1.6yr

GayTuckerCarlson in traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns

Dr. Alan Hart - Trans Megathread for the Week of December 9th, 2024 to December 15th, 2024

"Each of us must take into account the raw material which heredity dealt us at birth and the opportunities we have had along the way, and then work out for ourselves a sensible evaluation of our personalities and accomplishments."

Alan L. Hart (1890 – 1962) was a US American 20th-century physician, radiologist, disease researcher, and novelist who pioneered the use of x-ray in detection for tuberculosis. He spent the latter part of his career in public health, undoubtedly saving many thousands of lives across the country expanding tb services and education throughout rural areas. In 1917 Hart was one of the first people to undergo a gender affirming hysterectomy in the United States, and is the first documented case of a female to male transition in medical literature in the English speaking world.

“I had to do it. For years I had been unhappy. With all the inclinations and desires of the boy I had to restrain myself to the more conventional ways of the other sex. I have been happier since I made this change than I ever have in my life, and I will continue this way as long as I live’

interview with Hart about his hysterectomy

Hart begin expressing himself as a boy starting at least age 4, and was largely accepted by his family as male, with his grandfathers obituary in 1921 listing Hart as his grandson. A family friend of his stated in a 1921 interview “Young Hart was different, even then. Boys' clothes just felt natural. Hart always regarded himself as a boy and begged his family to cut his hair and let him wear trousers. Hart disliked dolls but enjoyed playing doctor. He hated traditional girl tasks, preferring farm work with the menfolk instead. The self reliance that became a lifelong trait was evident early: once when he accidentally chopped off his fingertip with an axe, Hart dressed it himself, saying nothing about it to the family.” During childhood school, Hart wrote most of his assignments under his first chosen name of Robert Allen Bamford Jr.

Hart received a total of 4 degrees in his life. He received a pre med degree in 1912 from Portland, Oregon’s Lewis & Clark College, then known as Albany College, followed by a medicine degree doctorate from the University of Oregon Medical Department in Portland (now Oregon Health & Science University) in 1917. His doctorate was originally issued under "Hart, [deadname] aka Robert L., M.D.”. which prompted a legal name change in 1918. He took his first medical job at a Red Cross hospital at this point. In 1928, Hart received a master’s degree in radiology from the University of Pennsylvania and was named director of radiology at Tacoma General Hospital. After working for several years as a tuberculosis consultant in Washington and Idaho, Alan Hart moved with his wife to Hartford, Connecticut, where he received a master’s degree in public health from Yale University in 1948. Around this time, Hart began taking testosterone and is described as having a deeper voice and being able to grow facial hair as a result.

TUBERCULOSIS

Hart devoted much of his career to research and treatment of tuberculosis. By the dawn of the 19th century, tuberculosis—or consumption—had killed one in seven of all people that had ever lived. Throughout much of the 1800s, consumptive patients sought "the cure" in sanatoriums, where it was believed that rest and a healthful climate could change the course of the disease. In 1882, Robert Koch's discovery of the tubercule baccilum revealed that TB was not genetic, but rather highly contagious; it was also somewhat preventable through good hygiene. After some hesitation, the medical community embraced Koch's findings, and the U.S. launched massive public health campaigns to educate the public on tuberculosis prevention and treatment. TB usually attacked victims' lungs first; Hart was among the first physicians to document how it then spread, via the circulatory system, causing lesions on the kidneys, spine, and brain, eventually resulting in death. With no cure for the disease in its advanced stages the only hope for sufferers was early detection.

X-rays, or Roentgen rays as they were more commonly known until World War Two, had been discovered only in 1895, when Hart was five years old. In the early twentieth century they were used to detect bone fractures and tumors, but Hart became interested in their potential for detecting tuberculosis. Since the disease often presented no symptoms in its early stages, X-ray screening was invaluable for early detection. Even rudimentary early X-ray machines could detect the disease before it became critical. This allowed early treatment, often saving the patient's life. It also meant sufferers could be identified and isolated from the population, greatly lessening the spread of the disease. By the time antibiotics were introduced in the 1940s, doctors using the techniques Hart developed had managed to cut the tuberculosis death toll down to one fiftieth of what it had previously been.

In 1937, Hart was hired by the Idaho Tuberculosis Association and later became the state's Tuberculosis Control Officer. He established Idaho's first fixed-location and mobile TB screening clinics and spearheaded the state's war against tuberculosis. Between 1933 and 1945 Hart traveled extensively through rural Idaho, covering thousands of miles while lecturing, conducting mass TB screenings, training new staff, and treating the effects of the epidemic. An experienced and accessible writer, Hart wrote widely for medical journals and popular publications, describing TB for technical and general audiences and giving advice on its prevention, detection, and cure. At the time the word "tuberculosis" carried a social stigma akin to venereal disease, so Hart insisted his clinics be referred to as "chest clinics", himself as a "chest doctor", and his patients as "chest patients". Discretion and compassion were important tools in treating the stigmatised disease.

In 1943, Hart, now recognized as pre-eminent in the field of tubercular roentgenology, compiled his extensive evidence on TB and other X-ray-detectable cases into a definitive compendium, These Mysterious Rays: A Nontechnical Discussion of the Uses of X-rays and Radium, Chiefly in Medicine, still a standard text today. The book was translated into Spanish and several other languages

PBS - TB in America: 1895-1954

Join our public Matrix server! https://matrix.to/#/#tracha:chapo.chat

As a reminder, be sure to properly give content warnings and put sensitive subjects behind proper spoiler tags. It's for the mental health of not just your comrades, but yourself as well. Here is a screenshot of where to find the spoiler button.

marxisthayaca [he/him,they/them] - 1.6yr

Learned that my brother has turned into an incel - he has "The Menu: Life without the opposite sex" in his secret santa list. And I'm horrified.

::: spoiler spoiler For all of human history men and women came together to form families. It may have been common, it may have been routine, but that is what they did. Generation after generation, for all of human history, men and women formed families.

That is until now.

Because with advances in technology, incredible economic growth, a generous welfare state, and the political movement of feminism, men and women no longer need each other in order to survive. And as much as we'd like to deny it, when given the choice, men and women are empirically and increasingly choosing to be alone. By 2030 45% of marriage-age women are forecasted to be single, rendering a same percent of men equally so. 70% of both men and women are overweight, indicating little serious interest in attracting a mate. Marriage ranks 5th place on women's priority list. And 1 in 3 marrying-age men live with their parents. And all that with crippling college debt that makes having a family a luxury most will never afford.

But the solution is not to reverse or somehow undo the forces that got us here. Those political, economic, and sociological forces are simply unstoppable. Marriage is not coming back, certainly not in your lifetime. The solution is to give up hope. The solution is to stoically accept this fate. Because whether you'd like to admit it or not, only 1 in every 2 of you are going to get married (and only 1 in 8 of you who do will be happy!). And thus the real risk you face is not “never getting married” or “never having a family,” but wasting your one and preciously-short life pursuing something that is statistically unlikely to happen.

Unfortunately, this dark reality leaves half the population in an existential lurch. Without family, marriage, love, or a loving spouse, what do people have to live for in life? You are here after all, and you have to do something with your 80 years of consciousness on this planet. So unless you're going to kill yourself, your existence forces you to find a purpose and reason to live. You cannot merely “exist.” And so, most people today and into the future are faced with the arduous task of finding purpose and meaning in life, absent the opposite sex.

Thus, “The Menu.”

Though humanity has never been to the point where women and men abandoned one another before, that doesn't mean there is not a limitless number of things life offers that gives it value. Whether it's hobbies, vice, philosophy, religion, your career, or your friends, the world offers a limitless menu for you to choose from. A never-ending buffet of things you can do, pursue, enjoy, and become during your 80 year visit here. And while it may not be what 2 million years of genetics are screaming at you to want, it's superior to falling in love and having a family, simply because it's possible. It's at least on “The Menu.” And so you face a very simple question. Do you want to spend yet another night at home, playing video games, jerking off to porn, and downing some Mountain Dew? Do you want to drink another bottle...or two...of wine while you watch yet another Hallmark movie? Or do you want to put on your big girl panties, cowboy up, acknowledge there is no one out there for you, and make this life count as much as you possibly can?

