hi, does anyone wanna make the mega in the upcoming weeks? if so, reply to this post and i'll add you to the list!

the list as it stands:

GayTuckerCarlson* (3/24 - 3/30)
oscardejarjayes* (3/31 - 4/6)
JohnBrownsBussy2  (4/7 - 4/13)
peanutbuttercupola (4/14 - 4/20 (weed))
Eco* (4/21 - 4/27)
EstraDoll* (4/28 - 5/4)
SadArtemis* (5/5 - 5/11)
yewler* (5/12 - 5/18)
AshenWolf* (5/19 - 5/25)

AshenWolf* (6/2 - 6/8)

​ * after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters

This will be my last post on this site. I've been here since the beginning under different psuedonyms, even going way back into the subreddit days during the 2016 Bernie run, and it's been a wonderful time, but I have to hang it up now as I cannot be here anymore.

::: spoiler CW: Extreme depression, extreme dysphoria involving pregnancy, talking about self-harm (DO NOT CLICK IF THIS IS POTENTIALLY HARMFUL), and minor mentions of bottom surgery For roughly the last 3 weeks, I've been in an extremely depressive and dysphoric state due to events that occurred in my life at that time.

It's partially because of being heavily reminded of anatomy that I will never have. Ever. Simply put. I will never have children. I am sterile. I had bottom surgery and I will never have a uterus with eggs of my own. I will never be a mother, something that haunts me every day of my life, even before my egg cracked years ago. It hurts knowing that I'll never be able to raise a child. I know that there's implants being done and cool things being tested, but there's no chance I'll ever benefit from it. I'm aging. Anyone that will get it will be much much younger than me, and they certainly deserve it. I want everyone to be able to experience a monumental experience in life that I never will be able to.

I almost wasn't able to do anything ever again. I almost attempted suicide a couple of weeks ago, but I never got there. I don't feel comfortable remembering that day and I feel awful about ever getting as close as I did. I'm just very thankful my mother made a very unannounced visit that day. Due to this, I just can't come here without thinking of how this site is connected with that very dark day of my life. Coming here was very difficult for me this morning, but I came here for a reason and I want it to be said. :::

That brings me to this. For the love of the gods, your comrades, and yourself, please please please mark your content warnings as specifically as possible. And if someone says hey, your content warning wasn't good enough, then edit it. Don't fight. Just simply be kind to your fellow comrades. Perhaps I'm just mentally weak. Or perhaps I'm just a failure. I don't know. But if this can happen to me, it can happen to other people too. Just remember that if you catch someone at the wrong time, which I very much was, it can absolutely obliterate their mental health.

And with that. I will delete this account. I simply can't be here anymore so I'm not reminded of the above. I hope every single one of you experiences the transition they've always wanted. I hope every single one of you makes it to the goals you want in life. I wish every single one of you the happiest lives you could ever imagine. Please, take care comrades. Never give up the fight. I love each and every one of you and I will never forget this place.

::: spoiler [CW: Woke Transphobia/Bioessentialism] Just watched a livestream where a "leftist" YouTuber said something along the lines of, "If women, I mean AFAB people, ruled the world, we'd be more in touch with nature because men or AMABs function differently biologically."

This is your average person on the left honestly. Highly performative and trying to sound inclusive but just end up expressing reactionary ideas anyway. She really tried hard to shoehorn saying "AFAB" and "AMAB" here. I'm sick.

Unsurprisingly a honky too. :::

Went out girlmoding yesterday and nothing bad happened

I’m married or whatever

I think one of the reasons I've stayed on this site instead of ditching a month in like every other online space I've been in is cause the megathread format is just so good. I've never really found community in discord servers because I feel like there's always a conversation going on in the channels that I don't know how to enter and don't want to say whatever's on my mind because I don't want to interrupt. Plus it's hard to keep up and read everything. I feel the same way about tracha, which is why I'm rarely in there. The mega is so much slower pace so I can actually read everything and catch up when I log in. And I don't feel like I'm interrupting when I say what I want to say because I just make a new post. It's nice. It works well with how my brain wants to interface with communities on the internet. Also I think the size of the community helps. I see all the same people posting and it's easier to remember previous posts from the person who's post I'm reading

Every time a lib uses my identity to pinkwash imperialism and genocide, I want to pick up a knife and fucking stab them. I ain't a killer, but don't push me.

The best part of being on spring break is not having to use Microsoft software. It's bliss

New level of womanhood reached! Mother was going through my selfies and told me I'd look prettier if I smiled

pronouncing progesterone in my head like it's Italian pasta

::: spoiler CW transphobia and degendering. So an odd thing happened while working. Part of my job involves visiting places and I was attending the reception. The receptionist saw androgenus me with my gender neutral name and talking to another said "THEY are here for [thing] please show THEM to [place]" huge emphasis on the they/them.

And I'm like okay they don't know my pronouns (and they/them is one and fine) maybe that was a clumsy way to try and be inclusive etc. But she didn't seem very pleasant at all, wretched vibes.

