hi, does anyone wanna make the mega in the upcoming weeks? if so, reply to this post and i'll add you to the list!

the list as it stands:

yewler (3/17 - 3/23)
GayTuckerCarlson* (3/24 - 3/30)
oscardejarjayes* (3/31 - 4/6)
JohnBrownsBussy2  (4/7 - 4/13)
peanutbuttercupola (4/14 - 4/20 (weed))
Eco* (4/21 - 4/27)
EstraDoll* (4/28 - 5/4)

AshenWolf* (5/19 - 5/25)
AshenWolf* (6/2 - 6/8)

​ * after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters

does anyone else feel like they're really bad at being a human

Being trans, and being confronted with the medical system from a minority position, (and also for the first time more intensively, was always pretty healthy) has made want to reeducate the entire "medical community". Just lock them all up, and sort them out later. Especially teach doctors to see patients as humans, and respect them. would be great. I knew intellectually that it was bad, now I also know it emotionally. Endos and psychs truly are the enemy. Bunch of powerhungry perverts, who just want to be able to abuse someone legally.

month 10 of HRT

i'm STILL surprised when i look down and confirm the fact that yes, i do in fact have tits

Every semester I have at least one based "abolish capitalism" student and I've officially found my one for this semester lol

Cishets look so boring because they never have to actively pursue self-expression

Transphobia is an entirely learned behaviour

From Histories of the Transgender Child by Julian Gill-Peterson

I hope that you posters don't perceive me as having an assigned gender at birth, but rather a naked clump of Moss

Me normally: I'm not sure I'm fully ready to commit to another gender binary, estrogen and testosterone are just hormones present in men, women and non binary people to varying degrees and it's bio-essentialist to assign gendered expect...

Me when I'm taking my estrogen tablets: Girl pills yum yum

I'm once again wondering if I'm some flavor of ace. I don't really know how to explain all of it and it feels a bit complicated, but its something I am thinking about and will think more on I guess.

Also, in general, I've been slowly doing better

I've come to report I'm objectively cute as fuck today

me trying to fit in with overly online trans girls: uhhh shark go spinny?

I went to my local card shop to play some magic the gathering and one of the gentlemen I was playing with she/her'd me the entire time and I didn't even ask anyone to. I just showed up looking the way I did lol. That's the first time a stranger hasn't seen me and he'd me by default. Pretty neat!

I got a random "she" the other day as a quick correction to the initial "he". It was an older lady who was visiting the person I was delivering something to and, while not quite right, felt pretty good.

I don't know if it's placebo effect or if HRT can really work this quickly (started 53 days ago), but out of nowhere I felt like taking a selfie today, which I pretty much never do, and I think I really saw myself as a girl for the first time? I still look kinda shitty (my face is rough from years of zero skincare, there's a bit of shadow because I'm procrastinating on laser hair removal, and I still have bushy owl eyebrows because I'm procrastinating on that too (no offense to the lovely owl posters on this site :3), not to mention my messy hair), but there's something different about my face now, especially in my eyes. In old photos I always look like there's someone out of frame pointing a gun at me, but now I just look like a person who's happy to be there, even though I'm in the bathroom at work lol. I swear my face is a bit narrower towards the bottom as well, though it could just be because I'm smiling. This is so corny to admit but I cried for like 5 minutes after seeing myself.

omfg I'm looking at it next to a photo from a few years ago and I'm like a completely different person and it's not just the head/facial hair, I wish I could show yall

saw a post about this and had to get it

https://plushiedreadfuls.com/products/plushie-dreadfuls-gender-dysphoria

What if I was a puppygirl who was feral and refused to wear a collar

My trans agenda for the week:

• shave my bits
• wear cute stuff
• play video games ::: spoiler horny
• beg my partner to destroy my ass with the new harness and dildo we got :::

just did our injection after going 2 and a half weeks without oneeee (we cored our vial)

regirlification complete

(and yes we got a new vial, we didnt use the cored one)

It's really dawning on me just how important transitioning is. It's the most important thing in my life

It's a major life decision on par with the gravity of getting married or having kids, if not even more impactful

Has known they weren't cis for more than a decade now and started hrt and socially transitioning and going by my new name for close friends like 8 years ago

(at some point in the day inevitably, often when sleepy or stoned)

"woah wtf lol, I'm kinda a chick sorta now??? this rocks haha wtf"

The blood moon eclipse was cool, I should admire nature and such phenomena more... apart from that starting counseling again so yay though I've also been in a slump (lower energy/nil executive function, not that my baseline was remotely functional either) the past two weeks as well (my measure of time being caseworker meets). It's a WIP

You know, I don't know if I should be offended that I didn't get the gender non conforming kid as part of my patient assignment. I'm in charge, I have other duties and I'm the most senior so I should probably have the more unstable kids... but I like the gender non conforming kids 🥺. I mean, they should get to have any nurse and expect the same level of care and respect around their pronouns - but I wanna scoop em up and keep them safe. And yeah, I'm trans, but like that doesn't mean I should automatically get every kid with questions about their gender or who have a good understanding of it already and theyre just not cis - I shouldnt be a dumping ground for every kid with pronouns other people fuck up.

I dunno... I just wish I did I guess.

Happy pi day 😊😊😊

down with cis

I've started talking to the neighborhood dogs as if they understand me and it's been making me significantly less angry at them. They still bark at me but have the decency to wait after I'm done talking

it would be dope to have all the trans people move to one city and take it for ourselves

I like trans people.

Zaza got me acutely noticing how touch starved and lonely I am and making myself really sad

My dad wants to get lunch sometime next week to get my perspective on being trans so he can better understand. I'm very wary about that thought. On one hand maybe he's being genuine and the fact that I'm the first trans person he know to any non superficial degree is forcing him to reconcile with the thought that maybe he's wrong. On the other hand my dad always seems to have layers of ulterior motives and there's a high chance our discussion might turn into something else.

I have figured it out.

The reason for Limp Bizkit’s meteoric rise and fall, was that primarily, Fred Durst wrote loser anthems. Something in the water of 1999-2000 had a lot of disaffected losers looking to join in on some sort of movement, and nu metal was going to be it. It would be crushed by the shifts in culture following the start of the Bush Administration and of course, following 9/11, where an influx of patriotism pulled losers to a new cause; dying for Halliburton and sports bikes that would kill service members in droves.

