Gender research findings go here

hi, does anyone wanna make the mega in the upcoming weeks? if so, reply to this post and i'll add you to the list!

the list as it stands:

SwitchyWitchyandBitchy (12/2 - 12/8)
HelltakerHomosexual* (12/9 - 12/15)
GayTuckerCarlson* (12/16 - 12/22)
AshenWolf*  (12/23 - 12/29)
Eco* (12/30 - 1/5)
oscardejarjayes* (1/6 (The Darkest Day in Our Democracy.) - 1/12)

EstraDoll (3/2 - 3/8)

​ * after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters

Whoamg my boobs are so huge now AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I’m in a ton of pain though. But I’m alive so woo! And my chest has melons on it!

I saw my mom for the first time in a few months today, and she asked me if I'm aware I'm starting to look just like her and that seeing me was basically like seeing herself

Officially in the estrogen making you look like your mom gang

My gender today is girlrotting fail witch.

In the hospital for my top surgery. I’ll see all you folks on the other side :3

I stood up for myself and my gender for the first time today. A friend kept degendering me and I asked him not to.

Kind of a small thing but I feel proud of myself since I've always had a poor self esteem

I'm no longer a kissless virgin, just a regular virgin 😎

I haven’t gone swimming in years.
I used to love swimming.
I wish I could do it without worrying about how I look or body image issues or other people.

Lady on this show just let her dog take a lick out of her whine glass and then continued to drink from it.
White women be crazy.

Coolish gay guy I met turns out to have brainworms about furries :( Guy thought being a furry was akin to bestiality

::: spoiler absolutely unrestrained gushing OKAY so have you ever just heard someone's voice and it makes you just kinda fucking melt? Yeah, that's me, every time I hear her voice... its somehow comforting and sexy at the same time and I just kinda want to keysmash everytime we voice chat and I kinda get a little nervous and flustered and sometimes have a little difficulty talking but that's nice too because I can generally just be quiet around her too and that's really cool.

ugh she's so great chat ugh :::

first thanksgiving as a t girl. time to ruin it by openly reading settlers

oh FUCK me are my tits fucking tender now OWIE

My package got seized, fucking transphobic customs

today in adventures in being out at work

guy comes up to me and while i'm pretty used to being called "sir" because of my barely trained voice, this guy called me "sir" before i fucking said a word to him , so I just took a mental deep breath and responded to him in my best femme voice I could muster. I think I could feel that it was at least good enough to put him on his toes because the rest of the interaction was kind of awkward and he never called me a man after

going to ruin Thanksgiving this year by being a trans woman, getting drunk, and then screaming about how this holiday is a celebration of genocide and that we're currently on the stolen land of the Notdoxxingmyself people

It feels equal parts strange and nice clicking the little "female" box on my school applications

::: spoiler CW: Talking about top/bottom surgery 29 hours until I have to be at the hospital for my surgery. Losing my mind. Just as excited for this as I was for bottom surgery a couple years ago. Finally will get my lopsided tits fixed. Gods know I always wanted large breasts even before my egg cracked. They're big enough as is, but now they're going to be BEEG. Can't wait.

That being said, I'm also getting a minor revision to my bottom surgery. I'm looking forward to that because that, too, somehow got lopsided >w> :::

Putting stuff behind spoiler tags now for reasons.

::: spoiler CW: Surgical recovery This has been way rougher than I could have anticipated. I hurt. I hate laying in bed. I’m lonely. I’m constantly sore. It’s hard to do much more besides watch tv which is literally just every episode of 80s Price is Right. I genuinely don’t want to be on my mobile devices. I’m bored. I wanna paint minis. I wanna get on my PC. My caretaker yells at me (and rightfully so) every time I think of getting out of bed. Ugh. The next two weeks can’t go quickly enough. Oh and I also can’t sleep more than three hours at a time and I can’t remember what day of the week it is.
:::

::: spoiler do not read this, its way too positive I had the best evening ever yesterday. I got dragged along (thank you) by the girl I am dating to a discord thing, and it was so nice to hang out and play games with the cool people there. I'm so glad to be welcomed by this new friend group I could cry a little.

It was allegedly a date night but I wouldn't change anything, and we still got some time after to hang out and wow sure does feel good to be close to her damn I literally do not even have words for that feeling of trust and closeness. :::

Many people are saying "up with trans"

Hanging out with fellow transmascs is so funny. Can’t really explain why so I’ll just leave it at that. (It was cool though)

I preemptively unsubbed from all the major trans subreddits right before election night, and about 3 weeks later, i do not regret that decision in the slightest and am glad i saved my mental health from all the posting

I wonder if any of the feds lurking this place had their egg cracked by the strong trans presence

another trans girl out at work. unlimited funny looks at my name tag

How do you talk without your vocal chords deciding to randomly sound like they're sick for the next 24 hours sometimes

Suffering intensifies Don't even know what the fuck is wrong with me anymore but whyyyyyyyyy. I don't have a brain that works right anymore. Really feels like my entire life collapsed at once. Not a good feeling.

Things I miss: interacting with people, not being in excruciating pain all the time, not having realised that I have several needs that run counter to eachother or are guaranteed to be painful for me. I hate.

I think we should make a tracha-lite (tracha but less chaotic/probably with a spray bottle to keep users like me contained). There's been at least a few people (4~ come to mind) I've seen and talked to who said normal tracha can be overwhelming or intimidating.

