Join us on tracha nerds https://matrix.to/#/#tracha-space:transfem.dev

hi, does anyone wanna make the mega in the upcoming weeks? if so, reply to this post and i'll add you to the list!

the list as it stands:

SILLY BEAN@lemmygrad.ml* (1/27 - 2/2)
AshenWolf* (2/3 - 2/9)
GayTuckerCarlson* (2/10 - 2/16)
oscardejarjayes* (2/17 - 2/23)
EstraDoll (2/24 - 3/2)
Eco* (3/3 - 3/9)

​ * after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters

I dont post in these megas often but...

Today is my hrt removedversary. Gonna get all dolled up in a cute dress and put on some makeup and put some bows and flowers in my hair and then not go outside at all. I'll be staying in with my dear woof and watching some anime :33333 .

"Relationships with parents can be difficult, but mine aren't that bad, they tried to make me detransition and almost murdered me, but it could be worse "

this is like half of the trans people I know and it makes me concerned

Got my first femme haircut yesterday afternoon, and I'm having intense gender feels from it

I came out to my mom, the last person I really cared to tell. And I mean on the bright side it could have been significantly worse. She told me she loved me and was sorry I was going it alone for so long, and suspected a conversation like this would happen eventually. She thought I might be gay and was waiting on me to tell her. Butttttttttt then I told her my name and pronouns and if she would have told me it was a cute name, I would have cried some good solid happy tears. But she didn't. She said "I'm not sure I'd be able to use that yet. You'll have to give me time." Which to me reads like that's never going to happen.

When I hope trans mega posters will support me doing risky behavior, but they instead insist that my behavior is risky (fine, i will get my ears pierced at a studio instead of doing it in my bathroom)

Going from dating as a cishet man to a trans lesbian is both a blessing and a curse

The relationships are so much better but holy shit it's so much harder to just get a date

Not sure if it actually has to do with being trans but it's so painful to my self esteem

Hello trans thread, I have been in a three month depression hole because I got unlawfully fired. I had to move out of my apartment because my unemployment isn't enough to cover it. I am fortunate enough to be living with my partner. I also ran out of my medications, which has been even worse for my mind and caused me to go through withdrawals. Today is the first day in three months that I am going to bother to dress well or wear makeup, because spite is simply the most powerful motivator I have ever known. Death to America and death to all fascists.

HEV suit that administers estrogen when your HP gets too low

I thought this site was actually purged of this, but no... We still have a bunch of fuckers running around calling people AMAB'S and AFAB's for zero reason and refusing to acknowledge that their langue is harmful. They use AMAB as a noun literally as just a "woke" replacement for "biological male" when using any other kind of langue would have sufficed. ACTUALLY would rather just be called slurs on this website than that shit.

thinking i might need to for a little while, all the news about trump is making me super anxious and im adjusting my anxiety meds rn lol

decided to delete xiaohongshu. it's a neat app, and i'm glad people are having a nice time with it... i just realised pretty quickly that for me personally, it's gonna fill the same niche as a tiktok or twitter i.e. being a net negative for my mental health. especially BDD and general envy of other people which can fester into self-hatred. as well as having to see bigoted comments with much more frequency than a space like hexbear, of course. it's a problem i've found with all image-heavy, non-anonymous social media, and i think just cutting it out is the self-care move for me.

I'm terrified of being a bad person on the inside and it makes it so hard to let the real me out of the cage I've built for her

i think the fact i managed to mostly keep up femme voice while deeply crying during therapy means that i'm fucking crushing it out here

^ me

also bought a nice bra today and i'm a B cup now, that's pretty cool

Came out to another friend and had a great 2 hour conversation catching up. And this morning my partner sent me a very risque selfie and many positive affirmations. I wish for all of my trans comrades to experience this amount of love all the time

Planned Parenthood is trying to claim I'm 2 inches taller than I was BEFORE I started HRT. There's absolutely no way I'm that tall and I'm calling BS

EDIT: measured again at home, i'm exactly as tall as i thought i was, PP is wrong

I went to a trans support group this week

Took a friend and my roommate was already a regular so I wasn't alone which was really nice. I mainly went to help my friend cuz it seems like she really needed to find some kind of community, but I enjoyed it a lot as well. I didn't say much since I'm naturally super shy in new groups. Definitely wanna go back.

The struggle for trans lives is a struggle we can win, we must win, and we will win.

Stay alive ♡

Wtf is this bullshit. Why do I have to go to work? Why can't I just be cute, snuggle up to someone and be called pet names?

autistic marxist leninist bottoms be like: "oh my god someone please tell me what the fuck to do" and it's me i'm autistic marxist leninist bottoms

::: spoiler name update (this body of text became way more than the name update) So update from a few months ago (probably more than a few at this point) but I'm still in name purgatory. I have a name that I use now, and a name that I used before that one, both outside of the original deadname. However, I don't really like either of them, and any names I come up with myself can't seem to stick, don't feel like they fit 1/2 the time, or both. So, a solution: have other people come up with names for me! However, this doesn't always work, and more serves as a brainstorming process. My mom already did it, and a lot of the names, if not all of them after reading the books she got them from, didn't fit. My sister has now come up with a list and given it to me. It's a lot smaller, but she's also not at all afraid of showing her bias. There's one name in particular that she really likes for me, and she made that quite obvious. I think I'm going to sit down with her tomorrow and pick one of them to use, at least for a few months (and I'll probably pick another one as well, as a "middle" name but actually more of a second name). If it doesn't stick, rinse and repeat, but I hope something manages to stick eventually. I don't know why I really struggle to identify with names, and it's not exactly something new to transition either. Don't ask me to come up with usernames for myself, I really struggle to and it ends up being something basic (like Luna), or something basic (like AshenWolf), and I could not for the life of me pick something more fitting. It's either just a name that happens to be moon in spanish that ended up being a funny Fire Emblem reference, or AshenWolf, another Fire Emblem reference.

