hi, does anyone wanna make the mega in the upcoming weeks? if so, reply to this post and i'll add you to the list!

the list as it stands:

Zvyozdochka (11/4 - 11/10)
oscardejarjayes* (11/11 - 11/17)
HelltakerHomosexual* (11/18 - 11/24)
GayTuckerCarlson* (11/25 - 12/1)
Luna* (12/2 - 12/8)
Eco* (12/9 - 12/15)

EstraDoll (3/2 - 3/8)

​ * after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters

fyi the mega isn't gonna be pinned sitewide until tuesday so just come to the comm to find it

Doctor asked me if I was pregnant. I laughed and said no. He was very serious and asked if I was sure.

Sir. I have a penis. There is no uterus. Always a nice feeling to pass, I guess.

even more fucked up that i have to go to work now my wife is literally at home

would anyone here be interested in collaborating on cryptpad to write up a "Why Hexbear?" blurb for trans people for the sidebar? i know a couple people that are trying to hook hexbear into more trans spaces and having a central doc they can point to when people ask why they should switch to hexbear might be useful

would be especially helpful if you found hexbear useful for your transition and wanted to talk about it to more people

join this matrix address if youre interested : https://matrix.to/#/!fYvKJEPbxrfVxxHRPn:matrix.org?via=matrix.org we'll be using it for general propaganda activities i think

Next time a zoomer hits on me I'll scare em off by telling them I had a blockbuster card as an adult

Passed a handful of old people having a pro-Palestine protest on the way to the co-op, didn’t expect to see that in such a small town.

The lady at the co-op also asked for my ID when buying cider.

::: spoiler cw: vent about life It really sucks being poor and not being able to get a job. I have no money to go and do things, I don't have a car or any way to get around so even if I had money to do things I still wouldn't be able to, I am stuck in a meh housing arrangement, and I'm lonely as ever because social anxiety is strong and I shut down in even the smallest social interactions. I'm a mess. :::

I just got called, I have my first transcare appointment tomorrow :D

cw: trans community drama, anti-diyism

::: spoiler whats goin on over there

https://www.np.reddit.com/r/traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns2/comments/1gef8eq/so_why_is_this_guy_still_a_mod_here_disdain_for/

https://www.np.reddit.com/r/traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns2/comments/1gelig8/majority_why_arent_all_the_mods_prodiy/

god im so glad i never look at reddit anymore

:::

trans lit professor asked me yesterday "is that lenin on your shirt" (it was, in fact, lenin on my shirt)

i am very curious about how that conversation would go with her honestly

cont. cw: trans community drama, anti-diyism on reddit

::: spoiler spoiler :::

wow its almost like theres a place where you dont have to worry about what spez fucking thinks

One part of being trans that I don't like is how much time you have to spend on your transition, and how it takes away time for other stuff. I went to a laser appointment today, and then I had to pick up my Finasteride, and then I had to sign a document for starting HRT appointments, and put the next appointment in my agenda and then I had to research if it will be covered by insurance and what I exactly have to do to get the costs insured, and put the deadline for payment in my agenda.

This was today. I have a school deadline in a couple of days and I couldn't work on it yet today.

::: spoiler misgendering I know I had to wear my large sweater because it's so cold outside, but I walk in multiple times every week, surely you know it's not "thanks, man" by now :::

I fell for a (probably) straight guy again

Thesis defended. Am now Dr. Gay.

Wow I'm actially impressed that even at my older age my parents are able to make me so insecure about my body -.-

Stutters are really cute to me, dunno what the deal is.

is flirting just trying to make the other person laugh and have a good time and sexual innuendos?

is that it?

::: spoiler transphobia, transmeds I don't often doomscroll through bigoted spaces any more, and when I do I think it's mostly just funny to see their unhinged takes, but I stumbled on a transmed forum today and that shit genuinely made me sad. It's infuriating that people who have 100% suffered from gender policing decides they're now going to start gender policing others. I hadn't really looked into transmed beliefs before and now I regret knowing these people exist.

But also, I can't imagine these people are very happy. Like, they're treating this idea of "opposite sex neurology" as if it's an unquestionably true scientific fact and rely on it to feel valid (i saw someone asking if they could get a brainscan to prove they're trans lol), while the actual scientific reality is that we don't know what causes people to be trans. And why does it even matter? If you need to transition to live a fulfilled and happy life, isn't that reason enough? Why is your internal sense of self not enough to make you valid.

Also wanted to claw my eyes out when people were posting "teens shouldn't get gender affirming care" and "going through female puberty has ruined me forever" right next to each other. :::

cishet women considering a man, doing the bare minimum for child care, sexy need help asap. they are not okay

you unlock this after beating all 326 routes, last story and expert mode in shadow the hedgehog 05. I've done it so y'all can believe me

::: spoiler preening Found my favorite undies that had been missing in the back of the drawer and wearing them with my Good Ass Pants and feeling like I'm channeling potent bottom aura :::

venting about irl organising

::: spoiler its realy nothingey, it's just negative I turn my back while some people who seemingly had the right idea got into positions of power, and I put my hand up to fill a role after someone bailed mid term. It turns out the so-called-anarchists have been encouraging general membership to write articles, cool, cute idea. But I look at them, and they're poorly researched, have no analysis, meandering, nothingey, and just wrong, filled with racist assumptions. Is anarchy just when you can't tell people NO? the article this person wanted published when I came back was essentially titled "we need to make people love the country again", and it's fascist as fuck. omg (I know these people aren't actually anarchists, they're just young libs trying their best, maybe I shouldn't have dipped)

Don't even get me started on people bailing 1 month before the end of their term and suggesting we should just fold the org. I get your burnt out but OH MY FUCKING GOD. please excuse me while I scream FUCK as loudly as I can in my home.