I'm entering my puppygirl hacker era. yesterday I re-watched the matrix, and today I bought a copy of 2600. once I get good at nmap and netcat and curl and SQL injection and the IP suite and DNS and BGP and HTTP and active directory and wireshark and social engineering, it's joever for world governments and corpo scum

The new "learn to code" is "learn to draw anthros" this is pushed by Big Tech to stymie the artist market

I used to write erotica~

I came across something I'd written a long time ago. I read it and thought "how the fuck did this bitch think she was a guy wtf"

::: spoiler sad I feel like I need more help than is reasonable to expect from other people even if they want to help

I feel like I need more affection and reassurance from any potential partner than would be fair to them

I feel like a huge mess and a burden and embarrassment and I don't know what to do but it feels really grim right now and like it's too late and I'm just left to limp along in a bad timeline where I already ruined everything and all my attempts to improve and be better to myself are just doomed to fail from the outset

Idk folks

I feel like something in my brain chemistry changed from the stress and medication or something and I've got The Big Gloom again and can't remember or imagine what happiness ever felt like or it coming back to me ever again :::

should probably tell my therapist about being plural soon, but shit's scary

Pre egg crack me was not looking out for present me when she made light gray t shirts a wardrobe staple 😬

I like when dogs, like, dig their beds and do the turny thing a few times and then hunker down ♡

all tired and burned out just absentmindedly watching a college basketball game

"hey this game's pretty good" kinda just enjoying myself vegging out

gets to halftime and they show a long shot of the cheerleaders dancing

immediately feel weird about bodies and gender stuff in general and get kinda sad

i only have two vibes/gender presentations:

1. dressing so femme that you ask "wait, you're into girls?"

2. dressing so butch that you ask "wait, you're into men?"

Been sick all week (my wife gave me the thing)

up with trans

I can not emphasize how important eye makeup is. I’ve had people swear to me it’s all about concealer or contours but the eyes make a huge difference. They’re also the one aspect I have the hardest time with because I have a huge fear of anything touching my eyes 😫

Trans Mega Commune news!:

The commune has decided to operate on a cult/subscription service model! Based on the successful Zizzian Rationalist Cult, This will ensure we build up enough money over time to purchase the land and allow the cult leader/God to live in luxury

Please leave suggestions what to base the cult around below.

HRT Anniversary today!

Your given name is not your deadname, but rather the misspelling of your chosen name given to you by your local barista.

Very nice megapost, I’m super into hearing about dieties I don’t know yet (and their ties to gender). May Ishtar bless your megathread and all the trans comrades in it. 💙🩷🤍🩷💙

I'm like a flower in heat (dehydrated and withering)

Maybe it's from the leftover eyeliner/mascara, or the HRT doing its magic, or the increased confidence from coming out to a fair number of people last night, but looked in the mirror this morning and I couldn't help but see a women there. Feels good. Feels natural.

I am starting antidepressants soon! So if my sadposting ceases over the next few weeks we'll know they are working

I just got deadnamed at the pharmacy and all my pill bottles have my deadname on them now. And it's really made me feel something. Like I get misgendered other places, face other kinds of transphobia, etc. But this is the pharmacy in the doctor's office I go to for my hrt. Like when I first went there, there was like pride flags and shit. They asked for my name, told me that was what was in their system now, that that'd always be the name they used. They told me I was safe there. I guess I always knew how fake liberal allyship was, but like abstractly. I feel it so viscerally now. Idk, this experience, not even that big in the grand scheme of transphobia we can face really just made something in me snap. We have no allies, everyone really will just betray us at the drop of a hat. And like, if they're willing to deadname me (like verbally, not just the label in the bottle) when giving me my hrt, how long are they gonna fucking do that for? Fucking "healthcare" scumbags diagnosing me with gender dysphoria, giving me meds for it, then triggering it while doing it.

Death to america, death to the cishets, death to all liberals

we had like two kinda cold days here so i took the opportunity to wear my turtleneck again and daaayuuuum i can't wait for winter

Great post, and I love the hymn :D

Posting my favorite sections from Enheduanna's poems about Inana that I've posted elsewhere.

These quotes come from Inanna, Lady of Largest Heart: Poems of the Sumerian High Priestess Enheduanna by Betty De Shong Meador, which is available on Anna's Archive.

From the poem Inanna and Ebih,

summon a kurgarra for holy office / bestow the sacred implements / hallowed mace and dagger / summon a gala, singer of lamentation / dispense the tools of office / kettle drum and hand drum / summon holy attendants / for ritual head-overturning / priest to become woman / priestess to become man”

The pili-pili and the kurgarra are effectively described as transitioning from one gender to another, via Inanna. From the poem Lady of Largest Heart,

Inanna / dressing a maiden / embraces with full heart / the young girl's handsome bearing

the maid a woman evilly spurned / taunted to her face / sways beneath the wrath / thrown on her everywhere / her only path a wanderer / in dim and lonely streets / her only rest a narrow spot / in the jostling market place / where from a nearby window / a mother holds a child / and stares

this dreadful state / the Lady would undo / take this scourge / from her burdened flesh

over the maiden's head / she makes a sign of prayer / hands then folded at her nose / she declares her manly-woman

in sacred rite / she takes the broach / which pins a woman’s robe / breaks the needle, silver thin / consecrates the maidens heart as male / gives her a mace / for this one dear to her / she shifts a god’s curse / a blight reversed / out of nothing shapes / what has never been / her sharp wit / splits the door / where cleverness resides / and there reveals / what lives inside

the unafraid / who shun her outstretched net / will slip and snag in its fine-eye mesh

a man / one who spurned her / she call by name / makes him join / woman / breaks his mace / gives to him the broach / which pins a woman's robe

these two SHE changed / renamed / reed-marsh woman reed-marsh man / ordained sacred attendants / of ectasy and trance / the head-overturned pili-pili / the chief hero kurgarra / enter estatic trance

Later on in the poem as Enheduanna is listing the powers, or me (pronounced 'may'), of Inanna, she very explicitly states,

to turn man into woman / woman into man / are yours Inanna

::: spoiler dysphoria really wish I had a better body type and size for wearing femme clothes