I ended up going on a bit of a tangent, and I'm going to keep going, but I think I have a lot of issues with a static identity. I feel like I'm always changing based on the situation, putting on different masks (not necessarily positive or negative) and becoming different people depending on who might handle the situation best. It's why I'm always changing my pronouns, profile picture, etc. I'm trying something new with using two accounts on here, one with she/her pronouns and one with she/they pronouns and switching based on how I feel or what persona I feel like posting with. I'm going to be honest, things like username, profile picture, even previous history, affect how I post. Luna is a certain persona, and AshenWolf is another, and it's quite weird how sending one thing from one account just feels wrong on the other. I guess that's another reason for changing profile pictures so much, maybe.

Regardless, and because I'm just going to ramble and repeat my points, I'm sure I'll find a name, or even a couple, that will stick. For now though, it feels like the usernames (Luna, AshenWolf + variations like Ash) stick better than names for me, but I also don't know if I could see myself using them as IRL names, and not just for opsec reasons. Okay I'm done now, hopefully you all don't think the accounts talking to you have been frauds, despite a lack of concrete identity and the persona talk I assure you that they're not and they're both genuine parts of me.

If you somehow made it to the end, thanks for reading this wacky vent of a wall of text. :::

I love my trans comrades

Something nice happened today. I was out with a few friends and this random ass dude just comes up to us and starts taking part in our conversation like it's the most natural thing in the world. That's okay I guess but he starts to say some borderline bigoted stuff that definitely does not pass the vibe check.

I was about to head home anyway so I decide to just leave because I don't want to listen to it. I didn't really expect anyone to care or notice and just planned to head home, but after like 20 seconds my friends just left that guy and hurried to catch up to me. In hindsight it was kinda obvious they would do that rather than hang out with some creepy stranger, but in the moment it genuinely meant a lot to me, like seeing that these people actually notice me and care about me was such a comforting experience.

im scared, a lot

i dont like being scared

Just shaved and I think this is the best I have ever looked. Honestly really surprised with just how far I've come along! Comparing new photos to old ones is like looking at a new person

Behold, my 1000th comment!

So finally, a decade after cracking my egg and 5 years of HRT, I’m going to legally change my name and sex. But oh boy is this giving me a headache. Just so much bureaucratic bullshit I have to wade through and navigate.

::: spoiler And on top of that [CW: institutional transphobia]: This week there was a new court ruling here in Austria that could potentially make this whole process illegal. It was specifically about enbies but in the ruling they included a paragraph about your "biological sex" being the deciding factor. That means that in the worst case it could affect all trans people, including me. So amazing timing for me... like it just had to happen at the exact same day that I started the whole process -.- :::

My nerves are completely done because of this and fucking RIP my sleeping schedule

But when this Herculean task is over, I’m going to enjoy some nice teas that I ordered recently: A really fancy sheng pu-erh from 2007, some tea that is supposedly from the 80s and another one from the 70s, so over 50 years old.

I also got myself a nice light-blue celadon teacup that I can use together with my pink gaiwan and my white gong dao bei on top of my ebony tea tray. Perfect set-up to celebrate this special occasion.

society if HRT made you look like ur favorite anime girl instead of your mom

flyingcarsandshit.png

::: spoiler recent learnings from the gay bar (NSFW):

• every switch is flippable

• when the poly couch is occupied (by cis dudes - literally transphobic!) and you drop all the transbians off on the floor, things get a lot wilder

• i'm crushing hard on the two cuties i ended up in a cuddle pile with, can't get out of my head how sweet and kind they are and how good it felt when they were snuggling up to me and each other like the two loveliest kittens. Damn. :::

society if HRT made you look sort of like your mom instead of sort of like your dad if he transitioned 45 years ago

::: spoiler CW: Transphobia, state oppression, passports It's been confirmed (through leaked internal memo) that passport gender marker changes and "X" markers have been suspended: https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2025/jan/23/trump-rubio-x-gender-passport

In theory, this sort of administrative ruling is supposed to have a comment period, but obviously the administration will run rushod over those rules if not halted by the courts. :::

up with trans

Hi transgender people on the internet I love you

got banned from news@lemmy.world like an hour after banning a .world mod for transphobia. (link)

not using !news@lemmy.world is probably for the best, from a self care standpoint anyways.

Cursed bit idea: “trans broken arm syndrome” but it’s where the republicans ban medical treatment for broken arms because some of the people utilizing it happen to be trans

I've hit the first day on E where I feel the need to top instead of being a pillow princess

hii im new here! excited to meet new peeps ^^

been kind of missing reddit lately despite how terrible it actually is.. aand so far hexbear is looking like only the bits of reddit i actually enjoyed, so that's pleasant :D

anyway i just injected my 90th estradiol dose, its weird, it really does feel like i started it yesterday

i am so tired of being an independent adult i absolutely need an authority figure to tenderly take care of and pamper me

when she says that trains are her hyperfixation

my doctor: please take the medicine that gives u periods, pls u have pcos and it can't be treated any other way

me: hehe no period and facial hair go brrrr

I think I'm letting go of the idea that I'm going to have a good relationship with my parents someday. I've been starting to feel secure enough in other areas of my life that I think I can face that.

