I talked about this on tracha but never officially posted on the mega and so I thought I should mention: as of February 18th, 2025, I am officially on T!

Hi, I’m new here

broke: transitioning is about presentation and performance

woke: transitioning is about fixing the neurological disconnect between brain and body with hormones

bespoke: transitioning is about shifting your center of mass

::: spoiler immaturity orgasm denial with a girl on hrt for a long time call that microsoft edging :::

got gendered correctly at the start of my shift

didn't get misgendered once

today's alright, girls

Doubling up on she/hers just because I can

hi transgenders im a high transgender

there are 2 kinds of transfems

Sometimes It's weird to think about existing day to day as a trans person while influential people constantly want to threaten your existence. Like today I went to work and picked up my HRT refill and life was just fine in my small bubble. Meanwhile, the worst executive orders continue to be pushed.

I'm not really sure how much attention is appropriate? Eventually it shifts from staying informed to doomscrolling. I'm not sure I've figured out where that line is yet.

Wtf, I didn’t get visions.

I was just a kind of an awkward and quiet/shy kid in high school.
I never really pursued dating or romance or hookups.
I started talking more to strangers online from websites and forming a friend group and that’s kind of where a lot of questioning began.

I had until that point always assumed I was straight because I was attracted to girls, but I began having seemingly romantic feelings for one of my guy friends online.
He would like pseudo-flirt with me and it gave me butterflies.
I remember looking up yaoi at one point to see if it did anything for me and it did (from the art style it seemed kind of dated even for the time I wonder if I can track it down).
I also came to the realization that all the times I had been watching or reading or looking at straight porn I had been subconsciously self-inserting as the woman instead of the man.

“Huh, I must be like…bi or gay or something” I thought

I began online dating said internet friend and my life as a lil’ gay boy began.
There was a brief time in high school where I had tried to be more “manly” (as much as a wimp at 5’3 can at least), but that had came to an end at this point and I think some people took notice.
I had two friends who were bisexual (a boy and a girl) and I would kind of joke to them about certain male celebrities being cute…I never explicitly came out to either of them (about sexuality or gender identity),but in retrospect I think it was kind of obvious, they would tease me and say how cute it was when I got mad

Anyway, the online romance continued with the friend online and we had kind of developed a thing where we would post characters from a yuri ship with each of us sort of being represented by one of the girls.
Another one of our friends at the time noticed this and asked me at one point if I was trans in a DM.
I kind of laughed it off and just said it was a cute thing we did because we related to the characters.

Fast forward a couple days, maybe a week and I’m playing Runescape.
I’m doing the Recruitment Drive quest and get to the part where you have to change your character’s gender to a girl at the Make-Over Mage in order to beat a boss.
I keep playing for a bit as a girl because I don’t have the money to change back yet and I want to continue the quest line, but every time someone calls me she/her or the old knight calls me “lass” it gives me pause.
I remember picking up my phone and responding to the old message from my other friend and just going “….maybe”

So yeah,
That’s my story about how Yuri and Yaoi plus RuneScape transed my gender

I don't know if people really realize how long positive human interaction sticks with me. I helped someone find a person in my department today and she was so friendly that I've been thinking about it all day reliving it lol. I'm trying to figure out what I'm starved of that that felt notable to me. Is that what it feels like for a girl to treat you like a girl? Is that the difference? It's not like people are mean to me all day every day

i love my wife

I know I’m trying to turn a new page and stuff, but I still kind of feel a sense of shame/embarrassment that people I went to high school with saw me in a skirt and frilly blouse even tho they were all cool with it seemingly.

People seem to keep gendering me correctly tho.
Went to lunch with my mom and the waitress referred to us as “ladies” and the flight attendant at the airport called me “Miss last name”

Wish ashinadash was still posting here I miss her deep dives into weird trans litterature

General mega just doesn't hit the same as the trans mega.

Very transphobic that armpits and pubes are the most annoying places to shave and are also the only places that don't get any easier with HRT.

Being cute is pretty cute ngl

An auspicious new mega thread, for I have secured the oestrogen and placed it into my body today.

flying back later today, all of the in-laws were so lovely and welcoming (though as someone from a small family it was kinda overwhelming lmao). gonna be sad to leave so soon but i do kinda miss sleeping in my own bed

Oh look i'm back.

Reminded me of some of yall:

trans girl found to be permanently eepy, no longer considered woke

Multiple people have called my new, androgynous voice "cute," including someone I'm cwushing on

A shrimp Friday’d this Rice

smoked the weed that... makes you want to do chores around the house?

THE MEGAS ARE STICKIED AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

thank you for sharing that story estradoll it's absolutely beautiful. really touched me and warmed my heart. brings me joy to see you really being yourself on here the last year or so.