I really want some pretty elegant kinda dresses and some different kinds of cuts of tops in some efdifferent colors and some skirts and feminine shorts to wear with some leggings or fishnets or something but that stuff just always makes me feel gross and sad about my body

I don't feel particularly masc, but I just don't have a very femme physique and I always feel like pretty feminine clothing that I want to like just makes me feel like I'm shaped like a refrigerator and it's really depressing

Maybe I need to try intermittent fasting and corset training or something idk :::

Here's some Inana-related sayings in cuneiform! First three stolen from this r*ddit comment

𒀭𒈹𒍠𒊩
^D^ Inana za^3^-mi^2^
Praise be to Inana

𒀭𒈹𒍠𒊩𒈨𒄠
^D^ Inana za^3^-mi^2^ me-am
Praise be to Inana, the Dear One

𒆬𒀭𒈹𒍠𒊩𒍪𒄭𒀝
Kug ^D^ Inana za^3^-mi^2^-zu dug^3^-ak
Holy Inana, it is sweet to praise you

This one I tried to work out backwards from the ETCSL and using wikipedia's list of cuneiform symbols, but I can't actually read/write Sumerarian, so I cannot claim this is accurate. It's just a guess.

𒊩𒊏 𒊩 𒍑𒊏 𒆭𒆭𒉈 𒀭𒈹 𒍝𒄰
[nitah] munus-ra munus nitah-ra ku^4^-ku^4^-de^3^ ^D^ Inana za-kam
to turn man in to woman
woman into man
are yours Inana

And here's a comment explaining the superscript notation

Used to go full beard because I thought I looked hot like that despite being miserable now cleaned shaven and I feel hot based solely on vibes gotta say got good vibes rn

I came out to my newest roommate today. This is only the second time we've spoken but he mentioned going to Palestinian Justice actions and I was immediately like, "Oh, there's no way this dude's going to be a shitty person" and he wasn't! So happy to have at least one good roommate. Our other roommate seems libbish and harmless but is very reclusive and goes away to see his partner every weekend; extreme normie vibes. There's also an open room I really want to get a queer/trans person into to make this place even gayer.

::: spoiler completely trans-unrelated question about education theory if that's what it would be called?

I know this is certainly not the best place to ask this but I'm planning on spending a giant portion of my life in the education system and I high key hate everything about the way it works. The short of my beef is that students are trained up in a system that prioritizes the grade above all else, and they're constantly bombarded with this fact. School treats the grade as THE priority, but when a student prioritises their grade over their own learning, it's treated as a personal motivations issue on the students end. For example, a student only cheats because they value the grade more than their learning. They only BS papers because they value the grade over the learning. They've only argue point values with their teachers instead of asking about the content of their mistake because they value the grade over the learning. SO many of the issues that education faces in student behavior seem to me to stem directly from the priorities of the student aligning precisely with the priorities of the school. It seems like bullcrap to me that we ask students to prioritize their learning when the education system they're a part of does not.

This seems to me to be an obvious contradiction and was wondering if anyone here had any thoughts and/or recommendations to authors who have thoughts. I want to mitigate the mental effect of grades on students in my classes.

:::

Went to a LGBT+ board game night today. Was really fun! Ended up playing two games with a t4t couple, and got their discord friend invite for contact info.

Im writing out a list of all my life problems and things that need doing and now its turning into a multi year plan

My life is such a fucking mess lol

Had the realization earlier in the day that at this point everyone I care for or care about, with the exception of immediate family, have known me by my actual name for longer than my deadname. It felt really good for a little bit.

::: spoiler sadposting, age stuff Then I realized that that's never going to happen with my mother. I'm in my thirties and it's been less than a year since I came out to her... I'd be in my sixties for that time to come, and it's doubtful she'll be around that long. That hit me really fucking hard. It doesn't feel like I should make me as sad as it is, but I guess you can't control that kind of shit huh? :::

HEY CEO OF TRANSPHOBIA

GOT A PRESENT FOR YOU BUDDY

been thinking up some more futchy fits recently

Į̶̘̮̭̟̿̾̆̍͗̓̿̓͗̓̕ ̴̛̤̹̩͎̜̭̯̙̃̆̄́̉̒́w̷̬̞̠͉̞̝͍̫̯̪̪̗̘͂̍̑͛̋̑̈́͗͒̊͛̊̊̓͌̚a̵̧̳̟̤̰̻̺̙̰̒͆͆́͒͆̽̀̊n̸̢͎͉̻͙͉̪̈́́̌͋t̷̼̥͈̞͈͍̯̻̼̃̎͌̍̑̑̄ ̵̡̪͙̞̘͎̩̬̪̬͎̪͍͕̪́̈̀͛̉̍̈́̄̅̓̿͜v̸̼͕͊̔̆̂̋͑͂̔̔́̊̈́́̕͝͝͝ę̸̡̫͖͖̤͎̤̫͖͐͘g̵͔̮̯̰̣̙̮̾̇̔̎̿̋͛͂̆͘a̵̧̬͙͎͕̳̦̞͆ņ̶̧̪̤̣̼̱̋̊̿͜ͅ ̷̢̢̟̘͈̠̜͉̫̲͙̼̤͙̈́̊̔̆͌̈́̍̈́͒̃̄̔̌́͝ͅǹ̵̨͈̯̜̺̠͎̲̣͖͙͍̞̒̐̒͊̚ͅà̶̡̱̿͐̑͂̾̄̐͗͑̈́̿́c̴̟̞͚̠̄̃̆̈́͝ĥ̴̡̛̙͍̳̗̠͎̦̋̀̊͘̚͘͝ǭ̶̞͎͚̳͈͓̪͛͂̏́͑̍͝š̷̡̢̨̨̞̪̗̟̠̫͇̟̪͍̘̞̤̓͠

I think I've finally hit the point where I have to quit my job, for my own sake

::: spoiler dysphoria episode ___ got misgendered, and now feel like garbage. I wish I wasn't that fragile. :::

Working on 🙂
Really like 😕

At least I'm on a couch eating popcorn, there are worse fates.