I had assumed I was going to see at least a flash of compassion this week, but it just hasn't been there. That really made me rethink the other assumptions I was making.

When you are explaining everything that’s wrong with your body to someone and they give you the non-bdd stare.

the very same government that refuses to recognize me as a woman also recognises Denali as Mt. Cracker and just unilaterally named an entire sea after itself. These guys sound deeply confused

I painted my nails (was definitely not reminded to do so by one of you ;)) and I'm honestly impressed with myself! It's not the best, but it's not bad either, especially considering that I really struggle with fine motor function. Autism strikes again, but HAHA I still win. I'm like 7 months in, have had my nails painted since before I transitioned, and this is the first time I have painted them myself. I feel really proud, like it's one more thing I can do for myself

me when i enter a "not doing okay at all rn" competition and i'm winning

::: spoiler They really made her go :3 :::

We weren't just at capacity today, we weren't just at surge capacity today, we were over surge capacity and it didn't let up. This isn't sustainable. I don't know what they're going to do, we have to turn these sick kids away. Even the emergency appys, I'm sorry it's a patient safety issue. We don't have the staff and we're running out of literal beds. They have to get moved to another hospital

It's been a frustrating few days, never let up once. Understaffed, way too many kids, support has been pretty nil, fuck. We're probably going on strike by March. Dunno what the fuck is gonna happen.

::: spoiler Trying to have a more positive mindset by acknowledging all the progress I've made so far with my face My face really isn't that bad, I just have this habit of hyperfocusing on the few remaining features I don't like and ignoring all the features I like or feel neutral about. 1,4 years of HRT, lots of laser hair removal sessions, growing my hair long and eyebrow shaping have made a huge difference. Depending on the angle, lighting and hair style my face can actually pass. I'm not satisified with that, but it means that I've gotten a lot closer to my goal of having my face pass in all or at least most circumstances. The huge amount of time and money spent, all this effort has not been in vain. Things have actually gotten better for me, and will continue to get better if I keep at it! :::

::: spoiler doomy bad vibes Boy howdy am I dooming today. Worrying that it is too late to get a passport, and even thinking about leaving sucks given how many painful conversations I've had with my partner about it - in short, he's not going anywhere, and the idea that I might have to causes obvious stress in our relationship. He says that he will protect me but like, if shit hits the fan he won't be able to.

I live in a deep blue area which might provide a little layer of protection, but does that just mean I'll be even more entrenched and trapped when the liberals roll over and turn me in? :::

Aaaaaaaaaa I just started a long shift at work, and can't just distract myself because my clients are also dooming about this stuff.

Just saw welcome to dorley hall on sale at a local chain bookstore and genuinely shocked to see such a niche online trans fic as a physical book in a brick-and-mortar bookstore. And not a cool, independent bookstore either like a chapter’s in a mall

Edit: not only that, there were like multiple copies as well, and stacked with the cover facing out instead of the spine to attract more attention. Is this a thing? Is dorley mainstream enough to be sold in bookstores or is this one just really weird?

I switched to patches (from pills) and you can really feel that shit hit the bloodstream almost immediately.

Thesis: wanting boobs

Antithesis: not wanting boobs

Synthesis: wanting only small boobs

Becoming increasingly nervous about my sister’s wedding.

I thought I’d be happier with where I would be in my transition by the time it arrived, but it’s a month away and I’m just as mentally ill as ever.
Idk what I am going to wear, or how I will possibly show up in girl clothes without feeling like a total joke.

My sister just informed me we are doing some stupid shit with my mom and all our siblings where it’s just us in the middle of the dance floor for like a minute, which just adds to the pressure.
I’m coming to your wedding to be supportive not to perform!
It should be illegal to just include this kind of shit in your wedding without other people’s consent I didn’t sign up for this!

::: spoiler dysphoria or whatever Cis people will see a trans person complain about one thing they are dsyphoric about and be like “well my X are similar” or “I know cis women/men whose X is similar”.
Like congrats you are outside the norm in one way to your AGAB, while trans people are outside it on multiple, want a cookie? :::

It's freezing today and I had to shovel.

So what the fuck should we do now. Im really considering leaving the country

i'm super lucky to have a nice stockpile of HRT that just kinda happened because my pharmacy gives me 1.5x as much e as i need per month and like 4x as much cypro lol. i just say nothing of course. me and one of my gfs share the cypro too and we're still at a net gain per month

unrelatedly, i think i wanna make a cute neocities... i've always hated webdev but it seems worth delving into it for this, clicking through the community sites makes me so happy. it's a cultural revival i'm really here for!

Just got my ears pierced! Just got some plausibly deniable small black studs for now, but I am excited by the possibilities. I feel so much more femme.

I don't think I dislike my legal name, but good god is it jarring being in a car with people I'm not out to and getting called it constantly

Bit idea: getting kicked out of a topless bar for not being a bottom

friday rice

Friend just got boob sweat for the first time and we invite you to celebrate with us.

I might be the most mentally ill transgender to ever exist.

One more cheesy thing before I go back to being cynical lol

Love and solidarity will win ♡

::: spoiler guess what? Friday Rice! :::

::: spoiler alcohol so I got a little drunk tonight and I feel kinda... bouncy? in a way I haven't before. Like the idle animation for female night elves in WoW where they just kinda randomly bounce a little... and it's like weirdly affirming. I like feeling like a bouncy night elf. :::

I'M THEM

I'VE BEEN THEM

I WILL CONTINUE TO BE THEM

::: spoiler sexual, a tragedy in 12 words Painfully horny but can't use my dominant hand and don't have toys

:::

::: spoiler Me doubting whether I truly am trans TLWR: Just skip to the last paragraph. There is no question anyway, just my thoughts...

