hi, does anyone wanna make the mega in the upcoming weeks? if so, reply to this post and i'll add you to the list!

the list as it stands:

SwitchyandWitchy* (1/20 (The darkest day in the history of our democracy.) - 1/26)
SILLY BEAN@lemmygrad.ml* (1/27 - 2/2)
AshenWolf* (2/3 - 2/9)
GayTuckerCarlson* (2/10 - 2/16)
oscardejarjayes* (2/17 - 2/23)
EstraDoll (2/24 - 3/2)
Eco* (3/3 - 3/9)

​ * after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters

https://matrix.to/#/#tracha-space:transfem.dev

https://rentry.co/tracha#tracha-rooms

join the tracha space you nerds, we're ircing

Fact: the freckles on my arm are infinitely cuter when they're not under arm hair

DICTATORSHIP OF THE QUEER

Yes… ha ha ha… YES!

I just introduced myself with she/her pronouns to an entire 75 student class for the first time and it STRESSED me out but it was ultimately painless

It turns out /c/196's mod team is majority cis lmao CW: blahaj All that concern trolling about how Hexbear is full of fake trans people when it turns out their mod team is full of cissies.

Upvote to put me back to sleep

when the scam-caller calls you “ma’am”

My wife had the nerve to leave for work without giving me a forehead kiss

I'm sitting here on my bed and I can't stop imagining myself with boobs. I thought that was a more secondary desire but now that I'm actually on E I actually can't focus cause I'm thinking about my future boobs

bit idea: t4t straight couple where the boyfriend is complaining that his GF keeps leaving the toilet seat up

down with cis

up with trans

hawk you i won't tuah you tell me

Being a boy is awkwardly sitting there doing nothing and handing your dad tools while he actually does stuff.

Being a woman is doing the same thing except with your wife.

::: spoiler im overwhelmed

My friend has been so fucking weird with me and needing constant unending intense emotional support around her life and specifically around her jealousy of myself and one of our friends fucking. I keep trying to tell her that i cant be a suppirt person in this for her, but nothing changes, and i keep having the same conversation over and over and its fucking exhausting and i just want it to end. The convo isnt productive, and its sole purpose is for her to get reassurance that we wont fuck when im clear and adamant that that us stopping wont happen, because us fucking is none of her business. We all live together and she wants me to text her any time we are gonna fuck but also doesnt ever want to know about it and i keep telling her that its not appropriate or healthy for us to have that depth and style of communication and she agrees with me and then a couple days later asks for it again and we have the exact same convo all over again

Anyway i keep asking for space and she doesnt give it to me and she gets upset and feels like im "leaving her" when i go to my room for distance and space. Im so done with this.

built some furniture for my wife

::: spoiler CW: Severe dysphoria and depression, discussion of self-harm, relationship and familial issues I can't be around here right now. Everything is setting of severe dysphoria and depression. I've had to completely disconnect from any talk about gender, sex, or relationships as it torpedoes my mental state immediately. I've even been avoiding my friends and "family." Family being my mother and sister, who are now on the verge of being tossed out of my fucking life. It's like everyone lacks empathy. No one understands the sheer immensity of the pain and suffering I'm going through right now. "Just cheer up. Smile and you'll be fine. That's no reason to be so upset." Thanks mom. Go fuck yourself. You've not exactly been the most helpful during my transition these last few years. The shadow of my ex continues to hang over me and I've destroyed some things in my house that remind me of him. I've been extremely not well if that's not clear. I even skipped out on making the topic this week cause I just can't. I'm glad I value my life so highly otherwise I might not be here right now. It's crossed my mind on more than one occasion recently, too. Even my therapist isn't fucking helping me. Ugh.

I just wish I was born a woman. I feel like a horrible facsimile. Like someone was given a doll and parts and told to do their best. This vagina. These breasts. They all feel horrendously fake. I feel like someone took a hobby knife to a Ken doll and just did what they could. I can't stand it. I just want to feel me. I wish I could've grown up properly. I wish I could have a uterus. I wish I could have children to raise and watch grow up and give a good life to. I wish I could've had all those experiences in life that cis-women just take for granted. I can't take this. I just can't. :::

I know almost none of you really know me or care about me and I apologize for shitting up the mega. All of you are so happy with what you're going through that you don't deserve to see the absolute trainwreck that is my life right now. I'm sorry, but with no one to properly just vent to, I resort to coming here. Legitimately if you don't like it and don't care to see this, I will stop. Just tell me in reply or PM. Seriously.

LETS FUCKING GO guess who just got prescribed HRT

Upsides of wearing a dress: looking and feeling cute

Downside: I now want to get ripped so I can have giant arms

I finally got back on HRT last week lesgooo

I am happy to announce to you all that the last couple of days have been much better for me, overall Not much of note gender-wise using a fresh razor helps so much good lord but yea, I've gotten to feel like me again and its very nice.

Bit idea: IT manager with it/its pronouns.

