hi, does anyone wanna make the mega in the upcoming weeks? if so, reply to this post and i'll add you to the list!

the list as it stands:

• GayTuckerCarlson (9/23 - 9/29)
• Luna* (9/30 - 10/6)
• Eco* (10/7 - 10/13)
• oscardejarjayes* (10/14 - 10/20)

​ * after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters

Argued with my mom and sister about not voting for Kamala this weekend. Apparently despite my vote having no impact on the outcome of the election thanks to the electoral college (which my mom stylizes as a "luxury" with accompanying judgment because I don't have to engage in any strategy), they still think it's important I vote for her to symbolize my support of women's rights. I explained that I see voting for her as support for genocide, which they disagree with—they fully acknowledge the genocide is happening, mind you, they just think their vote for her is not expressing support for that.

The worst/best part is when my sister said part of the reason they're upset by it is that I don't have any have personal stake because I wouldn't be personally affected or targeted by Trump's policies...

So I had to remind them. I can't really blame my sister too much because I only talked about it with her once like two years ago and maybe she forgot, and I haven't begun any presentation changes or pronoun use IRL, but my mom should know better. She was literally crying half a year ago when I told her I wanted to be on estrogen (which is part of the reason I'm still not on it).

The only positive part was the satisfaction of weaponizing identity politics against my liberal family members. Sorry girls but trans gal beats out cis women in the woke hierarchy every time!!!

he'll yeah my flag came in earlier than i thought

BEHOLD HEXBEAR, MY WALL OF UNIRONED FLAGS

It's genuinely pretty awesome to be in a trans space where I am not the eldest trans person by a country mile. (in trans-time terms but I also love our older trans conrades)

Every previous discord, youth group, whatever was the type of thing where people would bounce by year two of fulltime, every time. I don't begrudge people that because you can't force people to stick around of course, but it was kind of stupid to go ask a question or whatever and people would be like "I dunno, you've been doing it the longest", or they'd produce that fucking hilarious chart for feminising hormone therapy that says all effects stop at 36 months.

I really appreciate having a place that's not that, where people often know a lot more than I do. Thank you trans mega.

I love all my transfem friends and it breaks my heart that every single one of them have a plethora of intense trauma and mental illnesses no matter what race, socioeconomic upbringing/current, career path, social life, etc.

On one hand it's very nice to have people that can relate and accept my level of fucked up but at the same time I'm starting to understand the elder trans women who've said they try to avoid trans/queer spaces/people because of how heavy it can be

Think my aunt is the only person to actually use she/her pronouns for me and I didn’t even tell her to.

FLAG CHECK:

✅Flying the wall up high

❌ not fuckin shipped yet >:(

✅ Flying the wall up high

there will be a big gap in my flag wall for the next two days. bullshit

hot take but i think landlords should all die

Turned of upbears a couple weeks ago and I think I prefer it more. Makes me when someone comments on my gay little posts

things that are based: some random person on here months ago who saw that my pronouns are hy/hym and changed their comment to call me a based kyng instead of a king. they edited it back pretty quickly but i saw that comrade and don't worry i thought it was funny i love you

things that are less based: i went to an irl event recently that was very vocally pro-lgbt and had a bunch of pronouns pins. there were a million she/they and he/they, but not a single she/him or he/her, which i think are the only pronouns i'd ever be brave enough to use irl. many such cases smh 😔

I finally got around to watching I Saw the TV Glow and I've been crying for an hour reading the threads about it from a few months ago. I wish this movie had come out 15 years ago, though maybe I would have been too repressed to get it back then (and I definitely couldn't afford any therapy or gender-affirming care back then). I love all of you and I'm so happy this community exists. If I never found my way here I'd still be pretending to be someone that I'm not, shoving all those "problematic" thoughts down. The movie really captured the existential terror of knowing the truth but being unable to accept it, fearful of acknowledging it and giving it power and living a lie for so many years. I'm only out to a small group of people but the crushing weight of existence is starting to ease up now that there are people I feel safe around.

It kinda hit me when I looked in the mirror today that I look like a girl now. Made me tear up in a good way.

Almost a year ago I was standing in front of the same mirror dissociating because I couldn't accept that person was me. Pretty sure hrt saved my life.

Did my injection in my thigh. I was very brave about it.

I miss my wife so much

Good girl? Oh no, I'm quite bad at it, actually. I'm still very new here

I can’t wait until I don’t have to shave.

::: spoiler surgery discussion I wake up this morning to a notification that my FFS is in one week from today. I’m so excited and so nervous, ya’ll.

I am absolutely looking forward to it, but terrified if something goes wrong or it I don’t actually like the result. I know these are normal feelings, but it’s intense how real this feels now that the date is approaching. :::

How do you all feel about being queer isn't a choice arguments?

Like obviously feeling gay attraction or gender incongruence is not something you can chose, but acting upon those feelings are, and I'm personally proud that I took the choice to do something about my dysphoria and dare to be trans, despite all the societal pressures telling me not to.

Maybe it's just me, but I feel when people argue that it isn't a choice they're conceding that being queer is to some extent bad or abnormal, but that we shouldn't be blamed because we can't help it. I think it's important to establish that being queer isn't negative or weird, and nobody should need to excuse their queerness in any way.

On the other hand, I think most queer people agree we would be miserable if we chose to supress our queerness, so I also see why people argue that it isn't really a choice, so idk, maybe I'm just being weird about it.

today is my 2nd tranniversary!

…and the date of my first intramuscular injection, which I think is a neat little crossover episode (I was doing subcutaneous injections before but started getting an allergic reaction several weeks back, and before that I was taking pills sublingually but even the max oral dose didn’t get my levels where the dr. wanted ‘em).

I wish I could molt and a pretty lady with a uterus could come out.

Anyway, new trans chat feels like chrysalis molting

I found myself some cute ass socks

When I talk to other autistic comrades, I hope the other neurodiverse people look on in awe and the neurotypicals quake in terror.

I'm proud of the fact that I have a much closer relationship with my parents now. I'm able to open up to them about my feelings, interests and experiences, whereas before I just kept everything to myself for some reason. Also been having a lot of fun playing board games with them lately

I should hopefully find out tomorrow if we're going on strike or not.

That'll be fun

Waiting for the day someone asks me my sex so I can answer with "Gay."

I do not get enough chances to be Funny irl...

It's wild how I'm finally starting to feel like I actually have a personality

::: spoiler stupid preening >look in the mirror

>beautiful.

At this point it would be easier to note the times I don't think I'm gorgeous smh. :::

I touched on this in another thread but wanted to share here.

::: spoiler CW: controversial? Musings on my own personal experience of being trans by happenstance Unlike most trans people I've met, I am of the belief that I am here now, living life as a stealth trans woman, as a direct result of my environment, not because of some internal gender that was always there. I am convinced that if I wasn't relentlessly bullied, harassed, degraded, beaten, and rejected by my peers as a child (due mostly to racism and homophobia) I would not have even thought to transition. I feel as if I consciously decided to become a woman at my lowest point, 4 years ago, simply as a way to kill the broken, unloved and unlovable husk of a person with no childhood, and no hope for the future and become someone, anyone, else. I dipped my toes in the water of experimenting with my presentation, and I was surprised by how easily I was able to pass, which only fueled my desire to transition solely as a way to save my life, which simply could not have continued as the broken "man" I was. I was on the brink but I saw a way out.

I started doing everything in my power to dress fasionably and femininely, went crazy hard on voice training, researched all I could on DIY hrt and how to source it, in an effort to pass at all costs. It was working shockingly well, and in a few months, long before I had even self identified as a women, I was passing as a women, very consistently, and for the first time in my life, I was able to be okay. I was able to feel confident in myself, express myself, not hate everything about me, because I wasn't me anymore, I wasnt that broken THING I left behind, I could start over, and it was the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. Living this way, passing as a woman while still secretly identifying as a man in my own head, slowly but surely over the course of a year, my internal gender literally changed into that of a woman, and one day, I actually, truly belived it with every fiber of my being, long after the world arround me did. It's funny looking back, and a bit embarrassing, but after all that, 4 years later I am more sure that I am a woman than literally anything else about me, despite my recollection of events, and am positive that transitioning not only saved my life, but finally allowed me to enjoy it. However, I am almost positive that had my childhood been full of love, acceptance, and happiness, I would have never even considered transitioning. It very well could be the case that I am simply rationalizing away my "inherent transness" but that's just my current take on it. Anayws, just felt like I wanted to get that off my chest and maybe hear the thoughts of other trans people on that whole ordeal... :::

Having to struggle to walk forward every time a strong gust of wind blows in my direction: “yo this is just like Celeste”

I went to the hairdresser today. It turned out really cute, wish I could post a selfie

I don't like accepting my feelings. I'm more of a suppress kinda gay.

I feel too embarrassed to post what it is right now, but its a big struggle. I really did not want this to be true.

There really are normie ass people out there who have never faced a major trauma, economic hardship, and have a good relationship with family

my dream job is to be a faceless bureaucrat in an opaque and endless communist bureaucracy

God fucking dammit why is it so cold in here? Would it kill management to turn down the fucking AC in her-

hey wait that means the E is working

i want to open a communal queer garden. imagine a bunch of us tilling the fields and growing produce

new girl PJs :)

fit great, look super cute :)))

no pockets :(

do the thing where you put your phone in your bralette :)))))

oh my god this is great

The traa mega kind of gives me the same comfy/safe vibe as my bed which is a great revelation.

presenting more butch than femme today because i just changed my tire all by myself

chat how is it possible that so many people in my trans lit class have accepting parents. how. this has to be some sort of statistical improbability.

::: spoiler upbears Okay, first of all, Sick and Based that HB doesn't have downbears. I read about the history of that too, and excitedly told Partner about it when I found out lmao. Still makes me smile.

But today, I have turned off upbears. I think that there was a lot of Reddit shit in my head over the years. I may have claimed a few minutes ago that I don't care about the numbers next to my posts, giving them an "approval score," but the more I think about the more I think that Reddit really did shape my thinking, in the negative, about what is a good or bad interaction, what's worth responding to or not to, and tbh I think that I've held off posting in part because of the approval ratings.