::: spoiler Depressing transphobia doomerism stuff I think the intense amount of shit to worry about right now being trans in America is slowly making me a bad person. It's really hard to still want good things for this society, and I'm even having a hard time being sympathetic to my friends and family because their problems seems so light compared to dealing with the stripping of my rights, the possible loss of my healthcare (which will kill me), and the massive dehumanization by the state and media. I just feel like I'm a shell of a person at this point and its hard to get myself to keep caring about fighting for the good of everyone. :::

It’s definitely a second puberty because I’m listening to Nirvana a lot again

it's crazy that people don't aspire to work less (until they're retired and their body is broken down and they have to figure out some kind of hobbies)

like, i would see an increase in productivity and think "wow, now we can all work less and still produce enough for everyone". instead of "we must continue working the same so line can go up"

openly transfemme co-worker moving across country with little planning/some resources, no job lined up. taking her bestie with her who is also my manager lol. so work is gonna be rough as my very young, former assistant tries to take over while we are down two full timers

She probably made an iffy decision short term (no job, little planning, no experience living on her own) but great long term (going to a place that might be the last bastion of many things, both social, economic and climate related)

promised her friend my old PC. with parts taking forever to get in stock i'm going to have my new one ready at the last possible second before they roll out

at least they have a place to stay lined up found through an LGBT friendly network.

edit: i am happy for her. she has a supportive family she lives with, the move is get to a state that hopefully protects her medical rights better. i wish her luck and hope her cis friend (my x manager) keeps his shit together

At my company, it's pretty easy to see who leaves the company and when, and there have been quiet layoffs over the past week or so. Since last Thursday, about 20% of the people leaving the company were trans people getting laid off. :yea:

painted my nails again for the first time in like a year :)

::: spoiler Ancient Roman Dominatrix be like... CW Horny ..."Look at that penis it's so big and pathetic" :::

a beauty

::: spoiler CW: death in the family My grandma passed away last night.

She was stable, and then she wasn't.

It hurts so bad. :::

::: spoiler genital dysphoria I like being trans because if I were cis I would probably not explore gender as much as I do now and would miss a whole dimension to life & identity. But it sucks that I’ll never have functional male genitalia :::

how do you go about meeting trans people in your area? I'm not really interested in dating (though I am open to it 👀), I just want to meet other people who may have had similar experiences to mine

it it weird to seek out explicitly trans people in the first place? 🤔

I might’ve had my first certified bimbo moment folx. I got in my car, and started looking myself in the mirror. I end up doing this for a few minutes, and when I’m done, realize I don’t know where the key is. I spend a few more minutes looking for it, and once I decide it might be under the seat, I open the door to get out, and all the doors unlock. I sit there confused and a bit worried for a near full minute, until I remembered this car does that when you open a door and the key is already in the ignition!

being an engineer feels like being a lapdog of my country

Transition update:

I've got breasts now!

Fat distribution is still in early stages, but I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror while showering this morning and didn't feel completely terrible.

Voice training is slow going, owing to how little I speak in my day to day life.

On a less excited note: my HRT prescription is tangled in local bureaucracy right now as neither the gender service or local GP are sure who's supposed to be writing the prescriptions. This is an ongoing issue that I intend to settle once and for all this week.

Got 'mija'd by my mom just now while cooking beans, said it before but there's something nice about spanish pronouns and stuff like that. Don't know if anyone else can relate to pronoun usage in different language here tho but if you do please confirm what I'm feeling. Also wondering if the pronouns stuff is ever like ella but not she/her if that makes sense.

Should I wear a skirt to the marriage registry even though all my documents say I am male?

2024

I knew this past year was just a long dream

::: spoiler very gay Yesterday was so lovely. One of my crushes was really cuddly and gave me the best scritches you can imagine. She's so sweet and makes me feel so at home and comforted and just all around lucky when she holds me. It's nice how we're slowly growing closer to each other without rushing anything. Speaking of which, it feels as if that goes for me and a lot of the other girls as well. People are just acting more and more flirty towards me. Our local goat girl even started headbutting me. I think i need to learn some brat taming so i know how to react to that when she does that next time lmao.

Later we decided to move from the queer café to the city's latest transfem commune. I mean, it's not entirely transfem, one of the girls is cis, but we managed to completely assimilate her. She passes really well, with that candy colored hair and her stereotypically transfem chosen name, she's even got the bright post-transition smile now that she's gotten out of a really toxic relationship. After a while she started making out with a friend (and former and maybe future FWB) of mine who's been crushing on her for some time now and then they disappeared to have moderately noisy sex and i felt so happy for them. They're hillarious together, too. As was the rest of the gang. It feels like a dream to meet all these wonderful people, everybody's so hot and so clever and so crafty. And i guess i'm one of them.

It's such a weird time to be alive. There's this constant threat hanging over us with yesterday's election results and simultaneously, everybody is radicalizing and getting their fighting spirit up and we all try so much harder to live our best lifes as long as we still can. It's not always easy with all the drama, but there's this sense of moving closer together so we can be there for one another in all the ways we need. Everybody's stocking up on DIY supplies, everybody's hooking up, everybody's reaching out more for one another and getting more supportive. Are we just becoming one big polycule, or are we becoming an underground network of gender dissidents that weathers the coming storms together? :::

whappen?

Had my deviated septum fixed and just got the splints taken out... I can smell sound!