My face is so smooth after shaving.
I think the laser is working

downloaded bumble again for the first time in a while and the only 4 options you get for your political leanings:

Apolitical Moderate Liberal Conservative

in that order too? fuck off

The more I think about it, the less I care about changing all my documents and shit. The name I use for paperwork basically never comes up in normal interactions, and when it does I genuinely just find it funny. Like, a security guard one time who said "huh, thats a weird name to give to a girl, what was your mom thinking!!" or an old ass man who looked at me like Im an alien when and he looked up my registration. Maybe I'm stupid cuz it might put me in danger or something, but after 4 ish years of being stealth, I don't even care about being outed anymore. Actually, I kinda wish I was more visually trans sometimes, because I know for a fact some of the people I work with and see every day don't know any trans people (or at least don't know that they know) and only hear about them on fox news and shit. Anyways... Ramble over, thanks for reading it :D

Having to misgender and deadname yourself at the marriage office sucks

aww yis first, morning

::: spoiler mention of transphobic "friends" I expressed frustration that some people I used to associate myself with cared more about the shape of my hardware than me as a person and was told that a big problem in left wing circles is ascribing malicious intent to people with good intentions.

I'm sorry but what good intentions can I ascribe to transphobes? I have explicitly told every person who had a bad reaction to me coming out to them that if they asked me why I'd chosen to transition I'd tell them, and not one of them have asked. They objectively do not care to understand me. What good intentions can I possibly ascribe to a person who intentionally invalidates me knowing it hurts me? :::

My department is renovating my department's building and apparently one of the changes they're making is turning our gender neutral restrooms into larger gendered restrooms even though literally no one asked for that. Their rationale is "none of the other departments have gender neutral restrooms" 😞

god damn that girl in the mirror is finally starting to just look like a clocky ass trans femme and not just some kind of soft faced guy now this is really nice

i like estrogen because every time i look in the mirror i look slightly more pretty than i did a few weeks ago

Explaining your brainworms to another person makes you realize how much brainworms you have.
Like…Jesus, I am mentally ill

ugh. the irl trans people i know are being libs and questionably racist now

::: spoiler religious transphobia "God doesn't make mistakes"

I'm not religious anymore but I've never understood this one. It argues the exact opposite conclusion than it's traditionally used to argue.

It's a fact that trans people exist. If God exists and doesn't make mistakes, he made trans people, and therefore transness can't be a mistake. If God doesn't make mistakes, trans people are beautiful. I don't understand how this could possibly be argued any other way :::

Something I’ve learned from Xiaohongshu is that goth lesbians very much transcend language and nationality

Bif of a mixed bag on Xiaohongshu regarding trans people. I see a lot of "Don't ask don't tell" sort of responses, including some "We don't care, but it's not for kids" type talk. When it comes to non-binary, there are a lot of "we don't have 96 genders in China" type responses.

On posts by trans and gnc people, I don't really see any negative comments.

Comment thread and top liked replies:

any album that ends with 20 minutes of silence then a bonus track should have the silence removed on streaming services

literally only makes sense on cds

8 months HRT and I can start to feel my body weight center shift down from my waist to my ass and thighs and it feels great

Back on the dating market now that my ex left me, she gave me an ultimatum that either the hawk tuah merch goes or she does.

::: spoiler depression It's been so bad recently. I've barely gotten out of bed. I got some legos I wanted to put together. They sit, partially built on my table. Haven't touched it in like a week. My head hurts from the depression.

People keep telling me it will get better and it just gets worse. I can't do anything. I can't take care of myself. How will it get better. Most of what I'm depressed about won't change.

I'm still suffering. Why can't it stop. Why can't I just be happy. Why is this how I work.

I feel completely consumed by it. I can't stop, I can't escape. Why am I trapped like this. Why do I have to be this way.

Why is everyone else so different from me. :::

::: spoiler spoiler

Im infatuated with multiple people and it kinda sucks, why must the heart yearn for pretty women to just hold me close?

is it me or do men misgender you more than anyone else? it just clicked to me like 5 minutes ago that women almost never misgender me at work but men frequently do. Am I going crazy here or is this just a normal thing?

I just remembered a thing I used to do a lot. I'd have a thought about one of my lady friends that included the word "she" or "her" and it would stun lock me and I'd just sit there thinking about the word and sometimes even saying it out loud and admiring the way it sounded and wondering why he and him couldn't sound as nice and thinking that unfair lol.

It's so funny to me thinking back to how CLUELESS I was in comparison to how obvious things should have been

::: spoiler major venting, processing (cw enmeshment and codependency)

I am so tired of my friend. She is in a codependent friendship with me that i am trying to get out of while she dives deeper into the hatred that comes with the slow withdrawl of ones therapist (me). Istg if i spoke to her the way she speaks to me she would freak tf out.

Shes homeless and we are housing her, and i want to stay dedicated to that, but it has been months of her making my life more and more painful, because she is upset that i spend intimiate time with my roomie and not with her. I didnt even reduce the amount of quality time with her, i just started spending intimate time with my roomie.

