Is it neurodivergence to barely feel emotions and not want to form relationships?
I haven't felt anything besides low burning self contempt for years. Emotions like sadness and happiness elude me. I haven't sincerely shouted for joy or wept in years. I also have no desire to get close to other people and form relationships. This makes it nigh impossible for me to give a shit about even important things. While I don't feel much pain anymore, I also lack the spark that makes life worth living. I feel like a soulless automaton.
Does this sound like it's related to neurodivergence? I'm 100% depressed, but years of therapy and various different medications haven't done much, so I feel like there must be more to it.
dualmindblade [he/him] - 1.7yr
I haven't sincerely shouted for joy or wept in years.
This implies that you haven't always felt this way. If so, well you might or might not be neurodivergent, but your complaint is a consequence of treatment resistant depression.
19
bigboopballs [he/him] - 1.7yr
might just be Depression™
16
RobotToaster @mander.xyz - 1.7yr
Possibly, it's hard to tell just from that. It could "just" be chronic depression, but there could be comorbid neuro-divergence like autism, or other things like a personality disorder or schizophrenia prodrome. You'd need a psychiatric evaluation to know.
12
Hestia [she/her, fae/faer] - 1.7yr
You're describing depersonalization disorder. I had it. Transitioning helped me with it, but that's not the solution for everyone
12
QueerCommie [she/her, fae/faer] - 1.7yr
Do you have other symptoms? Neurodivergences are neurodevelopmental disorders so the question is what were you like as a child?
I have been diagnosed with Autism and ADHD and do not feel any emotions or feel any connection with other people, so it’s possible. It looks like you’re dissociating, which could be caused by regular trauma or neurodivergent sensory/social/expectational trauma.
10
HexReplyBot [none/use name] - 1.7yr
I found a YouTube link in your comment. Here are links to the same video on alternative frontends that protect your privacy:
This sounds like an emotional would. People don't close up and shut down unless they've been deeply hurt. I'm just starting to heal from my neglectful childhood, and I experience much of the same. It's hard to feel, it's hard to sit still (because that's when the bad feelings return, also ADHD), and it's nigh impossible to let people in.
Thank you for opening up in this thread, seriously. Thank you for being a little bit vulnerable.
I can't say if you're neurodivergent, or have "just" gone through some shit. I can say that neurodivergent people are often the target of abuse and neglect.
9
lil_tank [any, he/him] - 1.7yr
From what I experience, autism makes some feelings very intense while others get easily pushed in the background. Depending on your situation you might not experience feelings that would feel intense if they came to you
8
heartheartbreak [fae/faer] - 1.7yr
Id add to the general speculation it seems not just depression but dissociation is your main issue. Life lacks salience because your brain is dissociating away so much pain the parts of your brain that are meant to feel things are overmodulated meaning no activity can be had.
I would look into bessel van der kolks work on traumas neurological effects!
8
heggs_bayer - 1.7yr
I read The Body Keeps the Score back in rehab and it resonated with me quite a bit. Many of the therapies listed in the last third of the book are pretty hard to find in my area sadly.
7
REgon - 1.7yr
Are you often tired? Do you struggle to get out of bed in the morning?
8
heggs_bayer - 1.7yr
Not in the sleepy way, but I'm either lying in bed or sitting at my computer most of the time because I lack the volition to do otherwise.
8
REgon - 1.7yr
Have you considered wether you might be clinically depressed? What you're describing could kinda sound like it. It's not a big deal if you are. I got the diagnosis and some anti-depressants and it made my life so much better.
6
heggs_bayer - 1.7yr
I have treatment resistant depression that various different antidepressants and antipsychotics over the years hasn't helped with.
5
MouthyHooker - 1.7yr
Might be worth investigating an ADHD and/or autism diagnosis as well just to rule those out. I had terrible depression from age 16-29. I got diagnosed with ADHD at 29 and got on stimulant medications and it greatly improved my depression symptoms. I think it was a combo of increased dopamine from the meds and finally understanding how my brain works and why certain things are hard for me.