I know we talked about that a bit in the tracha mods chat, but figure that tossing the idea here would probably also help it not be drowned out by other chats (might make a post or idk later as well, idk)

So I was a little worried that I wouldn't actually be happy after moving and that it was all just my own brainworms that I'd never be able to get rid of...

I was wrong. I'm actually feeling genuinely happier about life and at least somewhat hopeful about the future. I like the new job, new location is better than I imagined, and I'm making plans to start socializing IRL for the first time in ages. Everything seems to be going well and it kind of scares me a little, but I can't go through life just being worried all the time I suppose.

Also makes me happy that people are posting cute stuff in /c/cute :D I honestly wasn't sure people would be into it but at least some are. I need to keep finding new cute stuff to post to keep the cute train moving forward though.

Getting home from work and reading one piece in a miniskirt and heels just because

i love my wife ngl

Down with cis

I'm gonna be hanging out with a girl who activates my prey drive this weekend. We both wanna be chaste and wholesome. But still...

Why the fuck is women's clothing so cool.
And why the fuck was I born male, so it isn't the kind of clothing I wear.

i had "lady" like not only are you misgendering me, i feel both old and condescended to too. a triple! why wont people stop. sob.

They weren't lying, this progesterone really do be making me eepy.

Also my hair is like, ridiculously soft suddenly. Like almost overnight, even my girlfriend noticed it. I'm definitely not imagining things and I haven't changed anything in my hair care. Idk where this came from but I'm very happy about it.

okay, after a 2-1 vote in favor of me saying something, i will now be saying it:

::: spoiler spoiler :::

what do you mean there was an american politician called larry eagleburger

i genuinely don't believe you

I love third sexing in anthropology. Progressive win

Woof woof

Pet me pet me pet me pet me pet me pet me pet me pet me pet me pet me

Bark bark

Everyone thinks having a puppy girlfriend is all fun and games, well wait until you have to bath her with a hose in the yard because she won't shower

Day 1 of recovery. Monsplasties suck as much if not more than paniculectomies. My boobs ache like hell. I can’t find my ibuprofen and have to take oxy and I hate taking oxy. Moving is very painful and I hate it.

On the other hand, I feel more at peace with my body than I ever have. I feel like me for the first time ever. I’d gladly deal with this pain for that feeling.

Uhhhhhhhhh I'm going thrifting with a couple of friends in 20 mins and one of those friends offered to help me with my hair and also I finally heard back from the place I was trying to get HRT at and they're calling me later this week to officially get me on the schedule.

It's a good day in gender town

::: spoiler ableist :america-cool: brained relative

Had a lovely celebration of family, but good lord my uncleinlaw was a fucker. First time meeting him, and he came with some ableist transphobic BS and didnt hear shit from other perspectives. Fucker goin on about in america and making r*-slur jokes, goddamn i almost forget what people are like, all my friends are some form of leftist, and like 85% are trans. Anyway just wanted to vent.

::: spoiler spoiler i had ^sex^ with a very cool and beautiful person who made me :::

Euphoria: New outfit items acquired: tights and colored socks.

::: spoiler Dysphoria I have discovered that I have no butt, and that is sad. :::

day one of not doing the mega and i already miss having my notifications ruined...

Feel like I need to stop using this site because I need IRL friends since I'm very lonley, but all the queer groups in my area are full of radlibs and Zionists :( Like its unhealthy to have my main form of social interaction outside of my job be this website, but there is very few people who will click with my interests and queerness

I used to think of myself as some sort of mildly sex repulsed ace but nowadays I feel more like some sort of CisHet relationship repulsed demisexual

I had to cut my anti androgen and now I have a longing for girltwinks and am getting pissed I'm not growing fangs to bite them with >:(

Seeing Cenk Uygur flip his arms like a toddler while arguing about the “issues” of trans rights makes me glad that the online left has moved past TYT.

she zuck my mark till i erberg. this reads like a fucking eco post

Bit idea: dismiss all non-queer media forever

::: spoiler depression Was trying on writing a thing linking me not enjoying smut because I'm asexual, along with only really snjoying it because i long for companionship. it just kinda turned into me being really sad. Got depressed, had a few panics attacks. Gonna try just going to sleep. Also need to get a new psychiatrist because they last few I've had all sucked and I haven't had someone to talk about my problems (and fail to provide solitions) to for months. :::

Once again just woke up and drinking coffee

I LOVE MY TRANS COMRADES

I think I sing as a stim. It really clears the brain out, not much else to focus on when you are. I tend to get riffs or lines stuck in my brain anyway, like the chorus line to Baron Saturday... I'm definitely not any good at it at all, I'm just some nerd plus I never took voice training very seriously, but also my singing is definitely a blessing to these walls and anyone who hears it.

I'm probably "best" at old Who songs and 1970s Golden Earring stuff like that, but I most enjoy trying to do KT Tunstall (even if I could never pull the high notes on Other Side of the World) or 70s era Heart tunes. Maybe this is why I really dig low smoky femme vocals, Idk.

Just belting random things out 24/7, absolutely breaking into song for no reason at the drop of a hat. It's more productive than a picking stim!!! (My throat hurts ow)

Ah who needs girl clothes when you can just listen to shoegaze all day long

Welp, I can no longer get blood tests for my diy my gp doesn't want to do it unless I start the process of trying to get meds the legitimate way, but i'm not willing to suffer through the shitty, extremely transphobic gatekeeper national service to maybe after like 3-4 years get oral or transdermal hrt when it's much more convenient for me to do injection monotherapy and not have to be on an anti-androgen.