Me and my difficult friend spend most days together, i am her (perhaps only) source of codependent emotional validation, and she is pissed at me (like, staring daggers at me for daring to leave my room, being snippy petty and shitty, trying to control me, etc.) for not wanting to do that anymore and trying to establish a boundary around my time and emotional energy. I poured so much energy into her because i genuinely like her friendship when she is in a good space, and i wanted to help her get back on her feet again.

I struggle so much with codependency and she knows this, and ive been upfront with her about the ways ive contributed to the codependent friendship between us. I am trying to tell her again and again that she needs friends beyond just me and my roomie, but she doesnt try to make friends. So then i have to choose between emotionally abandoning this person or upholding my own boundaries and preserving my emotional sanity and safety.

I need an emotionally safe space for myself and she is taking that away by doing things like banging on my door to ask if it is ok to throw away a piece of trash that isnt even mine. It was clearly a ploy to try and let me know how pissed she is with me; its only recently ive stopped modifying my behavior and agreeing to unhealthy things (like texting her whenever me and roomie go to one of our rooms together) to make her less pissed off, make her not be angry with me. I think she recognized this and thats why she only talks to me about her issues and not my roomie, cause my roomie established boundaries early on. Im so exhausted of having her hate me for not spending all waking moments with her.

Were all supposed to move together, try to find a house, but im legitimately terrified to sign a lease with her. I refuse to bring this dynamic with me into a new home. Plus where we are now has fantastic sound isolation and wherever we move will be far worse: her main complaint is hearing us fuck, which we have taken steps to reduce and eliminate where possible. However we havent fucked in like a month, and she has complained about us every time we go to one of our rooms. She complained today that she could hear us talking last night and it kept her up which 1 no it fucking did not, we were not talking loud, she heard murmurs and hyperfixated on them i know because i have heard her shouting in her room and it is not fucking loud at all and 2 if thats happening come knock on the fucking door instead of sulking all night. Talk to us and ask us to be quieter when its quiet hours in the apt block. If its outside quiet hours put on some ocean waves or other ambient music. And also like I cant read your fucking mind and shouldnt have to deal with your hatred and vitriol for failing to! Its like she expects me to solve her problems for her without telling me about them, and the only solution acceptable to her is such an extreme contortion for me that its completely unacceptable! I have no fucking sexual autonomy in my own fucking home anymore!

I need out of this dynamic, i need her to have housing, i want her to be happy, and i want her and i to be ok in our friendship. But right now, i think i have to choose between the needs and the wants, because i cant get out of this dynamic and ensure shes housed while also making sure shes happy and were ok. I think I have to stop caring about her feelings and that scares me so much and really activates my own self hatred. ::: In summation:

ive successfully switched classes from an asshole teacher who took an insane problem with me to a class that seems to have a good and mature professor. Besides that whole debacle my week has been pretty good. I have a job now too!

I think one of the main reasons why trans rights are such a common litmus test is because it demonstrates how easily someone is willing to live-and-let-live, and to have space for others.

The reality is literally the other way around of

:::spoiler reactionary talking point

"forcing their way of life onto us".

If someone says "I am a X" and a dweller responds with "no, you are not a X, and here's why I am so certain about that as a third party", that is an act of forcing their worldview/lifestyle onto other people.

:::

it's crazy that literally everyone who ever watched animorphs or read the books is transgender now. every single one

My fellow USAmerican trans folk... How are we feeling about the upcoming inauguration?

What do I do if my style evolves past just tomboy?
Do I change my name?
How will I ever think of a similarly funny 4chan pun?

awwwwwrufff!!!

I feel silly for feeling like this lmao but I'm honestly so happy that I just got a nice used car

My old one was almost as old as I am and is falling apart and just a total POS at this point

The new (old) car is like ten years old and nothing fancy really but it's well maintained and clean and in really good condition and I somehow got it for 4 figures and it feels like an unfathomable amazing luxury to my broke ass that's used to everything in my life being frustrating shitty bullshit

Driving it home I was amazed by how nice the interior is and how it smells nice instead of faintly moldy and I felt like, underdressed for how nice it feels to me? Like this is a car somebody with their shit together probably drives and I'm a weirdo mess but goddamn this is one of the best things that's happened to me in ages and I'm really happy about it

Feeling so overwhelmed rn

Heh, nice argument, but you see, I have depicted myself as the 500mg of estradiol per day, and you as the 0.5 mg weekly

I like how "NB" is apparently Chinese internet slang for very cool/awesome.

::: spoiler cw for depression but this is a positive story. This is basically just me journaling but also you get to read it

So about five years ago I was an extremely depressed teenager. I remember crying for hours on hours one night, and then after that, I kind of turned off my intense emotions as a defense mechanism. I could still laugh or be annoyed, but I couldn't cry or see beauty or be angry at the world.