Fuuuuuuuuuck if I get a collar people who aren't as cool as me will think less of me :/ Also can't wear a collar st work so that sucks

::: spoiler this week on me being gay I got some unxpected cuddles today. My gal pal and my crushes couldn't make it to the bar (and all of them give really outstanding cuddles!) and i complained to my gal pal's gal pal about it and she was like "then why are you sitting across from me on the other side of that table?" and we ended up hugging and cuddling and giving headpats to each other. So yeah, now i'm wondering if we're just gonna stay metamours or if this will lead to ... damn, that could lead to some really wild stuff with her and our mutual gal pal and me. Also she's pretty hot and everybody keeps talking about what an amazing lover she is and i'm beginning to think they're on to something. :::

I love being a strong gender fucky transfem. That is all.

I feel like I’m in a weird place where I still don’t like how I look, but I think I probably pass.

It's wild that it really wasn't that long ago since I was a completely unaware "cis" person coming in here asking super confused questions. I've come so far. I feel like a completely different person

::: spoiler Trans positivity, but dysphoria triggering to some I love that I can't get pregnant. It's so nice. There's a lot of focus on what we don't have and the sadness that comes from it, but for me not getting pregnant or having period is a total upgrade.

Not that I have the any of the equipment for pregnancy anyway lol, but either way, it's nice to never worry about. This is a very nice part of being trans that my girlfriend and I were recently talking about how much we enjoy. :::

I swear to the gods I’m going to have to force myself to get clothes. I’ve been coasting by too long on the nerdy mom look for too long. I need a dress or two. I need someone to incessantly poke me until I actually do it. Fucking five years on HRT and I haven’t done this yet wtf is wrong with me. (I own only women’s clothing, but it’s all nerdy ass shit with jeans, with a couple tank tops that probably don’t fit anymore)

life as a girl is just better, even if it means I'm the ugliest and weirdest girl to ever live

Any one here use neopronouns irl, and/or have a gender identity that's not a "traditional" one (is there a better term for that? seems kinda wrong but idk what word to use. I mean genders beyond those relating to being feminine, masculine, partially one or both of those, a mix of those, neither of those, halfway between those, etc. I mean genders like "cat" or "love")?

How did you figure that out/ choose? Like my whole life I've been surrounded by people whose gender is woman and who use she/her. Being a man and using he/him was not working for me, so trying out woman and she/her was an easy choice, it was an option that was there. I already have a concept of what those mean. But I'm definitely not a woman either, and while she feels better than he, I'm not sure that she is right either. I use the term nonbinary, but that doesn't feel sufficient for me (just for me personally here!). Like it's true I'm not on the gender binary, but that just says what my gender is not. I want a term that says what my gender is, and pronouns that go along with that. And the idea of using neopronouns and totally breaking away from tradition appeals to me. But what is my gender? I'm not sure, and I'm not sure how to go about figuring that out. Gender is very mysterious.

And for those who use neopronouns, what's your experience been like trying to get people to use them?

Also, hi Hexbear trans comrades!! This is my first post after trying to touch grass for a bit (didn't work, lol)

broke: working out to "improve" your "health"

woke: working out so you can look good in a lacy tank top

S A D B O Y S

SEE ME IN THE CLUB WITH IT TATTED ON MY CHEST

drag king called henry kissing her

::: spoiler body stuff I trimmed my belly and chest hair and it made me feel worse. I feel like I look even more like a dude somehow. I really, really hoped that would go differently.

Also I wish I could tell my partner that I’m trans but every time I’ve gotten close she’s said something like “I’m glad you’re a man, you wouldn’t look good as a woman” and like, that really sucks. I know she thinks of herself as pro-trans, but I worry that, despite her mentioning that she might be bi, the bi-ness and pro-trans-ness wouldn’t extend to me being… idk, whatever I am. :::

smoked the weed that... reactivated my booba?

Guys would rather go to therapy than accept help opening a jar

I feel like if I am going to truly “boy no mo” I might have to do something about my stupid boy voice

friday rice

does anyone else here store their weed with their horomones

::: spoiler complaining about clothing, body dysphoria

Fuck these clothing companies. All womens clothing seems to be made for only hourglass shapes and you can't have any amount of a tummy in order to wear it the way they show it off in their photos.

Like I don't care about being chubby, its just frustersring not having any hips yet, along with too close to a beer belly, and even further frusterating that even if I fit had a more estogenized body these clothing companies wouldn't be making clothing sized for me. :::

::: spoiler CW: old timey transphobia

this person is a man, a woman and somewhat of a lunatic

so real :::

carly rae jepsen has embraced mao zedong thought

Goddamn it prog and E where the fuck are my tears? i need to SOB goddamn it, I have shit to LAMENT and DREAD. I'm getting blue (eye)balled with how i feel emotionally like I'm going to cry but physically the tears never start.

I keep remembering how she looks at me. The way her face lights up when i enter the room and that wonderful smile comes on. I can't stop thinking of her and frankly, i don't want to. She's a miracle.

Gotta turn my plushies around when I wanna be evil 😈

::: spoiler ranting/venting/dooming This thread is one of the more doomer thoughts I've had recently. The thought things may not get better in another four years. And why would they. Why would I ever think things would get better.

I feel so alone. I have nothing to talk about. I feel like I am on an island. Alien. Isolated.