As I'm leaving I notice another receptionist I didn't see the first time, a trans woman with an unequivocally girl name on name tag. And I'm like light bulb this is maybe some toxic workplace micro aggression degendering stuff I've just been a proxy for. :::

getting fun gender euphoria from how long my hair is now :)

i have two sets of pronouns but literally no one ever uses the second one. i get why, i'm a trans woman so people probably feel like they're misgendering me (ironic). but still it would be nice

The extremely cis male experience of hearing your sister gender her unborn child with "him" and feeling a twinge of pain in your chest like you've been stabbed

One of my friends has started calling me lovely and just so nice, have been glowing.

Up with trans.

employment is joever for me, I'm officially a NEET and plan on being one for at least 1 month

::: spoiler complaining about HRT estrogen it has been three years that we've been together. where the fuck are the tits?? :::

I'm not trying to be a cis woman.

I say the refrain: down with cis.

"Sex was added to passports in the 70s, coinciding with a rise in androgyny, but it's a mystery why the state would need such information" how is it a mystery. What. This is like the clearest admission by the state that sex is coercively done to you, not just a fun fact about your biology

I'm so happy right now. Last Monday I had my E prescription upped from 2mg to 4 mg everyday, and I've been feeling amazing.

One of the big things that shocked me was my emotions. Last week I got thrown under the bus, and before I would have gone off on the person. This time I was even more angry than normal, but I realized it's not my job to deal with it and had by boss get involved. Kind of proud of that.

Had the best day I've had in half a decade meeting back up with old best friends and it's like nothing changed (I mean one trans'd her damn gender) but it was so nice

::: spoiler discussion of transphobic language I hate the phrase "trans identified male" used to refer to trans women, but it's a little amusing to me how it sounds like the rest of their dumb tacticool operator copspeak :::

::: spoiler dysphoria posting as per usual i'm minding my own business when i see a pretty, petite cis girl walking down the other side of the streets who's more conventionally attractive than me, better dressed than me, and isn't a trans woman who doesn't pass. I'm struck with this feeling of envy and jealousy, which is almost certainly bad, but it makes me wonder if this is entirely me being a dysphoric trans woman, or is jealousy of a seemingly more attractive person a thing that some cis women do? i genuinely don't know. I have a feeling it's 80-100% the former but still :::

::: spoiler horny I knew prog was probably gonna cause an increase in libido... but christ on a cross, I was not prepared :::

Um...... So it's official. I'm definitely not aromantic holy heck

Today, I took what might've been the most euphoric selfie I've ever taken in my life.

With absolutely zero shame or regret, I was able to share it to some online friends who've never seen my face.

::: spoiler horny me getting horny pre-hrt: why is god punishing me like this

me getting horny on hrt: 🥴 adlfkjaslkfjlaskjflaskjfladskjfl this is so amazing, if only there was someone with me to "take care" of it :::

I'm still thinking about the guy at the card shop who gendered me correctly without me asking him to. I want that to happen more, but I fear I'm still so far from that.

::: spoiler misgendering

It's wild to me I can walk into places in a dress and my hair done up all nice and still be called "sir." Like what the hell. How is this card shop fella the first time I've ever been she/her'd outside of the people I've explicitly told my gender to? No one has ever even asked me my pronouns outside of explicitly trans spaces. Like surely I'm past the "I'm not sure how to refer to this person and should ask" threshold??

:::

My mom was suggesting as lightly as possible that I should get a cute haircut for my interviews because I "look like a scary fucker" I think this is the big reason why I like painting my nails and bit of eye shadow it's disarming. I do notice especially around femme folk I get way more compliments and they're more at ease around me when I'm more queer looking.

i just had some bullshit experience with the fucking dating apps again. i could go off for a long time about what exactly happened but it doesn't matter. just imagine whatever flavor of dating app bullshit happened to me. that happened to me and now i'm mad

down with cis

I have important news: my hair is now long enough to do that thing where I pull it into a ponytail and feed it through the back part of a baseball hat.

bnuy got a new frennnn!!! :3

fren is a bit sads but das okiiii!!! will giv lots of luv

kinda breaks my brain that you can just get 256gb usb flash drives for less than 50 bucks these days. when i was a kid you could barely get 128mb for hundreds

Thank you all for existing and making a super cool trans community here. I can't tell you how refreshing it is to be in a trans space that isn't immediately soured by liberal reactionaries.

Oh god a sudden "good girl" had me all

It so funny to question if I am trans and then reality hits me in the face.

Had terrible nightmares that woke me up early

there should be a name for that specific emotion when you start cooking and realize you forgot to get one ingredient at the store

I am very happy to have more transfem friends, especially in transfem.social! I should have suggested that instance.

Good day today

::: spoiler exercise / body Bumped my kettlebell from 10 pounds to 20 pounds. Wow! What a jump. Significantly harder than expected. The 10 pound was enough to lead to noticeable muscle growth on my body (which I want ), Im excited to see what the 20 pound does for me . I started doing one upper body lifting exercise after each day of kettlebell swings, I wanted something to hit the arms and chest more, as the kb swings hit the posterior chain and the upper body is secondary.