This winter was the most difficult of my life. I've messed up, I've lost friendships, I've failed in college, I've been addicted to weed, I've not been the person I want to be. But I was also able to cry for the first time in five years. Not just sniffles and a tear, proper bawling my head off ugly crying. And since then, I have been able to cry at bad things and good things. I got rejected by someone I liked and I cried - last time that happened, and the time before, I felt nothing. I watched the final episode of Mob Psycho and I cried a lot. I didn't cry when it first came out, and I already knew what was going to happen. I'd seen it before, but I cried this time. I also sat on a bench with my friends and looked at the Irish coast and saw the light and the colours and movement and it was beautiful.

Growing is hard and painful. Its one thing to know this intellectually, and another entirely to experience it. You also don't get to choose when you grow. It just happens out of necessity. I'm about to turn 22 and I've only just realized how much time I could have ahead of me, and I need to decide how I'm going to live.

I like analyzing media and looking at characters. I criticize bad character arcs and appreciate strong characterisation. But I've just begun trying in earnest to write a novel, and I've realized how little I actually understand about the human experience. How can I write about things I've never gone through? I don't know, but I'll try.

I'm becoming an adult, for real, actually this time. When I started college I was only an adult in technicality. Now I'm soon leaving college and I've been forced to change. It makes me want to change myself on purpose, and control who I am. When I started college I felt sad, because I felt like I was closing the chapter of my life that was childhood, which I never wanted to end. Now I'm leaving college and I feel like the training wheels have come off, and I can be so much faster and freer. Living is a strange thing, and I'd like to find out more about it. :::

as of today all of my clothes are "women's" clothes! i'd say i haven't been boymoding for several months now, but now i'm super ultra mega officially not boymoding i guess

Once again crying over the simple pleasure of warm leftover stew

i got dragged to a catholic service last sunday and it was boring af

how do people do that every week. at least the evangelical church i grew up in had energy

Every once in a while, we get an adult patient off serviced to my unit (there are some caveats, nobody with complex hip repairs, nobody with stroke, nobody with complicated mental health needs, etc).

I have to give them an IV or a shot of some kind every once in a while, like SQ morphine or heparin or sometimes some grody IM shot. And, without fail, I will say "good job" or "good girl" or "good boy" 🤦‍♀️ after the shot/IV start is over. I try not to, I really do, some of em get a kick out of it, some are stoically silent and I apologize - I swear its just because I work mostly with kids and that's what I do after they're done the tough painful brave thing. I'm not trying to infantalize, I've taken to warning them now because even when I was trying my hardest not to I'd still slip up lol

xhs keeps recommending me lesbian videos

::: spoiler CW SA:SV So uh I read the vulture article about Neil Gaiman I've got 4.5 Neil Gaiman books/comics I've taken off from my shelf.

Sometimes I separate the art from the artist like I have a cheap copy of the road and Cormac Mccarthy is dead, so him being a nonce as we found out last year feels different.

But Neil Gaiman is alive and his crimes are pretty bad. I don't really feel I could ever read these again and enjoy them. Or recommend them.

Also the specific details of his abuse are very similar to a case I dealt with years ago in my old work and it's brought up some bad memories there.

I probably should donate them but I'm tempted to toss them. The 0.5 is good omens but I'm sure Terry Pratchett would be fine with my fisbee-ing it into a skip if he was alive. :::

Hey can I share a v embarrassing personal emotional song connection+lyrical explanation thing here?

I remembered the new mega this week. You all should be proud

Just took my morning meds and it's almost 8pm, powerful

My shit has definitely atrophied on hrt.
Not that I was very strong before.

Managed to fix my sleep schedule, then I woke up in the middle of the night from a nightmare and couldn't sleep and now it's fucked again

Had to get some government stuff updated.

Thank god this trans guy is here to get my stuff squared away, every time I gotta do something government for my gender or name it's always like pulling teeth and "eh I dunno if we can do that..." until eventually I get someone who half asses it and I have to get whatever else fixed. Also, used my pronouns right keep on rocking 👍

hello

Why are cigarettes deathly unhealthy when they're such a vibe?

Came out to a friend I haven't seen in a year last night. He asks, "What about your gender presentation/expression? You look the same as always." I want to be gracious, and I know he's just trying to be supportive and take an interest in my life, but the interview was kinda tough.

i am running out of room on my bed for more plushies and it is A Problem.

Just saw on xhs that some trans women in china use 🍥 as a trans symbol because of the packaging a lot of them get their E in.

This is so cute I love it, no notes.

i wish bean bags were good

I have to start finding a replacement for my HRT soon, I only have enough to last the month... but theres so much fucking work to do fucking gah

It’s hard to scroll and watch reality tv when it’s in a foreign language

Back on the mones, hopefully no more interruptions now that I've got my jizz frozen

What if instead of hexbear it was hexcare for your trans comrades? ::: spoiler spoiler :::

After a year, doing my estrogen injections are just a normal, mildly annoying part of life, and not super exciting like they used to be. I know it was bound to happen at some point, but still a bit sad. On the other hand, there's something nice about feeling it's a natural part of life too, like it's just who I am and that's just normal, not weird or exciting.

mmmm....

long hair on back of neck feels nice :)

::: spoiler my own maladaptive processes

I hate my brain sometimes. I tried to express to someone who called me pretty that they were also attractive and was hit with overwhelming waves of feeling predatory for even finding someone attractive. I hate my brain. Idk if i even want to fuck this person, i think i just want to be their friend, but i still feel predatory for even finding them attractive in the first place, let alone that i expressed that to them.

