

Who the hell let me be this cute? Kinda fucked up if you ask me. Forcing everyone around me to have to be in the presense of my unholy levels of cuteness

I just started reading Tipping the Velvet and it's the most accurate description of having a crush I've read in my life so far 🥺

Redbook keeps showing me cute gel nails, like the colors the smoothness and all the designs you could make are mesmerizing with the use of a small UV light are inspiring me. I still got loads of regular polish, if I make the switch I don't think I'm going back

Got TCA cross done to my face today (they put acid on scars to melt/burn your skin and resurface it)

Basically it feels like I got a bunch of hot sauce on my face. Like, almost exactly.

::: spoiler awkward paperwork/ID question, deadnaming uhh should I enter my actual name in a medical thing that isn't directly for gender stuff? The people at that office are all cool but idk about having that in some database in case of a breach or it ending up in some broccoli headed doge subversives list or something but I hate being deadnamed by every appointment thing :::

Money me. Me needing money a lot now

Grapefruit also amplifies the effect of many SSRIs such as Sertraline (Zoloft) & Citalopram (Lexapro) as it inhibits the drug being metabolised and removed from your bloodstream. Very important to avoid grapefruit if you use this class of antidepressants!

lifehack: if your car's aux cable is loose, for peak cultural enrichment listen to ambient music to gain at least one minute of enjoyment before realising the music has stopped

Should I actually look at myself in the mirror?

weve been playing lots of voices of the void recently... very fun gaym :3 would recommend checking it out on itch (its freeeee)

unfortunately it runs UE4 the worst

People will really say the most interesting things! If personality is irrelevant in your definition of human life as you say, why are we friends?! Go communicate with geist! No one thinks! I'm going insane!

Anyone here have experience with pioglitazone? Is sourcing discussion allowed here?

the lyrics for youtopia by bmth feel so eggy, even though I'm sure it wasn't meant that way

It's like I walked into a dream

And stepped out of the coma

::: spoiler full lyrics There's a place I wanna take you
But I'm not quite there myself yet
(Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo)
I'm getting better, but there's still days
Where I wish that I was someone else
But I know

There is a home, somewhere
Beyond my bones
And I'm just too terrified
To dive inside

Soul like a cemetery
Hard to ignore, we're sick to the core
A world's been buried
Where love is the law, a youtopia
(Scream)

Golden raspberry
For the performance in your head
(Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo)
Stop pushing daisies
No one wants flowers when they're dead

Soul like a cemetery
Hard to ignore, we're sick to the core
A world's been buried
Where love is the law, a youtopia

(There is a home)
There is a home, ah
(Beyond our bones)
Beyond our bones
Let's connect to the divine
It's okay to cry, yeah

Soul like a cemetery
Hard to ignore, we're sick to the core
A world's been buried
Where love is the law

A youtopia (there's a place I wanna take you)
A youtopia (there's a place I wanna take you)
A youtopia (there's a place I wanna take you)
Where love is the law, a youtopia

What was it like?
It's like I walked into a dream
And stepped out of the coma :::

I rewatched Legally Blonde last night and I was surprised how well it holds up. Especially how unproblematic it is.

There's bi-erasure with the pool guy (but they had only just invented bisexuals in the 90s so it might have not have reached them).

The autistic guy is a bit rough but displayed as morally good and helps Elle in the last act.

The character of Enid Wexler is interesting because it feels like she's mean spirited in intent but just comes off as cool af in modern context.

She's a black Jewish lesbian with a PhD in women's studies (with an emphasis on combat) who organised a lesbian march against drunk driving. That feels like a conservative joke but none of that is bad. In fact it's cool.

Even the scene where she has cornered the cishet white Warner (who the film agrees sucks), and is telling him the university should change the name of "semester" to "ovester" could be fixed with a wink to show she's yanking his chain.

Wow, looks like my time as the traa mega-master is coming to a close. What's JohnBrownsBussy2's plan? What fruit will they pick?

Falling asleep with a piece of iron pressed to my skin as exposure therapy, soon I'll overcome one of my weaknesses and be unstoppable

Stressed myself out for hours trying to get something done, didn't even get through it, and now my mood is ruined. Can't cry, feel like fighting someone. I'm so pissed.

Yearly apartment inspections coming up in a couple days, so I get to spend the next 48 hours anxiously planning what things I'm gonna hide and where from the random dude who's gonna be poking around my home looking for an excuse to kick me out

Posting in a lame duck thread

I think my physical therapist clocked me? Like she's really cool and it was kind of a gentle hint type thing of her just being really genuine and curious since we were already really friendly but hmmm

I don't know whether not saying anything and enduring misgendering or outing myself and it being awkward maybe would be worse

::: spoiler cw bodily misfunctions

Im shidding blood out my dodo ass and it not ok. Hope its not colon cancer

Can anyone recommend a good trans memoir, ideally one with an audiobook version? I recently finished listening to the English audiobook of "Until I Meet My Husband" by Ryousuke Nanasaki, a gay man who married his husband in the first religiously-recognized marriage in Japan back in 2016. I thought it was really refreshing--he doesn't sugarcoat things, sex in particular--and I felt a strong sense of connection as well as giving me some hope for the future (something I didn't know I was still capable of).