One of the most frustrating things is that the bar for entry is so low that a bunch of unsafe "comrades" who are anti-communists, who I have kept out of other spaces, are now firmly embedded, and they complain that kicking people out is going to isolate them from community, and they'll make vague threats of self-harm, yeah cool, that's not abusive, this is fine.

Honestly everytime I stop smoking feels like the worst possible time to be doing it. I know this is all petty and silly, but wow I am just having a bad mental health week/month/year/life :::

No amount of easy listening will sooth my soul today comrades, this is a clusterfuck.

She (context) said on a voice recording:

"You're so cute. I'm gonna try and get some sleep, and I'll speak to you soon. I hope you're okay; I hope you have a good day. I love you! Byebyebye!"

God damn, my face lit up. I feel so, oh my God, I don't even know how to describe this feeling...

Everything I own is transitioning with me. I've noticed I use she/her for all of my inanimate belongings now

::: spoiler weird? idk, dysphoria It's weird how something that isn't outwardly visible to anyone else can alter my mood and behavior significantly

Wearing cute undies and I feel kinda bubbly and more femmy than usual compared to my usual dour cranky sleep deprived grandparent vibe

I wish I wasn't a garish oaf and had somewhere fun to be because meeting a cute person to flirt with IRL sounds appealing today

:::

Update on the girl I'm kinda crushing on, I think I maybe messed up. I met her for coffee today, and at one point I was telling a story and she interjected just to tell me I'm very cute, so maybe that means she's interested in me too. But because I'm a loser I didn't know how to respond so I just looked down and smiled and kept yapping and now I'm worried that if she was flirting, she might think I'm disinterested or rude because I didn't reciprocate.

::: spoiler preening Stopping in front of the mirror and realizing, damn i’m hot. Literally whenever I see a mirror now I am kind of transfixed with how I look…might have a mirror kink now. :::

I don't know why I hate that the dates in the title are written as fractions. It's fine, it's very clear that they're dates but I saw them and was instantly like

I don't understand why I have such strong feelings about such an extremely unimportant stylistic choice, but here we are!

getting disqualified from no nut november after i was caught using performance enhancing drugs (estrogen)

I think modern halloween is one of the dubs America can have. that shit is fun, and there's a reason it has caught on all over the place. my dad refused to take me trick or treating as a kid calling it American shit, so I had to get neighbour to take me with their kids, and it was damn fun every time

This tuck tape fucking rocks, I can swim again

Can't go to the bathroom with it cause it ain't sticky, but sacrifices must be made to wear a one piece

::: spoiler facial hair of days past

Oddly gender affirming teaching my transmasculine comrade how to do a wet shave for his face. Glad someone gets to use that knowledge know that I no longer need it. Wet shaving was one of the few rituals that I enjoyed when I had the facial hair, always felt so nice to whip up the warm foam and earn the smooth face.

:::

::: spoiler kinda sadposting

Really fighting the i am fundamentally unwantable thoughts today . Literally only because I felt awkward earlier while at a friends place and now im just holding back the flood of thoughts and ruminations and anxieties. I just want to be comfortable with my friends, but ive got too many maladaptive processes, and my maladaptive processes dont interface well with everyone elses (i guess thats part of why their maladaptive now and not just adaptive anymore...).

::: spoiler entertaining my ruminations

I have a really deep seated belief that i am unwantable . That any expression of wanting to be around me is a lie, or intended to be deceptive. I know its not true, but, well, under duress we regress . And when im stressed or anxious or feel awkward my ability to counter that thought goes out the window. Like its not even a thought, its axiomatic . And i cant seem to do anything about it! Im aware of it, i try to counter it by ignoring it, by ignoring my discomfort, but it never goes away, and I dont know what steps to take to change that process.

People ask me about it sometimes, but i just and tell them its nothing, im fine; I dont want to make my friends deal with my weird shit. Like, when im in these spaces I require an explicit "i want to spend time with you and will be sad if you leave " (yes the hug is included in the quotes, i require hugs) in order to not feel bad guilty and shameful for existing near my friends. But they shouldnt have to say that; i should be able to understand "feel free to hang out if you want" actually is an invitation, and not a thinly veiled attempt to get me to leave.

Fuck my brain

Here is a portrait I drew of me and my brain:

Just got back from a show, it was the first show ive been to in years. It was so fun!!! Like 90% trans people, it was perfect ^^ felt actually comfy there, surrounded by beautiful trans people and listening to power violence ^^

I think I'm developing feelings for a man who's already in a relationship. Fuck

Who wants to go Halloween costume shopping with me and by Halloween costume shopping I mean finding a single fucking good woman's outfit for regular wear

So got these sour noodles at the dollar store, vegan as far as I can tell and they taste pretty great.

::: spoiler dysphoria I have come to realize that I am significantly more affected by dysphoria than I thought. I realized how much of a prison guyness feels like and how much I hate feeling like one. I feel like I'm always a little bit aware of what I look like and what I sound like and it makes human interaction feel so much harder. :::

First thing in the morning, show some trans comrade love.

Being told saying that saying holding hands is is a played out joke is disheartening. Who said I was joking those are some of the best dreams I've had

::: spoiler gendered language musing? Idk workshopping, indirectly flirty "Good girl"

"Good boy"

"Good... bee?" 🐝

(idk I kinda think "bee" as short for enby sounds cute) :::

Had a dream where I went to sleep

The fuck does that mean??

It finally fucking happened: a white hair in my brush 😖😭

The purple is just as pretty as I hoped Its a little glittery too, feels amazing.

Got some dark purple nail polish today, really looking forward to it. I've been wanting purple for a while now

When I look at old pictures of myself I see a guy now, pretty cool stuff.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! People keep changing plans and its super overwhelming!!!!!!!! My fun family time has turned into me curling up and crying far away from everyone because the plans kept changing rapidly and everything was so confusing

::: spoiler whining, dysphoria Showering is awful, I hate being alone with my thoughts and horrible body. Being reminded of all the things I hate about it. The dysphoria, the scars, everything.