You're going to die. There's no doubt about that. The question is if you're going to live. Order something from “The Menu.” :::

6 Month Tranniversary!

i'm iffy on doing 6 month celebrations but so much has changed in the period since my egg cracked. i'm definitely starting to settle into myself, i would say this is the most confident i've been in my life. i have so much to look forward to and am so grateful for what's already happened

i looked in the mirror the other day and while there's still a laundry list of things i want to change, my lesbian ass was like "god damn i'm gonna be so fucking hot" sappho

also i'll be celebrating today by adding a new pronoun. i've been jealous of everyone else's and thought i might try it out cause why not?

to Hexbear and more specifically all of you in this megathread, i can't thank you enough for what you mean to me. oh and apologies for the preening (not really) vivian-shrug

kristina [she/her] - 1.6yr

hey if anyone here knows anyone nearish to jacksonville florida that has an open room or couch for helping a homeless trans person please DM me on matrix

https://rentry.co/tracha

tracha (our matrix chat with irc/discord vibes) should be open and accepting join requests again, please be sure to let people know that had it bugged out on them cat-trans

Ivysaur - 1.6yr

I am not a frequent trans mega poster but I am still the genders and I’ve seen some of y’all around. Just popping in to say that I am distancing myself online for some time and if anyone here has seen me around/we have interacted before and wants to keep in touch with frog monster lady who will never shut up about covid you can find my matrix details in my profile here. xoxo

Tomboymoder [she/her, pup/pup's] - 1.6yr

Wife literally yesterday: “I should look into getting a phone case for my phone”

Me today at the Christmas Market: “Hey there are phone cases in this stall, wanna have a look?”

Her: “no”

She did this twice!

Eco [she/her, he/him] - 1.6yr

that's so weird wtf

TerminalEncounter [she/her] - 1.6yr

She's dropping hints for Christmas

doggirl-sweat

rtstragedy - 1.6yr

oh god i didn't even think of this i am so glad that people basically tell me what to buy them and when

queermunist she/her - 1.6yr

Stocking stuffer?

This latest twitter discourse is really making me feel a type of way.

::: spoiler TW: mentions of SA Seeing a women describe how she had to dissociate during a gang bang and how several men crossed her boundaries and didn’t stop is heart breaking enough.

But seeing a bunch of chuds demeaning and degrading her for even expressing those feelings or people who say she was assaulted because “she agreed to it/signed a contract.” or a bunch of leftists dismiss these things/brush them under the rug which would constitute sexual assault in any other case because they are more interested in defending the validity of sex work from conservatives has kind of broken me.

I hate this exploitation of women with all my heart. :::

CDommunist [she/her, love/loves] - 1.6yr

::: spoiler vent Struggling very hard to piece my life together after years of seriously neglecting myself and everything around me. I feel my eyes opening up after years of repression and its not a good situation I find myself in

Everything is fucked. Everything is gone. Very few possessions in my name. Im at rock bottom. its a nice feeling tbh, everything is wiped away and now I can build something totally new

But its hard.

im she/her and am on E finally :::

GayTuckerCarlson [she/her] - 1.6yr

Thanks to everybody who upvoted and read the mega. I did a lot of work tracking down primary sources and went through a variety of secondary sources to piece together a decent retelling of the life and work of Dr Hart

ashinadash [she/her] - 1.6yr

Is it weird that I'm way more offended when someone assumes I'm a straight woman than when they misgender me?

::: spoiler cw discussion queerphobia and the crimes of heteronormativity Getting misgendered sucks really badly, but it's someone making an assumption based on any number of variables and it's sort of whatever. Depressing, painful, not offensive though I guess. A kinda omori-neutral vibe if you will.

When the woman at the fucking Salvation Army's Prevention & Diversion division of their local citadel (which is actually what they call it, burn the fucking church I swear) assumes my partner is a man? badeline-scream Wow I was right to be cagey about bringing up my significant other in this meeting where I'm trying to get rent money, but also you fucking sludge. You absolute acidic waste of fucking space, to presume me a boykisser. I swear to fuck I was absolutely right about the sally anne being a bunch of pious distrustworthy biblefuckers, holy shit.

I don't really know why this makes me so furious, maybe it's because it feels like erasure or something. Maybe it's easier not to assume the worst when people get pronouns wrong? I've been really piss-boiling angry at people who've misgendered me in past and actually had a lot of people be sincerely apologetic.

I dunno, I guess heteronormativity is just a scourge, is what it comes down to. I had to stop myself from saying "My partner and I are unemployed lesbianly and have been for months" when she asked "and your partner, is he working?" Bleugh it makes me sick just typing it, I swear to fuckin fuck catgirl-disgust How fuckin dare you, I do not and would not consort with men........... u fuckin filth........

Maybe eight or ten years ago I would have been all happy that someone assumed my (hetero)sexuality based on gendering me correctly, but now I'm just mad. I have had to hold my tongue so fuckin much while making calls about rent bullshit, seriously if I weren't radicalised already, I would be. I'd be finding out about the Maoist uprising against the landlords. Death to america. :::

wife just woke up, ate the doughnut i brought home, and went back to sleep

Surviving is winning. Whatever it takes: survive

EstraDoll [she/her, he/him] - 1.6yr

Finally filling out the name change paperwork. How exciting scared

nemmybun [she/her, sae/saer] - 1.6yr

::: spoiler self harm, suicide Yesterday I noticed something about my electrolysis tech. She was working on my chin with my head turned towards her. In the strong light from the work lamp, I saw her scars. Hesitation marks running down her wrists and a larger scar down her vein. The sight melted into my subconscious as I was distracted by our chatting and the irritation of the needle.

That evening, my mind wandered back to that memory and I broke down. I cried for the pain she endured to get to this point, for all those who struggled like her and who carry those same scars. For those who took that path and didn't make it through; those I once knew and those I'll never have a chance to. For those crushed under the weight this fucking inhuman patriarchal capitalist system that grinds us down for daring to seek our humanity outside the rigid gender boundaries we were thrust into before we can even fully conceive ourselves.

The emotions are overwhelming. There's melancholy but also fury. I want to make things better but I don't know how. I feel small and utterly powerless within this endless storm of suffering.

It's a small gesture but maybe next week I'll ask her if she wants to hang out some time outside of our appointments. I thought about doing it before because we gel pretty well but didn't because I was worried about the tech/client relationship making that inappropriate or awkward to bring up. But I dunno. I'm probably just overthinking things as usual. She's been more and more friendly every time I see her so I don't think she'd be put off by my asking. Even if she declines, I'm hoping she feels valued. We all deserve that much. :::

LocalOaf [they/them, she/her] - 1.6yr

New hoodie came in the mail!! meow-bounce

It's really warm and soft and looks sick and will piss off chuds and libs

sicko-fem sputnik heart-sickle

Red_Renewal_Cosmonaut [she/her, comrade/them] - 1.6yr

very gender 'guy' next to me playing celeste all class period

based

Yukiko - 1.6yr

I measured my bust for fun today. Had some help from a friend that came over. My measurements are as follows

::: spoiler Titty measurements Underbust - 39"

Overbust - 50motherfuckinginches

That translates to a 40J. Of course, once the swelling goes down and everything slides into place, it'll probably be more of a 40H/38I, but still holy fuck. :::

Josephine_Spiro [she/her, pup/pup's] - 1.6yr

This girl on Love is Blind is Israeli and her dad was like “we definitely identify more as Israeli than Jewish”.

I feel like so many of these reality shows I’ve watched have Israelis…idk if I’m being conspiratorial noticing this…or if it’s like some weird thing like the military and superhero movies.

Taught a college class for the first time ever and it went well. AAAAAHHHHHHHH.

How the fuck am I getting sir’d at 5’3 and with 1500 pg/mL estrogen levels?! doggirl-growl

British people are way too smug for being from the island where the “vaccines cause autism” hysteria started

Feline - 1.6yr

::: spoiler transphobia I still browse the comments on reddit-logo and holy shit they're just getting more and more transphobic. People celebrating the puberty blocker ban in the UK, and just calling for the elimination of trans people. We're entering a dark fucking time :::

Why can I not post good? Where is my posting!

(I know where my posting is. It's at an end omori-neutral )

It feels bad though, I don't even have the energy to think about Gender much or like, read Psycho Nymph Exile. I somehow have less spoons now than when I was employed. This fucking sucks & I am going to die probably. Sorry for posting badly...

frankfurt_schoolgirl [she/her] - 1.6yr

So I tried dating t4t poly dating for the first time, and it's been like kind of a mess.

Basically when I told my friend about the person I was dating, he warned me saying that his ex had had a bad experience with her. I asked her about this, and she told me a different version of the sorry, and that the friend's ex had been spreading rumors about my date for years to cover up her own abuse.

So both the person I was dating and the accuser are poly. I was contacted by other partners of both of these people to support their partner and tell me bad things abpit the other person. There is apparently a lot of history here. I have no way of knowing who did the wrong thing here or what really happened. But I do know what I feel like I am involved in some sort of feud between two polycules, lasting several years at least, which is ridiculous and I hate it.

Even without the feud, I found it very off-putting that as soon as there was a problem between the person I was dating and myself her other partners immediately stepped in. One of them wanted to set up a meeting so that we could discuss the things I had been told and they could "take action". I had never met this other person before. She is cis, which is fine I guess but I am exclusively t4t and I really hate the idea of involving a random cis person in my relationship. Honestly it felt like I was getting emails from HR or something.

I'm not against being poly, or having an open relationship, or dating someone who is. But like it seems really weird and unfair that this person's other partners will immediately get involved when I haven't even met them before, and I don't have any other partners of my own at the moment.