It feels like there is nothing here for me. Life was already too much for me without dealing with this stuff. I can't. I'm broken.

I am a waste. Sorry for taking up your time.

I'm too weak to do this. I was right to think how strong trans people are, how I never could do that. I can't. I can't do this. I can't live as a trans person. ::: spoiler dysphoria/problematic language/whatever I wish I was born a girl. I wish I wasn't in some disgusting man. I hate this and have no idea how I will be comfortable again. I won't be.

I am incredibly bitter and sad about my voice and facial hair, no nothing you say is going to change that unfortunately. Fucking destroyed. I already know all the things you could say (about facial hair/voice) and it doesn't help. Sorry.

And I'm just so alone. I had been talking with a friend a lot- lately that's been a lot less. I hope we aren't already drifting apart. I mean, I understand. Why would you want to be around me. What do I offer. Especially lately. ::: spoiler sh 3 weeks clean right now. It feels close. Its felt close for days. I can't do this. :::

::: spoiler exercise, mental health Ive been doing 100 kettlebell swings for 5 days in a row now. Its a great posterior chain exercise and helps with . Ive been feeling it most in my abs, glutes, hamstring, thighs, and forearms. Its just an easy 10 pound bell while I work on getting the form right and building up endurance. Doing exercise more consistently is important for emerging out of depression, I always feel so much better mentally and physically whenever I work out, not to mention how much it helps with sleep

Program has been just to do 10 swings then take a break for as long as I feel before doing 10 more, as the days go on I need less rest time and my form feels better. Exercise is so important for feeling in tune with your body and being graceful. I have a 25 pound bell that I'll move onto when I can do the 100 swings with 10 pounds fairly quickly with a good form. So far it takes me about 45 minutes to do all 100

::: spoiler mild spicy Also great for thrusting power :::

Had a lot of fun at a trans mutual aid fundraiser rock show. Got a lot of compliments for my outfit. Didn't meet too many people since I was a bit nervous about breaking the ice, but I did meet the organizer and frontwoman of the headliner band. She was really cool!

::: spoiler cw: transphobia Got "sir'd" when going through a drive-thru despite a full face of femme makeup. Sucks :::

it's been 22 years since dnd 3.5 was released ~im~ ~so~ ~old...~

::: spoiler dating

I have a date in a few days... When I posted that personal i never thought id get this far And multiple people have responded which is good but also ohfuckohfuck i have to talk to people

But overall feeling desireable which is pretty great and i get to go on cute dates with cute people

I'm surprised there's so few in game furries in cyberpunk games and ttrpgs. Feels like a missed opportunity. Maybe that's why shadowrun is the most popular cyberpunk ttrpg

hello

I have heard that estrogen can cause you to lose a shoe size; does anyone know what the mechanism of this is?

Pulled out my biology knowledge to make a punnet square, turns out I'm all dominant traits checks out tbh

I got a choker but it isn't large enough to fit around my neck Even if I could fit it on it would be literally choking me so that sucks

As always,

::: spoiler spoiler down with cis :::

My genders are:

naked Sci-fi smuggler Fantasy wanderer Jesse Pinkman (current)

What I mean by this is

I still remember the stuff you posted when it finally clicked. I was really happy for you. Plus it's always fun seeing an egg crack in real time.

Saw this hot buff chinese lady eat a scoop of protein powder and drink water to get it down tried it and immediately started choking. Tried it again afterward and choked again, I'll try it one more time since it seems so efficient and she seemed so buff

Idk I'm not even getting any interviews so might as well get back to painting my nails and using some eye shadow. Now that woke DEI is gone can't show up looking gay af anymore and be handed a cushy position

::: spoiler bad brain Think I'm manic and have barely been able to sleep in like a week and keep getting CPTSD flashbacks and every time I DO sleep I get layered nightmares where I wake up panicked and confused about what was real and what wasn't.

::: spoiler combat PTSD REQUESTING ADJUST FIRE MISSION, DANGER CLOSE, MY COMMAND, SEND IT

COPY, SHOT

Splash.

Rounds complete.

Repeat as per my last?! :::

you never see the term 'faceroll' anymore

Used Kit/Kits for a bit now but I think I'm puppy pilled now. But like its somehow not in a petplay way so I am very confused

Remember seeing you post about getting targeted ads specifically targeted at women on YouTube and joking that the YouTube algorithm was trying yo trans you, and here we are and I'm happy it was successful o7

new gender spectrum dropped

::: spoiler cw: genitalia, dysphoria, tucking The tomboyX tucking underwear that I had used yesterday at the show was too loose, and I am pretty sure that my tuck wasn't maintained at all. It was dark, and my pants weren't all too tight so I doubt anyone noticed, but it makes me feel really embarrassed and gross thinking about it. :::

i feel so shit ugh

Medium keeps jump scaring me with TERF like headlines that pivot into being allyship.

Literally stuff like “a trans woman came into the woman’s bathroom and I was upset…how anxious she was because of our current political climate”

Like I appreciate the sentiment but also do different headlines.

::: spoiler cw racism (maybe this should go in the self crit comm? But im more comfy here...)