I am AMAB. As a kid I wanted to be a girl. I don't know if it was gender dysphoria or just me being affected by bullying and lack of affection. I didn't want to play football and I always found the boys to be mean and while some of the girls were also mean, most weren't and I envied them for how they treated each other and wanted to be a part of them. I don't remember if there was something more to it. I would picture an imaginary friend in my head who was a girl and while we didn't talk we understood each other as if we were the same person.

Then puberty came and it all went away, but I began feeling a numbness. As a prepubescent kid, I was always known to be very emotional. I remember when our class was watching a movie there was a scene where a dog sacrificed itself to rescue a girl from drowning. I along with one other girl were the only people in the class who cried to that. And I would often cry when I discovered how terrible the world is for other people. But now I struggled to feel. I rarely was sad or happy and I never showed affection to people and had very few, if any, friends. And whenever someone suffered I would try to suppress my empathy because there was no way for me to deal with those emotions. Once in a while however I would when alone have outbursts of extreme sadness, crying at the intense loneliness I suddenly became aware of and the emptiness I felt. It never lasted long however and I would soon suppress it again in order to live my life, because there was nothing I could do about those emotions. This entire period I did not think about gender.

The one thing I can say for sure is that I never was attached to my maleness, the only good things I appreciated about being born male was not having to deal with periods, and the immense strength I had without exercising.

Some months ago I started wondering «What if I am a woman?». In the days that followed I then had a dream while sleeping where I saw a version of my self but a lot more feminine looking. I did not feel repelled, it felt natural. I also added she/her to my pronouns in social media to experiment, but nothing ever came of that because people don't talk about me.

Some days ago I decided to shave all my facial hair and pluck my eyebrows and shave my arms and hands. Combined with my already long hair, it made my face androgynous looking and I could glimpse a woman looking back at me from the mirror and it filled me with joy. That day I went out in public looking like that with my sister (who didn't question me about my change in appearance). I remember it made me feel good, I was smiling the whole day through and while I got some weird looks I felt protected with my sister by my side (though to be honest I passed in front of a church where a funeral was going on, with the biggest grin ever on my face, so kind of expected to get weird looks XD).

When I came home, I realized «I think I am a woman.». That realization filled me with so much joy I couldn't focus. And I was filled with a drive to live and to act. I was the happiest I had ever been in the past years. I was in bliss. I actually wrote the date down, because I felt like on that day I was born again the way I was meant to be. I could feel again. Although I couldn't cry it was because, despite wanting to cry every few minutes, within a second I would be euphoric again, before any tears could even be formed. I also began feeling a lot more affection for people. My most used emojis began to be hearts and 🫂. And I also began attributing a lot of what I had felt in the past to gender dysphoria.

Now however days have passed since then, and I feel this numbness again. My facial hair is growing back and I no longer see a woman in the mirror. I no longer can identify gender dysphoria in the past the way I did some days ago. I don't feel gender anymore, the same way I couldn't feel gender before the realization. Was it all just a "phase"? Maybe this is just my way to cope with not being able to live the way I am meant to live, and it will all come back when I make steps again to affirm my gender, the way I did just before the realization... I guess that's what I have to work towards. :::

::: spoiler genitalia Genuinely kind of bummed I’m circumcised.
I feel like uncircumcised dicks are cuter. :::

being trans is the new punk rock

Dming people on Redbook asking them if they like sonic until someone replies ::: spoiler spoiler It worked and I made a friend 😎 :::

Bit idea: guy who gets on E to make no nut November easier

Creating a Orc warrior girl. Mainly because I haven't played Orcs much in Skyrim and they have the best racial bonus for survival and combat. But also is going to be good for my Lesbian fantasy when she marries Camilla Valerius and they live in a cute little farm. Problem is I'm stuck at the stage where I look through the names of characters from all UESP games and make a lore appropriate name that suits them.

Does anybody here have any ideas for styling hair while growing it out? I've kind of just let it be (other than trimming the ends once), but I want to go for something more explicitly feminine. My hair now is about down to just below my ears, although the back is at my neck.

MODS! OP IS LEAVING ME IN SUSPENSE REGARDING THE SUBJECT MATTER OF THE POST, PLEASE BAN! /j

In all seriousness, I'm excited to see what you write up

where to find the estrogen that gives you G cup massive anime tiddies instantly?

got some piercings fuck it hurts!!!!

Injection done! Let's see, that would be... number 32! I actually had to go back and look, I stopped keeping track a while ago

How do you feel out potential allies? I've been wanting to come out to my sister, but I don't want to do for now if her reaction isn't going to be positive. We have never talked about gender or sexuality in the same room, so I know nothing about her views on the matter. I also feel like I can't just randomly bring up the issue, because I think she would connect the dots.

The Yuri artists are making now is wild. Just saw some Balatro Yuri and it was sick as hell

::: spoiler Sex (Licking and sucking on a lollipop like its a clit in front of my girlfriend) Honey why do you look so flustered? What do you mean I'm teasing you? :::

getting really doomer right now as it feels like society is going to collapse sooner than i'll be able to really achieve any of my transition goals

it's genuinely depressing when the history of anything good in britain typically boils down to "clement attlee's government (under the influence of aneurin bevan) made good thing. then thatcher came along and destroyed it, followed by tony blair making things worse."

< me after finally shaving my face again (happy)

🎶where there's a whip
there's a way🎵

Fuck I need to get a girlfriend

They removed the ability to change your sex with the Social Security Administration. Not entirely sure if I have or not yet, but I can no longer do so if I needed to.