I'm definitely done with this whole mess, and I hope to avoid these people in the future. But I imagine there are people here who have had good experiences with this type of thing. So like how is it supposed to work? Should I have met the other partners sooner? Should I not date someone when I'm not really interested in a relationship with their other parents? Idk

Resisting the urge to bite every pretty woman I see

bolshevikLovelace [she/her, love/loves] - 1.6yr

lets-fucking-go bridget-vibe

Surviving is winning trans-heart

RION [she/her] - 1.6yr

I didn't think I minded pausing my HRT to prep for sperm banking but now it's getting to me. There's this girl at work I've been talking to but I know all she sees is a stupid idiot man and I'm not even on the path to shedding that because this is taking so long

GenderIsOpSec [she/her, kit/kit's] - 1.6yr

catgirl-flop slowly starting to come to the realization that I'm kinda like a cat. I can take care of myself but someone really should be taking care of me. I would give them presents and purr in their laps all day. meow-melt

Ihit the rate limit after 2 images this time so this is all I can post

🎀 Seryph (She/Her) - 1.6yr

Finally able to access the megathread again... And I don't have anything big I feel like posting 😔

Uhhh I'm thinking of starting dating again but it's scaryyy

gaystyleJoker [she/her] - 1.6yr

just find some nice girl and talk to her about your gunplas...

You know that's not what I meant... But you're right, I should, it worked the last two times

thats kind of an awesome track record, I think we're on to something here...

catching transbians with my fishing pole by using gunpla as bait like some lgbtq loony toons bit

googling if ray blanchard is still alive to see whether i can shit on his grave

EDIT: fucker is still alive at 79 die-motherfucker

Edie [it/its, she/her] - 1.6yr

meow-bug Edie has encountered an error while restarting.

These services have been identified as potential causes:

gender

Would you like to disable these services and try again? [y/N]

Every day I hope the HRT is actually working doggirl-sweat
But every day I am too afraid to look doggirl-gloom

yewler [she/her] - 1.6yr

Whenever my room mate brings his guy friends over it always instantly ruins my mood and I can't place my finger on why. I don't dislike them. There's just something in the way they interact with each other that makes me feel intruded on, even when I've tucked myself in my room in an effort to not have to interact with them at all.

LeylaLove [she/her, love/loves] - 1.6yr

Well I've been on estrogen for a week, and my bisexuality has been going absolutely insane. I want cuddles still, but I've actually never been this interested in sex before. It honestly feels kinda nice. Don't know if it's just a placebo or not, but I've just felt like a much emotionally warmer person over the week and I've been really happy about that

I still remember the first time me and my ex had sex after I came out. Nothing changed but everything changed, all of a sudden it was way more queer (also better lol)

JohnBrownsBussy2 [she/her, they/them] - 1.6yr

Biggest trick that I've found to hiding my beard shadow so far is switch from a blending sponge to a normal brush for applying foundation. The blending sponge was taking off too much product

SCORED DOPE SHIT AT THE THRIFT STORE

would post pics but don't wanna dox myself but YOOOO I got a gorgeous raincoat for like fifteen bucks that probably retailed for like 200 and actually fits?‽?!‽

Nothing ever fits me well??

thank you based god

catgirl-cry trans-heart

A long time ago, I lived in a basement suite that had a nice tiered garden. One day I saw a butterfly that kind of had some kind of camo like bird poop? It seemed to be struggling and couldn't fly back out of the basement patio. I brought it in and feed it a sugar slurry I had from when I brewed beer. It rested, stuck it's little proboscis out, drank deeply and then I went back outside and waited for it to fly. And it did.

Next year there were 5 of these bird poop butterflies all pretending to be mortally wounded lol

sweet_pecan [love/loves, they/them] - 1.6yr

i am looking so hot and sex and gender lately. i kinda want to get cornrows but i also want a job and i have no clue what white employers find "unprofessional" at this point.

x87_floatingpoint [he/him, it/its] - 1.6yr

Mask: on
Backpack: on
Jacket with hood: on
Sitting on bus
Yeah, I'm assassin-maxxing deny-defend-depose

It's oddly gender-affirming, it hides everything I hate the most about my body, instant confidence boost

I keep unlocking egg memories

Goodnight hexbear (I am going to stay awake for another 3 hours)

Tommasi [she/her, pup/pup's] - 1.6yr

Going on a coffee date in a couple of hours catgirl-heart Very excited and a bit nervous

anonochronomus [comrade/them, she/her] - 1.6yr

Welp. That 5 year plan worked out way quicker than I thought it would.

One of my dreams in life is to take a bath (in a bathtub, not a pool). Almost everyone only has showers where I live, but bathtubs seem so cozy...

Hexbear tracha, have you ever been in love?

Don't be twee or dismissive, I mean do it if you want I just think sometimes thats used as a shield for very deep hurt that would be better explored by sincerity rather than reflexive irony. Specifically, I mean romantic love or at least a very deep love for those of us in the aro space

Ambii [she/her] - 1.6yr

Think this prog is really starting to kick in.

:::spoiler horned thoughts Having more than average horny thoughts recently and oh also i have a feral need to have someone put their mouth on my bitties and galls.

(The concept of) Men are starting to seem more hot and I'm suddenly experiencing the bi-cycle in reverse of what I'd feel pre-hrt where I question if I'm actually still attracted to women. Why do most cishet men have to be so gross though AHHHHHH.

:::

Besides that, the other things I've noticed could also be attributed to regular ol estradiol. My hips are looking way wider, my ass continues to get rounder, I have the thighs of a fertility goddess, my boobs are rounding out, and my waist looks like I actually have a waist.

Wmill [they/them, fae/faer] - 1.6yr

Whenever I don't get attention I just assume the mods have shadowbanned me for some nefarious plot I'm unaware of, mods really read 1984 and thought it was a playbook very-smart

Headpets >>>>>>>>>>>>>

headpat
ohnoes

Correct

IMF_DOOM [she/her] - 1.6yr

Current fedi hell discourse is that trans women saying "kill all men" is transphobic bcs some men are trans men and so now there's a crusade by libshit tenderqueers against anyone they've labelled as a "TIRF" and people claiming that being mean to men on the internet is just as bad as patriarchal violence against women was in the early 20th century

Fedi sucks so bad

Will I ever stop being eepy sleepy?

Also has anyone done studies, or written a paper, or even just made useful observations about what part of being trans makes you eepy sleepy? Is it just a transfemme thing or are we all darn tired? Is it estrogen that's doing it? Can I ever sleep properly again and not be tired please? catgirl-flop

I thought this would have worn off by now, "second puberty" right? But I guess being sleebi is with me for life =) please help!

Resisting the urge to make every workout a glute day doggirl-sweat

Edie [it/it/its/its/itself, she/her/her/hers/herself] - 1.6yr

xok I hunger, feed me pronouns

ThermonuclearEgg - 1.6yr

Up with trans

Kissed my wife’s hand and called her mi’lady once and now it’s all she does to me. badeline-bruh

I started this bit, not you! badeline-scream

BountifulEggnog [it/its, she/her] - 1.6yr

::: spoiler sad Another miserable, dysphoric and lonely day. Urges are back in full force. I don't really have room to complain but life sucks. What a disappointment. ::: spoiler dysphoria Could barely speak today. I hate my voice. I don't want to talk or make noise ever again. T ruined speaking for me forever.

Whatever. Time to go try and numb the pain before bed. Then get up and right back to it. What an awful cycle. :::

Good: Found a gender affirming voice training place that accepts my insurance, in the process of getting the referral now niko-dance

Bad: I fucked up in scheduling a follow-up with my psych so now I'll be without meds for a couple weeks doggirl-gloom

viva_la_juche [they/them, any] - 1.6yr

The really good Yuri images I have all get rate limited because of how high red they are, gonna need to resize them all so I can upload them

Down with cis

SuperZutsuki [they/them] - 1.6yr

::: spoiler sex (v0lcel police look away) I was doing sex last night but I just had a rough poo so my hole is out of commission until it heals oooaaaaaaauhhh We still had a great time but my I really wanted some penetration panting :::

SorosFootSoldier [he/him, they/them] - 1.6yr

Morning

lilypad [she/her, it/its] - 1.6yr

Its my hrt aniversary, and today has been a good day. I celebrate it instead of my bday cause of bad bday shit, and its so nice to celebrate me and not the day i came into this world! catgirl-happy

::: spoiler transphobia? Got randomly blindsided by transphobia by a friend today and idk how to react. I don't want to go into details, but it was like a "yea, but you're not FULLY a woman" type statement, and because it took me so by surprise I didn't know what to say so I kinda just silently agreed, which made me feel even worse.

I know she didn't realize it was an inappropriate thing say, and she's nice enough that I'm sure she'd listen if I explained why it's not okay, but I'm not sure it would actually change how she sees me, and I don't want to spend my free time hanging out with people who think of me that way. Part of me wants to just let the friendship die by soft ghosting her, but that also feels mean to do to someone who probably don't know they did anything wrong, so idk. doggirl-gloom Sometimes I want to move cities and start over completely stealth so I don't have to deal with stuff like this.