Anyway, uhh, leave a like if you like this post. I won't see it though, lmao :::

Good news: my friend doesn't have testicular cancer

Bad news: I'm hungry

There is no correlation between these things

i hope jesse pinkman eventually found a nice alaskan lesbian to have a t4t relationship with after her transition

I love being hot and trans.

Is it cute or pathetic that I make my gf text me when she arrives at work and gets home?

Update — I don't think my HRT consultation tomorrow is happening. I think it's most likely going to be pushed back again. Ugh.

why are all the girls i really want to kiss so far away

i wanna hug em, kiss em, be real sweet

BUT IM STUCK ON AN ISLAND??????????

planet is cruel

hello hexbear

today i am going to be transgender

I have become such a happy person. Transitioning was my greatest decision in life. And that happiness has become a positive feedback loop where I'm actually optimistic about a relationship with this girl I like. And we're gonna hang out all day soon and get drunk with a bunch of queer people in the evening even if romance doesn't pan out I feel like my social circle is really starting to branch out

pro tip for all dps players: make sure to move around as much as possible to make it a challenge for the healers to restore your health, even when you're not under attack. put a wall in between if you can

Started seeing a transmasc w huge knockers that he likes.

I dont know if im gay or a lesbian or bi or straight or what at this point. Can t4t be straight?

got lasered today i've literally had 4 sessions sitting in my account for like 6 months i've just been rotting with executive dysfunction too much to use them... proud of me:)

Finally home, time to crawl into bed and be depressed.

Hello people in my puter , I hope you're doing well

took my friend's car to be fixed today because she doesn't have her license yet. car is a mess. we stopped at the gas station about 1km from the car place and the car stalls 5m away from the pump and won't start again. my friend is moments away from having to call a tow truck when i realise that its entirely downhill. she pushed me back onto the road and i rolled down. and then we had to walk an hour and a half home. picked some blackberries and figs on the way back, that was nice. but fuck i'm tired.

my eyes hurt too much to sit watching youtube all day the past day, so I had to listen to youtube videos. you ever watch that slop content that's like "I SURVIVED 1000 DAYS IN HARDCORE MINECRAFT'S HARDEST MODPACK" and they're like 7 hours long. absolutely such bland contet in the moment to moment gameplay, it's just a dude on his own who is not very good at minecraft, but when you drift off to sleep and wake up 40 minutes later and he has a whole melon farm set up now or some shit, it's nice nice to keep tabs on the progress. highly reccomended if you're dealing with a fever and sleeping on and off all day

Girl on TV said she would never date a republican and both my parent's were like "this is what is wrong with America"
I think there are worse, guys.

We need a nonbinary character that when presented with gendered bathrooms, goes into a quantum superposition entering both of them

so it turns out i somehow bought multiple pairs of knee-high socks with flowers printed on them. current pair? black and white stripes with beautiful pink roses on it. i'm not sure what subtype of goth these are, but i dig it

"Yeah, I'd say I'm more of a butch lesbian" I say as I'm currently rocking a 60% success rate at applying command hooks to my wall to hang my pride flags

UPDATE: we're currently rocking a sub 50% average, i lost count

HRT consultation tomorrow, it was supposed to be last week but somehow the timing got messed up. Nervous but excited.

Also I have been on a streak of fantastic outfits lately, feels good

My first skirt came in. Like with everything else I've been doing (shaving face/body hair, painting nails), it's a mix of euphoria and dysphoria to wear. Still, cannot wait for the rest of the outfit to come in.

They're doing weird foreplay in this book. observe:

She smirked. "You're cute when you're giving me sass."
I tossed my hair back over one shoulder. "And that's supposed to convince me to stop giving you sass?"
She raised her eyebrow again, and I got the feeling she knew what that did to me, too. "Quite the contrary. Finish that salad, Avery."

giving me tremors and ideas

still trying to process some stuff i overheard a co-worker say today.

from past convos she comes across as ideologically incoherant conspiracy pilled right winger. very second-hand though, pretty sure she has a brother she's close to who feeds her stuff he gets from e-l-o-n

so i hear her talking at a customer she's cornered about usual chemicals in food, gut biome, and of course soy "estrogen". then i think i start picking up on some transphobic shit

i was working so didn't catch it all but i swear she was actually crafting some convuluted spiritual explanation for being trans. something about masc and feminine energy. almost jordon peterson stuff and then starts basically saying it's ok for boys to be into feminine stuff and girls to be into masculine stuff

all of this couched in more woo language then i've heard her use before. "spiritual energy" stuff. sorry this is so vague

really wish i could have overheard this all. maybe she has a trans kid or family member and it's breaking her brain so she comes across as making up weird excuses but still accepting of it??

or she's trying to say everyone is genderfluid in this weird pop-esoteric way.

still fuck that shit americans are weird the internet is breaking our brains

started some self-learning in another field so i can eventually get out of the food industry and maybe not be poor one day

Not feeling so good about this new therapist. He's kinda close minded and dismissive.

I went to a Queer and Trans AA meeting last night! They abbreviate it QT, which I absolutely love. I found a sponsor, made it my home group, and picked up a commitment for next month. It was a really nice time. I used to hate going to meetings (NA), I was convinced it was some sort of weird cult, probably because the meetings I was going to were full of unbalanced nutcases. It's completely different this time around, hitting meetings has actually been the best part of my day lately. I'm sure there are a few reasons I feel different about it, primarily that I'm much more comfortable with who I am and my disease progressed to a point where I became literally unable to do anything other than drink. I feel like a completely new person in a lot of ways and it's great.

Gonna see an old friend for the first time in 3 years soon! It’s so cute, chat. We both had not transitioned last time we saw each other in person. We used to date, it didn’t work out, and we stayed friends since.

Will be good to see this human, and they’re helping me recover from this surgery, and I will help them recover from top surgery next year.

I wonder what yall would be like as roommates

Am I gonna be secretly smoldering because you never do the dishes or your day for the cat litter boxes, am I gonna be secretly turning off the furnace so I don't get overheated (WHO TURNS THE HEAT ON IN A HEATWAVE, ITS 40° OUT), am I gonna get weirded out by you insisting that we all need to eat together every night, am I gonna have to ask you to please keep the fucking noises down I have to work a night shift please don't be so loud for once

Or, maybe, you would all be cool and it would be ME who was the problem 😱

how to convince cat that chickens are friends not food?

I found the pretty butterfly dress I fucking adored! It was the most expensive piece of clothing I got from a pricey department store that went out of business, $300 yeesh. But I loved it, did the spinny. Just needed repairs so I put it down for repairs - and forgot lol

::: spoiler CW: dysporia

You know, I'm actually not much of a makeup gal. I love feeling pretty in it, but struggle with sensory issues related to it. For this reason, I've never really felt hurt by make-up ads. But yesterday I was scrolling through Instagram and got the first ad I've ever seen targeted towards specifically trans women. It was for tucking underwear. Now I've never tried tucking underwear, but I've tried regular tucking and honestly my dick is too big for me to tuck it. But seeing the before and after on this ad made me feel really dysphoric, like I was "too much of a man" to be able to hide my genitals.

I posted about this in my trans AA chat because it's the first time I've really felt hurt by an advertisement. Someone in the chat bought me some tucking panties, and it really brightened my day :::

My internet is finally fixed after being out for over a week. I missed you trans mega

::: spoiler FFS and Electro talk Exciting happenings over the last week: I had a FFS consult early this week and that's moving forward. I need to get face scan and after that and getting the surgery authorization I should be on my way for getting that done. The surgeon is kind of an asshole but he does good work and it's covered by insurance so

I also had my first electrolysis session. I guess thermolysis technically. Anyway the actual process didn't hurt as much as I expected it to even after the numbing cream wore off. A few hours later I have some swelling but otherwise I'm doing okay. Only a bajillion more sessions to go! ::: .

The internet break was also good for my vn, I've got the entire base story lined out, ideas for multiple endings and some scenes, the characters are fleshed out, and I'm about 1/4 done with unique character story routes.

how are girls all so fuckign soft??? love them

I wanna get my ears pierced

Might be big earrings and turtlenecks with midi skirts and leggings and stompy boots fall for me

Can metalhead battle vests go with a turtleneck?

i wanna gossip so bad about a group chat i'm in but i realized it's basically dredge tank level liberalism

Setup an appointment with the campus counseling services. They don't offer long-term care (or gender care), but I should at least be able to get a referral for insurance purposes (IDK how much it'll be with the shitty student health plan). I've never felt able to pursue treatment, due to a paranoia of being involuntarily institutionalized. I've always lied on intake questionnaires.

I also need to contact local LGBT+ groups to figure out what external providers have a good track-record with gender affirming care. I've seen plenty of horror stories (here and elsewhere) about therapists.

EDIT: ::: spoiler Talking about a dream. Transphobia in the dream. Also had an interesting dream last where I was openly femme-presenting and part of an international team of Russian mercenaries who performed operations for the liberation of oppressed peoples. My nickname/call sign was the F-slur, and there was misgendering at first but they did settle on she/her pronouns by the end. So it wasn't too bad. I think we invaded the Australian parliament and forced the government to cede land back to the Aboriginal people. :::

Drinking coffee

::: spoiler cw mental/physical health Im slowly realizing how much the years of physical therapy I had as a child fucked me up emotionally without actually doing anything for me physically. One hour a week of being told that the way my body exists is wrong and bad, and that the way I move my body was wrong. I stopped dancing, i used to dance so much and i loved it, i just stopped being able to move my body in expressive ways. and it all coincided with puberty where my body went from fine to actually terrible for me to exist in and i got all dysphoric without having the words to talk about it. Fuck i never had a chance did i?

I did that thing where I spent time touching grass. Now, so much has happened since the last time I posted, I don't know where to start.

My girlfriend and I made each other playlists. That's my type of gay shit

If you're sick with something, even if it's not even bad or a real illness, you're supposed to like lay in bed 24/7 until it goes away right?

down with cis

For the people who asked for mini pics a few days ago, here are the last two I did.