Beyond that, my mind is still broken, hence my absence on this site entirely. I'm sorry, but I can't read your posts right now without just spiraling into hell. I just needed to pass the above info along since it's somewhat useful to the average individual here. Hopefully my brain will be fixed soon. Hopefully.

::: spoiler sick kids Apparently our pediatrics unit isn't the only place getting overloaded, it's the whole hospital and every hospital in the health zone I'm in. We're only just now getting our big wave of peds patients on top of everything else. I dunno how many calls from desperate parents I've had to tell to either get in their pediatricians office, a walk in or if they think it's a true emergency to go to the ER. There's no secret back door to get your kid in to our unit, I know it's a long wait and they might send you home without much, there's literally no spac, for example, for your kid with 3 months of chronic diarrhea because there's 3 emergency appys, there's 4 kids on oxygen, two on airvo, one with epiglottis, three to be admitted from other rural emergencies including one who should've been sent to the big city but they're full too etc etc. We don't have room unless your kid absolutely needs 24/7 nursing care. It's so frustrating, I'm used to a higher standard of care for the community.

And it sounds like it's like this every unit in every hospital. And we're due for strike after February. Good luck :::

Me sowing (buying white sneakers): Haha fuck yeah!!! Yes!!

Me reaping (they get dirty in an hour): Well this fucking sucks. What the fuck.

Watching pre-Golden Age films really shows how much the Hays Code fucked with lgbt representation for the medium.

There was a lot more queer representation—although still heavily stereotyped—that got pushed back because the US government claimed it could be used for “evil”. And thus the queer villain became a new trope.

Not even American film, European film had much more examples of positive representation that wasn’t as heavily stereotyped. That also changed at some point.

It’s for this reason that I consider the early silent era to be the true Golden Age of Film. You had representation that we still haven’t seen to this day in some cases like an East Asian man being a sex symbol. The Golden Age is only considered the Golden Age because it’s when the major studios benefitted the most. They had more control over the industry and its actors than they ever would.

Yea there were improvements made during the Golden Age as well but I feel the silent era had many as well while also experimenting more than the largely safe content Hollywood churned out during the golden age.

::: spoiler CW: Do not try applying for a US passport with the correct gender marker until we learn more. This needs to be validated, but there is some information (see reddit post: https://www.reddit.com/r/transgender/comments/1i7wakb/state_department_may_have_halted_processing_for/) that not only has the state department halted processing for any gender marker changes, they are also confiscating supporting documents. So, if you send in a passport with the incorrect gender marker, not only could it be not corrected it and your other documentation could be stuck in limbo.

I just sent in my birth certificate and a therapist's letter. I am fucking terrified. I have another certified birth certificate copy at least, but now won't have any passport at all until something changes. :::

Relatives have been checking up on me concerned due to the anti-gsrm proclamations of late. Due to where I live and what I interact with I'm a bit more worried about the end of birthright citizenship and wanton deportations without giving AF if who they pick up isn't Latin@ or is a US citizen, they're all going to the same place. So many Born in East LA but unfunny horror stories already happen irl and no one gaf. When I was younger I thought of emigrating out to MX to be yet another digital expat, or maybe to continue on to an advanced degree, I'm so old and broke now idk how realistic that is. I do have some savings, but not enough to start in another country lvl. My spoken Spanish is horrific and there's no one to practice with around here.

I'm the mood for storytime, when my mom worked in agriculture when younger immigration did a sweep and picked up a few Oklahomans along with the rest, they were seriously so power tripping they were thinking about deporting them until some other official had them calm the fuck down. When people think Murikkkan its usually a bit of a southerner, so no one is safe from what's coming . She also had a series of stories about a nice undocumented Canadian she worked with, eventually he ended up getting caught in a sweep.

HRT I have a decent stockpile not just from fearing the eventual scapegoating, but my constant insurance cuts, which I'm facing again. T is a lot more forgiving storage wise and time wise than one would guess off , real people to listen to are body builders, no damn joke. If I had a question its them or my endo. Anyway, for injections I've found vet supplies to be cheaper than Amazon when they have sales.

I'm at the point in my transition like many where I can't go back in the closet, I never really cis-passed very well, so this was always going to happen regardless of what the fools want.

CW bathroom violence story when I was younger ::: spoiler spoiler So I have PCOS and always had the blessing of facial hair, then some generic appearance things like I have a very masc face.

When I was in late middle school or early high school, mom had just some legal trouble and I was at the nearest Walmart and had to use the bathroom. Some old lady accused me of being a boy-man in the bathroom and began to fight me off with her heavy ass purse and have a flip out about it. Other women in the bathroom ignored her or sat around like bumps on a log. I immediately told grandma about it who was like 'oh well, it happens, just don't tell your mom'. :::

CW: dysphoria bit health ::: spoiler spoiler Sometimes I take herbal supplements to help out melatonin or my actual sleep med. One I use and also cook with is mugwort. Mugwort's nice in cakes and dumplings and has a unique herbal flavor, I also find it a bit of a lucid dream cheating-tier aid. I was chatting with a chatbot trying to see what it could pop out about mugwort's various properties and more recipes, and I get to read its actually purposely used to regulate/cause periods. Oops. I usually take or eat it when I'm at my most stressed. I feel sort of silly, I can probably replace it with fenugeek or something flavor wise. I seriously wonder if that's been a decent contributor to my current issues all this time. I never thought of mentioning it to my doctors since food isn't exactly medicine. :::

lovely weather today. it snowed on top of frozen over roads. fell on my ass, thankfully i have a delicious cushion these days.

made pizza for dinner

Seems like none of my ID's will need to be renewed until after Trump's term is over. Hopefully I won't have to worry about whether the x gender marker exists then.