::: spoiler negativity about trans / NDness, dysphoria Why do the two things that effect who I am the most cause me so much pain cri I literally don't understand how anyone can like either of them. Maybe their experiences are just different then mine. Not a day goes by that I don't struggle because of them.

I want to be normal. I want to interact with people normally. I want to be able to build friendships normally. I don't want to hate my body. I don't want to cringe every time I speak. I want to be okay with change.

I'll never have that. I'll always be uncomfortable. With how I interact with others and my own body. That's my experience with being trans and ND. Wanting normal, healthy relationships and experiences but forever being on the other side of the glass. There's one friend who has made me feel not that way. But who I am still causes issues.

That's my identity I guess. Two massive problems that can't be cured, only treated. And I barely have the coping skills to even treat them. I don't know why I'm posting, I guess incessant whining is the third key part of me. :::

I also have some vtuber ones i wanna post but the vtubers look far different than what is drawn and I got disappointed

::: spoiler vent/rebuilding life

Assessing the state of my life with clear eyes right now after years of neglect. Something needs to change rapidly. Ive been out of work for too long. If I cant get something going rapidly I will have to have move back in with family to get a solid foundation to rebuild my life. Not an ideal situation, but they are mostly good with me being trans and I wont be homeless. Surviving is winning. Everything else is bullshit. Whatever it takes. Survive

Wtf is up with the job market? I cant get a word back from any retail job even with previous experience. Even part time no benefit bullshit retail jobs arent responding. Fucking Walmart hasnt even looked at my application after a month according to their website :::

KrupskayaPraxis - 1.6yr

::: spoiler age dysphoria I'm dooming rn, I convinced myself that 26 is too old to pass completely as a woman, even with HRT. Some people say it doesn't do much anymore at my age, which I don't fully believe but I'm still panicking over it. I'm afraid I'll keep looking and sounding like a man forever. :::

AcidSmiley [she/her] - 1.6yr

I know people your age who aren't even on HRT yet, wear a 30$ amazon wig and still pass. The people who want to scare you with made-up nonsense about age limits are either purposefully doing that to gatekeep you or they are brainwormed idiots. Either of that is a bigger threat to living a happy life as a trans person than any physical limits you may or may not have.

::: spoiler spoiler Totally common feeling, it's not true at all. You know the darker side of this is that some people when they're 20 think they're too old to pass because they went through puberty. There's no point being on this treadmill, step off and transition

I remember thinking about what it would have been like transitioning earlier. I don't think I could have, I wouldn't have survived middle school or high school and I don't think I could've made it in uni and I had my ex to take care of at the time anyway. I transitioned exactly when I could have and when I was ready - which was also pretty close to 26 lol. I do remember lamenting that I could have been a hot early 20s bi woman in the early 2010s, oh the lost memories :::

I feel you, I don't think I would have made it in high school either. That's why I fantasize about transitioning at 19 instead.

I do that exact thing, like making up really specific scenarios of how I could have transitioned the instant I turned 18. I don't think it's a good thing for me though. I didn't even realize I was trans at that point, so it wouldn't have ever happened.

::: spoiler spoiler I was this person when i started at 20. Glad I did it anyway. :::

::: spoiler spoiler i started at 31, it'll be fine meow-hug

you should probably spoiler this though :::

I wanted to spoiler, I just forgot.

But why does your comment need a spoiler? You only said how old you were when you transitioned

better to use them more than less i feel

it is also related to your spoiler anyway so emilie-shrug

I’m in my late 30s and started at 34. I’m fine and you’re fine. 26 is a fine age to start. Some of us don’t start til way later and are just fine.

::: spoiler spoiler it's nonsense that there's some specific cutoff that's "too late" - there was a woman at a support group i used to go to who started her transition in her 60s and she was gorgeous, so i think you're more than fine at 26 :::

::: spoiler spoiler Definitely not gonna be an issue. Your body is just as sensitive to hormones now as it was 5 years ago. You could have secondary effects like coarser facial hair that's more annoying to get rid, and if your unlucky some hair loss that's not reversible, but the age itself isn't gonna hold you back.

I started hormones (slightly) later than that, and it only took about half a year before I could go out fem in public without ever getting misgendered by strangers or getting weird looks.

In a vacuum, I don't think it's bad to think about whether you'll eventually be able to pass or not before you start transitioning, because it will affect your life in a major way, but it VERY easily devolves into this self-destructive mode of thinking where you're just making up reasons why you won't pass (like being 26 lol), so try to be gentler to yourself if you do trans-heart :::

I've seen HRT before and afters of people who started at 60 and they passed completely. You're going to be fine.

::: spoiler spoiler I worry about not being able to pass too :meow-hug: we won't know unless we try though. :::

I started at 29

It's been almost four years, and I promise, the results are fantastic. 10/10 no regrets 👍

If it helps, you might want to peek at /r/TransLater to see people who are transitioning in their thirties and later

TheDeed [he/him] - 1.6yr

That's doomer shit if someone is saying HRT won't do anything for you at 26, it's fake. HRT works wonders, don't be afraid to start

We need cat boy emoji in addition to the cat girl emoji so that I don't have to misgender myself every time I use them as a reaction catgirl-flop

Came out to my best friend, he received it very well!

imogen_underscore [it/its, she/her] - 1.6yr

someone complimented my jacket in the airport 😎

I want snuggles so bad right now. It's so cold and headpats sound so nice. Estrogen has been making me super yearny so far

Im taking pills to get more woke

Got my assortment of dollar store nail polishs in front of me, sibling asks if I'm doing any cute Christmas color schemes. I'm clearly not woke enough kiryu-slam

Chat what should my secret set of second pronouns be?

khizuo [ze/zir] - 1.6yr

so the premise of the final project for my trans lit class (due in 4 days) is to draw connections between something we read/watched in class and another piece of trans media (can be an academic work, a primary source from trans history, or just media.) problem is — i almost never consume media lea-breakdown . i'm genuinely at a loss for what to write about. so, trans mega posters — do you have any recommendations for media that is relatively short (i.e short stories, comics, an academic paper, short films, that kind of stuff)? i don't have the time and energy to read a whole novel or long webseries or watch a whole show...

got my hair cut among-drip

I've stayed alive thus far because whenever I start to read those spooky chain emails/messages "repost/send to 5 other people or else" I've learned to turn my brain off blob-no-thoughts in the first couple of words. Believe me I'm gullible as shit but blessed with this brain of mine that deflects curses arm-L centrist arm-R

might just stop using social media

she bought me a squishmallow and its so cute omg its so soft and squishy and kiind of heavier than i expected and i love it i love it i love it thank you for listening

edit: i think it is the perfect size to hug, but i should do several more experiments to be sure

Beetle [hy/hym] - 1.6yr

What’s the strategy for going to family gatherings after social transition? Do you just appear and explain you’re trans to people who ask about your change of appearance?

I want to read something about transbians kissing... sigh....

what do normal people even say?

Sent a message to a trans person i vaguely know irl about like wanting to meet up ask her some things but she left me on delivered. idk, it is what it is ig

Boy put that clairo down and assassinate a CEO

Kiagz [she/her] - 1.6yr

::: spoiler Facial dysmorphia My facial dysmorphia is so bad doggirl-tears Earlier today my face looked really masculine in the mirror, but now it's like a switch flipped in my brain and I can only perceive my face as feminine and really close to passing. I have no idea what I actually look like. :::

it brings me no pleasure to report that marvel rivals is fun

SwitchyWitchyandBitchy [she/her] - 1.6yr

Love this mega 💚

buh [she/her, any] - 1.6yr

girl dinner was all the rage a couple years ago, but today I'm inventing girl brunch (leftover instant mac and cheese and a frozen burrito)

UKucked TERF gay guys will make a whole thing of "when you use the word queer you're calling me a slur", like mf im out here calling myself a removed removed

I’m having trouble really figuring out this community. Should I not be talking about my ex? No one seems to interact with that. Or is it that no one can relate? The user base does seem fairly young so idk.

Don’t mind me just trying to sus this place out. It’s confusing what you folks interact with.

what happened? pour the tea shinji-mug

What do you mean?

To spill the tea is slang for "tell us the gossip" or the truth or maybe "spill the beans" is a better direct slang to slang translation lol. I think it started in black culture but made it's way into drag and gay culture. Pour the tea is just spill the tea, but perhaps a little more intentionally and digging into it and expanding on the situation

Ah, Suppose they meant to reply to another post then. Also never heard that phrase before. Thanks for the info.

Maybe I'll share another time. It wasn't the most pleasant experience of my life. Especially since I did love the man quite a bit.

WalrusDragonOnABike [they/them] - 1.6yr

Think part of it is that its just been quieter recently.