I shaved most of my body today and yesterday. Feels good to be smooth :::

I was right lol

Day 3 on antidepressants and I have never been less horny

::: spoiler discussion of transmisogyny? maybe just remembered the trans events i used to go to at this lgbt bookshop. like book readings and panels and talks and the like. i don't think they ever had a single transfem, in like the ten events i went to

if i had to rank it, it was almost entirely trans men being spotlighted, then cafab non-binary people, followed by cis men, then cis women. not once was there anyone like me.

not suggesting this was a conscious choice on the event organisers' parts, but idk what to make of this :::

I need a girl coach to sit next to me and teach me girl things

Meeting up with irl bff for the first time in years tomorrow and meeting their cool new friend and their partner

So to elaborate on what I said last night, I think I'm experiencing my first ever real crush. I have NEVER felt this way before this is WILD

My plushies always settle into the same position around me when I'm sleeping, this is what it feels like to love and to be loved

gonna be our 8 month hrt mark already soon.... wow

tho we were accidentally underdosing ourselves the first few months, and have had a few missed weeks

but still, wow, already been that long huh...

::: spoiler mild sadposting is it weird that we feel kinda sad that its already been 8 months?

guess we knew it would be slow but..... feels like at this point most creatures seem to experience a lot more than we have

guess we're probably just so emotionally numb and in such a dissasociative state constantly that.... we cant really tell if we feel any different

::: spoiler boob talk we definitely have boobs but they are barely boobs, though guess that is sort of expected this early on

we were having some dysphoria related to our boobs basically never hurting, and our friend brought up that they might hurt but our pain tolerance is just too high to notice

between the chronic pain, the major surgery we had late last year (not trans related), and whatever untold things could have happened to us that we simply cant remember, its certainly not out of the question

dont know how to feel about that :::

soooo today i got a nose piercing! after the appt was over, my piercer said, "oh and you're Lovelace now right?" so i got to be like, "yeah! getting my ears pierced was actually my first gender affirming thing i did, even before i chose my name" and she finished with, "well i think it's a beautiful name, great choice." omg it's been so long since anyone complimented my name, such euphoria

after the piercing, my partner and i headed straight to a queer museum tour thingo. i got loads of compliments on my abolish landlords top and i really tried to make some conversation but unfortunately didn't manage to grab anyone's contact info so i think i'll just view it as social interaction practice or something. the same queer group is doing more events in the future and next time we'll have name tags which will make things less awkward (i suck ass at names holy shit). there was one person i clocked as possibly transfem and i was planning on saying hi at the post-event drinks but they headed off beforehand . that's okay, i can always try again next time. besides, overall the event went well and i had a really great time!!

this charming NB

More and more I'm coming around to the realization that I'm hot I'm just not my type is all

::: spoiler shaving, also maybe horny? honestly idk I think I need a girlie who just like, comes over to appreciate how wonderful my legs are right after shaving. Just, y'know, hangs out for an hour or two and we just kinda chill on the couch and occasionally she rubs her leg on mine and is just like "woaw, smooth." Yeah that sounds good is there like an app for that?

(Today is shave day but I am sooooo tired) :::

girls kissing

artist

My time getting the notifications for all your posts is coming to an end I may never recover. Stay orange, nerds

I love putting an entire box of donuts in my tummy. Feels so good.

find my favorite nail polish

paint my nails

actually did a pretty good job? looks nice, hell yeah

immediately smudge and fuck them up

tfw your wife is annoyed at you because you are addicted to Elden Ring

current person of ridicule: Edie

Jokes on you, I'm a cat. I just what are you going to do?

I must have achieved Nirvana the way I have no desires (I have no idea what achieving Nirvana is actually about (I'm just depressed))

bear site just told me to read one piece. I am TRYJNG, okay? Well, I'm watching the anime. But I'm 600 episodes in! (Episode 350 is where it really starts to pick up, but you won't get the jokes if you dont start from the beginning /j)

::: spoiler dysphoria Dysphoria is fuxking horrible today. Looking at my face has been fine recently, but for some reason is making me sick to my stomach again. Just want to cry.

:::

My mind feels like

But my body is in pain

@elon musk if you're so rich how come you won't buy me monster hunter: wilds

owned

Apparently I'd forgotten to bring up ADHD with my doc (typical ) but uh I did today and since he's known me for a long time and idk he was saying he could see after going over some questionnaires and maybe diagnose and prescribe for me (if I have, which- apparently my childhood assessments also mentioned "ADHD features?" Though then also I guess I tend to be real sleep deprived and have brainworms about it of the "insert excuse/dismissal here for why I'm not" type...

Also in other notes CPAP prescription for sleep apnea given yesterday and gonna have first call w/ ::: spoiler spoiler a weight loss clinic ::: as well tomorrow as well as meeting my caseworker as usual. And have been walking a bit, even maybe exercising ::: spoiler brainworms (so little, past me wouldn't consider it so tbh) ::: the tiniest bit and this month so far eating so much better (to a certain someone, you know who you are but tysm for- well being the motivation/example I needed to go buy 4 bags of apples and some oranges too at the start of the month I'm comfing). And finally played some VRchat w/ friends :D

::: spoiler question about horny

It never occurred to me to ask a doctor this but could it be a sign that something is wrong with my body if I have literally never experienced horniness? I've never masturabed, never had any kind of desire for sex. Nothing.

(I say this but sometimes the yuri you all post has been making me feel a way lately. Idk if it's the horny or not)

The lack of horniness doesn't bother me, which is why I've never thought to ask, but it occurs to me it could be a sign of something else going on?