Also can't shave for shit. Not sure how I'm supposed to when I can't even see what I'm doing. The perfect way to ruin a good mood. :::

Hoping comrades @ashinadash@hexbear.net and @magi@hexbear.net are doing okay.

I’m definitely part of skirt gang now, ya’ll. Got so many compliments and some creepy old men staring at me, which i’ll still take as a win.

DICTATORSHIP OF THE QUEER

Well, we voted to reject the proposal. So, unless the government changes very rapidly... we voted to strike.

I think my housemates are coming to hate me, they never seen to want to talk to me or spend time with me and always make plans with each other without including me. They don't seem to be interested in me or my life at all. They make decisions about the house without me and then just expect me to pay for things they buy for the house. One of them is a very good friend of ten years, and I think living with me has made him dislike me.

I've been spending a lot of time in my room alone lately because they seem to not want to talk to or see me. And I don't really want to see people who don't want to see me.

::: spoiler cw: transphobia/homophobia, unhinged parents, vent Listening to my mom go on and on about how queer and trans folk need to be thrown into mental institutions because "they want to get extra privileges that 'normal' people don't even have to accommodate their disgusting lifestyles" and other things like "they're trying to rewrite our language by saying we're not allowed to say things like queer or [insert slur], like they're just words grow up!". Like please , I am begging you for the sake of my mental health :::

I just scheduled my first hair appointment under my girl name and she/her pronouns.

I've always hated getting my haircut, so I'm more than a little anxious about going. The salon is queer friendly, but it still took like an hour to work up the courage to schedule it. They even ask for pronouns in the booking interface.

not going out tonight, too busy singing a meatball marinara song to my dog

thinking about that home made pesto pasta I had the otther day again. damn that shit was so good. fresh basil just has such a smell and absolute powerful verdant look to it in pesto

Noooooooo, it's cold war time in history class again. I'm already hearing about soviets trying to conquer the world, and the war happening between "democratic capitalism" vs "authoritarian communism". I ALREADY DID THIS BIT LAST SEMESTER, PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME DO IT AGAIN

seeing random chuds say 'deeply unserious' now we're so owned

Wearing lolita to class for the first time using the cover of halloween, feel amazingly cute rn

Did my nails and blindly mixed a black with an iridescent top coat called “unicorn.” Ended up with kind of acid green/night sky color. Quite delightful and unexpected.

Cleaned my earholes with hydrogen peroxide and now kirby 64 ost sounds even better

I'm looking up at the mirror on my bedroom door and I see a girl on her bed. It's freaking me out a bit but in a good way. This same human I've become so acquainted with seeing, I'm actually successfully conceptualizing her as a woman without going "ughghg but I look like a guy." This is so bizarre, but sooooooo cool

Damn I should've started injections nine years ago lmfao (along with progesterone I'm seeing some decent breast growth)

::: spoiler Talk of sex drive on estrogens, masturbation Before I didn't like horniness on testosterone because of how often I felt the need to get off, and overall I think I'm some form of ace so that made it worse. On estrogen I rarely feel horney and its so nice. I can just go like 2 weeks without getting off and just be fine, and when I do get horny, I actually like it :::

::: spoiler bottom dysphoria, masturbation Main problem is I still get erections. Even if I just stimulate the tip I still get them, so maybe a vibrator will help me idk. Just having a dick and balls just annoys me, and having to see them if I want to have fun times is frustersting.

Also I still get random erections and it sucks :::

Another pair of jeans down

Thighs too thick 😔✊️

there needs to be some sort of "how to cry guide" for trans creatures,,,,, we have yet to figure it out

I have a sudden urge to kiss girls

One day I will upgrade from a "service dog in training" and become a "service dog"

I remember one time I went out in public with eyeliner and painted nails this old white woman came up to me and said as sweetly as possible "Jesus loves you" before walking away. Chat what does this mean

no clue what we're going to do with our hair still >~< so complicated

Me when I feel less anxious/more certain about HRT when people treat it positively instead of like I'm poisoning myself

Starting as soon as the pharmacy ships to me. Feel a little bad not telling my mom about it but if she wanted to be in the loop maybe she shouldn't have reacted so drastically¯⁠\⁠(⁠°⁠_⁠o⁠)⁠/⁠¯ plus my family doesn't tell me things all the time so not like they're some shining example

sigh

if i want a GF i have to download shudders the apps, don't I?

yeah :(

Dreamt I got turned into a snail but I wasn't like the rest of y'all I was and doing what I could to evade capture. My spirit was still strong I was a badass mollusk

I think I can manage bottom dysphoria if I can find a way to never have spontaneous erections again 🤔

Thinking about the time I texted my sister "okay but what if I was trans" one evening, and then the next morning followed it up with a good 'ol "lol nvm."

And now here we are like a year later.

Boys cute.

Almost crying today realizing just how far I've already gone. Something happened two years ago that should have signaled me toward transitioning, but I got here eventually 🥹

Obligatory: Best decision of my life :niko-dance:

My dad really gives me vibes sometimes, I swear. He saw that I was growing new hair, and said maybe he should get on E. Jokingly, of course, all in good fun. Would never actually do it, right? This is exactly how I started

::: spoiler so... This is mostly a bit, but I'm covering my bases and I wouldn't be surprised. Like, 2/4 kids are trans, can't this be somewhat genetic sometimes? :::

My girl shorts arrived and I’m in love with the way I look in them 🥹 but I might have to get tucking panties or some shit like that if I ever want to wear them outside my bedroom 🥲 I was worried medium might be too small but it’s just right and maybe even a little loose lol

cost for me and my partner to get the train to the town nearby: £18

cost for me and my partner to drive, then park for six hours (inc. fuel): £11

Not trans related but I want few things more than to neuralyze math knowledge from the general populace so we can break this cycle of math being taught and retaught in the stupid ass way it's currently being done.