Does anyone want some popcorn?

replacement for our cored E vial should be coming this week,,,,, thank Inanna :3

With the unleashed recomplie people will finally be able to listen to the rest of the nighttime music when they disable the INTENSIFYING WEREHOG THEME that game fr has some good ass music

::: spoiler laughing at my own silly insecurity a little bit Everyone knows a girlie who's self-conscious and insecure 'cause she doesn't think she's femme enough, but let me introduce you to a girlie who's self-conscious and insecure 'cause she doesn't feel butch enough!

(it's me) :::

::: spoiler cw: horny :::

i neeeeeed itttt

did too much hot girl shit, am now exhausted

i'm gonna be fucking shredded soon though

I've started to notice signs that she doesn't want to talk to me anymore, and I don't know why.

I don't recall doing anything wrong.

I cried myself to sleep last night.

I hope she's okay.

Going from being called Ma'am to Honey by a woman with a southern accent is my voice is so good sometimes

Kettlebell and bench pressing today

Tofu for breakfast and lentils with garlic nooch crackers for dinner

Was dissociating for like the past three hours went to go pee kinda auto pilot and my own visage in the mirror shocked me since I didn't knew who I was. "fuck it we ball" I'm whoever I wanna be now you can just do that. I struggled for years with my sense of identity but I reached an epiphany today that as long as I keep working at I can make this more than just a strike of lighting

A simple vanilla cake

The vanilla frosting had lemon and rose water

That kind of "finally got a long rest after severe sleep deprivation and you wake up with it still dark and you remember why you set your phone to military time because you would have no clue if it's am or pm and you have to pee for like 5 minutes like Austin Powers after being thawed out of cryosleep and then need to chug like 2 gallons of water"

Slept so hard I circled back around into tired again because I slept too hard

Smoking that Sleepytime herbal tea pack with the bear in the sleeping cap in the rocking chair blowing clouds that spell out "zzzzzz"

Dreamt so hard they thought I was Nebuchadnezzar. Layered those dreams so fat I did inception on myself.

Praise be to her divine radiance. 🙏🙏🙏

I got a "maple butter" scented candle and now my room permanently smells like pancake syrup 🥴

I have a bald spot in the shape of a λ which sucks but is also kind of amusing as a half-life fan

gender reveal parties don't even seem fun. i don't get it

I never skip leg day 🦵 (days when I shave my legs 🪒)

My students were working on a group assignment today and while I was walking around helping I heard one of them correct another on my pronouns and it felt nice. I think that's the first time I've heard someone care enough to do that.

::: spoiler talkin about tiddies damn, i woke up this morning and my nipples were fucking howling in pain. good sign of tiddies to come i hope :::

The cat meows whenever I sneeze, dunno why. I wish I could tell if she's scolding me, worried, saying bless you, surprised

It's pronounced ninja gayden

People say they want to hang out. I spend 2 hours working on my nails and makeup, a half hour driving into the city, and people get flaky and call it a night within 1 hr. I am fuxking pissed.

EDIT: also I drank on an empty stomach so now I kinda have to wait in the car for a bit before it's safe to drive, since I thought people were going to hang out for a full night.

firefox is being real annoying on my tablet by refusing to let me use ublock so now i have ironfox on my gay tablet that i use to read all my gay fanfics

friday rice fell off, like this post if you believe in the superiority of sunday sushi

::: spoiler social anxiety/AVPD stuff/emotional baggage stuff, optimistic though Gonna send old best friend a gift and letter I've been meaning to forever now finally and try to reconnect and catch up and be in touch regularly again

Nervous as hell tbh but am hopeful about it

I miss this person so much and have ever since we fell out of touch 5 years ago and when we were close it was like we were the sibling each of us had always been missing (both only childs)

Like we just immediately fully understood the other person like completely and had the sense that you've always known this person somehow despite having just recently meeting them

And then covid happened and I got really depressed and withdrew and became convinced that I had to keep away from people entirely because I'd just bring them down and the next thing I knew I was out of contact with everyone and alone and had been for half a decade

This is also the first close friends who never knew (deadname closeted me) and only ever knew me and idk but something about that also adds some emotions to the whole thing too

Idk, wish me luck I guess? Will follow up on later :::

There was a popular syncretic religion in ancient Judea where both YHWH and the queen of heaven were worshipped. Jeremiah was constantly railing against it, but the followers said “As soon as we stopped worshipping the queen of Heaven, terrible things happened to us, so we’re going to keep doing it”

New trans megathread, feels like I'm molting~

We got a tentative agreement for my union! It sounds pretty sweet, 15% raise (especially for my coworkers who haven't had any for 10 years and maxed out on the grid a while ago). I think we'll vote yes for it. Can't wait for that sweet backpay

Is 5 years for a life plan too long? 3-4 years feels more reasonable

Had a very early morning work meeting, first meeting in nearly a year that was mandatory cameras on. Basically just threw on a Company Logo Hoodie and vaguely brushed my hair beforehand. Was making sure my camera worked before joining and was kind of suckerpunched... just, "oh, wow, that's a woman." Not necessarily a pretty woman, but definitely a woman. Wasn't expecting that at all, I was expecting to have horrible dysphoria for the entire meeting.

I'm, uh, not out at work so hopefully this doesn't backfire horribly, but it was a pretty nice self-esteem boost especially going into a Tuesday.

She was originally known in Ancient Sumer as Inanna, and later worshipped by Assyrians, Akkadians, and Babylonians as Ishtar. She is also widely seen as a progenitor to the goddesses Venus/Aphrodite.

oh so I already more or less worship her then

I keep getting told I have a super fem laugh and I get obsessed with the thought every time a new person tells me it

::: spoiler sad Every night lately right before bed, I keep getting really sad all of a sudden and I don't get it but it really sucks

I had a pretty good day actually too! I got back in touch with my old best friend and it was good! I had a physical therapy appointment and the therapist was cool and sweet and was good about me having Gender! My favorite hockey team won and I had pizza for dinner and got to hold kitties!

...but I still get "really wanna cry but can't" sad like every time I get ready for bed and just lie awake looking at crush's picture curled in the fetal position daydreaming about being held and can't fall asleep despite being exhausted and eating melatonin chews like they're pez

Idk, brain is bad folks, not good :::

blessed Inanna, the one true god (seriously I'm so stoked she's the topic for this week's mega, she's the coolest).

