hi, does anyone wanna make the mega in the upcoming weeks? if so, reply to this post and i'll add you to the list!

the list as it stands:

oscardejarjayes* (1/13 - 1/19)
SwitchyandWitchy* (1/20 - 1/26)
SILLY BEAN@lemmygrad.ml* (1/27 - 2/2)
AshenWolf* (2/3 - 2/9)
GayTuckerCarlson* (2/10 - 2/16)

EstraDoll (3/2 - 3/8)

​ * after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters

Met an autistic trans girl who programs for a railway company

my cool nails

Quite frankly, I'm a woman because I said so.

1 year of HRT, let's fucking goooo!!!

Might write a bit about it later, but the short and sweet is that estrogen fucking rocks and idk how I ever lived without it

I tried speed dating and this is about how it went:

Them: Says some presumably interesting anecdote about themselves but I can't hear them

Me: "WHAT?"

repeat for two hours

you are metrosexual because you wear skinny jeans and wash daily

i am metrosexual because i appreciate the eroticism of trains

Aghhhhghghhghgghg just sent a text asking someone on a date. Hhhhhhgggggggg I'm not good at this

Death to the reactionary egg prime directive! Long live the revolutionary zone of proximal transgender development!

what's up ladies? today I'm single yet completely and utterly unprepared to mingle

Boobs are growing again. Also probably more important than size for me is that they're getting a lot rounder and less awkwardly shaped

Ugh I hope I never tire of people telling me they love my outfit

I got kidnapped by a bunch of trans girls today. Was not expecting that to be how my day ended but I'm not complaining

::: spoiler CW: Extreme depression, dysphoria My brain is screaming out in agony tonight. I was watching GDQ and a lot of donations started to come in about how trans folks families were so accepting and supportive. What a stark difference between them and myself where I lost literally everyone except for my mother. I even lost my fucking husband. It's so painful. I'm so happy others had it better than me, but gods it's killing me on the inside and I just want to cry. It hurts so much. Sometimes I wish I wasn't trans and this is one of those moments. I fucking hate everything right now. :::

I've said this all before but I'm feeling it real good again. I'm so freaking thankful for this website. I'm so so so glad I came on here and made that post with my feels and met you all. I'm almost certain I would still be calling myself a cis man i it wasn't for you all 😭, and because I don't, I'm happier than I've ever been. I'm still trying to figure out the details, but realizing I don't have to be a guy has been so unimaginably freeing, and I wanted to thank you all again for helping me realize it.

Inside of you are two wolves:

One of them wants to form a big cuddle pile with all your trans cuties and make animal noises

the other wants to wave a giant red banner in front of a burning skyline while calling the masses to the barricades

i thought i was really gonna miss having gargantuan pockets when i moved to more femme clothing, but honestly i love having a silly little handbag so much.

Havin' a real rough time today

Finally got an avatar though

My fuckin bottom surgery application was rejected because I faxed it the same day as my doctors did his half 🙄. And it took a few months for them to reject me, now I'll just have to do it again I guess

Had to remind an ex that we will remain exes for the foreseeable future, that sucks.

Wearing swords should come back in fashion. My outfit would look much more complete with a smallsword.

The only centrists I support are androgynous people

THEY'RE TURNING THEIR FRIGGIN' KEYBOARDS TRANS

::: spoiler internalized transphobia Every time I go outside and see a cis woman my age I become jealous and sad. I feel so inferior to them. They're born with the right body, while I have to spend a huge amount of time, effort and money in order to change mine. I have to be on HRT for the rest of my life, do voice training and go through several major surgeries, and even then there's no guarantee that cis people will perceive me as a woman.

And will I ever feel like a real woman? Even if I reach the point where I fully pass, that won't change the fact that I've spent several decades living as the wrong gender, and that I'll never have periods or the ability to give birth :::

Every time i try to join a discord i'm too afraid to actually say anything.

::: spoiler dysmorphia Oh God I reeeeealllly hate the way I look so much. I got a look at my side profile today and I just hate the way I look, I can't believe I appear to other people like this. I have way too much fat on my face, my neck is too wide so my face just looks like a blob. I'm also overweight and just fucking hate the way my body looks :::

::: spoiler s*x I went to a dance class with my partner last night and as it was getting near the end they whispered in my ear, "How about we continue this with just the two of us and more tongue?"

Then we went back to my place and we made love for two hours and I even got a little time. I'm feeling exhausted in the best way right now. :::

My parents and immediate family keep asking me "when are you bringing home a girlfriend?" every time I visit and I have no idea how to tell them that sooner or latter the "girlfriend" that will come home might just be me.