I actually scheduled a consult with a voice coach. It's been like, idk a year now and I have made no progress with my voice so hoping that a voice coach can help me. Only problem is that I'm not out at work so I will not be able to go full time with my voice :(

car is fixed for reals this time

My cat is being chaotic again, running around, trying to stop me from getting work done. She's restless, but she finally settled down and is watching me type this. Unfortunately for her, I have to get up now. Sorry, Lenore

Put on my old grey sweatpants (only a few years old tbh) and

:::spoiler spoiler GODDAMN MY ASS IS FAT :::

Can't really wear my old clothes anymore IG. estrogen is magic fr

Thank you for your call, we are experiencing higher than normal call volumes...

I don't think I've called a big company since like 2009 where they weren't experiencing "higher than normal call volumes." On the one hand, it makes sense that I'd be calling during their busy times I guess. But every time?

I still miss sharing a bed with someone else 😭

Not even for sex or for cuddles, just the light snoring and warmth is what I miss the most

🎀 Dresspost #7 is up 🎀

Very glad that I finally found the time to do this, had a lot of fun with this one. I think at this point I'm gonna give up even trying to have these be vaguely regular occurrences since it seems like I just can't do them when I have schoolwork the same week, but when I have a nice open slot of time I love to throw them together.

Homosexual Desire in Revolutionary Russia

Well... if I were to ever do one of those "self publish e-book slop on Amazon" things... I've got a title for the series.

I remember being pretty good at linear algebra once, calculus never really stuck though. I vaguely remember it all like a dream but maybe if I could get some materials I've no real use for it but prob beats being a gamer

::: spoiler bottom dysphoria Shaved my pubes for the first time and saw just much my dick stands out. It looks like it's a foreign object that doesn't belong there. It gave me more of a feeling how much bottom dysphoria I have, and it's more than before. I don't know how I'm going to have sex with guys with that thing in the way. :::

Some days I wish I was cis

think I've found baseline, maybe

I've been playing so much violin I'm getting callouses on my finger tips, it's nice not to hurt as much (they still hurt) but they feel so weird

The fact that I had vegan mac and tofu tonight coupled with the fact that I didn't have any last night makes tonight leagues better than last night.

I don't know if I'm gullible or naive, is it childlike wonder/innocence or I'm just dumb I'm middle aged (32) if that helps.

who says depression has to be seasonal? it's still 80 degrees here and i feel like shit

Me these past days

It's a "cuddling with a person who's like a foot taller than me would be really fucking soothing right now ngl" kind of night

My boss came back from a somatic experiencing thing and I feel like it gave her some kind of soul vision. she reads me so easy...

"It seems like there's something in you that you just need to shed..."

I wonder if she can tell and is just trying to prod me along. It feels weird to have such positive feelings for her because of the power dynamic and yet here I am

Oh shit, didn't notice some of the new emotes!

is really cute

I'm probably gonna get a lot of mileage out of

I just had someone I normally respect tell me "I've only seen white people take your position" when I said that I wouldn't cast my vote for genocidal Democrats, were I an American. While they were also claiming that voting for Harris is critical to protecting the American trans community.

I can't even fathom a response to this.

::: spoiler gucci gang but it's estrogen

estrogen, estrogen, estrogen, estrogen, estrogen, estrogen, estrogen

nintendo sues palworld not for blatantly copied pokemon designs but for "patent violations"

gamefreak leaks

leaks full of pokemon x human lore

in a slump recently. zero spoons. send spoons. feels like the seasonal depression is just a binary switch that got flicked when the weather started to turn lol. i am chronically depressed but it will kick my ass worse during the winter. gonna try do some journalling or something mindful. love all my trans comrades

fourth lasering done, the doc continues to be surprised by my lack of reaction to pain, little does he know that my spine is tingling the entire time

anyway, the state will sponsor one more go and then I'll have to pay myself...and uhh, i checked the prices lmao no dice with my current monetary situation. Goddamn but i just adore this bullshit system we live under

up with trans

this man is a menace

::: spoiler nostalgia/regret? I attended an event at my high school, and seeing people do things I used to do makes me feel a sense of nostalgia and simultaneously regret. I never thought I would feel like this, but the note that goes on the more I regret not transitioning earlier. I had most of the mental pieces I needed when I was in school, and I just wasn't able to get past certain mental blocks, or bring myself to care. I feel nostalgia, not entirely for what happened, but for what could have been, what I could have done, how much I could have lived. Instead I made my way through school mostly as a husk going through the motions, mistaking getting better at doing that for living.

I already came to terms with all of this, and I understand that things happen a certain way, and my life might have been different if I transitioned earlier. I could never resist thinking about alternate history, but now I do it for myself as well. :::

I once again posted before journaling. Sorry for venting 😅

Thinking about how Dr K said people are more attracted to each other if they experience emotions together and analyzing my whole life through the lens of empathy. How I rarely am affected the same way by common situations and don’t have common feelings rub off on me. How I don’t know how to show other people how I’m feeling in a recognizable way if I am under the impression there is a common feeling. Basically explaining why being terminally online is easy and socializing in real life is not.

lets goooo catgirl emojis

I'm wearing a sun dress for Halloween and my costume is "person who refuses to let go of summer".

(really, I just want to wear the dress tho)

Is gender euphoria the right term for me when I'm happy that I feel agender? Idk but I feel very happy when I look at the agender flag and think "that me lol"

My anxiety turned into rage, so today I’ll be alternating between and .

had the energy to get some chores done in the garden today ^_^

There's a solid layer of dirt on my face, except for where the KN95 mask was.

It's been so dry, and it makes leafblowing so dusty 😖

My dreams the last two nights have been really dark. Not scary/nightmares, just very upsetting subjects. Really hope this doesn't become a pattern.