I hate my internalized transphobia.

Reminder to join our group chat :D We had a name change

https://matrix.to/#/#tracha:transfem.dev

got to watch Nosferatu in a theater all to myself, which was great because 1) I feel awkward watching sex scenes with other people, even if they're strangers several feet away from me, and 2) I got to sit in girly positions without feeling self conscious about it, and stand up when I felt tired of sitting

Also lots of very feelings today

There were like 10 boomers posted up outside the planned parenthood with nothing better to do than annoy people going in 🙄

Who up transing their gender

Yelled at my boss about patient care stuff (boring beaurocratic stuff, she's making exceptions to our off service adult patients and it keeps being a problem when she's not around because of it). That was cool

Going back and looking at older trans megas feels strangely nostalgic, and it makes me realize just how many people have come and gone. Granted, many could very well be on alt accounts, but seeing (-57) comments on a thread also gives me some sense of dread. Really hammers home just how fleeting this all could be, and how much things can change in a matter of months. I just hope everyone from back then is alright.

When can I expect the increase in my emotional range now that I've got some estrogen flowing through me? Please don't tell me it depends like everything else 😭

ff

hate it when the site calls me out

Microplastics fuck with your hormones so I think it's fair to say everyone on Earth is on HRT

When I said I wanted ED this is not what I meant

Drinkin' gay baby juice

This shit ain't nothing to me man

my meds are here! now i can go back to being anxious about... everything else

I'm still thinking about what I'm going to be doing shortly after I'm done the 2 year return to service agreement up here in my home town

Long term, I do want to get something called an NP (masters degree, nurse practitioner, you get to prescribe with doctors supervision, they end up taking on a lot of care on more remote and rural areas cause we just don't have enough family GPs so it's like an NP is in town and a GP helps remotely that one and a few others). I do want to get into family medicine - it's a specific stream: neonate, family, adults - and I was hoping to focus on trans healthcare in particular up here where there is literally none. The closest is a 5 hour drive and he's retiring in short order but holding on purely for his trans patients...

I think I'd need some mental health nursing practice hours for my long term interests. When we did mental health in nursing school, it was really hard - I ended up identifying a lot with the patients and I'd get pissed we didn't let them smoke when they wanted or let them roam a little more freely, I even yelled at the nursing staff about it lol. I'm not looking forward to inpatient mental health care but I don't know what else to do, I still have like 8 months to think about it and look anyway. Otherwise, I could just keep working with kids. Pediatrics emergency, pediatrics ICU, maybe public health (lots of vaccinations and well baby visits etc).

I love winter, had such a nice soft blue morning glow with a gentle snowfall while I was walking to school today. Just wish I had more fem winter clothes to wear so I can be as pretty as everything else.

Been hearing that trans people have been getting bullied on RedNote. Is this true? I’ve been on that app for a year and never really noticed any strong anti-queer behavior compared to places like instagram

::: spoiler CW mild NSFW. This is wild. So Facetune has an AI for roasting your outfits. There appears to be some guardrails around nudity but not for... ... softcore Bdsm photos. So it's generating responses to some pics I submitted like

"this look says 'kidnapped tourist' chic meets ultimate basement lounging disaster, the gag is the only accessory, and it's a choice"

Obviously AI bad. But it can be funny when these cracks gets exploited. :::

the nerdy friend from Jesse is trans now?

Work fuckin sucked this weekend, charge duties, way too many patients, staff calling out and no one picking up, sicker kids than the last week, bleh. Glad it's over

I am smoothing

"wow, a nickel deposit! how exciting" - no one has ever said this while playing space engineers

I Friday Rice

I swear to god the two people at this coffee place are dating and they are both some of the most attractive people I've ever seen

Once nice thing about RedNote is I have a place to post self pics that have an effectively 0% chance of being seen by my (anti-China) family.

I swear recently I can feel that I've shrunk almost an inch in height. Like everything feels faintly shorter now even though it's extremely unlikely that I actually shrunk quickly enough to notice like that

Do I message the admins if I want new pronouns added? Craving cat based pronouns.

