anyone else wanna mod

hi, does anyone wanna make the mega in the upcoming weeks? if so, reply to this post and i'll add you to the list!

the list as it stands:

Hestia (11/25 - 12/1)
SwitchyWitchyandBitchy (12/2 - 12/8)
HelltakerHomosexual* (12/9 - 12/15)
GayTuckerCarlson* (12/16 - 12/22)
AshenWolf*  (12/23 - 12/29)
Eco* (12/30 - 1/5)
oscardejarjayes* (1/6 (The Darkest Day in Our Democracy.) - 1/12)

EstraDoll (3/2 - 3/8)

​ * after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters

Turkey just banned the sale of most estrogens and blockers without prescription

I found a 114 year old case for t4t in a translated copy of Die Transvestiten, translated by Michael Lombardi-Nash. From a so-called 'John O.' from San Francisco, labeled Case 13, who describes herself as "...physically a man, mentally a woman",

::: spoiler Technically misgendering, though it is the language of the time

"If ever there is a total freedom of dress, then the effeminate people will connect with female society, just as the man-women will befriend the so-called stronger sex. When there is no longer a dress code, the woman-man will grow into the feminine and be attracted by the man-woman, because by nature both feel right for each other, he as a woman and she as a man, and they will live as happily together as any normal married couple of today.
[...]
"But if two get married, one of whom is a woman-man and one a man-woman, then he is the feminine and she is the masculine part, and they will be happy; for, no matter what the sex is, emotionally they still are, indeed, opposite sexes, just as nature made them." :::

Same person also makes a case for letting trans kids self identify and transition (socially, as medical transition was yet to come),

::: spoiler Descriptions of transphobia, and technically misgendering

"I am convinced that when a boy becomes 8 or 10 years of age and shows preference for girls' clothing, girls' work, and girls' games, then the mother, for the benefit of the child, should let him have free choice. The boy is, then, namely, only sexually a male, but mentally a female, and when such children are raise according to their feelings, then they are so much happier than when people punish them, mock them, or even abuse them to produce boyishness.
"But, if he is raised as a girl, then he will lose all doubt and wil become more stable in his girlishness, so that he then never will ever want to become a man; if he is forced to behave as a boy, then he will feel destroyed and will yearn for the time when he can make a living as a maid or something like that.
[...]
"I will agree that up to the fifth year, perhaps, many children can still be raised in their sex, but then mostly not, and if the girlish characteristics appear much stronger than the boyish ones, then it is much better for the child to be raise according to its mental sex." :::

Again, this was published 114 years ago, in 1910.

diagnosed with the world's biggest sad and lonely right now

EDIT: i posted this and got evicted like 30 minutes later LMAO

Finally sharing about that experience I had at work yesterday, ::: spoiler CW: Nuclear transphobia, dysphoria (dysphoria isn't the main focus, but this situation has made dysphoria manifest)

So I got asked to stop using the women's restroom at work yesterday. This is already transphobic, but with where I live I was expecting this honestly. I'm also not very far in my transition so wearing typical work clothes just makes me look like a dude with long hair. Really getting depressed by those twink death memes I've seen rn because I was so much cuter when I came out.

Anyways, the point where it goes from uncomfortable but bearable to pissing me off to the absolute extreme is when the manager said "We have minors that work here so we have certain liabilities". I straight up responded saying "You just implied that I'm a threat around minors and I don't appreciate that". Instantly backpedaled and gave all the normal lib platitudes. I'm still fucking pissed, because why else mention the minors in that conversation? Unless you think I'm unsafe around minors, you wouldn't mention minors. I don't even work with the minors of the restaurant, they're all in school while I work the mornings on mostly weekdays.

I also know that certain staff don't like me now based off this, because it was some staff complaining. I'm gonna start being the person I want to be at work, and I'll just fucking deal with it. I'm going to lose my shit at these people next time they're blocking my station doing jack shit because I know it was them. They won't even look at me. I was super nice this whole time, but I'm done being nice to people that secretly hate me all while depending on my labor. :::

Just took me first hormone dose

applied for a cleaning job at my local council's office and the form asked for me to fill out my entire employment history, give a personal statement and two references lmfao

fuck off it's a fucking cleaning job who's gonna bother with this form for a 15 hour a week job

okay, i have decided to say something:

::: spoiler bragging about feelings i guess i have been so happy these past few weeks. i'm back in letter writing mode and it's because of one very special person. it is genuinely so fulfilling to have something like a mind-meld with someone who sees me so clearly and respects me so deeply. i didn't expect this at all and i feel so so lucky to have it. lol i'm pretty sure fae is going to read this at some point actually... it makes me happy to imagine that. 💜🌹 :::

Been a bit lonely since I left my husband a while ago. It unfortunately had to happen. Hoping to find someone someday to fill that hole. Literally and figuratively.

Wow, I had to just deal with some wildly transphobic shit at work and even worse it made me miss my public transit ride. I am so fucking done with today

Can anyone lend me their credit card number, name, exp date and CVV? There's a neat trick I wanna try

I'm a dog girl woof woof

wake up

drive 2 hours round trip to build an axe with another trans woman

drive home feeling dysphoric as all fuck

get home with a bottle of liquor

landlord pulls you aside with a fucking eviction notice out of the blue and a flimsy pretext for it

hop on the voice chat with the gamers

you can hear your voice played back to you over someone else's mic, it's noticably improved despite not training, it feels really reaffirming

get piss drunk, then angry about your alcoholism, then get possessed by the spirit of a 19th century abolitionist and go off on a drunken screed against the evils of alcohol

black out, wake up the next morning

day in the life of a hot girl doing hot girl shit

Instead of dreaming about hexbear the website, I now dream about specific people on bearsite. You're not allowed to know who, though.

I know only dweebs and losers use Goodreads now, but I was bitching to my better half about how Goodreads doesn't have seperate gender and pronoun settings.

So I went and checked myself, and sure enough Goodreads now has this. Its gender settings are "male", "female" and "Custom".

I now have a custom gender I didn't set any cool pronouns but I did enter my gender as something rude with "dyke" in it, which rules.

I finally ordered some trans socks and bralettes! I'm a v excited girl. Thinking above getting a skirt for a cute schoolgirl type outfit but idk. I've been feeling much more fem latelyz especially when looking in the mirror. It's nice to feel good.

HRT consult is this afternoon!

i was talking with my voice therapist today and he was talking about one client he had who, on the day she finally realized she was a trans girl, scheduled an HRT appointment, laser hair removal appointment, AND a professional voice therapist.