So, you cant be racist to white people under hegemonic whiteness, right? Like, so-called racism against white people is a reaction to racism agaisnt bipoc people, thats just how it is as far as i can tell

But my friend claims she was discriminated against because she was white... Passed up for promotions, treated poorly, excluded from work opportunities, etc. And she got pretty upset when I expressed that its not racism, its a reaction to racism. I told her it sucks, its not "fair", but that its not racism, its a reaction to racism. Racism is enacted by the hegemonic race against minorities, with a sliding scale of conditional membership to the hegemonic race. In our experience where we live, its hegemonic whiteness, with sliding conditional whiteness.

Am i off base here? How do I integrate her experiences with my understanding of racism? Cause i dont want to invalidate her amd her experiences, but i also dont think she experienced racism, she experienced a reaction to racism and prefferential treatment of bipoc people over her. And yes thats because of race, but its not racism, its a reaction to racism. Literally it just sounded like affirmative action plus some people on the work site being pissed with whiteys in general.

Anyway, thanks for listening to me.

Edit: its basically my same thoughts about misogyny vs misandry, where so called misandry is just a reaction to misogyny...

In too much pain to sleep

Need sleep to alleviate the pain and heal

Ordering some protein bars, and I had to stop myself from getting a pair of skeleton arm warmers. They don't fit the outfit that I am working on, and I am not going to wear them anytime soon.

Also, grandma is doing better. Long term prognosis is still not great, but she's getting out of the ICU. That also means that I can go to a trans mutual aid fundraiser party/music show this week. Been trying to put together an outfit for that. I like my leather jackets, but they are pretty boyish so I ordered some PU leather women's jackets to try. Also trying to figure out bottoms for the outfit. For the top, I got a tank top printed from one of my favorite artists who has a Redbubble store. Unfortunately, they don't make women's tank tops in my size, so the result isn't super flattering, but I was able to find a bralette that fits me okay and has thin enough straps that can be hid under the tank top straps. I also noticed that tying a knot in the back of the tank seemed to help with the shape, so I guess I should just order some clothes pins and see if I can make some more subtle adjustments. Also have to resist the temptation to get new boots.

Me waiting for my nipples to be bigger than a grain of rice

i did "friday rice" unknowingly are we supposed to eat rice on friday?

::: spoiler extremely sad/bitter/bleak venting sorry probably don't want to read this TBH but I don't think I'm in acute crisis if that's a concern Don't think crush is gonna get back to me

Think I blew it

I mean I'll hold out hope for awhile but ahhhh God why please just let one good thing happen to me

I really thought she liked me

Am I just that oblivious and wanted to see what I wanted to see? If I'm that dense and weird then I'm probably just gonna stay alone as long as I can imagine and I don't think I can deal with that on top of everything else going to shit in almost every other way for me

Had a breakdown the other night over the SECOND OTHER major hand injury when I thought she would get back to me and I might see her soon just ugly crying and hysterically laughing like Walt in the crawlspace because I just wanted to be able to hold her hand and now I can't even if she wanted to for weeks and weeks and God fuck everything

I have no idea what I ever did to deserve being in this much physical and emotional pain but I have a lot more sympathy for people with long term physical disabilities and more severe addiction issues than I do because fuck, I get it now

I know it was stupid and unrealistic and unfair to her to put this much personal emotional weight into someone that's practically a stranger still but fuckkk I really thought there was something special there and now waiting with no clue if I just weirded her out and she went no contact might lead me to liver failure

I can't even play games or read a book or hold my cats or go to the gym with my fucked up hands and I feel like I have nothing and everything is a mess and I'm just a miserable pathetic fucking piece of shit and I'm so fucking angry at myself and my parents and everything that's lead me to this place that I can't sleep or sit still and the headaches and jaw tension pain and tinnitus on top of everything else are unbearable enough on their own even if I didn't have the hand pain and flu and depression and alcoholism and generalized anxiety and autism shit

I can't groom myself or take a shower since I can't get either hand wet

I can't cook or clean and can only eat finger food with one hand with just my index and thumb

I can barely dress myself and go to the bathroom

Thank fuck he's almost dead now, that wretched piece of shit, but I'll fucking hate my goddamn disaster of a dad the rest of my fucking life for everything that caused all this

I'm glad he's in pain, he fucking deserves it

I hope it's quick and excruciating for him :::

current emotional state/mental health has me wondering if i need a therapist or a priest . probably both

I need to buy cute girl clothes so I can be cute, but I’m too indecisive and don’t want to buy something that won’t work

So I made a thing: https://tracha.vision/ It runs on Owncast which is basically self hosted Twitch and has some fediverse integration (like tho I haven’t started using that). Gonna start using it for movies/games streaming. If anyone has ideas and wants to use it for anything, please feel free to let me know.

Anyone know anything about / have experience with epilators vs electric razors? I heard they may get longer lasting results like waxing without damaging the skin or being as painful, but idk if that's just marketing hype?