The Caro-Kann goes hard

I was looking into a new outfit, red leather with black spikes, but when searching for pieces I came across a "Descendants 4: Rise of Red" jacket and it destroyed me. I don't think I can recover from being called out as a poser like this.

::: spoiler (CW: Suicide mention) God being unemployable makes me want to fucking kill myself. I can't seem to get another job and even if did I couldn't hold it down for more than a couple of months. Got let go from my last one because I wasn't productive enough but I was really trying my absolute hardest, I really just work noticeably slower than most people. I can't do the work other people can, I can't do the hours other people can

I need a lot of money if I'm ever to be happy. FFS is expensive, SRS is expensive, and I don't think I want to live if I can't get those at some point in my life

I just got to really hope I can find somewhere that'll put up with me and scrape enough money together for surgery. But even then It'll be years, maybe decades, till I'm okay with existing in this body :::

::: spoiler dating, sex 1 out of 3 dates successfully scheduled, I confirmed (just previously suspected) that this person is indeed interested in me, in a physical sense. I initially wasn't super physically into them, but I've definitely warmed up over talking to them, and it is super fun and exciting. (They did casually mentioning liking being bit (we were talking about vampire TTRPGs) which is a massive turn-on for me.)

Unfortunately, my schedule is hell so the date won't be for another month.

Now just need to schedule the other two. I am suffering from success. :::

Any grapefruit recipes? Grapegruit pasta, grapefruit cake, state fair style grapefruitmonade?

::: spoiler RSI, the pains of desking 8-12 hours a day so im relatively certain i have some form of cubital tunnel inflammation (and possibly also carpel tunnel problems too) from my desk being too high in the past, leading me to rest my elbows on the armrests in my chair and raise my shoulders to overcompensate. my little fingers have felt weird and tingly for a couple years now. on the plus side, im glad to know about this now, on the bad side i had a bad experience with a physio because i think i didn't know how to communicate what i was feeling other than "idk shoulder hurty" and spent a bunch of money.

so ive been hesitant to go back to physio because i don't know what i'd say. now that i understand better what is likely going on, i can start doing some of the exercises like these:

and like these:

I find them helpful, as well as having an adjustable desk.

I've done so much reading about ergonomics, and the debates in the ergonomics circles are really interesting. They argue about whether your hands should float as your typing or if you should rest on a wrist rest, whether split ergo keyboards really make things better, etc. etc.

Its really interesting to read all of these things, because back when I worked in an office, I had no issues whatsoever. No wristrest, big mechanical clacky keyboard, but I had a little hand crank to adjust my desk to a comfortable height. I gave no thought to ergonomics, and I was also playing violin an hour or two a day and playing Factorio in bed with a trackpad (whoops lol).

Then when I started working from home the issues slowly started to build up. Yeah, I'm aging too, and that could absolutely be a factor. But I think maybe the deep lesson here is outside of a few hard and fast rules (like, dont put pressure on your "funny bones" because that can cause ulnar nerve issues, and dont rest your wrist flat on a hard surface for extended periods of time because that can cause carpel tunnel issues, and try to have your forearms parallel to the ground and get a decent chair and dont use a laptop screen and the laptop keyboard at the same time because that puts your neck into a bad position and oh my god do you see what i mean?!!!!!!!!! theres too much) really I think it went best when I wasn't trying to have perfect posture 24/7 but instead was just trying to be comfortable.

The other thing I think I've learned so far is that the best thing I can do to make my setup more comfortable is to make it easy to adjust. Adjustable chair is good, but even at its highest setting it was too low for my old desk (which was a "standard" 28.5 inches high, btw), so I got an adjustable desk. If mousing hurts, I can switch to a trackball. My monitor arms dont require me to use a silly allen key and hold up the force of two monitors to move them (ugh the cheap monitor arms suck). I even got a dumb plastic carpet mat (which smells bad btw) to put my chair on to make it easier to move around on my thick-ass carpet. :::

Wanting to be held but there is no one to hold I am slowly stealing all the blankets in the house tho..

Grapefruit mega let's fucking goooooo

From the makers of puyo puyo tetris, may I present:

Warioware Tetris
Skyrim Tetris
Solitaire Tetris

::: spoiler booze Taking shots to try to come down from a panic attack let’s gooooo :::

Started doing the ring glitch in unleashed to make sonic consume hundreds of chili dogs. Like it works but damn I don't think I'm a major fan of this level up mechanic. I understand it in secret rings beforehand, with how short the game is they had to do something to pad it out (though with how broken a level 99 sonic is I'm eh). Anyway maxed out day time sonic now need to fully unleash the (were)HOG

In b4 the lock.

::: spoiler CW genital talk Yo it's been 6 weeks since I started HRT and I tried to trim my public hair and ending shaving everything and woah my scrotum is already like a few shades darker and I got that very dark line under my penis. Which I understand all is normal but I didn't think it would be this fast. :::

awwwooooooooo :3 see yall next megathread