I'm missing out on formative years by not having an ex by now, all the ex jokes I could be making as a jaded 30 something year old 😔

God damn it I'm so late and forgot to do my new thread love post, what's wrong with me?

I have my HRT consultation on Thursday and I can't stop thinking about it

happy January 6th to all who celebrate

Just paid my semester's tuition and... I have more money than I thought I would, I've got an entire extra month's rent compared to what I expected and then some more to cover all my books. I'm starting to feel actually kind of okay being independent? A lot of the worry about if I'd be able to be okay is gone now, replaced, admittedly by other worries, but I feel okay about my situation, even if it's not super secure or the most comfortable, its become livable. Especially since the past few weeks finally gave me my first real break in over a year and I was able to rest a little.

transphobia is some bullshit. i thought people liked pretty girls but apparently want to stop me from become one? what gives?

I'm booking an appointment and the only gender neutral honorific is Dr. So fuck it, if you have to call me something, call me Doctor Moss. Doc Moss is acceptable.

Unironically wish I could put in Comrade instead of Mr or Miss or whatever

I've been touching obscene amounts of grass lately and have been neglecting what's most important in life - posting in the trans mega

Still feel self conscious enough to stop my self from using feminine mannerisms around other people, but now it comes with guilt over not asserting myself 🫠

Finally gonna go to my GP today and ask for a referal to a transgender clinic. I'm so excited/nervous I couldn't even sleep.

buying the cheapest men's shaving gel instead of the same thing in a pink box and double the price from the woman's aisle

so i was walking through the house earlier when i noticed that one board that my parents insist on keeping which tracks how tall me and my siblings were through time with the little marks and the date of when the mark was kept? out of curiosity I went and I checked my height as it stands now and... I've apparently lost about half an inch since I was 17. God I guess I wasn't going crazy, I do feel faintly just a bit shorter since starting HRT. It's totally possible it might just be normal aging things but I think it might be true, HRT does make you shrink a little

I decided to check up on r/MTF, which I haven't done in a long time. Unsurprisingly, that sub is still as embarrassingly lib as it ever was. More so than most other trans subs. They're still unable to connect the dots, and constantly making excuses for democrats, and acting like they're protectors of trans rights while they've actually shown that they do not care. Now I remember why I stopped visiting that place years ago. I have little patience for this lib shit.

::: spoiler sexism I have a difficult time calling myself and being called a woman but not for gender reasons I don't think. I like girl and lady. I think it's because growing up, the context I would hear the word "woman" being used the most is my dad referring to my mom, and tying her fulfilment of her "biblical duties" to her womanhood. I think it's hard for me to separate the word from that connotation, even though I know it's bullshit. Like every time someone calls me a woman I feel my dad calling me one and I hate it. :::

Really hoping I pass enough for my sister’s wedding

transition goals: to get to the point where i can have long hair again without someone immediately misgendering me

Got really drunk on saturday and finally came out to my irl friend group chat. Waking up not remembering doing that was "fun". This is also the second time I've gotten way too drunk and came out (first time was almost ten years ago when I came out to them at a party as bisexual)

Would not recommend it.

:::spoiler internalized transphobia relating to age In my coming out message I put in my chosen name and for the first two days afterwards, I thought that maybe I wasn't ready to do that.

On analyzing that feeling I'm realizing that it might just be attatched to my internalized shame about coming out at my age and feeling that this whole thing, this whole experience, is a kid/teen/young adult thing. Like thinking about it makes me feel like I'm going to be physically ill. I actually gag when I think about it, out of shame or embarrassment.

I think I need to talk to more older trans people. :::

put some effort into painting my nails instead of just throwing on a quick layer like i normally do. did base coat, 2 coats black, then shiny top coat, just took my time at it while i was installing new linux on my laptop, it was relaxing. starting to think it's kinda worth the effort, they look really nice and shiny and will take longer to chip off.

Had a dream I had an avatar to go out in my place to do stuff for me, felt nice since I didn't have to mask so much only downside was resisting the urge to bunnyhop everywhere to save time

"yes please i will download a torrent of this series that is 55gb. it's only twelve episodes at 1080p but that's a reasonable file size to expend"

words no one has ever said

I'm feeling particularly content today and wish I knew how to recreate this feeling more consistently. I feel cheerful in a way where I don't feel like I'm faking it

::: spoiler spoiler drug

THIS DRUNK KNOWS HOW TO REMEMBER TO USE SPOILER TAGS. WHAT IS YOUR EXCUSE

GIVE ME 10 PUSHUPS

:::

What does this have to do with January 6th?

one of the nice things about working at a small company is sometimes your boss and half the team will just randomly leave 5 minutes before a meeting, and then you don't have to do the meeting

Happy jan 6 everybody! I'm gonna be smoking weed and practicing martial arts on the porch to celebrate.