::: spoiler depressed As lonely as I am, I don't know if I'm emotionally available enough for like a relationship relationship... but holy fuck do I ever need someone to just like cuddle with every few days or so :::

Have a day to myself, had planned to row or shoot some erotica or both, but it's so hot (especially in the room where I do either), I'm so sleepy, I think I might just write off the rest of February playing some Skyrim and get started again in March

To be more positive than my previous here, actually can play vidya still

If I use a little dumbbell to hold a page down can probably read a book without getting too pissed off about it

@KatGirl@chapo.chat About where to buy a collar, perhaps a pet store would be your style😏

i just took my first adhd med and im really nervous but im telling myself it'll be fine

Does Zenless Zone Zero have actual visible Yuri or is it just fanon? All the Yuri I've seen of the game looks cute as hell buy I don't want to play the fame if it isn't overt

Checked suppliers again and it seems genuinely impossible to get prog where I live I know not everyone likes it or notice any effects, but it would have been nice to try it for a while to see how I feel about it

We had a mom bring some of her other kids in today, they were so cute!! I love little kids. My fav patients may be teens and older kids, but babies and little kids are pretty adorable

Keep dreaming about math

Viruses are transphobic. I'm supposed to be celebrating my birthday with my partner today

Thought I got through my fertility preservation stuff without paying too much :clueless:

$700 bill shows up in the clinic online portal

It's not crazy in the grand scheme of things, I was prepared to pay about that much if not more, and I have a 0% APR credit card to stick it on at the moment. But that week long period of thinking I wasn't on the hook was swaggg

::: spoiler weirdly gender affirming Had Curly jump up in my lap and start making biscuits

Said something like "aww you sweet boy, you love your mama don't you?"

Then was like, "wait I knew their mom when they were born and know their dad as a local feral tomcat"

"Guess that makes me 'cat guardian' as an enby parent term??"

And like, hell yeah I'll take that :::

I somehow completely missed that @Ho_Chi_Chungus@hexbear.net had evolved into @EstraDoll@hexbear.net. Is this what happened to the 26k inactive accounts?

::: spoiler dysphoria but funny kinda? tfw you updated your old 360 avatar but you can't update the profile info so you're femme now but the account still shows your deadname and you can't change it lmao :::

So I created another Skyrim character last night. I have been playing 3-4 characters at the moment with different play styles, motives, behaviours etc. The Dwemer Obsessed Breton. The dunmer lesbian Vampire queen. The Kindly Orc Paladin. And a redguard duelist/pirate (but I haven't done much with him). I downloaded Snowden a really cute cottage across the the river from Windhelm and I decided I should probably make a Dragonborn character (all of my other characters haven't done any of the main quest or are alternative starts).

I made Afnhi the Clever, a Nord starting in Kynesgrove (visiting her friend Roggi Knot Beard in my head). Today I realised the character's appearance both 1. Looks like Hunter Schafer and 2. Looks like the female version of Ingmarek my Nord Battlemage from about 7 or 8 years ago. Which is funny. She lives in the little cottage. I'm going to make her a Stormcloak supporter initially (and their champion in the contest creation) who then once dragons attack realizes it's pointless and forces a lasting truce in Seasons Unending.

I initially called her "the Brave", but I used the Console to change it to "the Clever" because I've been using the pet spider to snare high level enemies in the web traps and then shooting them full of magic arrows I've found. So she's still a heavy armor, soon to be voice-wielding warrior, but more cunning and a bit of a trickster.

Well, both of the pu leather jackets I ordered are kinda bad. One definitely needs to be returned, and I am torn on the other.

::: spoiler Kittenposting 💕🐈‍⬛🐈‍⬛🐈‍⬛🐈‍⬛💕

:::

I feel like the first Twilight movie has a campiness the others don’t

Where the heck do you hecking buy hecking girl’s clothes online?

At work I had some teen whine about inability to grow facial hair, wasn't sure what to say minus my usual I grew a few inches in college story.

I had a job interview for a position as medical secretary and looking at the others there I totally overdressed, funny when I think of my last interview it was basically Balzac not even properly dressed for it. I didn't feel too bad about the interview which was rare, pay would have barely been better than my current jobs but I really want to get out of retail, primarily due to the crap pay and hours, secondarily I think I have some serious social anxiety going on and this only worsened it. I find myself nervous in crowds for example, and I used to be totally ok with them. I figure it may be slightly better but still a different flavor of hell, at least they didn't flip out about my car being old AF like the last time I had an interview to be a scribe.

My cousin also closes and complains the obvious, that when you're on the night crew everything is your fault since you're the only one there, and you're always perceived as lazy, he's found that it hurts interviewing chances to some degree.

Great! There’s going to be elections here soon and apparently I changed my name after the deadline, so I have to vote using my deadname.

Guess I’m doing a little trolling and show up extra-fem with my old passport that has a photo from when I was 14.

What could possibly go wrong?

I wasn't fully sold on the theory that kurt cobain was a closeted trans person until I saw kurt posing for photos by holding a gun while serving

broke: squid game is about capitalism

woke: squid game is about the importance of ing

Sometimes a girlie deserves a silly little coffee or two or five to make it through the day, y'know?