I know nothing else about this girl but I absolutely love her and she's fucking great

HRT is amazing! I used to never wear anything short sleeved or thin because I was too dysphoric! Now I never wear anything short sleeved or thin because estrogen makes everything too fucking cold

::: spoiler kinda sad Just had to cry for a while about the realisation that I’ve been living a lie trying to be a girl/woman and how exhausting and just sad that is. And also how sad it is that there’s a non trivial amount of people that would want me to continue living this lie. :::

still alive

time really is moving a lot slower now that I'm actually enjoying life. I was talking with some friends about I Saw The TV Glow and just remembered that it was released this year and not last year even though it feels like it might as well have came out two years ago from all I remember

God, at the start of this year I really did think that I was a cis guy, didn't I?

fuck, how time changes...

::: spoiler CW: Liberal cowardice, reddit. Looks like the main trans is locking or removing any criticism of Sarah McBride. Fuckers. :::

weird thing to harp on about but I really want to see more fictional depictions of trans people that show them not really passing. Like, I kind of want to see a video game featuring a trans woman with kind of a clockable face and not well trained voice (And, I shouldn't have to state: isn't treated as a punchline or abnormal for it). Give me more blunt, realistic depictions of trans people, dammit

::: spoiler dysphoria I just want to feel like a girl. I bought a really cute hat and gloves and wore them with a sweater I got a few weeks ago and I felt adorable and I loved it. But it's almost like the more comfortable I get with doing more and more fem things the more impatient I get, and the sadder I get that this is such a long process. And when I take the stuff off I get hit with this "oh shit yeah that's right I have a guy body." I don't want to have a guy body.

The days where I feel so happy to be trans are usually followed by evenings where I wish I was cis. Like a sugar crash but for gender feelings.

In related news I've realized I could never turn my back on being trans. At the beginning of this journey one of the only things giving me the confidence to keep going was the realization that I could always just not be trans if I found it wasn't for me. Fuuuuck that at this point it's clear that if I ever try to be cis again it would destroy me. :::

::: spoiler unrestrained bragging sometimes when I'm feeling like someone matters to me I copy down the nice things they say into a document so if I'm ever worrying about whether they suddenly hate me or not I can reference that document to remind myself

this is turning into a bit of a problem because one of them is getting really long... or maybe this is actually not a problem and is in fact the best thing ever? no, no, it's the best thing ever :::

getting ads for PREP and then getting sad because i have no romantic or sexual partners ever

::: spoiler weird dream nsfw CW SA Dreamt I dude groped me by grabbing my boob, I flexed my pec so hard I nearly broke his hand. I've no clue what this means other than I'm powerful :::

Just thinking about the time I was first making my lemmygrad account and they asked me what my thoughts were on trans people or something, and probably what they were wanting is some 1-2 sentence "yeah trans people are cool and based" but I couldn't stop myself from hitting them with a several paragraph long rant about how in my ideal world gender wouldn't exist because it's kind of a prison, and that trans people are not only hella awesome, but understanding their lived experiences and perspectives on gender is something everyone should strive for.

Who could have known I would eventually be sitting here with a cute lil [she/her] sitting next to my username?

i'm so fucking tired of being single but i have no idea how to manage the dreaded dating apps as a trans girl. anyone got any good apps/online dating tips for a bi trans girl unsure about what gender she feels like dating more?

I intentionally skipped out so I’m only finding out now but they had a Harry Potter themed event at work yesterday

::: spoiler transphobia News media in my country since trump won has been so bad. Apparently he won because it's so difficult to be a "normal" guy nowadays and no one listens to them (lmao) and everyone is tired of woke. So many libs having a mask off moment where they're going actually everyone dislikes trans people and if we continue to pretend to be nice to you it'll cost us the election.

This isn't really reflected in the attitudes of people I meet, which makes me think it's mostly a media thing appealing to old, middle-class boomers, but it still makes me want to go into perma stealth. :::

log into pharmacy web portal

about to schedule a vaccination

computer asks for my sex assigned at birth

ask it whether it really needs that or if it's social hegemony of meanings

it doesn't understand

explain the difference between real mechanisms and false associations

it pulls up a pop-up and says it's relevant

read the pop-up

it's societal hegemony of meanings imposing false associations even when mechanism is well known

My gf is so warm

My gf is so warm

the one voice therapist in my area that takes my insurance got back to me

they can get me in for a first appointment tomorrow

I was curious about the major themes I yap about in my sessions and was shocked to find "longing for a connection" be one of em. The other ones made sense to me. But longing for a connection... I thought I was coming across as independent and aloof and maybe more avoidant, this feels so weird. I talked to my mom about it, she said "no that makes sense." Talk to my friends about it, "no it tracks." Well what the hell?!? Here I am trying to push this down and not even aware of it, thinking I'm building up this protective armor but meanwhile I'm coming across as some squishy wounded person with the emotional equivalent of an open sore???

oops spilled the gay juice you're all gay now

I did a lot of voice training for many years to get to where I am now, where people tell me even my lowest-effort cadence still passes to the average ear, but even after all of that I find myself never using it in good company anyway. It is exhausting and frankly uncomfortable for me to maintain for long stretches of constant speaking; we're talking a whole day would give me a hoarse throat for most of the next day. I appreciate being able to do it as both a fun novelty in the company of some and also as a practical matter of safety in the company of others... but I have nothing but respect for people who just say "fuck this" and don't bother. Massive, massive respect.

Skirt go spinny.

there's a distressing amount of people under Rage Against Machine songs on Youtube going "Well time to play this song again for the next four years."

like....just fuck off from life please

Had my first gender appointment (hrt requires a LOT of gender appointments in my gatekeeper central of a country) and it made me realise: I am SO trans and SO gay. I was scared that I had to lie to be more convincing to get the juice faster but I didn’t even have to lie because, I repeat, I am SO trans and SO gay

hair's finally growing decently long. i can fit it about an inch of it in my mouth now, and I'm a little conflicted because on the one hand, long ass hair is something I've always wanted to try and grow and will likely get me gendered correctly more, on the other hand, damn, i look really fucking cute in short hair...

transgender

People are decrying the loss of nightclubs and bars. They're blaming it on $18 cocktails and $12 beers and young people not having the money for that - and that's right. But also the club and the bar always sucked? You were just in your early 20s and dealt with how bad it sucked because you were horny, plus think of how many of people going out also had to roll on molly or bring coke never mind the drinking (i guess we won the war on drugs too). No one would reinvent a nightclub if it was forgotten tech

I never found any joy in my identity before I realized I'm agender. Now I know and being agender is something very cool and it makes me smile

Been waiting all day for a fitgirl repack to finish downloading, and it won’t install

me when there are strange men in my home (i hired them to be there)

voice coach is asking me to come up with some more specific and concrete voice training goals and the only voice goals I can think of are the most ridiculous and over the top fictional character voices

::: spoiler spoiler okay maybe with most of the innuendo and extremely flirty inflection dropped but can a girl not want to sound like Mad Moxxi? :::

reading yuri to inject some joy into my veins

too many royals, going back to dooming

I somewhat feel comfortable posting in here again. Maybe. We'll give it a small trial.