How do I tell my hairstylist that I want this haircut without showing them this image of a dog girl?

::: spoiler listen well this tale of dysphoric(?) woe

Giggling with my friend at work as some of the gals we're friendly with have some incredibly candid sex discussions in the next cubicle over since the office is basically empty

She goes over to tell them that we can definitely hear everything they're saying

I think I can hear one of them poke fun at the fact that I (boymoding, only out to my friend) can hear

Suddenly reminded of the distance that exists between me and them because of how they perceive me

Feel very far away, almost "shell-shocked" for the remaining half hour of the work day

According to my friend they were actually cool with me hearing and that I was explicitly invited to join in when the next such Empty Office Sex Salon occurs. But I still can't shake the feeling that I'm different, that me being there just pollutes everything and they'll always view me with some unshakable suspicion and wariness, like a wild animal that could snap and start mauling people.

I honestly don't get too much dysphoria, to the point that I don't even know if this counts?? but this is the feeling that gets me. Can't we just pretend I'm part of the group? I'm not that much different from you on the inside, I promise. :::

my new adult romantic fantasy, noun of noun and noun, comes out today

All this time putting nail polish on you'd think I be good at it, nah just slather on a base coat the polish the top. The polish on my skins falls off day after and it looks like I know what I'm doing

::: spoiler alcohol Fucked up rn but felt kinda weird about "ze/hir" lately despite them being rad asf pronouns imho

Think I'm still mostly a "they/them" but being a "she/her" trans femme on occasion mite b cool

You know, just to cement the "lol definitely not a guy" feeling home

Or fuck, could I possibly be a binary trans woman instead of a weird enby that I've been living as for like a decade now???

Fuck idk

Idk maybe refer to me with she/her for awhile and I'm seeing if that's actually right or not, sorry

Like I came out gender wise as a trans woman initially a long time ago, then felt more comfortable being nonbinary, and I guess now I've kinda done full circle?

I dunno

I'm queer

::: spoiler . and my junk is small

:::

Muddled philosophy brain go brrr.

I am God’s eepiest uppy

Down with cis

Finally have my fertility preservation consult later today. I hope the process is quick from this point on because putting HRT on hold for a month for this was not very cash money. Just let me in the hospital goon closet a couple times so I don't have to worry about this anymore

::: spoiler silly but positive, kinda gender euphoria

I still only play games on my old 360 lol but I updated my avatar awhile ago and it's stupid but it really made me happy

The old one was my awkward teenage egg self

Now I have tits and a MJOLNIR helmet that matches my Reach Spartan and it's sick imho :::

i have the irresistible urge to be gay AND to do crime... i wonder what that's about

::: spoiler spoiler :::

::: spoiler depression/dysphoria/dooming I've been crying all day. It hurts so much. I could barely talk earlier. So dysphoric about my voice. Just in general too.

I keep doing worse and worse. I've been "trying" (half assed and lazily) to get my shit together for years. Haven't been able to. I'm doing worse now. So how am I going to be able to now when I couldn't then.

I can't start hrt because I can't get better. I can't get better because I'm trapped in a disgusting man body with a disgusting man voice. There's nothing to do. I can't force myself to get better. To work on myself, to voice train, none of it. I can't. I never really could. Not quitting if I never tried.

I have failed life. So many things I will never get to see or experience. Because I'm a failure. All evidence points to me just being born wrong. Defective. Whatever ig. What makes a person turn out like this. I can't blame my parents. They tried. I wish I tried harder. Whatever. Hurts too much. What a shame. Not good enough to even try. I am such a disgusting waste of life. I wish I could give this to someone else. :::

I'm so glad I started growing my hair out when I did

does anyone have tips for a gnome infestation. i tried publicly crucifying one to send a message but they seem to have founded a religion instead

::: spoiler sad, misgendering, deadnaming, family shit

call one relative I'm out to on the phone to catch up and vent because she was concerned and knows I've been struggling lately

deadnamed and misgendered like 6 times and talked over repeatedly

I don't know why I bothered tbh

She's "the good one" and the rest of the family would probably be worse if I ever bother to come out to them