:::

::: spoiler whining about pain stuff i woke up and my hands didnt hurt too bad but working is making it worss :::

::: spoiler cw: misnaming was reminded how a few years back before i changed my gender markers (and name) i got accidentally misnamed by a rehab person in front of a bunch of people. As I was staring daggers at her she went all red and apologized profusely in private. Someone from the group asked me about being trans and had some questions about their kid so overall it was a good thing.

the whole group was kinda shocked so that was affirming ig :::

saw my deadname on something today so that's probably why this popped back into my head

Doing a gay little dance in the shower as a treat

Trans Day of Visibility

events in so called australia, list taken from the TDoV website set up by transgender victoria

this is mostly little community events, a few ngo run things but i'm posting the whole list for good measure

::: spoiler spoilering my sourpuss thoughts don't get me started on the 'community' locking all of these behind metas walled garden lol, a community is a collection of instagram pages linked to a discord server :::

VIC

Trans Day of Vengeance Fundraiser ‍ Date: Sat 29th March Location: Cafe Gummo, Thornbury Time: 6:30PM Get tickets here. https://events.humanitix.com/trans-day-of-vengeance

Trans Day of Action ‍ Date: Monday 31st March Location: State Library Naarm/Melbourne Time: 5:30PM More details here. https://www.instagram.com/tdoa.2025/

TGV's Affirmation Station Grand Re-Opening

Date: Monday 31st March ‍Location: Brunswick East Time: 7:00PM Get tickets here. https://events.humanitix.com/trans-day-of-visibility-affirmation-station-relaunch

Trans Day of Visibility - Dandenong ‍ Date: Wednesday 2nd April ‍Location: Dandenong Civic Centre Time: 3:00PM Register here. https://events.humanitix.com/trans-day-of-visibility-dandenong

NSW

Mullum Trans Day of Visibility

Date: Sat 29th March ‍Location: The Paddock Project, Mullumbimby Time: 2:00PM Get tickets here. https://events.humanitix.com/mullum-trans-day-of-visibility-g2mk4rmw

MEDUSA Trans Visibility Party ‍ Date: Sat 29th March ‍Location: The Bank Hotel, Newtown Time: 9:00PM Get free tickets here. https://events.humanitix.com/medusa-vii-trans-visability-party

Pride in Protest TDOV Rally

Date: Sunday 30th March ‍Location: Pride Square, Newtown Time: 2:00PM More details here. https://www.facebook.com/events/s/trans-day-of-visibility-rally-/1676243316630485/

Twilight Pool Event For TDG People ‍ Date: Sunday 30th March ‍Location: Cook + Phillip Park Pool Time: 4:00PM More details here. https://www.eventbrite.com.au/e/twilight-event-for-trans-and-gender-diverse-people-tickets-1245556054689

QLD

Kombumerri - Gold Coast Trans Day of Visibility ‍ Date: Sunday 30th March ‍Location: Hope Island Central, meet at Saba Medispa Time: 9:00AM More details here. https://www.instagram.com/transliberation.kombumerri/

WA

Boorloo/Perth Trans Day of Visibility ‍ Date: Sunday 30th March Location: Pride Piazza, Northbridge Time: 3:00PM More details here. https://www.instagram.com/p/DHDVg1SS4fm/

when ur cuddlin wif ur stuffies n they keep hitting ur boobs >~< owie

::: spoiler pet death My sisters dog died

I used to take care of him a bunch when he was a puppy and when he was older. Months at a time. Me and my ex would dog sit for months. I've been helping take care of him while she's been in Australia.

He got pretty sick for a few days and we were thinking this was it. Couldn't find an in home euthanasia so we agreed to do it today at a vet instead, but he passed over night while I was working night shift :::

::: spoiler JBB's continued foray into dating. Question about dating etiquette. So, got asked out for the first time (to be clear, first time in my whole life)!

They're also a TTRPG nerd, and seem nice enough. They live a bit further away (but I live in a rural state, so what can you do?), but I wanted to have a video call with any prospects before meeting anywhere in person regardless as a safety measure (will be using a burner zoom account). Although, it's too bad since even if we hit it off, I really wanted to get a date to a local festival for the Trans Day of Visibility. I guess it's modern etiquette that it isn't rude to date around until you explicitly make a commitment to go steady? I have no clue how to do this.

:::

my eyebags are going crazy rn 😭

Didn't sleep well and my tummy hurts

Have an post surgery (hand injury, not Gender stuff) appointment today though and decided I'm gonna do a mini spa day thing for myself to feel better before that

Dunno what to wear to it or what nail polish to go with so many suggestions are welcome

I know it's the mega topic but orange isn't really my color despite liking the fruit a lot lol

Was thinking of a gloss black with silver sparkles in it or the metallic dark magenta tbh

I'll post pics of all my options in a bit

beautiful no notes

I don't have a farmer's tan, I'm two tone

::: spoiler dating. the apps Well, I decided to stop doing the whole femcel routine after struggling with feelings of envy when meeting up with the girls yesterday, and decided to get on some apps. Didn't think I had enough cute photos saved up (I always forget to take ones when going out), but the queer-focused apps I picked to start with don't let you have that many for the basic profile anyways. Biggest struggle is people not really filling out their bio in a substantial way. Second biggest struggle was the deluge of likes/swipes from cis men: I'm bi/pan, but the idea of meeting up an anon cis guy is nerve racking. Still, already got some likes/mutuals: the dopamine hit is real, and I can see how these things become addicting.