I am still on SSRIs and probably always will be, but the dark thoughts are so much less frequent and intense these days.
5
REgon - 1.7yr
I am very sorry to hear that comrade I wish I could help you in some way
4
mathemachristian [he/him] - 1.7yr
Could be trauma, could be depression getting worse, could be burn-out from being ND, it could be a lot of not mutually exclusive things.
What would you like to change? Would knowing if you have a disorder and which it is help? For instance having ADD diagnosed helped me by putting a name to what I felt was my "chronic failure disorder" and access to medications for it. But some others might say "So I went through all this trouble only to know I have x. How does that help me in any way? The only difference to before is that I learned the medical term for what's causing me issues"
It's also possible that it's not a disorder at all but a normal reaction to living in hellworld. I felt very similarly until I met my wife and got on the "hell yeah I want a family and kids" track. That kind of outlooked fundamentally changed how I approached things and having such a big goal to work towards makes previously unimprotant things important.
7
kristina [she/her] - 1.7yr
Testosterone moment? 🤔
7
RobotToaster @mander.xyz - 1.7yr
Or the opposite, testosterone deficiency can cause depression.
10
kristina [she/her] - 1.7yr
Yeah really depends which way youre wired for
10
QueerCommie [she/her, fae/faer] - 1.7yr
Testosterone and neurodivergence moment?
4
heggs_bayer - 1.7yr
My testosterone levels are probably way too low due to my sedentary lifestyle.
3
eldavi @lemmy.ml - 1.7yr
it's all guesses here and nuggets of info there until you do the homework and get tested as far as neuro-divergence goes.
in your case i would seek help from a professional for the depression first.
6
aStonedSanta @lemm.ee - 1.7yr
Have you tried watching a trash show like love is blind? Or an anime that’s a heart string puller? I feel those kinds of shoes can get me pretty emotional at times
Edit: shoes lol. I’m leaving it
4
MouthyHooker - 1.7yr
It could just be straight up depression but severe insecure attachment could be a contributing factor. Are you familiar with attachment theory? Do you know your attachment style? Can I ask which modalities of therapy you have tried?
4
heggs_bayer - 1.7yr
Are you familiar with attachment theory? Do you know your attachment style?
I've heard about it before. While I've never had anyone else assess me on it, I'm pretty sure I'm avoidant.
Can I ask which modalities of therapy you have tried?
So far just talk therapy.
2
MouthyHooker - 1.7yr
Avoidant attachment definitely tracks with not wanting to form relationships with others. There’s a fair amount of good info online that you could dig into and see if it resonates. This
Reddit reply has 3 different quizzes to choose from.
I agree with the other reply that said it sounds like dissociation and/or depersonalization. Are those terms a therapist has discussed with you at all? Do you have a past history of trauma? (Obviously no pressure to disclose details, but a lot of what you are describing could be consistent with PTSD and/or C-PTSD, which have a lot of symptom overlap with ADHD, autism, and borderline personality disorder aka emotionally unstable personality disorder.)
IMO, talk therapy can be kind of useless for more complex mental illnesses. I feel like if you’ve been going for years and aren’t noticing improvement, that’s a sign that you might want to consider a different modality. I have been doing EMDR with somewhat mixed results but overall I’d recommend giving it a try. Some other potential modalities to try include somatic experiencing therapy and hypnotherapy. If you go on Psychology Today’s website, you can search for therapists by modalities offered and insurance accepted. It might be worth it to go outside the box a bit since you’ve tried quite a bit and are still really suffering.
Sorry you’re going through this. Mental illness sucks and we live in a sick society that makes it hard to heal or find happiness. I hope you are able to get some answers and/or find treatment that helps. 🩷
2
heggs_bayer - 1.7yr
Are those terms a therapist has discussed with you at all?