I think the best idea is to just work on myself and my transition and maybe someday show up to something like nothing happened and act like they're weird for not recognizing me and then act really confused when they try calling me my deadname

At least I have cats :::

::: spoiler i hate microsoft if you didn't know cw: dysphoria me: searching Microsoft Teams for a message.
Teams: includes "[deadname] (You) - message" in the results, despite my name being changed in the system and legally for 3 months.

yes, thank you microsoft for giving us pronoun flairs, that only me and like one enby in the company even use lol, but could you not deadname me? you are valued at 3.16 trillion USD and you can't amend (or can't be fucked amending) my name within a system you have almost complete control of. sometimes i see my deadname email flicker before being replaced with my new one and i can understand why they might have my old email but why are you storing my deadname???? is my legal name just a display name??

i'm soooo fucking glad microsoft successfully abused their market power to eradicate slack and make us use this steaming pile of bland corpo dogshit. i throw up a little everytime i hear that fucking teams ping, i reaaaally want to quit just because of our dependence on this repugnant company

i know this comes off a bit trivial, i'm privileged to have an office job. but it gives off the same vibe as my birth certificate having "previously known as [deadname]", both constant reminders that i'll never be just me but me who used to be someone else and that shit sucks :::

::: spoiler CW: Depression, dysphoria I have been so godsdamned depressed the last few days that is stemming from some extreme dysphoria that I've been feeling with. And yes, regardless of after having had top and bottom surgery, I am capable of becoming dysphoric. I don't feel genuine. I feel fake. Without having had those experiences I missed on growing up, I feel that I will always be on the outside looking in regardless of what I do. I always see these ciswomen whose experiences I could never emulate and it just kills me on the inside. Yay. I have a vagina, I have breasts, but I'll never have those experiences. It depresses the hell out of me and it is draining the will to live out of me. I hate it so much. Couple that with feeling of not being capable of fitting in with any trans communities for a multitude of reasons. Further couple that with the crushing depression that's on and off since my divorce and I just fucking hate life right now. yay :::

I tried playing marvel rivals with some friends and its kinda fun, but also reminded me why I stopped playing those types of games: so many people who can't take a loss without getting insanely mad The absurdity of it is kinda funny when it happens, but it creates such a negative environment where i don't want to spend that much time tbh

sorry boss i can't come in to work today. my wife is holding my arm hostage while she sleeps. yeah idk i'll be in next week maybe. i expect full pay for this

Does it make sense that I'm kind of hoping I've actually been infertile all along? Then I wouldn't have to be responsible about fertility preservation. It would just be a fact of life and nothing anyone can blame me for

My mom and I are watching the second squid game season, the trans character is cute and very relatable which I wasn't expecting (apparently the actor is a cis guy). Kinda weird how much of the trans experience is apparently universal.

We're watching it dubbed and I really appreciate that they cast a voice actress that didn't have the perfect femme voice training or cast a cis girl to voice her. She sounds more or less like I do on a "bad" voice day lol

secretly kind of hoping that Donald Trump will be too busy thining about invading Greenland and/or Canada that he'll be too busy to do anything terrible for trans people

::: spoiler lewd, junk þussy (thussy, they/them b/pussy)

that is all :::

Posting late on a sunday night in an old mega as a bit

::: spoiler mental health, social isolation sad shit, avpd probably I really gotta get my shit together mentally and get over my "what if it doesn't go well" woe is me bullshit and reach out to my old best friend who might be the (platonic?) love of my life or soulmate or something

I miss this person so fucking much and have for years now and at some point when shit got really bad for me when covid got serious here, I just completely shut down and isolated and retreated inward mentally and have just started tiptoeing back to being "myself" but I've thought of this friend pretty much constantly since then and I know reconnecting with them would be like, the single best thing I could do for myself but it's still so scary and daunting after all this time

I thought by now I'd finally be, like, me, fully, and could reconnect as a better version of the person they loved, but I feel more weird and fucked up and unhappy with myself now than I did when we were super close irl and part of what's been preventing me from reaching back out is that feeling of shame

I wish I could be better at the very least so they could feel better about me instead of being concerned or upset at what a mess I am

Idk sorry I'm really emotional tonight

:::

::: spoiler bad mental health, meltdown, alcohol Kinda snapped last night and had a little violent meltdown and feel bad about it and embarrassed by how fucking juvenile and pathetic it was

I don't even really remember what triggered it

I ate some dinner and got drunk but not like, sloppy drunk and it was all pretty normal and like the next thing I knew something in me kinda snapped and I was out in the garage beating the shit out of a spare door that's propped up against the shelves out there absolutely raging and yelling