I miss the days of being a rapidly growing teenager, when I could eat ten kilos of food a day and not worry about my weight because my metabolism was so much faster. I mean I actually don't miss being a teenager at all but that one thing was nice

I'm eating yogurt that tastes the way my conditioner smells

Fell asleep during a final fantasy cutscene and completely missed how I'm now in prison?? Oh well

I am a fool for not bringing bras on my trip. Even if I am boymodding, my breasts are aggravating without them.

(no regrets concerning the booba, just the lack of bra.)

(Sees girl around my age)

My mind: Marry me

did you know you can synthesize bio-identical progesterone from yams.

::: spoiler HRT shitpost Loading an airsoft guns magazine with sublingual estradiol and spiro

Call it an M4A1 TITMOD

:::

I know I haven't posted here in a while. But do u still like Big Chungus

What Big Pillow doesn't want you to know is if you have less pillows you can have more plushies on your bed

Surviving is winning. Whatever it takes: Survive ♥

holy fuck i forgot how hard underscores went. i love her so much

the benghazi attacks happened because they were creating sonic the hedgehog foot photos that were going to lead to the downfall of western society

Omfg one line in the last Boonta Vista absolutely took me out

::: spoiler they're talking about furry conventions "uhh 'Fur-geddaboutit', that's in New Jersey"

"okay that's pretty good"

(Lucy doing a Jersey accent adorably badly still like mostly Aussie) "Ayyyyy I'm yiffin' here!"

:::

If kurt cobain was still alive, do you think he would be a ukraine lib

heathen by deafheaven

Exercise got me feeling like everything gonna be okay

::: spoiler exercise, body changes, weight

Been getting a great boost to my mental health and sleep quality from exercise. Still doing 100 kettlebell swings a day, it's feeling good, my form and endurance feel better. I have a 25 pound kb that I'm going to try out just to see how it feels, but I'll be sticking with 10 pound for a while as I get into the move and build athleticism. Swings are very fun, I like moving my whole body and controlling momentum

I can see it in my thighs and calves that I'm growing muscle, and my abdominal feels firmer. I had a serious pair of thunder thighs when I worked heavy manual labor and did conventional barbell weightlifting that I want to get back.

Just throwing in to mild brag that my squat pb was 170 pounds 3 sets of 5 reps at 155 bodyweight a few years ago

:::

I spent an absurd amount of time today trying to figure out how to prove a euclidean metric space is actually a metric space in lean 4 and I FINALLY got it omg. It was one of those things where I knew exactly how I would prove it on paper, but it's so hard to convince the computer I actually know what I'm doing 😭. It had the exact same feeling as fighting the rust borrow checker.

In related news Lean is so cool

After a really disregulated weekend, im back to my normal self, and feeling great! Have a friend date in a few days, a datedate a couple days after that, and am feeling good about my capacities rn ^^

::: spoiler sad whining I just miss her a lot and don't understand what happened from going from thinking things were going well between us the last time we were in touch and now not hearing back from her in days

I just want a positive irl relationship, it's been such a long time and I feel so sad and lonely :::

The people on Love Is Blind are too white and bougie

⏱️ Wonder how I'll look back on the next six months.

Anyway, patches continue to be better than pills.

Been watching a fan made rwby series on yt called rwby evermorrow, premise is what if the security system in volume 2 never went down and yeah it's pretty kino. Fan voice casted and animated in MMD but like rwby it's been getting better each episode and way less meandering than the og series. There's only like 8 episodes rn and I'm waiting for more since I quite like it.

Drank a megaman energy drink I got from the dollar store but don't think it's doing anything for me, probably because I'm not a megaman anymore but a megathey

My violin teacher was so harsh today

I feel like such a baby student and we're digging in to nit picky things, she is nice and reminded me I'm doing well and progressing but it felt like every bow was wrong 😢

I was not mentally prepared for the latest episode of severance dear god

Everyday I resist the temptation to buy a new pair of boots.

i swear i get so much better at pokemon vgc when im high. its like i can see every possibility

Managed to get a nap today.

... didn't clock out of work for it

Gee I do not know what was going on yesterday I felt so bad physically.

But today I feel great. Like physically washed out. But mentally amazing.

It's so windy I feel like I'm about to be blown away. Hrt has turned me into paper

I finally feel better today. Not 100%, but at least I'm not feeling truly sick. I'm so happy. It took way too fucking long to buck this flu. Damn my friend for bringing it to me

Now people at work can properly understand me and I'm not repeating myself through extreme congestion. It's rather nice. Granted I only had to deal with that for a couple days, but it wasn't fun. Wish I didn't blow so much PTO though, but it was necessary with how much I was feeling like death.

::: spoiler trauma, woo woo spirituality past life shit, mental health shit,. addiction, alcoholism Hey no clue but feel like this would be the best place to ask, has anyone else ever had a meltdown CPTSD type thing and flashbacks where you get intense traumatic dreams/nightmares where you are waking up in cold sweat and checking corners despite being PROFOUNDLY alone having flashbacks to a life you've never lived

Because GODDAMMIT I have recently

Have not been able to pass out even at like 54hours sleep deprived or a full liter of 80 proof :::

Did anyone try Avowed yet. Id get it and I like Obsidian stuff in general, but it takes effort for me to play games now that I'm working full time

live reaction of me watching squid game season 2:

A friend asked me yesterday what was new with me and I kind of went "??? what...is....new with me??"