Someone keeps throwing stuff at my apartment. This is the 3rd floor up, this is like the 3rd rock they've hucked up this way over the past couple months. i have no idea who I've offended or how but quit throwing rocks at my place

Why does it hurt so much seeing him leave with someone else?

He didn’t even give me a hug goodbye

“Fuck gaming who has time for that shit.”

Spends at least three hours straight on TikTok and not even being interested or entertained.

Uh oh it has only been 3 days since I was last high and I am craving weed again. I may have a problem here

No spoons today and they haven’t been coming back.

Curly's making the allstar team for cat hockey, his GAA% is fantastic

Humans are peculiar creatures.

Went to a show last night that a bunch of people I know were working/performing in. Tons of compliments on the dress and there was a costume contest at the intermission. I fumbled the explanation of my costume but got to do a little runway walk and twirl, pull my skirt up, and flash my ass. Got a booty-specific compliment after that. Overall, highly recommend putting on your best shit and serving at the local weird performance space.

Update on talking to agency muckymucks about my transphobic coworker: he said the Facebook posts were accidental, and that he just has the technology aptitude of a boomer, and the real issue was him friending a coworker and getting caught.

Of course, he's also very explicitly ignoring all the trans women he works with here, so now I'm gathering accounts to bring that up to management.

I hate bra shopping. I have been wearing the same bra for nearly 5 years. It is now too small because I switched to CPA (also it's old lol) and I am sore as hell and where I used to be ok wearing it all day now I need to get the silly thing off at 2pm. How do I even start shopping online? Last time I measured it was kind of all over the place since I didn't really have a round shape. I remember it being a fucking ordeal last time in a department store trying to find something that fit me. Since I just switched to CPA a month ago, is it better to wait until the pain settles before upgrading since I'm not sure how much development I have left in me?

Basically, how y'all measuring?

I really wish I lived in a world where the rizzler was on jimmy fallon. Idk why this is on the mind.

caught up on the 2 latest miniminuteman videos. he put out a cool one on the social history of vampires in Europe. and oh my GOD I want to kiss that man so badly. why do I only ever form this sort of parasocial attraction to masc presenting youtubers? this is like the third time, it's always a dude

down with cis

Going places with family is always so confusing, fam always like that cashier/waitress was checking you out or flirting with you were you not interested? is all I can say but even that isn't fair since some of my most spreadsheet/train loving friends got game. I've no clue how to flirt and when confided to friends of my crushes I'm just too subtle.

i made everyone in tracha watch the rizzler on jimmy fallon with me... feeling loved and appreciated right now

::: spoiler CW: Family trouble, dysphoria, sad

Spending time this weekend with my family visiting for the thesis defense has been painful. I'm not out to them yet, so this is just the "regular" nagging and disrespect I see from them, my father and one of my sisters especially. Finally had the courage to tell off my dad, at least via text, although the message was softened.

I've spent the last two hours wanting to cry. The tears are welling up, but they don't release. This should be a happy weekend. I put in so much effort and time and I just feel so bad. :::

Feeling dsyphoric

Does Disco Elysium have therapeutic properties? Does conducting internal monologue to myself in the way Volition talks really help or am I imagining it?

gonna have to use a less-salty vegan butter substitute next time I make shortbread

::: spoiler Fire Emblem, Trans Mentioned 🏳️‍⚧️

You know I'm not ashamed of the way I dress, Corrin. And I feel I should show that confidence and pride in public. The only way the world will grow more tolerant is to see people like me. ...See us living, loving, and being both our unique selves and quite ordinary. When we're not invisible, we can become part of the pattern—woven into the fabric.

-- Forrest in a support conversation with Corrin (the avatar character)

This is the same game that doesn't allow for homosexual marriage unless it's a Corrinsexual, has gender-locked classes (including for this character, he has to wear masc clothes for certain classes), and has ZERO characters outside of the gender binary. The only gender-diverse representation in this game (Fire Emblem: Fates) is the character speaking the quote above, Forrest, a boy who's non-conforming in his gender presentation. What's cool about Forrest, though, is that he breaks the gender-lock on one of the specific classes that used to be locked to women (Troubadour, essentially a cleric on a horse). As I said above though, fuck him if he wants to be the butler/maid class, he has to experience dysphoria as a butler.

Doing some research on trans characters in Fire Emblem, and somehow one of the best examples comes from the disaster for the human race that was Fire Emblem: Fates. I can only think of one other decent example in the official series, Intelligent Systems needs to step up their game. :::

I want to be a homemaker. Cooking and cleaning are so fun because I’m in control (of my sense environment, energy expenditure, ideals, interests, etc), making progress of sorts, and alone.

I'm very close to getting HRT thanks to appointments being made but I still feel the most dysphoric I've felt in a long time. I think it's because I'm so close that I have a stronger need for HRT which causes more frustration and more dysphoria

I keep crushing on girls I see once in class and don't talk to this is fucked

Thinking about buying some fairy lights for my room, is aliexpress alright? I don't have experience buying electronics from there so I'm not sure of good strategy to make sure its electrically safe

I can't fall asleep for anything tonight, so I'm just laying here trying not to worry about transition stuff. Dysphoria is hitting really hard too. Two hours waiting so far. Also fun to remember how bad I feel when I don't sleep enough.

::: spoiler Kittenposting 💕 🐈‍⬛ 🐈‍⬛ 🐈‍⬛ 🐈‍⬛ 💕 Rosie says

Goggles' pro tip of the day: switching to your other bowl is always faster than refilling (and you can use the empty bowl as a chair to sit in while you eat out of the second bowl)

Curly's culinary review of the day: his paw tastes like paw :::

::: spoiler depressing thoughts making myself fucking sick thinking about what-ifs. what if i never transitioned, what if i never got the chance to be the woman i am now, what if the rizzler was never on jimmy fallon...?

sorry, i just needed to get it off my chest... :::

big article about transfemininity & plurality comes out

it's from a structural dissociation pov

It is actually impossible for me to keep my bangs out of my eyes right now. Really should try and trim them up or something.