Bruised my hand pretty bad but I don't think I broke anything thankfully but jfc

Gonna commit to no booze now, that's never really happened to me before, I've always been more of either a "aww I love you" drunk or a maudlin kinda ruminating drunk, never an angry one and that kinda scared the shit out of me

Like, how long was that building up for? How much more shit like that is just lurking in the back of my head festering? (I know I'm a big gymrat but for the record, no, I'm not on gear, so it's not roid rage)

Idk, fuck

This shit sucks ass

I'm way too old for feeling like a ridiculous angsty teenager :::

Someone just called me a nerd and I don't think I can mentally recover from that

every single person who's ever protested the building of new homes because it'll lower house prices should have their house confiscated and given to someone who doesn't suck

Richard and Mortimer was quite good for it's run, I especially like when one half of the titular characters turned themselves into a pickle. Had the series continued perhaps that scallywag Richard could have transformed some more possibly into a woman, they might have finally been happy. Alas with the cancellation by the Woke Council with the show's association with the Ronald McDonald corporation we shall never see this possibility.

Well my winter break is coming to an end and I must say I did not miss having to deal with Microsoft teams

so cold

Got some neat stuff thrifting

Kinda wish I could post pics because some of the clothes are really cute imo and I actually found stuff that (mostly) fit me

Found some nice gym stuff too, got a pair of fancy tech wear sweatpants that make my legs and look good

Got some cute plushies my cats have been enjoying too and a street hockey stick for playing cat hockey in the house and that's been fun

Bless whatever tall/large femme donated the shiny windbreaker and hoodie with the faux fur hood lining and sleeve cuffs, think it might be my favorite dysphoria hoodie now despite it being a little short on the torso and sleeves

Might hem it to a crop top or elbow length sleeves and wear it as a summer night kinda layer later but it's really cute imo in a "sporty goth (queer)" kinda way and I'm kinda in love with it

it makes me happy whenever i see capybara in hot springs. they deserve all the love and goodness in the world

My pronouns... they're gone. Alright who took them from me I want my pronouns (she/her) back!

I crave dog and catgirl literature so I think I might get back into reading unjust depths.

Winder if there is Unjust depths lesbian fanart....

in an act of unimaginable malice from the gods to make a human existence a cruel joke, they made the world's horniest trans woman with a curse to be perpetually single

lmfao rest in piss anita bryant

My checklist for mental health are make sure I'm clean shaven, paint my nails, and finally epilate. If I can do 2/3 I feel fine usually but feeling bleh so might push myself to do the last one. Just gonna procrastinate first and get some reading done or whatev

we lost our best friend today and… we arent sure if we made the right choice or not by leaving them

not sure how we are going to recover from this

why is olympic swimming pool a measurement people use. all i know is they're big. i've never swum in one

it's so strange that americans just did that to their cities. complete unforced error

Alone on a saturday again

beep

::: spoiler really funny imo but genital mention, kinda dysphoria related

Lmao YouTube thinks I'm in the sales demographic for "yoni eggs"

Like sorry bud, I don't think I'm in the market for magic woo woo pussy rocks for several reasons but uh thanks for thinking I'm a woman, algorithm? :::

Trying to get used to drinking water again after having energy drinks being my primary mode of hydration during the winter holidays. Water kinda sucks

What I am doing now is not working. I'm going to try and get on diy. I still don't think I can be independent before changes are noticeable but another year without E (or however much time) isn't going to change that. May as well try it and see if it helps. ::: spoiler spoiler ::: spoiler thoughts of suicide I've been feeling hopeless and like I'm going to have to kill myself anyway. It doesn't really matter if I start a timer on moving/coming out. Worst comes to worst I'll have to come out and they'll be disappointed in me or whatever. I can't get out of this by myself so maybe E will help. If not there really are not that many more options. At least I can die knowing what E feels like. If these mythical mental changes are real or hype. :::

::: spoiler massive volcel violation posting thought #1: "holy shit just 8 months HRT has made my ass look incredible"

thought #2: "holy shit just imagine how fucking stunning it will look after about 2 years HRT" :::

I LOVE THIS BOOK

I LOVE THIS BOOK

I LOVE THIS BOOK

I WANT LARGE SENTIENT SPIDER BUDDIES

IT'S SUCH A CUTE BOOK AND IT'S SO WHOLESOME

I try to dress well no matter what I do, (I have low self-confidence, but knowing I look the best I can do helps a ton) but the last couple of days have been so cold that shapeless bundle of cloth have been the only viable option. I hate winter

friday rice

Friday Rice

Witch hazel remains great for my skin and makes me feel like a witch

Me working at sega"Alright, so new plan we start a new sonic game but we don't remake green hill zone my last words before being thrown out a window