My top surgery is in 4 days. I'm hoping it doesn't look awkward. No lift, which is something I absolutely need, but the implants will likely be big enough to mitigate that issue. idk, we will see. Will be down for a while from it since I'm getting bottom revision as well.

::: spoiler CW: Family, transphobia Well, my (transphobe) sister got in a car accident today. She's okay. It was a low velocity collision and she was rear-ended. She was able to get home okay. I took her out for dinner after she was done talking to insurance.

It sucks, because she complemented my skin/face, and even offered to do a "curly girl" hairstyle for me. I'm not out to anyone in the family, and it kinda hurts as I think she would 180 on all that if I came out.

Since she's a bit rattled, she's going to be staying in town for Thanksgiving. I was also staying in town due to work. I wanted to be nice, so I offered to do Thanksgiving with her. At least we're doing it at her place this year, so I don't have to stash anything. :::

Watching a video where 19 year olds are discussing how much of dumb kids they were at 16 like it was ages ago is making me feel ancient

Job searching as someone who is about to graduate is one of the most depressing things on the planet. I have done like 200 applications over the last half year and the only responses I've gotten are from super predatory companies. Losing my mind

My hair was wavy and kinda straight when it was long, but now I've cut it into a medium length shag cut and it's unkempt and messy in such a perfect way. It's honestly fantastic, I love the way it looks

I should have started working years ago. Could have saved up quite a bit of money by now. Instead I spent the past 3 years studying, and all I have to show for it is a ton of student debt and knowledge about web development that I will never get any use out of because I have zero interest in that stuff. I have a job now, but the pay isn't very high so it's gonna take me a very long time to save up for all the surgeries I want

Was in a crowd an accidentally ended up in the group photo of the people in front of me. At least in terms of briefly seeing the picture over someone's shoulder on a small screen, I actually was fairly pleased with how I looked.

I drank the first monster of my life today. Where do I pick up my trans license?

First morning after starting HRT last night. Can definitely feel the diuretic effects of the spiro, although I was also up really late so that could contribute to the dry mouth. Honestly, can't differentiate the effects of the E from placebo effects at the moment. I think I feel better, like things are more clear and I feel more alert/present than I usually do in the morning.

New roommate is a loud alcoholic with anger issues that plays loud music 24/7.... Death to landlords.

okay, I know I stalled for like a month, but I've asked her out

::: spoiler exceedingly horny post waking up at 4 am exceedingly thirsty for men and having that completely consume all my thoughts for the next 2 hours as I fantasize heavily about getting a BF as I feel the on my wall glaring down at me in shame

this has been a recurring thing for the last several weeks and I'm starting to think that the HRT is actually fucking with my sexuality here :::

Did you know that trans people are 500% cooler than cis people?

NOW YOU KNOW

Bark bark

I thought that Planned Parenthood was out-of-network, but it was actually in-network for my health insurance so I only have to pay $10 for the consultation/lab tests.

Today has been a busy day, and I feel like I've made good progress with several important things. Had my first appointment with a speech therapist experienced in helping trans people, and now I'm back to voice training Trying a different tactic, hopefully I'll actually be able to stick to it this time

Today I will stay up and fix my sleep schedule

☭

painted nails, picked partner up from the airport, both got our brows done, 6th laser session done (). feeling like a bad bitch ngl

Made a libsky account and I guess all the twitter chuds are moving there too, and a lot of them are like “I’m just here to debate! Don’t you want engagement with dissenting opinions? It’s what prevents echo chambers after all 🤓☝️” we really are back in 2016 lol

::: spoiler crushposting, sad? Idk Talked to new crush yesterday, learned new crush's name (I know, I know, we'd only ran into each other three(?) times making small talk before)

Realistically given the circumstances I don't see how this goes anywhere and I feel fuckin' stupid and embarrassed to have developed as strong of an infatuation with someone new this quickly and I feel juvenile and foolish for it and idk why but I'm kinda being a bitch to myself mentally about it and it's bumming me out

I'm doing the loser thing of "cute person is nice to me a couple times! (Imagines life together)" and that's pathetic and weird and just makes me feel hypothetically bad for the person to figure out my sad bullshit unrequited feelings for them

I wracked my brain trying to think of what it was that's making me feel so weirdly strong towards them, and realized it's a combination of "they remind me of my first love" and "we met and see each other somewhere that's a refuge from the stressful bullshit everywhere else in my life"

Even if I know I haven't acted weird or done anything outside of just being friendly and socially acceptable when we've spoken, I'm like mortified that crush is on to me and it'd be weird

I feel embarrassed of who I am and where I am in life, and even if we might be compatible, it feels unfair to crush to have a weirdo loser like me be infatuated with them

Idk sorry

Just felt bad about it yesterday and ruminating on it just made me feel viscerally lonely and angry at myself for being in a shitty state in life

In another timeline this could be really sweet and cute and I feel like I could be a really loving and supportive partner but I just feel gross and ashamed for even abstractly bothering someone kind and gorgeous by developing feelings for them

Why am I like this aaaaaa

:::

Tried a new blush color and placement and i love how it looks on me, getting cuter everyday

shadow the hedgehog and sonic the hedgehog gay and kissing

Done with most of my legal name change now. It'll still be at least a month until all my documents are in order because the driver's license will take a while until it gets printed, but i've at least applied for everything that comes with some kind of ID card and my information has been updated in all government files. Will probably be able to exchange my temporary ID to the permanent one early next week, and a bunch of stuff came in the mail today. It's weird being in this liminal space where i still have to keep a copy of my name change certificate in my car in case i get pulled over, especially given that the old license has a pic of 20 year old me with a bushy denial beard, but i constantly keep running into situations where i notice i would've been called up as Mr. or gotten mail under my deadname and instead i see my full, real name on the envelope or people at some office or on the phone immediately gender me correctly.

Gonna go online and complain about woke (being woke up early on a saturday)

Im sad, can't play games with my person tonight

gotta study gotta get going

things are hard

Well, got home. For some reason, I thought that starting HRT would be a bit tougher. Like almost everyone, there's still a nugget of self doubt, that what I'm feeling isn't dysphoria but something else. Funnily enough, had a big trans-affirming moment earlier this week. Was looking for socks in the Men's section in Target, and was struck by this utter malaise and despair. Could literally be nothing other than dysphoria. I don't want to have to feel like that anymore.