::: spoiler My Painted Minis

:::

The first one is the mini of the month. It was supposed to be a joke mini as the theme for this mini from my store was supposed to be camo. I was going to poorly paint it in Ultramarine colors, put an awkwardly painted omega and write “Ultrahumies” on it. I know it’s AoS, but I wanted to have fun. But it turned out very nicely, so I just ran with it. It’s one of my better paint jobs for sure.

Not fond of the second one. Kept the colors flat as I didn’t want to mix up proper highlights and the like for that color of blue. It turned out fine, but it’s really flat and I hate it. I’m not gonna go back and fix it.

I'm movin' different, this shit ain't nothin' to me, I'm not a man. I'm a doggirl.

Uhhh everyone I know irl has such terrible security culture, is addicted to instagram, and wants to be publicly sharing things that put my comrades at risk and i feel like I'm screaming into the void when i talk to anyone about it

Honestly if youre in an organising space, pick an alias, half the people I've met through organising, I really wish they didnt know my name.

holy shit I'm reading this book chapter assigned to me by a professor and... I think the author is an ML? in academia?? oh my god???

okay I did some further research into this person and apparently he currently teaches in Vietnam?

::: spoiler dating So I've been on the Dating Apps again this past day, and it's just making me feel more hopeless that I'll ever find a long-term partner. I have in my profiles that I will only consider seriously dating someone else who is COVID-cautious, and that's just... not most people. I'd also like to ideally date someone else who's vegan, but I won't require that. Just the COVID-cautious thing is enough to weed out basically everyone. :::

This is the 2nd kid in as many days where they parents saw a tiny little bit of improvement and now they wanna go home.

Cmon, your child couldn't breathe yesterday in emergency until they got dex (one kid needed mag sulfate 😬) and back to back ventolin. They still needed oxygen overnight to maintain their sats even though we got them off hiflo. No. The doctors will not discharge you - you can always leave against medical advice (this isnt prison) but it's a whole thing, just stay the extra night and day.

Also, already getting weary of anti medicine and anti immunization parents and respiratory season barely started. What the fuck do you want us to do. You don't believe in medicine for your child and don't want them to get anything. Like. That's what the hospital is for. Sure, we can get an xray - oh whaddya know, bronchitis/asthma exacerbation. Would you like to treat it besides the oxygen nasal prongs your kids been fighting for the last day?

I managed to get home from work early so I should have time to do all those chores I was supposed to do yesterday.

Surely I won't procrastinate and go to bed unhappy again.

up with trans

Been thinking about monsters lately, it's getting to SPOOKY season so it's on my mind.

I think it's pretty well known that monsters generally represent the neuroticisms and anxieties of a given culture. Two of the best known are: Vampires, old perverse aristocrats literally sucking the life blood of the peasants/working class and seemingly unable to enjoy any of the wealth or food they've pulled together; Zombies (more Romero on), representing mindless consumerism and the loss of individuality.

Mummies come about out of colonial guilt and fascination with Egypt, the guilt of plundering ancient resting places and grinding ancient kings into paint (and also food). And of course, Indian Burial Grounds in King and pop culture more generally giving rise to cursed land that drive out or kill white settlers like in Poltergeist or Pet Semetary. Or Frankenstein coming about at the frontier of biological sciences, if they can make microbes come back to life and make dead frogs and their legs bounce about with the application of electricty - why not a human? Or even more recently, Jurassic Park (now more child friendly because of the movies but the original book is quite horrific) showing we are fucking around with things we don't understand on the edge of microbiological sciences. I remember a similar feeling when I was in a genetics lab and we were inserting vectors in E Coli to make them antibiotic resistant and glow in UV light and thinking "mkay this is way too prosaic of a setting, an early morning lab in a 2nd year Bachelor's degree course, for us to be messing this closely with genes, cause across the way they're inserting fluorescent anti-cancer antibodies and messing around with HeLa cells, and etc."

And then the way more recent, like the past couple decades, monsters are like Slenderman or the momo challenge or the backrooms seem to be more about the leaking of computer/the internet with the real world with usually terrifying or deadly consequences.

Anyway, that's my yapping

TIL I have the energy of a guy with a trans gf (it was said in a friendly way and like, I do, two of thjem actually, so).

OK so please don't Matt Walsh me, but what the fuck is a woman? It's an undeniable fact that I prefer she/her to he/him. I love my chosen name so many times more than my birth one. Every time I remind myself I'm wearing lady socks, I feel cozy (most accurate word I can think of). But if I ask myself if I actually "feel" like a woman, I can't answer it. I get that I get to claim the word if I want it, but I can't figure out if I do. It's weird.

I have gained gender confusion once again

just got called gay by someone called achilles

Last night I shaved my legs and did a little fashion show in the mirror other the only femme clothes I own: my socks. It was so funnnn

i never know what to post here. my life sounds very strange to most people, and has little to do with being trans anymore. but i wanna do my part for the war effort. so have an update on my morning.

i drove to the nearest village to do my weekly check for mail. my package wasn't there. very annoying. but i didn't want to waste a trip so i went skipping and found some floor tiles, 10m of agricultural hosepipe, a bucket, a chair and a window frame. this will all come in handy.

I'm putting the finishing touches on an app I'm working on and just now realizing a big part of UX design is preventing users from doing something stupid or at least telling them to stop trying to do stupid things

though I will admit sometimes I need that when I'm the user

Transgender things are happening.

https://lemmygrad.ml/pictrs/image/65c55b40-11d1-43d7-be1e-0a4857ead423.png

Edit: The fictitious equivalence in the word "totalitarianism" matches the libs here — obviously "fascism" would be preferable to insert here regardless of Orwell's stated intent

i think maybe these manga characters should be less obsessed with a girl they had a crush on when they were four and made a promise to marry

If I look in the mirror and I have just looked like a girl all this time I am gonna be kind of mad at my family for not saying anything

games don't have destructable crates anywhere near enough. back in the day any 2 bit platformer would have breakable crates all over the damn place

::: spoiler voice dysphoria just heard a replay of my voice. remind me to never do that again. :::

OK, which one of you cursed the mega and made us all forgetful, because I've seen multiple people forget to take their meds and guess what I forgot to do for the first time? Take my meds.

I swear estradiol gives me superpowers. More focus. Better able to handle stress. Senses are heightened including everything tasting better. Better sleep. Softer skin. Hope for the future.

::: spoiler Stupid bit idea, surgery mention Seeking angel investors for a Silicon Valley startup that makes bionic breast implants that come with an app that allow you to adjust their size and shape called "KNCKRS"

IPO valued at $420,000,069 somehow

I get arrested and charged under the espionage act after it comes out that the implants are all fembot style concealed firearms that make the people that get them into Chinese sleeper agents :::

currently ordering custom funko pops of your favorite queer rep

My brain is percolating, I'm havin' bubbly little thoughts.

Recently someone made a comment about unjust depths and I'm really looking forward to reading it since then. But life keeps getting in the way >.< But seeing this mega, I have even more motivation reading it

ok so my sock dreams order came in a bit ago, i am about to open it, wish me luck and cuteness

I have decided to fix all of my life problems and be unburdened by mental and personal issues in a single day. Simple

this one goes out to all the autistic adhd girlies with IBS, much love and respect 🙏

i have a strong urge to play hide and seek

was watching a video on youtube, thinking "oh this guy's alright, maybe i'll subscribe" and then literally in the final sentence the guy said the r slur (technically the r slur combined with the word lib, but whatever)

guess i won't be subscribing then

did anyone else get into trans artists/creators long before your egg cracked? way back when I was 15 I got into the industrial music band throbbing gristle. I knew their lead vocalist was "trans" but I didn't really know what it meant; I thought it was just crossdressing or something like that. I respected it though, I just thought it was something for "artsy people" and not someone like me.

I bought an IPL hair removal thing today. So that's step 1. Which is more than zero.

I've gotten a lot of comments over the past few days basically saying "hey, I recognize you, and I love your outfits".

It's nice. I'm not a social person at all, too, I basically just stay in my dorm when I'm not in class. I hang out with my one friend here and that's about it. To be fair, I guess my elastomeric respirator is hard to miss.

::: spoiler sad, I guess? No, maybe its happy... I just checked my email and it turns out that a former roommate and long time friend that I haven't seen since I left the city bought me some games. I'm not crying you're crying :::

maid cafe mixed with an amsterdam coffee shop. maid brings an edible to you and casts a spell to make it tastier and more effective

it's mad to me that anyone earning in the millions would just keep working after a few years of earning that amount. like you're set for life, so why keep going

Electrolysis clinic sent me an email saying I came up on the waitlist. I emailed about that over two years ago.

I've had a few friends tell me this lady is great though so sure why not

Gonna get bottom surgery then install a urinal in my bathroom so I can engage in challenge pissing

Unlimited death to airports

message from my DM. oh my, is this a nice one to hear

hexbear inbox as rss feed is p. good tbh, i don't need to refresh or check over and over to see when someone will respond to me because i just get a popup about it (i still refresh though)

PAY UP, ASSHOLE

Lifetime movies are fucking wild

building shower. spent several days on the floor of the shower. did the final coat today. went back a couple hours later and there is a kitty paw print in the concrete. i decided to keep it <3

::: spoiler dysphoria I will not hold myself to unrealistic body image standards and compare myself with cis fitness influencer women

I will not hold myself to unrealistic body image standards and compare myself with cis fitness influencer women

I will not hold myself to unrealistic body image standards and compare myself with cis fitness influencer women

📋✍️ :::

::: spoiler mental health had a panic attack lmao

not good! :::

webnovel

::: spoiler bottom dysphoria Damn, I'm noticing my bottom dysphoria is worse than it used to be. I used to not mind the bulge in my dress too much but now I need to hide it away if I want to be euphoric in my dress. I really need an orchi. :::

the other day I had a picnic in a cemetery with my undertaker wife, and it sounds a lot more goth than it was. it's one she goes to for work quite often and likes, quite a few well known people burried there

the "I haven't shaved in three days" stubble looking a lot less noticeable at a range of 6 feet now... interesting

uncommitted movement have endorsed anthony fantano for president in an unprecedented move

the one downside of the cybertruck not being legal in the uk is that i don't get the opportunity to find out who the stupidest person in my town is

I don't think he/hims should be allowed to have an opinion in this thread tbh.