Also at that there's so many cat/kitten based pronouns I can't decide which I like best

tiktok taught me that it's okay to be weird

(but unironically some of the trans influencers there helped push me to realize I'm trans. gonna miss that timesink 🥲)

friday rice? friday rice

Went out shopping (for a bit) in full femme outfit today: black tank top + b/w flannel + leather jacket + full makeup. I was wearing a mask since I am still coughing/recovering, but I had full eye makeup (shiny eyeshadow, eyeliner, mascara and brow pencil). Also wearing a layered chain necklace and a matching studded choker, along with a studded belt and combat boots. Outerwear was a black leather coat. It was really fun, and I want to post it to RedNote but I don't know what tags to use

::: spoiler CW: Dysphoria, passing anxiety Right before going out, I sent some pics to a male friend (platonic) that I am out to see if he thought whether my mask made me "look more femme" (i.e., help getting closer to passing). He said there was no difference. I don't think he was being mean, but that really hurt for some reason.

I've mostly just come out to my old gaming buddies, who are unfortunately cismen. I need to come out to my women friends in town to get better opinions and advice, and I desperately need to make friends with local trans people. :::

::: spoiler dysphoria posting, kind of but not really i only ever have two moods anymore

"I don't pass!" (I look like a man and people gender me as male and I feel bad)

"I don't pass!" (I am a menace to gender norms and society with just my very presence) :::

::: spoiler dysphoria "self care" actually sucks ass and I remember why I neglect myself. Holy shit I never want to shave again. Fucking awful. Now that my clothes are back on I think I'm stabilizing but I went from "okay" to very much not okay.

Didn't even get half done god I have to force myself to do that again don't I. And soon all that work will be gone. :::

::: spoiler CW: Transphobia, identification documents, health insurance, forced outing More fuckery with my passport application. After sending it in for a correction after they failed to put the correct gender marker on it, they now sent me a letter (which took a week to arrive) that I need to send in my birth certificate. As far as I can tell from the state department website, there is no requirement to send in proof of citizenship with a DS-5504, so I am annoyed and nervous. I am including another letter with the relevant web pages about the data correction and gender marker change policies, but I am beginning to despair. I am now worried that the policy could change before the processing of the passport is complete.

Health insurance at work is also starting to be a nightmare. The HR system allows you not to disclose gender/sex, but that's fake because you have to pick a binary sex for the health insurance. The HR representative also used transphobic language in the email letting me know about this, so that's pretty bad as well. I put it down as female, and then updated my gender identity info as well to make it clear. Not adding pronouns yet since that pops up without digging into the profile, so at least I can avoid that involuntary outing, but it really sucks overall.

I am now worried that the insurance company is going to ask for proof of sex at some point, and until I get my passport I don't have any IDs that have the correct gender marker (updating state ID is out of the question).

:::

45 minutes wasted so far today from my coworkers not being able to weigh ingredients properly

ready penis one

i finally finished children of memory and came to report it, just to find out that it's no longer my megathread :cri:

::: spoiler spoiler i get why this book is kinda divisive - it breaks from the format of the first two heavily - but i loved it, though i'll admit i'm still processing the final 100 or so pages. the idea of the machine itself being sentient (or as sentient as anything can be) is a pretty fascinating question though :::

::: spoiler socially awkward bullshit, misgendering, spaghetti and self outting for no good reason Had a weird interaction irl where I got flustered about a stranger misgendering me and just blurted out me outing myself

The key fob thing at my gym went out at some point between when I got there today and when these other people showed up, so I kept having to open the door for them and explain it to them

This one (very attractive tbh, like idk really how I feel about cis women at this point TBH but like, damn girl, good for you, she probably has never skipped a squat set) has me open the door for her, I explain everything, right after she shows up and says she's gonna send the owner a thing about the key thing, this older (busted tbh but she was weird to me so I don't feel bad about saying that) lady shows up

I let her in while she's locked out

First thing she says is some shit about some Sinclair ass local news shit she saw like "I saw a thing about how this lady opened the door at her gym for a stranger and then he assaulted her!!'

...and I'm just like, "well for the record I'm queer, so don't worry"

Haven't outed myself to a stranger in a long time but fuck, what a weird interaction

:::

anyone want to work with me

i could do with competent coworkers

old-fashioned with shrimple syrup

white boy shocks everyone in the restaurant by touching a live wire

::: spoiler mental health, family shit, trauma but like, turning a corner and optimistic

Had an awful day and a really ugly family blowup

Thought I might actually lose it

Made it through the day with no incidents

Even did my gym sets and got girl scout cookies ordered from (former) crush (they're apparently a troupe leader and have been since they were a kid? Anyways yay cookies, they're nice and I think I'm mostly over my emo shit about that but w/e)

Anyways despite having been really tempted to commit (several) felonies and barely preventing myself from that, I decided after that to find a therapist again and work on CPTSD shit

I may not be able to fully get my shit together yet, but I'm now open to consulting with a shit-cartographer to at least map out where my shit isn't together

:::

She judge my slop too harshly

::: spoiler genital-related query Is it weird to moisturize your balls? :::

Feelin' tired and sad today

Keep thinking about a stranger I ran into yesterday and wish I had been more outgoing and friendly, they seemed cool but I was stressed out and probably seemed bitchy and not very approachable

I feel like such a fuckin' goober a lot of the time in public but worry that I come across as intimidating or something

i swear to god every time i see office workers reminiscing on the time they got to stay home and bake sourdough or whatever while there was a plague i want to injure them

unlimited rice on the hexbear world

it's bolshevikProglace now. ::: spoiler small nsfw if this doesn't make me eepy and/or horny i want a refund :::

Omg modded Minecraft is so much fun

The new partner love is flowing very strongly. Trying to get prepped for Valentine's day. Anyone know of some nice stockings with hearts on them?