Idk if anything will come of it, and I still want to get out there and meet people in meatspace, but I feel good about trying to address an unmet need in my life rather than just moping about it. :::

I can tell I'm living my best life based off of my perfectly coherent thoughts, like "where the fuck is that lizard I want on my tit."

::: spoiler spoiler it's a chest tattoo I want :::

::: spoiler dysphoria, injections Spent the extra time to do full makeup this morning, but still hurting from dysphoria. Taking selfies and no angle seems right, even though things were on the up early this week. My current hypothesis is that because I hit a vein while doing my IM ev injection last Saturday that I hit the peak faster and have fallen deeper into the through. Cannot wait for tomorrow for the next dose. :::

in retrospect, the limerant feelings i had for that one girl i know months ago seem to stem from a layer of deeply seated self hatred. as i've been trying to put down the level of self hatred within myself, i a large chunk of the burning, painfulness of that attraction going away, and i feel like i don't have to be as tense around those emotions anymore. they're easier to let go

it still doesn't change the fact that even after she said she wasn't into me i still think she's really attractive and that i want to date her

Just set an RSD time bomb for myself let’s go

did anyone else here get intense gender envy from going to weddings without knowing what it was before you realized you were trans

went out with some friends to see a movie and get some drinks on the weekend. they're all very lib, cis and not that great at conversation but still it was fun to spend time with people! i even did a tiny bit of eye makeup which i haven't really had a reason to do since new years lol

::: spoiler cw: transmisogyny we were sitting next to a table full of presumably men in their 30's-40's. after a little bit one of them got up, went to the bathroom and came back wearing a dress and a collar/leash and all their mates were left hollering laughing. i'm gonna guess that the person lost a bet or something? it was strange to see at a pub in the middle of the city but since i've seen so much transphobic hate elsewhere, it didn't actually feel like there was much intent other than "haha masc-looking person in dress funny"

what i found funny was the irony of all this happening a few metres away from someone that's actually transfem. like i don't think a single one of them even fathomed that a trans person would be at the same pub as them but there i was! so i sat watching my identity be the butt of a joke as i sipped my drink - wondering if people had seen me earlier in my transition and mocked me in the same way...

i wish i had the confidence to walk up and make a comment but i don't think i could ever out myself like that. i kinda wish one of the people i was with had said something, even if it was just "hey Lovelace, that was fucked up. you wanna head someone else?" but everyone just awkwardly ignored it. i think i might just need gayer friends tbh. my partner and i are going on a queer museum tour this weekend so i hope that goes well! my goal is to try to make at least one new friend :::

What does it mean when the rival you tease relentlessly, who also teases back starts sending you her cutesy little fits (also she's monogamous and has a boyfriend)

time to rant about recent changes in the matrix space :3

::: spoiler madposting

Join our public Matrix server!

it feels like in recent times the admins of this public (key word) matrix server have completely lost touch with reality

in a complete stroke of genius, in order to make the space safer for trans people, they elected to basically completely wipe out the staff team. of the few who remain, barely any of them are active in the slightest

if any actual moderation is required in the space, it will take hours for any sort of action to even happen. and, given this is a public matrix server, the risk of moderation being needed will only increase once refederation happens.

it is incredible to us that those purportedly creating a safe space for trans people, on the largest trans community on lemmy, have nothing in place to actually protect those trans people

you can take one look at this community and see just how many mods there are (35 btw), thats whats needed to keep this place safe

of the 3 admins, none have been seen active in the space in months

of the 4 moderators, only one of them is active on a regular basis. one is occasionally there, one only recently came back after an extended time away, and the last has been gone for over a month.

it would be hilarious if it wasnt so sad :::

Kinda incidentally told a cis guy friend that, hey, turns out I'm a catgirl and he was like normal and cool about it. That felt nice. Seems like a thing a cishet dude would not be normal and cool about.

::: spoiler trust issues Didn't tell him that I'm using kit in addition to she now, though... maybe I'm a coward, but the margin of information that makes it so cishet dudes will be cool and normal to just absolute shitheads seems so fucking razor thin it seemed like a risk. :::

Had a big city adventure with bff today

Saw lots of nice pretty queer ppl and went to a cat bookstore and got them and their partners some nice gifts and made plans to meet them

Damn I'm tired tho

Had a little weird liminal ass existential dissociating depersonalizing but riding the bus home too

The bus ride at dusk when it's gray and rainy af and dark and the windows are fogged and there's low hanging clouds and fog outside is such an odd vibe

Like granted I was/am stoned too lol but it feels like you're in reality's waiting room and the blurry dark world out the window is just a loading screen and you're sharing this quiet kinda wistful trip with some strangers you'll probably never see again

Makes you think about roads not taken/paths you went down against your will due to circumstances outside your control

Idk what to make of all that but something about that felt important to me

Also I love my friend so much and I'm pretty sure we're platonic soulmates/siblings and have like perfectly matched brain weirdness to the point of being almost telepathic, I'll be kicking myself forever for drifting apart from them for as long as I did, we're both much better off with the other there to support them

Had a good talk with the therapist today. Definitely feel more clear headed.