I saw the post and I'm glad to see updates from you, even if they are venting about some struggles you've been dealing with. I don't really know how to respond though. I'm a little younger than you (early 30's), but I've also never had an ex or a SO and don't want one. The only people I'd want support from in such a situation would have been my immediate family, so it is indeed hard for me to relate.

I hope you are feeling well enough to seek out the forms of companionship you desire soon.

Fair enough. I'm still fairly new here all things considered, so I don't know how it functions. I'm trying to not overwhelm with my post count, but I also don't have time so idk.

We'll see what happens. The desire for companionship comes and goes and I do miss my ex a lot from time to time. Part of me misses that closeness, but part of me is glad to be by myself without the toxicity that only another person can bring.

I yap about my ex all the time, feel free.

Sometimes, you post during a period where no one's looking at the mega and it gets buried shrug-outta-hecks

I have no clue how to quantify this. 9:30am is downtime? Figured people would be checking their phones at work or something.

"Nobody replied" means so many potential different things. The only reliable feedback is replies, so like there could be any number of reasons why nobody replied. I see relationshippy posts get mixed results on here so Idk, but if you base your posting exclusively on what people respond to, it becomes like other social media in a way. I just yap about anything, sometimes there are replies sometimes not.

Also this userbase is not that young tbh, we have many cool users who are not children =)

I honestly can't tell. I go by what I see on the matrix and the few posts I've seen here. Maybe I'm just not accustomed to the atmosphere.

And replies are nice when I'm opening myself up on a site full of strangers.

Matrix omori-miserable

Yeah they're pretty cool, I guess I consider it to be part of publically gutting yourself online to not get anything back sometimes. It's harder if rejection sensitivity is a factor, but Idk. It's one of those things. Weirdly I think it helps if you have a high volume of posts, something about recognisability maybe? Not very productive for gutspilling though..

Definitely don’t have the time for a high volume of posts. Even if I’m single, I do still have a life I need to tend to. Guess I’ll just keep to myself then.

there are

T H R E E

I thought I might miss my legal name but I don't

::: spoiler SA Apparently it's conservative to say people actively dissociating can't properly consent to sex. Who knew! :::

day 2 of not saying something... this stinks

That’s something

shut the fuck up please

I could probably not say anything longer than you could

hard mode: we both drink two ciders first

Day 2 of poopoo prevailing

no. you are the doo doo girl now.

Yeah and you know what? I don't need permission to say it. That's the power I have as the doo doo girl

i think you might be doing feminism right now

at least its not me

hmm. i'll think of a derogatory nickname for you soon

oh no

It's time for Friday Rice doggirl-happy

My fucking god I have 250+ images of Yuri memes open in my browser I need to go outside

"I... can't duel her"

"You can't duel her? You said you were doing that for weeks."

"I've been trying to duel her! But every time we get to it, she just stands there blushing. Ominously."

"So?"

"I... just... it's some new technique. I need to figure out the parry or something. She just, blushes. You don't know what it's like!!"

Omg call the volcel police on me, but I keep on watching my Australian Youtube crush and it's been making me so yearny for snuggles. Especially with how cold it is now, cold weather is perfect weather for warming up with snuggles. Guessing starting estrogen last week isn't helping, but omg I just wanna autistically rant about Pokemon and get headpats rn.

::: spoiler CW: Eating disorder I'm making dinner, which I usually struggle with. I haven't really ate all day, because I often just feel like I don't deserve food, or just don't want to gain anti-psychotic weight, and I feel like I've been making good progress on not leaning into those feelings recently. I eat a lot on anti-psychotics, it's not binge eating, that's just really how it is on those meds. I've been refusing to accept that for months and it's been making everything worse, because I'd rather be bullemic than gain that weight I'm supposed to gain on meds. I'm honestly happy to be eating enough to gain weight right now. I might be a chubby girl, but at least I'll be doing good things for myself and I'm happy with that :::

::: spoiler pathetic cloying hugbox seeking Somebody please be nice to me, I had a really hard day catgirl-cry :::

::: spoiler maybe weird physiological quirk? nsfw adjacent but not explicit Uh, does anyone else ever have to sneeze from getting horn'd up? It's weirdly consistent and idk if it's like a neurological thing or what but it's kinda annoying :::

::: spoiler nsfw going to try boofing my prog for a week or two ~~because i'm bored~~ to see if it does anything for me compared to taking it orally :::

::: spoiler WHAT is she yapping abt???? (mention of nsfw topics, more bookyapping) Thinkin about how I don't have anything in my TBR that is T4T and I decided that sapphic transfemme romances exclusively being cis4trans is uh transphobia and a crime.

What do I fuckin care about cis people huh???? I am not scouring these tags to be seeing cis people be gay. I am literally drowning in cis lesbian romances, please lay off. Where are all the neato stories about beautiful trans lesbians kissing??????

A full survey of the T4Ts I have discovered:

The Last Girl Scout by Natalie Ironside, in which the central relationship kind of gets sidelined by Trotskyist shenanigans and killing vampires.
The Price On Her Head by Suzanne Clay, which I remember enjoying but is minotaur erotica so.
In the Court of the Nameless Queen by Natalie Ironside, which is great if you like spiders! Only one of the four shorts is t4t though.
Psycho Nymph Exile by Porpentine Charity Heartscape, which woooooooah damn. Hey woooah, slow down a sec, damn. That's a lot at once.

And if you wanna be kinda sad n fruity abt it, Little Blue Encyclopedia by Hazel Jane Plante has the narrator missing & mourning her beautiful best friend she had a crush on. Yes I recommend it.

Why do I have to deal with cis people being part of these relationships in my fiction all the time? I wouldn't date cis people. I ain't fuckin interested. Quite frequently the cis half of these things is either an annoying cardboard cutout or quite frankly a source of scuffed shit too. (see Something Borrowed by Daisy Landish, Lifetime Between Us and Knock Me Down by Diana Morland, and Pack of Her Own by Elena Abbott)

So why can we not have more cool books about t4t, huh? Who do I need to talk to about this?? I guess I need to dive into ao3 or something to find em, Idk. I haven't been on an internet expedition to find more books lately, my TBR is packed. But I'd add more books if they were gay t4t!!! :::

::: spoiler bodily fluids (yellow-ish) Forgetting to "milk out" the last of the piss so there is piss in my underwear. catgirl-hiss

I'm not even on HRT. this is bullshit. At least with HRT there must be upsides, but no, I just get piss in my underwear without any upsides.

Edit: nobody say that the piss in my underwear is the upside. :::

It's like 7am and I've been up for like 26 hours but I have a (good post‽) to make about Gender and an album I like a lot, please remind me to share my thoughts on it because it might be good idk

(Protest the Hero's first two albums in case you're curious)

infuziSporg [e/em/eir] - 1.6yr

"Why yes, my name is Robert Allen Badassmotherfucker"

::: spoiler blogposting, actually really positive?? Did the financial account shit I've been putting off forever and it went well!! I'm not totally broke for the first time in ages??? I went shopping???? I never do that normally but I got some clothes and went to a cool retro vidya store and it was really nice and I spent way too much on games I might not play but I got a ton of cool shit and the people there were really nice and cool to me?? I had an actual good day for once and don't know how to process it actually lmao but everything's coming up LocalOaf! milhouse meow-bounce catgirl-happy :::

friday rice time doggirl-happy

::: spoiler Missing dose

I missed one of my doses for the first time, goddamnit. I can't take it since I'm already on the bus to another city. I'm reqcting to this more emotionally than I thought. I'm distraught. Missing one dose of three daily doses shouldn't be that big of a deal and I hate how strongly I'm panicking over it. Maybe taking 2mg instead of one mg tonight will make for it :::

::: spoiler some self-work on feeling secure in relationships, cw vague mentions of past trauma, bad relationships, etc. i spent a lot of the day yesterday excavating my very soul, and realizing that I have some trust/security issues when it comes to romantic relationships. I've been through a lot of relationships in which I felt alone in my struggles (to be fair, I was severely depressed and anxious and having regular meltdowns when I was younger) and felt uncared for, but now I'm wondering how much of those feelings were my own kind of barriers?

I think I'm trying to say that I think several of the people in my past did genuinely care about me, in retrospect, but I was incapable of feeling secure because of trauma/my own mental health struggles. Trying to recalibrate in the face of that is really weird for me, but I kinda need to explore whether this is true because I don't want to be held back from trusting new people, I want to make friends and be good to my romantic partners and such.

I did a bunch of reading on relationship security last night, and found some interesting new ideas:

Insecurity in a relationship can come from within and be a "me" problem, a self-worth issue
Insecurity can also be created by the actual situation in the relationship itself (like if someone isn't meeting your needs). And sometimes we can blame ourselves for needing things and hate ourselves for having needs that aren't being met, either because what we want to ask for is "unacceptable" or we are scared of a possible confrontation.
Insecurity can also just be a byproduct of a relationship being new as well, I think, since you're getting to know someone.