Ash was such a fake friend trading Butterfree for a rat, don't care for the 10 year old excuse I was a perfect 10 yo myself who never traded one of my friends

awwwwoooooooo

One more 11 hour shift today, then a 3 day weekend

ICYMI I canceled your mother's insurance

Page loaded then i got jumpscared by a gateway timeout error

slept for 12 hours

facebook ceo, mark dinkleberg

i have a record from a band that got "cancelled" for want of a better word a few years ago and i finally have got over my weird aversion to listening to it

like it's not to the level of lostprophets where the act just ruins the art for me, but i've still been putting it off for years despite already owning a physical copy and thus not giving them any more money

::: spoiler another shitty vent post ::: spoiler dooming I guess, just being stupid I want as few fucking nights like tonight as possible. Just awful.

A friend pointed out that all I do is vent but I never move forward. She's right. That is what I do.

Why did me and my life have to turn out so shit. Why can so many others deal with this and I can't. Suffering doesn't make you stronger, it has slowly destroyed me. I'm not a happy child any more. I'm a dead eyed adult. god I wish heaven was real. My one life, gone, ruined. Wasted. Unable to make anything of it. Because I am a disgusting waste of a human being.

I can't move forward, there's nothing there anyway. I don't blame being trans, or autistic, I blame myself. Because I am a waste. Everyone around me has tried to help, tried to support. I just suck all of their efforts down. I'm sorry for wasting so much of your time.

I don't even know why I'm a failure like this. By all accounts I shouldn't be. Maybe if I struggled more as a child I'd have been able to cope better. Maybe if I suffered less as an adult I'd be able to cope better. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Like it matters.

What matters is I can't do better. I don't understand how other people can and I can't. All the other questions have been answered. I understand so much. But not that. Why is everyone else so much more able then me.

Sorry. There really was no point saying this. I guess knowing other people know how I feel helps. Or something. I can't explain it. :::

Hi again everyone. So I sorta kinda had a mental breakdown.

::: spoiler CW: Dysphoria, mental health stuff I already wasn’t doing great over the holidays break and then I just sort of went off the rails and spent like a solid day or two crying or trying not to cry. I wrote down a bunch of stuff to try to process it, which was a VERY good idea in hindsight. There’s a lot I want to say about it but I maybe need to collect my thoughts a bit better before giving the full version.

The short version is that over the years I’ve learned to disassociate as a coping mechanism, and once I realized I was trans I wanted to move away from that, which is a good thing, of course. The catch though is that, given I have a long time before being able to fully transition, my identity and sense of self is propped up by the ideal version of myself that I’m trying to become. Something I was reading got me thinking back again on how I’d previously experience the world as an egg. Knowing what I know now, however, I was no longer able to disassociate from my current or past reality and just started to spiral. :::

On a positive note, I was able to identify a lot of thoughts and feelings that went previously unexplored. I also realize much more how important it is our identities (including terms and categories we fit into) really match our personal experience. Very relevant to this, in my free time away from most of the internet ended up finally reading Trans Liberation: Beyond Pink or Blue which was better than I expected. One thing that really made an impact on me is how focused on people’s real feelings and experiences it was. I was expecting something more academic, but it was very personal. I also felt it was much more radically inclusive of trans experiences than modern discourse usually allows. I knew before that Feinberg defined “trans” as a broad umbrella, but it was still interesting to see hir reasoning explained further. Here’s a great example from the book:

::: spoiler CW, because it briefly mentions SA

We are a movement of masculine females and feminine males, cross-dressers, transsexual men and women, intersexuals born on the anatomical sweep between female and male, gender-blenders, many other sex and gender-variant people, and our significant oth-ers. All told, we expand understanding of how many ways there are to be a human being. Our lives are proof that sex and gender are much more complex than a delivery room doctor's glance at genitals can determine, more variegated than pink or blue birth caps. We are oppressed for not fitting those narrow social norms. We are fighting back. Our struggle will also help expose some of the harmful myths about what it means to be a woman or a man that have compart-mentalized and distorted your life, as well as mine. Trans liberation has meaning for you — no matter how you define or express your sex or your gender. If you are a trans person, you face horrendous social punishments - from institutionalization to gangremoved, from beatings to denial of child visitation. This oppression is faced, in varying degrees, by all who march under the banner of trans liberation. This brutalization and degradation strips us of what we could achieve with our individual lifetimes. And if you do not identify as transgender or transsexual or in-tersexual, your life is diminished by our oppression as well. Your own choices as a man or a woman are sharply curtailed. Your individual journey to express yourself is shunted into one of two deeply carved ruts, and the social baggage you are handed is already packed. So the defense of each individual's right to control their own body, and to explore the path of self-expression, enhances your own freedom to discover more about yourself and your potentialities. This movement will give you more room to breathe — to be your-self. To discover on a deeper level what it means to be your self. :::

I thought this passage in particular was fantastic, but the rest has been great too. I do still have one final chapter to read, which I’m going to do right after posting this. :)

I’d love to hear your opinions if you’ve read it already. If you haven’t read it, you should. Could it maybe be a good candidate for a book club type thing?