I just finished the first season of Babylon 5 and I'm shocked. They did SO much in that episode omg. I'm so excited to keep watching

Every day I wake up and thank whatever deity might be up there that I started growing my hair out when I did. I reaaaaaaally like my hair. Which is great cause 9 time out of ten I find hair to be a person's prettiest feature. It's what my brain sort of latches onto. So to like my hair is a huge deal to me because it helps me to see myself as cute overall

::: spoiler sexual

All horned up and touch starved and in my feelings

All the smut and stuff that works on me for dealing with it makes me feel kinda weird and gross afterwards

Lose lose

:::

::: spoiler JBB's dating adventure If you're reading this, thank you for putting up with me and my rambling.

So, in addition to chatting on a more vanilla app, I have set up a profile on a kink-focused app. IDK if there will be any interest in my profile, but it was nice setting up something more raw and direct about what I am interested in sexually. Definitely a bit nervous, but excited to see how it goes. Will stay safe, don't worry. :::

fight club makes me feel assured that I'm trans and not gay more than any other work of fiction

I won't explain (I also can't)

I'm not a fuggin' nerd and anyone who thinks otherwise is a

As I wait for my freeform dreadlocks to grow and grow, wearing a headscarf really gives me boatloads of euphoria.

I'm not the biggest fan of wigs, and I frequently alternate between good hair days and bad hair days due to the unpredictable nature of freeform dreads, but the headscarf helps a ton.

It makes it easy for me to look in the mirror and actually feel quite satisfied with my appearance.

::: spoiler gay A group of half a dozen trans women stands in front of a bar, a pride flag idly waving behind them in the march breeze while they belt out workers' songs that drift into the starry night. Before them, two other trans girls fall into each other, lock lips and continue to make out as if it was their last day on earth, clawing and biting like mating wildcats, straight green hair mingling with soft black curls as they hug tightly and another set of darkening marks is chewed into a bent neck. A third girl steps forth from the crowd while the singers continue through Der Heimliche Aufmarsch, teaching her new metamour how to bring their sub to her knees and demonstrating swiftly how to steer her when she sticks her fingers into her ecstatically grinning mouth. The new girl learns quickly while the kneeling bottom's face radiates pure bliss in an intensity not seen since the days humanity still built temples to Ishtar, her limp body swinging back and forth between her two lovers. My gal pal leans into me, whispering that she wanted to make out with the sub but got cold feet, and i confess to her that i chickened out of that at least three times by now. That girl's just too powerful for us, how could we match her level of unstoppable gay energy? We're just not there yet, so we keep watching the show the three put on, amazed and happy, and for a moment the freedom of the post-revolutionary society is already with us, here in the present, in the horniest form of praxis ever. :::

awwwwrrrrruf!

::: spoiler dysphoria/sense of identity stuff, paused transition stuff, big sad Doing better mentally overall lately and with everything I've been going through over the last few months but I feel more acutely dysphoric from interacting more directly with the medical system and not having a legal name change and gender marker/birth certificate and driver's license change

My deadname hurts now. It just used to be a mild bummer but I could just frame it in my mind as a role I was pretending to play. "I'm still me of course, I just have to live 90 something percent of my social interactions as a different person with a different name of a different gender that makes me really sad and uncomfortable!" I feel like I ran out of the ability to kid myself like that. Now I'm just really uncomfortable and sad about any situation where I have to be (deadname).

That discomfort has made the physical dysphoria a lot worse since it's more front and center for me mentally. I need to get my insurance sorted out and resume transition stuff. I was so much better mentally on hrt even if the physical changes weren't quite what I wanted (didn't stay on it long enough before I stopped and lost medical coverage and got all depressed and withdrew into a hikikomori last time)

Transition feels like an imminent need now instead of a nice wistful what if things and I feel really overwhelmed

I feel like I waited too long and now it's too much of an uphill battle to ever work out for me

I feel disgusting and hopeless and like I'll be alone and miserable with a body I can't stand forever and I didn't ever really get a chance to be myself or enjoy my youth at all and now it's over and I've already ruined my future too and idk what I can do about that

Sorry :::

::: spoiler complaining Today has been the worst in what feels like a little while. I'm falling behind on some work I need to do/struggling to get it done (deadline is a couple days out). Upset about how long I'm going to be boymoding for. Dysphoric. Tried talking about all of it, didn't really do anything. Tried other things, no luck. Head hurts. Hate myself. Hate this. I can't cry. Tomorrow needs to be better. :::

If I was a dinosaur I'd be a triceratops

nsfw sex joke

::: spoiler spoiler Real Sonic fans ignore the localization and stay true to the original message of the series :::

I started playing cult of the lamb last night. Holy shit it's so cute. I just wanna head pat all my demonic cultists and unholy abominations.

::: spoiler JBB's bizarre adventure in dating I just scheduled two quasi-dates back to back since I don't have a ton of time this weekend, don't want to have to redo my makeup, but also want to meet these people rather than leave them hanging on the app for a week.