Anyways, got home, opened the door, unpacked my backpack, fed the cats. Took out the prescription, took out my pills. I thought that it would be appropo to hold them for a second, to meditate on the ramifications. But then I went fuck that. I popped those suckers down in a second. The world might end tomorrow, or the next day or the next, but if I'm going to die then I am going to die as a woman. And if not, then I am going to live as one.

never attribute to peepee that which can be adequately explained by poopoo

oh my fucking god i can really feel the E making me weaker now

Hey y'all what's the consensus about progesterone?

I reached out to my endo last night about starting prog and he got back to me today with a link to the 2022 wpath guideline update regarding progesterone where they state that the benefits are negligible and also introduces an increased thromboembolism risk.

He also said that it's "closer to testosterone than estrogen" which I think is oversimplifying things from what I've come across on my own but w/e he's the doctor ig.

I told him that, regardless, I do wanna move forward with trialing micronized progesterone. What do y'all think?

the real hero's journey is transgenderism. get fucked joseph campbell you dead fascist loser

Funny how it hits some family members a lil different when I tell them I’m sterile now vs. when I first told them I never wanted kids

Like even when they’re polite about it I can still tell they’re shook

Makes me wonder how many of them were quietly hoping my partner and I would have a change of heart or worse, an accident (we live in a state where abortion is banned). Fuck youuuu, I’m never getting pregnant!

Yes, I woke up at a stupid hour because the microchips are making me feel weird. Usually getting vaccinated is like a kinda shitty experience where i have to take a day and a half off of work and just lay in bed whining but this time I kinda spent the day with someone instead and it was really nice, and my anxiety fell asleep so I could talk more freely. So ... Thank you, vaccine brain?

::: spoiler spoiler its possible I am one of the luckiest people alive :::

I'm making bread today~ 🍞

E acquired (and also spiro).

Confirmed with the pharmacy tech that it's formulated for standard oral injestion rather than sublingual. Depending on how effective the regimen is, may ask to switch up at the 3 month checkin, but I am just excited to get started.

Now and forever

::: spoiler Psycho Nymph Exile

Click below to be Normal!

::: spoiler cw discussions of trauma, incest mentions maybe in a kink context?, idek just look out Writing out that CW was a brain-bender.

So I finally got back to reading and thinking about gay trans shit, which is rad I really missed it. Talked to someone who has Psycho Nymph Exile by Porpentine Charity Heartscape in her top 10, fucking sick. I figured I'd get back into the swing with that because, Ada Rook, Fallow, I know who Porpentine is. That'll probably be brain-stimulating while not exploding my brain.

I got my brain exploded just a lil...

I was following along acceptably until the plot actually kicks into gear, is it "some kind of weird lesbian incest", Vellus???

They tell people they're sisters, and Vellus is especially pleased when people mistake them for sisters without prompting. If blood relations are seen as superior because they precede intent, creating that bond deliberately feels powerful, like the creation of a shadow lineage.

Ohhhhh... so this is where all of those really intense presumably-kink-but-maybe-not horny posts on tumblr come from? Okay, yes. I believe so.

I dunno if I would say I'm enjoying Psycho Nymph, but it's a good exercise, I think I'm having fun. I could quote it forever, I like bending my head around the stuff; I'm getting my understanding expanded. But even if I will probably need to reread this immediately, it's also not 100% new and strange to me. I mean, who can't get down w/a footnote that reads 3. Girl smells trapped under hems and seams and elastic bands. right? (No clue why there are so many footnotes) There is T4T in Psycho Nymph which ABSOLUTELY fucking rules. My head is golden and warm and empty.

I'm so fucking jazzed, this is the kind of neural input I need. "Wanna just watch catgirl hypnosis vids and get high?" Good vibe!!!

More on what I am yapping abt

::: spoiler Personal yapping

I stopped taking tramadol (37.5mg) because I figure I need at least one month's detox because when I stopped I could feel a fog lifting. The real change came when I started reading Psycho Nymph though, I could feel my grey matter reactivating and like, serotonin goo all over me. It was rad, I felt compelled to yap instantly, but Magi understandably isn't super interested in what's going on in Psycho Nymph, plus I wanna knock heads with people who know about it, y'know. If you know, you should inform me.

I love talking to people about stuff even if it's a strain. I guess one of the reasons I fell into an (at first deliberate) isolation is because, bereft of gay shit and dopey brained, I didn't have the right balance of like, queer humours to keep my brain in check. Usually, I think, the special interest brainrot way outweighs the difficulties and stressors and I fucking Post, I yap to people. Bereft of that I will become sad and listless.

Where did I get this life-altering dependancy on queer things that I have? Either I gave myself this depedence by reading Nevada too much, or else my brain was just inactive all those years until I read Orange Book and my brain activated.

Also I have no idea if or when I'm gonna read more Whipping Girl; I'm compelled to continue analysing it but hate reading it, and have no spoons :::

Had a dream that started as a nightmare of a creature going around killing people in a space station on some planet, and then the creature got to me and she turned out to be Badeline from Celeste. She was like "oh shit your trans? Good for you," made a connection that felt like a friendship with me, then went back to killing cis people. Pretty cool dream.

Can we talk about The Murder of Sonic the Hedgehog? How it, as far as I can tell, just fucking appeared one day as a silly little free game? How it was a several hour VN with decent art and writing? And especially how my partner and I fucking loved it to bits? Look at this guy:

I don't even remember what happened in it but it was like unironically good. Thanks for reading.

I take back what I said about pants chain. I had picked one up at a thrift shop, and I have the chance to put on full makeup and try stuff out tonight. Honestly, it kinda slaps, although the color of the metal doesn't match some of my other jewelry accessories (it's more of a gunmetal than a silver).

I'm dying. My mother decided to move Thanksgiving up to today because I won't be able to have it on Thursday and I'm killing myself with all the cooking. And yes, I'm starting to suspect that the real reason was because I'm the one that cooks the meal >w>

Send help and energy drinks

free tomboymoder

Went to buy dresses finally and all the sizes are either one too small or one too big :( like the store I'm shopping at for some reason only has sizes randomly. Like they will have a small, medium, and xxl as the only sizes available. Gonna check hoy topic instead of this tiny alt/both store to see if they have more stock on my size

uhhhh this is a long rant into the void, i'm sorry in advance

::: spoiler recontextualising my childhood (cw depression) i'm now realising that i was very likely depressed when i was 14-15. at the time i remember thinking that i wasn't charismatic/masculine enough for anyone to spend time with. i thought a lot about suicide but never considered it. i watched SO many videos like "How to get people to like you". but i didn't think i was depressed then because i had a group of friends, now i don't think they ever really cared about my wellbeing at all. then, go figure, i would crush so hard on any girl that showed me any lick of compassion or just feel weird that i was trying to hang out with someone of the other gender. it's infuriating how much my friends, family, the internet, all bullied the masculinity into me and that i had no idea what was wrong with me (was yet to figure out there was nothing wrong, just trans and autistic).