I am become waomboymoder, eater of garlic

Dreamt I was on the moon and I really needed to piss but didn't 😩

::: spoiler anxiety, dysphoria hate when i'm waiting for my meds to get delivered, gives me like a creeping undergrowth of anxiety constantly prodding at the back of my brain. i've been diy for long enough now i know they'll get here, i know i'm not gonna run out, but every time i take my meds i'm like compulsively counting pills and it's like there's a blaring countdown playing in my head - " 13 12 11 10 days until your soul gets ripped out again." really gotta get a pcp again, even just dealing with this once every few months is too much. :::

Massive headache today and I've still got a handful of chores to run

Gonna try taking another break from the bearsite as I have some queer shit IRL planned so I wanna see if I can start doing that to help my burnout. Also think its time for me to say goodbye to this account as its getting too old opsec wise. Sucks because I like this user name :(.

Maybe I'll look into if I can just delete all my posts or something and not make a new account but that still has opsec issues do idk

crappy day folx, I decided to switch from Windows to Fedora, and after installing it, I noticed my PC only recognizes 8 out of the 16GB of RAM that should be there? I confirmed this in the BIOS, and tried to go about fixing it by reseating the GPU and RAM (I have had a problem like this before that was fixed that way), and now I can't get it to boot at all (my theory is one of the RAM sticks was fucked and I ended up fucking up the other). Luckily I have a backup mini PC I bought last year that I intended to use as a home server but never got around to setting up. But while I was moving the old PC to storage, something sharp at the bottom of the case cut my middle finger! 😵 not so bad that I have to go to the hospital or anything, but it's deeper than most finger cuts I've had before. I was just getting back into guitar and now I'm gonna have to take a break from that for probably a week 😓.

On the bright side, the Fedora experience has already been a lot better so far, I always had minor problems with Windows on my old PC, mainly to do with intermittent wifi (only fixed by limiting it to wifi 3) and random crashes (which I think had to do with the GPU driver, but I'm not buying another GPU just to see if that fixes it), but Fedora Just Works. Also I was expecting to run into issues when moving the SSD from my old PC to the "new" one, but it's pretty much been a plug and play experience.

Read the children of time this year and really loved it. Anyone has similar recommendations for generation ship sci fi?

::: spoiler (CW: joking misogyny) TTRPG adventures: I've been grappled and have too little strength to break free on my own, so I shout out to the party wizard to cast Twitch, a spell that causes any target to drop whatever item they're holding

Me: "Can you target the bird man grappling me so I can break free?"

Wizard: "Sorry, Twitch only works to drop objects"

Me: (playing a character who is a trans woman) "fucking transphobic magic doesn't recognize me as a woman" :::

Things are finally going in the right direction

A thrift store near me is doing a sale where a ton of the stuff there is 80% off and the rest is 25% off so I might be taking home a giant haul

Got a metallic blue nail polish that by itself looks pretty great but I'm no longer content with just one polish so I added another glitter polish on top of it. Thing with glitter polish I feel is that it should really be labeled as more a top coat than anything, imagining just applying the glitter polish on my nails would be pretty underwhelming.

Was looking for a PCP now that I am off the student health plan and working as a post-doc, and I got lucky. The one PCP that's accepting clients at the closest (good) in-network clinic notes an interest/specialty in LGBTQ+ primary care. I don't know if I need to switch my GAC from Planned Parenthood, but it does make me hopeful that they won't be in the dark or bigoted about trans health care.

EDIT: Well, that PCP isn't available until June, and in fact it doesn't seem like any PCP is available in the clinic system to establish care until April, when I will probably be moving out of town. So fuck me I guess. Looks like I will be relying on urgent care for health issues then, or at least I have to find someplace that's farther away.

EDIT2: Well, nowhere else within 25 miles or so seems to have a physician available as a PCP until June or July, so I just scheduled an appointment that I will likely not be around for in hopes that someone else cancels. Even if you have insurance I guess healthcare is a lottery in this fucking country.

My knit crocheted panda is looking a lot more odd and scruffy than the stuff my sister makes, but that's okay, he's mine and I love him

My wife thinks she can ratio me. ME!
Pfft, we’ll show her

anyone who dislikes the ember island players episode is no friend of mine

::: spoiler brainrot humor, CSM spoilers (kinda)
Me and the people who hugbox me :::

Do you think people can tell I’m a bottom when I leave the house?