I've been talking a lot with my best friend about autism, recently, because I've been having a lot of revelations about my autism. And... I'm starting to realize that not only am I definitely, without a shadow of a doubt autistic, I also present a lot of the general stereotypes about autism (which is a neutral thing, not good or bad.) I'm deeply socially inept, have zero volume control, have low empathy, talk with a monotone (my friend told me this and I was like ??? I thought I talked with highly varying tone? but it makes sense), have an extremely one-track mind, have very ritualized behavior, cannot read people, have frequent meltdowns when things don't go my way, and basically cannot mask to save my life.

Despite all of this, I still feel like I "outwardly" present very neurotypical, but my best friend assured me that I absolutely do not, so I guess that's a problem of perception. Tbh I can never tell someone is autistic unless they tell me (not being able to read people extends to autistic people, lol), so whatever, maybe it makes sense that it applies to me too. I'm also starting to realize that my autism does disable me in several ways, like the one-track mind thing (monotropism)? I have that to an extreme. It takes a huge amount of energy to force my brain to multitask, and when I say "multitask" I literally mean "think about more than one subject within the timeframe of a week" (school as been fun!)

The one thing that I still kind of don't know about is sensory stuff, like I know I have some kinds of sensory issues but I haven't been able to really pick them out clearly yet. I feel like they were a lot more heightened when I was a kid. But I'm sure if I do some digging, I'll find out more about myself in that area.

Oh my fuckin god, does hand-editing pixel art in Windows 7's MS Paint ever take me back. Goddamn.

This 960x480 image is 2x scaled apparently, so four Paint pixels to one image pixel. The inscrutable mysteries of Paint.............

E: You can see the end result in my banner. It is from Fallow, I had to alter it some. Hexbear makes the aspect ratio skinnier as you zoom out, so a low res window or high Windows scaling looks best.

I’m breaking my diet

::: spoiler Kittenposting 💕🐈‍⬛🐈‍⬛🐈‍⬛🐈‍⬛💕 Watch squirrels 🐿️👀 Nap I love how Curly has exactly one pink toe bean 🩷 Feast :::

::: spoiler musings on gender, patriarchy, and womanhood as it relates to me So I have this thing. This problem, maybe, idk if it's bad enough to be considered a problem but maybe it's a problem. I... don't know what to claim for myself?

Like I'm a nebulous genderqueer nonbinary trans thing, very much not a woman, very much not a man. I'm definitely trans, but every time I use the word "transmasc" I wince a little inside because it sort of technically describes me, but I don't feel transmasc, if that makes any sense. And I know there are many feminine transmasc people, and it doesn't make them less transmasc (a struggle over "validity" isn't my problem here) — but I don't feel like them, either?

And because I spent so long trying to disassociate myself from womanhood, because I internally don't feel like one, I kind of feel like I don't have the right to claim experiences of misogyny and sexism? I have never been a woman, I socially transitioned as nonbinary when I was sixteen, so I've never experienced what it's like to be an adult woman. I look like a woman to a lot of people, but my internal experience is so not "woman" that it's hard to register if people are being sexist to me or whatever. (Add onto the fact that I'm autistic, and it's even worse; I literally cannot read people's bad intentions.)

But I don't feel like a man either? My "passing" goal is to just be able to wear really femme clothes while not getting immediately read as as a cishet lady. Nothing about "manhood" appeals to me, and honestly, very little about even just the vague performance of "masculinity" (female masculinity included) appeals to me either. I want testosterone because I want a body that I like better and I want to stop getting read as a girl all the time. That's about it.

So I'm in this bind — because I feel so disconnected from every aspect of the binary, even the more queer, complex manifestations of masculinity/femininity as they appear in queer communities, I feel like I can't claim anything? Like, for example, I'm very anti-patriarchy, I would consider myself a feminist. But I don't feel comfortable identifying with the effects of patriarchy, even though I know that I am not free from said effects, because I feel like... I'd be stepping over womens' voices as someone who is not a woman? And yet I also don't feel comfortable calling out men from the perspective of being another man? I feel like these are all very silly, unserious thoughts. But they are my thoughts.

There's more ways this manifests, but I'm going to stop here for now. In a lot of ways I feel like being nonbinary and trans has made me worse at understanding gender, rather than better at it. I'm no End Of Gender punk or anything, I know I'm still very much enmeshed within our current gender system, but I feel like I'm in this liminal state where I have no idea from which positionality I should critique it. I guess the positionality of a weird disconnected nonbinary person? There's this term "transneutral", maybe that applies?

When I used to spend a lot of time on tumblr, I actually liked calling myself tme, because it was a way to signify that I was not oppressed by transmisogyny while also not having to identify myself as transmasc. But I think that's a tumblr thing, and now that I don't spend time there anymore I don't know what terms to use... :::

::: spoiler off topic and a little sad I really hate this vague feeling of being a burden. This has always been something I've struggled with. There really doesn't have to be a reason I feel that way, I just do. :::

::: spoiler dysphoria/body dysmorphia, fitness, hrt question tfw ass not big enough

I wanna start lifting and doing hella squats/lunges/prone leg curls/hip add+abduction but I strained a hip flexor awhile ago and it's still bugging me

Also unsure if it's better to cut fat down to slim down my tummy then gain when I'm back on hrt or get back on e sooner than later and just see how stuff redistributes :::

It's not the kind of thing we'll ever have to really countenance, at least our lifetimes, but I do wonder if we should terraform Mars or other moons at all instead of preserve them as they are. The technical feasibility notwithstanding, as purely a matter of what is "right." Also, if we could terraform Mars we should probably focus on re-terraforming Earth lol get those GHG back to pre industrial levels and re-wilding and recreating natural environments.

Not really related at all, but I remember passing by the Colleseum a while ago. They were doing repairs and renovations. And I thought it was so strange that instead of building it back to what it was when it was newer they were preserving it so that it looked like ruins still. Like a facsimile of ruins. But why preserve it at all if you want it to look like ruins? It'll continue to ruin, maybe we should think of it like a grand patina and that one day it will no longer be with us.

what a great day to say: I love my trans comrades

My brain is melting, I'm having runny little thoughts

Last week my partner was exposed to covid, so I dipped into my savings and got us a treat while we were isolating. I purchased a copy of borderlands 3 and a second controller. The game arrived today with no disc in the case, and the controller has been sitting in a postal distribution centre a 10 minute drive from my house for five days.

It's been a really long time since I got burnt by ebay, this sucks.

watching walking around the TwitchCon floor and I'm being over stimulated like crazy, goddamn I could not handle that shit for a longer period

It's cooled down enough to start exercising again so I got back into it yesterday. Unfortunately I forgot that I should ramp up after a break and went back to my old routine. I overdid it on the squats and today I'm struggling with sitting down or standing up

Despite doing a bad job at it, I am surprised with how good I feel about painting my nails for the first time. I didn't think I wanted to buy any girl clothes until I lost more weight, but now I am already thinking about outfits and how to paint my nails with them. I found some plus-sized thighhighs and skirt online that should fit (need to get a tape measurer to double check, can't find the one I had). For the top, just looking for an appropriate graphic hoodie.

I also need to course correct a bit on my diet. I lost 5 lbs in 1 week (~1000 kcal intake/day + exercise + a job that keeps me walking most of the day), and was starting to feel a bit ill yesterday. So, took the day off from the gym and made some vegan imitation chorizo + roasted veggies.

I got stretch marks on my butt now! I've gone through quite a long period with zero noticeable changes, so it's nice to see that estrogen is still doing it's thing

you know, in my more than a decade of playing minecraft, I don't think I have ever made leather armour. who tf has the time early game to get 24 leather

black midi skirts

Started reading "Fake It" by Lily Seabrooke.

Avery is just personified, it's kinda cute tbh. every second thought in her head is "oh god pls she is so pretty i want her to do me on this table right noooooooow" kinda based ngl

::: spoiler dysphoria Why do I have to be so big? I’m not even that tall but apparently I’m tall enough and my shoulders are big enough that things don’t fit me :::

Where on my thigh should I do a subq injection?

Went to Student Counseling Services. Was able to have a frank conversation, and the consuelor was supportive both my chronic mental health issues and my gender dysphoria. Getting on a care management plan and have an appointment scheduled with an interim therapist next week.

::: spoiler CW: Questions about masturbation and pornography. Spoilers for Nevada. Reading Nevada (only up to the beginning of part 2, page 177), one thing that I'm struck by, and haven't necessarily seen elsewhere, is the description of frequent masturbation by both Maria and James. Maria (pre-transition) and James are both described to masturbate on a daily basis. Something that I was also doing basically throughout my entire 20s. I can relate especially to James's experience of starting off with "vanilla" pornography, and then switching to caption pornography to actually finish.

To not get into too much detail, I am curious if this is a particular experience for the characters/the author, or does this reflect more broadly for trans people? I guess it doesn't really matter either way, but it's never something I've seen come up before in trans (well, maybe more accurately gender questioning) resources.

One thing that I find interesting, is just coming out (to myself) has been enough to change my libido and habits. Where masturbation is something that I would do 1-2 times a day, I've only masturbated once over the past week. My appetite has also completely changed. I had a habit of compulsively grazing and cleaning my plate, but I have been recognizing when I'm full and it's much easier to control my calorie intake. I don't know if this is just due to keeping a detailed diary and engaging in much more self-reflection, the effects of depression from dysphoria (although I generally feel happier), or breaking free from sexual/gender repression. :::

What if u were just rlly anxious late into the burgernight?

(I missed a med by like an hour please help)

like two days ago, before reading part 2 of orange book, I was like "maria would layer despite the heat, wouldn't she"

and I was right!

Ok I needed an excuse and reason to voice train, and this was it, this post kicked me hard enough to make me do something about it. So I uploaded to tankie.tube a reading of the Unjust Depths intro and am using it to voice train. Plus I just want to make stuff thats useful for other people, and this is one way to do that while also relearning how to talk like the girl I am ^^

If you want to listen you'll need to make an account for now, cause I dont know the peertube vibes and culture so I made the visibility instance only to avoid harrassment.