As everyone knows, CIS stands for the post-Soviet organization Commonwealth of Independent States. Does this mean the USSR is TRANS?

Before the thread is locked I just want to say I love you all, see you next mega!

::: spoiler sexuality, dysphoria, misgendering/deadnaming, sad

Zaza got me psychoanalyzing kink things and how/why I respond to or am weirded out by and feeling real weird about myself and the human experience writ large

I hate how I have the kind of 'tism where I'm compelled to rationalize shit to myself even when it makes me really uncomfortable

There doesn't need to be a hard logical reason for gender non-conformity or a genetic/reproductive epigenetic rationale for transness and/or queer sexuality but like

That nerd ass dweeb part of my mind wants there to be and for it to have a hard reasoning that's like, inherent and "not my fault" like a blood type or color blindness or something despite that kind of thing being against my ethics and belief in people's inherent right to dictate their own identity and presentation and orientation regardless of any truscum "born this way" kinda shit

Feeling real weird about the intersection of the experience of trans sexuality vs dysphoria and the prevelance of eroticized cnc misgendering/emasculation teasing/degradation shit as a form of kink but also gross and weird internal transmisogyny and also weird feelings about trans sexuality and how it intersects with reproductive stuff and the idea of family planning and having children and raising a family with a loving partner, what the differences in relationship dynamics as a trans femme with a cis man vs cis woman vs trans woman vs trans man vs enby/genderqueer partner, etc

::: spoiler sad dysphoria I wish I could be a mother some day

Is that weird? Like even if I got bottom surgery and womb transplants were a thing the idea that I'll never have my own ovum make me feel sad in a really weird and specific way

Also feel weird and sad and like internalized misogyny for feeling like having a masculine cis bf would make me feel better and more comfortable with my own femininity? Like I shouldn't compare myself against other people like that and someone else isn't the barometer for how femme or masc I am or whether or not "I'm really a trans woman" or something else idk

I just wanna hide under a bunch of blankets and nap until I wake up in a body I'm happy with

Feeling in so many aspects of my life a despondent sense of "oh, it's just too late"

I waited too long tiptoeing in and out of the closet

If I'd have been braver and committed fully earlier I might already be in a place where I'm actually happy with myself

There was a window of opportunity there at some point and I feel like I squandered it rotting away in place as a severely depressed hikikomori and now even though I feel more sorted out and confident and capable, there's just too much to fix

I feel like my body vs ideal self is just too much of an unrealistic gap considering where I am now

But I can't un-learn my sense of self and go back in the closet as Normal Guy or even just fruity femme queer dude

The girl toothpaste is out of the girl toothpaste tube but it's like old and expired and I feel like I'm doomed to wander the world alone as a sad gross brick

My own family that I'm out to and think they're cool good allies or whatever still regularly misgender and deadname me all the time despite it being years now

I'm making fucking medical phone calls all the time now after all the injuries and every call is 'hey is this (deadname?)" "yeah this is him" and it hurts my heart every time

The one nurse that saw me before the first broken hand consultation pulled up my record and saw the note about my actual preferred name and my prescription history having spiro and estradiol and was really kind about it but it was so embarrassing but like, only that one stranger that kinda unavoidably had to out me in a medical setting and was good about it and my crush that ghosted me are like, the only people in my life in like 5 fucking years that have even humored my identity or I even could bring myself to give a shit about telling them about myself honestly, like day to day I can't even bother anymore, "yeah sure whatever I'm like a (f-slur) kinda, who gives a shit" :::

I'm noticing my posts on here tend to come in batches. Perhaps I should ponder more about what I want to say before hitting send lmao. I'm such a yapper. Maybe I could fit everything into one big post. Anyway I promise just one last post before bedtime (I'm already up too late 😭 eepy doesn't even begin to describe me)

It's transphobic I don't remember my dreams much. Last time I dreamed I was absolute gender goals and I want to be her again 😭. One day I might achieve dream me IRL but for now I must pray to the dream gods to bless me

Had a dream that could be a CW sitcom idea, daughter of a mafia don, she is trans and psychic. He's fighting off an internal power struggle and her visions might be the only edge he has. But her powers are linked to her euphoria and he's an old fashioned Italian-American mobster.

Can they make it work in time to avoid getting whacked?

I called boob support to report a software issue causing my boobs to pause their growth and they asked me if I've tried turning them off and on again. Am I stupid? I can't seem to find the power switch

I spent a lot of time crying today because I don't know what happened but she's gotten cold and distant. I've been trying to repress and just say, "You don't care about her" to myself, but I think that's doing me more harm than good... I'll be fine and better off embracing the emotions. I was on the fence about ever asking her out anyway, but what makes this worse is that I don't even know if she'll still be my friend, and that's all I ask if nothing else.

The ambiguity also hurts. I have not even the slightest idea what I did, but I apparently did something.

I would like to have a pretty dress to wear that fits me well

The only one I have is a lbd that's too small and makes me feel gross and massive and ugly

I need more swooshy clothes and flowy layer-y kinda tech wear femme gothy kinda fits

::: spoiler depression, suicidal ideation trying to be kind to myself is so hard. i've fucked up a lot of stuff really badly and lost friends because of it, and i keep thinking that it would be so much easier to kill myself than keep trying. im in a weird space where i dont actually want to die, but suicide seems like an easy option. i keep imagining suicide, then i have to imagine stepping away from that. and its taking a toll on me. i really hope this is going to work out :::

Hexbear USSR Enlisted gaymer group?

All babies are cute, don't care how wrinkly, hairless, hairy, anything. They are always cute. I love babies~

I'm having 2 different types of leftover pasta for breakfast and folx, I think this is the perfect weekend dining experience

Kinda outed myself spur of the moment to my physical therapist and she was cool?

Feeling real depleted

Like a pretty good day all in all but holy shit I've been exhausted for months

::: spoiler ADHD meds update So my doctor entirely validated my poor experience on generic Concerta and said she needs to get back into the habit of writing no substitutions on prescriptions, since Concerta specifically is not good as generic and she even said most stimulants are kind of in thst category as well. (In my research online, some people seem to think certain generics are pretty good and others really bad for various ADHD meds)

Also I'm going up in dose again, and she told me to keep drinking coffee since I mentioned I was trying to quit and getting headaches. Apparently - for my physiology, age, and heart situation - a mug of coffee a day is unconcering to her and if I stay on it itll rule out headaches being caused by the medication.