Idk what to do, even though it hasn't been hard for me to get my test supressed and stuff I would feel a lot safer if I could just get routine check-ups every few months.

i hate my job

::: spoiler holidays, family, wistful I can't stand spending time with my family. They're hateful miserable people, just awful to be around and reactionary as fuck and during the holidays their bullshit is dialed up to max. When I came out, I decided to cut them off. I didn't want to hear their hateful opinions about me or my transition. I didn't want to give them the chance to hurt me again.

And I'm overall happy with that decision. But now the holidays remind me how small my world really is. I don't want to be around mine but I do wish I had a caring family to spend time with. One that loves and appreciates me for who I am. :::

Pikachu is a dumb rat and Eevee should have been the mascot

put together an IMPECCABLE fit today and am so sad that i can't post it here

okay. with the encouragement of multiple people, i decided to say something:

::: spoiler pee pee wait, fuck! no! :::

::: spoiler spoiler Menstruation is making me suicidal. I hate this. :::

ANTI CISHET AKTION

Used the ladies room for the third time, it’s always so anxiety inducing.

I almost would rather take my chances with whatever could happen in the men’s room than potentially being labeled a creep or a predator.

Going clothes shopping wish me luck everyone

edit: too crowded; no luck

looking in the mirror and seeing a visibly fucked up clocky trans girl, which is fair because i am a visibly fucked up clocky trans girl

playing fun trans femme games like: intentionally changing your pace as you go up or down stairs to make your tits jiggle

I hate this. I like to tweeze out the few dark facial hairs that survived laser, but now they're at the stage where they're visible black dots but not long enough to pull out yet

What's with all these stores offering weak ass 20% discounts? Either make it like 40%+ or don't bother tbh.

I have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I live in a house with 4 other people with NPD, they're my dysfunctional family, and I'm the scapegoat. I need help really bad. I'm finally making arrangements to move away and go no contact. I've been abused my entire life by unfeeling monsters and there's only one thing I can do about it; put asphalt between me and them. I feel like I cracked some sort of code or puzzle, or like actually physically got to the bottom of somewhere or something. Ya girl, anon, needs some therapy.

after going through the record of "times I've got ferally horny", I'm starting to think that it isn't PMS related, I'm just a terminally horny bitch

Anyone know any good spaces or accounts that talk about classical tailoring type shit for transfem people, like sports coats, dorky scarves/ascots, non-denim trousers type shit?

Most of what I find just casually searching is heavily geared towards transmasc people instead, and a lot of transfem fashion tends to lean either very feminine alt or harder butch.

Been trying to lose weight for the past month (lost about 10-15lbs), so didn't expect much boob growth as a result of limited calories, but noticed this morning I have stretch marks above one of them. So I guess they are? Yesterday was a bit of a cheat day, so maybe all the extra calories just went there? Far from the first cheat day during that month though.

My doctor: get your cholesterol under control and then we can raise your dose

Okay but I'm too depressed to have be able to stick with a diet can we just try increasing the estrogen and manage everything from there?

I unilaterally decided to up my dose my just taking more. Only up to the minimum recommended dose for two weeks now I think. I haven't felt better in ages and finding the motivation to eat healthy, get exercise, and socialize, has never been greater. We really need to drill into the medical community how important HRT is and to get up to an effective dose asap. Maybe it's a placebo but it feels real and the effects are real so w/e.

I did a module on social anthro and women's history and it covered similar bits. Best part of uni and it was only a side module.

ok so like... its a bad idea to date someone in the military no matter how cool he seems right... i think i know the answer just wanna check.... bcus we spent the day talking about foucault and fanon and weber and like.. yeah

Me 5 months ago: "Holy shit I have tits"

Me today: "Holy shit I have tits"

A while ago, I had been flirting with a girl for a few months. We finally got to meet up about a year ago. I felt all my attraction drain out of me when she said she 20 years old. I'm so sorry but you're so, so fucking young.

::: spoiler slightly better-formed whining The more I go on the more I am convinced that taking a monthlong sabbatical from life (almost my entire life is queers in the computer) broke something catastrophically in my brain. I am now pretty sure that leaving everyone and everything for longer than like, two days was a huge mistake.

I don't seem to be real normal about it anymore, which might be due to the realisation that talkin' to people is both something I need else my sense of self will melt, (no I don't know why) and a difficult tiring spoon-loss activity. Idk, but it seems like I'm not real capable of thinking about social matters without bursting into tears anymore. What even is wrong with me?

It's possibly true that being on the receiving end of a landleech rentdue notice has ended my ability to relax, which, sucks if true. The chronic pain bs is definitely cutting into my spoon supply. But more broadly it feels like what small scraps of emotional regulation I had just disappeared. My journal entries all look like Nevada paragraphs, and while your Ash will usually sprinkle in Nevada-esque embellishments because the orange book is her entire personality, if she starts writing entire paragraphs of weird dejected overly emotional snarky bullshit, that may be indicative of a problem!

It could be withdrawal from a single 37.5mg tab of tramadol causing this too, which I am having muscle twitches and shit, but Idk if "bawling your eyes out at the slightest provocation" is a tram withdrawal thing, it's been like four days or so. If yes I hate it.

I'm also bad at time management, I am told, which is true because I have some kind of brain issue where I haven't been reading Psycho Nymph Exile enough. Mostly making time for reading takes effort, and also bending my brain around weird things takes effort :3 so it's been a few days and I need to YELL AT MYSELF to read gay slop.