well i was at that low point until i started talking to someone and one day she invited me to this charity event that i cross-dressed in. her friends, that i had known but not really connected with before, helped me get ready and they made me feel so fucking pretty omg. i never forgot that, it was the best night i'd had in a really long time (even if my friends laughed at the pictures when they saw them). well, full of anxiety i asked that girl out and she said yes. we dated for 10 months or so and i think the whole time i was living vicariously through her - "while boys can't go to girls hangouts and help do girl things, boyfriends can" kinda mentality. the break up was kinda expected but losing that group of people that actually cared about me was really tough.

there was quite a bit of repression after that but i'll save that for another rant lol

anyways, thank god for . i'm sad that it took me a while to figure out but i'm glad it happened when it did :::

ANTI CISGENDER AKTION

::: spoiler CW food They made Cracker Jack woke!!

:::

::: spoiler blog, sadposting, crush, dysphoria progress I guess? Didn't see crush today, kept thinking about them and made myself sad

Took a selfie in the gym changing room? I never take pictures of myself

Not really happy with it but I guess I'm less unhappy with my appearance than I usually am? I liked my outfit and I looked alright I guess? Idk

I feel like I'm making a lot of progress, but in a way that just makes me more acutely aware of the things about myself I hate and can't really do anything to change

I dunno, big bittersweet feels today

Beats being severely depressed but I've been pretty bummed out lately thinking about how elated I'd be to have just a pretty mundane neurotypical cishet person's unremarkable suburban life instead of (gestures at self) this

I wish I was as self aware and determined as I am now like 14 years ago

I've wasted so much of my life just being depressed and have so little to show for it

Now that I'm doing better, it just makes me angry at myself and shitty circumstances I had to deal with for leaving me with such a deep hole to try to climb out of

Idk I'm exhausted and really, really lonely and I feel like I've missed a ton of windows for lives I could have led that would've left me a lot happier with myself than where I am now :::

New lesbian flag just dropped: Punished Lesbian

Made for lesbians who are too anxious to talk to their crushes (me)

Is it just me or does starting E and spiro feel like a medium (sub tripping) dose of mushrooms? My head feels funny in the same way where it seems like new connections are being made and I also got nausea that eventually passed. Anyway, 3rd day on the juice

THANK YOU I've always been thinking "why did the moon just come back? why is nobody acknowledging this?" Now I feel so seen

Got my prescription from Planned Parenthood! 2 mg E and 50 mg spiro, both oral. Still nervous, but I am excited.

::: spoiler dysphoria, voice training, surgery mention, whining Woke up with a scratchy throat and extra deep pitch voice, had to talk to a relative I'm not out to, relative remarked that "I'm easier to understand than I usually am(?)" (they're kinda hard of hearing and old, I usually use "normal" voice with them, which I guess is androgynous instead of femme?)

I've gotten "oh LocalOaf, I didn't know that was you, you sound so much like your dad! You're growing up, teehee" kinda shit before and

^AAAAAAA^

I sound like fucking Tom Waits today and wanna cry

Tried my femme voice alone and the best I can do rn is Dr. Girlfriend

Down the road I think I need VFS but that scares me and seems unobtainable financially

Fuck this gay earth :::

officially two days behind on my injection, thank you anxiety

Just got a text reminder from the vet for the cat me and my ex owned. Ugh. I hope he's okay (the cat), it's gonna be a pain in the ass (emotionally) to get the message to my ex.

The pro strat for getting all 326 routes in shadow the hedgehog (2005) is to have no social life, why have sex or go out with a S/O when you got routes to complete also do route 326 first and work backwards that way each time you check the library it'll open up to your last run and you don't gotta flip through it.

Hey how long did it take for you all to get used to a new name? Last time I did this was a decade ago so I forgot, and I'm starting to worry.

Wanted to get ahead of the rumors spreading about me and it's true I am both really hot and have massive rizz. The shy insecure virgin thing was all an act apparently sorry for fooling everyone myself included. fr tho some weird chisme about me being a player at work started

i'm kinda happy with estrogen effects on breast size so far, i know it can generally take a while but eughhh when will my nipples stop looking so weird??

::: spoiler also (cw sex stuff) i started cyproterone at 3 months and my libido is gone. completely fucking wiped out. i have to try so hard to convince myself that the effort could be worth it. it's definitely better than the ravenous feelings i had with T but ehhh

got my 6 month catch up in Jan, would that be a good time to ask about prog? i don't want to come off too eager but... well i am :::

There's shittin time and then there's quittin time and right now I'm all out of shits to give

::: spoiler For all those that like to be called boy.

good boy

— V. I. Lenin :::

::: spoiler CW: indirect dysphoria Tis weird experiencing dysphoria because of other people's voice or body. Like, sometimes when I hear guys talk with a very buzzy voice, I find it icky. Not because I think its a bad voice inherently, but the thought of me sounding like that just bothers me (unfortunately, when I'm congested, its hard not to sound sorta like that). Or like, I saw my brother's leg/chest hair and I felt surprised that I never had such a clear issue with the fact that I used to be hairier than him pretty recently. But since it originally grew in very slowly, I got used to it and became mostly numb to it? Like I still don't shave or trim all that much, but like there's no way I'd be okay with it being like that anymore. :::

One of my partners just broke up with their abusive other partner which yippee but also auuuughhghhhggg

Got the passport application turned in. Was nervous about the postal clerk saying something about the gender marker change, but he was nice and didn't even mention it. The process was fast, although it was a bit expensive. I opted for the expediated service to ensure that it's processed within the next couple of weeks.

I'm feeling isolated lately and it's only partially my fault

I don’t like how early it still is on the east coast

can i say something? (no bully)

want to get a profile pic and banner and bio for my account because I've never done that

have no idea what to do

Any ideas? Characters I like maybe? Thinking about "hey what represents me?" is always strangely difficult for me, it took me ages just to make an account or usernames for stuff and I don't want them to have anything to do with me irl so I draw a blank a lot of the time

miss my cool trans discord hangout spots, hasn't been the same since 2020

::: spoiler dysphoria, bloodwork Got my bloodwork results back. But it seems like I'll have to do another test for liver function. Don't know if I want it since it's not necessary but on the other hand it's nice to have a pre-HRT result to compare it to.