::: spoiler scared

Im kinda finding myself very scared about the day1 EO and what it symbolizes/forbodes. Ik i will probably be ok because of where i am located, but also libs will roll over for anyone and i wont put it past them to say we need to accept and uphold the EO in the name of unity.

Ig its time to bring a chamber pot with me everywhere i go, or a bigwall poop tube

Thyme should be pronounced how it is spelled since time is already a word.
Do you agree?

Just had the most packed weekend ever with my partner, including going dancing two nights in a row. I'm happy we spent yesterday laughing and loving (and going to brunch lol) instead of dooming.

I love them so much

::: spoiler weight loss Kicking myself; I would have been at my goal by now if I didn’t completely plateau over the holidays :::

bart simpson transgender?

gonna go to the moon and steal the american flag and replace it with the transgender one

I feel like I need new underwear. The set I currently have is so gray.

Probably should get a bra at some point too, but idk if they are big enough to warrant it and I don’t want to get fitted and what if bras feel weird.

I made a 同志/跨性别 group on XHS if anyone is interested in joining:

Also this is my feed currently lol:

And I came across this amazing sticker earlier on there and grabbed it:

How do people drink the “proper” amount of water?

My friend kind of disappeared on me. We started out by dating, and it was great for the most part. We did decide to just be friends after a while, but then we were actually friends and it was so nice. We lived near each other, and would get together at least like once a week for the last few months. It was usually pretty casual, like we'd get coffee or work out together or he'd come over for dinner. Sometimes we'd end up spending the whole weekend together tho. It was honestly so nice having a friend like across the street, it's been years since I've had that.

He has family living in a different state, and visited them over the holidays. The day he flew out, we got breakfast at some diner he likes and then I drove him to the airport. That was the last time I heard from him. I expected him to be busy with family and stuff, and I wasn't to surprised not to hear from him at first. I did ask him how the trip was going a couple of times. Anyway, know it's been a month and I haven't heard a thing. None of my friends who know him have heard anything either. He hasn't posted anything to social media in a while either. The trip was supposed to be over by now I thought.

I reached out to one of his friends, who I don't know as well. I think I fucked that up tho. Like I was way too direct in asking about him and I think I weirded her out. I should have been smarter, but I was just worried.

I mean he doesn't owe me anything, but it would be nice to have a little closure. Like I have no idea what happened. Did he not feel the same way about the just friends thing? Or did he just decide he didn't have time for me for other reasons? Or did he decide to stay with his family and not come back, which wouldn't surprise me that much honestly. Or is something wrong? I feel like I'm never gonna know and it sucks.

Make the Mega Gay Again

i love marge simpson. i could treat her right

The glow in the dark nail polish I got is cool but don't quite like the snot like color it leaves on my nails

I'm so goddamn stressed out rn

So, if I want to get rid of my beard permanently, I would have to get laser right? I would ask if any here have had experience with Danish places, but we don't have many Danes nor are they online that much, I think? So any more general knowledge on it is appreciated!

::: spoiler very horny post Why the fuck are there not more t4t trans guy posts on tumblr. There's plenty of MLM trans man posts (good for them!), plenty of transfemme posts, but maybe I wanna drool over a bi/straight T4T trans guy? Ever think of that tumblr

Hand over the hot guys, where the fuck are you hiding them :::

EVERYTHING is going according to plan!

Moved out of the hotel I was living in, moved in with Balkan baddie girlfriend. On that hot girl lesbian best friends and roommates type lifestyle.

Anyone else purposefully disable notifications on Youtube comments and then spend an hour trying to find your old comments to see how much and outrage you instigated?

No one? Just me? fuck

::: spoiler mental health had a minor breakdown there. slightly embarassing :::

CW Suicide

::: spoiler spoiler ___ i just cant handle being trans. I couldnt handle it when it was vaguely tolerated and now that ill probably be thrown into a camp if i transition its just an impossibility. I dont like my hobbies or friends and family very much. Id want to make a list of touristy fun things to do before a suicide in 2026/27 but I cant even think of anything I want to do. Maybe watch the movies in my blu ray collection once around? I just wish there was an anti depressant powerful enough to make me stop caring. I also hate it because I cant get a gun due to previous attempts and have to rely on hanging/household poisons and theyre pretty scary. Life just isnt worth it for me and it sucks because Im kind of privleged and just wish I could give this life to someone whod enjoy it. :::

born to passenger princess

forced to drive myself everywhere

Had a very productive day and decluttered and took recycling to the dump that they don't take on the street pickup, went to the gym, did my grocery shopping and took Rosie and Goggles to their first vet appointment and got their shots and microchips (they did really well! Goggles wanted to hold onto my shoulder and grumbled a little bit they were very good in the car and didn't scratch or anything)

::: spoiler mental health, positive mostly but ahhh stress Can tell I'm on the verge of being really burned out though

Almost road raged at slow distracted dipshits multiple times today and have been really irritable and got really overwhelmed shopping today

Lately I've felt more competent and grown up overall than I ever have before but holy shit I'm exhausted.

I'd do reprehensible things to have a competent sibling to help me take care of my parents

I'm pretty much a lone wolf and it's taking a toll

:::

Scammers on redbook continue to try to scam me by enticing me with shit from steam or google play, I merely keep talking about how they stopped making good sonic games after sonic and the black knight

My mind seems to be calming down now. Thankfully. Seems that PMS may have exacerbated my negative feelings a small bit there, but I'm coming down from it thanks to everyone sharing their stories with me in the last thread. That said...