ANTI CISGENDER AKTION

I've developed a habit over the last month or so of getting nauseaus before I take and while taking my meds orally. Unsure why, but its frustrating given the amount I need to take in the morning

about a week on prog now and oohhh, i think i'm feeling it now, Mr. Krabs

I hate how little I can cry ::: spoiler bottom dysphoria I obviously can't do anything about what I've got down there so the least this body could do is let me cry about it. god I want a vulva instead. Why did it have to go and do this instead :/ just upset right now I guess. :::

Just hyperfocused together a flawless CPC hat and red book :3 The stitching is beautiful and the fabric just happened to be perfectly cut. I hope I’m not too sleepy for Halloween.

Got myself a wireless keyboard to go along with my wireless mouse, I connected my computer to my tv so here I am typing like a big shot from bed no more typing with the on screen keyboard

i just started playing Fallout London and I hit "female" body type in the character creator and it gave me a male body? wtf this game just clocked me and I got the TERF island treatment

Sent a text expressing my feelings to the girl I like and now I have to wait for a response, which is the worst thing about expressing your love...

God dammit the anxiety. At least it's not as bad as before I transitioned when I sought relationships primarily for validation.

fuck canker sores

Got my epilator. The pain is significantly less than manual tweezing, so not bad at all. It's a cheaper one, so it needs to be plugged in and is a bit tough to clean, but I have been able to clear up my arms and hands at least.

EDIT: Also, when I use my cats come over and just watch me with concern. It's very cute.

Wearing a black (vegan) leather skirt with a cami and denim jacket tonight. Didn’t think I would become a skirt woman, but here we are.

::: spoiler talking about tiddies again yep, it's been a week and the prog is already clearly working. my nipples were not that puffy last week and i can really, really feel it working :::

Outside a planned parenthood waiting for it to open so I can do my HRT consult thingy. They never sent me a confirmation email so if I woke up at 5:45 on my day off only to be told to schedule a new appointment for two weeks from now I'm gonna be might upset

Trying to focus all my anxiety on that element of this rather than all the other scary parts

Guitarheads of the trans mega, what is the best way to go about getting an electric guitar when I don't have a lot of money to spend? Also what's the best amp for a beginner?

(I'm interested in electric bass too so if anyone has tips on that, also appreciated.)

Re-styled my hair (mostly just changing where the part is) and did full makeup (eyeliner, concealer, foundation, light lipstick, mascara).

Hmm, I almost look like a girl. WAIT I ALMOST LOOK LIKE A GIRL

I do think I'm giving up on eyeliner though, that shit is difficult and after finally being able to do my makeup myself I'm not about to forsake it all to attempt liquid liner. Do have a brown eyeliner pencil I'm excited to try, as well as some color correction for the stuff that needs to get burned off later

I love that these emojis exist so much

Looking at myself in the work meeting video call and can’t stop thinking about how much better I’d look with some eyeshadow 🤔

Oh my god, Chappel Roan in that suit of armor, chainmail booty, when did chainmail get sexy???

How did I get stuck working another fall back over night AGAIN.

Tried logging into hexbear from the computer, but it says my login credentials are incorrect.
I’m like 99% sure they aren’t tho.

I think I might be a straight girl and not bi like I thought. Did any of you come out as straight, when others thought you liked the same gender?

texting the weed guy for a treat for halloween... been on a 6 week break which I think is my longest in 5 years lol, excited to see how my body reacts

We interrupt your posting to make an important accouncement:

I think I'm officially following thought. It's time to admit to myself that AMAB (all men are bad) is not true. It's time to include them into the theoretical framework as well

I say theory because in terms of praxis, there is no praxis, but there wasn't praxis for anything, soooo...

::: spoiler bit Doesn't matter, romace and especially sex are revisionist anyway, and go against the volcel oath I pride myself upon. I will uphold it, for my sake, for the sake of the immortal science of Marxism-Leninism, as well as its highest and most developed stage, Marxism-Leninism-Maoism :::

crying incoherently about "girls pretty" again

What's the correct thing to do for new megathreads to make sure they get site-wide pinned?

This Halloween turned out to be pretty good, possibly the best I've ever had. Ended up hanging out with my sister and one of her friends, and it was so much fun. Ended up actually wearing a costume as well, which I wasn't expecting to be able to do!

Burst into tears of various different emotions, I just haven't felt like this in a long time, if I've ever at all, and I was totally expecting this Halloween to be just another day.

Thanks, sis

::: spoiler oh fuck... MY SCHOOLWORK THAT'S DUE IN 2 HOURS :::

Had a pretty bad tummy ache all morning until I ate a banan 🤔

LEBRON JAMES ESTRADOLL REPORTEDLY FORGOT TO PROPERLY DRY HER KNIT FABRICS BY DRYING FLAT INSTEAD OF JUST THROWING IT ALL IN THE DRYER, KNIT SWEATERS REPORTEDLY STRETCHED OUT A LITTLE

I find myself trying to theory craft gay little posts to farm gay little comments to my posts but I have run dry

Have the machine girl "guys" transitioned yet?

watched ~too~ ~many~ make some noise shorts on youtube and my cheeks hurt from all the silent laughing i had to do

gemder <3

Saw epilator posting, and it reminded me that I might need to break it out again, and I dread the thought. Even though I have an IPL in my house, I didn't realize just how racist it could be. I thought it just wouldn't work if skin was darker, which OK, it's worth a try, my skin isn't pale white but it's not super dark either, but apparently IPL can BLEACH SKIN??? Please tell me this doesn't actually happen most of the time

In the parallel universe I'm from, it was always called the Mandala Effect

tired

Holy mother of shitballs batman! My twatwaffle brain is giving me a heckin gender dysphoriarino

Another Jesus metaphor :madeline-stare:

the god damn rizzler was on jimmy fallon. still reeling

webfishing is so cozy we need more creatures to play it wif >~<

Up.late gaming with tha boys 😎

What is happening in gender today, comrades?