::: spoiler weight the tweet this person is quoting and all the replies going “I’m 5’7+ and a similar weight” is going to give me an ED I swear to God.
Like…okay, your BMI 17-18 and look like that? Guess I’ll go down to 90 pounds then. :::

I still love the smell of cigarettes, including on people, not so much when making out it gets a lil gross lol. But the smell is nice

My unusual word choice strikes again. I walked into the back kitchen of the queer community center and said "I don't think I've ever been this deep before" and now deep has become the word of the day 😭

I love the Children of trilogy, it's the closest that I've ever seen hard sf get to that Star Trek IDIC ethos.

New year (and more specifically I returned home from visiting fam) and... I guess I gotta live again, and by that I mean do productive things (not that visiting fam was bad- it was wonderful, helped my mom cook a lot and just connected with siblings idk) and get my life on track as well as to a point where I could actually have some sort of notion of self worth.

I guess tomorrow and onwards will be the turning point (or it won't, but it has to be). I guess today wasn't so bad either in terms of doing some things for myself. Ought to leverage my siblings (sis could also use help really) for assistance in keeping up motivation (or having any) I guess.

Today I had a weird dream, I basically almost never dream (or at least don't remember them) but in this dream let's just say I looked somewhat different in the mirror and wasn't dysphoric and was going even in the dream. Sucks to have to wake up from that tbh, optimistic ish but don't trust myself to see it through properly. I guess I also just have severe issues of self-doubt and self-sabotage historically, been thinking of that lately (well always)

I.. I dunno, compared to previous times I'm more defeated, not running on fumes and hot air as much as before and more.. wise(?) I guess, while trying to pick myself up. But I know myself and tbh the honest truth is I just kinda have a really messed up (limbic system, lack of self worth and motivation, learned helplessness etc). How am I supposed to trust that?

Blahaj (bootleg) acquired.

Sonic forces ::: spoiler spoiler Feminization? Like and subscribe to find out more :::

John Lennon if he was amerikkkan: imagine a burger

Base naruto leaf village music is stuck in my head on loop

just received a physical copy of our megathread feature so i can actually finish it. realizing my ADHD isn't too friendly with audiobooks so excited to finally finish it!

::: spoiler very mild injury mention

rediscovering the joy of model making (accidentally knifing myself when my hand slips while struggling to do a conversion i thought was gonna be fun and easy)

don't worry the glue on my fingers sealed the cut up immediately -_-; :::

there's something primal about tinkering with electronics that keeps me working in embedded software even though I've grown to dislike low level programming

I love how 95% of the time I tell someone I like math they hit me with the EWWWWWWWWWWWWW I've always hated math

amazingly enough, the phrase "beep or sleep" went viral recently. i'm astounded... it seems like everybody's beepin these days!

Are there any good video games with cross play between the switch and PC? I'm trying to find stuff for me and my brother to play

everybody's beepin!

POS10 posting POSTIN TRANSITION COMPLETE; I am now Alice D. Addertounge newest member of the Sun Ra Arkestra! Rocket number nine to the planet Venus!

my real estate deadnamed me in their inspection notice

🎵 Only you can set me free, 'cause I'm guilty (guilty) 🎵

🎵 Guilty as a girl can be 🎵

🎵 Come on baby, can't you see 🎵

🎵 I stand accused 🎵

🎵 Of love in the first degree 🎵

That reminds me i need to read the 3rd book in the children of time series

Aurora (one of our system members) wrote a thing: Sternenlied

getting off with a girl at the gay bar

::: spoiler introspection on libido/sexuality, sex stuff (not explicit), a bit sad. looking for advice.

---

over the last year and a half or so, my sex drive has been mostly very low. i don't really feel sexual attraction to other people like i used to. i have long-term depression and it's something i've always struggled with, but much more intense the last couple of years. i hardly feel like a sexual being. i'm on 200mg prog and i only get horny once or twice a month, i get myself off and enjoy it. i've been considering that i may fit into the ace spectrum, but this is an idea i've been struggling to accept. i want to feel sexual attraction. i want to feel like a sexual being. but it's felt totally muted for a while now. there are other aspects than physiological, i definitely have some catholic brainworms and shit about sex. but i can't help but feel like the main factor is HRT, as my sex drive and proclivity for sexual attraction has seemed to gradually dwindle over the past few years. i was really excited to get on prog because of the mythical horny but it didn't really happen. i'm also on CPA and already halved my prescribed dose to no avail. T levels are still on the floor so maybe i could try reducing that even further.