TL;DR my feet hurt I wish I had spoons! :::

Spent all week going pharmacy to pharmacy only to find none of them have oestrogel in stock. "They went thataway"-ass prescription.

I've been off HRT for a week at this point and there's no telling when I'll actually get any.

gock

shenis

Ok I'm going clothes shopping for real this time

Currently very jealous of those who are part of a gestalt consciousness.

i love learning about anthropology, i dont do it enough

::: spoiler weird body image stuff Idk I was staring at myself in the mirror again--I spend so much fucking time looking at my reflection lmao--and there are obvious details that have changed if you look. I put on some weight, my face has thinned out (which was weird to see in my health card photos, but rules) and all that.

But the overall picture is kind of the same as when I was 18, despite that? You can still see my ribs, I still have noodle arms, I haven't needed to buy a cup size up or anything. My proportiins are surprisingly similar.

It's weird, I literally do not know how to feel. All the big exciting changes seem to have happened in like, the first year or two. And yet clearly all the barely-visible little tweaks and whatever made the actual difference, cuz I do not get misgendered anymore, lmao.

Recently I have been feeling like my body's been in stasis for a decade which is a WEIRD WEIRD feeling. Maybe that's why new fluffy hair on my forearms and calves weirded me out so much, because I haven't seen a major change since years ago? Maybe I will get incredibly fucked up when I develop wrinkles, lol :::

americans are so horny for marching bands it's weird

::: spoiler lesbiam boyfriend spilled my soup I cried :::

Do they make shark plushies that are like 6 feet long? Can't find any on aliexpress

::: spoiler cw fetishization of trans people

omfg does anyone remember the old trans cuties threads on /r/cth? noooo

:::

looking at family photos from when I was like 3-4 and I'm just angery in all of them

Estrogen is Bestrogen

watching other people chop vegetables is terrifying ngl

this is really amazing, thank you for sharing!

I like to think of myself as a Math Person, maybe not at the level where I can do meaningful research or whatever, but at least at the level where I can apply what I know to solve everyday problems. But today I ended up spending probably 20 minutes to figure out how much water I should add to 90% rubbing alcohol to turn it into 70% alcohol (it is just basic algebra)

Recreational estrogen usage should be a thing I feel, popping a few with the homies and just vibin. For all I know this prob already a thing but not like I get invited to things

I keep getting almost frustrated at how much transitioning has improved my life because I can't really explain how or why it has in a concrete way. For a while before my egg finally cracked I remember thinking that "okay I might maybe be trans but how on earth would that solve any of my problems?" and honestly I was kind of onto something there. How would becoming a girl solve any of my problems? That doesn't make any fucking sense! And then I transitioned anyway and oh wow I a lot of my problems have gone away! How does that work? I don't know and it feels like it shouldn't but it did!

I pretty dramatically put my fists on my hips earlier today and oh wow they actually kind of hurt? holy shit are they doing what I think they are?

Truth or Myth?: Estrogen HRT results in a lowered sex drive

::: spoiler Answer:

MYTHMYTHMYTHMYTHMYTHMYTHMYTHMYTHMYTHMYTHMYTHMYTHMYTHMYTHMYTHMYTHMYTHMYTHMYTHMYTHMYTHMYTHMYTHMYTHMYTHMYTHMYTHMYTHMYTHMYTHMYTHMYTHMYTHMYTHMYTHMYTHMYTHMYTHMYTHMYTHMYTHMYTHMYTHMYTHMYTHMYTH

:::

whats the gender neutral form of the word dude?

duden?

Hmmmmmm I'm soooo eepysleepy today~ (I was kept up till 7am by chronic pain but still woke up before noon)

I never should have agreed to 5 12 hour days in a row. What the fuck was I thinking. I guess I was thinking about the paycheque

Wait days to get a call back about sperm banking in case I want to have kids in the future.

Get called back in the middle of the work day

Person on the phone who's supposed to be "courteous and confidential" asks me questions I can't answer without announcing to the office I'm getting my jizz froze and takes ages to switch over to yes/no

Get told they don't take insurance for this (no mention of that on the website)

I hate this shit. I hope my therapist can help me w/ resources. For anything medical I usually rely on my mom for help but that's a no go here as she doesn't even know I'm on HRT

::: spoiler LIFTING UPDATE So I am STILL not lifting yet, it's been like a month. I stopped taking tramadol and like I wanna get back, but Idk if it will make it better. What if without the pain receptors being numbed, it'll just hurt and be excruciating and I die? What if I rot instead???

I like that my chronic pain/fatigue is maybe stopping me from doing the thing that could make my chronic pain/fatigue less bad.

I am never going to be the beautiful muscledyke........ tfw not athletic........ :::

In other news I have the most creeping feeling that Fallow isn't a one-run game and that stuff changes, more than just the sealed door, if you play it again. I'll have to go back and puzzle over it. Give it more kisses, my beloved.

::: spoiler erotica human domestication guide wasn't very good imo. i guess not being a submissive means i'm not the target market but still :::

::: spoiler my Stuff I Just Think Is Neat windowsill update

How about those pinecones?

They're pretty big!