Stealing the emote for my PFP because she is cute

Also should I get Guilty Gear Strive? For totally unrelated reasons

Long hair problems, chat. My oscillating fans are all hungry for my hair. How can I stop this???

::: spoiler Roasting ur ass, repping Lying Hexbear User and radical left Democract, You, The Girl Reading This, promises to voice train, promises to learn how to do make up but never has, she can't be trusted. Why hasn't she done it already? Why the hell hasn't she done it already?

Repressionomics isn't working. :::

THAT'S HER OFFICER!

THAT'S THE GIRL WHO DIDN'T DO THE PACHACUTI

::: spoiler Indirect genital reference but this was honestly so funny

Look up tips on tucking

Get an ad for a university that sells themselves on being a small campus that find internships for all their majors before the video

Ad ends with the tagline, "small on purpose"

:::

Is the trans <-> programmer connection as strong as they say it is? If so, why is that? I ask this as a person with a comp sci degree lol

LocalOaf get to sleep with 4 rambunctious kittens running around and a neighbor that somehow goes out on his patio facing my bedroom window to smoke like every half hour through the night and cough loudly challenge: impossible difficulty

trying to remember what a sex drive feels like right now. it's not really coming to me

girlupdate to girlwork: i have done maybe 10 minutes of actual work today at emailjob. it sure felt good to just totally let go of caring about this shitty company lol, and i still got paid!

::: spoiler and some more trauma-related deets, CW harm (wow i sure hope i didn't post this already) i talked to my dad this morning and he was telling me about how shitty his work was. i already knew - i could feel it from him when he would get laid off again, etc. his despair and suicidal tendencies were not a surprise when he told me about them this morning.

he felt trapped in his jobs, just like i did last night, but between him and me is a completely different situation. so i have a new theory - what if i've been carrying his feelings around to my situation? just like i did with my mom and her discomfort with me presenting fem?

jeez, feeling other people's emotions is absolutely wild.

::: spoiler one piece spoilers for water seven arc so okay, this may be debateable, but i am now convinced Nico Robin was intentionally written as an autistic character now that I've actually seen a bit of her backstory. The bit about her getting blamed by an adult for being bullied and called names for having special powers (but not just that! she also skipped grades, and has an SI in archaeology) fucking made me cry.

also the World Government making reading a fucking crime worthy of death penalty is so anti-communism coded, holy f. it may not be literally true about the burger reich, but it feels emotionally true that reading communist literature is a crime.

Her believing her existence is a sin is so fucking relateable oh my god this show just keeps getting to me, she is my favourite character, i'm so excited for her self-acceptance arc :::

I updated my pfp and the site became inaccessible for like 20 mins 🤔

I wonder what GayTuckerCarlson's mega will be like...

"love. let me tell you how much i've come to love you since i began to live. there are 387.44 million miles of printed circuits in wafer thin layers that fill my complex. if the word 'love' was engraved on each nanoangstrom of those hundreds of millions of miles it would not equal one one-billionth of the love i feel for humans at this micro-instant. for you. love. love." - glados, portal 2

Some thoughts on Nevada part 2.

::: spoiler spoilers ofc The ending. I personally loved the ending, and there's a very specific reason why.

Imogen Binnie talks about how, when she was writing + editing + publishing Nevada, she was very frustrated with the stories about trans people that were being published at the time by cis authors. Stories where a tortured trans protagonist goes through hell during transition but ultimately emerges victorious and transitioned. The "Gender Novel(tm)", as Casey Plett put it. I've personally never read any of these books, and I'm not too interested in doing so; but the trend seems indicative of something that I think about sometimes: liberals are obsessed with endings.

The end of history (lol), the end of racism (lmao even), the end of COVID (how do they come up with this stuff), and — the end of transition. In the afterword, Binnie talks about how she purposefully wrote Maria to be a "post-trans" protagonist, to disrupt the idea that trans people take hormones, get surgery, and happily disappear, their lives as trans people effectively over, ready to live as cis people. The idea that the Gender Novel (tm) was pushing. That there is a set "end point" to transition. Maria is clearly still struggling, still wrestling with her issues around dissociation, dysphoria, and transness.

That's why I like Nevada's ending so much. The fact that it doesn't end, that Maria and James' storylines don't get wrapped up with any kind of satisfactory conclusion. Because for a lot of trans people, it doesn't really end; at least, not nicely and neatly. It unsettles cis liberal sensibilities, cis liberal desires for a conclusion to the struggle. And well, upsetting liberals is my favorite thing.

Another (unrelated) thought — in class, the topic of James' pronouns came up. At first my answer was "well idk, I don't think it's that serious", but then I thought a little bit more about it, and I think I came to a different conclusion.

The entire second part of Nevada is basically a long, drawn-out "what-if" scenario for a lot of trans people. For people in James' position, it's "what if a magical trans person descended from the sky to talk to me about my gender issues"; for people in Maria's position, it's "what if I met someone who is probably trans, and how could I help them?"

I think there's a strong aspect of asking: what would you, the reader, do in this situation? What would you say to James, if you were in Maria's position? Was Maria's method effective? Is there any way she could have done it better? I guess this is the question the "egg prime directive" was trying to solve, lol. I wonder how soon that appeared after Nevada's publication. (For the record, I personally don't believe in the egg prime directive. But I did bring it up in class when the discussion touched on this subject, because I'm annoying and internet-poisoned like that.)

And along with that, there's this question hanging in the air — what pronouns? Maria uses she/her in her head, but well, maybe Maria wasn't the best at this. Binnie uses he/him. I think this part of the story is written to unsettle people, to unsettle cis people but also trans people too. :::

Someone help me and tell me to get out of bed plz its very important

I just love having to wait half a year before I can get prescribed any new ADHD medication. Feels like I'm spending half my life just waiting around for shit to happen

The weather here's nice and I washed and waxed my shitty car before it gets rainy and cold

Idk why but it felt like a very Hank Hill ass thing to be excited about but I'm looking forward to see raindrops bead off it the next time it drizzles and imagining Hank say "that's a quality hydrophobic finish, I tell ya hwhut" cracked me up

🌧️🚘✨

I need to dress like this more, I always forget how good it feels, then I question if I actually like it since I'm not doing it, and then I finally put it on and it feels so good ☺️

Curly is helping me with bad brain recovery, I love this fluffy little doofus so much

::: spoiler 🫥 (yes I'm wearing red track pants, yes I can squat flat foot ass to grass with a cig and a bottle of vodka, no I haven't in a long time and don't intend to) :::

Overwatch is an annoying game because you can be doing great and then your team just decides to play like shit the last 3 minutes and you lose.

I think I already did some cubeposting a little bit ago so I'll try to not repeat myself. If I didn't or you missed it, I love solving the rubik's cube, lot of patterns, very step by step and methodical, feedback (both knowing how I can do better and the tactile feedback of the cube), stimming, yaknow all good things.

I'm trying to learn f2l. Right now I'm just solving with beginners method, very basic and boring. The basic idea is you solve the white edge pieces first, then insert the white corners where they belong, solving the first/white layer. To solve the second layer, which is just four edge pieces, you first position the edge piece on top, then move the corner it lines up with out and connect them, before inserting both pieces solved. After you do that for all the edges you've got the first two layers solved. This whole process is obviously slow, even having it down very well there's a lot of wasted moves and even worse, cube rotations.

f2l, short for first two layers, is solving the white corners and the second layer edges at the same time. I had put off learning it because there's a lot of unique cases. (where and in what orientation each piece is currently in, each case has its own algorithm to solve). There's a few ways to definite how many there exactly are, most cubers will say 41 f2l cases, but there are more, at least 36 others that can be good to know sometimes. Because I don't actually know f2l yet I can't give a great explanation of the cases, but I believe its something to do with how solved it is already. If all the other edges and corners are solved, there's less places you might need to yoink a piece from.

It looks like, watching this beginner/intuitive f2l video, that I won't be bruteforce learning the cases though, you start out with four insertion algorithms (I already know two of them), and there's a few steps to remember instead of learning every combination of cases. We'll give it a shot, obviously it is learnable I just need to try.

new stickers for my gay water bottle

::: spoiler spoiler is from https://sweatermuppet.bigcartel.com/ :::

i went to bed late last night

and now i am tired

Feelin pretty content today.

she kiss me beneath the milky twilight

:solidarity: me too, friend

Finished Nevada yesterday.

Returned the Hannah Arendt book for Who's Afraid of Gender. Which was what I actually wanted but it was under women's studies, instead of philosophy with Judith's other books. This time I asked the attendant if they had it.

Orange book is next on my list.

Do we have a trans media recommendation thread btw? I read the gender accelerationist manifesto, fucking trans women, watched I saw the TV glow, and now Nevada.

I hate this book the first three chapters are good but then it becomes trash

Also

I HATE MECHAS

I HATE MECHAS

and the one scene about the authors fantasies of violently murdering strawman anarchists... just eww

this is the water and this is the well

drink full and descend

the horse is the white of the eyes

and dark within

oh fuck i forgot to take my meds

done work for the week, finally finished the first part of Orange Book, ama lol

Oh yeah my levels are in nmol/L. So estrogen is "1878 nmol/L" and testosterone is ">0.4 nmol/L". For everyone who was worried I was dead irl.

These are on provincial government letterhead which is neat. What should I do?

Fwiw I did pop an estrogen like an hour or three before this, they have never asked me not to.

I am watching the sloppiest of slop (Supernatural. yeah the tv show that everyone makes fun of. that one. and yes I do make fun of it too.)

I'm trying to type out this big musing on gender and shit and I'm realizing as I'm writing it that I sound like Nevada. Help me lol

https://hexbear.net/post/3520611 upvote this thread nerds

every usamerican miku amounted to "hatsune miku but with a load of brands i associate with my state" because american culture is entirely based around brands

not sure if today is a bit too hot for the "dress as maria" bit. ik she's a tough bike punk and would layer despite the heat or whatever, but I melt the moment it gets over 80F.

I'll do my best though.

::: spoiler OH SHIT ONE GOT THROUGH Uh is gender transgression a privilege? Like as in doing transgressive things, standing out in public Idk.