I am continuing to tinker with having nixos on a oneplus 6, in spite of adhd

Just need to get it to boot successfully, and from that it'll be much easier, writing out config and resolving the issues as they appear

Realizing that I don’t really get addicted to things, I just spend short periods really “stuck” on them. Thus, I must focus energy on avoiding unhealthy situations I get trapped in rather than trying to fight “temptation” once I’m trapped.

pee pee

Impressed the cashier with my sheer brain muscles by confidently adding up to 20 walked out the store with 16 lbs of spaghetti with such confidence and swagger. This is how hunter gathers felt after a successful hunt I feel

::: spoiler my hilarious new twist on the current hawk tuah trend cawk puah, shit on that thing :::

🎵No shadow
No stars
No moon
No cars
November

It only believes
In a pile of dead leaves
And a moon
That's the color of bone 👻💀

Well, she responded and said she only wants to be friends. Not my ideal outcome but it's one I can accept. There are many forms love can take, and friendship is one of them.

Maybe she'll change her mind in the future. I won't count on it though. Eventually I'll find someone else who meets my expectations, though it could be some time before that happens considering how high she's set the bar. I will except nothing less though.

Oh yeah, also beginning to cook my mega post a month in advance. There's no way I'm going to finish FE: TMGC in a month with how busy I am, so it's going to be something a bit different 🧐

Do you believe this shit Ton'? She's walking around acting like she's a fucking dog or something

Looking through my journal, as I do whenever the date is somewhat significant. Went back to June/July era, and I was so cute and hopeful . I was excited to get on HRT because it would make me look pretty (my words, not mine), and I screamed (wrote in all caps) that my breasts were going to grow (again, my words, not mine). These two phrases essentially lined a whole page of my composition notebook of a journal, I was so hyped! Well, look at me now, making progress

I'm still hopeful for the future, very much so, but I've lived like this for a few months now. It feels like an amazing new normal. There's just something about it being new, though. The extreme levels of enthusiasm, excitement, and hope I recorded, while at the same time wondering what's on the other side, not knowing what's to come. It's better now, but it's amazing to look back on how I was a few months ago.

TL;DR, start keeping a journal if you don't already. It can serve many purposes, and it allows for looking back at the good things, and venting about the bad things. I never thought I would be able to journal, and that I wasn't much of a journalist, but I started, made it a thing I did every day, and I've only missed two days in my approx. 175 days of journaling.

::: spoiler me's weird morning, CW anxiety, drugs So I was sick the past few days. I ate some stuff that made me feel weird, and it kinda broke my digestive system. Meal planning fail. We banned that recipe, don't worry.

I've also been really stressed the past few days. To the point where I have been having nightmares where I'd wake up in a panic - one of them was even about a time I was in middle school and went to sit down with my friends for lunch and they all got up and walked away after I sat down - classic... lots of causes for this anxiety that I won't list here, but I have to do some big changes at work soon and it's been eating me how to accomplish that is a big one.

Last night I didn't sleep very well (just like the nights before), and when I woke up again today and felt my stomach just hurting again (this is probably eating food too heavy last night) I knew I had to call in sick. So I did, decided to watch someone play both Zelda CDi games (lol, you have to bomb the boulders ten times, fucking classic, gets 'em every time, tbh I think I like Wand of Gamelon better it feels more like a world than Faces of Evil).

But Partner suggested I try this CBD gummy thing since he takes them to help him sleep when he starts to get insomnic phases. 25mg. Usually it doesn't do anything for me at all, so I just kinda wrote it off. Plus, it's not psychoactive anyway (CBD isn't supposed to be), but I was desperate and I trust him.

At some point after taking it, my tummy stopped hurting (I'm relatively sure this was made way worse by anxiety), and I started to relax a bit?? Then I finally was really tired. Eventually I slept and had three dreams that would normally hugely provoke anxiety (if you're curious, 1. Having a difficult conversation with my boss, 2. wasps being anywhere near me, 3. being in a crowded public place with people looking at me, also with my mom, this last one was great, I was kinda just proud of who I was??) but was totally zen. I woke up feeling the long-coveted feeling of "no matter what happens in the future, I will be okay." fuck how do I get like this all the time, fuck anxiety tbh lol

Chat, for a good few hours I had no anxiety. I didn't realize how bad it had built up recently, but for a few hours it was completely gone. I had some bad experiences with THC recently, and like I said the CBD shit never really does anything for me usually as far as I knew, but today I am glad for the funny plant.

Or maybe it was watching the vids, idk, lol. End post :::

I'm doing the thing again, where I'm excited to go get my blood work done, get my E dose raised, and get a new medication. In reality, either nothing will fundamentally change (TM) with E, or it will get lowered again. Still hoping I might be able to get prog, although I believe that means I have to drop last time's new med (Spiro).

::: spoiler prog https://tankie.tube/videos/watch/0f61b159-8af5-464d-a138-0479ab22505a

https://tankie.tube/videos/watch/1e9e2df7-99d2-4eea-b565-b9a15b46ddc3 :::

rizzler just opened his mouth, someone get him on jim fallon right now

listening to weezer blue album 30 year anniversary. i have thoughts and i will post them

::: spoiler weezer 30 year anniversary review in as few words as possible - DISC 1 my name is jonas - not problematic but emblematic of the Weezer desire to be a boy man playing with toys

no one else - this one is like half an Across the Sea. the chorus is so fucked. i'm convinced Rivers Cuomo would keep a woman on a leash if he could get away with it as a public figure

the world has turned and left me here - i still love this one. i don't know if it's the instrumentation or knowing that Rivers Cuomo was sad when he wrote it but it's one of my favs off this album

buddy holly - I Am Sick Of Buddy Holly

undone (the sweater song) - i am also sick of this one but less so. i also don't like imagining Rivers Cuomo naked

surf wax america - it's not the same style as a Beach Boys song but it gives me the same feeling. i love this song so much, the "all along the undertow" part is my fav

say it ain't so - this song was very important to me as a kid and helped me process a lot of emotions. i'm sick of it now but it's good

in the garage - this is my favorite weezer boy man toy song. i still sing along to the chorus

holiday - vampire weekend had a better song called Holiday. this is a genuine 5/10 and is like drinking room temperature water, to me.