It's just video chats, but definitely going to need to prepare separate burners lest a comedy of errors arises. :::

::: spoiler existential rant

So, for the past six months or so I've been getting pretty existential. Looking back at my past and failing to integrate it into some sort of "true self" concept. Not really sure what makes me "me" when such characteristics are so inconsistent. Oh I talked in this manner on Tuesday, but like this on Thursday. In 2024 my gender identity was androgynous, but then in 2025 I suddenly realized I wanted to be a woman again. I was thinking these sorts of things about who I want to be thirty minutes ago, but now I'm exhausted and confused by what I was thinking. I have good relationships with these friends, but my headmate can fill in and act relatively differently and it's all the same to them. I was a good student in 2019, and then completely fell apart in 2020. Etc. Sometimes I try to discuss these things with people, but it invariably results in them focusing on something unimportant or them saying that I am overthinking things. Is that so? Am I really overthinking things and people are content to pass through life as an amorphous, unstable social concept until they die? Or am I just the abnormal one here and you are incapable of understanding experiences you haven't experienced? I guess I've come to the terrible realization that almost no one even attempts to have a consistent philosophy of personhood. You can be replaced with a changeling, and your loved ones will be satisfied they still have your body to attend social gatherings with. In a way this encourages me to change myself for my own sake, but I'm mostly just demoralized from it.

:::

bff isn't replying

Wanted to hangout but think they're either busy or have a totally fucked sleep schedule

::: spoiler CW: medical system, misgendering, butt stuff So, decided to bite the bullet and go into the clinic for help with a particularly nasty hemmaroid. It doesn't hurt all the time, but where it sits means that it's incredibly painful to bottom (just with toys for now) and it has been causing me a ton of stress, especially now that I want to try dating.

Apparently, at some point they involuntarily misgendered me in the software, but I really don't want to get my gender status in the system for various reasons, but it's kinda hell. :::

::: spoiler dating/the apps Dunno if it's because I'm prettier than I thought or because I wrote a good bio, but I've already been getting multiple likes/message requests.

Honestly, it feels so good and validating to be desired for once. I don't think I've ever felt this way my whole life (maybe people have flirted with me in the past and I was too dense to notice, but idk.) :::

I have this ability that seems to shock people, but aside from that, it gives me some non-binary euphoria, not gonna lie.

When I sing clean vocals, I generally sing falsetto—really high-pitched stuff.

I can also do unclean vocals (death metal growls) that are incredibly low-pitched and guttural, and it has shocked online friends for me to send them two separate clips of me doing each and having them know that it's the same person doing vocals on those clips.

But this juxtaposition seems kind of affirming to a sense of androgyny, I guess? Like, on one hand, I can sing really low, brutal shit, but on the other hand, I can go way up to soaring falsetto.

Somebody joked (and I saw this coming at one point or another) that I have the voice of an "Angel" and a "Demon" at the same time.

lol.

Also, it helps that my speaking voice is gentle and androgynous, and I've been doing a nice job at pitch-training it for it to become a lot more natural. I'm mostly self-taught in much of what I do with my voice and a lot of other things too (like the songs I write).

::: spoiler dysphoria/social anxiety Want to go get waxing/sugaring done

Don't want the awkward "finding a place that's trans friendly" finding out stage and feel weird and gross wanting an appointment when I feel so gross about myself :::

::: spoiler sad I need to be held. :::

Wowie my profile says I have 510 comments. That's wild to me. I have never ever been even remotely this active in any online space ever

Im gonna post all the biggest problems in my life and then delete it or maybe not idk

Bad nightmares

Disappointed with this soup for lunch tbh

I'm close to the end of my first Undertale playthrough and

::: spoiler spoiler i just learned i could have spared Toriel during the fight at the end of the tutorial stage. Well, i ... didn't. I'm completely devestated. :::

I mentioned a thing a bit ago about a thing I didn't want to get into the specifics of for fear of doxxing myself, but that my professor thinks was a transphobia, and it has officially resolved itself wonderfully. I'm very thankful to my professor for sticking up for me, because before he got involved I was ready to just resign myself to the thing, but I'm glad I didn't.

I'm starting antidepressants tomorrow and I'd like to know what they actually do but for some reason every medical article is like "hmm idk what they do, no one does actually". What?

🟠

Oh my god

::: spoiler medical stuff, pain, trauma Had stitches taken out

Most physical pain I've ever been in, vision went white, whimpering and crying, snotty sobbing and everything

Had a little breakdown and omg I feel bad for the nurse

It was ugly

Good lord I hope I never have to do that again :::

::: spoiler sadposting again sorry, dysphoria Feeling real lonely today, everyone I'm personally close with and talk to and lean on are busy and I know it's just circumstances but I feel really unimportant and alone

Tried cheering myself up doing skincare pampering stuff and the hair removal stuff I tried didn't work and felt weird and smelled bad and I just feel gross and sad now

I wanna shave and do my nails but I don't really feel up to it after struggling to get through doing my face :::

Zaza got me remembering how fucking weird it was that Mat Hoffman's Pro BMX 2 randomly had you fight a giant tiki dude with a grenade launcher and just abruptly turned into a bad Quake ripoff for a couple minutes

Legitimately got excited when I saw oranges for the post picture

Ya girl loves some orange

I've got 1 more dose of girl pill in my bottle about to start rounding into month 3 of the good stuff 👀

Yter: no ever talks about sonic and the secret rings levels. Me: I've been talking about secret rings levels

::: spoiler JBB's dating adventure Both of my videos meetups today went well. Spent some time talking, and expectations were well set: not going to be staying around for too long, will likely be dating other people as long as things stay casual, not really interested in LDR. They were both fine with that, and I had good chats with both of them. The issue is that they both live around 2 hours away (although fairly close to each other), so while I wouldn't mind taking either out on a date, logistics is tough. I am considering literally having one date on a Saturday, getting a hotel room for myself (highly doubt it would result in a hookup) and then going on another date the next day. Or more realistically see who I am still chatting with in a week or two and then schedule something. Living in a rural state blows (in addition to all the other bullshit queer people have to face.)