I think I've come to a few conclusions here:

I need to stop apologizing for being me - if I need to ramble a bit, or if I need some comfort, or anything like that, I shouldn't be ashamed to ask from the people close to me. And I shouldn't apologize for needing these things. In short, it's ok to be "needy." And I hope that people can do it back.
If people can't/won't meet my needs, then I should find people who can (luckily, everyone I am close to at the moment is extremely supportive).
Self-censorship makes even the most well-intentioned relationships difficult - I need to learn to stop censoring my emotions and to express them.
Finally, I need to put in some effort to figure out what my needs are. Vague uncertainty is kind of like ... difficult for anyone to do anything about, so having clarity within myself helps me to communicate.

I got a lot of hope from one of the things I read that said basically that the author believed pretty much anyone could learn secure attachment styles.

I also really am starting to understand the idea of "enthusiastic consent," finally. Both in a sense for if I'm not a "fuck yes" to something I should probably be saying no, and also if someone else isn't a "fuck yes" about X or Y then I should find someone who is and that I shouldn't let them do things they don't really want to do just to try to make me happy (There is of course an asterisk here for crisis situations etc).

I've been in a lot of "meh" situations in my past just because I've been afraid to be alone and I've felt that no one could really be enthusiastic about me because of that, so I never really thought it applied to me. Knowing that there are people who are enthusiastic about doing things with me and that its possible for that to be mutual gives me hope that I can have exciting and fulfilling relationships. I think if I chase after the excitement more and say no to things I'm not excited about, I won't push myself too hard, my needs will be met, etc. etc. :::

I always feel so slutty when one of my suspenders is falling loose from my shoulders under my clothes, I try to adjust it but unless if I cross them and make an X they go down eventually.

@x87_floatingpoint@hexbear.net do you like any of these cat boy/wolf boy emojis?

Oh my god... Louboutin carries my size...

Is there a way to organize stuff numerically (using alphabetical sorting) if you have more than 9 things?
It's putting the two-digit numbers after 1 before 2 and so forth...and I'm at a loss of what to do. doggirl-sweat

girls help i need help finding that one pic of joseph stalin put through the femme faceapp filter

Refreshing my music library like

geordi-no Prog rock/metal with masc vocalists

geordi-yes Prog rock/metal with fem vocalists

the foxes are eating the galaxy

::: spoiler dysphoria Shaved my face. Still can feel the little fucking hairs, but now my face hurts. Still look awful, still feel awful, literally just keeps the problem from getting worse. I've been laying in bed crying. Why did I have to go through male puberty. I hate being male. Fixing ~~the things that even can be fixed~~ is going to be such a long and difficult process. god I hate this. :::

::: spoiler no context image, not edited :::

People have been calling me mommy and mom at work. It's not crazy far off from my actual name... but cmon. Don't call me mom, we're coworkers wtf

everyone always wishes a mary christmas but never a joseph christmas #mensrights

Having someone close to me would’ve really helped these past two weeks. It’s been pretty lonely since I can’t get out and hang out with people. My caretaker is literally just a family member, so not much to be gained there. She’s doing okay, but kinda just sits there on her phone until I yell for water or something. Even then, she’s made herself sparse since I became more mobile. Eh.

I need to get back on the dating bandwagon sooner or later. Just don’t like doing it this close to 40 as a transwoman. Maybe after I’m fully recovered. Not sure if I’m ready yet though.

Removed by Cr34t0r

I had to be productive at work today, so I missed everything that happened. Welcome to all the new folks from bluesky!

::: spoiler Depression, being an asshole to myself Really need to get friends IRL and a therapist. Finding myself far to reliant on this site emotionally. Like I went to message the admins to delete my shit because I want to force myself to get out, but I somehow had a fucking mental breakdown over it because I am an emotional gaping open wound. This fucking alienation from capitalism sucks ass. Wish I was actually emotionally strong enough to fight against it but I'm just a failure. ::: Gonna just try taking a break from the bearsite for now to see if I can force myself to get friends

My favorite hoodie was a bit torn at the armpit but I resisted the urge to rip off the sleeves and sowed it back up. I really need to practice my sewing again I won't say I was ever great at it but my skills have really fallen off.

::: spoiler sex materials So, turns out j lube really is all that, new favorite lube, and it dries very cleanly ^^

I have like 100 free games in my Epic account but I've only played maybe 3 of them

I think I might be ready to try makeup 👀. I think what was going on before was I was scared to try and I was interpreting that as being overwhelmed

I gotta get my passport redid, I'm going to Seattle for My Chemical Romance and that's the last thing I need changed to my current name and gender

hey

I'm having to relearn rust because it's been over 2 years since I last touched it and ughghgh how could I ever have forsaken this beautiful language 😭

king gizzard is so good. i don't want to be one of those fans who makes this band my entire personality, but i fear it's slowly happening against my will...

::: spoiler Transphobia, Gov IDs Well got my passport back and they didn't fix the gender marker, despite marking that there was a change on the DS-11. Now I have to submit a DS-5504 and pray that everything gets expedited in time, and that they actually fix it. At least I was able to get the same passport photo reprinted, as I need to send in a new one and didn't have time to do makeup this morning.

I also need to go to the SSA and get the gender marker fixed there. Been cutting it close on these documents, but have been so fucking busy. :::

::: spoiler mental health stuff, self image/identity musing? Drugs/alcohol/sobriety stuff I know it's a pretty standard trans 101/egg crack kinda line of thought, but I was walking around listening to one of my favorite albums from when I was a teenager and thinking about how I felt about it at the time vs now and how my sense of self has changed since then, and I had the kind of "well if you felt (way x) about yourself then and (way y) now, what if you feel (way z) after the same amount of time since (x) to now passes in the future and you're not really the kind of person you understand yourself as right now? A lot changed in that last decade/decade and a half" and I kinda worked through the basic "what do you think you want to be like when you're old(er)?" all over again, and it was already the case for the most part but "I don't want to be a guy, and I definitely never want to be an old man" really crystallized mentally for me

I dunno if I'll be an old lady someday or some other kind of weird old queer or something, but I guess I hadn't really ever fully solidified that thought entirely in my head and it was kind of a relief to settle it to myself but I got kinda emotional and afraid for the future and sad about how much time I feel like I've wasted

::: spoiler drugs/shrooms/nicotine/caffeine/alcohol, relapse Been micro dosing shrooms in addition to relapsing on cigarettes, a steady diet of kratom, and slipped off the teetotaling wagon a bit recently

I feel like shrooms and kratom have been really good for me mentally, but shrooms really make me crave smokes, and I've been under a ton of stress and relapsed and got drunk the other night

Didn't get sloppy or do anything stupid but I still feel kinda shitty about it

It feels like a pathetic weasely post-hoc justification to myself, but my silver lining has been avoiding spirits and sticking to wine

If I drink anything 80 proof or higher, it gets ugly quick and I've kept myself from doing that

Idk if total sobriety from alcohol is even feasible for me long term

Pretty sure there's a big genetic component to family alcoholism and I'm pretty certain I got it from my dad

Booze doesn't seem to effect me the same way it does for most people, like how stimulants effect ADHD ppl different. I dunno. I hate that any time I get drunk, there's a part of my brain that's like, "see, our brain needs some of this to work 'normal', look at how much better we're masking and how much less anxious and irritable we are! Isn't this great??" and partially feeling that way in the moment and my own conflicted response of the rest of me wanting to be a teetotaler really fuels a self loathing spiral

I dunno, I'm trying really hard to improve myself and it's exhausting and I'm never really satisfied with the results and don't know what to do about that

Sorry for the big bloggy rant lovely ppl

trans-heart

i just love to get anxious about something that didnt happen, but might happen in a timeline. maybe not this one, but STILL

I love my brain thonk-cri

::: spoiler bit idea (that’s maybe a little too self deprecating) Staying closeted forever because you’re a horrible person and it would be bad rep to be openly trans :::

No nut is whatever sobriety is not too bad but istg having to keep my legs uncrossed for extended periods is the true test of will power shatter

@GayTuckerCarlson@hexbear.net I can't stop saying "what is going on???" to myself when I see shitty drivers doing something stupid now and I love it (we love it, don't we folks?? a-little-trolling ) but I blame you and Nick Mullen lmao

live-tucker-reaction

Thought I was straight and cis? Guess again. Don't believe me? Take a look.

tucker-catboy hexbear-non-binary hexbear-pan

my friends did a fun thing last night and i told myself to be responsible and not call out to go and i am such a dumb bitch i should have called the fuck out and gone

would you still love me if i was a wyrm

it's official

i am now the type of person to spend money on a gacha game

I’m awake for 5 hours now and just rotting in bed. The sun will set soon and I haven’t even opened the curtains or gotten out of bed lol. No idea why my body just randomly decides to shut down some days.

wore my black turtleneck with my black flared pants, hair in a ponytail that always want to come to the front and some dark eyeshadow. Feeling really nice, need to start dressing up cute just because once a week atleast catgirl-heart

waking up sore all over, from yesterdays workout, at 10am after a poorly slept night and a very mild hangover after taking two ginger ales and a shot

yeah it's getting old time chomsky-yes-honey

My gf is saying I’m Bert doggirl-gloom

This girl on Love Is Blind says she does “Service Industry stuff guys might have a problem with” and it’s bartending and whatever “bottle service is”.