what i'd like to ask is, does anyone have any advice on combating this? i feel like maybe eating better and exercising might help, i'm NEET and really depressed and sedentary so that's probably a factor too. i guess if anyone has gone through something similar and managed to rediscover the horny i'd love to hear about it. like i used to fuck loads in my first year and a half or so of transition and i loved it. i wanna go back to that. but it feels almost like a different person now. idk. :::

chat

CHAT

between these two guitars which would you buy

https://www.epiphone.com/en-US/p/Electric-Guitar/EPI8U8980/Tobacco-Burst

https://www.gretschguitars.com/gear/collection/electromatic/g5220-electromatic-jet-bt-single-cut-with-v-stoptail/2517110506

I'm drawn to the LPJ for the (idea of its) simplicity, but on paper the Gretsch would be more versatile, also I like the look a bit more

fwiw I have a squier stat with 3 single coils in the typical strat config, but I like using the bridge only most often, which is why I feel like even tough the gretsch would be more versatile, the LPJ would still suit me fine

vince staples if he was woke: girl yeah right yeah right yeah right

I think I may have just cooked up some new type of sex toy/BDSM wear but I have no idea if it already exists but it feels so obvious that I'm pretty sure it does but I've never heard of it...

I'll post MS paint doodles of it later after work

EDIT: made a post in the new general megathread

So it turns out my sperm is totally poggers. I think I'm just gonna have to do the whole thing including the extra legwork to get FDA clearance in case it needs to be used with a surrogate. It'll cost like 1k up front and then "no more than 400/yr" for storage

I just hate hate hate hate taking options away from myself, there is no worse feeling for me than realizing I can't do or have something because of a stupid decision I made in the past

::: spoiler dysphoria Went to go out in the parking lot at the gym for a vape break, ran into a New Year's newbie young(er) woman trying to get in to ask about joining. (There's no staff on weekends)

She asked about the staff hours. Without thinking about it because I was checking for all my pockets before I left, I ask her if she can wait and I'll give her a pic of the staff schedule hours and then I can text it to her. Didn't even think about how "oh you're not supposed to go inside as a not-member." I'll give you a pic of the staff hours and then it's all good.

She read me as a guy. (shut up, she definitely did.)

Without thinking of that and how I offered to take the pic for her, realized she probably thought I'm trying to get her number and hit on her

Feel really sad and gross once I realized that

Like jfc honey, I'm so sorry, I (kinda) like women too but you had no clue and I swear I wasn't a creep

Also if I had referred you for a membership that'd be like forty bucks for me lmao :::

Been looking at my itchio bundles and found some coding game, it's a small sample of a larger game but think I'm getting the basics of coding down maybe

Anyone know if you have to take spiro with food? Or is it ok on an empty stomach too (⁠?⁠・⁠・⁠)

How are you all using these emojis? Do you have just have like a folder of them you share or something? I don't see an emoji icon in my app.

i am excited for space engineers 2

being poly is probably not worth it, stay tuned though

I think things will be going smoothly for a while

Hexbear, Cool signet ring ideas?

Love is Blind Germany: "Ha ha, we are German, we have fallen in love in silence und I did not see my fiancee before proposing"

pita bed

I probably need sleep meds to sleep properly, maybe. And I guess hypothetically also being told to sleep like as if I'm not a grown ass 28 y.o. woman uh... well no one ever accused me of being functional.

Waking up in the middle of the night and it's hard to sleep because (hungy), but then the resulting headache will naturally make me want to stay in bed rather than make food later (happened yesterday also didn't make food since would have to wash dishes and idk)... Why is life like this? I'll uh eat properly today and do life stuff though yeah, today's the day

::: spoiler cw bodily fluids, advice wanted ok, so, i'm losing my mind here. for like as long as i can remember, every time i go to brush my teeth, i gag on the damn toothpaste or brush. but lately, its getting really bad. this morning, i literally puked up a bunch of water (and maybe my meds that i just took??) i had just drank and just now at night i nearly lost my supper. i've been having trouble eating as-is for various reasons so i think its understandable that i'm frustrated at trying to keep food down and maintain dental hygiene.

wtf, chat? like, what do i even do about this? has anyone run into this before? i'm not like jamming anything on my tongue back there, so i don't know why - i've given up trying to brush my tongue at this point due to this. :::

Saturday nights all right for fighting

this food safety course i'm doing is so fucking tedious

beep or sleep is the new boom or doom

the old mega is dying. the new mega struggles to be pinned.

now is the time of posters.