::: spoiler CW: Dysphoria and family talk I still feel a severely profound sadness when I see a pregnant woman or woman with her child(ren). And I still feel super fake, but not nearly as badly as I did.

Furthermore, my mother just canNOT understand why I've been so depressed. I try to explain it to her and she feeds me lines like "Kids suck. You should feel lucky." I don't care. You simply just can't grasp it. JFC she just keeps trying to add gasoline to the fire. :::

I also measured my breasts for the first time since surgery about 2 months ago. My bra size is apparently 38K, but I want to try on some bras to ensure that that is actually the case. That just seems overly large to me. Granted I was a small 38F prior to surgery, but still. 38K is like true territory and seems unrealistic.

Planet fitness lunk alarm is discriminatory toward lunks like myself I've no other means to compensate for my inadequate life than through being toxic at the gym

Churches should sing more hyrns and themns

I'm really annoying today, sorry everyone

Sleep deprived and kinda fucked up off pain meds for the hand

Honestly weirdly having a really good time? Like "okay cool, I'm wounded and people expect less of me irl now for awhile and are all really nice to me"

Feel like I exorcized something losing my shit the last time and everything's coming up Milhouse now

If you happen to live in a deep blue state, exactly how much fear should you be feeling right now? My first impression is that not a whole lot will change for me except being unable to change legal sex on my passport

::: spoiler BDD Breast Driven Development 😎 :::

::: spoiler genital stuff, sex stuff

So I have virtually zero sex drive. It's never really bothered me, but part of me has always wondered if it was a low testosterone thing, and that wonder has increased drastically since I apparently had a history of that when I was way younger and my mom didn't tell me 'til very recently.

So all of that to say, I'm kind of wondering if I will gain a sex drive as my hormone levels approach what they should be. I'm also told that if I don't use my penis while on HRT it'll hurt a lot if I try to again. That's something I want to avoid, but I have quite literally never masturbated or anything out of a lack of interest. So I'm at this weird spot of maybe being horny and wanting to do sex stuff later but not really having any good way to keep my member from the edge of death.

I'm not sure how much sense I'm making. I don't really have a specific question outside of "is this a legit worry", but I'm looking for thoughts from the infinitely wise trans council :::

does "DIY HRT" mean synthesizing it yourself, or can you also buy premade stuff outside of prescriptions? I want to try to stick with prescriptions as long as I can, but I kind of want to keep some extra around just in case things get desperate here in amerikkka. if it's the former... well let's just say I'd strongly prefer the latter, if anyone can recommend reputable vendors.

does the pope shit in the woods?

Consult for laser hair removal is going pretty well. The nurse doing the consult has worked with trans patients before as was understanding (was very nervous about potential transphobic reactions). Just waiting to see the quote.

EDIT: Looking like $200/session for face + neck. I don't know if that seems high or is ballpark. I can afford it, but I am still shopping around.

Gathering forces once again.

I have been trying to come out to one of my D&D group buddies for the last four days, but every time I give him a call or try to schedule one he's unavailable. I think he's going to be accepting, but I do want to take care of this before our session this week.

Alright no more smol bean stuff I'm going to start using more capitalization so my shit is readable. Feels weird. Was just going to use my alt to do that.

I need your honest opinion on how gay was it that a dude in my freshmen year told me unprompted and in the middle of class that my eyes looked like Taylor Swift’s.

I feel like that’s not something you say to another boy…but this guy was like…straight as hell as far as I could tell, but now looking back it’s kind of weird.

uuugh I had so much creative energy a couple weeks ago and then This Week happened and all I've been able to do is lay around in bed all day

::: spoiler rant/vent/whatever about change and hrt Its been like six months since I first committed to myself to getting on diy, missed every timeframe I set myself, just can't do it. Can't bring myself to change. I don't understand why I can't change. Why I can't progress. I just can't. I'm stupid I guess. Scared. Honestly don't deserve the help. ::: spoiler suicide Never going to be able to change. So incredibly unhappy with how things are but still don't do anything to change it. Should just kill myself and get it over with. I'll never be happy, I'll never be at peace, and I'm never going to change anything. I wish I had someone to take my snakes. I wonder what will happen to them. ::: spoiler self harm Going to try and distract myself again, like I do every fucking day, and if that doesn't work I'll cut myself. Already broke my streak and I don't care. Going to kill myself anyway. What a sad, pathetic end this makes.

I remember people telling me from the time I was a child life was hard. It is, it sucks, I hate life, I hate living. Why would anyone force this shit on someone.

I don't want it to be over but I don't want to keep struggling. This sucks and I hate it and I can't change any of it. Why can't I do anything ever. Why am I a useless, pathetic sack of shit. Why am I this way and my sister is fine. Literally just bad genetics or some shit. Who gives a fuck. Someone kill me.

I take back what I said the other day, I do blame autism for this shit. NTs can change and work on themselves. I have always struggled with change and risk, no matter how small, and this is just too big for me to cope with. :::

Golden Claw retrieved for my beautiful love Camilla. Absolute zero curiosity as to what's further in this deep dark barrow. Turning around right now.

::: spoiler mild vent, slight drug mention cis friend of mine messaged me for the first time in a little bit. saw the noto and was kind of hoping he was gonna be checking in, seeing how i was doing given the Everything of Everything going on. he was just complaining about how cold it is outside. yeah, sure, thanks for checking in buddy, guess i'll just go back to getting high alone

idk. maybe i'm being uncharitable.
:::

I don’t know if I’m put together enough to deal with the facial hair I’ll get from hrt.

kill james bond cancelled for not liking flushed away

Is it perhaps a little overly dramatic to be playing the ME2 finale music in my head just for getting dressed to go out to the mailbox? Probably, but fuck it, if it's what it takes to get me outside to pick up my pride pins and sapphic lit then it's what we're doing.