:::

thanxgiving food is so much more enjoyable when you're reheating it as leftovers instead of trying to enjoy it after spending hours cooking lol

can i please say something

a fanfic I just started following dropped 5 chapters coming in to 6500 words, all of them in the last six hours, fuck i wish i had that level of energy in anything anymore tbh

I fucking love my trans comrades so much

Last week I started eating healthier and working out. I'm not comfortable with going to a gym, so I'm doing indoor cycling instead. So far it's going great, and I'm noticing that I feel better mentally after doing my workout

Me and who

Had a nightmare that girltwinks stopped existing. During it someone told me I was a girltwink and I got scared, only to look in the mirror and start to see myself dissolve away into dust.

Edie has had there social position, personal integrity, leftist credentials, and gender credentials savaged.

Jokes on you. You can never savage the gender credentials of the pronoun cat

A steam friend I played cs with a couple of times randomly gifted me webfishing a couple days ago and I'm so grateful. Being in queer spaces that are also small enough for me to not be too wrecked with social anxiety to participate in them is great and I already am making good friends and that's somehing I really needed. Just yesterday that same friend told me she's just started HRT and we hadn't talked about our gender and I came out to them as well but I think they already had the vibe considering trans people generally clocked me very easy before I even knew myself lol

I lifted am on drugs today so tbh why not. Long may it continue...

::: spoiler cw yankee electoralism i got the most pathetic liberal comment on youtube after i said the blue team are just doing blue fascism and it's beyond pathetic how libs start waking up now again when the red team starts doing red fascism (it's the same fascism)

" you realize the “blue team” is not for that? You do realize that right??? And this song was during when “the red team” was in power still. "

each question mark just fills me with more joy this was under a RATM song because it's topical to fight against the machine again for the next four years

the song was released while Clinton was in office too! like goddamn :::

instead of working i have successfully absorbed 3 days of missed megathread posting into my cranium

::: spoiler sappy i parasocially love you all :::

::: spoiler life is weird Meds have been helping... But still have all the (lack of) executive capacity, and seriously feeling the avoidant side of myself, getting very anxious about bringing people further into my life. Ive been so social lately, i feel like i may be overdoing it, and im trying to deal with that without overcorrecting and cutting all my friends and new aquaintances out of my life for the next 3 months

technically a good problem to have but I'm kinda at an annoying stage with laser. i can't quite justify shaving once a day, the growth just isn't there and I know it's bad for my skin. so like a day and a half is optimal but i still want to shave as soon as i can feel those teeny hairs even if they're literally not visible. and the day and a half schedule is inconvenient if I have to do stuff so I just end up over-shaving because i know it's gonna be an issue by the second evening, you know? once I get a few more sessions and I can comfortably wait 2 days between shaves it'll be fine, just an annoying in-between that's no good for my skin.

Miaut voran mit festem Schritt

Arbeitercatgirls, kommt ihr mit?

Wir sind die queere Garde des Proletariats

Wir sind die queere Garde des Proletariats

Watched Moana with family for the first time yesterday. I long associated the 'How Far I'll Go Song' with trans experience (not necessarily that it was specifically intended to be interpreted that way), well before realizing I was an egg. I'm sure others self-insert in other ways, just like with Frozen's Let It Go. And plenty of people just think of them as being cute movies without thinking of anything being a metaphor.

Either way, was kinda funny watching a movie I personally associated with trans with the family on Thanksgiving. I should ask my brother why he picked that one out for us to watch.

I'm disappointed that I started so strong on my vn project but now progress has slowed to a crawl. I feel like self-doubt has set in and I can no longer judge if I'm doing something interesting that people would want to engage with. I'm also fighting myself, or more like trying really hard to reign in the excited inner child that's like "add this! and this! and wouldn't it be cool if this!!" so I can maintain a manageable scope and actually release something one day. Ideas come easy. Execution, not so much.

I don't know if this counts as news, since there's no ruling yet, but this case is probably worth paying attention to, especially for our UK comrades. cw for transphobia.

just shaved the side of my own head that was scary

Since I have to wait on the estrogen to arrive again I was thinking of already taking the bicalutamide I have.

::: spoiler dysphoria, social anxiety Have a (free, yay. well, included in membership cost) consultation with a personal trainer/physical therapist guy at my gym coming up to help me design a better routine and diet and stuff

I talked to him yesterday but I'm not out at the gym and idk if I wanna out myself but I don't want to make things awkward there since it's like, the only "third place" I have rn

I dunno if telling him "yeah I really don't want bulky arms and shoulders and I'm trying to grow my hips and ass" would give him the hint or that'd be weird and don't really know how I'm gonna navigate that conversation

I guess I can come up with a plausible alibi about training for hiking and that I have a job offer to work for the forestry department so I'm wanting to work on my legs a lot for steep hill hiking for that?

The staff there all seem cool and it's a pretty inclusive gym (seen multiple other queer ppl there) but for some reason it's way less nerve-wracking thinking about just vaguely coming out to someone as just broadly queer than saying "uh, I have The Gender™ actually"

I dunno

I feel like I'm more nervous about it than I should be but that's like always the case for me (GAD)

I'm doing a lot better overall the last month or so than my usual though? Idk, any thoughts? Thank you nice internet ppl :::

I'm in overanalyzing mode again

I hope all the USians here are able to get through the holidays with minimal family induced harm.