I'm also waiting for my estradiol to arrive, and it probably will, but I have the fear that it got seized. It makes me feel really nervous and that together with the fact I still have to decide if I will do the liver function test makes me feel bad. I'm also feeling dysphoric in general even though I felt euphoric yesterday. I'm laying in bed right now and listening to music and that helps. :::

Every monday I have an appointment with my therapist, but this time I show up only to find out that he's on vacation. Cool, not like they could have told me that ahead of time

Heard someone call yakuza "old man yaoi" and now I can't get that phrase out of my head

Any recs on where to shop for chokers? I want to get a new one for the outfit that I am wearing to a metal show. I have two that I bought from Amazon, but one of the requires an extender so I don't think it looks great, and the other has spikes which I think is kinda inappropriate because I don't want to mosh and I definitely don't want to look like a pit ninja. Looking on Amazon, everything seems to cap at a neck width of 16", while I have a neck width of 17" flat.

EDIT: Also, are pants chains in or out? I always thought they looked kinda dorky, but idk.

Had a random old guy compliment my appearance in a public area. I have a beard and he gendered me as a man, but like still surprisingly happy about the compliment instead of just confused why someone would compliment something about my appearance. Still confused by the compliment, but being happy about such is a new thing.

Heckbear

::: spoiler spoiler >wake up

>the pain immediately starts

Fuck me and fuck this :::

What have yinz been listening to this past week?

https://lastcollage.io/collage

::: spoiler spoiler I'm stuck in between wanting to wear more feminine clothes but experience dysphoria and wear more masculine clothing not having as much dysphoria but wanting to dress more feminine. I honestly don't know what to do abt it :::

Damn, i entirely forgot to post that i had my 2nd HRT anniversary this saturday! Made some nice onigiri to celebrate, shared them with my gal pal, gay stuff and singing workers' songs ensued. It's good how things are going.

::: spoiler Actually talking about Psycho Nymph Exile, I discuss weird slightly morbid things, also nsfw! I realise that when I posted, forgot to explain what Psycho Nymph actually is. Apologies, I am rusty at posting. It doesn't have a blurb per se which is very unhelpful, I had no idea what it was going in.

Because I'm silly, the best I can describe it as, is "Neon Genesis Evangelion, but with the viscera and queer dials cranked to 11" pretty much. So it's huuuuge biomechs (here "GAIGA") piloted by traumatised youths, deploying to battle whatever ANTI-GAIGA are. Presumably the establishment is running some kind of terrible scheme behind the scenes, but the pilots end up with DSTP (Despair Syndrome with Temporal Purge, subtle I know) pretty much reliably as a result of piloting, and after a lil worldbuilding (as a treat) the story picks up following Vellus, post-discharge from the academy of tight plugsuits after she accidentally maims her ex-girlfriend when her gaiga goes ballistic due to some new modification. She hangs out with her new sister-girlfriend, Isidol.

I always thought what NGE needed was for the mechs to be giant feral women with chastity cages, yeah. This is the correct way to build on the genre

Psycho Nymph is all sludge and goo and black bile and mild psychidelia, DSTP can manifest as many symptoms, from excess foreign fluid (DSTP-Black emerges as a slimy fluid from the orifices) to weird skin moisture things (DSTP-Clear (type B) condenses, vapors, or frosts on the body. Reports of eye-based DSTP-Clear leakage are unsubstantiated.) to Pheromone Poisoning (You will know.) to multiple pupils. (Vellus has three irises in each eye. You can’t see them all when her eyes are narrowed, like if she’s tense or tired or horney. Right now Isidol reflects in all six of Vellus’ pupils.) sic btw, no idea why the word is spelt "horney" persistently.

There's almost no hard technology either, though; the helmets and plugsuits seem to be it, and for everything else from joysticks ("She fingers the joystick, sculpted from a neural stem. It tenses under her grip like a clit.") to public internet-y wall jacks (more like a squishy orifice) it's not exactly squeamish but it is very fleshy and fluidy. Very cool.

I'm only like 50 pages in, of uh 120? but I'm excited to read more today and subsequently poke around online about it. I'm certain everyone else will have much more intelligent views on it, me I'm just taking in all the new smells and sensations. I noticed that putting several chapters of sickly gore-y weird body horror

She’s almost got a nice image together of a taller woman kissing her on the forehead, drowning her in musky torrents of hair, arms wrapping around her once, then twice, then endlessly, a bandaging repetition. The image shatters as a beam of DSTP-Orange blasts through the roof of her apartment, illuminating it like a muddy, humid cave full of fire. Dormant memories hatch all over her body.

right before the one beautiful moment of chill peaceful contented T4T cuddling, the latter feels even more like a respite from everything else:

Isidol wraps herself over me tight as a blanket, a toasty momcave. Even as I melt into the mattress, I know she isn’t asleep, or even resting. I imagine her face as a machine gun nest on the hill of my shoulder. What is she watching for? She must be guarding me against psychic evil, because my head is golden and warm and empty. Under her aura I fall asleep without fear.

It kinda fucks, I'm a big fan. It tickles my nerve endings and lights shit up in my brain just right. It's about trashgirls living on the edge of society being mobbed for the crime of attempted survival. It is about girls in trouble. it is about blood. Surprisingly thpugh I haven't put on any Rooks while reading, maybe I should try Void Fantasy tbh. :::

::: spoiler Underrated benefit of undercut (CW horny) Not catching long hair up in a wrap around tape gag (probably my favourite gag) :::

Any Diy-ers know what's going on with dash pct? I can't access the site

Oh.... I didn't realise there was going to be magical grrl shit in Psycho Nymph. Uh, I don't speak the language sorry, I didn't watch Madoka Magica, I wasn't sufficiently convinced. My comprehension, in shambles!!

Non binary because I like boys in a gay way and girls in a gay way too.

It do be kinda fucked that I started work same week as the shadow mega, I remember banging out 10 routes a day beforehand now I haven't touched it since saturday I still think this is a great mega by the way and I"m glad that I can read it during work now

I was reminded of my struggles recently, so I looked at some stuff about avpd and ::: spoiler spoiler No wonder I can't make or build friendships. Diagnosed for years, still haven't been able to get better. Why can't I be normal. Literally, genuinely, life ruining. Having autism on top of that does not help.

I struggle with relationships so much. I want them so badly, but its just really hard for me.

I'm angry and sad. Mostly sad. None of this is new to me, obviously, idk. Just hurts more then normal right now. :::

ok, i have collected votes and even though i'm allowed to say something, i will not be doing so out of respect for my family in this time.

Had my HRT consult and got a prescription. They don't prescribe SERMs at PP so I have to find a more specialized clinic before my tiddies start growing.

::: spoiler peepee stuff Does anyone have advice for boner pills to prevent atrophy? :::

Pinging @khizuo@hexbear.net as a subject matter expert, but I have questions for the community in general.