I think so, but we didn't get anywhere helpful with it.
Do you have a past history of trauma?
Yes.
Thank you for your thought and care.
3
MouthyHooker - 1.7yr
You’re welcome. I empathize with the struggle.
I also saw your reply that you are pretty sedentary. I know everyone says this and it’s annoying but silly little walks for your mental health do help a bit. I recently started exercising again and am devastated to report that it does actually improve my mental health 😭 I know how hard it is when you can barely get out of bed, but if you can even make yourself just do some light stretching on a mat or go for a 10 minute walk, you might notice a bit of improvement in your symptoms. It’s okay if you can’t 🩷
3
HexReplyBot [none/use name] - 1.7yr
A Reddit link was detected in your comment. Here are links to the same location on alternative frontends that protect your privacy.
heggs_bayer in neurodiverse
Is it neurodivergence to barely feel emotions and not want to form relationships?
I haven't felt anything besides low burning self contempt for years. Emotions like sadness and happiness elude me. I haven't sincerely shouted for joy or wept in years. I also have no desire to get close to other people and form relationships. This makes it nigh impossible for me to give a shit about even important things. While I don't feel much pain anymore, I also lack the spark that makes life worth living. I feel like a soulless automaton.
Does this sound like it's related to neurodivergence? I'm 100% depressed, but years of therapy and various different medications haven't done much, so I feel like there must be more to it.
This implies that you haven't always felt this way. If so, well you might or might not be neurodivergent, but your complaint is a consequence of treatment resistant depression.
might just be Depression™
Possibly, it's hard to tell just from that. It could "just" be chronic depression, but there could be comorbid neuro-divergence like autism, or other things like a personality disorder or schizophrenia prodrome. You'd need a psychiatric evaluation to know.
You're describing depersonalization disorder. I had it. Transitioning helped me with it, but that's not the solution for everyone
Do you have other symptoms? Neurodivergences are neurodevelopmental disorders so the question is what were you like as a child?
I have been diagnosed with Autism and ADHD and do not feel any emotions or feel any connection with other people, so it’s possible. It looks like you’re dissociating, which could be caused by regular trauma or neurodivergent sensory/social/expectational trauma.
I found a YouTube link in your comment. Here are links to the same video on alternative frontends that protect your privacy:
Reading your experience through my personal lens:
This sounds like an emotional would. People don't close up and shut down unless they've been deeply hurt. I'm just starting to heal from my neglectful childhood, and I experience much of the same. It's hard to feel, it's hard to sit still (because that's when the bad feelings return, also ADHD), and it's nigh impossible to let people in.
Thank you for opening up in this thread, seriously. Thank you for being a little bit vulnerable.
I can't say if you're neurodivergent, or have "just" gone through some shit. I can say that neurodivergent people are often the target of abuse and neglect.
From what I experience, autism makes some feelings very intense while others get easily pushed in the background. Depending on your situation you might not experience feelings that would feel intense if they came to you
Id add to the general speculation it seems not just depression but dissociation is your main issue. Life lacks salience because your brain is dissociating away so much pain the parts of your brain that are meant to feel things are overmodulated meaning no activity can be had.
I would look into bessel van der kolks work on traumas neurological effects!
I read The Body Keeps the Score back in rehab and it resonated with me quite a bit. Many of the therapies listed in the last third of the book are pretty hard to find in my area sadly.
Are you often tired? Do you struggle to get out of bed in the morning?
Not in the sleepy way, but I'm either lying in bed or sitting at my computer most of the time because I lack the volition to do otherwise.
Have you considered wether you might be clinically depressed? What you're describing could kinda sound like it. It's not a big deal if you are. I got the diagnosis and some anti-depressants and it made my life so much better.
I have treatment resistant depression that various different antidepressants and antipsychotics over the years hasn't helped with.