::: spoiler CW alcoholism/current transphobic laws in US well shit. if all my legal documents are going to say i'm a man it might just make shopping for booze too weird for me to buy any anymore. in a weird sense it might even help my drinking :::

it's the long-awaited return of music monday - watcha been listening to? also don't judge me for the grimes album okay her music is good

flying whales by gojira

Need some advice from comrades in Germany: Is there any way to get GCS here without doing multiple months of therapy? I can't see how I could manage to get a slot at a psychotherapist, given how overworked they all seem to be, and I've got everything else done, so to speak, so I'm not even sure there'd be much of a point in therapy right now. Thanks in advance!

Reposting since I posted it right before the last megathread closed

So, previously I put out feelers for a super-specific idea for a TTRPG campaign and didn't get particular traction. That's okay.

I want to put out more general feelers for a tracha tabletop roleplaying game thing. For opsec and accessibility purposes, I am still thinking scheduled synchronous text chat with matrix chat. For the game system, would rule out D&D 5e or other neo-trad game, but would otherwise be open. My current preferences for running games leans towards OSR/NSR games, but I still enjoy more narrative games as well (PbtA, FitD, etc...).

A while ago, I filled in for someone who called in sick in mental health - they didn't have anybody to cover this new patient they were accepting and they were a kid and we had the extra staff. Anyway, sitting in that little room in silence was one of the best few hours of work I'd had in a while. One of the regulars came in to cover, finally, but they still needed 2. We sat together in total silence reading for an hour, I switched with someone from my unit, and when my coworker came back she talked about how horrible it was just sitting in silence lol. I got way too many people who always want my ear or my opinion or there's some proverbial fire to handle at work and then home everyone's yakking or I have some event or agreed to a presentation.

But that few hours in calm silence and peace was so sweet~

I do not get the people that find all the socializing stuff I have to do daily between work and home life as appealing. Put me back in a quiet room with no one else or at least someone who doesn't want to talk

sigh :c

Does anyone have a saved version/instructions on how to save a local version of the whole website that shows u how to make ur own HRT from E powder?

wtf is Tyler Perry doing I’m watching a guy consoling his weeping girlfriend intercut with a wacky grandma getting surrounded by police helis for dropping a rich lady’s car with a forklift

::: spoiler complaining about people on Twitter Trans girls will really be like:
“Comparing yourself to pretty people online is so bad for your mental health, sometimes you need to just touch grass and be out in the world 🥰”

And then you go on their profile and they are the pretty people online posting thirst traps giving everyone brainworms and pass enough to go outside. :::

Can’t wait to make cookies tomorrow

My gf is calling my posts “cringe”

Lord help me I’m thinking of playing Skyrim again. TBF it has been like 7 years since I last played it.

Lashki the Kind has propossed to Camila, just having to organised the wedding in Riften. I had saved up 7,500 so I could buy the Tundra Homestead outside of Whiterun and start to set up the Golden Hills farm. I adopted the homeless girl Luca (and gave the homeless man Brenuin a job as a farm hand because Luca says he was the only adult looking out for her in Whiterun). Playing survival so I had to ride all the way to Riften, which is really neat. Following the signs and paths. Found a pet rabbit for my daughter along the way.

I have Chyrsamere, Spell Knight armour and I'm riding a reindeer. Kind of game breaking as Chrysamere and the spellknight gear has the comparable stats as Daedric, but I'm appreciaitng not having to grind given I've done that lots in the past. I like the idea of my Paladin riding in all shiny and heroic to sweep Camila off her feet.

I doing restoration, two handed and heavy armor. I'm planning to avoid too many crafting things like smithing/alchemy/enchanting and I'm not min-maxing my stats. This character is built more around finding cool enchanted gear and using that. Working my way towards the Warlock ring in fishing because I think it will synergize well with Two-handed (it casts a ward when you block like spellbreak which gives my paladin a neat mage/dragon deterence with their two-handed sword)

R.I.P. Watto

::: spoiler CW alcoholism i've actually been so nervous recently that i've been wanting to not drink and frankly i'm a little terrified at what that means :::

New Mega

My gf actually thinks Marble Zone Act 2 isn’t the best level in the original Sonic the Hedgehog.
What a moron

Is it risky to pierce your earlobe at home? Feels like every second girl I know did that in her teens, so it has to be pretty safe right?

习近平，我的人民渴望自由。请发送东风导弹

bit idea: anprim who calls the 2038 problem the 2038 solution

Interesting observation

jason mantzoukas on taskmaster season 19 👀

awwwwwrrrufff!!

hot diggity dog

I am not a nerd

Yesterday: I'm gonna get so much done tomorrow. I'll get up early take ADHD meds. Need to wash clothes

Today

Brain: very sleepy, we dysphoric

Me: but... Washing clothes, working out, stuff

Brain: I said very sleepy, we dysphoric

I guess

It would be really funny if Riley from Trashfuture did transition, after the constant harassment from Mattie and November.

Love is Blind Germany may have been the worst season of this stupid show I've ever seen. Just awful.

Anyway check out this Sonic drawing

Where do y'all spray fragrance? Got this eau de toilette that I just spritz a little on chest + wrists but apparently it's a huge debate??

New megathread: https://hexbear.net/post/4362412

The banging tree