Is there some innuendo I am missing…or do I not know what bottle service is or are Cishet just weird?
Like the guy was like “yeah that could be a lot to handle, but I’m confident” like…wtf is wrong with bartending!? doggirl-sweat

@ashinadash@hexbear.net from last MT!

::: spoiler spoiler

I haven't been in a changeroom since childhood... never thought of public bathrooms as a gendered social interaction though, and I (at least used to, much less now) use those all the time, huh. I am probably genuinely entirely unaware.

I mean I guess for me I get very in my head about it, first of all I hate strangers hearing me use the restroom, and I guess I get a little afraid using the woman's even after all these years. So I'd call that gendered, at least for me. More neutral bathrooms tbh. But I think cis people find gendered bathrooms gender affirming, so...

Say it to me again please, ahhhh I fucking adore being around people who've been at it as long as or longer than me, mmmmmm...

I am 15 years in! and i am very happy with how it all turned out. Every time someone says "My boobs are tiny and I've been on E for 2 years" I just want to tell them that the growing doesn't stop for like a decade lol. Also CPA is great.

I wonder about how I carry myself, now that I think about it. I know I stand different now but that's not really conscious, my knees bent inward at some point. I guess probably some of the ways I exist read typically femme, but the constructing-signals and performative thing, uh... I never really internalised the passage from orange book in which Maria talks about how 'there's going to have to be some intentionality in the way I present myself if I want to get read correctly'. In orange book parlence: Dude, no?

Yeah, I did all that, honestly it felt kinda fun, natural, and affirming at the time. But I agree, no one should have to conform in this way unless they want to, both because the "woman" box constructed by society is tiny and we should enlargen it, and also not everyone wants to identify as "woman."

(DID YOU KNOW: FOR CHECKING YOUR NAILS FANNING YOUR FINGERS IS "MASC" BUT CURLING THEM IS "FEMME"???? It is not, but such is the board lmao)

jesus i think i just caught a brainworm from reading this, i literally have seen women in sitcoms do both... wow lol

unironically I had a way worse correctly-gendered percentage back when I was trying to intentionally present "as a woman". It unironically seems to work better when I don't give a shit, and wear like hoodies and sweats and shit. Unsure if this is a natural-comfort-confidence thing or a hormones thing or something else...

I am not sure! If I had to guess I think that being comfortable in your presentation is a big factor in getting read correctly. I like dressing up but I get super nervous and definitely feel like I don't fit in like I do when I "tomboy" it up.

Holy fuck how horrifying

haha yep and now i listen to Fall Out Boy so maybe that's not a lot better. :::

first of all I hate strangers hearing me use the restroom, and I guess I get a little afraid using the woman's even after all these years.

NEW THOUGHT: peeing loudly in a public bathroom is a bold assertion of trans rights bridget-smug sheesh though, making me realise I haven't thought about it in so long. Probably not since I yelled at the principal that I wasn't gonna use the boys' room anymore...

AH but that's so real of you though!!!!! catgirl-heart Yessssss honestly, Idk how to make " just wait nerd you have your whole life of hormones ahead of you" productive to say so I mostly just shut up, but I feel this constantly.

honestly it felt kinda fun, natural, and affirming at the time. But I agree, no one should have to conform in this way unless they want to, both because the "woman" box constructed by society is tiny and we should enlargen it, and also not everyone wants to identify as "woman."

Hmmmm... lea-think hard agree, very much agree...

think i just caught a brainworm from reading this, i literally have seen women in sitcoms do both... wow lol

Please no, it's a shit meme, literally not real, looking to 4ch users for advice on gendered behaviours is worse than aaking me for social advice. They do not have the observational skill.

If I had to guess I think that being comfortable in your presentation is a big factor in getting read correctly. I like dressing up but I get super nervous and definitely feel like I don't fit in like I do when I "tomboy" it up.

So real and true :3 it was fun to get dolled up and stuff, but it did sort of feel like something to put on, and not in a brainwormed genderessentialist way, but more of a "this does not fit me because it is not who I am" if that makes any sense. I should Tomboy It Up more......

now i listen to Fall Out Boy so maybe that's not a lot better.

madeline-stare For one I shant bully you for your taste, but for two it actually is a lot better imo. Also a larger upgrade than truly detestable genres like hair metal :> :::

NEW THOUGHT: peeing loudly in a public bathroom is a bold assertion of trans rights

YES

sheesh though, making me realise I haven't thought about it in so long. Probably not since I yelled at the principal that I wasn't gonna use the boys' room anymore...

I'm glad that you don't think about it, tbh! I think none of us should have to, just use where you're most comfortable or w/e.

Yessssss honestly, Idk how to make " just wait nerd you have your whole life of hormones ahead of you" productive to say so I mostly just shut up, but I feel this constantly.

Oh yeah I mean when it's someone I know I'll go all in on it, surprising how many people don't know!!

yeah 4chan is rough, it took years to purge some of the shit people said there confidently that got stuck in my brain. It is viral in a sense, imo, where even just exposure to it can get it stuck in your head and make you feel insecure. Luckily I got told I was beautiful like 500 times today so I'm good on nail checking lol.

Yeah, I mean I like the way I look when I do it, but I never really got used to being seen by others like that. Its something I want to work on, I want to be comfortable presenting more fem but it's so hard. I'm not sure what will help me.

For one I shant bully you for your taste, but for two it actually is a lot better imo. Also a larger upgrade than truly detestable genres like hair metal :>

Infinity On High is a good album, idk I like it it's catchy in a good way, ear candy :::

Based and correct, I guess I should consider myself lucky to be so oblivious and silly doggirl-sweat

Yea... god I wish that were me...

even just exposure to it can get it stuck in your head and make you feel insecure. Luckily I got told I was beautiful like 500 times today so I'm good on nail checking lol.

waow-based Soaking up the compliments huh... but yeah it's like an actual irl cognitohazard. One look and I start saying unfunny boymoder memes or w/e.

but I never really got used to being seen by others like that. Its something I want to work on, I want to be comfortable presenting more fem but it's so hard. I'm not sure what will help me.

Lucky to be so oblivious and silly, me doggirl-thumbsup Huh interesting, wonder if it's to do with the actual other people or it's some thing entirely internal to you?

ear candy

Ear candy :> :::

Soaking up the compliments huh...

Yeah meow-melt I could get used to this...

Lucky to be so oblivious and silly, me

I am so happy for you in this regard in general, I admire that you are not held back in these ways. I hope I too can join you someday :)

Huh interesting, wonder if it's to do with the actual other people or it's some thing entirely internal to you?

This is a good question!! I am going to have to think on this... I don't think it's simple. I'm discovering that my real self is extremely buried under a lot of things, so excavating that under all the various protective parts is going to be a journey and a half.

so happy for you in this regard in general, I admire that you are not held back in these ways. I hope I too can join you someday :)

Thank you & I hope you can too, I think I got here by being an oblivious little shit though. I took the wrong route to get here.

I don't think it's simple. I'm discovering that my real self is extremely buried under a lot of things, so excavating that under all the various protective parts is going to be a journey and a half.

When you find out that the You is buried under stuff catgirl-flop it looks like it's going well for you at least, like knowing yourself more is good 99.999% of the time.

Working on it ... I want to as well.

When you find out that the You is buried under stuff it looks like it's going well for you at least, like knowing yourself more is good 99.999% of the time.

Yes absolutely!!!

I think I lost my cute floral pattern tights. Was picking out a dress to wear tmrw for once and thought they would go well with it but I can't find them anywhere :(

hey, can i say something please

How do people even get prescribed the gender hormones? What is the process?

I don't have much hope that I'd make it through whatever process deeper-sadness , but at least knowing how it works would be good

Neither ~~washington~~ good girl nor ~~Moscow~~ good boy

Decided I'm gonna learn a piano piece I've loved for ages but only ever partially learned

keytar

Might get a new guitar amp finally too and relearn some stuff and try to practice regularly again

Who knows, might even buy a bass I've wanted for ages

sankara-bass

To the girls: how did your interest in sport change during your transition? Did you start to like it less, now it wasn't expected of you to like it?

tamagotchicowboy [he/him] - 1.6yr

I didn't really realize the importance of practicing non-verbal vocalizations until lunch the other day at work I was looking at AE cat toys inspired by seeing some flopping fish that was swat activated and I saw a stoned cartoon penguin looking toy making goofy sounds getting batted around by a cat (at first hesitantly then with enjoyment) on an ad and I just lost it. Everyone stared at me weird, hard to say if its because I'm serious and rarely laugh, or because I knew that laugh was more of a giggle. I did find a fish that looked decent and did get some sort of birb, not the stoned penguin, I wouldn't have survived that, and it was a bit out of budget. I'm not sure if my cats will go for it, but they do love their fish kick-toy.