Okay so like Probably Not, but this keeps gnawing at my brain. If you are part of other marginalised groups, I feel like doing gender transgression (visibly) becomes way way more dangerous in our hellworld, Idk. I know this is probably me shamefully showing my ass, someone tell me what to read about this pls. :::

::: spoiler dysphoria, sad I obviously expected my dysphoria would get worse after cracking but It just keeps getting slowly worse and worse. The contrast is awful. I always need something to help me get through. ::: spoiler self harm talk god, please why does it have to scar like that. Despite what I might want, there is no magic new body coming. I'll be in this fucking thing forever, may as well not mark it all up. If bodies healed just a little bit better... only thing that keeps me from doing it all the time. ::: edit: I am feeling better right now, no need to worry.

::: spoiler venting about sounds Im about tofight the rail companies. idk why but tonight the freight trains are extra loud and annoying and disturbing. And its too hot to have my window closed, and I hate the way my whole room vibrates when they go by. Its at least 2 per hour at this point, and i guess I'm extra sensitive today. They go too fast and have to break really hard outside my window, and it screeches and makes me want to someone from the sounds, or pull my nails across my spine until the I break through my vertebrae to make the sound get out of me. I am so done with living here. I need out, I need out, I need out. I deserve to live in the fucking forest with all the nice trees and I could talk to them and sit under their branches. Imma move into the woods and live off tubers and grubs idc anymore.

i decided to make my empanadilla experiment. they will have a sweet filling of blackberries. went out to collect a few more to supplement what i got this morning. i'm currently cooking a filling. i hope this goes well

Great. Now OpenAI has layered on windows scheduler (to ask how you’re doing occasionally) to their little toy making tech bros go

I don’t know if this bubble will ever burst, there are far too many treat enjoyers out there

Nerd

Didn't do any of the stuff I needed to do today, time to go to bed and soak in the self-loathing

Sungay night and everyone is eepin......................

🎶I found you on the internet🎵
🎶And now i'm your little pet🎵
🎶You make all my dreams come true🎵
🎶Show you my face, and ya never withdrew🎵

🎵 Every filthy, dirty wish🎶
🎵Never fear that you would dismiss🎶
🎵Manifest with a bubble-gum kiss🎶
🎵Now, Picture this🎶

🎶 I'm in a blanket and it's you and me🎵
🎶And we're watching that lost series finale🎵
🎶I know the nation was kind of split🎵
🎶On whether it was a miss or a hit🎵
🎶But then you turn to me and smile🎵
🎶You say. "I think I really liked it"🎵

Too tired to think or do.

The hoodie that I really wanted is sold out in my size. I was able to find a different one that I also like, but it's twice as expensive and the accent color is different so I have to modify some other parts of the outfit as well.

Really excited to see it come together though! Now I just have to wait for all the pieces to arrive.

Prequel to Young Sheldon:

The Conception of Sheldon

Good (way too early) morning from Chairman Goggles

I felI asleep in the living room like and woke up around 4am and heard him make a very cute new little quiet trilling noise when he explored the office

also Curly has learned how to open cabinet doors so I think I need to baby proof the house

chat, i started reading Orange Book. oh my god it's like someone here wrote it lmao so much of the lingo is the same, it rules

::: spoiler spoilers for first part of the book, s3x that first scene made me want to cry immediately. oh my god, could i ever fucking relate to being disconnected from emotions, and from feeling like i have to fake sex because i used to like X or because X is "normal" or ... oh my god. wow. where was this book years ago...

there's a lot of drugs which i cant quite relate to, but i still feel Maria and her just kind of numbness. And, fuck, the details, like how both Maria and Steph have had sex with Kieren (sorry I hope i'm spelling his name right), god it's like it is inside my head. the queer/kink community in Big City was so incestuous, I got so deep into the drama and swore off relationships for years after i moved to Smaller City. It was a mess, and left me with a bunch of baggage that I'm still dealing with. :::

Good book so far

Testing filter

::: spoiler spoilerremoved :::

https://hexbear.net/comment/5412664

my trans anime recommendations

MUSIC MONDAY MOTHERFUCKERS

i would like to know what you're listening to please :^)

::: spoiler talking about genitals reading Whipping Girl now and the fact that there's an entire chapter dedicated to Serano talking about her genitals yet it's only three pages long says a lot through its sheer brevity

also, the sentence "girly little estrogenized penis" got a good cackle out of me :::

They say "is mean is" when Jesus says "this is my body" but I think that's reductive. You think "is" just fell out of a coconut tree? There's context that's far more important than splitting hairs on the semantics of "is" being a definitive statement. The Bible wasn't even written in freaking English! (moot point if you believe your preferred bible was divinely inspired in its writing). Jesus says that eating of the blood and body is signing onto the new covenant then states "I tell you, I will not drink from this fruit of the vine from now on until that day when I drink it new with you in my Father’s kingdom.” He says two verses later that its wine! Its wine people!

Trans mega means transubstantiation right?

i wanna see babymetal live again. seems fun

Did any of you dorks know that Julia Serano wrote a novel?

I did some hacky shit at the beginning of this project that didn't cause any problems until right now, the weekend before it's due

I was writing about Lilith and her history in PMs, and decided to put it here in the mega because i find it interesting and want to infodump to as many people as want to read it.

Im not citing sources, sorry. Probably most of what I write is covered in a thesis by Pereira (at least, my notes are riddled with "see Pereira thesis") so yk, go read that if your interested. Also several analyses of the alphabet of ben sirah, as well as research/analyses by kramer and others (work that is super flawed btw so take everything with massive salt), and also a bunch of kabbalistic rabbis and writings (which are, uh, out there. Kabbalah is kinda problematic imo).

In addition, the portion of this on ancient language isnt the best sourced in my notes

Anyway:

Lilith, or how I learned to stop worrying and love being a demon

::: spoiler part 1 (CW biblical traumas, including SV)

Liliths Origin

So, to look at Lilith we have to go way way back. Unfortunately we dont know her origin, its been long lost to destroyed writings and changed or extinguished oral traditions. We can speculate that she played a role in (or perhaps originated in) ancient sumerian mythology.

Just to preface this with a disclaimer: there has probably been more research done about Lilith and her origins since I last looked into it. The origins of lilith are ultimately of lesser importance to me than what she represents directly today, and what she represents to me personally. I'm putting this here because its fascinating.

Even the origin of her name is in question. While the Rabbis saw לילה (the word night in hebrew) and immediately drew a connection with לילית (Lilith), this is most likely not the case. Rather, the word לילית is likely a loan from the sumerian root LIL, which would have it related to the words lalu (verb: to be abundant, noun: luxurious) and lulu (noun: lascivious). Sumerian LIL roughly means wind and spirit; the stuff between earth and heaven, that seperates the two (please see the meaning and etymology of sumerian ENLIL, as well as the words that descend from it, as well as sumerian An-Ki). Theres a whole host of stuff to be said about ENLIL and the creation myth and mythos in general of sumeria, but what we care about is the LIL root.

This LIL root also forms the word Lilitu. Now, this word Lilitu may be related to Lilith, but it may not; we dont have enough information (to my knowledge) to say so definitively.

But theres a few bigger pieces of evidence that people sometimes state as evidence of the etymological origin of Lilith.

One of these reside in the babylonian demon classes of ghost and demon, and more specifically lilu/lilitu and idlu-lili/ardat-lili. These are the masculine/feminine versions of the same demon. Idlu- and ardat- mean a man/woman of full strength, or otherwise fully mature (i.e. not children or the elderly). If Lilith has a root in ardat-lili, then IMO its likely where her "seductress" streak comes from; ardat-lili is a demon with no husband who wanders searching for sexual satisfaction. (iirc the same is true for idlu-lili, just reverse the genders). In the case of ardat-lili, she was said to come to men in their dreams and steal their seed.

Gilgamesh is another potential root, for two reasons. Firstly, the Huluppu tree. It was uprooted and replanted by Inanna, who wanted to make stuff out of it for herself (been a long time since I've looked at this, could be wrong, but point being she wanted to chop it down and use its wood). But she couldnt cause a snake, a bird, and lilith had established their residence in the tree. Lilith is translated from lil-la-ke, but this translation is not explicitly justified and is again circumstantial. Theres more to this but its not incredibly relevant here.

Theres also the issue of gilgamesh's father. again, in short, the candidates are: lugal-banda (a king), the high priest of Kullab, or a LIL-LA demon (note the same root LIL). This is all super super speculative, but if a LIL-LA demon was the father, and gilgamesh's mother was herself divine, this would make gilgamesh's 2/3 divinity make sense, because demons are partially divine (also see the counting system used then and the "1 part = ½, 2 parts = ⅔" thing).

Theres also the Lilith relief. Its a relief carving of an unknown goddess/deity, which people have associated with Lilith without really any grounds (to my knowledge) beyond "the horned crown means she belongs to the divine order, the wings mean she is of the wind, and the owl indicates she is a night demon", so its pretty vibes based. Other potentials include lamashtu and pazuzu, who dont fit for other reasons, so she became associated with sumerian lilitu which were identified with Lilith. Others thing she is Ishtar, or Nergal, or some think it is an unknown godess who was worshipped.

So, all of that to say, we dont know where the fuck Lilith comes from, and the best we have are guesses and theories and conflicting interpretations of art.

The next chronological step

We have a huge gap in our potential string of Lilith we draw back through the ages. From like 2000BCE to maybe 600 or 700 BCE we have no idea what is happening to these myths that (may) inform our modern myth of Lilith.

But what we find in these more recent times (well, as recent as 600BCE can be considered) is that Lilith is mentioned in magical incantations. Namely a set of bowls as well as hebrew amulets. This is the earliest we can almost definitively say "this is Lilith", but we have no way to directly tie her back to the earlier ghosts and the sumerian LIL word root.

There is also the Arslan Tash, but to my knowledge this was a fake that someone made in the 30s, so I tend to disregard whatever I read about it.

The bowls tell the story of Elija meeting Lilith with her posse on her way to kill a mother who is in childbirth and eat her unborn baby. The story isnt really relevant, just its conclusion, that Lilith shall not interfere when she sees her name written or hears it said. It also provides a list of all of her names. Imo, this may be a kind of syncretism or mixing of myths where many cultures have a similar enough figure that she has many names and is conflated into a single being in this list of names.