Scientists studying entropy could learn a lot by analyzing my hair rn

@ashinadash@hexbear.net

sang St. Vincent to myself in the gym shower after leg day

had a lil' moment getting dressed while achy and exhausted at the lyric "I'm so glad I came but I can't wait to leave" on Dancing With A Ghost

::: spoiler blog, social anxiety, fitness/weightloss/gymrat shit, crushposting Had a busy day yesterday, finally took care of a financial thing I've been putting off for ages and it was a stressful commute but I'm glad to have finally gotten it done

Had my consultation with a personal trainer and a body composition scan, in better shape than I was expecting based on how I've only really been taking better care of myself for a couple weeks and had been pretty sedentary for a long time prior to that

Was really nervous about it but the trainer was pretty nice and accommodating to my nervousness and has good interpersonal skills and we had more in common talking about dealing with different injuries and our athletic backgrounds growing up than I was expecting and it went pretty well despite me being a little late to the meeting and being a little exasperated from doing shit and rushing to get ready for it by the time I got there

Saw crush, starting to think the interactions we had that I weren't sure if they were flirty or not weren't and they're just a friendly person, seemed less like that running into them yesterday and I don't think there's anything there which kinda made me sad, but I think it's better than having a false expectation and getting my hopes up to get hurt later

Who knows, maybe they were just having a bad day and weren't in a good mood to chat yesterday and there might still be potential there but I'm not gonna put too much hope in it and set myself up to be disappointed, but I do like seeing them

Idk they're really cute and sweet and I'm gay and lonely and weird

:::

::: spoiler nicotine, drugs, eating Gym closed for Thanksgiving I think

Don't really know what to do with myself since I don't have work and have nothing really going on

Feeling bad about smoking again and trying not to overeat and squander some of my gym progress

Shroomin' a little bit

Might do a little spa day at home for myself but I don't wanna have a dysphoria spiral idk

Hope everyone has a lovely gay ass Thanksgiving

🦃🥧🌽🫘🥔🍂

The kitties said you're all lovely and hope you eat a yummy lil feast for yourself

:::

Had a dream that I decided to get a surgery (I don't think the dream ever said what it was, but I'm sure we could guess), but sometime after starting the process I still haven't really heard anything and then they reached out and questioned if I was really committed because I hadn't done things like schedule a flight for an appointment I was never told of. Tbf, I was very much under-prepared in a lot of other ways, but those were not even the things I was being grilled on.

I can't sleep so I have come to ramble

::: spoiler aromantic ramblings The gush posts that happen in these threads get me thinking about my aromanticism or potential lack thereof again. I kind of low key hate never understanding this part of myself.

A while ago I thought I'd cracked the code with "you know what I think I just don't like the idea of dating as a guy," but then I slipped back into "no I'm definitely just aro."

I keep reading about the aromantic experience and relating heavily. Like for example, I couldn't even begin to tell you where the line is between platonic and romantic love. This is certainly muddied by the fact that I just simply do not have a sex drive at all, and thus sexual interest has never been a part of the equation for me.

But I often find myself wondering if I've actually never been flirted with, or if I'm just too aromantic to have ever picked up on it. And my thing is why do I care so much? Why do I keep asking myself that question? Honestly I think the answer is I want to be flirted with. I think it comes down to not feeling lovable and craving external validation to the contrary. But what's confusing is I don't want it to stop at flirting. I want to be continuously loved by someone and I want to love them back. I just don't know what that looks like, but it sounds like being into someone.

Reading the gush posts, I relate to them. I know I've felt those ways before about people. I think I'd describe all of my close friends in a similar way. I'd describe my sister that way. I love my sister so god damn much and would do anything for her, but obviously I'm not interested in dating her. I'm capable of love I just don't know what the fuck that looks like in a romantic context.

Maybe it's priority that I crave. Maybe I just want to be someone's priority and for them to be a priority of mine. I don't really care if they also have that kind of thing with someone else, so maybe I'm also poly?

Or maybe it really is just the simplest solution and I'm just aroace and I will never understand romantic attraction and all of my relationships will always and forever be platonic.

Idk. I'm not sure if I'm making much sense but this was mostly a journaling exercise anyway. Hopefully sleeping will come easier now that I've put some of this to words. :::

Is getting an X gender marker on a passport a bad idea? Trying to get my documents sorted before the hammer comes down after putting them off because I'm lazy, but this one is giving me pause. From a quick search, it seems like I'd be kinda fucked if I were ever on a flight that gets redirected somewhere for whatever reason where they don't recognize an X gender marker. As in, it would be extremely difficult to get out because my passport would never match any ticket I could buy there or anything because they wouldn't have an X or enby option. Also seems like it means that a huge portion of the world would not be safe to travel to because of it.

::: spoiler Masturbation One mildly annoying thing is that after masturbaiting now that I'm on E, my clit will still be some level of sensitive for like 30-45 minutes, where if I walk or move around, I can feel my clit rub against my panties and its kinds itchy. :::

been going to a lot more concerts/shows since transitioning, turns out dressing up and going out can actually be fun lol

partner found a really cool artist. i've been listening to them and it turns out they're anti-cop, anti-monarchy, sang at a pro-palestine protest AND has a show in my city this Friday??

we bought some tickets and i really want to try to make some friends this time but idfk how

Most things are going well in life minus health and my jobs are working me half to death. I didn't even know it was legal to be working 12hr days in retail, I'm so used to being scheduled like 6hrs daily at best. The pay isn't even there to justify this and there are no benefits. Tomorrow is going to be another fun 12hr day.

I found out my cats are afraid of googly eyes which I've used to protect my knockoff aliexpress 2.99 'roombas' from my cats swatting the bots off course or dragging them into places like the kitchen or litter box, so I made a biblically accurate angel themed Xmas tree, haven't had a tree since I was a small child, this was just a DT 5 dollar special with some glued on googley eyes and pipecleaner buddies on it. Eyes on everything, lol. They won't tip over this tree.