I still have to go back for a third ECG in a month (sensory torture), and while I appreciate them caring for me and making sure that I'm not going to have a sudden infarction, all of the tests and everything feel kinda overkill and I'm very glad that I dont have to pay for any of it.

The brand name medication is expensive and my work insurance only covers up to the cost of the cheapest generic, so I'm probably $100 CAD out of pocket every month or thereabouts if my math is right, which is unfortunate but doable if it means I keep my job and my life can be more in order.

I'm excited for the higher dose. The lower one even made me feel like I'd been living my life in an MRI machine and only just stepped out for the first time. Like its possible to think without extreme tunnel vision. I can hold bigger problems in my head (and code tends to be a lot of interconnected big problems) and the cost of context switching is much lower. :::

::: spoiler some discussion of other vices like impulsivity etc. My urge to organise, partly brought on by the medication, has transformed from a "clean and tidy" urge into a "buy nice things" urge. I have this problem occasionally and I'm not really sure how to keep it under control.

Not helping is that I have overused my wrists and so I'm borderline RSI again so I dont really have a lot I can do to distract myself - both music and games require wrists, and I think the muscle in my thumb is a bit fucked, using a controller for gaming is also painful if I have to use the right analog stick a lot. I think typing on a phone is contributing perhaps if I am holding the phone up with my hands instead of resting them on a surface, as well as doing a Lot More Work the past few weeks. :::

um I dont really know how to end this one, thanks to all who read :)

Going to try leaving my hair rollers in overnight for the first time. Big gamble as I have limited time to fix stuff tomorrow morning, so praying it works out

Finding out the hottest person you seen is a virgin too is very much made me realize I can be hot and still have problems fellow hot people I get it now it's not always greener I was the green one this whole time

::: spoiler gross body stuff My boobs and balls simultaneously hurt, and I feel constipated :::

The fuck you mean working?

::: spoiler weed, dysphoria, sexuality/hangups got Too High™️ and got all weirded out about myself thinking about sexuality stuff and conflicted about a couple kink related things that I feel weird about liking but also thinking they're problematic

Feeling real weird about bodies and sex and gender and socialization in general

Dunno if it'd be a good idea to elaborate more if more explicit details might be weird or inappropriate :::

Great irony in achieving self-consciousness and having pre-existing vocal feminization skills and... very much disliking said feminized voice.

Anyone have guides for altering a feminized voice rather than achieving one in the first place?

When I was a kid I was always intimidated by the nonfiction section in the bookstore but today it’s like

BoJo biography

Alexei Navalny biography

Melania Trump biography

“The Ozempic Revolution”

Was it always this cursed but I was too dumb to notice?

Probably a bunch of fans of them here already but Ekko Astral fucking rock

Their vocalist/frontwoman was on awhile ago to talk about trans rights and her previous work as journalist and the culture inside media about LGBT rights and non discrimination that was interesting but like

This shit fucking rocks

(CW for animal butchering, idk why really but there's footage of deboning a big fish in their backyard?)

Trans femme punk shit with pretty happy trans girls rocking out and being cool? Fuck yeah

::: spoiler cw sex, toys

Well yesterday was a smashing success. I found my new favorite toy; my Domme has a studded crop that is absolutely divine and leaves so many lovely bruises and memories.

:::

Tried a new nail polish tonight, it kinda sucks and I should have gone with my usual purple

Library book I wanted to read but hadn't gotten around to got requested and I can't renew has to go back

I have to learn how to do gel nails

my Goddess omg

(also need more character art of her. any style. there isn't enough out there and she's so fucking cool looking. if someone has skills hit me up)

going to watch that youtube video i've never seen it before. having a goth woman teach me about Ishtar is just the best

starting to put hot sauce in my hummus was one of the best decisions regarding the hummus i've had so far

I used to argue and debate on reddit, on stuff like capitalism v socialism like close to 10 years ago

People would ALWAYS get very offended if you looked at their post history and brought it up. One guy was very libertarian and thought tax cuts help the economy, he was a line cook for a chain restaurant at around 40. Nothing wrong with being a line cook or struggling at 40. But I guess he thought if there were just some tax cuts, maybe he'd finally make it and not have to be a line cook. When I brought up his actual material reality, that he posted presumably of his own will and knowing they were public, he acted like I had publically read from his diary/journal or something. And it went like that, often. The insane racist your debating posts endlessly about a dissatisfying dating life and pointing out the two might be related is an egregious social faux pas. I do wonder if anything's changed

This is actually so unfair. Winter is over and now there's spring weather all of a sudden. I never even managed to get cute cozy winter clothes and now I have to deal with spring attire.

::: spoiler dysphoria Feeling weird about my body and sexuality and making myself sad :::

I'm v irritable and frustrated with life shit and emotional but I just wanted to let you all know how much I appreciate you all and having this place as somewhere I can vent and support other people and feel understood by like-minded ppl that are also queer and GNC when that's practically non-existent for me irl and I usually spend most of my time feeling uncomfortable and unwelcome in a lot of settings

Having somewhere to shoot the shit with other trans and queer ppl with agreeable politics and some similar interests about music or vidya or movies and shows or whatever is so refreshing and has helped me so many times when I was on the verge of breaking down when everything irl started going to shit for me all at pretty much the same time

My life is a fucking mess and I'm really not doing well but you're all so good to me and I can't explain how much I appreciate that and all the kindness and help I've gotten from people here so I just wanted to let you all know how much that means to me and how grateful I am, you're all amazing and I love you and hope everything goes well for everyone and anything that isn't going well improves for you

My boss is making me use microsoft publisher and I hate it.