On the other hand, the prospective play partner checked in with me this morning. She shared some more resources and we talked about some more expectations. Feeling incredibly excited and a bit overwhelmed, but this is something I really want to try.

Honestly, going to take a bit of a break from the online dating apps, due to suffering from success. This has been enlightening and valuable, but also incredibly emotionally draining. I feel both fortunate to have met these people and also humbled by how much I've learned about myself and my own feelings already. :::

Started reading my next life as a villainess while back it Katerina is such a fucking mood

::: spoiler spoiler scott pilgrim netflix episode 3 I teared up pretty hard when ramona and roxy made up ngl I've been liking the show alright but I think this really made it for me. Also the scene with knives and kim rocking out was great knives finally getting time to shine on her own. :::

Outfit question. I have an idea for an outfit, but no clue if it would work or not:

• Black graphic tank (or otherwise a low cut shirt).
• High waisted black pants.
• Combat boots
• Studded collar and brackets.
• Tight-fitting suit coat or blazer.

Obviously, most of that goes already together, but I can't envision if the suit coat would be subversive/punk or tacky. I have a tight fitting green suit coat from when I went as Harrier Dubois for Halloween, but all my other suits (both costume suits and actual suits) are huge suits and don't work. Obviously, it's very easy to find suit coats at a thrift store, but I don't even know if it's worth the trouble.

I've got a vintage shirt with double length cuffs that look like they're supposed to be French cuffs (would be folded back with four holes for cufflinks), but there is only one button and one button hole... So the folded cuffs just flare out in a flamboyant, 80s way. I think if I just tack down the folded outer cuffs to the sleeves, it will look really nice.

What it's currently doing:

What I want it to do but with no cufflink showing:

The real pattern is way more "loud" than pics and the shirt is more like limp blouse/satin adjacent material.

Cafe-fab and Cafe-mab. Is this a bit?

Redownloaded secret rings. Got dolphin to emulate it and using the controller. Not sure if I'm gonna get back to the grind of 100%ing like I was but just wanna get a look at the worlds again in free camera mode.

::: spoiler secret rings glazing Secret rings just has this whole appeal to me, I know the game doing the thing of middle eastern stuff like aladdin and that's it's own can of worms but I just love all the environments there. I do love the other sonic game's worlds but this one felt like well more mythic since it's supposed to be a story I can suspend my disbelief. I think the music really sold me on the game and I say is probably one of the most underrated sonic soundtracks.

First world is quite nice, dino world is always the odd one but like I get it they had unused stuff from heroes they could use, evil foundry is pretty oppressive, pirate cove is cool same with the sky level, bone graveyard ok and finally the last world is so ethereal.

Secret rings definitely has a learning curve in order to play and love it. I'm definitely looking forward to seeing it all again and blabbing on about it here until I get everything off my chest :::

They were not kidding when they said Babylon 5 got better after season 1. Don't get me wrong. I loved season 1. But what I'm seeing right now really is such a significant jump.

I apologize if some of my comments about bioessentialist lib cis ppl shit came across poorly and deleted, I felt weird about it afterwards and hope none of it read wrong to anyone, I didn't mean anything bad by any of it and it's a topic I have a hard time with

Called in sick to work, got a couple hours more sleep and I'm feeling a lot better. Guess I just get to hang out and chill normally the rest of the day

::: spoiler CW: Jealousy, romantic frustration, FOMO, social inadequacy So, I am trying to manage an incredible bout of jealousy that I am feeling towards a friend. Last Saturday, we and some other folks went to a bar. I really went all out putting together a brand new outfit, nail art, full makeup. I felt that I looked really good. Then, after not too long, most of the group ends up going home since the bars are pretty crowded due to St. Patrick's day weekend, and me and the other friend stick around for a little bit. I'm not feeling great, pretty deflated, and decide to go home. My friend stays downtown, and ends up meeting someone and getting a date.

Now, I should be happy for her, I am happy for her, but I am also struggling with resentment. We're at different stages in our lives, and despite everything else going for me (education, career, financial stability) I have never had any romantic or sexual entanglements whatsoever, and it makes me feel inadequate and diminished. In addition, since I am looking to move out of state soon, even if I did make something happen, it would most likely end in heartbreak. Still, there's no alternate timeline in which I would be in her position, due to my own inexperience with this sort of thing. If I had stayed any longer, it's not like I would be in her position, but that makes me frustrated as well.

So, I am looking forward to trying dating when I move and enter the next stage of my life, but in the meantime, recs on how to cope and not let these sorts of feelings impact my friendships. :::

music monday

listening to a lot of scottish dad rock this week. what has everyone else been listening to?

A Different Kind of Love Song by Dick Gaughan will always hold a special place in my heart

orange you glad that you cant rhyme with it

I'd forgotten how good rimworld was