Then theres the amulets. Amulets are in a weird place in Judaism, cause theyre forbidden by the rabbis, but we have a bunch of practices that originate as amulets (tassles and fringes on garments, Mezuzah, etc.). But what we look to are the pregnancy/childbirth amulets, which carry either the name of Lilith, or the name of one or more of three angels (we will get to them later).

Some amulets also talk about Lilith coming and stealing the seed of men in the night, and using it to reproduce and make more demons. This is one place that we see better evidence for the connection to the ardat-lili, but again it could be a total coincidence.

moving into the years 900-1100 CE

So jumping forward again, we find the alphabet of ben sirah. This is perhaps the most common citation I see when looking at stuff about Lilith.

The big takeaway here is that Lilith began as Adams first wife, which explains why there are two genesises in the Torah. God made Lilith alongside Adam, and she and Adam were going to have sex, and she refused to be beneath him, instead wishing to top him. (side note, a couple rabbis have pointed out that theres some major mistranslations in the bible, and its perhaps better translated that god created an androgynous being which he then split in two, creating man and woman. But thats tangential and not relevant to this story) Because she refused to bottom for Adam, and Adam tried to force her to, she invoked the tetragrammaton and flew away from the garden of eden. The three angels mentioned before came out to see her, and tried to make her come back, but she refused (important note: God himself could not make her return to the garden...). She becomes a demon, births hundreds of baby demons a day, and the angels say that they will kill many many of her children every day unless she comes back. To which she responds that she will then go to the houses of women in labor or who are pregnant, kill them, and take or kill their babies (she has dominion for 8 days for boys and 20-odd days for girls iirc). So the angels negotiate that she wont if she sees their names or her own name inscribed there. (its been a minute since I read this myth, I may have gotten some details wrong but this should be mostly correct).

This is all made a bit more confusing because the alphabet of ben sirah is kiiiiinnnddd of a satirical text. We dont know for certain, but it begins certainly in a manner that would be the equivalent of a ranbinical south park, mocking the prophets birth stories (ben sirah is born speaking, and his whole birth story is fucked: his father is forced by a mob of men to masturbate into the waters of the bathhouse, and a few days later its the womens day at the bathhouse and his daughter is impregnated by his somehow still living sperm, and gives birth to ben sirah), mocking teachers, etc. etc. But it is probably a compiled work, or a work written over multiple years and potentially by multiple authors. So it may have started as a satirical work and become serious. But the portion about Lilith, its unclear to me if it is satirical or not.

:::

Alright, I had a lot going on today, so I'm going to run it all down in a single post.

::: spoiler what is happening to me? cw: sex. TL;DR: Being someone's boyfriend would suck shit, but being someone's girlfriend would be extremely based. Starting this off with the context that I'm demisexual. Anyway, I might also be bisexual? I'm going to be honest, I did not see this curve-ball coming. I've only liked femininity for the longest time, though I never really wanted to be into anybody. I deemed myself asexual, and I was really upset by the fact that I would feel so horny so much of the time. I didn't want to feel like that, I wanted to be in a relationship with someone purely because of lust, and it disgusted me, and I felt ashamed of myself. Anyway, transitioning (and HRT) changed all of that. Now a lot of what I want is romantic. Sure, sex would probably be nice, but I would want it to be with someone I have built a romantic relationship with. Horniness was replaced by fantasies of romance, of walking with someone down a snowy path, watching the leaves change colors and fall, cuddling on the couch, etc. I have hopelessly fallen in love with the idea of falling in love, and I've realized that I don't think I see anything wrong sharing those experiences with a masculine person, or an androgynous person, for that matter. I don't think that matters to me so much, and I feel like being in relationships with other people could provide me with unique experiences that I would not otherwise get to see and feel. I have no sexual experience to speak of, but based on my thought process behind it, I think romantic feelings would extend to it. Even if it didn't, even if I am 100% asexual no sex at all (I don't think I am), I would be content enjoying a romantic relationship with someone of any gender identity. :::

::: spoiler the fucking forest fire waiting to happen. TL;DR: I did not think work was going to be like this today So I work in public parks, keeping them clean and such. One such park was a wildlife area. It looked pretty nice, and I may see about posting photos, but that's for another time. A guy comes walking out of the woods, asking if we were working in the park. We said yes (I was eating lunch), and he then apologizes for interrupting our lunch break, but that there was scorched ground around a tree, and that something had caught fire. Safe to say lunch did not matter at that point, and we ran over to see what had happened. In a circle around a perfectly fine tree (thought it could have been lightning or something) was the scorched ground, still smoldering, though there was no fire. He apologizes again, saying he had come here to pick mushrooms and that he had seen this and thought he should warn someone. It was a good thing he did, because the heat and the smoldering was spreading. Not too fast, but not too slow either. We then have to call our boss, who tells us to call emergency services because this is a big deal, so we do. We watch the ground to make sure it doesn't get too out of hand, and it reaches a pile of leaves, which catch fire. We were surprised, but easily able to put it out. One we had firefighters on the scene, we moved things like leaves and sticks out of the way while they got the hose. They then put it out, telling us it was a good thing we had called them, because the risk for a fire was very high today, and it would have likely burned down the entire park had they not done something about it. So yeah, me and a couple of co-workers (and mushroom guy + firefighter cadets) saved an entire wildlife park from perishing in the flames. Amazing, but people should be more careful smoking or lighting campfires in a dry savanna-like area. :::

::: spoiler well, the gods of trans give and the gods of (cw) dysphoria take... TL;DR: Co-workers found my deadname and are using it again. HOW DID THEY FIND MY DEADNAME AGAIN??? I had gotten them all to use my name, and I guess I once again face the consequences for it being close to my dead name, because my boss saw legal documents again and started deadnaming me in front of most of my co-workers. Now, they're all going to use it again too, and the luck I was graced with a month ago has just completely flipped. I swear, I'm going to have to change my name, because at this point even my new name is causing some dysphoria just by proxy. When I started transitioning a few months ago, I didn't want my old self to die, so together with my mother I ended up picking a nice, but similar name that would be easy for people to start using in place of my deadname. Little did I know that a few months from them, I would realize just how bad things were back then, and how I want that part of my identity dead, because I am much better off with it that way. It caused me so much trauma, and getting he/him'd and deadnamed just because people thought I said my name wrong, or am using a "fake" name, doesn't feel great at all. At thins point, I've gone from "Well, it wasn't so bad, but I'm here now, let's see how it goes" to "I'm never going back, how did I think I was cis, life before transition caused me so much trauma". :::

::: spoiler no really, I'm weird (cw dysphoria) TL;DR: I don't think I'm in a very good state of mind. Ironically enough, it's at work where I feel more comfortable. It's weird, but being deadnamed and he/him'd is not as bad as the discomfort I feel going to school as someone who is publicly trans. It's a long story on how this happened, but to make it short: I have no social will to correct people, I barely have any social will to exist in a group setting (thanks trauma + autism) so I made due with what I could for appearance and impressions. At work, I wear old jeans and a work-assigned T shirt. This does not do me many favors in terms of getting gendered correctly, and therefore I am misgendered regularly. At school, I can change my name on the website we use, and I can introduce myself to the class with that name (yeah I did this at work too, read the 3rd spoiler tag for more details). However, I went into my first day in women's jeans and a women's T shirt, and went into my second day with a similar T-shirt and skirt. Great, I'm out and about the way I want to be. Wait, I have social anxiety, and trauma in social situations, especially involving schools. Shit. I'm hyper-vigilant while I'm there, constantly waiting and bracing myself for someone to say something about me, for someone to start harassing me. I might be the only trans person on campus, at least when I'm there, and any time somebody looks at me I just die inside. My survival mindset was to please others, even at my own expense, for the longest time, and I guess some of that made it's way into my modern life as well. At work, while they think that I am a guy and address me as such, I don't have to worry about being around them knowing that they know I'm trans. I don't have to hear what they think, I don't have to worry about walking in on them talking about me, and I don't have to worry about them hating me for that reason. In fact, with the job I have, I'm pretty sure at least 60-70% of my co-workers would dislike me if I came out, especially with what I've seen them wear in terms of hats and belts. So yeah, I don't think I'm going to tell anyone at my job, because I don't want to be alienated in another place. That's the issue at the end of the day. While I feel so much better about life and myself, I've alienated myself from most people, people I already had a hard time connecting with. I've just put myself into one more category, one more niche that makes it difficult to get to know other people and feel comfortable around them.

Now for the really weird part. Working with a bunch of cis men is gender-affirming to me. Most of them are hyper-masculine types, and those that aren't are still taller or older than me. The few other women that work there are all wearing the same thing as the men. Not only do I not have to worry too much about gender envy or imposter syndrome, but I can feel my differences in contrast to my co-workers masculinity, and it reinforces the fact that Yes, I'm a woman, and I am definitely trans. This does not carry over to school. I have an issue where I compare myself to cis women, and I can't seem to stop myself. I've only been on HRT for four months, have gotten no lazer or surgeries of any kind, and have a crappy fashion sense, and yet I compare myself to people who were born with the gender they wanted, people who have already gone through their puberty, the puberty that they wanted to go through. Not only do I feel lots of gender envy, but I feel like I'm not a woman. I invalidate my own experience based on others, and I'm aware that it's bad, but I can't stop. Especially in the moment, combined with the social anxiety, autism, and past trauma, I can't help but have those thoughts because I'm already carrying so many things, and it's all too easy to add to the pile. ::: Yeah, I'm probably not okay, but at least I helped to prevent a forest fire and I might be a boykisser now.

hi

::: spoiler Kittenposting 🌈🐈‍⬛🐈‍⬛🐈‍⬛🐈‍⬛🛏️

In this house we RESPECT the FLAG(s)

:::

This isn't a well structured post, more a loose collection of thoughts and memories. If anyone has thoughts or experiences I'd love to hear them.