And health is an obvious CW warning for everything;

::: spoiler spoiler Body's war against other parts of itself continues. Had a uterine biopsy done the other day, one its painful AF, easy contender for top 10 most physically painful experiences so I have no idea why they don't drug you for them, two the fact I had to get a biopsy makes me nervous if I require a procedure the soonest it will be done will correspond to my yearly medical cut. Also, if I need a procedure of any kind I'll be let go from my main retail gig since I can't miss days or weeks like that, I worked yesterday a day after my biopsy and I left wanting to cry. I shouldn't have done that, but the way the doc made it sound like it was a mild procedure and I would have been fine yesterday to work, while in reality I was writhing around in pain unable to do anything notable.

At least I'll still have my online gig and my flipping laptops side gig that I hope will cover basic utilities and rent though I'll be hosed for medicines on the impending cut. :::

Did some cleaning

::: spoiler Lol guess what everybody Found my old scene kid socks and they still fit

They have a hole in the ankle from trying to learn impossibles when I was a skate kid but they're kinda fun

Sliding around the kitchen playing cat hockey and pretending they're ice skates this morning

Goggles is in the running for the James Norris Memorial Trophy, he's been playing some amazing defense tbh 🏒🏆

:::

i have made 300 mince pies a week for the last eight weeks and i'm still not done i hate these things

Person was talking to me and my friend and asked what both of our pronouns were, when they have known the person next to me is a cis guy that uses he him. Instead of asking me directly what my pronouns were the cowardly asked "everyone" to try and perform being nice.

::: spoiler Who wants to see my tatas? :::

hello

life is pretty good today, ya know?

Any recs for black Friday sales? I saw that Torrid was 50% off, so I ordered some boots.

hmm. thinking of asking permission for something

I had a dream that I started using fae/faer pronouns because they made sense and that RGG was remaking Yakuza Dead Souls kiwami style. I still need to do some searching on the neopronouns to understand them fully but I know the latter is gonna happen

i feel like the government can incentivise a switch to electric cars as much as they like, it doesn't change the fact that they're like £30k minimum

i decided to innovate

can i please say something

gemder

semi serious question: if i take like a fistful of prog will i become turbo horny or what

Does anyone have any advice for finding doctors who are not transphobic? I'm asking for a friend with a rare autoimmune condition. She is based in MA, USA. She waited 3 months to see a doctor and cannot return to them because they are transphobic.

Ah who needs girl clothes when you can just listen to shoenice all day long

i am going to s*mp for that one tired looking girl from mouthwashing

I took my first bicalutamide. You're supposed to just swallow it, right?

Are audio cassettes making a comeback? I've bought two new albums recently that had the option of getting them on cassette.

lost my phone so i asked my dad to call it

look over his shoulder and he still has my contact info under my dead name

this is the man who, when i was trying to explain to him why getting deadnamed hurts and why he shouldn't do it, compared to it "the n word"

they were so confused when they learned how far my transition had gotten before i told them

Remember girls: A voice training a day keeps the "sir"s away

love is blind sucks

::: spoiler immaturity smegma is such a funny word. like smeg as a syllable is already top tier but the ma elevates it :::

::: spoiler i whine about work if i have to do another presentation for a huge group of people next week i am going to scream, it is so exhausting, i'm an hour into work and i feel like i need to sleep, AND i spent all day yesterday preparing for it too... i miss doing my "real job" :::

edit: also, i guess i'm channeling "Tim Allen's Neighbour" vibes today as I rearranged my desk and my webcam is behind my monitor, so only my eyes and up are visible when I turn it on, lmao.

We have this family in for one of their kids. The other kids visit daily. They have one little girl who is both cute and creepy in the way only little girls can be. She comes riiiight up to me and just stands and stares at me, like just 10 cm in front of me and stares. Says nothing. Just smiles. Adorable

Anti-recommendation for shoes sold by Aphixta on aliexpress. They're very poorly made all over but most importantly the heels are wobbly and seem likely to break easily.

Spent the afternoon in the city, driving around and shopping. Had to go to two Hot Topics to get that choker I really wanted, but excited to have it! Otherwise, picked up some jewelry at some thrift stores.

sasuke uchiha estrogen arc

fuck, boston lost

good job toronto i guess

another Masseduction kick moment @ashinadash@hexbear.net

Sped through a yellow light to the jaunty Mario Kart ass bridge at 2:45 on Sugarboy

King Gizzard & Lizard Wizard is actually kinda good

sneezes

Chat come up with a Digidestined and Digimon that would have the trans symbol from the thumbnail.

Is it Gender of me to shit out my asshole like I've swallowed a nuclear bomb because that's what I be doing

::: spoiler blog, shrooms, mental health, nicotine, alcohol cessation Did a little shrooms yesterday and touched a lotta grass walking around listening to music

Been really stressed and relapsed on cigs (that's bad)

Been getting a ton of exercise and am making a lot of fitness progress (that's good)

Not sleeping well and know I'm wearing myself out and burning out and I'm probably heading towards a nagging injury or something at this pace (that's bad)

Started taking a new pre-workout stack and creatine and I think it's helping (the pre-workout contains potassium benzoate)

(... that's bad)

~I~ ~don't~ ~think~ ~it~ ~actually~ ~does~ ~I~ ~just~ ~wanted~ ~to~ ~do~ ~the~ ~cursed~ ~frogurt~ ~bit~