Might be worth investigating an ADHD and/or autism diagnosis as well just to rule those out. I had terrible depression from age 16-29. I got diagnosed with ADHD at 29 and got on stimulant medications and it greatly improved my depression symptoms. I think it was a combo of increased dopamine from the meds and finally understanding how my brain works and why certain things are hard for me.
I am still on SSRIs and probably always will be, but the dark thoughts are so much less frequent and intense these days.
I am very sorry to hear that comrade
I wish I could help you in some way
Could be trauma, could be depression getting worse, could be burn-out from being ND, it could be a lot of not mutually exclusive things.
What would you like to change? Would knowing if you have a disorder and which it is help? For instance having ADD diagnosed helped me by putting a name to what I felt was my "chronic failure disorder" and access to medications for it. But some others might say "So I went through all this trouble only to know I have x. How does that help me in any way? The only difference to before is that I learned the medical term for what's causing me issues"
It's also possible that it's not a disorder at all but a normal reaction to living in hellworld. I felt very similarly until I met my wife and got on the "hell yeah I want a family and kids" track. That kind of outlooked fundamentally changed how I approached things and having such a big goal to work towards makes previously unimprotant things important.
Testosterone moment? 🤔
Or the opposite, testosterone deficiency can cause depression.
Yeah really depends which way youre wired for
Testosterone and neurodivergence moment?
My testosterone levels are probably way too low due to my sedentary lifestyle.
it's all guesses here and nuggets of info there until you do the homework and get tested as far as neuro-divergence goes.
in your case i would seek help from a professional for the depression first.
Have you tried watching a trash show like love is blind? Or an anime that’s a heart string puller? I feel those kinds of shoes can get me pretty emotional at times
Edit: shoes lol. I’m leaving it
It could just be straight up depression but severe insecure attachment could be a contributing factor. Are you familiar with attachment theory? Do you know your attachment style? Can I ask which modalities of therapy you have tried?
I've heard about it before. While I've never had anyone else assess me on it, I'm pretty sure I'm avoidant.
So far just talk therapy.
Avoidant attachment definitely tracks with not wanting to form relationships with others. There’s a fair amount of good info online that you could dig into and see if it resonates. This Reddit reply has 3 different quizzes to choose from.
I agree with the other reply that said it sounds like dissociation and/or depersonalization. Are those terms a therapist has discussed with you at all? Do you have a past history of trauma? (Obviously no pressure to disclose details, but a lot of what you are describing could be consistent with PTSD and/or C-PTSD, which have a lot of symptom overlap with ADHD, autism, and borderline personality disorder aka emotionally unstable personality disorder.)
IMO, talk therapy can be kind of useless for more complex mental illnesses. I feel like if you’ve been going for years and aren’t noticing improvement, that’s a sign that you might want to consider a different modality. I have been doing EMDR with somewhat mixed results but overall I’d recommend giving it a try. Some other potential modalities to try include somatic experiencing therapy and hypnotherapy. If you go on Psychology Today’s website, you can search for therapists by modalities offered and insurance accepted. It might be worth it to go outside the box a bit since you’ve tried quite a bit and are still really suffering.
Sorry you’re going through this. Mental illness sucks and we live in a sick society that makes it hard to heal or find happiness. I hope you are able to get some answers and/or find treatment that helps. 🩷
I think so, but we didn't get anywhere helpful with it.
Yes.
Thank you for your thought and care.
You’re welcome. I empathize with the struggle.
I also saw your reply that you are pretty sedentary. I know everyone says this and it’s annoying but silly little walks for your mental health do help a bit. I recently started exercising again and am devastated to report that it does actually improve my mental health 😭 I know how hard it is when you can barely get out of bed, but if you can even make yourself just do some light stretching on a mat or go for a 10 minute walk, you might notice a bit of improvement in your symptoms. It’s okay if you can’t 🩷
A Reddit link was detected in your comment. Here are links to the same location on alternative frontends that protect your privacy.