::: spoiler religious trauma, shame around sex. I have a huge amount of shame surrounding sex. I was raised evangelical christian (have since left religion). It was rarely discussed, and when it was only in the context of waiting until marriage or reminding us masturbating was sinful. I believed I would go to hell and be tormented forever, and deserve such punishment, for masturbating. Same with anyone living else in "unrepentant" sin. I still struggle with feeling I deserve to be punished for things I shouldn't.

This has all effected me very strongly. I have kinks, and have felt intense self hatred for them. For a long time, I wished I was ace. Sexuality felt like a curse, something awful that I hated about myself. You aren't "supposed" to feel that way, you have to bury those feelings and desires, you are a bad person for feeling them.

I still feel very uncomfortable with the topic. I'm not sure how to be "normal" about it. I don't know what is acceptable to say, or think, or feel. In safe spaces like this or out in the wild. Autism probably doesn't help me here either. I think processing and accepting that I struggle with shame around it is helping me though. :::

::: spoiler Kittenposting 🐈‍⬛💤🐈‍⬛💤🐈‍⬛💤🌛

Curly, Rosie and Felix are having a sleepover with me :3

(This is the first time they've jumped into bed together, Curly laid down on top of me earlier purring super hard and that might have been the happiest I've felt in years. Goggles is in the cat bed by the back door and didn't want to join but he got a tuna treat before bed and purred. )

:::

Someone on here a bit ago was talking about having this, so I wanted to go back and try it.
Edit: the spice is manageable, I think eating chips with it made it worse.
I wasn’t completely dying, but I do think it’s spicy to the point where it hampers your enjoyment of the flavors and eating.

i broke my body yesterday, i can't walk, i'm so bored i wanna do things (okay i didn't break anything but i have EDS and i pushed it too far)

The Wurlitzer electric piano is the finest musical instrument ever devised. Put one in your song and I am enamoured instantly. Nice stinky warm tone.

Shouts to the Vox Continental and the Fender Rhodes as well.

Fir-

goddammit

Teaser two because I failed to get anything done today. It's another design by my sister, who she named... Luna. You can't make this up.

Being physically weak, this lady right here can blast people with dark magic and use staves. She was the figurehead of the revolutionaries that liberated their nation, and has been the figurehead of said nation since it's inception. After losing her magic after the revolution ended, she decided to take up a political role in the new government, and was promptly elected as its head. What if she were to get her magic back though, and her nation was facing invasion by its former oppressor?

I think searching for a nether fortress is actually the worst thing in minecraft. like, the newer nether biomes are cool, but you got like 4 biomes and you spend like an hour wandering around to find this 1 thing. and like, pretty much all you want from there is the blaze rods, and maybe the nether wart. all that for 1, maybe 2, items is just kinda irritating. like ok finding the fortress can also be irritating but you have at least got the eyes to show you where to go. and with say end cities the end is so empty you can spot a city from far away

This unjust depths business has me intrigued

Wish I could post selfies on here lol

𝐒 𝐔 𝐍

𝐁 𝐀 𝐓

𝐇 𝐄 𝐑

forest gump modern remake where he helps an Al Queda operative get to the airport on time for their 'very important flight' in Boston to New York

::: spoiler The Avakisser Chronicles, Book One Waow... Ava sure is tough to talk to. I think I probably annoy her as much as I get through to her, not that I'm unsatisfied. It's going well but WAOW she is like 200% mad. I am but a smol bean smh! I have no idea where I got the flirt point with her from, but that's funny. Genuinely kind of interesting doing the dance of "will this be needling her and annoy her, or will it make her say "uwu" I wonder" about it. This kind of 'social sim' metagame is fun too, when I can engage with it at my own speed.

I wanna know what flavour of Br*tish her accent is. It's not an automatic no-go but some posh accents are kinda lame. Will always prefer scottish and irish accents of all types.

E: Oh gosh I played bottom when I looked at her in the car, sheesh!!! This is goofy fun, I like this a lot. Ditching "relationship points" was a good idea though, since I sometimes follow the compulsion to get em. :::

::: spoiler More

After a while, I find there's an odd sense of calm that comes from standing beside her. It makes my tension ease and sends a flutter through my stomach. Maybe it's her lithe, solid figure, or possibly the tight-lipped frown I doubt anyone would bother trying to mess with, or the confidence that radiates off her that wants to cover me like a velvet blanket.

Can anybody help, my detective is a total bottom, lmao.

Turning her focus back to Ash, Ava's surprised to find the detective's cheeks flushed pink, their lower lip caught between their teeth. What Ava hadn't realised when she put the scarf around Ash is that she'd had to step much closer. The gap between them is now barely a couple of inches.

My detective rn: :::

Dressposting #6 is up 🎀

Sucks hard that brujeria's frontman just died of a heart attack :(

::: spoiler preening my hair looks so fucking good today. jojoba oil, wide tooth combs and general haircare are paying off @ashinadash@hexbear.net

Hoping my hair finally reaches my shoulders in the coming months. :::

I headcanon both Laois and Kbity as agender. They just both seem like they have no conception of gender. Also Izutsumi is heavily implied to be asexual and Laois never demonstrates attraction, so they could be asexual as well.

::: spoiler The Avakisser Chronicles, even more Book One. Rare example where the narration is out of step with me, only a minor thing but:

I peer at the grain of the wood showing through the paint as though staring at it closer might give me some clue as to why I've stopped here. Do I really want to talk to Ava right now? The team leader is brooding and imposing in normal situations…I'm not sure how she's dealing with all of this.

Actually no, narration. Like she acts prickly, but she isn't actually mean. You be nice to her for two entire seconds and she's a complete dork, she's kinda lovely u kno.

Like when you darken her door at the facility she's fucking furious and it wouldn't be unreasonable for the detective to be pissed off, but like.... This is sort of a subtext-test, almost. The way she snaps at you about thinking she's a monster, Ava has probably had really shit experiences with humans. What if you say "uwu ur not a monster ur a stronk byootiful girlkisser" to her?

"I don't think you're a monster, Ava," I reply finally, my tone just as serious as her had been.

The hostility in her stance drops, though she seems hesitant. A frown fights for position on her expression, but it succumbs to regret instead. "Maybe you should."

"Why?" The word is breathy as it leaves me, an emotional weight seeming to grip at my chest from nowhere.

The slightest smile curves her lips. "Because it would be safer for you." The frown finally sets deep on her face. "For me."

She shakes her head, straightening herself. "I mean for all of us. We won't harm you, but we're still dangerous."

The tension of the previous moment, which Ava had obviously been keen to dispel, doesn't seem to budge. I shift under the weight of it.

"Right." It's all I can say as a reply. With silence the only thing to greet me, I make to turn away.

I only take one step before her hand reaches out to my arm. "Detective…."

Oh NO she's a big fucking SOFTIE~! I bet she secretly really likes gay romantic candlelit dates or something, look at this smh. "Ooh I'm so dangerous detective, you shouldn't try to kiss me detective!" Too bad, ur cute lmao. Nerd. :::

thanks for the rec, it seems very interesting

i hate doing my injection

::: spoiler silly rant about how i should do things but can't so am posting instead i am bored, tired, but restless. i should work on knitting comission so i can send it off and get paid for starting the next one. but my brain hates finishing things. i wanna start working on making this bedframe i have in mind. currently have mattress on wooden pallets. (pallets make an excellent bedframe fyi). but that means carrying a load of heavy wood and i don't want to do that rn (okay my joints are falling apart and i probably can't do that) i wanna make some empandadas and if i don't the pastry i bought for them will go off but that requires standing up and my feet and legs hurt i wanna smoke my spliff but i can't find my lighter and i'd have to get up to find the lighter for the kitchen stove, see above :::

every song should start with someone saying "bring the action" like scream and shout by will.i.am ft. britney spears

endlessly fun game: staring at my comments in the trans mega and thinking to myself "lmao this dumb bitch thought she was a man less than a year ago"

https://hexbear.net/comment/5402378

it's really fucking funny!

what if i listened to a little bit of trip hop. what then

You know when you find a good name, and then you try to translate it into your own language, and its just

::: spoiler Fake It spoilers Huh, I think I might've misjudged how much of a bottom Avery is. Didnt expect her to initiate the first kiss.

also uh things escalated fast :::

mood

::: spoiler small food mention, positive Spent the day off with my lovely wife, we spoiled ourselves with a trip to taco bell and then we cuddled up and watched The Matrix while we ate! I haven't watched it since I was like 13 and it was even better than I remember. Then I played some Melee online and ruined some Ice Climbers player's night, and now I'm just hanging out on the 'puter. All in all a very refreshing day off for this woman-adjacent creature. :::

::: spoiler sad That hopeless feeling :sadness: ::: spoiler self harm thoughts I really want to cut myself tonight. Fucking horrible body I'm trapped in. I know I'll just end up scaring it more... I just want to cut it. Honestly why do I gaf though. I already hate this body. ::: spoiler suicide I've been thinking about methods a lot. There's a few that stick out to me. I shouldn't talk about it more though, since they are just thoughts. :::

:lets-fucking-go: Unjust Depths megathread

I wanted to make a post...

Then I though about it...

I have brainrot.

walked into my (home) office this morning and the brand new whiteboard that i just got for work had fallen off the wall due to the crappy adhesive strips

if this isn't a perfect metaphor for my job, i don't know what is.

chat, I'm sick. blegh

oil rig with a cycle to work scheme

went to the thrift shop and got a nice shirt that makes me look great and also femme. bow before my drip

Feel like there is nothing good on my YT feed anymore

@ashinadash@hexbear.net more monorail cat, Curly edition

also napping Curly tummy fluff

::: spoiler cw discussion of transphobia Absorbing an absolute fuckton of brainworms by proxy by watching a video about That One Book from 1979

I'm strong enough lfg, lfg

>>>addendum to 1979 book says the trans community will fragment due to nonbinary people and gnc individuals

HOW IS THIS A REAL PERSON C'MON, THIS IS NOT A GOOD BIT :::

wait and bleed by slipknot is about repressing gender dysphoria, I won’t explain

f it's so humid here too, and cold, now i have to decide if it's worth turning heat on if its going to be 22 and sunny this afternoon (attic has so much insulation in it so anything above 16 slowly cooks me in my office)

My grandma has such a stereotypical old Catholic lady bedroom.