So, for decorating my black leather jacket , I am thinking of stencil-painting the 72 demonic sigils of the Ars Goetia up the sleeves (36 wrapped around each sleeve), and then painting either the magic circle of the Ars Goetia, the Secret Seal of Solomon, or stenciling the Preliminary Invocation text. This would all be in red or gold paint.

My questions:

• First, general vibe / aesthetic check: cringe or potentially based?
• I'm neither a practitioner or really a believer in Goetia or other magick practices, so I am a bit concerned about this sort of display being appropriative. -

Damn you're making me want to get into Sonic.

Shadow girl (Positive)

::: spoiler Talking too much about smut I only kinda liked: Human Domestication Guide

Alright, been meaning to type this for a while. Saw Ash talk about (check pronoun) readings and reminded me I read this due to (check pronouns)'s recommendation and then forgot to talk about it. Anyways

I like the idea of being taken care of the dxtremley caring plant creatures, but I just get caught up on the cultural imperialism of the forced pet dynamic. I think part of it is me being into like dog or cat girl thing more as an identity than as a kink. I dislike the cultural imperialism a lot. I get its just smut, and smut isn't necisarily realistic, but this is MY post so I get to decide what smut is good or bad enjoyment rise.

But yeah, I enjoy the vibes of being forced to be nice to myself and either being forced to take care of myself, or have a big plant lady take care of me, but the hypnosis and ownership aspects just give me bad vibes personally. Like I remember in the original glitchyrobo writing of the main character writing a document recognizing and signing a thing saying that (she?) has no rights in the Affini Compact. Like that and the ownership shit just made me stop enjoying it. Again, I get its just smut, but I am unable to just turn my brain off and ignore it.

I think I need to find smut, or really just writing in general, that has cozy vibes and maybe a Dom forcing me to take care of myself and be nice to myself. That would be cool. :flush:

That is to say.... If you have any recommendations.... I would love to hear them :flush:

:::

Cooked...

So I moved to a new job and new place and it’s great so far. I’m very thankful it happened. However, I’m still bothered by this weird insecurity that things might not work out somehow, or that coworkers or others here won’t like me, and whatever else I have to panic about. I wish I could just be confident for once and not always expecting bad things to happen, but that will probably get better with time I suppose. I think I at least feel much safer where I’m at now, since I hated my previous job, previous location, and it would have been much harder for me to transition had this not happened.

I’m sick where’s my shadow the hedgehog

genuinely been so happy the past few weeks. i think there's a reason why...

so tired.

::: spoiler caffeine/nicotine Drinking way too much coffee and I bought smokes yesterday

I'm getting so much shit done and improving overall but at what cost :::

Well, I fucked up my nail polish, burned a ton of time trying to get it off, fucked up my eye makeup, and I am late to the appointment.

Still excited/pumped tho.

Is it Spiro or oral estradiol that makes you piss? For whichever one it is, I need to switch off of it because I forget to drink water a lot and am frequently lightheaded

down with cis

::: spoiler Depression I think I need to get new depression meds. The ones I'm on now are better than the previous onesbhy a fair bit but its still rough mentally. Just don't want to have to deal with more random side effects that fuck me up. :::

Found smut with the tag #catgirls_make_the_best_communists and it didn't have a pet play tag so I thought it would be good, and yet it lied and still ends with pet play :boohoo:

the ultimate mega thread

Who put the moon back together?

They gathered the 7 dragon balls chaos emeralds and wished it back together

The question should never by "why does shadow ride vehicles when he can move as fast as sonic?" but "who's making child sized vehicles in the first place?" ok 06 they are G.U.N. vechiles he's using so maybe they made for him but in shadow the hedgehog (2005) he just finds them on the street. Sonic and Shadow are supposed to be 1 meter or 3'3" give or take

::: spoiler Blogpost, gymrat shit, sobriety mention Met a v sweet gay bear at the gym

I don't think there's anything there but he's handsome and kind and we had a nice little friendly introduction and I think he might've clocked me but in a supportive way? Idk but it seemed cool to me

Also made friends with a (REALLY) handsome straight(seeming?) guy

Shit's looking up on that front overall, it's nuts how I was like a hermit a month ago

Replacing booze with workout endorphins is probably the best decision I've made in ages

🏋️‍♀️

:::

::: spoiler Psycho Nymph, unrelated yapping UGLY DEATH NO REDEMPTION ANGEL CURSE I LOVE YOU, Psycho Nymph Exile

Is this an aesthetic that is fair to call an aesthetic? I first noticed the TRASH GIRL thing in the bandcamp description of Shed Blood by Ada Rook, but look there it is again. A term some people use! And uh, the creative output of these people smells the same, like Shed Blood could totally soundtrack Psycho Nymph if it weren't a multimedia oddysey or smth. Where does this come from? Do you have to be a 30something trans woman with a background in IBM PC clones to have evolved this specific style of gorey, screaming gay gendery apocalyptic rage music?

But then Fallow is so downkey, like I was not expecting it to get labelled "southern gothic" and if I had found Fallow first I'd have been shocked that the Fallow lady makes weird industrial screamy music. Contains Multitudes.

Idk how I would go about studying this, scene? there's a sphere of people? who is ESPER99 I wonder? thing, but I want to know more Idk. Imogen Binnie ✨ says in her new Orange Book afterword that Black Dresses is pop music and not new, and I'm like WHERE IS MORE OF THIS. GIVE IT TO ME, MA'AM :::

Reached The Gender Moment in DA Veilguard, it's not a big deal, chuds are incredible snowflakes it's fucking sad.

::: spoiler spoiler So Taash comes out to their mom as non-binary. Mom doesnt get it and tries to be like "Uhh in qunari culture you could just switch your gender too, that's allowed!" and Taash is like "No, fuck you, why do you have to over analyze this? Why can't I be enough for once?." and mom gets a bit sad and leaves.

THAT'S IT

it's not even about the GENDER it's about her being a BAD MOM holy fucking what the fuck. G¤mers are beyond belief i cant even :::

to be honest I'm more pissed off at

::: spoiler romance spoilers that their mom doesnt consider me good enough for her child. smdh this is transphobia :::

Kendrick just opened his mouth

Thought of another Shadow fact, in sonic and the black knight shadow appears as Lancelot so take whatever myth from that and add it to shadows lore. He's known as the Ultimate Knight honestly the music from satbk is worth checking out for all the remixing of old themes from past games

Did my first blood test for T and E so I don't have to wait anymore for that and I'm one step closer to starting HRT. But want to make an appointment for blood work for liver function first since I'm going to take bicalutamide. I could've asked to the nurse if she could test that as well but didn't think of it at the time

This is a complete long shot, a friend of mine had a half remembered fuzzy dream recollection of a song she heard a week ago that made a big impression on her. It's folky/blue grassy/that kind of genre. It was on a station called CJSW, they're alternative campus radio that plays plenty of eclectic music. She said it was instrumental and beautiful!