For this catalogue making process, I would like:

• Less oversight, my engineer boss is rather strict in his tastes but also very unambitious.
• Parameterisation of the main catalogue pages (so I'd set up the main catalogue entries page, then in a database add all the entries, links to images etc. and then make minor adjustments), and then if I need to make any changes across the catalogue, I could just change the template page or even just some variables), I don't even get a template. Editing dimensions and relationships in order would be nice (e.g. if I edit a space between these two lines, everything downstream of those lines would update with the new positions)
• Ability to specifically adjust and distribute row heights and column widths. The GUI thing Publisher forces me to do means I'm just eye-balling, a tedious process that shouldn't exist. Publisher does not have this, everyone is suggesting weird workarounds that do not translate well to doing this 30 fucking times.
• Grouping things would allow me to edit the group without ungrouping, and possibly create a group template with some parameters
• And there's a bunch of things to do with layers, white space on objects making selection hard, not being able to make a line horizontal without eyeballing it, etc etc

Earnestly, I think doing this in Inventor may have actually been better. I am actually a little miffed on behalf of the client, a guy I don't have a particularly high opinion of.

If I had to pick a world to live in it be 1.Sonic Adventure (best vibes) 2.Secret Rings (coolest variety) 3.Sonic Adventure 2 (chao gardens got a lot of memories) 4.Riders (future city/hoverboards are cool) in that ranked order. I know they're supposed to be the same world but it's hard to picture it all unless if you played Big's Big World

Love me some yakuza substories almost as much as the domstories fr tho they wacky but I can't help to get a bitter feeling whenever the punchline is transphobia way I see it everything is canon so skipping them isn't an option and I thought for sure by 0 they wouldn't have any of that but ugh

Zaza got me wanting to give myself a spa day and paint my nails and go thrifting for dresses

Zaza got me showing my mom funny cartoons I like on YouTube like I'm 10

did somebody say ishtar?

::: spoiler Just got my newest lab results back T 142 -> 8 ng/dL
E 75.5 -> 51.6 pg/mL

Uhhh, why did my estradiol go down despite upping my dose? I went from 4mg in tablets to 2x 0.1mg patches to 3x 0.1mg patches. :::

one of those days where we're like "wait so you forced us to exist and are now want us to go do shit for you???" just cant sometimes

I had a dream last night where I was in the intake/sorting process for the afterlife. It was a very pleasant place. It had a near-future aesthetic and lots of technology/screens, as well as a very colorful and warm feeling in a way that I feel like doesn't really exist these days outside children's museums.

It felt like an airport in that everyone was being steered along a line, flanked with different little restaurants and sitting areas, which were operated by people who had already got into heaven. They were totally happy to do it, both to occupy themselves and do a service to others. There were also ushers and a concierge desk to answer questions people might have about the afterlife and how the whole process worked.

So once you get to the front of the line there's a kiosk that takes a sample from your arm and determines if you go to heaven. For whatever reason it's gender-specific, though. I go to the concierge guy and clumsily explain that yeah, I was born as a guy, but that's not what I really felt like and I didn't know what sample station to use. And he's like "oh no problem we can fix that" and took me to a set of large mirrors near the kiosk.

I'm standing in front of the mirror and he does something and suddenly I look like a woman! It wasn't perfect, I think my dream brain could only partially figure how I'd look, but it changed my face and I had breasts and all that. There was also a little weirdness when I inhaled and my body temporarily shriveled up like a vacuum sealed bag to hug my skeleton but I chalk that up to dreams being weird. Apart from the slight disappointment of it not being perfect it was such a wonderful feeling of peace and relief.

After that I didn't go to the kiosk with the sample station for whatever reason, instead I got set up at a computer which had a weird little trivia quiz game where if I scored high enough I'd get into heaven (or super heaven if I did really well). The game reminded me of something you'd find on a library computer, very early 2000s coded. I started the game and then stepped away to hang out in a cafe and when I came back it turned out there was a time limit so I was doing horribly. But my IRL coworker was at another computer next to me and she told me I could go to the concierge and explain and they'd reset it for me. Also the concierge gave me a little printout to give to my coworker that said she got a B on the trivia game which meant she'd go to heaven.

I've had dreams like this before that were notably tenser. The setting would be a lot more ethereal and the threat of going to hell was much more real. If you didn't live a good enough life to get into the super heaven instead of normal heaven, you could gamble to get in, but if you lost you'd get sent to hell forever. So obviously I would never gamble and instead choose to get reincarnated which would increase my chances of going to super heaven next time.

Anyway I've been stressing recently about if I'm actually faking being trans and just desperately looking for something to ascribe all my problems to, so this felt like a sign from my subconscious that it's real and that makes me happy.

Lower lip is almost perfectly smooth today. I love laser. Kill those follicles.

How come no one told me Babylon 5 was this good? I'm like halfway through season one. I've been looking for something like this for a while

Just got some cute dresses at a local trans clothing swap

ok in the interest of stretching out a bit here i just want to say I played tens of hours of Factorio with my gf this weekend. Here are some bullet points:

• she is great and I love her
• wow the game is a lot more fun when you're sharing it with someone
• Wireguard didn't work for LAN play over the internet so I had to port forward
• robots are so good omg
• we are gonna do more tonight... I have to fix the plastics because our oil system of placing a billion tanks backed up with heavy oil since we dont use enough lubricant
• I made her cannon shells for her tank
• I have spent years playing this game and I got locked into a certain way of doing things which is kind of boring but I like how she brings new ideas in
• I need help on the other planets and she is very creative so im excited to see what comes of it

I wanna keep sleeping but keep having rough nightmares about body hair, bears and scary third thing I can't remember probably piss or something. Just feeling exhausted rn

I'm so ready for spring break. This gay lil lady needs a gay lil break

Homer (the Greek guy) was apparently blind. Would explain why he picked wine-dark as the colour of the sea and bronze as the colour of the sky

Finally broke out the dumbells I got for Christmas to do some home workout this morning. Dunno if it's been from not going to the gym in while, or muscle mass loss from HRT, but I definitely feel a bit weaker. On the other hand, working out in a sports bra and dancing to my music in between sets is super gender affirming.

Throwing another removed (me) on the gay pile.

Darkly funny that Australia for Eurovision is like "Okay so our heartfelt First Nations electronic music bombed hard last year, I don't know? A sexier Tom Cardy impersonator singing a song about milkshakes and ejaculation?"

Fuck it's going to do so well.

::: spoiler anxiety tics All of my centering methods/tics for when I have anxiety involve flicking or snapping my fingers, but I've been growing my nails out and now I can't do them without scratching myself ._.