I was also so hosed and tired at work I unthinkingly ran an agripop line on an old customer who tells stories of being a fed. Oops. Should have seen his face. I'd ask what's wrong with me, but that's what happens when you're so deep-fried from heavy workweeks on shit wages all you need is salt and dipping sauce, filter is long gone.

Can anyone DM me any reliable estradiol powder vendors that I could reach out to? I am planning to stockpile pills at my next prescription refills, but I am interested in making estrogel as a backup. I have experience in chemistry, and have "access" to equipment to evaluate purity/contamination.

I must hst-gun brainworms

piss pee through the phone

I know I've been posting about these in tracha a lot, but I want to post more about it (and also get back into the swing of posting here in general again).

Last in person exam of the semester done, feeling pretty good about all my classes, now I have the rest of the week to just focus on my last few online exams. I'm glad this mess of a semester managed to calm down a bit, even if it's during what's normally the busiest time of the semester lol.

tiddies question: I typically never take off a bralette, even when I'm sleeping. idk why but it just feels normal and affirming to me. is this going to stop my tiddies from growing? do i need to let the girls free every once in a while or should I be fine to keep wearing something over them all the time

Bearlifter [he/him] - 1.6yr

Anecdotally when I was younger and mine were coming in wearing something over them didn't change how big they got even though I was wearing really tight sports attire- but just keep in mind that when they do get bigger any collected sweat from your underboob can lead to rashes and general discomfort, so if you feel more comfortable wearing something, just make sure to wash the area often and make sure the skin is dry before wearing more clothing. I also put a little bit of baby powder underneath to keep myself feeling comfy. Hope this helps!

No, it won't have any negative impacts on breast growth, you can sleep in whatever you want doggirl-thumbsup

It won't hurt development until they grow bigger. Then a bralette would be probably too small and constricting, which can be a problem (for people who bind it can interfere with chest development but obviously it they're binding they probably don't want em that bad anyway)

::: spoiler everything went better than expected social anxiety thing, clocking/public gender presentation Cishet (assuming sry but pretty sure) couple I see at my gym all the time that I've seen looking at me kinda funny a couple times and I was nervous that they were clocking me or weird about me introduced themselves and we chatted a bit last night and they're actually nice?

The bf is kinda an annoying bro from first impression but he was friendly when I actually talked to him and gave me a couple pointers and he has really nice arms shy

They have matching shoes too which was cute

People have been nice to me lately and I'm not used to it, feels weird (but good?) aubrey-happy

Wondering how it'd go over if I wear nail polish or makeup to the gym, I think I look pretty androgynous there normally but I mostly get gendered as "guy(androgynous, probably queer) by strangers there, idk

Haven't been assertive about my pronouns or name and I kinda don't want the hassle there honestly which is disappointing but I dunno

Like I'm not really stealth irl but I haven't bothered correcting anyone

I don't think anyone really cares and I mostly just keep to myself

Gender stuff is exhausting sometimes

catgirl-flop :::

@BountifulEggnog@hexbear.net sorry finally getting back to your response from before

::: spoiler executive dysfunction it's tough rn for me, luckily my job is pretty chill. When there's emergencies I am able to focus, but I struggle to do things on my own, like read docs etc.

Watching youtube videos used to help, sometimes the right music does, turns out watching people drive garbage trucks on livestreams is good or people clearing out beaver dams or play silly games...

I think it helps, because I am chronically understimulated. Sometimes I will play a bit of guitar if I need to think, the finger motion even though I'm just "noodling" helps jog my brain and get it into a better state.

I think caffeine helps me too, I am always coffee, but these days I'm wondering if I should pursue ADHD medication. Friend of mine just got diagnosed and went on and she's having a really good time with the meds, making her way through a nursing program now when she was really struggling before medication. I'd like to be able to focus better...so... :::

blipblip [they/them] - 1.6yr

As someone with ADHD, this whole comment is screaming ADHD. If you have the means get in touch with a psychiatrist! Meds aren't a magic bullet that turn you into a normal functioning person 100% of the time but they're genuinely life changing when you find a medication that works for you!

totally, i was diagnosed ADHD years ago, tried dex for a bit, couldnt really make it work for me, and gave up, so i'm hoping i can get back to it tbh

There's other ones besides Vyvanse (I can't remember the generics name, it's like dexlesamphetamine I swear to god). There's Concerta as well (and more)

No all good, I still have people I need to respond to as well distress

Reading docs yea I think reading is an area its really noticeable for me.

Could you maybe explain understimulation a bit? Like I know overstimulation pretty well, but I can't pin down if understimulation is also a problem for me. I end up switching between tasks a lot, even when its something I like. Doing something with my fingers is a good idea though, I should go back to rubiks solving.

I need to try caffeine too, I'm always hesitant because I already have such a hard time falling asleep. If you think meds will help you should try, I've heard good things from all my adhd friends.

Had my second yakuza yaoi dream ever and like I think more things are starting to make sense now to me. Dream also involved anarxi and transformers over all absolute cinema something prob awoke in me now. Kept thinking they just like me fr kiryu-dame-da-ne

I tried painting again tonight. Made it about 2 hours and hurt myself. This recovery sucks. I thought it was going to be in and out and done. But no, I can't sit in a normal chair for more than a couple hours before I swell up like a balloon and start hurting like hell. I just want to paint my minis. ;w;

AHHH THE DAFT PUNK MOVIE WAS SO COOL. So glad I did this for myself

bought a band t-shirt for the first time in like 10 years

does anyone want to guess the band crush

Luna - 1.6yr

The Return?

I meant to study for my Finals tmrw but instead i just looked at cute Yuri for 2 hours what is wrong with me help

New hexpuppy emotes doggirl-shock

GalaxyBrain [they/them] - 1.6yr

WIIHAPPYFEW [any, any] - 1.6yr

@milistanaccount09@hexbear.net was chill as hell where the fuck did she go :(

yeah i have alpha gal. i'm a badass boss babe who's allergic to your beef

::: spoiler slightly bad mental health omori-miserable I feel so fucking depressed whenever I haven't slept properly. I don't want to do anything, I try to think what to do to have time go by, and there is just nothing I want to do. Just emptiness inside. :::

Homemade pizza for dinner in honor of The Adjuster (yes I know he made some chud tweets up to 2022). mama FUCKIN mia

::: spoiler dysphoria posting flipping a coin every morning i look in the mirror to see if i think i look like a super pretty girl or a sad ugly man whose face hasn't changed at all since starting HRT :::

the number of feds who are learning the words "sussy baka" today must be extreme

snanta claus

In between video game ost ambience vids mario-thumbs-up and dragon ball what ifs/powerscaling vids goku-halal yt is starting to recommend me advice for sigma women, nice to know the mighty algorithm recognizes my sigma nature top-use-words

oscardejarjayes [comrade/them] - 1.6yr

Luigi Mangione gave a pretty positive review of a-guy 's manifesto, which... well, idk, that's not great.

https://web.archive.org/web/20241209181228/https://www.goodreads.com/user/show/55354261-luigi-mangione

doesn't look particularly leftist, but idk

I can't remember if we cw weed so I'll do it just in case

::: spoiler weed Haven't had weed in months, partially to reduce intake but mostly due to a tighter budget the last few months. We got a little extra money for xmas so we decided to treat ourselves. Taking a roughly half-year t-break than going to 42% thc infused sativa is uhhhh kind of a lot. I wish I picked something to watch or do because I'm just kinda bouncing around in my own head and it'd be nice to focus that somewhere else. :::

shath [comrade/them] - 1.6yr

more like alan fart

how long on E do i have to be on before i unlock the tiger drop????

I've been thinking of getting on HRT for a couple months now, but I've been apprehensive for one reason: everything I've seen/read about it says it makes you smaller/weaker. I'm already a pretty short and weak person (I'm probably slightly below the average height for women in the US as is). For merely practical reasons I don't want this; if I had to defend myself in a fight or had to work a physically strenuous job, I want/need any small advantage I can get.

idk, I know there's no good answer or response to my concerns, I just want to vent ig. If anyone else has gone through a similar struggle please tell me what did/didn't convince you to get on HRT.

Newish modality on the bi-cycle: over relationships and crushes (again) lol

should i get sandwhich on the way home or starve

hexbee [she/her] - 1.6yr

::: spoiler this is the

ANTI BLAHAJ AKTION

iridaniotter [she/her] - 1.6yr

::: spoiler micro twitter drama, anti-trans slurs, transphobia, syscourse

"Sh*male and Selfcest Represent Similarities Not Only of Structural Character, but Semantic and Functional Also" – the greatest thread in the history of forums, locked by a moderator after 12,239 pages of heated debate,

I love you Iris of IGB

can't wait to see chris jericho's shock return on the raw on netflix debut. google chris jericho january 6th for more info

Zoned out to the entirety of Ok Goodnight's The Fox and The Bird while watching butterchurnviz

Highly recommended