only in dreams - this is one of the standouts on this album and i love it to this day. it's just slow and meditative, you get to sit with it for like 7 minutes. dreamlike. perfect

my name is jonas live version - slow it down, weezer. for christ's sake. it was too much

in the garage live version - the organ on this one is fucking cool. i really like how they transformed the song

no one else live version - it sounds different and i would like to believe it's because Rivers Cuomo sees himself at age 50 still singing this song

surf wax america live version - i still love it :) good job to the fellas. edit: the organs make this song omg. what the fuck

buddy holly acoustic/live - imagine going to the shittiest party ever and you see people sitting in a circle singing buddy holly. that's this song

undone sweater song live acoustic - i actually really love them breaking down buddy holly from before at the beginning. the sound is very modest mouse. they are very sad and contemplative about the sweater, even 30 years later :::

::: spoiler Rosieposting 🌹🐈‍⬛💕🐒 Do not touch Rosie's monkey

It is hers :::

hehe... hammers

Countries aren’t real, they were invented by Count Traë at the congress of Westphalia to sell more treaties

mood

::: spoiler shitpost "We've actually got their joie de vivre up right here..."

💊👩‍⚕️

🏥⚕️📉 🩺

"What's it say?"

"It says you're gay."

"...fuck!" :::

anyone know of any good tucking underwear thats all cotton? friend is asking

Mario teaches typing taught me how to type just now, been yelling at my mic this whole time and let me tell you have to say every part of the emoji to get it to display was annoying

Just struggling lately, I'm going to bed early tonight. Goodnight Mega.

Gonna continue to hype myself up for my ability to count and read, we in the confidence arc tonight I'll read a physical book for 10 minutes.

Damn I'm really tired 🥱

Have a Good Night and a Happy Halloween, everyone!

Bum ass bums in New York

This new blues clues guy they have is fucking hot

Good Morning Mega

the rizzler on jimmy fallon

Made my puter a bit stronger by turning some stuff off and I can play around with dolphin pretty good. Got back into playing sonic and the secret rings the game is so good and anyone who says it's bad just sucks at playing. Beat it before with the wiimote on og hardware now playing with a controller is even more fun . I was set for a while 100%ing all the 3d sonic games so with the adventure games done, heroes, and shadow and 06 now I move on to finishing the storybook games.

My car still using my chest like platforms meant to be stepped on and jumped off of. I love her, but OW 😖

might buy some bulbs to plant in my garden

Looking at that one hair immediately under my nostril that my razor can't reach and I can hear it doing the "this is where we hold them" speech from 300

It's not even November yet and we get out first snowstorm plus it's already pitch black for half the day... Ugh 😫 how do people NOT get seasonally depressed?

feeling very powerful honestly

Not gonna lie, having some semblance of a skincare routine feels pretty good, even if it's just washing my face, applying makeup, wiping makeup off, washing face, and then applying aftershave after I shave and after I wash my face. It's kind of fun, and not annoying and painful. Death to body/facial hair, shaving (or epilating) is not nearly as fun

Made some bread and the way I scored it looks like a

i wait months between running sudo pacman -Syu on my laptop 😎 it's probably fine. if it borks i just get to install a new os which is fun anyway

pee pee

So, I guess my hair always being in my face didn't change with the new style. Now it's in my face from both sides instead of one...

Please grow so I can either keep you behind my ears or up in a ponytail. Take my energy, please and kindly

Mandated overtime

The pay is not worth

Good Night Mega :niko-yawn:

making a shipping chart but for megathread posters

Before disco elysium I've talked to myself in my head plenty with distinct voices but after I played the game I've realized I can have even more voices going it takes some effort to get going and fuck me whenever someone interrupts because it take a while for me to pull it back together but damn if it isn't fun

Going on a show called “The Ultimatum” when your relationship is only a year and a half old is kind of crazy to me.
What are you so desperate about?

My hungry ass could not be a banker 🤑

"I post better when I'm tired" still being a fact of life for me. Maybe I was meant to be sleep-deprived and without energy...

oh wow

AJ, Big Justice and The Rizzler are gonna be on Jimmy Fallon tonight

what if dababy and the rizzler crossed paths...

wow how'd you get the dates to look like that in the title

I took up too many projects, lots of home decoration, I finally put up curtains so they look half decent and had to repair the frame first, redid the hideous particle board counters with some AE wallpaper (so far so good), and the other day I wallpapered the bathroom since my aunt doesn't want me to paint the atrocity, I managed to win a bid on a bunch of laptops to part out and flip or maybe even use, I need to do body work on my rusty new old truck, and I have too many hours at both jobs. Idk what I was thinking I'm going to die.

That's just the start of the projects, there was also rearrange furniture in my room while my dad babysits my cat since she wouldn't stand for it. I need to get all the bs done in my room before I have to collect my cat or else she'll flip out.

What are everyone’s Halloween plans?

I did my partying last week, dressed as Elvira Mistress of The Dark. Today i’m off work, so i’m visiting an old friend, gonna hit up a Sephora and use my gift card, and then see a Halloween parade. The veil is thin, ya’ll.

Happy Halloween!

Hope it’s a good one.

And all was right in the world...

At least for many living in the U.S.

Death to DST

Banger Halloween

Controversial Take: Apple phones are better than Android phones, and it feels like android phones hate their users.

Sent from my anDroid