I have been getting back into making music, I had a brief stint with various DAWs like Reason and FL Studio, trying to find "the perfect one," but ended up back on a pirated version of Ableton. I even had to install Windows on a my PC to get low latency audio working (fuck I have no idea how to JACK with Wine or anything and the jitter made recording really weird). I'm at least happy with the 10 IoT LTSC build (following the LTSC guide ), and I discovered thst I actually love SimpleWall. None of you silly apps deserve internet access, especially since I didn't pay for any of you...

I also set up the same PC with home streaming (Apollo/Moonlight) since I was getting sore from carrying my gaming PC up and down stairs. I can stream from my PC to like another device and get 1440p@120fps over wifi (uh, in some spots) with barely perceptible latency, lol. Cool stuff and I always worry about slipping and dropping my PC so its nice.

My knee is still bothering me a bit but its not arthritis so I just need to make a bunch of physio appointments. But it makes me a bit lazy and I don't want to exercise because of it.

::: spoiler medical anxiety I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow to find out if I'm Allowed to go on ADHD meds. Apparently I didn't ace the ECG good enough so I had to go back for a second one. ECGs are sensory torture for me, it turns out, so if they try to make me get a third I'll probably have to explain how a not painful, not invasive procedure done by very kind peiple makes me really anxious and unable to speak for a couple hours after. :::

i have 0 game 😔 #sad

I have to be the dumbest fucker on earth. I opened an emotionally charged, soul rending, love letter sent to me by my ex, two years ago when we first started dating, while on break at work.

Why did I do this you may ask? Refer back to the first sentence of this post for your answer. Anyways... FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

My parents were going to name me Peter Griffin until Family Guy came out

took a metabolism booster that's a pill filled with caffeine, catechines and capsaicin. seems to be burning the insides of the stomach atleast. Pretty neat. Also woke me up real quick.

::: spoiler sex talk/yt algo Starting to get semen retention vids but this time instead of dbz it's women talking about it. Still hetronormative stuff but idk it feels somewhat healthier than the typical non dbz red pill vids. Might just be my inclination to listen to women more on advice but I feel like who's saying it brings a different message to it all. :::

Singing a solemn hymn for Autumn.

Fuck it they should bring catchphrase back "Bummer Majores" is so classic. Real sonic heads know what I'm talking about

Holy shit everyone, MY FAVORITE BAND HAS A NEW ALBUM ON THE WAY

Pretty sure I stumbled on the link to the debut stream ahead of time on accident somehow since it's unlisted but omg omg omg

Their last album and the 3 singles after are some of my favorites of all time and omg I actually have something positive to look forward to!?

I remember back in the day it was sharkboy and lavagirl then it was fireboy and watergirl? Guess it just shows gender is more complicated than just a simple ridged binary

Just finished Boys Weekend by Mattie Lubchansky. The ending got me crying Damn you, Mattie!

My most recent 3 Skyrim characters have had somewhere between 80-100% spell asborb. As neat as that is I'm trying to avoid gaming spell absorb and magic resist with my Dragonborn Nord. Trying to rely on stuff like the shout become Ethereal to avoid attacks and stuff like that.

Also I like that my Dragonborn years ago rode Arvak the summonable ghost horse. Currently my Orc Paladin rides a Reindeer, my Breton Scholar rides a Dwemer Horse, my Dunmer Vampire a Daedric horse and my Nord Dragonborn rides a unicorn (wearing steel armour).

Me a dummy the email algo rhythm has nothing to tempt me with also me laser hair removal the ad gods know

Whats the date today

AshenWolfs PFP has cooled down and become cute. Dialectics

::: spoiler mentions of YouTube sponsorships So a great transfem YouTuber by the name of Rain, is making quality videos that will make us a better transfem community. She warned about sponsorships in her latest video. :::

Restarted Yakuza dead souls, game is clunky and I love it. I beat it before but didn't bother with any of the substories a major yakuza sin but now gonna go through it slowly enjoy and maybe 100%ing it. Some of the trophies are as easy as playing mahjong once I don't need to get a billion points or whatever like kiwami wants me to.

Real sad

I'm gonna go take a bunch of melatonin and sleep a bunch so I hopefully won't be as sad tomorrow

1st cour of Apothecary Diaries was pretty cozy/power fantasy, but the 2nd cour is getting pretty interesting, with a lot more character development and intrigue.

Not particularly impressed by the medical mysteries, there's no enough time to develop them in the 10-15 minutes that they take up, but where the show dives into gender and gendered roles in society are pretty good.

tried to read the visual novel "the expression amrilato" which was advertised as an esperanto learning yuri story with my girlfriend. it seemed really cute, so im sure its fine right! ::: spoiler angery vent about anime bullshit the second scene was a sudden nudity bathtub scene where one of the characters pushes boundaries removedy) and the mc looks back on it in the next shot as if its all good cuz she was cute and she acts like she liked it. she explicitly said she was good to do the things on her own. deeply frustrating because i want to experience new japanese media with her but i cant trust this shit to not be weird about it. :::