Guess I'll have to try and adjust them so they just use my lesbian nails :::

I was thinking about the Spanish classes I used to take and how I would stunlock myself thinking about the fem pronouns and articles lol. I'm just now realizing I've pronoun stunlocked myself in multiple languages 😭

nothing will ever happen, jack

A benefit of not sleeping all night is you can have pizza for breakfast, hell I may even crack a beer lol

I was just thinking about the phrase “jump on the bandwagon” and I started wondering what the hell a bandwagon actually is. Is there a band playing on the wagon? Or is this more like a 19th century band tour bus or something? Also why does everyone want to get on it? How does it fit all these people?

So many questions and so few answers.

Feeling real today

::: spoiler another weed shitpost, some addiction/mental health stuff and some dysphoria/euphoria weird combo feel good lord I am high as shit lmao

Honestly my mental health has been so much better since quitting booze and becoming a stoner

Zaza got me interoceptively perceiving my interior ideal body underneath my current actual dysphoric physical body

Smoking that "heard your internal monologue in your voice and then got big sad about not having voice training and not being able to actually speak like that

Like I feel more mentally comfortable with my sense of self lately at the same time that I feel viscerally more physically dysphoria

Like my better understanding of self and identity just made me that much more uncomfortable with how my body is currently

I just wanna be pureeeee :::

Fun Fact about Ishtar :

Ishtar is a member of the Opposite Senshi who appeared in Sailor Moon: Another Story. Ishtar is the Opposite Senshi counterpart of Sailor Venus. Named after the Babylonian fertility goddess, Ishtar is not particularly smart, nor powerful, and was recruited only because she followed Nabu, but considers herself Shaman Apsu's favorite and fights solely to win her approval.

Saw some really pretty art decoish nail stickers/stencils, so putting together an outfit idea around that aesthetic. Wish I had the confidence for a dress and heels, but I am currently looking at: white blouse with a black&gold waist belt, black dressy pants, heeled ankle boots/booties, gold and black velvet choker and maybe a cardigan or other outerwear layer. And then of course, black nails with gold nail art.

Now I just have to hope the nails come out smooth enough so the nail art doesn't look bumpy.

Finishing up my kettlebell exercise for the day.

Whenever I exercise I get so reflective

I should change my entire life

Came out to my team in a team meeting today. Boss was very supportive and right their with me helping me out. I think it went well? A few people has questions, but no one was dismissive or hostile. Not a ton of open enthusiasm or congratulations, but they're all quiet people and not from the US (one woman is from Iran and the rest of the team is from India.) Feels nice to have it off my chest at least, and I feel freer to present more femme in the office.

So, I am agonizing over coming out at work (at least to my team). My boss works remote, but she is in town for dinner, and she has been very supportive. My team respects me and rely on me, so I don't think they would treat me poorly regardless. I've been dressing kinda femme at work pretty frequently, as well as wearing makeup and (tasteful) jewelry, so this probably wouldn't come out of nowhere for them. Still, I am worried about gossip and getting outed.

music monday

what are you listening to? ft. my mess of a collage

Made a sadpost in the general mega, would appreciate some thoughts if anyone is up for reading a long really lonely sad thing

I have an episode of futurama on while I work on something, but it's been a while since I've watched it. I feel like I'm laughing at it and enjoying it so much more than I used to, which is great because I already considered it my favorite show. Is this an estrogen thing?

If I was a bee I'd be the kind of bee I'd be proud of 🐝

Am I being ridiculous or would Corollary be a super cute girl name?

Love 2 have insomnia until like 4am then get woken up by a medical scheduling phone call like at 9am unable to go back to sleep

It's really easy to escape into fantasy. It shouldn't be that easy, but it is. I need to put the fantasy back on the shelf and continue engaging with everyone in my life.

Spring is a good reason to some new cute clothes, so I'll at least engage with my life in that way. It's not much, but it's a start and it keeps me grounded.

If severance was a real thing, I'd rather be the innie. Have some poor compartmentalized version of me deal with home life, sucker. Wonder if they'd let me swing that, the outie is the new person.

There were plenty of times in my life where I stayed crazy late after work, like starting at 5 am and not leaving until midnight - all so I could avoid going home and dealing with my ex. Or driving home, stopping a couple blocks and waiting an hour or two. Even at my current job, there were times earlier I wished I didn't have to go home and deal with my emotions during time off.

::: spoiler stoned nerdy Dracula shitpost

Zaza got me listening to Mongolian throat singing looking up 8 string guitars on Reverb

Smoking on that pink Subanese crystalline shard, shit got that Needler super combine

Smoking that Thel Vadam Sangheili Kaidon Arbiter of the Covenant "were it so easy" Prophet's Bane active camo pack

The weed will have you in purgatory screaming for eternity. You will relive every key mistake you've ever made in your life. Over, and over, and OVER.

Zaza got me talking like a Twilek NPC in Knights of the Old Republic. Smoking that "mooka shaka paka" pack, shooting like HK-47

Pulled out the Mandalorian Disintegrator, put his ass in a to-go box.

This poodoo ain't nothing to meesa Ani :::

Have a weird interaction with my old best friend I reconnected with and not really sure what to make of it

::: spoiler awkward maybe? Best friend is like a sibling to me, love them a lot but it was never romantic

Catch up over text, mentions their partners they're dating, they're dating each person but those two aren't dating each other

Says one of their partners reminds them a lot of me?

A) that partner is a guy, dunno what to make of that, they probably just meant personality wise?

B) like, they're dating and we never did and just that thought makes me kinda uncomfortable

They said they thought of me every day we weren't in contact too and it's been 5 years

I don't really know what to think here other than I'm very glad to be back in touch with them but there's a lot there and hopefully I'm just reading way too much into an innocuous comparison and they didn't mean anything by it but hmm :::

Bishonen potion, they should invent that but for real

I found YouTube links in your post. Here are links to the same videos on alternative frontends that protect your privacy:

Link 1:

• yewtu.be
• inv.nadeko.net
• yt.artemislena.eu
• piped.video

Link 2:

• yewtu.be
• inv.nadeko.net
• yt.artemislena.eu
• piped.video