Think I'm hypomanic, been super restless and irritable and need to be active or I get all pissy and fidgety

Walked like 15 miles yesterday and went to the gym twice, probably the first time in my life I spent Thanksgiving with a caloric deficit

Idk, I'm working my ass off trying to improve myself and it doesn't feel like enough or mentally I just can't be content with anything

I almost lapsed and bought booze and it was just the embarrassment of asking a store employee to unlock it that kept me from doing it

Felt really humiliated and shitty about it and got home and kinda broke down crying trying to go to bed just feeling extremely lonely and like all the effort I make improving myself is futile and I'm just stuck by life circumstances and I'm gonna be alone forever and best that's achievable for me is gonna be swole crazy cat pseudo-lady

I just want somebody to hold me sometimes so bad but I feel like I'm not in a place yet to even consider a real relationship with anyone realistically and feel so inadequate in my social skills and it just fucking hurts sometimes

Idk sorry for being a fucking downer, I have some kinda positive stuff too but I feel burned out on articulating anything about myself rn

Thank you nice internet ppl for putting up with me

:::

So, I am thinking of putting together a natural fantasy trans-forward hexbear TRPG game campaign. Wanted to post the idea here first before making a post in c/TRPG.

• A half-century ago, an isolated verdant valley system was settled by refugees, escaped serfs and political dissidents who fled a crumbling brutal empire. For decades, these refugees built thriving and peaceful communities on the principle of mutual aid. However, disaster has struck the valley, with a series of terrible floods and landslides devastating the villages and threatening survival. Once immaterial divisions and harmless rivalries have come to the forefront as the communities are suddenly faced with intense scarcity. The disaster has brought other changes as well. Passes have been created through through the mostly-impenetrable mountains, and old magicks in the valley’s edges and recesses have been stirred. What was once a place of respite is now faced with great pressures and dangers.
• Rather than being warriors, scoundrels or sorcerers, the player characters are ordinary (if talented) young people now thrust into roles of importance following the natural disasters. It will be your job to face these rising challenges, to rebuild your communities in both material and social aspects, to address the rise of magick, and to venture out into the unknown world.
• The campaign would focus on collaborative world-building, problem-solving and character development. Violence would be a (hopefully) rare but, deadly when it occurs.
• For a game system, I was thinking of adapting Luke Gearing’s Wolves Upon the Coast (https://lukegearing.blot.im/wolves-upon-the-coast). It’s a classless system without mental stats, leaving ingenuity and problem-solving to the players. Advancement is accomplished through the declaration & fulfillment of promises. Anyone can do magic if you can discover the procedure and collect the ingredients. In addition to the Wolves Upon the Coast magic, I want to lean on books like The Herbalist Primer and The Geologist Primer.
• For format, I am leaning towards a “synchronous text” format where we schedule game times and play the game over text chat. This is mainly due to security/anonymity concerns that I have with most voice chat platforms. In addition to synchronous sessions, there’d be opportunities to asynchronous updates between sessions.
• If I can get enough interest, then the campaign would probably begin in January.

I think that re-dyeing my leather jacket went well. I will probably give it a few touch-ups this weekend, but the color looks pretty consistent. It was already dark brown, but now it's basically black, so it'll match the rest of my show outfit better.

I also found a choker on Hot Topic that would match, but they don't have expedited shipping so it won't arrive in time, so I'm probably going to drive an hour to the city to check the several locations there tomorrow. Just hope it isn't sold out for black friday.

cuppa pee

My struggle to completely conceal my beard shadow continues (just need to keep experimenting with color corrector), but I have found a nice lip gloss that adds just the right amount of shine to not necessarily draw the eye to the mouth, but to draw the eye from the beard shadow to the lips.

the biggest tragedy of the war in ukraine is that the heart of russia dlc never got released for ets 2

thoughts on Jeff buckley

I got three hours of sleep last night and emotions are hitting harder, if I don't get sleep I'm going to end up breaking down and I really don't want that.

Also I had a dream where my bangs finally got cut, I need to fix my hair so badly it looks awful.

Hey… has anyone else in here ever watched Emmit Otters Jugband Christmas

i have the bad hasbara theme stuck in my head ahh

It's Monday! What have you been listening to for the past week? I'm shoegazemaxxing

(You can generate a collage here)

Thoughts from posting on tracha as usual are- we should have a watch party sometime on the hextube traa. Anyone got ideas/times/want to figure stuff out? Anyways figured should toss the idea here so it sticks around

buster baxter transgender conspiracy

avoid the communoid

Is the Average American in bad enough shape to create a new species classification? Like homo erectus vs homo sapien vs homo sapien sapien?

tony khan shall pay for putting my big wet geordie boy pac in that terrible death riders stable

How quickly do you lose strength on HRT?

latest update: my medical insurance gets finally somewhat decent after jan thanks to finally having enough in my medical saving account to cover my deductible entirely.

obviously this is absolutely cursed the more you think about it but death to america, etc. so i'll be able to do some checkups, take care of some skin stuff, and make sure my body can handle what's about to go down. found out my employer fully covers HRT and other stuff but i really don't want to get them involved. still gonna DIY but need a clean bill of health beforehand.

meanwhile the E vial is safe in a vacuum sealed container, in the dark and refrigerated. still going to just start with weekly IM microdoses and ramp up slowly while ordering my own tests.

would really suck if E gets scheduled during trump admin

also will continue to use all my willpower to tell my hairline to hold out a bit longer