Cleaned one of my drawers today and found my glow in the dark nail polish, thinking of experimenting with it just need to think of a good color that would work well with it. I'm leaning towards a light green I got to make them look radioactive but blue would be cool too maybe demon core core

::: spoiler CW: Dysphoria My dysphoria has been building up this week. I still have cold symptoms, and can't wear proper make-up due to wiping my nose/mask that smears it. Almost cried a few times this week, either looking at my outfit or at my body or my face. Wearing eye makeup helps, but I still feel too nervous to wear mascara to work. Once my nails grow a bit more I think I need to start painting them. They were at a decent length last weekend, but I chickened out and cut them instead. :::

Also still worried about the passport, but my therapist wrote a very nice support letter that I hope clears things up for the passport agency.

is it typical to be so fucking sleepy like 1.5 hours into the first estriadol dose (via patch)

i feel like i'm entering the opposite of heterofatalism by basically giving up on the idea of dating women because my luck trying to have any woman be into me has been so astronomically bad that i've taken as a sign to just date men instead

My metabolic panel results are back and everything is within “normal” range (except CO2 which was low? IDK what that’s supposed to mean). AST and chloride are also kinda high but still within normal range

Honestly the most shocking thing is that my glucose level is 84 even though my diet is painfully amerikkkan and I come from a family (extended, not just immediate) of diabetics

I'm finally not coughing sideways and I'm generally feeling a lot better, so I have that going for me.

Need to figure out what to do with my sideburns this year, I grow them out to mutton chop grade and eventually insta-remove them soon as someone mentions . Apparently no matter how hard I try it will not be in fashion, also I can't believe how popular that game is.

my little pony is now a ceefax exclusive

::: spoiler emo teenage nostalgia music bullshit Goddamn I still love BTB&M

Listening to the Alaska remaster rn and damn, this album really influenced a lot of my death/prog metal(core) influences

:::

I never used tiktok before but some of these gals on 小红书 have really cool winter outfits and now I wanna up my fashion game.

Watched Hakumei and Mikochi, cute ass twee yuri anime very worth the watch. Just finished watching frieren yesterday and hoping on to this with the same composer was a treat to my ears kept squealing with how damn cute everything was

I noticed about a week ago that being soft spoken is a trait I find really attractive, and now I'm considering changing myself to be more soft spoken.

I can't log into my teams account and the only error message I'm getting is "something went wrong"

CERO MIEDO

::: spoiler immature going to the theatre to see smegmalion by george bernard shart :::

It's shadow the hedgehog baby

The new Worst of All Possible Worlds is really good

Actually lol'd several times

back at work and im falling asleep standing up

this is going to be a great day i can tell

1 hr down of a 9 hour sonic underground retrospective vid I'm watching and I'm learning that this is definitely a show. I really don't know if I'm gonna watch it after this vid like I've seen sonic x growing up and tuned into sonic boom but this is a different beast.

Having watched the first 5 minutes of Love Is Blind: Germany my impression is that everyone in Germany is into astrology for some reason.

trying to update my trans femme wardrobe by buying new clothes but i can't find them because there's only soup :(

One hour on xiaohongshu and I’m already submerged under a deluge of murder drones posts lol

Finished apothecary diary, honestly recommend it enough that I'm gonna check out the mawhwa or however you spell it.

Damn some of these Xenogenders go hard

Been watching apothecary diaries and this is so my jam, Mao Mao is such a mood she's so

Every month or so on Sonic Twitter someone will make a post going “woah, you gotta check out THIS voice clip of Roger! See he can cook it’s just bad direction!”
…and it’s always literally ass.

new york and london should go a step farther and just ban cars from central london and manhattan

frankly just ban cars from mayfair, kensington, and chelsea because that would piss off the rich the most

yknow changing my outfit every time i lost in mahjong soul was getting me a great winning record but it is just super not working this morning ._.

How many here know of Butterfly Soup (the games)?

So, previously I put out feelers for a super-specific idea for a TTRPG campaign and didn't get particular traction. That's okay.

I want to put out more general feelers for a tracha tabletop roleplaying game thing. For opsec and accessibility purposes, I am still thinking scheduled synchronous text chat with matrix chat. For the game system, would rule out D&D 5e or other neo-trad game, but would otherwise be open. My current preferences for running games leans towards OSR/NSR games, but I still enjoy more narrative games as well (PbtA, FitD, etc...).

wuf