With her permission, this is her humming it: https://vocaroo.com/1c6G1uF94k2n

Anyone have any luck? I have no idea lol

::: spoiler dysphoria, hair styling, body hair removal seriously considering shaving my head and doing a Mellon Collie tour era femme-ish Billy (Billie? I guess?) Corgan kinda look

Got REAL self loathing brushing my hair and seeing how pitiful it is

Shoulder length but I'm probably a year a way from Ocean Machine era Devin Townsend minus the crunchy dreads and a skullet is definitely not what I want personally

Might become a wig person

Idk

Also anyone ever use Nair Leg Masks? Impulse bought a bottle on sale and haven't used it yet but shaving takes forever for me and I have sensitive gay baby skin

It says it's for sensitive skin but I've been burned by that before with other stuff

Will report back for gay science later I guess :::

I'm not good at falling asleep why do I have to do it like three times a day.

My Bicalutamide arrived! But my estrogen not yet. So I'm thinking of starting with bicalutamide already since I can't wait. But my blood tests for testosterone and estrogen are tomorrow. Would it mess with the results tomorrow if I start bicalutamide today? And since I haven't made an appointment for a blood test for liver function yet, would it mess with the results too much?

And since my estrogen hasn't arrived yet, is only taking bicalutamide worth it?

While I got time to post during my lunch break, shadow uhh is pretty damn cool. Damn too tired to think rn I'll edit this later to some cool fact. Edit ok so Maria getting shot was supposed to be more graphic the evidence in sonic rivals you collect a lot of cards that have stuff from the series and the maria card had more detail so like it's out there prob was gonna be used before someone was like maybe we don't need to linger too much on this shot

I don't remember seeing a bastion and nether fortress intersecting like this before: ::: spoiler spoiler
Your nether portal spawns right above the bastion, was neat to see last night when I was practicing. Ended up losing this run to not enough food iirc, you spawn in a mesa so not a ton of animals. Just thought this was neat world gen. seed: 2029358003872644754 :::

Visited parents and mom had to go take care of something, so finally was alone with step-mom for the first time since told them I changed hormones. So she asked me about goals, name, etc, which is cool even if I have no concrete goals or plans to change name for now.

My brother later told me our mom has asked him about things like name (my name is based on hers, so not surprise that would be a focus of hers), but I guess she doesn't want to ask me directly? Not sure if because I have a history of clamming up or because I can be overly sensitive and she's afraid of offending me accidentally - either and/or both make sense given how I've been in the past. She hadn't said anything to me in like the 3 weeks since I came out, so happy to know she's at least showing some interest and not just trying to pretend it isn't happening. Given the type of media she consumes, I'm kinda just glad she hasn't tried sending me things like detransition propaganda videos.

Also, suddenly finding emotions being a lot stronger these last couple days... like getting tears for little reason (fortunately, so far pretty much just when alone). Kinda nostalgic, except as a child, I had even less understanding why I was upset.

i am pumping my mp5 furiously right now

working on my "Christian white girl in autumn" vibes in the best possible way" with my outfit today, or so i was told

ok so responding to something earlier i have had this hypothesis for a while and just want some anecdotal info:

sorry only for the AMAB transfemmes. maybe if this is interesting we can do an actual comprehensive survey at some point?

this is only for those that experience ASMR or finds it has an effect, either physical or just enjoyable:

• did it start before taking hormones?
• did it start only after taking hormones?
• if before, did hormones enhance or reduce it?
• if not yet on hormones, do you experience it currently?

Tried to do some shoe shopping IRL for my show outfit (well, just quick browsing at Walmart and TJ Maxx), but no real luck. Decided to just go ahead an order a pair of classic black Doc Martens.

Also, I didn't get an email back from the university art/craft space about dyeing my leather jacket there, so I guess I will just try doing it in the bathtub (hanging it on the shower curtain rod, that is), since I should get okay ventilation with the bathroom fan. The last project I did that involved a lot of paint/dye made one of my cats sick, so I will just have to keep them out of the area while it's drying overnight.

Rewriting the lyrics to ‘I think about it all the time’ by charli xcx to be about the TLC04CD monolithic switched capacitor 4 pole low pass butterworth filter requiring minimal external components and featuring a clock tuneable cutoff frequency and frequency stability that is dependent only on external clock frequency stability

The Rizzler is gonna be on an AEW pay-per-view... god is good

I think it's valid to get mad at friends for something they did in a dream, had an argument with one of them in my dream when they said jackie chan adventures was a bad show. I like that show so I let them know that they were wrong for having that opinion in my dream

Anyone got anime reccs?

I used to watch a lot like 10+ years ago but I haven't really kept up since aside from a couple things. I'll check out anything that isn't shonen. I've watched enough of that for a lifetime

The hero or dark bars in shadow the hedgehog (2005) are either seen as ok or useless depending on the mission you're doing but you just gotta use them right. Filled both offer unlimited ammo and invincibility that you can use to bypass a lot of harmful terrain. Chaos control should be timed over bottomless pits or rails since when it ends it will put you past both and chaos blast can absolutely wreak egg dealer and diablon under a minute if you know what you are doing.

::: spoiler sex stuff IMAGINE DRAGONS VOICE:
oh, the misery!
everybody wants to see my dick for free :::

I missed the mega but I in time for this one I'm pretty hyped

curling around the oven at work

How do I find a good bra? There is literally nowhere I can realistically shop in person, so I need to order online. Sports bras and bralettes aren't cutting it anymore, lol

Anyone interested in shadow the hedgehog (2005) I recommend the romhack reloaded 1.2, lot of qol improvements, fixes and a new scoring system with added S ranks. Some of the levels have some added stuff and the red rings from colors

::: spoiler sad/pain ::: spoiler suicide, self harm I have no hope and think about suicide a lot.

Fuck this stupid, awful life. Hate that my options are suffer or kill myself. Hell world. Nothing is going to be okay again.

Also another fucking day of resisting the self harm urges, for some reason. If I was actually suicidal I'd just do it, fuck my fake fucking life. :::

can i say something?

Call me Pisshmael

derail valley updated yey

Idk I never do

bf made fun of me for listening to girly pop music and a) idgaf and b) thx honey very affirming.

I need the gayest St Sebastian medallion there is.

little deuce poupe

I had a random flashback to a YouTube comment on a news video about Alex Jones:

CNN YOU ARE FAKE NEWS. DEBATE ME RIGHT NOW. I WILL WIN. I AM TEN.

I get the urge sometimes to write fanfics where I pick the most boring characters and make them trans and nd, idk feel like I was boring as hell back before I knew but that had to do with repression/masking.